DUCK and COVER a full-length comedy by Michael Kimball

CAST REQUIREMENTS four men, one women, and one 12-yr-old boy (or a woman playing a boy)

PO Box 356 Cape Neddick, ME 03902 207-351-3367 [email protected] Cast of Characters HUGH WHITEBOTTOM, M. 40 WWII submarine veteran, shoe store manager, suburban home owner; a loving yet regimented and overprotective husband and father. CLAIRE WHITEBOTTOM, F. 38 Housewife and Mom. Claire wears dresses. Always. She loves her home and family, but lately she's been feeling claustrophobic. STEVE WHITEBOTTOM, M. 12 Their son, of slight stature, Science Fair champ. He wears glasses, button-down shirts and chinos. And brown leather Poll Parrot shoes. MR. RIPPIT, M. 42 The whistling milkman. He wears a uniform. A holdover from the town's rural days, Jack Rippit has never moved off the family farm. BUNNY, M. 36 Claire's younger brother. A gifted, eccentric jazz trumpet player. A lifelong nonconformist, he could give a damn who doesn't like him. Bunny and Claire share an intuitive, playful relationship. EDDIE SAVAGE, M. 37 Black pianist. Bunny's accompanist and closest companion. Just trying to get along in 1962 New England.

Scene The Whitebottom home, suburban working class Massachusetts Time

October 1962 ACT ONE The Whitebottoms' living room and kitchen alcove. It's 1962. Auburn, Massachusetts, a working-class suburb of Worcester, an industrial center. The house is modest, spotless, and rigidly symmetrical. The living Room occupies stage right and contains a sofa and easy chair facing a television--or suggested television. A hassock serves as a footrest for the easy chair. Everything matches, everything is parallel and perpendicular. A door off the living room leads outside. Windows are covered with Venetian blinds that stay drawn. The kitchen alcove sits upstage left. The alcove contains a table and 3 chairs. A radio sits on the table. A door off the alcove leads to the o.s. kitchen, bedrooms, etc.

OPEN ON: SCENE ONE In the living room, Hugh peeks out the Venetian blinds. In the alcove, Steve sits at the kitchen table tying a knot. A small tinny-sounding radio plays easy listening music. HUGH Nebraska. STEVE Lincoln. Done! Hugh joins him at the table HUGH Clove hitch. Wisconsin. STEVE Clove hitch. Steve ties a clove hitch. STEVE (CONT'D) Madison. Done. HUGH Good. Mississippi. Square knot. STEVE Um. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 2 -

HUGH Mississippi. STEVE Jackson! HUGH Spell it. STEVE J-A-C-K- HUGH Spell it, wisenheimer. STEVE M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I and-- square knot! HUGH (shaking Steve's hand) I'm proud of you, Steve. STEVE Thanks, Dad. HUGH Good firm grip. Says a lot about a man. Claire hurries through the room carrying a laundry basket. CLAIRE Mr. Rippit's here. You could set your watch by that man. MR. RIPPIT (O.S.) (whistling) Anybody home? HUGH Who left the back door unlocked?

CLAIRE Ohh. (calling) Come on in, Mr. Rippit. HUGH What's wrong with you? CLAIRE When I brought the laundry in, I must've-- Mr. Rippit enters from an o.s. back door with a milk carrier and two quarts of milk. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 3 -

MR. RIPPIT The door was open. I'll just stick 'em in the fridge for you. HUGH How y'doin', Jack? MR. RIPPIT Oh, fine, fine. How's the shoe store, Mr. Whitebottom? HUGH Excellent. MR. RIPPIT Surprised to find you inside. Beautiful Saturday morning, I figured you'd be out tossin' a football. HUGH Oh, Steve's not much for athletics. MR. RIPPIT I'll bet you were quite a football star, though, weren't you, Mr. Whitebottom? HUGH All the men in my family were. Football, baseball, hockey. (rubbing Steve's head) We got lucky, I guess. God gave one of us brains for a change. STEVE Just practicing my knots and capitols, Mr. Rippit. MR. RIPPIT Terrific. STEVE Try to stump me.

MR. RIPPIT Oh, gee, I don't know my knots like I should. Navy man like your Dad, I bet he could tie 'em in his sleep. (Steve laughs.) Submarine duty. You must've seen some action. CLAIRE (deflecting) Stevie, show Mr. Rippit what you can do. STEVE Okay. Figure-eight knot. Name a state. MR. RIPPIT Okay, um . . . Massachusetts. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 4 -

STEVE Boston. That's easy. MR. RIPPIT So you just started what, Stevie, eighth grade, is it? STEVE Seventh. I'll be going to college after high school. I've decided to become an electrical engineer. HUGH Keep up your grades, Son, and one day you could be President of the United States. CLAIRE They grow so fast, don't they? MR. RIPPIT You can say that again. CLAIRE How's Jack Junior, Mr. Rippit? MR. RIPPIT Jackie? Oh, fine, fine. He joined ROTC, so we're all very proud of him. Any cottage cheese today, Mrs. Whitebottom? HUGH I think not. Empties are in the box where we like to take the milk. On the porch, as usual. MR. RIPPIT No problem to stick 'em in the fridge while I'm here. CLAIRE Oh. Maybe some heavy cream for whipping. STEVE Neato! What's for dessert? Chocolate cream pie?

CLAIRE With ripe apples on our tree? HUGH After you mow the lawn, how about we get the stepladder out and pick a few? STEVE You bet, Dad! And I'll be sure to get those corners this time. HUGH I know you will, son. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 5 -

MR. RIPPIT (to Claire) He's college material, alright. STEVE I bet I could mow faster if I had a pair of sneakers. HUGH Nice try, Nixon. CLAIRE I understand all the boys are wearing sneakers now. HUGH Not all of 'em. CLAIRE The shoe store had a rough September. HUGH We had a fine September. CLAIRE So many boys are wearing sneakers now, if not most. HUGH A few broken ankles, they'll fall by the wayside. CLAIRE Oh, Hugh. HUGH I mean the sneakers. MR. RIPPIT I'm sure you're right. Then again, I understand they help a boy jump twenty percent higher. Sneakers. HUGH Good ol' leg muscles, that's what you need, right, son? And a sturdy leather shoe with a snug fit. MR. RIPPIT Listen to your Dad, Steve, he's the expert. Well, I'd better get a move on, today being my long day. Talk about a rough September, these days I'm losin' ten customers a week. Housewives drivin' now, buyin' their milk at the market--all over the road to save five cents a quart. No loyalty. No loyalty anymore. Oh, well, you don't need to hear my problems. Awful nice to see you, folks. CLAIRE I'll go out with you, Mr. Rippit, so you don't have to make a special trip for the cream. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 6 -

HUGH I'll get it. CLAIRE I'm perfectly capable. STEVE I'll do it, I don't mind! Steve runs off ahead of Mr. Rippit. They exit. MR. RIPPIT Thank you, Stevie. STEVE You're welcome, Mr. Rippit. HUGH Don't dawdle. MR. RIPPIT (O.S.) (diminishing) That's one good-lookin' pair of shoes, Stevie. Hugh watches through the blinds. HUGH Since when do you talk to strangers about my livelihood? CLAIRE It's only the milkman. HUGH --which means it's none of his business. Steve returns with a pint of cream and a half-pint of chocolate milk. STEVE Look what Mr. Rippit gave me.

HUGH Lemme have a look. Steve tosses the chocolate milk to Hugh, who looks it over. Hugh tosses the chocolate milk back to Steve. Steve bobbles the carton, drops it on the floor. HUGH (CONT'D) Nice try, Chief. Sit down, Son. I want to tell you something. About Mr. Rippit. (pointedly) Man-to-man. Claire exits to kitchen. Hugh and Steve sit. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 7 -

HUGH (CONT'D) When the rest of us were overseas fighting the Japs-- and Mussolini, and Hitler--Mr. Rippit stayed home delivering milk. STEVE I know. HUGH He was Four-F. STEVE Four-F's? HUGH Mental, Steve. STEVE I don't get it. HUGH Son? STEVE Uh-huh? HUGH Mr. Rippet's insane. STEVE Jeezum. Like "Psycho?" HUGH Steve? STEVE Yeah, Dad? HUGH God. Country. Family.

STEVE Uh-huh. HUGH God. Country. Then family. Did you leave the back door unlocked? Maybe after you brought the rubbish out? Claire stands in the doorway, watching. HUGH (CONT'D) You wouldn't tell a lie to protect Mom, would you, son? DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 8 -

CLAIRE Oh, Hugh. I'm sure it was me. HUGH I'm talking. Steve? STEVE Well, yeah. I think I did. I mean, no, I wouldn't lie, and yeah. I think I left the door unlocked. HUGH (lovingly) You think? STEVE I know. I left it unlocked. HUGH Honesty is the best policy. But carelessness can sink a battleship. Remember that, Steve. STEVE Darn it all. I'm so stupid. HUGH You're not stupid, Steve. CLAIRE You're a very, very smart young man. HUGH But you can be careless, which is the opposite of . . . STEVE I know. "Careful." HUGH That's what keeps us safe and secure, Steve. A tight house.

STEVE I'll be more careful, Dad. I'll do my best. HUGH And--? STEVE Um. . . HUGH Father of our country. STEVE George Wash-- Never tell a lie! DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 9 -

HUGH 'Atta boy! STEVE 'Cause God hates liars. CLAIRE God doesn't hate, really. HUGH But he does send liars to-- you-know-where. STEVE H-E-- HUGH That's enough. STEVE Anyway, I hope God hurries up and send me a brother. HUGH God doesn't hurry for anybody. Claire moves to the window, peeks out the blinds. STEVE I keep praying. HUGH Me too. And Mom. Right, honey? CLAIRE It's a taxicab. HUGH In Auburn? STEVE On our road?

He runs to the window. HUGH Stay back. Hugh sidles up to the window, peers out. CLAIRE What's it doing? HUGH Somebody's gettin' out. Goin' up to the Barkers' house. STEVE Who? DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 10 -

CLAIRE Do you recognize him. HUGH Some kind of hobo. Wait-- (play by play) Barker opens the door, they're talkin'. They're talkin'. They're-- STEVE What's the matter? HUGH Biggie Barker just pointed this way. STEVE Here? CLAIRE (to Steve) It's okay. HUGH (very calmly) The hobo gets back in the taxi. Here they come . . . Here they come. . . STEVE Mom? HUGH And there they go. (beat) See? Nothing to worry about, Steve. Just a taxicab. CLAIRE I think that's the first taxicab I've ever seen in Auburn. HUGH Not me.

STEVE Really? HUGH About a month back. A SINGLE SHARP KNOCK at the front door. Claire cries out. They all take action as trained. Claire goes to the phone, ready to dial. Steve goes to his bedroom and shuts the door. ANOTHER SINGLE KNOCK. CLAIRE That's not Mr. Rippit's knock. HUGH That's not a knock. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 11 -

ANOTHER KNOCK. STEVE I don't like that knock. ANOTHER KNOCK. CLAIRE It sounds import-- Someone tries to open the door. HUGH (command voice) Who's there? BUNNY (O.S.) Me! CLAIRE (to herself) Bunny? HUGH (whisper) Oh shit. (to Claire) Sorry, Hon. Hugh opens the door. Bunny limps in, wearing scorched pajamas, carrying a blackened trumpet and the Worcester Telegram & Gazette. One hand is bandaged. CLAIRE Bunny! STEVE Uncle Bunny? BUNNY Why would someone live in a place where all the houses look alike? CLAIRE What in the-- Bunny, what happened-- HUGH (to Steve) What the hell is he doin' here? BUNNY (obviously) My bedroom caught on fire! What does it look like? CLAIRE Oh, my gosh! Bunny! Are you okay? DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 12 -

BUNNY Fast asleep. Next thing you know, smoke, goddamn flames shootin' out of the bureau drawers-- HUGH Let's watch the language. CLAIRE Oh, Bunny! Smoking in bed? BUNNY My socks, t-shirts, underpants-- CLAIRE (panicking) Stevie, go get Uncle Bunny some water! Steve races out of the room. CLAIRE (CONT'D) Oh, Bunny, look at you! How did you get out? BUNNY Window. How do you think I got out? Jumped. Crashed right through the glass! CLAIRE From the second floor? Stevie returns, gives Bunny the water. STEVE Second floor? Holy smokes! Didn't you get hurt? BUNNY Of course I got hurt. My goddamn back was on fire. HUGH Watch the language.

BUNNY Luckily, I landed on my feet. Bunny spots the easy and moves to sit down-- HUGH Probably shouldn't sit on the-- Bunny sits. STEVE Wow. The whole house smells like barbecue. CLAIRE Bunny, would you like to take a shower? DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 13 -

BUNNY Already did. They gave me a sponge bath at the hospital. CLAIRE Maybe just throw your PJ's in the wash. BUNNY Got a bathrobe I can borrow? HUGH (to Claire) What are his plans? BUNNY I lost everything. Clothes, record player, records-- CLAIRE Oh, Bunny, your records? BUNNY Lucky I grabbed this. (trumpet) Red-hot. Fried my stinkin' hand. CLAIRE What are you gonna do, Bunny? HUGH (to Steve) Here we go. BUNNY Stay here till I get back on my feet--? CLAIRE Uh-huh. STEVE You can sleep in my room, Uncle Bunny. (to Claire) I'll sleep on the foldaway cot. HUGH Probably not a good idea. BUNNY Got a sandwich? CLAIRE Oh. Sure. What kind? BUNNY Salami and Swiss. Little mustard. Pickle, if you got it. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 14 -

HUGH No salami. No Swiss. BUNNY Baloney's good. HUGH We don't buy Italian food. CLAIRE How about some nice Spam and Velveeta? BUNNY What's that? HUGH It's a free sandwich. CLAIRE Hugh, can you help me in the kitchen, please? BUNNY Got a beer? HUGH Steve? On the double. STEVE Aye-Aye! Steve, Claire, and Hugh exit to the kitchen, where we hear BUSY MURMURING. Bunny wipes his charred trumpet with his pajama sleeve. BUNNY (calling) Anyone got a rag? Bunny gets up, wanders into the kitchen. The MURMURING STOPS. Hugh and Claire enter the alcove, Claire carrying the sandwich.

CLAIRE He's my brother, we can't put him out in the freezing cold. HUGH It's October! He's been back in the country three weeks, and he burns down an apartment building. CLAIRE (calling) Bunny, your sandwich. Bunny and Steve enter. Bunny grabs his sandwich and takes a bite. STEVE I'll sleep on the cot, I don't mind. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 15 -

HUGH This doesn't concern you. BUNNY (mouth full of sandwich) I can't sleep on a cot. Break my back. What the hell is this? CLAIRE Spam. It's sandwich spread. BUNNY "Sandwich spread." It's got the consistency of crap. Good, though. HUGH Can we watch the language? CLAIRE "Tastes like crap. Good, though." Remember Pop used to say that all the time? STEVE Mom! HUGH I've come to a decision. End of November. That'll give him time to find a new apartment. CLAIRE Bunny! You'll be here for Thanksgiving. HUGH We'll charge a fair rent: ten dollars a week. Fair and firm. BUNNY I lost everything. HUGH You're gonna have to face facts. Find a job. BUNNY I've got a job. HUGH A real job. BUNNY I get paid to play music. That's a job. STEVE You get paid to play? HUGH Steven? Adults are talking. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 16 -

BUNNY Yeah, I got two jobs today. A wedding this afternoon and a gig tonight at The Secret Garden. STEVE You play music in a garden? HUGH I've still got the floor. Rule Number One: BUNNY The Secret Garden. It's a club. HUGH There'll be no smoking in Steve's bedroom. BUNNY I don't smoke. STEVE How come it's secret? HUGH Rule Number Two: No drinking. BUNNY In his room? HUGH In the house, the yard, on the road, anywhere. As long as you're sleeping under my roof, you're on the wagon. BUNNY Gee. Thanks for lookin' out for me. HUGH You're not doin' such a bang-up job lookin' out for yourself. You know, maybe if you took care of yourself, try actin' normal for a change, you could find a woman who'd-- I don't know, what do I care?

STEVE He said thanks. HUGH Steve? CLAIRE (to Steve) That was sarcasm, Honey. STEVE No, he said, "Thanks for watching out for me." CLAIRE It's called sarcasm. Isn't it, Uncle Bunny? DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 17 -

BUNNY Sarcasm. Yeah. CLAIRE Which means the opposite of what you say. STEVE The opposite? HUGH Steve. STEVE Sorry, Dad. CLAIRE (instructive) "I'm not sorry, Dad." BUNNY Well-- Okay, almost. HUGH Rule Number Three: Horn-playing will be confined to the bathroom, with the door shut. When no one's home. CLAIRE Oh, Hugh, I'm always home. STEVE I don't mind. HUGH Steve. Go out and mow the lawn, Chief. STEVE Aye-aye, Sir. I won't go out, and I won't mow the lawn. HUGH What?

BUNNY Nice try. HUGH Rule Number Four--and this goes for all of you: There'll be no sarcasm in this house. BUNNY Good rule. Outside, a CAR HORN HONKS. Claire peeks through the blinds. CLAIRE Another taxicab. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 18 -

HUGH Now what? BUNNY Oh. That's the same one. Got a buck I can borrow? HUGH Here we go. Hugh takes out his wallet. Steve heads to the door. HUGH (CONT'D) Stay here, Steve. You never know about these gypsies. STEVE What gypsies? BUNNY And a quarter for the tip. HUGH I'll take care of it. I don't want you out there in burnt pajamas. We're in Auburn, not Worcester. Hugh exits. CLAIRE (to Bunny) Oh, my gosh, you're playing jazz music today. We've got to get you some clothes. BUNNY Eddie's bringin' me somethin'. CLAIRE Who's Eddie? BUNNY Eddie Savage. Pianist I play with. He's pickin' me up.

STEVE How come a gypsy's driving a taxicab? I thought they didn't have cars. BUNNY He's not a gypsy. CLAIRE Hugh said he's a gypsy. (Don't undermine Hugh.) BUNNY It's Pete Morello. He sweeps the Peacock Club at night. Got that rag? DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 19 -

CLAIRE Oh! She hurries off. Bunny PLAYS A FEW NOTES. A valve sticks. STEVE So, Uncle Bunny, what's it like in Worcester? BUNNY It's a city. STEVE Ever been robbed by Italians? BUNNY Nope. But I play music with a couple of Italians. Claire returns with a pair of Hugh's briefs. CLAIRE Try these. They're all stretched out. He won't mind. I wonder what Betty Barker thinks, a taxicab out front. Bunny takes the briefs and starts polishing his horn. Hugh enters. STEVE Is the Italian gone? HUGH He tried to gyp me. You gotta watch 'em every minute. STEVE He's a friend of Uncle Bunny's. HUGH I can see that. What--? (seeing his underpants) CLAIRE Oh, Hugh, they were old.

HUGH No. No. You never-- (to Bunny) Give me those. Hugh snatches the briefs from Bunny. He goes to throw them away. HUGH (CONT'D) (to Claire) What's the matter with you? Bunny PLAYS A COUPLE OF NOTES. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 20 -

HUGH (CONT'D) (returning) Rule number three. Hugh points toward the bathroom. Bunny gets up to leave the room. Hugh grabs the newspaper. HUGH (CONT'D) And take this propaganda with you. Bunny takes his trumpet and newspaper and exits to the bathroom. Hugh squares the chair. HUGH (CONT'D) (to Steve) Ensign Whitebottom? Didn't you have something to do? STEVE I was just gonna do it, Captain Whitebottom. HUGH Good. Hop to it. O.S. in the bathroom BUNNY PLAYS. Steve lingers to listen. CLAIRE Ohh. Reminds me of home. Practice, practice, that's all he ever did. HUGH A lot of good it did him. STEVE He gets paid. HUGH Don't contradict. There's a world of difference between blowing a horn and working a real job, with a steady income and security--

STEVE Like your job, Dad? HUGH Fifty-one weeks a year, eight hours a day, Monday through Friday. Health insurance, pension plan. STEVE What's that? HUGH Pension plan? In the U.S.A., after a lifetime of loyal service to your company, then your company takes care of you. When I turn sixty-five, I'll never have to work again, but I'll keep getting a paycheck every month. From Poll Parrot Shoes. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 21 -

Bunny enters. BUNNY It's an echo chamber in there. Got another place I can play? HUGH Try Worcester. STEVE Dad, how about the cellar? HUGH Ensign, weren't you planning on watching The Jetsons tonight? STEVE Aye-Aye, Captain. HUGH Lawn. STEVE On the double. Steve opens the front door-- STEVE (CONT'D) Holy smokes! He slams the door then races to his bedroom, terrified--CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP. CLAIRE Stevie, what's the matter? O.S. a DOOR SLAMS. HUGH What's the matter with him?

A KNOCK at the door--a syncopated "Shave-and-a-haircut." BUNNY That's Eddie. STEVE (O.S.) Dad! Don't open it! HUGH You expecting someone? BUNNY Eddie. HUGH Eddie. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 22 -

BUNNY Eddie. Claire opens the door. Eddie stands in the doorway. He wears a white NECK BRACE and holds a new suit for Bunny. CLAIRE Oh! You must be-- (seeing Eddie, she's speechless) EDDIE Eddie. Hi. Eddie is Black. This is Auburn, Massachusetts, 1962. Hugh blocks the doorway. EDDIE (CONT'D) (seeing Bunny) There he is. Time to throw those nasty old PJs away. BUNNY (re: the sportcoat) Not bad. EDDIE You like? Bunny takes the clothes and exits to the bedroom. BUNNY Come on in. I'll get changed. CLAIRE Of course. You can come in. HUGH Or just-- CLAIRE Should he--?

STEVE (O.S.) (scared, calling) Mom? HUGH (aware of the neighbors) Yeah, you better come in. Eddies steps in. CLAIRE There. So. EDDIE Nice to meet you, Mrs. Whitebottom. Mr. Whitebottom. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 23 -

CLAIRE Nice to meet you, Mr.-- EDDIE Savage. CLAIRE Oh, no. EDDIE But you can call me Eddie. CLAIRE And you can call me Hugh and Claire Whitebottom. And you live in Worcester! Such a small world! EDDIE (beat) Small world. Absolutely. CLAIRE And you drive. A car. EDDIE Mm-hm. HUGH (peeking through the blinds) What the hell is that out there? EDDIE Renault. Renault Dauphine. CLAIRE Oh, she can come in. Hugh, don't leave her out there. HUGH It's a car. EDDIE Renault Dauphine. It's French. CLAIRE (looking out) It's so teeny! HUGH Men in France tend to be, shall we say, dainty, if you get my drift. And what the hell's wrong with an American car? EDDIE American cars tend to cost more than fourteen hundred dollars. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 24 -

CLAIRE That's a new French car? EDDIE That's right, Mrs. Whitebottom. Hugh glares at Eddie's shoes. HUGH What's that, rat skin? EDDIE Sorry-- My shoes? They're Italian. Hand-made. CLAIRE Hugh works for Poll Parrot. HUGH Shoe leather a quarter-inch thick. EDDIE Must be a sturdy shoe. HUGH You're damn right, it's sturdy. CLAIRE Old King Cole! (Beat) Bunny said you play piano. HUGH Nat King Cole? EDDIE Oh, yeah. King Cole. He's the best. HUGH I prefer Liberace.

CLAIRE You hate Liberace. EDDIE (to Hugh) I hear you did your time in a submarine. CLAIRE Hugh doesn't like to talk about the war. EDDIE Must've been tough duty. HUGH We did what needed to be done. Left the "Imperial Fleet" on the bottom of the ocean. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 25 -

Bunny enters, dressed in his new outfit, trumpet in hand. EDDIE Now that's one cool cat. In the alcove, Steve steps into view. EDDIE (CONT'D) Hey there. BUNNY My nephew. Stevie. CLAIRE Our son. Hugh's and mine. He's shy around strange men. Strang-ers. But you're not-- Is that African? (about your neck brace) Your neck-piece . . . from Africa? EDDIE This? (Eddie laughs.) It's a neck-sprain. From America. CLAIRE It's called a sprain? Sprain! (She blurts a laugh.) I'm really-- I do apologize. I must've caught the sillies today. EDDIE Aw, that's alright. HUGH (standing, to Eddie) Fight? CLAIRE Hugh! No!

HUGH I'm asking how he hurt his neck. In a fight? EDDIE Fight? No. BUNNY Hit the road? EDDIE Okay, then. Nice to meet you, Mr. Whitebottom. HUGH Yup. Hugh turns to the alcove so as not to see Eddie's hand. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 26 -

HUGH (CONT'D) (to Steve) Okay, Chief. You had your look. Steve exits to his bedroom. EDDIE (genuine) Very nice to meet you, Claire. He doesn't try to shake her hand, but he does make affectionate contact with Bunny. EDDIE (CONT'D) BUNNY You know, as much as he talks (brushing him off) about you, I feel like I've known Here we go. you for years-- Claire puzzles over the broken gesture as Bunny moves Eddie to the door-- CLAIRE It was nice to meet you, too, Edd-- (revelation) Claire's eyes snap to Bunny, who meets her gaze furtively. HUGH (entering) What? CLAIRE What? Oh, nothing, so-- (to Bunny and Eddie) Have fun. Play hard. Something. Claire watches them leave. HUGH What's got into you? CLAIRE I don't-- What? HUGH You act like you never saw a Negro before. CLAIRE Have you? In person? HUGH Not in a submarine. CLAIRE Why? DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 27 -

HUGH If you were a Negro, would you want to be in a submarine with a bunch of white guys? CLAIRE If I played piano. HUGH What are you-- What? Besides, they don't like water. CLAIRE Everybody likes water. HUGH What did I just say? I lived on a sub for three years. CLAIRE But how do you know? HUGH How do I know what? CLAIRE They don't like water? You said you didn't have any Negroes on the sub. HUGH Yeah--? And why do you think that is? Think. CLAIRE Because they don't like water? HUGH Point made. Steve enters the room, haunted. He carries Bunny's newspaper. STEVE Dad.

HUGH He's gone, Steve. CLAIRE Honey, what's the matter? STEVE Is this true? It says Russia put missiles in Cuba to shoot at us! Big, big atomic bombs. HUGH (to Claire) See? Good ol' Gazette. CLAIRE Oh, I'm sure it's nothing. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 28 -

HUGH (to Steve) Let me have that, Chief. It's goin' back in the trash where it belongs. He grabs the newspaper from Steve takes it o.s. STEVE But, Dad, it says one of those bombed burned up a whole city in Japan. (to Claire) Even the people who lived far away, if they even saw the explosion, they went blind and died of cancer. HUGH (returning) It's the "news," Steve. STEVE It said there was nothing left, no people, no houses, no schools, no churches. HUGH It was before you were born, ten thousand miles away. STEVE But weren't you there--in Japan? CLAIRE Daddy was safe, Steve. Underwater. HUGH Sealed up tight. Steve studies Hugh. STEVE It said everybody got "vaporized." HUGH (tenderly) We had to win the war, Chief. STEVE The newspaper said that the new-clear missiles in Cuba are six hundred times more powerful than that bomb. They said Worcester's a "major target." HUGH Go ahead, Steve. Mow the lawn. STEVE But-- Dad, why? One of those missiles could burn up 600 cities. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 29 -

HUGH Why what? STEVE Why does a lawn have to be cut so short? HUGH (rubbing Steve's head) So we can pick apples when you're finished. (beat) So Mom can make us an apple pie. CLAIRE Do you mind if we skip the pie tonight? HUGH Yeah. Yes. Of course I mind. FADE LIGHTS--END SCENE INT. LIVING ROOM -- EVENING Hugh sits on the easy chair, feet on the hassock, watching a GUNFIGHT on TV. O.S. we hear Steve taking a shower, howling in pain. Steve's commotion is getting on Hugh's nerves. STEVE (O.S.) Ow! Ow! Ow! Claire stands in the alcove, calling o.s. CLAIRE Honey, close your eyes! STEVE I can't! Hugh gets up. HUGH For cripe sakes.

CLAIRE Hugh, he's scared. STEVE Ah! Ah! Ah! CLAIRE Honey, it's baby shampoo. HUGH STEVE Johnson and Johnson. "No more Ow! Ow! Ow! tears!" CLAIRE Honey, I'm standing right here in the hallway! DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 30 -

STEVE How do I know it's you? HUGH Steve! Steven! It was just a movie! Unlock the door! STEVE No! HUGH What? You open this door! That's an order! STEVE How do I know you're not disguising your voice? HUGH You're twelve years old! Stop that belly-aching! CLAIRE (to Steve) Hurry into your jammies, Hon. The Jetsons are coming on. Hugh changes the channel. COMMERCIALS come on. Hugh sits on the sofa, staring at the television. Claire brings a TV tray and sets it in front of the couch, with a glass of milk and some Oreo cookies. She sits on the sofa with Hugh. CLAIRE (CONT'D) I wish we never went to the movies. HUGH It was two years ago. We can't shelter him all his life. CLAIRE I still can't take a shower. Not when I'm home alone. Can you? Steve enters wearing pajamas, a bathrobe, and his Poll Parrot shoes. CLAIRE (CONT'D) Here he comes. All clean and dry. And he smells so sweet. HUGH Boys don't smell sweet. Steve stops, studies Hugh. STEVE Dad. HUGH Yes, Son. STEVE Hey, Dad. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 31 -

HUGH Stevie, what? Steve attacks him. STEVE BANZAI! HUGH Sneak attack! THEY WRESTLE. Hugh will let Steve win. HUGH (CONT'D) Better clear the room, Mom! This is gonna be a brawl. The fight of the century! STEVE Give up? CLAIRE You guys be careful. HUGH Woa, he's a tough one! But not as tough as Dad! CLAIRE Hugh, his glasses. STEVE See this? Watch out for this! HUGH Whoa, he tricked me! Sneaky Sam. I think he's got me! Stevie pins Hugh down or gets him in a hold. In any case, Steve dominates Hugh. STEVE Give up?

HUGH Never! Hugh pretends to struggle. HUGH (CONT'D) Wow, look at those muscles! STEVE Surrender. HUGH I surrender. Wow, you're getting' strong! But Steve does not release Hugh. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 32 -

STEVE From now on, I'll mow the lawn without being told. HUGH It's a deal. STEVE You'll never have to remind me to burn the trash. HUGH That's what I like to hear. Steve keeps him pinned. STEVE And you won't even have to give me an allowance. HUGH The allowance I give you and your mother is to teach you both how to handle a budget. STEVE I've saved my money for almost a year. HUGH That's very mature, Steve. Now, if you could display some of that maturity in the shower-- STEVE I'll do that too. I promise. From now on, I'll shut my eyes when I shampoo. HUGH That's using good judgment. STEVE Mr. Lowd said he wants me to wear sneakers to gym. HUGH Up and at 'em.

Effortlessly, Hugh separates from Stevie and sits in his easy chair. STEVE Dad. Red Ball Jets. HUGH How many times have we been over this? Steve. Sneakers are bad. Very bad. Time for The Jetsons. STEVE But all the guys wear 'em. HUGH If all the guys wore frog suits, would you wear a frog suit? DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 33 -

STEVE What's a frog suit? HUGH I'm sorry, son. Request denied. STEVE SIGHS. HUGH (CONT'D) Was that a sigh? Did you just sigh at me? CLAIRE Hugh, I called Mrs. Lovejoy. She said most of the boys are wearing sneakers now, if not all. HUGH And since when do you contradict me? CLAIRE Not just for gym. In the classroom too. HUGH In Auburn? STEVE Yes. HUGH That stinkin' Kennedy. (to Claire) Claire, take a letter, please. STEVE Dad, The Jetsons. THE JETSONS comes on TV. Claire gets a pencil and pad of paper and starts writing. HUGH "Dear Mr. Stiff . . . It has come to my attention that you have decided to allow the wearing of flimsy, disrespectful canvas sneakers in school. STEVE Dad? HUGH "We are traveling down a dangerous road. For the first time in American history, our children are not allowed to pray in school, and now sneakers. What's next? Tee- shirts? Chewing gum? Dungarees? And in closing"-- STEVE Dad? HUGH Don't interrupt. Where-- DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 34 -

CLAIRE "And in closing." HUGH "And in closing, if this sneaker leniency continues, we won't have to wait for the Russians to blow us to Kingdom come, for we will most certainly blow ourselves"-- CLAIRE "Up." HUGH "Up. Yours, Mr. and Mrs. Hubert R. Whitebottom." STEVE Dad? HUGH Speak. STEVE Please don't send that. Please? Everybody already thinks I'm a stupid square. HUGH A what? CLAIRE Square. Drip. Flake. HUGH Well, the joke's on them. CLAIRE Stevie, you're very intelligent. HUGH Five years from now, they'll all be walking down the road like penguins, and you'll be runnin' circles around 'em in your Poll Parrot shoes-- CLAIRE (over) I think I'd like to start driving. HUGH One at a time. What? No. Let's-- No. Time to watch The Jetsons. CLAIRE I'm serious, Hugh. HUGH Maybe someday. Okay? Can we-- DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 35 -

CLAIRE Betty Barker drives. I see her go by every day in her Blue Buick. HUGH "Oh, look at me." CLAIRE You wouldn't have to take me shopping every Thursday. I could join PTA. HUGH And what do you expect to drive? I've got the car all day. CLAIRE Betty Barker brings Biggie to the bakery in the morning and picks him up at six. HUGH Have you seen the price of gas lately? I'd have to get a night job just to keep your tank filled, never mind your fender-benders. CLAIRE Not if I get a job. HUGH What the heck is going on here? CLAIRE Part-time. Betty started waitressing at the Coffee Cup. HUGH If Betty Barker went to the moon, would you want to go to the moon? CLAIRE (beat) I would love to go to the moon.

STEVE Aw, me too. HUGH You want to go to the moon? I'll send you both. Bang. Zoom. They're unamused. HUGH (CONT'D) (to Claire) You're not setting a very good example. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 36 -

CLAIRE Hugh, everything's going up. Your commissions are going down. HUGH You know we don't talk finances in front of Steve. CLAIRE But I could work while Stevie's in school. HUGH Show's on. You don't need a job. You don't need to drive. And you don't need sneakers. Now can we watch The Jetsons? (They watch TV.) You know who's behind this sneaker b.s.? Foot doctors. And the Japs. Sneakers in church, that's what we're coming to: One big Jap-happy playground. At the door: ONE KNOCK. HUGH (CONT'D) And here's the Recess King himself. Claire gets up. HUGH (CONT'D) Don't open that. CLAIRE Oh, Hugh. HUGH Wait till he knocks right. That's just laziness. AGAIN: ONE KNOCK. HUGH (CONT'D) He can't be normal like everyone else. I've told you. He needs professional help.

CLAIRE Don't say that in front of Stevie. ONE KNOCK. HUGH Son of a B. (loud) You hear something, Claire? I think a June Bug just hit the door. STEVE (sullen) Not in October. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 37 -

Hugh gives him a look. This is the first time Steve has ever been angry. CLAIRE Well, I'm not gonna leave him out there. She unlocks the door, and Bunny enters carrying one end of a stereo console. Eddy enters carrying the other end. HUGH Nope. BUNNY We got fired. HUGH What's he doing? CLAIRE Bunny, what in the world is that? STEVE "Fired?" When you lose your job. CLAIRE No. That. BUNNY They hired a rock 'n' roll band. Four guys instead of seven. Goddamn electric guitars. CLAIRE This. What is this? (re: the stereo) Bunny and Eddie set the console down. EDDIE It's a stereo. CLAIRE A what? BUNNY Record player. With two loudspeakers. CLAIRE It's huge! HUGH And on its way out again. BUNNY It's a gift. HUGH We don't have room. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 38 -

CLAIRE Wait-- Hugh? HUGH We're going to add a bedroom, right? When the baby comes. BUNNY What baby? HUGH None of your business. BUNNY You just told me. HUGH Who's talkin' to you? If you must know. Yes. We're gonna have another son, if that's okay with you. An older brother for Steve. CLAIRE Hugh. HUGH Bigger. You know what I mean. Bigger. So thanks, but no thanks. We can't use it. (re: the stereo) STEVE I can. HUGH (punishment) No Jetsons. STEVE Aw! Steve stomps out of the living room into the alcove.

HUGH And don't you stomp those feet. STEVE I'm not stompin'. It's the stinkin' shoes. HUGH I better not hear any more back-talk! (to Claire) See what-- We've got a radio, we don't need this monstrosity. And don't question my authority in front of Steve. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 39 -

CLAIRE (firm) Hugh? Would you help me in the kitchen, please, with the-- Would anyone like water? EDDIE I could go for some water. CLAIRE (to Hugh) See? They like water. STEVE EDDIE (muttering) (over, to keep Steve out of trouble) All I said was "I can." 'Cause I Stevie. Stevie. Come take a look. can. He says, "We can't use it." I said, "I can." 'Cause I can. So can Mom. But no. Steve walks over to the stereo. EDDIE (CONT'D) (sotto) Don't give up hope, Bub. (Steve stares at the stereo.) Look at this: Sixteen-inch speakers. Steve KICKS the console and marches off to the alcove. Eddies watches him go. EDDIE (CONT'D) That is one sturdy shoe. While Bunny loads 3 record albums on the automatic record changer, Steve joins his parents in the ALCOVE, glaring at Hugh. CLAIRE Hugh, my brother bought that for me. You have no right to turn it down. HUGH I can if it's stolen. CLAIRE Stolen? HUGH How does he get that kind of money in one day? CLAIRE Bunny is not a thief. HUGH Maybe he isn't. Here, you want music? Hugh turns the tinny radio LOUD: The Four Seasons, SHERRY BABY. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 40 -

HUGH (CONT'D) Who changed my station? Goddamned Chipmunks. STEVE (glaring) That's not Alvin. It doesn't sound anything like Alvin. HUGH Hey-- CLAIRE They're men, Hugh. The Four Seasons. HUGH Men. What kind of men? CLAIRE Frankie Valli. HUGH We just went to war with them! STEVE Not with the Four Seasons. HUGH What the hell is going on? Stevie. Steve. Stop staring like that. You look like Norman Bates. As he turns the dial, stops on Chuck Berry: "JOHNNY B. GOODE." BUNNY (from living room) No electric guitar! CLAIRE Electric guitar? STEVE What's a guitar?

Hugh turns the dial, stops on CALCUTTA, by Lawrence Welk.. HUGH There. That's more like it. CLAIRE Oh Hugh. Lawrence Welk? STEVE (sarcasm) Yeah, nice song, Dad. HUGH (to Claire) See? He knows good music. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 41 -

In the LIVING ROOM, Eddie turns on the STEREO. The house lights dim. STEVE Hey. Mom. "Nice song, Dad." I said, "Nice song, Dad." Sarcasm! CLAIRE I think you did it. HUGH What did I tell you about sarcasm? STEREO MUSIC BEGINS: Miles Davis: "ALL BLUES"--in full fidelity. STEVE Wow! Steve runs into the living room. Claire follows him. HUGH And no running in the house! Bunny, Eddie, Claire, and Steve stand staring at the stereo. CLAIRE Oh my God. Hugh! I can hear-- Hugh! It's all around us! STEVE What is it, Uncle Bunny? BUNNY They split the audio signal into two channels. (showing Steve the album jacket) See? "360-degree stereophonic sound." STEVE (pointing to the right speaker) No. This. This.

EDDIE Alto Sax, Stevie. Saxophone. The cat's name is Cannonball Adderly. CLAIRE He's not really a cat. STEVE I-- Mom. (like, I know) EDDIE Over here, that's a tenor sax. John Coltrane. Your Uncle Bunny's played with 'Trane. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 42 -

HUGH Let's not be filling his head with "cat" crap. (taking the album from Steve) CLAIRE Hugh. Come here. Here. (pulling him between the speakers) Close your eyes. Listen. See? Can you see the horn there? The other horn? HUGH Does it have to be this loud? BUNNY It's not even halfway. Bunny turns up the volume. CLAIRE Oh, Honey, let's Fox Trot. HUGH You're gonna blow out his eardrums. Claire starts dancing alone. She looks at Eddie. EDDIE Don't look at me. Hugh flips a switch. MUSIC STOPS. HUGH Party's over. Let's go. Get it out. Steve watches the automatic changer drop another record on the turntable. STEVE Hey Dad!

The next album drops: Another SONG begins. HUGH Steven! STEVE It did it all by itself-- EDDIE Automatic changer, man. This is the future. Bobby Darin starts singing: MACK THE KNIFE. CLAIRE "Mack the Knife!" Bunny, that's my song! DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 43 -

BUNNY We got it for you. HUGH That's it. Hugh unplugs the stereo. THE MUSIC DIES. Room lights brighten. HUGH (CONT'D) Let's go, take an end. Hugh bends to lift the console. CLAIRE No. Hugh, please. Wait. HUGH (to Eddie) Lift with your legs, not your back. CLAIRE No. (beat) Hugh, we need to talk about this. HUGH We did. (trying to lift the console alone) Get the door. CLAIRE Bunny gave this to me. It's mine. You have no right to take it away from me. HUGH Oh, really? Alright. Okay. I didn't want to ask, didn't want to embarrass anyone in particular-- (to Bunny) How about someone explain how come, if you can't afford a new apartment, you got money for this?

BUNNY We didn't buy it. HUGH See? EDDIE Oh, no. The Doctor gave it to us. HUGH A doctor. EDDIE The Doctor. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 44 -

BUNNY Doc Graylock runs the Secret Garden. The guy that fired us. HUGH Yeah? How about Satchmo's midget racer out there? BUNNY Satchmo? HUGH Last I heard, the Frenchies don't give their cars away. BUNNY What the hell are you insinuating? EDDIE Money? Oh, I got money in the bank. HUGH Congratulations. Uncle Bunny can move in with you. EDDIE Well. That might be a little tricky. HUGH Oh, yeah? Maybe we should get Kennedy to send in the troops and force you to take him in. EDDIE (chuckles) Don't misunderstand. I'd take Bunny in a heartbeat. But that's the trouble with these dainty little French cars. Awful tight quarters. CLAIRE You're not living in your car--? EDDIE Ever since the fire, I'm afraid that's where I hang my hat. Steve has been slowly easing back into the room. HUGH Wait a minute. He burned down your apartment too? Same building? (to Claire) Looks like he picked a great neighborhood for himself. BUNNY What the hell's that supposed to mean? EDDIE Leave it. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 45 -

HUGH I don't know. A man with money in the bank--sleepin' in his car? Somehow that doesn't add up. EDDIE Know any apartments for rent in this town? Nice little suburban house, maybe right here in this neighborhood. HUGH Worcester. Smart guy. EDDIE That's funny. In Worcester, they say try Boston. In Boston, they said try New York. BUNNY KENNEDY (V.O.) (turning up the volume) (on TV) Hey. Kennedy's on. . . . Third: It shall be the policy of this nation to regard any nuclear missile launched from Cuba against any nation in the Western Hemisphere as an attack by the Soviet Union on the United States, requiring a full retaliatory response upon the Soviet Union. HUGH Irish s.o.b. Steve, turn the channel. BUNNY KENNEDY (O.S.) Hold on. It's about the missiles. (on TV) Fourth: As a necessary military EDDIE precaution, I have reinforced Jesus. They're gonna start a war. our base at Guantanamo, evacuated today the dependents of our personnel there, and ordered additional military units to be on a standby alert basis. HUGH (turning it off) My house. My TV. EDDIE Excuse me. My Commander in Chief. CLAIRE Hugh-- BUNNY This is important-- Hugh takes out his whistle and blows THREE SHARP TRILLS. CLAIRE Oh, now? Hugh--? Steve runs to a wall and drops to the floor. Claire gets down beside him. They cover their heads. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 46 -

HUGH Hit the deck, Mister. BUNNY Me? STEVE Duck and cover, Uncle Bunny. It's a drill. You too, Eddie! BUNNY Duck and cover? EDDIE Nice seeing you, folks. (He heads for the door.) CLAIRE Bunny, like this. STEVE But not near the windows. EDDIE (exiting) I do miss Paris. BUNNY Happy now? Doors are locked, blinds drawn. Any Italians? No Italians. We've jettisoned the black man and killed the music. Everything sealed up tight. I'm sure we're safe now. STEVE Wow, Mom. 360-degree sarcasm. HUGH (to Bunny) On the double, Dilbert! Grab some floor!

Hugh lowers himself over Steve and Claire. Bunny sits in the easy chair. BUNNY I'll take my chances in the easy chair. HUGH You are endangering this family! BUNNY Are we surrounded by water? If not, I don't take orders from you. HUGH Under my roof, what I say goes. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 47 -

CLAIRE Oh, Hugh-- HUGH Head down. The exercise will continue until everyone complies. Bunny settles back. BUNNY You know, they make these chairs with vibrators now? CLAIRE I am getting a cramp! HUGH Don't blame me. BUNNY Duck and cover, are you serious? The sun! Right outside your window! The sun. STEVE Ten times hotter than the sun. CLAIRE Bunny, please? BUNNY I already caught on fire once this week, thanks. Gee, wish I'd known about duck-and-cover. CLAIRE Hugh, move your leg, please? STEVE I can't breathe! HUGH Talk to Uncle Bunny.

CLAIRE Bunny! Bunny gets out of the chair. BUNNY I don't even have a sense of humor-- and this makes me laugh. No, it doesn't. He starts to climbs on top of the Hugh, Claire, and Steve. HUGH Over there. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 48 -

BUNNY What? HUGH Duck and cover over there. Bunny gets up. BUNNY Where? Exactly where would you like me incinerated? Hugh points. Bunny moves to the far side of the room and gets down. STEVE Protect your brain from the nuclear blast, Uncle Bunny. With your fingers. (sarcasm?) CLAIRE Stevie, not now. Bunny clasps his fingers over his head. BUNNY So. I hear the milkman's insane. FADE LIGHTS--END ACT ONE DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 49 -

ACT TWO SETTING: Same as ACT ONE--except the Whitebottom house is off-kilter somehow. Perhaps the entire orientation, vis-a-vis the audience, has rotated a little. Still, however, the furniture is squared to the walls. INT. LIVING ROOM -- MORNING SCENE ONE O.S. we hear Bunny practicing his trumpet. Claire enters the living room gloomily, wearing an apron, spraying and dusting. All at once the lights dim--and the STEREO turns on: "Mack the Knife." Claire stops--and looks at the stereo, then looks around room. Is something different? Whatever. She continues dusting, and soon the rhythm gets in her bones, and her living room turns into a Las Vegas stage. BUNNY comes into the doorway with his trumpet, sees her, then turns around and walks out again. Claire goes stratospheric, though her enthusiasm is unmatched by her talent. From the kitchen, MR. RIPPIT enters the alcove with his milk carrier. He watches Claire's BIG ENDING. Claire sees his shadow, spins around, SCREAMS, and sprays furniture polish on her neck. SONG OVER. MR. RIPPIT Knock knock? He holds up a small envelope. She'd be more embarrassed, but what's the use? CLAIRE Come on in, Jack. I didn't hear you. MR. RIPPIT That's a new stereo console, isn't it? CLAIRE I'll get your money. As Claire takes the envelope, Bunny enters with his trumpet. Claire conceals the envelope.

CLAIRE (CONT'D) Oh. Bunny. Remember Jack Rippit, from the old farm? (to Mr. Rippit) Bunny's apartment building burned down, so he's staying with us till he gets resettled. Bunny gave us the stereo. MR. RIPPIT Fire in Worcester, Right? Yeah, I just read about that. BUNNY (deflecting) Hundred-watt amp. Enough power to fill Carnegie Hall. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 50 -

MR. RIPPIT Looks like a fine unit. 'Course, I couldn't really hear much. Claire slaps his arm as she walks into the alcove and pours three cups of coffee. MR. RIPPIT (CONT'D) (following her into Alcove) Say, that's some horn. CLAIRE Bunny traveled with the Army Band--all over France. MR. RIPPIT You don't say. They sit. CLAIRE After the war. When he was discharged, he stayed in Paris. Stayed and played for six years. (for Bunny's benefit) With a piano player named Eddie. Isn't that right, Bun? (She's got him.) BUNNY (getting up) Yeah. Yeah, Eddie was there. Got any sugar? CLAIRE (satisfied) On the table. Bunny sits back down and proceeds to put six teaspoons of sugar in his coffee. MR. RIPPIT Sounds like we got ourselves another war brewin'. This thing down in Cuba. Russians, missiles. Jeepers! Something's wrong with Mr. Rippit.

CLAIRE Is everything alright, Jack? MR. RIPPIT This is how it starts. Everybody all gung-ho. CLAIRE Jackie? MR. RIPPIT He's skipping school today, taking the bus into Worcester, to enlist. Three of 'em from ROTC. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 51 -

CLAIRE Oh, I doubt we're going back to war. We just got over World War II. Everybody's sick and tired of war. BUNNY Korea. MR. RIPPIT (grabbing his carrier) What the heck's wrong with this damn world? Sorry, Claire. Pardon my French. You need anything else? CLAIRE Oo! I forgot to pay you . . . for the milk. Hold on. She hurries off. MR. RIPPIT Looks painful. That hand. BUNNY Only when I move it. MR. RIPPIT What'd they give you, aspirin? Bayer Aspirin? Bufferin? Because I can get, you know, Percocet. Darvocet. If you want. Not trying to force it on you. BUNNY I'm alright. MR. RIPPIT Seconal. Nembutal. Fuckin' Quaaludes, I got a cousin down in Providence. His brother-in-law runs a drug store. Codeine, you name it. You like football? I can give you Green Bay and four points, L.S.U. and six-- Here she is. Claire returns.

CLAIRE This should catch us up for this month. (giving him money) MR. RIPPIT Very good then. I'd love to stay and shoot the breeze with you folks, but I'd better run along, this being my long day. See you Thursday. (to Bunny, cryptically) Sunrise Dairy. We're in the phone book. CLAIRE (She touches him.) Jack? Don't worry. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 52 -

MR. RIPPIT (to Bunny) Under S. Mr. Rippit exits, WHISTLING. Claire clears the table. Bunny keeps his eye on her. BUNNY Sunrise Dairy. CLAIRE Jack's a nice guy. Never left the farm. BUNNY So you get your milk in pill form these days? CLAIRE Weren't you practicing? Don't let me stop you. FADE LIGHTS--END SCENE INT. LIVING ROOM -- EVENING Hugh and Claire sit on the couch, watching TELEVISION. Hugh is agitated by Bunny, who sits in his easy chair with his feet up on the hassock, reading the newspaper. CLAIRE Honey. You're shaking the sofa. Hugh can't take his eyes off Bunny. BUNNY Russians aren't turning around. Looks like a showdown. HUGH I thought I threw that in the trash. BUNNY That was yesterday's paper. They publish new ones every day. I suppose that's why they call it news.

CLAIRE That makes sense. STEVE (O.S.) (from the kitchen) Are we going to war? CLAIRE (calling) No, Stevie, of course not. (to Bunny) Bunny--? BUNNY Thought you might wanna know. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 53 -

HUGH I'll tell you what I want to know. We blow that stinkin' island off the planet. BUNNY Cuba? That's a lot of people. HUGH I suppose you and your boy Kennedy'd just let the commies surround us. BUNNY He put up the blockade. HUGH And the Ruskies are headed straight for it, full steam ahead. I say take out their ships in the middle of the Atlantic, blow 'em out of the water, take out Moscow too. Problem solved. CLAIRE Hugh--? BUNNY You don't think the Russians'll retaliate? HUGH If we turn Moscow to dust? BUNNY Assuming all their missiles are in Moscow. CLAIRE (over) Can we change the subject, please? HUGH (to Claire) Don't tell me. I told you: No politics.

CLAIRE I'm not talking politics. (to Bunny, with humor) Don't talk politics. BUNNY Who's talking politics? I'm talking war. HUGH (to Claire) We had an agreement. CLAIRE (to Bunny) No talking war. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 54 -

BUNNY Okay. But that's a new rule. CLAIRE Bunny, be good. Bunny resumes reading the newspaper, but he's agitated. His foot starts tapping fast. He's reading fast. HUGH (to Claire) This is your responsibility. Steve appears in the doorway. STEVE Can I come in? HUGH All clear. BUNNY (reading) Huh. You know the birth-control pill was invented in Worcester? Claire gives him an angry look. HUGH Birth-control pill. Take a pill, have a baby. That's a good one. (to Steve) Maybe Mom should take one. (to Claire) Take two. BUNNY It keeps you from gettin' pregnant. Steve scoots off to the kitchen.

CLAIRE Bunny. BUNNY What? HUGH (to Bunny) What? There's a woman in the room. BUNNY "Pregnant?" HUGH Again! Let's-- you know? We're not in a barroom. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 55 -

Claire turns the TV up. "LEAVE IT TO BEAVER" begins. CLAIRE Okay, shush. (calling) Stevie, Beaver's on. You can come in. Claire snatches the newspaper from Bunny and looks it over. We can tell she doesn't see anything about birth control. She returns Bunny's paper with a slap. HUGH Good ol' Gazette. Let's put it where it belongs. (to Bunny) Mind? Hugh grabs Bunny's newspaper and starts o.s. to the trash. BUNNY I was looking for an apartment. Hugh returns, gives the newspaper back to Bunny. HUGH No politics. No war. No-- (to Claire) Have you heard about this-- this pill? Claire grabs the paper. CLAIRE I'll take that, thank you. (calling) Stevie, what are you doing out there? STEVE (O.S.) Makin' a fluffernutter. This time Claire spots something in the newspaper. She reads for a moment--then studies Bunny intently. He won't meet her eyes.

HUGH Can you imagine if guys could just take a pill? That's the end of marriage. BUNNY The woman takes the pill. Not the man. HUGH The woman? Forget marriage. There goes the country. BUNNY What are you talkin' about? CLAIRE (to Hugh) What are you talking about? DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 56 -

HUGH What are you talkin' about, what am I talkin' about? You give a woman a pill like that? Think. That's all they'd ever do. BUNNY Take pills? HUGH Make a joke. CLAIRE I don't think it's funny. HUGH I didn't say it-- Can we watch Beaver? CLAIRE (pointedly) Interesting article about the fire. Did you see it? BUNNY Huh? Oh. Yeah. It's, uh, yeah. The look she gives Bunny says: "Why didn't you tell me?" He won't look at her. HUGH I'll make a prediction. If they ever do invent a pill like that, we're lookin' at the end of civilization. CLAIRE What are you talking about? HUGH What's with the tone? It's common sense. If women stop getting-- (gesture) BUNNY First letter?

HUGH Where do you think we're gonna get the next generation, baby plants? STEVE (O.S.) Ladies! HUGH (exasperated, to Claire) See? This is-- (calling to Steve) Steven, the adults are talking. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 57 -

STEVE (O.S.) (calling) Pregnant ladies. HUGH That's it. No Beaver for you. BUNNY Don't worry. Civilization's safe. The pill's against the law in Massachusetts. HUGH What a world. Women taking birth prevention pills-- CLAIRE Birth control pills. HUGH --and we're trying to have another kid. It's that stinkin' Kennedy. Bunny looks to Claire. Now she won't meet his eye. Steve clears his throat. He stands in the doorway holding a fluffernutter, hoping to be allowed in. CLAIRE Hugh, can he watch Beaver? HUGH Ask your brother. (to Bunny) Can we watch this now? Hugh waits for Bunny's reply. BUNNY What is it? STEVE Leave it to Beaver.

BUNNY Nature show? HUGH (to Steve) Saved your place, Chief. Steve comes in and sits between his parents. STEVE Thanks, Dad. Claire and Bunny finally make eye contact--serious understanding passing between them. HUGH Make room for a hungry boy. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 58 -

CLAIRE Growing boy. Daddy's gonna have to get a second job just to keep you in pants! STEVE Uncle Bunny, this fluffernutter's a motherfucker. Claire stands. Hugh stands. Hugh goes to the TV and TURNS IT OFF, all the while glaring at Bunny, who reads his newspaper. STEVE (CONT'D) Dad, what are you doing? Hugh shoos Claire out of the room, then sits down with Steve. HUGH Steve? Steve keeps staring at the TV. HUGH (CONT'D) Steve. The TV's off. Steve looks at Hugh. HUGH (CONT'D) Good. So. Okay. (beat) Good sandwich? STEVE Mm. BUNNY I had him butter the bread first. The peanut-butter half. HUGH Steve? STEVE I know. HUGH What do you know? STEVE Don't waste butter. But, Dad, it's really good with butter. HUGH No. Okay, you did go against me on the butter. But when you said-- a minute ago-- O.S. the VACUUM CLEANER starts. Claire comes in, grimly vacuuming the floor. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 59 -

HUGH (CONT'D) STEVE (to Claire) (yelling) Not now, please. Mom! (louder) Claire! Claire turns off the vacuum cleaner. CLAIRE Did you say something? STEVE What are you doing, Mom? CLAIRE Hugh? Do you remember--? HUGH Go ahead. CLAIRE The time we stopped at that beautiful waterfall on the way home from Santa's Village? Remember? You just pulled over? HUGH You said: "Pull over." CLAIRE We sat at a picnic table and ate Frosted Flakes out of the box? And Stevie went swimming in his underpants? STEVE I remember. That was so neat. CLAIRE We didn't even know where we were. HUGH What about it?

CLAIRE I was just thinking. She turns on the VACUUM CLEANER and exits. STEVE So, Dad, I think Gunsmoke's on next. HUGH Not just yet, son. Do you remember when you said-- a minute ago, maybe more, maybe less--when you came in and said-- about your sandwich? The words you used to describe your sandw-- DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 60 -

STEVE "Motherfucker?" HUGH That's-- Yeah. But don't-- STEVE Is it bad? HUGH Is it bad. Why don't we ask the expert. (to Bunny) Is it bad, Uncle Bunny--? BUNNY Well. Depending on the context, I mean, in jazz it's-- You hear a great solo, you might say, "Wow, that Tommy sure is"-- and then the-- STEVE Motherfucker. HUGH No, you might not say-- You're not in Paris. BUNNY It's not literal. Then again, knowing Tommy-- (He actually expects a laugh) You'd have to know him. CLAIRE (entering) Hugh? Maybe now would be a good time for us to have a little talk with Stevie. HUGH What? No. CLAIRE He's almost thirteen.

STEVE Talk about what? HUGH Nothing. BUNNY The birds and the bees? STEVE Birds and bees? What about 'em? HUGH (to Bunny) Go to your room. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 61 -

Bunny chuckles, thinking he's joking. CLAIRE Bunny? BUNNY Go to my room? CLAIRE We need to talk with Stevie. HUGH "We?" No. No. Me. Thank you. STEVE Sarcasm. Dad, you did it! CLAIRE BUNNY Stevie? (exiting) (not now) Go to my room. CLAIRE (to Hugh) Honey, wouldn't this make a nice family discussion? I know how hard it is for you to talk about-- what-have- you. HUGH The situation is under control. Son, have a seat. As Steve is already sitting, Stevie stands STEVE Where? HUGH At ease, Ensign. Steve sits back down. Claire exits.

CLAIRE Pay attention to Daddy, Hon. I'll be in the next room. Hugh sits beside Steve. HUGH So then. STEVE Bees and birds? Hugh stands. HUGH Birds, Steve. And bees. Birds and bees. For example. The way they have babies. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 62 -

STEVE Birds don't have babies! HUGH Sure they-- Steve, baby birds. STEVE Oh. Eggs. HUGH No-- Yes, that's correct. Very good. But people, Steve. STEVE Ladies. HUGH Yuh-huh. STEVE --Like Mom? HUGH How about another lady, Chief? Say, Mrs. Johnson. And one day Mr. and Mrs. Johnson get married, and now they're ready to have a baby. STEVE God makes Mrs. Johnson pregnant. Dad, I know. HUGH Sh. Sh. Shhh. Settle down, Steve. STEVE Guess what I'm gonna name my baby. HUGH I'll take questions later. Just let's-- STEVE Hubert.

HUGH What? STEVE My baby. I'm gonna name it after you. If it's a boy. HUGH That's nice. I really don't think you'll have to worry about that for a long time to come. But someday-- someday you're gonna meet a nice girl-- STEVE (over) Meaghan O'Malley invited me to the Haunted Hayride. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 63 -

HUGH I know it seems like a long ways off-- What? STEVE Meaghan O'Malley, a girl in school. Claire enters. CLAIRE (to Hugh) I told you about that. Didn't I? HUGH She asked him on a date. CLAIRE Oh, she's a little sweetheart, Hugh. HUGH No. It's the boy who's supposed to ask-- CLAIRE It's a hay ride. A church social. HUGH Wait. O'Malley? What church? CLAIRE Mrs. O'Malley is chaperoning. It's perfectly fine. HUGH St. Joseph's. CLAIRE Hugh. It's a haunted hay ride. HUGH It's a Catholic hay ride. STEVE With nuns. HUGH No nuns. They'll brainwash him. CLAIRE Don't be silly. HUGH Fish on Fridays. Coca-Cola. That's how they operate. CLAIRE Coca-Cola? HUGH Case closed. You're dismissed. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 64 -

CLAIRE And you're being ridiculous. (Claire exits.) HUGH No more interruptions. I'm trying to talk to my son. (to Steve) I'm sorry, Chief, you're too young for this. Girls. You're just not ready. STEVE Okay. HUGH Girls, Steve-- Some girls, certain girls-- Irish girls, if they get you alone-- CLAIRE (O.S.) Hugh! HUGH Dismissed! O.S. a DOOR SHUTS. HUGH (CONT'D) Girls, Steve, in general, like to kiss. STEVE Yup. HUGH And hug. And I know how tempting that can be when you're-- Because boys, once the kissing starts . . . Carelessness . . . can . . . Steve? STEVE I know. Sink a battleship. Hugh sits down beside Steve.

HUGH I planned to tell you this when you were older. STEVE I'll wait. HUGH The middle of the night, Steve. The middle of the ocean. Can you picture that? All around you, nothing but sky. Then, in the distance, hear that rumble? Here they come, out of the dark: Three Jap freighters, four destroyers, an aircraft carrier, two transports--five hundred Japanese warriors crossing the Pacific. As far as you can see. You're surrounded by ocean. A thousand miles in all directions: Ocean, that's five miles deep. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 65 -

STEVE From here to Worcester--deep? HUGH You know what's down there? STEVE Fish. HUGH Eighty-seven men, Steve. American men. Packed together in a little steel tube, looking for a fight. I was one of 'em. STEVE In your submarine? HUGH We were sharks, Stevie, hunting enemy warships to blow out of the water. And they were hunting for us, to send us to the bottom of the sea. STEVE Five miles deep? HUGH Oh, you'd never make it that far. STEVE How come? HUGH Water pressure. The further down you go, the more that water wants to crush you. STEVE Crush the sub? Hugh puts his arm around Steve. Steve snuggles.

HUGH I'm okay, Stevie. I made it through. A lot of us didn't. My best friend, Sparky. One mistake, down you go. Around 500 feet, rivets start springing leaks. Then the light bulbs blow, and you're in the dark. Men start crying, praying. STEVE But why didn't they get out before it started to sink? HUGH At 600 feet, the valves start blowing steam, scalding you. That's when the screaming starts. (MORE) DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 66 -

HUGH (CONT'D) Finally the weakest spot on the hull blows, and the seawater explodes in like a freight train, while thousands more tons crush the sub like a toothpaste tube, and all that sudden force causes a fireball explosion, so you burn alive while you drown while you get crushed to death. Not a nice way to go, is it? Claire hurries in. CLAIRE Hugh? Hugh. HUGH (still to Steve) "One mistake is all it takes." That's what we used to * say in the Navy. So . . . when the time comes, son, just go to the drug store, if you get my drift. STEVE Drug store? Bunny enters. BUNNY "Don't make a mistake, cover your snake." CLAIRE Bunny! BUNNY That's what we said in the Army. HUGH You need shock treatments. No. No. You need a taxi. That's it. That's it. There's a Howard Johnson's five miles from here. CLAIRE Oh, Hugh, it's perfectly natural.

HUGH You're right, forget the taxi. I'll drive him myself. STEVE What's shock treatments? CLAIRE He's not going to a Howard Johnson's. HUGH Oh yeah? Either he goes, or I do. CLAIRE Oh, Hugh-- DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 67 -

HUGH Think I'm pullin' your leg? BUNNY Save your breath. It'll be a pleasure. Go ahead, call me a taxi. CLAIRE You're a taxi. Steve laughs. HUGH Steven, go to your room. (to Claire) This is not a joke! Steve exits to the alcove and watches. CLAIRE Hugh. Don't be like that. I know you're on edge. We're all on edge. HUGH I'm fed up! To here with everything that's happened in this house the past two days. The politics, the news, his jungle music-- (to Bunny) --your Pope John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who's gonna get us all blown to smithereens-- STEVE Mom? CLAIRE He's exaggerating. We're not gonna get blown to smithereens. HUGH CLAIRE Mississippi's on fire, colored people Hugh, stop. running wild, and he brings one of 'em here--to our house with the ghetto language-- BUNNY CLAIRE Eddie doesn't talk like that! Hugh, that's enough! HUGH He didn't get it from us! BUNNY And what the hell are you so afraid of? Jim Crow bigot. You've got everything but the white sheet! DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 68 -

CLAIRE Bunny, shut up! HUGH Bug-eyed bugle-boy candy-ass-- CLAIRE Both of you! SHUT THE HELL UP! Beat. HUGH (to Bunny) Four eyes. (or another insult) CLAIRE Hugh! What is wrong with you? HUGH Me? Me?! CLAIRE We could all be vaporized any minute. STEVE Mom? CLAIRE Not really. HUGH Talk to him! I'm the normal one! CLAIRE I am so tired of normal. So bored and exhausted. The whole world is at war, they won't stop killing each other, they want to blow up the planet--and now you want to start a war in our house? You want to lock us up--and bring the war inside?

HUGH Who do you think you're talking to? CLAIRE He's my brother, Hugh. I love him, and he was not smoking in bed! (to Bunny) Tell him! Bunny holds Hugh's glare. CLAIRE (CONT'D) Somebody set their building on fire. Beat. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 69 -

STEVE On purpose? CLAIRE It's in the paper. "Arson." She slaps the paper in Hugh's hand. HUGH I didn't do it. CLAIRE What does it have to do with you? HUGH That's what I want to know! (Beat) I just want things back the way they were, before he showed up-- CLAIRE (over) They're not going back! I don't want them back! HUGH I'm talking! CLAIRE This isn't your submarine! A few beats of stunned silence. CLAIRE (CONT'D) Bunny, would you excuse us, please? BUNNY Stevie, come on. Bedtime. Bunny and Steve exit.

CLAIRE I'm going to start driving the car. HUGH You're right. We're upset and we're saying things-- CLAIRE I got my drivers license and I'm going to start driving the car. HUGH Don't interrupt. (realizing what she's said) You what? DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 70 -

CLAIRE HUGH I saved my allowance for driving Behind my back. Behind my back? No. lessons, and I'm-- I'm going to be You're not. a waitress so I can have money of my own-- CLAIRE I'm getting a job. And then I'm going to join a bowling league. A women's bowling league. Yes, I am. I don't need your permission, Hugh. HUGH Oh yeah? How about this? When Brother Bunny gets another place of his own, you can move in with him. How's that? CLAIRE That's a horrible thing to say. HUGH In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be at the Howard Johnson's. Hugh leaves the house. Shaken, Claire stares at the door. Bunny enters. BUNNY Sorry. CLAIRE Oh, it's not you. We hear Hugh's car start. BUNNY No, I mean about Eddie. He's sleeping in the driveway. Hugh BLASTS his CHEVY HORN. Eddies BLOWS his Renault horn. The HORN WAR escalates, then fades as Hugh drives away. BUNNY (CONT'D) I guess he's awake now. FADE LIGHTS DOWN STEVE'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT It's dark. Bunny and Steve sleep in separate beds, a lamp between them. Bunny SNORES. STEVE Uncle Bunny? SNORING STOPS. STEVE (CONT'D) Uncle Bunny? DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 71 -

BUNNY Huh? STEVE You awake? BUNNY Mmm. STEVE Do you think we're gonna blow up tomorrow? BUNNY (no) Uh-uh. STEVE Aren't you scared? BUNNY A little. You'd be crazy not to be. STEVE The news said we could blow up the whole world if we wanted to. Bunny turns on the lamp. They sit up. BUNNY You think we're that crazy? STEVE No. But they said the Russians could blow up the world too. BUNNY You know any Russians? STEVE Uh-uh.

BUNNY I do. Quite a few. In Paris. STEVE What are they like? BUNNY No crazier than we are. Can't say much for their taste in music. But I'm sure they're scared too. STEVE Really? BUNNY No one wants to be vaporized. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 72 -

STEVE I sure don't. BUNNY You probably wouldn't even feel it. STEVE I think it'd hurt. BUNNY Nah. You'd be gone before you had time to think. It's just a chemical reaction. The nuclear flash would turn your body to carbon molecules, just like that. You'd never even hear the boom. Okay? STEVE Yeah. I guess. Thanks, Uncle Bunny. BUNNY Being scared--that's the worst part. STEVE (he's heard enough) Okay then. Steve turns off the lamp. A few beats. BUNNY You know, Steve-- (Bunny turns on the lamp.) You awake? STEVE (bolt upright) Yup. BUNNY You know how your Dad doesn't like to talk about the war?

STEVE Yeah--? BUNNY When he was in that submarine, he was only five years older than you. STEVE Really? BUNNY Talk about being scared. STEVE Huh. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 73 -

BUNNY Night. STEVE Night. Bunny turns off the lamp. A few beats pass. The room remains dark. STEVE (CONT'D) What about heaven? BUNNY What about it? STEVE Do you believe in it? You know, how after you die you get to spend forever with your family--? BUNNY Huh. Now that you mention it, I guess I am scared of dying. STEVE (quietly) I don't know what I believe anymore. BUNNY (quietly) Join the club. INT. ALCOVE -- MORNING In her bathrobe, Claire sits at the table with a cup of coffee, reading the newspaper. The little RADIO PLAYS Anita Bryant: "MY LITTLE CORNER OF THE WORLD." Claire is troubled. A syncopated "Shave and a Haircut" KNOCK at the front door. CLAIRE (calling) It's unlocked. Eddie enters. His neck brace is gone. Claire gets up, turns the RADIO OFF. EDDIE Just me. CLAIRE Come in. Can I get you some coffee? EDDIE (remaining in the doorway) Oh, no. Just seeing if Bunny was up and about. Gonna head into Worcester, look at a couple apartments. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 74 -

CLAIRE Can you sit for a minute? EDDIE Oh, I don't know. (uncomfortable) School bus came and went. Stevie under the weather? CLAIRE I don't know. I just don't see the point in sending him. EDDIE It's nerve-wracking, alright. Russian ships. All this talk about missiles and bombs. CLAIRE It feels so strange. Things were good. Weren't they? EDDIE That coffee does smell inviting. Eddie sits at the table, and Claire pours coffee for him. . . CLAIRE Hugh came home from the war, found a good job. We got married. Bought a nice house. Had Stevie. I thought: we did it, finally got through the Depression, through the war. All those troubles. EDDIE We'll get through this. We'll get through. Claire might cry. She gets up, exits to the pantry. CLAIRE Excuse me. Claire returns with a bottle of whiskey. CLAIRE (CONT'D) Just a speck. For the coffee. It's Hugh's special bottle. She offers to pour for Eddie. EDDIE (declining) I'm fine, thanks. Claire pours for herself. CLAIRE Just a speck. (She sips.) Oo, that's so warm going down. I'm not sure if it's the coffee or the whiskey. I can't really taste it. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 75 -

She pours a little more in her cup. EDDIE Oh, I think you'll taste that. CLAIRE What was it like in Paris? EDDIE (wistfully) Mm. Good food. Good wine. Good music. CLAIRE But . . . How did they treat you? (pointedly) And Bunny? A moment of understanding. She's on to them. EDDIE Like kings. Oh. Like kings. I'm sure Bunny never told you, but he's a name over there. Big name. Around here you'd never know it. In Paris? Girl, anyplace we play, you couldn't get in, lines around the block. Billie Holiday comes to town, Bunny's her man. And that's the truth. CLAIRE Really? EDDIE Tony Bennett. Coltrane? They all want Bunny. CLAIRE So why did you leave? EDDIE (chuckle) Ask him, you won't get an answer. Bad Dixieland. Bad drivers. I think he missed his family.

CLAIRE Us? EDDIE You. I don't know why else he'd want to come back here. You and Stevie. CLAIRE I've been reading about Mississippi. The riots, the police. The police. I wish I didn't know. I wish Stevie didn't know. I know, he's got to learn sooner or later. But-- why now? If we're all going to just get-- (she stops) DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 76 -

EDDIE It's a scary thing. No doubt about it. You want to know my biggest fear? My life gets tedious. Eddie takes her hand. EDDIE (CONT'D) Your boy's very lucky to have you for a mom. CLAIRE I don't know. EDDIE Believe me. You are not the tedious kind. They hear A CAR DOOR CLOSE. CLAIRE What was that? EDDIE Car? Claire goes to the window, peeks through the blinds. CLAIRE (lovingly) Ohh. Hugh. He brought me flowers. EDDIE Flowers. See? CLAIRE Maybe you should go, so we can-- EDDIE Yeah, I'll just-- CLAIRE Or maybe the back door.

EDDIE Excuse me? CLAIRE Oh, no. No. Just the-- EDDIE Where? CLAIRE The door. In back. EDDIE Oh. Maybe you should put this away-- DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 77 -

Eddie goes to hand her the bottle of whiskey just as Hugh comes through the kitchen with a bouquet of flowers--and stops face-to-face with Claire and Eddie. CLAIRE Oh, Hugh. For me? HUGH Maybe. CLAIRE They're beautiful. HUGH (to Eddie) You like flowers? EDDIE Me? HUGH Yeah. You. He taps Eddie with the bouquet. CLAIRE Why don't I put them in water? EDDIE Look, man, I was just leaving-- HUGH With my whiskey? EDDIE No. Hugh tosses the bouquet at him. HUGH My wife?

CLAIRE Oh, Hugh! Hugh starts rolling up his sleeves. Eddie might laugh. EDDIE Believe me, it's not what you think. CLAIRE Hugh. He's a homo. (charitably) EDDIE --sexual. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 78 -

HUGH He's a Homo. EDDIE --sexual. HUGH Is that the best you can do? EDDIE It's true. HUGH What kind of sap do you take me for? You told me yourself, you were in the Army-- (revelation) Band. (beat) Son of a-- Wait a minute. Waaait a minute. CLAIRE Honey, you want a cocktail? HUGH No. Oh, no, this is good. This is gonna be-- (calling) Oh, Uncle Bunny? CLAIRE How about a nice highball with your special whiskey? HUGH Oh, no. I want to see his face. (calling) Call for Mr. Bunny?! CLAIRE What are you doing? Hugh-- HUGH I'm gonna clear the air. Right here. Right now. (calling louder) Oh, Brother Bunny? Someone has something to tell you. (to Eddie) Or would you like me to break the news to him? CLAIRE Hugh--? HUGH What. CLAIRE Bunny's a-- (on second thought) DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 79 -

EDDIE Homosexual. CLAIRE Uh-huh. Too. Realization hits Hugh like a shot. He looks at Eddie. At Claire. HUGH Wait. Don't-- No, wait. Your brother. Your brother? Bunny and Steve enter side-by-side in their pajamas, Steve wearing his Poll Parrots. BUNNY You rang? STEVE Jeekers, Uncle Bunny. We overslept. Hugh stares. HUGH Steven. STEVE Yeah, Dad? HUGH Go to your room. Lock the door. STEVE Duck and cover? HUGH On the double. Steve exits. HUGH (CONT'D) (to Claire) You knew. You knew? And you let him in our house? In our son's bedroom? CLAIRE Hugh! It's Bunny! EDDIE Wait a minute, what the hell are you implying? He's no goddamned pedophile! HUGH Who the hell's talking about feet? (approaches Bunny) I'm talkin' about his broken jaw. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 80 -

BUNNY What broken jaw? EDDIE (blocking Hugh) You'll have to get through me first. Try it. CLAIRE (blurts) I'm taking birth control pills. Silence. Hugh faces Claire. Claire manages to hold his gaze, but it's all she can do. Hugh waits for an explanation, but Claire outlasts him. BUNNY We'll just-- EDDIE (quietly) Excuse me. Eddie and Bunny exit. HUGH Birth control pills. How? CLAIRE They're pills. I swallow them. HUGH They're against the law. How-- do you get them? CLAIRE Oh. From Mister-- (Claire stops.) Mystery man. I can't tell you. HUGH You-- What? I'm your husband. You are going to tell me.

Stand-off stare. Claire does not give in. HUGH (CONT'D) (to Claire) How long? CLAIRE I don't-- HUGH How long? CLAIRE Shh. Stevie. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 81 -

HUGH Claire. How long have you been taking birth-control pills? CLAIRE Two years. Hugh walks away from her. Stops. HUGH Why? (beat) Claire! CLAIRE I don't know! (more calmly) I don't know why. HUGH We were supposed to have another son. CLAIRE I know you wanted another son. I didn't think we were ready. HUGH You didn't think--? This is not your decision! CLAIRE Yes, Hugh. I think it is. HUGH No! This is not the way it's supposed to be! It's supposed to be: The man goes to work. The man gives his wife a house and family to love and take care of. The man makes sure they're safe and secure. This is supposed to be a country where kids pray in school and respect the way things are supposed to be. And if some people don't like it, if they want to ride the front of the bus and go to college—I don't care! I just don't want to see it every night inside my house. I don't want you to see it. I don't want Stevie to see it! Lynch mobs, firing squads, a woman stabbed to death in the shower--and we're supposed to watch? What the hell is wrong with us? We're not supposed to be afraid anymore! (a glimpse of self-awareness) Russians, Communists--and Cuba! Now Cuba? You tell me! How am I supposed to protect my family when some madman ten thousand miles away can push a button, and this--everything-- just blows away? CLAIRE Protect us? From what? DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 82 -

HUGH Everything! From what? All of it! CLAIRE By shutting us in? Just who are you trying to protect? HUGH You've got a lotta goddamned nerve. CLAIRE Go. Go in there. Ask our son if he feels safe. HUGH You done? (beat) I'm going to work. When I come home, I want your pervert brother and his boyfriend gone. I want those pills in my hand, I want the name of your dealer. And you'd better have a good goddamned apology ready. For me--and for our son. He walks past her to the front door. CLAIRE You're my husband, not my commander. HUGH Yeah? You know, Howard Johnson's has a cleaning lady. They have room service too. Give it some thought. CLAIRE What if we blow up today? Hugh! What if we die here? You know what Stevie will be thinking about? Everything he's missed. (beat) That's why I'm not ready for another son. Hugh stands stunned. Claire gets the flowers, opens the door for him, gives him the flowers. CLAIRE (CONT'D) So you take these. Give them to your cleaning lady. HUGH Wait. Wait. CLAIRE I will not wait. We're through. He exits. She shuts the door. We hear his CAR START. We hear him DRIVE SLOWLY AWAY. Beat. Claire's emotions rise. Bunny and Eddie enter. Bunny's dressed. BUNNY (to Claire) I'll come back for my things. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 83 -

CLAIRE Where are you gonna go, Bun? BUNNY We'll be alright. CLAIRE Where? I don't think you can stay here. BUNNY Right. Which is why I'll be getting my things. CLAIRE I mean here. The country. EDDIE As I've pointed out from time to time. Like when he was diving out the window. CLAIRE Did you jump too? EDDIE Me? Hell no. I took the stairs. (Eddie chuckles.) Damn fool. CLAIRE Do they know who did it? Did they catch them? EDDIE Oh, I doubt anyone's looking. CLAIRE The police. Somebody's got to be investigating-- BUNNY Nobody is looking. Could've been the cops themselves. Could've been the landlord. Could've been a million people. Could've been him. (meaning Hugh) CLAIRE No. That's not-- (fair?) He's a good man, Bunny. He's honest. He works hard. He worries. About his job, about Stevie. (beat) And I lie. About-- I've been lying so long I forgot I was even doing it. BUNNY He didn't give you much choice. CLAIRE No. He didn't deserve that. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 84 -

BUNNY What are you going to do? Burn your drivers license? Have a baby? CLAIRE Stevie needs a father. BUNNY What about you? You need a father? CLAIRE You don't know! You don't know! BUNNY So do what he says. CLAIRE What else am I supposed to do? BUNNY About what? CLAIRE Money! Groceries. The house. The mortgage. BUNNY Get a job. The bus goes to Worcester every half-hour. CLAIRE Oh yeah, and who's gonna take care of Stevie? BUNNY He's in school. CLAIRE You think it's so-- This doesn't even concern you. Don't-- Steve enters, dressed.

STEVE I've been ducking and covering. Can I come out now? CLAIRE Oh, Stevie, come here. Claire goes to him, holds him. STEVE (suspicious) Are we going to war? CLAIRE EDDIE Oh, don't be silly. Not a chance, Bub. Not a chance. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 85 -

STEVE How come I'm home on a school day? (beat of silence) We're going to war. CLAIRE (eyes tearing) Honey, no. No. No one wants to go to war. We hear O.S. WHISTLING: Then a FRIENDLY KNOCK. MR. RIPPIT (O.S.) Anybody home? CLAIRE Come on in, Jack. Mr. Rippit enters--sees Eddie. MR. RIPPIT Say. EDDIE How do you do? CLAIRE Jack, this is Eddie. He plays piano with Bunny. MR. RIPPIT Sugar Ray Robinson. He's somethin'. EDDIE Not much of a boxing fan. MR. RIPPIT Too bad. Big fight comin' up. (cryptically, to Bunny) We'll talk. (seeing Steve) I see someone's playin' hooky today.

STEVE (gloomy) Hi, Mr. Rippit. MR. RIPPIT (to Claire) Good idea, keep him home. Just in case. You know, they say the cellar's your best bet if the missiles fly. CLAIRE Stevie's pretty nervous about it. MR. RIPPIT No doubt. If you make it through the blast, then you got the radiation to worry about. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 86 -

CLAIRE Stevie, you want to go out and play? MR. RIPPIT I think there's a chocolate milk out there with your name on it. CLAIRE What do you say, Hon? STEVE Thanks, Mr. Rippit. Steve walks out the door. MR. RIPPIT Well, Jackie's off to boot camp next week. CLAIRE Oh, Jack. MR. RIPPIT He wants to do his duty. And that's good. Some little jungle country somewhere on the China Sea. Communists again, tryin' to take over. (She pours his coffee.) CLAIRE I just hope we're out of there before Stevie's old enough-- (beat) God. That's only five years away. MR. RIPPIT Don't worry. Tiny little backward place. It'll be old news by Christmas. CLAIRE Why do they have to grow up so fast? We can't even tell him the facts of life. Oh, but we can send them to war.

MR. RIPPIT It's not easy. Facts of life. I remember the night we had the talk, Jackie and me. Whew. But, you know, you just sit him down, man to man. Turn on the projector-- (beat) Say, I've got a couple of movies I can drop off. Eight- millimeter, no sound. But they're Mexican anyway. CLAIRE No. No. I don't think-- MR. RIPPIT If you want, while I'm here-- DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 87 -

CLAIRE Nope. No. MR. RIPPIT True story. My father one time had to put down his work horse Benny. Poor old Benny had to go, but Dad just couldn't bring himself to pull the trigger. So Flatface Johnson the breadman stopped by on his route one morning, and he got the job done. CLAIRE Uh-huh? BUNNY (realizing Mr Rippit's meaning) This isn't the same thing. Steve comes in with his chocolate milk. MR. RIPPIT Here he is. What's the good word, Stevie? STEVE Huh? Bunny heads for the living room. BUNNY Stevie, come on in here for a minute. CLAIRE Oh, no. No. BUNNY Go ahead, Steve. Have a seat on the sofa. I'll be right in. Steve sits on the sofa. Bunny sips Claire's spiked coffee. BUNNY (CONT'D) I can-- I can do this. CLAIRE Ohh, I don't know. MR. RIPPIT You need a hand, give a holler. Bunny heads for the living room. Eddies stands. EDDIE Hit the brakes, A.J. You're gonna warp his mind. Let me do this. Less personal. CLAIRE Oh, no, I don't think-- DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 88 -

EDDIE Excuse me? CLAIRE No, go. Please. EDDIE (to Bunny) Well? BUNNY What? EDDIE You think I'm doin' this alone? Eddie and Bunny walk into the LIVING ROOM. Steve waits on the sofa. EDDIE (CONT'D) Look at him with his chocolate milk. Day off from school. Life of Riley. (to Bunny) Have a seat. You're a distraction. Bunny sits. EDDIE (CONT'D) Stevie? STEVE Uh-huh? EDDIE Here we go. (deep breath) Now then. There comes a time in every young man's life, Stevie . . . Steven? Mind if I call you Steven? STEVE Uh-uh.

Eddie and Steve stare at one another for several beats. EDDIE How old are you, son? STEVE Twelve. EDDIE Goin' on thirteen? STEVE (affirmative) Mm-hm. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 89 -

EDDIE Hold that thought. Eddie returns to the alcove. EDDIE (CONT'D) Any crayons in the house? CLAIRE No. Yes, but no, no crayons. Mr. Rippit stands. MR. RIPPIT I work with animals. CLAIRE Jack, wait. EDDIE He might be on to something. Mr. Rippit and Eddie join Bunny in the living room, flanking Steve. MR. RIPPIT Stevie. STEVE Hi, Mr. Rippit. MR. RIPPIT Stevie, you've been up to my farm. STEVE Uh-huh. MR. RIPPIT Several times as I recall. Seen all those cows. Jerseys, Guernseys.

STEVE Mm-hm. MR. RIPPIT And I'll just bet you already know the difference between a cow and bull, don't you? STEVE Uhh . . . MR. RIPPIT You can say it. STEVE We don't fight cows. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 90 -

MR. RIPPIT Mm. EDDIE But we do fight bulls. BUNNY In Spain. MR. RIPPIT In Spain they fight the bulls. You got me. But here in America, Stevie, we breed bulls. EDDIE We breed bulls. Exactly. BUNNY With cows. STEVE What's that, Mr. Rippit, breed? EDDIE (encouraging Rippit) You got it. MR. RIPPIT That's an excellent question, Stevie. I'm glad you asked. Let's say you got, oh, forty, fifty cows out in your pasture, grazin'. Chompin' away, eatin' that grass with their hineys up high and them long tails a'waggin'. Back and forth. Back and forth. EDDIE Uh-huh--? MR. RIPPIT And up there on the hill. See that big ol' bull waltzin' down? Lucky son of a gun.

EDDIE Keep it on the road. On the road. MR. RIPPIT Stevie, have you ever heard the expression "hung like a bull?" BUNNY EDDIE Yeah, that's not-- Wrong turn. MR. RIPPIT I'm there. No, no-- CLAIRE (O.S.) Stevie? Honey? DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 91 -

MR. RIPPIT Ah, jeez. Disappointment. STEVE Yeah, Mom? CLAIRE Would you help me pick some apples for pie? STEVE You're gonna make a pie? Today? CLAIRE Sure. Why not? Claire and Stevie exit. MR. RIPPIT I was this close. Another 30 seconds, I woulda had it. EDDIE (to Bunny) Didn't you want to see those apartments? BUNNY Apartments. Yeah. MR. RIPPIT (to Eddie) So who do you like, Kruschev? EDDIE Kruschev? MR. RIPPIT Or Kennedy. EDDIE Kennedy, man. What kind of question is that? My President.

MR. RIPPIT I got a guy in Dorchester giving four-to-three on the Russians. EDDIE (astonished) You're the milkman! MR. RIPPIT You like horses? I got even money on Kelso at the Governor's Plate. Hard money out of Jersey goin' down against him. But they don't know Kelso, my friend. That gelding is one world-class motherfucker. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 92 -

BUNNY Uh-huh. Enter Steve and Claire, her apron loaded down with apples. CLAIRE Leaving? BUNNY EDDIE Yeah, we've gotta-- --go. They exit. MR. RIPPIT Well, I suppose I'd better run along myself, Mrs. Whitebottom, today being my long day. What do you say, son, how about a chocolate milk for the road? STEVE Another one? MR. RIPPIT Why not? It'll just take half a minute. STEVE Mom, can I? CLAIRE Go ahead. But save it for lunch. Thanks, Jack. See you Thursday. MR. RIPPIT I hope so. Steve and Mr. Rippit exit together, Mr. Rippit WHISTLING. CLAIRE'S THEME: "STRANGERS ON THE SHORE." Claire looks at her house. She loves her house. At least, she always has. She picks up some things and gravitates to Hugh's empty recliner.

Steve enters with his chocolate milk, deeply troubled. CLAIRE Did you thank Mr. Rippit? Steve stares at his mother as if she's an alien. We can see that he's just been educated about human reproduction. CLAIRE (CONT'D) Stevie? STEVE Huh? CLAIRE Did you thank Mr. Rippit? DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 93 -

STEVE (heading to the sofa) I don't know. CLAIRE Want me to make you some lunch? STEVE I don't care. She takes the chocolate milk from him, then turns on the television. THE JETSONS. CLAIRE Go ahead and watch TV, Hon. I'm going to lie down for awhile. (studying him) Sure you're okay? STEVE I'm not hungry. Claire exits to her bedroom. Steve sits on the sofa. As he stares at the TV, his eyes get heavy. THE JETSONS grows dreamlike, and Steve falls asleep. CHANGE LIGHTS--late afternoon. "THE JETSONS" CROSS-FADES TO "SUPERMAN." Enter Bunny, wearing a trench coat and carrying a new suitcase. BUNNY Hello? Bunny sets his suitcase down and exits to the bedroom. Eddie enters, also dressed for travel. EDDIE (calling) Taxi's here.

Seeing Steve, Eddie come into the living room. Eddie turns off the TV. From the bedroom, Bunny enters with his trumpet. EDDIE (CONT'D) (softer) Taxi's here. Steve's eyes open. BUNNY (gently) It's all over, Stevie. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 94 -

STEVE (terrified) It is? BUNNY The Russians called back their ships. EDDIE We can stop worrying. STEVE Really? EDDIE Really. STEVE Where's Mom? BUNNY She's taking a nap. I didn't want to wake her. STEVE What time is it? BUNNY A little after five. STEVE Five. Holy smokes. Dad's gonna be home. She's gotta make supper. BUNNY Let her sleep. Listen. Stevie. We're gonna hit the road. STEVE You found a place to live? BUNNY (beat) Headin' back to Paris. STEVE France? BUNNY We're moving back, Stevie. Eddie and me. Eddie puts his arm around Bunny. STEVE How come? BUNNY Oh, I don't know. So we never have to play the Beer Barrel Polka. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 95 -

EDDIE Amen to that. STEVE When are you comin' back? BUNNY Not sure. EDDIE You take care of yourself, Bub. Steve stands, and they shake hands. STEVE (to Bunny) Aren't you gonna say bye to Mom? BUNNY I'll send her a postcard. STEVE Send me one too. BUNNY Yeah. (choking up) Give her a kiss for me. Bunny rubs his head, then Bunny and Eddie exit. In the door, Steve watches them go. The taxi drives away. Behind Steve, the stereo console comes alive. A record drops: DAVE BRUBECK: "TAKE FIVE" Curious, Steve approaches the stereo console, stands between the speakers and listens. Intently. Then he turns the music LOUDER. And pulls the hassock around to face the stereo. He sits and listens, his senses heightened. The door opens. Hugh enters quietly, carrying a paper bag. Steve doesn't hear him. From the doorway, Hugh studies his son. Then he walks into the living room. Steve looks up sheepishly, expecting to be scolded. Hugh kneels at Steve's feet and, from the bag, takes out a shoe box. He removes Steve's right shoe. He opens the box and takes out a high-top sneaker: a Red Ball Jet. With his shoe horn, he slips the sneaker on. Lovingly, he ties the sneaker, feeling to make sure it's snug. Claire appears in the doorway and watches, unseen. Then she ducks back to the shadows, to give her men their moment. While Hugh ties Steve's left sneaker, Steve's right foot starts tapping the beat. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 96 -

With sneakers tied, Steve stands. He studies his sneakers. He rises on his tiptoes, rolls up his sleeves-- then pokes Hugh's shoulder and runs out the door into a low October sun. Hugh tucks the Poll Parrots in the sneaker box and closes the lid. He rises, goes to the window and pulls up the blinds. Looks outside. Claire comes to his side, puts her arm around him. FADE MUSIC. HUGH The Russians turned back. Kennedy backed 'em down. (with pride) J.F.K. He puts his arm around her. Steve runs back in. HUGH (CONT'D) How do you like 'em, Chief? STEVE Did you see me jump? HUGH You really got up there. CLAIRE Where's Uncle Bunny? STEVE Oh. Paris. CLAIRE What? STEVE Him and Eddie went back to France. CLAIRE When? STEVE Little while ago. CLAIRE But they left their car . . . here. HUGH (ominously) Oh boy. Claire wanders outside. STEVE What's wrong with Mom? Steve and Hugh watch out the window. DUCK and COVER 9-2-14 - 97 -

STEVE (CONT'D) She's gettin' in! Dad. Are you gonna let her drive? We hear: Claire BLOWS HER HORN. Steve runs for the door. STEVE (CONT'D) Holy smokes! Mom! Wait up! HUGH Stevie-- Steve stops. HUGH (CONT'D) Just-- (beat) Go on. Steve starts out, then pauses-- STEVE Hey, Dad, you were right about Mr. Rippit. Wait'll you hear what he told me about the birds and the bees. Psycho. Steve runs outside. Hugh watches out the window. Once more the stereo comes alive. A record drops. Hugh notices but remains intent on the outdoors, as Claire and Steve drive away. Indoors the MUSIC STARTS--LOUD. Chuck Berry, JOHNNY B. GOODE. Hugh considers the music with more curiosity than resistance. He lets the record play-- and he walks outside. FADE LIGHTS. CONTINUE MUSIC for curtain call. - END -