"ZACK ATTACK"

Written by

Brittany Ashley

"" spec INT. ROSALITAS - DAY BRAD, ALEX, DAVE, PENNY, JANE and MAX sit in their booth at Rosalita’s. Max, surrounded by birthday presents, opens one wrapped in newspaper. Much to his dismay, it’s the same exact shirt that Dave is wearing. MAX Another v-neck... from Dave. DAVE Hey man, you’re welcome. Max opens another gift, covered in a shitload of glitter. MAX Saved by the Bell boxed DVD set! Thank you, Penny! PENNY When we dated in college, I always thought we were like the Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski of the quad. ALEX Aww, you guys! PENNY That is, until you lost your virginity to my RA, Zach Mores... ALEX Ehh... Roof stoof. MAX (remembering) Oh yeah, that dude was a smoke show, had a mouth like--- PENNY (interrupting, Shakespearean-style) Ah yes, a twist of irony that Past Penny wasn’t prepared for. But Present Penny finds quite charming. JANE Well it’s clear that I’d be the Jessi Spano. Top of the class, unstoppable dancer and that brief addiction to caffeine pills. 2.

BRAD Caffeine pills, really? JANE I HAD TO PASS MY CALC MIDTERM, you don’t know the type of pressure I was under! I was so... scared. BRAD That makes me Slater, right, Mama? MAX I was thinking more like the Lisa Turtle. Alex, Dave, Penny, Max and Jane all nod. BRAD Why? Because I’m black? Alex, Dave, Penny, Max and Jane all hem and haw. ALEX Because you’re stylish. MAX Because you trademarked “The Sprain”. DAVE Because you say no to dope. PENNY Because you’re the understood fourth member of Hot Sundae. JANE Because we ran into Dustin Diamond at a Cubs game last year and he tried to have a threesome with us. DAVE & MAX Woof. ALEX That is some harsh barley. They all agree. Alex picks up the last gift on the table. ALEX (CONT'D) No, I mean that’s what I got Max for his birthday. Alex proudly hands Max a bag of barley. 3.

OPENING CREDITS

INT. JANE AND BRAD’S APARTMENT - DAY Jane packs a suitcase. Everything is vacuum-sealed. BRAD Do you really have to go, Boo? JANE I told you, the Annual Kerkovich Olympics is mandatory. And you know if it’s mandatory, I’m there. BRAD Who made it mandatory? JANE I did. Jane adds dumbbell weights and knee pads to her luggage. BRAD But you didn’t go last year. JANE Oh yes I did. I just lied to you. Yeah, I lied it up reaaal good. BRAD I knew a 48-hour library lock-in wasn’t a real thing. Why’d you lie? JANE Because I knew you’d want to come and I just don’t think that-- BRAD You don’t think I’d be a good teammate. JANE I’m sorry, Boobear, I just wouldn’t want my competitive, always-a- winner outlook on life to upset you. Besides, my cousin Skylar, the one who plays football at Notre Dame, is my partner. And we always, and I mean always, shred the competition. Including Great Aunt Catherine the summer of 2003.. May she rest in peace. 4.

BRAD I thought your Aunt Catherine passed away from breast cancer? JANE Some say she died that summer... of a broken spirit.

INT. MAX’S APARTMENT - DAY Max, Penny and Alex sit on Max’s couch as Dave comes over with a blender full of pink liquid. DAVE And strawberry daq’s to begin the bday celebrashe. Al, I added some of my Creatine powder so you’d have an edge over Jane this weekend. (beat) Yeah, I use Creatine now. PENNY Yeaaaah you kinda talk about it a lot. DAVE Uh, no I don’t. MAX Uh, yeah you do. Yesterday you put Creatine in our chili and said that Penny’s roid rage was “just the Creatine talking.” Penny aggressively grabs Max’s collar. PENNY You got something you wanna say to my face, bitch? Max squeals, but then takes a beat. MAX Actually, kinda into it. PENNY (upbeat) Really? MAX No. Sorry. Still into dudes. 5.

ALEX (re: smoothie) Thanks anyway, Dave. But I don’t really care about winning. I got eliminated last year in the first round. That stupid potato sack race, I put it on upside down. PENNY You put it over your head? ALEX I thought it was just a very large blind fold. MAX It’s too bad you and Jane won’t be here, we’re going Drag Brunch tomorrow and Roscoe’s tonight for my birthday. ALEX Bummer. I am a great wingman. Alex takes a sip of the smoothie. DAVE Don’t you just cry until they give you their phone number? MAX Yeah, it’s brilliant, Dave. Alex aggressively grabs Dave’s shirt collar. ALEX You got a problem with that, Slim? DAVE Maybe I’ll cool it on the Creatine. PENNY I can be your wingman tonight, Max. But you should know that by wingman, I don’t mean the conventional definition of just trying to make you sound more appealing. I mean I want to dress up like a Southwest Airlines flight attendant and pretend you’re my dependable, yet sometimes drunk, pilot boss. 6.

MAX So just like last time. Got it.

EXT. IN LINE AT ROSCOE’S - NIGHT Dave wears his typical Dave outfit - a v-neck and jeans. Brad wears a suit. And Penny and Max are both dressed like it’s gay pride weekend. PENNY What are you feeling tonight for your birthday romance, Max? A grizzly bear? A polar bear? A cub? DAVE I, for one, would love to see a Cub come out of the closet. To proudly say, I pitch and catch. (puts his fist up) Gay rights. MAX Thanks, Dave. But a cub is a hairy, chubby gay dude. BRAD (laughs) What an uncultured fool. DAVE Exsqueeze? BRAD Oh nothing. Hey, Max. Did you watch last night’s episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. That death drop?! Brad does a twirl. MAX Uh, hard no. I was watching the combat juggling championship. It’s pretty wild, they’re skilled jugglers but also beat the shit out of each other. DAVE (to Brad) Are you trying to one-up my love for the gay community? 7.

BRAD I mean it’s pretty obvious that when it comes to the gay community, you’re clueless. Like the 1995 film, Clueless, revered by the gay community. MAX Was it? DAVE As if! I’ll have you know, I took a community college course on human sexuality. I too feel like an outsider sometimes. PENNY Please don’t say because you’re 1/16th Navajo- DAVE Especially being 1/16th Navajo. MAX Yes you’re very oppressed. Now can we all just go in there and bombard the DJ with requests to play Moby? I love to bring down a crowd. And nothing brings a crowd down like Moby. BRAD (back to Dave) Gay guys love me. DAVE No, gay guys love me. PENNY Sorry to interject, but yeah gay guys love me most. Proceed. Dave and Brad get progressively more catty. BRAD I’d love to see you try and get any gay man to notice you in that outfit, honey. DAVE V-necks are timeless! BRAD You wear that outfit every day. 8.

DAVE I do not. FLASHBACKS to Dave, in fact, wearing the same outfit, just in different colors, everyday:

INT. ROSALITAS - DAY Dave comes in with the same v-neck, but in blue, wearing black pants.

INT. ROSALITAS - NIGHT Dave comes in with the same v-neck, again, but in red, wearing blue pants.

INT. ROSALITAS - DAY Dave comes in with a Cubs jersey on. Pauses. Unbuttons it and reveals a purple v-neck on, while wearing green pants.

EXT. ROSCOE’S LINE - NIGHT DAVE (to Brad) At least I can pull off a casual look. It’s cuddly. You look like an attorney for Peter Francis Gerasi. BRAD I would crush you if it came down to who’d get hit on more by guys. DAVE We’ll see about that. They finally get to the front of the line. Brad jumps in front of Dave. Brad lightly slaps Dave in the face. BRAD Brad shall stay. Dave, sashe away. That’s a Drag Race term, you wouldn’t get it. Brad storms off. 9.

EXT. KERKOVICH FAMILY FRONT YARD - NIGHT Jane and Alex stand in the front lawn of a suburban home with a giant banner boasting the “2013 Kerkovich Olympics”. JANE You smell that? Jane revels in the smell, like it’s her old high school football field. ALEX The fertilizer? JANE No. The sweet and satisfying smell of competition where family is pitted against family. I feel just like Mel Gibson in “Braveheart”. ALEX And I’ve been feeling just like Mel Gibson in “What Women Want” because I swore I have been reading your mind lately. Jane looks horrified. Alex is reading her mind. ALEX (CONT'D) You shaved the tops of your feet for more aerodynamics? Jane continues to stare straight on. ALEX (CONT'D) You took steroids for this? Jane doesn’t budge. ALEX (CONT'D) You feel responsible for Auntie Catherine’s death? JANE That’s enough. ALEX But we’re on the same page about the fertilizer right? 10.

JANE No absolutely, Dad is going to kill someone with the amount that’s in the air right now. But, that’s a chance I’m willing to take. Jane lays out a sleeping bag in the center of the front lawn. ALEX You’re going to sleep outside? JANE When you become one with the battlegrounds, you can learn how to defeat your opponents. Alex shrugs and goes inside the house. Jane looks to the sky. JANE (CONT'D) (whispers) Sorry, Aunt Catherine. You were collateral damage.

INT. ROSCOE’S - BAR - NIGHT Max and Penny stand at the bar waiting to order. PENNY What about that guy? He’s cute. MAX Nah. Those finance guys always want you to have a “good credit score” and “assets” and “at least two pairs of pants.” PENNY It’d never work. Max and Penny try to order from a BUFF BARTENDER who isn’t paying attention to them, because he’s flirting with some guy who is blocked by the crowd. MAX UGH he’s not even looking this way! Who the hell is he talking to that’s soo important?! REVEAL Dave, suddenly wearing a scarf and drinking a cranberry vodka, flirting with the bartender. 11.

MAX (CONT'D) Is that a fashion scarf? Oh, Dave, not again. PENNY Yikes on bikes. MAX Let’s go to the back bar. The bartender has a lazy eye but at least he sees me. Max and Penny push their way through the crowd towards the back but a big crowd prevents them from doing so. PENNY Move, gays! Max and Penny see that it’s a dance circle. REVEAL Brad, in the center, doing boy band choreography for onlookers. PENNY (CONT'D) Glad that choreographed dance finally came in handy. He’s been sitting on that for years. MAX Oh come on! I just want a drink! Max quickly turns around and runs into LESLIE, a confident, butch lesbian who accidentally spills her drink on Penny. LESLIE (to Penny) I’m so sorry. (takes a deeper look) Wow, you’re beautiful. PENNY (flattered) Really? LESLIE Can I please buy you a drink to make up for this? PENNY I can’t say no to that. MAX Get me one too, Pen. 12.

LESLIE (to Penny) How come I haven’t seen you out before? PENNY (getting flirty) Me? Oh I’m usually, you know... at the gym. Or volunteer firefighting. Or at the... gym. LESLIE You’re so funny, Pen. Max notices Leslie called her Pen. In fact, Penny isn’t even paying attention to Max anymore. Max’s eyes get big, enraged.

INT. ROSCOE’S - NIGHT Penny’s back is turned to Max, as Penny and Leslie flirt. LESLIE So I said, you can’t wear stripes with flannel! Penny laughs hard at the punchline. Max fake laughs and tries to nudge Penny. MAX Pen, it’s almost midnight. PENNY (whispers to Max) I know. Isn’t Leslie great? MAX Let’s just go home, order a pizza from Bacci’s and finish “Sister Act 3: With Vengeance.” PENNY Actuaaaally, I think I’m gonna stop at Leslie’s loft to see the greyhound she rescued. LESLIE A lot of animals need homes, Max. Max looks at his watch. It strikes midnight. Max looks at Penny who is enamored with Leslie, a stranger. He looks over at Brad who is grinding on a bunch of leather daddies. Then he looks over at Dave who is doing sit-ups on top of the bar. 13.

Max defeatedly walks away and out the door of Roscoe’s.

EXT. KERKOVICH FAMILY FRONT YARD - DAY Jane wears a custom shirt she made for her and Skylar. Nearby, Alex eats an entire bowl of cocktail shrimp. Jane spots Skylar, sitting a crowded table. But when the crowd disperses, we REVEAL Skylar with two leg casts on, in a wheelchair. Jane is mortified. JANE Skylar... Please tell me we added a wheelchair basketball event a la “Friday Night Lights”. SKYLAR I thought you heard. I got in a terrible accident last week. JANE Oh my god, you got in a car accident? SKYLAR Nah. Combat juggling. It’s brutal. JANE How could you do this to me? I was counting on you! SKYLAR You sound just like Coach Steve! Skylar rolls away in his wheelchair, looking betrayed. JANE So who’s going to be my partner? Jane looks around the yard and sees everyone in matching pairs outfits, except for Alex who’s putting cocktail shrimp on her eyelids and laughing with the 10-year old children.

INT. TWEET CAFE - DAY Max waits alone at a big table during Drag Brunch. CHRISTINA DRAGUILERA tries to take a chair away. MAX I told you my will be here. 14.

CHRISTINA DRAGUILERA We have a bachelorette party from the suburbs that wants this table. MAX Yikes. CHRISTINA DRAGUILERA Oh trust me, I know. Max spots Penny. MAX See, there. There’s my friends. Penny strolls in, donning a new flannel and a beanie, with Leslie and LESLIE’S TWO FRIENDS tailing her. MAX (CONT'D) Pen, you brought company... to my birthday brunch... PENNY Max, you remember my girlfriend Leslie. And these are her friends. This is Jamie, and this is her girlfriend, Jamie. JAMIE/JAMIE Sup/Sup. MAX Uh, what? Penny, Leslie, Jamie and Jamie all sit. Jamie goes for a piece of Max’s bacon. Max swats her hand away.

EXT. KERKOVICH FAMILY FRONT YARD - DAY Jane approaches Alex, who is shotgunning a beer. Jane swats the beer out of Alex’s mouth. JANE Suit up, Kerkovich. Skylar’s broken legs just tagged you into the game. ALEX But I don’t want to play in the games. 15.

JANE The only other human in the Kerkovich family without a partner is Kayla’s unborn baby. Alex and Jane turn to look at their pregnant cousin, KAYLA, who is doing squat thrusts with her partner. JANE (CONT'D) And it’s not due for another two weeks. Unless... Jane starts to maniacally ponder. ALEX No, I don’t want to be your partner. You’re going to get way too competitive and start yelling at me like Dad used to during our softball games. JANE You ran from third to second to first base. ALEX What can I say, it felt right. JANE And for the record, I have never yelled at you. We see a QUICK MONTAGE of Jane yelling at Alex: a) during a small game of Jenga, b) during a game of beer pong and c) during an Easter egg hunt. JANE (CONT'D) Okay, I will try very, very hard not to yell at you. Come on, Al, you’re my last hope. Beat. ALEX I need a guarantee. Or else it looks like you’ll be doing the three-legged race with only 1 and a half legs. Jane takes a deep breath in. She collects herself. 16.

JANE I promise not to yell at you for the next three hours, if you will please be my partner for the Kerkovich Olympics. ALEX Fine, I’ll do it. But only if I get a sick shirt so that I feel like part of the team. Jane takes a sharpie out of her bra, puts “Alex” on Alex’s shirt, which is good enough for Alex. ALEX (CONT'D) Schveet!

INT. TWEET CAFE - DAY While Penny, Leslie, Jamie and Jamie talk about the troubles that ail their community, Max checks his watch. Where are Dave and Brad? LESLIE So that’s when I said, “Buddy, you need to brush up on your herstory.” PENNY Herstory instead of history? Love that. LESLIE And I love you. PENNY And I love you. MAX And I love Totino’s pizza rolls. Are we all just saying random, insignificant things we love? PENNY Max. Things have been getting really serious with Leslie. Look, we even fostered a kitten. Penny pulls a kitten out from her purse. MAX You’re allergic. Penny sneezes. 17.

LESLIE Together, we can get through any battles that life throws our way. MAX Alright, I’ve had about enough of this. LESLIE Babe, it’s okay. We knew he’d respond this way. PENNY Max, this won’t come as a shock to you that I don’t have good luck with men. MAX Yeah, neither of us do! It’s kind of what bonds us. PENNY Maybe it’s because I never realized before that... (theatrically) I’m a lesbian. MAX Okay, Pen, this is just a phase. The table GASPS. LESLIE My step-dad had the same reaction. It’s the heteronormative patriarchy rearing its ugly head. MAX What? No, you don’t know Penny. She always does this. Once she dated a hipster guy and only ate granola for two weeks straight. PENNY Those were some weird poops. MAX Another time, she dated a mixologist and spent $300 at a vest convention he wanted to go to. JAMIE 1 Aw, I missed Say Yes to the Vest? Damn, I love that convention. 18.

MAX What I’m saying is - Penny molds herself into whatever the other person wants her to be. PENNY Wow. I didn’t realize the first time I’d experience homophobia it’d be with someone in my community. Dave finally enters, dressed in a tight pink polo, plaid shorts, and a sweater tied around his neck. DAVE Hi, dolls. What an anoche I had. Dave plops down in a chair and starts rattling on. DAVE (CONT'D) Cesar, the meaty bartender, wanted to go on a cruise last night. I thought he meant a boat so I was at Montrose Harbor til 3am. I didn’t realize he just wanted to go to MiniBar to find some twinks. Dave laughs. MAX Okay what is going on? And why do you look like an Old Navy mannequin? Brad walks in, with a nearly identical outfit to Dave’s. BRAD Well, look what the cat dragged in. Brad gives Dave a side-eye and plops down next to him. MAX I repeat: Uh, what’s going on here? BRAD And I saw you give a lap dance to Dr. Suzuki. Even though you knew he was laying it on thick with me. MAX Your... chiropractor? 19.

DAVE Yeah, turns out he and his boyfriend just broke up so he needed some cheering up. BRAD That’s funny, because he and I have plans today. DAVE You bitch! MAX Okay, I’ve had enough! All I wanted was to spend my birthday with my friends in Boystown but all you’ve done is co-opt my gay identity as your own. Max tries to leave and bumps into Jamie on the way out. MAX (CONT'D) Out of my way, Jenny. JAMIE 2 It’s Jamie! MAX YEAH WHATEVER! They all look pensive until... DAVE & BRAD DRAMA!

EXT. KERKOVICH FAMILY BACKYARD - DAY The teams stretch. Everyone is in uniform. CASEY KASEM appears behind a podium. CASEY KASEM Welcome to the 2013 Kerkovich Olympics. I’m your host, Casey Kasem. ALEX (TO JANE) How did our parents afford Casey Kasem for this? JANE (TO ALEX) They sold their condo on Michigan Avenue. And they dipped into your savings. And mine. 20.

CASEY KASEM Let the games begin! CASEY KASEM (CONT'D) Round 1: Blindfolded pogo-sticking! Jane, along with the other competitors, are blindfolded and pogo-sticking through the yard. Alex, and their competitor counter-parts yell instructions to where the finish line is. ALEX (to Jane) Now go left! Jane goes left, while the other competitors go right. One of the other competitors wins, Casey Kasem shoots a gun in the air. CASEY KASEM Winner! Jane takes off her blindfold, certain that she has won. She’s far away from the other competitors. Alex is holding her fingers up in the shape of an “L”. ALEX Sorry... wrong way. Also, was that a real gun? - NEXT: CASEY KASEM Round 2: High-school calculus! Jane is “Rainman”-style scribbling on a chalkboard, Alex yells obscenities into the other competitor’s faces to distract them. JANE Finished! Jane slams a buzzer. Casey comes over to inspect. Casey Kasem shoots a gun in the air. CASEY KASEM Folks, we have a winner! A bird flies down from the sky, presumably that he shot. ALEX That definitely is a real gun. 21.

INT. STEAMWORKS PRIVATE STEAMROOM - DAY Dave, in a towel, walks through the steam of a group sauna. DAVE (calling out) Cesar? CESAR (O.S.) We’re in here! Dave pushes past the steam to see his new friend CESAR and CESAR’S TWO FRIENDS lounging about. DAVE I love a gym with no equipment. Really takes the pressure off. (beat) Yeah I work out. CESAR (winking) Well, some people do get a work out here. DAVE Yeah I guess you could do body weight exercises anywhere. Right, guys? CESAR Totally. We’re also into group workouts. DAVE I love that. Keeping yourselves accountable. See, when I started talking Creatine...

EXT. KERKOVICH FAMILY BACKYARD - DAY QUICK CUTS of the next few rounds. - Casey shouts to the competitors: CASEY KASEM Round 5: Gourmet pizza making! Jane and Alex pull a pizza out of the oven at the same time as their competitors. Alex forgets to use oven mitts and drops it on the ground. Jane rubs her temples. - Casey shouts to the competitors: 22.

CASEY KASEM (CONT'D) Round 8: “I Love Lucy” re- enactments! Jane stands behind a podium acting drunk, re-enacting the “Vitameatavegiman” scene. Casey Kasem shoots his gun, they win. - Casey shouts to the competitors: CASEY KASEM (CONT'D) Round 15: Red Rover! JANE (TO ALEX) This is what I trained for.. Kayla, the pregnant cousin, and her partner yell to Jane. KAYLA Red rover, red rover, send Janey right over. In typical Red Rover, whoever is called over has to break through their linked arms. Jane, certain that she will break through, runs as hard as she can. Kayla and her partner both share a glance as Jane is about to break through, they move their arms up and completely clothesline her. Jane falls to the ground and starts to shake. Alex runs over. ALEX JANE! JANE I failed you. I failed us. The next competition is the three-legged race and I can’t compete. ALEX No don’t say that! We did the best we could. JANE I... I... ALEX Yes, Jane? JANE I crapped myself. Jane’s eyes close. Alex cries as if she has just died. ALEX NOOOO!! 23.

INT. STEAMWORKS PRIVATE STEAMROOM - DAY Dave just finished his punchline, the guys erupt with laughter. DAVE Man, I feel like you guys really get me. Cesar and his friends look at each other and disappear behind the steam. DAVE (CONT'D) I mean, I have guy friends. But they never really listen to me the way you guys do. I feel like when you guys look at me, you’re really wondering “Hey, what’s Dave going to say next?” and you really care. Cesar and his friends start to disrobe while Dave waxes on. DAVE (CONT'D) We should start a basketball team. CESAR I hate to rush this Dave, but I have to go back to work in 20 minutes. DAVE Rush what? Caesar starts to disrobe Dave. DAVE (CONT'D) Ohhh no no no. CESAR Look if you’re not gonna participate, you have to leave. DAVE I thought we were just bros emotionally connecting in a cloud of steam! CESAR’S FRIEND Don’t be so naive, Daveed. - Dave backs out of the steam room and into... 24.

INT. STEAMWORKS - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Where he backs into... Brad. They both scream. BRAD Dr. Suzuki wanted me to give him an adjustment. They sprint out.

INT. VEGESBIAN CAFE - NIGHT Penny, Leslie, Jamie and Jamie sit at a tranquil cafe. JAMIE 1 And I knew she was a fire sign, but I didn’t realize she’d set my apartment on fire. Leslie laughs. Jamie 2 looks jealous. JAMIE 1 (CONT'D) Babe, it was a long time ago. LESLIE What’s your star sign, Penny? PENNY Oh, I don’t care about astrology. My mom used to say, “If you want to be disappointed by hopes and dreams, get into musical theatre.” The Jamies are unenthused. LESLIE So, Penny, I was thinking about something you said at today brunch and I really wanted to process it with you. Is this a safe space? PENNY Can it wait? I’m Starvs McGarvs over here. Penny flips through the menu. PENNY (CONT'D) Where are the burgers? LESLIE They just serve small-batch teas here. 25.

JAMIE 2 And quiche! LESLIE Besides... the meat industry is inherently patriarchal. PENNY Right. Totally. JAMIE 1 So you don’t read Judith Butler- PENNY Is she a real butler? JAMIE 1 You don’t want know anything about Stonewall- PENNY Is that next to Stonehenge? JAMIE 1 And you don’t nor have you ever worn a carabiner? Jamies and Leslie all show off the carabiners holding their keys together. Penny sadly lifts up her keychain -- it’s got a rabbit’s foot, a pink Koosh ball and a personalized PENNY license plate keychain. PENNY So there’s a wrong way to be gay? LESLIE There’s certainly a right way. PENNY Wow. I can’t imagine what this was like for Max in college. JAMIE 2 Who? LESLIE The cub. PENNY Oh my god. I can’t believe I ditched my best friend on his birthday to hang out with people I have nothing in common with. 26.

Penny gets up and starts to leave. Leslie stands up out of her chair. LESLIE Penny, are you saying this is over? PENNY It never began Leslie. My heart belongs to another gay.

EXT. KERKOVICH FAMILY BACKYARD - SUNDOWN Jane is alive, obviously, but cramped out in the corner. Everyone is expecting the three-legged race. CASEY KASEM In lieu of the final round, I’d like to say that it is an honor to be here today. Although I didn’t get paid as much as I thought I would, and I didn’t get my face on a banner as I was promised, it has been a blast. Though I know you are all expecting the three-legged race, there was a sale at CostCo on short ribs.. Alex’s eyes light up. In a dramatic twist.. CASEY KASEM (CONT'D) Final round: The rib eating contest. Alex looks elated, Jane looks defeated, as she is cramping out on the ground. Alex extends her hand to pick up Jane from the ground. JANE Al, I can’t. My trachea has been bludgeoned by Kayla’s pregnant arms. ALEX But Jane, this is the Kerkovich Olympics - You were born for this. JANE And today... You were born for this. Little sis, I need you to take this one. 27.

In a slow-motion MONTAGE, Alex devours the ribs, both her’s and Jane’s portions, before anyone can even dig in. And she even does it with her hands tied behind her back. CASEY KASEM Just to be clear, you could’ve used your hands. But the winners of the 2013 Kerkovich Olympics are ALEX and JANE! Alex’s face is covered in barbeque sauce, she hugs Jane, getting sauce everywhere. Jane looks like she is about to yell but she lets Alex hug her anyways.

INT. ROSALITAS - NIGHT Max sits alone at their Rosalita’s booth. All of a sudden the music changes in the bar and the instrumental track for “Friends Forever” by Zack Attack starts to play. Penny enters, dressed as Kelly Kapowski, and starts to sing. PENNY We met some time ago, when we were so young. Dave enters, dressed as A.C. Slater. DAVE We’ve been through thick and thin. Brad enters, dressed as Screech. BRAD We’ve lost, we’ve tied, we’ve won. BRAD, DAVE, PENNY Friends forever, with you everywhere. Friends forever, always will be friends. They all go on their knees in a big finale, right in front of Max. MAX You know I can’t resist a poorly karaoke’d Zack Attack. And a Black Screech. They all sit down in the booth with Max. 28.

DAVE We’re so sorry for upsetting you Max. PENNY We got so caught up in showing you how much we love your gayness, that we forgot about our favorite gay... BRAD And we all realized that you’re gay enough for us all and we don’t need to try and be. Especially in a public bathhouse that illegally operates under the premise of a gym. PENNY Huh? BRAD AND DAVE Nothing. MAX Well I forgive you guys. Besides, who would you guys be without the Zack of the group? Max pulls out a blonde wig and a giant cellphone from the early 90’s. PENNY Did you have those duct taped to the bottom of the table? MAX I also had jars of Screech’s secret spaghetti sauce but they shattered before you guys got here. Alex and Jane run in. Alex is dressed as Max from the Max and Jane is dressed as Mr. Belding. ALEX Did we miss it?! JANE Dammit! It cost $150 to tailor this Mr. Belding suit.

END OF EPISODE 29.