"ZACK ATTACK" Written by Brittany Ashley "Happy Endings" spec INT. ROSALITAS - DAY BRAD, ALEX, DAVE, PENNY, JANE and MAX sit in their booth at Rosalita’s. Max, surrounded by birthday presents, opens one wrapped in newspaper. Much to his dismay, it’s the same exact shirt that Dave is wearing. MAX Another v-neck... from Dave. DAVE Hey man, you’re welcome. Max opens another gift, covered in a shitload of glitter. MAX Saved by the Bell boxed DVD set! Thank you, Penny! PENNY When we dated in college, I always thought we were like the Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski of the quad. ALEX Aww, you guys! PENNY That is, until you lost your virginity to my RA, Zach Mores... ALEX Ehh... Roof stoof. MAX (remembering) Oh yeah, that dude was a smoke show, had a mouth like--- PENNY (interrupting, Shakespearean-style) Ah yes, a twist of irony that Past Penny wasn’t prepared for. But Present Penny finds quite charming. JANE Well it’s clear that I’d be the Jessi Spano. Top of the class, unstoppable dancer and that brief addiction to caffeine pills. 2. BRAD Caffeine pills, really? JANE I HAD TO PASS MY CALC MIDTERM, you don’t know the type of pressure I was under! I was so... scared. BRAD That makes me Slater, right, Mama? MAX I was thinking more like the Lisa Turtle. Alex, Dave, Penny, Max and Jane all nod. BRAD Why? Because I’m black? Alex, Dave, Penny, Max and Jane all hem and haw. ALEX Because you’re stylish. MAX Because you trademarked “The Sprain”. DAVE Because you say no to dope. PENNY Because you’re the understood fourth member of Hot Sundae. JANE Because we ran into Dustin Diamond at a Cubs game last year and he tried to have a threesome with us. DAVE & MAX Woof. ALEX That is some harsh barley. They all agree. Alex picks up the last gift on the table. ALEX (CONT'D) No, I mean that’s what I got Max for his birthday. Alex proudly hands Max a bag of barley. 3. OPENING CREDITS INT. JANE AND BRAD’S APARTMENT - DAY Jane packs a suitcase. Everything is vacuum-sealed. BRAD Do you really have to go, Boo? JANE I told you, the Annual Kerkovich Olympics is mandatory. And you know if it’s mandatory, I’m there. BRAD Who made it mandatory? JANE I did. Jane adds dumbbell weights and knee pads to her luggage. BRAD But you didn’t go last year. JANE Oh yes I did. I just lied to you. Yeah, I lied it up reaaal good. BRAD I knew a 48-hour library lock-in wasn’t a real thing. Why’d you lie? JANE Because I knew you’d want to come and I just don’t think that-- BRAD You don’t think I’d be a good teammate. JANE I’m sorry, Boobear, I just wouldn’t want my competitive, always-a- winner outlook on life to upset you. Besides, my cousin Skylar, the one who plays football at Notre Dame, is my partner. And we always, and I mean always, shred the competition. Including Great Aunt Catherine the summer of 2003.. May she rest in peace. 4. BRAD I thought your Aunt Catherine passed away from breast cancer? JANE Some say she died that summer... of a broken spirit. INT. MAX’S APARTMENT - DAY Max, Penny and Alex sit on Max’s couch as Dave comes over with a blender full of pink liquid. DAVE And strawberry daq’s to begin the bday celebrashe. Al, I added some of my Creatine powder so you’d have an edge over Jane this weekend. (beat) Yeah, I use Creatine now. PENNY Yeaaaah you kinda talk about it a lot. DAVE Uh, no I don’t. MAX Uh, yeah you do. Yesterday you put Creatine in our chili and said that Penny’s roid rage was “just the Creatine talking.” Penny aggressively grabs Max’s collar. PENNY You got something you wanna say to my face, bitch? Max squeals, but then takes a beat. MAX Actually, kinda into it. PENNY (upbeat) Really? MAX No. Sorry. Still into dudes. 5. ALEX (re: smoothie) Thanks anyway, Dave. But I don’t really care about winning. I got eliminated last year in the first round. That stupid potato sack race, I put it on upside down. PENNY You put it over your head? ALEX I thought it was just a very large blind fold. MAX It’s too bad you and Jane won’t be here, we’re going Drag Brunch tomorrow and Roscoe’s tonight for my birthday. ALEX Bummer. I am a great wingman. Alex takes a sip of the smoothie. DAVE Don’t you just cry until they give you their phone number? MAX Yeah, it’s brilliant, Dave. Alex aggressively grabs Dave’s shirt collar. ALEX You got a problem with that, Slim? DAVE Maybe I’ll cool it on the Creatine. PENNY I can be your wingman tonight, Max. But you should know that by wingman, I don’t mean the conventional definition of just trying to make you sound more appealing. I mean I want to dress up like a Southwest Airlines flight attendant and pretend you’re my dependable, yet sometimes drunk, pilot boss. 6. MAX So just like last time. Got it. EXT. IN LINE AT ROSCOE’S - NIGHT Dave wears his typical Dave outfit - a v-neck and jeans. Brad wears a suit. And Penny and Max are both dressed like it’s gay pride weekend. PENNY What are you feeling tonight for your birthday romance, Max? A grizzly bear? A polar bear? A cub? DAVE I, for one, would love to see a Cub come out of the closet. To proudly say, I pitch and catch. (puts his fist up) Gay rights. MAX Thanks, Dave. But a cub is a hairy, chubby gay dude. BRAD (laughs) What an uncultured fool. DAVE Exsqueeze? BRAD Oh nothing. Hey, Max. Did you watch last night’s episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. That death drop?! Brad does a twirl. MAX Uh, hard no. I was watching the combat juggling championship. It’s pretty wild, they’re skilled jugglers but also beat the shit out of each other. DAVE (to Brad) Are you trying to one-up my love for the gay community? 7. BRAD I mean it’s pretty obvious that when it comes to the gay community, you’re clueless. Like the 1995 film, Clueless, revered by the gay community. MAX Was it? DAVE As if! I’ll have you know, I took a community college course on human sexuality. I too feel like an outsider sometimes. PENNY Please don’t say because you’re 1/16th Navajo- DAVE Especially being 1/16th Navajo. MAX Yes you’re very oppressed. Now can we all just go in there and bombard the DJ with requests to play Moby? I love to bring down a crowd. And nothing brings a crowd down like Moby. BRAD (back to Dave) Gay guys love me. DAVE No, gay guys love me. PENNY Sorry to interject, but yeah gay guys love me most. Proceed. Dave and Brad get progressively more catty. BRAD I’d love to see you try and get any gay man to notice you in that outfit, honey. DAVE V-necks are timeless! BRAD You wear that outfit every day. 8. DAVE I do not. FLASHBACKS to Dave, in fact, wearing the same outfit, just in different colors, everyday: INT. ROSALITAS - DAY Dave comes in with the same v-neck, but in blue, wearing black pants. INT. ROSALITAS - NIGHT Dave comes in with the same v-neck, again, but in red, wearing blue pants. INT. ROSALITAS - DAY Dave comes in with a Cubs jersey on. Pauses. Unbuttons it and reveals a purple v-neck on, while wearing green pants. EXT. ROSCOE’S LINE - NIGHT DAVE (to Brad) At least I can pull off a casual look. It’s cuddly. You look like an attorney for Peter Francis Gerasi. BRAD I would crush you if it came down to who’d get hit on more by guys. DAVE We’ll see about that. They finally get to the front of the line. Brad jumps in front of Dave. Brad lightly slaps Dave in the face. BRAD Brad shall stay. Dave, sashe away. That’s a Drag Race term, you wouldn’t get it. Brad storms off. 9. EXT. KERKOVICH FAMILY FRONT YARD - NIGHT Jane and Alex stand in the front lawn of a suburban home with a giant banner boasting the “2013 Kerkovich Olympics”. JANE You smell that? Jane revels in the smell, like it’s her old high school football field. ALEX The fertilizer? JANE No. The sweet and satisfying smell of competition where family is pitted against family. I feel just like Mel Gibson in “Braveheart”. ALEX And I’ve been feeling just like Mel Gibson in “What Women Want” because I swore I have been reading your mind lately. Jane looks horrified. Alex is reading her mind. ALEX (CONT'D) You shaved the tops of your feet for more aerodynamics? Jane continues to stare straight on. ALEX (CONT'D) You took steroids for this? Jane doesn’t budge. ALEX (CONT'D) You feel responsible for Auntie Catherine’s death? JANE That’s enough. ALEX But we’re on the same page about the fertilizer right? 10. JANE No absolutely, Dad is going to kill someone with the amount that’s in the air right now.