HELL’S BELLS
“Pilot”
Written by
Laurie Wygonik
208 Elbrook Drive
Natrona Heights, PA 15065
Res: (724) 224-2893
Cell: (412) 996-6766 [email protected]
HELL’S BELLS
MAIN CHARACTERS
Stanley “Sonny” Pulaski, Jr.: Very tall, slender, late 20s, thinning blond hair, clean shaven, he graduated from Carnegie Mellon University where he lost most of his Pittsburgh accent. Self-employed as a wedding photographer, he’s afraid to spend money. Businesslike, non-judgmental and politically correct, he never curses, is afraid of offending and lacks self confidence. He has good taste and is very neat and organized. His nemesis is Damian as he sees him as competition.
Sonny’s Devil: Animated character with the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, he is jaded and persuasive. He has squinted eyes, is balding but his horns have hair. He wears a red smoking jacket and dares Sonny to do things that are out of his character. He calls Sonny “Stush”. He succeeds in nudging Sonny to speak up for himself and have more confidence.
Stormy “Stormy C.” Cohen: An early 20s only child, Jewish princess with long, dark hair, she’s a free spirit and is annoyingly positive. Her only job is singing and spends the rest of her time shopping, buying things that need fixed up. She likes Victorian antiques and collects many things that she keeps hidden. Unlike her mom, she is not concerned with appearances and simply adds a hat, scarf or piece of jewelry to cover up a flaw. She is attracted to bad boys because her family wants her to date doctors. Her nemesis is Ruby as she wishes she would just relax.
Stormy’s Devil: Animated character with the impersonated voice of Joan Rivers, she is snarky and vain. She wears a low cut red cocktail dress with a red boa and has horns with red sequins on them. Her mouth barely moves when she talks. She plays with her hair and makeup and dares Stormy to do things that are out of her character. She calls Stormy by her middle name, “Cinderella”. She succeeds in opening Stormy’s eyes to reality.
MAJOR CHARACTERS
Ruby DeAngelis: Owner of “Bells & Whistles”, an agency that plans weddings and events, she’s in her 60s and wears red with angel accessories. She is short and tiny with dark hair pulled into a tight bun. She’s never married and she’s not looking. She has an over-dramatic accent and repeats words at least three times. She is high strung and controlling, leaving nothing at an event to happen organically. She always has a backup plan.
Damian Ross: In his early 30s he’s a fantastic vocalist and in the band with Stormy, acting as the emcee. He has the super power of growing facial hair in a few hours. He flirts with everyone and enjoys free drinks. Since he wants to be a rock star, he has trouble toning down his act at weddings. His expensive wardrobe is kept in garment bags. He spends all his money to keep up his appearance so no one will know he’s broke. He rents a small, dingy studio in Sonny and Stormy’s house.
Lady in Blue Dress: Played by a variety of people, she appears in every episode wearing the same light blue dress with a rhinestone buckle. She has no lines.
Stanley Pulaski, Sr.: Sonny’s dad is a Polish, Catholic and in his early 60s with a beer belly. He was force-retired from his labor job at the steel mill, is negative and easily agitated. He enjoys hunting, fishing and watching the Steelers, Pirates and Penguins on TV. He has a strong Pittsburgh accent and is not politically correct. He’s never owned a home but always has a late model truck to pay for. He plays the lottery every day.
Teresa Pulaski: Sonny’s mom is Polish, Catholic, in her late 50s, short and slightly overweight. She makes pierogies and Polish nut rolls to make extra money. She is very polite and sweet but naive about life outside of her small suburb. She is hospitable and kind and is expecting Sonny to produce Catholic grandchildren for her.
MAJOR CHARACTERS, CONT.
Stella “Baba” Wojciechowski: Sonny’s maternal grandmother is in her late 80s, is Polish and the owner of the house the family lives in. She looks frail but is opinionated and butts into family affairs. She is going senile and says crazy things as well as bits of wisdom. She wears her bed clothes all the time and speaks in broken Pittsburghese.
David Pulaski: In his mid twenties, he’s average height but well built. He’s jealous of Sonny’s success and he’s always blaming bad luck or bad government for his situation. A blonde haired hunk, he seems to have no problem attracting women until they find out he’s unemployed, unmotivated and negative. He has a strong Pittsburgh accent.
Candace “Candy” Cohen: Stormy’s mother is Jewish, in her early 40s, this trophy wife has bleached blonde hair, is always working on her body and face and being vain, spends most of her time trying to keep up her appearance. She has little time for anything in between golfing, doctor’s appointments and exercise classes. She is a snob and wants Stormy to date doctors and lawyers.
Dr. Jacob Cohen: Stormy’s dad is tall and handsome, in his late 50s and very careful about what he eats since he obeys kosher laws and is a cardiologist. He’s always concerned about what people in the community will think, being a high profile local doctor. Since he treats all types of patients, he is polite and non-judgmental.
Dominique Laurent: The Cohen’s French live-in housekeeper is in her late 60s, is plump with gray hair and wears a white uniform. Although a meticulous housekeeper, she has difficulty adapting to cooking healthy and kosher. She is often seen in the background ironing sheets, picking up crumbs or sneaking butter into the food.
MINOR CHARACTERS
Papz Amir: Ruby’s administrative assistant is also responsible for Bells & Whistles’ publicity and promotion. He tries to get free publicity in newspapers and local magazines by embellishing the stories.
Vincent/Veronica: In his late 20s, he owns “Awesome Blossoms” a high priced floral design studio. A drag queen played by one person, Vincent handles the business side and Veronica handles the creative side. The other wedding professionals play along and treat him/them like twin brother and sister.
Rose “Aunt Rose” Cohen: Stormy’s great aunt is an aging hippie that never married. She looks older than she is with long, stringy hair. She rents a small space in Sonny and Stormy’s house where she does psychic and tarot card readings.
Nick Karistopolis: In his 60s, he’s known as the best caterers in Pittsburgh. A jolly Greek, he’s loud and sloppy looking and wears a food stained apron and greasy shoes. He loves to mingle with wedding guests so the other wedding professionals are always trying to get him back in the kitchen and out of view.
Allen Powers: Anal retentive owner of “Flour Powers”, a bakery that makes wedding cakes and cookies. He and his staff can create anything out of cake. He is tense and meticulous and sees imperfections that no one else sees. It makes him crazy when relatives bake and provide cookies for weddings, which is a Pittsburgh tradition.
Laurie Wymer: In her late 20s, she’s Stormy’s friend and a real estate agent. She has a great sense of humor and has great, practical advice on almost everything. She has a crush on Damian and is always trying to get invited to events where the band is playing.
MINOR CHARACTERS. CONT.
Jeffrey: A pretty boy in his early 20s, he is Vincent’s partner. Vincent employs him as an assistant but he’s more of a gopher. He does Vincent’s makeup and helps him transform into Veronica.
Catherine “Cathy” Pyszcynski: Sonny’s older sister, she’s the perfect Catholic housewife and mother. She is quiet and one to always follow the rules.
Joseph “Joe” Pyszcynski, Sr.: Catherine’s husband is a 35 year old, mild mannered head of accounting at the mill. He has nerdy looks, is Polish, Catholic and a good provider.
Joseph “Joey” Pyszcynski, Jr.: No one is sure how such a holy terror could be created by parents who are so quiet and reserved. He’s 8 years old and a Catholic schooled brat.
Mary Beth Pyszcynski: She’s 7 years old, Catholic schooled and very critical. She wears pink girly clothes, and since she takes dance classes, loves to show off her talents.
HELL’S BELLS SETTINGS
Pittsburgh: A city with three rivers that has emerged as one of America’s most livable cities. Some things that make Pittsburgh unique: We have our own language; it’s a melting pot with neighborhoods segregated by nationality; there is no more than one degree of separation between any two people; people do everything to avoid crossing a bridge or going through a tunnel; everyone loves the Pirates, Penguins, Steelers and pierogis.
Sonny and Stormy’s House: A large Victorian “fixer-upper” in a popular business district like Walnut St. in Shadyside. Some rooms are renovated and some are still in ruins. “Rain or Shine Photography” is on the street level and Sonny and Stormy live on the second floor. Sonny’s style is sleek and contemporary with stark black and white while Stormy collects Victorian antiques. Somehow the decorating makes it blend perfectly.
Damian’s Room: A single room in Sonny and Stormy’s house, the walls have peeling paint and there are only a few pieces of old furniture. Boxes are stacked up along with some sound and recording equipment and a keyboard. A metal rack has garment bags that contain his wardrobe.
Pulaski House: The house overlooking the steel mill is owned by Sonny’s grandmother who still lives there. It’s a large home that is tacky and stuck in the 80s. The living room has plaid furniture, a framed puzzle of The Last Supper with palms stuck around the outside, a combination end table/lamp/magazine rack and a spoon collection. The galley style kitchen has a suspended ceiling and fake wood cabinets, Harvest Gold stove and wallpaper with pots and pans. A wall phone with 25’ twisted and stretched cord hangs between the kitchen and living room. The dining room has a large table topped with plastic tablecloth. In the center of the table sits a blue silk flower arrangement that was made from Stanley and Teresa’s wedding bouquet Outside are short hedges that define their property, a statue of Mary, a white tire filled with flowers, and a few yard gnomes.
SETTINGS, CONT.
Sonny’s Room: Sonny’s room on the third floor is very contemporary, organized and mostly black and white. Since he is self-employed as a photographer, he has a computer and some camera and editing equipment. A single Andy Warhol print is the only color.
Cohen House: Located in Fox Chapel it is sleek and contemporary and on a large lot. It’s beautifully decorated with white in a very current, minimalist style, not unlike an operating room. The dining room has a large glass table and eight chairs and it looks like no one has ever eaten in it. The kitchen has silver metal cabinets and mid-century inspired appliances. Dr. Cohen has a study on the main floor and the home is very open and ideal for entertaining. Outside are manicured shrubs and trees and a deck with a balcony with a view of Pittsburgh. Their cat, Eli, has his own small bedroom where he is treated like a prince.
Stormy’s Bedroom: Stormy’s room is very different as she collects colorful Victorian antiques. She collects a lot of different things including ugly Christmas decorations. Some are displayed and others are hidden in closets and drawers. She has ornate furniture that she refinished herself.
Wedding Venues: From posh hotels and country clubs to fire halls, farm houses to mansions, riverfront parks to picnic shelters, each wedding will have a unique Pittsburgh setting. Since Pittsburgh still has ethnic neighborhoods, the churches also reflect the immigrants who built them.
HELL’S BELLS
“Pilot”
ACT 1
(A)
FADE IN:
INT. PULASKI’S HOUSE – SUNDAY AFTERNOON
(Stanley, Stella, David, Sonny, Teresa, Sonny’s Devil)
STANLEY, SONNY AND DAVID ARE WEARING STEELERS’ JERSEYS AND WATCHING THE GAME ON TV. TERESA IS SETTING THE TABLE IN THE DINING ROOM. STELLA IS SITTING IN HER ROCKER NEAR THE DINING ROOM WHERE SHE CAN SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING IN BOTH ROOMS.
STANLEY
(to David) Hey, Why don’t you git
yer brother ‘n me some beers?
STELLA
Me too. Haven’t had one dis week.
DAVID
Can’tcha wait fer a commercial??
STANLEY
Fer get it, I’ll get it. (yells)
Teresa. Bring us um beers will
ya?
SONNY
I can get my own beer.
SONNY STANDS UP AND WALKS TOWARD THE KITCHEN STOPPING IN FRONT OF STELLA.
SONNY
What kind do you want Baba?
Yuengling or IC Lite?
STELLA
IC Lite? That stuff tastes like
pee. Who bought that?
STANLEY
I won twenty on a scratch off and
it was on sale. I’ll drink it.
DEVIL APPEARS ON SONNY’S SHOULDER.
SONNY’S DEVIL
You have money. Why don’t ya let
go of some and get your family
some decent beer?
DAVID
(yells) What’s fer supper Mum?
Smells good?
INT. KITCHEN
STEELERS SCORE. SCREAMS ARE HEARD FROM THE LIVING ROOM. TERESA IS FACING THE STOVE SPOONING PIEROGIES INTO A SERVING BOWL.
TERESA
I’m making pierogies. Mrs.
Klemkowski ordered em from me for
Klem and Jackie’s rehearsal
dinner but they need ‘em made
with margarine. Jackie’s dad’s a
cardiologist ‘n he wants ‘em da
be healthy.
NO ONE IS LISTENING. CHEERING CONTINUES IN THE LIVING ROOM.
TERESA
Klem wanted keilbasi too but the
Stein’s nixed it. Some’em ‘bout it
not bein’ kosher.
INT. LIVING ROOM
STELLA WAVES HER TERRIBLE TOWEL.
STELLA
Go Stillers! Yer missin’ it
Teresa.
TERESA BRINGS FOOD TO THE DINING ROOM.
TERESA
Mrs. Stein ordered nut rolls from
me too. I had to make ‘em without
butter too. You can try some of
the broken ones for dazert.
(beat)
Supper’s ready. Come sit down.
INT. DINING ROOM
STANLEY, SONNY AND DAVID STAND UP AND WALK INTO THE DINING ROOM. SONNY HELPS STELLA. SFX: PHONE RINGS. STANLEY WALKS TO THE PHONE ON THE WALL AND PICKS IT UP.
STANLEY
M . . . Yello.
(beat)
Ya! e’s here. Hold on.
STANLEY PULLS AND UNWINDS THE LONG PHONE CORD AND STRETCHES IT TO SONNY.
SONNY
(under breath) Remind me to put
cordless phones or even CELL
PHONES on the Christmas
list.(puzzled) Hello?
EVERYONE BUT SONNY TAKES THEIR SEATS.
SONNY
Hi Len. What can I do for you?
DEVIL APPEARS ON SONNY’S SHOULDER.
SONNY’S DEVIL
Emergency situation? Stush, it’s
a chance to make enough money to
buy that aerial camera you want.
That’s AFTER you buy some of
those MODERN cordless phones.
SONNY
OK, I’ll give this Ruby a call
and see if I can calm everyone
down.
SONNY STUFFS A PIEROGI IN HIS MOUTH WHILE HE’S STILL ON THE PHONE. HE MAKES A FACE, POINTS TO IT AND SHAKES HIS HEAD “NO”. SONNY HANGS UP PHONE.
STELLA
The offense is good this year,
but that defense hasn’t been the
same since Lambert left.
SONNY’S DEVIL
Does she know what year it is?
SONNY
I guess I’ll be seeing the
wedding through my viewfinder. I
need to fill in for Len.
(beat)
Seems like there are more
problems than how much
cholesterol is in the food.
Sounds like a wedding from he...
(beat)
But I’ll finally get to meet
Jackie.
SONNY’S DEVIL
Met one princess you’ve met ‘em
all.
WIPE TO:
INT. THE COHEN’’S LIVING ROOM – SUNDAY AFTERNOON
(Stormy, Stormy’s Devil, Dr. Jacob Cohen, Candy, Dominique)
THE STEELER GAME IS ON IN THE FAMILY ROOM. STORMY IS IN A LEATHER RECLINER WATCHING THE GAME AND SEWING BEADS ONTO A BLACK DRESS. CANDY AND DOMINIQUE ARE IN THE KITCHEN PREPARING DINNER. JACOB IS IN HIS STUDY. THE GAME IS ON HIS OWN TV WHILE HE’S ON THE COMPUTER.
FXS: STORMY’S CELL PHONE RINGS.
STORMY
(not thrilled to see who it is)
Hey Jackie. What’s up?
DEVIL APPEARS ON STORMY’S SHOULDER.
STORMY’S DEVIL
That bitch again? Why doesn’t
she call her wedding coordinator
to whine? Oh no. Let me guess.
She wants more 80s music.
STORMY
What’s the problem with the
photographer?
INT. JACOB’S STUDY
JACOB
(yells toward kitchen) What’s for
dinner? It smells wonderful. I
hope that’s not butter I smell.
INT. KITCHEN
DOMINIQUE
We’re broiling lobster and that
is the wonderful aroma of butter.
CANDY
We’ll melt some margarine for you
honey. Don’t worry.
INT. FAMILY ROOM
STORMY
(yells) Don’t set a place for me
Mom. I have to meet with Jackie.
STORMY’S DEVIL
How about “Material Girl”? Or
“Like a Virgin”.
CANDY
I hope she’s not making more
changes to the music? When I was
in the band we wouldn’t allow any
changes a month before.
(beat)
At least at this wedding there
should be some very eligible men
(beat)
that are doctors.
CANDY WALKS OVER TOWARD STORMY AND LIFTS UP THE DRESS SHE’S WORKING ON, HOLDS IT UP AND INSPECTS IT.
CANDY
And wearing lingerie to perform
sends a message to the wrong kind
of guys.
STORMY
Why is it so important that I
marry a doctor? There are lots of
happy people in the world that
are not married to doctors.
STORMY’S DEVIL
To support your shopping habit.
STORMY
Besides a few tweaks to the music, Jackie’s freaking out because her photographer is sending a substitute. She needs someone to tell her everything will be fine.
STORMY’S DEVIL
Anyone can take a picture. Why not just download everyone’s cell phone pics before they leave the reception?
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. THE STEIN’S LIVING ROOM – SATURDAY AT NOON
(Dr. Stein, Mrs. Stein, Ruby, Sonny, Sonny’s Devil, Jackie, Veronica, Jeffrey, Four Bridesmaids, Samantha the maid of honor)
MRS. STEIN IS DRESSED IN A SEXY, LOW CUT GOWN. RUBY IS WEARING A FLOWING RED DRESS WITH A HUGE CRYSTAL ANGEL PIN ON HER CHEST, TALKING TO MRS. STEIN. SONNY’S AT FRONT DOOR.
FXS: DOORBELL RINGS. RUBY OPENS THE DOOR. SONNY STEPS IN.
SONNY
Hi. I’m Stanley, Sonny, Pulaski,
the photographer.
SONNY LOOKS AROUND. DEVIL APPEARS ON SONNY’S SHOULDER.
SONNY’S DEVIL
Nice place. Freshly decorated in
1990. But what the hell? It’s
better than your house, freshly
decorated in 1976.
RUBY REACHES TO SHAKE SONNY’S HAND.
RUBY
Hello, hello, hello. I’m Ruby
DeAngelis, Jackie’s wedding
coordinator and owner of “Bells &
Whistles”. Thank you for filling
in for Len Sabroka.
(beat)
Miss Jackie should be ready any
minute. The Stein’s have
requested photos of their Jackie
descending the staircase.
SONNY GETS OUT SOME CAMERA EQUIPMENT. JACKIE APPEARS AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRCASE IN A POOFY PRINCESS DI GOWN.
JACKIE’S HAVING TROUBLE WALKING ON THE TEAL PLUSH CARPETING IN HIGH HEELS WITH A LONG TRAIN.
DEVIL APPEARS ON SONNY’S SHOULDER.
SONNY’S DEVIL
Damn! It looks like the ghost of
Princess Di. Is that her mom’s
gown?
JACKIE
(whining) I can’t walk on this
stupid rug in these stupid shoes
and stupid dress. (screams) Mom,
why did I let you talk me into
wearing your old dress?
(beat)
I mean, I wanted an eighties
theme as much as you, but really.
MRS. STEIN
We’ve gone over this before.
It’s a classic style and it was
very expensive. It’s almost like
Princess Di’s.
SONNY’S DEVIL
Do I know fashion or what?
RUBY
No, no no Jackie. Go put on a
pair of flats to descend the
stairs. The dress should cover
your feet in the photos.
JACKIE
Great idea Ruby. That’s why
you’re the queen.
JACKIE REACHES DOWN TO TAKE OFF HER SHOES AND TUMBLES DOWN THE STEPS. SONNY IS QUICK TO SNAP SOME PICTURES. JACKIE LAYS FLAT FOR A FEW SECONDS THEN LIFTS HER HEAD LOOKING DAZED AND CONFUSED.
REALIZING SHE’S NOT HURT SHE SLOWLY STANDS UP AND BRUSHES HERSELF OFF. SONNY QUICKLY SNAPS SOME PICTURES.
JACKIE
(yelling at Sonny) I can’t
believe you took pictures of me
falling down the steps.
SONNY’S DEVIL
Looks like the poof padded her
fall.
JACKIE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES A BRIGHT RED LIPSTICK SMEAR ON THE FRONT OF HER GOWN RIGHT NEAR THE CROTCH.
JACKIE
(screams) Mom, Ruby! Help!
RUBY COMES RUNNING OVER TO JACKIE AND PULLS OUT A LACY HANDERKERCHIEF. SHE DIPS IT INTO A VASE OF FRESH ROSES SITTING ON A TABLE IN THE FOYER. SHE RUBS THE LIPSTICK, SMEARING IT EVERYWHERE.
SONNY’S DEVIL
Red is a neutral where I’m from.
MRS. STEIN
Oh Princess I don’t know what
we’ll do.
JACKIE
(snips at Sonny) Don’t forget to
take a picture?
SONNY SNAPS ANOTHER PICTURE OF JACKIE AND MRS. STEIN WITH HORRIFIED LOOKS ON THEIR FACES AND LOOKING AT THE RED STAIN.
SFX: DOORBELL RINGS. RUBY ANSWERS THE DOOR. THE FLORISTS ARRIVE. VERONICA BARGES IN WITH A DRAMATIC STYLE, JEFFREY RIGHT BEHIND.
JEFFREY SETS DOWN A BIG BOX. FIVE BRIDESMAIDS ARRIVE RIGHT BEHIND THEM, FOUR DRESSED IN PINK GOWNS AND ONE IN HOT PINK WITH HATS THAT LOOK LIKE LITTLE TOILET SEATS.
VERONICA
(dramatically) Greetings!
Awesome Blossoms has arrived to
add beauty, and a lovely
fragrance to the air.
VERONICA REACHES DOWN INTO THE BIG BOX AND PULLS OUT A NOSEGAY OF PINK ROSES AND HANDS THEM TO ONE OF THE BRIDESMAIDS.
VERONICA
These must be yours.
VERONICA PULLS OUT EACH BOUQUET AND HANDS IT TO A BRIDESMAID. SHE PULLS OUT A BOUQUET OF HOT PINK ROSES AND TURNS UP HER NOSE.
SONNY’S DEVIL
I think Veronica’s a dude.
Straighten up your act if you
don’t want hit on.
VERONICA
Oh look, hot pink roses. These
must be yours.
VERONICA HANDS THE BOUQUET TO THE MAID OF HONOR AND THEN GRABS THE LAST BOUQUET OF WHITE ROSES.
VERONICA
And last but not least (sings)
Dum Dum De Dum, white roses for
the lovely bride Miss Jackie.
VERONICA LOOKS BELOW THE FLOWERS AND SEES THE RED STAIN.
VERONICA
Oh no! What shall we do about
this? Jeffrey, go out to our van
and retrieve a fern, or a leaf,
and some ribbon or something.
I’ll fix this.
JEFFREY RETURNS WITH A GIANT FERN AND AN ASSORTMENT OF THINGS AND ROLLS HIS EYES. HE CAN’T BELIEVE THAT VERONICA IS ADDING A FERN TO THE PERFECT ROSE BOUQUET.
JEFFREY
Here is a fern sir. (shakes
head) I mean Madam.
VERONICA GIVES A HUFF AND STICKS A FERN INTO JACKIE’S BOUQUET.
VERONICA
Excellent! What do you think,
Jeffrey?
SONNY’S DEVIL
Red stain on her crotch. Maybe
you could request Madonna’s “Like
a Virgin” at the reception.
VERONICA
What do you think, Jeffrey?
JEFFREY
Quite the genius my lady.
RUBY
(looks at watch) Hurry, hurry,
hurry. We need to get moving on
these photos. We leave for the
service in fifteen minutes.
SONNY SETS UP A GROUP PHOTO. THE RED STAIN IS STILL SEEN BEHIND THE FERN. UPON INSPECTION RUBY REALIZES THAT JACKIE CAN’T HOLD HER FLOWERS ALL DAY.
RUBY
Dr. Stein, would you happen to
have a white handkerchief?
DR. STEIN
Yes, of course. (reaching into
jacket pocket) This was my
grand’s handkerchief. I always
use it on special occasions.
RUBY
Jackie certainly can’t hold her
flowers all day.
RUBY PINS THE HANDKERCHIEF OVER THE STAIN.
RUBY
No, no, no, that looks
ridiculous. And it’s stained.
(beat)
Mrs. Stein, would you happen to
have a lacy handkerchief or a
doily?
MRS. STEIN
I’ll see what I can find.
MRS. STEIN WALKS OFF INTO THE DINING ROOM AND RETURNS WITH A LIGHT BLUE DOILY.
MRS. STEIN
Look! I found this doily on the
back of the toilet in the powder
room.
DEVIL APPEARS ON SONNY’S SHOULDER.
SONNY’S DEVIL
(singing) Everything’s coming up
roses. And now we have something
blue oo, that doesn’t smell like
roses.
JACKIE
(horrified) Oh my God, it’s from
the bathroom? It probably has
pee on it. (whining) Pa-leez
Ruby. Don’t do it.
RUBY
Relax, relax, relax my dear.
I’ll make it work.
RUBY CAREFULLY AND ARTFULLY PINS THE BLUE DOILY OVER THE STAIN.
RUBY
Everyone will think it’s
something special because it’s
blue. (teacher’s voice) In order
to pull something off, you simply
have to want to pull it off.
Now, now, now, stand up straight
and own it.
(beat)
OK, OK, OK, Dr. and Mrs. Stein,
let’s get a picture over here.
RUBY LINES UP A SHOT. SONNY SNAPS PHOTOS.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. HOTEL SET UP FOR WEDDING CEREMONY – 3:00PM
(Jackie, Bridesmaids, Maid of Honor Samantha,Sonny’s Devil,Sonny, Ruby, Grandma Stein, Dr. and Mrs. Stein, Mr. and Mrs. Klemkowski, Groomsmen and Wedding Guests, Damian Ross, Stormy Cohen, Candy)
JACKIE, HER BRIDESMAIDS AND RUBY ARE IN THE BACK OF THE HOTEL. JACKIE IS FUSSING WITH HER FLOWERS TO HIDE HER STAIN. RUBY IS ATTENDING TO HER. SONNY IS SETTING UP SOME PICTURES. THE USHERS ARE SEATING PEOPLE. THE BRIDESMAIDS REALIZE IN THE HOTEL LIGHTING THAT THEIR DYED SHOES DON’T MATCH THEIR DRESSES.
BRIDESMAID 1
(sotto) Jackie, look at my shoes.
They look peach in here.
SAMANTHA
Mine are almost purple. What the f..
BRIDESMAID 2
And mine are too bright, like
almost neon. They are almost as
dark as Samantha’s.
DEVIL APPEARS ON SONNY’S SHOULDER.
SONNY’ DEVIL
Do Jackie’s white shoes match or
should we smear some red lipstick
on them?
JACKIE’S GRANDMA, DRESSED IN THE “BLUE DRESS” GRABS JACKIE, HUGS HER AND GIVES HER A KISS ON THE CHEEK. SHE LEAVES RED LIPSTICK ON HER CHEEK.
SONNY’S DEVIL
(slowly) Well at least her face
matches her dress now. Red is
the new white you know.
JACKIE
Grandma Stein! (sarcastic) You
look beautiful. Isn’t that the
dress you wore for Uncle
Abraham’s wedding?
GRANDMA STEIN
Why yes it is. I had it
shortened to make it more
versatile. No sense buying a new
dress for every occasion.
SONNY
Jackie, let me get a picture of
you with your grandmother.
SONNY’S DEVIL
It’s also the same dress she wore
for her son’s wedding in 1976.
Add some red and white and we’re
ready to celebrate the
Bicentennial. (Sings) Yankee
Doodle went to town.
SONNY TAKES A PICTURE OF JACKIE AND HER GRANDMA. MR. AND MRS. KLEMKOWSKI ARE WALKING TOWARD THEIR SEATS. MRS. KLEMKOWSKI ENTERS HER ROW OF SEATS, STOPS AND BENDS AT THE KNEES AND MAKES THE SIGN OF THE CROSS.
MR. KLEMKOWSKI
What’er ya doin’ ya idiot? You
can’t do that where there ain’t
no cross. This is a Jewish mass.
MRS. KLEMKOWSKI
I’m not an idiot. Can we just
get through this wedding?
MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY. DAMIAN AND STORMY STAND UP.
DAMIAN HAS HIS HAIR SLICKED BACK AND WEARING A PERFECTLY TAILORED BLACK SUIT. STORMY IS WEARING A TINY BLACK DRESS AND WHITE SHAWL.
MRS. KLEMKOWSKI SCOOTS DOWN A COUPLE SEATS SO SHE IS NOT CLOSE TO HER HUSBAND. SONNY IS STANDING BY JACKIE AND LOOKS UP TOWARD THE FRONT AND SEES STORMY.
DEVIL APPEARS ON SONNY’S SHOULDER.
SONNY’S DEVIL
That’s the most beautiful human
being I’ve ever seen.
SONNY
(breathless to Jackie) That’s
the most beautiful woman I’ve
ever seen. Who is that?
SONNY’S DEVIL
I was talking about him. I
better be careful. People will
say I’m goin’ to Hell.
JACKIE
(sotto) Our parents are friends.
Her name is Stormy Cohen. She
goes by “Stormy C.” She and
Damian are singing at the
reception too. Do you want me to
introduce you? She’s single.
SONNY
They aren’t a couple? (jealous)
Look at how he’s looking at her.
SONNY TAKES SEVERAL PICTURES, TRYING TO GET JUST STORMY.
JACKIE
(rolls eyes) Oh hell no. He
could never support her.
SONNY LOOKS DAZED BUT NODS HIS HEAD, THEN TAKES A FEW MORE PICTURES.
SONNY’S DEVIL
You can edit him out of there
later, after you make some prints
for me.
DAMIAN AND STORMY SING THEIR DUET, “WE BELONG”. SONNY IS FROZEN, MEZMERIZED BY STORMY.
Many times I've tried to tell you Many times I've cried alone Always I'm surprised how well you Cut my feelings to the bone
CANDY IS SEEN MOUTHING THE WORDS TO THE SONG RIGHT ALONG WITH STORMY.
Don't wanna leave you really I've invested too much time To give you up that easy To the doubts that complicate your mind
We belong to the light We belong to the thunder We belong to the sound of the words We've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace For worse or for better We belong, we belong We belong together
Maybe it's a sign of weakness When I don't know what to say Maybe I just wouldn't know What to do with my strength anyway
Have we become a habit? Do we distort the facts? Now, there's no looking forward Now, there's no turning back When you say
We belong to the light We belong to the thunder We belong to the sound of the words We've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace For worse or for better We belong, we belong We belong together
Close your eyes and try to sleep now Close your eyes and try to dream Clear your mind and do your best To try and wash the palette clean
We can't begin to know it How much we really care I hear your voice inside me I see your face everywhere Still you say
We belong to the light We belong to the thunder We belong to the sound of the words We've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace For worse or for better We belong, we belong We belong together
We belong to the light We belong to the thunder We belong to the sound of the words We've both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace For worse or for better We belong, we belong We belong together
We belong to the light We belong to the thunder
END OF ACT 3
ACT 4
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM SET FOR RECEPTION – LATE AFTERNOON
(Almost Entire Cast)
THE BRIDE’S GUESTS, ALL DRESSED TO THE NINES AND LOOKING SNOBBY ARE ON ONE SIDE OF THE HALL AND THE GROOM’S GUESTS ARE ALL ON THE OTHER SIDE IN THEIR SUNDAY BEST, WHICH IS LIKE CASUAL FRIDAY AT ANY OFFICE.
DAMIAN IS SINGING “FEELIN’ GOOD”.
SONNY ARRIVES THROUGH A BACK DOOR BEHIND THE STAGE. RIGHT BEFORE SONNY’S EYES STORMY IS REMOVING HER WHITE SHAWL, REVEALING A REALLY TINY BLACK DRESS THAT LOOKS MORE LIKE LINGERIE. HE STOPS AND STARES.
DEVIL APPEARS ON SONNY’S SHOULDER.
SONNY’S DEVIL
(loud over music) Oh my! You
still saving yourself for
marriage? I bet you don’t make
it through the night. She is
smoking hot. And I know hot.
NICK IS TALKING TO MRS. KLEMKOWSKI BY THE KITCHEN. RUBY IS LOOKING OVER THE COOKIE TABLE NEARBY.
NICK
(loud and chuckling) Don’t worry.
Ruby told me about all the
dietary issues. Usually people
request that I hold the sauce.
But I have plenty set aside for
you with extra cheese.
MRS. KLEMKOWSKI
(backing up due to his odor)
Thank you.
RUBY
Nick, you are needed in the
kitchen.
SAMANTHA, THE MAID OF HONOR, SEES SONNY GAWKING AT STORMY.
SAMANTHA
What are you lookin’ at?
SONNY
(sighs) My future wife.
SAMANTHA
(sarcastic) Why don’t you take a picture?
SONNY’S DEVIL
Or a hundred.
(beat)
And I like the looks of that Damian. Oh yes, I’m going to Hell.
IGNORING THE SARCASM SONNY PICKS UP HIS CAMERA, POINTS AND TAKES A PICTURE OF STORMY.
SAMANTHA STOMPS OFF TOWARD THE HEAD TABLE AND SONNY SNEAKS OFF WITHOUT STORMY NOTICING HIM. STORMY AND DAMIAN ARE STANDING JUST OFF STAGE. DAMIAN’S HAIR IS DOWN OVER HIS FOREHEAD, HE NOW HAS FACIAL HAIR AND LOOKS LIKE A ROCK STAR. THE BAND IS PLAYING DINNER MUSIC.
SONNY’S DEVIL
(looking at Damian) He was clean
shaven just a few hours ago. Hey
Stush, did you have to shave
today?
SONNY LOOKS AT DAMIAN AND FEELS HIS CHIN.
DAMIAN
(to Stormy) Since you’re friends
of the bride do we get free food
and booze tonight?
STORMY
Yes. It’s full open bar but
Jackie said I was to keep an eye
on you. Last thing we need is a
drunk emcee. We’re all too
familiar with you minus a filter.
DAMIAN
(shakes head) Another wedding. As soon as I save up some bucks, I’m head’n to LA to record. I have some awesome songs I’m working on.
STORMY
Go ‘head n dream, but right now
we have this wedding to do. I
have dreams of being on Broadway,
but you don’t hear me bitchin’.
DAMIAN
Easy for you to say. You still
live at home. By the way (points
to Stormy’s dress), is that a
dress or lingerie? Pretty skimpy
for a wedding isn’t it?
STORMY
It is lingerie. I got it an
antique store. It gets hot up
here under the lights, especially
when I start dancing.
DAMIAN STRUTS OVER TO THE MICROPHONE.
DAMIAN
Good evening and welcome to the
celebration of Christian and
Jackie Klemkowski’s wedding.
BRIDE’S GUESTS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND MOUTH “CHRISTIAN?”
DAMIAN
Please be seated as Stormy C. and
the band play tonight’s theme
song.
(beat)
The servers will be pouring
champagne for the toast. Now,
everything’s comin’ up roses.
STORMY BEGINS TO SING “EVERYTHING’S COMING UP ROSES” IN A BROADWAY STYLE. SONNY IS SEATED WITH HIS FAMILY, HIS SISTER CATHERINE PYSZCYNSKI, HER HUSBAND JOSEPH AND DAUGHTER MARY. THEIR SON JOEY IS RUNNING AROUND THE TABLE.
DEVIL APPEARS ON SONNY’S SHOULDER.
SONNY’S DEVIL
(sarcastic) Hey Stush, this is a
great time to get her attention,
hangin’ with this crew.
TERESA
(tries to get Joey to stay still)
You look so handsome and grown up
tonight in your new suit.
DEVIL APPEARS ON STORMY’S SHOULDER AND LOOKS OUT AT THE GUESTS.
STORMY’S DEVIL
I haven’t so much segregation
since the sixties. Good thing
they have alcohol here. That
should bring them together.
SONNY TAKES MORE PICTURES OF STORMY. DAMIAN BEGINS TO SING SOFTER DINNER MUSIC.
STORMY STEPS OFF THE STAGE. SONNY WALKS QUICKLY TOWARD THE SIDE OF THE STAGE AND STEPS RIGHT IN FRONT OF STORMY.
SONNY
Hi. My name is Stanley Pulaski.
Well, my family calls me Sonny.
I’m filling in for Len Sabroka
today.
STORMY
I’ve never seen you before. Are
you from around here?
SONNY
Up the Allegheny about twenty
miles.
(beat)
I’m a freelance photographer.
Len is a family friend. He
helped me pick out my first
camera.
STORMY
(smiling and interested) Well
it’s nice to meet you Sonny.
Hope we run into each other again
(beat)
soon.
STORMY’S DEVIL
Now that’s the type of man you
should be spreading those skinny
legs for. And soon, before
someone else scoops him up.
ARRIVING A LITTLE LATE ARE THREE OF KLEM’S FRIENDS FROM THE FOOTBALL TEAM ALL DRESSED IN NAVY SUITS WITH PITT TIES. ONE IS CARRYING A GIFT WRAPPED IRONING BOARD. KLEM JUMPS UP FROM THE HEAD TABLE TO GREET THEM.
STORMY’S DEVIL
Now that’s the type of clueless
men you should not be spreading
those skinny legs for. Do they
think Jackie is gonna iron?
SPOONS HITTING GLASSES SIGNAL IT’S TIME FOR THE TOAST.
END OF ACT FOUR
ACT FIVE
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM – 9:30PM
THE BAND IS PLAYING THE LAST FEW BARS OF “HEAD OVER HEELS” BY THE GOGOS.
STORMY
That was “Head Over Heels” (winks
at Dr. Stein) Something about an
incident this afternoon.
(beat)
Ready for some funky music.
DAMIAN STARTS TO SING “PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC” AND DANCING REALLY CRAZY.
STORMY LEAVES THE STAGE FOR A BREAK. SONNY RUNS TO THE BACKSTAGE AREA HOPING TO TALK TO STORMY.
DEVIL APPEARS ON SONNY’S SHOULDER.
SONNY’S DEVIL
OK Stush, don’t blow it. Get
your ass over to her.
SONNY
(breathing heavy) I could listen
to that voice forever. It’s like
an angel.
SONNY’S DEVIL
(sarcastic) Very smooth Stush.
There are a thousand things you
could compliment her on besides
her voice of an angel.
STORMY
(smiling) Are you stalking me?
That camera seems to be pointing
in my direction all the time.
SONNY
Well, I can’t take my eyes, I
mean eye, off of you. (attempts
small talk) So you know Jackie?
DEVIL APPEARS ON STORMY’S SHOULDER.
STORMY’S DEVIL
It’s a trap. Distance yourself
from that bitch. And turn on
some charm Cinderella.
STORMY
We grew up together. We’re
really not friends though. Our
dads are both cardiologists in
the same practice. My parents
are here. (points) They’re
talking to the Klemkowskis.
STORMY’S DEVIL
Must have a few drinks in them.
SONNY
Well, that’s funny. I grew up
with Christian. They’re our
neighbors. My whole family is
here too. (points) See, over
there? Next to the cookie table.
My Mom made some nut rolls.
SONNY’S DEVIL
(mocking) OH . . . MY . . . GOD
I’m your Prince Charming. I live
in a castle overlooking the steel
mill. At night the sky has a
lovely orange glow. Way to try
and impress a princess.
(beat)
But hey, your Mom bakes butter
laden cookies. So she won’t
starve, unless she’s a Vegan.
SONNY
This wedding is sort of odd isn’t it? Jews on one side, Catholics on the other, and an aisle down the middle as wide as the Grand
Canyon. (shakes head) These families have nothing in common.
STORMY
(laughs) They just need to get a
few drinks in them.
STORMY
Nothing like a huge mixed wedding to enhance those differences.
Jackie said they had so many fights.
SONNY
Why put everyone through this?
STORMY
Her parents wanted the big show.
Jackie is their baby and kind of spoiled.
SONNY
I could sense that. (chuckles)
Did you see the stain right on the front of her gown from when she tumbled down the steps?
STORMY
No. I heard she went head over heels but I didn’t know about the stain. Is that why that blue thing is pinned to her gown?
STORMY SIGHS WITH A DREAMY LOOK ON HER FACE AS SHE STOPS TO PONDER.
STORMY
As much as I love weddings, as
soon as I meet my Prince Charming
I’m eloping.
SONNY
(eyes light up) OK, let’s do it.
STORMY
(confused) Do what?
SONNY
Elope. Give me your address and
I’ll be there with a ladder later
tonight.
STORMY
(plays along) But we haven’t even
been on a date yet.
SONNY
(thinks) Come on. This is our
first date. I’ll buy you a
drink.
STORMY
(flirty laugh) Ooooooh, a free
wedding drink. You’re gonna
spoil me.
SONNY LEADS STORMY UP TO THE BAR AND ORDERS TWO DRINKS WITH EXTRA ALCOHOL. HE GRABS THEM OFF THE BAR.
DEVIL APPEARS ON SONNY’S SHOULDER.
SONNY’S DEVIL
Should’ve made ‘em triples if ya
wanna get in her pants tonight.
She’s wearing little black lacey
ones.
SONNY
Come on. Let’s go outside for
some fresh air.
DAMIAN FINISHES HIS SONG AND LOOKS TOWARD STORMY AT THE BAR. STORMY REALIZES THE SONG IS OVER AND MOTIONS FOR DAMIAN TO CONTINUE.
DAMIAN
OK everyone. Stay on the dance
floor. Make a one eighty degree
turn and your new partner is the
person facing you.
DAMIAN
Here is one everyone knows.
THE BAND BEGINS PLAYING THE PENNSYLVANIA POLKA AND DAMIAN SINGS THE STEELERS’ WORDS.
WIPE TO:
EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE BACK DOOR – DARK
SONNY AND STORMY WALK OUTSIDE. SONNY DIRECTS STORMY AROUND A CORNER. HE SETS THE DRINKS DOWN AND REACHES FOR STORMY’S CHIN AND TILTS IT UP TOWARD HIS.
KISSING . . . MAKING OUT . . . HANDS ROAMING
SONNY
(in between kissing) Let’s run away and get married tonight.
(beat)
Before I br
STORMY
(breathless) Sure, Prince
Charming.
END OF ACT FIVE
ACT SIX
(F)
FADE IN:
INT. TINY MOTEL ROOM – LATE THE NEXT MORNING
(Sonny’s Devil, Stormy’s Devil, Sonny, Stormy)
SONNY AND STORMY ARE IN BED. SONNY OPENS HIS EYES AND LOOKS UNDER THE SHEETS.
BOTH DEVILS ARE ON THE HEADBOARD SMOKING CIGARETTES.
SONNY’S DEVIL
I was gonna say time to get up,
but I see you already are. And
still half dressed? But damn
that was hot.
SONNY
I guess I’m not dreaming?
STORMY
Nope. It was love at first sight
at Jackie and Klem’s wedding. So
we eloped.
STORMY’S DEVIL
I should have something to say here.
SONNY
(shakes head)I just thought for my first time that I‘d be naked.
STORMY
(shocked) Your first time?
STORMY’S DEVIL
(sings) Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time.
SONNY
I made a promise to save myself for marriage. That’s why I had to marry you right away.
(beat)
It was awfully close.
STORMY
(smiling) Well, you have great
instincts because you seemed to
know exactly what you were doing.
STORMY GIGGLES AND REMOVES SONNY’S SHIRT AND DIVES ON HIM, KISSING AND GRABBING.
SONNY’S DEVIL
See what you missed all these
years?
(beat)
And it’s not like you didn’t have
opportunities. Like when your
parents went away for their
anniversary and David threw a
party and invited girls. He was
getting’ some.
(beat)
And junior high. Remember Mary Jo
Josefoski’s birthday party? Do
ya really think they turned off
the lights to tell ghost stories?
STORMY’S DEVIL
(sings) Like a vir ir ir ir gin.
Ha! Who’s a virgin any more?
STORMY
I guess we have a lot to learn
about each other.
(beat)
So tell me about yourself while I
explore and discover every inch
of you.
STORMY AND SONNY GIGGLE AND COO. THEY WHISPER THINGS ABOUT THEMSELVES WHILE MADONNA SINGS “LIKE A VIRGIN” OVER THE CLOSING CREDITS.
SONNY
My name is Stanley Joseph
Pulaski, Jr. I’m 26
(beat)
years old
(beat) and up to a few hours ago,
(beat) was a virgin. I graduated from
Carnegie
STORMY
(interrupts) My name is Stormy
Cinderella Cohen...
THE END