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Home , David Bowie, Death of David Bowie, Word on a Wing

I Can’t Explain , Or can I? By Brian Nickens

As early as 10 years old I was listening to a steady diet of British Rock. , Kinks, Rolling Stones and Cream were in full swing. I was the youngest of 5 children and retreating into my bedroom alone listening to my older brothers albums became my sanctuary. And boy, could I listen! I remember lying on my bedroom floor late at night with the record player turned down real low so my parents couldn’t hear. With my ear right against the speaker, I would analyze every tone, sound and lyric of all songs. By the time I was 14 years old I was already a legit Beatles connoisseur. I would listen to the guitar riffs on Taxman over and over, and over again. I loved the raunchy distorted guitar sounds. Then came Bowie!

David and I: The year was 1973. I was 14 years old and went with a friend of mine to visit Marianna his “girlfriend”. When we arrived we were invited into the living room where she and a friend of hers had two albums of David Bowie. They insisted we hang out and listen. The albums were and . I was smitten by the sound of these records. I had never heard anything like it. Bowie's otherworldly look made the sounds even more intriguing.

David Bowie instantly became my favorite singer. I didn’t have to think about it, or ponder it or even get used to the sound. I went home that day with one thing in mind. I had to buy those Bowie albums as soon as possible. I soon discovered he had released another album called The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust And . Oh. My. Gosh! Those three records have enough musical genius in them to launch 100 new genres of rock and . And as history proves, they did, and continue to do so.

I don’t recall at that time being concerned or offended that he was gay. When I looked at the album and listened to the music the only thing I saw and heard was a one-of-a-kind rock star with records that had their own sound and style. It was nothing like the Beatles or the Stones or anyone else. David Bowie had created his own unique style and sound and I loved it.

David’s Death: All over the world Bowie fans mourned David’s death on , 2016. He passed from a very secret battle with cancer. I was shocked at the news. Back in 2014 I started collecting vinyl records again and I had already acquired almost every Bowie album by the end of 2015. Once again I had found myself enjoying the unique sounds, textures, rhythms and lyrics of each album. And no two albums sound alike. The morning after David Bowie died I opened my Facebook Page and the very first post I saw was by Chris Lizotte saying R.I.P. with a picture of Bowie. I fought back the tears as I readied myself for work. I knew I was going to have an emotionally rough day. I truly loved the artistry and genius of this man.

I watched all day as media outlets and journalists around the world broadcast the news of Bowie’s death highlighting the early part of his career when he was a cross-dressing bisexual. Bowie eventually ditched the gender-neutral image and became happily and successfully married to supermodel for 24 years. Even still his history of was front and center in many and most of the news reports.

Why Am I Writing This? How is it that I can be such an avid fan of a man whose legacy includes one of ’s first openly gay men? And be especially drawn to the music from his bisexual era? I am a born again Christian and was raised with Christian beliefs and understand homosexuality is sin. Yet I have great admiration for David Bowie and his music. I feel that this personal reflection is worth sharing. Understand that I have reconciled this issue in my heart many years ago. Today David’s death and the worldwide publicity of it serve as motivation for me to finally articulate this for myself and anyone else who is interested.

Here is my reckoning: I loved David not only for his music, but also the person I could see behind all the glitz and glam. Even though in the early days his alter ego rock were either gender ambiguous or hyper feminine, to my knowledge his music never campaigned for these causes nor does it contain any sneaky underhanded attempts at gay or any other kind of indoctrination. I’m not saying the gay front was only a gimmick. I think it was an amplified version of how he felt. Having said that, As far as I can tell David’s music never tried to invade my faith, my values or my politics. Yes, there are some sexually and spiritually dark references embedded randomly throughout his music, but not in a glorifying or indoctrinating way. Most of these are wrapped in a baser form of subtle confession. In the midst of all the perceived ambiguity and there was a real and considerate open display with the poetry of an honest internal struggle. But I never detected an agenda beyond great music. David Bowie truly attempted to release his art and music with a consideration for the diversity of his audience. This made him a true showman. I understand that there may have been and probably were demonic influence and occult leanings to his religious and spiritual views and that these influences are also laced throughout his music. BUT! The music was still David’s! Man is created in the image of God and we also carry the same creative DNA of our creator. The demonic influence over Bowie's life and music created an audio illustration of one man's battle for significance and self discovery as he constantly tried to suppress the forces that plagued him. This may come as a surprise to some of you... I know of pastors who are demonized. That’s another subject for possibly my next blog.

David and Ziggy: The entire story-line of the legendary album Ziggy Stardust is the actual crucifying of the androgynous rock alter ego that he had conjured. I personally believe that he knew that he had created a monster and tried his best to bury his alter ego Ziggy. In 1990 David Bowie attempted to retire his entire previous catalogue of songs saying “I want to make a break from what I've done up until now”. David went on to create some of the most fascinating music much of the world has yet to hear. By then he was stuck with Ziggy Stardust, and from a public perspective, rightfully so. The album is no less than brilliant, still being discovered by an entirely new generation. As hard as Bowie tried to distance himself from Ziggy and androgyny he could not. The worldwide fame of that album had sealed Ziggy Stardust into a permanent place in rock history.

David And Ideology: David Bowie made it clear that he didn’t want his music or his lyrics to be used for religious, social or political ideologies. In the classic song he penned, “I never got it off on that revolution stuff, it's such a , too many snags”. His often stated position on song writing was that his lyrics and the vocals are just another instrument in . He didn’t seem to care if the lyrics made sense or not. He often scrambled them to strip the story out of them, while maintaining the clever phrases and the poetry. He was only after the music itself as an art form no different than jazz, painting or sculpting. When it came to song development Bowie wanted the entire package to be a fresh form of creativity. Chords, notes, sounds, blended genres and the latest technologies were all equal portions. As far as he was concerned the lyrics were subservient to the overall. You might say he was the opposite of Dylan in that respect.

That day as a teenager in Marianne’s house I distinctly remember when she played the song I Can't Explain. I was riveted by the power and the performance of that song. I instinctively knew at the age of 14 that I wasn’t hearing a gimmick or some producer fabricated-and-controlled pop/junk made strictly for the sake of selling records. Even back in 1973 I disdained that kind of stuff as much as I do now. David Bowie wasn’t a concept, a brand or the gay community’s poster boy. Quite the contrary he was even criticized openly for betraying the gay culture. David Bowie was a spiritually frustrated man who with a homosexual past who wanted more than anything to make great music. And that he did.

David And Others: As David Bowie poured himself out honestly and purely in the form of fabulous art he never shied away from admitting the darkness that often surrounded him, but always honoring other people. He always insisted that his creations were excellent and that the musicians he used shined in the mix. Entire careers were launched off his. I was in the audience at the Santa Monica performance of the famed tour that David Bowie performed in. David was a superstar, yet he chose to sit in as keyboardist to help re-launch Iggy’s career. I don’t know of one song he wrote that overtly puts down another person or condemns anyone. Although he did confess “I’m afraid of Americans”.

To this day one of the most sincere, loving and caring songs I have ever heard is Suicide. The song is about a friend whose life is on the brink of disaster. In response Bowie offers a hand of friendship and love, willing to come alongside this person and help them navigate through their turbulence with phrases like “Oh no love you're not alone, you're watching yourself but you’re too unfair. You’ve got your head all tangled up, if I could only make you care”. The song ends with a string orchestra mixed with ’s incredible wailing guitar riffs escalating to a dramatic crescendo as Bowie yell’s “You’re not alone, just give me your hands”. All the while the background vocals are chanting “Your wonderful”…. What an amazing tribute to friendship if there ever was one.

David and God: In regards to David’s spirituality, he no doubt dabbled throughout his life, and admits to questioning his spirituality constantly. The February 2015 Magazine Bowie Cover Story quotes him saying “All I knew is that there was this otherness, this other world, an alternative reality, one that I really wanted to embrace. I wanted anything but the place I came from”. By this I believe David Bowie hungered for a true representation and manifestation of the Kingdom of God, something that the church as a whole has yet to fully embrace. I believe David Bowie knew instinctively there was more, and it had to be supernatural, but was never exposed to it a way that was tangible or relevant to him personally. This to me is an indictment against the church and I hope some day we can figure out why it is we are so terribly inept at presenting the Kingdom of God in its original God modeled form. I’m not blaming the church directly for David’s spiritual demise because David was still responsible for handling the bits of truth that came his way. And we know that the Lord Jesus reached out to David Bowie personally. David’s most spiritually vulnerable lyrics were released on his 1976 album song, . He later confessed this as a Christian born again encounter, but has since been reluctant to call himself a Christian. Notice David’s confession of Jesus walking into his dreams.

You walked into my life Out of my dreams. Sweet name, you're born once again for me, Sweet name you're born once again for me, Oh sweet name, I call you again, You're born once again for me.

Just because I believe, don't mean I don't think as well, don’t have to question everything In heaven or hell. Lord, I kneel and offer you My word on a wing. And I'm trying hard to fit among your scheme of things. Unfortunately it appears to me that Christianity didn’t stick. And this breaks my heart. As a young boy his mother exposed David to Christianity but he as he grew older David was turned off by the rigidity of the church and its confines. And let's all face it, what Church do we know of that has the ability to disciple world famous rock icons effectively without prematurely turning them into success stories and sending them on speaking tours while broadcasting their stories like hunters with their trophy kill. In the year 2000 I joined the Bowie Fan Club and paid $100 for a guaranteed email sent directly to him, with a promise that he would read it. In the email I told him my story of discovery in his music and shared my testimony and born again experience. I encouraged Bowie to continue in Christ and to trust the Lord. I never heard back and honestly didn’t expect to. I hope he read the letter.

Rock Star To Blackstar: A few days before Bowie died he released his video Blackstar. I was afraid to watch it. I knew that his musical tone over the past few years were growing darker and laced with what I would describe as pent up spiritual frustration. In his album Earthling, song titled Seven Years In Tibet he wrote, “I praise to you, and nothing goes away”.

These lyrics are repeated over and over with much angst as if to say to God that worship isn’t working. David Bowie's entire lyrical catalogue is laced with these types of anthems of frustration with God, never in a hateful way but always confessing disillusionment. Along with this are the self-described demonic manifestations of his drug years and the self-confessed constant fear of becoming a schizophrenic like his brother who committed suicide by laying his head on a train track. The spiritual frustration and his brother’s mental illness seemed to control and influence him his entire life. Blackstar is a composite of religious ideas mixed with occult symbolism and Christ mockery. Once again I cried over what may be a video confession of the spiritual .

But who knows what happened in the final moments before his death? Would the Jesus who walked into his dreams try one more time to reach out to him, or was David Bowie’s heart fixed against Christ for the perceived failures of Christianity? We do gain a small window into the spiritual tone of his final hours. The eve of David’s death just before his passing his wife Iman posted on Facebook, “the struggle is real and so is God”. .

In closing: From this born-again Christian lover of Jesus to the always mysterious, incredibly musical and artistic genius David Bowie. Thank you for your honesty and for the music. I am sorry that we the church may have failed you. I am sorry that we have a history of killing creativity by demanding conformity, then calling it accountability. I’m sorry that even our worship music artists can only stand one or two albums of originality before their own breakthroughs become industry driven, producer controlled brands. I hope that someday we the people of God learn to foster atmospheres that are conducive to the kind of creativity that would be relevant and attractive to the brightest and the best. To the David Bowies. We could have taught you the ways of God and you could have taught us the keys to creative genius.

Thanks for honoring my values and traditions by never trying to infiltrate them with anything but great musical arrangements and cleverly phrased lyrics. Thank for not using your platform to try to induce me with your ideologies, spiritual ideas and religious beliefs. Thank you for having enough integrity to just let your music be music. I wish you had returned my email. I wish we could have met and I could have had the opportunity to expel the demons that haunted you. For what it's worth now, if anything at all, as an ambassador of the Church of Jesus if we failed you, I offer you our apologies.