YISMACH GUIDE to the PERPLEXED Distortions and Illusions in Shidduchim
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YISMACH GUIDE TO THE PERPLEXED Distortions And Illusions In Shidduchim Biases & Distortions in Shidduchim Vanity of vanities – all is vanity! We all are fairly confident in our perceptions, judgements amd memories. Judiasm, in sharp contast, deems them as flawed. Throughout the Torah we see numerous examples of biases & distortions that affect halachic rulings. For example: the accuracy of the memory when witnessing events, a Soneh, or Ohev are not believable witnesses. We tend to believe that “seeing is believing” that what we see is what others see. Yet if two witnesses testify in Bes Din the exact same testimony of what they saw and heard, this testimony is NOT believed. All perceptions and memories are flawed. These biases and distortions affect the way • shidduch resume is (mis)interpreted, • feedback from references is (mis)interpreted, • pictures give false impressions, • first impressions from the initial meeting is (mis)interpreted, • relationships do not get off the ground, and • relationships do not get to engagement. It is important to be aware of these many biases and distortions in order not to fall prey to them. Why Shidduch Profiles and Shidduch Resumes are (Mis)Interpreted Shidduch resumes sometimes simply list schools, family members and references. Whenever the shidduch resume has a section "About Me" and "Looking For", descriptions of their personality, supposedly tailored specifically for them, are in fact vague and general enough to apply to a wide range of people. This is called the Forer effect (also called the Barnum effect). In 1948, psychologist Bertram R. Forer gave a personality test to his students. He told his students they were each receiving a unique personality analysis that was based on the test`s results and to rate their analysis on how well it applied to themselves. In reality, each received the same sketch, consisting of the following items 1. You have a great need for other people to like and admire you. 2. You have a tendency to be critical of yourself. 3. You have a great deal of unused capacity which you have not turned to your advantage. 4. While you have some personality weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them. 5. Disciplined and self-controlled outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure inside. 6. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. 7. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. DISORTIONS AND ILLUSIONS IN SHIDDUCHIM page 1 8. You pride yourself as an independent thinker and do not accept others`statements without satisfactory proof. 9. You have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. 10. At times you are extroverted, affable, sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, reserved. 11. Some of your aspirations tend to be pretty unrealistic. 12. Security is one of your major goals in life. On average, the students rated its accuracy as 4.26 on a scale of 0 (very poor) to 5 (excellent). Only after the ratings were turned in was it revealed that each student had received identical copies assembled by Forer from a newsstand astrology book. The quote contains several statements that are vague and general enough to apply to a wide range of people. In another study examining the Forer effect, students took a personality assessment and researchers evaluated their responses. The researchers wrote accurate evaluations of the students’ personalities but gave the students both the accurate assessment and a fake assessment using vague generalities. Students were then asked to choose which personality assessment they believed was their own, actual assessment. More than half of the students (59%) chose the fake assessment as opposed to the real one. The effect is so consistent because the statements are so vague. People can read their own meaning into the statements they receive, and thus the statement becomes "personal" to them. The most effective statements contain statements based around the phrase: "at times." Such as: "At times you feel very sure of yourself, while at other times you are not as confident." This phrase can apply to almost anybody, and thus each person can read their own meaning into it. It is very common for people to write on their shidduch resumes something to the effect of: I am looking for someone "serious but fun". By including the contrast of the polarized ends, they include everyone on the spectrum which is interpreted subjectively by the individual reading it as relevant to them. This is called the Rainbow ruse. It works because personality traits are not quantifiable, and because nearly everybody has experienced both sides of an emotion at some time in their lives. Statements of this type might include: • "Most of the time you are positive and cheerful, but there has been a time in the past when you were very upset." • "You are a very kind and considerate person, but when somebody does something to break your trust, you feel deep-seated anger." • "I would say that you are mostly shy and quiet, but when the mood strikes you, you can easily become the center of attention." DISORTIONS AND ILLUSIONS IN SHIDDUCHIM page 2 It is not only that the personality descriptions are vague and generic, and not only when the whole spectrum is covered, but also social desirability causes distortions in personality descriptions. Self- serving bias is found when participants were given a list of generic traits and asked to rate how much they felt these traits applied to them. The majority agreed with positive traits about themselves and disagreed with negative ones. Self-serving bias can cancel the Forer effect if the generic description is perceived as negative but attenuates the effect if the perceived description is positive. For example, when the reader of the shidduch resume comes to the section of “What I am looking for”, when it comes to one word that is “NOT” what the reader is looking for, the Forer effect is canceled, but if it generically fits, it makes the Forer effect stronger so that generic descriptions are perceived as a “perfect” fit. Because the self-serving bias distorts cognitive or perceptual processes to maintain and enhance self-esteem, it perpetuates illusions and error. People in shidduchim present to both the shadchanim and those that they are suggested to, a distorted description. Either the writing “about me” and “what I am looking for” is so generic to that it applies to most anyone (Forer Effect) or gives an exaggerated one sided “socially desirable” persona (self-serving bias). As the bias is so strongly ingrained, we are taught to judge people favorably- not just to hypothesize the justification of their actions, but also not see them in a different light from rumors about them. Example of Shidduch Resume Subject to Distortions: About Chaya: Chaya is pretty, intelligent, sensitive to other’s needs, kind, Tzanuah, chesed oriented, fun, and always striving to do the right thing. She can be outgoing- not quiet but also not loud. Chaya likes to be open minded and think out of the box. She is close to her friends and family and tries to always see the best in everyone. Looking for: Chaya wants to marry someone with Yirei Shamayim, and good midos, someone who always strives to grow. She would like to support someone in learning for as long as she is financially able to. In this shidduch resume, note the self-serving bias (lack of negative qualities) and the Barnum statements. Note also your initial impression even though an age or height or background was not stated. How ‘open minded’ do you think she is? Note the rainbow ruse - How outgoing is she really? Trying to over read into this resume is futile and only reinforces your own biases. Because of these biases, these shidduch resumes lead to a lower rate of rejection when decisions are based on the resume alone. Specific and defined shidduch resumes are rejected all too often for being perceived as rigid and inflexible. When reviewing a resume, don’t jump to conclusions. Reports from References are (Mis)Interpreted Not only are “shidduch resumes” misleading, reports from references can be giving a wrong picture. Yismach clients were asked whether the references provided accurate information and over 43% said no. Providing references and calling DISORTIONS AND ILLUSIONS IN SHIDDUCHIM page 3 references and others before a date is a relatively new development historically. There is good reason to believe that this is counter-productive. The way that a reference describes the one in shidduchim has disproportionate impact on the decision of whether there will be a first date. Specifically, information that is vivid, concrete, and personal has a greater impact on our thinking than pallid, abstract information. This is called The Vividness Criterion. Events that people experience personally are more memorable than those they only read about. Concrete words are easier to remember than abstract words, and words of all types are easier to recall than numbers. In short, information having these qualities is more likely to attract and hold our attention. It is more likely to be stored and remembered than abstract reasoning or statistical summaries, and therefore can be expected to have a greater immediate effect as well as a continuing impact on our thinking in the future. Personal anecdotes, actual accounts of people’s responsiveness or indifference to information sources, and controlled experiments can all be cited ad infinitum "to illustrate the proposition that data summaries, despite their logically compelling implications, have less impact than does inferior but more vivid proof." It seems likely that shadchanim and those in shidduchim assign excessive weight to anecdotal information.