EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Todd Morehead ContentsJuly 9, 2009 VOLUME 4 issue 23 [email protected] pg. 10 ARTS EDITOR Judit Trunkos saVe This house: morTgage aid program moVes slowly [email protected] DESIGN News.Politics.Commentary Megan Weeks, Bobby Sutton letters To The reader dear Billy mays 3 VOCAL BOOTH regional Briefs The end of showers on The golden mile 3 Kingsley Waring mr. meaners updaTes on crackheads 4 news Bark park To help enVironmenT 5 PUBLISHER StaTehouse reporT is goVernmenT acTually working? 6 Paul Blake news healThcare By fund-raising 7 [email protected] Ted rall oBama’s half healThcare plan 8 pg. 5 don’T panic! whaT we can do To help iran 9 ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES James Wallace CONTRIBUTORS Arts.Entertainment.Etc Andy Brack, Graeme Fouste, Harry S. Iarch, TheaTer BeauTy and The BeasT 11 TheaTer high school musical and 12 q’s 13 Magdalene Kellett, Ismail Lagardien, WR Marshall, music feaTure how will Jackson Be rememBered 14 Will Moredock, Ted Rall, Fred Richardson, soundBoard punk/indie/emo/ska/hardcore/meTal/rock 15 Dan Savage, Mike Serge, Vocal BooTh s.c. hip hop reView 15 Greg Slattery, Michael Spawn, Kingsley Waring rock and roll crosswords 16 ARTs Tyler BlanTon exhiBiT 16 COLUMBIA CITY PAPER Jonesin crosswords “i’m getting dizzy” sudoku puzzles 18 2965 North Main Street pg. 14 Columbia, SC 29201 ask a mexican and saVage loVe 19 803.218.9455 Advertisers in Columbia City Paper assume responsibility for the entire content of the advertisements. The first copy of Columbia City Paper is free. Additional copies are $1 and two-bits each. Views expressed do not necessarily represent the opinions of Columbia City Paper or its publisher. (C) Columbia City Paper, LLC Thursday, July 9th 8 PM Disney’s and Beauty the east PreviewB $15 General Admission Town Theatre 1012 Sumter Street To purchase tickets contact: Ticket Sales Benefit The Family Shelter www.columbiafamilyshelter.org 803.771.7040 Letters to the Reader My dearest beloved, Oh, how I yearn for your magnificent kisses, the sweetness of your soul, the beauty of your eyes and, er... let’s not forget those other two parts. Yes, the last three (or five or pos- sibly more) times we met (maybe or maybe not under the guise of official business) did nothing to quench my thirst for your love and left me slipping into confusion like a, um... greased pig on State House marble. The glory of your... of your... tan lines and the, uh... Ah, forget it! I’m no good at this romantic crap! How about some stanzas I’ve penned on market deregulation and state debt reduction? Columbia City Paper Dear Billy Mays, ANDERSON The city removed shower heads from public It’s a shame your untimely death was beaches on the “Golden Mile” –the area between eclipsed by the deaths of Farrah Fawcett and that Boy loses hand in backyard fireworks 30th Ave. North and 50th Ave. North—after other guy. (What’s his name? The pop singer?) experiment receiving complaints from residents that some A 13-year-old Anderson boy blew his right users were going beyond simply hosing sand off If not the nation, then at least we at City Paper hand off after a July 4 fireworks experiment their swimsuits, but were instead stripping naked mourn the loss of the undisputed king of the 2 to went horribly wrong. and taking full-fledged showers with soap under 5 a.m. infomercial bracket. Yet, what heir, mae- According to the Anderson Independent city plumbing. stro, have you to your throne? The Slap Chop Mail, witnesses said the boy had wrapped 144 Other residents complained that the shower guy’s career may not recover from that thing fireworks of an unknown type in electrical tape heads were removed and have asked the city to with the prostitute. And as far as televangelists and was handling them or possibly trying to replace them. The city council will reopen the put out a fuse when they exploded. Neighbors subject for public debate on July 14. go, Jack Van Impe isn’t getting any younger. said the explosion sounded like a bomb or a All we needed was you, Mays; you were the plane crash, according to the report. Some said ORANGEBURG chosen one. We’ll need at least the ZorbEEZ they searched the yard for the boy’s hand while “Double Offer” with extra jumbo cloths –and he was transported to Greenville Memorial State Republican Party official suing free Micromen Microfiber Duster if we order Hospital. Orangeburg over disrupted abortion protest within the next ten minutes—to wipe away our The second vice chairman of the S.C. CHARLESTON Republican Party has filed suit against the city tears. of Orangeburg, saying authorities stopped him Columbia City Paper Charleston lengthens duration of red from participating in an abortion protest. traffic lights citywide According to the Orangeburg Times- Dear people who continue to put trash in The City of Charleston has lengthened the Democrat, Rev. Charles Butler, pastor of Souls our newspaper boxes, duration of red traffic lights –specifically the Afire Baptist Church and state GOP official, was Sure, Abercrombie meatheads continue to duration of “all-red” time, in which the lights holding a January 2008 roadside vigil to protest are red in all directions—in an attempt to curb then presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s punch out the windows on our newspaper boxes. intersection accidents. stance on abortion when he says a police officer Yeah, maybe some of the boxes need paint jobs “That one second [...] may seem very told him he couldn’t protest without a permit. or exterminators to remove the occasional fam- minute to all of us, but in a second, you can Butler, who won an undisclosed court settlement ily of possums hissing from inside. And, all get a car (that’s running a red light) through an in 2006 for a similar incident, said he left the that said, maybe they kinda do resemble gar- intersection,” city Traffic and Transportation scene for fear of being arrested. bage cans to the careless or untrained eye. But Director, Hernan Pena, told the Charleston Post An attorney for the city of Orangeburg said and Courier. the officer was mistaken about the law and that shouldn’t the copies of City Paper inside make Pena told the Post and Courier that the Butler left the scene prior to a superior officer you think otherwise? ...Okay, we’ll concede that change in duration has been so subtle they so far arriving to tell the other protesters they were as a reason to think it’s a garbage can, too. But, have had no complaints. allowed to stay. at least try to pay attention. Columbia City Paper MYRTLE BEACH SUMTER Drunk driver accused of dragging police- 14-year-old girl discovered driving along Dear exercise enthusiast wife, man faces additional charges highway in the oncoming lane It’s a miracle you’ve got me jogging in the A judge set bail at close to $67,000 for a A 14-year-old female was arrested after a first place, so let’s just be happy for that small North Carolina man who faces multiple charges Sumter County sheriff’s officer saw her driving victory. In answer to your question: no, hell no, after he dragged a Myrtle Beach Police officer in the wrong lane. I will never wear that pair of New Balance short close to two blocks with his vehicle after a traf- According to the Sumter Item, a Sumter shorts to jog in. Do you really want that? You fic stop. County sheriff’s officer witnessed the red Ford Clark Tuttle, 25, faces ten counts of assault Mustang almost collide with another car in the want me to be of those dudes who doesn’t pump with intent to kill, resisting arrest with a deadly oncoming lane and quickly pulled the motorist his arms while he jog-walks in little hot shorts weapon, driving under the influence and having over. The girl reportedly produced a driver’s and checks his heart monitor wristwatch every an open container. According to reports, Tuttle license for an unidentified 24-year-old woman. block? The cholos down at the park would had been pulled over after police suspected he In addition to three other passengers, the whistle and catcall me as I ran by. I’m perfectly was driving drunk. Tuttle then dragged Officer arresting officer also discovered Marco Antonio- happy jogging in my jeans and work boots. Tony Allen with his truck as he attempted to flee Pina Hernandez, 22, who was reportedly uncon- the scene. After traveling two blocks, Tuttle col- scious in the backseat cradling a 30-pack of beer, Lower my body mass index, woman, but don’t lided with four other vehicles. Allen was treated with a number of open bottles strewn about. lower my pride! for only minor injuries. A breath-alcohol test revealed the presence of Columbia City Paper alcohol in the 14-year-old driver, the report said. “Golden Mile” residents lathered up The girl was released into her mother’s custody over public showers and the other passengers were transported to Myrtle Beach City Council is locked in Sumter-Lee Regional Detention Center, accord- debate over the fate of public shower facilities ing to the report. at certain beach sites. July 9, 2009 3 CRIMEMr. Meaner’s WATCH Subjects are innocent until proven guilty, this is not a court of law 29203 Gardeners beware! A plant thief is on the loose! Columbia Police reported that a male suspect broke into a home on Juniper Street and stole over 100 dollars worth of potted plants.