Editor-In-Chief Todd Morehead ContentsJuly 22, 2010 VOLUME 5 Issue 31 [email protected] A rundown of conservation victories and defeats at the State House p. 6 ARTS EDITOR Judit Trunkos [email protected]

colatheater.com News.Politics.Commentary. S.M. Baleem, Garrett Kellerhals editorial jim demint’s bold stance 3 Design Letters to the reader dear dancing hippie 4 Lindsey Downen the good fight To kill a mockingbird turns 50 4 Cover story Legislating the Environment 5 Music music Sequoya Prep School 6 Kingsley Waring, Shelby Sachs don’t panic the world’s failed states 12 Pg. 4 Publisher Paul Blake [email protected]

Account Executives Arts.Entertainment.Etc. John Gibson, James Wallace soundboard punk/indie/emo/ska/hardcore/metal/rock 10 Contributors Music Preview Sequoyah Prep School at new brookland tavern 11 S.M. Baleem, Garrett Kellerhals, Ismail Lagardien, Review toy story 3 13 WR Marshall, Will Moredock, Ted Rall, movie times at the Nick and big mo drive-in 13 Dan Savage, Kingsley Waring, Baynard Woods savage love adult sex advice 14 Jonesin Crosswords 14 Columbia City Paper Cartoons Derf & Red Meat 15 2965 North Main Street Sudoku 15 Pg. 11 Columbia, SC 29201 803.218.9455 (dial area code)

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2 July 22, 2010 By Baynard Woods them shall ye eat. homosexual activity a capital crime. I’m And all that have not fins and scales in looking for DeMint to offer a similar bill If Jim DeMint truly stands by the the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in about shrimping. principles he espouses, he may one day the waters, and of any living thing which is Abomination-eating masses, we’ve got take a bold stand against South Carolina’s in the waters, they shall be an abomination to be ready. shrimpers and could even try to ban college unto you: And, to the S.C. man who keeps getting football on Saturdays. They shall be even an abomination unto caught having sex with a horse: Exodus says I spent a day calling DeMint’s offices you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye bestiality should be punished by death— to see when and if he would put those plans shall have their carcasses in abomination. the horse too. Sanford, bad news, buddy: into effect. The young summer interns who Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in Death. Well, as long as she wasn’t “another answered the phone were quite confident the waters, that shall be an abomination unto man’s wife” you might be saved, since when I asked them if the Senator believed you. your wife was little more than property and that the Bible was true. They were less certain How can you miss it? God himself states wasn’t guaranteed any protection from your when I asked about specific abominations. three times that shrimp, oysters, crabs and fornicating. But that’s kind of like asking DeMint still will not return my calls, but I scallops are abominations. The rant against what the meaning of is is, ain’t it? Oh, and no think it is safe to say that the Senator does shellfish is three times as long as the passage more college football. See, when Numbers not like abominations. The book of Leviticus about homosexuality. If abominations are says you die for breaking the Sabbath, it says that for a man to lie with another man marked with an X, gay sex is X-rated. But means Saturday. is an abomination. DeMint is pretty serious shrimp is XXX. Those clams you’re eating DeMint claims that his ethics and his about hating gay sex. While running for the better be bearded, lady, or God might strike politics are religiously motivated. And yet Senate in 2004, he talked with Tim Russert you down! he disobeys God every single day in an act of about how “as a father” he hated gay sex; And yet I’ve never heard DeMint open defiance. Leviticus commands Jim not he said openly that gay people should not be mention the issue at all. The guy must to cut his hair on the side or shave his face. allowed to teach in public schools. despise shrimpers—because they’re really DeMint says you cannot have two masters; But notice the wording (in the King like gay prostitutes when you think about in the battle for DeMint’s soul, Gillette beats James translation): “Thou shalt not lie it in Biblical terms, trolling around, selling Jehovah every day. with mankind, as with womankind: it is their abominations to others. To children If DeMint and his tea partiers shave and abomination.” It does not apply to lesbians, even! He must be really rejoicing about the cut their hair and eat shellfish and break the and so the lesbian bondage clubs are cool BP oil spill, because it killed this pernicious Sabbath, why don’t they just get it over with and not abominatory at all. Besides, there industry in more than one state. He could and start teabagging each other? was something the Old Testament God hated only pray for such a miracle in South Or they could just stop selectively using even more than gay men: shell fish. Carolina. the Bible to justify their positions. These shall ye eat of all that are in the David Bahati, a member of the [email protected] waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in Ugandan Parliament and DeMint’s C Street the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, Family, introduced a bill that would make July 22, 2010 3 Letters to the Reader

Dear Charleston RiverDogs, we were intrigued by your announcement We fully support your idea to put that you, personally, have scheduled the Alvin Green’s head on the bodies of all Judeo-Christian Judgment Day to coincide those unused Mr. Liberty statues you have with the end of the Mayan calendar in 2012. laying around for fan appreciation night. “The Earth’s rotation has accelerated to a (In January, Charleston area officials briefly speed of 66,666 mph. All prophecies are discussed building a giant, male version fulfilling, even scientific, astronomical and of the Statue of Liberty in Charleston numerological formulae are aligning - all Harbor. Aesthetically speaking, cramming pointing to the year 2012, where the Puerto the Arthur Ravenel Jr. Bridge, the warships Rican-born Jose Luis De Jesus (Latitude at Patriot’s Point, and a glimmering, 300- 66.6°) curiously turns 66.” Then apparently foot statue of a naked man wearing a you are supposed to transform into some Liberty crown in the mouth of the Cooper type of benevolent Antichrist and blah, River is the type of overkill the nation blah, blah. expects from South Carolina. The “Statue For an ex-con televangelist to make of Freedom” would’ve made Charleston such a claim takes some brass balls. To me, like the Graceland of national cityscapes. A it’s just begging someone to throw down the perfect fit! Though, the idea was eventually gauntlet. See we’re sick of you soft wussies shot down, the Charleston RiverDogs who claim all this stuff about Y2K, various baseball team reportedly ordered boxes full second comings, divine origins, and aliens of Mr. Liberty statues that they planned to and shit and then when nothing happens give away.) …Enter Alvin Green and his you simply shrug it off. If you’re bold idea to sell action figures of himself to spur enough to claim to be the Antichrist, you’re economic growth –a Senate candidate and bold enough to do us all a favor and put an idea so bizarre that only a crate full of your money where your mouth is. semi nude Mr. Liberty statues would even This is an open challenge, Jose, from FREE UNLIMITED Calls Around the World be in the same league of absurdity. 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Not sure why me between songs). phones depending on the destination. Out of plan calls are charged at our low per minute rates. Offer valid you sent it to the City Paper Columbia City Paper in the US only. See Terms of Service for details. < For Guarantee details see Vonage.com. ^ Where avail- able. The number transfer process may take up to 10 business days from the time you confirm your transfer sports desk, but, nonetheless, request. Vonage 911 service operates differently than traditional 911. See www.vonage.com/911 for details. 4 July 22,, 2010 TTY, Alarms and other systems may not be compatible. ©2010 Vonage. The good fight Only have 20 minutes a day “To Kill A Mockingbird” Turns 50 And it still -- a fictional town that looks a lot like Endorsed by Chuck Norris inspires us to be Monroeville – in 1936. It is told by 6-year- to get into shape? & Christie Brinkley better people old Scout Finch, whose father is appointed to represent a black man accused of raping a They are white woman. The rage of the community is Try Total Gym! still toasting directed not just at the falsely accused man, and cheering in Tom Robinson, but at the Finch family as Over 80 exercises to build, Monroeville, Ala., well. Atticus is wise and strong throughout strengthen, and tone your muscles! a week after the the crisis, never allowing himself to impart official observance fear to his children. When he is vilified and commemorating threatened by an angry mob, even when ® the 50th anniversary of the publication of Tom Robinson is wrongly convicted and Try the Total Gym that quintessential Southern novel, “To Kill later killed trying to escape from jail, he A Mockingbird.” remains stoic. Only when his own children for 30 days! Nationally, the celebration has been are threatened does he take action. Seen going on for weeks, with stories in major through the eyes of young Scout, the folly $ magazines, including Smithsonian, and injustice of adult society is clear, but ONLY 49.95 Southern Living and a turn by fellow never pedantic. Pulitzer Prize-winner and Alabaman Rick The novel won a Pulitzer Prize and FREE SHIPPING! Bragg in Reader’s Digest. At least one huge sales and was spun into an Academy book, “Scout, Atticus and Boo,” by Mary Award-winning film two years later, starring Call now for this special offer: McDonagh Murphy, was published this none other than Gregory Peck. Perhaps that spring to observe the moment. is why “Mockingbird” remains Lee’s first Author Harper Lee, 84, is in a and only book. After all, what could she 1.866.940.0898 retirement home today, but in fact she has have done to top it? Or perhaps, as some been in retirement for decades. Known for have suggested, she was too stunned by the her reclusiveness and eccentricity almost years of celebrity and fawning to ever put as much as for her book, Lee put in a few pen to paper again. Whatever the reason, appearances in the weeks prior to the July she became Monroeville’s silent sphinx,

“Known for her reclusiveness and eccentricity almost as much as for her book, Lee put in a few appearances in the weeks prior to the July 11 anniversary” 11 anniversary, but pretty much left the the famous spinster, living with her spinster speaking and toasting to others. sister in the prosaic little town in southern And why not? How much more can be Alabama. said about this wonderful little book? Forty I was 10 years old when “Mockingbird” million copies sold worldwide. Translated came out, but did not get around to reading into 50 languages. Ranked as the best novel it until college. I was ready for it then. I’m of the 20th century in a 1999 survey by not sure I would have been in my slow and the Library Journal. A 1991 survey by the isolated South Carolina hometown -- which Book-of-the-Month Club and the Library also could have been a model for Maycomb. of Congress Center for the Book found For me it was the story of one man’s that “Mockingbird” was “most often cited grace in the midst of anger and violence. as making a difference in people’s lives, No, he could not prevent the tragedy which second only to the Bible.” overwhelmed his town. Or as Rick Bragg Southerners love a good yarn more than wrote, “...it would take more than one good any people since the ancient Greeks and “To Alabama man to make this sorry world all Kill A Mockingbird” is a yarn for the ages. right.” But one suspects that those who In a time of intense and often violent social witnessed his quiet strength would forever change, it affected people as no speech or be changed. Certainly, he inspired millions treatise could have. It is not a “civil rights” who have met him on the pages of Harper story, yet with its tale of racial violence Lee’s novel. and injustice, it allowed whites to sit in Reading “Mockingbird” did not inspire the comfort of their homes and book clubs me to become an attorney, but it did play and peer across the color line, to stare into into my decision to go into journalism. I the darker corners of the American psyche. have always been awed by the power of What they saw there transformed many and, words to move people – for good or for for some, awareness became political and evil. I’m still looking for the right words to social action. Even today lawyers around “make this sorry world all right.” But until the country say they were inspired to go they come to me, I will keep reading “To into law by the courage and conviction of Kill A Mockingbird.” Atticus Finch, the attorney at the heart of the novel. See Will Moredock’s blog at To those who require a refresher, www.charlestoncitypaper.com/blogs/ the story takes place in Maycomb, Ala. thegoodfight. July 22, 2010 5 Legislating the Environment blocks up Gervais from the Congaree Chester County –Coleman’s district— the law would put economic stress on site, the legislative session at the State would be allowed to exceed its 600 small bars. A rundown of conservation victories House recently drew to a close. Hard line ton per day limit by purchasing unused and defeats at the State House conservationists would probably consider capacity from existing landfills. Covanta Clean Waterways the 2009-2010 session a wash, though would then burn over half a million By Todd Morehead some important environmental legislation tons of trash annually, leaving behind Following the Deepwater Horizon was actually able to squeak through. As tens of thousands of tons of ash waste disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, the Mother Nature has had a rough year, the General Assembly cycled through bills and more mercury per unit of electricity House and Senate adopted S.1478, a particularly in the Southeast. Though in its usual Darwinian fashion, some key than would be produced by a coal-fired joint resolution that calls for an Oil Spill South Carolinians can count our blessings ideas and proposals actually fared well; in power plant. In addition, the net effect of Contingency Plan. Under the resolution, that we aren’t dealing with the mess our other areas, it seemed to be survival of the purchasing unused capacity, according to DHEC, the Dept. of Natural Resources, Gulf Coast neighbors are enduring, we’re richest... the ConservationVoters of S.C (CVSC), and the Governor’s Office must develop still staring down the barrel of the nuclear would have “swapped South Carolina’s a plan to protect the state’s coastline if waste industry, polluted waterways, Waste Management future capacity with imported trash from spilled oil from the Gulf makes its way and the specter of offshore drilling, just northeastern states.” around Florida, up the eastern seaboard, to name a few concerns. To compound A bill that would have increased On the flip side of that coin, Rep. and onto South Carolina shores. the problem, key environmental issues particulate ash waste from burned Dwight Loftis helped pass an E-Waste Further inland, a key first step was continue to play out under the gaze of an garbage was put on hold for another year. Recycling bill (H.4093) that will help keep passed in the regulation and management anemic Dept. of Health and Environmental The Senate Medical Affairs subcommittee toxic heavy metals out of landfills and of water resources South Carolina shares Control or are swept aside altogether in voted unanimously to carry the legislation waterways. The bill requires electronics with other states, like the Savannah, the wake of political scandal and budget over, effectively killing it for the time manufacturers to establish recovery Catawba-Wateree, and Pee Dee rivers. vetoes. being. Introduced by Sen. Creighton programs for unused electronics at no cost The water withdrawal permitting bill Just last week in Columbia, DHEC Coleman, S.1325 would have subverted to consumers. (S.452) passed both the House and the continued a swimming ban in the the states solid waste management plan The Senate Judiciary Subcommittee Senate and was signed into law after it Congaree River near the Gervais Street by exempting large trash incinerators killed a second recycling bill (S.173), was amended to maintain natural seasonal Bridge, due to a coal tar-based goo that that generate small amounts of power, that would have required beverage permit flows to protect wildlife and natural had coagulated on the riverbed. A few designating them as “waste to energy” holders to recycle beer, wine, and liquor wetlands. The passage marks the end 6 July 22, 2010 facilities. The Covanta incinerator in bottles. The subcommittee said it feared of four years of negotiations between manufacturers, utilities, water suppliers, came with the near unanimous passage farmers, conservation groups, and DHEC. of the Energy Efficiency Financing Bill While water usage faired well, (S.1096). The bill, introduced by Sen. a number of water quality bills were Glenn McConnell, will ultimately save ultimately killed. A bill requiring DHEC money for ratepayers, reduce energy use to create a standard emergency notification and create local, green jobs. Under the new procedure about spills in public waters (H. legislation, municipal electric systems and 3606) passed in the House but didn’t make electric cooperatives can reduce energy it through the Senate. The Senate also waste by offering voluntary financing and killed a House bill (H.4503) that sought loans to residential customers to subsidize to place restrictions on dishwashing insulation, weatherization, and upgrades detergents containing phosphates that are to more efficient heating and cooling known to pollute state waters. The House systems. Loans would be liens tied to the Environmental Affairs Subcommittee electric meters rather than the properties killed a bill (H.4500) at the behest of the and the homeowner would repay the loan Realtors Association, according to the over time on the utility bill. CVSC. H. 4500 would have required the A House bill aimed at encouraging inspection of septic tanks upon the sale of energy efficiency (H.4683) was put on the

“Despite two raw sewage spills in the Broad River in December 2009 alone, the Senate Medical Affairs Committee killed a “Three Strikes” bill” a home. backburner and is awaiting a rewrite so that Despite two raw sewage spills in the it can be introduced next session. The bill Broad River in December 2009 alone, the seeks to allow counties and municipalities Senate Medical Affairs Committee killed to issue bonds for energy improvement a “Three Strikes” bill (S.1170) that would loans to residents and businesses. Those require a mandated DHEC review of loans would be repaid as a special line operations at sewage treatment facilities item on property tax bills. with three or more spills in any 12-month period. DHEC

Natural Resources Preservation Many conservationists believe the Dept. of Heath and Environmental Control The Conservation Bank is a state (DHEC) would operate more productively funded effort to maintain and preserve and with more accountability as a cabinet wildlife habitats, natural areas, historical agency. In 2009, Senators Phil Leventis sites, watersheds, urban parks and other and John Courson introduced S.384 to natural areas in the face of increasing do just that. The bill made it through land development. Though the Bank the Medical Affairs Subcommittee, but narrowly survived this legislative session, cabinet status was ultimately rejected by it ultimately came out battered, but intact. the full Committee. To keep the issue at The Bank’s agency was cut more than the forefront, the conservation community any other state agency last year. Currently offered amendments that would improve a “death clause” exists which zeroes the the management of DHEC and make Bank’s budget when there are across-the- its permitting process more transparent. board cuts to state agencies. Language in DHEC has come under fire in recent H.4269 sought to remove the death clause years for appearing to “rubber stamp” air but it was ultimate struck by the House and water quality permits to large-scale Ways and Means Committee. The House waste producing industries and utility struck attempts to direct $2 million to companies. The Senate never voted on the Conservation Bank, as well, but later the amendments or the bill after several provided $207,000 to keep the doors open. senators raised objections. The Senate added $1.5 million toward the Special thanks to the Conservation $4.5 million in commitments the Bank had Voters of S.C. –Ann Timberlake and already made prior to this year’s budget Debbie Parker, in particular—for cuts. Conservationists are pushing for the compiling and providing the information General Assembly to eventually designate and inspiration that shaped this legislative the Bank as an official state agency. rundown. For more information on Energy Efficiency environmental activism in the political arena, please visit CVSC at www. A bright spot in the legislative session conservationvotersofsc.org. July 22, 2010 7 Thursday 22 Friday 23 Saturday 24 Sunday 25 Monday 26 Tuesday 27 Wednesday 28 $7 7pm $10/$13 7 pm $7 9 pm $5/$8 6:30 no cover 9pm Free>21/$3 8pm $5/$8 6:30 Your Chance useless trivia acoustic open WiTh reCKLeSS The PRivaTe life Sequoyah Prep 9pm Hosted Mic Night w/: Of david Reed School to Die By Hardy ABAndon terrigen Mists & Dewayne BriGhTFord Hawaiian Shirt Day Jonas Sees In Color Parachute Musical Invoking the abstract JULY the Decour Murphy’s Kids at Sixes and Sevens Sign up in advance or at Hey Dude Hosted By Fatrat Da Czar the club that evening. the Yellow team the Vegabonds w/ performances by labrynths Under 21 Must sign up Do Your Worst Boondak Syndicate and midnighT muRdeRama FAT hoT doGS before 10pm. tD tha Don $2.00 all the time Thursday 29 Friday 30 Saturday 31 Sun. Aug. 1 Monday Aug. 2 Tuesday Aug. 3 Wednesday 4 $5/$8 7:30pm $7 8 pm $6/10 7:30 pm $10 5:30pm no cover Free>21/$3 8pm $5/$8 6:45 1ST AnnUAL BACK useless trivia acoustic open New Music Night Full Color To SChooL JAMMer 9pm Hosted Mic Night w/: graveside Manner Footage kenley yOung Wretched SUMMer SLAMMer By Hardy (CD release) & Dewayne BriGhTFord a Vacant Soul the Sea Wolf Mutiny the Specs Harvard his s ell Dance Commander T i h Sign up in advance or at Modern Day Slave graves of Valor in RegReT elonzo the club that evening. Kings last Shot Conditions lam JULY/AUG s the Classic Struggle Under 21 Must sign up Blacklines experiment 317 Barriers personal pie before 10pm. midnighT muRdeRama $2.50 all the time Thursday 5 ThursdayFriday 6 8 Saturday 7 Monday Aug. 9 Tuesday 10 Saturday 28 $5/$8 7 pm $6/$9 7:30 pm no cover 8 pm $15/$17 6pm Free>21/$3 8pm $15/$17 7pm acoustic open Set of Heart Calculator 803 Unite Mic Night w/: New Found embracing goodbye up the Down Norma Jean Cola Bands Meet & Greet BriGhTFord glory We Sail at Dawn escalator Discussion: Targeting In this Moment the Wonder Years From tomorrow archer Vs. gunman Ads & Promotion For Behold the Messenger Sign up in advance or at the club that evening. lemuria AUGUST tBa tBa Back To School Under 21 Must sign up Boys No good before 10pm. tueSDaYS $2000B open Mic Night w/: GrAnd Prize BriGhTFord $4000 in ToTAL PrizeS Sign up in advance or at the club that evening. Under 21 For info Must sign up before 10pm. and sign up, email newbrooklandtavern@ hotmail.com

Parachute Musical Murphy’s Kids

Friday 23 $7 7pm Wed Sept 15 $10/$13 7pm $5/$8 8pm 122 State St. W Columbia SC 29169 www.newbrooklandtavern.com 803.791.4413 It has become sort of running sonic leap forward for SPS, so I, for joke that Sequoyah Prep School will one, am curious to see what they have pack out every venue they play with up their flannel sleeves next. They screaming 16-year-old girls. Now, seem to be playing some select local that’s true to a degree, but it detracts dates this summer to keep their chops from the fact that these guys are on up while the album is processing, so their way to becoming a powerhouse definitely expect a few new songs. Southern pop band ...and they’re get- And, if they decide to stick to the ting there based on solid songwriting, classics, well, what Sequoyah Prep a big sound, and raw talent, not their School fan could complain about that? looks. Be sure to get there early to check The boys from Florence are cur- out Parachute Musical and Murphy’s rently finishing up a new album. Kids. Ghost Town, released in 2009, was a -Norbet Sykes

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July 22, 2010 11 What are the world’s failingest failed states?

By Andisheh Nouraee label the failingest of failed states? Here’s a enjoy having wars there. The locals seem run-down of the top/bottom 10. At the end of pretty fond of fighting as well. The Fund For Peace is an educational each listing, I’ve decided to say something SOMETHING NICE ABOUT group headquartered in D.C. that “works to nice about each country so they don’t feel as AFGHANISTAN: Shares its heroin with the prevent war and alleviate the conditions that badly if they read this. world at surprisingly low prices. cause conflict.” 10. PAKISTAN — Nuclear-armed and 5. CONGO: Ground zero for the Naturally, I hate them. Without war and overrun with violent extremists. Deadly deadliest international war since World War conflict, I’ve got no career. What am I gonna terrorist bombings are routine in Pakistan II. do for money? Write poetry? Every decent and large parts of its territory are outside the SOMETHING NICE ABOUT CONGO: rhyme for “Nantucket” has already been government’s authority. Too polite to guilt us about the above fact. taken. Suck it. Duck it. Kirby Puckett. SOMETHING NICE ABOUT 4. ZIMBABWE: In his quest to hold But this isn’t all me-me-me. I’m PAKISTAN: It’s semi-official outfit, the on to power, dictator Robert Mugabe took worried about others, too. Think of all the shalwar kameez, is basically just pyjamas. farms away from farmers and gave them hard-working explosives makers, prosthetic It’s like the whole country is always dressed to his cronies. The country went from food limb polishers, and mortuary refrigeration in comfy sleepwear. exporter to starvation-state in less than a technicians who’ll be out of work if these 9. GUINEA: It’s poor, hot, and run decade. Fund For Peacenik freaks get their way. by clique of military officers. It has no SOMETHING NICE ABOUT Careers aren’t just about money. They’re functioning civil service. Life expectancy ZIMBABWE: Inspired one of Bob Marley’s about giving people a sense of purpose. is less than 50 years. It’s so awful, people last great songs. Without purpose, the soul is drained and who live there sometimes go to Liberia for a 3. SUDAN: Run by a genocidal regime self-esteem vanishes. better life. Think about that. that’s protected from international sanctions These Fund For Peace pricks don’t care SOMETHING NICE ABOUT by China because it has oil. though. In fact, there’s strong evidence to GUINEA: Guinean singer Mory Kanté’s SOMETHING NICE ABOUT SUDAN: suggest they enjoy injuring the self-esteem 1985 album 10 Kola Nuts is delightful. NBA giant turned heroic humanitarian of others. 8. CENTRAL AFRICAN REPUBLIC: Manute Bol was from Sudan. How else do you explain the Failed No money. No government services except 2. CHAD: Very corrupt, even by States Index — Fund For Peace’s annual list violence. And a civil war. If it’s neighbors Africa’s standards. Getting more violent as of nations ranked by how violent, unstable weren’t so awful, more would flee. neighboring Sudan’s Darfur conflict spills and destitute they are? SOMETHING NICE ABOUT over the border. I suppose it’s useful for policy planners, CENTRAL AFRICAN REPUBLIC: So SOMETHING NICE ABOUT CHAD: scholars, commentators and mortuary well-named, even a geographic illiterate can The only African place name suitable for refrigerations technicians to know where find it on a map. white kids. the action is. I just wish they didn’t call 7. IRAQ: Wasn’t everything supposed 1. SOMALIA: An anarchic state that them “failed” states. How about something to be awesome there once George W. Bush hasn’t had a government in two decades. gentler and less judgemental? How about gave ‘em freedom? Oh, well. Iraq’s still When it almost got a government in 2006, Differently Successful States Index? Or how plagued by obscene amounts sectarian we toppled it because they were religious about Most Room To Improve States Index? violence and official corruption. extremists. See, you can make the same point without SOMETHING NICE ABOUT IRAQ: SOMETHING NICE ABOUT being mean. As much as we deserve it, they still haven’t SOMALIA: If you hate big government and So which states does Fund For Peace bombed us. love freedom, Somalia is paradise. July 22, 2010 6. AFGHANISTAN: It’s now the central 12 front in the War On Terror™. Foreigners [email protected] movie times Movie times listed are 4:30 5:30 6:20 7:15 2:00 2:30 3:05 4:30 7:55 10:25 for the weekend of July 8:00 8:50 9:45 5:00 5:30 7:00 7:30 Toy Story 3 (G) 15. please confirm with The Last Airbender 8:00 9:30 10:00 10:30 12:30pm theater. (PG) 11:50 Toy Story 3 in Disney 1:30 4:00 7:00 9:30 Inception new! (PG-13) Digital 3D (G) Regal Columbia The A-Team (PG-13) 11:50am 12:40 1:20 11:30am 1:55 4:20 Cinema 7 1:20 4:10 7:10 9:50 3:00 4:00 4:40 5:15 6:50 9:20 3400 Forest Drive The Karate Kid (2010) 6:50 7:20 7:50 8:20 The Karate Kid (2010) Suite 3000, Columbia, (PG) 10:00 10:30 11:00 (PG) SC 29204 1:10 2:10 4:25 5:20 11:30 1:30 4:50 7:40 9:20 Despicable Me (PG) Inception new! (PG-13) Get Him to the Greek 12:20 2:40 5:10 7:40 Nickelodeon 12:20 12:50 3:40 4:10 (R) 10:05 http://www. 7:00 7:30 10:20 10:45 1:25 4:10 7:05 9:40 Despicable Me 3D nickelodeon.org/ 937 The Sorcerer’s Splice (R) (PG) Main Street Apprentice new! (PG) 2:00 4:40 7:20 9:55 Columbia, SC 11:30am 2:00 4:35 Just Wright (PG) 11:40am 2:00 4:20 JULY 23-24, Friday- 7:10 9:45 1:35 4:20 6:45 9:25 7:10 9:25 11:40 Saturday Predators (R) Letters to Juliet (PG) Predators (R) Friday and Saturday - 11:40am 2:10 4:50 1:10 4:05 6:40 9:20 2:30 4:55 10:15 10pm 7:50 10:30 The Twilight Saga: HOUSE Grown Ups (PG-13) AMC Dutch Square Eclipse (PG-13) Unaware that evil 11:50am 2:20 5:00 14 11:45am 2:25 5:05 spirits have taken 7:40 10:15 800 Bush River Rd., 7:55 10:40 over her invalid aunt’s Get Him to the Greek Columbia, SC 29210 Grown Ups (PG-13) isolated country (R) Ramona and Beezus 12:10 2:35 5:20 7:45 house, Oshare (Kimiko 12:00 2:30 5:10 8:00 new! (G, No Passes) 10:10 Ikegami) and six 10:35 11:45am 2:15 4:50 Knight and Day (PG- schoolgirl friends Iron Man 2 (PG-13) 7:25 9:55 13) arrive for a visit -- 1:30 4:20 7:20 10:10 Salt new! (PG-13, No 11:55am 7:35 only to face a slew of Passes) Toy Story 3 (G) preposterously freaky By Adam Cox of a reaction. The audience was enthralled, Carmike Wynnsong 10:10am 11:30am 12:15 2:45 events in Nobuhiko 10 12:40 2:00 3:10 4:30 Toy Story 3 in Disney Obayashi’s 1977 Breathtaking at moments, Inception literally on the edge of their seats. I 5320 Forest Drive, 5:40 7:00 8:10 9:25 Digital 3D (G) psychedelic nightmare. is a film that will entertain you as well as could hear every laugh, every groan, and Columbia, SC 29206 10:45 As the girls begin make you think. Directed by Christopher every cheer very clearly from all over the Ramona and Beezus Inception new! (PG-13, 11:35am 1:55 4:35 vanishing one by one, new! (G) No Passes) 7:05 9:35 12:00am the survivors encounter Nolan(Prestige, Memento, The Dark theater(and all at the right points too). The 1:35 4:15 7:00 9:30 9:50am 11:00am ravenous furniture, Knight), and featuring an all star cast, this script is well thought out, very thorough, Salt new! (PG-13) 11:55am 1:00 2:10 Regal Sandhill homicidal firewood, film is more than just good eye candy. and very engaging. 12:00 1:00 2:25 3:35 4:10 5:20 6:20 7:20 Stadium 16 450 Town a possessed piano 4:50 6:05 7:15 8:30 8:30 9:30 10:30 Center Place and other absurd and Leonardo Dicaprio leads as Dominic Cobb, The action is fun, and tends to be great 9:40 10:55 12:05am The Sorcerer’s Ramona and Beezus violent entities. alongside Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Michael eye candy with each new dream-based Despicable Me (PG) Apprentice new! (PG, new! (G) Caine, Ellen Paige, and Cillian Murphy, scenario. The score is strong and epic. 12:15 2:40 5:05 7:30 No Passes) 11:40am 2:15 4:45 JOAN RIVERS: A 9:50 10:20am 11:40am 7:20 9:50 12:15am PIECE OF WORK among others. The film takes place all over, It’s heavy on horns, and can sometimes be Despicable Me 3D 12:55 2:20 3:40 5:00 Salt new! (PG-13) JULY 23-29, Friday- in a world where we are able to explore the startling, but it adds to the tension and build- (PG) 6:15 7:40 10:20 11:30am 12:00 2:00 Thursday inner workings of our dreams. up of each scene amazingly. The cast gives Digital 3D Despicable Me (PG) 2:30 4:30 5:00 7:00 Friday, July 23 - 3:00, 12:25 2:50 5:15 7:40 10:00am 12:30 3:00 7:30 9:30 10:00 6:00 and 8:00 Cobb and his partner Arthur(Levitt) a great performance. The cinematography 10:00 5:30 8:00 10:30 12:00am 12:30am THERE WILL BE are assigned to Extract secrets for clients is beautiful. The CG is seamlessly applied The Last Airbender 3D Predators (R) Inception new! (PG-13) A JOAN RIVERS from the dreams of competitors, and other to each scene, never looking fake or out of (PG) 11:10am 1:50 4:40 11:50am 12:20 12:50 LOOK ALIKE Digital 3D 7:30 10:10 3:15 3:45 4:15 6:45 C O M P E T I T I O N important figures. They enter the dreams, place. I don’t have a bad thing to say about 1:45 4:45 6:45 9:15 The Last Airbender 7:15 7:45 10:10 10:40 BEFORE THE FRIDAY and look for a place where something is the film. The Twilight Saga: (PG) 11:10 8:00 SCREENING. hidden away. The film starts with them Watch Inception. It will require you Eclipse (PG-13) 9:55am 12:20 2:50 The Sorcerer’s Saturday, July 24 - 1:30 4:20 7:10 10:00 5:15 7:50 10:25 Apprentice new! (PG) 3:00, 6:00 and 8:00 performing said task on a man named to pay close attention, but is fully worth Knight and Day (PG- The Twilight Saga: 11:35am 2:20 4:20 Sunday, July 25 - 6:00 Saito(Ken Watanabe), who in turn tells it. If you want a movie not based around 13) Eclipse (PG-13) 4:55 7:05 7:35 9:40 and 8:00 them he’d like to hire them himself. But this an existing property, that has a wonderful 6:45 9:50 10:15am 1:15 4:15 10:15 12:10am Monday, July 26 - 6:00 Toy Story 3 (G) 7:15 10:15 Despicable Me (PG) and 8:00 time, rather than extraction, he wants to try director/writer, a great cast, grand music, 12:30 3:15 6:40 9:15 Grown Ups (PG-13) 2:40 5:10 7:40 10:05 Tuesday, July 27 - 6:00 an inception. He wants to add an idea, not that doesn’t disappoint, here it is. Toy Story 3 in Disney 10:05am 12:35 3:15 Open Captioned & and 8:00 take one away. In turn, he’ll let Cobb return Digital 3D (G) 5:45 8:15 10:40 Descriptive Audio Wednesday, July 28 - http://www.moviefilmreview.com/ Disney Digital 3D Knight and Day (PG- 12:15pm 3:00, 6:00 and 8:00 home after being away from his family for author/babyfacedbear 1:00 3:35 6:20 9:10 13) Despicable Me 3D Thursday, July 29 - so long. The Karate Kid (2010) 9:00pm (PG) 6:00 and 8:00 That’s about as far into the movie’s (PG) Toy Story 3 (G) 11:45am 2:10 4:40 12:30 3:30 11:05am 1:40 4:20 7:10 9:35 12:05am THE BIG MO plot as I’ll go, because this movie needs 6:55 9:35 Predators (R) MONETTA DRIVE- to be experienced rather than simply Carmike 14 The Karate Kid (2010) 12:05 2:35 5:05 8:00 IN summarized. The trailers give next to 122 Afton Court, (PG) 10:30 5822 Columbia Columbia, SC 29212 3:05pm The Last Airbender Highway North, M nothing away, making the film surprising Standing Ovation new! (PG) onetta SC 29105 open at every progressive turn. The film is long (PG) Regal Columbiana 11:55am 2:25 4:55 at 7pm and show starts (around two and a half hours), but it utilizes 1:40 4:15 6:50 9:15 Grande Stadium 14 7:25 9:55 12:20am at 8:45. The Sorcerer’s 1250 Bower Pkwy, The Twilight Saga: July 22,23 & 24 every minute to its advantage. Every scene Apprentice new! (PG) Columbia, SC 29212 Eclipse (PG-13) Screen 1 is bursting with plot progression, making it 1:15 2:20 3:50 5:00 Ramona and Beezus 1:15 4:05 6:55 9:45 Karate Kid hard to follow at first, but you get used to 6:25 7:30 9:00 10:00 new! (G) Grown Ups (PG-13) Salt The Last Airbender 3D 11:35am 2:10 4:45 12:10 2:45 5:15 7:50 Screen 2 it. I never knew what to expect next, and I (PG) 7:15 9:45 11:55 10:20 12:25am Inception suspect the rest of the audience felt the same Digital 3D Salt new! (PG-13) Knight and Day (PG- Knight and Day way. I’ve never seen a film with this kind 1:00 1:45 2:30 3:40 11:30am 12:00 12:30 13) July 22, 2010 13 Savage JONESIN’ CROSSWORDS Sex Advice “Last Chance, Harvey”--final words from the late Mr. Pekar. by Dan Savage by Matt Jones 59 Green organism 32 Spare part? Love 60 Final part of the quote 33 Female pig I was recently The odds that you contracted a sexually Across 63 Perrier competitor 35 Mongrels 1 Pro gp. 64 Hamilton vs. Burr, e.g. 36 Sleeping tool told that I am being transmitted infection from your sex worker are 5 Tarheel’s st. 65 Non-Hawaiian, in Hawaii 37 “What ___ to Wear” (TLC puritanical and self- very small. Unless the head of your cock had been 9 Fat-sounding fish 66 Take care of show) righteous because I can’t reduced to a raw and bloody pulp by that handjob, 13 Drying-out time 67 In ___ (intrinsically) 38 Hall and Oates, e.g. get over the fact that my and unless there was blood seeping out of her sore, 15 “Bitte ___” (2009 Dirty 68 Former U.N. Secretary- 39 DJ featured on MTV’s “The partner spends a good it’s unlikely that her blood got into your bloodstream Projectors album) General Kofi Grind” deal of time seeking out and, therefore, highly unlikely that you contracted 16 Wasted 40 Shrub that produces a drug pictures of very young anything more serious than a desire to inspect future 17 “The Devil Wears ___” Down 42 “A little bit of ___ get you up” girls to masturbate to. hires for puncture wounds. If anyone was at risk in 18 Watchman’s shout 1 Dada artist Jean (Mark Knopfler, “Junkie Doll”) 19 Uncle in a rarely-released 2 Golf great ___ Pak 43 Hello, in Beijing Nothing illegal, he says, but still... the situation you described in such colorful detail, Disney movie 3 Al who was ordained a minister 44 First word of an Indiana Jones He admits to having a 20-year-plus addiction CRUST, it was her, the sex worker who foolishly 20 First part of a Harvey Pekar at age 10 complaint to porn, and with that particular addiction, he says, rubbed your semen into an open sore. quote 4 Advocate-turned-presidential 45 Go back through comes the need to continue upping the taboo factor 23 Second part of the quote candidate Ralph 46 Audrey Tautou role in order to get off. I can understand the natural My wife left me a few weeks ago because she 24 Squealer 5 Feature of seven Nolan Ryan 48 Look to escalation from traditional porn to something more discovered an affair that I had a few years ago, ended, 26 Driller’s deg. performances 49 Lansbury of “Murder, She risqué, and I’m fine with him watching chicks with and then kept from her. In the years since the affair, 27 Angular pipe fitting 6 Wacked out Wrote” dicks defecate in each other’s mouths until his eyes I recommitted myself to our marriage and became a 28 They’re checked at liquor 7 Roman ___ (novel type) 50 ___ Island Ferry stores 8 Noisy toy 52 Key in that piano song played bleed, because those she-males are consenting adults. more attentive husband. My wife is hurt and furious, 31 Love, Latin American style 9 Largest of the Greek islands with your knuckles Eight-year-old girls, however, are innocents and for weeks would only call me to talk about getting 33 Instructions part 10 It may be relative to a 54 “They go”, in Spanish preyed upon by pedophiles and people with child- a divorce. Three nights ago, my wife told me she is 34 “Don’t ___” (“Hitchhiker’s meteorologist 57 “Terrance and Phillip in Not lust disorders, in my opinion, and I think a rational pregnant. She still wants a divorce, but she also Guide” motto) 11 E pluribus ___ Without My ___” (“South Park” adult, even in the throes of sexual whimsy, should wants our child to grow up in a stable environment, 36 Comes to a stop 12 Bible divs. episode) recognize that boundary and not cross it. My question so she says she will forgive me to an extent so we 40 In a playfully reluctant way 14 Made some barnyard noises 58 Tournament gimmes is this: Is it considered typical sexual behavior for a can have an amicable relationship for the sake of our 41 Third part of the quote 16 Speak slowly 61 Brian who scored the child. Last night, I went over to her new apartment 44 Mrs., in Madrid 21 It closes some businesses in soundtrack to “The Lovely guy who’s really into porn to seek out YouTube videos 47 Insincere language Europe Bones” of 10-year-old ballerinas without having any kind of and we had the first decent conversation we’ve had in 48 Dorm supervisors 22 “Malcolm in the Middle” dad 62 Letters found on many sunless pathological inclination toward pedophilia? months. She promised me that I can be a very active 51 Old enemy 24 Young Jeezy’s genre tanning products He Says I’ve Turned Into My Born-Again- part of our child’s life, which basically means I have 53 Fourth part of the quote 25 Doc bloc Christian Mother an all-access pass into her life, too. 55 First in the Hebrew alphabet 29 Tierra ___ Fuego ©2010 Jonesin’ Crosswords I love my wife and miss her so much. I want to 56 “Mr. Loverman” dancehall 30 One of a few Russians in 2010 ([email protected]) “Whimsy” is not a word I would associate with be a good father and do what’s right for my child. In singer Ranks news your boyfriend’s actions. part, I think that means staying married to my wife. Your partner is chock full o’ shit, HSITIMBACM, Would it be wrong or immoral of me to use our child as my own experiences with porn demonstrate: I’ve as an excuse to spend more time with her in the hopes been consuming gay porn for 20-plus years now, that we can reconcile? For the next seven months, and I have yet to “escalate” to YouTube videos of I can go with her to doctor appointments, Lamaze 10-year-old boys doing whatever it is 10-year-old classes, baby stores—to say nothing of when our boys do in the videos they upload to YouTube. (Are child arrives. Or would that be irresponsible? they jumping on trampolines? Lighting their farts? Can’t Handle A Divorce Writing Sarah Palin’s Facebook status updates? I don’t know because I’ve never checked.) As reconciling with the wife would be in the Backing up: It’s usually duly closeted members best interests of your soon-to-be-born child, CHAD, of the religious right who run around claiming that spending more time with the wife in the hopes porn consumers seeking new thrills quickly progress of reconciling would be the right and moral and from softcore to hardcore to kink to kiddie to kids. responsible thing to do. Just don’t be sneaky about I believe your partner—lying piece of shit that he it, CHAD, as the wife clearly doesn’t appreciate your is—has latched on to the rhetoric and reasoning of sneaking around. Tell her you still hope to reconcile, antiporn crusaders because (1) he doesn’t want to and ask if you can schedule some counseling sessions take responsibility for his actions (“Woe is me, the for after your Lamaze classes. helpless porn addict...”), and (2) he has no intention of stopping. I’ve been spending my summer vacation Hopefully your partner hasn’t “escalated” reading through the Savage Love archives on your to actual kiddie porn yet, HSITIMBACM, and is new Savage Love iPhone app. I was wondering if you only repurposing the odd ballet-recital video. But ever heard from any of those people again, telling you his attempts to rationalize and shift blame—to say how things resolved? I would like to think that people nothing of his efforts to convince you that you’re the were able to work through their mismatched-interest one with the problem—are ominous warning signs. issues with partners, or that the poor guy with the His is the kind of deeply fucked-up, sociopathic botched circumcision whose penis no longer had a reasoning you hear from guys who are consuming head was able to get some sexual satisfaction. actual child porn and/or raping actual children. Inquiring Mind Your boyfriend has a problem, not you; he needs help, not YouTube. I’m taking a couple of weeks off later in August, and if anyone who’s taken my advice and lived— Here’s what happened: I just had sex with a street lived to tell the tale, lived happily ever after, lived hooker. After cleaning her hands with alcohol-based to regret it—would like to write in, please do. Your lotion, she jerked me off. When I came, she rubbed letters would provide welcome updates for curious the head of my penis all over one of her cheeks. When readers like IM here and a nice couple of easy-to- we were cleaning up, I saw she had something on her compile, easy-to-file vacation columns for me. So face. She said she had been injured in a fight with a your updates don’t get lost in the swamp, please send screwdriver some days ago, and although there was ‘em to [email protected]. no blood on this “sore,” she had removed a crust from it before meeting me. This sore was not open, CONFIDENTIAL TO ARGENTINA: but it was somewhat raw. My question is, what risk of Congratulations. STIs is there? Herpes? Hepatitis? AIDS? Can’t Relax Unsafe-Sex Tension Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.mail@ You had me at “fight with a screwdriver,” savagelove.net CRUST; there was really no need to include that detail about the crust. 14 July 22, 2010 July 22, 2010 15