Thursday 12 February 2004 Published by the USSU Communications Office issue number 1074 free www.ussu.co.uk

THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER

IN THIS WEEK ’ S PAPER COMMUNICATIONS THE BIG VOTE On Monday 16th February barefacts gives you the low COMMENT | Simon Peasley on Thunder, GU2 hite the FM airwaves down on the Big Vote 2004, with thunder, thunder, thundercats! | page 5 for a whole month. details of all the candidates in the UNION | Carol Main on more exciting barefacts brings you more opportunities with ‘V’ | page 8 Sabbatical elections, and how to on everything GU2... SPORT | Federal Sports Day, and more from vote by post... GU2 | page 7 the USSU Sports Clubs | pages 23 & 24 News | Below The Big Vote is here

BY SARAH BUTTERWORTH The 15 NUS Conference candidates range EDITOR IN CHIEF from first years to current Sabbatical Officers. At the NUS National Conference ON F RIDAY F EBRUARY 6th nominations the winning delegates will play a part in closed for this year’s ‘Big Vote’, the deciding NUS policy for the future, as well Sabbatical Elections 2004. After years of as electing in the NUS Executive Officers waning interest in the Sabbatical positions, for the coming year, including the new NUS many were shocked and pleased by the President announcement that there are 22 students Campaigning starts on Monday 16 th contesting the positions this year. There are February at 10am, when candidates will be also 15 students running in the election for allowed to start canvassing in person, putting delegates to the NUS National Conference, up their posters and banners and answering which is held in Blackpool at the end of questions from students at Question Time, March. and on the Union Bulletin Board. Question The most hotly contested position is that Time takes place on Thursday 19th February, of Vice President Education and Welfare, and is an opportunity for students to hear the with five candidates running, as well as the Sabbatical candidates talk in person about option of Re-Open Nominations, an option their thoughts, ideas and plans for the next which appears in every election. Over the year. Candidates will also be around campus past three years there have been only four and the Union during the two weeks of candidates for the position, with it being campaigning to talk to students and answer deputy returning officer scott farmer brief sabbatical & NUS candidates on friday | photo: chris hunter uncontested apart from RON in 2001 and any questions. 2002, so the number of candidates this year The all important voting week takes place is particularly impressive. from Monday 23 rd February at 10am to For the position of President of the Friday 27 th February at noon. There will Students’ Union there are four real life be polling stations around campus from Sabbatical Candidates 2004 candidates, a twofold increase on last year’s 10am until 4pm, located in the Lecture elections. For the newly altered position Theatre Concourse, Library entrance and President Vice President Education & Welfare of Vice President Communications, the the Students’ Union reception, as well as Richard Benson Lynnette Atkins Sabbatical position with the responsibility various other locations in the evenings. This Oliver Harmer Jane Birch for all Union media, including barefacts, is your chance to have your say in who will Hashim Alsaidi Zoe Kilb there are four candidates, all coming from run the Union next year – The Sabbaticals James Butcher Hayley James the realms of barefacts or GU2. coordinate everything, from barefacts to Re-Open Nominations Ewan Panter Vice President Societies and Culture, a Societies to events to representing you Re-Open Nominations position which was uncontested other than on high up University Committees. The Vice President Communications RON last year, has drawn four candidates, winners will have a real impact on the lives Neil Boulton Vice President Societies & Culture all of whom have been involved in various of students at the University of Surrey, so Hasan Akil Simon Nutbrown different societies in recent years. After a make the most of your vote, and use it Chris Ward Samantha Stevens late withdrawal, there are three candidates wisely. Catherine Lee Martin Stylski for the position of Vice President Sports. You will be able to see candidates’ Re-Open Nominations Andrew Gough The new job of Vice President Postgraduate manifestos, showing their ideas and plans Re-Open Nominations Affairs, which was created after Union for the future, online at www.ussu.co.uk Council in December has drawn two from Monday 16th February, and in next Vice President Sports candidates from the Undergraduate and week’s Elections Special issue of barefacts. Sarah Taylor Vice President Postgraduate Affairs Postgraduate communities. The winner If you are away on placement, or not in Stephanie Millington Diane Carter of this election will have an exciting and Guildford on Thursday 19th February, you David Glossop Rachel Appleyard challenging year, being the first Vice will also be able to watch the webcast of Re-Open Nominations Re-Open Nominations President Postgraduate Affairs in the UK. Question Time online at www.ussu.co.uk.

The Vice Chancellor | page 3 Letters | page 4 Big Fish | page 14 Interactive | page 20 2 NEWS 12 February 2004 One Labour Rebel on Fees Committee EDITORIAL TEAM 2003-4 BY PHILIP HOWARD is a pity that it does not refl ect he feelings on the variable fees part of the bill, hoping to Editor in Chief NEWS EDITOR the fl oor. The government does not want to remove them at the report stage. Mandy Sarah Butterworth concede too much at the committee stage.” Telford, president of the NUS, was still comms THE GOVERNMENT HAS announced the group @ussu.co.uk Among the Labour MPs are two education unfazed: “we remain confi dent that the of MPs who will constitute the committee ministers, Alan Johnson and Ivan Lewis. Mr deep-rooted opposition to parts of this to assess and report on the Higher Education Willis commented on some of the absent bill will stop variable top-up fees bring Editor Bill, passed at it’s second reading to much names: “It is a shame that Gibson and introduced despite the government’s best Chris Ward consternation. Farrelly are not there. They have brought a efforts to the contrary.” cs21cw Among the members of the committee are great deal to the debate and Paul [Farrelly] @surrey.ac.uk 17 labour MPs, of whom just one is a labour has been denied an opportunity to speak on rebel, voting against the bill at its second the fl oor of the house.” He is pleased to see Deputy Editor reading. The committee will be chired by certain names on the list, however: “I am Neil Christie Labour MP Jimmy Hood and Conservative pleased that Mudie and Campbell are there, ms33nc MP Roger Gale. Hood is an old labour and Time Boswell because he brings a great @surrey.ac.uk leftwinger, and Gale is vice-chairman of the deal of experience and a sane and calm Conservative Party. voice to the committee. But I could not say Deputy Editor The government has received a lot of that this is a balanced committee.” Ben Berryman criticism for the bias shown in the choice The bill next goes to the committee stage, ma91bb of committee members - despite 72 labour where the committee debates the issues in @surrey.ac.uk MPs rebelling, only one of them has been the bill and reports to parliament before picked. The balance of members (excluding the third reading in the Commons. The Music Editor the chairs) will be 16 Labour MPs, 6 committee is widely expected to focus on Matt Badcock Conservative, 1 member of the Welsh Plaid the issues of the students’ adjudicator and ms01mb Cymru party and 2 Lib Dems. the setting up of Offa, rather than top-up @surrey.ac.uk Soon-to-be member Phil Willis, Lib Dem fees. MP, told education.guardian.co.uk: “They Instead, rumours are growing that there Music Editor are stuffi ng [the committee] with loyalists. It will be a new all-party alliance opposing Jon Allen bs21ja @surrey.ac.uk Poorer Applicants Favoured Channie’s Live Film Editor Government Higher Education admissions review shows that some Universities Neil Boulton CHANCELLORS NOW BOASTS a live open-mic favour ‘disadvantaged’ students, over those from higher income backgrounds. night on Sundays. The event has so far cs21nb @surrey.ac.uk been a total success, bringing in many more BY CHRIS WARD Levels. Oxbridge immediately dismissed numbers than the usual Chancellor’s Sunday EDITOR the proposals. Schwartz is heading the night punter population. The start of the Theatre Editor government taskforce on university term saw acoustic bands such as Alchemy Daisy Clay A GOVERNMENT REVIEW of higher education admissions. and Yellow Car. Last week, the open-mic ps21dc admissions has exposed that a large majority 71% of higher education institutions stated night was introduced. Hosted by MaD @surrey.ac.uk of higher education institutions agree with that it was “fair” to give students an offer Soc’s resident nutter Chris “Rael” Jones, offering places to poorer students from based on lower grades if they originate from many students got involved and provided Literature Editor “disadvantaged” backgrounds on the a disadvantaged background, whereas 25% Chancellors with excellent performances Jennifer Walker basis of lower grades. According to the disagreed. 65% thought that other factors and an enjoyable atmosphere. ph21jw report, these universities support the bias should be taken into account, such as the Due to the success of the events, the Sunday @surrey.ac.uk towards students from poorer schools, as size of the classes at the school the pupil acoustic nights are set to continue with gigs they argue they are taking into account the comes from. However, 52% were concerned from both rock and jazz groups gracing the “obstacles” these students may have faced that allowing some candidates in with lower stage over the rest of the semester. This News Editor when applying for a top higher education grades than others could expose universities Sunday sees local rockers Phoenix Red Philip Howard institute. to litigation. The report is based upon the playing an acoustic set. Entry for all these ph02ph The report is being published by Professor government’s plans to widen participation, gigs is free and bands are usually on stage @surrey.ac.uk Steven Schwartz of Brunel University, where higher education institutes will have from 8pm. If anyone has any demos or who recently suggested to Oxbridge that to prove their commitment to fair access if would like to recommend a band then please Sports Editor they reserve “wild card” places for state they wish to charge top up fees. contact the Restaurant Managers Rob Ellis Peter Nichols school students who excel in their A- or Stella Webb for more details. cs11pn @surrey.ac.uk barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper AGMs& notices ‘Fiesta’ hosted by the La Latina Society - 26th of February 2004 in and is published by the University of Surrey the HRB (Helen Rose Bar) from 9pm till 2am. Entry £2 before 10: CONTRIBUTORS Students’ Union Communications Office. Russian Society AGM | 6pm | 19 30pm and £4 thereafter. Matt Adams Chris Hunter The views expressed within the paper are those of February | Lecture Theatre A individual authors and do not necessarily represent Hasan Akil Catherine Lee conservative society advertisement John Broadbent Carol Main the views of the Editor, the University of Surrey Korean Society AGM | 7pm | 19 Dave Chapman Dina Mystris Students’ Union or the University of Surrey. This February | Committee Room publication may not be reproduced in whole or Jonathan Darzi Ewan Panter it’s big... in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, Conservative Society AGM | 7pm | Rachael Dobbs Simon Peasley without the express permission of the publisher Mike Field Paul Sanderson 20th February | Committee Room beforehand. it’s getting bigger... Matt Fisher Sandeep Sohal All submissions must include the author’s name Christian Union AGM | 8.15pm | 4th Claire Hathaway Neil Tallack and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no March | Tree Top in Wates House it will soon be the biggest guarantee of publication. Articles submitted Anonymously and Pseudonymously will not Design & Layup: be published. submit your articles ...are you big enough to fi nd out more? Sarah Butterworth barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. online... [email protected] | WWW.USSU.CO.UK email barefacts Pete Nichols | Ben Berryman © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2004 Chris Ward Printed by Sharman and Co. Printers: @ussu.co.uk society.conservative.com Peterborough | Tel: 01733 424949 12 February 2004 NEWS 3 Vice Chancellor Responds over Fees barefacts’ News Editor Philip Howard takes a trip to the eighth fl oor of Senate House and interviews the Vice Chancellor about the events that have unfolded over the past few weeks, and ‘that front page’ of barefacts.

In an interview with barefacts’ news editor, to students from which we need to supplement or subsidise students coming in the Vice-Chancellor Patrick Dowling whatever source, spend money, fi rst there then I think we’ve got a national duty explained the university’s position over particularly from of all, are the to do it.” fees. Of the exchange of press releases last fi nancially poor students, though in Professor Dowling was also asked how he week between the union and the university homes, or non- many ways we expected the balance of undergraduate and he said: “as I made it quite clear to the traditional give back that postgraduate student numbers to change in sabbaticals, no decision has been reached.” families. I money to the the future: “I certainly would expect to see Professor Dowling defended his position welcome the students; spend it the postgraduate population increasing, and on fees, and his proposal to charge full fees opportunity to on staff, which are I would expect to see the undergraduate across the board: “the situation is very very dismantle that - even in the words course increasing at a rather slower rate clear, and that is that after a period in which barrier, and so I of the Prime because the government has put restrictions the unit of resource in universities has been am in favour of widening participation, and Minister - are underpaid for what they do, on the funding of undergraduate courses.” constantly reduced and just recently allowing people who can benefi t from and improving the infrastructure.” The VC He continued: “But we will compensate stabilised, the only opportunity in my university to benefi t from it. So I very much takes pride in the positive impressions that by putting on courses which are using lifetime which has presented itself - that is welcome that.” He pays mention to the given by the campus as a whole: “The different modes of delivery - outside this 40 years in the education sector - to bring provision of increased loans and grants: “I students on their own admission tell me that campus, encouraging part-time work-based additional money has been presented by the also welcome that there is more money up this is a beautiful campus; this is a nice learning, encouraging all the other modes bill, and had its second reading in front for students, that they can pay that place to be, they enjoy it.” He explained of delivery. I want to continue to have a Parliament, and that appears to be the only back when they have suffi cient funding to that he was concerned about the future high quality undergraduate cohort here, thing on offer, and my major concern is for do so. And I think that’s much better than students of the university - current students which we have, the very lifeblood of the the future of this university, and the future an alternative proposal.” are “happy, in general, and so if I have on university”. He tried to allay fears of Surrey of the students at this university.” The VC also made specifi c mention of overriding concern it’s for the future losing undergraduates altogether: “without The VC sees no alternative option part-time students, who currently receive generations of students - it’s not so much them, there would be very little point. There available to bring in extra funding, no government help: “I’m concerned about for the students we have here ... but it is the is no intention of turning this into a necessary for the future of Surrey: “It part-time students - it’s not clear whether next generation of students.” research institute with no undergraduate would have been unthinkable if we did not this also will affect part-time students, and The VC also voiced his concerns that the students”. take the opportunity to receive some part-time students are probably 50% of the university remains stable, should the The VC later responded to a question additional money to help us secure the total number of students that go to unthinkable happen: “I postulated that about how the fl at fee regime would affect future of the university. I think we have a university at this moment in time. So there anything could happen, for example, we students’ perceptions: “Which stop people duty of care to do that, and at the end of the are other things to be fought for and won, rely ... on overseas students’ fees, quite a coming? I don’t think it’s going to go, as day, any decisions have to go through the you know, there’s more lobbying to be lot, to give us the fees to support what we long as our courses are better than most proper procedure.” Referring to the done, shall we say.” do for our home students here. Nobody other people’s. We’ve got some very accusations of failing to consult students on Prof. Dowling also explained that the imagines that one thousand two hundred interesting things happening.” He then decisions, he continued “We can make university will be monitoring reactions pounds is the full economic cost of the mentioned a new course to be run from proposals - we can propose all we like, but from prospective students, as to whether the course - so we have to have other ways of September 2005: “we’re introducing a if they’re not ratifi ed by Senate, if they’re loan repayments will present a barrier to making money, and anything could happen; course in politics and international policy. not ratifi ed by the fi nance committee, not middle class students: “Well, that certainly the portfolio could become totally This’ll be the fi rst time we’ve put on a ratifi ed by Council, then they would not be remains to be monitored - we’d have to unbalanced - suddenly SARS spreads over course in politics in this university - that’s accepted. There is student representation on monitor it; I suspect it won’t. I suspect it south east asia, we would be devastated, due to be introduced in September 2005, a all of those.” won’t - any research that’s been done to and so we would be very foolish not to try lot of interest in it.” He also offered an explanation of the date suggests that that will not be a barrier, and have a new source of income to ensure He again emphasized that he was not timing of the university’s press release but I was very relieved to see that the the future stability of the university, for neglecting the School of Arts: “So I’m concerning new bursaries, and mentioning government are going to monitor it, and future generations of students and staff. I about strengthening our School of Arts and the proposal to charge full fees: “It’s quite review it after three years”. live in the real world, we all live in the real its offerings. Law, which is housed within clear that nearly every vice chancellor in Some students questioned the intention to world; we can postulate as much as we like Arts, is going from strength to strength. the land knew that this was the only charge the full fee across the board, asking about what we might do in the perfect Languages, I’ve told you about, that I’m opportunity going to be presented itself, about the variability of fees, and he world, but this is not a perfect world.” concerned and we need it to take whatever and they wanted to give maximum support responded: “The issue on the variability When questioned on how he thought the action is necessary to strengthen the uptake to Parliament, to make sure - was again there was no Plan B; that was an bursaries might affect student fees, he in languages.” He later continued: “I’m also Parliamentarians - to make sure that the bill essential part of the government’s package. explained the focus of the courses mention: very keen on fi ne arts and performing arts. I went through, because if the bill had fallen If we did not back variability it was not “Well, I’ve just fl oated that as a proposal don’t think you need to go very far to have at that stage, in the words of the Prime going to go through, simple as that.” and I’m not saying that it would be. I’m that demonstrate I take a very keen interest Minister, and the minister, ‘there was no However, he acknowledged that the courses concerned about areas ... which I consider in the architecture of the new buildings. I plan b’. And there wouldn’t have been for are different: “nobody can seriously argue to be of national importance. And they take a very keen interest in the art, music quite a long time. The timing, I suppose, that ... they are all the same; that the cost of include areas certainly that underpin the and performing arts on this campus. I have was coincident with it to try and get the educating a doctor is the same as the cost of new knowledge economy in science and supported, together with Sir Rupus Pierce, maximum support for the bill. Which educating a philosopher, and so I can technology.” He also mentioned his the proposition of putting 1% of our capital anybody who would lobby would do, I understand the principle of why you might concerns over other courses: “Certainly it funding into arts and humanising the mean just the same way as I would lobby have variable fees.” He then explained the includes those areas, particularly university, and if you look in my entry in for any particular thing that I thought was proposal: “Why would I recommend, or engineering and technology. But it also who’s who and elsewhere you’ll see that in the interests of the university. It wasn’t would I suspect, or propose that we would includes modern languages - there, there that’s one of my interests. Anyone who orchestrated by me, incidentally”. charge the maximum amount is because it’s has been a tremendous drop-off of interest thinks ‘he’s a clodhopper from wherever it Sympathy was offered for students in what everyone else in the country will do, in modern languages.” Continuing, he is’...” response to the letter on the front page of and if we were to charge less than that it defended the choice of subjects: “it’s not He fi nished with a parting reminder of the January 29th barefacts: “I feel with the would be sending out a signal which would just related to engineering or science. It’s what the university is: “’We are the students, any concerns about additional be totally at variance with a research-strong wherever it is, in the national opinion, university’. We all are the university. The burdens on student fi nance, but the reality university - that somehow we were into cut- important to recruit students and if we have university is the staff and the students, the is that I welcome the government’s price education.” the fl exibility of being able to use our gardener, the guy who cleans the toilet - it’s intention to reduce the fi nancial obstacles - He continued: “The important areas in money to encourage that, or make do, or to not just the students. It’s everybody.” 4 LETTERS 12 February 2004 Letters to barefacts Letters must be received by 12pm on the Friday before publication to be published in the next newspaper. opinion Letters may be edited for length or clarity | [email protected] Dear barefacts,

A thousand students live in Park Barn and Westborough - that’s one in ten residents. It is highly likely that this Hope you enjoy barefacts this week. number will increase as the University continues to expand. It’s been a labour of love, and a time There is a community development agency here called consuming one at that! It’s 5.30pm on Community Works and we have an appeal to make to Wednesday, the paper should be at the students: Even though you may only be with us for a printers, and for some reason noone couple of years here please think of Park Barn as your on the layup team, including myself, home. We welcome the vibrancy and fun that students realised that there was nothing for bring to an area and the regeneration that a local barefacts opinion..... university brings. You, the students, are one of our most valuable resoures- so please make your home with us! .... until now.... That means treating it like your home town or village though. There is so much potential in all of you to help us transform so I guess that, this week, barefacts is our community. It is great to see some of you starting to unfortunately opinionless. broaden your horizons, (and your CV’s). Please come and get involved: get to know your neighbours, recycle your Happy reading. waste, help keep the environment clean and most of all- GET INVOLVED SOCIALLY. Through Carol Main at the USSU Dear barefacts Love from Sarah xxxxx V-Project and Community Works you can help out in Youth Clubs, at the day centre, in kids groups, up at the allotments, It is with great interest that we have followed recent events in the parks and through the local paper amongst other things. regarding higher education, particularly the university’s We’ll help you think up and start up brand new projects, stance on the proposed increase of tuition fees. After campaigns or groups because for people like you the sky is studying the university’s press release, we welcome UniS the limit, (and don’t worry about the dosh- thats covered!). intending to offer scholarships to undergraduates studying Thanks- and good luck with your studies, (and the rest!), engineering and science based courses. We fi nd it hard to understand the negative reaction this has generated from YOURS, the barefacts community. Surely increasing the number ANDY TRENIER of students graduating from these courses is good, not COMMUNITY DEVELOPMENT WORKER only for the university, but for the national economy as COMMUNITY WORKS a whole. We believe this should be seen as benefi cial to science based degrees and not detrimental to courses For more information about such as music. Unfortunately, there is a shortfall in volunteering in the Park higher education funding which somehow needs to be Barn area, on anywhere addressed. Why should UniS be chastised for a decision else, contact Carol Main at which we believe in time other institutes will replicate? [email protected], or pop into the Activities Centre in KIND REGARDS. the Students’ Union LEON AND KEVIN SCHOOL OF ENGINEERING UNDERGRADUATES

University of Surrey Care Services

Health Centre The University of Surrey Students’ Union Bottom of University Court, opposite bus stop at the top Provides help and advice on academic problems as well of Yorkies Bridge. as welfare issues. Tel: 01483 689051 or ext 9051 (internal) Located in Activities Centre in Union Building Tel: 01483 689228 (VP Education and Welfare, internal Open: Monday - Friday | all year round ext 9228) Semester: 9am - 6pm | Vacation: 9am - 4.30pm Open: Monday to Friday | all year round Emergency Nurse available 24hrs, during semester The Student Advice & Information Service (SAIS) Counselling Service Wey Flat 2, Surrey Court, by University Hall Ground fl oor of House 23, University Court, between the Tel: 01483 689261 or ext 9261 (internal) Duke of Kent building and the Health Centre. Open: Monday to Friday | all year round Tel: 01483 689498 or ext. 9498 (internal) Semester: 10am - 4pm | Vacation | 11am - 3pm Open: Monday - Friday | all year round Closed: Mondays, 9am - 1pm Semester: 9am - 12pm | Vacation| 9am - 12pm A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the Chaplaincy For more information contact size of a tennis court! Bourne Flat, Surrey Court - Opposite Seasons Restaurant www.ussu.co.uk

www.gu2.co.uk Claire Iles on [email protected] or www.ussu.co.uk/barefacts Tel: 01483 682754 or ext 2754 (internal) (01483) (68)9228 barefacts | be heard Open Lunch: Thursdays 1pm - 2pm 12 February 2004 COMMENT 5 Past Refreshed NME Awards: 2004 Simon Peasley takes a trip down memory lane and revisits those hal- Neil Christie takes a trip down to Portsmouth for the lowed days when children’s television was actually good... annual NME awards, and likes what he sees.

For the second time in really horny bastards and we get a lot of sex Recently, the coveted pages of Barefacts itself: ‘Cool Runnings’. There is no need two weeks I’m writing about a novel (ish) on the road” immediately drew my inner- have been a breeding ground for ill for Hobbits when Bill Murray and experience. I’m a bit worried about what self to thinking about taking up a career in temper among the students, Dan Aykroyd are kicking next week has in store for me, because at rock music. After hearing the fi rst two acts the sabbaticals and staff paranormal butt. Who this rate it could be something like cordless my mind was made up – “this is for me”. of the University. needs Bullet-Time bungee jumping. But alas, once again I shed The music was fantastic, I could feel my Top-up fees and when you’ve got my Essex roots and head to the NME Award neck aching from the head-banging I sub- the University’s a Dolerean that Tour in Portsmouth. I was promised more consciously had subscribed to, and I was stance over the can travel back bass than the two 14” speakers in the back feeling an incessant drawing feeling to the whole issue in time? Those of my mate’s Saxo, so felt compelled to see mosh pit in the middle of the arena. has taken pesky kids, if this could live up to such a feat. With lyrics like “go down, go down, go up a lot of that’s who. It has to be said, I was a bit apprehensive down” is it really any wonder I wasn’t column space. Of course about going to the NME Awards tour. feeling in my element? The Von Bondies As serious as much of the Although I listen to pretty much any music, – a name to remember. Buy their album these issues past can stay it has to be said I don’t frequent gigs as much – it’s out on the 9th February. As I write this are, we should there. And as I would raves. Glow sticks replaced I don’t have it. When you read it, I will. I take a moment those trying to with ‘illegal cigarettes’ seems like a poor digress, the emotions were running high. I to breath. Only get Peter Andre selection to me. However, I was optimistic was even having a sadistic enjoyment of so much can be re-released should and ended up having one of the best nights the ridiculously bright lights shining in my achieved my mouthing- recall how much they yet, from start right through to the fi nish. eyes and making them water (along with off other people. ‘Frankie hated the guy (‘s music). First of all – thanks to who ever it was that the smoke and beer fl ying everywhere). In says relax!’ This article will bring Not only do we yearn for the left £20 in the ATM machine outside the addition to the music making my ears bleed back some good memories, and reveal the past, but we certainly laugh at it too, The union. Not only did you fund our (myself (again – positioning ourselves next to rather shortcomings of the present. Spice Girls and pretty much all pop songs and Matt Adams – who’s written a more large speakers towered on top of one another People look upon life with certain circa 1989 – 1997. But when you think informative report on the music in this wasn’t the brightest thing we could have nostalgia. Mine normally hits when about it (concentrate now) even songs by week’s barefacts) McDonalds on the way done), it was heavenly. The crowd surfers I’m watching TV and one of these new “artists”, such as Gary Barlow and Boyzone there, but also our drinks for the evening. were my idols, and the tongue-tied security ‘Pokewiener’ cartoons comes on. I ask are better than the crap on the radios now, We had a great night, thank you. However guards suddenly had a job that would appeal myself “What the hell happened to all the i.e. The Fast Food Rockers. The Fast Food next time you want to check your balance, to me if I didn’t make it ‘big time’. good cartoons? Transformers, Thundercats! Rockers just defi nes this era of nonsense pop avoid hitting “withdraw cash”! To be fair, But wait…it was all far too good to be The misinformed youth of today need that sounds more like the noises made after a we did try and fi nd who it was that left the true. The third act, “The Rapture”, came you!” I think the parents of yesteryear bit too much vindaloo rather than music. money there – but thought it must be a sign and spoiled all my dreams. Sorry if I’m even preferred the songs that accompanied Obviously this is a lighthearted refl ection of things to come. And we were right! insulting anyone’s tastes here, but they those cartoons: “Thunder, thunder, thunder, on a time less complicated for all of us Portsmouth Pyramid Centre. Basically, sucked far greater than a Dyson cleaner in Thundercats!” compared to some rap and there are many things in the past that a big theatre type place on the seafront. comparison to what we heard both before about ‘Pokewieners!’ Sometimes it feels should not be conjured up, but a part of When driving to the venue, we had already and after. The night’s sting was taken out by like everything that is good in the world is me will always crave one more series of decided to hunt out the nearest McDonalds. their set. I could have reproduced the same locked up in the past and is only accessible Thundercats or one more Christmas when I After about a 12 minute drive we found one, kind of sounds they were making by offering if you’re watching UK Gold. Dammit, actually got cool presents such as Lego ships and proceeded to use three vouchers to get a guitar and microphone hooked up to a ten somebody bring back Noel’s House party! and He-Man fi gurines. (between us) 2 Big Macs, 2 Quarter-pounder giga-watt system to my three year old niece People yearn for the past, it seems like such So, my friends, it’s time to think of ways to with Cheese meals, and 2 McChicken at the time she’s throwing a tantrum. It was a safe place. If the kids today could speak bring back the good old days of Gladiators Sandwiches. A hearty feast indeed! The shockingly awful. Strangely, not all of the (since they all have speech impediments and refreshers bars, Mutant Turtles and Saved guy behind the counter clearly didn’t want crowd shared this view. However, most of after watching too much teletubbies) they by the Bell. Write to your local MP, canvass to enforce the bold rules on the back which the crowd were probably stoned, hammered, would ask what we did back in the day, support from your parents who stated “no more than one voucher to be or over-tired so it doesn’t stand up to much. before the Internet, text messages and probably preferred buying redeemed per person per day”. So we took the opportunity to have a look having sex at 11. You can answer that you Lego/Barbie rather £7 (of someone else’s cash) later and we at the merchandise on offer and get another yourselves but mine would generally than your younger brother/ were stuffed – so on to the venue. drink (also free – ta again to the money evoke memories of having fun with sister who now wants Now, I don’t know a lot about ‘music’ (i.e. fritterer) and escape the sweating maul of friends at school singing, “When I something called a Neo- things not made on a computer and released bodies. Come Around” by Green Day, Pet, organise protest on CDs starting “Underground…”), but The fi nal act – and if there are hopes of me Christmases receiving marches around upon entering two things hit me. Firstly, mentioning any more names or bands in this Lego and summers ITV, tell them we the absolute stonker of a choon that was article let them be quashed now as I don’t spent doing pretty liked the old series being performed. Secondly, I’d walked have a clue, were also good. Matt found much nothing. of Power Rangers back into my school hall and it was, in fact, them “too heavy” for his liking, but with Oh, happy days. much more. The Battle of the Bands for Charity week. There my uber-frame I managed to support their Even movies world leaders were kids that shouldn’t have been out that weight and appreciate the return of head- were better back need to know. late, let alone drinking – and parents being banging sounds. then, I’m talking Forget the talk ushered towards the back. The ‘student’ All in all, a mighty fi ne time. One issue I about the proper about Top-up 19-24 year old population was somewhat did have was with the “more bass” claim. cheese adventures fees; the kids of lacking in number, but we acted immaturely All I can say is that until you’ve fully movies such today wont get to enough to stand out so that was just as well! appreciated a sound test on a fully ICE’d as ‘Back To University if they First things fi rst, grab a beer. Secondly, motor, don’t go making rash assumptions, The Future’ and keep watching admire the talent on offer. Thirdly, watch and if Matt’s ears have stopped ringing by ‘Ghostbusters’. As Barney. the performance on stage. A few things the time you’re reading this, he may not be cool as some fi lms struck me on the third point. One was the quite so old as he seems. are today, what b a r e f a c t s big screen that had ads in between acts For all the pictures and movies we took will ever be cooler @ u s s u changing over. Quotes such as “I like seedy. of the event, check out our GU2 website: than the coolest . c o . u k The more disgusting the better”, and “We’re www.neilandmatt.co.uk 6 COMMENT 12 February 2004 UniS: Exclusively for Engineers

In a slight change of stance from his pro Top Up Fees article in week one’s edition of barefacts, Paul Sanderson offers up his opinion on the University’s stance on different subjects.

I’m writing this feeling most unimportant, fees fail to realise is that for every £1200 insignifi cant and really quite humbled. Up that we pay, the taxpayer pays the same until about two weeks ago I was feeling a fi ve times over. Therefore, more students remarkable sense of self-satisfaction with mean more pennies. Specialising will only my whole university experience. I had put off students and if UniS claims to be settled into my new life without too many any more science oriented than it already problems. Despite my mother’s predictions does, the Arts numbers income will reduce that I would wither up and die without dramatically (Arts being around the third her, I was managing quite nicely thank biggest department/source of capital here). you very much; my room isn’t the dump Furthermore, as a linguist, I think that there that everyone predicted (I’ve even cleaned are far more important things in society twice); I haven’t wasted away as was than engineering. If it weren’t for the early foreseen (I’ve worryingly put on a stone philosophers creating the modern political since the start of the year); and I’ve learnt orders then contemporary society wouldn’t to cook (pheasant was this week’s culinary exist. If it weren’t for psychologists then delight – and a bargain it was too). That is, current society would be unstable. If it until the vice-chancellor decided to label weren’t for linguists, then North Korea 11,000 Surrey students ‘unimportant’. might be able to unexpectedly drop nuclear In case you’ve been living under a bombs on the world, thus destroying rock for the last few weeks, the higher society. If it weren’t for society, we photo: chris hunter education bill got through parliament and wouldn’t need engineers because we would now variable fees are a real possibility still be deer-hunting cave-folk. But then I in Britain’s universities. Now, this isn’t would say that. the problem; I personally think the bill is It seems to me that the university would positive and variable fees will be good to be better generalising if it wants to climb Prepare to be Wallpapered ensure that the Sociologist doesn’t fund the the league tables. Instead of trying to Surgeon. Those courses that are cheaper attract lots of mediocre students into one to teach will cost less than the expensive department by offering them free money, BY PHILIP HOWARD ones, right? Wrong. This university will the university could invest this money charge £3000 for every course. Perhaps I across the board. If there were some kind I can see it coming, as I sit here. I can feel could let this go if it weren’t for the Vice- of scheme whereby people gaining, for the price of paper skyrocket as demand Chancellor’s attitude that some students example’s sake, AAB in their A levels, got triples, quadruples. I can see the look of are better than others. In case you missed £1000 then the whole university would fear in the blue-tack, and the smug grin of it, there was a press release outlining the be enriched. You would get the most able the clouds. university’s stance on the future of higher students coming to Surrey and the result Have I gone mad, some are asking. Oth- education which confi rmed that students would be more fi rsts being awarded, more ers know, however, of what I speak. Its doing ‘subjects of national importance’ research being done (more money, Senate imminence can be read in this paper and (engineering) would get bursaries whilst House) and UniS going up the league the last, on the internet, and in the creases those doing insignifi cant disciplines tables (these being two major criteria on on my forehead. What is imminent? The wouldn’t. Naturally, the offending article which universities are judged). After a few wallpapering. has been replaced by a more euphemistic years, we would start to attract more and The elections are immaterial, the candi- one but the facts don’t change; the more able students to every department dates fi xed, the manifestos variations on an Less than 1 in 10 turn out to vote. I doubt engineering-dominated management and will gain a reputation for being one upbeat clique-be-dammed theme, but that is more than half of those know of any differ- considers the majority of students of the best at everything (or at least for all nothing to the wallpaper. The wallpaper ences between the candidates, and fewer inconsequential, irrelevant and worthless. handing out lots of fi rsts). Would it work rules: covering, enclosing, binding. Like ac- still will care. But the wallpaper affects all In other words, the Senate wouldn’t is the question? One little compound word cidentally hitting Apply on a garish desktop but those away on placement, cut off from collectively relieve itself on us if we were for you: Oxbridge. They aren’t the best at theme, or sending a child to pick out paint the spectacle of a campus in a brown paper on fi re. everything yet they attract the most able from the DIY shop. bag, newspaper shades merging into a fl ock Obviously, they would refute my claims students year after year just because they The styles will clash, the shapes, col- wallpaper too garish for the most overdone (if they bothered to read articles by little have a reputation for generally being good. ours, fonts, slogans - all demanding your faux Indian restaurant. old me) and say that the university is According to The Times, Aberdeen was best attention, but by their number becoming a The wallpaper itself is a candidate, simply trying to specialise in an area at French and Sheffi eld was best at Russian. muzak blur across the back of your eyeball. screaming for your attention, but doing so that undoubtedly plays a serious role in Did I apply to these two places? No. Did I You cannot look away, without seeing passively, and with a smugness that I can the development and infrastructure of apply to Oxford? Yes. more. well understand. For whatever the reason the country. They would also say that Clearly, this place will never be Oxford behind particular poster, whatever the they are trying to give the university a but it shows that generalizing is the way to slogan, whatever the draw, the wallpaper direction and make one department a go if you want to see a steady improvement has won. It can unite with others, a fi rework national leader in its fi eld. So, what’s in reputation, status and bank-balance. display of manipulation, a smorgasbord of the problem? Well besides the obvious bland demand. The paper has coerced so many candidates to put it on every available point that it makes second class students The UniS Press Releases can be found at: out of the vast majority of us, I don’t see wall, every inch of permanent landscape. A any reason for specialising. To put it in www.surrey.ac.uk/news/releases/bursary_ means to an end for the candidates, but vic- 04-2201.html easily understandable terms for the money- tory for the attention-seeking paper. www.surrey.ac.uk/news/releases/funding_ Paper, on walls. Despite the slogans, this orientated Senate, the university needs 04-2601.html students. What the opponents of top-up is Campus Wallpaper. 12 February 2004 GU2 - 107.3FM 7 www 107.3fm dot G U 2 R a d i o gu2 Yes, it’s that time of year again, when your very own Student Radio Station, GU2, hits the FM airwaves around Guildford and beyond. From Monday 16th February 2004, for one month only, GU2 Radio will be broadcasting on 107.3FM. This means you will be able to listen to all your favourite programmes and more in crystal clear stereo dot wherever you are in Surrey. GU2 is run solely by students, who coordinate all the behind the scenes running, as well as DJing radio shows 7 days a week. There will be all co manner of exciting things happening over the next month, including a huge launch party (see the ents planner for more details), outside broadcasts and the chance for you to win loads of exciting goodies in competitions. All you need to do is tune your radio in to 107.3FM or type in dot www.gu2.co.uk to listen online. Make sure you don’t miss out on one of the most exciting events to hit student media at Surrey for a while. Remember, tune in to GU2 Radio on 107.3FM and 13120AM/MW and visit www.gu2.co.uk for more info and to listen online! uk Do YouGU2? Know Assistant Station Manager Hasan Akil gives you the low down on all things GU2

I am here to give you a bit of a recap of what and who is GU2. Because I personally feel that you students need to know what you got! A quick history of GU2 radio station - We have been around for almost 4 years and the quality of our service has increased so much that a new scale system has to be drawn out just to show how successful we have been. We came from having the bare necessities and using very old parts from GCR a predecessor radio station, to now having two lush sound proofed studios and an offi ce. We have certainly come from a long way in the past years. This all showed when we were so good in 2002, that we won the award for Best Student Radio Station in the COUNTRY! And now we have a healthy range of music and DJs to suit all you students out there (well the large majority of you) and provide useful information on what is happening on campus.We are one massive society and about half the jobs don’t even involve being a DJ. We have so many other sectors that are equally if not more vital to the running of the radio station like Advertising, Marketing, Programme Controller and Technicians are just some of the examples of jobs that are required. So if you have an inspirational idea for a radio show, or want to help out in the running of GU2 radio station then come to the meetings, which are on every Thursdays 6.112pm at Hari’s Bar and speak to us and we would be glad to help or discuss ideas. If you just want to listen and hear what all the fuss is about then tune in to GU2, broadcasting on 13120AM (which is exactly the same as 13120MW) all year round, and from 16th February to 14th March on 107.3FM. Tell as many people as you know, because it will be a very exciting time so listen out! wwwdotGu2dotcodotuk 8 UNION 12 February 2004 Calling Placement Students...... you can still vote in the Sabbatical elections

This year USSU are operating a postal voting system so that even if you’re not around in Guildford at the time of the elections, you can still have your say on who are going to be the next team of Sabbatical Officers. All you need to do is cut out the form below, or download one from the elections section on www.ussu.co.uk and send it, along with a photocopy of your Union card to Scott Farmer, at the address at the Fun on Stoke Park! bottom of the form. To find out about the 22 sabbatical candidates and 15 NUS conference candidates A local infants school is linking together for 2 mornings with Disability Challengers (who standing for election, and to make your decisions about who to vote for, check the run a playcentre, sports club, activity weekends etc for children and young people under Union website from Monday 16th February to see candidates’ manifestos online, or 212 years) on Thursdays 11th and 18th March. It is an awareness raising event where there view them in barefacts the following week. You will also be able to watch the webcast will be a talk for the local school children about the organizations, then the children will be of Question Time on Thursday 19th February, and can even ask questions to them able to play. They are looking for up to 112 students to go along and join in on the day. online. Keep an eye on www.ussu.co.uk in the coming weeks for everything you need to know about The Big Vote 2004. Student Volunteer Conference The Sabbatical elections are one of the most important times of year for the Students’ Union - afterall, they are deciding who will be running the organisation for the coming Why not go along to a conference especially for student volunteers where you can meet year. Every single student has a vote in the elections, and can run as a candidate. like-minded individuals, have fun, attend seminars and go to a new town! The annual To find out more information about Elections 2004 then contact any of the Sabbatical conference by ‘Student Volunteering England’ is being held in Coventry from 27th-29th Officers, or Scott Farmer, Deputy Returning Officer, at [email protected]. February. Book your place ASAP! There are only a couple of days left, so remember to send off your application form to arrive at the Union by Friday 13th February, and you must include a photocopy Battle of the Bands of your Union card. You will recieve your postal ballot during the week of Monday 16th February. This amazing annual event where local schools battle it out to win a top prize and the honour of being the best local school band takes place in the USSU over 2 Sundays with a semi-fi nal and fi nal. The dates are 14th and 21st March and volunteers are needed to help out on both days – it will be a fun time and is a fantastic opportunity to learn new skills.

RAG Collection Postal Vote Registration Form On Saturday 14th February RAG are holding a half-day street collection in aid of The Anthony Nolan Trust in Guildford Town Centre. This registration form must be with the Deputy Returning Officer by Emergency Services Midday Friday 13th February.

Fancy spending a fun day gaining a fascinating insight into how the emergency services Postal vote forms will be sent out on Monday 16th February work together? What an amazing opportunity! St. John Links is the student wing of the UK’s largest voluntary fi rst aid society and they are running an ambulance training exercise on Saturday 17th April, locally – in Dunsfold Park (transport provided – numbers If you have not received your paper by the end of Friday 20th depending). In semester 1 a similar event ran and volunteers from UniS (both students and February you should contact Scott Farmer, Deputy Returning Officer. staff) attended and had a fantastic time! This event will run from 8am until about 8pm and meals will be provided. Postal votes are issued for the following reason only:

I Like Driving In My … Minibus! The student will be unable to attend the university during the period of voting

Do you hold a USSU minibus licence? We are on the lookout for drivers willing to be I declare that I will be unable to attend the university during the preiod of voting added to a database so that when people are on the lookout for drivers we have list readily available of people potentially able to help (don’t worry, your details will not be handed out Signed:______to anyone just kept on fi le). Name: ______Please contact me for more information on anything mentioned above! Address postal vote will be sent to: ______Name | Carol Main ______Tel | (01483) (68) 3254 ______Email | [email protected] Course: ______Web | www.ussu.co.uk/volunteering Person | The Activities Centre @ USSU Campus Card Number: ______Reason for Request______

FOR OFFICE USE ONLY Period when student Issued by Date is not at university

Please ensure you have enclosed a copy of your campus card! and return to: Scott Farmer, Deputy Returning Officer, University of Surrey Students’ Union, Union House, Guildford, Surrey. GU2 7XH 12 February 2004 UNION 9 bf introduces: New Executive Offi cers

MATT ADAMS accommodation” as well as ‘chairing the EWAN PANTER Fees Now’. Whilst the ‘Stop Fees Now’ ACCOMMODATION OFFICER Accommodation ad-hoc Committee’, and UNION CAMPAIGNS OFFICER campaign suffered a major set back on the carrying out work on behalf of and directed 27th of January, it is important that we as I was elected into my post by that committee. Alongside setting up this I was elected to the position students keep the pressure up on our elected of Accommodation Offi cer committee, my other main aim during my of Campaigns Offi cer at the representatives in order to defeat the top-up at the fi rst Union Council term of offi ce will be to promote the NUS fi rst Union Council of this fees bill in its third reading. LCA is making of the year. I did consider standing for the ‘Safe as Houses’ accommodation campaign year on the 27th of January; the post was steady progress towards its ultimate goal of post during the Union Executive elections which has largely gone overshadowed by unfi lled because no one had been elected making the approaches to the University safe last semester, but being in my fi rst year the high profi le ‘Stop Fees Now’ campaign. in the main Union Executive elections last for students whatever the time of day, indeed at UniS, I wasn’t really sure if being an Since my election I have met with the semester. I decided to stand for election the 23rd of February sees a big meeting Executive Offi cer was for me. During my UniS Accommodation Director to discuss because I have been heavily involved in between the Union and interested parties fi rst semester though, I spent some time in the latest issues that fall within my remit, as the Lights Camera Action (LCA) and the which will hopefully see fi rm funding and the Media Centre working on barefacts, and well as fi elding questions from both current ‘Stop Fees Now!’ campaigns since last year. timing commitments. gradually branched out into the Activities and prospective students on the USSU I hope that this article will help to explain The Constitution states that the Campaigns Centre, meeting the Sabbatical’s and other Bulletin Board. Over the following couple what my duties are as Campaigns Offi cer, Ad-hoc committee should provide a forum Union Offi cers. After sitting in on several of weeks I will be organising a meeting and how students can become involved. for the development and organisation Union Executive meetings and seeing to discuss accommodation issues that are According to the Union Constitution, the of Union campaigns; currently however what goes on day to day behind the scenes affecting School of Management students Campaigns Offi cer is primarily responsible there is no Campaigns Ad-hoc committee, at Union House, I decided that actually, who start their placements part-way through for ‘helping coordinate, publicise and I therefore intend to create one. To do a position on the Executive was for me. the academic year. implement campaigns agreed upon at Union this I will need the assistance of like- Knowing that an Accommodation Offi cer If you are reading this, and you are a fi rst Council‘ and to form, chair and publicise minded students who wish to help out had not been appointed at the start of the year management student who starts their the Campaigns Ad-hoc committee. These with campaigns like LCA and ‘Stop Fees year I set about preparing for the job and placement in January 2005 and have any will be my primary objectives for my term Now!’. So if you are interested in joining waiting for the by-election. The rest, as they concerns about fi nding accommodation for of offi ce, however to achieve these aims I the Campaigns Ad-hoc committee or would say is… (sorry, bad cliché). either before or after your placement, or if will need help from other students. just like to fi nd out more about about Union The Union Constitution states that you have any other queries or issues, then e- As I have come into this role halfway campaigns in general, please email me at the Accommodation Offi cer is mainly mail me ([email protected]) and I will through the year I intend to concentrate [email protected]. responsible for ‘representing students do my best to help. my efforts on the two campaigns that I who are in either on or off campus am already involved with; LCA and ‘Stop

12 February 2004 PROFESSIONAL 11

Are there submarines in the lake? Have they been attracted here by the Go to the Oak Suite Duke of Kent building? Does this explain the sonar bleeps recently heard (above Seasons Restaurant) ringing through the building’s hull? No! That’s the sound of the beat from any Thursday lunchtime to get the Movement Laboratory where people have been jumping, those who an application form and apply for a have responded to the invitations posted around campus this term. And it’s serious research. fi tness test. Dancers are particularly encouraged to apply. Jump at the chance to earn £20!

They want to fi nd out how synchronised people are while jumping to a beat so that structural engineers can forecast stadia movement at rock concerts more accurately than they have been able to previously. It will take less than two hours of your time.

Jump at the Chance contact: Graham Parkhouse 12 DK 03 | Ext. 6734 [email protected] to £20earn www.surrey.ac.uk/MME/Research/BioMed/stadia/ Dr Russ science corner Replies Valentines Aphrodisiac As Valentine’s Day approaches, Rachael Dobbs gives you a lesson on

BY DR RUSS CLARK applicants it’s not unreasonable to expect a the art of seduction - the natural way! UNIS CAREERS SERVICE test to measure this. If you will be required to display self-confi dence in the job, they What with Valentines day just around the and arousal. Drinking red wine brings Why do employers use assessment may ask you to give a presentation in order to corner, love is defi nitely in the air so what about similar effects, so combining the centres? assess this. If assertiveness is a requirement, better time is there to impress your lover two is clearly a winning formula. Wine you are highly likely to face some sort of with your vast knowledge and experience relaxes and helps to stimulate our senses These was a time when an interview was group discussion to see how persuasively in the art of seduction. but remember that more than a couple of enough to convince an employer whether you communicate. If the job requires people Ever since ancient Greek times glasses will make you too drowsy for any you were right for a job or not. However, who can write clear and effective English, aphrodisiacs have been used as a remedy after dinner fun and games. You could in recent years studies have shown that you may be asked to draft a letter or précis a for sexual anxieties and for increasing always counteract any sleepy feelings interviews alone are not always reliable. On document. fertility. These days, more scientifi cally with a little intake of caffeine. Dark the one hand, people don’t always turn out as robust methods such as IVF are used coffee stimulates both the mind and the you expect them to when they actually start How can I prepare for them? to conquer fertility problems and so body, so partaking in a small cup could their job. On the other, some of the attributes aphrodisiac foods and drink are used help prepare you for a stamina-fuelled which certain jobs require such as numerical Over the next few weeks I’ll describe these more to spice up a romantic evening in. all-nighter. ability or assertiveness are very diffi cult to exercises in more detail and provide a few So unless you consider yourself in Going back to the vegetables, carrots (I measure in an interview. As a result, some tips on how you might prepare for them. the love ranks of Hugh Hefner and see a shape pattern) are believed to be a employers, particularly those recruiting for You might also like to think about getting Peter Stringfellow, here’s some handy stimulant to the male. The phallus shaped trainee management positions, have devised some practice at an Assessment Centre aphrodisiac info which could help to carrot has been associated with arousal alternative assessment procedures. They Workshop. The next one of these will be on ensure your Valentines night is a steamy since ancient times and was apparently usually bundle all these together in the form Wednesday 3 March and you can book your success… used by early Middle Eastern royalty of selection centres or assessment centres. place by dropping into the Careers Service Now there hasn’t always been to aid seduction. They’re also high in beforehand. There is also a good video you agreement upon what foods actually vitamins and beta-carotene so go prepare How can I know what to expect? can watch in the Careers Service. Finally, if have an aphrodisiac affect and some yourself a big steaming plate of that sexy you’d like to try a practice aptitude test, they suggestions are pretty bizarre. For vegetable. Or you could eat some carrot If you’re not told in advance what sort of are on 12 February, 212 February and 10 example Aphrodite, the love goddess cake… exercises they are going to put you through March. Once again, you will need to book was said to consider sparrows highly Another one for the ladies is apparently you can try to work it out. The clue to it all your place in advance. One thing is certain, amorous (?!!) and mythology states that liquorice, which is said to enhance love is the job description. What sort of person practising beforehand makes the real thing they were included in many aphrodisiac and lust, and is particularly stimulating to are they looking for? If they want numerate far less threatening. brews! But I’m defi nitely not suggesting women. One for the boys and the girls are you serve up a steaming bowl of sparrow fruits such as raspberries and strawberries soup on Saturday so here are some more which have been described in erotic CAREERS EVENTS | SPRING SEMESTER WEEK 4 appetising alternatives: literature as “fruit nipples” (!) They can STARTING YOUR OWN BUSINESS Bananas are a highly popular aphrodisiac be part of a yummy dessert but are also PRESENTATIONS THURSDAY 19 FEBURARY 6.112 – 8 PM IN LT B food. Some say this is due to their phallic known to have seducing qualities when Mike Davis from the Prince’s Trust will speak about IBM* shape but a more scientifi c explanation hand fed. the help with bursaries/grants, loans, business advice, MONDAY 16 FEBURARY AP LAB 2 AT 6.30PM is that they are rich in potassium and B So now you have some knowledge to marketing support, legal advice, business plans and IBM will be giving a presentation and running a training that the Trust can offer to people between vitamins, which help to get those sex go and prepare an enticing, passionate skills session on online applications for placement the ages of 18 and 30. hormones fl owing around the body. and stimulating meal for the perfect students. *Please sign up in Careers if you wish to attend or email [email protected] A slightly more enjoyable one, mainly for valentines evening. And if that doesn’t INTERVIEWS us girls, is the wonder that is chocolate. get your lover in the mood, you could A CAREER WITH ONE OF THE BIG FOUR* RAF* Known by the Aztecs as “nourishment always try reeling off some scientifi c TUESDAY 17 FEBRUARY 6 PM IN LT M THURSDAY 19 FEBRUARY of the Gods” chocolate, especially of facts involving neurotransmitters and Christina Kerr from PricewaterhouseCoopers will Visiting to hold informal interviews. Vacancies in a talk about the range of career opportunities within the dark variety, contains chemicals hormones. Hey, if it worked for the geeky wide range of occupations. a large fi rm of chartered accountants. *Please thought to effect neurotransmitters in guy in the Yakult advert, it can work for register with Careers if you wish to attend or email *Please register with Careers if you wish to attend or the brain causing feelings of well being you too. [email protected] email [email protected] want to write a bf science article? then email it to [email protected] FILM LITERATURE Neil Boulton pops Lots more reviews of down to the Odeon your favourite bands, once more, to review plus some other ones the very original and you may or may not captivating ‘Big Fish’. have heard - bonus! A Big Fish In A Small Pond Neil Boulton once again frequents the Odeon to review Tim Burton’s latest episodic creation. Includes witches, giants, the circus, bank robber, and uncatchable catfish.

Tim Burton’s back – his last film before this, the much winding yarns about episodes in Edward Bloom’s life as he sniped at Planet of the Apes remake didn’t please too many travelled. These stories involve witches, giants, the circus, people (It was a remake, thus doomed… still didn’t do too bank robbery; the most perfect village that ever existed and badly at the box office though) but now withBig Fish he un-catchable catfish, providing just a small cross section of seems to be in a lighter territory but one which still feels the events and characters Bloom paints and claims he’s met like it has his uniqueness - Big Fish is a story about telling during his life. stories, something that Burton has done very ably in the Tim Burton doesn’t disappoint when telling these stories, past with films likeBeetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands. each and every one of them looks perfect - Be it the one And the big story we’re dealing with today revolves around about the werewolf or the one about the Siamese twins. young William Bloom Billy Crudup) trying to reconcile The story has a strong Frank Capra (It’s a wonderful with his dying father Edward Bloom (Ewan McGreggor) life…) vibe to it but never drenches the audience in sticky - Will believes he knows nothing about his father due to saccharine like fluids. I enjoyed the film from start to finish his habit of telling extraordinarily tall tales and wants to – It was funny and lighted hearted but was never schmaltzy understand his father before he passes away. This isn’t easy about it, never descending to the depths of hitting you over because his father is still telling the same tales and the truth the head with the false sentimentality of a greetings card about Edward Bloom seems impossible to find beneath his (Cheaper By The Dozen…. Ack). Burton’s film is packed amazing stories. In the film we see a mix of Will trying with an excellent cast, Ewan McGreggor & Albert Finney to get the truth from his father and the fantastical stories are superb as the past & present Edward Bloom as are the which have made up his life from his (eventful) birth – Is supporting roles of Danny DeVito and Steve Buschemi. he just lying or is there any truth behind it all? After watching it everyone will have his or her favourite The film is very episodic due to it’s very frequent mini-story, mine’s the tale about how he eventually met flashbacks showing us the stories told by Bloom of his life & married his wife, it’s a film for those with over-active and in a way it’s a bit like Forrest Gump, but not overly imaginations. Plus the ending is one of the most touching annoying in the way Forrest Gump was. All of the stories I’ve seen in the cinema for a very long time. we’re treated too along the way are great; they’re all A Tribute To: Mel Brooks BY NEIL BOULTON producer, who with the help of his meek accountant, Leo film is just packed with Parody and Farce as Sheriff Bart Bloom (Gene Wilder) hatches a plan to leave the country wins over the hearts of the townsfolk and helps rid them of In some kind-of-a follow up to last weeks near-discussion with a great deal of money in their back pockets. The Hedley Lamarr – The Indians speak Yiddish, everyone in on the topic of spoofs for this weeks decided classic film I swindle is to convince people (Actually Old Ladies which the town’s called Johnson and the endings a tad bizarre, in thought we should take a glance at the work of one of the max romances checks out of) to invest in a Broadway one film magazine I read the quote “If anyone can explain other high priests of spoof – Mel Brooks. I said last week musical, promising them a percentage of the box office, the ending we’ll give them a fiver”. So, go forth and seek that the best spoof films generally come out of poking then making sure that the musical becomes the greatest out these two films, I could go on about the funny moments fun at a broad genre instead of constantly picking fun flop in Broadway history. In order to guarantee box office contain within their runtimes for ages – It’ll just be easier if constantly at a chain of popular movies and Mel Brooks’ disaster they try and make the most offensive musical you go watch them for yourselves, they’re both classics and film give us some cracking examples of how to do this ever… and they find a script for “Springtime For Hitler” have stood up well to the test of time. feat well. Over the years Brooks has done comedic films (“Don’t be stupid! – Be a Smarty! – Come and join the looking at several genres, Blazing Saddles – Westerns, Nazi party!” goes one of the musicals big numbers) and Young Frankenstein – Horror, High Anxiety – Hitchcock, think their prayers have been answered. And well, I’ve Spaceballs – Sci-fi (looking quite specifically atStar Wars given the game away earlier, but regardless of their best really) and Silent Movie – Well, looking at Silent Movies. efforts the musical becomes a success leaving Max & Leo As well as making many spoofs in his time, Mel Brooks in a very unenviable position. One of the best things in the also pokes a great deal of fun at his Jewish heritage, film is the character of Lorenzo St. DuBois (or L.S.D. to quoted as saying “I’m the only Jew who ever made a buck his friends) the rather blessed out hippy they get to play offa Hitler!” and back in the day a lot of the humour was Hitler in the musical (Achtung!, baby – The Furher does considered extremely vulgar and politically incorrect. not say ‘Baby’!… apparently that’s were U2 got the album Brooks’ first filmThe Producers, while definitely making a title from ‘n’ all). Mel’s second film, Blazing Saddles, buck offa Hitler has also provided a blueprint that has been was more successful – It was nominated for 3 Oscars and reworked many times to form the basis of new films – The is the highest grossing Western ever made – and follows concept where someone tries to ruin something by bringing a near identical plot to it’s predecessor. The evil Hedy… someone in completely unsuitable only for the venture to I mean Hedley Lamarr is trying to buy the land that the prove a success. So in this small (almost) feature on Mel town of Rock Ridge is situated on, so in a bid to scare off Brooks we’ll look at his first two films, The Producers & the townsfolk he sends in the worst group of lowlifes he Blazing Saddles. knows (inc. Mongo) and then also sends in a black Sheriff The Producers is about Max Bialystock, a Broadway to help scare away the white & backwards townsfolk. The 12 February 2004 FILM 15 Extra Terrestrial - The Week Ahead

Sometimes it’s unnecessarily depressing that channel five seems to get most of the watchable films, however this week the standard 1 through 4 are fighting back, meaning that no longer will you have to squint at a fuzzy out-of- focus screen for an evenings entertainment (I do mean channel 5, honest…) – Just take a look beyond Friday, not a channel 5 film in sight. BY NEIL BOULTON FILM EDITOR And a late night bonus | Chose between No Escape (BBC1 – 11:35pm – 1:30am) – ‘trashy’ Thursday 12th February 2004 futuristic prison fi lm where the inmates have split into a tribe of hippies and a tribe of warmongers, Ray Liotta and Lance Henriksen supply the ham. Or you could have The Slums Of Beverly Hills Five | Miss Congeniality | Sandra Bullock plays an FBI agent who ends up going (ITV - 11:30pm – 1:05am) a ‘quirky comedic’ coming of age drama about a girl growing up in the 8:00pm – undercover at a beauty pageant to thwart someone-or-other – Michael Caine’s titular area of America. 10:10pm in it too as the beautician hired to preen her from a slob to contest material. The fi lm’s good as far as lightweight comedy goes, but the fi lm has William Shatner Sunday 15th February 2004 in it. And he gets to sing. That’s enough for me. ITV | Unbreakable | Day two of ITV’s M Night Shyamalan-a-rama(-lan?), Bruce Five | Striptease | Demi Moore has lost custody of her daughter because she’s 9:00pm – Willis is in it again and there’s some more unusual goings on when Bruce is 10:10pm – unemployed, so, like any normal individual she decides to take up stripping as 10:55pm convinced by Samuel L. Jackson that he’s an invincible superhero, shot full of 12:25am a means to get enough money to get her daughter back. Sleaze, sentimentality dark comic-book style imagery it comes complete (possibly as standard) with a and not very funny... not what you’d hope from something labelled a crime- twisty-type ending. I preferred this one to the sixth sense myself, it’s amazing comedy-drama. how annoying Osment is in the sixth sense… Friday 13th February 2004 Channel 4 | Sense and Sensibility | But if unbreakable isn’t your kettle of fi sh maybe Five | The Rock | Naughty military people have taken over Alcatraz and are 9:00pm – Ang Lee’s seven-oscar nominated Jane Austin adaptation is (might be a long 9:00pm – threatening to launch toxic rockets at San Francisco from their newly claimed 11:35pm shot, that). Emma Thompson’s Oscar winning script and Ang Lee’s realism 11:35pm vista. This can only mean one guy’s behind it all. Jerry Bruckheimer. Yes supposedly made this a treat. There must be something there, I have a feeling it – It’s another one of those late nineties Bruck brain tanked action fi lms. FBI sparked off a period drama revival in England… chemical warfare guru Nicholas Cage and ex-SAS & ex-escapee Sean Connery BBC 2 | Duel | The fi lm that made Steven Spielberg, pretty much worth looking at for are out to teach them a lesson. Excellent. 12:05pm – those six words alone. A man leaves his house for a routine business trip only 1:30pm to be chased by giant smoke spewing big rig that tries to run him off the road. Five | Dangerous Minds | Michelle Pfeiffer is an ex-marine (right) and has now 11:30pm – taken up a job as a teacher (…right) and has been given a classroom of Monday 16th February 2004 1:25am underachieving delinquents to knock into shape. This all results in an intense Channel 4 | To Live And Die In L.A. | “This cult hi-tech thriller from French Connection school room drama, which I know I’ve watched and can’t remember much 11:00pm - director William Friedkin features excitingly kinetic car chases through about. I think they go to the fairground somewhere in it. Meh. 1:05am the City of Angels and hi-energy gun battles choreographed to a pounding Saturday 14th February 2004 up-tempo rock score.” – I’m there. That and it has Willem Dafoe in it. And apparently is a bit like Miami Vice. Aces. Channel 4 | The Madness Of King George | Yes, it’s set in the days of old, in England, 7:00pm – and not much blows up. But this fi lm is still worth watching. Nigel Hawthorne Tuesday 17th February 2004 9:05pm plays the titular king who appears to be showing some signs of insanity (in ITV | Brave New World | Film adaptation of Aldous Huxley’s dystopian tale staring person and in bowel movement) and the story follows the quacks forcing his 12:00am – Leonard Nimoy. Sounds a bit wrong doesn’t it… However it’s warned that commitment. 1:35am people who like the novel will probably hate this – they say it’s been far too ITV | The Sixth Sense | M Night Shyamalan’s fi rst fi lm, a ghost story and most will over simplifi ed. While that’s usually the staple of a Hollywood diet, this would 9:15pm – remember that the key to the plot is that kid who insists he sees dead people. appear to be a TV movie. To use words uttered by Tim last week: Oh Dear. 11:15pm Bruce Willis is the child psychologist trying to work the boy out (He should be Wednesday 4th February 2004 in a vest blowing stuff up). Most lauded is the twist ending (which people insist they saw coming). Space to rent. Got any cinema related opinions? Hurl them digitally at [email protected] Bargain Cinema Bin: The Boondock Saints As a special barefacts Film Section treat, Neil Boulton supplies us with a proper student review of the type of film you can pick up from that big red thing near the DVDs in Tesco.

The Boondock Saints is a fi lm fi nanced (I think…) by Sky (Those people with the satellite dishes) and is fi rmly lodged in the bargain bin of cinema; and it’s actually quite good. It posses some recognisable names on the billing, such as Willem Dafoe, Sean Patrick Flannery and… Billy Connelly, yes, the comedian. The story’s pretty basic too – Two brothers rather irate at the state of things between the Russian and Italian organised crime syndicates in their home of Boston decide to take the law into their own hands after seeing too many of these crime bosses walk free. Starting with an act of self-defence the brothers are soon declared as saints by the local press and with the help of a mob insider they set about cleaning up the town. Dafoe plays the FBI agent hot on their heels and Billy Connelly plays a hitman called “Il Duce”, there’s also a small part in the fi lm played by porn legend Ron Jeremy. Anyway, back to the fi lm, what makes the fi lm interesting and something new to watch is the fi lm’s odd bending of time. Whenever the fi lm descends into a fi ght just as we’re about to see the action it stops and cuts to when the police fi nd the scene and then Dafoe camps it up and we fi nd out what exactly took place. It’s a B-movie worth checking out, Dafoe’s amusing enough and the odd skew of the action is commendable. The dialogue’s a tad iffy in places but it’s defi nitely a good evening in waiting to happen. [email protected] 16 LITERATURE 12 February 2004

LiteratureWuthering Heights by Emily Bronte Jen Walker explores the unconventional love of animalistic lust and passion in the 18th Century setting of Bronte’s popular classic.

Perhaps one of the ultimate classics of British literature, It is also interesting how Bronte plays on some of the Wuthering Heights has been immortalised by numerous gothic imagery and ideas that were popular in 19th century fi lm/TV adaptations, not to mention the squeaky hit by literature. Ghosts have a principal role in Bronte’s pseudo- Kate Bush. But why has Wuthering Heights earned its title gothic novel, but they are always ambiguous. One is never for being one of the most romantic stories written? really sure about whether the ghosts are supernatural Set on the eerie, bleak and depressing Yorkshire moors at apparitions or the product of the characters’ consciences, the end of the 18th century, Bronte tells of a saga of love, or the general air of superstition that abounded at the passion and betrayal. The tale opens on a dark and stormy beginning of the 19th century. The apparition of Cathy’s night, when a man by the name of Lockwood searches ghost to Lockwood at the start of the book may just be desperately for shelter from the unkindly storm, stumbles the product of his own nightmares. The ghosts are really upon “Wuthering Heights”; his stay is livened up by the just used as an expression for the eternal love between discovery of the tempestuous history that haunts the house Heathcliff and Cathy, or maybe even just to jump on the and its melancholy inhabitants. Heathcliff (the rough gothic bandwagon that was popular for that time. and uncouth current owner) came to Wuthering Heights Wuthering Heights has a bit of everything; ghost story, by being “adopted” by Mr Earnshaw (Cathy’s father). passionate lust/romance, psychology and religious Although Heathcliff is supposed to be raised as one of the allegory. Bronte is also very detailed in her descriptions, Earnshaws, he is treated abysmally by his foster brother mainly to create ambiance also by using symbolism such as Hindley, due to the fact that Heathcliff is a gypsy. Beaten the landscape of the moors to refl ect upon the emotions and and forsaken, Heathcliff grows bitter, violent and becomes the tensions that brew between the characters. hostile to everybody except save Cathy; albeit there are Bronte also throws up the theme of dichotomy; she moments where his actions towards her are just as cruel. seems to have put a lot of things into pairs, whether it The romance between Heathcliff and Cathy I would not be landscape features, characters, and even themes. For really call a true romance; it is more like animalistic lust example the two houses belonging to the two families; each and passion. Bronte in fact toys with the ideas of Heathcliff family has two children, and some of the characters have and Cathy being soulmates, that they share the same two confl icting sides. She also uses repetition to give the wild and fi ery soul. The love between the two principle live the romantic ideal of being together forever. Cathy feel of continuity, that Wuthering Heights is a saga with characters really is quite destructive and unchanging. It is on the other hand has a very selfi sh nature and chooses to no end, and plays out generation after generation. This is really the sole focus of the book, and is the cause of all the marry for status and money. This brings up the possibility mainly apparent in the parallel treatment of the children tragedies that occur between the Earnshaw and the Linton of another sub-theme in Bronte’s book; the pride and the and their relationship to each other. families. Their love is so unconventional and improper for precariousness of social class in the 18th century. The In the end, I’m rather ambivalent about Wuthering their time, it is diffi cult to see if Bronte is condemning them Linton’s in the book represent a respectable family in Heights. I think the story and the psychology around the or making them out to be romantic heroes. Nobody in the the hierarchy of nobility and money, and hence marriage characters is gripping and very moving, but the writing book can relate to Heathcliff except for Cathy, as although into such a family will earn respect and comfort. Cathy’s style of the book is quite a challenge. One of my friends she is in denial, in personality and temperament she is his reasoning for marrying Edgar Linton is really to fuel her studied it for A-level and said that he had to reach for twin. Her denial frustrates and angers Heathcliff, who tries own pride and gain status for being “the greatest woman the thesaurus to understand what was going on. With the to win Cathy over, break down her pride and in the neighbourhood”. However this convenient marriage old writing style and language of the late 18th / early 19th destroys her, she paid for this status by throwing away century, and that Bronte uses local phonetic dialect for her soul and her “destiny”, which causes her to basically some of the characters (which can be off putting), makes it go nuts and die, leaving her daughter motherless, and quite a challenge to read Wuthering Heights. This is not an Heathcliff even more bitter. Cathy defi es her own nature easy read, so if you are not prepared to have the thesaurus for status, hence there is an apparent confl ict (which I am handy or have an English A-level it will be unpleasant, but sure was very true before the twentieth century) between none the less worth the effort. But had Wuthering Heights one’s nature and one’s expectations and culture. Cathy is been re-written in modern times with modern, accessible this social victimisation personifi ed. English, it would be everybody’s favourite book.

The Fly By William Blake

Little Fly, Am not I For I dance Thy summer’s play A fl y like thee? And drink, and sing, My thoughtless hand Or art not thou Till some blind hand Has brushed away. A man like me? Shall brush my wing. 12 February 2004 THEATRE 17 surreytheatre G u i l d f o r d & W o k i n g Adapted for the stage by David Wood Showing from Monday 16 - Thursday 1 from the book by Philippa Pearce, comes a 9 February at The New Victoria Theatre half-term treat for anyone with children or in Woking, Moscow City Ballet presents younger siblings they want to keep busy! Sleeping Beauty, followed by performances Showing from Tuesday 17 - Saturday 21 of Cinderella from Friday 20 - Saturday 21 February, comes a “A sensational, spell- February. binding success!” . A sumptuous feast of colour, spectacle Is it possible to travel back in time? Tom and excitement from this world renowned has always believed it cannot be done, but Russian ballet company of over 80 when the grandfather clock in the hallway dancers and musicians performing a chimes thirteen times, Tom is transported to fairytale programme of famous and best a secret garden from the past. loved classical ballets. Described as ‘a Here he meets Hatty and together these breathtaking whirlwind of colour’ (Brighton two new friends enjoy fantastic adventures Argus) and as ‘a feast of wonderful dancing in a magical wonderland. But with each new by a superb company’ (Time Out). journey through time, strange things begin A delightful blend of dazzling to happen – and Tom must solve the mystery entertainment, supreme artistry and of the midnight garden! joyous music, The Sleeping Beauty is the The Birmingham Stage Company is enchanting and romantic story featuring the proud to present this classic story, following their acclaimed tours of Charlotte’s Web, The enchanting story of Prince Florimund and Princess Aurora. Colourful sets, sparkling costumes Borrowers and George’s Marvellous Medicine. “A brilliant production, but you would and Tchaikovsky’s glorious score performed live by the Moscow City Ballet Orchestra. expect nothing less from The Birmingham Stage Company.” (Sunday Mercury). If you’re Danced to Prokofi ev’s rich score, this brand new production of Cinderella features virtuoso looking for a magnifi cent adventure that will truly enthrall all the family, then book your dancing performed with effortless style and impressive grace. A spellbinding confection tickets now! While there’s still Time! Performances are at 7pm each night together with guaranteed to enchant and delight the whole family. Performances are at 8pm with ticket matinee performances. Tickets are priced at £14 for Adults and £10 for Children. prices starting at £10.00. How to get to... New Victoria Theatre, Woking A Slice of Saturday Night By car: Woking is just a 10 minute drive from Guildford, and parking is free in the Let us transport you back to retro 1964, ‘A Slice of Saturday Night’ is showing Peacocks car park after 6pm. The New where the hems were high and the fringes at the Electric Theatre from Wednesday th Victoria Theatre is part of the Peacocks low. Here at, Club-A-Go-Go, you can 3rd to Saturday 6 March 2004, 8pm and Centre in central Woking, easily accessible witness the antics of a group of teenagers 2.30pm (Saturday matinee only). Tickets from the M25 (Jct 10,11), M3 (Jct 3) and out on a Saturday night. Witness the are available from the Electric Theatre Box A3. laughter, the tears, the break ups, the make- Offi ce on 01483 444 789. Alternatively ups all accompanied by the psychedelic they can be purchased in the Union By train: Woking is also just a 10 minute sounds of the 60’s, that will have you between 12pm and 2pm from week 12 train journey from Guildford, with trains tapping your feet and dancing in your seats. onwards. Tickets are priced £7/£12. going every 5-20 minutes between The University of Surrrey Music and Guildford and Woking. Drama Socitey invites you to join Eric Photos below by Chris Hunter: (left) Brian Perry ‘Rubberlegs’ DeVene, at his infamous (Eric ‘Rubberlegs’ DeVene), Nick Wyschna (Rick) & Claire O’Mahony (Sharon) and (right) Kate Box Offi ce (01483) 545 900 Club-A-Go-Go… Where the music’s loud Trevithick & Lisa Webb (Penny). www.theambassadors.com/newvictoria/ and the lights are low!

How to get to... Yvonne Arnaud Theatre, Guildford By foot from campus: Box Offi ce (01483) 440000 Leave campus by the bottom www.yvonne-arnaud.co.uk/ of University Court, go across Yorkie’s bridge, down the hill and turn right to go into the town centre. Walk past the train station and down Bridge Street. Then turn right along Onslow Street (past the Friary Shopping centre), cut through the pedestrianised Friary Street, continue along Millbrook past Debenhams. The Theatre is just past this large building on the right. 18 MUSIC 12 February 2004

FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND SPAN ESCAPE ARTISTS NEVER DIE DON’T THINK THE WAY THEY THE Infectious DO ORDINARY Universal Island Records BOYS Welsh Quintet FFAF released their new single on Monday, hoping MAYBE SOMEDAY to repeat their glories of last year. They have been headlining the NME Having toured the UK with great B-Unique Brat Awards Tour. The single appears however to be much like their last success, including one gig at our one… and the one before. Although there appears to be nothing new very own union, Span release singlesThe fi rst thing that strikes me on about any of their songs I expect this will be receiving widespread radio their follow up single to Papa: play. All in all another release from the welsh emo-metallers that will JOHN MAYER listening to this track is how much Don’t Think The Way They Do. probably disappear as fast as it comes. I’m still living in hope that one BIGGER THAN MY it sounds like The Jam. And not With its catchy riff and smooth day they may produce the goods to go with the hype. p.w. BODY just that, it sounds like a tune that rock vocals it drags you along Aware Records even Paul Weller himself would tapping your feet all the way to be rather proud of. To me, this the end. Although if you did Reportedly a virtuoso blues track evokes images of people listen to it too much you might FRANZ FERDINAND ELECTRELANE guitarist, John Mayer wholly jumping around in Ben Sherman go a little insane. p.w. FRANZ FERDINAND THE POWER OUT suppresses his natural yearning shirts and riding round on mopeds, Dominorecord Too Pure for slide action and twangy whilst simultaneously kicking The soloing a-plenty in the studio, Libertines’ skinny little arses back Band of the moment, Franz The four piece, all female indie- INCUBUS instead delivering meticulously to the East-End. Everybody watch Ferdinand championed from rock bands highly acclaimed MEGALOMANIAC polished teen-friendly pop with your backs and prepare for the every corner including a support fi rst LP,Rock It To Moon, drew Epic/Immortal the tiniest hint of rock. It is new Mod revolution. j.a. **** slot on their new band showcase comparisons with Stereolab due not readily apparent whether NME tour. Debut album from to the 80’s sounding electronics Incubus are a back with a this curious dichotomy stems this Glaswegian four-piece show mixed with their indie-rock traits. sound more akin to their earlier from commercial pressures ILYA that earlier expectations are not The highlights of this album, works than their last album entirely beyond his control or an BELLISSIMO hyped with the stomping rock which is produced by Steve Albini Morning View (I didn’t like it) overwhelming desire for mass Virgin roll Jacqueline sounding like the (The Pixies), are the melodic and Megalomaniac is one of appeal (and, perhaps, money) Stokes have been transported instrumentals largely due to the those cage-rattling rock songs over credibility – both very Used as the music in the ‘Amor to Glasgow. Franz Ferdinand fact that a majority of the lyrics complaining about politicians. cynical viewpoints for entirely Amor’ advert, this single has been start off in blistering form with are hard to distinguish. The Along the years they seem to different reasons – but the net gaining airplay through one of its excellent Tell Her Tonight with album contains a European feel have lost their funk elements result is a bland and forgettable mixes. This is understandable, harmonic melodies with a mild with lyrics in English, French, (They’ve changed bassists too) exercise in marketing, obscuring because the original version punk edge incorporating a vast Spanish and German. Standout but they’ve kept the melodic any visionary musicianship that is frankly a dull, slow dirge of array of infl uences littered tracks are the electronica inspired vocals, guitars and occasional Mayer might possess. j.d. wannabe ‘Air’. Having said that, throughout the LP. Number two One Thing Is Needed and Love odd noises. On the whole it’s a the mix (by Ashley Beadle that’s single, Take Me Out catapulted Builds Up as well as The Valleys good song, but not Incubus’ best. getting the airplay at least kicks Franz Ferdinand with all the wrote specially for a choir. n.b. some life into the song, with a hype this extended album version NORTHERN HEIGHTZ Overall most of the tracks are South American tinged beat that combines two mini tracks in one LOOK AT US spoiled by the vocals which, tries to cover the blandness of the with the unmistakable bouncy Sony Music incedently, did not appear on the tune. The most interesting thing guitar led chorus capping of the fi rst album.n.t. I can say about this single is that highlight of the album. To the In the absence of a press release Martin Freeman (Tim from ‘The same high standard Matinee – quite possibly for fear of Offi ce’) is in the video - other than offers a catchy lighthearted slant legal action over its highly that try I suggest you stay well singing about Terry Wogan on derivative content if any names clear of the track. m.f Radio two although the constant are revealed – I am unable to repetition of Matinee after a while assign Look At Us to any precise begins to grate. Self-titled debut, commercial dance subgenre, Franz Ferdinand has risen above but vocoderised soaring vocals, DAMIEN RICE the hype to show why a lot is progressive synth sweeps and VOLCANO th expected this year, ignore them at a repetitive thudding bassline 14 Floor Records you peril. m.b. all surface in all-too-familiar fashion. While this may go down The latest single to be taken the proverbial treat in clubland, from the winning Shortlist Music Prize album, O, sees the vocals it’s diffi cult to imagine anyone ARTHUR RUSSELL THE MOUNTAIN GOATS shared by the outstanding Lisa without a multi-kilowatt sound CALLING OUT OF CONTEXT WE SHALL BE HEALED Hannigan. Along with the vocal system and strobe lighting rig in Rough Trade Records 4AD their home voluntarily subjecting duo, the music sees the swirling themselves to this as I have just cello overshadowing the acoustic Arty ambient trance, and if you The music is the most interesting part of this album. It is done. Twice. j.d. guitar. Fortunately, it is easy to like arty ambient trance then this miss that song is about the all too a very samey affair as it drifts from one song to the next is what you need. Possibly more with the overall same theme and vocals that leave a lot to be familiar story of love. The song for the elitist amongst us as some resembles fellow countryman desired. Listening to this you could imagine a bunch of guys of the quirks are quite odd. In fact in college getting high and making what they think is a great David Gray but is much more you may listen to the album and appealing to listen to. n.t. record. The musicians are talented as the piano in Home Again wonder just how he came up with Garden Grove shows but they don’t seem to prove it to the full. it. Genius you suggest? However The vocalist has this whiney quality that is enough to drive anyone as we all know there is a fi ne line completely mad, but don’t let me put you off. If typical between being a genius and being middle of the road American college folk rock is insane. It’s not bad; actually I your thing, then this is for you. dm would say it was good in an open minded reviewer type way, though possibly not the choice of your these pages were broug h t t o you by: jona than darzi, neil boult on, average chart buying public. p.w. louise o ’neil l , neil tal lac k, ma tt fis her, dina myst ris, corin douieb, andrew malek, jon al len, and ma tt badcoc k with des i g n by ic kle sarah albums

gigs 12 February 2004 MUSIC 19

ATHLETE SCISSOR SISTERS @ Brixton SCISSOR SISTERS Academy 31st January Polydor

Athlete embark on their largest gig THE SAD Ok, you’re either gonna love or to date to an expectant packed out academy albumsSONG CO. hate this band’s reinterpretation of ‘Pink Floyd’s’ ‘Comfortably awaiting last years Mercury Music Prize nominated, MISERYGUTS Vehicles & Animals debut album. Band of the moment Snow www.thesadsongco.com Numb’ - but try to forget about Patrol support slot delight as they roar through the re-released Final that for a moment. This album gigsStraw LP. The unexpected rapturous response reaches a peak as their top fi ve A solo project of Nigel Powell offers a mix of music heavily single, Final Straw concludes this fi ne display as Snow Patrol have fi nally staked (From the now defunct infl uenced by the 70’s and 80’s, their claim to join the elite. Down to the main act, Athlete starts the year reminiscing Unbelievable Truth) who currently but has very little disco. The last years glories producing the critically acclaimed debut album. The unquestionable tub-thumps Dive Dive is very majority sounds like a mix intro to catchy El Salvador greets the band to a heroes welcome eclipsed by dramatic different from Dive Dive’s between Elton John when he was lighting. The enigmatic Beautiful motivates a sing along, hand waving and lifted bodies melodic hardcore sound. The half decent and David Bowie blockading the stage as the undaunted Athlete breeze through its beautiful melodies. Showcasing general feel of the album is sort when he was great. Starting material from the, work in progress, forthcoming album at the end of the year early glimpses show of like a laid back Badly Drawn off with their infectious fi rst a fuller sound but loose that innocent charm achieved by the quaint Vehicles & Animals. Having come Boy (Possibly a bit Beth Orton- single ‘Laura’, the album stays off a sold out tour, Athletes admirers cannot be disappointed with innocent lyrics, charming choruses and y, who coincidently he’s been consistently great, albeit for upbeat accompaniment capping off this winning combination. You Got The Style, arguably athletes strongest invited to support in the past) with the aforementioned top ten single and Westside show the depth from one albums work raising the expectations of their Christmas bound gentle keyboard/synth effects. hit, which is not exactly to my forthcoming album. The mature sounding Tourist, set for future release is among their fi nest work to date Nigel’s done a good job song (or anyone else I’ve spoken incorporating piano and an intensive sound offering an insight into their musical progression. Ending the writing, producing and multi- too) taste. This aside, ‘Scissor show as they declare ‘We’ve run out of songs now’ Shake Those Windows is executed to the same high instrumentalising (save for a Sisters’ have produced an standard given to each song but seemed overwhelmed by the surroundings a step up too far? Matt Badcock few helping hands on bass) but excellent album, with a sound unfortunately nothing seems to set that’s perhaps not original, but the album apart from other similar sounds a lot different than any coffee-table classics that have current band (hey it’s a ploy that A Perfect Circle a bit strange that they chose one can wave a multi-coloured stick gone before it. And the album’s worked for ‘The Darkness’, why Hammersmith Apollo of the quietest songs ( Vanishing) at. nowhere near as sad as the titles not for these guys!?). m.f off of the new album to open, The encores were done in the most would suggest, for example the After lectures overrunning and though this was set straight with professional manner, they told us opening track ‘Beginning To delayed trains it was a miracle I a vibrant performance of the to pretend they had gone off and Wonder’ along with ‘Pleasure made it in before support Auf Der schizophrenic Pet. With a fair changed rather than make us sit Babies’ being airy reasonably up- Maur. Auf Der Maur (formed mix of songs old and new the around waiting, and it was the tempo tracks. n.b. by ex- Hole members) acquitted performance was as impeccable same for the second encore. By themselves adequately but no as ever, with all members making the end of the set closer Judith (a matter how hard they tried the being great look so easy. One of crowd pleaser more reliable than crowd remained motionless. I the most memorable moments a Toyota pickup) the whole place can’t but think that they would was the singer’s determination to is on its feet, right up through the be slightly disappointed seeing prove that Americans aren’t funny stalls and it is clear that the band as it was their fi rst London by making one of his band mates have delivered the goods once performance ever. tell bad cracker jokes, much to the again. APC are well on their way JOSS STONE However as the lights go down for amusement of some of the crowd. to becoming the most successful THE SOUL SESSIONS the second time and APC prepare Another of the highlights of their super-group in the world. p.w. Relentless to enter it becomes very clear who performance was their light show, the crowd are there to see. It was with more psychedelia than you What a fantastic album! Now that’s out of the way lets tell you why. This 16 year old from can revolutionary bands such as singer who died, they may be Me, one of the better songs of music: comment Devon has managed to capture Pink Floyd be washed aside as thought of as a bit ‘sad’ but if any pop I think, wouldn’t have been the essence of what made people ‘gay.’ Just because the music of you actually bothered to listen produced. Limp Bizkit’s cover like Aretha Franklin, Betty I want to express my growing is experimental and different to any other albums apart from the of The Who’s Behind Blue Eyes Wright and other such powerful annoyance of people labelling without a constant drumbeat and Greatest Hits, you would discover is another example, but maybe musicians. This is a collection of my music as ‘gay crap.’ At the a failed soap actor attempting to there are other songs just as good, we shouldn’t thank them for some less popular Motown tunes slightest mention of the fact that I sing in tune, it doesn’t mean it if not better, as the overplayed that! Also, the awful cover of that she has made her own, such like bands such as Led Zeppelin, isn’t any good. If you listened Bohemian Rhapsody. Its ‘cool’ to Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb , as Some Kind of Wonderful. Its Pink Floyd and Queen, people to it without all these pre- like the Darkness though isn’t it? ruined by Scissor Sisters but that’s not all old school though, she has start raising their eyebrows conceptions, you would be able Not that I’m putting them down just my opinion. I’ve had my reworked the White Stripes Fell with the reply of, “Er, yeah, to hear and understand the talent but ever noticed how suspiciously little rant now. Basically I’m not in Love with a Girl, and with The my Dad likes all that old stuff.” of the musicians and appreciate like Queen they are? Not just telling any of you that you must go Roots on production giving it Unfortunately, coupled with the atmosphere and different because of the dodgy hair styles, and listen to this stuff. Everyone that funky vibe. Her silky voice the discovery of where I come emotions they created, sometimes but that the guitar solos are very has their own personal taste and has the authority to make you from, the standard reply being, just by a few simple guitar chords. similar to Brian May’s, and the I understand many people may stop and listen and not many “Oh you’re a northerner, that’s a Anyone who has listened to Dark middle clapping bit to I believe in not agree with what I’ve said. girls her age can say they had shame,” usually means I end most Side of the Moon will understand! a thing called love is a complete Music, whatever genre it is, is to Angie Stone as a backing singer. nights at the union still single and OK, so maybe I’m getting carried rip off of Queen’s Radio Ga Ga. I be enjoyed. I just hope that all the Its Super Duper. d.m. searching for the direction of Pizza away but this music is too good know the Darkness are supposed ignorant people out there who tell man! I appreciate progressive to be ignored and trust me, it to be ironic, I’m just saying me my music is ‘gay’ can learn rock may not suit everyone’s can even be appreciated without you’re allowed to enjoy bands that to open their little narrow minds taste but how can people who the help of certain substances as aren’t as popular as well as the and understand that everyone has think Justin Timberlake is the everyone is led to believe! As commercial ones! Also, without different tastes, but as long as we by Anna Shaw most talented musician around for bands like Queen, yes that’s artists such as Gary Numan, tracks enjoy the music that we listen to, albums dare to criticise my music. How right, the one with the gay lead such as the Sugababe’s Freak like it doesn’t matter. gigs 20 INTERACTIVE 12 February 2004

By Ben Jumbled Quote Berryman

We’ve got some new puzzles for you this week, and here is the fi rst of them. I was playing with some fridge magnets and had made them into a very funky pattern. Later in the day pub quiz when I came back to the fridge I found out that my nice pattern had slipped down to the bf bottom of the fridge door. Whilst I was having lots of fun trying to put my magnets back In the ‘Arabian nights’ stories, what were the magic words used by Ali Baba to gain where they came from I thought to myself - “I’ve got a puzzle here!” entrance to the cave of the 40 thieves?

1 By Ben Berryman Each letter appears bellow the column in which it once was placed. Your mission, should you accept it, is to put all the letters back into the grid. Once completed the will show a Name the ancient Greek warrior who was killed by a poisoned arrow shot into his quote from Mark Twain. You could even continue the ‘cut out and play’ theme from last heel?2 week’s barefacts and cut out all the letters.... on the other hand, that might get a bit messy... 3What number system uses only the digits 1 and 0? In4 the cartoon series, which cat chases after TTweetyweety Pie? What5 are close encounters of the second kind? 6In which city was the fi rstrst underundergroundground traintrain serviceservice openedopened inin 1863?1863? What7 does an anemometer measure? A S A D I Where8 in Europe are the only wild apes to be found? U L I Y R O N L What kind of creature is a meerkat? H B E T C A E B I E N O 9 A B O A M A R R E I O K S Where would you expect to fi nd nd a anorthing? northing? Y O E U M T H P D F U T G F 10 Milk Bottle conundrum I came across this problem whilst helping out teaching at a local school. The year eights to Word Search which it was asked didn’t manage it. I wonder if degree students will fare any better? The problem went as follows: As we had a more male themed street fi ghter quiz last week, this week’s theme for the barefacts wordsearch is one designed for the female market. Ben Berryman presents you Can you place 18 milk bottles into with valentine themed wordsearch, as, surprise surprise, valentines day is coming up this the 6 by 4 crate pictured such that week! There are twenty words hidden in the grid below. Happy hunting and good luck. every now and every column add up to an even number?

Big thanks to Mrs Crossley for this H T N E E T R U O F F Y X C E one. T S D X P M H J L V R B H A N by Ben Berryman T B E O V T R O O A L O G N I R N D S R Q W S U J C D Q D T R D R A I E G R A O A P B L N Answers to everything in the Interactive sec- tion, are upsidedown at the bottom of page 21 O C E V R R B I L T K K W E E S H R S M E P A E J U C Z S L E S Q E F V T R W C A R D S A Ben’s Riddle Corner S F I Q C E D M U E C O D E V A dozen Royals gathered round, Four men sat down to play, E B L K S N G B E S R U V A X Entertained by two who clowned. They played all night ‘till break of day. Q A X C E M A N L R E K P T Y Each King there had servants ten, Though none of them were also men. They played for gold and not for fun

D X H O M S K M U J N E Q I Z The lowest servant sometimes might, With separate scores for everyone. P R E S E N T S O G N V N S D Defeat the King in a fair fight. When they came to square accounts, A weapon stout, a priceless jewel, They all had made quite fair amounts. S G U H T L A N R R I O W K P The beat of life, a farmer’s tool. N O I S S A P A I R D L Y P Y What’s being talked about in this Can you the paradox explain, riddle? If no one lost, how could all gain? The answers to this week’s wordsearch are at the bottom of page 21, underneath Rawson’s Creek. 12 February 2004 LIFESTYLE 21

Sabbatical Officers Ickle Sarah and Funkyberry give a random slice of life from their humble dwellings within Surrey Court Wey, Battersea Court Tate, and the University of Surrey Students’ Union... This week I am mostly … avoiding town like the plague lest I set eyes on another nauseatingly pink teddy bear or catch another snippet of a panpipe love song compilation! AFTER A SLIGHT lack of inspiration this week FIRST OF ALL this is a bit of an apology (slight being a.... slight under-exaggeration), to those that had their photo taken at the probably brought on by spending far too long Charity Dinner Dance, and who got a little For anyone struggling to turn a blind eye to the vomit-inducing in the far too messy Media Centre, I took a fl yer telling them the web address they merchandise in the shops at this time of year, here’s a tried-and- trip to rawsonscreek.com to have a quick could go get the photos from. Due to various tested method of survival from Auntie Angelica. Potter down to gander at what I was up to exactly a year ago. boring technical details the address didn’t your nearest retail outlet and proceed to catalogue all the things And it didn’t bring back good memories - in work, and so the photos can now be found on the shelves you’d really rather not receive from your [maybe week four of the Spring Semester 2003 I got on www.chrishunterphotography.com imaginary] other half. Think about all the gifts out there that would make you dump them food poisoning after the Music Department CONTINUING on the theme of photography, right there and then if they were even momentarily convinced you’d be appreciative. Think Ball, was more than a little overworked I’ve been taking digital photos in the Union “all-singing all-dancing pink gorilla clutching a velvet heart inscribed with the words ‘you preparing for elections, and, most fun of all, on the majority of nights out for over 3 years rock my world’” type gifts. Don’t give me the “it’s the thought that counts” mantra – look I became single on that most inappropriate of now (see my website www.funkyberry.com) me in the eyes and tell me honestly that you wouldn’t rather a slab of Dairy Milk if it came days - Valentine’s Day! and have the following tips for Union night to a straightforward choice between the two. I know I would - I’d even settle for Galaxy and that’s saying something. LAST year, after a not very well placed out or gig photography: ‘splitting up talk’ (my excuse being that we’d IF you are standing quite far from the Anyhow, yup you guessed it, I’m not a great fan of Valentine’s Day. Don’t get me wrong, known it was coming, so there was no point stage and want to take a photo of people I don’t want your sympathy – nope, I’m just up for dispelling the self-destructive myth dragging things out.... even if it was that day), on the stage, then you will get better results that everyone else is having the most romantic day of their lives, whilst anybody single is I headed out to the Union to, well, drown my not using your fl ash than using your fl ash destined to an evening in listening to Celine Dion, eating their own body weight in Ben sorrows. Many Universities hold Valentine’s – especially if there is quite a lot of smoke & Jerrys and contemplating fl eeing the country to start work immediately on an Israelian Balls, discos and suchlike, but what does in the room. kibbutz. Trust me, I’ve been there [well, save the Celine Dion soundtrack… wouldn’t catch USSU do? Well, last year’s event consisted WHEN taking photos of your friends, look me within a ten-mile radius of any of her records, Titanic theme included…]. of being given a numbered sticker when you for the fl ash setting or camera function that The year before last I did in fact have a date, but with a guy who happened to fi nd the arrived, and scouring the Union for your shows a person with a star behind them. technical specifi cs of the bar’s speaker system far more interesting than anything I had to matching number. This year we have Rob’s Line your friends up so there isn’t a lot of say… unsurprisingly, I couldn’t fi nish my pint quick enough. A not-dissimilar scenario two Lonely Hearts Cocktail Evening, with a little light in their faces, but there can be light years before, though that time I actually stood-up the date in question. Before you jump icon on the posters of a crossed out heart, behind them, hold your camera still, and to his defence, you have to realise [a] it was a blind-date organised by the RAG society presumably meaning ‘no couples’ - I guess take the photo. It will take practice and luck, at Birmingham Uni and [b] my friends had submitted my application form on my behalf. I won’t be welcome then! (Yes, despite my to make sure no beams from the dancefl oor Call me cowardly if you like, but to be honest, I was sure I was doing him a favour - any lack of Romantic history on Valentine’s Day, lighting hit the camera lens, but you should guy they would have matched with a girl who claimed “listening to Mozart” and “reading I am proudly and very fi rmly attached now). then get a good photo of your friends, with a García Marquez” were amongst her favourite pastimes, would no doubt have been more than little disappointed to fi nd me as their company for the evening. It wasn’t like my NOW, if you’re already fed up of elections, nice colourful background. look away now... if you’re not, there are IF you are on the front row of a gig, and friends had taken the time to fi nd out what time I was supposed to meet him, or even what only about 150 words left, so it’ll only takea you are trying to focus your camera on a he looked like. True, I may well have missed out on meeting Mr.Right, but that was a risk minute or so! The next few weeks last year singer that is either a bit dark or is throwing I was prepared to take - as it happened, the poor soul I’d deprived of my random ramblings were amongst the most amazing of my entire themselves around so much the camera was in fact the campus “stud”. I maintain I still did him a favour, life would have dented life, so to all the sabbatical candidates out cannot focus, then the best way to focus is to his ego sooner or later, I just gave it the little nudge it needed… ahem. there - make the most of it! My memories of focus on something that is roughly the same My plans for this year are yet to be fi nalised. I mean, these things can’t be rushed. After chalking the fl oor with ‘You’d be dead stupid distance away as the singer. Items that work all, there’s a load of decisions to be made – Chianti or Chardonnay, Chinese or Curry, not to vote’ (with the obligatory outline of a best are things with clean lines, like mic Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough or Chunky Monkey… ‘dead’ person - well, we had to do something stands, speakers, wires on the stage, or even Besides, I’m still waiting for those kibbutz brochures to arrive. Anyone would think the to get people’s attention) are as clear as just the front of the stage. Once focused you postman was busy. yesterday. And then there was my slightly can then point the camera back at the singer, bizarre thinking that going out to the Union and shoot. Catherine Lee dressed in school uniform for two weeks THOSE of you who get to the front of a gig, running really would convince people that I and have fancy digital cameras that you can should be the next VP Comms (afterall, you adjust the shutter speed, and want photos have to be crazy to be a sabb!) where you can use the fl ash to light the by Chris MY ADVICE - if you know someone who’s singer, but still retain some of the colours Lyrics Quiz going for a sabb position, get on their from the smoke and lighting rig, then follow Ward campaign team if it kills you. You won’t this. Go to shutter speed mode (usually It’s Robbie Williams theme this week - fi nd the missing words regret it for one moment (ok, maybe when all called “TV”), use a shutter speed between and then the song - simple! the coursework piles up in week 7, but hey, 1/15th sec and 1⁄2 sec, turn the fl ash on, focus what’s a bit of coursework?!). If I weren’t a and shoot. The results will all depend on 1. “I guess the love we once had is offi cially ______“. sabb I’d be out there every moment of the day the distance, power, smoke, etc… but again with bubbles, tinsel, fl yers, t-shirts, remote – practice. 2. “Such a saint, such a ______“. control cars...... 3. “Live for ______, detox for your rent.” chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter ‘ickle sarah butterworth 4. “And down the ______, wherever it may take me.”

5. “My bed’s full of ______, and fantasies of easy lays.”

DJ), 7.free (She’s The One), 8.dreaming (Eternity), 9.effi gy (Let Me Entertain You), 10.plans (Feel) 10.plans You), Entertain Me (Let gy 9.effi (Eternity), 8.dreaming One), The (She’s 7.free DJ),

(Millenium), 4.waterfall (Angels), 5.takeaways (Strong), 6.pimping (Rock (Rock 6.pimping (Strong), 5.takeaways (Angels), 4.waterfall (Millenium), 6. “______ain’t easy, but if your selling it, it’s alright”

: 1.dead (No Regrets), 2.whore (Come Undone), 3.liposuction 3.liposuction Undone), (Come 2.whore Regrets), (No 1.dead : Quiz Lyrics

: A Deck of Cards, The players were musicians | | musicians were players The Cards, of Deck A : Riddles Valentine | | Valentine 7. “We were one, we were ______.”

Hugs, Kiss, Love, Passion, presents, romance, roses, Saturday, Surprises, Surprises, Saturday, roses, romance, presents, Passion, Love, Kiss, Hugs, 8. “You were there for summer ______.” Chocolates, Cupid, Date, Dinner, February, Flowers, Fourteenth, Hearth, Hearth, Fourteenth, Flowers, February, Dinner, Date, Cupid, Chocolates,

: Candles, Cards, Cards, Candles, : search Word

health books you may die of a misprint | | misprint a of die may you books health 9. “I’m a burning ______of everything I used to be”

: Be careful about reading reading about careful Be : Quote Jumbled | line) grid a is (it map a 10.On

evidence of UFOs, 6.London, 7.Wind speed, 8.Gibralter, 9.Mongoose, 9.Mongoose, 8.Gibralter, speed, 7.Wind 6.London, UFOs, of evidence 10. “I sit and talk to God, and he just laughs at my ______.”

: 1.Open Sesame, 2.Achilles, 3.Binary, 4.Sylester, 5.Physical 5.Physical 4.Sylester, 3.Binary, 2.Achilles, Sesame, 1.Open : Quiz Pub 29 LIFESTYLE 12 February 2004 - Barefacts Personals - You know the drill - send an email with the subject line ‘personals’ to [email protected] and as if by magic they’ll appear in the next issue of bareafcts. If you#re sending in more than one, pop them in the same email, will you? Cheers!

Jessica, it has been 10 years since I fi rst sent you the charm the pants of any rugby lass when hammered one with added cheeky ones! I think it was done in My pub golf sick wasn’t nearly as pretty as you told message in Bare Facts. Five years of marriage and be so painfully shy and incapable of communication record time too. me it would be. two children later, I love you more than ever. Love when sober? always, Mark XXX Dan from breakfast fi tness is EVIL. Cullen and Kebab how many birthday drinks did you Hey Cullen I thought it was Woody you fancied? buy her before she fell of the toilet and banged her Can you pull 5000+ times in 3 hours? WE CAN!! Why didn’t you do anything embarrassing on head on the door? Watch this space. That explains the angelic voice mate! are there no Pub golf Loose??! It makes writing personals very ends to your talents? diffi cult. Fragile (the rugby one!) not a bad attempt for your Why not come down to the union for some stobby fi rst pub golf apart from chucking on the second lovin? New racquet, bring it on Chunks. I heard some freshers cheated at the “run round hole, you can be on my team any time. the union, eat a ryvita & two crackers, fi nished by Can you drink a pub dry 2 nights running? WE CAN!! Cobbles arent you glad you got your nickname on downing a pint” challenge...shame on you! Happy birthday Donna old bird! Watch this space. the fi rst pub golf cos dustbin doesnt have the same ring!!! “Oh!, they feel even bigger today” Happy 21st Si... from the girls at Weyside Gardens! “Is alice in wonderland by shakespere?” I think hes a very LUCKY chap regardless of his 99.9% of students would not be able to achieve this Passing a dude in a wetsuit with a surf board under I’d like to thank Cullen and Kebab for a great night parentage! his arm at 9.30pm on a Wednesday night on a on Wednesday. Unfortunately I can’t remember any Did you fi nd your hat because it looked like you Guildford street might make you think that pub golf of it! Thanks anyway girlies,love Eveready. GRRRRR -Who called my LANDROVER a jeep! gave him a pretty thorough body search? was causing hallucinations but then you remember that Chops is a nutter and it doesnt seem quite so Cullen...got a few bruises and cuts in training...war Don’t feel unwanted or unloved this valentines! log chunks, i know we’re meant 2 take training seriously strange! you said...bring it on! on to “society.conservative.com” but injuring ur own team 2 and join the Conservative Society ... we love days b4 a match is not a good idea! training sessions Well to my fellow highway woman, tulips are all I think Loose likes Paintbrush more! anybody! xxx are no substitute for around us and much waving of tubes of the f. variety anger management classes! has occurred but as if by magic or a fl ash of beige Strawberry tequila rocks! Sorry Cullen, I abandoned you for the second time! indeed, it is fi nally over! Congrats to us xxx I’ll buy you a (double) tequila next time ;) nice footwork layher - very fancy! p.s. like your Rugby golfers rule. Another legendary birthday pub dummy! Chunks does this mean you have to let him win at golf. Thanks guys! I might actually be improving...i won 2 games out of monopoly now? 5!!! But alas...she has a new racket now! fl ash...... aaaaa-aaaaah! Tilly - you really do know every pub in Guildford! Engaged @ 22/23 - House @23/24 - Married @ 25 Bok I have a riddle for you, How can a guy who is Congrats to the winning team at extreme pub chunks, since when was drinking squash in the - Babies @ 28 - we’ve got it all sorted! I love you so easy on the eye, has a body to die for and who can golf...Big John, Woody, Boff & Chunks. Everything in kitchen the new name for ‘getting in with unlucky’! much my gorgeous xxxxx

the sillyStars by Psychic Sandy Libra Capricorn Aries Cancer You are psychic you Drinking games are Everything you see at High fi ve bro! I believe loon. Your name used what its all about for the moment’s reminding Cinderella did indeed to be George, but I you, so get yourself in you of absent friends go to the ball, and that am only guessing. with the rugby boys for etc. Ils te manquent trop she did indeed WOW Hopefully I was right. I a bit of paralytic fun. but, frankly, get over it! everyone there! Win should be, cos I’m a real psychic. Forgedd Thursday night’s a good one this week, You are a social butterfl y, so make the most any of the raffl es? Well done if you did, aboudd idd. Have you got a fi èvre de so make the most of it innit. How was the of it – and its not like you’ll never see them commiserations if not. Quel dommage. cheval? If so, get down the doctors, like party? How’s your Great Coat by the by? again! Just how good is the Toxic video? Mmm-bop and all that. now! It’s wrong. We know you love it girlfriend! Aquarius Leo Scorpio Your vegetable Taurus Who is that annoying Ooh! Just in time addiction is beginning You might fi nd that you Scottish bird with for Valentines Day to get ridiculous, so have a bit of chance this the big teeth??? Shut methinks! You’re toxic, chill Winston! Burgers week, Mr/Ms Popular! her up. And get that I’m slipping under… are good, burgers are Eat carrots, they make chuffi ng chain off your c’est ce que quelqu’un good… Bring on the 80’s fashions, so get you see in the dark – damn jeans. It’s not big and it’s soooo not m’a dit. You can do it, put your back into down to your local Topshop ASAP. You always a good thing… you might be woken clever. If you thought last weekend was it and all that jazz. By the way, Chicago is have a new neighbour, so get chatting, by a clanking noise on Monday, try not to fun, this weekend’s going to be even better, crap so don’t watch it. Moulin Rouge by far maybe they’ll come round to borrow a cup get too arg cos its not a real proper crisis. so get ready…cos here I come… surpassed it, if you happen to be into that of sugar? Mais oui, mais oui, ça me fait kind of laryngitis. rire. Gemini Virgo Get that barnet cut! It’s Techno techno techno Sagittarius Pisces about time, don’t you techno…wooo! Far too What kind of a man It’s all about the think?! Still, at least you cool for school, you abandons his spoon, naughty things…so only spend about a fi fth have been living the life answer me that. So have fun pulveriser-ing of what everyone else of riley of late. Na na there. Candy-coloured some stuff. Learn some spends on hair beautifi cation… get some na na na…go greased lightning…its only plastic bangles are your graphology, its the new sleep this week; you defi nitely look like little… but enough of that, you guys can lucky charm this week, so go out and get feng shui dontcha know. Watch it this week, you need it after last night’s shenanigans! guess your actual horoscope cos I actually some on the buy-one-get-one free deal, as your blushes may betray you at inopportune The shame of you, honestly! Keep up the can’t be arsed. they say at Iceland, which is where mum’s moments. Hope the bones are better. It’s all good work, by the way – mommy and gone. a bit rocambolesque. daddy are proud! 12 February 2004 SPORT 23 Battle of The Swords Federal Sports Day

BY CLAIRE HATHWAY whole match against the British number two foilist, who not only looked like Spiderman Wednesday February 18th 2004 th Last Wednesday (4 February) the men’s (he wore a Spiderman mask) but also fenced The third and fi nal Federal Sports Day will need the win this year in order to equal fencing team faced one of their hardest like him, the fi nal score was 45-42. is this Wednesday (18th February). For Surrey. If we hold them to a draw or repeat home matches of the season. Finally it was time for the Epee, which again those of you unfamiliar with this event, last years success, we will have earned the Surrey were at home to Sussex, who had was a hard, gruelling match, where Surrey it is essentially University of Surrey Vs right to be crowned Federal champions. the British number two foilist on their side. fought their best. Unfortunately in the end Roehampton. A range of traditional team To mark the occasion, GU2, our very own However Surrey put the Sussex team gained the advantage, the sports will be played, both at UniSPORT student radio station will be at the Varsity Just as we were sitting on the edge of our fi nal score being 45-36 to Sussex. and at the Varsity Centre. Last year, Surrey Centre for an outside broadcast. Next week seats, the tension mounting as the foil was Well done to Surrey men’s fencing team, achieved a decisive victory, an impressive marks the start of GU2’s FM month, so if even closer at one point Surrey were leading who despite losing fought really hard improvement over the previous years draw. you can’t make it over to UniSPORT or the 40-37 then after the toughest fi ght of the against tough opponents. Overall across the three years, Roehampton Varsity Centre, tune into 107.3 FM.

surrey: last year’s federal cup winners

SPORT, FITNESS & DANCE AT SURREY STUDENT MEMBERSHIP Think your sport is physically or mentally ONLY demanding or simply different from all the £70 rest? Then why not Challenge Chops to MEMBERSHIP INCLUDES: Fitness club membership; all dance fi tness & aerobic classes free; take part in your sport and show exactly discount on most taught courses; most casual sports free including badminton, squash, basketball and climbing; Membership lasts for what is involved. [email protected] one year

BUSA Results | 04 February 2004

Mens Rugby GIVE BLOOD Badminton SURREY 1st vs Sussex 1st L-L Brunel 1st vs SURREY1st 3-5 Kent 2nd vs SURREY2nd L-L Squash • Blood Donor Sessions SURREY 1st vs UCL 1st 4-1 Basketball SURREY 2nd vs Sussex 1st L-L th SURREY 1st vs LSE 1st 74-68 • On: Tuesday 16 & Wednesday 17 March 2004

Fencing Womens • Venue: Mobile Unit to be parked in Senate Car Park, SURREY 1st vs Sussex 1st 122-135 Basketball Kingston 1st vs SURREY 1st L-L University of Surrey Football LSE 1st vs SURREY 1st 1-0 Hockey • Students Session Times: Tuesday & Wednesday 11am- rd rd SURREY 3 vs Kingston 3 L-L SURREY 1st vs Imperial Medics 1st L-L 2pm & 3.30pm-5.45pm Sussex 3rd vs SURREY 2nd 1-1 Sussex 4th vs SURREY 4th 5-2 Netball SURREY 5th vs Chichetser 3rd 0-3 SURREY 1st vs St Geroge’s Hosp 1st L-L • The National Blood service strongly advise you to SURREY 2nd vs St George’s Hosp 3rd 00wo make an appointment in advance, by ringing: 020 8258 Golf st st 8429 UWI 1 vs SURREY 1 2-4 Rugby Royal Holloway 1st vs SURREY 1st 0-0wo Hockey • However, a few spaces may be vacant on the day, times SURREY 1st vs St George’s Hosp 1st L-L Squash of which are available from the mobile unit itself. SURREY 2nd vs Sussex 2nd 7-0 SURREY 1st vs UCL1st 4-1 24 SPORT 12 February 2004 teamsurrey “Moor” Fun for the Mountain Walkers

BY MIKE FIELD Just to prove our hardcore status we decided to ascend even higher, and made it to the top 30 January saw the fourth Mountain of Yes Tor (619m), were the wind was so Walking Society weekend trip of the year, destructive we were forced to cower behind this time there was a promised 2-for-1 deal some rocks at the summit. as we would be visiting both Dartmoor AND Unperturbed, we eventually made it back Exmoor in the same weekend. to the bus and set off, whereupon I received First off, I feel that gratitude is due to a very useful bad weather warning from whichever club or society used the minibus Social Secretary Dan, back in Guildford. prior to us, as this time we actually had Everyone had done brilliantly to cope with enough fuel to get to the fi lling station in the conditions on that day and deserved Aldershot Road, cheers! the evening of relaxation in the pub that Of the ten of us on the trip, Nicky, Aine, followed. Elaine, Zoe and Josef were all on their fi rst Back at the barn, Rich, Jon and I decided MWS expedition, and ‘8-pints’ Richard was that an impromptu cheese and wine social back for the fi rst time in about three years. was in order, and set about getting well and Evan’Ready’ was driving the bus again and truly lashed. Unfortunately due to the stress probably passed 2000 miles for the year that comes with being Society President, I during the weekend. was knackered and had to retire at 2:30am With help from the network of local spies but rest assured, the other two fl ew the we ascertained that we were expected, fl ag in true style, apparently causing some squeezed through the legendary 6’6” gap in ‘psychological damage’ to canoeists who Dulverton and found our camping barn on After a hearty breakfast we took over the easy enough to navigate by, but from then were staying nearby. We’ve yet to hear any the stroke of 10pm.This time it was sheer winding West Country roads in our white on the weather chose to treat us with total more on this issue. luxury, a welcome change to stone fl oors van and headed down to Dartmoor. disdain. Sunday saw us dodge the rain briefl y along and freezing temperatures. The log fi re Setting off from the Meldon reservoir at Reaching Row Tor for lunch was the South West Coast Path in Exmoor, had warmed the place up considerably, and around 10am, we were soon faced with a reasonably comfortable, but by the time we before the Forest of Death (so good it had to nobody could complain about the conditions seemingly uncrossable river, transformed conquered East Mill Tor (543m) the wind be walked through three times) and another this time. into a raging torrent by recent heavy rain, had picked up to hurricane proportions and three hours of hailstones ended our weekend The next morning was my debut as so scrambling through some trees and many of us had to resort to crawling. Add to and any harboured hopes of calling at the breakfast chef, however Rich and Josef had undergrowth was required before we even that an hour or so of hailstones and this was Pagan magnet that is Glastonbury Tor on the managed to get up at 6:30am too and I was made it onto the moor. Once out in the easily the worst weather I’d ever seen on a way back. relegated largely to a directorial role. wilderness we found the army vehicle tracks walking trip.

SPORTS PROFILE Footsie Fever in the HRB

BY PETE NICHOLS ten past nine with the security greeted by queue going back up the ramp towards the union steps. After only a period of Last Thursday (5th February) saw the return after a period minutes, the HRB was the busiest I have seen it at that time of absence of Bar Footsie. The concept of this night is of night with everyone’s eyes on the screens trying to get the that drinks prices go up and down in relation to supply and cheapest drinks possible. demand. This combined with the stock market crashing on As the minutes ticked on, more and more people came and many occasions created an on going happy hour. with this infl ux of people the fi rst minor crash of the night The event was organised by the Sports Executive Committee occurred with a few products going down to crazy prices. Name: Stephanie Millington in association with the Bars and Catering department in The time was 10:40pm the HRB was packed full of people Sports: Women’s Football order to raise money for this year’s Colours Ball to be Held and the screens went wild as the fi rst market crash of the Age: Legal in April/May of this year. evening was occurring. The price of every product behind Nicknames: Gadget, MMM, emin-eminem, The doors of the HRB opened a little later than planned at the bar crashed and the rush to get to the bar before the prices PsychicSteff all started to rise again was on. Sporting Idols:Duncan Ferguson, Rachel Unitt, Rachel Yankey On behalf of the Sports Executive Committee I would Best Aspects of your sport: Slide tackles, comparing like to say a big thank you to everyone who helped put stud marks, mucky pints on this event especially the Bar staff who did a fantastic Worst aspects of your sport: Lack of players!! job and did not stop all night. A big thanks also goes to Best sporting moment: Playing our arses off to fi nish Jimmy and Pete Playing their usual mix of cheese. runners-up in our BUSA league in the 2002/03 season Most embarrassing sporting moment: Not only scoring an own goal whist falling over an opponent but Are you in a Sports Club? also hitting my head on the goalpost as I landed submit your article and pictures for Worst Injury: Patella tendonitis The plug: Women’s football training, Thursdays 6-8 at barefacts to Pete Nichols - email the Varsity centre [email protected] by Friday @ 5pm