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How to Teach Boys and Girls to Get Along for Life

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How to Teach Boys and Girls to Get Along for Life RELATING CHALLENGE THE STEREOTYPES When Michelle Kennedy, CEO and cofounder of Peanut, a matchmaking app for mom friends, watched a music video with her 4-year-old son, he BEING FRIENDS WITH both boys asked a question about a scene. She and girls can make your child a better, replied, “Maybe the director wanted happier person and help them grow it to be moody, or he had a point to into an adult who has positive rela- make about this part of the music.” Her tionships with all sorts of people. In son (bless him!) asked, “Can’t girls be of your kids, suggests Borba, like “Isn’t a Canadian study, kids in elementary directors?” Let those words—from the it cool that they’re friends?” And if you and secondary school with platonic mouth of a pre-K kid—be a reminder catch yourself making a comment (boy-girl) relationships developed to pay attention to pronouns as you like “He’s going to be a heartbreaker,” empathy and were better communi- describe jobs, leadership, and people. or “She’ll be beating the boys off cators. But even as Target removes If an adult or child says something that with a stick,” take a step back: These gender references from the toy and divides boys and girls into separate comments may seem harmless, but bedding aisles and girls join Boy camps (“Boys don’t wear pink!”), they can make kids think of the Scouts of America, it can be hard quickly redirect the conversation in opposite gender in a romantic way. to shed our ideas of social norms a matter-of-fact, positive manner, when raising our kids. Help break says Michele Borba, EdD, author of down the old-school barriers between UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids STOP BY THE LIBRARY boys and girls and they’ll likely see Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. Books (and plays and movies and art they’re more similar than different. You could say, “Oh, wow. That looks in general) can help kids understand Here’s how to nurture these important nice! You like that color, huh?” that other people are, in many ways, friendships at every age. just like them. To demonstrate that boys and girls can find common KEEP IT PLATONIC ground and see different points of Intentionally or not, adults often view, says Borba, choose books that romanticize even the littlest kids’ feature protagonists of both genders, Babies and relationships—cooing that a baby as well as ones that show boys and girl and baby boy are “girlfriend girls having great friendships. She rec- Little Kids and boyfriend,” for example. If you ommends approaching a children’s hear something like this, model the librarian with a simple request: “I language you’d prefer be used in front have a 5-year-old son. I’m looking for MIX UP PLAYDATES books with little girls in them that Children start to form friendships are fun.” For ideas, see our list of as early as age 1, says Mike Monsour, recommended books on page 70. Family PhD, author of Women and Men as Friends. Invite boys and girls for group playdates to make socializing with both genders routine for your How to Teach Boys and Girls children from an early age. “Younger kids want to understand what it to Get Along for Life means to be a boy or a girl,” says Comments like “He’s going to be a heartbreaker” Andrei Cimpian, PhD, lab director of the Cognitive Development Lab at may seem harmless, but they can make kids WE HAVE EVERYTHING TO GAIN AND NOTHING TO LOSE BY ENCOURAGING New York University. “They’re on think of the opposite gender in a romantic way. KIDS TO BEFRIEND THE OPPOSITE SEX, NOW AND FOREVER. the lookout for any information they By Jennifer Chen can glean from their social world about what boys are like and what LUMINA/STOCKSY girls are like.” 66 REAL SIMPLE JANUARY 2020 JANUARY 2020 REAL SIMPLE 67 RELATING Tweens and Teens When kids grow up in homes where ENCOURAGE COLLABORATIVE parents share housework, they become adults PROJECTS who share more fairly too. Group activities, such as coed soccer or a music program like School of Rock, are good for this age group, says John Duffy, PsyD, author of Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety. Learning side-by-side and working the person who will actually get toward a common goal help build the job done. Call BS on a household respect and give kids a chance to where Dad deals with anything in see their male and female peers in a the garage and Mom’s domain is the different light, explains Borba. She Big Kids kitchen. The kids can and should recommends a national creative com- be part of tasks. Divvy them up so petition program called Odyssey of the everyone is doing a bit of everything. Mind, which brings kids together to SET UP GROUP ACTIVITIES A study from Western Washington solve open-ended problems. (Check The best way to encourage boys University found that when kids odysseyofthemind.com to find a and girls to hang out is to give them grow up in homes where parents chapter in your area.) something to do that they all find fun, share housework, they become says Cimpian. Cooking classes, a adults who share more fairly too. board game club, a group hike, or a HOST A VIEWING PARTY shared project on Minecraft or Bitsbox If your kid’s friends are obsessed with a are fantastic gender-neutral options. DON’T STRESS ABOUT RESISTANCE certain show (hello, Stranger Things), They can also bond through helping Around middle school, your kid offer to hold a binge night at your house. others, volunteering together, or orga- might start to cringe when you Order pizza and then make yourself nizing a charity garage sale. If your suggest hanging out with boys (or scarce (i.e., stop hovering and eaves- kids are into sleepovers, you could girls) or inviting a mixed group to a momming). A group hang in front of a consider a coed one when they’re 7 party. No need to force interaction, screen is a low-stakes way to encourage or 8, says Monsour, who has studied but keep an eye out for fun, informal coed conversations. The kids can sit male-female platonic friendships opportunities, like joining a youth alongside each other and talk, which for more than 25 years. “Staying over group. “You don’t have to say any- may feel less overwhelmingly intimate at someone’s house can make you thing,” advises Borba: Just continue to than looking someone in the eye. closer to that person in a different provide casual ways to interact with way,” he says. You could also host diverse groups. Your neighborhood is a backyard movie night or a book key here, given how easy it is for your PREP THEM FOR TRICKY SITUATIONS club at your house. kid to walk next door, ring the bell, Of course, no matter how empathetic and ask if Lorenzo (or Lauren) can and open-minded your own kids are, play. All the better if kids organically they’ll probably encounter inappro- TEACH THE VALUE OF TEAMWORK form a multihouse, mixed-gender, priate or offensive conversations Whether or not you grew up in a all-ages game of capture the flag or or hear peers make sexist comments. family in which boys always took out kick the can before dinner. Talk about these kinds of remarks, the garbage and girls always set the why people make them, and good table, show your kids that housework ways to respond. Help your kids prac- doesn’t have to be gendered. It’s an tice a few brief but assertive come- important step toward fostering backs. Duffy recommends neutral equality and respect. It’s even better statements, like “Let’s not go there,” if you and your partner work collabo- or “That’s not cool.” If the situation ratively to demonstrate that the best continues, they can say something like person for the job is—lo and behold!— “I’m not going to be part of this,” and walk away. 68 REAL SIMPLE JANUARY 2020 RELATING BOOKS THAT FOSTER FRIENDSHIPS These titles prove to kids we’re actually all from the same planet. (What a concept!) LADYBUG GIRL AND ANOTHER A SWIRL OF OCEAN ODD ONE OUT BUMBLEBEE BOY by Christian Robinson by Melissa Sarno by Nic Stone by David Soman and A wordless picture book With her best friend, Jere- This book deals with boy- Jacky Davis about a little girl who dis- miah, 12-year-old Summer girl friendships, sexuality, Lulu and Sam are having covers another world and searches for answers and first love. trouble deciding what to do meets boys and girls of dif- about why she was left on For ages 14 and up at the playground. When ferent races and abilities. the beach as a baby. they adopt their alter egos, For ages 8 to 12 a ladybug and a bumblebee, they find a game that includes both heroes. For ages 3 to 5 YOU ASKED LADY PANCAKE FOR PERFECT & SIR FRENCH TOAST BRIDGE TO by Laura Silverman by Josh Funk and TERABITHIA When overachiever Ariel Brendan Kearney by Katherine Paterson needs a calculus tutor, Two breakfast foods Best friends Leslie Burke he falls for his tutor, Amir, SAKURA’S CHERRY resolve their fight over and Jess Aarons invent an while his female best BLOSSOMS the last drop of syrup imaginary world to defeat friend, Sook, wants him by Robert Paul Weston in the fridge.
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