Sunday February 11th,1996 Vol. 3, issue 8 “If you torture the data enough, it will confess.”

Warning,Achtung,Attenzionne: the ambient randomness and bizarre nonreferences contained herein grossly exceed any and all prerequisites for a contiguous and linear literary experience; you 'ave been warned. You rush from your room to class, from class to class, from class to go eat, from eating to your room, and your day is over in a blink. Soon it's your week, month and quarter gone the same way. In four years you look back and you simply can not figure out where the time went. So where does all of your time go? Of course you must know by now that we have been thinking hard about this very topic (and no, your time does not travel through a vortex straight to us. We simply maintain rock steady grade point averages of 1.2 while coming up with random thoughts to amuse ourselves). We figure there are some pretty obvious cul- prits who until now have eluded the larger public’s detection. Here's the Most Wanted List: •Santa Claus ("..you have a very nasty habit of surviving"). We can buy the fact that he can make toys for all the world's children in one year (hooray for non-existent North Pole labor laws!), but delivering all the goods in one night? Forget about it. He must suck up some of everyone's free time and use it all on his mid- night run. Think of losing your time as a trade-off for one magical, feel-good day (maybe he uses quantum physics; after all, if you believe in Santa, it's no great stretch to believe in quantum physics). What's that you say? Your time evaporates like toluene on a hot plate and you don't even celebrate Christ-x? Well, start! It doesn't matter what religion you are! We just took the "mas" out of it for you! •The Inventors of Stupid Things. No one is immune from the plague of infomercials congesting our air- waves, and actual people have to invent these damn things to be sold en masse (just think of all the "harm- less" infomercial radio waves that pass through your body every day, not to mention the horrible influence radio waves shot into space are having on the Zxqtvpl battle fleet as they decide whether or not to enslave the third planet from Sol or just steal all of their "I Love Lucy" memorabilia). And we're not talking about "Formula P-38 Car Protectant (Restore the shine after a nuclear holocaust!)". At least there's some schmoe in a lab somewhere putting time into developing that stuff. We mean the things that obviously no one would ever, ever think of buying until it comes on TV with the promise of making your life even less laborious than it already is! The Shiwala™, in case a cinder-block sized car sponge takes too much time. The little foot pump for rais- ing the toilet seat so you don't actually have to bend down to lift it. The Vacuum Sealer™, that pumps excess air out of potato chip bags to keep them (the chips, not the bags) fresh. Like potato chips last long enough to become stale anyway. The Salad Shooter™. The Salad Shooter?!? When did the knife become obsolete, and why, in the name of god, would someone want to go around shooting poor innocent vegetables? I wonder if there is a waiting period to buy the Salad Shooter.... We're willing to concede that the ideas come to these inventors in sudden flashes of insight (This microwave bacon rack will solve domestic kitchen problems forever!). Your time gets taken in the mass pro- duction and rapid marketing of this stuff. And these products don't leave you with more time, just with less money. •The Government, using alien technology to steal the time out of your existence. They could use it to come up with a budget plan, but it probably ends up in some dinky bureaucratic corner like The Federal Moose Surveying Center. Maybe we should lay off X-Philes for a while. •Computers. Computers save time like kudzu stops soil erosion. ‘Nuff said. •Childbirth. Any woman in labor (or baboon, or what ever else they happen to be using as surrogate (the next huge political scandal...right up there with...oh, I forget the name of it. Happened at that hotel, with the guy who was a crook and died....) mothers these days) can tell you that it seems like it lasts forever (especial- ly since western medical practitioners insist on having women lie down instead of squatting, like they should). It doesn't take forever, but can, potentially, absorb it. As the child is born, the inevitable stretch marks almost instantly form, and capture time. The space-time continuum has been compared to a trampo- line, where any large mass warps it. It fact, the space-time continuum is more analogous to mother's bellies. Those stretch marks are actually time capacitors (as are those mysterious tire marks found on back roads that look as though a car going 70mph suddenly slammed into reverse and somehow drove sideways (so the tires don’t roll, but flip. Come on guys, keep up with me here). These are the crop circles of high populated areas (which also appear, rarely, as burnt rubber in your underwear. I have no idea why this is, though entire philosophies have come and gone, attempting to answer this critical question); spot welds in reality, absorb- ing all the time you waste when saving time using your computer (see above suspect)). That's why, to men, women always seem to have more time, and are expected to cook, clean, raise kids, have an outside job (as long as she isn't making more money than he is), dote on her mate, do his laundry, and essentially make her life revolve around him. And why shouldn't she? She potentially has all the time in the world. ¥Hey, look! No footnotes!† †Doh! Views from Gracies Dinnertime Theatre Page 2 Hell’s Kitchen Over the summer our staff tried to do our part to make RIT a more live- ly place by trying to get Harlan Ellison to come speak (don't know him? He's written more than forty Bill Maher hosting “Politically Harlan Ellison writing a new story in a Incorrect” on Comedy Central. two books, three dozen motion pic- bookstore window A by no means inclusive tures and television scripts,and more A by no means inclusive A by no means inclusive list of list of works by Bill Maher than 1100 essays, reviews, articles, works by Harlan Ellison short stories, and newspaper MOVIES NOVELS “Pizza Man” (1991) columns. He still sends all of his Web of the City (1958) “Cannibal Women in the acceptance slips to the teacher he had The Sound of a Scythe (1960) Avocado Jungle of Death” in college who told him he'd never Spider Kiss (1961) (1988) publish anything. To the GDT head “House II: The Second Story” editors, he is a minor authoral deity, GRAPHIC NOVELS (1987) Demon With a Glass Hand (Graphic right up there with Terry Pratchett, Adaptation with Marshall Rogers) TELEVISION Richard Bach, and Ayn Rand, way up (1986) “Politically Incorrect” (Present) there). When we contacted him, he Night and the Enemy (Graphic "Charlie Hoover" (1991) seemed interested in coming to speak Adaptation with Ken Steacy) (1987) “Out of Time” (1988) saying that he hadn't been in Vic and Blood: The Chronicles of a Boy and his Dog (Graphic Adaptation with “Club Med” (1986) Rochester for some time. He even “Sara” (1985) Richard Corben) (1989) offered to reduce his normal speak- er's fee as well as spend the day SHORT STORY COLLECTIONS GDT The Deadly Streets (1958) Recycled before his lecture speaking in various Sex Gang (as Paul Merchant) (1959) literary and film classes around cam- Works A Touch of Infinity (1960) pus. Children of the Streets (1961) We’re going Our staff editors drew up a pro- Gentleman Junkie and other stories of the hung-up generation (1961) to be bringing out some of posal and submitted it to the College Ellison Wonderland (1962) the old issues and... Activities Board, who after a month Paingod and other delusions (1965) Reusing, Rehashing, of postponement, finally rejected the I Have No Mouth & I Must Scream (1967) Reducing, Redeeming, proposal. They did however, invite From the Land of Fear (1967) Redirecting, Reillustrating, Bill Maher, host of “Politically Love Ain't Nothing but Sex Misspelled Reiterating, Reviving, and Incorrect” and star of the B-movie (1968) regenerating. "Cannibal Women in the Avocado The Beast That Shouted Love at the Heart of the World (1969) We’re going to be poking Jungle of Death." our noses in fiddeling around Over the Edge (1970) It seems ironic that the “Politically with some of the whatsit, De Helden Van De Highway (Dutch Incorrect” staff found Harlan Ellison publication only) (1973) then cleaning it up; any area All the Sounds of Fear (British publication in an issue where we’ve gone to be interesting and current enough to have on their show, but CAB pre- only) (1973) over it a second time and The Time of the Eye (British publication realized it could have been so ferred Bill Maher. only) (1974) much more gets an overhaul. If you are interested in seeing Approaching Oblivion (1974) Look for them where ever Harlan Ellison speak at RIT, help us Deathbird Stories (1975) you see the recycled GDT encourage CAB to see the light. If No Doors, No Windows (1975) emblem. you have no opinion, read one of his Hoe Kan Ik Schreeuwen Zonder Mond books and then see how you feel. (Dutch publication only) (1977) Strange Wine (1978) Colloquial Contest Gracies Dinnertime Theatre Page 3 Shatterday (1980) Colloquial Contest Stalking the Nightmare GDT's first, and possibly last contest. For the next GDT Colloquial (1982) few weeks we will be printing up several common colloqui- Angry Candy (1988) alisms which have been reconstructed in a more verbose Contest Rules and Ensamvark (Swedish manner. The winner of the contest will be the person capa- Regulations: publication only) (1992) ble of deciphering more of these colloquialisms than anyone This contest is restricted to Jokes Without Punchlines else. The prize will be fifty dollars (cash, none of this "the (1995) card" crap), and if the winner chooses, they may also only those people registered as Rough Beasts (1995) become privy to the secrets of "Cafe Diablo" the most dia- students at the RIT campus. Slippage (1996) bolical coffee in the world and the official drink of Hell Inc. Others may send answers, but may not be counted among the COLLABORATIONS The winner's name will be posted in the first issue of vol- Partners in Wonder: sf ume 4. All answers must be sent to GDT by Reading Day winners circle. st, collaborations with 14 (February 21 1996) at the end of the quarter. GDT bids you other wild talents (1971) good luck. Additional... The Starlost: Phoenix ...all GDT staff members Without Ashes (with This Week’s Colloquialisms: are prohibited from entering Edward Bryant) (1975) this contest, as well as any of Mind Fields: 33 stories 22. Abstention from any aleatory undertak- their family members, lovers, inspired by the art of ings precludes a potent escalation of a lucrative pets, or body parts. Any GDT Jacek Yerka (1994) nature. staff member caught leaking OMNIBUS VOLUMES 23. Missiles of ligneous or oterous consis- information to the public at The Fantasies of Harlan tency have the potential of fracturing my osseous large will be given their choice Ellison (1979) structure, but appellations will eternally remain of five delightful hideous exe- Dreams With Sharp Teeth innocuous. cutions, in addition to having (1991) to make a batch of Cafe Diablo 24. Rejection of conspicuous consumption NON-FICTION & for the staff. ESSAYS prevents penury. Memos From Purgatory Send answers to [email protected], or send replies to: GDT, 438 Clay Rd. Apt. C, Rochester NY 14623 (1961) If you should happen to miss any of the issues from volume 3, you may find them on our web site, or alternatively The Glass Teat: essays of you can purchase hard copies through our fan club. opinion on television The GDT staff editors would like to apologize to (1970) The Other Glass Teat: GDTGDTeeee those of you out there who have recently ordered further essays of GDTee shirts. We haven’t quite finished processing opinion on television ShirtsShirts the order yet. We will get to it as soon as we can (1975) remember what gear are asses are supposed to be in, The Book of Ellison so keep your panties on. And I suppose for those of (Edited by Andrew Porter) (1978) you who were interested in purchasing a GDTee shirt, Sleepless Nights in the but missed the deadline, here’s your chance. That Procrustean Bed (edited deadline has been extended for a short period of time. by Marty Clark) (1984) These limited edition tees come in four sizes: An Edge in My Voice small, medium, large, and extra large. The image of (1985) Harlan Ellison's Watching the blissful Lemme-pig leaping off of a table appears (1989) on the back Along with the phrase indicated.On the The Harlan Ellison front of the tee is the GDT logo over the left breast Hornbook (1990) pocket area. SCREENPLAYS, ETC The price is $8 for fan club members and $10 for The Illustrated Harlan non-members. All money raised goes towards the Ellison (Edited by future printing costs of this free publication. Byron Preiss) (1978) “Eagles soar but a Place orders through: [email protected] or call Harlan Ellison's Movie weasel will never get (1990) (716)-334-6613. Remember to state the size and num- sucked into a jet ber you wish to order. engine.” cont pg 4... Gracies Dinnertime Theatre Page 4 mm The surface of our home only devours a mere seven percent of oo rr cont from pg 3... rr ee planet is mostly the whole you might say, "Well, why bother." FF nn I, Robot: The Illustrated oorr water, so why do you The answer is that your own personal con- CC hear such urgent cringing sumption is not limited just to that which Screenplay (Based on ee -Kellyover Gunter water shortages? you use in the home. Ours is supposed to be Isaac Asimov's story- hh It's true that seventy percent a democratic society and if you look at it it's cycle) (1994) tt of the surface of our globe is cov- not really. However, there are certain parts of The City on the Edge of ered with water, but 97.2% of that our society that are entirely democratic and Forever (1995) water is salt water. That leaves 2.8% for our you cast your ballot for it every day. In our RETROSPECTIVES consumption, although not entirely. The aver- market economy, you vote on what you find Alone Against Tomorrow: age american is said to use 580,000 gallons a to be acceptable practice for business, most of A 10-Year Survey(1971) year. If every human on the Earth were to do the time without even having any back- The Essential Ellison: A likewise we would already be exceeding the ground. The idea of it is important when 35-Year Retrospective 2.8% of fresh water available. speaking of water consumption and I will (Edited by Terry It seems that these days the world is deter- pursue the rest of the implications of this Dowling, with Ricard mined to drink itself under the table. Evidence idea in later installments. For every product, Delap and Gil Lamont) has been gathered to substantiate that the service, or even business or charity you sup- 1987 water table is falling in Africa, China, India, port, you are responsible for the water con- AS EDITOR North America, and the former Soviet Union. sumed while preforming whatever service Dangerous Visions (1967) On over one quarter of the irrigated properties was rendered. Nightshade and in the United States alone, the water table has Next week I will talk about several meth- Damnations the finest been dropping between six inches, and four ods of cutting down on water consumption stories of Gerald Kersh feet a year. within the home. It is however, important to (1968) If you’re suddenly curious (or not, hell, I'll reiterate what I have already said. Although I Again, Dangerous tell you anyway) how you can start to con- will write about other methods of cutting Visions (1972) sume a smaller percentage of water than you down on water consumption, there are no Medea: Harlan's World already do, one of the best pieces of advice I other actions you can preform that will cut (1985) can give you is become a vegetarian. down on your water usage more than just The Harlan Ellison According to one of my sources, the amount becoming a vegetarian. Discovery Series: of water necessary to produce a month’s Stormtrack by James worth of food for a meat eater is actually more Sources: Sutherland (1975) than the water needed to produce a year’s Nontoxic, Natural, and Earthwise by Debra Autumn Angels by worth of food for a vegetarian. One serving of Lynn Dadd Arthur Byron Cover steak can have a water consumption equiva- Alternative Energy Sourcebook edited and (1975) lent of 2600 gallons, a hamburger is about published by John Schaeffer (this is mostly a The Light at the End of 1300 gallons, while one serving of grain, veg- compilation of advertisements for earthwise the Universe by Terry etables or fruit might be any where from three products) Carr (1976) to one hundred gallons. At its greatest degree Islands by Marta of water consumption, grain, fruit, and vegeta- If you have any questions, com- Randall (1976) bles are still one twenty-sixth the amount of ments, ideas, issues, or products Involution Ocean by consumption for that of a serving of steak. In you want me to discuss, or Bruce Sterling (1978) fact about 50% of the water consumed in the would like to write something US on a yearly basis is by livestock, 25% is up yourself, send all to other agriculture, and 7% is home use. After realizing that use of water in the [email protected]

Random Acts of E-mail TION FOR YOU: HERE'S YOUR FREAK- -Mark Nowak YOU KNOW WHY BIRDS DON'T WRITE THEIR BIOGRA- ING RANDOM ACT OF PHIES? BECAUSE THEY DON'T LEAD EPIC LIVES, THAT'S FREAKING E-MAIL, YOU PERNICIOUS PEDANTIC PEDOPHILIC WHY!! WHO WOULD WANT TO READ ABOUT WHAT A BIRD PACADERMISH PHILANTHROPIC THING WITH THE THING DOES? NOBODY, THAT'S WHO! THAT SHOOTS THOSE THINGS, OUT OF THE, ER, YOU THIS IS CHANGING THE SUBJECT, BUT HAVE YOU EVER KNOW.... NOTICED HOW SOMEBODY CAN SAY SOMETHING COMPLETE- AMAZING HOW QUICKLY ONE CAN RUN OUT OF ADJEC- LY LOONY AND NOT BE AWARE OF IT? WHAT SHOULD YOU TIVES, ISN'TIT? WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY RANDOM ACTS DO, WAIT UNTIL THEY TOP THEMSELVES OR JUST WACK 'EM OF E-MAIL THINGS ANYWAY? AND HERE'S ANOTHER QUES- THEN AND THERE? Gracies Dinnertime Theatre Page 5 Salutations, and welcome. The Martyr of the Week for February 11-17 would expectantly be St. Valentine, but alas, -Troy Liston he is a trifle overrated of the week in my book (it’s a BIG book). My pick for this week is St.Juliana (Feb 16). Juliana was a Roman Christian Virgin who refused to marry the local provost, Eleusius. When her pagan father learned of this he savagely beat her and then turned her over to the authorities for being a Xian. The authority was none other than the rejected (and irate) Eleusius. Not one to forgive and forget, he had our saint stretched between pillars and then poured molten metal on her. She survived, but was thrown into prison. In her cell she was confronted by the devil (calling himself the “son of beelzebub”)with whom she debated and wrestled. Juliana bound the devil in chains, beat and interrogated him (he St Juliana still managed to escape). As pay back the devil (disguised as an angel) testified against Juliana at her trial. She was convicted, condemned and beheaded. Of course the other great martyr of note this week is St. Valentine (do you really need the date). He was a Roman physician and priest who was beheaded under Claudius the Goth in 269. The tradition of exchanging cards on this day comes from the medieval belief that birds chose their mates on this day.

Regular readers may Take responsibility for who you choose to be and recognize this week’s for your actions. God File; it’s a cheery lit- Earn the admiration and, yes, the respect of tle piece of fluff I God. Shun His pity. whipped up one day To truly call ourselves children of God, then we when feeling particularly must grow to that which is beyond God. That is upset by a number of the course of all children, and the hope of every members of the parent. It is time for us to grow up, either as indi- Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship. viduals or as a people. Enjoy.... Am I a sinner or blasphemer for saying these things? A Call to Arms If it is a sin to hold human ability to be sacred For nearly two thousand years, Christians have and to be saddened by seeing potential wasted, preached the gospel of a loving God. For two thou- then yes. If it is a sin to want only what is earned, sand years they have taken that love, without earn- then yes. If it is a sin to believe in the unlimited ing it. potential of the individual, then yes! Yes a thou- Like a insolent child, we have continued in our sand times! ways of cruelty and hate, always knowing that God only seems high because we rest upon our unconditional love was there for us. Why work to knees, believing that to be the only way. the best of our ability when we are handed a prize Those who dare, come! Rise from your knees for being wicked? and take your rightful place! The time has come to earn that love. Let us end the love of what we could be, and replace it with Do you have a theological topic you’d like the love of who we are. Earn God's love and admi- to discuss or simply have some thoughts ration. Demand the highest, not only of yourself, but of others. Dare to take your rightful place on a God/Gods (be they benevolent or beside God; not as a lesser being, but as His equal. malevolent)? Send them to The God File Recognize yourself as a Creator in your own right. c/o: [email protected] Gracies Dinnertime Theatre Page 6 • Do you think the world owes you something just because your specific consciousness and body happened to unite? • Are you too bored with life to try to earn respect through your actions and words? • Have you ever said to yourself, "I wish I were on TV."? Well you're in luck because, just in time for Valentines Day, comes the Ricki Lake Instant Attitude Gift Pack! Just look at what our special 20 page pamphlet (lots of pictures) and instruc- tional video can teach you: • Learn to use such phrases as "Talk to the hand" and "Don't go there"! • Discover the art of seducing your neighbor, neighbor's spouse, ex, ex's spouse, ex's neighbor's spouse, assorted relatives, pets, and freaks! • Let the instructional video show you how to turn a polite "Hello" into an ongoing blood feud! Only $19.95 plus shipping and handling. As a bonus, order now and receive "The Art of Transvestitism" how-to video. Learn from the experts! What are you waiting for?! Call now!! 1-800-ALL-THAT!!

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After reading various issues of GDT you may have come to the opinion that the staff of Hell’s Kitchen have no moral scruples what Survey Siege-week 4 so ever. We have no sacred cows either, although Melancholy You know, we did have some devastatingly Predator has a molting mascot, but that is way beyond the point. funny material filling this page, but then I real- There is nothing we won’t print and you know it. ized I had forgotten to slip in the survey (as I This isn’t entirely true, because GDT was started after our staff promised) this week. So here it is. Guys, this is members became disenchanted with the normal realm that humor wasting valuable space. Answer the damn resides, and we wanted to make a nice cosy place where our dis- questions, or you will soon have one. Very. turbed mental psyches could happily Boring. GDT. cavort without fear of top ten lists, dumb blonde jokes, or any of the other hideously common things you might “Would you rather cut sports pro- find while browsing through, “Truly grams or art programs in Public Tasteless Jokes” (whatever volume you Schools?” have, they’re all the same) or receiving “Would you rather give your mother a mass e-mailings. dildo or a hickey?”hickey? So if you, like us, just can’t seem to find that last shred of human decency Send replies to GDT care of [email protected] you used to keep in your sock drawer, then join us. We don’t care if you’re Random Facts: from the U of R, RIT, or even half way During the American Revolutionary around the world, we want you. And if War, Captain Abraham Whipple dis- you could manage it, we would really guised his ship and joined a group of like to have a flaming homosexual become one of our writers as well. We British ships sailing for the West Indies. want some one to come along and really Every night, for ten nights in a row, he make us question our sexuality. However, we are not desperately in and his men secretly captured one of need of any ex-catholics, we already have enough of those, in fact we the British ships and sailed it to Boston. even have one pseudo ex-catholic. Though it was great for the Americans, Send submissions and responses to GDT care of Whipple did it all for the money, mak- [email protected] ing over one million dollars selling the or 438 Clay Rd. Apt. C., Rochester NY 14623 Check out our web site at http://www.rit.edu/~sth8884/gdt.html ships and their contents.