WEEKLY WORLD no cents!
TATA Villa Roma PublicationTLER Joel Peterson Editor-in-Chief VILLA ROMA’S “DOC” HOLIDAY SHOCK! TO LEAD CAR CARAVAN TO U.F.O. FAIR AND PARADE! Dateline Pine Bush NY - As the town of Pine Bush prepares for its annual U.F.O. Fair and Parade, scheduled for Saturday May, 19, they may be welcoming more unusual “visitors” than they had bargained for. “What’s that you say?” shocked local resident Bucky Flint exclaimed as he adjusted his tinfoil hat, “Doc Holiday’s coming to Pine Bush? That guy’s freakin’ nuts!” Whether he’s a simple crack-pot, or a madman-genius is de- batable. What is not up to debate is the fact that “Doc” has a car caravan scheduled to leave the front circle of the Villa Roma Re- sort and Hotel at 9:00 am on the morning of May 19th. They will be leaving the Fair in Pine Bush at 2:00 pm that afternoon for their return trip to the world famous Catskills resort. The Alien revelers and little-green-men watchers in the small upstate New York hamlet can only hunker down and wait for the arrival of the starry-eyed followers from Callicoon, and their charismatic, Svengali-like leader “Doc “Holiday. Reached at his mountaintop lair, which searves as both laboratory and launching pad. Mr. Holiday could be heard muttering, as if almost to himself, “Alien Family Game Show! Best in Galaxy Beauty Pageant! Eye Spy an Alien! Food! Arts! Vendors! Speakers! Novelty items for sale! ...and the parade! Dress in costume, or just come out and people-watch! Ah-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!” DISGRUNTLED BEE-KEEPER ABDUCTS
Remember! OUT-OF-SHAPE SPACE ALIEN! When they ask Dateline Equinunk PA - In an usual turn of events, a human be- where you heard ing abducted an extraterrestrial in northeastern Pennsylvania it, tell ‘em “I read it in the late Friday night. Tattler!” “I got sick and tired of this porky, little piece of work show- ing up every weekend trying to probe me and drag me out to his dang blasted saucer,” said local bee-keeper Henry Tirebiter. “So I kicked his little gray bee-hind. When he came to, the shoe was on the other foot, and I was the one doing the prob- (see pg. 87)
WEEKLY WORLD no cents!
TAIssue 2 T A Villa RomaTLER Publication Joel Peterson Editor-in-Chief BOOK READING BOY BAFFLES
WOW! SCIENTISTS! Dateline Coxsackie NY - When Billy “Bud” Baxter cracked open his first book, his mother, Jaxie Pleather, fainted dead away. “I heard the spine of the book crack, I guess,” Ms. Pleather recounted. “I just figured it was Bud’s baby daddy opening a can of Utica Club. Then I turned around and saw it: Bud had his nose stuck in a book, and was read- ing it all by hisownself! Now, I seen him many times with his nose stuck in his phone. I even seen him once with a honey jar stuck on his head when he was a baby, but I never seen him with his nose Billy “Bud” Baxter digs into his latest tome, much to Cricket’s disdain. stuck in a book. It was freaky.” Billy “Bud” Baxter explains: “I was in school, in time-out, with my best friend Cricket, Monique’s Book Boutique and we were texting back and forth on our phones. 3347 NY-52, White Sulphur Springs, NY 12787 (845) 292 - 2665 He sent me an extra long text, and I said, ‘write me a book, whydon’tcha?’ The next thing I know, he Read It Again Used Bookstore hits me upside the head with this.” Billy “Bud” 63 North St, Monticello, NY 12701 held up a hardcover copy of The Adventures of (845) 794 - 0017 Tom Sawyer. “At first I was gonna throw it back at him, but as it lay open on my desk, I noticed that it Loose Leaf Pages Inc. was made up of letters and words, just like a text! I 627 Main St. Honesdale, PA 18431 started reading it, and you know what? It’s about a (570) 253-0907 kid my age. Once I figured out how to turn the pages, I just kept on going, and now I’m almost One Grand Books finished with it. I think I might try to read another 60 Main St, Narrowsburg, NY 12764 (845) 252 - 3541 one of these things!” As The Weekly World Tattler went to Letterhead Comics press, Billy “Bud” Baxter’s mother Jaxie continues 1023 Main St, Honesdale, PA 18431 to monitor her son for any sign of fever, discom- (570) 352 - 5041 fort, personality disorder or demonic possession.
Cuddle up in a cozy nook, with a warm drink and a book, within a winter symphony—B. Wilson
WEEKLY WORLD no cents!
TAIssue 3 T A Villa RomaTLER Publication Joel Peterson Editor-in-Chief SASQUATCH SIGHTING IN SULLIVAN COUNTY! Dateline Callicoon - When Vern Aschendorff of Staten Island New York decided to spend a week in late April in the bucolic Catskill Mountains, the last thing he expected was to come face to face with a legendary cryptohominid. Some call it sasquatch, yeti, or the abominable snowman. Some call it skunk-ape or menk, but most just know it as Bigfoot. “Me and my two buddies here (“Skeeter” and Jim “Roger” Green, both of Bucksnort Tennessee) were hiking down a trail near a local resort, when we seen it. It had to be at least twelve feet tall, and seven feet wide, all covered with hair, and stinkin’ to high heaven.” He went on to de- scribe the creature’s eyes glowing like two red hot coals in it’s eyesockets. He then claimed that some kind of cork- screw shaped horn began to grow out the middle of his SHOCK! forehead. Aschendorff gesticulated furiously as he com- pared the creature to some sort of a cross between a quad- ruple sized orangutan and an overly excited unicorn. “I’ll never forget the smell,” Aschendorff continued. “It was like something between a mildly moldy hay bale and a slightly wet collie dog. It was moderately disagreeable, just really somewhat objectionable.” When asked what the three men did when confronted with the great woodland behemoth, Jim “Roger” Green visibly prick- led: “What the heck do you think we done? We turned tail and run for it!” Asked if they were scared, Jim “Roger” Green disdainfully spat out his plug of chaw. “Hell’s no, we wasn’t scared!” he declared. “We was just a little surprised, is all, right fellas?” Aschendorff absently looked down at his feet and picked at a dust bunny with his sneaker toe. “I wasn’t scared neither,” said Skeeter. Glancing at Aschendorff, he volunteered that his friend Vern was really terribly frightened at the time, and had in fact “peed hisself a little.” “BABY NESSIE” SIGHTED IN CRYSTAL LAKE Dateline Fremont Center - A small, foot long Plesiosaur-like lake monster sud- denly appeared in the choppy waters of Crystal Lake in the early evening of May 5th. “I wasn’t about to wait around for ‘Mama’ to show up,” said eye witness Fred “Chicken” Waffles. “That thing is prolly over thirty feet long with big sharp teeth and a tail that’d kill a man with a single swat! No sir, I turned and got th’ f– cont pg 58
WEEKLY WORLD no cents!
TAIssue 4 T A Villa RomaTLER Publication Joel Peterson Editor-in-Chief
THE HIPPIES ARE COMING!
VW “BUG” & BUS STATUES TO BE PLACED ON NY STATE THRUWAY Dateline White Lake - The reception to Sullivan County New York’s “Dove Trail,” incorporating 50 large fiberglass dove statues, to commemorate the 50th Anniversary of the Woodstock Festival, has been so positive that a second, similar project has been announced. Artists from all over New York State are busily painting 500,000 Volkswagen Beetle and Minibus statues in psychedelic 1960’s colors. When finished, the statues will be unveiled, and placed haphazardly up and down the New York State Thruway during August 15 - 18 this summer, effectively bringing traffic to a stand-still, commemorating one of the greatest traffic jams of all time.
WEEKLY WORLD no cents!
TAIssue 5 T A Villa RomaTLER Publication Joel Peterson Editor-in-Chief
MODERN ART!
CHRISTO DONATES FAMOUS PIECE TO CATSKILLS RESORT! Dateline Callicoon - Famed artist Christo Vladimirov Javacheff, known worldwide simply by his first name Christo, has installed one of his best known pieces “Wrapped Dove” at the Villa Roma Resort in Callicoon New York. When asked his motivation in placing a work in the Catskill Mountains, his response was both sur- prising, and bittersweet. He missed the borscht his Mama used to make for him as a small boy in Gabrovo Bulgaria. When he first heard of the“Borscht Belt” his heart melted, and he knew he had to visit the region and leave a small piece of himself behind as a thank you for a place that appreciates a big hearty bowl of - cont pg 58
WEEKLY WORLD no cents!
TAIssue 6 T A Villa RomaTLER Publication Joel Peterson Editor-in-Chief EARTH’S MOON TO HOST BELEAGUERED WOODSTOCK 50th ANNIVERSARY FESTIVAL Dateline Watkins Glen NY - With just 70 days left until the three day fes- tival marking the fiftieth anniversary of the 1969 Woodstock festival is due to begin, a second producer, CID entertainment, has severed ties with Woodstock 50 LLC. This was immediately following the Watkins Glen International Speed- way withdrawing their offer to host the event, which is expected to draw tens of thousands of eager concert goers. “We are in discussions with another venue to host Woodstock 50 on August 16- 18 and look forward to sharing the new location when tickets go on sale in the coming weeks,” stated Woodstock spokesman and academy award winner Gregory Peck. When asked about the location of the new venue, the venerated, late acting legend cleared his throat, patted Woodstock promoter Michael Lang on the back, and prodded him gently toward the microphone. Mr. Lang warmly greeted the gathered journalists, and proceeded to command the press conference with ease and authority, discussing all the options that still remain open in terms of permits, venues and the infrastructure thereof. After a strong beginning, he became quiet, and his eyes glazed over as he turned his head skyward and spread his Artist’s misconception of Wood- arms for dramatic effect. stock 50 promoter and cock- “...all of those plans are behind us now,” Lang continued, “as we have decided eyed optimist Michael Lang. to celebrate two 1969 anniversaries in one: Woodstock and the lunar landing.” As the crowd murmured and a sense of general befuddlement turned to that of genuine concern, Lang went on to describe his plans for the festival’s future. He had been trying to contact both Elon Musk and Rich- ard Branson in order to provide space buses to the Moon for four hundred and fifty thousand hippies to rock out on the Sea of Tranquility. The natural amphitheaters formed by several nearby craters would hold newly constructed stages, and biosphere-like bubbles would contain pumped in oxygen. Once water and food arrived via a joint Russian/US space effort, a series of elaborate waste disposal systems would be put in place to com- plete the necessary infrastructure improvements. The human waste, he said, could be stored in underground caves until such time as it could be converted into methane gas in order to fuel the rockets used to propel the concert revelers home. The best part, according to Lang: “no permits necessary whatsoever for anything!” When asked by an incredulous reporter if he had an alternate venue in mind, should these plans fall through, Lang’s face lit up with his trademark boyish grin. “I’ve been speaking to the consulate of the Martian Embassy in case of such an event, and things are looking really promising,” said the ever optimistic promoter.