Blessed be the Bond Christian Perspectives on Marriage and Family WILLIAM JOHNSON EVERETT Third Edition Blessed Be the Bond © 2011 W. J. Everett page 1 Copyright © William Johnson Everett 2011 This work may be downloaded, copied and printed out for individual use only. It may not be reproduced in whole or in part in any form for sale or other commercial purposes without written permission from the author. Blessed Be the Bond © 2011 W. J. Everett page 2 Contents Preface to the Third Edition 5 1. The Social Experience 8 Introduction: The Faith Challenge 8 The Four Subjects of Marriage 9 Person Couple Family Household The Subjects: From Fusion to Differentiation 12 The Challenge to Religion 15 2. The Framework of Theological Engagement 18 The Symbolic Interchange 19 Theological Roots of the Engagement 21 Purposes and Motives of Marriage 22 Purposes Motives 3. Symbols of Engagement 25 The Symbolic Model 25 The Christian Symbols 26 The Models 28 4. Symbolic Models in Transition 31 Marriage as Sacrament 32 Marriage as Vocation 36 Marriage as Covenant 39 Marriage as Communion 43 5. Winnowing the Harvest 48 The Bonds of Marriage and Family 48 Household and Family Bonds Spousal and Personal Bonds The Guiding Values 50 Personal Motives 51 Expression and Confirmation Motives and Hierarchical Models Blessed Be the Bond © 2011 W. J. Everett page 3 Motives and Organic Models Motives and Egalitarian Models Summarizing the Differences The Values of Love, Sex, and Sacrifice 58 Societal Purposes: Children and Security 61 Ecclesial Purposes 64 Sacrament Vocation Covenant Communion The Key Symbols in Theological Perspective 68 Theological Foundations: Nature and Grace Sacrament Vocation Covenant Communion Faith: The Trustworthy Relationship 73 6. A Contemporary Theology of Marriage 76 Marriage Is Natural 76 A Natural Metaphor for Faith Marital Nature: From Substance to Action Marriage as Communicative Union Marriage as Communion 78 The Grace of Empowering Resonance Conjugal Friendship: The Model of Equality Personal Identity in Communion From Communion to Covenant Covenanted Communion 84 The Marital Covenant The Parental Covenant Marital Vocation 93 Church as Sacrament of Marital Vocation 97 Contemporary Marriage and Family: Prospect and Practice 102 Personal Nurture Weddings Profession: Public Vocation Profession: Parental Vocation Chapter Notes 108 Blessed Be the Bond © 2011 W. J. Everett page 4 Preface to the Third Edition Blessed Be the Bond was first published by Fortress Press in 1985. It emerged not only from more than ten years of team-teaching a course on marriage and family at St. Francis Seminary, Milwaukee, but also from the searing and transformative experiences of my own divorce and remarriage. Through these experiences I found a deep need to bring together in a more critical and systematic way the perspectives of ethics, theology, and the sciences of psychology and theology. On this basis I then sought to provide a framework for ordering our theological reflection into a coherent contemporary perspective to guide individuals as well as religious and counseling professionals. This effort emerged alongside a far-reaching project to recast our fundamental religious symbols, derived from eras of patriarchy and kingship, in terms of contemporary language about democracy, republics, constitutions, and federalism. This companion volume, God’s Federal Republic: Reconstructing our Governing Symbol (Paulist Press, 1988) was a ―public‖ counterpart to this volume’s ―private‖ focus. Several of its key concepts, such as those of publicity and confirmation, play an important role here. At the same time, my wife Sylvia and I developed the OIKOS Project on Work, Family, and Faith. This was an adult education program to introduce people to the ―ecology‖ of the relationships between their family life and the spheres of economics, land, the church, and public life. This program provided the third leg for the tripod on which my camera of research, teaching, and study has rested for the past two decades. For more information on these companion projects you can visit our websites at www.WisdomsTable.net and www.WilliamEverett.com. When the second edition appeared from the University Press of America in 1989 I noted that it was useful for people studying ethics, theology, family life and the psychology or sociology of religion. It was used mainly in seminary teaching to help pastoral counselors and professionals in ministry or family care to respond to the issues and difficulties people experience in a time of rapid social change involving family life. Moreover, it could be useful for mature adults to put their life experience together in a more integrated way. For younger people it could Blessed Be the Bond © 2011 W. J. Everett page 5 even serve as a checklist for identifying points of resonance and dissonance in their emotional relationships. For all of us, it can help chart our role between the generations as we seek to convey patterns of life that have nurtured us and lay to rest those that have been hurtful. In 2010 Professor Richard Hunt, Senior Professor of Psychology at Fuller Theological School, invited me to work with him to make any revisions I wished and bring out an e-book version. Through his gracious intervention and encouragement I have gone back over the book carefully with his help, making numerous minor editorial changes to improve the clarity and accuracy of the text. I have not, however, attempted to update references to the voluminous literature in the area or deal with the changes that have occurred in the field of marriage and family studies. The one major change I would comment on is the rise of gay and lesbian family forms over the past twenty years – something that was scarcely on the horizon when I first wrote. However, I could see later, as I taught this course at Andover Newton Theological School in the late 1990s, that my emphasis on marriage as a communion of companions has been an important factor in the claim that marriage need not be limited to heterosexual partners. In addition, my focus on the increasing differentiation of person, marriage, family, and household was corroborated by the rise of new family forms led by gay and lesbian parents, not to mention the variety of ways divorced parents have maintained their parental relationships with their children. While we have yet to see how these developments will evolve further, they are in line with the changes I was identifying and reflecting on in the early 1980s. One thing that has not changed is the deep need for a continuing critical engagement of a wide range of Christian theology with the perspectives of the social sciences and their therapeutic or policy-making disciplines. I hope this little book can continue to make a contribution to this critical engagement. I want to cite especially in this regard the work of my friends the late Don Browning of the University of Chicago and his collaborator on many projects, John Witte, of Emory University’s Center for the Study of Law and Religion. The purpose of this edition is to present a new generation of students with a framework and language for talking about the intricate relationships between Christian faith and the psychological and sociological sciences. This framework, in my own judgment, has stood the test of time and warrants continued availability. As I said in the preface to the second edition, it offers a way to understand the relationships that give our lives their vital bonds as well as their constricting bondage. It is up to each reader to use it to construct the narrative for her or his own faith life in marriage and family. Blessed Be the Bond © 2011 W. J. Everett page 6 I closed the preface to the first edition with a recognition of how important it had been to know the resilience of parental bonds through my children and the riches of marital communion with my precious wife Sylvia. I rejoice that I can reaffirm that claim today as well. William Johnson Everett ―Overbrook‖ Waynesville, North Carolina March 2011 Blessed Be the Bond © 2011 W. J. Everett page 7 1 The Social Experience INTRODUCTION: THE FAITH CHALLENGE Our lives arise in the bonds created by our forebears. We come to fullness of life through the bonds we ourselves create; with others as well as with the world around us. When they are shattered so are we. When they are strong and resilient so are we. Nothing is more fundamental to our life than the affirmation of the bonds that bless our lives. Of all these bonds the bond of marriage has been held most dear and has received most fully the blessing of the church. The problem we sense acutely is that these bonds, especially those of marriage, have changed radically in recent generations. Moreover, we find our bonds tearing us apart as their objects fly in opposite directions. Or the bonds of our ancestors are a bondage to us. We find ourselves torn between bonds and blessings, between the affirmations of faith and the life we really lead. Many of these dilemmas come to rest within the problem of living out a faithful life in our marriages and families. This essay is a response to the challenge of finding blessings in the building of our bonds. Intense ambivalence has always characterized the church’s relationship with marriage and family. Indeed, the ministry of Jesus was largely indifferent to it as he tried to focus on a transcendent renewal of creation. Once Christians started to come to terms with married life, either to accept it or to change it, however, Christianity became embroiled in a controversy it has never resolved. Indeed, this is probably a dilemma defying resolution.