THE 1950s INSPIRED ALFIE AWARDS SPOOF ISSUE OF ALFRED UNIVERSITY

VOL. XVI ALFRED, N.Y., SATURDAY, MAY 1, 2010 NO. 16 “SUGGESTIVE AND VULGAR” GYRATING ALFIE BOBBLE HEAD GIVES PARENTS THE JITTERS

ALFRED, NY - Student outrage has erupted as University officials are - at tempting to censor the fifties-themed Alfie PROFESSIONALS’ Awards occurring on Saturday, May 1st. Some students feel the University has CONTRIBUTIONS gone too far with recent restrictions re- garding the actual bobbling of the King RECOGNIZED Alfred Bobble-Head trophy. The Universi- STAFF PASSION FOR FOLK ty argues that the movement is sexually DANCING AND RECYCLING suggestive and has asked that the tro- TO BE HONORED AT ALFIES phy be shown only from the waist down. “The Alfie Awards is a time for respect- The Alfie Academy, comprised of ful admiration for those who make Al- ten Alfred students and three profes- fred such a swell place to live. Certain sionals, have chosen this year’s reci- behavior will not be tolerated as it is im- peints of the “Outstanding Contribu- moral and leads to a life of debauch- tion by a University Professional” award. ery,” declared Dan Dogooder, Direc- The award was created to recog- tor of Appropriate Student Activities. nize those who go beyond their job de- “It is important to note that we will be cription to make Alfred a better place. focusing on the wholesome aspect of the Kacie Dean, president of Green Alfred, decade such as cardigans, poodle skirts, will present the first award to David Cham- root beer floats, sock hops, hula hoops and berlain and Alex Wake. Dave and Alex are those cute new Barbie dolls,” he added. members of the AU groundscrew and have Police Chief Jon Dowoody will be been extremely supportive of Green Al- on high-alert for greasers and hooli- fred’s initiaitves to improve recycling. They gans. “While we respect the individuals also collaborated with the club on creating rights to grease back their hair, those of a display of Alfred’s morning litter, showing us follicly-challenged may need to re- exactly what they, and their fellow grounds- spond accordingly and crack down on keepers, must clean up every morning. such shenanigans and tom-foolery.” Josette Turro, president of AU Swing “Ever since college kids started listen- will present the other award to Otto Mull- ing to Rock and Roll and reading those er and Sandra Singer. Muller, profes- pulp comics, my job has become less- sor of geology, and Singer, professor of than-nifty,” added Dean of Students German, have been running folk danc- Norman Drallop, who also enforces be- ing lessons for several years at Alfred. havior policy. “Please note that any reb- The pair share that the thing they love els, regardless of whether they have a about the lessons is “the mixture of stu- cause or are hopelessly ‘without a cause,’ dents, community members and teachers, will certainly not be awarded the Al- interacting with one another in this re- fie - as it would further inspire mischief.” laxed way outside of the classroom where The student reaction has been mixed as we all struggle with the steps together.” some students plan to attend in traditional fifties fashions while others, in an act of de- fiance, will wear blue-collar garbs such as PROVACATIVE ALFIE AWARD common blue jeans and undershirts. While the University will not restrict students’ freedom of expression, this newspaper has “SUGGESTIVE AND VULGAR… VOTE FOR YOUR included a guide of “fashion do’s and don’ts.” TINGED WITH THE KIND OF Following the awards ceremony a le- FAVORITE EVENTS, gitimate screening of Jack Arnold’s horror ANIMALISM THAT SHOULD BE PEOPLE, AND CLUBS classic The Creature from the Black Lagoon CONFINED TO DIVES AND will be shown outdoors on a 16mm pro- BORDELLOS” NOON - TUESDAY, APRIL 27 TO jector. 3-D glasses will be provided. Mini- NOON - FRIDAY, APRIL 30 burgers and milkshakes will be served to GO TO THE SURVEY SLIDE film watchers. The new Fashion Forward - 1950s The New York Daily News, club will also be hosting a dance party and ON MY.ALFRED runway walk, along with music from the referring to the gyrations of either Elvis ONE VOTE PER STUDENT fifties and today. Presley or the King Alfred Bobble-Head 3-D FILM SCREENING 10:30pm on academic alley Get your 3-D Glasses at the Alfie Awards

ARRIVE EARLY 7:30PM SATURDAY RECEPTION OUTSIDE OF HOLMES AUDITORIUM ‘50s CANDY SHOP RECEPTION CANDY BUTTONS CANDY NECKLACES TOOTSIE POPS NEKKO WAFERS AND MORE RETRO SWEETS

BLACK KNIGHT RETURNS by Chris Wszalek

The Black Knight is returning to the Alfred for their hall. Some of the highlights in the University campus this year as a new and competition have been the Dodge Ball Tour- improved “first-year hall cup.” This historic nament in September, the Homecoming figure is being created by one of AU’s own Football Game, and the Bo Burnham Event. ceramic art students, Alison Lenig. The First Year Hall Cup even has a Face- The First Year Hall Cup is a new competi- book Group that keeps students informed tion to encourage first-year students to get about upcoming events and the Hall Cup involved with student life and show their standings. Students have been coming out school spirit. The competition was devel- to the events on campus in great numbers oped by the Office of Residence Life last and now that the end of the year is in sight summer and was kicked off in August with the competition is heating up between the the First Year Olympics. To earn points for teams at the top of the standings. their respective halls, students just need At this point in the competition Cannon is to go to any event on campus and sign-in. in the lead but it is only by a small margin These activities include sporting events, RA over second-place Barresi and third-place programs, comedians, and musical perfor- Openhym. The winner will receive the new mances; just to name a few. Every event Black Knight Trophy as well as having an has a point value that the hall receives for end of the year party and championship t- each student that attends. shirts. The Black Knight Trophy will be un- In the inaugural year of competition there veiled and awarded to the winning hall at have been many lead changes and a great this year’s Alfies Award Show. So don’t miss deal of dedicated students that want to win the Black Knight’s epic return on May 1. THE SHOW Pre-Alfie Performance by Act V. Middle Eastern Dance Outstanding Returning Program 2009 Recipient: Midnight Breakfast Steam Whistle Cartel Best Performance in a Performing Arts Rocky Horror Picture Show Theater Production AIDS Charity Basketball Tournament 2009 Recipient: Sofie Miller Pine Hill Derby Welcome Jack Styles AU DISC Shirt and Tie Game Justin Pietropaolo Mud Olympics Kate Truini Glam Slam Act I. Alfred Swing Society Kristin Rubisch Beard and Mustache Competition Melanie Baker Best Radio Show Ned Allen 2009 Recipient: Eddie Money Hour Rachel Rutledge Act VIII. Natural Wood Pirate Radio - Ash and Moss Tyler McKenzie Cummins All A Capella – Sara Egan Infinite Sound – Max Feeman Best New Campus-Wide Program Lost Radio – Wilson, Halstead, Spadaro & Hanretty Best Performance in a Performing Arts 2009 Recipient: Passionately Pink for a Cure Random Radio – Billy Dickerson Dance Production Equest-Fest Rockets, Guns, and Galileo – Eric Hudack 2009 Recipient: Emily Smith DJ Club’s Premiere Late-Night Party Strange Things Afoot at the Circle K – Kristin Rubisch & Laura Smith Fix Your Bike Day Kari Aldrich Krystal Redding Native American Culture Show Tech Talk – Mike Stone, Issac Austin and Adrian Morling Katie Barlow Alfred Uncovered Chemistry Club – Metal Mustache Competition Capture the Flag Achievement by a Fiat Lux Staff Member Best Performer in a Performing Arts Black History Culture & Fashion Show 2009 Recipient: Kate Cohen Music Production Poder Latino Pool Party Eric Hudack – News Editor 2009 Recipient: Kristen Kovatch Jericho Shackelford – Managing Editor Adam Fiegl Justin McComb – Sports Editor Jackie Mathews Best New Organization Kristin Rubisch – Managing Editor Matt Phillips 2009 Recipient: Yoga Club Leah Houk – A&E Editor Megan McKee The DJ Club Nadine Titus – Ads Manager Mike Chrabaszez The Foundry Guild Nickelina Noel – Features Editor Defensive Boxing Club Stephanie Choi – Editor in Chief The Saxon Bike Hub Best Student Design or Management of a Game On! Performing Arts Production Amnesty International 2009 Recipient: Jamie Walsh Act II. The Sexy Pitches Allison Cotte Dan Metzer Student Entertainers of the Year Marie MacKellar 2009 Recipient: The Acafellas Michelle Courter AU Dance Team Outstanding Female Actor in a Comedy Series Tyler Cummins Natural Wood 2009 Recipient: Kohl Comtess Zach Grosser Sexy Pitches Nominees To Be Announced Steam Whistle Cartel

Outstanding Male Actor in a Comedy Series Act VI. The Acafellas Outstanding Senior Contribution 2009 Recipient: Tad Gertz Winner To Be Decided Nominees To Be Announced Outstanding Campus Spirit by an Organization 2009 Recipient: Orientation Guides AFTER THE ALFIES Act III. A Performance from AU Pep Band Alfred to Asia AU Senior Pride Committee Alfred University Student Senate 10:30-MIDNIGHT Drawn to Diversity CLASSIC 1950s 3-D FILM: Outstanding Educational Program: International Students & Scholars Creature from the Black Lagoon 2009 Recipient: Passionately Pink for the Cure Spectrum on Perlman Lawn. Activate (Anti-Tobaccao Initiatives) Burgers and milkshakes served. Alternative Cinema (Food Inc.) Bring a blanket. Amnesty International (Letter Writing & Awareness) Outstanding Campus Spirit by an Individual BASIC (Easter Week Testamonials) 2009 Recipient: Julie Gordon Certified Peer Educators (Wellness Initiatives) Ann Halbert-Brooks Drawn to Diversity (Greensboro Four Awareness) Gregory Badger Green Alfred (Earth Day Celebration) Gustavo Galvan 12AM - 2AM Spectrum (Fag Bug) Jennifer Johns FIFTIES FASHION FOWARD: Women’s Issues Coaltion (Clothesline Project) Joey Turro Late night dance party. Megan MacNeill Oldies and new music. Megan McKee Costume contests and runway walks. Outstanding Service Program Mookie Smith 2009 Recipient: Relay for Life Ron Scheibel Children’s Youth and Learning Initiative (School Visits) Sara DeTine Foundry Guild (Pour for Haiti) HEOP (Dodgeball for Haiti) Habitat for Humanity (Spring Break Trip) Outstanding Visiting Entertainers InterVarsity (Operation Christmas Child) Comedian Bo Burnham CONGRATULATIONS Rugby Club (Moving the Jet) Golden Dragon Acrobats TO ALL ALFIE NOMINEES AND THESE Saxon Softball (Breast Cancer Awareness) Hypnotist Tom Bregadola PREVIOUSLY HONORED STUDENTS: Large Act: Everclear Tribute Band: Almost Queen Tribute Band: Fleetwood Macked Act IV. African Dance Troupe Wizard Rock: Harry and the Potters 2010 OUTSTANDING SENIORS THOMAS FLEMING Outstanding Male Athlete EMILY TOBIN 2009 Recipient: Matt Baker Act VII. Alfred Dance Team Jared Manzer – Football Kameron Chambliss – Diving 2009 INNOVATION AWARD Outstanding Contribution by a IAN CRAMER University Professional ANA DEVLIN-GAUTHIER Outstanding Female Athlete 2009 Recipients: Marcy Bradley, Debbie Campbell, and Bob Stein 2009 Recipient: Kristen Kovatch Nicole Hedrick – Softball 2010 Recipients 2009 HOMECOMING KING & QUEEN Lauren Pfeifer – Skiing, Equestrian Otto Muller and Sandra Singer Lyndsay Murphy – Women’s Basketball David Chamberlain and Alex Wake JONATHAN VILLEGAS Michelle Adams – Women’s Lacrosse CHARITY CHAFFEE Johanna Moore – Equestrian Brittney Biegel – Equestrian Best Student-Directed Production 2009 Recipient: The Vagina Monologues 2010 DIVERSITY LEADERSHIP AWARD 24-Hour Theater Marathon (Alfred Dramatists) GUSTAVO GALVAN Outstanding Athletic Team Alfred to Asia (International Students & Scholars) 2009 Recipient: Men’s Swimming and Diving Arabian Nights (Middle Eastern Dancers) ALEX HOANG Saxon Football Fashion Show (Caribbean Student Assoc.) Saxon Softball Raices (Poder Latino) FASHION ADVICE

by Jennifer Johns

Today’s Fashion Is Tomorrow’s History. Take a ride in the past and bring back the 50’s. Wear the top fashion styles by Liz Taylor or become a hip Fonzi / Greaser or Pink Lady. Or for all you that want to classy it up, be like Audrey Hepburn or Dick Van-Dyke. Take mini-skirt and flash it back to a long poodle skirt or a winter coat to a leather jacket. Join all the rage at the Alfies with your flashback styles. For the women and girls out there, you could wear a nice poodle skirt with a blouse or capris with a va- riety of other 50’s-style shirts. Bring back the idea of hourglass figures with a nice summer swing skirt or pencil-skirt style. Add some gloves, saddle-shoes or heels and a small scarf and you’ve got the ‘50s in your grasp. To add a little fun to your look, choose a suave up-do or curls that can create any cool sock hop feel. Some fashion divas to follow trends are Audrey Hep- burn, Yolande Betbeze (Miss America 1950), Jane Russell or Lucille Ball. For the men and boys out there wanting to swing back the fifties style with a greaser look or a nice suit, bring a new meaning to the leather jacket with a white tee and jeans and top it off with a slick-backed, greased-up hair style. Or flashback to a nice suit with rimmed hat. You could even pull off a button-up shirt with nice “cowboy” appeal. Look like Fonzie or a T-bird or bring back the style of Bing Crosby or retro-it-out like Elvis. And to all the lovebirds or groups of friends that want to bring the fifties back in style to the Alfies, try using themes from Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon, or Lucille Ball and Ricky Ricardo. For clubs looking for pop culture themes of the time ,consider dressing up as mouseketeers from the Mick- ey Mouse Club, or as your favorite new comic strip – the Peanuts, or popular television shows like The Twighlight Zone and Dragnet.