volume 8 - issue 5 - tuesday, october 3, 2010 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr

by erikaweisz It seemed like Rally the Catamount had the world at his feet: Straight-A student, handsome SGA senator, and let’s face it: the coolest cat on campus. “Rally was an awesome guy,” remembers senior Syl- vester Goupin. “He used to walk around with that goofy grin on his face, break into choreographed routines on the steps of the Bailey-Howe, and cheer up all the stressed-out students by giving them hugs and high-!ves.” Such happy times are a thing of the past for Rally Cat, and now that brilliant smile is more of a sour puss. Once known for his cheer and charm, Rally is now famous his “bad boy” attitude and hard-partying lifestyle. But what happened to the guy who used to bring his own bowl to Honors College ice cream socials? A source close to Rally’s family reveals that the allegations of a "ing with the Champlain College Beaver were indeed true. Known for her erratic be- havior and promiscuous nature, it was no surprise to Rally’s close friends and family when he started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. “We knew something was re- ally wrong when Rally missed a hockey game to go on another Beaver Bender,” reveals a source. “#at was the breaking point for Rally. Beaver was just trouble.” But the trouble didn’t stop there. Fall- ing in with the wrong crowd was just the Rally Cat attempts to charm his way out of a bind. Cops are not amused. tip of the iceberg for this fragile feline. Rally’s weekend raging quickly spilled into his daily life and had a profound e$ect on those around him. “It was really sad,” says sophomore Mustafa Crudup. “One time he showed up to one of the swim meets completely intoxicated. He started ha- rassing male swimmers about their Spee- dos and made jokes about their genitalia. When they told him to leave, he urinated in the pool.” Unfortunately, this incident was not unique and Rally’s outbursts still continue. “Last week, we were all hanging out at Brennan’s, you know, just enjoying Burl- ington’s night-life,” recalls senior Melvin Daschle. “I was just eating my Tamara’s Chicken Tenders, when there was a huge ruckus behind me. I turned around and I saw Rally, and man, oh man, was he plas- tered! He must have had his two Brennan’s brews because his eyes were bloodshot and he was stumbling all over the pub. He went over to the popcorn machine and took a Sharpie out of his pocket. At !rst we thought he was writing a motivational message, like ‘Go Cats Go,’ but when he turned around, we saw that he drew a huge, hairy phallus.” Rally hit rock-bottom a%er a grotesque display at the Bailey-Howe Library that led to his immediate arrest. #ough campus authorities did not provide a detailed de- scription of the crime, they did comment that the incident involved a private study room, an anatomy book, and an entire roll of unbleached paper towels. Rally’s family and friends are beginning to lose con!dence. “We thought it was just a phase, but it doesn’t even seem like he Top le!: A scene of destruction at Rally’s now-notorious wants to get better,” says a close source. L/L suite. Rally used to be a shining emblem of Bottom Le!: Beaver is spotted mingling with co-eds hope and school spirit. Now he represents downtown, while Rally lurks furiously in the the startling impact of partying and how background. quickly things can spiral out of control. ! Above: Rally Cat’s mugshot: taken shortly a!er incident at Brennan’s. news re!ections tunes advertise for your shame in the simpson store goes lcd soundsystem club or organization with old dominion the water tower. we’re insane by bridgettreco cheaper than the other guys. by bendonovan by calebdemers [email protected] oaxaca

mudslide: “And you who philosophize disgrace, and criticize all fear/ Bury the rag deep in your face, for now is the time for your tears.” --Bob Dylan, “The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll”

by jamesaglio by bendonovan You probably didn’t hear about it, but to use the money to move to New York than executing a man to be sexist, patron- A%er receiving twelve inches of rainfall two weeks ago in my home state of Vir- and “become a drug dealer.” All available izing, and thoroughly undemocratic. If over a three-day span, a large hill in Oaxa- ginia, justice went terribly, if predictably, evidence shows that this woman was, if women are to be considered full citizens of ca, Mexico collapsed on Tuesday, Septem- wrong. Teresa Lewis, a 41-year-old wom- not completely incognizant of the conse- this Republic- as they are and should be- ber 28, 2010 at around four in the morn- an from Danville, Virginia, was executed quences of her actions, hardly capable of then there is no reason why they should ing local time. #e resulting landslide a%er being convicted of conspiring to have being the ringleader of any plot, and prob- be held less accountable for their actions engulfed a small rural town in Santa Ma- her husband and stepson murdered. Ms. ably the victim of manipulation rather than men are. Justice, as they say, is blind. ria Tlahuitotepec, burying as many as 300 Lewis had conspired with two men, one than the perpetrator. But is this justice? Teresa Lewis did homes and possibly creating a death toll of whom she was having an a$air with, to I say that justice went predictably wrong not die, it seems, because of the murder between !ve hundred and one thousand. kill her husband for his insurance money, because this situation is far from unusu- of her husband and stepson. Rather, she Because the slide occurred in the early and on the night of October 30th, 2002, al. Plea bargains, whereby a defendant died because she happened to be less in- hours of the morning, almost all residents the two men entered her trailer through agrees to plead guilty or to testify against telligent than her partners in crime. #ey of the town were asleep in their homes and the door she had le% unlocked for them someone else, are a common outcome. saw an opportunity and took it, and she are now trapped under massive amounts and murdered was simply the of mud. Authorities are uncertain, how- her husband last one le%, the ever, as to the exact extent of the damage Dear water tower, with emilyhoogesteger and stepson. #e “A state prosecutor called her ‘evil,’ loser in a deadly because Santa Maria Tlahuitotepec is dif- three conspira- game of musi- I love Olivia Nguyen’s fashion column this year, “wat(er) you wearing.” It’s !cult to reach even in ideal conditions; tors were indict- and the judge stated that she was cal chairs. Teresa one of the !rst things I "ip to every Tuesday. #e fashion so far has been the "ooding resulting from the rain has ed, but the two Lewis died be- great and I like seeing student photos in your paper. George Doodnaught. Doodnaught, a Canadian anesthesiologist, was charged with only made it more inaccessible. Despite men signed plea ‘the head of this serpent.’” cause our judicial sexually assaulting twenty-nine women while they were under anesthesia for surgi- this, relief workers are already pouring bargains identi- system rewards I just have one gripe. Every morning I wake up and spend about two hours cal procedures. We’re really, really hoping that wasn’t what he had in mind when he in from outside areas to assist in any way fying Lewis as the ringleader and stating Approximately 90% of all criminal cases the cra%y, the dishonest, and the oppor- putting together an out!t, doing my hair, and making sure I look my best. went to medical school. possible, time being of the essence. #ese that she manipulated them into commit- nationally are resolved this way rather tunistic at the expense of the less intelli- How have my e$orts gone unnoticed? Honestly, there are about 10-14 workers are both governmental and pri- ting the crime. In return they were given than in front of a jury. While advocates of gent. And unfortunately, these machina- fashionable people on this campus and I AM ONE OF THEM. Bullying. With the recent suicides of Tyler Clementi and others because of homo- vate, mainly from the military or the Red life sentences. Ms. Lewis received the the practice argue that it saves time and tions appear to be largely detached from phobic comments and cruelty, it’s time for bullying and intolerance of all sorts to get Cross respectively. All relief workers are death penalty. A state prosecutor called money, detractors say that it o%en works broader questions of innocence or guilt. If Find me. Please. I look awesome. permanently shit-listed. It’s the twenty-!rst century, people - let’s value humanity a !nding di&culty traversing the unstable, her “evil,” and the judge stated that she was against the poor and the uneducated, and we are to put criminals to death (and I’m little bit. "ooded terrain, preventing an e$ective “the head of this serpent.” can be used to advance an otherwise weak not sure we should do it at all), it should be Sincerely, response despite swi% action on the part I say that justice went terribly wrong, case that might not be provable. In cases a punishment reserved only for the most Lady in Red Belated Apologies. From 1946 to 1948, the National Institutes of Health sponsored of the Mexican government. #e o&cial because even a cursory glance into the cir- with multiple defendants, an opportunis- vile one percent of crimes whose circum- a study to see if penicillin would prevent syphilis – which involved deliberately in- death toll at the time of this writing is cumstances paints a very di$erent picture. tic criminal can use a plea bargain to win stances display pure, cruel, calculated evil fecting Guatemalan prison inmates with syphilis. #e United States !nally o&cially eight, with one hundred individuals con- First of all, Ms. Lewis was, by all accounts, himself a reduced sentence by testifying - evil requiring a presence of mind which Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and apologized this week. Apologies are usually better received by people if they’re still !rmed missing. #ose numbers are only borderline mentally retarded. A state psy- against his co-defendants. In an interview Ms. Lewis plainly lacked. I can stomach "ght the power. But most of the time, they just send emails. Send your thoughts alive - which means you probably shouldn’t wait 60 years, considering you just gave the bodies that have been found or ac- chologist put her IQ at 72 (69 is generally with the History Channel series “Gang- Nazi war criminals being executed. A bor- on anything in this week’s issue to them syphilis. the threshold for legal retardation), and a land,” a federal prosecutor once said that derline retarded woman who didn’t even psychologist from Duke University said in the justice system, “there are two types pull the trigger is another thing entirely. [email protected] Rain! More speci!cally, biblical amounts of rain that doesn’t cease and makes ev- in a sworn a&davit that “her mental age of people: those that cooperate and those Perhaps it’s my liberal, pinko, subur- erything smell like cow shit and wet cigarettes. It should also be noted that walking “Authorities are is that of a young teen in the range of 12- that wish they did.” Schallenberger and ban bluegrass-musician morality talking, through a monsoon still doesn’t constitute a shower. uncertain, however, as to 14 years of age.” Further, her accomplice Fuller clearly had much to gain by point- but I fail to see the hand of justice in what the water tower. Matthew Schallenberger, with whom she ing to Ms. Lewis as the ring-leader. In do- happened in Virginia two weeks ago. All I uvm’s alternative newsmag the exact extent of the was having an a$air, at one point wrote ing so, the two escaped an almost certain see is cold, calculating judicial realpolitik. uvm.edu/~watertwr to a fellow inmate and bragged about his death sentence and stuck her with the Teresa Lewis was by no means a good per- ______Editorial Sta! damage” manipulation of Ms. Lewis. “I met Te- principle blame for this horri!c crime. son. But attention must be paid, because Editors-in-Chief resa at the Walmart in Danville,” he said. Let me be clear about what is and is for one woman 900 miles from Burling- Lea McLellan “From the moment I met her I knew she... not wrong with this case. Much has been ton, all due process, all fairness, and all Alex Pinto with michaelcieslak could be easily manipulated. Killing Julian made of the fact that this is the !rst time the lo%y principles that usually shape our counted for, however, and with a disaster and Charles Lewis was entirely my idea. I in nearly 100 years that Virginia has exe- justice system amounted to nothing but News Editor of such proportion in a town as poor as cuted a woman, and many called for clem- ! Paul Gross needed the money, and Teresa was an easy disgrace. Baseball playo$s are right around the corner and we have seen a great year, showcased by great pitching and shitty Santa Maria, those numbers are almost target.” #e other conspirator, Rodney ency for that reason. I !nd the argument umping. First o$, we saw the greatest three-month pitching performance ever from Ubaldo Jimenez. Don’t know who certainly far below accurate. Currently, Fuller, wrote to a friend stating his plan that executing a woman is somehow worse Re$ections Editor that is? #at’s because he fell o$ the face of the earth faster than Tiger Woods did in February. We had two perfect communication lines are essentially non- Molly Kelly-Yahner games and one “perfect” game. #en we saw Albert Pujols and Joey Votto take Triple Crown-type numbers into the existent. Authorities were alerted by Santa Erika Weisz later months of the year. #is is unusual as we have not seen a Triple Crown winner since Carl Yastrzemski in 1967. Maria o&cial Donato Vargas via satellite Fashion Editor #e umps jumped in the spotlight early when Joe West started complaining about the time it took for the Sox and phone, shortly a%er the slide occurred. All Colby Nixon Yanks to play a game, and then there was the blown call at !rst that ended Armando Galarraga’s perfect game bid. #is standard phone lines are down, prevent- sparked the debate for extended use of instant replay, which has been shot down by Bud Selig. In actuality there is a ing consistent and adequate communica- Tunes Editor simple solution: screen your umps and make sure they aren’t morons. Let’s gear up for the playo$s. tion between government o&cials and Bridget Treco those onsite. UVM students participate in a study by mikewhite Humor Editor abroad program in Oaxaca every year. #e Drew Diemar Love it large program is a favorite and allows stu- 1. Senate Candidate Christine O’Donnell (R-DE) publicly decries Masturbation. Managing Editor dents to hone their Spanish skills and par- Masturbation plans world-wide protest to join hands... le! hands... in protest of discrimination! Laura Dillon ticipate in a variety of cultural experiences to enrich their lives. A%er having received 2. Stephen Colbert testi!es before Congress upon completing one day in position of migrant worker. Copy Editor so much from Oaxaca, now may be an ex- Stephen Colbert becomes "rst person in congressional history berated by Congressmen for “wasting time.” Jen Kaulius with paulgross cellent time to give back. Persons of Mexi- can descent in New York City had already 3. Burlington named “Most dangerous city for innocent bystanders” a%er two consecutive weeks of innocents being injured ______Sta! Writers “I won’t let any terrorists try to keep me away from enjoying a European vacation.” begun relief e$orts by midmorning, and as reported in #e Cynic. Emily Arnow are currently mobilizing goods to be sent Maybe staying clear of anyone whom Wikipedia describes as “Rap-core” wouldn’t be such a bad plan for society. Liz Cantrell to the area. All assistance would certainly Caleb Demers -Janet Novak, a potential tourist to Europe, responding to the fact that the United States is staged to issue a categorical travel warning be welcomed for both survivors and relief Greg Francese ! Leave it Emily Hoogesteger suggesting Americans take extreme caution when travelling in Europe. #ough the warning will fall short of advising against travel, it will workers in the area. 1. Hell’s Kitchen host drives second Featured Chef to suicide since airing on television. Gina Mastrogiacomo simply indicate that there have been “general threats” made by terrorist groups against Europe. #is warning will !rst be read publicly at Well as he is literally driving people to hell, is calling him Charon too callous? Sarah Moylan Stephen Colbert’s March to Keep Fear Alive. patrick leene Olivia Nguyen 2. Rahm Emanuel all but announces he is leaving the White House. Robin Tucker What we need in the Democratic Party is more energy... and you don’t get more energetic ______Art Sta! “"ese crazy people were politically manipulated.” than a man with 4 "ngers who’s still determined to tell you to fuck o#. Art Editor -Ecuadoran President Rafael Correa, commenting on a recent “He wanted to be a movie star, ever since he was a Vanessa Denino police rebellion in protest of Ecuador’s “austerity law,” which basi- little kid.” 3. #e Jersey Shore is back on TV again. cally allows the president to suspend parliament and rule by de- -Jill Kurtis, lamenting the recent death of her husband, legend- On second thought, could we schedule a Yelawolf concert for their house? Sta# Artists cree whenever he deems it “necessary.” #e police were a little upset ary comic actor Tony Curtis. His greased hair and goo!ly angry Greg Jacobs about this, understandably worried they might be asked to carry expression is, of course, survived in his daughter Jamie Lee, but Victoria Reed out insane marshal law. #ough apparently Correa didn’t under- this gives everyone an excuse to re-watch Some Like it Hot, which Malcolm Valaitis is arguably the funniest movie ever made. Rent it. Danielle Vogl stand their concern, he has agreed to rewrite portions of the law. Crazy fucks… Layout Editor Megan Kelley “We are looking for evidence, the information is very thin.” Layout Sta# -Fernando Monreal, Acapulco chief of police, speaking with regard to the recent kidnapping of 22 Acapulco tourists the water tower. Grace Aragona by a Mexican gang. Seriously, it’s a bad week for vacations. ______Special Thanks To UVM Art Department Digital Lab the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont. contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a crossroads. As we walk through a world ever connected t-shirt sale. Letters to the editor/ B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists to a thunderstorm of news and re"ection, we risk losing the ability to think for General email Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome ourselves. the water tower is for us non-thinkers. We provide witty and sometimes [email protected] Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings outlandish opinions so that you don’t have to come up with them yourselves. We can’t Editors-in-Chief: L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:30 pm promise that you will agree with everything that we say, but you will respect the te- [email protected] Mill Annex - Main Lobby Williams Family Room nacity we have to say it. Every once in a while we will generate something that is truly Advertising: Redstone Campus - Simpson Hall Davis Center - 4th Floor thought provoking. We are the reason people can’t wait for Tuesday. [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Or send us an email We are the water tower. october 11th-15th. Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr What really happened to the US supply of lethal injection... by mollykelly-yahner Watching the iPod docking station and while no one is looking you can hide one a beer-!lled Solo cup crash to the "oor, of the host’s most expensive possessions you glare at the unfortunate oaf who is re- (which, knowing college students, will sponsible for the mess - and the buzz kill. probably be some sort of gadget) and say In a collective moment of disappointment, you just saw so-and-so run o$ with it! by calebdemers everyone yells, “PARTY FOUL!” Commence jerk-o$’s shady reputation, all Despite the kid’s clumsiness, he clearly thanks to you. “Do you want hummus as a condiment to !t seven slices of up doors? bar, vegan steak house, and Brennan’s Im- did not intend to dampen the mood. We Listening to your frenemy’s raging house or topping?” an overzealous employee turkey on a turkey- #e ResLife web- ports (o$ering absolutely nothing grown can hope the embarrassment and per- party asked me this past Saturday morning as he bacon sub. Alas, these site states the follow- or distributed in Vermont!). sonal cock block that followed was a good If you have truly no compassion or pa- prepared a 12-inch wheat sub in the Simp- valiant e$orts are no ing: “#e upgrades Although residents of Redstone Cam- enough punishment for him. tience le%: Call. #e. Cops. son Store on Redstone Campus. I blinked match for the now- to the dining space pus would go crazy over these new addi- What if we could take advantage of In the dorms back at him and grunted, “I just want deceased Redstone will provide. . . ad- tions, it seems that, if UVM did want to these common party fouls and use them Find the RA on duty and tell him or hummus.” It was not until I had enjoyed Unlimited Dining. ditional restrooms, please the students, they would simply in other situations? her that you just passed by Millis 3 low some fresh air and a delicious hummus It has been de- mechanical, electri- have to open a restaurant or dining hall As amazing as UVM is, we all have our and there was a “funky smell and a smoke sub on the Green that I realized what this scribed as “ghetto” cal and plumbing that o$ered 24-hour delivery services free practiced sandwich technician intended and “grimy.” One upgrades. . . Loading of charge, all-you-can-eat bu$ets for the with his simple question. student, who chose to dock and !re protec- same price as an Odwalla smoothie, non- During the room and board selection remain anonymous in tion upgrades will queasiness inducing edibles, and a large process of the spring semester, students fear of his food being also be included in array of food that caters equally to vegans, were noti!ed before they chose their room tampered with, put it the scope of work.” A pescatarians, strict meat-eaters, Kosher that the majority of the Redstone food ser- simply: “[It was] shit- more comprehensive eaters, drunk kids, and the occasional raw vices would be closed for renovations. For- ty, that place was not description of the foodist. tunately the Simpson Store remains open good.” Yet it stirs up renovations is avail- Fortunately, the ResLife website states and o$ers fresh subs, hot sandwiches, and unsettlingly sad emo- able on said website. that the dining hall will reopen in January extensive salad bar - as well as some gro- tions to stroll down a Coincidently, this of 2011, just in time for the spring semes- cery items and an exquisite mixer/chaser hall whose windows excerpt fails to pro- ter. #is is very lucky for those students selection. have been covered vide the public with that live in the Mason/Simpson/Hamilton #ese limited options have forced the with brown paper so any information re- residence, for it is around this time of the lydia shepard sta$ to step up their game, from o$ering that eager students garding the actual year that students contemplate starving by lindsaygabel hummus as something more than a spread cannot see the reno- entrees, snacks, des- rather than braving the harsh winds and (whatever that may mean) to learning the vations occurring serts and general ser- storms of the Champlain Valley. Until We all know the go-to classic ice-break- and largely unappreciative teenage hooli- !rst name of every student on campus (a in the dining hall. It vices normally pro- then, always remember that if you ever er question to ask when meeting someone gans with egos the size of small countries, for the !rst time. It goes without saying (d) college kids - essentially kindergarten- Jarad Sassone-McHugh daunting task as Redstone Campus is the raises the question: vided by dining halls. want to have a sandwich that has a condi- most populated area in all of Vermont). What is happening Other speculations ment as the heaviest item, Redstone Mar- that most of us have asked or been asked: ers in near-adult form, except with access I even witnessed one employee manage behind those boarded danielle vogl include: Sloppy Joe ket will not let you down. ! “What’s your major?” countless times in to vehicles, alcohol and illicit substances, our college careers (with approximately and near-total freedom respective lists of people we would rather cloud” coming from the room at the end 40% of the total number having occurred not be stuck in an elevator with. #ese are of the hall. You’re clearly only concerned within the !rst week of our freshman Human Sexuality: Forever at the mercy the people who say all the sarcastic, be- cause it might be carbon monoxide. Just years). of cheesy one-liners like “Hey, can you tu- littling, bitchy comments meant to bring looking out for the health of your dorm #e Question undoubtedly owes its tor me?” you down and bring them up. I know that mates, of course. overwhelming popularity to its incredible despite your good-hearted, all-accepting At a concert versatility. Unless perhaps you are one of Computer Science: In this Information nature, if you had the opportunity you Scream “Your music sucks!” at the the "ustered few who have no other choice Age of rapid technological progression? might not mind seeing those people em- opening act, then point to the person but to mumble “Undeclared” in response, Well chosen, my friend. Seriously. barrassed, ousted, blamed, or kicked out you’d rather do without and wait for the it is virtually a no-fail question that can of a place. consequences. Preferably you will be able guarantee you an answer and keep the Political Science: Must possess strong So be ready! to do this at a Yelawolf concert or at an an- by hannahrosenberg conversation going. It provides a means skills in leadership, debate, and problem When you’re at bars gry rapper’s show, resulting in a black eye by which you can gain useful insight into solving, as well as be comfortable with Tell the bartender the person piss- for your lesser-liked peer. If that doesn’t #e police, the cops, the Five-O. What- when not in a random, dirty basement, the speaker’s interests and aspirations, as having more-or-less half of a given popu- ing you o$ is wasted, just puked on your work at least tell security you saw said per- ever your preferred nickname, the Univer- and you should be okay. well as look for commonalities and evalu- lation hate you. shoes, and then ordered four more shots son snorting a whole lot of cocaine in the sity of Vermont’s !nest have been spotted 2) Hit up the Patrick Gym. You know ate your compatibility in a way that is in- – they’re guaranteed an escort out. (Es- bathroom. No drug zone. almost everywhere lately. #ey have been what I’m talking about, that building at- !nitely less creepy than stalking his or her Applied and Computational Math- pecially if you’re at Red Square. Not that Your competition loitering outside Bailey Howe at 3:00 p.m. tached to the hockey rink. Finally! A Facebook pro!le. And at the very least, ematical Sciences: Yes, the nerd factor is I have any experience being kicked out How about when you want to eliminate on a Tuesday - for what reason, we’ll never place where we can swipe our I.D’s that it can rescue both parties from su$ering high, but even the jack-asymptotes who of Red Square while sober. Oh, wait. Se- a competitor for a potential hook up and/ know - and they have been cramping our won’t dock our meal plans a solid $13.95 those dreaded awkward silences. get all up in your axes know that they- in nior Night. #anks). Depending on how or signi!cant other? #ere are two paths style on everyone’s favorite downtown for a sandwich and an Honest Tea. Don’t the words of MC Hammer- “can’t touch Harriet the Spy-like you are, you could you could take here. Establish a fake he- streets, at everyone’s favorite hours of the be intimidated by the weight room annex Undeclared: In other words, you have this.” even pre-plan this mission and bring in roic mission and have your friend dish to weekend nights. or the fact that half the machines are out no idea what you want to do with the rest evidence to the bar, such as nips (get your your crush how you saved her from a rabid Ever since we returned to B-Town this of order. of your life. But you will. Soon. NOTE: If Environmental Science: A UVM favor- head out of the gutter) that you promise dog or speeding train, then start spreading year, the cops have been a looming pres- Eventually you’ll be able to squeeze you are a freshman, this is no big deal. If ite. You save that planet! you saw your lesser-liked peer downing in some foul gossip about how your compe- ence, and greatly increased from last year. your way in. Having said that, I will not you are a senior, however, you are a little the bathroom. Bringing in outside alco- tition actually has a signi!cant other at bit screwed. Social Networking (a.k.a. Facebook- hol? Looks like your night will end early, home. Playa! “Refrain from any public display ing): #e most popular uno&cial major bud. Art History: A good alternative when on campus. At a raging house party So keep your eyes open and use the you want to avoid the anxiety of being Un- Tell the host of the party that your least inevitable clumsiness and annoyingness of crazy when not in a random, katie gagliardo declared. Business Administration: Consists favorite person just hooked up in her bed, of people to your advantage. #ese tricks of learning how to direct work "ow, lead broke it, and then spilled Franzia all over will be especially helpful if you plan to en- ! dirty basement, and you by willisschenk Philosophy: A popular choice for (1) workshops, micromanage, promote syn- her comforter - which just so happens to ter journalism or politics. thinkers, (2) slackers, (3) formerly Unde- ergy, send faxes, remember birthdays, and be white. Or, if you are stealthy enough, clared majors who realized that they ac- eat bagels like a Boss. should be okay. “ For us newcomers, it is di&cult to un- and large campus map in hand, only to tually have less than zero interest in Art derstand the norms of a new place, and no discover we’ve entered the wrong room. History. Reality Television: Proof that you re- doubt our ignorance must be an annoy- Sorry RA’s for all the headaches – I ally can make a living doing absolutely Coincidence? I think not. For those of condone erasing people’s names o$ the ance for those already well-adjusted. guess when we ask you “Hhh-hoowww you who haven’t already heard through whiteboard, no matter how long you’re go- Classics/Latin/Greek: More than just nothing. Unfortunately, as far as I know, We freshmen are sorry for showing up waaazzzz yyuur, yuuur… daayyyy?” the one big toga party. this major is currently o$ered nowhere. the grapevine, the police force has been ing to have to wait. You don’t want to be to your LAX, Soccer, and Frisbee House friendly attempt doesn’t make up for the granted $93,000 dollars to crack down on that person. A few half hour sessions on But then you don’t really need a degree (wtf?) parties with a bad dude-to-chick fact that you just watched us vomit all over Women’s Studies: First introduced as for this; not a B.A. anyway, as it’s almost underage drinking, as well as an addition- the new eco-friendly treadmills and you’ll ratio; freshmen guys are way less smooth the stall you were about to piss in. al $125,000 for the next four years, accord- be able to outrun the po-po, and thus will a separate academic discipline in the late all B.S. than you upperclassmen and have yet to And to you upperclassmen, sentinels 1970s, yet college guys still remain as clue- ing to the Burlington Free Press. have no reason to worry. Just make sure attract a "ock of ladies. Next time, we’ll of wisdom: we are sorry for our freshman Now, now, don’t lose your cool; there your footwear is conducive to potential less as ever in regards to the complex inner Advanced Aerospace Engineering try to remember the “more girls” rule, and nature, always scurrying by in disarray workings of the female mind. and Astronautics using Applied Nano- are a few things we can still do to ensure quick getaways when you hit the town. we hope that you can teach us your mas- with unsure faces, ignorant of all the stan- that we don’t lose out on our very impor- And !nally, 3) Keep your antenna up: technology: When (a) regular gross over- culine ways. dards of our new campus home. Upper- Bio/Chem: #e sheer number of un- achievement just isn’t enough, (b) Quater- tant and well-deserved college rights-of- You’re in college now! Clearly you’ve got Our deepest condolences go out to the classmen – teach us the way of CHILL. Is passage. some brains, so use them! Recently there dergrads majoring in these and related nion Quantum Mechanics gets boring, or residents of Burlington; once we !gure out it in those baggy pants? Is it in that vodka disciplines (and in the scienti!c !eld in (c) you are a robot. 1) Be stealth. Make your way down have been incidents of undercover cops a way into those parties, we’ll stop walk- or that beer? Is it in that spli$? Or in that to a party on Loomis or Isham on Satur- busting people with a slap on the wrist general) would be enough to build their ing down the street in giant, drunk, and cigarette? How do you perch that smok- own army and possibly lead the largest While UVM boasts an impressive nine- day nights. Enjoy your brews and some and a he%y !ne, but it’s pretty easy to pick rowdy packs as you and your children are ing butt on your lower lip, drink canned blacklight dancing. Do a keg stand. Talk up on an anti-fun, pro-establishment vibe. student rebellion in UVM history. Fortu- ty available undergraduate majors, space trying to sleep on a #ursday night. beer, and tell the most fantastic stories - all nately, their attempts to do anything and and time restrictions necessitate that the to people you thought you’d never have If someone seems like a narc, chances are We apologize to the lunch sta$ for at the same time? What kind of architect the guts to approach, even though you see they probably have an agenda that doesn’t everything are thwarted by having to !rst above list highlights only a very select few. openly stealing mass quantities of milk, designed your hammock-slung, beach go through the entire scienti!c method. Your major was therefore likely excluded them everyday at the Cyber Café. include singing “Sweet Caroline” on the juice and soda in our water bottles, yet chair-heaven of a porch? Where on earth But in order to avoid a legal spat, don’t drunk bus, and you should remove your- for one of the following reasons: (a) it is we are thankful for the high percentage of did you !nd that Mexican knit poncho? Education: A noble profession, but too well respected to be subjected to sar- run into the street with an open container self from the situation immediately. If all foreign cafeteria workers and the resultant Lend us compassion and we’ll lend you yelling about how you just shouted at that else fails, a police encounter always makes be sure to choose your teaching concen- castic remarks, (b) there are no classic or language barrier that lets us remain “con- just about anything in return, for we are tration carefully. Your options are as fol- interesting stereotypes associated with it, guy from your Biology lab, that you are you look like a badass, so no matter what, fused” enough to get away with it. desperate, timid, and typical – we are the in fact in his Biology lab, and how he dis- you’ll get a good weekend story - and re- lows: (a) exhaustive kindergarteners with or (c) no one really wants to hear about “Oh my god. My weenus is ON. FIRE.” Sorry to the faculty for interrupting freshmen. 2-minute attention spans, (b) painfully it. ! played a less than desirable reaction. ally, that’s all that counts. ! your classes when we come in late, books But seriously, what the fuck is a Frisbee Refrain from any public display of crazy awkward and hormone-charged middle - Raven Symone and notepads dropping from an open bag House? ! school drama, (c) impertinent, de!ant, the quim with olivianguyen queeries overheard a conversation in b-town? someone on campus catch your eye? the quim queeries is the wt’s weekly sex advice column. was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? couldn’t get a name? tell the ear and we’ll print it. submit your love anonomyously uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html uvm.edu/~watertwr/iwysb.html

we got a little rowdy at wiz 4th #oor of Lafayette, in the Hall at night i think about our one little kiss Name: Grace Guy: #e !rst line of my speech was ‘suck it to me.’ i wanna do more with you last night we almost did Spotted: #e Art Hop Outside of Lafayette but it was too late Guy wearing an I’M PARTYING sweatshirt: I’ve given up come over to my dorm sometimes Why we like it: Grace was spotted at the Art Hop showing her drinking. you know where i live very own artwork, proving that classics and clean lines always look (or just shoot me a text) sleek, no matter how funky and quirky your surroundings are. Dinner at the Grundle When: #ursday Guy 1 to Guy 2: I am fully prepared to cum on your face. Where: at the wiz concert Send in your sex and relationship advice questions to I saw: a sexy man the Quim Queeries, no matter what "avor you or your Simpson store, in line for sandwiches I am: a hot girl partner might be! Here’s our !rst question, from “Tiling Girl: Why do they call him Mickey? Problem.” An agrarian euphemism misspelled, you ask? Guy: Its not really something I should tell you. I think not. I suspect our advice seeker is a math enthu- Girl: Oh right, come on. I noticed you in our intro to Animal Science class and siast referring to Hao Wang’s tiling problem! #ink you Guy: So he cut a whole in a Minnie Mouse doll... saw you again in our lab later. You looked so damn !ne can stump us with your pseudonym? Write in and see! in your short blue dress and tan boots. You even made "e fourth #oor of Lafayette, in the hallway the coveralls look good, but only when they were on you. Dear Bliss and Mab, Guy talking inexplicably loudly: So the beginning of my I really want to know your name and maybe we can go presentation is ‘suck my D***.’ from there. I have the world’s awesomest "ancé, and we are excited to When: Every Tuesday and #ursday breed together once we are married. %ere is a big problem Davis Center Marketplace Where: Intro to ASCI Class and Lab though: it’s physiologically impossible for us to have sex. Girl: Okay Mr. I-drank-a-whole-bottle-of-cough-syrup- I saw: a hottie in a blue dress My vagina is too narrow. When we try, my anatomy gets in-ten-seconds. I am: a dude hoping for the best literally torn (super ouch!) and we still don’t succeed. We love each other enough that we still want to spend the rest Hickock basement Walking past my window with style so great. of our lives together even if we never get to have sex, but Well dressed boy (whispers) to cute girl: We gotta get out Taylor, what I would do to take you on a date. that would really complicate reproduction, and would also of here, I just farted. I yell “Hey Taylor,” you respond with a wave really suck. Random partygoer: Dude, someone just shit their pants! Although we both know Taylor is not your name, If a surgery exists for this, it can’t possibly be covered Everyone out!! #e joy it would bring me to take you on a date, by any health insurance plan. (I haven’t actually tried to Taylor, meet me at my window, we’ll be forever mates. "nd one - I’m understandably afraid of what I might get L/L Fireplace Lounge When: on the reg if I typed any search term containing the phrase “vagina Crying 3 year old boy: I just wanna poop in the Davis Where: walkway to WDW widening” into Google.) Center!!!! I saw: a taylor lautner imposter Do you have any advice for us? I am: a doting admirer Harry’s diner Sincerely, Guy: Every time I clean my ears I have an ear-gasm. For those of you who’ve never been Tiling Problem” #e subject of a poet’s pen Lafayette I dedicate these lines to thee I took the liberty and risk of typing “vagina widening” Lax Bro: I’d rather eat placenta than do math! A little poem made by me. into Google for you - and behold, among such gems as #ough no one wrote twelve lines for you “My Girlfriend’s Vagina Has Widened Recently. Is #is 3rd #oor davis center It doesn’t mean they didn’t woo A Sign Of A Larger Penis?” there were actual results for Bro to Fellow Bros: Dude, do you remember the time we #rough spoken words or actions done medical conditions. (+5 points to that Internet dude for used that ATM on acid? Or gi%s given or stories spun. blatant insecurity and beating around the bush - so to #ough you may think that no one cares Name: Philip speak). Friday morning, 1st #oor Library #e things they say--the thoughts they share First of all, we are not medical authorities. Please, Girl 1: So how was last night? Instead proves that their love is true Spotted: Outside the Bailey Howe please, please, go to your doctor, the Women’s Health Girl 2: I have a huge cut on my ass. For this poem was made for you. Center or Planned Parenthood. #at goes for all of you When: Every day Why we like it: Why hello James Dean...#e wt. al- out there: if something hurts or itches, if that’s not how 2nd #oor, bailey howe library Where: Everywhere ways likes a man who knows how to dress. your junk normally functions or if, as in this case, how Guy 1 (on the phone w/ bro): Basically, I just need you to I saw: Anyone who ever wanted a poem about them your junk normally functions is Just Not OK - see a doc- !nd out if she pooped in my bed or not. I am: A poet tor. #e Women’s Health Center is awesome and under- standing (and it is also the cheapest place around to get Davis Center Marketplace, "ursday evening Every time I look at you emergency contraception, people). Feeling a little créatif? Wishing Vantage Point was published more than once a semester? Guy #1: So he was sodomized by a hookah? Reminds me of what I once knew Well now you can submit your creative writing, short stories, poems, drawings, black and If you have concerns about !nding a supportive doc- Guy #2: No, he was just blowing smoke out his ass. Inside my heart I know that thee tor, look up the Vermont Diversity Health Project at white photos, and any other créatif things to the water tower’s new section, créatif stuffé. Ne’er did even consider me. Send your submissions to [email protected] by Tuesdays at 4:00. http://vdhp.org/. It is a resource for !nding LGBTQ- Lo’, maybe when my days are gone friendly providers, and even if you are just kinky, poly O%en--I guess--I’d look back on or have an alternative lifestyle, I’d say they would have For there were opportunities a higher probability of being open-minded. A door al- To talk and act and kiss and please ready opened a crack is a lot easier to push open all the Under the great, vast, starry sky. way. Check it out! Sadly, instead, I said goodbye. by sambeatt by brittneyhaynes #at being said, a similar search - “vagina dilation” - When: Wednesday nights brought up www.vaginismus.com, the #1 site for discuss- Where: Redstone green Study me and you will !nd ing causes of, treatments for, and many other aspects of I saw: a beautiful girl A mind declined by the divine painful sex. While the site seems a bit heteronormative I am: a romantic guy A body sullied by fast food and marriage-focused to me (since when is unconsum- A soul content mated marriage a symptom?), it is very informative and A silly fool could help you !gure out what to ask your doctor. You think you are all that Your signo$ seems to indicate a logical, computational in that silly blue hat. You’re in a frat; I’m so down with A product of the NewSA mind, so perhaps you could think about it this way: You Where liberty and justice play don’t do a math problem over and over the same way and that. Your name is made up of two letters and so is mine. As ideals lost amongst the herd expect a di$erent result - you have to change something. Replaced by lust, envy and greed In our bodies, repeated pain can cause an expectation of Damnnnn I think you are pretty !ne. Sincerely Yours, pain and a conditioned response, creating the same an- #e Capitol Steed swer over and over - and possibly intensifying the prob- When: Last week lem. Where: In the library sipping hot chocolate with whipped Past and present Enlist your awesome !ancé (congratulations!) in work- Blue and Red ing on this together. If your doctor tells you vaginismus cream and sprinkles I saw: a sexy man How ya livin’ is the problem, it’s not all bad. Almost all the studies I Good as dead could !nd stated that over 90% of patients saw resolution I am: wanting to be the sprin- kles to your hot chocolate of symptoms with non-surgical treatment - some studies As good as talking heads may deem up to 100%. Huzzah! I’ve !t the bill and creased the seam So, Tiling Problem: don’t worry, Hao Wang’s tiling problem may be uncomputable, but with a little help, you should be lying tangent to your !ancé’s curves soon. Good luck! Bring on the Queeries, Bliss and Mab [email protected] cat litter: by drew diemar artwork by greg jacobs

the wt. nightlife pocket survival guide pocket check: We at the water tower don’t want anyone to have a disasterous night. Clip out this handy guide and you’ll never have to worry about doing stupid stu# ever again! _ keys _ condom _ "ask _ ID _ light _ water bottle about to leave? did you: _Memorize a witty ice- _ cell phone _ trinket (to trade (who the hell breaker? _ rape whistle for a cigarette) has a "ask?) _make your bed? _Queue up Transporter 2? _roll a J? _Jam to “We No Speak _put away bottles? Americano? UVM Police: 656-3131 drunkometer Domino’s: 658-6558 Wings Over: (mark X in each blank a!er you "nish a drink, and follow 863-9464 the instructions as you arrive at the requisite numbers) TRINITY CENTRAL ATHLETIC your roomate: _ _ _ _1._ _ _ 2._3._ 4. _ _ 5. _ _ 6. _ _ _ _7. ______P UNIVERSITY PL . M your pot guy: 1: eat something. E A REDSTONE ______2: no more hard liquor. A I your lawyer: 3: if you’re still pregaming, time to make moves. R ______L SO. PROSPE CT N your booty call: 4: hit on someone. you’re in your prime. C ______O 5: go to the bathroom and look good and hard in the mirror. L your ex: L KKD, Mr . Mike’s, Nectar’s, DO NOT CALL 6. stop hitting on people. PSB E Manhattan, G Giro Man Ahli Baba’s 7. get home while you can. E

by bridgettreco Memorial Auditorium was the perfect LCD Soundsystem: It’s been almost too cool for... venue, with enough space to allow the eight years since I !rst heard “Da% Punk is moshers, the ravers and the shy head- Playing at My House” on the !rst season of boppers in the back to each have their #e O.C. I was in high school, and front- does being hip make bands worse? own space to groove. #e dark and loom- man James Murphy was still a young 32. ing building on Main Street was the ideal Now, rather pudgy in a slovenly, un-tucked by sarahmoylan place for underage kids and legal beer- button-down shirt, the man looks old est EP (retro is in!). I’m not saying that this drinkers alike, with Magic Hat stands in enough to be my dad. Sweating profusely, Recently a friend and I were enjoying a stu$ is necessarily a bad thing — music is the basement and a spacious upstairs area without the sex appeal of most frontmans, Friday night out at Muddy Waters when a a catalyst for development in other aspects with bleachers to chill out on between sets. Murphy still managed to be absolutely three-piece honky-tonk band started jam- of modern culture, like art and technolo- #e venue created an all around positive mesmerizing at the head of his seven- ming in the front. #e three guys, some gy. But sometimes, it seems like the music experience for its concertgoers, no mat- piece band. Opening with “Dance Yrself middle-aged dudes in Hawaiian shirts, itself gets lost in the shu'e. ter what their choice of poison was for the Clean” from his latest release, entitled %is were having the time of their lives strum- #e good news, though, is that being night. Is Happening, Murphy launched into seri- ming and singing away. #ey caught the cool and being an engaging, talented mu- Sleigh Bells: Alexis Krauss is a hottie. ous command of his group. A%er greeting attention of nearly everyone at Muddy sical act are not mutually exclusive. Case #ere’s really no denying that, despite the the crowd, he lunged onto “Drunk Girls,” Waters that night, and their energy was in point: Broken Social Scene, one of criticisms some may have of the Brook- a seemingly awkward choice from the infectious. #ey "ew through tunes at a the hippest, most talked-about indie acts lyn duo’s live performance. #e set list voice of a father !gure. Nevertheless, he breakneck speed, disallowing time for around, nailed it at their Higher Ground was packed with all but two tracks o$ the nailed the tune with total conviction. #e inter-song small talk. #ey clearly were performance last week. Sure, they looked band’s !rst full-length LP, Treats, but they light show was on-point with anyone who only interested in playing their music cool— their show was not without a were kind in not tiring out the audience decided to roll that night, and the overall and nothing else. I didn’t catch the name complex lighting scheme, elaborate stage with too long a set before LCD’s arrival. delight that LCD seemed to take in play- of the band until the tail end of the show, layout, or indie-approved wardrobe se- Launching into more hardcore-"avored ing for everyone was downright endear- when the bandleader mumbled, “#anks lection (band member Brendan Canning favorites like “Riot Rhythm” and “In!n- ing. “We love your city,” Murphy smiled. for coming out tonight, we’re the Whiskey was wearing oversized glasses too, but ity Guitars” early, the oddity of their act #e rest of the group nodded. “We rented Lickers.” the trendy Urban Out!tters kind) — but was saved for later. With “Kids,” there was a bunch of bikes and just biked all over the Something about that show struck a they also put on one hell of a great show. a questionable choice in Krauss’ intermit- place. It’s a great town,” he added. nerve with me. It had been a surprisingly Performing for no less than two and a tent vocals over the voice recordings of the With the heartbreakingly pleading “I long time since I’d seen a band truly en- half hours, Broken Social Scene present- actual kids. Unfortunately, the awkward- Can Change,” also o$ their new disc, a joy performing music as much as those ed their impressive technical pro!ciency ness of the pre-recorded material only got desperate Murphy was entirely convinc- Whiskey Lickers — they had no inhibi- while delivering a dynamic, enthralling weirder from that point on. ing. He jumped into a standing addition tions, didn’t really care what they looked live performance. From the bouncy, vivid #ere’s no case to be made that Sleigh of percussion while the hot Asian chick like, and just wanted to have a great time “Texico Bitches” to a moody interpreta- Bells doesn’t sound amazing live. But (Nancy Whang) beside him rocked out playing music. #ey were honestly goofy- tion of “Looks Just Like #e Sun,” BSS therein laid the problem: there was no on keyboard and synth. #e energy of looking — un-ironically oversized glasses, didn’t hold back. “We’re just gonna play divergence from their album recording, the auditorium was on a high — various ill-!tting shirts, and their hair really could our guts out for you tonight!” exclaimed with no discrepancies or "air thrown in intoxicants aside, the gratefulness of the have used some work — but they didn’t singer Kevin Drew at the beginning of the whatsoever. Some may argue that this band combined with the gleeful dancing care about being cool. night. And he was telling the truth. isn’t a "aw; others will proclaim that the in the crowd provided the most positive Maybe that’s the problem these days — Broken Social Scene proves that it’s pos- overwhelming amount of pre-recorded atmosphere for old favorites such as the bands are far too obsessed with being cool. sible to be cool, popular, and passionate material was just plain irritating. With aforementioned “Da% Punk” and “All My It seems like all lead singers are more in- about music. Still, though, I wish there guitarist Derek Miller by her side, Krauss Friends.” Not stopping for their slow jams, terested in being sharp-dressing scenesters were more Whiskey Lickers-esque bands inarguably steals the show, but it’s to the LCD were wise to keep it upbeat for the than talented vocalists, all bands need to out there: bands that don’t really give a shit point that you forget Miller is even there. devoted ravers in the audience, plowing have fancy Mypace pages and big merch about the scene, exclusively caring about When they slowed down the set with the on to spectral grooves from Sound of Silver tables at their shows covered in American the music they produce: pure and beautiful “Rill Rill,” Miller politely stood like “Get Innocuous!” Apparel tees and vinyl versions of their lat- simple. ! backstage— but the music kept on play- A%er a short water break, the group ing. While Krauss is passionate, sexy and returned for their three-track encore, with SEEKING: UVM’S BEST BAND (/ARTIST/WHATEVER) undeniably badass in every way, you can’t Murphy continually proclaiming that he help but feel bad for the guy. needed to do “just one more.” #e audi- We know you secretly play guitar. We know you and your friends have !ve tracks on Despite the straightforwardness of ence met him with unrelenting energy, a myspace with 11 listens. We know you want to be the next bedroom laptop maestro to their act, the music — prerecorded or no minor moshing sesh in the thick of the start selling out the Music Hall of Williamsburg. And you, yeah you, we know you rap t— does sound incredible, and inspires crowd, and moves that could only be pro- in front of the mirror Eight Mile style when you’re high and nobody’s home. So show various types of hipster dance moves and duced by psychedelics. But the love was us your stu$! gentle head banging. #e duo ended their genuine and totally sober. Burlington Even if you’re not-so-underground and you already have stickers on all the lamp set with their !rst release, “Crown on the had waited long enough for this sparsely posts on campus, send links to your myspace, youtube, !leshare, etc, to thewatertower- Ground,” and they did not disappoint toured favorite to hit Vermont. #e band [email protected], or drop a CD at our desk at the SGA. We will take all music at face their fans there. Krauss, in her American obviously enjoyed the attention and rel- value, regardless of genre or recording quality, and reward originality above all. You’ve Apparel leggings and neon green sneak- ished in the fact that, in the electronica got all fall semester to get submissions in, and in the spring we’ll run a front page, ers, invited the crowd to join in her riot- scene, they are both a foundation and a magazine-style pro!le and interview with the winner, and reveal our other favorites ous chanting. #e rebellion in her voice is classic. #e appreciation shined through and runners-up. inspiring, and the piercing wails of Miller’s Murphy’s vocals and the childlike grin on #e contest is open to all current students, grad or undergrad; non-Music Depart- guitar only tempts you with more danc- his aging face. ! ment faculty and sta$; and even very recent grads who are still based in Burlington. ing. Sleigh Bells created the perfect envi- Multiple projects from the same group are ok by us. Give us everything you’ve got. ronment for their headliner, and you can’t Don’t be shy, you might just be UVM’s best! hate on them for that.