EARROO / ISSUE 1 | JERREY GEUREE / JANUARY 2016 www.mecvannin.im Robertshaw Pulls Out before Finding the Spot Chris Robertshaw, the former Minister for Policy and Reform noted for disappoint- ingly pulling out ahead of completion, thinks he may now know where things went wrong. Mr Robertshaw had previously indicated that he had evacuated prematurely because other parties involved were taking too long to get there, saying "it was defi- nitely their fault, I mean, other people have told me how good I am, but satisfying these guys seemed impossible". He added "I don't remember hearing any complaints when I was finished with the Sefton, which I assume means everyone was satisfied". With a big election expected to occur in 2016 many have wondered whether a concerned Mr Robertshaw is just saying the things he thinks people want to hear. One reader commented "I think Mr Robertshaw may be worrying about his potential to rise to the expectations of a big election. When I attended the Government's "Big Debate" sessions last year he was obsessed with defending his small government and seemed to get very agitated at even the thought of a big one. Anyway, I figured it's not the size of a man's government that counts but the way he thrusts his policies. I thought he'd at least have the stamina to go for a bit longer when it came to actually performing". Responding to this, Mr Robertshaw said "I'll admit I may have gone soft when con- fronted with the reality of replacing a big government, but the point here is whether my government is running for other people, or is it running for itself. Sometimes things can get hard, really hard, but the times it needs to work for people it just flops. Any- way, I don't think people will get back into bed with me unless I know where things are, that's my only hope, so I'm saying now with confidence I can definitely pinpoint the spot and I'm certain I can deliver the goods before pulling out". Mr Robertshaw is also thought to be working on his patronising tone which he acknowledges may turn people off making it harder for them to enjoy their experience with him. Joarreeyn (A Poem by a Pseudonymic Onion) As we lie sleeping, Joarreeyn come creeping, Promising wealth, Taxing health. Our last sit crying, Joarreeyn come sighing, "You've no right to pity, We gave you a city". The fading flame's light, Now fixed in its plight, Tell all those you can, Manx once lived in Mann. The Island of Growth (A short story by Allen Moore) Once upon a time there was a benevolent empire, the sort on which they say that the sun never sets. Despite this benevolence, they had a lot of trouble from the likes of the Mau Mau and some Zionist terrorists, but eventually they let most of the bigger countries in their empire go their own way. The empire also included some smaller countries, including some with a strange addic- tion, as they were dependent on the metal crown on their monarch's head. Thus, the people in charge of the benign empire decided to call them Crown Dependencies and gave them a few powers of their own. However, the benign empire, which called itself the You Knighted Kingdom, said that they were responsible for the good governance of the Crown Dependen- cies so their politicians or their spouses would not be able to claim on expenses for motes round their properties, duck islands or pornographic videos. One of the Crown Dependencies was called the Isle of Man, and they decided to call their main man the Chief Minister. Although their government was not allowed to become bankrupt financially, they were certainly bankrupt as far as working out economic policies. They only had one policy, and that was called Growth. The Chief Minister and his other Minis- ters thought that Growth was the bees knees, as both the Island and the Planet are bottom- less pits, so economies can grow and grow and we will all be happy for ever. Hurray! The crux of this policy of Growth was to invite lots of citizens of the You Knighted King- dom to come and share life in our little piece of the Planet. Of course, those people needed new homes, but that is all right, as that gives Growth to the funds of the friends in the building industry of the Chief Minister and his other Ministers. Lo and behold, the schools became full to bursting and other parts of the Island's infrastructure became past it, but that gave lots of extra work to the building industry, too. The Isle of Man had a shared purse agreement with the You Knighted Kingdom going back to the 18th century. This colonial arrangement meant that the You Knighted Kingdom could screw money from the colony, despite using the word “shared”. The Isle of Man thought that it was good. However, because of the Chief and other Ministers' great policy, the Isle of Man's economy underwent a period of Growth, which meant that they received more out of the shared purse. That annoyed the Prime Minister of the You Knighted Kingdom, as their policy of Growth had gone all to Hell, and their friends in the big banks had forgotten that they weren't working on the great board game of Monopoly and truly effed up the econ- omy of the whole Planet. Despite this, their Chiefs were surprised that people begrudged them their six and seven figure bonuses. But they were responsible for the governance of their banks! Some in the You Knighted Kingdom decided that the Isle of Man wasn't being screwed sufficiently under the shared purse agreement, so they decided to change the rules, and again, and again they did this. Thus, the Chief Minister's Treasury Minister did not have as much money to spend on the Island, something that wasn't meant to happen under Growth. It contradicted their previous policy of Healthcare Second To None, too. Their financial advis- ers failed to tell the Treasury Minister that services such as healthcare cost more for a larger population than it does for a smaller one. Maybe they don't know that simple sum? Anyway, they were forever trying to find ways of saving money, despite the workers in the services themselves being best at doing that. They even sent the Health Minister to the other end of the Planet to look for a sustainable way of delivering healthcare. He took with him a Father Fintan Stack lookalike who was his main man in the Health Services. When they returned to the Isle of Man the Father Fintan Stack lookalike said “Let's Get Real”, and he got real and bu- glered off, a great return on the Isle of Man's investment on sending them to New Zealand. At one stage during the Chief Minister's Growth his friends told him that they needed more houses for the key workers in their businesses. Now, despite the Treasury Minister's claim that the Island is in dire straits, their friends are still building lots and lots of houses. The Chief Minister and his other Ministers sat down and said, what do we do to stimulate more Growth for our business friends? He looked at the Infrastructure Minister, who stood on Hango Hill and announced that he has fire in his heart and who was keen for a reduction in the Island's CO2 emissions. Because he was now the Infrastructure Minister, the Chief Minister leaned on him to make an announcement that Government's policy was now more Growth, this time to release land for more business parks. You won't need to worry about CO2 emis- sions when the economy really goes to Hell, and the Isle of Man might as well go with it. He continued, you never know, I might need to send you to Singapore on a fact finding trip as to how they manage to squeeze at least 5,000,000 people in an area barely bigger than the Isle of Man, and even if I don't, I can recommend to the Crown to get you knighted. That would be great to get knighted, the Infrastructure Minister said, but on which grounds would I get knighted? For services to the Manx language, the Chief Minister said, everybody would ap- plaud that! Mec Vannin makes sense of... The Isle of Man Constabulary (or Sherveish Meoiryn Shee Vannin if you can stop your head from exploding!) The Isle of Man Constabulary was recently awarded Investors in People Champion status, putting the current Home Affairs Minister and Armed Forces Champion Juan Watterson one step closer to unifying the belts and becoming the world's first Undisputed Champion of Osten- sible Usefulness. The IIP award comes despite a previous spate of unsolved burglaries leaving many wondering if the Constabulary is deserving of one of the most prestigious meaningless awards there is. Mr Watterson acknowledged the stain the burglaries had left on the Constabulary's record, but told the press that the force had over- come adversity by "equipping its people with the right knowledge, skills, and motivation to work effectively...unless you're talking about those feckin' burglaries again; for feck's sake stop bringing up those feckin' burglaries!"* In other news the Constabulary has asked members of the public to stop speculating on the identity of a man caught on camera stealing a charity collection box.