Coming Out Trans To Your Parents & Family

When you come out to your parents • You will probably still have the same • Your love life - what do you expect as a transgendered person, they need corny sense of humor. about your marriage, current to know that: partner, future type/gender of • You will still love them, music, cats, partner. Might as well be frank • You still love them. loud shirts, short hair, etc. here, even if you just don’t know. • You are not doing this to hurt • You will still work, go to college, (I tell my friends I never cared them. keep your friends, go to church, and about life after death, but love after love your children..... (things that are • You’ve had these feelings since transition - THAT concerns me...) important to them)... you were ______years • You realize they may go through old. • You might also change in some ways an emotional process, too -- shock, - voice, hair, walk, talk, dress, etc. Be • You resisted coming out to denial, bargaining, anger, guilt, honest about what changes to expect. yourself for ______sadness, acceptance. Know these years. • You might look as though you were symptoms and help them also to your twin brother/sister. recognize them. • You really struggled with it, but it wouldn’t go away; - it’s SUCH a • You will give them all the time they Believe it or not, some parents even compelling feeling! need to get used to the new you. You get to a stage of celebration! We didn’t get used to the idea overnight wouldn't want to change our “new” • You are now pretty seriously yourself. son or daughter, even if we could! considering (hormones/reassignment surgery/or ______. • You know the new name is hard; ***I often suggest writing a letter they even get the grandchildren to parents or family; read it over, • You have talked extensively with a mixed up sometimes. sleep on it, does it say everything counselor, met many other trans you want to say, and in a loving folks, have done some reading • New pronouns are even harder. After way? Then THEY get to read and and/or at this point you believe all, your mother changed your reread and respond thoughtfully. ______about yourself. diapers a thousand times and knows Plenty of time to talk in person your body. Cut them some slack • If/when you change your gender later. You might also give them here. (I still slip up after many presentation, you will still be the something to read or suggest books years!) same person inside in many ways. for them.

• You will still have much of the personality you always had.

ABOUT THE CHILDREN IF PARENTS ARE REJECTING Your own, nieces and nephews, neighbors Some parents are rejecting for years, but Coming Out then come around. Give them things to • Children do not usually need therapy to read, send greeting cards, reassure them understand and accept your transition. of your love, and tell them of your Transgender • They need the significant adults in their successes. You can’t force them; it’s not lives to accept the changes, to take your fault if THEY can’t handle it. If them a little casually, answer questions you once had a good relationship, directly, but minimally, until you are chances are you will again. to Your sure they want more information. That’s why we caution gay, lesbian and (Why is Daddy wearing dresses? bisexual youth not to come out to family Because he feels better in dresses. until they have an alternate support group; Parents Oh!). same for you. There’s no real substitute for • Even young children can understand your family of origin, but you CAN live that some of the things we believe and without them, even have a full and very and talk about at home may not be happy life. acceptable to others; they can learn to Let this tough experience make you wiser, deal with questions at home and not gentler, more loving, not bitter, distrusting, with neighbors, friends, or teachers and cynical. Let it not have been in vain. Family until you tell them it’s OK. Mary Boenke 2003 • Older children need to be reassured transgenderism is not contagious and hardly ever inherited; they are not For more information and support: likely to be trans just because you are. • General Meetings • One parent explained to her young children that being trans felt like going • Parents Forum to a Halloween party, coming home • Rainbow Youth Alliance and never being able to take off her costume nor convince people that wasn't who she really was,. PFLAG, Howard County, MD Transitioning is like finally taking off www.pflagmd.org your costume so people can see who you really are. (This seems to help a lot of adults, too.) This handout is one of many resources available through PFLAG Transgender Network: [email protected]