LAUGHING STOCK ’ ’ He E Ef E— O R E for H E S That Hasn T H Ard B Or , at L Ast, Not So Long That Forgotten Them! BENNETT CERF (Viii) Co N Te N Ts

Home , Bennett Cerf, Laughing Stock

IN IM S LIKE THESE e book form t e T E , wh n anything in that m e e e e e e e b the ot ly r s mbl s humor is s lling lik hotcak s ( y way, do you know an ybo dy Who ever actually bought a hotcake ? and — When a dozen top line radio comics are beating out their brains in e o f n ew e th e e e W th e e s arch gags to mak custom rs giv ith chuckl s, the man Wh o is fortunate enough to have a go o d memory for e W hlS e e e e jok s and itticisms is worth w ight in gold, and v n pap r.

( V) INTRODUCTION

’ I ve had a weakness for funny stories ever since I was a kid in h ze S o f m m d f t e P a . I e ulit r chool Journalis , so this is y lucky y ll into the editorship o f the Columbia Jester in my sophomore year “ because the previous pilot had been kicked out for editorial in ” He ze ze e e e e . I discr tions ( won a Pulit r Pri som y ars lat r . ) ran h e e A f e afoul o f t e authoriti s in my V ry ﬁrst issue . ullpag fronds e e e E e e o pi c show d an nglish lord at a ringsid tabl f a night club . “ ” — A couple on the ﬂo or was doing the shimmy a sexy dance z he me he m e cra e o f t mo nt. T caption had so body asking the lord “ h e f the e b I e w o . A s e e the hat thought xhi ition ll can y , r pli d “ ’ ’ I 0 es e e th e e e N M . P ur lord, is that p marri s gal r sid nt icholas ray Butler took time out from busy life to explain to m e ( 1 ) that E e e e e 2 if nglish lords rar ly spok with cockn y acc nts, and ( ) that succeeding issues o f Jester e o n tain ed an y more questionable sto ’ I d be m ar e e f e m e e e e e . ri s, out on y v n ast r than y pr d c ssor T e be e e e e I f e th e his was a pr tty so ring xp ri nc , and dri t d into — more serious side o f the publishing business fo r many years un 1 2 be e e e the ee fo r e til 94 , to pr cis , wh n obvious n d mat rial to make people laugh induced me to make a collection that ulti e e THE e B K OF WAR HUM R mately app ar d as Pock t OO O . That was f e THE P e B K OF C R OONS AND sro p ME ollow d by ock t OO A T , TRY , AU H K W G e and now L G ING STOC . As olcott ibbs onc wrote about “ H L e W e e all en d G o d arry uc , h r it will , knows v The majority o f the stories in this book are neither as old as o h e we J o e Miller nor as n ew as p enicillin . A lot f t m re in general circulation before most o f the people who will read them berg e e — e e e me w a e w r born but good jok s, lik good win s , llo with g , “ e f e T e e and as so many wits hav truth ully insist d, h r is no such ’ e e f e n e e If ou e e w. e . thing as a r ally old jok y n v r h ard it b or , it s “ Most so - called n ew stories are simply dressed up versions o f W Abe e e e chestnuts anyhow. hat Lincoln us d to t ll Thadd us Stevens now passes as conversation between Harry Truman and i e et— e e e are e for em J mmy Byrn s . J prop ll d plan s substitut d tand e t for V l e e G - for bicycl s, psychoanalys s i lag m dicos, strings bus

( vi) INTRODUCTION

le — e e f T e T A t s and pr sto, a tal rom rav ling hrough rkansas ’ e the 1 8 0 s e e n ew e b ee (publish d in 5 ) b com s a gag, claim d y thr f ou are e comedians and four Broadway columnists . I y hon st with e f e ee w f yours l , you will admit that you too hav b n kno n to all ’ prey to that silly habit o f claiming other people s jokes as your

e e o the 8 : 8 e ou . own . Jon s t lls y u a story on that mak s y laugh Fifteen When yo u arrive at the o ffice you retell it to Johnson . minutes later you overhear Johnson telling it to a friend over the ’ W fin o s 3 o ffice telephone . ith what e rage y u da h into Johnson “ ’ an d snarl Hey! What 8 the idea of telling my story without ’ me e ? It the m us— a e t if giving cr dit s ham univ rsal rait, slightly en IS e e more pronounced 1n women than m . This not an ntir ly u e e e m e npr judic d sti at . Many o f the newer anecdotes in this book were sent to me by e e e first m ee T e W total strang rs, and app ar d in y w kly rad inds m tur Lit er t r e e colu n in the Sa day Review of a u e. Th s contributors comm ented in a superior sort of way about the antiquity o f sto e e e e e the ee ef e e e b ri s som body ls had submitt d w k b or , and nd d y fe e f e n e retailing a w choic samples o th ir o W . This nchanting and l - I e e e e abor saving custom hav ncourag d as vigorously as possibl . I e e e m f e the hav tri d to scatt r y own avorit s throughout book, rather than follow the tim e- honored custom of putting all the e h h good appl s at t e top o f t e barrel . I have tried also to avoid i ff e e th e e e e e . T e e g ving o ns to most s nsitiv r ad r his coll ction, lik e lts f o f I S e Ne all oth rs, has ull quota rish, cotch, J wish, gro, and C e e e o n e of em I u ockn y yarns, but v ry th , think, plays p humor ous qualities of the races involved without holding them up to e e e e e ridicul or d rision . Tacit urn farm rs and th ir b autiful daugh e e e e e of the h e e e e the e of t rs, sal sm n, p opl t atr , in briat s, and all r st the e e e e e e e e the e Th e in vitabl and xagg rat d charact rs p opl volum ‘ e e e e e the b e of the a av rag , v ryday citiz n is ackbon n tion, but slim — pickings for a joke book . He is supposed to buy it not star in it ! F e for e e e inally, this is a coll ction r asonably adult and int llig nt readers . I believe it normal and healthy to laugh at certain uni

( vii) INTRODUCTION

— — versal aspects o f the S E X problem without leers or obscene The t of th e m o f e h e . P e A w isp rings vast populari y hu or t r rno, m e E W e W D w r. R H. A S ll n ith, hitn y arro , J , arl ilson, ichard

‘ T the e T e Sm 13 e e e t er aylor, and lat horn ith vid nc tha a goodly p e e o f e e e e r c ntag Am rican p ople agr e with this th o y .

he e e o f for e f m eme w r ad r today, instanc , inds scant a us nt the o f B N e A e W O e e e e in writings ill y , rt mus ard, and th r c l brat d r h - of e e e . B the e e t e o f e wits y st y ar y sam tok n, school wis crack, n -fire e ee r the i sult, and rapid r part , so popula today on radio and e e e e e me é due e I e e e th e ls wh r , will b co pass in cours . b li v that m ue m e ee f e the e e co ing vog in hu or has alr ady b n or cast by g ntl r, e - f e e e the e l ss sadistic, but soul satis ying laught r vok d on stag by “ ” “ m e e L fe F e I Re em e such thu ping succ ss s as i with ath r, m b r ” “ T e e M he L e G e e A e . T e ama, and at org pl y his is a d v lopm nt that most true devotees of humor will welcome with resounding ee The e o f the f e e e e e e ch rs . jok book utur will b ar littl r s mblanc ’ M e me if I m to this collection . y grandson will t ll ( still kicking “ ’ the e F Pete e that e e e around at tim ) or s sak , is what p opl laugh d ” at fifty years ago? I Only hope this book fares well enough to “ if e of Yes ou f e i t just y an answ r , y r sh young scalawag, ” tain ly is! ” “ The e o f e e T Wa the e A s ctions this book h ad d his y to Jok s, ” “ Handful o f Defin itio n s; and Limerick Lane appeared or1g1 ” THE P e B OK OF OKES I e e a d nally in ock t O J , which dit d, n which are reprinted in this more permanent format by permission o f e B n I ke e o f the n i P I c . e ock t ooks, hav ta n advantag opportu ty to e e e e e e e m e few e e s add s v ral stori s h r and th r , and ak a n c s ary cor “ ” Th e e e e e fe e rections . s ction call d Last Laughs is an xclusiv atur R e are t m f . of this volume. So he ini itable drawings o Carl os I hope everybody will fin d a lot o f stories in LAUGHING STOCK ’ ’ he e ef e— o r e for h e s that hasn t h ard b or , at l ast, not so long that forgotten them! BENNETT CERF (viii) Co n te n ts

' In troductzon

PAGE ‘U

TH I S WAY TO TH E J O K E S

page 3

LAU GH I N G STO C K D E F I N I T I O N S

’ WEB STER s NOAH ! NOAH !

page 1 83

LI M E R I C K LAN E

page 1 9 1

LAST LAU G H S

page 2 0 1

Two PASSENGERS lolling in deck- chairs on the Queen Mary

e w re boasting to each other of their prowess as salesm en . “ ’ ” “ I m e e o n e be from Sch n ctady, said , and you may not

e e it the ef e we e I e e e li v , but day b or sail d , sold G n ral El ctric ’ ﬁfty thousand dollars worth of cardboard boxes “ ’ ’ What s that? deprecated the other . Nothing! I ll tell m h e e . T e you about e . I run a clothing stor in Gl ns Falls day

e e we le e her b for sai d , a woman cam in to buy a suit to bury ” in - I her e husband and sold an xtra pair of pants .

A FAMOUS MAESTRO had a tough time deciding whether to marry a very beautiful but stupid girl or a rather painful look

e t u e m ing cr a r who was blessed with a agn iﬁcen t voice . Art

H e the T e . e he triumph d marri d soprano . morning after their

he e u o o n e e e her nuptials , wok p , to k look at his brid , nudg d “ ’ N ” e e e SI G . and shri k d, For God s sak , ‘

' A RACE TRACK HAB ITUP: told his wife The darndest thing

e e m happ n d to e at Jamaica this afternoon . I was bending down to tie my shoe- lace and some near- sighted goon ” e e m strapp d a saddl on e . LAUGHING STOCK

? e th f What did you do ask d e wi e . ? ” What the hell could I do complained th e husband . I

came in third .

BETTY GRABLE entertained a hy e- year- old niece fo r a Holly

- he th e the e wood week en d. S was in e tub bathing wh n littl girl entered the bathroom and asked if she could climb into “ ” h h e t e er. e e e e tub with Com ah ad , said B tty, and th n notic d

h h r that t e little girl was staring very intently at e . “ ’ h ? What s t e matter she asked . ” I am e the e e I am wond ring, said ni c , why it is that so ’ plain and you re so fancy . 9G

“ ’ a I LL K n ew ee e e MA E a sport coat for you, agr d an ov rwork d “ ’ ” “ ! il be e . T ta or, but it won t r ady for thirty days hirty days “ r h h e the e e e e t e e . t e e p ot st d custom r Why, Lord cr at d ntir ” “ ” h “ w 1n SIX e t e . e orld days . Tru , said tailor And hav you taken a good look at it lately?

THE PASTOR ﬁn ished a forceful sermon on the Ten Com

m n dm n a en ts . O e e e en parishion r was crush d mom tarily, but “ ” “ u h f e e so e e . e e I e on p rk d p Anyway, told hims l , hav n v r ” e mad a graven image .

SENATOR BARKLEY of Kentucky tells the story about the race- track patron who charged up to the w1cket three times

e to place heavy bets on Blue Bell in the fourth race . Wh n he

a e e the for f e e e pp ar d at window a ourth tim , an onlook r tapp d “ ” “ ’ him the e e he I e on should r . Broth r, said, r ckon this ain t ) ( 2 THIS WAY To THE JOKES

’ e I I be any of my busin ss, but if was you, wouldn t risking all ’ H win o that money on Blue Bell . e ain t gonna that f urth ’ racef

“ ’ h e e ﬁ ure out all ee e t e . Says you , j r d b tt r How d ya g that by yourself? “

e e e the e . I e W ll , if you must know, r spond d oth r happ n ’ ’ ’ to own Blue Bell and I j es know h e ain t go m to win that ’ racef

d he e The e reﬂecte e . e e so oth r for a minut M bb , allow d,

if f I n be but that is a act, all can say is it is goi g to a mighty ”

h f e . slow race . I own t e other our hors s

THE TEACHER was determined to increase the vocabulary o f “ ” ’ h r h e e e . s e graduating class Now, boys, said, you v all h ard

th e e use h is about e gr at Prince Machiav lli . Can anybody name in a sentence ? ’ be de e e ﬂash . e Littl Willi s hand was up in a My fath r, , “ e t e e for la d proudly, can Machiav lli good pair of pants The class had scarcely recovered from this blow when the teacher asked fora sentence containing the word m eretri

n e— in . we e e e cio s Willi fact, might almost call him irr pr ssibl — “ " Willie was right back on his feet with I wish you a Mere-f ’ t Ne ricious and a Happy w Year .

’ WH To NY s W e he in con sol EN IFE pass d away, was almost h able . At t e cemetery he almost collap sed with grief; in the carriage riding back to New York his whole frame shook “

. e f e ir with wild sobs Now, now, Tony, sooth d his ri nd ,

e . I n ow b ut sixamon th r ally is not so bad know it is tough , in LAUGHING STOCK

maybe you ﬁn d another beautiful bambina a n d ﬁrsta thing ” you know you get married again . ”

e him e ! he e . Tony turn d to in a rag . Sixa month shout d ” What I gonn a do ton ight?

LUIGI AND VINCENTE made a solemn pact that the o n e who died ﬁrst would make every effort to make contact with the

o n h ﬁrst o e e n . t e l ft o earth Luigi was to g , for months

V e e e for inc nt wait d in vain a word or a sign .

On e e e he e ee day, how v r, as was walking down a sid str t, “ ’ ” he e e e e ! He e h ard a low Vinc nt , my fri nd It s Luigi . p ered

e e e the frantically in v ry dir ction, but only livin g thing in

a e e e sight was spindly, und rf d hors , hitched to a dilapidated THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

’ - ice . e the e me ! wagon Y ah, said hors sadly, It s , Luigi

e e e see e e Liv as long as you can, Vinc nt , for what happ ns wh n

die ! i e e me e s me e you Th s pig Guis pp who owns b at , starv s

me e me ice- x ee , and mak s lug this wagon around si t n hours a ” “ “

! e e n e e . day But, Luigi, prot st d Vi c nt , you can talk Why ’ ” “ ” - - -h e e e e e . S s s don t you rais h ll with Guis pp , caution d “ ’ ’ l ’ . e et I . e Luigi For God s sak , don t him know can talk H ll ‘ have me hollering Ice !

THE GOLF MATCH to en d all golf matches was played up in h h . d t e e t . . Sr e e a Heaven by St . P t r and S Paul P t r e honor on

the ﬁrst tee e e o n e . St . un and promptly mad a hol in Paul ,

he St . e e e t e e e e the e e . daunt d , r p at d p rformanc P t r mark d “ es e e e W scor down dutifully on his card, th n r mark d, hat do ’ ? e the e et you say, Paul L t s cut out miracl s and g down to

e busin ss .

B H ee Mt er GEL ER FROM C ICAGO and Gr nbaum from . V non met at Miami Beach and became fast friends in the course of

he i New ee in n . On t a fort ight tra n north to York, Gr nbaum — sisted that his n ew friend spend a week en d with him at his

e e e e to . e home in Mt . V rnon b for r turning Chicago Th y had

ﬁn e im e e e e a t tog th r, lots of good food and drinks , but wh n

e e e e ﬁn d Monday morning cam , G lb r was amaz d to a bill for “ ”

0 e e he e e . $4 on his br akfast tray . This is an outrag , splutt r d You insisted on my coming up here with y ou for the week m i en d e e t . , and now you want to charg for “ ’ I o e ee . C rtainly, said Gr nbaum You didn t think was g ing to give you all this for nothing?

( 5 ) LAUGHING STOCK

The e e f s f ee e argum nt wax d a t and urious , Finally Gr n “ ’ ’ l h I e e . e et t e e e baum said , t ll you what w ll do W ll rabbi h r

e e ee he decide who is right in this argument . G lb r agr d and t

e e e e th r lis cas was duly pr s nt d to e local rabbi . That w o thy

e e e ef he ﬁn all G elber a must t n d v ry car ully and y said, pay the The e o Chicagoan was furious, but abid d by his w rd

2 and handed Greenbaum two $5 0 bills . ’ I e of e ee wouldn t dr am taking this mon y, said Gr n baum . “ ’ ? What s the idea said the puzzled friend . ” I e ee just want d to show you, said Gr nbaum, what a ’ ” terrible rabbi we ve got here in Mt . Vernon .

’ the e e e e h e PAPA, said doting moth r, Rob rt s t ach r says ” ought to have an encyclopedia . “ e h f L e e u e t e e . et Encyclop dia, my y , gr mbl d ath r him walk to school like I did .

A CASTING DIRECTOR of a big Hollywood studio was inter

g ru ted h 1s e e e e outs1de p by s cr tary, who said, Th r IS a man ” ho in 1s e w s ts upon s eing you immediately . “ W e h ? hat do s e do said the casting director . ” “ He e me the e e he e e t lls , said s cr tary, that sp cializ s in ’ sticking his right arm into the lion s cage in big jungle pic ” tures . “ h r W e e e t e e . That sounds int r sting, said di ctor hat do s he call himself? “ ” h e t e e e . L fty, said s cr tary ( 6 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

RA G e e e A T VELIN SALESMAN, sp nding a night at an upstat hot l , ordered his dinn er and then prepared to read his evening ’ Th e e e e e e e e . e n wspap r . waitr ss int rrupt d You hav n t ord r d ” o f she e any our potato soup , chid d “ ’ ”

I e the e e . don t lik potato soup, said trav l r ”

e e e e she e . We Oh , but you must tak som h r , insist d ” are famous all over the state for our potato soup . “ ’ ” I e I h e es t ll you don t want any potato soup , said t tily,

e an d turn d away . The waitress bit her lip an d served his dinner in an ag

e e e e e the e the gri v d sil nc . Lat that night man who occupi d next room to the traveler had a violent attack of indigestion .

His e e e e e wif , who had much xp ri nc with this sort of thing, rushed down to the lobby and sought out the hotel phys

“ ’ ” e e o she e e Pl as g up to my husband s room, b gg d, and

’ e ﬁ h . e t e tr at him A high colonic always cures him . H ll g lik the e ir he l be d vil against , but if you simply insist, wi l com l l p ete y cured in an hour .

The e rmstake o the e doctor mad a slight in ro ms , with r sult

the obr t e e e e e e e that p rav ling sal sman, d spit his arn st prot sts

his h e ot the e e e e and s ri ks of anguish , g tr atm nt that was int nd d

the e for man n xt door . Two weeks later our hero met an old friend who an n oun ced his intention of spending a night at the hotel where

’ ” h e n ﬁn t e e e e e . e o e e pr c di g v nts took plac It s a h t l, admitt d h t e e e let me e e e of ce . e trav l r, but giv you a pi c advi Wh n

e to e e the e . th y try s ll you potato soup, tak it right with dinn r ” e Th y are bound to give it to y ou in on e form or another . LAUGHING STOCK

A MADISON AVENUE BUS was unusually crowded o n e morn

1 e e e th n g . A pass ng r sitting n xt to e window suddenly buried “ The e h e . iin e Are his h ad in his arms man n xt to ask d, you sick? Can I do anything for you? “ ’ ” It he s e t e e . e nothing lik that, Oth r assur d him I just hat to see old ladies standing ?

A MAN and his wife were sitting together in the living room

The e the on e ven m . e e g phon rang and man answered . H

1 the e o n e ? sa d on phon , How arth should I know Why ” don t you call the Coast Guard? Then he hung up and re

n e tur ed to his n wspaper . “ Th e fe e e ? wi ask d , Who was that, d ar “ ’ The e the f e e . e husband said , I hav n t aint st id a Som silly ” e h j rk wanted to know if t e coast was clear .

A GUARD from the lunatic asylum rushed up to a farmer on h “ m t e a e e 1e . road and said, I looking for an scap d lunat Did h e pass th1s way ? The farmer puffed thoughtfully on his corn cob pipe an d “ e e h e lo o k like P ask d, What do s z “ ’ ” He s e the he e v ry short, said guard, and is v ry thin and ” he e w ighs about 35 0 pounds .

The e e can m a farm r look d at him in amazement . How a n ” be ? short and thin and still weigh 35 0 pounds he asked . “ ’ ” “

e the . Don t act so surpris d, said guard angrily I told ” he you was crazy . ( 8)

LAUGHING STOCK

night? asked the ﬁrst cannibal . “ ” h t e e e . That was no lady, oth r assur d him That was my ” dinner .

’ f th a e A FAMOUS tragedian s wi e died at e ripe old g of 7 3.

e h er e e the e the t e Wh n body was low r d into grav , rag dian “ ’ ur e e broke down completely . I didn t know yo wif m ant so ” “ e e e n e e much to you, said a fri nd lat r You c rtai ly w r cry

e h ing your ey s out at t e cemetery . ” h e him t e r e . That was nothing at all , t ag dian assur d hi e me the e Not ng at all . You should hav caught at fun ral ” parlor .

TWENTY GENTLEMEN in din ner coats and black ties dined “ e the 2 1 e f its long and w ll at Club , not xactly amous for h e ff Th e me t e b . mod st tari s . e mom nt ca for picking up ill “ me e e e men en This is on , cri d s v ral , without too much ’ thusiasm e e e the e Al , but, to v rybody s astonishm nt, voic of “ Mc i en gernon Sw gg rang out above the lot . This is a famous ” e the the McSwi en h e an anniv rsary in history of clan gg , “ n oun ced ee be e e re e e ch rily, and it will my gr at pl asu , g ntl men a the e the u e , to p y for dinn r and all drinks you can cons m ” t e e e f in h n xt thr e and a hal hours . Th e next morning the front page of the New York Times “ e e e : VENTRILO carri d a big, black h adlin SCOTCH U T MU DE D ” Q IS R RE .

A YOUNG MOUSE announced his engagement at lunch o n e “ ”

. e e e e et e day Tonight , said an old r fri nd, will d cid wh h r ’ ’ e r If h o e . er e you r a man a mous you kiss tonight, you r a

( 1 0 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

’ If e e e o ﬁ? the man . you r afraid to ass rt yours lf and put happy ’ ‘a e” e . day, you r just mous “

e be the e . I gu ss I must just a rat, said young mous sadly ” l t I kissed her as night .

OLD PROFESSOR MCKEON cleared his throat in the midst of an “ e a e e e e me en x mination p riod and r mark d g ntly, Will so g ’ ero us student who isn t copying from his text- book be kind enough to let me have the use of it for a few moments ?

THE FAMOUS black- face team of Moran and Mack had a great ’ routine built around Mack s experiences in running a farm for “ e h h e r . t e e e e W o o o a summ r Right at start xplain d , bought pigs at seventy ﬁve cents apiece and fattened them up all ” summer . “ did e e h ? What you s ll th m for in t e fall asked Mack . ”

e e ﬁve e e e . S v nty c nts api c , said Moran ’ ” You sold them for the same price you bought em for! “ ’

e e . said Mack . You can t mak any mon y that way “ ” h e . We e . Moran nodd d sadly found that out, said “

e . Moran also had a lot of hors s at his farm Funny thing, “ h e reported The white horses always ate more than the

e black hors s . “ e How do you xplain that? asked Mack . ’ ” “ le e e we I don t know, said Moran, un ss it was b caus had ” e e e mor whit hors s .

’ W - o f e e e AFTER T ENTY NINE YEARS w dd d bliss, a man s wif passed away and the bereaved husband had her ashes put into

( 1 1 ) LAUGHING STOCK

e he e e e the ﬁre lace a b autiful urn, which plac d dir ctly abov p

“ ee e s f e e h in his living room . H dl s ri nds f ll into t e habit of

i i e m ﬂ ck n g their cigar ashes into the urn . His broth r fro

e e ee e e the Chicago arriv d som w ks lat r, glanc d into urn , and “ e e e e e r mark d with som surpris , Say, your wif is gaining ” weight !

THREE VERY FANCY young gentlemen skipped into a corner “ ” “ h ﬁrst n ﬁrml . e e t e o e . gin mill Sarsaparilla, d mand d y Coca “ ”

h h . e e t e e . e e t e ord r d s cond Mak min milk, said third “ ’ ” m he I doing t driving .

A MAN named Chester Weil was bothered by an exaggerated case of dandruff and ﬁn ally determined to do something about

he e ffe e Th o n e . e ﬁrst it . In e day consult d four di r nt barb rs

The e e e r d on e poured green tonic on his head . s cond o n us d e h T e o n e e e . The f e e tonic . third us d blu tonic ourth r m dy was “ he f e e . ee e M a bright purpl Thr days lat r told a ri nd , y dan b ’ f ” if e ut t e n e . dru is gon , it s urn d i to con tti

A PROFESSIONAL POLITICIAN made a fervid campaign speech

th e l e e of e in Brownsvi l s ction Brooklyn for Tobias Ginsb rg, “ h f r e e e e e the w o was running o ass mblyman . For v ry l tt r in ” “ ” e e the e t e e alphab t, shout d orator, Ginsb rg has a Vir u . Th n “

A H e . B He he started counting o ff on his ﬁn gers . : e is abl : h f H . : e E He e . : e : e is brav C e is courag ous D is daring . is

i n f H e F: He . He e . He . I: H ﬁc e t . is rank G : is gr at : is hon st e

e e is int llig nt .

( 1 2 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

On e the e the ee of sp ctators in front row, who had long b n ’ e fo e e ee e to a p rsonal of Ginsb rg s, had b n list ning this cata

e e he the logu in growing impati nce . Now could stand strain

He e he mto the e . ee e t o no long r jump d to his f t, push d rator “ e : ﬁn ish e background, and cri d I will this list, ladi s and g m He K . tl en . : L M e H . He e J is a j erk . : e is a krook : is a lous

H - l N: H n b arab e . e e e . 0 : He o e is a murd r r e is a no good . is P He H . : e e . : He . : He : is a punk . Q is qu er R is a rat S stinks

T: He H e V He . U: e e e . : is a thief . is und p ndabl is a varmint

X Z H e e W: He is a waster . And Y : e is a g n ral all around son- o f- a-b

MCNAUGHTON LOOKED rather dej ected as he was taking o ff “ ’ ” i he ? e e h ice e . W t s skat s hat s matter ask d his fri nd . “ ’ ” “ I ve ee McNau hton e b n trying, said g , to mak a fancy

ﬁ r gu e for two hours . “ e e ? the e What happ n d prompted fri nd . h N She e me in t e e e Mc au hton . slapp d fac , sigh d g

SIGN in a Miami Beach restaurant : If you are over eighty years old and accompanied by your parents we will cash ” your check .

A MAN and his wife both believed ﬁrmly 1n remcarn ation and made a solemn pact that the ﬁrst on e who died would devote all' his efforts to communicating with the o n e who was still

e . du e aliv In e course the husband pass d away . Six months

e the ove o d to e e on e lat r, widow was my e h ar his voic night as

( 1 3) LAUGHING STOCK

’ ” ~ in ? she sat drows e e e . e s s he g ov r a n wspap r H llo , how trick said as calmly as though he had only left her ten minutes be fore to have a drink at the corner saloon . “ ” “ ” ! she e are ? Darling cri d . How you ” “ ’ n e he e e t e e Fi and dandy, said, and th r s a cow in h n xt ” ﬁeld that has the most beautiful blue eyes you ever saw . “ h f e T e widow brushed this startling in ormation aside . T ll

“ “ ” Are ? me e she n s e . all about yours lf, i ist d you happy “ ’ ” “ e m let me e I he a e . Sur , happy, s id impati ntly But t ll ’ re i e you some mo about that cow . It s sort of black and wh t

the f e and has so t st skin . ” m h e am e t e e e e . e Gracious , said xasp rat d widow H r I ,

the e remcarn ation dying to know about secr ts of , and you

ee m k p talking to e about a fool cow . “ “ f l the e e e . Oh, said d ad husband , I gu ss I orgot to t l you ” am I now a bull in Montana .

FOUR VERY DEAF old ladies played brldge every Tuesday af

n h f t er oo n . A Startled visitor heard t e ollowing bidding take place after o ne hand had been dealt : The ﬁrst lady bid four “ ” h “ e . ee e s e e t e e . spad s Thr h art , d clar d s cond Two dia ” “ h th f if t e . e e monds , said third W ll , said ourth, nobody ’ e e h s I o n e ‘ club ls a a bid , ll try 96

A BROADWAY PLAYBOY had a closer shave than he bargamed

e i for i n a local barber shop recently . His manicur g rl was Very beautiful and the playboy suggested dinner and a show “ ’

e e . the de that v ning I don t think I ought to , said girl “ ” mur l . e y I am married .

( 1 4 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

“ h “I’m h a e e t e . e e Ask your husb nd, sugg st d playboy sur ’ ” wouldn t mind . ) “ ’

h . e t e . He s ou Ask him yours lf, said girl shaving y

G E SON e e he e e th e MR . L A was nonchalant nough wh n Op n d

his e e e to door, but gu sts, who had dropp d in unannounc d

e e e e e. Mr pay a fri ndly call , st pp d back with som surpris .

Gleason was stark naked except for a high silk hat which was

e ﬁrml clamp d down y on his head . “ ” “ e the Ou o the W ll , said lady . Do y always g around house naked this way?

( 1 5 ) LAUGHING STOCK

e . e e me e e see . Sur , said Gl ason Nobody v r com s to ’ ” the e the ? the But what s id a of high hat persisted lady . “ ’ Explained Gleason : There s always a chance that some ” body will drop in .

, RS A S e fe MR . AND M . WILLI M happy marri d li almost went on the rocks because of the presence in th e h ousehold of old

e e e he e the il Uncle Ezra . For tw lv long y ars liv d with W liamseS a e e the , lways crotch ty, always d manding, always h h m ﬁrst on e t e e e e . t e an at tabl at m altim s Finally, old caught

n h th cem double pneumonia and died . O t e way back from e

er Mr he e et . e y , Williams told his wif that had a conf ssion to “ ” “ ’ he if e e . mak Darling, said , I didn t lov you so much , I ’ don t think I ever could have stood having your Uncle Ezra in the house all that t1me ” M ! he e e . e s His wif look d at him, aghast y Uncl Ezra “

he our e . cried . I thought was y Uncl Ezra

WEE G e e on e WILLIE DEE AN lov d his gam of golf, but bright, sunny day his friends saw h im sitting disconsolately in the h “ ’ e e e 1n s1 t . e club hous , his clubs nowh r g Why ar n t you out ” la m e? ed e p y g, Willi ask a fri nd “ ” e W n ae e . Ach , I can play agin, sigh d illi P” Why n Ot asked his friend . ” “ m e e . Ach , said Willi , I lost ball

A FRENCH UNDERSECRETARY was invited to the silver wed “ e ding anniversary of a distinguis hed English bishop . Silv r

( 1 6 )

LAUGHING STOCK

’ O CONNOR HAD HEARD that his old friend Murphy had mar ’ e the e e he ee the n ew e ri d for s cond tim , but didn t m t brid

e e e he e n the e until som months lat r, wh n bump d i to n wly

h N He ho rriﬁe weds in t e lobby of a big ew York hotel . was d h e e t e n ew . e to obs rv that Mrs Murphy wor an obvious wig,

’ on e e e wo o den le set e ee had glass y , a g and a of fals t th that rattled ominously every time she moved a muscle Com ’ letel e he e e ear p y tak n aback , whisp r d in Murphy s , What ” e e e e ? cam ov r you, John, to marry an old battl axe lik that “ ”

e u ee u . You can sp ak p , my boy, said Murphy ch rf lly ’ f ” She s dea too .

i Ro sm ENTERTAINED so many male Vis itors in the parlor and things were so quiet while they were in attendance that ’ n ll On e he d Rosie s Papa ﬁ a y grew suspicious . night tol his “ ’ e I ve e e l e us e k wif , got a wond rful inv ntion that wi l h lp ch c ’

e . e t e up on Rosi It s a television periscop . Just urn it on wh n

h her e he her Rosie is in t e parlor with f lla tonight . If holds ’ ’ h s e her e e l b e e be ee . e e hand, th r ll a gr n light If ki s s , th r l a purple light .

The o set e the e e c ntraption was in plac , mal visitor arriv d,

f f e e and Papa settled back or a nap . His wi e awak n d him by “ ” h “ e . e s e e shaking him Viol ntly Com quick, Papa, cri d, and see the pretty rainbow .

A DRUNKEN GENTLEMAN reeled out of his hotel and stumbled “ h n o in to a taxicab that was standing at t e curb . I wa na g ” - h thish e i e he n f e t e . around park thirty nin t m s, i orm d cabby

e e e The driver noted that the man was extremely w ll dr ss d .

( 1 8 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

He e He ﬁgured that his was not to reason why . start d driving

e e he around th e park at a leisurely pace . Aft r about a mil

fa e e the was stopped by a red light . His r bang d on window “ ’ I’m e e Fashter . see and d mand d angrily, , you idiot Can t you in a terrible hurry?

THEY TELL about another inebriated cavalier who boarded

x 2 n d ee n th e re a ta i at 4 Str t and Broadway and, pointi g to volvm e e e the e 1 g l ctric n ws sign on Tim s Building, sa d, “ ” e u n Driv r, j sh follow that sig .

A LADY in Vermont wrote to the Department of Agriculture “ an d e e h ' e ask d for a little advic on t e care of chickens . Ev ry “ n i the she e e e mor ng for past mont said, I hav discov r d three or four of my hens lying on their backs with their feet h ’ h ? ” in t e air. What s t e cause of this The Secretary of Agriculture spoke to three assistants who called in an Undersecretary of State and three or four Am bassadors e who happened to be standing around . Th y all put “ e e e e e th e e th ir h ads tog th r and s nt e lady a t l gram . Your ”

e e are e . h ns , it r ad , d ad

f RA e e o in e STUS , said a dusky b ll , You is g to hav to jump

’ ’ ’ o ut ob dat window cause sho n uiI dat am mah husband s ” “ ” f e h eah de s . e e e e ootst ps ah in hall But Hon y Chil , prot st d ” “ her We de ee h r . s s e visitor, is on thi t nth ﬂoor Ra tus , said “ ﬁrml w e n ebedeless . D m y , You is g in to jump is a no tim e for 7 e " sup rstitions .

( I 9 ) LAUGHING STOCK

A FUGITIVE SCIENTIST from a Boris Karloff horror picture dreamed up a serum that would bring inan imate obj ects to

He e e the e of re life . surr ptitiously tri d it out on statu a g at h e e e . e e t e e e e g n ral in C ntral Park Sur nough , statu gav a quiv r

e e the e e e the and a mom nt lat r g n ral , cr aking a bit in joints ,

e The c e f es . s e e e climb d down rom his p d tal i ntist was o v rjoy d .

h me e e e e e e e e . e I hav giv n you lif , xult d Now t ll , G n ral , ” what is the ﬁrst thing you are going to do with it? “ ’ ” T e e the e e n hat s asy, rasp d g n ral , rippi g a gun from his “ ’m holster . I going to sh00t about two million damn pi ” geons .

( 2 0 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

EPITAPH on th e gravest one o f an Army mule : Here lies Mag

ie in her e e two e o s ten g , who tim kick d colon ls, f ur major , ca e — e e -two se e s ou ptains , tw nty four li ut nants, forty rg ant , f r

- e e t e o n e . hundr d igh y six privat s, and bomb

’ DARRYL SELZ NICK hadn t found the story that suited him for six years and had reached a poin t where he was ready to listen

An as lran t e e o hi to all comers . unknown p was ush r d int s au “ ” e e m e ai e e on e . e e s gust pr s nc day Th y t ll you hav a play, d “ e f e s e o . Go Darryl S lznick, with a r as uring wav his hand ” ahead and read it to me.

e the e e e . r ermo e This was mor than author had xp ct d Fu th r , he had b een a victim of severe stuttering since he ﬁrSt learn ed

e h . e e so e sat to talk This chanc was too good to miss, how v r,

n d h h d o a e e e e e e . e e a d wn r ad his whol play, sc n by sc n Wh n

ﬁn ished e e e e . , Darryl S lznick shout d for his s cr tary “ ” “ ’ u h 1 He s n e n e e e . w t wis Sig this g y up at onc , cr d got a t ’ e e rollm in the e e 1n h that ll hav th m g aisles . Ev ry charact r is

t e play stu t rs .

3 A CHEMISTRY PROFESSOR chalked a formula HNO o n the h blackboard . Then e wheeled about and pointed a ﬁn ger at “ ” the ee e me h e t e . e a h sl pi st mb r of class Id ntify that formul , e demanded . “ “ ’ Er e the s e I ve ot n , ah, stall d unhappy tud nt, g it right o ” the e tip of my tongu , sir . “ ” ’ In h se the e o e e i t at ca , said prof ss r softly, you d b tt r sp t ’ ” it out b It s n i r . , my oy . t ic acid

( 2 1 ) LAUGHING STOCK

MONTGOMERY EPSTEIN was downtown w1th h1s W1fe an d

u t e l e e he e e e o fo r li tl chi dr n wh n d cid d to tak a taxicab h me. “ e he e e Approaching a cab driv r, d mand d, How much will you charge to drive us to the Bronx? “ ﬁ ure 2 a e an d h e e t e e . I g $ pi c for you your wif , said driv r “ ’ h ” I ll take t e four kids along for nothing .

o e e n e e M ntgom ry Epst i turn d to his childr n and said,

l e e e e . Jump n kids , and hav a nic rid hom Mamma and I will ” e th tak e subway .

D » 96

I w e sh e MRS . S MPsON o e n n e e e e m v d i to a hot l and , b for w nt h “ A e e al e t e e . e C out to buy h rs lf a radio , c l d up d sk Hav you ” r ? h o DC current here s e asked . “ ” On e e the e e e e e minut , said cl rk , and th n r turn d to r port, J ”

am e e e e e us . I sorry, madam, but n ith r is r gist r d with

96 « (t

A VAUDVILLE TEAM broke up after a long and checkered ca

ee e e e 1ts e e e r r and, for s v ral y ars, two m mb rs lost track of ach

o n e o f e e e e e other . Finally th m ent r d a dilapidat d hash hous h “ ’ on t e lower East Side and recognized his waiter . I don t “ — — e e e h e e e in n . b li v it gasp d . You a wait r this joi t “ e e e ex- e e I Tru , r pli d his partn r with gr at dignity, but

‘ ’ ” don t eat here . 46

A SCOTCHMAN with the romantic name of Bruce Wallace ’ made history at London s famous Scotland Yard shortly be

e the He t e e e e th e for war . ac ually d mand d an int rvi w with head of the Yard to report that he had lost a shilling on Old

The 0 Bo nd Street and that he had been unable to ﬁn d it . Sc t

( 2 2 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES lan d Yard official fell into the spirit of the o ccasion an d as sured him that the entire Lo ndon Police Fo rce would be put on the job .

n i as e ul e it e e o That ght, fat wo d hav , som thing w nt wr ng with on e of the gas pipes under Old Bond Street and ﬁfty

e e e e o e th s e o f the o e workm n w r dispatch d t locat e ourc tr ubl . They dug a ditch six feet wide straight across Old Bon d

t ee trafﬁc e e o e an d e o n S r t, stopping compl t ly, of c urs , xp si g

a h mom all the underground pipes to the open air. E rly in t e

the e e e o h n e e the e e oo on e ing, b r av d Sc tc ma app ar d on sc n , t k

the e in e oo e look at r pair work progr ss , and sh k his h ad with “ ” e o n e for the a a he r luctant approval . I must say thing r sc ls, “ ’ e admitted . Th y re thorough

THE PATROLMAN strolled up to a drunk who was leaning “ ’ - e e e An against a four story building and r mark d pl asantly, ’ ” hwhat ez ez are t e e me ? p is it y think y doin h r , buck “ ” the e the sol Holding up building, pronounc d drunk emn ly . “ i h e ez tte is t e t e . Oh it is, , laugh d cop W ll, y had bi r ”

e me me let th e il n a . com with , buck, and bu di g f ll down

The e the the f e o . drunk cam with cop , and building ll d wn

ON G e a in a fa THE MORNIN of an important r cit l London, mous American violinist stopped in at a small Leicester “ e 0 Ye sir e the E st . s Squar sh p and ask d girl for an ring , , h s e e e e e for e e es . r pli d dubiously, and disapp ar d s v ral minut

e she etu e she her a box ss r e Wh n r rn d, had in hand full of a o t d ’ ” eces o f s n an Ere ir she o an d old e s . s pi c rd, tri g, rubb r b d ,

( 2 3) LAUGHING STOCK

’ ’ sa d e . e the i , you pick hit yours lf I can t t ll bloody e strings h ” fro m t e she strings .

AN INDIGNANT LADY barged up to the host of a formal dinner “

a t e e e e e . p r y and said, I will n v r nt r your hous again, sir Your ” e Wif has just grossly insulted me . “ ’

I m e e e be e e e th e . sur th r must som mistak , sooth d host ” What did she say? “ She o f the t ee e the said I was a woman s r ts, shrill d

o w man . “ ’ h e t h . e e her. e That s just way, said ost I hav b n out of the Army for thirty years and she still calls me Colonel .

THE SENATE had just appropriated three billion dollars for

o —ofﬁces e e il n s e p st , s v n b lio dollar for monum nts , and four

ee for e e e e t e e t n billion dollars roads l ading nowh r , wh n h r

e was a sudd n commotion in o n e corner of the chamb er . “ ” - o the the e e . L ck doors , lock doors, cri d a gray hair d solon ’ There s a dime gone from my pocket and nobody leaves ” ﬁn d it this room until I .

i A e ln e the ﬁrs ee . MACLEISH S W Mr. Ginsb rg s tt g alon on t t “ ” e? he e How about a twosom sugg sted . “ ’ ” h ? r What s t e use of my playing with you said M . Gins “ ’ e e tw e e berg . I hav only play d golf ic in my lif and I wouldn t ” be able to give you much of a game . “ ” h s am e e e MacLeis . I no good mys lf, d clar d I ju t play ’ the e e e e e 0 for x rcise . L t s have a fri ndly littl match for $55 on ” th e e sid .

( 2 4 )

LAUGHING STOCK

A VERY social- minded and serious lady was added to the

f i he bo ard of a home for wayward and allen g rls . S made it her e e e e e busin ss to sp ak to ach inmat s p rsonally, and

’ ’ e e char m It s th n cam g g 1nto her ﬁrst directors meeting . ” “ e she e e we e i a high tim , d clar d, that b gin try ng to attract

“ ” e e as o f b tt r cl s girls to this institution .

S S the e e e e e e e HAL IM , bridg xp rt, got so tir d of answ ring l tt rs from strangers requesting elucidation on the ﬁn e points of

( 2 6 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

the game that he vented his spleen on on e enthusiast who asked him no fewer than six questions in a single letter by sending him a bill for professional services rendered The

a e e e e his e Am gitat d bridg play r call d up lawy r and said, I ” legally bound to pay this bill ? “ h e Th the e e are t e . e e You , said lawy r n xt day lawy r s nt him l e a bil for l gal advice .

Mr i e e . DOCTOR, DOCTOR, call d Schultz frant cally, com

ee h er e quick . You know my wife always sl ps with mouth wid ” n Open u dt just now a mouse ran down her throat . “ ’ ”

I be e few e the . e ll ov r in a minut s , said doctor M an w e e e ee e of h er hil , try waving a pi c of ch s in front mouth and ” e he mayb t mouse will come out .

e the e e the u a rt e he Wh n doctor r ach d Sch ltz pa m nt, found

Mr u e n — o e . Sch ltz in his shirt sle ves wavi g a six pound ﬂ und r ’

a th e e . e fr ntically in front of prostrat Mrs Schultz s fac . “ ’ h ? ” “ What s t e idea said the exasperated doctor . I told you ’ ” t w e e e ee e e e . o av a pi c of ch se . Mic don t lik ﬂound rs “ “ ’ M e o e r. . e t I know, I know, gasp d Schultz But w v , got ” the ﬁrs get cat out t .

“ ’

THA S the ie the Chesterﬁeldian . NK FOR p , lady, said hobo ” “ ” e the sus It Was particularly perfect . M aning what? said “ icious e the was p samaritan . M aning, said hobo , that if it an e e e e e e me it y b tt r, you would n v r hav giv n it to , and if ‘ i ” was e e e e e e t . any wors , I could n v r hav at n

W HOWE the n i New o HEN DEACON took ght boat to Y rk , the pastor asked him to order a Christmas sign to betacked ( 2 7 ) LAUGHING STOCK

o e the o f the h v r door church . Howe promptly lost t e note which gave the dimensions of k the s ign and the inscription “ be e e e he e the that was to print d th r on, so wir d pastor, Rush ” n ew e the copy of motto and dimensions . A lady cl rk in

Western Union oth ee got the reply and promptly fainted . “ e t u i ee ee ee It r ad Un o s a ch ld is born . Eight f t long thr f t

e wid .

A BOUNCER in a Bowery saloon threw a free- lunch moocher

ear e the e out on his four tim s running, but undaunt d Victim

e e c e e the er k pt stagg ring ba k for mor . A customer watch d p forman ée un ﬂa in e e an d ﬁn all e the with gg g int r st, y tapp d

e n th K ee bounc r o e shoulder . now why that bum k ps com ” “ ’ in ? h e ing back e observed . You r putting too much back spin on him .

96 « a

GEORGE JESSEL and three companions went down to Belmont

n the the ﬁrst ce e e e e o e day to play races . For ra th y s l ct d

he e e e e e the bet . e e Hotcha, and J ss l w nt to mak Wh n r join d “ He he met Saten stein . his companions said , I says Hotcha

‘ ” h zi ﬁn ished ﬁrs so bet on W oo s . t stinks, I Hotcha by six lengths .

h th e e e e e t e e e e . e In s cond rac , syndicat s l ct d Daisy Lou J ss l “ ’ e e Saten stein he r port d, I saw again and said Daisy Lou didn t ” m bet e e He e . e e . hav a pray r told to on Chain L tt r, so I did

1 Daisy Lou won this race at odds of 36 to . And so it went

e e with all the remaining races on the card . Ev ry tim the four

e e e Sa en stein met e e the e fri nds pick d a winn r, t J ss l at b tting window and persuaded him to shift to a nag who ﬁn ished out

( 2 8 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

h h o f the . e t e e ee t e running Wh n last rac had b n run, four

‘ friends sat disconsolately tearing up all their tickets . “ ” e e e e on e th e I could stand som fr sh roast d p anuts , said of

men . “ ’ ] I et e e e . ll g th m , said J ss A few minutes later he was back with six bags of Cracker “ met aten te h e e jacks . I S s in again e xplain d

THE SCOTCH chemistry professor was demonstrating the “ ” h e e e . . e e prop rti s of various acids Watch car fully, instruct d “ I am going to drop this two shilling p1ece 1nto this glass of i ? acid . W ll it dissolve “ ”

e o n e e e . No , sir , spok up stud nt v ry promptly ” “ ’ ? e e l No aske d the demonstrator . P rhaps you ll xp ain to

’ th e class why it won t dissolve “ ” ’ e e e the e W B caus , cam answ r, if it would, you ouldn t ” r in d op it .

HEYWOOD BROUN stepped o ff a New York- Chicagotrain o n e “ ’ f ee k t e morning looking badly rayed . I didn t sl p a win on h

” ' ’ h n e o f e e e e e . O train all night , xplain d Sing r s Midg ts was in the upper above m e and kept m e awake all night pacing ” up and down .

IN ACCORDANCE with the time- honored curriculum of the

“ ” ’ e e e On e- E e Shimkin e f his ﬁrst Stat P nit ntiary, y sp nt part o “ ’ ” he New ? t e . ou morning at prison barb r shop guy, ain t y “ ” h - e e The e e t e e On e E e . hazard d barb r . y grunt d ass nt barb r set e e e a rt to work with his l ctric clipp r , accompanying his

( 2 9 ) LAUGHING STOCK

run n 1n e o n t o litics e sex with a g comm ntary p , bas ball , , music , an d the lamentable in efﬁcien cy o f co - workers on either side “B ” the he the en d o f . of his chair . y way, said at his oration “ ” “ ” et e e ? On e-E e Shimkin What you g s nt up for, broth r y

e e e e e e glar d at him bal fully with his good y and answ r d, ’ The a e in de toid e s e so b rb r chair at Gr co talk d too much , ’ o n e day I grabbed de f razor outa his hand and cut de bum s ” troat wid it .

” WHAT 5 THE CHARGE against this man? asked the judge . “ ” “ e e e the n He was ﬁ ht Drunk and disord rly, r port d cor g ” ing with a taxi driver .

h dr1v r f e h e t e e e t e ud . Bring in taxi , ord r d 1 g ’ ” “ ’ i the s t u . e e n o That , yo r honor, said cop Th r wasn t ” taxi driver .

IN e e e e e DARKEST BROOKLYN, a pupil r port d to his natur t ach r, “ ” Dis morn ing I ho id a boid choipin g . “ e i ec e the e e . a No , John, corr t d t ach r You h ard b rd ” chirping . ” ! m coulda e a Funny co mented John . I swor it was boid ” cho ipin g!

96 « 4!

A WOMAN submitted a torrid love story to a confession maga

e e zine an d waited impatiently for several we ks for a r ply . “ e e was she w1red e e e r Wh n non forthcoming , Pl as r po t on h ” my story immediately as I have other irons in t e ﬁre . An “ a e e— e — e We e e e o nsw ring wir coll ct r ad , hav consid r d y ur ” story and advise you to put it with the other irons .

( 30) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

A RADIO COMIC regaled a dign iﬁed assemblage ' in a Park Ave n ue mansion with a number o f jokes that were born at a

’ e e The t men s smok r and should have been kept ther . fac that

< 2 1 F1 nobody laughe d did not deter the com c for a moment . nally he ran down of his own momentum and asked the butler “ o f e Th e e e m C e for a glass wat r . host ss add d gri ly, And harl s,

e bring a cak of soap and a toothbrush with it .

’ AN X chn itzle s . E CITED LADY burst into Mrs . S boudoir Your ” “ ” hn itzl . Sc e ! h ! s e e . son , Mrs cri d Your son “ ? hn itzle What about my son demanded Mrs . Sc .

All the hn itzle see e e e . Sc kids w r playing a gam , Mrs , to ”

e . who could l an out of the window farthest . Your son won

( 3 1 ) LAUGHING STOCK

AN New i e e ee e e OLD Hampsh r Stor k p r was br athing his last, “ f be a and a sorrowful amily surrounded his d of pain . Is M ” “ ” “ ? h An d e e h e Ye e e e e e . e e . s s h r ask d w arily , Z k , r pli d my ” “ ” “ ” “ ” “ - ? e Yes the e hy e Yes . old st son? . And oth r boys And ” “ ” the f ? Yes e he f e e . T our girls , Z k ailing patriarch struggl d ’ ? ” n the e he e . to a sitti g position . What s big id a shout d “ ’ Who s tending the store ? 96

’ ’ ONE OF Lou Holtz s stories concerns a millionaire s madcap daughter who bought an automobile that could reach a speed o f 1 m e Th e ﬁrst morn m she it she 7 5 il s an hour . g that had , went out to do a little innocent baiting of motorcycle cops . She had reached a speed of 90 miles an hour before she ar ’ e She e e m tr e O e . h act d ( n s att ntion wait d until had al ost caught

' 1 2 he up with her and then raised her speed to 0. Again man

e her h e she ed ag d to catch up with . This stopp fooling and

h 1 e put her foot all t e way down on the pedal . 7 5 mil s an

h e hour! T e cop disappear d in a cloud of dust . This was not ’ the e she e ﬁn d young lady s id a of fun , so turn d around to out

he e what had happened to him . S found him wreck d in a

“ ’ “ I almo st ’ o t h e e o h r . e ditch g you t at third tim , h t ld , but you pulled away from me so fast that I thought my motor ” ff e e e o s e e e . cycl had stopp d, so I got to what happ n d

G R B S a. e e BOJ AN LES O IN ON knows Harl m dowag r who ,

e if e e e e n he he t . e t aft r a l tim of sin, d cid d to joi church Wh n, deacons plunged her mm the icy river the ﬁrst time sh e “ e e h he e e e . e t e e s e gasp d, I b li v Aft r s cond dunking chatt r d,

e e e . e she t e e I b li v A third tim , gulp ing for air, spu t r d again,

( 32 >

LAUGHING STOCK

HE G e th - e h T YOUN LADY tapp d e taxi driv r gently on t e back . “ ’ ” “ ’ e e? she e Won t you put up your window, pl as ask d . It s ’ ” blowing papa s hair too much . “ ’ ” How far can a little wind blow a man s hair? sneered

he e t driv r . “ The she f e e 1t ee last gust, in orm d him , bl w about thr miles .

FIVE - YEAR-OLD CHRISTOPHER went to a party in a brand-n ew

h e e e e ee ll lt . W e e S h n cam hom , ragg d hol s had b n cut into it

e e e with a pair of scissors . His moth r gaz d at him in const rna “ ” n ew ? she t1on . What did you do to your b eautiful suit gas ped . “ W d i e e e e e e ec d d , A to play groc ry stor xplain d Christo “ ”

e o f Sw1ss ee e . pher . I was a pi ce ch s

’ ; e e e MATT ROBERTS m . c d a dinn r at which four sp ak rs in suc

m The e ces sion grossly exceeded the1r t1 e limits . audi nce was “

. e e e e writhing with discomfort Rob rts aros and said, B for ’ in tro ducm the n e e e I d e el skele g xt sp ak r , lik to t l you of two

' im r1 o n e n e e ﬁn all s d e . O tons p in a dark , musty clos t of th m y ‘ ’ ’

r e If we we d et e e . g umbl d, , had any guts , g out of h r Rob erts says two vice- presidents were trampled in the stampede fo r h t e exits .

A PAIR of newlyweds stepped into their hotel elevator . “ ”

e e the et e r. e e H llo , darling, murmur d pr ty op rato Th r was

( 34 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

le e the u e the e ea e a chill si nc all way p , but wh n coupl r ch d ” the e e e was ? their ﬂoor brid xplod d , Who that hussy

“ ’ ” i the m Now don t you start anyth ng, groo said wor “ ’ l I m e e e o ex lain m to ried y . going to hav troubl n ugh p g you ” her tomorrow .

e s o f his own in FOR MANY YEARS Mr. Brown had a littl hop New York where he did all the work himself; only rarely

h e t e n the ess an d he m et did e v n ur out i to big world of busin ,

l n e s e rs e e e few e e . en e v ry p opl Sudd y, his busi s boom d, buy w r

e so o e ame in and out of his factory all day long , and quit n it b c

h n necessary for him to make trips all o ver t e country . E

e he met e e e he e e ea e e e an d rout , mor p opl than v r dr m d xist d , he began to have trouble remembering faces .

e e he e a o n o Aft r about a y ar, bump d into man Br adway

“ ”

ee e e . o e e who s m d v ry familiar I kn ow you from s m plac , “ L m m in th l s . et e see . es et ou e aid Brown Oh , y , I y Roya ” Pahn s at Miami Beach .

The he e e een in am e man said no , had n v r b Mi i B ach “ ” “

Of e e e e e . cours , of cours , said Brown . Now r m mb r ”! I You o m th e sat next t e at e B lmont Ra ce Track . “N h ” o e e o t e e . , I n v r g to rac s ’ e me L m . et e see . ce n we Don t t ll Why, rtai ly, played gin rummy together all the way to Los Angeles last winter on the Super Chief “ h m ’ t e m an . uess ou? I m No , no , said Stop g g, will y

e o e . e your broth r J Com home .

( 35 ) LAUGHING STOCK

A SCOTSMAN leaned against a mid- town bar holding his stom “ ” n e ? ach and moani g pit ously . Sick asked a sympathetic

e hi stranger who stood n xt to m. “ ” ’ e k he m e t . a I ve V rra, v rra sic , said Scotsman I afraid ” go t y o ors . “ ’ ‘ ’ ” o ors P th What s y asked e stranger . Th e Scotsman brighten e d immediately . Make it a scotch ” d he 1 an . soda, sa d

’ OLD J OE SLOCUM didn t know anybody was watching him ’ ﬁsh he e ' v01ce o e e until h ard a man s v r his should r asking, “ ” a h an thm ? C tc y g, bub ’

a o e . Catch s id J Forty brook trout, that s

‘ ’ x h e am con tin ued t e 1 e . I gu ss you don t know who I , vo c “ ’ ’ I m the ﬁshin e r e e e e g ward n a ound h r , and you r br aking ” exactly six laws . ’ o w e e n J e as equal to the mergency . I gu ss you don t k ow “ w o m e i h m he e h a e e . a t e I th r, said I bigg st durn liar in ight

A HARRASSED GUIDE had been trying to ﬁn d something on the whole continent of Europe with which he could really im

e e 1n to leran t e e he pr ss a braz n, Am rican tourist . In d spair — playe d his last card the magn iﬁcen t view of the Alps from “ ’ the e e the e f Lausann in Switz rland . Isn t it most b auti ul View ’ ” e e e ee ? h e the e you v v r s n azard d guid . “ ’ h t e e . e Oh, I don t know said Am rican Tak away your ” e an d w ? lak s and y our mountains, haddaya got

( 36 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

AN B A G e red e INE RI TED ENT with a v ry , v ry bulbous probos

e an d e e e . e cis, stumbl d into a bar ord r d a doubl martini Th n he very carefully opened his coat an d poured the drink in to “ m ” h e e e . e e e e e his l ft v st pock t Giv anoth r doubl martini,

s he e e e . ordered . Thi drink too pour d into his v st pock t

e he e e e e e e the Wh n r p at d this proc dur for a thirdtim , puz “ ’ zled e e e e He the e i bart nd r d mand d, y , what s id a of tak ng my

perfectly good martinis and p our1n g them into your p ocket? “ The o e e ﬁst the cust m r bang d his on bar and said, Look

e e e . e e e h r , f lla I pay my p rf ctly good mon y for those martinis and I want you to distinctly understand that what I do with ” e e b - th m is non of your lankety blank business . At this point, a little mouse popped his head out o f the ’ “ e - e e ue e e custom r s right hand v st pock t and sq ak d , That go s for your cat too . ( 37 ) LAUGHING STOCK

the e the e did e e WHEN, said publish r to po t, th y Op n up that sidewalk cafe I saw you in last night? “ ’ ” s e e the e That wa n t a sid walk caf , said po t sadly . That ” f e was my urnitur .

THE B OSS returned in a very good humor from lunch an d called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had

e u e o n e th e e u pick d p . Ev rybody but girl in e corn r laugh d p “ ’ ” ro ariousl the e ? e the o . y . What s matt r grumbl d b ss “ ’ ” Haven t you got a sense of humor? “ ’ ” “ ’ t h I m e e o t e . I don t hav laugh, said girl l aving Friday ” anyhow .

a » 96 c c

’ BARNEY GALLANT S night club once had a lady dancer who climaxed her act by leanin g o ver b ackward an d picking up

) her handkerchief with her teeth; For an encore she lean ed

h r e o ver backward again and picked up e t eth .

Two TACITURN Maine farmers met each other every morning

’ for twenty years in the village post- oﬁice without exchan g

d e r e e a e . On e e ing singl word ay , Farm r Billings tu n d l ft wh n “ h e i e s e e e a e e x t d in t ad of right . Wh r y ask d his “ ’ n ” s a e e . e 0 er e a e t rtl d n ighbor Non y durn busi ss , sn pp d Bill “ ’ ’ ings . And I wouldn t tell y er that much if y er warn t an l ” o d friend .

» a 96 c a

SOMEBODY ONCE GAVE Henny Youngman a free ticket for an

- Army Notre Dame game at the Yankee Stadium . Young

( 38 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

the e e e man says ush r climb d with him to a c rtain point, but ’ t e e e e the e of h n pull d back, saying, You ll hav to mak r st " ”

h a e ee . t e e e . e et sc nt alon Any high r than this , I g nos bl d

ﬁn all e e e e e e he e Youngman y r ach d his s at . Som tim lat r nudg d “ ’ ”

the it he e . e . e e ? man n xt to him Gr at gam , isn t hazard d “ ” “ ’ Whadd a h I m ﬂ in the e e? t e e . y m an, gam was answ r y g

to mail Pittsburgh .

’ WHAT S THE IDEA of stopping in the middle of Central ” ? he th Park came an indignant voice from t back of e cab . “ ’ ‘ ’ ” Didn t I hear the young lady holler Stop P said the taxi

e driv r . “ ’ Get n i h h o t t e e . S e to with , said voic wasn t talking ? 7 you .

THE TRAFFIC MANAGER appeared in his ofﬁce with seven or “ e e e e s e as e ight pi c s of plast r pa t d on his countenance . I w g t ” “ e he e e e the ting a shav today, xplain d , and a f llow from

a e l ﬁn a e e . b rb r school took his xamination on my fac Boy, ” did he ﬂun k!

A FATHER of a n ew-born infant and his b est friend staged a

e e e e e e c l bration that cov r d at l ast twelve saloons . Finally th y s e e to the h tagg r d up hospital to inspect t e n ew arrival . “ ’ ” “ e e o Sh all right, his fri nd assur d him . I nly weighed ” ee e thr pounds mys lf when I was born . “ ” “ ” e h ? e t e e . Thash t rribl , said fath r Did you live “ certaml ht s the e . ou a ee me I y did, aid fri nd You g sh ”

n ow.

( 39 ) LAUG HING STOCK

THE MAN who boarded a taxicab at Grand Central Station was so obviously a hayseed that the unscrupulous driver saw “ ”

e for . o th e e e a chanc a bonanza I want to g to Biltmor Hot l ,

he The e t e . e said far Biltmor , of cours , is a short half block

e the e e e e from Grand C ntral Station, but driv r l ct d to follow a course that took him all the way up Riverside Drive to

e i Mo sholu the Spuyt n Duyv l , across to Parkway in Bronx,

h i e h At and back to t e B ltmor Hotel by way of t e Bowery .

he en d f th h e Th t o e e t e e e e . e rid , m t r r ad xactly 5 hay ’ “ ’ ee e ﬂushe a me s d s fac d with anger . You can t pl y for a “ h ee e e it e e e . suck r, goldarn , y ll d angrily I b n driv n to this

e e e e e the s hot l onc b for from Grand C ntral Station, and la t time the fare was on ly $ 1

' ” LENNIE THE LiJ G found it diﬂicult to laugh away the body

ee e ee e e of his sw th art that had b n found in his ﬂat, and v n ’ the gang s slick lawyer felt that the jig was up . In a last minute attempt to evade the electric chair he managed to “ ’ t - i an d e e e e 00 contact a shif y look ng juror whisp r d , Th r s 5 bucks in this for you if you get them to bring in a verdict of ” e h murd r in t e second degree .

The ﬁn all ﬁled n the jury was out all night and y i to box, and the foreman gave his verdict : Murder in the second de

e h 1 h gr e . Lennie t e Lug was sentenced to 33 years in t e brig

The e with a possible ﬁve off for good behavior . lawy r paid “ ” ' off in e ? e e a n arby saloon . What took you so long h d man d d e .

“ ’ h The e e e t e . Don t think it was asy sailing, prot st d juror

(40 )

LAUGHING STOCK

he e be e i e e t nuns seem d to having a v ry good t m . I hop my ’ e ee e daught r hasn t b n giving you too much troubl , said the relieved parent “ h h On t e e t e e e . contrary, chuckl d Moth r Sup rior Your ” he n ti n r little girl seems to have t 0 o that we a e penguin s . 96

A FAMOUS efﬁ cien cy expert died and was accorded a mag

iﬁc n e The e e e e the et n e t fun ral . pallb ar rs w r carrying cask down the steps of the church when suddenly the lid popped “ ’ e the e e e e If op n and d c as d sat upright to xplain , you d put

ff men t e ee o . his cask t on wh ls, you could lay four 96

LO S B e e e e UI ROMFIELD, c l brat d Ohio farm r, was boasting of “ ’ the e e Ir a G eor rich soil of his nativ stat . hasn t got patch on ” “

ll e . e so gia soil , Nunna y Johnson assur d him G orgia soil is

e we the en s e e rich that wh n throw corn to chick , th y hav to ” th ff he s catch it on e ﬂy or eat it o t talk .

SID PERELMAN created a heroine Whose ﬁrst name was Avid

' and who had a passion for keepin g Pullman- car porters at a

e The e e on e r spectful distance . train was n aring its d stination “ e e o e e e off tim wh n a p rt r app ar d and said, May I brush you , madam? ” “ i he e e . e e t You may not, r pli d Avid ic ly I will d sc nd in ” e usual mann r .

A MAN from Miami and a man from Los Angeles were busy

e n e e e o n e n a e t lli g li s to ach oth r morni g at a C lifornia mark t. The man from Miami pointed to a large watermelon and

(4 2 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

’ f e e e - e e i ? said, Is that Cali ornia s id a of a d c nt siz d grap fru t The Californian squinted his eyes at the watermelon and “ ’ e e we e e see e s be said, Out h r can t v n fruit that siz . It mu t a i ra sin .

i) »

e e e e the e e A LADY nt r d a butch r shop and said to cl rk, Giv ” me two i pounds of k dleys . “ e h e e e e t e e . I tak it that you m an kidn ys , corr ct d butch r “ ” The e kidle s e I? lady snapp d back, I said y , diddl

’ OB h ER CALLED o ver t e fence to Haas . Didn t you always tell ’ ” me that your boxer s bark was worse than his bite? “ ”

s . I did , said Haa

e e let a e e i He B tt r not him b rk th n, said Ob r gr mly . ” just bit me .

96 ct

A TIMID little lady appro ached the trainmaster at Wappinger “ e e the th Junction and said, What tim do s train for e north ” go by ? “ : 0 the t 3 3 , said rainmaster .

few e e she e e th A minut s lat r ask d, What time do s e train for the south go by ? “ : 1 the r 4 said t ainmaster .

A e she e e e t third tim approach d and d mand d, Wha time does the train for the east pass here ? “ 8 he e e . Tonight at , answ r d

e e she An d a h Onc mor approached him . wh t time does t e ” train for the west go by ? “ ’ There won t be another train for the west un til tomor

(4 3) LAUGHING STOCK

e e the r e e row v ning, said t ainmast r w arily . Th ’ f “ h e e e e . e e s e old lady s ac bright n d Com along, Willi , “ ’ e the e the e to the cri d to littl boy on platform . It s saf cross ” tracks now .

MR.COLLINS took his wife and eight- year- old son out for

- n e He e a spin in his brand ew Buick convertibl . had an id a

en thusmsm he e ee the ee he that in his would xc d sp d limit, so “ e the e e post d his son in rumbl s at and told him, Sonny, if you see a man in a blue uniform on a motorcycle coming up ”

e e e . from b hind, b sur to warn Daddy

ff e h er O e t an d t e e e Mr. e th y w n , d light d Collins drov fast “ ” f The e e e e e e e e and aster . sp edom t r had just r gist r d s v nty

e - - h wh n the eight year old tapped his father on t e shoulder . “ ” he e e t e t e e e e e Daddy, r port d, tha g n l man you w r xp cting ” has arr1ved.

f r r e e th im IT REMAINED o M . Ray Fr iman to discov r e most portant difference b etween a newspaper an d a radio : You ’ can t wrap a herrmg in a radio

e who e Mr. Fr iman also tells about a woman w nt to a “ e e The e e o u butch r shop to buy a chick n . butch r ask d , Do y ? ” “ ’ ” e The e e I it . wanna pull t woman answ r d, No , ll carry

THE DAY Gottfried got in his ﬁrst shipment of H ershey bars 1n six months he was so delighted that he went on a wild ’ ’ He e 1 1 spree . wasn t us d to hard liquor and about o clock h e e e h l e ee e e e . e f lt v ry, v ry sl py In fact, was sti l v ry sl py

h h n e e when e woke up t e next morni g . His broth r yed him

(44 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

e h e e e e the e o n i . coldly wh n nt r d shop, rath r shaky his p ns “ ’ ” “ t be me e . Don t look at that way, said Gottfri d Jus

e am e th ﬁrst im e in ﬁve e caus I an hour lat for e t y ars, you ’ ” e et e don t hav to g sor . “ ’ ’ An ur e I m n ho lat isn t what worryi g about, said his “ ” t e e e e e ou e e e ? bro h r . But wh r w r y Tu sday and W dn sday

THE PHILANTHROPIST had presented the in sane asylum with a beautiful n ew swun mmg pool “ ” An d how do the inmates like it? he asked the warden . ’ ” ’ We ee e e it the e . Th y r crazy about , was answ r can t k p ’ ’

em e e e e e we ut e l 1t . out . Th y ll lik it ev n b ett r wh n p wat r n

Two MEN trudge d down Seventh Avenue 111 the noonday sun . “ You heard about that fellow Billings in Cincinnati?

e e n the e he qu ri d o e . In diamond busin ss last year made ” e e s v nty thousand dollars . “ few n the You got a thi gs wrong with that story, said “ e I h ﬁrst e e . n t e e Oth r calmly plac , his nam was Burl y, not

i n h . t e e e e . B lli gs In s cond plac , it was Tol do , not Cincinnati ’ ’ the t e he i he s tu e In hird plac , ain t n diamonds ; in cos m ’

e e . the e he e e e j w lry And in fourth plac , didn t mak s v nty

n H i thousa d dollars . e lost t .

S S SS e h B e Mr. e t t e WHAT THI U INE n ds, Jon s old applicant “ is e e — e the for a job , a chi f worri r som body to do worrying

s e m Th e . e ee e in t ad of job pays thr hundr d bucks a week . LAUGHING STOCK

e the m h ee . e t e Sur I do , said applicant Who pays thr ” hundred ? “

Mr. e ﬁrst That, said Jon s, is your worry .

FARMER DEWITT had b een on a tear in the big city and was suffering from a terriﬁc hangover when he stumbled out at

he h ﬁve in t mornin g to milk t e cow . “ ” h r es o e e t e . e You l ok t rribl , said cow bluntly Thos ci cl under your eyes reach down to your knees . “ ” “ the e I know, said farm r sadly . And milking you is only ’ the e i be lavm r b g nning of my troubles . I ll s g on this durn fa m ” e e till s v n this evening . “ ” “ ’

h I . e e e t e . e W ll , volunte r d cow ll h lp all I can You just ’ hold tight and I ll jump up and down . 96

A CERTAIN trafﬁc cop on Central Avenue was the bane of

ki n ss n d. e existence for Messrs . Lapidus and Su Ev ry morni g he would stop their cars and bawl them out unmercifully for

e e the two some minor or imaginary violation . Ev ry lunchtim friends would work themselves into a ﬁn e state of indigna tion over his behavior .

On e e e ﬁn all off day Lapidus announc d, W ll , I y told that

- low life cop on Central Avenue this morning . “ ’ ! he 1 Susskin d was deeply impressed . You didn t sa d won

erin l d g y . “ a e Yah , said Lapidus . I got so mad I h rdly kn w what ‘ ? ’ im are h . I was saying . Who do you think you I told A ’ czar? A big boss ? You seem to forget you ain t nothing but a servant of the people.You are put at this spot to prevent THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

— accidents an d direct traﬁic not insult taxpayers and peace~ ’ loving citizens who are going about their own business . “ ” e ! e l! e e Susskin d e e e Wond rful Wond rfu br ath d r v r ntly , ” What did the cop say?

Lapidus sighed : He gave me a ticket . 96

THE HOUSE-GUEST noticed that Johnny eyed his as paragus “ ’ ” h e ? n e e eat it . t e t longi gly, but mad no mov to What s ma t r “ ’ ” e h e e ? ask d t e gu st . Don t you lik asparagus “ ” “ e it e e to for I lov , Johnny assur d him , but I hav wait ” Papa to eat 05 the green tips!

B S SS S the t e e U INE ETHIC , s ation r told his son, is som thing ’ ma e e . n you couldn t do without . Tak today for instanc A comes in and pays me a hundred - dollar bill to clear up his H h ﬁn d two tu e e . e . e e e e account Aft r l av s , I bills s ck tog th r

m e e e e e on e . e has paid two hundr d inst ad of H r , my son, com s

h e e in t e question of busin ess ethics . Should I t ll my partn r or shouldn’ t I? ”

IN THE BASEMENT of the most squalid tenement on the most squalid street of East Boston a little tailor slaved ﬁfteen hours

- he e e e e e e t . At of v ry tw n y four that, bar ly mad both nds f e He e e e e . o e m et . allowed hims lf a singl indulg nc Out ach ’ e - t th w ek s meagre income he put aside twenty ﬁve cents . A e

en d the e he the e an d e of y ar, took accumulat d savings bl w

e k th m in on lottery tic ets for the Irish Sweepstakes . For fourteen long years he never heard another wo rd in

e the e he e o n e r gard to tick ts had bought r gularly, but night

(4 7 ) LAUGHING STOCK

there came a loud knocking on his . do or and two splen difer

e le e e s e e ous g nt m n strod into his shop , lapp d him h artily on the he the e 2 0 back, and told him had won grand priz of $ 5 ,

The ee s e 000 . tailor jumped to his f t with a hoar cry of tri

He e e he ke th e umph . lock d up his shop and thr w t y into

e e He e e ﬁt Charl s Riv r . bought hims lf a wardrob for a king,

e e 1 e e ee the was r nt d a su t of ight n rooms at Ritz, and soon supp ortmg half the chorus girls and models in town . Night

e he e e aft r night carous d until dawn, throwing his mon y

At h en d e he around like a drunken sailor . t e of a y ar had

e e the e e 5 2 e e he squand r d ntir 15 Furth rmor , had

e e e . e e e e ex wr ck d his h alth Disillusion d, ridd n with f v r and h austed he e e e e an d e e , r op n d his littl tailor shop r sum d his old

the e - ﬁve e ee ways , saving only tw nty c nts a w k which , from

e e n ew e for the ee forc of habit, w nt into tick ts Irish Sw p stakes

Two years later there came another knock on his door .

h ma n i n h T e same two g ﬁce t gentlemen came into t e room . “ T the am azm i 1n the histor o f the ee his is most g th ng y \ Sw p ” “ ’

e e on e . e e e ﬁrst e stak s , exclaim d You v land d anoth r priz , k ” you luc y do g .

The e e e tailor stagg r d to his fe t with a groan of dismay . ” “ ” he e o ? My God, said , Do I hav to g through all that again

LEWIS YOUNG was accepting congratulations on the birth of “ ’ ”

e . l 1 er u he e e . a baby daught r It s a wond f baby, d clar d h ” t e doctor said . ’ On e e e a littl e fri nd look d e surprised . Isn t that rath r tall ” f ? he for an in ant asked . (4 8 )

LAUGHING STOCK

e ee ﬁve e e A LITTLE BOY and girl , both b tw n and six, w r busy

n th t e playing house o e afternoon . Suddenly e little girl ugg d ’ “ ’ m e e e her e . a e at moth r s skirts I afraid w ll hav to l av now, “ ”

h e M wet . s e said grav ly . y husband just his pants

A BRITISH J UDGE wriggled impatiently on the bench while

e - e e e e a lanky, vultur b ak d barrist r summ d up for fully an

the e e e e to hour and a half . Finally judg dispatch d a littl not

he e : t garrulous legal light . It r ad — m e e . Patience Competition . Gold m dal — Honorable mention Job .

The lawyer wound up his plea in a hurry .

A PAINTER was wielding his brush on the ceiling of a high

‘ “ him Have ﬁrm . e room His pal call d out to , you got a grip on that brush? ” ’ The fe the e e e e llow working on c iling answ r d, You r darn right I have ’ h e His e the . e I e t e mat on ﬂoor said, Okay Th n ll tak ladd r ” away fo r a little while .

AFTER TWELVE DAYS of un ceasmg rain it became obvious that

An the t urbulent Missouri was about to o verﬂow its banks . ex en en ced f e e e e e e the e p arm r whos hom st ad bord r d riv r, packed his twelve-year- old son up and sent him to his uncle m the e e askm he be e e the n xt stat , g that tak n car of until

fe e he e ei e situation righted itself . A w days lat r t farmer r c v d “ e e e e Am e u im a coll ct t l gram that r ad, r turning yo r son ” e e e h t e ﬂo o . m diat ly . S nd along d

(5 0) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

THE WIFE o f a man whose business took him out of town very frequently plann ed her home life to coincide very h b e . On e e e e s e e neatly with his itin rary v ning, wh n fondly lieved be she o o him to in Chicago , was happily pr viding f od

e the e and entertainment for his best friend . Sudd nly phon

he e e e e e to her co n rang . S answ r d and mutt r d hoars ly mpa ion, “ c to The saints preserve us . My husband has come ba k ” H r e e n . e e tow companion, a cautious f llow, mad a div for

e the e h his hat and ov rcoat, but wif hung up with a appy “ ’ ” h e e . e s e smil and told him not to both r It s quit all right, “ ’ he t b e said . My husband just explained that won e hom until very late tonight b ecause h e is out playing gin rummy with you .

THE AG S e e e ill e the o VILL E KINFLINT, d sp rat ly , startl d l cal “ ’ ee n e me et e s I e pastor by wh zi g, H lp g w ll , Pa tor, and ll giv ” the n e - H r w church fund twenty ﬁve thousand dollars . e e

e e e e e e e the o n e o c cov r d, but r fus d to r c iv pastor num rous

The r ﬁn ll h casions . chu chman a y cornered him in t e post “ o fﬁce stem l e e e the , y r mind d him , You promis d church fund

e t —ﬁve e tw n y thousand dollars if you recov red yo ur health . “ ” ’ ? the skin ﬂin t e I did said in astonishm nt . That ll give ” you a rough idea of how sick I was !

’ ” Ho w s THE FOOD at that hotel I sent you to? Martin as ked

e e the his moth r ov r phone . “ There was a man here yesterday who simply raved over i h “ t s e e e . h , r port d This morning t e attendants came and ” him to the a took back sylum .

( 5 1 ) LAUG HrNG STOCK

A MAN gave his son a ' so un d box on the ears ln the day coach

New e r o n e e of a Hav n t ain morning, and an outrag d lady

e e her e who sat b hind him point d umbr lla at him and said, “ ’ If o u am n e y don t stop abusing that boy, I goi g to mak ” trouble for you .

h he e e r e . T man gav a hollow, mi thl ss laugh Lady, said,

h Th e my wife just ran away with t e iceman . e bank for

e e W are the n e . clos d my mortgage y sterday . on wrong trai

My son has just told me that he swallowed the tickets . And ’ ” y ou re going to make trouble for me!

i RAOUL WALLING had always talked a terr ﬁc game of golf . On e day a few of his friends decided to put him to the acid

e test and invited him to play ov r a strange course with them . Raoul arrived in a beautiful costume with tassels on his stock

he ﬁr h ings and nineteen clubs in his bag . On t st tee e took a careful stance and then proceeded to fan the air four times

f he ff h in u e . e t e e s cc ssion A t r fourth whi mopp d his brow. and “ he e e e t e e e e . mutt r d , This is hard st cours I v r play d

A NA’I‘ IVE of Brooklyn was spending his ﬁrst day on a dude

He he lun h ranch in Nevada . came back to t b k ouse with a

e e handful of rattl s from an normous rattlesnake . A ranch “ e e e he e e hand turn d pal wh n saw th m and said, Holy smok , ’ ” where d you get hold of those things ? ’ ’ The Brooklynite couldn t understand the other s agitation; “ he e e e ff e the e woirn e e xplain d, I took th m o n bigg st I v r ” seen!

( 5 2 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

A DUTCH Treat Club quartette broke into an impromptu “ ” e rst rendition of When Irish Eyes Are Smiling . A gu st bu “ ’ ”

e . e e o . into t ars I didn t know you w r Irish , said his h st “ ’m “ ’ ” I the I m . e . not, said gu st a musician

e e ﬂat e e o . MR . GOLDFARB nter d his in a t rribl conditi n His

n e e clothi g was torn , his nos was bloody, and a coupl of front “ ” e s e e e ? e teeth w re mi sing complet ly . What happ n d cri d

Mrs . Goldfarb in alarm . “ ’

e e Mr. . It s that no good Irish janitor, xplain d Goldfarb He tried to tell me that he had made love to every woman ” in this entire buildin g except on e . ’ e e Hm f I Mrs . e to . Goldfarb paus d a mom nt consid r p , ll ’ ” - f e e the ﬁ th ﬂo or. bet that s that stuck up Mrs . St inb rg on

PAPA RABBIT noticed with some interest that his young son “ es was looking uncommonly contented with life . What mak ” Junior so happy? h e asked Mama Rabbit when they were

e alon . “ H He e e e she e e . e had a gr at day in school , xplain d l arn d ” to multiply .

96 a

A PATRON on the beach at Coney Island left his wife alone for f h ew e . e e e he ex a minut s Wh n cam back , saw a crowd of ’ “ ’ h cited people gathered at the water s edge . What s t e mat ” ter? he e e e e out f th ask d a cop . Th y just pull d som dame o e ” e the e The e e wat r, was r ply . man inv stigat d and found that “ ” the e ue are her? r sc d party was his wife . What you doing to ’ ” he h e . e e her rtiﬁcial e t e cri d W r giving a r spiration , was

( 5 3) ‘ .a A rtiﬁcial e e e . e h m t e an . h nsw r , h ll scr am d Give er the

THREE MIGHTY - business tycoons Were lun chin g together at

the e e e 1n N h xclusiv Colony R staurant ew York . When t e

m . a t e e o .in come tax b e so areal l this, boys I in h 5 % rack t, ly on y ” a f the e l > h l of ch ck wil come o ut of my p o cket .

. 2 e am Tycoon No snatch d it out of his hands , saying, I

in the 0 e 0 e a 7 % brack t, so only 3 70 will com out of my

he e . e e t It was tycoon No 3, how v r, who won argum nt “ * the o a the e — * e W i a min and right t p y ch ck by obs rving, a t — t » ﬁrm i i the u e . s e , boys My op rating on a cost plus bas s with ” ve e h e e t e . Go rnm nt, so I will r ally mak four bucks on lunch

z T NI LO 1 r x l h r f h h MRs . S A S WSKY was 8 y ea s old l e li e s e ad — lived in a little Polish farmhouse three or four mil es from

the 1 e On e her her wavm Russ an bord r . day son came to g a “ ” ; l ti s of . zves a the Mo sc e e he e ow . copy , n wspap r Mama , cri d, “ ’ they ve just s1gn ed a n ew treaty and the land we live on s e . We are n o t e e now b long to Russia Pol s any mor , Mama, ? 7

Old » Stan islo sk Mrs . w y nodded her h ead approvingly . ” T the for she in ﬁn ite i hank good Lord that, said with sat s “ ’ f a . ction . I don t think I could have stood another on e of ” o e th s cold Polish winters .

AFTER PA HAWKINS had been a g uest o f the Chambersburg

( 54 ) t el for hir . ear an e eco me Palace Ho t ty y s, int rior , d rator ca

n e e t to do through town o day and persuaded the m an agem n ,

e du o e the e e e com the whole place o v r . In e c urs alt rations w r

ese e e n ew t n s “ u e are e e n t e e Th h r rappi g s r l ga , conc d d “ Hawkin s a few weeks later; but I must admit I miss that old h ” spittoon in t e corner . “ ”

m e n e out . You always did . A roo cl rk poi t d

13 » 964 4!

Her f e . an e e n ew o n e . d op n d a show night in Boston ri n d ,

t e as New o the e an d; Compa riot, No l Coward, w in Y rk at tim

as e ff a e he e the e d h d o a congratulatory wire . As jok sign d wir “ ” L The e e o e Mayor Fiorello a Guardia . t l graph p rator said; “ ’ e uardi r i ! W can t allow you. to impersonate Mayor La G a n ” a wire over our system . “ ” ‘ All en s the w s n oe right, th , aid play right , ig it N l , ’ Coward . “ ’ use e e e the e who “ You can t that nam , ith r, said cl rk, probably came from Brooklyn . “ ” am e a the e an d But I No l Cow rd , said playwright t stily,

e i produc d an in den tiﬁcatio n card to prove t . “ ” In e the e e e ou n it y that cas , said t l graph cl rk , y can sig ‘ ’ Ma yor La Guardia .

AN i ee e e AMERICAN J OCKEY was rid ng in a St pl chas in Italy . His horse failed to negotiate the water j ump a n d fell rightf o n “ ’ h . Get o fI m e e The h n e e t . o rse top of him , pant d jock y “ ’ e ” Di , . s . l u t et o e n ft c ha ear me e o o ; ﬁ n m . ignor d him . h t l y g

(55 LAUG HING STOCK

The e ee persis ted the Jockey . hors sn red at him and muttered ” No spika da English .

THE S H H e e WIL ON OUSE OLD in Mapl wood consist d of Papa,

e e I O e 8 an e e ter Mama, a daught r ag d , a son ag d , and Air dal

l n e e e e assmn ate . O ri r nam d Paddy, whom both kids ador d p y day during school hours Paddy was run over by a truck and

l e th e e e e . . e e e kill d Mrs Wi son dr ad d t lling childr n, but d cid d

e e e there was no use b eatin g around the bush . Wh n th y cam home from school that afternoon she called them into the “ ’ ’ st e I m f I ve e udy and said , Childr n, a raid got bad n ws for l as e . y ou . Paddy w ki l d this morning

her sur r1se e e the i e e e e . To p , n ith r of ch ldr n batt d an y lash

e t e she e e e Th y no d that had nothing furth r to say, ros qui tly,

h fe e e she e b and left t e room . A w minut s lat r h ard oth of them laughing merrily and gave a silent prayer of than ks

h n l e h t e e e . e e s e that task had prov d , so asy Sudd y, how v r, heard a terriﬁc wailing and the two kids burst into the room . ” the e ed Our poor Paddy, our poor Paddy, littl boy sobb l wi dly . “ But I told you about it as soon as you came home from ” “ Mr l e s . . e e school , said Wi son I said that Paddy had b n kill d ’ ” and you didn t seem to mind it at all .

Th b e r ri fstriken e e o he e . W y look d at , g thought you said ” he le Daddy, wai d .

Two MEN- ABOUT- TOWN were recalling the most embarrass “ ’ in f I d e g moments o their lives . say my most mbarrassing ” “ mo e e o n e the e e e e e m nt, mus d , was tim I nt r d a cr matory by

( 5 6 )

LAUGHING STOCK "

e e d the ’ e The bashing his for h a with rack t . chimp watched h without mo vmg . Finally t e exhausted psychiatrist put the

a et e e ch the ef the r ck and ball within asy r a of chimp , l t court,

' th hi t hi h an d closed e do or be n d m . Then b e kneeled on t e ground and peered through the ’ keyhole to Watch develop

e he sa h e ? m nts . What do you think w through t e k yhole A beady little brown ey e !

’ B F on e : rec1tals JUST E ORE of Mischa Elman s violin , a man

s d n ; r e e eff e bur t into his ressi g room and g e t d him us iv ly . ’ ” “ ’ e h e e e e Mn . e . e s W r r lat d, Elman, announc d Your wif ’ ’ aunt is married = to the uncle of my eX - wife s ﬁrst husband s

e f l pres nt wi e Mr. E man puzzled o ver this for a mom ent ” t ' an d then smiledzwith e he decided so clos , ,

“ ‘ that I have to give you a free ticket to the ning .

’ ” AN FER WHOT is that loafer Duffy in the hospital again? “ ’ ’ e e the e I h . t s d e I m d mand d for man runk was again , ’ “ ” ’ ’ thin kin e e Duﬁ s e the Positiv ly not, sir, cam y fri nd to

’ ‘ ’ e r scue . It s a slight miscalculation Duffy must ve b een ’ He c e makin . om s down the ladder Just as careful as y ou please about ﬁve minutes after some scurvy blackguard to ok ” the e damn ladd r away .

f . o e . e e e e WALLIS , said Mrs H w irmly Willi is now l v n years old and it is high tirn e that you told him about the bees ” th r and e ﬂowe s . ” ’ Aw ee e o son a n d g , said How , I can t g through that g ” dance .

( 5 8 ) ' ’ ° — z i i : we “o r i Lord Yowll h e to in s sted . IIo av , Mrs knows ’ What trouble he ll be g ettin g fhimself ’ int o.

' ‘ - The reluctant fath er closet ed himselfcwith his . bright eyeti “ ” “ t n e he e uire . you g son . Willi , said slowly, I gu ss yo old ’ ’ ' h babi zc ome e ? e o t e t o kn . ow es n ugh by this im ow , ar n t you

u f abo t that or y ears . “ ” ‘ * f o w t relie f. e h e e s he Mr. e Thank av n , ig d H w i h W ll ,

F ' ‘ Wi lie : it e the s ame with zth efbe es ran d , is xactly

— THREE TORTOISES were gathered in a n En glish . pub a mature torto ise of about 2 00 y earsg a middle- aged tortoise of about w an d an n e who b e t urn ed . infa t tortois , had ar ly 45 “ ” “

u the o l t e . d e l e hat fat Sh cks said dest ortois su d n y . I l ft my that last pub we visited “ ’

I ll et ee e o . g it for you , volunt r d J uni r

Th e t T e two older tortoises resum d heir conversation . wo weeks later they had scarcely shifted their rp osition s at t he “ I . e e z er e Sa , er W e pub bar Tortois S nior sudd nly said , y , wond h ”

e . be h e e that baby tortois is I t e n v r got my hat . “ ’ ” e e a e h i e s on . You can t d p nd on that child, gr d compani “ He e n l be c rtai y ought to back by this time .

us e the e ' h z J t th n voic of the baby tortoise cam e. from t e n ext “ ” “ ’ e he ust ’ for that Im zn ot room I h ard you , said angrily, j goin g .

96 « dr

A S OUTHERN PACIFIC express train . sped za lon g t he e dge of on e the e e Th of bigg st cattl ranches in Texas . e passenger gazed in tently at the zright n f LAUGHING STOCK

the e h l way . When boundary lin of t e ranch was ﬁn a ly

e e he e the e the e h r ach d, turn d to man who occupi d s at wit “ e e t e e him and said Quit a h rd of cat l on that ranch . I count d

1 1 2 2 e . , 4 h ad

h t e h1m 1n T e man next o him gaz d at astonishment . That ” “ e be th e e the he e . e b ats Dutch, announc d I happ n to own r o f that ranch and I know for a certainty that I own exactly

1 1 2 2 e e . e e , 4 h ad of cattl How on arth did you manag to count ” them from a train that was going sixty miles an hour? “ ’ ” e e the e the Oh , it s asy nough , if you know syst m, said i ” e e . mathematician . I just count th ir legs and d vid by four

96 4:

MAMIE WAS POLISHING her nails behind the notions counter

e red-f e e e e e e wh n a ac d man in a loud ch ck d suit swagg r d ov r,

s e her th e de almo t knock d down with a slap on back , and “ ” d i e n ? man de H 00 . e o , , t ts Wh r ca a guy g to wash his mitts “ ’ e e Mamie drew herself up haughtily . Th r s a door down “ ‘ ’ the en d e she e G e e e of this aisl , said , mark d ntl m n , but ’ ”

G o in . don t mind that . right 96

A CUSTOMER who wore a tight- ﬁttin g coat with a ratty-look mg fur collar stamped into a Village A P and told the “ e e e e e e startl d cl rk , I would lik to buy your ntir stock of ggs, ” - e e e . tomato s , and ov r rip fruit “ ” Gee willikin s the e be see , said cl rk, you must going to ” i easar the e e that old ham play J ul us C at Op ra Hous tonight . “ ” “ ”

I the e am the . , said custom r, old ham

AN AMERICAN SOLDIER was ridin g alongside a driver in the

( 6 0) THIS WA Y TO THE JOKES

He e front seat of a lorry in Southern England . notic d that the driver had a big bag of powder at his feet and that every few moments he scattered some of his powder to the winds “ ’ ” h e f h e e the behind him . What s t e id a o t e powd r? ask d

American . “ ’ e e e the e It s lion powd r, xplain d driv r ” ? h e su Lion powder repeated t e Am rican . What is it p ” posed to do ? “ h It ee the t e e . k ps lions away, said driv r

The e e e e few e Am rican pond r d ov r this for a mom nts , and “ ’ e He e e e e in th n said , y , I didn t know th r w r any lions ” Sussex . “ ’ ” e e e e e the e Th r ar n t, xplain d driv r and a bloody good ’

Th . thing too . e powder hain t no good

JAMIE HAMILTON reports from England that two young ’ — ladies were dining together at Lyon s the English equivalent “

. On e e e e ee of Childs of th m ask d, Is your boy fri nd a fr ” thin ker? ’ ’ Th e e e e e m e e ardl e e b oth r r pli d, Bl s , y v r thinks of any ” e thing hels .

AN ARDENT ADMIRER of the stories of Ernest Hemingway ’ was so inspired by that master s descriptlon of a lion hunt in “ Africa ( see The Short and Happy Life of Francis Macom ” ber he e e l ) that d cid d to stage a simi ar safari himself . His ” ’ e me e e de wif said Not without , and his wif s moth r also clared e e the h rs lf in on party . You have to have that background to understand the scene

( 6 1 ) M US HING STOCK

s e was s ; The m e e e ed fact that om thing mis ing so thing, it d v lop , — o an - u the was Mama . for ab ut ho r

i e h e . e wife avidly and t e husband p rfunctor ly Sudd nly th y. found her cowerin gi n a ‘ clearin g ‘ with an enormous lion roar “ in a t rher en e : u f r M God t e e o . g f t away, cro ch d a spring y , ” “ ” e e the e we ? H nry, shrill d wif , what will do “ “ h The t e . Nothing, said husband promptly lion got m i hi self into that ﬁx: Now let him get out of t .

A MAN rushed into a corner drugstore and demanded a quick

e for e 1 case ‘ o f The dru 1st cur a s r ous hiccoughs . gg promptly ’ ' picked up a bottle and cracked it over the man s head . Down “ ” he e ? he w nt with a groan . What did you do that for moaned . ’ The e u druggist smiled proudly . You hav n t got yo r hic ” ’ ? coughs any more, have y ou he gloated “I ’ f m ” h t or e e t e . ee e wasn t , gasp d man I n d d it for my h i ” e . S e s in h wif is tt g i n t e car outside .

A GROCER once told Bert Savoy that a bucketful of beans

1 e e . would cost him $ 0 . xclaim d Savoy “ “ ’ Yes h rml t e e ﬁ . e , sir, said groc r y Th m s high strung ” beans .

The e e e e e o sam groc r th n add d pl asantly, How ab ut a ” little rat poison today? “ ”

. e eat Nothing doing, said Savoy Thos rats will just what we do .

( 6 2 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

e ﬁr t th I THINK it was B rt Williams who s told e story o f . his

e e l hike along a hazardous mountain trail . Th r I was mo o ch ing along on a path only four inches wide with a solid cliff on

e - h the l ft an d a 6 ooo foot drop on t e right . Suddenly I turns

a n ee me . e to e rou d and s s a lion chasing I b gins run lik mad .

’ Then I comes to a turn in the path and what s in front of me ” but a great big tiger growlin g and lashing his tail . “ ” “ ? ” e e the t . H av ns , said s raight man What did you do ” “ “ Th e What could I do ? protested Mr. Williams . lion ” ate me .

(6 3) LAUGHING STOCK

ONE OF THE most famous sessions o f the French Chamber of Deputies involved a heate d debate on whether or not French

he ef e women were to be given t right to vote . A L tist d puty

“ ’ wound up an impassione d address by crying : It s a disgrace

the e e e that wond rful wom n of Franc , famous throughout the e e e e e t world for th ir chic , int llig nc and b au y, should not

e e men . e m e hav qual rights with Aft r all , this mod rn world , there is practically no difference b etween French men and ” French women . At this point a meek little deputy in back of the room “ jumped to his feet and cried : Vive la difference !

THREE STOUTISH LADIES were rocking gently o n e hot sum h “ mer afternoon on t e veranda of a modest hotel . You should ” “ M e ee the e e e the ﬁrst . hav s n j w lry I had last y ar, said y dia monds alone were worth Unfortunately we had

e e e e e e e to s ll th m all , sinc my Park Av nu doctor discov r d I ” have an allergy for j ewelry . “ ’ e e be e e the I assur you , ladi s , I wouldn t h r at all , said “ ’

e if e e . s cond, I too didn t hav an all rgy My husband and I

e n — e e a we te e t e , e it own d a acr stat N wport, but had to s ll ” e f f r wh n I ound I had an allergy o salt water .

At th e e e she this point third lady faint d dead away . Wh n

e th h e e h e e e e er . S e x cam to , oth rs ask d what had happ n d “ ” e f e e o r . plain d , I hav an all rgy hot air

A MARRIED LADY and h er boy friend were busily pursuing ’ ’ l amour when th e lady s husband unexpectedly broke into “ ” “ he t e . e e she e e e es apartm nt W ll , w ll , said disgust dly, h r com

( 6 4)

L AUGHING STOCK

THE HEADLINEh o n ors on a certain y audeville bill’ were s hared by a comely blues singer and a man who exhibited a wonder

The he h e . t t e e ful train d dog man, girl , and dog w re taking a

” “ s t e ee ows e the i t e roll b tw n sh wh n grl s opp d and said Shucks, ’

t o e e m e e . I ll have o g back . I hav forgott n y cigar tt s

“ ’ ” ‘ be e e ” at all the h That won t n c ssary , said man, W at ” kin d do you smoke? “ ” h e s a t e . Lucki s , id girl

‘ “ n ' s i The tu ﬁfteen en the do 5 a d a d, man s ck c ts into g , jaws

" ' ‘ ' c the o e an d t he a a ack f of Jo ko , run down to c rn r buy l dy p

’ ‘ ” e e with’ them in u e the i Lucki s . H ll be back a min t , man sa d

co n ﬁden tl e e e e y , but a quart r of an hour lat r th r was no sign

of the ee k e the e the dog . Thr bloc s away th y found caus of ’ ' do e He met a - d lad ' do an d n ature g s d lay . had very han some y g

as i w taking ts course .

“ ’ ‘

So won derfult rain e d the r . that s your dog, said gi l “ It i h fir e Th e man was mortified. s t e st time in my lif any ” “ ‘ h But I in t hing like this has happened, e said . must add ll f ’ a e the first e he s the e . airn ss , that this is tim had mon y

A HARDENED New Jerseyite visited a Verm ont farm for a

The ﬁrst h e e ee ho o t . o l e a . e w s v cation night was th r , thr bl w

in e H e o . e e e t his b droom window s iz d his pillow and, aft r

e e about . succeeded e the in consid rabl thrashing , in victing

r Th e h h trude s . e n xt morning t e innkeeper asked him if e had “ ” f x l t ll . m e s e we . e e e n p N v r had such a qui t ight in y lif , said “ he aNew e e h t e . t ee e t e o e , J rs yit I only saw hr mosquito s wh l i ’ n an d e e e . ght, th y wer baby on s ( 66 ) ' THERE L'IVES on e ' ham a c torgwh o i s still burn in g rat sa Chicago

’ " critic s notice of his p erform an ce a s Kin g Richard t he Third. “ So - - so e th kin as hezwere a eo e Mr. and play d e g if fraid som n else might play the ace

96 (Mt

’

AN G A W G e e n . o f INDI N NT DO A ER, m mb r of Bosto s vast array ’ e — e e e e s lf appoint d guardians of oth r p opl s morals , burst into “ ” “ he e i e c . e e a s e d s ustm a polic ourt Li ut n nt, snort d, som g g

~ - urchin s have chalke d a lot of ﬁlthy ' fo ur letter words on the ’ ’ m ' e e s ho use . e e e t f nc urrounding y And what s mor , th y hav n

‘ even sp elled the words right '

IT W h i h . As t e eve t . of March 5 Chico , said Groucho Marx “ h t e e e e . sadly, tim has com to discuss our tax s “ m ” e e e e e . Datsa wh r y fri nd Rav lli liv s , said Chico h “ e r uc . h e G a e . e . T e No , no , corr ct d o Not T xas Tax s ” l we h ave dol ars to pay the government .

“ ‘ “ w i d - e o; e . Datsa hat I sa d, , insist Chic Dallas, T xas

IA n ‘ re- e e e ff A CANNY POLITIC N campaig ing for l ction as sh ri ,

e r w nt from farm to. farm d umming up votes; In o n e back

he milkin r c He yard found a young girl g a ow. had just started h talking to er when the mother, stuck her head out of the ’ ’ e e e back door and call d , is that f ll r yo u re talkin to ? ”

e e the a Mary xplain d that Visitor was famous politician . ’ e this ho use comman ded; h You com right into f. t e mother .

“ ’ ’ e she ' e I . f that t feller sa s e s . Th n add d , y ; h a politician, yo u d ” e e the b tt r bring cow with you .

( 6 7 ) LAUGHING STOCK

ON G e e a e e ef THE MORNIN aft r th ir m rriag , a brid groom l t his wife long enough to go down to the hotel lobby fo r a morn

e h e h e e . e e e ing n wspap r Wh n cam back, was shock d to dis

- he her cover her nestled in the arms of a bell boy . S looked at “ ’ e e b et e husband coyly and r mark d , I you r going to think ’m ” I an awful ﬂirt .

A QUAKER LADY noticed a man lounging idly in front of the

h e m h e e t e . e al en s e e e hardwar stor across way S v r , obs rv d , H stopped to talk to him and give him a little money . e seemed so cheered by these encounters that she impulsively put $ 2 “ ” e e e e ee the e e in an nv lop , wrot Godsp d on outsid , and thr w

e The e th e her it ov r to him . n xt day e man rapp d loudly at “ ’ “ e he ee ee door . Her s your 355 said ch rily . Godsp d won at 2 8 to

CALLAGHAN was a very sick man indeed and his ( friends from h h t e lodge took turns Visiting him to keep up his spirits . T e ’ O Grad e he e e Calla night y cam , was warn d in advanc that g han was very low and he must be extremely careful to say ’ O Grad n e nothing discouraging . y was doi g b autifully and actually had Callaghan chuckling over a number of funny stories (by a strange coincidence several of them appear in h e e e e e . e e e e arli r pag s of this v ry volum ) Sudd nly, how v r, “ ’ ” e e hi e the e ? stopp d and b gan to shake s h ad . What s matt r

said Callaghan anxiously . ’ h e O Grad . t e I was just thinking, said y How in nam of the Holy Father are they going to get a cofﬁn down the ” crooked stairs in this house? ( 6 8 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

l ’ L Y e n e . s ITTLE JERR cam dow stairs b llowing lusti y What , ? ” the matter now said his mother . “ Papa was hanging pictures and just hit his thumb with a ”

e e . hamm r, said J rry “ ’

e e e . That s not so s rious , sooth d his moth r A big man ’ ’ like you shouldn t cry at a triﬂe like that . Why didn t you just laugh ? ” “ di d e e . I , sobb d J rry

THE M the e e the a e 2 2 0 CHAIR AN of dinn r, who tipp d sc l s at ,

The mopped his brow and sank into his chair . guest of honor “ “ hi h e e e s ee . e e e e e e jump d to f t G ntl m n, cri d , th y t ll a lov ly

e r e fabl in my count y that wh n a baby is born, its guardian a e e he h . t s t e the ng l b stows upon it a kiss If kis is on brow,

e n e be e e the e e be child is d sti d to an int ll ctual ; on y s , it will

e e the ﬁn ers he be e a gr at b auty; if it is on g will a gr at artist . Now I am not in a position to tell you where the angel kissed

es o fﬁcer he e our pr iding , but you will admit that mak s a ” e u wond rf l chairman .

- e e et A LITTLE whisk broom ask d his par nts , How did I g ” “ e e ? e e e e i h r His moth r answ r d r ad ly, Your daddy and I ” swept together .

THAT INEVITABLY calls to mind the story of the man who

e in the e e found a rabbit r clining comfortably r frig rator .

“ ” “ ’ are ou e e? e e the What y doing h r d mand d man . Do esn t it ‘ ' We i h e e 5 1 e 15 1cc o x re say st ng ous on th out o t . ’ s ded th on e . e I se e . p rabbit W ll , W sting

( 6 9 ) in their monthly house organ theffollowin g poem

LONGEVITY

An dsn othin g know (o f wines and beers; The goat and sheep at twenty die

e e e o o rzr e And n v r tast of Sc tch y , Th e cow drinks water by the t on

An d at e ighteen is mos tly . don e ;

The do g at ﬁfteen cashes: in :

- . The . m o dest e b e hen , sob r, on dry

e en Lays e gg s for nogs, then di s at t .

- f in ful e men . But sin ul , g , rum soak d

f - e ten Survive or three scor years and .

” e e eru e s e e e ef l arn d doctor p s d thi v rs v ry car ully, penned the following reply

e e e Now, hark y gargl rs of v rmouth

‘ ‘ h And listen to the so ber trut .

" ‘ ’ Th e e e e an d whale ' turtl , l phant

‘ ‘ l Eschew the m e o f b eer an d a e . Ye t you and I shall never know ’ The age at which they re doomed to go .

( 70 ) The ile t t ea b ea crocod , hat rful st, ’ i n oran t f o f e e s e Is g br w r y ast, ’ But Cleopatra s childhood pet

k - t For all we now is living y e .

The e parrot, swan and oth r bird

“ Of e n has e e e tha ol n v r h ard,

Yet e a ' cen tur e liv s y or mor ,

i If anyon e would keep the score .

This is no prohibition screed;

n th e e the ee I drai cup and smok w d , E An d point a moral to this wheeze :

be on e e e? Pray, who would as of th s

96 a

ONE OF THE most tempestuous actresses on the American

The f stage is Miss Tallullah Bankhead . author o a play in which she was rehearsing staggered away from on e rehearsal

‘ and coin ed a phrase which threatens to becom e immortal in “ theatrical circles : A day away from Tallullah is like a month ” in the country .

‘ NUSSBAUM NOTICED the machine while he was waiting forra ' “ downtown express Your weight and your fortune f o r o n e ” ” - m he l h l murmur d us bau . e e t S n . S tusse e e s c nt, r ad g buss l ,

H e e h in r e f h e st pp d on to t e scale and se t d a penny in t e l t . “ The h e e e card got r ad, Your nam is Nussbaum and you ” weigh 1 48 pounds .

“ ’ ‘ ’ ‘ ’ Ir It h e cci n can t s a de t .

n ame is Nussbaum an dy ou weigh 1 48 pounds .

IL) LAUGHING STOCK

- e e b A sandy hair d young Irishman was standing n ar y . ” “ e e e let m e e e Pl as , call d Nussbaum , tr at you to this machin . ’ ” e e e Th e It s som thing unb lievabl . Irishman got on to th e “ ’

e . e e O Flan ert scal His card r ad, Your nam is y and you ” 1 2 6 weigh pounds . ’ e h Nussbaum couldn t get over it . Once mor e tried it him m “ i e e e e e . self . This t his card bor a long r m ssag You damn ” “ ’ ” f e e e . ool , it r ad , you v miss d your train 96

A MOTORIST 1n Louisian a found th e bridge over a stream

e washe d away by a recent storm . A nativ sat whittling a stick

the o f the e e by side wr ckag . “ ” ee e ? th How d p is this str am asked e motorist . ” Dunno . Think I can drive through it? h ? ” Sure thing . W y not

Th e e e e e - o n n th e mbold n d motorist drov h ad i to e stream .

o f h e m e f e His car promptly sank out sight, and hi s l bar ly got

fe out with his li . “ What do you mean by telling meI could drive through ? ” f h ’ f e h e e . W ten ee ee if that str am cri d uriously y , it s t d p it’s an inch ! ” Th ’ e e e e . e it he nativ scratch d his h ad Can t und rstand ,

“ ’ Th e there h admitted . e wat r s only up to on t e ducks ! 96

’ THE W ee in ee EATHER FORECASTER hadn t b n right thr months ,

e e e l e . a e e and his r signation caus d littl surpris His ibi , how v r, h “ ’ ” e e t e . e pl as d city council I can t stand this town any long r, “ ’

e e . Th m r ad his not e climate doesn t agree with e .

( 7 2 )

LAUGHING STOCK

a . . i e h . l w s ssed to . e ea e t e e a . a . h d wh n p att r p him Wh n, ch d d “ are ou for et that s y going to . g ill p y ” rule of yours and e at ham like the rest o f us? “ At e e e e e your w dding r c ption, Fath r K lly, said Rabbi

Jonas promptly .

KLOPFEP the ee and the :ﬁrst . he FELL ASLEEP at wh l , thing ’ i knew had driven smack into the living room of a roads de

mb r e h the co tta e . . E a rassed e e g and humiliat d , climb d out of “ m e tellame the e ? car, and umbl d , Can you way to Fl mington ’ “ The e e e r u farm r s wif said coldly, Straight ah ad th o gh h t e e e e the . curio cabin t, and b ar l ft at grand piano

OLD Doc McTAVISH e re he e e WHEN r ti d , gav his practic to “ 1 n e e : . ﬁn al ad on t1o . e his son, along with a m R m mb r, bairn

e e l c 1e a e e e to wh n y g y pat nts m dicin , always instruct th m

i m ec1m n br ng a sp e . “ ’ ” e n o t ' alwa s e e it ? But Fath r, that s y n c ssary, is

“ ‘ ’ Of e n ot bairn e er e cours , , but that s how y git y bottl s ” back .

PROBABLY THE MOST famous an d oft- repeated joke about Wall Street concerns the day a prosperous broker treated‘ his friend to an automobile ride along the shore of Long Island “ ? ” “ . e be Sound S e that yacht over there he pointed . That

t th P n v i o e e e . . The on e e r longs gr at bank r J Morgan . xt to ”

» e e e A e e he e out , the b longs to Jul s Bach . littl lat r point d

e e : Mr r H m . M . o yachts of Oth r famous brok rs Hutton,

e Mr b . e re . low r, Flagg, and a doz n mo ’ h ’ T e frown on his frien ds f ac e grew deep er an d deep er . ( 7 4) THIS WAY ’ TO THE ‘J OKES

“ Finally ' he asked t imidly, Say; wh ere are some of‘ the tcus f tomers ya chts ?

WE ar the e o e 1 e f, WHILE on subj ct yachts, a man onc sa d to “

i - P am n a e . , . , e J Morgan I th nki g of buying . yacht mys lf T ll ” me th e ee ? , what is annual upk p “ ” r ﬁrml to An e ed. M . y man, answ r Morgan y , who has ’ ” ' n even ask about the annual upkeep can t afford o e .

OE F S the t e e e e e e ex en J RI CO, s utt ring com dian, onc r c iv d an p sive wrist watch from Charley Foy for valiant assistance in “ ”

e ben eﬁt . e e e som shows Tak car of this , said Foy, who kn w ’ “ ’ e m Frisco s penchant for pawning things . I ll ch rish it to y ” - d- i d- - f e d d st e e o e . ew e e dy ng day, utt r d J A w ks lat r Foy

e the the t e who e spott d watch on wris of his barb r, admitt d he 2 0 o e . had bought it from J for $ Foy bought it back , and “ ’ - — e e e . e e gav it onc mor to Frisco You r a p p princ to do this , ” “ - — h f—f—ﬁn C C a e t e e . d Ch rli , said com dian And if you what ” k—k- e h e ou e t . I do with it this tim , I insist that y k p e watch

S O MR . M RTIMER came home o n e evening arrayed in a n ew

e e he cr ation from a fancy Park Avenu milliner . S admitted to “ h er s h hu band that t e hat had set her back 86 5 . You paid $56 5 ! ” “ ’ ’ he e . for that monstrosity cri d It s a sin, that s what it is ,

“ e e e the * e e W ll , aft r all , my d ar, said wif complac ntly, “ ” e e the the m e admiring h rs lf in mirror, sin is on y h ad . ( 7 5 ) LAUG HING STOCK

LITTLE MARY woke a candy- store proprietor from his after “ ’ ”

e e e e . noon nap and d mand d , A p nny s worth of mix d candy The proprietor threw her a vanilla and a chocolate caramel “ ”

e e e e e . and grumbl d, H r , mix th m yours lf 96 — THE PROSPEROUS and time honored partnership of Jones Johnson threatened to go on the rocks when Johnson fell ’ madly in love with Jones s wife . Jones was very understand “ the e ﬁn all t e ing about whol thing, but y told his par n r, This t o e The be re hing cannot g on any long r . situation must ” solved on e way or another . “ ’ e e ee men W v always b n sporting , said Johnson . What do you think of the idea of playing o n e game of backgam h mon to see who gets t e girl . The husband thought this proposition over for a few mo ’ e e the ments and then agreed . L t s play for a quart r a point on “ ”

e he e e e e . sid , add d, just to mak it int r sting

’ D O S W - e crossm the ONALD GDEN TE ART S cabin mat , g Atlantic

the ﬁrst t1m e e the e for , wok him up s cond morning out and

i “ ’ ” i e o u thin k e e m e? e anx ously inquir d , Do y w r on ti St wart “ ’ ee e the e e n e e e e p r d out of porthol and sol m ly d clar d, No , w r ” Th e about twenty minutes late . e gr at brain took this right “ ” h ? he e e e t e e . e ln stride . Wond r what caus d d lay mus d St w “ ” h e e e e e t e . art sugg st d , Mayb captain f ll ov rboard

96 « x

A LITTLE REFUGEE was trying to sell a crusty old isolationist “ ” 1 h . 00 ee t e a bill of goods I only buy from % Yank s , said

e dubious prosp ct .

( 7 6 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

The refugee somehow managed to convince him that he

1 00 ﬁn e ee ee e . he ind d was a % Yank , and sold him a ord r As

n his e e e e he e was closi g sampl cas , how v r, look d up and saw on the wall pictures of two distin guished- looking gentlemen

— e e- G orge Washington and Abraham Lincoln . Fin look ” “ ” m Your rt r ? en e e the e ee ee i . a ue s ing , comm nt d r fug ch r ly p

A CHAP had b een complaining to an acquaintance in his ofﬁce that he was having no luck ﬁn din g attractive women to take “ e h h . t e e out His fri nd said , I know just t ing for you . Driv

e o n e e e the up lat aft rnoon to W stport, and wait at station for

he The be i e e t train to pull in . wives will wait ng to driv th ir

e e e are o n e husbands hom , and th r always or two husbands ’ h h e t e . o n e t e e who miss train Ask of girls for a dat , and sh ll ’ be so mad at her husband for failing to appear that she ll be ” glad to accept .

Th e hi e the e e da man thought t s a grand id a, and v ry n xt y h e He e e e e Start d driving to Connecticut . was quit xcit d and “ e e h e h e impati nt, and wh n got to Stamford , thought , Why ’ ’ o r e ? e e e e I tr should I g any fa th r Th r s a station h r , and ll y my h . 8 0 e e the e e the men luck wait d for train , and sur nough

off r e e e o n e e got and d ov away with th ir wiv s, and b autiful

e e He e e her e her to girl was l ft ov r . walk d ov r to and ask d

d e h e s e e e o e . e e hav inn r with him , and acc pt d at nc Th y din d

n e e e her e and wi d and danc d, and w nt back to hous for

e two e e e n a anoth r drink or . Just as matt rs w r approachi g

the s e e e e e e natural conclusion, hu band nt r d un xp ct dly, and

e e e ar start d scr amin g vituperations at his wife . Sudd nly his tention was riveted on the man who was trying unsuccess LA UG HING STOCK

’ li e backad i i : o or. fully to : s de o ut of th J S o it s y ouﬁ you rat, he “

e e 31 - o ou t m . f b llow d t ld y S a o rd .

f min VE i o n e . GO RNOR HUNT o Wy g tells , this story zo hims lf

He v e the . e Pe e on e d a n d w e , the isit d Stat nit ntiary ay , h n

e s e e o t e e en i ”mea the w e un ex prison rs a s mbl d f r h v ng lf ard n p ectedly asked him to make a few remarks . Without think ” - h e Fello s c itiz e e e e w en s . e ing b gan, , Th ir smil s r mind d him

; He that all of them had lost their citizen ship when co nvicted . “ ”

e . e . w e . a t e tri d again F llow convicts , This was ors As las r “ ’ s he e e el me kn owwhat to ort, xplain d hastily, W l , n , I don t ”

- I am certain lad to see: so man o f ou e e . call you, but ly g y y h r

‘ OLD MAN MCRAE of the PurchaseFire D epartment was tell

' ing some of the young sprigs around the ﬁre house o f his “ ” he e e he exploits ln t Gay Nineties . I will nev r forg t, chuck “ led h e e e e - lu t obacco the as ch w d an normous wad of cut p g ,

‘ time we seen a woman on the roof of a ten -story buildin g ' f m ’ was n e e in e n . u that burni g lik anything ov r Whit Plai s j p , ' ‘ ’ ’ ‘ l ea I h e e . G o we el ed. s e y don t wanna, y ll d back ah d and ’ ‘ down e e to hollored. We n et jump , lady, I got a h r catch, you ’ ‘ ’ ‘ ’

h he e . We in . s e . e e e s Okay, said H r I com , and jump d just ’ ”

We didn t have n o n et . laughed and laughed and laughed .

' ' ‘ ‘ THE LIEUTENANT on duty at the 1 '4th -pre cin ct station heard ’ “ e e an excited lady s vo ice over the pho ne . S nd som body right “ ” h in o e s e e . e e e v r, shrill d Th r is an normous gray animal my l ” garden pulling up cabbages with his tai . “ ’ ? ” What s he doing with t hem asked the copper .

” ‘ “ ’ i ‘ ' I said the e n e er eie e me . If told you, voic , you d v b l v ( 78 ) ‘ T . THIS WAY. O THE JOKES

XI I e e , H A TA DR VER ord r d a steak in a downt own diner. e ’ c u dn e e e e kn ife an d. e e o l t v n mak a d nt in it with his holl r d, “ ”

He hi e e . y , t s is hors m at “ ’ e ‘ h u e e the c ef . e e S r , it s hors m at, said Ev rybody is ating ” horse meat nowadays . “ ” h h x ’ im be t e e . t e n e t t e That may , said taxi driv r But you ’ se e it e the e of rv , why don t you tak harn ss

H AN all- e e e e the W EN T xas r gim nt land d in North Africa,

e e e e e e we to captain is said to hav warn d th m , R m mb r, got

h e t e e . e sa e humor nativ s If th y y Africa is bigg r than T xas, ” ee agr with them .

’ A LOCAL Romeo s face appeared in ; the window of his be ’ “ ” “ ’ l d s d e h le e s o ve e . G t e o n e e b room a mov , hol r d, and l t

t e ge this loping business over with . “ ” “ ’ B l : e e e e . Pa a l e r us qui t, caution d Juli t p h a and spoil all ” our plan s . “ ’ ’ He s I wouldn t worry about t hat said Romeo . down h on the ground holding t e ladder .

IN THE early days in Arizona when frontier justice was th e

e e e o n e t wo - ﬁsted e e rul , th r was judg who rul d his court with an - Th n l the iron hand plus a pair of six shooters . e o y book in whole town was an authentic ﬁrst edition of a Sears Ro ebuck

Th e e e e e e e catalogue . judge k pt it on his d sk and wh n v r it cam

e e e e e h e e . On e tim to giv a s nt nc , would consult its pag s

he e e the e the e morning op n d book at random , glanc d at op n ” a e n ﬁn e ﬁn er e . e p g , and shook a g narl d g at a priso r I you, he said, 7 9 LAUGHING STOCK

The r1so n er e e . u e e p start d to prot st Shut p , whisp r d his “ ’ ’ in he e the e . Su os lawyer . You r lucki st coot in town pp had “ ’ ‘ ’ turned to planos 1n stead o f babies dresses ?

A CERTAIN LADY who lived o n Park Avenue 10ved birds and h her husband was rich enough to in dulge er every whim . For a birthday present he found her a parrot that spoke eleven languages and that cost him exactly $ 1 00 for each language . “ ’ e he o t ' home he Wh n g , said, What d ya think of that won > derfulbird I sent you? “ ” ’ h e It was elegant, sh e answered . It s in t e ov n right ” n ow .

’ e e th e e ? he Th e husband s face turn d purpl . In ov n “ ”

e . e e e e e . shout d Why, that bird could sp ak l v n languag s “ ’ The w1fe e e wh e ? ask d , Th n y didn t it say som thing

P e e ee e A J EE round d a corn r on two wh ls , knock d down a

e e e e e an polic man and four p d strians , ov rturn d a fruit cart, d

e ﬁn ally wrapped itself around a telegraph pole . A sw et young h “ ” h e t e e e . ee s e e thing climb d out of wr ckag Yipp , cri d, “ ’

. that s, what I call a kiss

S B e e for the I PRE CRI E absolut qui t your husband, said “ ’ ” “

e e ee e . e e doctor . H r s a sl ping powd r Wh n do I giv it to ” “ ’ ? h f e the e t e e . him ask d wi You don t giv it to him, said “ e 1t e f doctor . You tak yours l

THE CADDY MASTER o f a golf course attached to a summer va cation hotel felt that he was performing a good deed all

( 8 0 )

e e e e a: violen t f e e e The ald rm n to ord r, .wh n arthquak occurr d .

h Th e e r ? ( t e de e . e t e 1n the e r al rm n faithful s cr ta y no d r co d, adjourned

AN G A W G e em e ; al the INDI N NT DO A ER onc d and d of Dr G l up,

e e e famous sampl r of public opinion on practically v rything, why ﬁshe had n everzbeen t questioned on an y f subj eet whatever mathematical chances of b e ing interviewed are about equa l to your chance of being struck by lightning? “ The lady answered, I h ave been struck by lightning .

96 « ( c

‘ f ~ con ducted for the. sole p urpose o f determ1mn g why m en g er

h , u t e e the n . e e e e p in middl of ight Only it d v lop d, r ally

1 o r lin ' r n dt h t e d have to get up . g p ow g a ou e ki ch n to ﬁn Something to eat

‘ Th ‘ th 6 e o er o % get up t o go home . 96

SADIE s twelve - y eara old son got a job during his s ummer vaca “ ” “ k An d a he e all ee . tion that paid $50 a w , Mam , promis d, of ” e he e her ﬁrst it goes straight to you . Wh n hand d his pay “ ” h ‘ e e e the e s e . a nv lop , cont nt add d up to only 5 Ah , said “ e oils e ! Sadi , taking out g alr ady 96

YEs SIR e f e ke , , it was thos two amous Irishm n, Pat and Mi ,

e e n d walkin g down Third Aven ue t ogether. Pat dropp d b hi

( 8 2 ) THIS WAY TO THE JO KES

fo r a momen t ywhen v h e came : back he ww wipin g his hands

— - ( . h o f a . a g han dk chi “If 01 a t e vigorously with er ef . c tch son ” “ i’ll e . a e h e m e e O gun who spits lik quart r, utt r d darkly, .

! break him in two

A DRUNK in ithe Empire State Building steppeds in to a n ele

e en vator shaft and dro pp ed thirty s to ries to the basem n t . “(h

“ ‘ f kf i s n I shaid u n ot he n e he sho o h s ﬁs t a d e e . la d d, r mark d , p , ” n dow .

GEORGE WHARTON PEPPER tells a p oign an t s tory of the days

- e The e e when Cal Coolidge was Vice Presid nt . Coolidg s liv d

dle the n i u e e e i the zlobb . in . a of ght bro ght v ry gu st nto y ,

e . e ed vari ty of negligees and fancy pajamas Mr. Coolidg spe ily surmised that there was no danger and started to trudge back “ ” “

. n the ﬁre et to his room Nothi g doing, said marshal , g back in that lobby . “ - are . e n the e e e t . You sp aki g to Vic Pr sid n , said Coolidge

with some dignity . “ ” h m r h e t e a s al. G o e d Okay, th n, said ah a

e e “ he c e are o A mom nt lat r all d suspiciously, What y u Nice-President of

“ ’ Th Un ited tat e S es e . , said Coolidg h e e e e t e . right back down h r , ord r d marshal I

e e Vic wPr i t you w r e es den t of the hotel .

D - o w. to e t ee e e ? you kno how mak an i fr z , Mist r ”

u . V S re Hide her paj amas . LAUGHING STO CK

e e e e MRS . MAULE thought that $54 was a v ry r asonabl pric for

e e she e the ad the a thoroughbr d polic dog, so clipp d out in suburban newspaper that proclaimed this extraordinary bar

e e e e the be e gain, wrot out a ch ck , and ord r d dog to shipp d to

e few e the e es her resid nce . A days lat r xpr sman deposited on her e the e - e she e e doorst p mangi st looking mongr l had ver s en .

e she e e e the n s e e the ad In a rag t l phon d man who had i rt d , and “ e u said, What do you m an by calling that m tt a thorough ” bred police dog? “ h ’ He t e e e . be dece1ved is just that, was sol mn r ply Don t

’ “ ”

Hes the e e e e . by his looks . in S cr t S rvic

DIXON WECTER tells the story about a prominent rector of a New Haven Episcopal Church who was presented with a

n shiny ew Packard . Drivin g down to Manhattan in his hand

e n ew e the e e e e som machin , good Fath r found hims lf xhilarat d

e l disco erm he and a little confused . Sudd n y v g that was going

the e o n e- ee he e extri in wrong dir ction on a way str t, tri d to cate himself by making an illegal turn and then went past a

red . e e e light A burly polic man app ar d and, with a bow,

h he h e t e . e t e e wav d him to curb L aning on door, said g ntly, “ e am are e ﬁve traﬂi c e Fath r, I afraid you br aking about rul s m e . Of e e e e at onc cours , it is okay by , but I b tt r warn you, ”

e the the e e . Fath r , that cop on n xt b at is a Baptist

Th car A FAMOUS banker was being driven downtown . e was suddenly sideswiped by a big truck and the chauffeur was

h f e ee f badly injured . T e chau f ur n ded a blood trans usion on the 0 the e e ﬁt f e e o v lun sp t and bank r, in a sudd n o g n r sity, o

( 84) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

th e h ee e . T e e e un t r d to supply blood story, how v r, has an Th ’ happy endin g . e shock of ice water in the chauffeur s veins was so severe that he got double pneumonia and died the next

morning .

96 cm

SQUIRE PERKINS had an ambitious son who went to ‘ New

The e e . e e e York to mak his fortun br aks w r against him , how

e e he e e in e r v r, and nd d up as a bootblack Grand C nt al Sta

e n e . tion . Squire P rkins conti u d to work his farm Now the

e e th fath r mak s hay while e son shines .

2 00 e e ice- ! ! $ for an l ctric box Too much Good day, said

h e e The e he e e th t e prosp ctive cli nt . n xt morning ord r d e box “ k e the e e e e e . as Mr ov r phon for imm diat d liv ry Might I , .

e e e ? May s , what mad you chang your mind “ l ” h “ e t e e . e e e e e C rtain y, said cli nt Wh n I cam hom y st r

e e e the ice- e her day, my wif was l aning ov r old box, and I gav ‘ u she ifteen a playful pat . Without looking p , said , F pounds ’ e today, d ar .

THE SLIGHTLY over- rouged young lady summoned the head “ ’ ’ ” h i ? he e . e t e t e . wait r That s Clark Gabl at bar, isn t ask d H h “ H ’ m h e e er . e s e s e assur d that it was annoying , said . “ “ ? The n n e e e e e . A oying you h adwait r rais d an y brow Why, ’ ” “ ” he as e e e ! the h n t v n look d at you That, said young lady, “ ’ m is what s annoying e . 96

C S AS e e the e e HRI TM , xplain d a young radical , is tim of y ar ” when bosses throw their dogs a bonus .

( 8 5 ) LAUGHING STOCK

’ MAGG the e s a had e ect IE, Fost r m id, a p rf ly infuriating habit of interrupting her mistress with petty household problems m the middle of bridge games for high stakes.On e day her

e e te e she e e e e she mistr ss thr a n d that if v r int rrupt d again,

b ﬁre th would e d on e spot. About two weeks later the cards had just been dealt for a

e e e e th The t e hand wh n Maggi app ar d in e doorway . mis r ss

her e t e her c e e w e the saw , but, as a t s , ignor d ompl t ly hil hand

t e was bid and carefully played . After h score had been en “ tered the e t e ee e s am , mistr ss urn d sw tly to Maggi and aid , I

e e e e e me glad you l arn d your l sson, Maggi . Now t ll what is on ” your mind . “ e e the e o n I just want d to say, said Maggi , that hous is

’ RAFFERTY S COAL truck got stuck in the mud and Raff erty ’ couldn t extricate it although he t1pp ed the scalesat a cool 2 6 0

an d ee - the e pounds, had b n a strong man in Barnum Bail y

H the circus for nine years . e was standing by truck cursing impotently when a lady walked by carrying a mangy little ’ e Raﬁ e t a de e e . r s ce P kin s dog y fa lit with sud n inspiration,

' and he asked the lady if he could have the use of the Peke for “ ” fe e ? the e a w minutes . What on arth for said lady distast “ h ” . e me et t e fully I want him to h lp g this truck out of mud, “ ffe e t e e said Ra rty . How can a littl dog like his h lp a big loaf r ” e et the e th l deﬁ lik you g a truck out of mud? ask d e ady, i l “ ” n te . f e e e . y aghast Ra f rty xplain d , I gotta whip

A LADY in San Francisco was eating her lunch When the tele ( 8 6 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

e . e e e e e e phon rang B d lia answ r d, giggl d shrilly, said Sur is , h — an d u . e e t e e hung p A mom nt lat r phon rang again short,

n e in lin he e e e e e e s s t . i ist nt j g g of b ll Again B d lia answ r d, laugh d “ ” h e e e The e e e e e u t e . v n loud r, call d Sur is , and hung p r c iv r “ ’ ” e n on e e e e a ? she lady was puzzl d . What s goi g th r , B d li asked . “

e n the w e e e e . e Strang st thi g in orld, xplain d B d lia Som ‘ fool person on that phone calls up just to say Long distance ’ ‘ ’ ”

N e is u . from ew York . So I says sur and hang p

“ ’ ” I D e the MARRY Paulin tomorrow, young man told his “ e if e e e to ee e fri nd , I could only mak nough mon y k p hous for two . “ ’ ” Why don t you go and live with her parents? suggested the friend . “ ’ ’ the u e e w That s out, said yo ng man . Th y r living ith ” their parents .

‘ tle n e e o e MAMA , said lit Li da, do all fairy tal s b gin with nc ’ upon a time ? “

a n . e e e be No , d rli g, said Mama grimly Som tim s th y ‘ M e be e e the o fﬁce e e to gin , y lov , I will d tain d at pr tty lat ’ night .

CC e f e e A SU ESSFUL city busin ss man took up arming as a sid lin . “ e two e e e are Aft r y ars a fri nd ask d him, How you doing with that poultry you put in ? “ ” M i it th e e he y son is runn ng , said busin ss man, and

ee s be o the e for him s m to doing okay . I b ught chick ns , I pay

e ee bu the e him he e t em . for th ir f d, I y ggs from , and ats h

( 8 7 ) LAUGHING STOCK

Th e . e The friend laugh d business man was a little bit hurt . ” e e the e f e e he I mad last y ar on whol arm , how v r, said

e e e the e e r p at d fri nd incr dulously . “ Ye ir h ﬁ m 2 2 s s t e e r l . n l , , said busin ss man y I o y lost $ ,

e Th e ﬁrst e 000 this y ar . y ar I lost

AT G terriﬁc e e THE HEI HT of a dom stic crisis, a v ry indignant “ ’ e e e her e e wif r mind d husband , Don t forg t that I com from ” e e e an xtr m ly aris tocratic family . “ ” e h r e e e e . Com from , my y , snarl d husband You brought ” the e whol lot of them with you .

THE n e us TEACHER was classifying a ew pupil . Who gav

f ? she this beauti ul school asked . “ ” h e e e e e e e . Pr sid nt Roos v lt, r pli d Who gave us our wonderful transcontinental roads ? ” e e e Pr sid nt Roosev lt . Who makes the trees grow and th e ﬂowers blossom? ”

e e the . God , answ r d pupil

At 1 e the e e this point an angry vo c from r ar cri d, Throw ” that damn Republican out .

YOU PROBABLY have heard of the magician who walked down ’ e are he s the Broadway and turned into a drugstore . Chanc s ’ same fellow who thought Western Union was a cowboy s

e underw ar .

EZ EKIEL HUB B ARD was running for sheriff in a New Hamp shire county and left no stone unturned in his quest for votes . ( 8 8 )

LAUGHING STOCK

e e am N Goldfarb . H r I going from ew York to Chicago ; — ’ you are going from Chicago to New York aud we re o n the i ” same tra n .

AN ENTERPRISING motor concern was staging a preview of

- n e e h post war models . O visitor point d to t e most expensive “ e e If e mod l and inquir d, I bought this car by installm nts, how long would it take me to pay for it ? “ That depends on how much you can aﬁ ord to give each ”

the e i . month , said sal sman, caut ously “

n e ﬁ ured the e . I thi k I could promot $ 3 a month , g prosp ct ” “ At e ! e e the ale . $ 3 a month cho d s sman that rat , it would take you a hundred years to pay up . “ ? h ’ i . So what said t e young man . It s worth r

” WHERE DID you stay in Atlantic City? a merchant asked

f e - n his partner a t r a long week e d. “ ” h in e At t e e n . B njam Franklin, said his part r ’ The Benjamin Fran klin? That ain t in Atlantic City! ’ h That s in Philadelphia! ejaculated t e merchant . “ ” “ won der as hah the a e . w Ah , said p rtn r No it such a long walk to th e b each!

ON THE MORNING of a World Series game an ofﬁce boy “ e e e brac d his boss and start d, Sir, my grandmoth r “

Th e . h e boss caught him short O , com now, son, you ’ don t think you are going to get away with that old chestnut

u e about yo r grandmother having di d . “ “ ’

f h . th e e . e e Oh, no , was r ply Sh s hom on urloug

( 9 0 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

A HOLLYWOOD DIRECTOR almost had apoplexy when an as “ i n t t e - e e his No n o ou ta . s s rott d a two h ad d man into studio , , y ” “ ” i t - ea ma he re . ow e n . idiot, roa d I sa d a h d d

/2 “ Ekhamme e e Mr. r I THINK I will hav a sardin sandwich , said

the e to wait r . “ e im e ? e the e Dom stic or port d ask d wait r . ’ th e ff e e? Ekh r What s di er nc said amme . On ly that the domestic o n e costs a quarter and the im ” e on e - h e port d costs thirty y cents . “ “ ’ n m e the n Ekh ammer I e o e . be You bri g dom stic , said ll danged if I am going to pay boat fare to America for any

n e sardi s . ( 9 1 ) LAUGHING STOCK

THE SUDDEN appearance of about ﬁfty n ew anthologies in “ e e led o n e e If e o n e bookstor s last y ar wit to r mark, you st al ’ ’

ff . e o f e e men man s stu , it s plagiarism If you st al that s v ral , ’ ” it s research . Dorothy Parker once deﬁn ed anthologists as lazy fellows “ who like d to spend a quiet evening at home raiding a good ’ bo okf

A FAT DOWAGER in a crowded Madison Avenue bus trod upon the foot of an irritable gent who was trying to read his news “ ” h “ e . e et pap r Madam, said coldly, I will ask you to kindly g ” o ff my foot . “ h l e e e s e e e . Put your foot wh r it b longs, r pli d sharp y ’ ’ ” m me he e e e e . Don t t mpt , Madam, don t t mpt , murmur d

96 (t

I BEADSLEY . e CRED T MR. with good sportsmanship Wh n his

e e f e two ee o f e he stor w nt bankrupt a t r w ks dismal busin ss , “ plastered a big sign on the window that read : Opened by mistake .

IN Z AR e e e e e e e THE O KS , wh r whisk y ﬂows lik wat r, th y hav

e their own deﬁn itio n of intoxication . In a villag in that section o n e e the e the in Sunday, a man lay prostrat in middl of road “ ’ ” “ h e He s t e e ff . a hot noonday sun . drunk, said sh ri I gu ss ’ ” I d better stick him in the calaboose . “ ’ \ He ain t drunk at all disputed a fellowtownsman . I j est seen his ﬁn gers move .

A MAGICIAN had a marked fondness for rabbit stew which th e

h e o n e e e . t e rabbit stew never reciprocat d In middl of dinn r,

The e e the magician had a hurried exit . wait r watch d him rush

( 9 2 )

LAUGHING STOCK

’ Th in hi . e o o e s room . I ll ask him C l n l agreed readily and the

e e be e e M sal sman l ft instructions to awak n d at 6 : 30 A . . as he ’

He e e . had to make a 7 o clock train . sl pt w ll

The e the e e he was n xt morning, going down in l vator, “ ee e the e morn 1n e gr t d by att ndant with a Good g, Colon l

' R Passin e . the e he e e umpl g room cl rk look d back at h aring, “ R Th — e e . e e Good morning, Colon l umpl doorman this tim " he was o smve— the He e oﬁ e e ee p did same . pass d th s gr tings “

n e At 6 : 0 A . M . o n e with a shrug, murmuri g to hims lf, 3 no is ” in ri ht sen e n the he e the his g s s . O boarding train w nt to i x w e in the e e h e ee e / ashroom, look d mirror, and d cid d n d d a Th . h e shave A second look and e let out a scream . train was

he e he e already on its way . T pass ngers were perplexed as w nt “ dl the i e e M ! dashing ma y down a sl y lling frantically, y God ” They woke up the wrong man!

“ THE A to RITHMETIC TEACHER said, Now, boys, I want you ﬁgure what interest of o n e percent on a milliorr dollars for ” c The e set two years would ome to . whol class to work dili h gently with the exception of little Mawruss in t e front row . “ ’ ” “ ? h c n r the e Mawruss t e e e . O e e What s matt r, said t a h r p ’ ”

e e e e me Mawruss . c nt do sn t int r st , said 96

MARX FANS like to rememb er when Groucho was playing Dr . ’ - - i h e R tten ous s e . Something or other and took Mrs . puls My ” “ e he in ﬁn ite e e ! d ar woman, said with pity, you hav mic “ ’ An e e e e e e o e int rn int rrupt d to r port, Th r s a man utsid with a black moustache “ ’

e I ve o n e e . T ll him got , snapp d Groucho

Two TACITURN Maine farmers had known each other all their

( 94) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

e e r e e e e e to liv s, but th i conv rsations w r usually r strict d “ ’ “ ” he ﬁr Morn in e . On e e e e t st or Nic day aft rnoon, how v r, “ ” Hi e he a e a e e e . f rm r gr w a bit mor loquacious , Luk , sk d, “ ” what did you give your horse when he had the colic? “ i ” ur e e e. T p nt n , said Luk ‘ ”

n e . Tha ks , said his fri nd ’ me ee t e met a n . e Two w ks later h y ag i Didn t you t ll ,

e e r e e in e e he the Luk , that you gav you hors turp nt wh n had ” colic?

e . Yup , said Luk

e e e t u e e he e . W ll , I gav min rp ntin and di d ” So did e a e min , s id Luk

has e e 3 mon s . MacGre or I SEE your lass got h rs lf , aid Mrs g T i h Mr . Mac to s av s . “ A e h s e . y , that has Is it working well? h e e e el . Of e s e a W ll nough . V rra w l, in fact cours , cann ’ ” e her e e e e h n ? bid mon, but th n , isn t th r always som t i g

LEVENTHAL SIGNED up as motorman on the Spring Street

s . r n 1z The cros town His run was short and poorly p at o ed. hrst time he took the car out he was back in nineteen minutes

te Th with a dollar n in fares . e second time he completed his

in e ee run ight n and a half minutes and rang up ninety cents .

e he e e e Th n disapp ar d for a solid thr e hours .

u the e e e h J st as sup rint ndent was about to r port to t e police,

e e t n e u e e e e een L v nthal ur d p , all smil s, with r c ipts of ight “ ” si -ﬁ ve . e so ee he ex xty Busin ss was bad on Spring Str t, “ ” a n e th pl i d, that I took e car up Broadway .

( 9 5 ) LAUGHING STOCK

AN EAST SIDE synagogue reaped its greatest harvest on the Jewish New Year holidays when every seat was sold months

e e e e e e in advanc , and nough mon y was rais d to tak car of

e the the n e r several sp cial charities for balance of year . O mo n

in the e the e e e to ing, middl of s rvic s , a man cam dashing up the door of the synagogue and rushed past the gatekeeper . “ ” “ ’ He e et e e y , cri d that dignitary, you can t g in h r without ” e a tick t . “ ’ h e t e e . e You don t und rstand, said intrud r My partn r, ’ e t e e I ve to e e Ros nthal , is in h r , and got t ll him that our stor is ” burnin g down .

The e ee e c e e e e al gat k p r onsid r d for a mom nt, and th n “ e let o e e low d, All right, I will you g in long nough to t ll ’ ” e l m et e . Ros nthal . But don t catch you praying 96

BRI OW The e a YOUNG SC got a job in a bank . cashi r tossed him “ e on e- e e e packag of dollar bills and said , Ch ck th m to mak ” e r n e Bri c i u e e a e e . s w e F s r th r o hundr d o start d coun ting . nally he got up to Then he threw the pack “ ” a e the e If he e e the g in draw r it is right this far , r mark d to ”

e the . man n xt to him, it is probably right all way 96

AM h Mr f t e e . e e I OFF to rac s, said Dal to his wi , and I only h e e e e . e t e hop I br ak v n I sur need dough . 96

‘ A FATHER shook his head sadly as his son leff the room . For the fourth successive month his report card had shown noth D ’ “ ” “ s . am ﬁn all e he e ing but I y convinc d , told his wif , that ’ our e iiith e e certaml of son must hav a s sense . Th r s y no Sign th e ﬁ e oth r ve .

(9 6 )

LAUGHING STOCK

Two DRUNKS in a mid - town bar were discussing life: I had “ ; h e e s n e . e e t e darnd st dr am last night, aid o I dr am d that sud den ly about o n e thousand funny little men were dancing on

e ee top of my body . Th y had pink caps and gr n suits and ” funny red boots that curled up ln th e front . “ ” “ Yes ee th e e e e e b el , agr d oth r, and th r was a tinkly littl l ” h e f th at t e to e of ach o e boots . “ ? the ﬁrst o n e How do you know said in surprise.

e e are e e sittm e Th r a coupl of th m still g on your should r, h said t e other . 96

THERE ONCE was a little tailor named Kuhn who had a big “ s1 n e e e g in his window which r ad, Mosh Kuhn, form rly of ” A th e the e Co . t e e Kuhn, Lo b that tim lat Otto Kahn was

f th e e o e e Co . h ad famous banking hous of Kuhn, Lo b , and ’ his friends twitted him so much about the tailor s sign that

ﬁn ll h Kahn a y visited t e tailor sh0p himself . “ e e are n s u You know v ry w ll that you maki g this tory p , “ h e 1 if il e chid d . I will give you $ 00 you w l take that sign out of your window . Th il h T e e r. n e ta or agreed with alacrity . n xt day M Kah

e see he e . e e cam by to if had liv d up to his bargain Sur nough, the e n e e off ending sign had disappeared . In its plac was o twic “ e e e : e e i as larg which r ad , Mosh Kuhn absolut ly no conn ct on ”

e Co . with Kuhn, Lo b

VILLAGE PASTOR stopped a little nine-year- old girl on “ street o n e e e e day and said , W ll , w ll Mary, I h ar God ‘ e just s nt you two little twin brothers .

(9 8 ) n us WAY TO THE JOKES

r An d h e k s e e the Yes he s tt e Ma . , did, aid li l y now wh r ’ money s coming from to o . Daddy said so 96

a Mr e o o EVERYB ODY COMMENTED on how br vely . Cas y t k his ’ - e e n d e he su erin e e . a wife s sudd n d ath Dry y d compos d, p

her e th e tended personally all th e details of fun ral . As pall

e e e e n the cofﬁn h h the e e e e b ar rs w r carryi g t roug c m t ry gat , on e of them accidentally banged his corner of the coﬂin in to

The t u n e . e e e . a post . It r d out that Mrs Cas y was not quit d ad sudden jar brought her back to consciousness and there came

Of e e from the inside of the cofﬁn a mufﬂed scream . cours th y rushed her back to the h05 pital where she lingered for ten

h e e e s e e . in the anxious days . Th n r ally di d Aga fun ral pro

e e e h e e e e e c ssion w nd d its way to t e cem t ry . As th y w r carry

h c fﬁ h t e o n t e e Mr. e e ing through gat , Cas y cri d in a loud “ e For the o e e o out ! voic , l v of Mik , lo k for that post 96

— ’ THE DEER HUNTING set likes to recall Ed Wynn s routine

e e e i e he wh n, just b for go ng out to stalk a moos or two , caught

s e f - e i e sight of him l in a full l ngth m rror, gasp d in horror, and “ ’ ” im e m e I e . xcla d, Thank God out of s ason 96

WHEN THE Ziegfeld Follies were at the height of their fame Florenz Ziegfeld met a Middle- Western merchant whom he

i e e him had known in his ch ldhood and, as a sp cial tr at, took

e e the n e n e to a r h arsal of w production for that year . O b eau tiful girl after another came out on the Stage in a scant t e hearsal tu The e cos me . m rchant stared intently but all he

was o . e e e o e ﬁn all said an ccasional Phui Zi gf ld , v ry ann y d, y

( 9 9 ) LAUGHING STOCK

can t e . e e o e said, I simply und rstand you H r I show you s m o f the most beautiful girls in America with practically n o ‘ ’ clothes on and all you do is sit here and say phui . “ ”

n o f the th e e . I wasn t thinki g girls , said m rchant sadly f ” I was thinking of my wi e .

AN ENGLISHMAN arrived in America for his ﬁrst visit an da

New e e u York publish r, bursting with local prid , took him p “ ” he he e . e e t town in an op n car Th r is Municipal Building, “ ’ e pointed out . It s sort of our City Hall . American workm n ” th 1 2 put up e whole building in 3 days . “ ’ h e e e e t e . That s not v ry r markabl , said London r Our

t - Ci y Hall was built in n inety four days . A little later the New Yorker pointed out the Williams ”

e e t he e . burg Bridg . Th y built tha in four months ﬂat, boast d “ ” n ew e e e e the Our Wat rloo Bridg , answ r d Englishman, ” was put up in two months and a half . The New Yorker pointed out several other architectural B t the e e e e . riumphs , but Englishman topp d him v ry tim y this

th N e the time e ew Yorker was considerably nettled . Sudd nly Englishman gasped in surprise as their car passed by the Em “ ’ e th e n ? he pir State Building . What s e nam of that buildi g

inquired . ’ Th e e American shrugged his shoulders . I couldn t t ll “ ’ he It e e e e you, said . wasn t th r wh n I cam downtown this ” morning .

Two SOUR- PUSS farmers like to grumble to each oth er “ e e see s e e N v r did hay grow so hort as min this summ r,

( l o o )

LAUGHING STOCK on his ﬁrst swing around he rang up a to tal o f 8 “ “ In e the s e we e that cas , said bos , I sugg st that asc rtain ” - the price of a round trip ticket to Hackensack .

B n e WARNER Ro s . recently hit upon a bright ew id a for arous ing advance 1n terest in a n ew Humphrey Bogart thriller . They ordered posters in subway stations that bore on ly the “ words : This space reserved for Humphrey Bogart . Two

e the e e e e e in days aft r post r w nt out, th y got a l tt r from an “ ” “

i h e . d n an t . e e g fan What a ch ap , dirty trick , wrot How ” can anybody draw a moustache on a sign like that? 96

‘ A MOTORCYCLE COP strode back to th e sedan he had ﬂagged. “ ” h h “ He e e e the ﬁ ure t e ee . y , b llow d to cringing g at wh l I

m e h ﬁrs e e a in f . t e t arr st g you on our counts In plac , you drov

. In th e through a red light back on Central Avenue . e s cond — e are the o n o n e ee . plac , you going wrong way a way str t In ’ the e e ee e the e e third plac , you v b n t aring through c nt r of h ’ 0 le . t e e town at 5 mi s an hour And in fourth plac , you didn t ” pay any attention to my siren for fully ten blocks . ’ The driver s wife leaned across her silent husband and gave “ ’ h e t t mi the er ee e t m e . cop sw t s s il You r ally mus n nd him , ” “ ’

fﬁ er h H e . O c s e e . e s , coo d d ad drunk

’ the e o f Who o in ham s e e the e THIS IS Duk p g stat , said guid ’ “ a e e On e o f e a e from Cook s , and dd d sotto voc , our gr at l nd d

’

e a . propri tors , y know

e A young lady from Newark expressed sudden inter st . ” Who landed him? she inquired .

( 1 0 2 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

K B t M Dear Bella e the ARTHUR O ER, au hor of y , t lls about day

me r k the . M hle in when Mrs Gross t s . S p on Grand Con

hle k . . in e course . Mrs S p look d so downcast that Mrs Gross ’ ’ ” e e e th e e ? cri d, For God s sak , Sadi , what s troubl “ “ hl kin The in e . e e . S M poor husband, sigh d Mrs p doctor

h r just told him e has cance . “ hl k e ll n . S e in a . s Is that , said Mrs Gros , slappi g Mrs p h art “ th e So are ? e ily on back . what you worrying about Canc r, ’ ” hm c e s an er h e s . , as long as got his h alth

MCWHORTLE EXPRESSED himself as highly sympathetic to th e

e m the e e e - e vi wpoint and ai s of Gl n agl s Anti Tipping Soci ty, but his enthusiasm waned perceptibly when he heard the an “ ” e il i he e e t wo e . nual du s w r sh l ngs a y ar Two shillings, “

e . e e ﬁ ure grumbl d Mon, I can sav mon y at that g by going i i ’ ” on t pp n right through the year .

A DETERMINED - LOOKING gent strode into a Western Un ion ofﬁce e off e e e e , dash d a t l gram , and stamp d his foot impati ntly ’ e the e e l e whil cl rk coun ted the words . You v on y got nin “ in e e ai the e . are e e to words this t l gram , s d cl rk You ntitl d ” n e o e mor without extra charge . Together the man and the clerk reread the telegram which “ We : nt as follows Galumph , galumph , galumph , galumph , galumph, galumph , galumph , galumph, galumph . “ ’ hi ” e the man . I can t t nk of anoth r word to add, said ” e ? e th e Why not an0th r galumph suggest d clerk . ” “ n e ma l a A oth r galumph? said the n angri y . Th t would ” be silly .

( 1 0 3) LAUG HING STOCK

A HORSE walked up to a bar and asked fo r a martini with “ h t e e e e . catsup . Okay, bud , said bart nd r, and mix d it pronto After tossing o ff the drink with considerable and obvious “ e the e e e e the e r lish, hors l an d ov r bar and said, I suppos you think it is strange that a horse should come in here and ask for ” “ ” h “ in it . e t e e e . a martini with catsup H ll , no , said bart nd r I e e lik them that way mys lf .

THERE IS another story that runs along similar lines about a s e e r Hi e e ailor who cabl d his b st gi l from Honolulu . s m ssag “ ” e h e e e . e e e e r ad , I lov you, I lov you, I lov you Wh n l arn d

he e e e e he e that could hav a t nth word without xtra charg , gav h “ ” t e e e e o f e e e a . matt r a gr at d al thought, and th n add d R g rds

( 1 04 )

LAUGHING STOCK

’ The e i e e eef s cond g rl pick d corn d b hash . Don t take h “ ’ f t t e e . e o the i t e hat, said wait r It s mad up all th ngs hat Oth r

e e e a e Th e p eople l av on th ir pl t s . London broil is what you ” e should tak . “ the e e it L on don All right, said s cond girl . Mak broil , an d a cup of coff ee . ” ’ mk o ffee e e th e e . ee w C , xclaim d wait r You won t sl p a ” i f e t n e i e o e . to ght . You tak a n c glass fr sh bu t rmilk “ ” “ h l e lk e e t e . V ry w ll , said girl London broi and butt rmi

h i i h e do T e th rd g rl looked timidly at t e wait r . What you ? h think I ought to order s e said . “ ? ” ’ How do I know said the waiter indignantly . Who s ” g0t time around here to make suggestions ?

G e e e i A J UD E y d his prison r disapprovingly and sa d, Why ” did you beat your wife ?

e ul e e n e the e . It was a sudd n imp s , xplai d prison r ” “ l h Ou e irn ulse am e e t e e . V ry w l , said judg a sudd n p I ” going to put you in the cooler for thirty days . “ ” “ “

the e . are e Okay, said prison r sadly But you c rtainly m ” putting a cri p in our honeym oon .

W - B E e e in a - e A OULD Broadway produc r, op rat g on sho string, ’ h n e r was interviewing applicants for t e heroine s part . O gi l “ ’ h ” h e e . e t e e e e d light d him You r just what doctor ord r d, “ h i e e e er. e n told R ght fac , right coloring, right voic , v rythi g h B h ’ ? ” e t e . t e call d for in part y way, what s your salary ” h ee t e . a w k , said girl ” h ’ l . e t e e . e t Sorry, snapp d produc r You r too a l

( 1 0 6 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

ONE OF THE most famous pieces o f dramatic criticism ever p enned appeared in an English newspaper the day after a mlet local stock company had essayed a presentation of Ha . “ ” “ F e e e the e e e ee or som tim , r ad notic , th r has b n a contro vet sy as to whether Shakespeare or Sir Francis Bacon actually

e the e h e wrot plays attribut d to t e form r . Now at last this

column is in a position to settle the question once and for all .

h Th e on e e Let t e tombs of both men be opened . who turn d ” n i h Hamlet o ver last ght is t e true author of .

96 « (c

’ NEAL O HARA tells about a dry- goods proprietor whose store burned to the ground the very day that he signed a n ew ﬁre

e The e e n o insuranc policy . company susp ct d fraud, but had

Th th the proof . e only thing e manager could do was to write “ policy holder the following note : Sir : You took out an in

n e u 1 . M ﬁr sura c policy from s at 0 A . and your e did not break M h ? ” ut i P . ill t e e o unt l . W you kindly explain d lay 96

’ A h e . e t e W ITER, said a t sty patron I must say I don t lik all ” ﬂies in this dining room . “ ’ e me e e the T ll which on s you don t lik , said conciliatory “ ’ ” w e I e e . ait r, and ll chas th m out for you 96

R G e e ei ﬁrst WHEN KER I AN and Fitzg rald mad th r trip to Paris,

e e e e im e e the th y w r v ry much pr ss d with sights, but stuck ﬁrmly to their resolve to have no truck whatever with French

. On e e e e e e ﬁn d n o girls v ning, how v r, K rrigan could Irish girl to escort on the rounds of the Montmartre night clubs and grudgingly consented to convoy a very beautiful and

e Th chic Parisi nne . e next morning Fitzgerald could hardly

( 1 9 7 ) LAUG HING STOCK

e o f h wait to ask K rrigan what kind a time e had had . Fitz ” “ e m You e e satisﬁed . g rald , boy, said K rrigan with a sigh ” e me the ie c ex kin quot to t that s is in its infancy .

THE e e SERVANT PROBLEM b ing what it is , a w althy young housewife was delighted to hear that a strong and willing girl

had just arrived from Lapland and was looking for a job .

The e i e e e e but e e e girl r ad ly cons nt d to an int rvi w, it d v lop d

she e e e e e of the e that could n ith r cook , cl an, tak car childr n , “ h Th afﬂe e e t e . e b d nor do laundry hous wif said , But my ” e can ? d ar, what you do

Th e e e e ee . young Lap proudly answ r d , I can milk r ind r

96 a

A MUSICAL COMEDY producer explained the chief diff erences “

e ee A1 e e e e e]. b tw n Jolson, Eddi Cantor, and G org J ss Jol ” “ the e i e son, said produc r, has six m llion dollars and is worri d ’ h e i that is going to lose t . Cantor hasn t got six million dollars ’ e e and is worrie d that he isn t going to get 11 . J ss l is worrie d ” that Cantor is goin g to get it .

L the e i e e e e w CHARLES EE , d mon Ph lad lphia book r vi w r, kno s an old Irish lady who was making a trip b etween Northern

e e e the e Ir land and Eir , and was stopp d at boundary lin by a

e the she stern customs ofﬁcial. She declar d that only thing “ ” e e ? had with her was a bottle of wat r . What kind of wat r

h ci l asked t e ofﬁ a . “ e e the A bottle of holy wat r from Lourd s , said lady

evenly .

e He The inspector had had experience with bottl s b efore .

( 1 0 8 )

LAUGHING STOCK

H W D Z e was O ARD IET , publicity dir ctor of MGM, complain in g to a meeting of motion-p ict ure exhibitors about the grow

“ “ e ing tendency to give the public too much for its mon y . I ” h “ e s e e e . e will t ll you how far thing hav gon , said I just h ard

e e e e e about a man in Oklahoma who w nt to a th atr wh r , for

’ ﬁfteen e he e tu e 1ct ures M e a c nts , got two f a r p , a icky Mous , n e ee e o f e e e e his wsr l , and two s ts dish s , and th n d mand d

’ ' ” money back because he didn t strike o il under his seat .

I A h e e amusm e NCIDENT LLY, t r was an g aft rmath to this story which will indicate how difﬁcult it is to trace funny stories

° e r1 1n l c e the co o a sour e . e e e back to th ir g G org J ss l , famous

e e e e the e e m dian, h ard Di tz t ll story and us d it hims lf on a radio program a few nights later with gratifying results .

e e ee s l e e e the e S v ral w k at r, Di tz, us d story again in a magazin “ e e e e e d it h e e e : e articl . Wh n J ss l r a , wir d Di tz How com ’ you re crabbing my materialp

Two CHORUS GIRLS were calmly chopping an absent mutual “ ” friend into tiny bits . “ me e the ﬁrst What annoys about Maym , said , ’ ’ ”

i e e n e . a n t got no modesty . Sh s a shri ki g Viol t “ ” “ h She mmds her e e ee t e e . Y ah , agr d s cond own busin ss ” h e h r at t top of e voice .

h m m f e e Two OLD MAID monkeys were c atter g a or st prim val . “ Just look at that deer making a fool of herself for two ” “ n The e s1 hed use li e do e o e . bucks , said oth r g , I could a ttl

e f mys l .

( 1 1 0 ) A PROMINENT Turkish- paste man promoted an audience “ ’ ” h u e s th the u a . t e with S lt n I don t ink I r call yo r nam , aid e ”

ul e fez il . S tan pl asantly, but your is fam iar 96

’ CAN T e e wh I imagin , said an indignant lady to an ali nist, y ’ my family has insisted upon dragging me to see you . What s ” wrong with loving pancakes? “ ”

ee the e e e . I Nothing at all , agr d ali nist, rath r surpris d like pancakes myself “

the . e Goody, goody, said lady You must com up to my I’ house and let me show you my collection . ve got trunks and ” e trunks full of th m .

THE IMPRESSIVE - LOOKING party in the striped trousers and “ the e e e n l the . frock coat st pp d sol m y to bar I say, old man, “ m he mouthed from under a walrus mustache . Nip e up a ” h e n e spot of w isk y with a dash of Pims Numb er O . “ ’ et i the e e . I don t g you, sa d bart nd r “ ’ The e e e e m e I m party r p at d his ord r i pati ntly . afraid I ’ ’ ”

e the ee . still don t know what you r talking about, said bark p “ ’ ’ ” e e e ? I gu ss you r English , ar n t you “ ” M e e the e e y d ar f llow, said custom r, with som dignity, ’ ” e e if I w r any more English I couldn t even talk .

ON e e e er THE ov rnight boat from Ir land to England, a pass ng “ e n if e e the : are ou accost d a u orm d charact r at rail I say, y ” the mate? “ ’ ’ h m e e the e . t e a That Oi m not, answ r d charact r Oi m n ” the that cooks mate .

( 1 1 1 ) LAUGHING STOCK

S e o the e I IMPLY gotta divorc this w man, disconsolat man “ h She e ee et explained to t e court . insist d upon k ping a p goat ’ The e e in our b edroom . sm ll got so t rrible I just couldn t stand ” e it any long r .

T e e he e . he judg shook his h ad That sounds bad, admitt d, ’ ” but couldn t you open a window? “ ” “ ? h let e et What cried t e husband . And all my pig ons g ” But?

A PRETTY young newlywed awoke early on e morning and “ ’ her h W the shook husband until e awoke with a start . hat s ? ” e he 1n u1red . matt r, darling q hazily “ ” “ en e she ﬁrml if e e e H ry Jon s, said y , I dr am onc mor that ’ e e e W e e you v kiss d anoth r oman, I will n v r talk to you again ” as long as I live . 96

WEBER WAS trying to sell his old pal Fields some accident “ ﬂit f insurance . Today you happy as a butterscotch rom ”

ﬂo wer e he e . be to ﬂow r, point d out Tomorrow you may

d r e lying prostrate in e gutt r . “

e e e . e e e e e e e . Fi lds look d sk ptical Tak M y r, p rsist d W b r

Der e he be day aft r took out a policy, had both ff ” legs and both arms cut o in an auto accident . “ ” h e . e vas vun der . I know, said Fi lds But of lucky yuns 96

A WESTERN CONGRESSMAN was recently defeated in his ﬁght

t e- He e h l for election . insert d t e fo lowmg ad in his local “ n e e : e who e me wspap r I wish to thank all thos vot d for , and my wife wishes to thank all those who

( 1 1 2 )

LAUGHING STOCK

e A KENTUCKY HILLBILLY watch d his wife cooking Victuals . “ ” “ he e b e e e e e . Bett r mov a mit , maw, sugg st d You standing ” on a live coal . “ ”

e . ? Do t ll, said maw Which foot

THE CARNIVAL BARKER pounded his chest vigorously and “ e e o il e for me said , Look what this wond rful snak has don ,

e e e e e u u . ladi s and g ntl men . Not my marv lo s constit tion

( 1 I 4) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

o ibl e t am ove 2 00 e old an d Wo uld you p m y gu ss hat I r y ars , ? ” was on e of th e original Min ute Men at Concord A farmer seemed somewhat skeptical and buttonholed the ’ “ ? ” h e t he e . barker s assistan t . Is e r ally hat old ask d “ ’ ” “ ’ I ve on l You e me the s . can t prov it by , said as istant y ” been working for him 1 2 0 years .

VOICE ON THE PHONE : Is this the Salvation Army? Y e : es . Answ r , it is ? Voice : Is it true that y ou save yo ung girls

Ye e : s . Answ r , it is

e: e e e e me on e u t . Voic W ll , pl as sav for Sat rday nigh

AN INEBRIATED GENT wandered by accident into the ceme

He e tery where a funeral service was in progress . stood sil ntly “ th e o fﬁciatin e e e e by until g minist r inton d, Ash s to ash s , ” The n e e e e . e dust to dust i briat d g nt nodd d sol mnly and , in “ ” a e e be e ? loud voic , inquir d, Could anything fair r than that

’ YES N e e e Ah fo ﬁn e s ! , I DEEDY, boast d Sist r Jon s , has ons ” een ie Meen ie n e E e . , , Mi i , and Franki “ ” ” e ? th e ? Why Franki asked e Visitor . Aft r Sinatra ” “ ’ ’ ’

e e . e we Partly, said Sist r Jon s But princip ly caus don want no Mo ! ”

ND W G er e e her e e A LO ON DO A ER, v y hard of h aring, visit d ni c

e her The in Edinburgh , and w nt with to church on Sunday .

e the e e h er ear-t e e n d acon at door y d rump t with de p suspicio . “ He e her the e e e her On e tapp d on should r and r mind d , toot ’ ” and ye re oot! ( 1 I 5 ) LAUG HING STOCK

T o f the e e - New e red A EVERY STOP Los Ang l s York plan , a gasoline truck dashed onto the ﬁeld to replenish the fuel sup

the W n e e the ply . At ashi gton airport a pass ng r said to young “ e e e e e e e e e lady s at d b sid him , This plan sur do s mak tim , ’ ” “ “ e it ? It e l e she ee red do sn t c rtain y do s , agr d, but that ” truck seems to keep right up with us l

G WAS e but e e ORDON a happily marri d man, wh n a b autiful

e th e e e the e he e the blond in hot l lobby gav him busin ss , w nt

e the e he way of all ﬂ sh , and forgot all about conv ntion was

fe ee e s e - supposed to be attending . A w w ks lat r a sini t r looking party with a suspicious bulge in his right- hand pocket mus ’ “ e e wee - en d n tu . cl d into Gordon s i n r sanc m Bud , about dis k ” me f e in he e the wid goil ri nd Atlantic City, b gan, out of “ e h Ir e we corn r of is mouth . just so happ ns gotta coupla ” J e fu h z e e He e pitch rs o t e two of y e down d r . spr ad six com ’ p ro m1s 1n g photographs on Gordon s desk and stood back to “

e h ff e e e e . e obs rve t e e ect . Gordon r spond d imm diat ly B auti ” “ ’ e e ful ! Simply beautiful ! he beamed . I ll take thre ach of ” th e ﬁrst ﬁve an d half a dozen o f the last o n e !

THE DENTIST stood back and shook his head at the young h i “ ” h ’ in t e . M e e . e e thing cha r y d ar, said I don t lik to t ll you ’ “ e o t e e e e this , but you v g acut pyorrh a N v r mind that now, ”

e the . et Doctor, snapp d young thing J ust g on with your ” e d ntistry .

FRED ALLEN knows a man who is such a heel that his stocking hi f hangs m up o r Christmas .

( 1 1 6 )

LAUGHING STOCK

’ e e fﬁc A PATIENT was ush r d into a famous psychiatrist s o e . “ ’ ” “ I ve o t he e . ee g a strang hallucination, said I k p imagining

t e e . are m hat horribl littl black bugs crawling over e . Look

e e are e o f h e e h r a coupl undr d of th m on my arm right now .

The t e h psychia rist blanched and push d t e patient away . ’ ” h “ ’ l e ee e e e . et For God s sak , k p your distanc , cri d You l g

e e me th m all ov r .

PAT HURLEY swears that in the part of Oklahoma he hails ’ e e e e e e from, th r s so littl wat r that you can t ll wh n a school of h im ﬁs is sw mln g upriver by the cloud of dust it raises . 96

THE PRINCIPAL of a school in the Kentucky moonshin e coun “ ” tr e e e e e ? y ask d a gangly scholar, How much is s v n and s v n ) “ ” “ ’ Ten h e I e t e . , hazard d scholar W ll , ll mark you passing, “ ’

a the r1n ci al seein as mls ed o n e . s id p p , how you only s it by 96

Two VETERANS o f World War On e met in Baltimore. Re member that saltpeter they used to put into our food in Camp ” “ ” “ ’ ‘ ? h e L in 1 1 o n e e t e . ee 8 e . 9 ask d I sur do , said Oth r It s

h s st e effe e t e ﬁr t . arting to tak ct now, mourn d

ONE OF THE great story- tellers of our day is Harry Hersh h His e e e e e eld . bigg st laugh at a r c nt dinn r was scor d with “ h ee e e t e story of Mandelbaum in a drugstore . I n d m dicin “

the roscree shun he the . but I lost it p p , told druggist Can ” “ you remember the name o f the medicine? It sounds like ” “ ” “ ’ o he N ? e ? s me eg city . ew York London? Liv rpool Dot s ’ it ! e Cart r s Little Liverpools .

( 1 1 8 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

ANOTHER HERSHFIELD classic : A henpecked husband was

- n ht only allowed to play in nickel limit poker games . O e nig “ - fe he broke bounds and lost twenty ﬁve dollars . My wi will ” “ ’ ill m h e If e e e e e e to . k , moan d a fri nd you don t l nd m th ’ ” H e ve him e I e e be e o e . is mon y, ll n v r abl to g hom fri nd ga “ -ﬁ h e e e e . the twenty ve . A f w mom nts lat r was back I had ” “ ’ he o o u e me ten o a s a happy thought, said . C uldn t y l nd d ll r ? ’ ” more I d like to prove to her I was the big winn er .

’ ROB ERT BROWNING S most obscure and difﬁ cult poem is $ 01 ” n its s e bafﬂed e n th e o o o et dello . O e of pas ag s ve L nd n P ry

e s e e it . own n e o e Society . Th y a k d him to xplain Br i g r ad it v r “ e e e a en o e a twic , shrugg d his should rs, and s id, Wh I wr t th t , ”

e ea n ow Go d a on e n o s . God and I kn w what it m nt, but l k w

AN ENGLISHMAN was out fishin g with a Main e guide on e “ n ha morni g and had an exceptionally good run o f luck . W t ” “ ’ n ! n e e e a jolly outi g he exclaimed . Do you thi k w ll b abl ” to fin d this exact spot again tomorrow? “ ’ l ’ ” h l I e e l t e e . ll t l you what w l do , said guid grumpi y ’ ’ We ll put a cross on the bow of the boat so we ll know just ” e e wh r to come . The Englishman pondered o ver this for a few moments “ ’ ’ I m ld we o a . o and said, afraid that won t do , ch p Supp sing ’ ” can t fin d this boat in the morning? 96

F e e e e : e are o u ? EMININE VOICE ov r t l phon H llo , y Harry

s e e : e e am om Ma culin voic Not sp cially, lady, but I far fr

a b ld .

( I I 9 ) LAUGHING STOCK

A SMART MERCHANT on i 4th Street put a display of n ew

eve e e his a th n ning dr ss s in window, long with e following sig : “ e e r e h These dr ss s a e built like a fence . Th y protect t e prop ” the e erty but do not obstruct vi w .

A MAN who had never b efore spent a night on a train took the

e th e e Owl f rom New York to Boston . Just b fore e train r ach d “ ’ h r o the e e his . t e e S uth Station , port r brush d coat What s av ” h age tip on this train? asked t e traveler . “ ”

s the r e . Two dollars, aid po t r promptly “ The e er e 2 an d sa You u m e u1te trav l gav him 8 id, m st ak q f ” a lot o money on this job . “ Y m n s the o er. ou Not as much as you ight thi k , aid p rt ’ ” is de ﬁrst average I se had in six months .

“ MY G A e e - e Com R NDFATHER, boast d a nouv au rich from l h ” mon wea th e e t e . Av nu , fought in Zulu War “ ’ ” illi e e H te . On You don t say, drawl d a B acon which ” side?

G o r a u the t to SPEAKIN b thing in famo s springs, said ramp “ ’ the tour1st t e the n of 86 , I ba h d in spri g

’ M031: a e o n the ee e a ur DROPPED quart r str t, but aft r a h lf ho s i se he e hn d t . e arch was unabl to His companion inquir d, “ ’ ” son s ab e to ﬁn d two ? Say, , wa n t you l that bits “ ’ “ No s the VlCtlm e e but m e , I wa n t, r pli d, I ight hav if ’ ” you hadn t helped me so much .

( 1 2 0 )

LAUGHING STOCK

G her e A IRL and aunt work d in an aircraft factory . A thug

e e al e e e o n The n co grabb d th ir s ary nv lop s e day . girl fou d a p “ ’ ’

s e I ve ee e . and ga p d, b n robb d of my pay and my aunt s pay “ the - e e the an d e me Cut out pig Latin, sugg st d cop , t ll ” what really happened . 96

’ A TYPOGRAPHER S Christmas card to his daughter Girls who eat their spinach have legs like this Girls who ride horseback have legs like this : Girls who get drunk have legs like this : And girls who use good judgment have legs like this : X (The daughter sent it to Walter Winchell and achieved immortality . )

’ ” “ s e eo e e se] ? Ter A FRIEND a k d G rg J s , How s your Ma ” “ ’ ”

e e e . e o e s . ribl , said G org Sh s got chr m frontal sinusiti “ ” “ ’ e e she et t ? F Readers Dz Good Lord, wh r did g hat rom

h re 1 . gest . S e ad about t last month

e A WORRIED LADY drove a rather battered Buick into a garag . “ Do you thin k you can ﬁx these front fenders so my husband ’ x1 l won t know I banged them up? she inquired an ous y . “ ’ The e e e e e We xp ri nc d garag man said, can t do that, lady, but we can ﬁx them so that you can ask him tomorrow what h ” in heck e did to them .

’ e ee e i A FAMOUS NOVELIST S agent wor a d p frown all ev n ng . “ ’ Fin ally the no velis t asked what was troubling him . It s a “ e e e n i the e . dr am I had last ght, ag nt said I dr am d that you

( 1 2 2 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

wrote a novel that was chosen by the Book- of- the - Month

e i e Club , sold ov r a m llion copi s and was bought by MGM for 15 “ ’ ” What s so terrible about that? said the novelis t . ” h h u The e is e . e u e ag nt shook h ad sadly I wok p , said, j st

e e e befor I coll ct d my 1 0 % commission .

MY e e e ﬁrst th e n ew FATHER and moth r w r cousins , pupil “ ’ a e h expl ined to his teacher . I gu ss t at s why I look so much ” alike .

t le e the 8 : 1 I LEFT a bo t of bond d scotch on 5 this morning, an unhappy commuter told the attendant at the lost - and “ “ ” in ? n . Are e t u e e found wi dow you sur nobody rn d it Nop , h “ ’ t e e e e e . said att ndant . Your bottl isn t h r But if you wait a ’ i e e e the t . minut , I think w v got guy who found

Two A m he BE RDED Polish merchants et at t Warsaw station . “ ? ” “ ” e e are e the ﬁrst . was Wh r you bound for ask d Minsk,

th n e a swer . “ ” ’ ha l he me Ah snorted t other . You don t fool for a

e s cond . You tell me Min sk so I should thin k you are going ’ th o to Pinsk . All e time I know perfectly well you re going t ” Min sk !

MY W LEG me e the OODEN is giving a lot of pain, sigh d “ ” e n h pati nt . How can a wooden leg give you pai ? t e doctor “ e Th . e e e i e M e me o e the e ask d pati nt xpla n d, y wif hit v r h ad w i ith r.

( 1 2 3) LAUGHING STOCK

GREENBAUM SOUGHT out the proprietor o f the Idle Hour “ e e e The f the e d licat ss n and said, ood by Idl Hour is wary

e e are de a ? good, min fri nd, but why you so stingy with br d ” m e Every night you give only two slices brad . The next night the proprietor saw that he had three slices o f e e ee e br ad on his platt r, but Gr nbaum grumbl d again as “ ” he e ee e . e the paid his ch ck, Only thr slic s brad Four slic s n ext night and ﬁve slices the night after still failed to satis fy

e he e the e e e Finally, wh n cam marching into d licat ss n on

h he e t e e e e t . Saturday night, propri tor whisp r d to wait r

e Here comes that kicker Greenbaum again . Tak a long

e e e Fr nch loaf of br ad, cut it in two , and shut him up onc and ” for all . The bread that the waiter dug up for Greenbaum was

" he check the ﬁve ee . e fully f t long As paid his , propri tor

( 1 2 4)

LAUGHING STOCK

MY UNCLE HERBERT from Vermont was mailing an order to i h h “ is e . e e t e e d e h butch r in Boston F rst b gan not , Kin ly s nd ” ’ two e . ee he e e goos s That didn t s m right, so start d ov r again “ ” ’

h isﬁe . H with Kindly send two geeses . Still e wasn t sat d e “ se e le ﬁn all e m e ttl d his di mma by writing y , Kindly s nd a ” “

e he e e e P. . e goose . Th n sign d his nam and add d a S : S nd i ” another o n e with t .

A SIX - FOOT- FOUR hunk of man with a ﬁy e- day growth of

e e e e e b ard on his fac barg d into a D nv r saloon, shot out all the the e e e e e e e lights in chand li r, tor a t l phon dir ctory in half, an d then tossed o ff six straight Scotches without pausing to take breath . Sweeney had never seen anything like it in his “ ’ e e k e e ee tw nty y ars of bar eepin g . I don t r ckon I ev r s n you ” “ e he e a e e e . e around h r b for , said admiringly Wh r y from, ” stranger? The uninvited guest spat squarely into a cuspidor fourteen “ ’ ee the e I m e f t from bar and growl d, down from Crippl

e e e me out the e e e e Cre k . Th y thr w of mining camp th r b caus ” e I was too eff minate .

OLD G n e the o he e e MONEYBA S ow d half t wn, but look d lik

e e an accident on lts way to happen . Girls scr am d in horror

T i e at his touch . en n a row refused to marry him d spite his ”

e . e e e e w alth Wh n still anoth r said no , Mon ybags sigh d , “ ’ ’ You re the eleventh dame to whom I ve proposed without ” avail . “ e a o n e e e she e ed Try w aring good thick n xt tim , sugg st , ” and you may get a better break .

( 1 2 6 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

THE INQUIRING REPORTER from PMwas making th e rounds

- of the cracker barrel set in a New Hampshire grocery . “ ” “ he o n e e e e e the Pop , said to old codg r, can you r m mb r ? ” ﬁrst girl you ever kissed The old man gave a hollow laugh . “ ” “ ’ h e e e r e en e e e the Son, r mark d d ily, I can t v r m mb r last

0116 .

RS n e e e e e MR. AND M . Gui a Pig found th ms lv s surround d by “ 2 2 - If we a pack of 0 snarling dogs and fo rty two huntsmen . ”

n l Mr. e o can o y hold out for two hours , said Guin a Pig pti “ ’ ” misticall e e o e . y , w ll utnumb r th m

f h e o e a MRS . e o t e o e e HENNESSY, wif t wn bum, r c iv d a n t th t “ e e e e the ee r ad , L av a thousand dollars und r cottonwood tr ’ Pizitz e e e in Squar Tu sday night , or w ll kidnap your hus ’ “ h e n e e see n . S e e ba d and you ll n v r him agai answ r d, I ’ ’ e I m co on ou hav n t got any thousand dollars, and unting y boys to keep your promise

AN A GU S F e e o e the e e e N I HED EMALE voic shrill d v r t l phon , “ Two young men are trying to get into my room through th e window . “ ’ h e t e e . e e . Sorry, lady, was r ply You v mad a mistak ’ ’ h ” e t e e e e . This isn t Police H adquarters . It s Fir D partm nt “ ” “ ’ h the e e . t e e I know that, said voic impati ntly It s Fir ’ e e I m f e The men ee e D partm nt a t r . young n d a bigg r lad ” d r e .

: e m e e in he e . t u t FRESHMAN Giv a shov l, quick P rcival is s ck h mud up to his s o etop s . ( I 2 7 ) LAUGHING STOCK

’ ? Sophomore : Why do esn t he walk out ’ Freshman : He s in head ﬁrst .

THE CITY GIRL asked a dairyman why cream was so much “ ’ ’ ’ ” he ul e e e e . t mor xp nsiv than milk It s cows fa t, ma am, was “ e hn d e the the explanation . Th y it much hard r to sit on small ” e bottl s .

- e e the A LOUD MOUTHED, showy Am rican tourist had a s at at ﬁn ish line of the Oxford- Cambridge crew race that directly

e the adjoined the box reserved for the royal family . Whil

c e the e et e rowd sat pati ntly waiting for rac to g und r way, some diving boys appeared and everybody began throwing

h Th merlcan pen nies into t e river . e A ran out of his English

change and ostentatiously threw some 85 gold pieces into

d e th e the stream . Su denly a man in liv ry tapped him on “ ” “ he e h e 0 e . t e e e e should r For lov of h av n , sir, whisp r d , st p ’

e the . throwing those 85 gold pieces . You ll hav King diving

TEACHER : What do elephants have that no other an 1mals have?

e Willi : Little elephants .

A COUNTRY GENTLEMAN with a b1g valise walked down the

e e th railroad track and tapp d a busy s ction hand on e shoulder . “ ” “ He e e he e e e et the e e y , f ll r, ask d, wh r do I g Empir Stat Express ? “ ’ If et o ff the e e you don t g that track , s ction hand inform d “ ’ ”

et e the e . him, you ll g it squar in b hind

( 1 2 8 )

LAUGHING STOCK

e e e e e e th the cem nt pav m nt lik a shot, and f tch d up in e cel O e e e e e e] lar . His mat s cam down with a barr l xp cting to shov u the e e e e e p pi c s , but th r was good old Finn gan rubbing his “ head and chucklin g to himself . Thank the Good Lord for ” “

Ir e f . e e e e he . that concr t pav m nt , said brok my all

’ Du A HOUSEPAINTER started working in Mrs . Fois parlor at ’ ’

Ar : 1 . Eu 9 o clock o n e Monday morning . 9 5 Mrs Fois rov

e e e e n ma n iﬁcen t e ing y r st d admiri gly on his g physiqu , and ’ she suggeste d that he drop his work for a few moments chit h c her Th e e e er e . hat with . e paint r r adily compli d with wish s

0 e e the At 1 0 : 3 the entire process was rep ated . Wh n noon

e the e e whistle bl w, paint r pull d out his lunch and sat back

2 1 D 1 . u with a contented sigh to enjoy it . At : 5 Mrs Fois “ ” e in The e e beckon d to him aga . paint r shook his h ad no “ t e er e . his tim , and said v y mphatically, Nothing doing lady

NO1 on my time .

96 «

’ I WITZ d ﬁn i l r R HL MO S e te . M . S tailor shop was y bank upt In

a e e u o f f e the e ee e e f ct, v ry s ck urnitur in plac had b n r mov d e e ee- e e the e e e xc pt an old thr l gg d stool and t l phon , which

h f m rn m Mr e e be e t e o . was sch dul d to yank d out ollowing g, Shlimowitz was aroused from a dark- brown reverie by the

m m h e hoit - e in s istent r g g of t e tel phone bell . A y toity voic “ ” h e e f Mr P ? n e t e e o . . . i quir d, Is this r sid nc J Morgan “ ” hlimo witz the ﬁrst i e Mr. S Oi, said , smiling for t m in

ee e the e ! four w ks, hav you got wrong numb r

GUY A S o f the World Herald e WILLI M , Omaha , had his ars pin ned back by a nice old lady to whom he had urgently

( 1 39 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

’ ’ un ~ recommende d a volume of Shakespeare s plays . I can t ” d e s e she derstan why you all mak uch a fuss ov r that man, “ ’ he s e told him after she had looked over the book . All don

e e e e e - is string tog th r a whol lot of v ry old, w ll known quo

tation s .

AN OLD TIMM P sidled up to the back door o f a little English tavern called the George and Dragon and beckoned to the “ ’ ’ ” n eat ee he landlady . I ai t had nuthin to for thr days, “ ” e e n o ld a e o f e ? wh edled . Would you spar a man bit dinn r “ ” o - - o e the I should say not, you go d for nothing l af r, said

d e h t e e . lan lady, and slamm d door in his fac ’ was The tramp s face reappeared at the kitchen window . I “ ’ he if ave or two h just said , I could a word wit ” George .

MOTHER ( en terin g ro om un expectedly ) : Mabel ! G et right ’ down from that young man s knee !

e hi . ﬁr t : o e e s . Mab l N t ng doing, Ma I got h r

I e the e s ed WHEN PR VATE JONES l ft for South S a , his girl cri as though her heart would break and vowed that she would

e e he e her m e be tru to him . For two y ars carri d i ag in his

e h . e o n e e e e e n e e h art Th n , day, r c iv d a curt ot which b gan, ’ ”

e Mr. e : e e e a for ou she D ar Jon s I hav d cid d I c n t wait y , “ ’ The e . e to r me an d he has wrot bank r s son wants mar y , ” e m e e e e . etu e alr ady giv n a mink coat Pl as r rn my pictur .

e e e h e e Jon s burn d for two days . Th n e coll ct d every pic

e the n e e 1e tur in camp , includi g moth rs , grandmoth rs , mov

-u H h c n e e . e e e o o pin p girls, and nak d nativ s s nt t wh le colle ti

( 1 3 1 ) LAUGHING STOCK

’ to his ex- girl with a penciled note: I don t rememb er exactly who are e ese ea e a e you , but if your pictur is among th , pl s t k h m ” it o ut and send t e rest back to e.

’ Mo cULL s FRIENDS convinced him that the Missis was spend “ ’ ” h th n h in e . I e er e ot g too much mon y ll r ad act tonig t, “ ’ l th the e do a swore Mogu l. For e rest of year sh s going to ” l n lzi litt e eco om n g .

The next day they asked him h ow he had made out . ” “ ’ ”

h I m 1 m . re e . v e o G at, said g g up pok r, liquor, and tobacc

L OPO GODOWSKI th e er was E LD , famous compos and pianist,

h1m s n su e . e wa o bj ct to insomnia His son, who liv d with , ,

the a e e o ee e . Go contrary, v ry h avy and s und sl p r It was ’

. e 1 e he cu a dowski Sr s amiabl hab t, wh n was having a parti l rly ’ bad o m e e t night , to g into his son s roo , shak him into r luctan “ ’ ’ e e the e Leo ? ou wak fuln ss , and say, What s matt r, Can t y sleep either ?

BI W th e e e eat in a n LL WOOD ARD, historian, r fus s to lamb y

f He e. o rm . insists it has a woolly tast

96 « (c

A CRANKY old party awoke with a stomachache in the middle “ ’ I ve a of the night and called up his doctor . got stomach ”

ac e he e e . h , r port d

The e e e e doctor was annoy d and said, Tak som bicarbonat

f e me o soda . Stop both ring “ ’m The e I . cranky old party contrit ly said, sorry, Doc I guess it was pretty thoughtless of me to wake you up in the

( 1 32 )

LAUGHING STOCK

’ W e the I OULDN T DREAM of paying for this pictur , rich “ n e It e me u matron barked at the portrait pai t r . mak s look j st ” “ ”

e e . e lik a gargoyl You should hav thought of that, said h “ t e n e e e e it . pai t r coldly, b for you commission d

( 1 34) THIS WAY T O THE JOKES

IT WAS ALWAYS considered qu1te the thing for American

o n s e the e the o t urists to i p ct Louvr in Paris , although kn wl edge of most of them as far as art was concerned was con

u i e ﬁn ed to the Varga girls in Esq ire Magaz n e . Th y tell about on e honeymoon couple that pulled up in front of the main “ ’ ”

h . e t n e . e ou e e e t e n ra c T ll y what l t s do , sugg st d husband “ ’ You walk around the in s ide an d I ll walk around the out ’ ” n side an d I ll meet y ou here in twenty mi utes . It is further related that when this couple returned to their “ o e l e e e e e ou e e h m in Chil icoth , som body ask d th m, Wh n y w r ” r se th e ? in Pa is , did you Mona Lisa “ ” If the o e a the r e ﬁrml we ee it was in L uvr , s id b id y , s n

W e e e ee e sc es ou A J E ELER whos ing nuity xc d d his rupl , b ght ’ several thousand dollars worth of precious stones on credit .

He e cofﬁn e e e e e e put th m all into a , r nt d a h ars , and h ad d for

n the h Canada with his loot . O Canadian side of t e Inter n ational Bridge at Niagara Falls a custo ms inspector stopped “ ’ ” him a s ? and s id, What s thi “ ’ ? ” h ’ s e e . Can t you e said t e dealer . It s a fun ral ” i h r un n est e e e saw t e ec o . F fun ral I v r , said customs insp t ” Where are the mourners? “ ’ ” I ll e th e me e e e . e t ll you , said j w l r Som will co in thirty

e e the e o e in days , som will com in sixty days , and r st will c m ” nin ety days .

SHIMELHAUSER had been a member of the Happiness March in g and Chowder Club for less than a mon th when an elim

( 1 35 ) LAUGHING STOCK

e he in atio n boxing tournam nt was announced . T man who ’ had proposed Shim elhauser for membership told him he d have to enter the tournament to show that he was a goo d fel

himelhauser e e e low . S had n v r hit anything in his lif except

We he e e e e e o e an d h n wrapp d his Ch vrol t around a t l graph p l , he e t hi ﬁrs - e ame look d forward o s t bout with ill conc aled p .

e he e e e the ﬁ ht e see Wh n cam hom aft r g , his wif could that

H e e e een e e . e e his worst f ars had b r aliz d was in t rribl shap , “ ”

e e . M and his h ad was bloody and bow d y poor husband , im l e Sh e hauser e . cri d Mrs . , bursting into t ars “ ’ ”

the e Shimelhauser. e You don t know worst, gasp d Th y m ” h won . tell e I go tta ﬁg t again tomorro w n ight . I

’ ’ IT s OBVIOUS that that old skin ﬂin t isn t going to pay an y

" ” a e to the s I se t a e his e on e tt ntion bill n him, d ntist told wif “ ’ ”

m to e c e in er o . morning. I going up his hous an d oll ct p s n “ A e ca see n ou he was oo e . I n h r lat r back, l king v ry glum ’ ” b he o e e n u . y your fac that did t pay y , said his wif “ ’ ” He o me s the e rue ul not nly didn t . pay , aid d ntist f ly, ” he me ee but bit with my own t th .

Two INMA’I‘ES of the local asylum were sun mn g themselves on the porch when a farmer drove by with a wagonload o f “ ” a He e e o e the n f e e . n of rtun a m nur y , farm r, call d u o t s, “ ” what y a gonn a do with all that manure? “ e e e th e ar e Put it on my strawb rri s , call d back f m r ” m e us H ﬁ s the e to e . p , aid inmat his fri nd And th y call ” crazy .

A CONCEITED AUTHOR was boasting about his genius to a sour

( 1 36 )

LAUGHING STOCK

- G f ee the A RED NOSED ENT, who was obviously our sh ts to

e e e . He wind , sat rocking hims lf vigorously on a hot l v randa

e e be e e app ar d to having quit a discussion with hims lf, and f punctuated this monologue with requent peals of laughter .

e few n e e e he e Ev ry mi ut s , how v r, would bring hims lf up “ ” me e short and mutter a disgusted phooey . Two n watch d

n his performance with some amusement for a while . O e of “ ’ ” e ﬁn all e on e e h e ? th m y ask d him, What s going h r , brot r “ ” am e e e the r h I t lling mys lf jok s , said d unk, and I mus ” r e say they a e extr mely funny . ” ’ e e the e a the e se W ll , th n , said oth r, wh t s id a of tho ‘ ’ ” violent phooeys every now and then? “ ” the e e e l That, said drunk with som dignity, is wh n I t l ” e e e h e e e mys lf a jok I hav ard b for .

THE GREATEST OPTIMIST in Kincaid County was the elder

l t e the e n Schu tz boy; his young bro h r, on oth r ha d, was a con

e e e e ut un ﬁrmed p ssimist . Th ir Christmas presents w r laid o

der th re The e s ee e e e same t e. p ssimi t got thr cas s of tw nty “ ” “ - Dun n r t r h e am e o ld . e vet e e n y ar Scotch , groan d, I goi g to have an awful hangover!

The e l e . Optimist got a bag of f rti iz r Goody, goody, said “ ” h e e me e ! e. Som body has giv n a hors

i l t l h THE Da l B as e r. e t e t e y gav Wi kins, J , a job as r por r for

Ve e e e e . e dver ry xc ll nt r ason that Wilkins , Sr , was its bigg st a ’ in i ﬁrst n e to e tis g account . Young W lkins assig m nt was cov r the most important society wedding the town had had in

e e e n th e tw nty years . Lat that veni g e ditor found Wilkins ’ w fee h e ith his t on t e desk reading the comic strips . Wher s

( 1 38 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

e e ? e e the that w dding story I s nt you for d mand d editor . “ ’ ” “

I m . It e e sorry, sir , said Wilkins turns out th r is no

The e story . brid groom ran away last night with some strip ” i e h e e o ff t e e e . t as art st, so th y had to call whol w dding

MY e m e e co n ﬁded SPONSOR thr w a big dinn r last night , “ ’ ”

e e m e . Milton B rl , but it didn t hit

R A LAREN e the e e e M . M CC climb d onto Riv rsid Driv bus

He e the e trailin g a heavy suitcase behin d him . hand d condu tor a nickel and waxed very indignant when the conductor informed him that the fare on the Riverside Drive line was h t m m e . e e e e e t e e a di Aft r a h at d xchang , conductor lost his

l r ff the e h e Mr. Mac a en o r e e . e C p compl t ly First thr w bus , ’ e he acClaren s e ﬂun it and th n picked up Mr. M suitcas and g

e h Mr ov r t e parapet into the Hudson River below . . Mac Claren shook his ﬁst after the disappearing bus and shrieked “ ’ e e e e me in a rag , It s not nough that you tri d to murd r in ’ dirrrrt e e me so cold blood, you y dog, but you v drown d n

Jock .

ED WYNN tells a story about the man who was driving with

e th She his wif in e midst of a violent rainstorm . was bawling

him u e e e e e out nm rcifully wh n sudd nly, to his d light d sur

e she e e e e her pris , stopp d talking ntir ly and sat sil ntly shaking ’ e f He e h ad vigorously from le t to right . didn t want to qu stion

he e the ee his luck , so drov through rain for half an hour p r

e e th ing straight ah ad . Th n he looked over and found out e ’ e e h caus of it all . His wif s nose had gotten caught in t e wind

s e e hi ld wip r .

( 1 39 ) LAUGHING STOCK

’ IT HAD N T snowed in a certain Southern metropolis for

e t e e e the tw n y y ars , but this particular v ning city was blan keted in e e e e e e e e o whit , and Clancy xp ri nc d a sudd n d sir to g “ ” hi e e e . If e he s for a sl igh rid I only had a sl igh, told wif , “ ’

e f e I d e e . what a wond r ul tim hav tonight, b gad “ ”

e e e e e him . Your fri nd Milligan has a sl igh, his wif r mind d “ ’ ’ ” I m sure he d be glad to loan 1t to you . “ ” “ let e e ee . A gr at id a, agr d Clancy I know Milligan will i ’ ” o . me have r. I ll g and ask him ’ The e e was e path to Milligan s hous , unfortunat ly, studd d w e his t e e ith saloons , and Clancy f lt it du y to b stow patronag

f h ﬁrs he e e on e . e t e t on ach A t r saloon, was still in a rath r “ e h o e ll happy mood, and said to hims lf, I p Milligan wi loan ’ ” il u me e e he be I a . that sl igh , but mayb w l afraid ll sm sh it p

e e he ee s e belli er Aft r his s cond stop , was f ling lightly mor g “ ’ It be t o f he let me en t . will a dirty rick Milligan if won t ’ ” take that sleigh when he is n t usin g it himself . “ ’ H the e e If e let me e told third bart nd r, Milligan do sn t ’ use e wl e e the that sl igh , by all that s holy, I i l n v r talk to rap ” scallion again . After his twelfth drink Clancy was really spoiling for a ’ h He e e 2 : 0 ﬁg t . pull d up in front of Milligan s hous about 3 ’

A M . e e e s . , pick d up a ston and s nt it crashing through Milligan

e e e b edroom window. A mom nt lat r Milligan, purpl with “

e e e th e e . rag , app ar d at brok n window What son of Satan ? ” threw that stone he demanded . “ ” ’

e n ﬁst . e I did, cri d Clancy, shaki g his And what s mor ,

e - e r e you can tak that blank blank sl igh of you s , y stingy old ”

e . blank , and shov it down your throat

( 1 4 9 )

LAUGHING STOCK

FARMER HIGGINS was showing his poultry ranch to a fas “ e1 e e e l c1n ated young ty dwell r . How do you manag to t l ” h ? sh e the ganders from t e geese e ask d . “ ’ e e the I don t do too much worrying about that, xplain d “ ’ e e e let em ﬁ ure farmer . I just turn th m all out tog th r and g ” e it out for th mselves .

K s o o n e e the I COO ED a p g cak for you , darling, said young “ ’

e e fo r s t . brid , puck ring a ki s , but it didn t urn out right I ” think the grocer sent me the wrong kind of sponges .

T E r H Mr e ea . M . KEEPER found little . Snoop v ry sy to satisfy

i The e e Snoop rather fancied h mself as an Izaak Walton . k ep r

e e e the simply p rch d him on top of a ladd r, at foot of which he set e r an mpty pail . M . Snoop would sit happily for hours

the n e dangling a string in and out of pail . O e day anoth r “ ” ee e e e b ? h e e k p r saunt r d y . Catch anything e inquir d pl as an tly . “ ’ be Don t a loon, said Snoop indignantly . How can you catch anything by dangling a piece of string in an empty kitchen pail?

' AHILLB ILLY and his bride came to Pittsburgh for their hon eymo on and bought tickets for the performance of a touring

At the en d th ﬁrst the re . e musical show of act, hillbilly p sented himself at the box ofﬁce and paid extra to have

" e Ten his s ats changed from the balcony to the orchestra ﬂoor .

e f e the e e he the minut s a t r s cond act start d , was back at box “ ” “ ’ th e m . e . e e e he e e o Giv our mon y back , d mand d That s ’ ” he t same bum show that s playin g upstairs .

( 1 4 2 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

L W H e he INSCOTT AS passing out cigars . e announc d that had “ ” e i ? e just receiv d a bundle from heaven . Boy or g rl ask d an

adoring secretary . “ ”

e e e e . . N ith r, b am d Linscott It was my laundry

He AN ENGLISHMAN spent a hectic fortnight in America . n ever did manage to get himself stra1ghten ed out o n the “ It e e n ames and uses of American currency . was p rf ctly ” am n k e e he azi g how quic ly I got us d to Am rican ways , told “ e e e his fri nds when he got back to London . Tak thos bally

e n s l e . e a Am rican coi and bi ls , for instanc Wh n I got out of

a us t r all the e e the e t xi, I j th ust Am rican mon y I had at driv r

d let ﬁ ur an e h e . him g out t e corr ct amount Do you know, I was e e — to absolut ly right ev ry time . It took just what I had the last penny

JOHN STRALEY recalls a town meeting in Minnesota where the subj e ct of discussion was a proposed bridge over the local

ee Th e e cr k . e stimat d cost was and a small clique was

e e e d t rmin d to railroad the proposition through . No opposi t was e e e il e Ole e ion ncount r d unt sudd nly Ols n, a frugal citi zen horriﬁed the e e e e e the , at siz and appar nt us l ssn ss of proi “ ” ect e e e he e . e e . , l ap d to his f t Dat is vun awful vast , shout d “ ’ e e ee — ﬁft t ousan d ? V It For a bridg ov r dat cr k y dollar y , ’ f ” ain t worth nutting . I can spit hal vay across dat creek .

The the ee e e r chairman of m ting bang d down his gav l . M . ” h “ ” e e e are e . Ols n, roar d, you out of ord r “ e e le e the Dot is right, answ r d O in a b llow that shook l “If ’ — ’ bui ding . I vasn t out of order I could Splt all d vay ” a cross .

( 1 4 3) LAUGHING STOCK

REX e e e e the e e ve STOUT, b whisk r d cr ator of fabulous d t cti ,

e W f e e e N ro ol , was a pass ng r aboard a crowd d Madison

n An e e e Avenue bus o e day . aggr ssiv littl man battled his way ’ to e e e e Stout s sid and, unabl to r ach a strap , forthwith clutch d ’ the e l a strand of author s b ard in a grip of iron . Stout sp ut “ o e for f ﬁn all e e l t r d indignantly a ull block and y d mand d, wi l ” you kindly take your paws away from my beard? “ ’ ” h the e e ? t e e . Are ou What s matt r, mist r said littl man y gettin g off ?

( 1 44)

LAUGHING STOCK

AN ARMY CHAPLAIN aboard a troop train was in obvious dis

e an d e e e e e was tr ss, a color d corporal cam ov r to ask if th r h “ ’ e e . I be the anything could do to h lp him ll all right, said “ e e m chaplain car fully . Th y gave e three shots this morning ” and it sort of knocked me out . ’ ” he e se e t . ee I sho und rstand, commi rat d corporal Thr shots of the stuff they sells around this state would knock ” anybody out .

e e e . I MADE my husband a marbl cak , pout d Mrs Falk, and h ‘ ’ ’ e ffe e e e e I e fo r e . wh n I o r d him a pi c , said, ll tak it granit

’ LITTLE MARY S MOTHER and father both fancied themselves

as s . e e violinist In front of both of th m a visitor ask d Mary, “ e e e r Who do you think plays b tt r, your moth r or you father?

en d the Mary, who will probably up in diplomatic corps, “ ”

e e e e . answ r d, H if tz

MINISTER : Is your grandfather at home? ’ Junior : I ain t seen him . ’ ’ ? Minister : You haven t seen him . Where s your grammar h Junior : In the kitchen making up to t e iceman . 96

AT A RECENT meeting of the Twentieth Century Benevolent

Mr f e e e an e ee Association, . Wol d liv r d impassion d sp ch on

e The e the subj ect of the steadily dwindling attendanc . r ason ” “ he ee i : the is, said, that our m ting hall is always d rty chairs are never dusted ; everyone who uses it throws cigar butts and

e e tu h r Mr w we ee t e ﬂo o s . . cigar tt s bs on Chairman, hat n d here is a cuspidor!

( 1 4 6) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

e the Mr e e r . In a co n r of hall sat Hirsch , a qui t littl man

“ all his t e e e e e e e who , in w nty y ars of r gular att ndanc , had n v r ’

f e e e e e . Mr. li t d his voic to criticiz , prais or sugg st Wolf s

e e e e e ee he e stat m nts, how v r, mov d him d ply, and wav d his

e e e e e act1v1t the hand for att ntion . Surpris d at this un xp ct d y ,

e e e h1m the Mr. chairman imm diat ly gav ﬂoor, and Hirsch

e e the e e addr ss d m mb rship .

- Mr Mr. e e e Mr. . e e Mr. e e e Pr sid nt, Vic Pr sid nt, S cr tar ,

- — n Mr So in t at e e e . Chairma , . gg Arms , and f llow m mb rs For

e e e ee e ee tw nty y ars I hav b n coming r glar to m tings , but I

me never been any kind of an ofﬁcer. How about making that Cuspidor?

e A VERY ag1tated lady got h er doctor on the telephone . Com ” “ h - - s e e . M ten e e quick, cri d y y ar old boy just swallow d a ” “ T n e n h e e . et fountain p e . e doctor r mai d calm I will g ov r ” “ he e e are e e e the as soon as I can, said, but th r s v ral pati nts in ” th ee o now and you may not see m e for three or four hours . “ ” “ he do ee e e t . Thr or four hours , cho d lady What will I in the meantim e ? “ m f a e use e the . I a raid you will hav to a p ncil , said doctor 96

G IS A e even tu A LON L ND potato marri d an Idaho potato , and

Th n h e e ee . e t e o e ﬂouris ed ally th y had a littl sw t potato lit l , and in due time announced to its parents that it wante d to ’ e marry Low ll Thomas . But you can t marry Lowell ” “ ’ e h H e t e e . e s e . Thomas , d clar d par nts just a comm ntator

LONDON Tit- Bits tells of a thrifty native who discovered that

e om the e e he inst ad of putting c s in gas m t r, could obtain

( 1 4 7 ) LAUGHING STOCK

m he e effec he At uch t sam t by blowing smartly into t slot . length an inspector from the gas company called to read the “ ’ e He e i met r . was obviously puzzl d by his ﬁn d n gs . What s ” th e matter? asked the householder “ ” “ ’ the e h e . . T e Man, said insp ctor I don t und rstand it at all ’ ” see owe e company ms to you thre pounds ha penny .

DE ANCEY e e the L STREET was blank t d with snow, and wind

f h e o n the eddlars was howling rom t e west . Sudd nly e of p “ n e e e e . b ga y lling, Hitl r, Hitl r

e u e the e e A cop cam p , watch d p ddlar for a minut , ‘ e e e are scratch d his h ad and ask d , What you shouting Hit ler for? “ ‘ If e e e the e ' I y ll bananas answ r d p ddlar, who would come out on a day like this?

“ c LOMB IE e e e MR . M G and his wif had always Want d a rid

e McGlombie t e e e he e the in a plan , but urn d whit wh n h ard t ff for 1— h 2 The e ari a tax ride in t e air . It was $ 0 . amus d pilot “ m i Mr cGlo b e . You e . M said, I will mak you a proposition, and your wife get in and I will give you a ride for half an ’

. a n e e we are u l hour If you don t say si gl word whil p , I wil only charge you

r cGlo mbi M . M e thought this was a fair proposal and he an d e e h Th e e his wif climb d into t e plane . e pilot th r upon ’ took them on the wildest half hour s ride that could possibly be e 100 the e imagin d , ping loop , riding upsid down, and going

he set through dizzying dives and tailspins . Finally his craft th down on e ground . “ ’ I v Gl mbie h e Mr. Mc o t e got to hand it to you . , said

( 1 4 8 )

LAUGHING STOCK

W e h ~ LENKO SKY POINTED to a platt r in t e showcase . A quar ’ ” “ e f e he e e e the t r s worth rom dot m at, ord r d . You m an ? ” h “ ? ” ham asked t e delicatessen man . Who asked vot it vas countered Lenkowsky .

l THE e e e e e . Mr. Acro o ous he J UDGE look d v ry s v r p , said , “ your wife says you hit her over the head with a baseball

W e bat and threw her down a ﬂight o f stairs . hat hav you got ” to say for yourself?

r Acro olous e the e e M . p rubb d sid of his nos with his hand “ e e he e e e and m ditat d . Finally said , Your Honor , I gu ss th r ’ are ee e e : e r the thr sid s to this cas my wif s story, my sto y and ” truth .

e he e e the o e MR. JONES was visibly undon as stagg r d into l ck r “ ’ ” the e ? e the room . What s matt r, old boy ask d pro sympa thetically “ ’ ’

e fe the e Mr. I just kill d my wi , that s what s matt r, said

Jones . “ ? ” Good God, how did you do that ’ I was over on the practice tee and didn t see h er coming

m her t e e . up behind e . I took a back swing and hit on h h ad ” She dropped dead . “ ’ ? T the . e e hat s tough, said pro What club w r you using ”

The MrJ on es . niblick , said J ’ ” h th e t e . That s club , said pro

R AYEs e e . M . M shook his h ad wond ringly Just look at this “Th am e he e e . e suit I w aring, obs rv d wool was grown in

( 1 5 0 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

r the e New the Aust alia, cloth was wov n in England, and

me f The e m e thread co s rom India . suit was mad in Balti or ” d e e an I bought it in Bu nos Air s . ’ ” e e ? What s so r markabl about that asked his friend . ’ ” e e e the e Isn t it wond rful, mus d May s , ignoring int rrup “ ti e e e out e on, that so many p opl can mak a living of som ’ ” thing I haven t paid for?

A MAN was having a facial massage in his neighborhood bar

The e e e ber shop . barber had just drap d a v ry hot tow l around “ hi e e e the Mr s e . count nanc wh n a lad tor into shop , crying, ” k Mr i e The Wil ins, . Wilk ns, your hous is burning down .

e e the e OHhis e man grunt d with dismay, pull d hot tow l fac , and went charging madly after the boy without even stop

i fﬁn t e . e u ping to pick up his coat, collar and Aft r p g his way

ee e h e e e through thr or four crowd d blocks , sudd nly stopp d “ e e e am short and d mand d, What on arth I running this way ’ ” ? e for My nam isn t Wilkins .

THE LATE Stephen Leacock liked to sing the praises o f the “ e e country boys of Vermont . You hav no id a how strong “ r he h e a e e . e t e th y , wrot Wh n a farm wagon is stuck in ’ see o n e e e the ve mud , it s nothing to of th m walk up b hind

e e e e e e e e . hi l and , with a mighty h av , asily br ak a should r blad

” FOR WHAT was Louis XIV chicﬂy responsible? asked the history professor . The eager beaver in the front row had his hand up in a ff “ ” . XV h e e e . ji y Louis , sir, r pli d ( 1 5 1 ) LAUGHING STOCK ‘

A HARLEM DEACON felt that his ﬂo ck was not sufﬁ cien tly ’ e e e e e e e l he set t rroriz d by his pr d c ssor s d scription of H l , so “ ”

e e . e e he e e about r m dying this situation Br thr n, d mand d . “ ’ ’ ’ Has none o f you seed molten lead p ourin an sizzlin out of ” “ ’ ? fe e an a furnace A w brethren said they had . Sist rs broth ” “ ’ ’ ers the e e e . In de e I se el , d acon assur d th m plac t lin you ’ ’ de e ff f i o e ce . about, y us s dat stu shav d

BER MRS . NB AUM came uptown for her ﬁrst symphony con

Her e e e e the cert at Carnegie Hall . n ighbors h ard nothing ls “

he e . n e e . e e e e s xt aft rnoon Such an xp ri nc , sigh d blissfully

H r h e friend asked her which piece s e had enjoye d the b est. “L m h “ et e see s e e . e e now, mus d I gu ss bast I lik d Tchai ’ ’ kowsky s Sympho ny—if you ll pardon the expression

e f e e e e SEVERAL DAYS aft r his ath r di d, littl Johnny was stopp d “ h e on t e street by a neighbor . And what w re your poor ’ ? ” father s last words the neighbor asked . “ ’ ”

He e e e . didn t hav any, Johnny answ r d Mama was with ” the e en him to v ry d.

96 « 41

A DILAPIDATED RAGAMUFFIN horrified members of on e of the swankiest golf clubs on Long Island by sudden ly appear ing on the ﬁrst tee munching a very dirty-looking ham sand

The the ee ee e wich . chairman of gr ns committ angrily bad him be the e e n e on his way, but int rlop r i st star d at him and

e e e went on nibbling his sandwich . S veral other m mb ers cam

e e the up and grew incr asingly indignant. wh n man ignored

( 1 5 1 )

LAUGHING STOCK

IN HOLLYWOOD no SCI‘ lpt 13 considered worthy un less it has

e been rewritten at least six times . Th y even rewrite Shake h speare and t e Bible . Lincoln Barnett tells about a scenario writer named Cyril who lay dying . On his deathbed he com

e e e posed a po m and ask d his clos st pal to read it at his funeral .

e e the e e e e a Aft r his d ath fri nd call d anoth r writ r and s id, “ m e e You gotta come and help me . Cyril gave e a po m to r ad

m ﬁx at e 1t . e e his grav , and frankly, stinks I want you to h lp

1t up . ’ So the two friends completely rewrote the deceased s last words .

IN 1 1165: MIDDLE of his lunch a man noticed the clock behind “ the counter and made a dive for his hat and coat . Two ’ ” “ ’ ’ he I ve e o c o e . et . l ck, cri d got to g down to Gimb l s My ’ e s e to ee me e e o n e o wif is uppos d m t th r at clock sharp , and ’ ” I don t want to be late .

1113 n e Mr T SALESMAN was havi g a tough time s lling . Levi a “ h t e e . e dictograph . Think of tim it will save you Inst ad of waiting for your secretary to come in every time you want i e e e e i e . e to writ a l tt r, you just dictat nto this mach n Wh n e e ou e ee e the e v r y hav a fr mom nt, dictograph is r ady and ” waiting for you .

e h e b e e . e t e L vi was unimpr ss d In d spair, sal sman rought “ n Let me n forth his ﬁ al suggesti on . install o e of these ma

If he n d e for ee . t e chin s a w k, without cost to you , at of that ’ ’ m e e e e I ll e ti , it hasn t don v rything I said it would, tak it ” out again .

Mr. e ee the en d the ee the e L vi agr d , and at of w k sal sman

e . he in Mr e e e . e cam back As soon as cam , L vi scr am d at him,

( 1 5 4) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

i k e v c . Take dis machine out frum mine oth ee . Tak it out q “ ’ ’ The e c the e ? sal sman was taken aba k . What s matt r Didn t ” it do everything I promised? “

Mr e . Yes ever tin k ou e e . , it did y y said, conc d d L vi But did you ever hear mit vot an eccen t it speaks?

’ S the Post s on e or e a EARL WIL ON, famous salo dit , wrot radio

e The o e e e script for a famous com dian . c m dian list n d to it ” Wil e e. o e without cracking a singl smil Okay, kay, pout d “ — . e e o e e son Th y laugh d at th r innovators Rob rt Fulton, “ ” e e e e ? Al xand r Graham B ll , Thomas Edison Th y did “ ” s th h e ei o ? aid e comedian . W o wrot th r pr grams

SI T e two e e e s e OUT DE A MONASTERY in ib t, v n rabl lama sunn d

e e e a e e a e e ee th ms lv s day ft r day, rar ly t lking, ngag d in d p

e On e a 1 on e o e m ditation . F bru ry 4th , lama st pp d stroking his “ ”

e e to e e e e e . b ard long nough r mark , Lif , my fri nd, is lik a w ll

The e n th e he e oth r said nothi g until March 9 , wh n sudd nly “ ” u e e e el ? On 2 2 d the ﬁrst r mbl d , Why is lif lik a w l April , “ e e e e e lama shrugg d his should rs and comm nt d, All right, hav i ’ ” e sn t e . it your way . Lif lik a well

THE TOWN DRUNK tried to get to bed without disturbin g his

fe e her the e he wi , but h ard coming downstairs mom nt shut the He . e e the e e door mad a div for library, r ach d for a book, and was sitting under the lamp when his wife barged into “ ” “ he t . e he s n o t room H llo , darling, aid disarmi gly I th ugh ’ ” I d e e r ad a littl tonight . “ ” ? she o e ou ut You did , did you said c ldly . W ll , y Just sh ” e an d o e at valis c me up to b d.

( 1 5 5 ) LAUGHING STOCK

e Th THE MAN in low r six was snoring lustily . e lady in the ’ th he n e e e e her. ext b rth tapp d on partition, but didn t h ar Finally she banged so loudly that she almost tore it down h e e . e t e e e e ra in altog th r Awak at last, man rubb d his y s and g “

e . ee et o n . bl d surlily, Nothing doing, lady I s n you g

A CUB REPORTER in Iowa reported that a local farmer had

Th e m h been robbed of pigs . e cag y g t editor thought the ﬁ ure e e h f g pr tty high and phon d t e armer to check up . “ ” Is it true that you lost two thousand twenty- ﬁve pigs? “ ” h e e t e e . Y th, sigh d farm r

The e e e an d e the c cag y ditor thank d him chang d , opy to “ ” - m e the e two twe ﬁve . ak loss r ad, sows and nty pigs

THE LATE Justice Cardozo was a bad sailor . A friend found him leaning far over the rail of the Aquitan ia in midocean “ ’ on e - a e e e s e e day and, in conc rn d voic , a k d, Can t I do som ” e? thing for you, Judg “ h e e t e . e e You c rtainly can, said Justic Ov rrul this ” motion .

THE PRESENCE of a lot of cocky and hard- bitten Am erican a s Russmn e e e effe the viator in bas s had som strang cts , on earnest efforts of some Russians who were studying the Eng

n e e e me lish language . O Russian privat approach d an A rican “ C e e e e e olon l , gav him a snappy salut and xclaim d, Good

e . morning, j rk

S S b the e AMERICAN TOURI T , rought up on black, glaring h ad

e e e e ﬁn d lines of Unit d Stat s n wspap rs, always it a bit dif

LAUGHING STOCK

we e fe month put all our bills into an old sombr ro , and my wi , ’ - n e Th n e o e . e o e blind fold d , picks out of th m lucky that s

e e chosen g ts paid . Unl ss you stop sending us those snooty ’ e e e e we e e the l tt rs , com n xt month won t v n put your bill in ” hat .

D G e - e New URIN A RECENT n ar hurrican in York , Marshall Best of the Viking Press looked out of his win dow and t e “ ’ ” “ ”

e . mark d, It s raining cats and dogs today I know, said “

e Ben e e e . his partn r, Hu bsch , an incurabl punst r I just ” e stepp d into a poodle .

I I D her e e r MRS . FK N M R e e e . turn d to dinn r gu st and b am d, ’ l h n e Sh o a n es e . p , I know how you lov blintz s Why don t ” ? hl han n e e r S o s . you take a couple more M . p blush d happily “ ifkin d h e e e e . R e I would lov to tak som mor , Mrs , said / m i a o tiv l e e e . but I p s e y embarrassed . I hav alr ady had ight ’ ” “ ifkin d e e e e e e e . R You v alr ady had l v n, corr ct d Mrs , but ” who counts around here?

A LITTLE old lady came up to a train announcer at Grand “ e e e i ? C ntral and said , Young man, wh r do I catch my tra n “ ’ ” e e e e e the e That d p nds on wh r you r going, said announc r

e pl asantly . “ ’ h re e e e e t e . You v ry imp rtin nt, snapp d old lady What business is it of yours where I am going? But if you must

am fo r . know, I bound Boston

The n e e her ee an ounc r obligingly pick d up thr bags , found her e 1n the the a the k a s at Boston coach, and put b gs on rac

( 1 5 8) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

h he the h r e . e e e e t above e h ad As d sc nd d to platform , old “ e lady leaned out the window and cackled at him . I gu ss I ’ im e m n I m e n to e rt e t . fool d you, you p young man r ally goi g ” Buffalo .

FLANAGAN B UMPED into his friend Dooley just outside the

- - e e e e e Whoops a Daisy bar . Both g ntl m n w r listing slightly “

ee an d ﬁn e e e . to l ward had a aroma on th ir br aths Flanagan, ” “ ’ me e e i e e to boy, said Dool y, you r just in t m to com ’ McGrath s wake with me . “ ” e h ﬁn e e e . e t e A id a that, allow d Flanagan But I n v r had ’ ” pleasure of your friend McGrath s acquaintance . Dooley assured Flanagan that this made no diff erence what ’ e e the men ee e n McGrath s e e v r, and two r l d i to hom st ad ,

e e — ﬁr — n wh r a st class wake was hitting on all cylinders . Flanaga just made the grand piano in the front parlor when his legs im h e e e h . e e the gav way b n ath As sank down, his jaw gav

h rriﬁ He e ivory keys of t e piano a te c jolt . look d at them

e e e e e in wond ringly, th n turn d to his fri nd Dool y, and said “ e Ir e e e McGrath ton s of soft admiration, is tru that I n v r saw ” e e he e ﬁn e set ee in ral lif , but I must say sur had a of t th .

A HARASSED Washingt on o fﬁcial regarded the latest entrant “ ” th e - - e e . n i Mr er er to his o w arily Good mor ng, . Simpson, “ e he said . I pr sume you brought a sample of the merchandise ” are e the e you trying to s ll Governm nt . “ ” “ Mr . . e Hardly, said Simpson You may r call that it was you who asked me to call to see you and that I am a builder ” o f s e usp nsion bridges .

( 1 5 9 ) LAUGHING STOCK

FERGUSON WAS driving his girl through the park o n e hot “ ”

e e e e . summ r night wh n th y pass d a popcorn stand Yum, “ ”

e . said the girl . That popcorn sur smells good “ e e e e Wait a minut , said F rguson g n rously, and I will

e drive up clos r so you can get a better whiff of it .

96 1

’ YOU VE PROBABLY heard the on e about the lady who had h e t e he o t e . wat r on e kn e . S g rid of it by w aring pumps And it must have been her father who suffered from water on th n e h ee the e e brain . O cold night e fell asl p and wat r ’

e he e he e e . e . e e froz Wh n awok , couldn t r m mb r a thing Ev ry

e thing had slipp d his mind .

’ e in t he ﬁ ht r e I DIDN T hav no part g , You Honor, swor “ ee Rastus solemnly on the witness stand . Just as soon as I s n ’ there was trouble I starte d run n in as fast as I could . Then I ” e h ard two shots ring out . “ ” ? h The e Two shots interrupted t e judge . last witn ss said there was only o n e shot ﬁred “ ” two def ed stus . e Oh, no , sir, insist Ra I count d shots — mitely o n e when the bullet passed m e and the other when ” e the e I pass d bull t .

AN AMERICAN in London was having a terrible time with his

r un c1a 1 e e e p on t 0n . It was bad enough to l arn that Worc st r “ ” e e e e e was pronounc d Woost r, and that Chuml y was sp ll d

e e e he r ee a e out as Cholmond l y . Th n saw a ma qu on pictur “

e . e REVIVAL OF : hous It r ad, A CAVALCADE PRO NOUNCED S CC SS U E .

“ “ ’ e it th t e e e I m 1 e . That s tl s , said Am rican . go ng hom

( 1 6 0)

LAUG HING STOCK

A YOUNG MAN stopped into a clothing store to ask the price “ 1 th h of a su t on display in e window . You picked t e b est suit ” the e the e in plac , said m rchant approvingly, and to show you that I like to do business with a man who has such good m ’ e a e e . tast , I going to mak you a sp cial proposition I wouldn t ’ ’ ou 6 2 h t e . 2 ask y $ for suit I wouldn t ask you 85 . I wouldn t

2 2 e f e ask you $4 . $ 3 is my pric for you, my ri nd “ ’ The e e e e 2 custom r r pli d , I wouldn t giv you $ 3 and I ’ e 2 2 ff 1 wouldn t giv you 15 . My o er is $ “ ” h “ ’ h t e e . t e e do Sold , said m rchant That s way I lik to ”

e . business . No chis ling

THE W e e HOLLY OOD ag nt said at lunch , My wif says ’ ” going to leave me if I don t st0p running around . “ f e Too bad said his ri nd . “ ’ h m1 Yes t e e I m ss her. , it is, said ag nt . going to

A MAN was on his way home on a blustery January night when he saw in the window of a de- luxe fruit shop a basket

e e ~ of beautiful ripe peaches . Thinking how pl as d and sur

e e be e e he pris d his wif would with such an uns asonabl gift ,

The entered the shop an d asked the price of the peaches . lady behind the counter informed him loftily that they were $ 1 2 “ ” Th e e e e . e a doz n . man was stagg r d, mumbl d, Thank you ,

and move d in something of a daze toward the door . Suddenly he f o f the e was back in ront haughty sal slady, planking a “ ’ ” ﬁft - e e e th ? she in y c nt pi c on e counter . What s that for

e quir d .

“ ' me he ee I - e e Pardon , madam, said m kly, st pp d on a ” grape . THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

’ e 0 Th THE SHARE CROPPER sold his s ason s yield for $4 . e pur “ e e 1 e chas r count d out four 55 o bills and said , Mos , I will wrap ” i the e e e . e e th m up for you Aft r supp r that n ght , shar cropp r

he e e it t u e e e . e lovingly rn d to his pr cious packag Wh n op n d , h e e he n l ee . e e e how v r, found o y thr bills For a long tim look d “ ’ at t e e he e e h m sadly and th n shook his h ad and said , Th y s ’ in e e e be tricks all trad s , but Ah r ckon Ah d ruth r a good ’ e ro er mon y w pp than mos anything .

— - A FLY B Y NIGHT columnist chiseled his way into a swank ’ party hosted by on e of America s leading and wittiest ac

e e e he e he e her lirn tr ss s . Wh n l ft, gav a p hand and said , “ ” t Thanks for the swell par y . “ ’ e m e the . e e That s quit okay, said actr ss Do r mind to h ” invite you t e next time .

SHOLEM ASCH tells a Story about an impoverished cobbler who lived in a tiny village in Europe and had an incredibly

u He gly daughter . had long abandoned any hope of ever

e n her o ff e o n e the g tti g his hands , wh n day local match “ maker dropped this bombshell : I have a match for your ” “ ’ ” e I be th e . r e e e . e daught r can t , cobbl r xclaim d Not aft r ” “ ” ll e e e h ? a . t e e th s y ars Who is man Count P trovsky,

e h e calmly announc d t e matchmak r .

The h e tu e . e t e e fath r was s nn d Count P trovsky, rich st, ’ the the e— he most aristocratic, most handsom no , couldn t i “M ” e t . e n l be he . p rmit y daught r would o y unhappy, said ’ he The S wouldn t know how to act in his company . Count ” of her is out class .

The e e e e the e matchmak r pl ad d, point d out that cobbl r

( 1 6 3) LAUGHING STOCK

’ — was standing in the way o f his daughter s happiness but to

The e he e e the e e e no avail . b st could do was p rsuad b wild r d h h h t e e t e e . e man to submit matt r to wis old mayor This did,

f e e the th e and , a t r much discussion and m ditation on part of

the e e be efe e the mayor, was told that matt r had b st r rr d to

e the gov rnor . Again much discussion and much thought, and “ ” e Y The e e gov rnor said es . matchmak r snatch d up his coat a n d h h e e e t e . T e ran from room cobbl r dash d aft r him, “ e the ee e e e e are grabb d him by sl v , and ask d, Wh r you ” “ ? Now e e the e e going , r pli d matchmak r, all I hav to do is

he e sell t idea to Count P tro vsky .

fish e e her fin er A LADY, shopping at a local mark t, pok d g “ e e e fish ? into a succul nt flound r and ask d, How much is this “ ” h e e e e e e t e . S v nty c nts , answ r d m rchant ? ” How much does it weigh she asked .

’ “ e the f e e the ﬁsh i l I hav n t aint st id a, said man, but it w l

e e cost you s venty c nts . “ ’ ? ” h Haven t you got a scale persiste d t e shopper . ” “ ’

the ﬁsh e e . Lady, said man, I don t s ll any scal s You h ” gotta buy t e whole ﬁsh .

’ R G S e e e e e in LELA O ER , Ging r s moth r, op n d a small playhous Hollywood to present budding actors and playwrights to

— On e cinema big w1gs m a professional way . particularly shy “ ’ and awkward young man presented himself . What s your ? ” “ ” m h e he . e s e . Ed ee na ask d Edon, said S king to put him ’ e e e she e e e e mor at as , comm nt d, That s a v ry uphonious

” “ ’ ” “ ’ ' ” e he h r I in . n o . e e . t s nam Oh , ma am , assur d y own .

( 1 6 4 )

LAUGHING STOCK

AN EMBITTERED AUTHOR summed up his publisher as follows “ e the Ten e e e he oe Brok as Commandm nts , so conc it d that d s

e foun tam en e crossword puzzl s with a p , and so crook d that ” e e ev ry tim I shake hands with him I count my fingers .

THE ROMANCE b etween Gloria and Walter was a typ 1cal — summer- resort aﬁ air two weeks of a whirlwind courtship that ended when Gloria had to take the bus back to New ’ - - e e e a e e . York and Macy s basem nt . It was th ir last t te t t “ ” “ ’ e e e f Gloria, said Walt r, you r a wond r ul girl , but if you ’ ’ so e f e don t mind my saying , you don t tak ull advantag of ’

. e e . your natural gifts Now, h r s what I want you to do Just ’ et New o t aeckel s as soon as you g back to York , you g in o J

e f f o and ord r yoursel a beauti ul mink coat . Then g over to — Bergdorf Goodman and have a couple of $ 2 00 su1ts made to

e e e e e ord r for you . Th re is som thing about an xp nsive suit that a connoisseur can tell three blocks away . Then you go to ’ Tiffany s an d get a few solid- gold clip s and a real diamond ’ e bracelet . You re too b autiful to wear that cheap costume

ff f w o f rchid e e . o e o s j w lry Top it all with a sprays _ from ’ ’ ” hli b e Sc n s e e e . g , and th n you ll r ally som thing ’ “ Gloria s eyes rolled with delight . What wonderful sug ” “ ’ e 1on I st s e ! she e e . e ve e e g , Walt r br ath d But aft r got all th s ” et ? things , how can I g in touch with you “ “ m 6 - 2 e e at . Oh , just call , said Walt r, Wadsworth 9 7 7 ” Is that your home or your business telephone? asked

Gloria . “ ’ h h t e e t e e e . It s candy stor at corn r , said Walt r But ” e m th y always call e .

( 1 6 6 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

’

. e THERE WAS a loud knock on Mrs . Murphy s door Wh n “ she e e it the red- e e e Be the op n d , fac d party d mand d, you Widow Murphy? ” “ m h b e a . s e I Mrs Murphy, said indignantly , but I no ” widow . “ ’ ’ ? ” e eh e the . a see You b n t, cackl d Visitor W it till you ’ ” what they re bringing upstairs .

wrsp e e e A of a man bought a f rocious tig r at an auction sal , “ outbidding several prominent circus proprietors . What on ? ” earth are you going to do with that man- eatmg beast he “ - om 1 was asked by the head of a wild animal act . G g nto com petition with us ? ’

the e . . Oh , no , said littl man It isn t that But my poor i I’m ” w fe died last week and lonely .

A MAN who sports a set o f whiskers these days has to take a

- h lot of abuse from the so called wits with whom e associates . ’ e e e the e e L t s consid r for instanc , cas of Monty Wooll y, “ ”

e e Th . Mr e e som tim s known as e Beard . Wooll y is pr tty

sick of alleged humor concerning his hirsute adornment . Fred

A e e e he e e ll n, for instanc , inform d him that look d lik a cross between a sofa with the lining showing through and a man

e e n who swallow d a St . B rnard dog and left his tail ha gmg “ ’

. e e He out Earl Wilson yod l d , y , Monty, why don t you put ” some hollandaise on that broccoli ? A drunk at the Stork “ e the e Club capp d climax by piping, Say , Schnauz r, what ” “ are you doing with that muff ? Earning considerably more ” e are he e Mr e e t . mon y than you , answ r d outrag d Woolley .

( 1 6 7 ) LAUGHING STOCK

JOE FAYE bo ught a book that was guaranteed to cure stutter ‘ t- t- me s—s- e er e e eek ing . It taught to say P t Pip r pick d a p of ’ “ e e e e e the t—t- e pickl d p pp rs , mourn d Fay , but troubl is, ” - - that expression comes up so s s seldom in conversation .

’ THE Los ANGELEs Limited wasn t ten minutes out of the Chicago Union Statlon when a sweet little old lady noticed a man in the front of the car whose head was buried in his hands and whose shoulders shook with uncontrolled p arox

m e m e her ys s of sorrow . H r motherly 1n st ct prompt d to con

e the she e e e e the sol man , but r strain d h rs lf with thought that he e All was a strang r and might resent her interference . that day and the day after she spent her wakin g hours surrepti

tiousl him sn itHe , e e On the y watching into his handk rchi f .

morn m e the m e third g, whil tra , was alr ady winding its way

the e e she through orang grov s of California, could stand it no “ ” he e . M she she e t long r y poor boy, said as patt d him on “ s e . e e me e e hould r Mayb if you t ll what is br aking your h art,

e ee it will mak you f l better .

The young man looked up at her and wrung his hands . ” “ ’ ee he e I ve ee the For thr days now, sobb d , b n on wrong

A RESOURCEFUL MISSIONARY fell into the hands of a band of “ m c . eat e e i th t , e . annibals Going to , I tak , said missionary “ ’ ” m H e - f e e . e e e You wouldn t lik took out his pock t kni , slic d a 1e f h e t e le e the c e . p c rom calf of his g, and hand d it to hi f “ ” it h h e n e see e e e . T e o Try , and for yours lf, urg d chi f took

“ e e bit , grunt d, and spat .

The e f rs He missionary r mained on the island ﬁ ty y ea . had a l cork eg .

( 1 6 8 )

LAUGHING STOCK

ENGLISH SOCIETY was agog when a great Duke married a little h blonde from t e Music Hall chorus . It was even more agog when a Bond Street art gallery put on exhibition a lifesize d “ h r h The portrait of e in t e altogether . Duke was furious . I ’ ’ ” “ f me e . e e e don t know what s biting you , said his wi B li v , ’ ” H di it r me or e e e . e d om m . hon ybun , th r s nothing wrong f y 96

LITTLE MICHAEL was spending his ﬁrst night under his Aunt ’ “

1 h e . Minn e s roof . S e came in to hear him say his pray rs You ” e f h h n h e s e e e ﬁ is ed. did b auti ully, Micha l , told him , wh n had ” “ e e ou hta e That was nothing, boast d Micha l . You g h ar ” me gargle .

A SCOTSMAN who had worked for many years on railroads in

he e e t U. S. e e e e sec his nativ land, cam to and s ttl d in a r mot

h e tion of t e Middle West . Soon after his arrival th re was a

e proj ct for a railroad through the district . “ the e the Hoot, mon, said Scot to a n ighbor who brought “ il i ” e . tidings , y canna bu d a ra lroad across this country “ ” e ? And why not, F rguson ‘ ’ ? me ? e see the Why not You ask , Why not Dinna y ’ ’ country s ﬂat as a ﬂo or? Ye hae n ae place at all t run your

n el to o s thru . 96

wo e The ﬁrst n e T PENNILESS lads arrived her from Europe . o

He e e e made a million dollars . inv nt d a machin into which Th you inserted a dime and a n ew wife came out . e other

n i e e the e made te m llion . In his machine you ins rt d wif and a n ew dime came out .

( 1 7 9 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

’ he e the w o MR . BECKER S FACE lit up as recogniz d man h was

He e walking ahead of him down the subway stairs . clapp d th e e the the e e man so h artily on back that man n arly collaps d , “ ’

e e e e . e and cri d, Goldb rg, I hardly r cogniz d you Why, you v ’ e r e e gain d thi ty pounds sinc I saw you last, and you v had

e ﬁxed e are ee e . your nos , and I sw ar you about two f t tall r “ ” h b he T e e . e man look d at him angrily I g your pardon, said ”

e e be e . in icy ton s , but I do not happ n to Goldb rg “ ” “ ’

Mr e e . e e e e Aha, said . B ck r You v v n chang d your ” name .

A LEARNED RABBI of Min sk wanted to take a trip to Pinsk . ’ He went over to Schmul s stable and arranged for Schmul

h ee e to drive him over in a horse and buggy . T e trip proc d d h without incident until they came to t e ﬁrst real hill . Half ’ way up the horse stopped dead and wouldn t move another step until Schmul got out and walked alongside the buggy

h h At the e Schmul th to t e top of t e hill . n xt hill both and e

et e e th e e rabbi had to g out in ord r to r ach e summit . Th n cam

h hmul he t e Sc . e t e bigg st hill of all . First got out Th n rabbi

the e m n e h got out . Finally xasperated e had to unharn ss t e th h nag and pull e buggy to t e top themselves . By that time the gleaming towers of Pinsk were Visible in

the Th n distance . e remai ing miles were covered in due course

the e hm and rabbi pr pared to part company with Sc ul. ” Schmul he o n , said , that I had to g from Mi sk to Pinsk , — e . o e that was my busin ss That you had to g w ll , I paid you

e m m hm l e . e e Sc u : n to com with But t ll , why did you bri g ” the horse?

( 1 7 1 ) LAUGHING STOCK

VINCENT STARRETT tells a story of a Turkish Sultan who

e e t 1 e m e e e e awok his curr nt fayo t a gr at stat of excit m nt . “ ” “ ” he e m e e e e e e e u . Quick , cri d , giv my sp ctacl s b for I wak p “ ’ e the e e he e e I m Wh n favorit brought th m to him, xplain d ,

e e e e are on e m having a b autiful dr am , but th r or two things ’ e it I can t cl arly make out .

A MEDICAL STUDENT found the ﬁrst quest1on in an examin a “ ’ tion : Name hy e reasons why mother s milk is better for ’ ” “ H e e e e It 15 e . e babi s than cow s milk answ r d, First, b caus ’ e e e e e the et it fr sh r; s cond, it is cl an r; third, cats can t g ; h e e e e . e e fourth, it is asi r to tak to movi s and to picnics Th n “ e e ifth e a thought for a mom nt and add d, F , it com s in such ” e cute little contain r .

He passed .

IRWIN EDMAN tells about the little shaver who was crying his

' f e he eyes out on the sidestreet curbstone . Both o his par nts,

e the who e e inform d good samaritan stopp d to consol him,

e e e e e e w r d ad and his only living r lativ , a broth r, was up in ” “ e the e ! Harvard . W ll , said samaritan, a broth r at Harvard ’ ” ﬁn h e e? That s mighty e . What is e studying th r “ ’

he e the . Oh ain t studying anything, sobb d boy

h t T ey e studying him .

A MILLIONAIRE soap manufacturer graciously consented to a “ ” e e ce ? pr ss interview . To what do you attribut your suc ss

asked o n e reporter . “ e n e e the To cl an livi g my fri nd , to cl an living, said soap

man e arnestly .

( 1 7 2 )

LAUG HING STOCK

A MAN who discovered the joys o f ﬁshin g rather late in life became even more m5 1sten t than ordinary anglers upon re

e counting his triumphs to skeptical acquaintances . Enrag d

e e e he he by th ir thinly v il d hints that was a liar, bought a pair

e e e e e of scal s , install d th m in his library, and mad his fri nds

h h ﬁ h h n e watch while e actually weighed t e s e had caught . O e e e e e e 15 5 1 v ning, a n ighbor burst in and xcit dly sought p rm on

the e . He was ten e e to borrow scal back in minut s , his fac “ ” “ h d h e m h ﬂus e m e . a t e e . e e with d light Congratulat , cri d I

e - fath r of a forty eight pound baby boy .

e e e A MANUFACTURER r c ived a whopping bill from his lawy r . “ He stood for everything until he came to this 1tem : For ’ crossing street to talk to you and discovermg 1t wasn t you : ’ $ 5 003

A SALESMAN in San Francisco wired his home ofﬁce in New “ e 1 f f m : e o e e . a York , D ar Boss Th s IS a matt r li and d ath I

e n e e m e brok , starvi g, and th y lock d out of my room . For ’ ” e m m e e 0 a e . God s sak , wir 355 or I a d ad duck

e He e the to the e e e hand d blank t l graph op rator and said , ’ ’ ” e e m i t . Pl as don t read this back to e . I couldn t stand

’ THE CHILDREN S PARTY was drawing to a close and the cook ’ — triumphantly brought in the piece de resistan ce a heaping h e e . s e the e e e platt r of j llo As put it on tabl , it quiv r d and h . t e e e e e o n e shook Most of childr n xclaim d with d light , but “ ” e e e the e o e me he start d to l av tabl . N n of that for , said “ ’ ﬁrml . n t y It s o dead y et .

( 1 7 4 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

’ THE COUNTRY S most high- powered insurance salesman found his six-year - old son out on the lawn when h e came “ ” e me hom , clutching a ball and bat . Watch , Daddy, com “ ” he m n he . He e t a ded t son I will hit it out o f sight . toss d ball “

an d e e . e o n e up took a roundhous swing and miss d Strik , “ me h e called with no diminishing of his enthusiasm . Watch ” “ ” ike he e o n e . He e . Strrrr conn ct with this miss d again two , “ n e e e me e o n e cha t d . W ll , Daddy, you always t ll it only tak s ” i A me he the ir. e to hit t . This is third ti took a swip at ball “ n ee e and a third time went down swingi g . Thr strik s and ” “ ” he m e ! out e . a , announc d Oh , boy, I a pitch r

THREE STOUT LAD IES were slowly rocking their chairs on the

The porch of a summer hotel on a h0t summer afternoon .

ﬁrst e e e her th sec lady had tw nty diamond brac l ts on arm , e

h o n e e e t e e . ond an v n doz n, and third just “ ” On e e e e et . Wh n my brac l ts g dirty, said No loftily, I ’ fo o trn an e drive in my Rolls straight to Tiffany s . My tak s

e me f e o ff to . Mr e th m in for . Ti fany hims lf tak s two days ” e polish th m . “M e e e me e e e . . y brac l ts giv troubl , too , conf ss d No Two ’

e e ee e e e . Wh n th y n d cl aning, I tak my Buick to Lamb rt s h ” e e t e six he e e . I giv th m to manager . For hours cl ans th m “ The wo e e e t e . ladi s turn d exp ctantly to No . Thre And ” “ ? e On e do you ask d , with a slight smirk , What you do ,

e ? Mrs . Gain s

. e e e e e e Mrs Gain s was unp rturbed . I n v r both r cl aning ” “ m e e h e s e . e see y diamond brac l ts , announc d calmly Wh n I ’ e e e t — I th y v gott n dir y just throw them away . LAUGHING STOCK

THE LITTLE Scotch couple shared a seat on the train from

At e e the Edinburgh to London . v ry way station man would hop out of the train and buy two tickets for th e next stauon .

n ll The conductor ﬁ a y got tired of punching the fares . “ ? ” Where are you two bound or h e inquired grimly . “ the London, said Scotsman . ’ Then why the devil don t you buy two through tickets ? ” an d save m e all this bother asked the conductor . “ ” “ the t the e me e Ah , said Sco sman , doctor t lls my wif ” ‘ has a very weak heart and it is likely to give out any minute. 96

P he ee e h MR . ERKINS was painfully limping down t str t wh n e m et e e e e e e e . a fri nd, who xpr ss d gr at conc rn ov r his condition “ e few e the e the e Aft r a qu stions , fri nd told him, I had sam

e few ee e e troubl a months ago , but I had all my t th r mov d, ’ I m ﬁt l s e do and now as a ﬁdd e . I trongly sugg st that you ” the e n sam thi g .

ee h e Mr all e . e F ling that had nothing to los , P rkins had his ee e e e e ee e t th r mov d, but in vain . S v ral w ks lat r, still limp

he n e e he e ing, ran i to anoth r fri nd who told him that cur d i r. a sim lar condition by having his appendix removed . So M

e e e e s he e . P rkins had his app ndix r mov d, but till limp d A third

e e e e ile . fri nd sugg st d r moving his tonsils , but that too fa d

e e ﬁr Mr e n st e e . e Som months aft r his ncount r, P rki s, a cur d man t t i i e he e , was s ru t ng ga ly along wh n ran into fri nd num “ ’ ” “ ber o n e . see e . So Ah , I you r all right now, said his pal my ” e e advic work d . “ ’ ee e a No , taking my t th out didn t h lp ; taking out my p ’ ’ en dix l I e o u p and my tonsi s didn t help . But ll t ll y what did h ” e . t h lp I took e nail out of my shoe .

( 1 7 6 )

LAUG HING STOCK

th e e DALE WARREN , Boston Casanova, was r miniscing to a “ ” e e ee e he in friend . I know nin girls on Pickn y Str t alon , formed him . “ ? ” All told asked the friend . ” “

h . e . On e e e er No , said Warr n of th m k pt trap shut

e e e e A MAN bought a watch and chain from a J rs y City d al r .

h e The proprietor handed him a revolver with t e packag . “ ’ ” What s this for? asked the man . ”

the e . You bought a gold watch , was xplanation You ’ ” kee it ? want to p , don t you

RING LARDNER liked to tell his friends of an eccentric in the Adirondacks who constructed a building entirely of knot “ ” e e? ed V1s1t holes . What kind of holes do you call th s ask a

N e ing ew York r .

e are e the e . Th y knot hol s, said build r ” “ Hmm f the New e e e e p , said York r, th y look lik hol s m ” to e .

’ FEW - e e : e A of Mark Twain s oft quot d r marks Wat r, if ” “ e e e e tak n in mod ration , cannot hurt anybody ; F ar knock d h ” “ e e e . on e e e e e at t door . Faith answ r d No was th r ; Wh n som

m en e e the e discharg an obligation, you can h ar r port for ” “ miles around ; Everybody is always talking about the ” “ e e e e e ir e w ath r , but nobody v r do s anything about ; Wh n

ee m e I was a boy of fourt n , y fath r was so ignorant I could

e the - e hardly stand to hav old man around . But wh n I got to

( 1 7 8 ) THIS WAY TO THE JOKES

e - o n e e the be tw nty , I was astonish d at how much old man ” had learned in seven years .

R S e e tt e e D . OTI MOORE watch d a v ry li l girl pull a v ry big “ be e weed from her Victory garden . You must pr tty strong ”

ee he e e . to pull out such a big w d , r mark d “ ” “ ’ he e Yes ee the e . e t , agr d youngst r Don t forg t that whol ” world was pulling on the other side .

e e e a e e e e e e A MAN r c iv d big ch ck for s rvic s r nd r d, but dis h e o n e e . e e e cov red that it was c nt short A stickl r for d tail ,

n e the e be e re due e i sist d that discr pancy r pai d and, in cours ,

He e e e received another check for a sin gle penny . pr s nt d it

e The e e e e e for paym nt at his bank . t ll r xamin d it clos ly and “ e him e ? e ? ask d , How would you lik this , sir H ads or tails

Two DS e e ﬁshin FRIEN motor d hom from a g trip in Maine .

On e e e e e e e a lon ly country road th y ncount r d ngin trouble . Who answered their knock at the nearest farmhouse? Right! ’ The e e he farm r s b autiful daughter . S gave them dinner and let e e th m stay ov rnight . Six months later o n e o f the friends

e e e - e i a r c iv d an ominous looking legal docum nt . A frown d s p

eared he e it e he e his fi com an p as r ad , and th n phon d shing p ion . “ h e . I say, Tom, said Did you by any chance spend a

t e i e e the ear li tl t m with that b autiful farm girl , night our ” broke down? “ es e e Why, y , answ r d Tom sheepishly .

e e c e And did you, in a mom nt of Machiav llian unning, giv ” her my name and address ?

( 1 7 9 )

’ AD : The use the e a AM only wolf who couldn t op ning g mbit, “ ’ ” e me e ee ? Excus , but hav n t I s n you somewhere b efore Adherent : A follower who has not y et gotten all he ex peets . (Ambrose Bierce) Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends

is the i e and now growing in m ddl .

After- dinner speaker : The art of diluting a two - minute

e - id a with a two hour vocabulary . Alimony : The high cost of leaving

ir : st e e e . e: e Amazon F part of a s nt nc Exampl W ll , amazon o f a gnur

: e e the Automaton A g nt who ats at automat . Baby : An alimentary canal with a loud voice at o n e en d e s h t t e e E. and no r spon ibili y at oth r . ( Adamson)

( 1 8 3) LAUGHING STOCK

Banker : A man who lends you an umbrella when the sun

the m n e is shining and wants it back i ut it starts to rain .

e : e e artiﬁciall Banqu t A plat of cold , hairy chick n and y colored green peas completely surrounded by dreary speeches

e and app als for donations . Brassier : An mven tion designed to make a mountain out

e e e of a mol hill , and Vic v rsa . ’ m Bubbl e bath : There s no place like foa . ’ in ati n e i Buccaneer : What you ll pay for corn if ﬂ o s ts n . Canoe : Floating conveyance which should be treated like a mischievous boy : it behaves b etter when paddled from the rear .

u h r Centaur: A man with a horse where his pants o g t to be .

LAUGHING STOCK

— Gossamer : The nearest thing to nothing and better in black .

History : A record of events which never should have hap p ened . ’ h re Incongruous : That s where t e laws a made .

i : An e e e . the K ss op ration, cunningly d vis d , for mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are utterly

e e superﬂuous . (Oliv r H rford)

Lo ve: On e darn thing after another .

Male quartette: An animal that has eight legs and ﬂies .

r Ma riage : Public confession of a strictly private intention . (Ian Hay)

’ Meteorolog1st : A man who can look into a girl s eyes and te e e ll wh th r . Mink : When a woman turns around to look at another woman— that ’s mink!

Monologue : On e woman talking . (Not to be confused with Catalogue: two women talking . )

’ Negligee : What she hopes she ll have on when the house burns down .

oe: An - b Ob ill wood wind that no ody blows good . Optimist : A husband who comes home ﬁn ds the place

e e e e c e e litt r d with tir d cigar butts, and x laims, Thank h av ns , ” e e my wife has giv n up cigar ttes at last . Oratory : The art of making a loud noise seem like a deep thought . Parrot : Only living creature with power of speech con

( 1 86 ) LAUGHING STOCK DEFINITIONS tent to repeat just what it hears without trying to make a goo d it story of . Un dign iﬁed: The actio n of a competi tor that the man who

se th e he e u s e word wish s could do hims lf . Wolf: A man who takes out a sweater girl and tries to pull

e h i th wool over er eyes . T red same: On e who hopes the girl

sa will y no .

WHEN IT COMES to that form of facetious jingle called lim ” e the e e o e th Lean ricks, ditor of this comp ndium v t s with e ’ ’ ” e- em- or- e e- em e c tak l av contingent . Lim ri ks made their

ﬁrst e e 1 8 2 0 e e e app aranc in England about , w r populariz d a

e e tur e e an d e ﬂour quart r of a c n y lat r by Edward L ar, hav ished e the e e es ad sinc , for most part in coll g comic magazin , ’ vertisin e salesmen g cont sts and s conventions . Choicest speci mens of th e latter variety are omitt ed from this vo lume as a token of respect to the publishers and the United States Post

th e O e .

e e M e . A bookworm from K nn bunk,

e e e n e . Found pl asur in r adi g Mont , But he gorlittle wallop ’ From Miss Winsor s trollop , “ ’ e e e him And Finn gan s Wak caus d pe .

( 1 9 1 ) LAUGHING STOCK

A Chinaman down in Ky

n e e Me un l Complai d to a fri nd, y . Th e Southern chop suey Is how you say? Phooey?

' he brin m e t e a . And wh n y g ch ck, I sty

A farmer once called his cow Zephyr

he e e e he h r S s em d such an amiabl p y .

e th e e e e Wh n farm r dr w n ar,

She e off ear kick d his ,

e n e e h Which mad him co s id rably d p yr.

There was a young lady named Shanker

e hi Who doz d w l e a ship lay at anchor . She woke in dismay

e she ea the m e Wh n h rd at say, “ ’ e h L t s hoist up t e topsheet and spanker .

There was a young lady n ame d Bright

e ee was h e i Whos sp d muc fast r than l ght . She went out o n e day In a relative way

e e th e s And r turn d on e pr viou night.

There was an old man from Calcutta

e e t u e Who had a most t rribl s tt r . “ ” G— - e me he g giv , said,

e b -b -b- e Som r ad,

-b - - - - - And b b b b b butter .

( 1 9 2 )

LAUGHING STOCK

There was a young girl from Pawtucket

e e e Who w nt down to H ll in a buck t . And when she got there And they asked for her fare “ She e we said, I propos that ducat .

There was a young man from the city

m e h Who t what e thought was a kitty . He gave it a pat

e e . And said, Nic littl cat

e e e . Th y buri d his cloth s, out of pity

There was a young lady named Maude

A sort of society fraud . ’ the In parlor, tis told She was distant and cold

the e ! But on v randa, my Gawd

A senora who strolled on the Corso

Displayed quite a lot o f her torso . A crowd soon collected And no o n e obj ected Though some were in favor of more

A wonderful bird is the pelican i His mouth can hold more than his bel can . He can take in his b eak

Enough food fo r a week . ’

1 I m darned if I know how the helican .

( 1 94 ) LIMERICK LANE

There was a young teacher in Fla .

Whose behavior g rew torrid and Ta . Till an impetuous student Became quite impudent

And kiss ed her right out in th e Ca .

There was a young man from Madras

Whose nostrils were made out of glass . When he twitched them together “ ” e e e e Th y play d Stormy W ath r,

- Which startled King Hailie Selasse .

A painter who came from Great Britain

kn i ain Hailed a lady who sat with her t .

He e e r mark d with a sigh, “ e — e That park b nch w ll , I ’

us e it e e e sitain . J t paint d , right wh r you r

I o nce took the bishop to tea It was just as I thought it would be His rumblin gs abdominal Were sim ply phenomenal

n d r m A eve yone thought it was e .

The ersatz they served in Berlin Made a once- buxom lady so thin That when she essayed To drink lemonade

She e the a an d e in slipp d through str w f ll .

( 1 9 5 ) ln a notable family called Stein ’ ’ ’ e e e e e e E e e Th r s G rtrud , th r s p , and th r s ’ Gert s writing is hazy ’ e are Ep s statu s crazy,

And nobody understands Ein .

A student who hves up in Worcester

r h c r Is eadin g much more than e u este .

LAUGHING STOCK

S e e e o f e E. ASS HAROLD T EN, som tim Gov rnor Minn sota, naval

e e e e e the e e e h ro , and possibl pr sid ntial candidat in n xt l ction, tells about a Swede in Duluth who 1n vited an acquaintance to “ M e e tird his wedding anniversary . y hous ban on right on ” “ h e e e e he e e . e Cril y All y, xplain d Push ll with lbow and wh n ” “ n il e a amst it i . W door op n, put foot g and push way Why l ? ” I have to use my elbow and foot the acquain tance asked . ” “

B 1 n the e e e e . y 1 mi y, said Sw d in a m nacing ton You not 7 - " e e e . coming mpty hand d , I hop 96

“ ’ I D e e e e LIKE you to com right ov r, a man phon d an und r “ ”

e e e the o f e e if e . tak r, and sup rvis burial my poor, d part d w “ ” “ ’ u her Your wife ! gasped the undertaker . Didn t I b ry two years ago ? “ ’ m e e t he . see You don t und rstand, said man You , I arri d ” again . “ ” the e e ! Oh , said und rtak r Congratulations

’ THE TAXICAB stopped in front o f Dolores del Fromage s

ﬂo er. e . e w patio with a J rk , who got out Dolor s was his passion

She e the e had climb d ladd r, wrong by wrong,and had just

e e she e . e nough brains to sit down wh n was tir d Fortunat ly, ’ h girls built like Dolores didn t need brains . S e had a won

derful r ﬁl h The e e e e e p o e all t e way down . j rk fr qu ntly d clar d that only two good things had come out of Hollywood tha t

e e e . y ar, and that Dolor s had both of th m

e The j erk was not exactly a spring chicken . His fri nds swore that he had known Madame Butterﬂy when she was a

e cat rpillar .

( 2 0 2 ) LAST LAUGHS

e e us be the e the e L av going to Stork Club , whistl d j rk “ ’ t r s e ee e let in e e h ough his tor t th Th y won t you th r , ’ e e e e e e e Dolor s remind d him . Don t you r m mb r th y thr w ” you out on your ear last night? “ ” “ I’m e the e be ffe e . Tonight, vow d j rk, will di r nt going in there and throw every on e of them bums out . I want you should stand on the sidewalk and count them as they hit the ” asphalt . Dolores could count straight through to seven so she agreed

" The e the e e to take a chance . j rk strode boldly into ntranc of

. A e e e e the Stork . mom nt lat r a body hurtl d out and land d in a gro tesque heap in the spot where taxicabs sto od in the days

e wh n there were still taxis . “ ” ’ On e e l N n o ca e h e . o t e e , chortl d Dolor s gai y , , m j rk s h “ ’ ’ t e e . et me vo ice from gutt r Don t start counting y . It s again .

A MUSICIAN married a painfully ugly woman for her mon ey

e h er on e and dragg d with him to so iree after another . A

e e in her to et fri nd said, I can und rstand your marry g g your

on all e her hands that dough, but why do you hav to bring ” ou e e e o ? The e e with y v ry tim you g out musician xplain d, “ ’ ” a e It s e si r than kissing her goodbye .

A PUBLISHER once got a staggering bill for a consultatio n

the e e Th e e . e e the with lat l gal light, Max St u r n xt day pub li h “ ” s er e e e he e . Mr e t e . e e h bump d into St u r in l vator St u r, “ ’

e see . e e r m e M . e er a said, it s nic to you again R m mb r, St u , I ’ ” s o m1on I m e not a king your p about this . t lling you .

( 1 0 3) LAUGHING STOCK

BOB CONSIDINE tells a story about a broken down prize ﬁghter who appeared in o n e of the prelimin aries of a fourth

e on e Eve . e e t rat club Christmas It was a mis rabl nigh , with a near blizzard sweeping the city and holding the attendance

he ﬁ h r e e T te a e e e . down to a m r handful . g took t rribl b ating

e e e e on e e e His nos was brok n, his should r dislocat d and y

h n i badly bruised by t e ﬁn al blow that spelled ﬁ s to th e match .

e he e his e e him Wh n cam to in dr ssing room, his manag r told sadly that his share of the purse was only 8 of

e e the e e this, of cours , w nt to manag r and anoth r to his

e e e s conds . A charitabl doctor agr ed to patch him up for

e him e for more . That l ft with xactly to show ’ he e e the o he his night s agonizing work . As stagg r d to d or,

He e e found eight faithful fans awaiting his appearance . h rd d them all into the lunch wagon across the way and ordered “ ’ ” be o th e e th nine hamburgers . That ll 9 ¢ said e ch f b hind e

Th e ﬁshe ﬂi ed counter . old pug d out his last dollar and pp it

the c e i e onto ount r with a magn ﬁcen t gest ure . Church b lls were just b eginning to peal as h e reached the door of the

e He e e ims the e . ﬂ din r tight n d his y coat about n ck and , with f h “ h e o t e e e ee t e e . a wav his hand to wait r, call d, K p chang ” Eas c e e om as o . y , y g

ONE OF THE professors at a London medical college was ap

e the e te point d honorary physician to king, and proudly a notice on his classroom blackboard informing his students of

e e e l this gr at v nt in his ife . When h e returned to his classroom that afternoon the “ students j umped to their feet and solemnly sang God Save ” th n e Ki g .

( 2 9 4 )

LAUGHING STO CK

HARRY EMERSON FOSDICK quotes an essay that a young

e e the e ee schoolgirl onc wrot on subj ct of Qu n Victoria . “ e ee e she as her t Wh n Qu n Victoria was coronat d, took mo to ‘ ’ be She e i as e I will good . follow d th s motto p sionat ly throughout a long and tedious life .

OLD M05 1: rece1ved an anonymous letter on e day which con “ ’ tain ed a single sentence: If you don t stop stealing my chick ’ ” en s I m e was e e , gonna cut out your gizzard . Mos so both r d

he e the co e e that consult d local nstabl , who laugh d, and said, “ ’ h ” e e e t e e . W ll , all you v got to do is stop st aling chick ns ’ ” “ m ee un e e . e e a You don s m to d rstand, said Mos Dis l tt r

mm e e un a ous . Whose chick ns is I suppos d to stop

’ ONE 011 THE late Irvin Cobb s favorite stories concerned a Tammany ward heeler who enlisted the aid of a corps of re

ter e Th pea s to clinch a particularly close assembly el ction . e

e e the e e e e red- e e e l ad r of motl y cr w was a , h ad d sp ci “ fr ckl d e the men with County Clare wn tten all over his map . Wh n e e e e e e e he e a l ction cl rk ask d his nam , how v r, look d hard at “

o f e e i . slip pap r in his hand and said , Isador Shap ro ” h e e ee e e e the o o W at nons ns , sn r d a chall ng r from pp si

’ “ ’ ” tion forces That s not your name and you know it . “ “ ’ ’ It 13 the e e e an d e I m n a too , said r p at r, what s mor , go n

e e 1t e e e - e e vot und r , d spit what any hatch t fac d shrimp lik i ” youmay have to say about r. The ward heeler heard the argument and slapped his man “ ’ ’ me le n e the . . t o h artily on back That s boy, Clancy Don t ’ ff Soitn l e ! body blu you . y your nam is Shapiro

( 2 0 6 ) LAST LAUGHS

THE BETTER Business Bureau spotted a beach concessionaire ’ who are selling adulterated syrups . What s a wrong with ” “

h e e . e e e s . that? e d mand d Custom rs lik , and no g tta ick “ ’ ” e e a e in e ofﬁcial e a e Th r s pur food law this stat , an xpl in d “ ’ e e the the m redien ts patiently . You v got to t ll truth about g ” Th e e of the products you sell . e conc ssionair reluctantly

e e o e e promis d to put up a sign, but r p rt d in d light a month

Th ofﬁcia later that it had doubled his busin ess . e l looked at “ red e e me e the sign . In big l tt rs it proclai d Ev ry drink sold here is guaranteed to be highly adulterated .

CO O e u0te e e e A L RED KID, r ports Q , ask d his moth r for a quart r “ “ h e e t e . e e to take to school . What ask d moth r T ach r ‘ ’ ” l h ! e t he o t e . e say hit p p folks , said son Humph comm nt d “ ’ ’ th e e e o ? e moth r . What you think w is if w ain t p folks ’ You go tell that teacher Ah say taken you often de givin list ’ ’ ” an d put you on de gittzn list '

COMMANDER WALTER DAY reminds me of th e old Scotch~

e e e e e e man (Sandy, of cours ) who us d to com hom drunk v ry ’ n i e his e e n e ght, gr atly to wif s annoyanc . Thinki g to cur him o e an d she ee her e nc for all , put a sh t around should rs and hid

e e e on du e e . e e b hind a h dg dark night In cours , Sandy cam we the e an d e he e re aving down lan , wh n was n arly ab ast of “ ” her she e h l e e . s e se u , jump d out b for him Sandy, said in p “ ” “ c e e ken am? NOO e e the e hral ton s , do y who I , r pli d daz d S “ l ” “ . e e am the andy W l , said his wif , I ould Nick and I coom “ ” “ t o e ee e Gie u e . s carry y Aw l , aw l , said Sandy your

e . am hand, laddi I married to your sister .

( 2 9 7 ) LAUGHING STOCK

A WASHINGTON society leader hosted a big luncheon to help

n h e launch a n ew Red Cross drive . O e of t e high dignitari s in ’ attendance patted the hostess little daughter on the head and ’ w e e e e e . our said , Ar n t a big h lp to our d ar moth r What is ” “ ” for ? e the e task today Our task for today, snapp d littl “ e see e o f et daught r, is to that non you bozos try to g away with any of the silver

’ IN ee ee the THE COURSE of Qu n Victoria s Diamond Jubil , diminutive Princess Liluiokalan i of the Sandwich Islan ds “ e e (now Hawaii) curtsi d to Victoria and said, I too hav Eng ” “ Victor1 e e . a lish blood in my v ins , Your Maj sty said How ” “ ” e ? h o effe . ee e e t e c m or words to that ct You s , b am d Prin “ ”

e M e ate n . c ss, y anc stors Captai Cook 96

JUDGE PECORA recalls a vacation he spent in a Maine ﬁshin g “ ” ? h e h Village . Got a criminal lawyer 1n these parts e ask d t e “ ” e e th e e we e the e of e e . We k p r g n ral stor think hav , was “ ’

e we e 1t . answ r, but can t prov on him

’ ’ GEORGE JEAN NATHAN s angry review of John Barrymore s “ clownin g performance in My Dear Children ’ ’ always said that I d like Barrymore s acting tillthe cows came h e . e e e e e t e e hom W ll , ladi s and g ntl m n , last night cows cam ” e e e e hom . Anoth r min nt critic , Wolcott Gibbs, wound up “ ” a paragraph on o n e of the worst turkeys that ever hit “ the e ﬁn e e w Broadway with comm nt, This is a sampl of hat happens when somebody just goes out of his way to write a ” play .

LAUGHING STOCK

Two s e FLASHILY DRESSED individuals, obviou ly big mark t

e e e e e in e e op rators, w r discussing th ir d als voic s loud nough

be e o n e en d o f the he to h ard from day coach to t other . “ When I ﬁrst looked into that stock it was sellin g at “ ’ I ve e l e e on e . o e 0 0 lam nt d watch d it g up st adi y to 4 , to 5 , ” “ an d e 6 0 e e e . th n to , and dammit, I n v r bought a shar Think ’ ? ” h “ m it s good for a still further rise asked t e other . I certa ly ’

h . e e t e ﬁrst . e e 1t s ﬁn do , ass rt d You mark my words B for ’ ” ishe sto ck ll d e . , that s ll at a dollar

D G a e New e URIN THE t xicab shortag in York, a popular r frain

’ It isn t raining rain, you know . ’ i ” It s ha ling taxicabs .

On e e e e e bemin ked e e a n de b j w l d and dowag r, op r bou d,

ir BMT s a ed e e e e t e . p of g tting a cab , and cond sc nd d to rav l by

she e she e e her e As sway d on a strap r mark d loudly to scort , “ ’ This is the ﬁrst time I ve been on this smelly subway in

t An e e e n f e her twen y years . old man s at d n arby i orm d ’ ” e e e e ! grav ly, Lady, w v miss d you

A GREEK PROFESSOR tore his suit and took it to a tailor who

e The i e e the actually had b een born in Ath ns . ta lor xamin d “ ” “

e e ? Yes the e . suit and ask d , Euripid s , said prof ssor “ ” Eumenides .

DESCRIPTION of a cow followed by a couple of ducks : milk and quackers .

( 2 1 0 ) LAST LAUGHS

A e e the e A FR IL, tir d littl man told his doctor that d mands of “ - his zo o pound wife were just about killing him . I work twelve hours a day to support her in a style to which she ” “ e e e h e e e n v r was accustom d, e said bitt rly, and th n I hav to stay up until three or four every morning doing the rhumba ” and the conga with her in night clubs . “ e o f the No woman can stand a nightly routin that sort, “ Let her e her e o n e doc assured him . hav way absolut ly for — — year give in to her every whim and you have my assur ’ ” ance that a year from today she ll be dead . “ ” “ m h e h e it ? e e t . You giv op , said man Can I count on

e n ee the . You hav my guara t , said doctor ’ The scene now shifts to the little man s back yard exactly

6 e B ime he ec he 3 4 days lat r . y this t was such a wr k that had to be ee e he wh l d around in a chair, and his hands shook so that had to use both of them to get a glass of orange juice to his

H e . e two e lips sat bundl d up in rugs , shiv ring, and watching

e e e e e . e e she his wif , huski r than v r, b ating a rug Ev ry tim f e her e e the e - e e e ollow d through with b at r, cloth s lin quiv r d

e h h h t e ﬂew t e ee e . S e lik a violin string, and rug into br z

e the a ian pack d all wallop of g t tank .

The e e her e e to littl man watch d in wond r, and cackl d him “ ’ ” e s lf . And to think that this time tomorrow she ll be dead .

THE e e LAST TIME Eddi Cantor cam East from Hollywood, he e e e e e d clar d that his train l ft from Tracks S v n, Eight, and “ ”

e . e ee t n e Nin Must hav b n a mighty long rai , comm nted “ ’ ” “ e It . I . t the n e som body wasn t that, said Cantor was w h ” e n ee . S e th in e lady ngi r brought e train sid ways .

( 2 1 1 ) LAUGHING STOCK

Two UPSTATE CITIZ ENS were bo asting of the respective re nown of their local rabbis . “ f e e e o o n e . Ev rybody knows Rabbi Coh n Syracus , said

e he e n he e th e Wh n go s to Washi gton, is invit d to stay at ” White House . “ ’ ” ? h few e e e What s that deprecated t e other. A y ars b for the o ur ‘ o f ff e e war Rabbi Solomon Bu alo visit d Rom , and

lk th e e ? took a wa with e Pope . You know what happ n d Hun ‘ ’ d e of s e s — e e e e r ds Italian ask d, Who that bald h ad d littl f llow with Rabbi Solomon? ’

A PUBLISHER was dandling his pretty s ecretary on his lap o n e

‘ e The afternoon when the wife barged in unexpect dly . pub “ lisher ma n iﬁcen t e e e n An d e , with g pr s nc of mi d, said , tak

e Kreiswirth : e . e : this wir , Miss Atlas Furnitur Company G nts ’ I don t want to hear any more about critical shortages . I sim ply cannot continue to maintain my ofﬁce efﬁ c1en tly with ” n e only o chair .

RS . Z h n ﬁrs e MR . AND M TOPLIT were av1 g their t dinn r at a

e e e e e e the fancy r staurant, and w r consid rably puzzl d wh n waitress put ﬁn ger bowls in front of them at the conclusion “ ’ ’ e e I b ffee e e e e e . t e of th ir r past can t co , b caus w v alr ady had ’ ” f ee e e e e ffee e e Mr. co f , and b sid s it do sn t look lik co , r ason d “ ’ ” “ ”

. h e I t e e . e Toplitz I think ll ask waitr ss No , papa, b gg d hi ’ ’ ” s e . le h . Mr wif Don t t er think we re yokels But . Toplitz

“ ” ‘ be e or are e e ? e was not to dissuad d . what th s things h in “ ’ ”

e . e e ﬁn er the e W su quir d Th y r g bowls, said waitr ss ith a ” “ e il k a e . see e . . as p rior sm You , exult d Mrs Toplitz You ” foolish question; you get a foolish answer!

( 2 1 2 )

LAUGHING STOCK

THE T e e WALL STREE Journal t lls about an old Fr nch woman, e e e e f e the ee xtr m ly d a , who liv d across str t from a munitions

th On e e a plant being operated by e Nazis . day an Am ric n

h e e e e an d t e ar. sh ll mad a dir ct hit, factory w nt up with a ro “ ”

The e the u e in e t e . old lady h ard so nd and said, Com , Yv t “ e the e ea e she e M e Wh n s rvant app r d , add d, y h aring must ’ ’ be n T the ﬁrst e I v e c improvi g . hat s tim e h ard you kno k on th e door in twenty years .

ANOTHER STORY of the days when the American armies threw the Nazis out of France concerns a rabbit hunt that a grate

e On e ful Fr nch landowner staged for some Yank ofﬁcers . of the Americans spotted a rabbit and was about to shoot when “ ’ ’ the e e e Fr nchman cri d, For God s sak , don t shoot . That is ” fe e h e e e e . w e t e Rob ert . W n v r shoot at Rob rt A minut s lat r party ﬂushed another cottontail but again the Frenchman “ ! - ul said , No , no That is Fru Fru . It wo d not do to shoot at ” - F . dear ru Fru Finally a third rabbit bounded into sight . “ ” h e t e e e l n s e . Now, cri d Fr nchman . Fir at wi l , mo i urs That lw ” is Francois . We a ays shoor at Francois !

’ O TOOLE REPORTED to th e superintendent that a bit of an ex “ e h n e An plosion had marr d t e day on a w construction job . y ” “ i ? e h e t e t e e . W e e body hurt in qu ri d sup r ll , th r was ” ’ l e T le h i e O o o . He t e d Vil Clancy, r ca l d wint up with of a ” “ ” him ? e e bang . How long did it take to come down p rsist d “ ’ ’ he n him e t e . a see e sup r Faith , I didn t com down , admitt d ’ ’ O To ole e e et , but if it didn t tak him long r to g back than h i ” o u e stida . it took him to g p , got back y y

( 2 1 4 ) LAST LAUGHS

n e a su F o o e E. e s BACK FROM a wi t r vac tion in nny l rida, J L wi reported that a high spot of his sojourn came when a b eautiful

n irl 1n th e e at n su s m e e you g g scanti st of b hi g it , ca up and ask d “ un was ma n iﬁcen tl him to teach her how to sw . I doing g y ” ‘ ‘ her o e e e i e- a a e with , says J , until som nos y l f gu rd c m along h ” an d made us go in t e water .

Lewis declares that Frankie Sinatra went in for a duck in the o n e ﬁ h briny morning . A s looked him over and grumbled “ ’ e I ve ee all ime to a fri nd , s n kinds of bait in my t , but by ” e tu e this N p n , is ridiculous !

( 2 1 5 ) LAUGHING STOCK

LORD HALIFAX amuse d a banquet audience gathered to honor him in Washington with the story o f a tramp ship with a heterogeneous passenger list that stranded on an idyllic Poly i n es an islet .

h The e Soon t e little spot was a b eehive of activity . G rmans

The e were drilling the natives into an army . Am ricans

e e The s opened a general stor and auto ag ncy . Australian

- e e started a race track ; the French a restaurant . Two Scots w r

ﬁn an cin the e e e e e g whol show, and a coupl of Englishm n w r still standing around waiting to be introduced .

A PAN- AMERICAN Airlines pilot discovered that a colored

e e e ee e m chanic had n v r b n up in a plan , and took him up for

n e the e a trial spin over Miami Bay o e afternoon . Wh n plan

e the e e e cam to a stop , m chanic climb d out ging rly and said, “ ” “ ” m ? e e I shore is obliged for both oh de rides . Both qu ri d “ ” “ h e e t e . e e on e . pilot Th r was only Ah counts two , corr ct d “ ’ ’ ”

fust last n . th e mechanic. Mah n and mah

m hi OE LA R . e e s J URIE, J knows a f llow who sp nt so uch on

girl he ﬁn ally had to marry her for his money .

HE e e the e T TIME has arriv d to tak you to op rating room, “ ’ the said a doctor to his patient . Now don t you worry about ’ I ve e e e e outcome . lost my last l v n pati nts straight , and if ’ e e in the e e th r s anything at all law of av rag s , you should pull

e e e e we r ? through . Is th r anything I can do for you b for sta t “ ” “ H e me e e e the e . Th r c rtainly is , said pati nt grimly lp on ” with my pants and vest .

( 2 1 6 )

LAUGHING STOCK

’ KNUTE ROCKNE was once a gues t- o f- honor at a sports writers

e e e the e e ed ai th e en d th e dinn r, and was s at d at l vat d s at of

The e k e he banquet hall . chairman had promis d Roc n ’ oul e e ee the e e w dn t hav to mak a sp ch , but g n ral acclaim ll “ ” ﬁn a e him ee . e e e e y forc d to his f t G ntl m n, said Rockn , — “ lookin g down at his well fed and lubricated admirers . You make me feel like the drunk in Central Park who looked into the e s n i m e e e lagoon, blink d with a to sh nt, and b ckon d a cop ‘ ’ ‘ ’ ﬂi her he he ee e . O s t to his sid , said, Isn t that moon I sh in ’ ‘ ’ ‘ ’ ? he e e e T t . e that wat r hat it is , said cop H av ns to B tsy, ‘ e e th e e e et marv l d the drunk . How e d vil did I v r g away up ’ here?

WHEN BURB AUM came up on a charge of burglary he insisted

he e e efe e that was comp t nt to act as his own d nce attorn y . “ ’ ” “ ”

e i h . e e r e t e e Go . Th r s no law against , rul d judg ah ad Burbaum stamped up and down in front of the empty wit “ ’ ” e ﬁn er i e e t . ? n ss chair, and point d a g at What s your nam h h e e e e . e e th e e inquir d Th n jump d into chair and answ r d, “ ” Burb um Jacob a . ’ he h Again paced up and down t e courtroom . What s ” u m ? h b s ess he e . n t e he e e your ask d Bounding i to chair, r pli d, “ ” Cloaks and suits .

Burbaum e e h Now r ally turn d on t e heat . Assuming a

e e h e e e e ee e Napol onic pos , d mand d, pausing b tw n ach word " - e - - - - h - — for dramatic effect . And wh re were you on t e night of

1 8 January ,

the e th e e e e he Back in witn ss box, pictur of innoc nc , “ ” e e ? Me? point d to hims lf and said, Who

( 2 1 8) FAYE EMERS ON not only b ecame a picture st ar an d marrie d ’ es e so n she e e n ew— e airl a pr id nt s ; uncov r d a brand w ll , f y

n ew tu e e kangaroo story . Pop Kangaroo rn d to his wif and “ ” e e e are the ? t e said, Myrtl , wh r Junior and baby Myr l

e e t e has ee look d down and cri d wi h anguish, Som body b n ” c in e pi k g my po ck t .

96 « t

LOU HOLTZ tells about the kindly Mother Sup erior of a con vent who took in a rather dim- witted refugee and made him

e six ofﬁcial janitor of the establishment . Aft r months of sturm “ ” d a he e it she an s let o . dr ng had to him g I hat d to do , said , “ but I simply could not break him of the habit of rushing up ‘ to m e in front of important visitors and calling me Mother ’ Shapiro .

WALTER WINCHELL attended a dinner party for which Bea trice Lillie (Lady Peel in private ‘ life) had trotted out the i “ ’ fam ly pearls . A malicious rival murmured I can t b elieve

t e e are e e e . e hos p arls g nuin , my d ar Th y say you can always ” “ ” e e let m e ? e t ll by biting th m . Would you try C rtainly,

e e e e ee said Miss Lilli promptly . But r m mb r, my sw t, that ’ ” c e e e you an t t ll r al p arls with false teeth .

bed e A BEAUTIFUL young lady lay on a hospital , drap d only

be - e fﬁ i - d e . e c en t m en e e in in a sh t Two looking young , dr ss d

i e e e the ee e e her wh t , approach d , pull d back sh t, and xamin d “ ” e ? with minut care . Will you have to operate said the girl “ ’ apprehensively . You ll have to wait for the doctor to decide ” h “ ’ ” on e t e men . e re n the that, said of W o ly hous e pain ters . LAUGHING STOCK

’ IN Ho p E s t e The e th e e BOB pic ur , Princ ss and Pirat , biggest laugh came when the pursuing galleon unfurled “ ” e ? skull and crossbon s . You know what that means said “ ” “ ”

n e . u e d . e . e Pri c ss S r , said Hop Io in

n » 96 « c

THE FIRST YEAR that a group o f Bahamian sportsmen intro duced the ll the e racing in Nassau, spirit was wi ing but hors s

The e e th e e were weak . bigg st hors on e ntir island was about the e size of a Sh tland pony . A racing card was scheduled for every Wednesday during th e e th e e ee two e e e hi e s ason . For s cond m t, g ntl m n r d a rig

e The e let e e to driv to th e track . driv r his hors ambl along to “ ’ ” s e We d e et t e uit its lf . lik to g to that rack today, Driv r, “ ” “

he me . sa on e t n . G et e id of a mov on that nag No suh , “ h hea e am e e e the said t e driver ﬁrmly . Dis hors nt r d in third ” race .

’ ON FINN AN ﬁrst e the e e the EG S day as a r gular on polic forc , ’ e e t e I m e e Li ut nant old him , Finn gan , giving you an asy b at — to start with just from the station house to that red light ” “ h n e dis e e . e e t e and back . Fin gan app ar d for two days Wh r ” “ ’ ? e l devil were you roared th e Lieutenant . Didn t I t l you ” “ ” e e e red ? You your b at was just from h r to that light did, “ ee e red the agr d Finn gan, but that light was on back of a ” truck .

JACK BENNY says that h e knows the only y es- man who ever “ ” The e s e dared to say no to a ﬁlm magnate . magnat a k d him “ Do you think there ever will be another producer with my ” ? - genius The y es man came through .

( 2 2 0)

LAUGHING STOCK

THE e e The Ox- LAST TIME Walt r Clark, who wrot Bow ” e e e the how Incid nt, Visit d my hous , I told him story of Quentin Reynolds once won the intercollegiate plunging

f the . e e e e e championship Qu nt n v r had plung d in his li , but on

’ the ee e des day of m t, Brown s star plung r took sick and, in “ eration the G et me th e e p , Brown coach said, bigg st guy on ” ﬁlled e ir. e the campus in his place . Qu nt was Th y him with

S e the e e the . cotch , and wh n gun bark d , push d him into pool

B th e e e e ee the y tim th y haul d him out, slightly gr n around e e he the e en d th e n k e dg s , had hit opposit of ta and brok n the distance record . ’ e e e w e Clark was unimpressed . W v got a f llo up in Caz “

New he real e e . novia, York, said, who is a distanc plung r

On e e he bet fe he day in Bar Harbor, Main , a llow could “ plunge all the way ! to Key Did he win his ” “ ” ? l e e e s bet e . n I gasp d Not o y that, av rr d Clark , but I gu s

He e the he must have taken too deep a breath . cam up in harbor of Rio de Janeiro .

Z I e the e THAT CA ENOV A lad had quit a way with ladi s , too , “ e He ﬁn all e hun tm e continu d Clark . y got kill d in a g accid nt,

e e e e and the story around our parts is that St . P t r turn d a littl pale when our friend presented himself at the Pearly Gates . ‘ ’ f e St . e e e e or Just a minut , my boy, said P t r, and disapp ar d ‘ ’ ? ’ e e W the e e St . e e som tim . hat s id a said our boy wh n P t r ‘ ’ ’ ‘ ’ ’

e ? It St . e e e . e cam back Don t I rat this plac wasn t that, P t r ‘ i the e e e assured him . I was j ust lock ng up all wom n b for I ’ let you in . “ ’ e ﬁrml e e Walt r, I said y , I don t want to h ar anoth r ” word about that fellow from Cazenovia .

( 2 2 2 ) LAST LAUGHS

AN INTREPID big- game hunter was on his way back to camp ’ wit h a record day s bag when a huge lion suddenly stalked

h The te o out o f t e jungle not thirty paces away . hun r had nly

n e e He e the was e o e bull t l ft in his gun . wait d until lion r ady

— Th u he r to e e . e to sp ing, ok car ful aim and miss d jig was p ,

‘ ﬁ r — Th too gu ed but then a miracle oc curred . e lion sprang

e e ﬁfteen ee e o the - e who far, and land d in a h ap f t b y nd hunt r, made th e Stockade in safety . The next afternoo n the hun ter went in to his back yard to

He e practice a little shoo ting at close range . h ard a strange

e e the e e ee ed e to see nois outsid f nc , and p r ov r it what was afoot . — It was the lion practicing short leaps!

THE a n d t d e Ge . e PRESENCE of tha oughty m rtin t, R ginal Hotchkiss (retired) and his wife as guests of hon or of t he Hillsdale Country Club February 2 2 dinner dance was a source o f deep pride to the socially ambitious president of

n i e — e n e that orga zation . Choking with s lf importanc and rv h h ousn ess e e t e t e e e . , ros to in roduc G n ral “ ’ ” m h e hi e n en en e e s . Ladi s g , b gan, cl aring throat Our

e famous gu st tonight bears a name familiar to you all . Its last syllable is what I hear he has given his wife every n ight for

— - — fo rty years . Here he is that battle scared I mean bottle

— I e hki k Er t e e e Hotc c . scarred m an in r pid warrior, G n ral

n m e e e — He i e e e . pardo , G n ral G n ral Hotchkiss , of cours w ll ’ — ’ give us our Birthin gto n s Washday I mean Washin gto n s ” Birthday address . ’ The General s own remarks were so methin g o f an ant i LAUGHING STOCK

A HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER famous for unique use of the Eng lish language (this is o n e joke book that positively will n ot mention his name) recently startled an associate by the pro “ ’ n oun cemen t use e , It s no trying to bury your h ad in an ” h ’ ostrich . T e same gentleman s newest picture was produced in Th he me . e e t e Pomona morning aft r, a comp titor on Wil shire Boulevard and said My picture last night was the most

e e sensational success in the history of the industry . Th y w pt

e o ff e e e e like babi s . They fell their s ats with laught r I n v r saw ” “ ”

n i . he e e e e t e t . anythi g lik List n, said comp titor I happ n d ” “ ” b h e e e u e e . t e to at that pr v mys lf Oh, said produc r, his “ ’ ”

m e . e . e e e e e fac falling But b li v , David, it s much b tt r now

e e e e e NOBODY COULD und rstand how a robust, h arty f mal lik the Widow Cassidy could choose for her second husband a

n e e e e ski ny little shrimp like Finnegan . Nor w r th y surpris d

e e e e e e ex1sten ce he e wh n, aft r two y ars of h np ck d , qui tly

Th n i e e h e his e e . e t e e fold d up and di d ght b for fun ral , wif ,

e e th e not too downcast, ask d his fri nd Clancy to sit up with “ ’ ” h . e o e e e s e e . body And mind y don t g to slap in th r , warn d ’ ” The e th e a e l cat s dragg d him out into e parlor twic lr ady .

ED WYNN RECALLS that on e of his ﬁrst professional appear an ces e - e e t was mad as monologist in a gas lit, outdoor amus m n ’ The h er iﬁc . e e t r e park applaus , says , wasn t , but it was v ry

e he e e e e - st ady; in fact, b gan to h ar scatt r d hand claps almost as h ﬁft he e e . e h t e soon as b gan his act Aft r his bow, stag “ ’ e e o ff h ff the e e e manag r haul d him by t e scu of n ck . Th y r ” “ ’

he e . e e not applauding you, you fool , grumbl d Th y r slap ping mosquitoes !

( 2 2 4)

LAUGHING STOCK

IN S GS Ar s w e n e HOT PRIN , kansa , rit s Amy Va d rbilt, I ’ he et — e I. n t a e e saw some G . s goadi g town s p Indian v n rabl “ - do gent with two pigtails and a gold toothed smile . How ? ” “ ” I. s e . e re o u e n o n e the G . y lik Hot Spri gs of ask d W ll, “ ’ ” e the n We it we? pli d I dian, got rid of , didn t

hi ﬁ t he was e . e s rs A FARM LAD was draft d Hom on furlough , “ ’ ” h ﬁn h e e e e r e . e e ask d what thought of a my lif It s , d clar d “ ’ ’ e The f the e e nthusiastically . ood s good , work s asy, and b st ”

e let ee e e in th e . of all , th y you sl p r al lat mornings

THE n VII e e LATE Ki g Edward , att nding a royal conclav in

e e o ff hirn self o n e e . D nmark , slipp d for a walk by aft rnoon

He e e h e he n e e e wand r d furt r than had i t nd d, and was v ry f ’ “ happy to thumb a ride back in a armer s hay wagon . Drop ’ ” m e the e e he th e e e at King s gat hous , told farm r, who start d “ ” “ ’ e e are ? I m with surpris , and ask d Who you Edward VII ” “ ” of the Of e ar . e England, said King simply cours you , h I’m h e t e e t e e . roar d farm r, and Pop

e he e e e e e th e e Aft r had dropp d his gu st as r qu st d, farm r ” “ ’ e e wh o t ? ask d a s rvant, Say, is hat man , anyhow That s ” VII h e Th e d t e . ﬂabber aste e Edward , said s rvant g farm r “ e e e th e e b e e scratch d his h ad, and th n told s rvant, You had tt r ’ e e I I m h e . t e t ll His Maj sty that , at l ast, was only fooling not ” Pope at all !

“ ’ e e I ve e . e ﬁn OUCH , cri d Edgar B rg n got a splint r in my ” “ ” “ er. e e e c . e g Oh, oh, comm nt d Charli Mc arthy Anyon I know?

( 2 2 6 ) LAST LAUG HS

AN a e om e l he of WHEN JIMMY DUR TE c m h from A aska, told “ he ee e h e a sign had s n outsid an igloo whic r ad , Eskimo Spitz ~’ “ ’ — - u a Dogs Five Bucks A piece . What s so nusual bout ? ” “ ” “ e e . a ex e . that som body ask d Unusu l, plod d Jimmy I got ’ ' ﬁfty dollars that says the Eskimo can t do it

“ ’ v ﬁ ll WILLIAMS was jubilant . I e n a y cured my husband ” “ ” in his h s e e e . e h er n e of bit g nails , d clar d Land sak s , said igh “ ? ” “ . e ee bor How I hid his t th . ( 1 2 7 ) LAUGHING STOCK

W e me I ONDER if you can locat my husband for , a lady,

f e e e e e o e . just arriv d in H av n, ask d wistfully Saint P t r “ ’ ? ” “ h e St . e e . t e . What s his nam said P t r Bill Smith , said lady “

e e er e e e . We My goodn ss, madam , Saint P t d clar d pati ntly ’ have about four million Bill Smiths up here . Can t you think ” “ ” e n e ? e e the of som distinguishi g charact ristic W ll , mus d “ he . e e e e e e lady I do r m mb r that just b for di d, my Bill told ’ me e e he d tu e . that if I v r was unfaithful to him, rn in his grav “ ” “

e m e e e e . o out That mak s it si pl , laugh d Saint P t r Boy, g W ” and page hirling Willie .

A PATIENT LABORED industriously to convin ce his oculist that “ ” h he e . e e t e saw things doubl Th r is no such malady, said ’

f . e ee . e e u oculist irmly You v b n drinking Wh n you sob r p , K ” “ e be . e e e e ev rything will 0 . I was n v r mor sob r in my ” “ h h e e he i e t e e . On t e t lif , said pati nt bus coming h r , g rl sit ’ m ee e see ting opposite e s med like two girls . It s b cause I was ” “ ”

e h . . t e ing doubl Twins , no doubt, said oculist I always ” “ eat on e e e e e the e . gg for br akfast, p rsist d pati nt This morn ” “ The ing I could have sworn there were two on the plate . ” h c An d e t e . waitr ss probably took pity on you, said o ulist ’ I’m h f n . T e ee now I ll have to ask you to move o a busy man . ” n is te dollars .

The e e ﬁve- the e pati nt thr w a spot on d sk and said, All ”

e . right, smarty pants , hav it your way

w e the s A BEAUTIFUL CLERK in a Holly ood bookstor told bo s , “ ” “ ” h ee . e e . e e e t e I n d a holiday I look t rribl Nons ns , laugh d “ ’ “

e e e the e er e boss . It s not nons ns , insist d cl rk Th mal cus tomers are e e b ginning to count their chang .

LAUG HING STOCK

B e f e e I. e THE F. . want d a ugitiv v ry badly on charg s of mur

few e e der e e . e , rap , arson, and a oth r minor t chnicaliti s Th y

e e e him e e e coll ct d six old pictur s of , and rush d th m to polic

e e l - all e the . e ov r country Shortly th r aft r, a sma l town con “ stable wired Hereby acknowledge receipt of pictures of the ’ ’ r e e ﬁve six bi ds you re looking for . Happy to say w v got of them already rounded up and are hot on the trail of th e ” sixth .

Co USINs e the t e e e NORMAN , ditor of Sa urday R vi w of Lit ra

e e e f W the tur , cam hom rom ashington with story of a golf match between Supreme Court Justice Stone and a distin

The e guished Virgin ia bishop . bishop miss d four straight

e e shots in a bunker without saying a single word . Justic Ston “ e e e e e e watch d him with som amus m nt and r mark d , Bishop , h ” that is t e most profane silence I ever heard .

THE B e s e OSTON TRANSCRIPT, forc d to usp nd publication

e e e e ffe e e e som y ars ago , b caus of public indi r nc , onc stood ’ high in the ranks of th e country s newspapers . Among Bos ’ - ton s own Brahmins and blue bloods it was in a class by itself . A B eacon Hill butler is reported once to have come to his

e e e e e e e mploy r and announc d, Sir, two r port rs and a g ntl ” h e he e man from t e Transcript are outsid to see you . T pap r

e h e e i di d b ecause t e youn g r generation would have non of t . Kenneth Stewart writes that in its last days it received a letter “ e e e e which r ad, Pl as canc l our subscription . Grandma just

died .

( 2 30 ) LAST LAUGHS

WHEN Mo ss HART signed up to tour the Far East in his own “ ” The Man e n e he e ea the Who Cam to Din r, gr w a b rd for

ur e . t e e e e e e e e p pos His bro h r B rni , ncount ring him un xp ct dly

e the e e e e e - e e i e wh n whisk rs w r a m r four inch bristl , r co l d in “ ’ e e You e ee ! horror and xclaim d , couldn t hav b n born You ” were trapped!

’ ” PAUL ROB ESON S triumphal portrayal of Othello stirred an old ham in the audience to a bit of reminiscing during th e “ ” s e e e the h e an e e . h s cond int rmission I all n v r forg t day, n oun ced in a whisper that could be heard within a radius of “ e the e e e e two squar blocks , tim Booth play d Haml t to my ” - e e . e e ! grav digg r Ah , g ntl man, what a cast that was

THE LATE Aimee Semple McPherson really slipped into high “ n r e gear when th e plate was b eing passed around . Co t ibut ” “ h he h t e e s . e t e to caus , would chant Mak your donation to

ﬁ ht e e e e e a- l good g l st you sp nd t rnity roasting in h ll , wai ing, ” “ ” d a - sq rin - an e a s ee . s e g, and gna hing of your t th Si t r, pro “ ’ es e o n e - e e e e e e be t t d not ntir ly conv rt d soul , I can t n v r ’ ’ ” a- n ashin f ee e m g o my t th b cause I plu b ain t got any . “ ” “ ee h e e be e . T t , said Aim sharply, will provid d

A RURAL NEWSPAPER in Alabama reports the s tory of an old Negro who was out fishin g when a huge tarpon caught his b e The e ook and yank d him overboard . startl d fisherman ’ e the e t e e fi er cam to surfac and splu t r d , What I cain t gg out, ’ ’ ” is dis nigger a- fishin or is dis fish a-n 1ggerm 9

( 2 3 1 ) LAUGHING STOCK

S e the ee BETTY MITH , who wrot book about that tr in Brook

e e e T the e lyn, says that wh n an optimist d clar s his is b st of ” ’ e th e e - in - the- ess1m 1st all possibl worlds , it s dy d wool p who “ ’ ” always answers You re probably right . 96

A CAPTAIN in an infantry unit made up for the most part of draftees from the Cicero district o f Chicago summoned o n e “ e e the r —in ducuo n e o f his lieutenants . B tt r look up p e r cord “ ’ h I e eyer he e r s e . ve e of Privat Spo t , said notic d that y tim ” ﬁres hlS p 1stol on the range he w1p es o ff th e ﬁn ger- marks ! 96 — A HOT DISPUTE b etween three tough young marines two

th e e f f 1n Te e ee— t e from Brooklyn, oth r rom a arm nn ss is

e e ee e e o f the e port d by Emory F rr , a Fi ld Dir ctor Am rican

The e e e e e Red Cross . Brooklyn boys w r braz nly ssaying to t ll

the o n e from Tennessee how a farm really should be run . It was their interesting contention that the only reason a farmer had a hard life was b ecause of his stubborn 1n s1sten ce about “ ’ m Ya em ef e th e keep g cows . gotta milk b or daylight in ’ f e If a morning and a t r dark at night . it wasn t for that y could ’ Th live like a reg lar human declared o n e . e farm boy

e e m e 1 n e e wav d his h ad n gat o and tri d to xplain , but with his ’ Southern drawl he was n t able to get two words out before “ ’ h h Wh e t e other Brooklyn expert had t e ﬂo o r. y in h ll can t some smart feller make them cows give milk in daylight?

he e e . e e e . d mand d His buddy promptly answ r d , Not a chanc ’ ” e h They re too damn modest . F rree says that at this point t e Tennessean swallowed his chew and clutched feebly fo r the

o f the rail ship .

( 2 32 )

LAUGHING STOCK

PHIL BAKER claims that h e knows alittle blonde who an swers — ‘ h “ to the name o f Sugar plum Jefferson . S e can swing a y o “ ” all e C le the e of e she and a hon y hi with b st th m, although

ee she e her t e ac was born in Can arsie . It s ms acquir d Sou h rn

n e cent by dri king out of a Dixi Cup . Sugar- plum gave up eating grapefruit when they started

t e he o Ah e e e put ing ch rries on t t p . n v r paid no mind wh n the ef e e e she ex n e grap ruit squirt d in mah lil old y , plai d, “ ’ e e n a but wh n it start d shootin can on b lls , that was too ” much .

AN ALMOST unb elievable story of Portuguese muddling in the days before a strong dictatorship was clamped upon the country concerns a su dden decision to build a miniature “ ” a e h e e as M ginot Lin along t e Spanish bord r . A sp cial tax w levied on the entire n ation to p ay for this wall and all the ’ “ country s b est engineers combined fo rces to make it im

h ff e pregnable . T e work went forward and all Portugal pu d with satisfaction as the huge gun s were wheeled into place

- f e - e ece defen and pill box a t r pill box was r t d , bristling with

e r o f e e Th e the e i siv appa atus v ry sort . day for d dicat on of the in e e e l e e e l cam amid univ rsa r joicing, but sudd nly som

r s e e e e de body made a ho rible di cov ry . Ev ry gun and v ry fen se mechanism had been built facing Portugal instead of

e Spain . Th re was a series o f explosive consultations in which

e e e e e e ﬁlled the air e many pictur squ Portugu s pith ts , but som

in e o f h e u th g was sav d out t e wr ckage after all . A slick Port — guese businessman sold the whole defense line to Spain at

o 3 ¢ on th e dollar .

( 2 34) LAST LAUGHS

THE CONCORD BOOKSHOP staff is still puzzling over an episode

’ “ that occurred during last year s Christmas rush . A lady and

The e h er daughter asked for a book on boat building . cl rk ’ e e e e e the e show d th m Chap ll s standard volum , but 8 pric “ ” o t e e e e the see tag b h r d th m Phon papa, said lady, and if ” h e ll The e e e is wi ing to spend that much . daught r r port d in “ due r e the e it . cou s , Papa says h ll with You should buy a ” Hershey bar instead .

I THINK I can explain why my husband feels down in the ” “ e e e the mouth , said a hous wif thoughtfully . I forgot to tak feathers o ff the duck we had for din ner .

’ GERTRUDE STEIN S publisher once sent her a royalty check “ ” for two thousand thousand dollars dollars and signed 1t “ ” em e e the Random is a Random is a House . Miss St r turn d “ e the e e e ch ck with angry command, Cut this nons ns and mak ” e er my ch ck out prop ly .

BRANCH CAB ELL points out that old General Nathan Forrest

e Th kn w how to cut straight through Army red tape . e Rich mond Museum treasures a document m which an Army cap

e f e e f h h o r e e . On t e it t e tain mad a ormal r qu st l av back of , “ h e e e e : e fort right G n ral scrawl d his r ply I tol you twi t, ” r it ! Consa n , No

e e — - - ﬁve e JONATHAN WHITE , singl , w ll to do , and thirty , hy d ’ peacefully at th e Methodist Sisters Boarding House until the night the alert lady in charge heard him drop his shoes on the

ﬂoor twice . ( 2 35 ) LAUGHING STOCK

e e e WHEN THE YANKS captur d Bonn, hundr ds of th m

e e the e ee e mu dropp d in to rubb r at hom of B thov n, long a

e e e . s um, and miraculously undamag d by bombardm nt A

e e ee e e be cocky s rg ant, who had b n a m mb r of a jazz band

e the the ee e for war, caught sight of piano at which B thov n

e e e the red compos d his Fifth Symphony, jump d ov r ribbon “ ” e it e - on e that guard d , and play d Rum and Coca Cola with “ e e e e ﬁn ger. I gu ss v ry pianist who com s into this joint plays ” h “ e et he t e e . som thing on that piann , said to old guid Not ” “ h e e e he e t e 1 e . e e quit , said gu d Wh n Pad r wski was h r , said '” it would be sacrilege if he touched it

J) 96

A WEALTHY but unprincipled playwright declared himself in on a regular Monday night poker session which some o f the ’ e e e e town s l ading authors , produc rs , and actors hav conduct d

h e e e e . T e r for y ars playwright lost s v ral hundr d dolla s , and

e e the th n w lched on debt .

e e n ew he e e e R c ntly a play had writt n op n d on Broadway,

m n i cen e ef e he ﬁn al a ﬁ t . t and laid a g gg Just b or curtain , a rat

h e e th e scampered across t e stage . Two m mb rs of e pok r club “ ” jump ed up and yelled author! author! 96

A MAN fell overboard from a Caribbean liner and screamed — for help when he saw a school of man eating sharks heading “ ’ e e I in his direction . A famous criminal lawy r call d ll help ” h Th He e n t e e . e e e you . dov i to oc an sharks imm diat ly formed a two - lane escort and convoyed the two m en back h “ ’ ” h “ t e . e e t e e e . to boat It s a miracl , cri d r scu d man Not at ” “ ’ ” e fe t the e . e e all , said lawy r M r pro ssional court sy, hat s all .

( 2 36 )

LAUGHING STOCK

FRED ALLEN and his wife Portland were strolling down “ Eighth Avenue when Fred spotted a sign that read Barnum ” “ ’

e . I e o e e e e . e and Bail y ll hav to g th r , announc d Fr d Wh n ’ ” “

e e et e e c1rcus . e e e thos two f llows g tog th r, it s a B tt r tak ”

e e ee e e e e . th s ch s sandwich s with you, sugg st d Portland “ ’ ” ? e th What s the idea quoth Fred . Memento s to take to e ” “ ” “ e r e The u ? a e e e . circ s Two of th m m m nto s, said Portland ” e rest are camemb rt .

” WHY DOES a chicken cross the road ? “ ’ — That wasn t no chicken that was my wife . In dex

c an d ba d 1 0 1 6 0 6 1 z 1 A tors , good , , 4 , , 7 , 7 , Borgia, Lucre ia , 9 7 1 06 1 6 1 6 2 08 2 2 2 2 2 1 B t 1 1 7 5 , , 3 , 4 , , 4 , 9 , 3 orsch , 4 a 81 Eve 1 1 1 1 1 8 B 6 1 1 1 8 Ad m , 7 , 4 , 3 oston , 7 , 9 , 5 I 1 Ade G 2 B d i , , , 1 9 , 4 1 , , 6 , 6 1 1 2 1 2 0 1 , eorge, 33 ou o r 3 5 4 9 , , 4 5 , Af a 1 2 1 1 8 2 1 8 2 2 B x i 1 2 0 ter dinner sp e king , 34 , , 3 , , 3 o ng , 35 , 4 l a 1 1 6 1 8 2 1 6 2 2 G 1 8 6 1 8 0 1 2 1 Airp nes , , 4 , , 5 Boy Meets irl , , , , 7 , 4 5 , lc l c v a 0 1 0 2 1 2 1 A oho i Be er ges , 7 , 4 3, 7 l defi n ition 1 8 S 1 A imony ( ) , 3 Boy couts , 3 7 ll F 1 1 6 1 6 2 8 de fi n ition 1 8 A en , red , , 7 , 3 Brassier ( ) , 4 ll 6 ( 1 8 A ergies , 4 Brides and grooms) , , 34 a z defin ition 1 8 1 2 6 8 6 Am on ( ) , 3 Bridge , Contract , 4 , , c 8 8 1 1 2 08 An estors , , 9 British Blood , a l 8 1 1 1 6 C 1 Anim s , 7 , 3 , 7 British ooking, 7 7 l 2 1 H 1 6 Army mu es , British eadlines , 5 c S l 1 6 i i H m 6 0 6 1 1 0 1 1 1 1 1 As h , ho em , 3 Br t sh u or, 5 9 , , , 7 , , 9 ,

s es 1 1 1 1 1 2 8 , 1 1 , 1 6 2 1 6 A h , , 5 4 3 , 4 7 5 , l a c C 0 1 1 6 1 1 6 0 At nti ity , 9 , , 33 British Pronunciation , 1 6 1 6 6 2 6 2 2 1 Author , 3 , , 3 Broker , a defin ition 1 8 B romfield o 2 Autom ton ( ) , 3 , L uis , 4 l s 2 2 8 0 8 0 1 02 1 2 0 2 2 2 Automobi e , 3 , 44 , 7 , 7 4 , , 4 , 9 , Brooklyn , , 3 , 5 , 3 H 2 Broun , eywood , 9 a a 8 6 8 1 2 0 B bies , j ust b bies , 9 , 39 , 4 , 5 9 , 9 , 9 , Browning , Robert , 1 6 1 1 8 B ubbl B ath defin ition 1 8 9 . 7 4 , 3 e ( ) , 4 a P l 2 B cc defi n ition 1 8 B ker , hi , 34 u aneer ( ) , 4 a l ea e 1 2 1 2 B f m H 1 B dh d d , 5 3, undle ro eaven , 4 3

a n ers , 8 , 6 , 1 0 1 1 0 , 1 8 A 1 1 8 7 5 , 4 9 , 5 4 B k Business cumen , 9 5 , 35 , 4 a n ea Ta llu lla h 1 E 6 2 0 B kh d , , 7 Business thics , 4 7 , 5 4 , 5 , 7 a c 2 1 0 8 2 1 B nkrup t y , 9 , 3 Bus Jokes , , 9 , 39 a ( deﬁ n ition 1 8 B tch B nq uet ) , 4 u er shop humor , 4 3, 44 a 1 2 1 2 1 1 2 0 E 2 0 1 B rber shop humor, , 4 , 9 , 39 , 5 , 5 Butler, nglish , a l lv 2 B rk ey , A in ,

B a r 2 8 1 1 1 1 2 4 , 1 2 6 B 2 rooms , 9 , , 3 5 , 3 7 , , Cabell , ranch , 35 a 2 0 8 1 B rrymore, J ohn , Caesar, Julius , 9 7 a a ll 0 1 6 1 B seb , 9 , 9 , 7 5 Candy , 7 , 7 3 a 2 1 2 0 C 1 6 8 2 08 B thing, , annibals , 9 , , a 6 2 C deﬁ n ition 1 8 Be ns , anoe ( ) , 4 a 1 1 6 2 1 E 1 0 8 2 1 1 Be rd , 4 4 , 7 , 3 Cantor, ddie , ; a n d Fl w 8 z 1 6 Bees o ers , 5 Cardo o , Judge , 5 a 1 1 2 C deﬁ n ition 1 8 Begg rs , 7 , 37 entaur ( ) , 4 n a c 2 2 0 i 2 0 2 2 2 Ben y, J k , Champ on , 9 , E a 2 2 6 C 2 8 Bergen , dg r , heese, 3 l Ml 1 1 2 Ber e , i ton , 9 3 , 39 Chinaman , 9 s Ma all 1 8 1 6 2 1 6 Be t , rsh , 5 Chiseling, , 3 2 6 8 6 6 1 2 1 2 8 1 1 6 1 2 2 1 8 Betting , , , 7 , 9 , Christmas , 7 , 5 , 9 3, , , 3 rc 1 8 1 8 r 2 2 2 Bie e , Ambrose, 3 , 5 Cla k , Walter, l z 1 8 C o m 1 1 2 1 2 0 8 8 B int es , 5 lassr o humor , 3 , , , 9 , 3 , , 9 4 , l c 8 1 6 1 8 0 8 8 8 1 1 8 1 2 1 2 8 1 1 1 2 2 0 2 0 6 B iss , domesti , , , 34 , 5 , , 7 , , , 3 , , 5 , 7 , 4 , 1 06 1 1 1 1 1 2 1 2 1 6 1 0 2 C 2 1 8 8 1 1 2 1 6 1 2 , , , 4 , 4 , 5 , 35 lergy , , 5 , 4 . 9 3 . 9 . , 4 . 5 . a H 1 02 1 6 1 Bog rt , ump hrey , 9 , 7 7 2 1 2 2 1 0 1 1 1 1 8 2 2 Books , 9 , , 3 , 5 5 , 9 , 9 , 35 Climate, 7

( 2 39 ) INDEX

C Irvin S . 2 06 Ea r h a C 8 1 obb , , t qu ke ( alifornia) , C c 2 6 1 Ea r t 1 1 o kney humor, 3, trumpe , 5

ll c , 1 1 0, 1 6 1 7 E a o 2 0 Co e tors 3 , 5 asy come , e sy g , 4 Co ege H 1 2 7 E iz 1 2 1 1 8 ll umor , conom ing, 3 , 39 , 4 C l l ( S th S 1 2 E 1 2 1 6 2 2 1 2 o one ou ern tyle) , 9 ditors , 5 , 5 , , 33 o Hi h 1 0 1 Efi emin a te 1 2 6 C lonic , g and Low , 7 , , 1 1 Effi cien c 2 Communists , 7 y , 4 1 2 E 1 1 1 1 6 Commuters , 7 7 , 3 gotism , , 3 1 1 2 E 1 6 Congressmen , instein , 9 Co i i defin ition 1 8 E 1 2 8 ns derat on ( ) , 5 lephants , 2 0 El va 8 1 0 2 2 Considine , Bob , 4 e tor humor, 3 , 5 , 5. C defi n ition 1 8 E 8 onsult ( ) , 5 lman , Mischa, 5 C defi n ition 1 8 E onsultant ( ) , 5 loping . 7 9 C ve t 2 1 Emba ra s s in 6 on n humor , 9 g moments , 5 1 2 0 8 E 1 1 Cook , 4 5 , mergency , 3 C lid e Ca l 8 E 2 1 oo g ( ) humor, 3 , 9 7 merson , Faye , 9 Cc - defin itio n 1 8 Em S tat ui 8 100 signer ( ) , 5 p ire e B lding, 3, , - E 6 Cost plus , 5 4 ncyclopedia, 1 1 1 1 8 E 2 1 1 Counterfeit , , 5 ndurance , C 1 00m o 2 1 8 E m de fin ition 1 8 ourt hum r , p igra ( ) , 5 N 2 0 Es 2 2 Cousins , orman , 3 kimo , 7 N E 8 6 0 2 0 Coward , oel , 5 5 tiq uette, , , 5 Cow 1 6 6 1 2 8 1 Ex ri c defin ition 1 8 s ( and Bulls) , 3 , 4 , 5 9 , 7 , , 4 5 , p e en e ( ) , 5 Ex ert d fin i i n 1 8 1 9 2 , 2 0 8 , 2 1 0 , 2 32 p ( e t o ) , 5 C de fi n ition 1 8 rook ( ) , 5 2 0 F 8 Crosby , Bing, 5 acts of Life, 5 C 8 x 1 1 6 6 8 1 0 Fa ir T 8 uckoldry. . 9 . 4 . 5 . 5 3 . 4 . . 7 7 . 3 . y ales , 7 1 1 x6 2 F T 8 1 6 1 2 0 2 1 2 2 33 . 3 7 . alse eeth, 3 , 3 , 7 3 , 5 , 9 , 7 , 1 6 1 2 1 Cuspidor , 4 , 4 7 3 C ic defi n ition 1 8 u 8 0 6 0 8 y n ( ) , 5 Farmers . . 3 . 4 . 4 . 5 . 5 . 9 5 . 1 1 2 2 4, 1 4 , 1 4 5 , 1 5 6 , 1 9 2 , 2 2 6 , 2 3 ’ D r 1 2 8 F m 6 1 ai y Jokes , ar er s Daughter , 7 , 7 9 Ll l 2 6 6 6 1 2 x 1 8 2 Damita, y , 33 Father. 5 . 9 . 9 . 5 . 7 3. 7 . 35 1 F B 2 0 2 I . Davenport , 7 . , 3 t w 1 2 1 0 1 1 e 1 2 2 Dea h , here is thy , 3 , 3 , 9 9 , 9 , 4 , F nders , 1 2 1 6 1 1 6 1 Fe rtilit 2 5 , , 7 , 7 7 y ( soil) , 4 D efin itio n s P 1 8 1 8 1 8 1 8 6 1 8 F 2 1 2 , ages 3, 4 , 5 , , 7 inger bowls , 1 F 2 2 Degrees , 9 7 inger prints , 3 e e 1 0 1 D licatess n , 5 Finney , Charles , 4 D 1 1 6 1 6 8 8 1 2 entist j okes , , 3 Firemen , 7 , 3 , 7 Fi C Fi S 1 1 Depew , Chauncey , 9 rst ome , rst erved, 3 D I 2 1 6 F de fin ition 1 8 esert sland j okes , ishing ( ) , 5 Diam d defi n ition 1 8 F S 6 1 1 1 2 - 1 6 1 2 1 on ( ) , 5 ish tories , 3 , 9 , 4 , 4 , 74 , 3 z H 1 1 0 6 8 Diet , oward , Flirt , 1 6 0 Diplomacy, 4 Flood, 5 1 8 -in - 2 1 Discretion , 7 Fly soup , 3 Dis s a tis fi ed C 1 1 0 n E 2 ustomer , Fly n , rrol , 33 2 8 0 8 0 1 0 u F i i 2 1 2 Doctors . 7 . 4 . 7 . 7 4 . . 9 4 . 3. s . ool sh q uest on ,

1 1 1 2 1 1 2 1 1 1 2 0 2 1 1 B . C. 2 0 7 . . 3 . 33. 4 7 . 9 7 . 4 . . Forbes , , 9 2 1 6 2 1 Forger deﬁ n ition 1 8 , 9 ( ) , 5 D B k 6 h B 2 6 6 6 N . ogs ( ar ing and others) , 4 3 , 5 , 5 , , Forrest , at an , 35 8 8 6 1 8 2 2 H E 2 06 4 , , 5 , 7 Fosdick , arry merson , D m 8 6 8 88 1 08 2 0 1 F - t 6 o estic Problems , , 7 , , , our let er words , 7 1 1 2 1 2 2 1 2 F 6 1 Dreams , , , 7 ree thinker,

1 1 8 F c 1 6 6 4 , 1 0 , 2 1 Drought , ren h humor, , 9 4 6 2 1 1 8 1 6 8 1 1 0 Drugstores , , , 9 Friendship , 3 , D run kS 1 8 2 8 0 6 8 1 0 2 6 8 1 1 1 1 2 02 . 9 . . . 3 . 37 . 39 . 4 s . 4 . 5 . Funerals , 3 , , 4 , , 9 9 , 5 , 35 , 5 3, 1 o 8 3 . 9 2 . 9 8 . 1 02 . u s . 2 9 . 1 38 . t 4 . 1 5 5 . 1 1 6 1 2 0 2 0 2 1 8 G C 8 5 9 , , 5 , 7 , able , lark , 5 2 2 1 0 2 Ga llu P 8 2 Ducks , 7 , , 35 p oll , D 2 Ga 1 6 ude ranch , 5 te crashing , 3 i 2 2 G N ma B e] 2 2 1 Durante , J mmy , 4 9 , 7 eddes , or n ,

G 1 1 2 Lee , y p sy Rose , 4 Multiply . 5 3 . 7 1 Mus w 8 1 6 1 2 2 6 Legacy. 7 9 . 49 . 5 3. 5 . 4 . 5 . 3 L D A ccom ts etters to elinq uent , O 1 8 N 1 1 1 1 1 6 1 6 1 1 Levant, scar , 5 ames , 5 , 5 , 4 , 9 , 7

E. 2 1 N G 2 08 Lewis , Joe , 5 athan , eorge Jean, L s 6 2 1 1 1 1 1 1 N - 2 iar , 3 . 4 . 4 . 7 . 3 7 . 7 4 ear sighted humor , 5 1 0 N defi n ition 1 8 6 Lie detectors , 9 egligee ( ) , 1 N 1 2 1 0 1 1 1 1 6 Life , 5 5 egro humor , 9 , 3 , , 5 , 4 , L f G 2 1 1 60 1 6 2 06 2 0 2 1 6 2 2 0 2 1 i e uard , 5 , 3 , , 7 , , , 3 2 1 N E 2 8 8 8 1 2 6 2 08 Lillie , Beatrice , 5 5 , 9 ew ngland , 3 , 3 , , 9 5 , , 1 1 1 1 N 1 1 2 1 2 1 1 2 Limericks , Pages , 9 , 9 3 , 9 4 , ewlyweds , 34 , , , 4 N 1 2 ew Members , 5 6 6 0 6 1 6 2 2 N 1 8 1 6 Lions , , , , 3 , 3 ews , 33 , 3 , 7 1 6 N w 1 2 1 6 2 Lisp , 5 e sp ap er Jokes , 5 , 5 , 33 L 0 8 1 1 2 2 Ni ht 1 0 1 8 1 2 1 2 02 iterary market, 3 , 3 , 4 , g Clubs , , 7 , 3 , , L 1 N 1 2 2 1 odg e meetings , 47 ovelist , , 3 7 Lo D a e C l 8 6 N 1 6 1 0 ng ist nc al , udism , 5 , 5 , 7 0 Longevity , 7 L 1 2 0 1 2 Ob defin ition 1 8 6 ost and Found , , 3 oe ( ) , 1 O 2 2 8 Louvre , 35 culist , L v d fin ition 1 8 6 Of ce 8 8 1 0 1 o e ( e ) , fi humor , 3 , 7 , 1 1 2 1 1 O e 1 1 6 2 1 6 Luck , , 7 p rations , 4 7 , 7 , 8 1 1 2 O 1 8 1 8 6 2 2 Lun atics , , 4 5 , 5 , 4 ptimist , 3 , , 3 O at defi n itio n 1 8 6 r ory ( ) , m 1 1 2 08 Out O 1 Ma e , 9 5 , 9 , of rder , 4 3 d e 2 O 1 6 Mal mer , 5 verruled , 5 M d fin itio n 1 8 6 ale Quartette ( e ) , A 1 2 8 Man , the Master , 3 Paj amas , 3 , 9 3 Ma T 1 8 6 8 8 1 rk wain , 7 Panhandling, , 1 8 6 2 1 2 1 6 1 0 Marriage , , 3 , Pants , , 3 , 5 Ma x 6 1 0 r Brothers , 7 , 9 4 Parisiennes , 7 1 2 1 P k 1 Master of Ceremonies , 34 , ar bench , 9 5 Ma c 1 6 2 t h making , 3 Parker , Dorothy , 9 P 8 0 1 8 6 Mathematics , 5 9 arrots , , 1 8 1 2 1 6 0 1 1 Matrimony. . 7 . 9 3 . 9 5 . 5 . Partners , 4 , 7 , 9 , 7 2 0 2 1 1 1 1 3 , 7 Paternity, 3 9 , 33 , 5 ca 1 Mc rthy, Charlie , Paul , Louis , 3 7 2 S id 2 McPh ers on A m e S . 1 , i e , 3 Perelman , , 4 8 1 1 0 P i i 1 8 2 2 Meat , , 5 ess m st , 3 , 3 Medl ca l S 1 2 2 0 P 1 tudents , 7 , 4 etty Cash , 5 3 1 0 Pi 2 0 1 1 1 1 2 1 Memory , 7 geons , , , i defin ition 1 8 6 Pi - i 1 2 2 Meteorolog st ( ) , g Lat n , Ml a ml 1 2 P 1 s 1 1 1 6 , 3 , 4 g , , 5 1 1 8 6 P 1 2 0 1 , 3 Mink , 4 5 , oetry , 5

1 2 0 2 2 P li 4 4 46 . 6 7 . 7 8 . Minnesota , 4 3 , 2, 5 o ce . . 2 k 1 2 1 1 2 1 8 2 0, 2 30 Mins Pinsk , 3 , 7 , 1 6 8 P li 1 2 1 6 , 5 4 , 3 , 3 Missionary, o sh humor

k I 6 2 Polltics 1 2 6 7 , 8 8 , 1 1 3 , 2 0 6 Mista en dentity , 3 5 , 4 5 , , 9 3 , , 2 2 P 2 1 2 , 2 2 6 Modesty , 3 ope , t 6 6 6 1 08 1 1 Por ra t P i 1 4 1 7 0 3 , Money, roo of all evil, , 9 , , 3 , t i a nter , 2 1 6 2 P 2 34 , 3 7 ortuguese humor , 2 deﬁ n ition 1 8 6 P l 1 , 8 0 , 8 7 , 1 4 Monologue ( ) , ou try, 9 , 4 4

M 1 1 P i , 9 6 , 1 1 2 , 1 7 0 oran and Mack , ray ng P 2 0 1 . P . 1 0 t , Morgan , J , 7 5 , 3 ress agen 1 2 2 P vu 2 2 4 Mosquitoes , 37 , 4 re e , -in - 6 1 Pr nce l 1 6 5 Mother law , i of Wa es, M h S 2 2 1 P i t 1 2 1 ot er uperior , 4 , 9 r nce on , ’ 1 2 P i ll 2 8 1 1 1 o , 9 , 7 , M ther s milk , 7 r son wa s z ﬁ htin 2 0 2 2 8 0 8 1 02 Pri e g g , 4 Motoring . 3 . 44 . 7 . 7 4 . . 4 . .

1 2 2 1 1 0 1 6 0 1 2 0 P i , 2 30 , 39 , 5 , , 7 9 , 5 rofan ty

1 02 P f i l E iq t , Moustache, 9 4 , ro ess ona t ue te 2 1 0 v 6 1 02 1 1 0 1 P , 1 9 3, Mo ies , 9 4 , , , 7 3 rofessor P i 1 1 S t 1 6 1 6 0 4 , sychiatr st , 5 7 , 7 ho s , P b er “1 1 6 6 2 S 2 2 8 1 1 u lish , 3 7 , , 35 igns and wonders , 7 , 9 , 9 , 9 Pui lma n h 2 2 1 6 S ilve W 1 6 umor, 9 , 33 , 4 , 5 r edding , 6 1 6 6 8 1 8 8 8 8 1 1 0 1 2 0 S H 2 6 Puns , , 7 , 9 , , 3 , 5 , , , , ims , al , 2 1 0 1 2 Sin 1 1 6 1 2 7 , 1 46 , 1 5 8 , , 2 3 , 38 , 7 5 , S 1 1 inatra , Frankie , 5 u V i 2 06 2 08 S kin ﬂin t 1 1 6 Q een ictor a, , , 5 , 3 S u 1 k nk, 9 4 1 1 2 1 2 S k H 1 2 Rabbis , 5 , 7 3, 7 , y scrap er umor, 9 6 2 2 1 S A] 2 2 Rabbits , 5 3 , 9 , 9 , 4 mith , , 9 Ra c 1 2 2 8 6 8 6 2 2 0 S 2 2 e track , , , , , 9 , mith , Betty , 3 1 1 1 0 1 2 0 S 1 6 Radio , 3 , 4 4 , , 5 5 , 9 noring, 5 R k 1 2 8 S e uthe rn 2 ailroad j o es , accent , 34 i 1 1 8 S I 6 1 6 Ra n , 39 , 5 p eech mpediment, 9 , 5 62 2 6 S 2 1 1 6 1 6 0 1 2 Rats, , 3 peed , 3 , 44 , , , 9 c n 1 S 8 2 1 2 0 Re o ciliation , 7 7 pitting, , 4 3 , 5 1 8 S t t V 1 2 Recount, 5 arret incent, 7 H E 2 C 2 08 2 2 S . 02 Red ross j okes , 9 3 , , 3 tassen , arold , 1 6 8 1 2 S 1 2 Relatives , , 5 , 3 teak , 9 8 S G 1 6 2 Religion , 7 3 , 4 tein , ertrude, 9 , 35 R 6 S e 2 ep ort Cards , 9 teinb ck , John , 37 1 2 1 8 1 6 1 6 2 2 1 S Ma x 2 0 Reporters , 5 , 3 , 5 , 5 , teuer , , 3 1 6 8 S D O 6 Resourcefulness , tewart , onald gden , 7 a 1 2 2 6 1 6 8 1 2 S c 2 1 0 Rest urants , 3 , , , 5 , 7 9 , 5 , 9 , 9 , to k market , 1 0 1 0 1 2 1 2 1 1 1 2 0 S Rex 1 5 . 7 . 4 . 9 . 33 . 4 9 . 5 4 . 9 . tout , , 44 2 1 2 2 1 S 1 , 7 traley , John , 4 3 1 S i 2 1 8 0 1 6 8 1 2 Retired , 4 5 tutter ng, , 7 5 , , , 9 R t C e 2 2 1 1 1 2 0 1 1 e or t , , S b b 1 0 , 4 , 7 3 , 9 , 9 , 3 t our ous u ur an humor , 7 7 , 9 S wa 1 1 2 1 0 ub y humor , 7 , 4 4 ,

ld ti 8 2 , S 1 1 0 1 2 Q , Reyno s , uen n ultan , 7 3 , , 7 1 1 S umm r 6 1 6 6 1 Ribbing , 4 e Resorts , 4 , , 7 5 R 1 0 S w H 2 02 2 2 igor Mortis , 9 edish umor , , 5

, 4 S 2 1 Roberts , Matt 3 wimming , 4 5 , 5 o 2 1 Robes n , Paul , 3 “ i B l 2 , j , 3 Rob nson o ang es T i 8 1 6 c tu ity , 3 , 9 5 , 5 H r 2 1 a rn Robinson , en y Morton , 3 T 2 8 1 0 2 1 0 ailors , , 4 7 , 9 , 3 , c ll o n D . , 1 , J h 7 3 Ro kefe er T S 1 2 6 0 1 2 1 2 all tories , , 3, 37 , 39 , , 4 . 5 . K 2 1 8 Rockne , nute , 2 1 2 9 , 2 2 , 2 37 R v 8 8 oose elt Jokes , T x 2 2 0 1 2 1 a i cabs . . 34 . 39 . 4 . 7 9 . 9 . 4 3 . R s H 1 6 u sian umor , 5 2 09 , 2 1 0

T l , D , 5 7 S ai t P t 2 2 2 2 2 8 ay or eems n , , e er T l 1 0 1 2 2 1 , 5 5 , 3 , 7 4 , S l i 1 1 0 1 1 1 6 1 6 2 1 6 1 e egrams , , 7 , , , , 3 , 74 , a esmansh p T h e 8 6 1 2 0 1 2 1 elep on humor , , , 3 , 37 2 1 2 2 2 2 , 9 , 34 T 6 0 1 1 0 6 1 0 1 0 8 heatre , 4 9 , 5 5 , , 7 , 9 9 , , 7 , , S 1 2 2 8 1 2 1 2 6 1 2 aloons , 9 , , , 39 , 9 7 , 4 , , 9 , 2 1 1 2 1 4 2 , 2 , 2 3 , 36 1 4 0 . 1 7 3 T 1 ll , 4 , L 7 S 1 1 homas owe altpeter , 7 Tim T 1 0 1 d id , 4 , 3 5 S alvati A 1 1 e an e on rmy , 5 “ T 1 1 0 1 1 2 0 ips , 7 , 3 , 9 , 9 S 6 2 avoy, Bert , T 1 2 1 , S h z 6 1 6 oastmaster c nau ers , 5 , 7 T 2 1 , 9 4 S 2 0 2 1 2 orsos , cience, , , 9 T i 6 1 2 8 1 1 6 1 6 0 , 3 , , 35 , 5 , S c c 8 1 0 1 6 2 2 2 our sts ot h humor , , , , , 9 , 33 , 3 5 , 7 4 , T 2 1 8 1 1 1 8 rains . 4 3 . 5 . 5 9 . 7 . 9 . 9 3 . 9 . 5 . 1 0 1 1 1 1 8 1 1 0 9 s. 3 . 5 . 39 . 4 . 6 5 . 7 . 1 7 6 . 1 2 1 1 6 8 , 1 6 9 , 7 6 , 1 T l ic H 1 00 , S R b ck ransat ant umor oe u C l , 7 9 ears ata og T S 8 1 0 1 rav eling l , 7 , 9 , 9 3, , S ea V 6 1 6 2 6 a esmen oyage , 7 , 5 , 3 S a 1 2 1 2 ecret ry , 5 3 , U d m 6 8 2 2 1 0 1 6 2 S 2 2 8 , , 7 , 9 , 9 7 , 7 , 5 , 37 eeing Double , n erstate ent i i d i i n 1 S 2 2 1 Un d gn ﬁed ( eﬁ n t o ) , 8 6 enators , , 4 , 9 7 S 1 1 ervice , 5

S ex , 6 6 , 1 0 7 , 1 42 V ca t 1 6 6 a ion Romance, S k 1 0 1 6 V - 8 3 , ha espeare , 3 ice President, 3

( 2 4 3) 1 0 1 6 1 2 1 1 1 6 x 1 6 1 7 , 9 , 5 . 5 3 . 5 5 . . 7 . 7 0. 2 9 3. 0 2 1 7 , 2 09 , 2 1 2 2 7 , 0, 2 1 7 , 2 38

o Wm . 1 2 Wo dward , , 3 Wa time 1 1 6 r Washington , 5 9 Woolley , Monty, 7 Wa c 1 8 W N 1 0 1 6 8 t h ( and chain) , 7 5 , 7 rong umber , 3 , 1 0 1 6 0 1 8 Ed 1 2 2 Water, 9 , , 7 Wynn , , 9 9 , 39 , 4 W 1 1 2 eber Fields , 1 2 Weil , Chester ,

a , 7 2 , 1 8 Y 2 2 We ther 7 achts , 7 4 , 7 5 , 5 0 2 1 08 1 1 1 Y 1 Whiskey , 35 , 7 , 9 , 9 7 , , , ale , 9 3 O 1 8 Yes -man 2 2 0 Wilde , scar , 5 ,

, , 6 3 Y 1 2 2 2 6 1 8 2 8 Williams Bert iddish humor, 5 , , , 4 , 5 3, 7 , , 9 , ilh ms 1 2 1 6 1 0 1 1 8 1 2 1 0 1 1 W a , 9 4 . 9 , 3 , , 4 , 3 , 4 ,

1 2 2 2 1 Y 2 0 Winchell , Walter, 4 9 , , 9 onkers , 5

( 2 44)