~o, BRYANT'S April I, 1992 The Kingdom of Bryant, College of Business Administration and Liberal Ans Volume 12, Number 13 About Our New Format. .. Bryant Declares Free
by Wenowhut Weirdoln dam. After all, who else could you use? Certainly not The Archway, they are so Kingdom This issue of Bryant's Lack of Busi· unreliable! Just look al alt of the produc ness introduces a new format that wlll lion schedules they've missedl~ oHer a di~inclly different look that you'll ~The Archway? We sopped dealing by Fynuf Saye esses, including Baronesses Oaniels and be sure to notice. with them," noted Collegiate Adver1ising O'Arcy, and Barons Cartwright, Nelson, The standard bI-weekly, four-page, lel Agency representative Steve Medin. ~Af· It's now official! Bryant College Is now Hannon, Fogany, Orury, Talley, Kenney, ter·sized, glossy-paper Issue will be reo ter all of the stories of bklwn deadlines we free and independent I and Sloss. Assistant directors shall be placed forever by the new weekty, lab heard from Bryant's {publication's) 01· A proclamation issued joinUy from the known as lords; for example, lords Ioid·size, newsprint issue of Btyant'sLadc fices, we just couldn't keep up our con former Board of Trustees and President Alvarez, Pavao, and Blumenthal and of Business (BloB). This new and ere- trad with them. It was p.uet)' a business William E. Truehean earlier today de ladies Read, Powers, and Walker.- ative format will enable us to make 50 decision," clared that Bryant College Is seceding The proclamation continues: "May it many dandy changes to the publication, The tabloid format also will provide Iromthe United Slates, theStaleof Rhode be further noted that all members of the It is the first major change in BloB sInce BIoBwith more room in each issue, pro Island, and the Town of Smithfield. suppon staHs are now considered peas· we eliminated that extra two inches 01 viding more Information to Ihe entire Bry The proclamation reads as follows: ants, whilst professors of every status wasted paper In the summer of 1990. ant kingdom. Atter all, it Is important to MFrom this day forward. the college shall shall be known as court jesters, First of all, the switch to newsprint will keep the lines of communication active at be known as The Kingdom of Bryant, The board of trustees will. for all pos help BloB reduce our publishing cosls. Bryant This importance demands that COllege of Business AdmlniS1ration and terity, be known as the Knights 01 the The heavy bond, glossy paper we have we have a high degree of sophistication Uberal Arts. Furthermore, the adminis· Rec1angular Table. They shall be ad used since 1984 was expensive , made In this publication, edited specifically for tration of Ihe kingdom should be referred dressed, for example, as Honorable fresh from virgln-cut trees, and not envi· the entire Bryant kingdom. With this im· to appropriately. From this day forward, Knlgl'lt Selya and Knights Begin, ronmentalty safe. (As everyone knows. portance in mind, articles in BloB will be the president shall be known as King DeAngelis, and Sarkisian.~ thanks to the recent BEAC campaign, the written and selected caratully so that all William E. Trueheart. His wife will be The following declaration was also is~ glare from the gloss can blind a bIrd or of the important information is conveyed crowned Queen Carol. sued: ~ Sludents in The Bryant Kingdom small animal at 50 yards and cause them quickly, acwralely, and in a pleasant For all eternity, the executlYevlce pres.· are 10 be known simply as serts, because to crash in to objects they fail to see.) The manner dent/pfovost will be known as the prince, they are the real workers in our kingdoTl use of newsprint will be drastically From the Impact our outstanding stu· as in Pnnce Wallie Roettger AU vK::e and they provide the economic backbone cheaper, allowing us to aHom other vital dents make on our comrrunity to the presidents shan hlthtno be called dukes 01 our 0p818b:1tl proJeas, such as tlrnety news releases wonder1ulthingsourslaff dOes, the pages (ie. Duke lafond, Duke Meichelbeck, Now a soveregn state, Bryant IS free and other collegIate publications. In addi of BloB will certainly be tull 01 It Duke Gibson) and associate vice presi rrom alliagal constraints 01 the outside tion, Ihe availabilnyol recycled newsprint The other format feature you're sure to dents, marquises and marquesses (ie. world Therefore, gambUng will be legal will allow us 10 be roore environmentally notice is the revamped layout of the is· Marquise Olclharn and Marquess lema). ized within the gates of the kingdom. ~ 'II conscious as we strive to Inform the Bry· sue. OUr old layout was nice and neat The former deans and directors will be you can'llight 'em, join 'em' is our atti ant Kingdom. wijh plenty of wondeliuUy visual white forever known as Barons and Baron - tude : declared one of the coun jesters. Another format change Includes the space. Even afterourtransiUonto a desk inclusion ot advertising in Bryant's Lack tOjrpubllshlng operalion in September of Businesslortl'le lirst time ever. Adver 1990, our layout lett something to be tising in each weekJy Issue will provide desired. But now, in an effort to take Jimmy the Greek Named BIoBwith a revenue sou rce to help defray advantage of the expanded room avail· our operating costs and afford many vital able in each and every issue, BloB has projects. And remember, wijh each and updated ijs regular layout to utillze even Commencement Speaker every IsStJe of BloB. our dependence on greater desktop·publishing skills as tuition dollars will decrease thanks to Ieamed by our student interns in Or. by U.R. Gullible Although it is unclear at this 1In18 what cheaper newsprint and the use of paid Marsden's AV Graphics class. This new the theme 01 Jimmy's address will be, is advertising. equipment also gives us greater design If Yale Untversity can have George expected to address concerns that gam "The advMlsing in BloB Is ce~ainly a control and flexibility while reducing our Bush as ij's commencement speaker, bling should be added as an addijional braInchild,· noted Bryant actvenlslng pro· expensive prepress typesettfng and me· Bryant College can have : concentration in the BUSiness Adminis· fessor Steven Soulos in a Providence chanical services. Jimmy The Greek. tration program. Journal anicte on the subject laST week. And one more thing - walch for all the The long awaited announcement of In a phone Interview yesterday ,Jimmy "What better revenue than effi· source information about the Bryant Kingdom in the 1992 commencement speaker came expressed his concerns, saying "Hey , I cientty marketing ads to the Bryant king- Bryant's LaCk of Business. this week at a press conference held at haven', got a problem with gambling - the site 01 the new Zim's CaSino City look at my name for crimminies sake! Under the Dome. And with gambling becoming more and Thefamoushand~apperwaschosen more prevalent in today's global society, atterthe commencement committee care ij just seems to be a natural extension of fully reviewed the qualifications 01 anum· Bryant's mission of preparing student to ber of speakers. Also conSIdered in the operate in the global marketplace." search were lormer University of Ne· At apressconferenceheld in his throne vada·Las Vegas basketball coach Jerry room the Kingexpressed excitement over Tarkanien, Casino King Oonald Trump, Jimmy's upcoming appearance at Bry· former Nonh Carolina Slate basketball ant. coach Jim Valvano, and Providence From his throne, he declared, "I have Mayor Vincent "Buddy" Cianci. been in nearly constant contact with According to a statement released by Jimmy over the tast several days· what the commencement committee, the with the Final Four and aU,1 wanllo know choice "Was diffirutt, but in the end, we exactly what Cincinnati's chances are. decided that Jimmy best represented the Does anyone know what happened 10 my instijution - plus he has agreed 10 take a scepter thlngy?" ..... ",. . ,,_~ .... f'''''''' position at Zim's as the casino's handi· Crown Prince WaUy Roetger was also 190:: '0' ...- capper'- excited about Jimmy's address. -I think ' BusinC'i!iptrsou The statement continued the eventual this will certainly legitimize Bryant as an , nl\med goalofthe casino is to replace las Vegas independent state and as a garroting as the center of garrbUng and odds mak· center. Hey, who stole the Klng's scepter ing In the United States, and MJimmy is by Ihingy?" far one of the most efficient ways of ACODVO '" e J n f I - i ch vi hat jimmv 10 Soeak. (Continue nrz f] ~e ) I Senior Class Gift Committee Announces Change
by Scoop Snake £yes GROUND FLOOR Zinl's The Senior Class Gift Committee has CASINO CITY announced a change in the class gift lor '992. . IUI £i.llIl.I&fllI The commitlee, headed by Deena Slot Machines - bring loIS of ~er3 , lhey'18 r9ged. Panarielto , had originally decided on an outdoor fitness trail. But, in the wake of II I:!UUU;';1 1l ,nnn. the recent interest in gambling, they have decided to change it 10 ·Zlm's Casino City Under the Dome . ~ II CDIHl D II The casino will be built on the area thaI was to be used lor the prison which was In] 1111 II lUll II II II proposed, but feU through, in March of '990. Since the class couldn't possibly raise II . 1111011.11 , enough money for the casino alone. they r have caned on real estate mogul Donald ~ Trump for assistance. IIII.llI1II1 Ea .1I Trump is being called upon for his r experience in the real estate market and knowledge of the casino industry. He lold Matt.w ZirnrnMnan • M«norIaI Gaming Room BloB, ~ I am very exched about gelling in on the ground lIoorof something thai can be this big. Hopefully, this witt be more successful than the Taj Mahal. The ca ~~ Black Jack tibias - decks at8 atd.ed, bewlle. Check lake sino is going to be my wedding present to I. D.s har1l - Marla. H ...-.....-.. An unnamed Student Senator, whose ~~ code name is Leona Helmsley, (see ar licle on page 4) slated ~ We are glad Mr. ~~ Trump is willing 10 donate his funds to help us increase the value of our king dom. We realty need all the help we can gel and we appreciate it . Really, we do . ~ The senalor went on to stale , ~So Ihe man has lost many millions of dollars. $10 cover charge. pleased with the addition of the Casino to invited to altend. Who cares? As long as we make a profh, Securtlyforlhe night. and the handling the Bryant Kingdom. llw11l be an environ lim's City will be domed topped, re but we'lI have to abstam from lelUng you ollhe money, Will be done by the Bryant ment 10 loster community well being as sembling the Rotunda so those upstairs how much it was ." College bowling team. When asked il well as a place lor interaction between can keep an eye on the action down Most of the funds being used , how they could handle such a responsibility, administtators and students.~ stairs. ever, will come from Bryant students. the team responded, NOh yeah . You can Th~sino will be two Iloors, cor1l>lete The first lloor will house the games, Since the amount of money needed is bet on us 10 keep the money safe and w~h a skee ball area and has ample ollice such as blackjack, roulette, poker, and excessive, Bryant seniors will sponsor a keep things in order_ II's right up our space for whoever is going to run the craps . Also, it will contain slot machines, "Casino Nlghtft in which all the proceeds alley." place. It willa Iso havea restaurant, ARA's and will have a special sports room with will benefit the gift. Since Bryant has declared Itself an S,aolgh' lounge. televisions linked into all professional The night, scheduled for tonite , wit! Independent state, thecasinocitywlll not The second floor will also offer a gam sporting events. This room will have a offer a variety of casino-style games. pose any Ihreallo Ihe surrounding SOCt bling meeting room, which will be used to special betting booth where bets can be To get the guests even more in the ety and will not be held 10 Rhode Island give seminars on the lalest gambling taken at any time. spirit of things, those who wear a Bryant regulations techniques. II Will also house weekly The first tloorwill have a lounge with a basketball jersey will not have to pay the King Trueheart stated, -I am very Gamblers Anonymous meetings. AU are stage and dance floor_ Guests already scheduled to appear are Rob Base, Julio Igtaclas, The Guess Who Band and Wayne Newlon. Acts such as Barry Ziln's Manllow and OIVinyls are also being pur SECOND FLOOR CASINO CITY sued. Neon signs will light the way from Jacobs Drivelothecasino. BiliboardswiU Skea Ball Area Unlc-LCh:lbIeS""". mee"""_t hem - stay. away or s....., in ahur!'j also be placed on 1-95, from here to Florida. Panariello is very exc~ed about the change. She told 8/08, ~No one realty wanted the fitness trail anyway. After all, in the real world, people would joi n a heath club if they warn 10 exercise." Not only is the Bryant community in vited to attend Casino Night, but the entire slate of Rhode Island as well. King Tru eheart stated, ~We will allOw the out lying area residents to enterthe kingdom to share in the fundraiser. After all, l ama king and this (the Bryant campus) is my castle:
Slair.vay
ThU btn up lcd willi asrlwriQlII"j piOU;"1 whitt SptJCI. Gambling Seminar Room. Will also be used for Gamblers Anonym ou s Meelings Involvement in Safety Teacher Dumping Encouraged by all Sweeps the Country by Ozzy Osbourne the SBDC par1 Jimmy 10 Speak (Continued from page 1) The one dissenting voice at the press democratic process in any of these hor conferenceannouncing Jimmy'saddress rible decisions, not to mention the com was former Student Senate President plete disregard for Robert's Rules 01 Or James P. Bergeron. derr ~How can you poss~ even consider King Trueheart ordered Bergeron allowing this cretin to speak at my com seized. A search uncovered the Klng's mencement? This college has gone to missing scepter, and Bergeron was hell in a handbasket - there has been no banned from the Kingdom of Bryant. ----~~------~------=------===------~~ I Men's Basketball Senate To Keep All Swipes NCAA Crown Actions Secret by Churchill Downs was a tough game for Bryant. They were by Long Winded and Short Fused result disclosure. While a majority of Ihe down by 24 with ten minutes left in the minority of non-abstaining senators have The Men's Basketball team competed game. That was enough for coach Reilly. With yesterday's lale passage of the mandated secrecy, popularsludent senti in, and won, the 1992 NCAA Division II He called a lime oul and five people came Senate Officiat Secrets Resolution ment has called for revealing all results. post season tournament. off the bench to complete the game. Led (SOSR), all Bryant Student Senate vot "The senate only wants to avoid ermar· Due to a change in the selecllon pro by freshmen Matt Kuss, who scored 17 ing results will be kept secrel from now rassing peoplet one anonymous senator cess, lhe NE-l0 was gIVen an automatic points in the linal10:oo, the Indians ral· on , senate President Rob Fontanella said , ~so we said to ourselves, 'Why ex bid inlo the tournament . When the olher lied back to win the game 89-82 announced early this momlng, tend a great privilege like thaI only to nine teams declined, Bryant wason the *Coach Just told us to go out there and ~And that means all votes ," he said, candidates? Lei's extend it to all of us.' So road to Springfield. play the best we COUld: that's what I did ,* With basiCally a new learn, due to an Kuss said. alleged gambling scandal taking away a The Indians were now in the semi lew players, coach Ed Reilly was forced finals against South Dakota State, This to recruit some of the women's learn to was probably the easiest game lor Bry play for him. ant as they crushed South Dakota Stale JoinIng the learn were Heather Houle, 97-71 . Jennifer Spencer, Kim Ross, and Holly ~ Our woman-to-man defense was too Grinnell. strong forthem ," Aeillystated. 'We forced -It seemed logical (10 recruit the 27 turnovers and numerous desperation women) since Ihe women's team always shots with time running out on the shot seemed stronger at Bryant ,~ sports infor clock.- mation director John Gitlooly said. This set-up the Finals between Bryant This set up a unique situation, but and Virginia Union, The game went down since there are no speci fic rules in the to the wire, for it was closest game of the NCAA prohibiting women from playing, tournament for the Indians. Ihe selec1ion committee had 10 leI them With time running out. Bryant was trail play. ing by two, Scott Meyer brought the ball Some teams balked saying they didnl down court and chucked one up from halt want to hurt women. court , It hit, aU net. in response Houle said, ~A lot of the -I knew time was running out I Just guys who thought we were delicate are said, why not?, and look a shot,- Meyer the ones who ended up injured. I sent said, *1really didn't think it would go in, but three people to the doctor, alone .~ it did. What a great feeting!- In round on~ . the Indians faced New ESPN'scornmentator Dick Vitale said, A glimpse or things to come. Hampshlfe College defeating them 93- about Bryant, "Coach Reilty's uniqueway 89. of substituting five men and women at a The Senale Unidenri/ied Commillee on Know/edge Suppression ~We came into the game with one time was remarkable. The other teams (SUCKS) holds irs organizQliofUl/ meering, comp/ere wirh Passive goal,· Reilly said. ~ We wanted 10 become couldn't handle it . 11 was showllme. baby. Personality Reslraint Systems. the Cinderella team. to we called upon They should have gotten a T 0 .* our Fairy GodmotherslH Bryant captured it's first NCAA crown "incluQing not only election resuhs, but SOSR will save our senate's reputation Theteam faced Bridgeport next. look and is looking toward next season. alsM8solutions, committee reports and and let us keep more secrets for our ing to avenge a previous loss during the ~ Hopefully this will get some of my recommendations, and even weekly selves." regular season. That is exactly what they recruits who were looking at other col meetings," SOSA Includes a new senate voting did winning 107-101 to capture the New teges to stop looking and settle for Bry "At the next election, wewon'tonty not system In which the secretary will ran· England Regional Title. ant: coach Reilly concluded, "Who announce how many votes each candi cIomty discard one-half of the secret bal "This was a huge emotional win for us, knows, I might even start talking to some date obtained, or how many people voted lots belore counting them, The system since they are a nationally ranked team top female players in Ihe area," - we won't even announce who wonl" should ''Work out fine - there's a 95 and they already beat us soundty during An awards ceremony/casino night will Fontanella angrily told a crowd in the percent chance it'll be right alleast hall the the season,* Reilly added. "I think thaI be held in the Gym tomorrow to hcnorthe Rotunda . time,· according to statistics professor gave the team the desire to win , which basketball team. Bryants Lack of Business has de- Alan "The Greek" Olinsky, who is conSult- brought them together.* All are welcome, don', lorget your Next up was Central Oklahoma; this Sports Lag! , I I i I BRYANT COLLEGE ~ &. SMITHFIELD GOOD YEARS GOOD NEIGHBORS BRYANT 1971 1991 BASKETBALL ------=------~ ----~ - Men's Basketball Senate To Keep All Swipes NCAA Crown Actions Secret by Churchifl Downs was a tough game for Bryant They were by Long Winded and Shorf Fused resuh dlscklsure. While a maJOrity of the down by 24 with ten minutes left in the minority of non-abstaining senators have The Men's Basketball team co~ted game Thatwas enough foreaach Reilly. With yesterday'S late passage of the mandated secrecy, popular student senti in, and won, the 1992 NCAA DiVision It Hecatledahmeoutandhvepeoplecame Senate Ollicial Secrets Aesolution ment has called for revealing all resuhs. post season tournamen!. olf the bench to co~lete the game. Led (SOSA), all Bryant Student Senate vot "The senale only wants to avoid ermar Due to a change In the selection pro· by freshmen Mall Kuss, who scored 17 Ing results will be kept secrel from now rassing people," one anonymous senator cess, the NE-1 0 was given an automatic points in the lina110:00, the Indians ral on, senate President Rob Fontanella said, "so we said 10 ourselves, 'Whyex bid Inlo the tournament. When the other lied back to win the game 89-82. announced early this morning. tend a great privilege like that only to nine learns declined, Bryant wason the "Coach just told us to go out there and "And that means all votes,- he saId, candidates? Lei's extend it to all of us.' So road to Springfield play the best we could; thal"s what I did." With basically a new learn, due to an Kuss said alleged gambling scandal laking away a The InOaans were now in the semi lew players, coach Ed Reilly was loreed finals against SOuth Dakota State. This 10 recruit some of the women's learn to was probalXy the easiest game for Bry play for him ant as they crushed South Dakota State Joining the team were Heather Houle. 97-71. Jennifer Spencer. KIm Ross. and Holly "Ourwoman·to-man defense was too Grinnell strong forthem," Reilly Sated. We forced ~It seemed logical (10 recruit the 27 tUrnovers and numerous desperation women) since the women's team atvvays shots with time runmng out on the shot seemed stronger aI8ryant,~ sports inlor clock_" mallon dlrec10r John Gillooly said. This set-up the Finals between Bryant this sel up a unIQUe situatIOn, but and Virginia Union, The game went down since there are no specifIC rules in the to the wire, for it was ck>sest game of the NCAA prohibiting women from plaYing, tournament lor the Indians. the selection committee had to let them With lime running out, Bryant was trail play ing by two. Scott Meyer brought the ban Some teams balked saying they didn't down court and chucked one up from half want to hurt women. court. 11 hit, ali net. In response Houle said, ~A /ot 01 the "I knew time was running out I lust guys who thought we were deliCate are said, why not'?, and took a shot: Meyer the ones who ended up injured. I sent said. "I realty didn't think it would go in, but three people to the doctor, alone: it did. What a great feelingl~ In round one, the Indians faced New ESPN's commentator Dick Vitale said, A glimpse of things to come. Hampshire College defeating them 93- about Bryant, ·Coach Rettly's unqueway 89 oJ substituting five men and women at a The Senate Unidentified Committee on Knowledge Suppression 'We came Into the game wIth one lime was remarkable. The other teams (SUCKS) holds irs organilQtiorw/ meeling. complete with Passive goal," Reilly said. "We wantedtobec:ome couldn't handle it, II was showtime, baby Personailry Resrraint Systems_ the Cinderella team. ~ we called upon They should have gotten a TO," our Fairy Godmothers!" Bryant caplUred it's first NCAA crown "incluQing not only eledlon results , but SOSA will save our senate·s reputation The team laced Bridgeport next, look and is looking toward next season also-t'esolutions, committee reports and and lei us keep more secrets for our ing to avenge a previous kiss during the "Hopefully this will get some of my recommendations, and even weekly selves." regularseason. That ls exactly what they recruits who were looking at other col meetings." SOSA includes a new senate voting did wInning 107-101 to capture the New leges to stop looking and settle for Bry "AI the next election, wewonlonly not system In which the secretary will ran England RegIOnal Title. ant: coach Aeilly concluded. "Who announce how many votes eaCh candi domly discard one-half of the secret bal ~This was a huge emotional win torus, knows, I might even stan taiking to some date obtained, or how many people voted lots betore counting them, The system since they are a nationally ranked team top female players in the area: - we won't even announce who won! should "War'!< out fine - there's a 95 and they already beat us soundty during An awards ceremony/casino night will Fontanella angrily toid a crowd In the percent chance it'll be right at least hall the the season,~ Aeilly added. "I think that be held in the Gym tomorrow to honor the Rotunda. time,· according to statislics professor gave the team the desire to win, which basketball team. Bryant's Lack of BusIness has de- Alan "The Greek" OIinsky, who is consult - brought them together: All are welcome, don't forgel you r Next up was Central Oklahoma: this Sports Log! BRYANT COLLEGE &. SMITHFIELD GOOD YEARS GOO D NEIGHBORS BRYANT 1971 1991 BASKETBALL BRYCOL Reverts Back to Bryant Control by William McKinley "This is a tolal outrage and we will return to our rightful place on the Bryant The Brycel Siudent Services Founda campus, N stated Brennan, tion, Inc" a non-profit cerporationformed Current legal complaints from Brycol in 1975 to provide a variety of serviceS to are being held by the RhOde Island Attor the studenl body, was taken over by the ney General's office pending an Investi new Bryant Kingdom today. gation 01 the legality of their claims. The The creation of the Kingdom in a dec legal stalus of the kingdom's secession laratIOn by former-President William E. from Rhode Island has not yet been de Trueheart eUectiv'ely relfOked the corpo termined, rate charter of Brycol. Wllh the new sta As part of the consolidatiOn of services tus of the college and the elimination of within the kingdom , aU of the operations Ihecorporation's existence, aUlegaJ rela run by Brycol were placed under the The Protector of the Kingdom tionships between the former --college and jurisdICtIOn 01 Charles Merrihew, Baron former-corporation were promptly de 01 the Bryant Center. Shown here is the protector of Ihe Bryam Kingdom's moat, the clared null and void by newly crowned The formerly-student run enterprises infamous swampraticus engulfus, or more commonly known as the Prince Wallie Aoettger. will be split up under the command of the swamprat, In a statement lrom theit temporary five current student lords_ The lords, offices in lincoln, AI, former-Brycel Chair· formerly called student managers, will be man Terry Brennan pledged to fight for responsible lorboth the operations 01 the the corporation's existence in the new Bryam Center and Ihe newly acquired fiefdom. Brycel properties. -We'll obviously dump all of Ihe worth less companies we acquired,· said Baron Merrihew. "That defunct travel company Don't Trust Your Resume is history. Their resumll and copy services ...we 've already beat them with Images, so we'll simply sell off the cheap to JUS tAn yon e ... eqUipment lhey have for some quICk cash.W "But The Informant (the on-campus Ihava N. Tclua directory}, we'll probably give that to The ...... AlCIlway. They are good with those low School Address Permament Address prolit projects, W he noted. 10180120007-8"." College 1313 Mod:ingbird lllnt Merrihew spoke with Bryant's Lack of Smithfield, R1 02917 Spring Like, Ullb 52891 Business about his other plans for some , , ...... _.--...... __ ...... of the newly acquired property ObJoctlvv: 10 got mo G Job 10 got mo tho hoI! outto ho ..l11 Tupper's "Tupper's will be a good cash cow lor EDUCATION: EXPEC'fBD DATE OF G1rrADUATIOON: SOON!! us. Besides, with The Scoop, we'reexpe SCHOOL: RUYANT COLEGGE, SIIITHFlF.W, BI rienced In operating, adequately supply DEGUEE: UATCHEWU OF SCIENCE IN GAIIRJJNG ing, and improving elflciency in food ser· GI'A: 2.35 TO I OVEllALL, 1.862 MA.lOU vk:e industries such as thi s. ~ Merrihew added that the location of Experience: Office of Public Insanity Imern, Tupper'Si nthe Bryant Center makes it an .411 my years nere(and there are many) obvIOUS addition to his niche in the king .,.. Stuffed Envel opes dom. Cb Received paper cuts from envel opes (OUCH!) "Simply improving the service and plan ning for it will make it a boom for us, ~ Moved papers from one pile to another noted the Baron, ~ Untangled pepre paper clips The Campus Connection e Fi lled stapl er The Ca~s Connection, also located I] Picked hole pUllches up off floor in the Bryant Center, wilt be renamed the !!JI Did nails Kingdom Konnection, Services offered • Perfected art of shoot ing r ubber bands acrosS by the variety-type store will essentially remain the same, rQ~'.75 0 shooting percentage) ~ After all,~ Merrihew said, "as long as you have the financial ability to pay a fil m developer, florist , and video agent, you Up-to-the- m inute resume technology is not restricted have a veritable gold mine up there.N The COuntry COmfort to prOfit-making areas, such as Images, here at The Country Comfort will also come Bryant. let the knowledgable production staff' of the under the control 01 the Baron of the Bryant Center. Yet Merrihew envisions Office of Publications design your resume for you no major policy changes at the establiSh ment. using our top-of-the-line software', "The kingdom has yet to establish a drinking age,~ Merrihew pointed out. ~So until they do, everyone in the Bryant After all, with 94-percent3 of recent graduates Kingdom will be able to enjoy the social atmosphere at the Comfort: obtaining em ployment within 6 months of graduation, But Merrihew does not ignore the Ii you don't really need that m uch help' ", now do y ou? nanciallmpact this legallmplk::atron has. ~ W ith no drinking age and no tire regu lations, we can pack as many people in Featuring Low Rates, and Reasonable Delivery. here as possible, And as you reme mber from economics and acrounting, the more people in here, the more sales, The more Call x61 30 - Right by where the tree used to be sales, the more money we have coming in,· he reasoned. 1. All production sUott ~ s hav. gradu-lled 'rom Ct.4 350, AV Graphics and this economy ? ~ I ' S right. the same as a snowball's chanat in he•. 2. Yeah, Du PorIt PIP mws reilly cosl·atlec:tiw $OlrWare. 'Mlal did yOlJ expect us 10 S. Ra!&t are srruct\Jf&d 111 help pay lor !hi. -,tale-o/·the·an" !edlnology. We've had !hen "They don 't call me 'Make-a-Buck usa ? Aldus Pag&MalIe""" or OuarkXpreu.... ? Who do you think we are? Some big , eaI ~ '"!leW" Macintosh! si nce Sil Pl&fTlbef ~ haven1 £hown a single thing 100- !hem. Chuck' for not h ing,~ he quipped. publishing c:om~ like Mdi'IIW·Hill? Those piddly programs _just !DO efficient, too NoIlilIe some piKeS on eaIT1J1Us IhIII had ltIem for yeln and use them elficiendyl So inaxpens~ , and !DO lIIIIy to use lor our talIM. ....n.t n il lOok Itus long I;) lind a us. for It, At ~!I1_ lIrt any found a usa tor IIW-rn. 3. Percenlag. includes emploree. of aU major lui fDod dlaina who WDl"k lor a' Ie_ 6. Delivery gUlU'ln tHd wilhil1lWC1 wHl<.s. unIeI.s we just can ~ ftnd !he lim4I to do it Then minimum _118 Wid a mini lTUll lit 5 houri. week. you1llllll yOUl" reaum6Wheneverwa happenlO get aroo nd tOil,lult like eWlrylhi1lg ~ SfI . ".Adrrit~, IIItlIll chatlQe do you haw III getting a job 'M it! Btylnrs lI\foi sh&d r&putation Alle ~t we dorn haYe 10 send It 0\1110 be "P WPRI Takes "Sweeps Week" Battle URI President Edging Out Trueheart is the Key by D.H. Zenith Kit is a credit to both of their institutions such high visibi lity on Loth evening news· last week with B/OB. that (the two presidents) satisfi ed the casts, M remarked TV Guide columnist MIl's just natural that I face the public The three Rhode Island tele .... ision sta media as thoroughly as they did: Cathy Raytube, "hat without them all of like all of my fellow state ef1l)loyees do tions pitted two local college presidents ~Yeah, but what did we gel out 01 the stations would have been coerced whe n news of another corrupt Rhode against each other as they batt/ed it out to it ... not much, just a lousy interview with into taking a gamble to sal .... age their Island practice comes to light. - win the pri."! ed Ksweeps w eek ~ ratings someone from Th e Archway. And they ratings tor the week. ~ MMy confidence in the Bryant war. really didn't provide us with anything Indeed , both leaders had their lair share Community's ability to constructively con In a tight bat1 le, WPRJ· TV Channel 12 new ,~ quipped WL NE· TV reponer Dave of local news coverage. front this problem remains unshaken,M edged out WJAR· TV Channel 10 for the Laymen. -Not gening Trueheart on cam Carothers was seen tor a total of 61 remarked Trueheart in response to the highest ralings of the annual February era really cost us!~ hours of total news coverage as com gambling probe. ratings competition. WLNE- TV Channel The news stori es surrounding the ar· pared to only 54 hours for Truehear1 . "But as for this 'ratings war' between 6 placed third. rest of Bryant senior Matthew "Truehean was a little difficult to get Bob Carothers and myself,· Trueheart "The battle between (University of Zimmerman as the alleged mastermind to," admitted WJAR-1VcamermanStevie continued , "it just doesn't extst. I am not Rhode Is land President Robert L.) of a large-scale gambling operation Essellar. trying to gain the spotlight or have mysell Carothers and (Bryant President William broke right in the middle of the annual "At first he wasn't obligated to face the seen more otten , I am just trying to give E.] Truehean was definitely a big factorin sweeps week . press when (the gambling allegations] aU this instiMion the most tangent leader· our .... ictory o .... er WJAR, ~ noted WPRI '"The college gambling case gave our crapped out. But after Carothers started Ship possible so that we can wori< to executive news editor and e.... ening an sweeps week campaign a big stealing the spotlight, Truehean opened getherto make Bryant a ric he rkingdom . ~ chorman Walter Cryan. -If those two had boost,~ said WJAR- TV executive pro· right up .~ The evening press conferences from any more ainime as a result of this gam· ducer Gilbert Yawn. ~II even carried our Yet each leader had his own favorite Smithfield and Kingston have diminished bling liasco, we certainly would ha.... e sweeps week over into March. U's just station. Carothers was seen gO·percent in recent weeks as the garmllng probe been forced to expand oure .... ening news, too bad we couldn't get Carothers more of the time on WPRI-7V. Trueheart was moves off of the front pages. featuring myself and Karyn Adams, well often .~ seen eO-percent of the time on WJAR· However, as the state police and in· past a mere half-hour . ~ Media analysts agree that the role of TV. temal college Investigations continue, this ~Truehean and Carothers made quite the two embanled college chiefs was "The fact that URI is a public institution couch potato would not be surprised if the a newsworthy impact on the daily revela the key to the ratings war. requires that I face the press In times of battle for network newstlme continues tions about the case , ~ remarked Adams. "Both Carothers and Trueheart had adversity," said Carothers in an interview once the investigations concludes . ARA Seeks New Improvements rrhe Independent by UI' One, Short Fused, appeal to those seeking a quick and and Flash Cube convenient meal. His line of canned 1(jngdom goodscan now be purchased in vending In addition to Bryanfs secession the machines located in the pit of each rest. / ARA contract Is now null and void. ARA dence hall. has now become separated as well and Starvjn Marvin thinks "This would be will hire various chefs such as Richard a great idea , but the vending machines of rJ3ryant College Simmons, JulJa Childs, Jeff Smith (the are always enherbroken orwon't accept Frugal Gourmet), Chef Boy·a r·dee, Sara my poker chips.· Lee, and Banles and Jaymes. Sara Lee, the nation's "dessert Richard Simmons will be heading the queen," will also be joining the ranks. nutrition and litness department. He will Instead of ARA's usual dessens, Sara cordially be offering a new Treat Yourself Right Lee will now instnl her concept of fresh program· Deal a Meal. He encourages pastry. everyone to wear while so that they will Her good friend, the Pillsbury Dough have a bener self image, Boy, will be stopping by from time to time invites you to attend He will also conduct weekly seminars to have his tummy tickled by her deca· in which the group will stan "Swealin' to dent delights. the Oldies.~ . Our old friends Bartles and Jaymes, Julia Childs will now substitute non will be the new heads of the beverage alcoholic spari Doh Yeah!! More whffe sapce. Don't you /ave it! tJ3asf(gt6a£fjersey wi£{ 6e e~empt from tfie $10 cover cfia1!Je ------~ - Presidential Candidate QUICKLY Strikes Bargain With Bryant ...Student organization treasurers will be honored with a ceremony to be held in the newly constructed Zim's Casino City. by Aick-my-Bic College officials would not comment run through their organization. The ceremony will recognize their ability on the Bryant·Brown oonnection, but did ~ We 'r9 the only company aJlowed to in new and creative ways of account In an anelTJ,)t to boost declining cor· confirm thaI governor Brown and Presi be on-campus. We are supposed to get ing .. . lege revenues, Bryant announced today dent William E. Trueheart met during all 01 the contracts. Our charter specifi the establishment of a new "800· dona Brown's recent cafl1)aign stop in the state. cally says that we are to have a monopoly , .. Kingdom radio station, WJMF, has tion line, which will allow supporters of According to high level Brown offi on all on-campus business, and we're received the support of media mogul business education throughout the na cials , Truehean and Brown perfonned going to sue. So there !~ said Garret Mel\' Griffin in their light against WLNE tion to call in and pledge funds to Bryant. the Vulcan mlnd meld In an attempt to Goldstein, V.P. of Food. channel 6, Griffin has agreed to pur· chase WLNE and sell off aU assets with The effort isbelieved to be linked lathe reconcile Brown's tax plan with Bl)'ant·s M We don't care how much money It presidential campaign otlorrner Califor tuition increase schedule . won't make ,- added Alan Voli. the exception 01 broadcasting equipment nia governor Jerry Brown. Bryant Director of Public Information "We have proven hundreds 01 times in which will be donated to WJMF. The Sporadic unconfirmed reports coming William Rupp said. -It is Important to the past that we know how to not make equipment will aJlow WJMF the signal into BloB from across the nalion indicate remember that any agreement between money - we're the best there Is at it.- strength to become a national radio nel that Bryant and Brown struck an agree the college and Mr. Brown will be a posi· In a statement released by the college. work ... ment last week which allows the college tive one which will bring In hundreds of F.J. Talley, Dean of Student ute, called to share the candklate's loll·free dona thousands of dollars for the college - the Brycol outburst "childish and counter .. ,In response to the luror created dur~ tion number on a lime available basis. money which will, of course, be put Into produdive. If it weren't for the Country ing the 1991 World Series about the use High level Brown officials have indi the replacement and replenishment fund Comfon, 81)'col would be dead in the of native Indian names as team mascots. cated Wslnce Mr. Brown has reached the of the COllege: we are a non-prolit institu water - you think Tuppers is making King Trueheart has announced the point where he no longer needs to rely on tion, alter all.- When questioned about money? There 's less grease in John kingdom'S mascot will no longer be the the '800' number for funds. we feel the the Brown-TnJeheart mind meld, Rupp Travolta's hair than there is on theirpizza!M Indians. It will be replaced by the Cana line should be available on most eve responded -I just want to know if he Student Senate preSident, freshman dian Goose. Due to the dense population of geese on campus finding one to ap· nings . ~ (Brown) can teach me that nerve pinch Rob Fontanella, expressed concern at In return tor the use of the p'lone Ihlngy: Talley's statement. "Well. I knOw I don't pear al sporting events will not be diffi· number, the college is reported to have It Is still unclear how rruch money the have a lot of leadership experience in cult .•. agreed to allow Brown and his support college expects to bring in from the dona college, rut myexperienc:es in high school ers to have access to the college's an tion line, but initial projections made by have helped me to come to lhe conclu cient satellite dish to make contact with Finance professor Jack Rubens show siOn that the statement was unfair. Since the Moonbeam Foundation easier. the number uhighly unlikely to provide we are the liaison with the administration. The extraterrestrial-satellite dish link any significant Increase in oollege rev· J am appointing a senate committee to was exposed in a report last year in The enues ." investigate the fairness of his statement, Jacobs Drive Journal, which also linked Members 01 the Brycol Board of Direc and I expect to have a repon on my the gazebo at the center of the new tors called a press conference yesterday presidential desk. right next to my presi· townhouse village to attempts al ex1ra to express concem that the phone num dential gavel and all those other presi terrestrialoontact. ber is a business and as such should be dential goodies by November " Lines of Defense for the Bryant Kingdom .. ' With the change in status from mere annoyances 10 mascots, the Bryant Geese will now be residing at the neWly created Goose Motel. Halls 6 and 6 will be converted to goose housing complete with straw floors. The pit of each hall will be flooded and stodc:ed with fish and Two members of the King's plant liIe ... artillary sqUlld are issued their .. . In a effort to make the kingdom training weapons more energy efficient Bl)'ant has Installed motion detection light sensors In the bath rooms Of the state. This is the second part of a three part plan to save energy by keeping people out of the bathrooms. The first step was a policy of locking the bathrooms after dusk. BloB has learned through unnamed sources In the royal family that the next step will be to install pay toilets ... ... Dr. Burton Fischman won the an nual Bus Stop competition last Friday in Providence. He boogied with the best, but was no cofT1>etltion for Paula Atxiul. The Rodc:ettes, and Mlkaet Barishakov. Doc left themall inthedust and danced home the Bus Stop Champion .. . The first line of defense: the ... Professor Ronald DeLuga has en moat control station, manned tered thIs year' s Boston Marathon. If he by a Public Safety Knight does welt . he plans on running in the Summer Olympics in Barcelona ... .. . Danny Sheridan will be on campus next Wednesday to host a seminar en titled ~ Odd s Are. -The focus of the semi nar will be on how to play your cards right in IOOay's job market. This event will be sponsored by Career Services .. . By the way ... New Course Offering Brings ·lorraine l ailler, the switchboard 0 Personality to Campus erator, suffered a hang nail putting on he pantyhose last Friday. l orraine Is In the process of tiling lor workman's compen by U.R. Gullible comrrute from Cincinnati, where he re nancial Management, Tax Evasion 101, sation lor her injury. A law suit against the sides. to Bryant twice a week. Foundationsof Underwor1d Management, college is pending because she leels it' As part 01 a conllnuing series of new Due to activity limhatlons Imposed on Count Your Fingers and Toes : Never the college's fault: jf she had been able course offerings, Bryant will offer a new Rose due to his parOle, he wilt be re Trust Other Gamblers, and Finding aJob to Dress Down even though the student Garroling Skrtls course starting during quired to wear an electronic ~dog tag" In'he Mob. were here , she would not have bee the fall semester 1992. when in the Kingdom ot Bryant. The dog Students In the Creative Finance ma wearing lhose designer pantyhose. According to a press release about the tag will insure he remains outside of jor will be required to complete a new course, designated with the course Zim'S Casino City, being constructed semeste(s internship stacking the decks 'Registrar Tim Cartwright tells me tha adjacent to the Bryam campus on land and loading the dice at Zim's Casino City his prized dog, Tashka, has received originally slated for a new federat deten Those who are not killed by mobs of gold medal in the Canine Spring Olym tion center. angry garT'lb'ers will be able to advance In PICSforfree style skateboarding. He al Ironically, had the detention center the major and serve an internship in the expressed his thanks for the get-wei proposal gone through , Rose would not oHice above the garmllng floor, where wishes thaI were sent to his wife whil have been required to wear the dog tag, they willleam that If they erri>ezzle any she recuperated trom a broken ank and would, in fact, have been allowed 10 money , they will come away missing vital during the skate boarding training. GI reside at the detention center during his body parts. you're back on your feel, Randy! tenure in the Kingdom. King William E. Truehean heralded congratulations to Tashka! In the new kingdom hierarchy, Rose Rose's addition to the kingdom as "a will receive the title Jack 01 Clubs. In significant event Inthe short history of our addrtion to his resjX)nsibilities teaching soverelQn slate I look forward to a suc ·Due to its recent popularity, Poin I IOU 54K, Rose will also preside over cessful busIness partnership with him, Shaving has become an OlympIC event, several non credit seminars concerning and hope he can help me find a way 10 The 1.0.C. yesterday announced It will taxes. avoid paying taxes " a demonstration sport this year and wil The first . titled '"Tax Evasion and Me: Truheart, stili new to the job of King , become a lull medalsjX)rt in 1996. How to Cheat the Fed and Get Away was apparently unaware that, as King, he The game is much like basketball. I Clean~ will lake place early next semes can declare himself exempt trom paying has the same rules, wi1h one exception number IOU 54K , Gambling Skills will ter. laxes. The winning learn must score betwee "provide students whh an open , dynamic Rose is also a candidate to replace Bill In a telephone IntervieW last night, 83-91 jX)ints while the loser has to scor~ 1 environment with many lirst hand oppor Phillips as Bryant's diractorot counseling Rose expressed a great deal of excite 70-76. AU countries have showed inte~ 1 tunities to practice newty acquired gam services due to his Significant experience ment about coming to Bryant. est in partICipating in this event whicH ing skills M in illegal gambling. Phillips, who left Bry However, he also raised concerns could replace Track & Field as the most Students will be graded In three areas: ant to accept the poslHon of head basket that, should he fall into the bad favor of watched Summer Olympic Event. proficiency at card games, numberof slot ball coach at UNLV, was nationally re the royal family, he could be eX1radlted nowned as a gambling expert 'Junior David -Magie Man ~ Kaplan is machine pulls made In a single night, and back to the Unrted States for paoong missing from campus Kaplan was last knowJedge and understanding of the un· The new course, accordIng to King illegally seen gIVing a magic show for the B ry~ derwor1d. dom off;cials, will serve as the basis lor a Trueheart has already made it ctear Trustees when he tried a new lIick using The course, at lea~ inrtlaRy, will be new concentratiOn in creatIve finance that the Knights 01 the Publ IC Safety Qt. ~ Magic ' s Box • taught by tormer baseball great Pete Beginning in 1994, entering freshmen tice will have reign to write out tickets for M Kaplan went Into the box, claiming h~ "Chartle HUstie Rose . Rose , who was Will be able to declare themselves a Cre anything they see fit could make himseH disappear and reap" impOsoned at a federal prison for lax alive Finance major. George Coronado, theBaronof Pub evasion. and suspended from baseball Other required courses tor the new lic Safety, was not available to comment pear, II is reported he then entered t~ box, closed the curtain. and mJrrlJled on aUegalions ot garroting, will make the major include the Fundamentals ot Fi- on the situation, few magic words that sounded like MBuf tet," and hasn't been seen or heard from since, Philips to Coach at UNLV 1..c.t\t 0\ BRYANT'S" BUSINESS by Churehm Downs the phone , and stated "Bill who? From where? How is he going to coach here K Published by the Office of Public Insanity. Desktop publishing Garmfing expert Bill Philips of the he couldn' handle Division II ,· furnished by the insiders at Archway Publications, Inc. (Incorpo Counseling staff announced earlier to Other people who Interviewed for the rated under the laws of The Kingdom of Bryant, College of day he will be leaving Bryant at the end 01 job included ex-NC State coach Jim Business Administration and Uberal Arts. the year to become the head basketball ValVano, URI's At Skinner, and Golden coach at UNLV. State Warrior coach Cotten Fitzsimmons. Head Loon: Fynul Saye. Second Loon: $coop Matyankfly. Straight UNLV announced at a press confer "Valvano is too arrogant, Skinner ence today that Philips has signed a five wouldn't leave URI, and Fitzsimmons Loon: Bill Collectors. Creative Loon: Short Fuzed. Entertaining year $490,000 contract with $15,000 can't win a championship to save his life. Loon: Slade. Athletic Loon: Churchill Downs. The Picture Perfect bonus for winning the divisional title, and That's how Philips was selected,· ac· Loon: Flash Cubed. The Loon of Layout: Ozzy Osbourne. The $30,000 if they are ever eligible tor post oordirgto UNLV president Robert Maxon. Money Loon: Vrrrooom. Selling Loon: U'I One. Aesthetic Loons: season play again. Reactions about Philips leaving were Double D's. Loon Who Delivers The Crazy Thing: Jeff The Man. Philips was one of the candidates 10 mixed. visit las Vegas in the wake of the recruit King William E. Trueheart said, ~ I was Geriatric Loons: Oil Can, Flick-my-Bic, Bored Stiff, and Long ing scandal whIch has forced Jerry sad to see Bill go. He always did a good Winded Tarkanian to resign al the end of the Job and ot course I never had any prob basketball season. lem with him.· Bryanfs Lack of Business (BloB) is an Internal newsle"er chuck-full of "I got tired of sitting In a stuffy ottice Philips has already started recrui1ing annoying and irritating satire of the Bryant community ... er, talking about gambling and athletics,· for UNLV. He is currently taiking to Otis Kingdom ... adminislration and campus .ha. is meant In Jolly good fun. Philips stated. Hill. a sen50r from Pleasantville, New After all, if you can't laugh at yourselves, maybe someone else can. No, "1 wanted to get back on the court York. "Hillis a power player whO shOuki I mean, if you can't laugh at yourselves, who can you laugh at? Yeah, where I belong. When the chance to help us.- .hafs It. coach came up, I jumped at i1 . ~ Candidates mentioned as possible Sources from Caesars Palace, The replacements for the Gambling Director Las Vegas Showboat, and the Gokien are Yankee principal owner George Bryanrs Lack of Business was conceived by the aforementfoned loons Nugget were contacted and have con S1einbrenner, who is expected to sell his during a recent late night break from a nearby loony bin. Please note, firmed they have all offered Philips con team to Paramount, and ex-presidential no member of The Archway would ever spoof another Bryant publica trads to sponsor their Casinos. candidate Paul Tsongas . • , have to be In tion, particularfy one as fine as Bryanfs Business or its predecessor, A las Vegas Showboat spokesperson charge at something." Rorunda Round-Up. We have only the highest respect for publishers stated, "We needed a good man who Also oonside,ed wiH be Pete Rose with the patience to deal wilh anything but the lales, technology. knew a lot about gambling: who has already expressed interest tn When Tarkanian was interviewed on coming to Bryant to teach.