Vol. CCLIII, Live Free! or Die No. 5 The New Hampshire Gazette First Class U.S. Postage Paid December 5, The Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ • Editor: Steven Fowle • Founded 1756 by Daniel Fowle Portsmouth, N.H., Permit No. 75 2008 PO Box 756, Portsmouth, NH 03802 • [email protected] • www.nhgazette.com Address Service Requested

The Fortnightly Rant Another Great Victory It hardly seems possible, but might skyrocket and huge pay- we have just four more newspa- ments might be due sooner than pers left in which to beat up on expected.” the incumbent President of the A third rule would have re- United States, George W. Bush. quired that banks selling bundled Unless of course Mr. Bush—or, mortgages explain to investors more likely, his evil sidekick Dick “exactly what they were buying.” “Dick” Cheney—calls out the It is worth remembering, if SeaSmurfs* and declares martial only to fully savor the richness law. of the irony (and why not sa- Readers frequently ask us these vor it, since we’re paying for it days how we will ever manage anyway?) that the people pro- once the Bush League has left the posing these radical restric- . It is an abysmally tions on mortgage lending were selfish way for us to view things, not a bunch of hand-wringing, but we must admit that the in- Birkenstock-wearing, left-wing cumbent administration has pro- worrywarts like , or vided us with a remarkably fertile Senator Bernie Sanders from the environment in which to operate. People’s Republic of Vermont, or As to what we’ll do after January the head of Nancy Pelosi’s Con- 20, our plan is simple: we’ll burn stituent Services team back in that bridge when we come to it. Godless San Francisco. They were In the meantime, while this bureaucrats working for the Bush execrable administration lasts— administration. and the nation’s net worth sinks Through the rest of this sordid rapidly in the canyons of lower tale, the characters run more true Manhattan—we note with our to type. [sacred—Ed.] marketplace.” See- has gone up by about 100,000 OK from Congress, gave Hank trademark grim satisfaction a re- Bank officers told regulators bach was speaking for Country- properties. By the third quarter Paulson the OK to hand out port published by the Associated that the proposed changes were wide Financial Corp, the coun- of 2008, the number was over $700 billion. Press on Monday. not necessary. Any risks that try’s Number One originator of 750,000. Surely they learned their lesson, According to an AP review of might be entailed in giving no- toxic mortgages. Countrywide’s Fortunately, no one would have right? Asked for a little account- “regulatory documents,” worried money-down, adjustable rate market value approached $25 bil- been foolish enough to take these ability? These guys were always federal bank regulators proposed, mortgages to people who might lion at its high point. Last sum- doomed mortgages and throw big on accountability, when they in 2005, a number of more re- not have jobs would best be man- mer, Bank of America bought its them into a large blender along were asking for it from others, strictive regulations for mortgage aged by the banks themselves. bleached bones for $4 billion. with a few good ones, inextrica- like schoolkids, and single moth- lending. In retrospect, it appears Their own self-interest would be The struggle over the proposed bly mix them all together, then ers, and teachers in poor school that if they had been approved— the most efficient regulator. tighter regulations went on for extrude the resultant mess into districts, auto makers … which, of course, they were not— One banker, David Schneider, about a year. In the end, the large chunks, slice those chunks “Treasury … has no policies they could have significantly re- told regulators that his adjust- regulators faded and the bankers up like baloney, and, finally, sell and procedures in place for en- duced the current level of fiscal able-rate mortgages were “safer prevailed. A few new rules went each slice with an official Stamp suring that the institutions [who carnage. … than many fixed rate mort- into effect late in 2006, but the of Approval claiming they were received the $700 billion] are One proposed regulation gages.” Schneider ran the home more restrictive ones had been USDA Prime Angus Tenderloin. complying with … requirements would have required banks to loan department of Washing- dropped. It was another great A nutty scheme like that would [that they restrict executive pay verify that would-be home buy- ton Mutual—into the ground. victory for the free market. have screwed things up to a fare- and dividend payments to share- ers “actually had jobs and could WaMu became the largest failed One person’s victory is another thee-well. But no banker would holders] or that they are using afford houses.” bank in U.S. history last Septem- person’s defeat, though. In the be crazy enough to seriously pro- the capital investments in a man- Another regulation would ber. first quarter of 2007, there were pose doing that, and no respon- ner that helps meet the purposes have required banks to warn Another banker, Mary Jane just under a quarter of a million sible regulator would let them. of the act …” home-buyers that “interest rates Seebach, said the proposed properties in the U.S. “with fore- Oh, wait … Yes, they did. And Report from the Government * See “Meet the SeaSmurfs,” in our News changes were “excessive” and closure activity.” In each of the to fix the mess they created, the Accountability Office, Tuesday, De- Briefs section, below. would “inhibit innovation in the six quarters since then, that total Bush administration, with an cember 2, 2008.

News Briefs: Meet the SeaSmurfs For a hundred and thirty years, about tanks in the streets that words, under a strict interpre- Force. To avoid spending whole the Posse Comitatus* Act of tends to draw people’s attention. tation of the PCA, NORTH- days jabbering such lengthy in- 1878 has prohibited the use of The most recent encroach- COM’s very existence smacks of comprehensibilities at each oth- U.S. military personnel to en- ment on the Posse Comitatus infringement. er, or reciting long series of let- force the law, unless specifically Act (PCA) was briefly noted in NORTHCOM’s new unit got ters like a bunch of meat-based authorized by Congress. Unlike our November 7 paper: the 1st a new name along with their new Morse Code machines, members some federal laws, this one seems Brigade Combat Team (BCT) assignment: CCMRF. Pentagon of the military develop standard to draw support from both ends of the 3rd Infantry Division was terminology, always complex, pronunciations for their myriad of the political spectrum. Mostly assigned to the Northern Com- seems to have taken a great evo- acronyms. In accordance with A Regular Smurf from the ends; those in the mid- mand, or NORTHCOM, “to lutionary leap forward, judging that system, CCMRF is pro- dle seems less concerned about assist civil authorities in the re- from this example. The first C in nounced “SeaSmurf.” cartoon characters (see above). the issue. The Act may gener- sponse to … CBRNE incidents CCMRF is actually a one-letter So: 4,700 U.S. soldiers who Did we say 4,700? That’s so ate more debate in the future, in the U.S. homeland.” sub-acronym unto itself, stand- have spent more than half of the October. re- though. There’s just something Just what is CBRNE? We’ll get ing for that mysterious CBRNE. past five years in combat, either ported Monday that the number to that. First, NORTHCOM. If you pull the pin on CCMRF, in Afghanistan or Iraq, are now of CCMRFs is expected to grow * Posse Comitatus (Latin): Power of the Organized in 2002, in response back up, and let the whole thing responsible for the suppres- to 20,000 by 2011. county. The whole force of the county: that is, all the male members of a county over to the 9/11 attacks, NORTH- explode into whole words, you sion of any insurrections perpe- There was a time when the as- fifteen, who may be summoned by a sheriff COM is that part of the Penta- end up with Chemical, Biologi- trated by revolting peasants or signment of tens of thousands of to assist in preventing a riot, the rescue gon whose Area of Responsibility cal, Radiological, Nuclear and New Hampshire Gazette readers. of prisoners, or other unlawful disorders. Clergymen, peers, and the infirm are includes Canada, Mexico, Alaska, High-Yield Explosive Conse- And they are named after small, News Briefs exempt.—Wikipedia and the continental U.S. In other quence Management Response harmless, friendly, blue-skinned to page two Page 2 - The New Hampshire Gazette - December 5, 2008

Above: The view from Chapel Street, across Bow Street, and up the Pis- cataqua towards the Mildred Long Bridge is history now. Yay, progress.

conservative principles and pro- report being overruled by “a su- moting a conservative agenda?” perior officer not at the scene.” The New York City newspa- On November 20, Salon pub- per The Jewish Week reported lished a follow-up. On the night Wednesday, quoting a Las Vegas the first article was published, it paper, that it was “pretty much said, three soldiers who had been kaput.” in the Ramadi firefight and had Support the Brass returned to Fort Carson, CO On December 4, 2006, U.S. with their unit were ordered to News Briefs we printed some facts about him. Army Privates First Class Al- shred two large document-stor- from page one The facts related mostly to the bert Nelson and Roger Suarez- age boxes full of papers relating source of his vast fortune, and Gonzalez were killed during an to the incident. armed soldiers to maintain order to how he has chosen to spend intense firefight in Ramadi. Ac- A Google search for the in the U.S. would have been seen some of it: giving it to the poor- cording to an article published names of the two men shows as a blatant violation of the Posse ly-named “Freedom’s Watch,” so may be aware that things haven’t October 14, 2008, by the online that, among news organiza- Comitatus Act of 1878. But that that they could publish scurri- been going well there lately. magazine Salon, the mother of tions, Salon’s findings have been was back when we still had a lous, non-factual attacks on our In fact, over the past six months, one of the men was first told that mentioned by Time magazine’s semi-functional Justice Depart- incumbent Democratic Con- the value of the stocks that make her son “might have been killed Swampland blog, and the Reno ment and a vaguely engaged gresswoman, Carol Shea-Porter. up the Dow-Jones Industrial Av- by friendly fire, and then that it (NV) Gazette-Journal. press. There have been a couple of de- erage have lost about one-third was enemy mortars.” Army in- Hmmm … The strangest part of this story velopments since then. of their value. Mr. Adelson likely vestigators later declared that the That Explains a Lot may be how our perception of the For one, Ms. Shea-Porter de- wishes he had done that well. deaths were from enemy mortar There was a time—2002 and Posse Comitatus Act has evolved fied the odds, and the odds-mak- In the graph at the top of the fire. 2003, to be specific—when it was over the course of its lifetime. ers, for a second time. She beat column, the upper squiggly line Soldiers who were in Ramadi impossible to get through the The Act is now widely seen as a her opponent Jeb Bradley by a represents the Dow-Jones Aver- with Nelson and Suarez when day in America without hear- valuable bulwark protecting the larger margin than she did the age (DJI). The lower squiggly line they died were interviewed by ing the New National Mantra™: citizenry from the arbitrary use first time. Perhaps those distaste- represents the Las Vegas Sands Mark Benjamin, and gave him “Support the Troops.” For a lot of executive power. In 1878, rac- ful ads Mr. Adelson sponsored (LVS). Shares of LVS, worth helmet-cam videotape support- of people, that was probably not ist Southern Democrats knew it had an effect he had not antici- about $64 in June, now fetch ing their contention that the two a big problem. For veterans of a for what it then was: a device for pated. about between $3.23 and $5.17, were killed by a round from an certain age, though, it could be stripping freed southern slaves of The other development took if a buyer can be found. That’s a American tank. The tape shows grating. their newly-won rights under the place on the New York Stock loss of about 94 percent. the aftermath of a tank shell The constant repetition of the Constitution. Exchange (NYSE). Most of Mr. And what of Freedom’s Watch, hitting their building, and their mantra did have one positive ef- Tough Luck, Sheldon Adelson’s weath is tied up in the which rather tellingly bills itself futile attempts to save the men’s fect, though. It temporarily dis- In our July 25 issue, we used stock of his gambling empire, the as “the first full-time nonpartisan lives. It also shows a sergeant placed much of the otherwise in- a favorite method to mercilessly Las Vegas Sands Corp., which movement dedicated to preserv- reporting by radio that the fire cessant coverage, on cable news, abuse a certain Sheldon Adelson: is traded on the NYSE. Readers ing, protecting, and defending came from a U.S. tank, and that of the “missing young female Eliot Auto Used Cars - Reasonable Market Square Jewelers Service & Towing, too Peter T. Henry & Joan K. 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Above: The text of the sign under the Federal Eagle reads, “Memorial to the Sailors and Soldiers of New Hampshire who Participated in the World War 1917 - 1919.” As we reported last fortnight, this War Memorial—which is also the only bridge open to pedestrians and bicyclists between Portsmouth and Kittery—is in dire condition. Maine and New Hampshire negotiated an agreement to pay for a full rehabilitation, but the amount budgeted fell short of contractors’ bids. The shortfall is about $15 million—enough to fund the Iraq War for about one hour.

Caucasian” beat. bit odd about her, and wondered For reasons we can’t quite fig- how she got that way, well, now ure out, the issue of “Supporting you know. Note: The entire female staff of the Gazette objects to this cartoon.—The Ed.] the Troops” no longer gets much And the effects appear to go air time anymore. Which is odd, deeper than her weird report- protect troops against nerve gas, The Flag Police Stir Briefly since they need our support more ing. According to a 1998 article and no effective treatments have From Their Reveries now than ever. But the “missing in the St. Petersburg Times, Ms. yet been found.” Since the latest ignominious female Caucasian” genre is still Van S. and her husband, John A press release from Boston defeat of the anti-free speech doing brisk business. Coates, are both Scientologists, University, where the study was crowd, the Flag Police have been While “researching” another “a religion that teaches of Xenu, assembled, says “The extensive less than diligent. But the object topic—which is to say, aimlessly evil head of the Galactic Con- body of scientific research now pictured at right snapped them surfing the Internet instead of federation … [w]ho flew people available consistently indicates out of their reveries. writing the alleged “news”—we to Teegeeack (Earth) 75-million that illness is real, that “Ol’ Glory” purports to be stumbled across a few bits of data years ago in space ships, chained it is the result of neurotoxic ex- “America’s Best Energy Drink.” that, we think, gave us a better them to volcanos and blew them posures during Gulf War de- But if it had any merit, would understanding of that particular up with hydrogen bombs, releas- ployment, and that few veterans it need to wrap itself in a disfig- variety of journalism. It turns out ing exploded ‘thetans’ that are have recovered or substantially ured flag? Oklahoma-based Ol’ that Greta Van Susteren, who is now the source of most human improved with time.” But you no Glory’s CEO Don Sessions, a surely one of the most eminent suffering…” doubt heard that from Greta. diamond-flashing septaugenar- practitioners, is the daughter of Oh, Those Troops Turn Up the (H)EAT ian, told the online video gaming Urban van Susteren, who man- While we’re on this harangue, We have been relatively sloth- magazine PTD he’d “like to see aged the election campaign of we can report that after seventeen ful members of Seacoast Local Ol’ Glory become “the drink of the late and thoroughly dis- years of official denial that Gulf since its inception. Seacoast Lo- the Armed Forces.” graced Sen. Joseph McCarthy. War Illness exists, a committee cal is a grassroots not-for-profit Sounds rather improbable, And when Greta was a child, appointed by Congress has re- network “dedicated to promot- but apparently he’s already got the alcoholic right-wing Senator leased a report which says “[a]t ing community involvement in the Oklahoma National Guard lived at the Van Susteren home least one in four of the 697,000 local business, agriculture, arts distributing his guarana-laced in Appleton, WI, when not in U.S. veterans of the 1991 Gulf and culture, the environment and version of high-fructose corn Washington tormenting people War suffer from Gulf War illness, civic life in the Seacoast region of syrup and water for free during for his own political gain. a condition caused by exposure to its recruiting efforts and at spe- If you’ve ever watched Greta, toxic chemicals, including pesti- More News Briefs cial events. thought there was something a cides and a drug administered to to page four The Flag Police are speechless. Page 4 - The New Hampshire Gazette - December 5, 2008

Northcountry Chronicle Mad Christian Disease by William Marvel I’ve never met this niece, and either, so perhaps it’s just as well. not be our children biologically, that’s fine with me. Her parents God obviously had another use but they would be our children in his title may seem a little ir- and one of her sisters (Misty for her, as she would put it. That every other sense of the word. It reverent, but please under- Dawn, no less) were more than use apparently did not include is my dream and goal to be in a Tstand that we’ve just received our enough, thank you, with their further employment, which is place in a few years to be able to latest letter from one of my wife’s constant comments on the “wis- unfortunate, because Tyler heard have eight to ten kids in our fam- obsessively Christian relatives, dom” of God, the “theory” of evo- the same voices: God “clearly ily, some of them adopted, others begging for money for a good lution, and the visceral allure of and without any doubt” told him foster kids.” Christian purpose. The cultural Wal-Mart. Like her parents and to resign from his job. Now he’s She conspicuously failed to implications are nothing short of sister, Wende and her husband taken some EMT training and, note whether this was also Ty- terrifying: the Taliban has noth- use divine will as an excuse for like many who have been led by ler’s dream, any more than it was ing on Kansas gospel mongers, everything they do and every- divine guidance into a private his idea for her to quit teaching. except perhaps AK-47s. thing that happens to them. profession where they failed, he Adoption is a wonderful substi- This time it was another of the According to Wende’s letter, hopes that God will now find ship songs in the car.” I guess the tute for having children, but— innumerable nieces and neph- “we are both searching for what him work in the public sector. He car is the only convenient place thanks probably to the foster- ews, from whom we only hear God wants from us for future may, meanwhile, wish that God to lock them up while she watch- care experience—this couple when they graduate from high job situations.” That’s Christian- had kept his mouth shut about es the soaps. seems unable to shake the notion school, get married, or have some speak for “unemployed.” God is Wende’s teaching job. The presence of all those that kids are something the rest other excuse to hint for money. responsible for everything out Since God told them to hit children must have ignited the of the world is supposed to pay Frequently they ask for cash out- there, and they ask his counsel the skids, they’ve taken in a pack maternal fire in Wende, whose you for raising. Their form let- right, usually to fund some “mis- before they even go to the bath- of foster children. That is cur- evangelical euphemisms may ter therefore included a stamped, sionary” venture in South Ameri- room. From recent photographs rently their only means of mak- imply that they cannot have self-addressed envelope in which ca or Eastern Europe, where they it would appear that God mostly ing money, and it gives them the children of their own. Perhaps we were expected to return a try to convert the inhabitants to advises them to siphon down chance to transform helpless kids it’s merely that, after all those check. their Bible-thumping brand of hamburgers and soda. into the same religious fanatics hamburgers and sodas, God My wife contemplates using Christianity. The recent letter had Wende attended a Wesleyan that they and their parents are. won’t lead Tyler to the requisite the envelope for one of her gen- an even uglier twist: this particu- college, where she met her hus- “We are thankful for the spiri- performance. Whatever the un- tly dissenting letters, designed to lar niece and her husband have band, Tyler. She taught in the el- tual influence we are able to have derlying problem may be, Wende explain that we do not share her determined to make their living ementary grades briefly, but didn’t on their lives,” says Wende of her tells us that “God has laid it on niece’s religious views or social by transforming other people’s like it. Judging from her letter, state-subsidized boarders. “Their our hearts to adopt and have a perspective. I think I’ll just throw children into “good Christians.” she didn’t like English grammar, favorite thing to do is sing wor- house full of children who would in a copy of this column.

More News Briefs The local, independent busi- ity in the U.S. has risen to levels today, get it back next week. carried in the store come from from page three nesses that make up Seacoast not seen since the Gilded Age And local businesses provide a one hundred mile radius of Local have committed them- (1877—1890). Over the past something else, which the (H) Dover—reducing the amount of southern Maine and New Hamp- selves to raising enough mon- thirty years, most of the gains in EAT campaign clearly dem- miles that the inventory has trav- shire.” If it had been dependent ey—$50,000—to buy the afore- per capita income have gone to onstrates. Local businesses are eled to get to the consumer, thus on our active participation for its mentioned quantities of food and those in the top few percent. And already participating in local reducing CO2 emissions. survival, Seacoast Local would fuel. The donations they collect that was before the present melt- philanthropy, day in, day out, “This concept was second have failed by now—but it has will go directly to agencies that down. Now that the disadvan- in less obvious ways. You need nature to us,” Andrew Kellar, not. In fact, it’s thriving. And it’s already serve the public, such as taged and just plain unlucky are look no further than your lo- Founder of Simply Green Bio- doing something so compelling, Rockingham County Commu- most in need of help, the federal cal bookstore(s) to see that. (H) fuels, explained to us by means we’re actually going to start put- nity Action, the Salvation Army, and state taps are running dry. EAT is just a grander, more ob- of a convenient and useful press ting our oar in, right here, right South Church, Kittery’s Table of All that money had to go to Wall vious manifestation of the phe- release. now. Plenty, and York County Com- Street, don’t you know. nomenon. “We want to provide a local The project is called (H)EAT, munity Action. It’s always a better idea, if you’re Congreenience Store option not only for fuel, but for and it’s about “Ten Thousand The inspiration for this project going to spend any money, to do Opens in Dover items that people use every day. Meals, Ten Thousand Gallons.” is fairly clear. Income inequal- it locally if you can. Money spent New Hampshire’s first exclu- Our customers can come in to in big box stores goes to China, sive biofuels station and “Con- shop and know that what they by way of Wall Street. Money greenience” store held a grand are buying is helping our local spent locally stays in circulation, opening this afternoon at 547 community.” and helps keep the wheels of the Central Avenue in Dover. Sev- Biofuels are a cleaner-burning local economy greased. Spend it enty-five percent of the products mix of traditional petroleum- now offering short run

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Moving Pictures British Invaders by Rodman Philbrick might even infiltrate the high On Mars to these shores. Great MI-5 is, of course, Military In- levels of government, where good acting by Adrian Lester, Marc telligence Section 5, the British s far as American-born ac- actors are always in demand. Warren, Jaime Murray (the bad equivalent of the FBI spy-catch- tors are concerned, the most Why, if the conspiracy succeeds and sexy girlfriend on Dexter) ing division. MI-6 being more Adangerous invaders are not Sh- we could find ourselves electing and with American actor Robert like the CIA. If you find the dis- aria-spouting terrorists or goo- a president who might be hid- Vaughn as the eminence greasy. tinction interesting, and you ever dripping alien pirates from outer ing ancestral connections to the Jekyll—a six part miniseries loved the Bond movies or the space. What shivers the timbers former British colony of, say, starring James Nesbitt as the last John le Carre spy novels, you’ll of the Screen Actors Guild is the Kenya. Okay, so he’s hiding his living descendent of the infa- find MI-5 pleasantly addictive. infestation of accent-perfect ac- father in plain sight, on the best- mous Dr. Jekyll. Mr. Hyde frol- Lots of crisp dialogue, clock- tors from the far-flung nations seller pages—that simply under- icking in the 21st Century Lon- ticking suspense, slick cinema- dios rural comedies, with a bit of the British Commonwealth. scores their evil cleverness—or don club scene? Delicious. Plus tography. Plus you never know of tea cosy mystery thrown-in. We’re not referring to big-screen is it their clever evilness?—like he gets to keep himself prisoner what long-running character is Starring Robert Carlyle (The Full stars like Russell Crowe (New replacing cornpone-prone Bill under lock-and-key, which for going to be killed in any given Monty) as a constable in a small Zealand) Mel Gibson (Australia) Clinton with a Royal Shake- the Brits is almost as much fun episode. village in the highlands of Scot- and Cate Blanchette (Australia), speare-trained bubba clone when as a high colonic. Rebus—An Edinburgh de- land. He’s less interested in mak- all of whom arrived under their he attended Oxford. The State Within—A two-disc tective series based on the Ian ing arrests than he is in preserv- own flags, impressing theater au- Far better—and far more thriller starring Jason Isaacs as a Rankin novels. The first season ing a way of life. More eccentric diences with their ability to ex- patriotic—to take your Com- diplomatic operative drawn into starred John Hannah as a too- characters than you can shake a ude, when called upon, convinc- monwealth actors straight, with a vast right wing—or is it left young version of the beer-and- haggis at, and there’s plenty of ing patterns of American speech, no deception. You have nothing wing?—conspiracy that starts single-malt swilling homicide puzzles to be solved with nary right down to the subtleties of to fear from the following Brit- with a passenger plane exploding investigator, later corrected by a hint of violence. Based on the regional accents. ish television series, all available over Washington, D.C. The U.S. the more age-appropriate Ken mystery novels of M.C. Beaton. No, the most recent invaders on DVD (and some on BBC Secretary of Defense looks suspi- Stott. Played close to the books, Kavanagh QC—This series seemed to have slipped into our America) and all featuring actual ciously like Dick Cheney in drag, and you get to discover how all stars John Thaw in one of his living rooms without so much as British-sounding actors easily but then again, don’t they all? those weirdly spelled names are last roles. He’s very much in his flashing their passports, or lifting identified as enemy combatants. Murder City—A great lit- pronounced. Pour yourself a “Inspector Morse” personna as their pinkie fingers when sipping Some with regional and class ac- tle ten-episode series starring Laphroaig and enjoy. the irascible barrister—a Queen’s milk-sodden tea. Think Eng- cents that will have you cupping Amanda Donohoe as a detective McCallum—An excellent five- Counsel—whose avid pursuit of land’s Hugh Laurie in the title hand to ear and ranting “what inspector with a team of investi- disc series starring the above- justice often involves solving a role as House, or that Tasmanian did he say?” to your long-suffer- gators that includes boy genius mentioned John Hannah as a crime in the guise of a courtroom devil Simon Baker in The Men- ing spouses. Kris Marshall, a university- forensic pathologist in London’s drama. Well played, sir! talist. Or—and some viewers still Hustle—a slickly produced, trained savant. East End. Intelligent scripts, As to those Brits, Aussies, and refuse to believe it—the veddy cleverly plotted variation on Mis- MI-5—Already familiar to well-acted characters, plus oodles sheep-loving New Zealand- British Dominic West as “Balti- sion Impossible, about a charm- many viewers, who got a taste of Indian take-out. Not as gory ers currently impersonating na- more” detective Jimmy McNulty ing team of con artists who take of it on cable. The long-running as CSI, but is that really a bad tive sons and daughters on red- in The Wire. money only from those who de- espionage series is at least as sus- thing? blooded Amurican TV shows, A thespian fifth column, obvi- serve to be punished. Created by penseful as 24, and the torture Hamish Macbeth—A delightful show us your true selves, please. ously. If the trend continues they Tony Jordon, who exported Life scenes are done in a posh accent. throwback to the old Ealing Stu- Lift the pinky.

from page four Simply Green Biofuels, visit that Pakistan is pretty shaky, that we’ll recover from whatever one has flaws. For some of us, www.seacoastbiofuels.com. due to the strain of trying to si- little bumps we hit. But consid- that may mean an association, based fuel and a fuel prod- Our Future … multaneously contain its Islamic ering the rocky economy, and past or present, with one or more uct made in the from renew- Assuming We Have One militants and maintain the good our casual—make that lackadai- somewhat dubious persons. And able feedstock resources; Simply The U.S. economy is in sham- graces of Foggy Bottom and the sical—approach to cash reserves, about this time of year, you may Green’s is a blend of soybean oil bles. The global situation is about Pentagon. When parents divorce, that’s probably not very wise. So well be wondering, what, if any- and tallow. Blends are available as dire—and we begin writing people ask, who gets the kids? If we thought we ought to make a thing, should I give that dubious from 5 percent up to 100 percent this piece on Friday, Novem- Pakistan falls apart, the question pitch here for more subscriptions. person? Allow us to suggest that pure Biofuel. No system modifi- ber 28. Lord only knows how is, who gets the nukes? Gift Subscriptions, in particular. for certain dubious persons, no cations are needed to run up to a desperate things might be two Being in this racket, there’s a No matter how good a per- gift is more appropriate than the 20 percent (B20) blend. weeks hence! Just to pick an tendency to focus on those ex- son you try to be, the odds are Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™. For more information about example at random, experts say ternal catastrophes, and figure that you’re not perfect. Every- See below:

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history of Stratham’s politics. And the taxpayer another $60,000. thanks to your niece, for buying Here is the math; $480,000 Mash Notes Hate Mail your subscription. per month x 12 months is an , , The Editor annual cost to the taxpayers of I hope I don’t appear to be ing like a cancer for years, the 4 $5,760,000. prejudiced against Islam. I am State has failed to address the You’re Right, We’re Wrong Madame Pelosi wants you not prejudiced against Islam. I imbalance between funding and [No salutation] and I to conserve our carbon hate all religions. income in any fundamental way. You are so misinformed that it footprint. She wants us to buy Amen, Now, at the eleventh hour, we makes me feel sorry for all of you. smaller cars and Obama says, get Gary Walker, aka Infidel find the Governor and Legisla- You are all to so wrong in the way a bicycle. This is the epitome of Campton tive Fiscal Committee desperate- you think the world is. arrogance. Gary: ly cutting the state budget. Des- Paul Rody Dick Marple Well, it’s nice to see you’re not peration does not make for good via the InterTubes Hooksett, NH prejudiced. decision-making: on Nov 21, $3 A Happy Ex-Pat Strathamite Paul: Dick: The Editor million was rescinded from the To the Editor: Your irrefutible argument has OK, you’ve roused our curiosity. 4 state’s Land and Community As a native of Stratham who convinced us of the error of our We’re going to look into this. Source of the Affordable Heritage Investment Program has lived fulltime in Maryland ways. We are mortified to have been The Editor Housing Problem? (LCHIP). since 1961, I was pleasantly sur- so foolish. Please forgive us. 4 To the Editor: We question the impact of this prised to see the letter from the The Editor At Least He’s Even-Handed There’s a reason why we have $3 million upon a quarter billion co-coordinators of the Stratham 4 About His Intolerance a lack of affordable housing in dollar deficit. for Carol (Shea-Porter) group Speaker Pelosi’s To the Editor: Portsmouth and much of the sur- LCHIP is an independent state and to learn that my old home Big Carbon Footprints Thanks for printing my letter rounding area. Every time a build- authority that makes matching town had resoundingly backed To the Editor: Nov.21. It did take a bit of dar- ing gets the slightest bit scruffy grants to New Hampshire com- their candidate on Nov. 4. The It is reported that Speaker ing (what with the L. Ron Mu- and would appeal to people who munities and nonprofit organiza- Congresswoman from New Pelosi wasn’t happy with the hammad thing and my mention have less money but don’t mind tions, enabling them to conserve Hampshire’s First District was small private jet that comes with of Allah) when one considers the older places that might need the state’s most important natu- one of the candidates to whom the Speaker’s job since this little insane outrage over those Danish some work to live in, some fat ral resources. I made a few small financial jet had to stop to refuel and this cartoons a while ago. As far as I cat buys them, tears them down, LCHIP’s total $4.3 million contributions on the basis of aggravated her. Without consid- know only Free Inquiry magazine builds mansions in place of them, budget—soon to be minus $3 worthiness and need. And I was ering the cost, she ordered a 200 from Amherst, NY printed the sells the mansions to people who million—makes up less than most happy to see that she was seat jet with fuel tanks that could dreaded cartoons in America. can’t afford them, and sells the one-eighth of one percent of the reelected. get her back and forth to Cali- The Muslims were upset because mortgages to some bank out of state’s $10.3 billion biennial bud- When I was a kid (long long fornia without stopping. the cartoons depicted them as state. He makes a bundle and we get. ago in the 40s), you could prob- “It’s not a question of size, it’s a violent. They were so upset that can’t find a nice old house to live Since its creation in 2000, ably count the number of Demo- question of distance,” Pelosi said. they rioted all over the globe. in and fix up. That’s why we have LCHIP has enabled 107 New crats in Stratham on the fingers “We want an aircraft that can Sigh! a banking crisis, too, of course. Is Hampshire communities to con- of one hand. It’s good to know reach California.” Over the centuries Jesus has there some way we can rein in serve more than 220,000 acres of that’s no longer the case. Navy Commander Jefrey Gor- matured a little. He is now able these tycoons? high priority conservation land. For some years now, my beau- don, a Pentagon spokesman, to withstand a joke or two. Allah Joel S. Look Thanks to LCHIP, thousands of tiful niece Jenn has sent me a gift said that Pelosi would be offered needs to get a life and grow up. Portsmouth, NH acres of working farm and for- subscription to your fine publica- “shuttle service for no more than King what’s his name of Saudi Joel: est lands and important drinking tion (which, at the least, serves to ten passengers between Wash- Arabia is now leading the charge Cheer up, Joel. After the economy water resources have been safe- counterbalance the ravings of the ington and San Francisco only to make blasphemy a crime the finishes cratering, all those empty guarded for future use. Preserv- Union-Leader). And I still have based on aircraft availability.” world over. The holy rollers are McMansions can be converted into ing these resources also helps to one brother and a couple of other “This does not guarantee non- going to the UN with their dark tenements. There’ll be so many units maintain the state’s attraction as nieces in the old home town. stop transport,” Gordon said. age request. Sigh! available, rents will plummet. a destination of tourist dollars— Keep up the good work. Her colleagues had raised According to a UNICEF re- The Editor a major source of income for the Kenneth A. Stevens eyebrows as the fuel costs us, port from Somalia, a thirteen 4 state. Savage, MD the hard working American tax year old girl was walking alone to LCHIP Conservation land is not an Kenneth: payers, thousands of dollars ad- visit her grandmother. She was To the Editor: “extra”—a frill that merits fiscal That was an astonishing result. ditionally each week! attacked by three men and raped. Times are tough. attention only when there’s cash Since her first campaign, a bar- Madam Pelosi works 3 days When she complained to the New Hampshire’s projected to spare. Clean water and fertile rage of leters from Strathamites has a week, hence this fuel guzzling authorities, SHE was accused budget shortfall is approaching farming soil are finite resources. excoriated now-Congresswoman jet costs the taxpayers of about of adultery. They placed her in a $250 million. This should not If we do not take steps now to Carol Shea-Porter, and praised her $60,000, one way. Whoops, we hole and fifty men stoned her to come as a surprise. Although the ensure their future availability, rival to the skies. Thanks for giv- have to pay to bring her back on death while 1000 others watched. deficit and the unfunded liabili- we have no guarantee that these ing us this first-person look at the Monday night, right? Cost to you Sigh! ties that feed it have been grow- resources will be here tomorrow.

Green House Eco-Friendly Painting Services The New Hampshire Gazette Dru Chichester (603) 438-5837 DRUCHICHESTER@ 214 State St., Portsmouth, NH The Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ YAHOO.COM (603) 431-1897 Founder: Daniel Fowle (1715—1787) Published Fortnightly on Alternate Fridays PO Box 756, Portsmouth, NH 03802 Where the grass is www.nhgazette.com • (603) 433-9898 • [email protected] always greener. Subscriptions: $25 per year for 26 issues Natural/organic See Page Five for Subscription Form fertilizing programs Now Mailed First Class ALL SEASON LAWN CARE PO Box 645 Editor: Steven Fowle • Starving Artiste: Michael Dater Next to City Hall in Downtown Dover, NH Cape Neddick, ME 03902 3 Hale Street j (603) 742-1737 Business (Such as it Is) Manager: Rose Eppard (207) 361-1500 Columnist: William Marvel • Moving Picture Reviewer: Rodman Philbrick • 100 Proof Department: Rose Eppard, Jane Active French School Porter, Pat Day, and Marcia Jebb • Freelance Instigator & Unindicted Co-conspirators: Win Rhoades and Jack Cleary French Classes. Distributor: New England Distribution Network • Downtown All Levels, All Ages Distributors: Adam Williams, Megan “Moonbeam” Stelzer, .com Shawn White, Murph • Subscription Fulfillment: Sally Strazdins, 603.430.2020 Gail Drobnyk, Rose Eppard, Jane Hoffman, Joan Jacobs, Unique Gifts Steph Holdridge • Postal Hauler: Sally Strazdins for Everyone on Your List www.activefrenchschool.com 33 Vaughan Mall • Portsmouth, NH 03801 • 603-431-2243 Friday, December 5, 2008 - The New Hampshire Gazette - Page 7

The profit made by the war “I helped make Mexico, especially And Other Correspondence profiteers and the hangers-on Tampico, safe for American oil in- cannot pay for our bravest and terests in 1914. I helped make Hai- Or next year. Or in 10 years. ily, friends, or health, but when it best that sacrificed their lives and ti and Cuba a decent place for the New Hampshire townspeople came my turn I said, “I’m thank- limbs for the freedom we often National City Bank boys to collect and federal decision-makers ful we’re getting a new presi- take for granted. revenues in. I helped in the raping alike recognize this. Despite the dent.” There is nothing that can pay of half a dozen Central American current challenging economic To this my host replied, “I’m for the trauma of grief of the wives republics for the benefits of Wall climate, communities across the thankful the present one is leav- and husbands who have lost the Street. state as well as the federal govern- ing.” love, intimacy and the support of “The record of racketeering is ment have appropriated funding Bill Alton their mates or the trauma of the long. I helped purify Nicaragua for for land conservation. But with- Exeter, NH children who have lost the love the international banking house of out the additional leverage from Bill: of a parent, a mentor and a role Brown Brothers in 1909-1912. I LCHIP, it’s just not enough. Bush finally becomes the uniter he model to help them mature into brought light to the Dominican Re- killed in battle? For each LCHIP dollar in- promised he would be. happy, responsible adults? public for American sugar interests “Out of war nations acquire vested, more that six matching The Editor How do we pay for many Vet- in 1916. In China I helped to see to additional territory, if they are dollars are generated through lo- 4 eran suicides that are as much a it that Standard Oil went its way victorious. They just take it. This cal, private, and federal contribu- Lethal Obsolescence combat casualty as the rest but unmolested. During those years, I newly acquired territory promptly tions. To the Editor; they are never part of the count? had, as the boys in the back room is exploited by the few—the self- In effect, the governor and Fis- Wars are obsolete. No one wins What is the price of many of the would say, a swell racket. same few who wrung dollars out of cal Committee have rescinded wars. They do not make world homeless veterans with PTSD, “Looking back on it, I feel that I blood in the war. The general public not $3 million from the state’s peace. They are not cost effective. living in the nightmares of the could have given Al Capone a few shoulders the bill.” conservation kitty, but $21 mil- Even the Military, Industrial secreted atrocities (See The Na- hints. The best he could do was to But who knows? Maybe things lion—including $18 million in Congressional Complex cannot tion, December 1, 2008) of wars operate his racket in three districts. have changed since then. outside matching funds. make profit enough to offset the that have proven to be fought for I operated on three continents.” The Editor If it was the goal of the gov- long-term costs of war to our na- corporate profit? In his book, War is a Racket, he 4 ernor and Fiscal Committee to tional economy and debt. Wars may end and hostilities elaborated: Old Guy Needs Work hamstring the conservation work Consider the cost of GI life cease but the price we all pay “A racket is best described, I be- of New Hampshire’s citizenry, insurance payments ($10,000 in goes on and ON and ON until lieve, as something that is not what they have succeeded. 1944 to $50,000 plus today) paid we work as hard for peace as we it seems to the majority of the people. If their intent was to make to all the families of the casual- do for war. Only a small “inside” group knows anything other than a token ges- ties since WWII. Wilbur N. Rhodes what it is about. It is conducted for ture to address New Hampshire’s The costs of supporting the Kittery, ME the benefit of the very few, at the escalating deficit, they have failed wounded veterans in VA hospi- Wilbur: expense of the very many. Out of spectacularly. tals and the medical payments, Perhaps you’ve heard of Major war a few people make huge for- Steve Panish, Chairman of the plus the travel payments to the General Smedley Darlington But- tunes. Board, Moose Mountains Re- VA centers, for the wounded vet- ler. Twice decorated with the Medal “In the World War [I] a mere gional Greenways erans for the rest of their lives as of Honor, he was the most decorated handful garnered the profits of the Milton, NH well as burial benefits, plus the Marine in U.S. history. conflict. At least 21,000 new mil- 4 cost of veteran’s pensions for the As a young Marine, Butler fought lionaires and billionaires were What We’re Thankful For past sixty-four years. with great courage and distinction made in the United States during To the Editor: Add the costs of the lost na- in the Boxer Rebellion, for which the World War. That many admitted Dear Readers: Having no family in the area, val and commercial ships, land- he was awarded the Marine Bre- their huge blood gains in their in- The above gentleman appeared I accepted an invitation for ing craft, aircraft, tanks, artillery, vet Medal, and given a battlefield come tax returns. How many other at our lavishly appointed offices Thanksgiving from a family firearms, motor vehicles plus the commission. Sadly, he lost a chunk war millionaires falsified their tax recently, smelling faintly of rum which had joined my church. She waste, corruption and theft of of Central America from the large returns no one knows. and asking for employment. We was American and he was Euro- the Pentagon’s military procure- tattoo on his chest of the Marines’ “How many of these war million- explained that we had no work pean. ment system, “eagle, globe, and anchor” symbol aires shouldered a rifle? How many for him at the moment, but if suf- This family had two kids, one What is the cost of the en- bue to a gunshot wound. He went of them dug a trench? How many ficient numbers of people were to of whom had a homework as- emies we have made with the on to fight in Honduras, Veracruz, of them knew what it meant to go buy gift subscriptions for friends, signment to write a paragraph on “collateral damage” of the dead Mexico (first Medal of Honor), and hungry in a rat-infested dug-out? relations, or people they simply what he was thankful for. and wounded innocent Iraqi and Haiti (second Medal of Honor). He How many of them spent sleepless, wished to annoy, we might get The kid was thankful for a new Afghan men, women and Chil- eventually served 33 years in the frightened nights, ducking shells busy enough to hire him. If you computer game. dren? What has the evidence of Corps. and shrapnel and machine gun bul- wish to help him, and us, you will The adults adopted this as a our covert kidnapping and tor- After his retirement, Butler gave lets? How many of them parried a find the form on the bottom of topic of discussion. Adults are ture cost us in the eyes of the a speech in which he described his bayonet thrust of an enemy? How page five to be useful. usually more thankful for fam- world opinion? career as follows: many of them were wounded or The Editor

427-2919

We are old

“We’re worth the trip.” and love is still possible autumn rain

Tom D’Evelyn haikumuse.com

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62 Congress St. 62 Congress St. Portsmouth, NH Portsmouth, NH 603-430-0353 603-430-0353 Page 8 - The New Hampshire Gazette - December 5, 2008 Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide (Not for Navigational Purposes)

Portsmouth is bounded on the caused by the moon. The other major trucks.) Bay. This spectacle can best be seen when Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest bobbing around in the current. That buoy oil, and salt generally do so at high tide, north and east by the Piscataqua River. player is a vast sunken valley, about ten The moon’s meddling creates a roving the chart below shows the tide rising. current. A good place to observe this is weighs several tons, is nine feet wide, for maximum clearance under their keels. Depending on which tour boat captain miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon hydraulic conflict as incoming sea and A good place to watch is the little deck from Bow Street, up by St. John’s church. and it bobs and bounces in the current When they leave empty, riding high in you believe, it’s the second, the third, or drags roughly seventeen billion gallons outgoing river collide. The skirmish line near the sterns of the tugboats, off Ceres Look up the river, from one of the little like a cork! The river also has its placid the water, they tend to go at low tide, the fourth fastest-flowing navigable river of salt water from the ocean, up the moves from the mouth of the river, past Street. Twice a day, too, the moon lets parking lots between the buildings. moments, around high and low tides. for maximum clearance under Memorial in the country. river, into Great Bay. (If the moon ever New Castle, around the bend by the old all that water go. All the salt water that (Don’t try to drive or park there, that Often when the river rests, its tugboats Bridge. The Piscataqua’s remarkable current stopped moving that water for us, it Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, just fought its way upstream goes back won’t work.) You’ll see a red buoy, at and drawbridges work their hardest. is caused by the tide which, in turn is could be replaced with 2,125,000 tanker past the tugboats, and on towards Great to rejoin the ocean. This is when the the upstream end of Badger’s Island, Ships coming in heavily laden with coal,

Sunday, December 7 Monday, December 8 Tuesday, December 9 Wednesday, December 10 Thursday, December 11 Friday, December 12 Saturday, December 13

2006—The “Justice” Department 2004—Soldiers in Iraq ask Sec. 1994—Surgeon General Joyceleyn 2004—Gary Webb, a writer who 2006—On national TV, President 2005—“I think we are welcomed 2003—Final victory in Iraq ap- fires eight prosecutors for failing to of Defense Rumsfeld why he sent Elders is fired for suggesting that exposed the CIA-Contra drug George W. Bush denies that he was [in Iraq],” says George W. Bush, pears imminent as U.S. troops drag persecute enough Democrats. them there without enough vehicle having sex with yourself is permis- connection, dies when he’s shot ever “a knee-walking drunk.” “but it was not a peaceful wel- S. Hussein out of a hole in the 1998—Boris Yeltsin leaves the hos- armor. sible. twice in the face. The coroner says 2000—The Supreme Court hears come.” ground. U.S. death toll: 547. pital, fires several aides, and returns 1993—President Clinton signs 1992—U.S. Marines wade ashore “suicide.” Bush v. Gore. 2000—The Supreme Court selects 2000—Al Gore decides he’d rather to the hospital. NAFTA into law. at 2:00 a.m. local time in Somalia, 1998—House Judiciary Commit- 1998—Pres. Clinton begs for for- George W. Bush President. be righteous than be president. 1995—French workers numbering 1982—Norman Mayer threatens prime-time in U.S. tee debates whether to impeach giveness, gets three articles of im- 1998—For good measure, Con- 1988—In , Ray Landry’s 1.75 million protest global exploi- to blow up the Washington Monu- 1983—Ed Meese says people go Pres. Clinton for lying about his peachment, instead. gress whups a fourth article of im- death is delayed 14 minutes when tation. ment with a van full of dynamite to soup kitchens because it’s “easier disgusting behavior. 1981—Soldiers of the U.S.-backed peachment on Pres. Clinton. a tube falls from his arm and lethal 1993—The Department of Energy unless a national dialogue on ban- than paying.” 1992—Sen. Bob Packwood (Lech- Salvadoran government massacre 1988—An errant Navy practice chemicals spray across the room. admits it’s conducted more than ning nuclear weapons begins. After 1966—“We are in a much stronger er-Oregon) apologizes for his approximately 900 villagers at El missile hits an Indian freighter, 1978—The Susan B. Anthony 200 secret weapons tests. a ten hour standoff, police shoot position than two years ago,” says disgusting behavior, but refuses to Mozote. killing a crewman. dollar is released to an anxiously 1987—A disgruntled ex-employee and kill him. Sec. of State Dean Rusk, “[Com- resign. 1961—Army helicopters and crew- 1985—A plane belonging to Ol- awaiting public. shoots a Southwest Airlines pilot 1980—John Lennon is shot dead mies] will not be able to succeed [in 1978—Cross-dressing ex-para- men begin direct U.S. military sup- lie North’s favorite airline crashes 1964—Four black girls die when a and co-pilot. The plane breaks up in New York. South Vietnam].” trooper and bad movie director Ed port in Vietnam. at Gander, Newfoundland, killing church is bombed in Montgomery, while diving at Mach 1.2, killing 1972—United Airlines Flight 553 1958—The John Birch Society Wood, Jr. dies in Hollywood. 1960—At the last minute, seeing 248 American soldiers. Investiga- Ala. Three white men are convict- all on board. crashes in Chicago, killing 45 peo- is founded; famous for calling 1974—Rep. Wilbur Mills (D- that JFK has his wife and kids in tions carefully reveal nothing. ed, and serve an aggregate total of 1977—FBI releases JFK assassina- ple, including E. Howard Hunt’s Dwight Eisenhower a Commie. Ark.) resigns in disgrace following the car with him, ex-Belmont, NH 1984—Georgia officials zap Alpha thirty days. tion files … some of them. wife Dorothy. 1955—Hired by Ford to suggest the “Fanne Foxe/Argentine Fire- resident Richard Pavlik defers his Otis Stephens for two minutes, but 1951—Harry S Truman lets J. Ed- 1975—Indonesia invades East 1969—The LAPD raids Black a name for a new model, poet cracker” affair. plan to crash into the President- he breathes for another six minutes gar “Mary” Hoover scare him into Timor with a little help from the Panther HQ. Marianne Moore suggest “Utopian 1967—To lower the cost of natural elect’s car with his dynamite-laden before they finish him off. agreeing to purge “disloyal” govern- U.S. and Britain. 1967—U.S. counts 365 dead Viet Turtletop;” Ford goes with “Edsel,” gas, the U.S. government explodes 1950 Buick. 1983—At a Boston trade show ment workers. 1970—R.I.P. Rube Goldberg, Cong in Mekong Delta battle. instead. an A-bomb in NM. 1951—Coal dust removal tech- called “New Trends in Missiles,” 1949—An American League pro- cartoonist and designer of Gazette 1963—Lightning strike ignites fuel 1953—GE vows to fire any Com- 1966—Sixteen U.S. Marines are niques are approved by state in- anarchist wiseguys turn loose 1,000 posal to legalize the spitball fails. business plan. tanks of a jetliner which crashes mie employees. killed in Vietnam, and 11 are spectors at New Orient mine in cockroaches, symbolizing likely 1932—The work of Congress is in- 1968—R. Dodd returns a book near Elkton, Md. 1949—J. Parnell , no lon- wounded, by “friendly fire.” West Frankfort, Ill. Ten days later winners of a nuclear war. terrupted by a deranged store clerk overdue 145 years to the U. of 1940—Four hundred German ger head of House Un-American 1961—Several highways in New an explosion kills 119. 1950—Sen. Joe McCarthy (R-WI) brandishing a revolver. Cincinnati; librarians fail to collect planes bomb London. Activities Committee, gets 6 to Mexico are closed after radioactive 1838—The House of Representa- kicks columnist Drew Pearson in 1864—Paraguay declares war on $22,646 in fines. 1894—Birth of James Thurber, 18 months in the Crowbar Hilton steam escapes following a nuclear tives passes a “gag rule,” proposed the groin. Brazil; by war’s end half its popula- 1941—Japanese planes attack Pearl Columbus, Ohio. for padding Congressional payrolls weapon test. by Rep. Charles Atherton (D- 1930—Spanish Civil War starts. tion is dead. Harbor. 1864—Pope Pius IX denounces and spending the loot. 1936—King Edward VIII of Eng- NH), which prohibits the discus- 1927—Threatened with impeach- 1774—Paul Revere rides to Ports- 1931—Hundreds of hungry work- liberalism, socialism, and rational- 1896—Alfred Jarry’s Ubu Roi is land gives up his day job. sion of slavery. ment by legislators, Oklahoma mouth with news that the export of ers show up at White House peti- ism. first performed. A riot follows. 1906—The IWW sponsors the 1792—The French Convention Governor Henry Johnston calls out powder and arms to America has tioning for work; they get the bum’s 1854—Pope Pius IX proclaims the 1842—Birth of Pytor Kropotkin, first U.S. sit-down strike, in tries King Louis XVI, aka “Louis le state troopers to stop them. been prohibited. rush. doctrine of the Immaculate Con- historian and anarchist. Schenectady. Dernier,” for treason. 1776—Fearing the British will 1642—Abel Janszoon Tasman, 1682—Pennsylvania passes the ception. 1640—Hugh Bewitt declares he’s 1901—The First Nobel Prizes are 1602—Genevan women wielding take Philadelphia, the Continental a Dutch explorer, discovers New “Great Law,” abolishing war in that 1792—Henry Laurens becomes innocent of original sin, and gets given by guilt-ridden dynamite in- vats of hot soup repel Savoyards Congress gives dictatorial powers Zealand but flees after Maoris eat colony. first person cremated in U.S. banished from Mass. for it. ventor Alfred Nobel. scaling the city walls. to Washington and flees. a landing party. 7:44 8:16 8:34 9:09 9:20 9:57 10:03 10:41 10:43 11:22 11:21 12:00 11:58

1:20 2:00 2:12 2:53 3:00 3:41 3:44 4:24 4:25 5:04 5:04 5:43 5:41 6:21 Sunday, December 14 Monday, December 15 Tuesday, December 16 Wednesday, December 17 Thursday, December 18 Friday, December 19 Saturday, December 20 12:00 2005—George W. Bush blames the 1997—Paula Jones’ lawyers maneu- 1998—Just before Ramadan (and 2005—A mob of 40 drunken, 2005—“Not only can we win the 2007—Fire breaks out near “Dick” 1991—A CIA report on greater Iraq War on “faulty intelligence.” ver into signing a legal a vote on his impeachment) Pres. anarchy-spouting Santas go on a war in Iraq—we are winning the Cheney’s office. Likely cause: spon- openness is classified “secret.” 2004—George W. Bush puts Med- document claiming he’d not had Clinton fires 200 missiles at Iraq. rampage through Aukland, NZ. war in Iraq,” declares George W. taneous inhuman combustion. 1989—The U.S. invades Panama to als of Freedom around the necks of sex with government workers. 1988—Bush #41 appoints Sen. 1998—Pres. Clinton continues Bush, 962 days after having de- 1998—As Bill Clinton is being arrest CIA agent Manuel Noriega. L. Paul Bremer, General Tommy 1986—Bill Casey, CIA director, John Tower, a boozing womanizer, blasting Iraq, using up about half of clared “Mission accomplished.” impeached for some hanky-panky, 1983—Once and future U.S. De- Franks, and George Tenet. suffers a convenient seizure while to be Defense Secretary. the Pentagon’s cruise missiles. 2004—John Walsh announces on Speaker-elect Bob Livingston re- fense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld 1996—An out-of-control 700 foot on the job, preventing him from 1988—Lyndon LaRouche is con- 1997—In Paris, 34 nations includ- “America’s Most Wanted” that the signs to cover up a bit of his own. visits Baghdad to shake the hand freighter crashes into a New Or- testifying about Iran/Contra. victed of tax and mail fraud. ing the U.S. sign an anti-bribery- two fugitives he most wants to 1984—Due to a work speedup, 27 of mass murderer Saddam Hussein leans dock, killing no one. 1983—Ed Meese denies Ebeneezer 1983—Lars-Erik Nelson reports in-business convention. see caught are Jahbir and Alfonso miners are killed in Utah. and give him Ronald Reagan’s best 1987—Chrysler pleads no contest Scrooge exploited Bob Cratchit. that Ronald Reagan recently told 1997—Thanks to a new law, land- Fowle. 1946—The Viet Minh open hos- wishes. to charges it sold thousands of used 1969—Mormons reaffirm their an assembly of 300 real Medal of locked Montana becomes, for 2000—”If this were a dictatorship,” tilities against the French in Indo- 1968—U.S. officials put total of cars as new. exclusion of blacks on religious Honor recipients a concocted an- anonymous foreigners with over says George W. Bush on CNN, China. missing in Vietnam at over 300. 1986—Dick Rutan and Jeana grounds. ecdote about a non-existent Medal $200,000 to deposit, an “offshore” “it’d be a heck of a lot easier, just so 1941—Disgruntled ex-corporal 1960—The National Front for the Yeager take off in California to 1968—Richard Nixon announces recipient. Larry Speakes explains, banking center. long as I’m the dictator.” A. Hitler becomes Commander in Liberation of Vietnam is orga- fly around the world in nine days, a third round of troop withdrawals “If you tell the same story five 1996—The last-known eunuch in 1998—Censure of Bill Clinton isn’t Chief of German Army. nized. non-stop. from Vietnam. times, it’s true.” China, Sun Yaoting, dies. good enough for House Republi- 1910—Baltimore becomes first 1917—In Australia, a referendum 1973—Richard Nixon emerges 1967—A defect 2.5 mm deep 1965—Gen. Westmoreland asks 1996—Peruvian guerrillas crash a cans; they want impeachment. U.S. city with designated white and defeats a proposal to draft single from the White House to person- causes the 39 year-old Silver for 243,000 more men in Vietnam. party at the Japanese embassy in 1996—Kenyan students protest black residential areas. men. ally thank the U.S head of Rev. Bridge over the Ohio River to col- 1960—Two airliners collide over Lima, take hostages, and stay for the killing of a student the previous 1907—Coal mine explosion kills 1906—The U.S. Army authorizes Sun Myung Moons’s Unification lapse, killing 46. New York City, killing 134. four months. day. Police kill two more students. 239 in Jacobs Creek, Pa. “dog tags.” Church for his support. 1966—Walt Disney dies in Los 1944—Hitler overrules his gener- 1967—Australian Prime Minister 1996—G-Man Earl Pitts is arrest- 1832—Attempting to find his way 1871—Mark Twain writes, “I have 1972—Richard Nixon authorizes Angeles. Contrary to rumor, his re- als and mounts a massive attack in Harold Holt goes for a swim in ed for moonlighting for the KGB. home from a New Jersey tavern a higher and greater standard of air delivery of explosive Christmas mains are burned, not frozen. the Ardennes Forest. heavy surf and disappears. 1972—Pres. Nixon orders Line- during a snowstorm, poet and jour- principle [than George Washing- presents to Hanoi. 1965—U.S. drops 12 tons of bombs 1835—A two-day fire destroys 674 1960—An Air Force C-131 crash- backer II bombing campaign over nalist Philip Freneau dies at 80. ton, who] could not lie. I can lie but 1970—Shipyard workers strike on Haiphong. buildings in New York, bankrupt- es into a steeple in Munich, then Hanoi. 1200 Vietnamese civilians 1777—Washington’s army arrives I won’t.” against the Commie government 1953—James Kutcher, who lost ing insurance companies and kick- falls onto a trolley car, killing all 20 die, 70 airmen are killed or cap- at Valley Forge, PA. 1860—South Carolina legislature in Gdansk, Poland. both legs in WW II, is informed ing off the Depression of 1837. on the plane, 18 in the trolley, and tured. Nixon later calls this “my 1776—Thomas Paine’s first Ameri- dissolves the ties that bind. 1911—Roald Amundson beats his disability is being cut because 1811—Biggest quake in U.S. his- 11 more on the street. terrible personal ordeal.” can Crisis essay is published; “These 1835—The Cherokee are forced to Robert Scott to the South Pole. he belongs to the Socialist Work- tory hits New Madrid, MO. 1927—The U.S. sub S-4 collides 1946—Capt. Eddie Rickenbacker are the times that try men’s souls . cede their lands in Georgia. 1906—The U1, Germany’s first ers Party. 1773—“Sons of Liberty,” disguised with the destroyer Paulding off flies over Broadway scattering Da- . . ” 1786—Moments before her death submarine, goes into service. 1944—RIP Glenn Miller. as Mohawks and led by Sam Ad- Provincetown. All aboard the sub mon Runyon’s ashes. 1732—Benjamin Franklin pub- in RI, Hannah Omish, 12, thanks 1799—At Mount Vernon, George 1939—Barefoot trunk murderess ams, dump 342 chests of tea into perish. 1941—Outnumbered almost 10 lishes first Poor Richard’s Almanac. her executioner for his kindness. Washington dies surrounded by Winnie Ruth Judd is captured, 200 Boston Harbor. 1903—Orville Wright flies one to 1, U.S. forces lose Guam to the 1675—About 1,000 Puritans, seek- 1669—In the first jury trial in doctors. miles from the Arizona State Hos- 1620—“We could not now take of the first successful airplanes at Japanese. ing land, corn, and slaves, massacre Delaware, Marcus Jacobson is sen- 1774—Massachusetts militiamen pital for the Insane from which she time for further search or con- Kitty Hawk. The press miss it. 1917—Congress submits the 18th the hitherto fairly peaceful Nar- tenced to be flogged, branded, and under Major John Sullivan seize had escaped 12 days earlier. sideration,” says the Mayflower’s 1862—Gen. U.S. Grant orders Amendment to the states for their ragansetts in the “Great Swamp enslaved for insurrection. powder and arms from Fort Wil- 1791—Virginia ratifies the Bill of logbook, “our victuals being much all Jews expelled from Tennessee, approval. After it passes, Prohibi- Fight,” near the present-day Wake- 1606—The Virginia Company sets liam and Mary, near Portsmouth. Rights. spent, expecially our beer.” Mississippi, and Kentucky. tion begins. field, RI. out for the New World. 12:38 12:35 1:15 1:12 1:54 1:52 2:35 2:35 3:18 3:23 4:05 4:15 4:55 5:11

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