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ABSTRACT “ISOTOPE” by Alice Ladrick By referencing elements of the domestic and positioning the female body within that space, this thesis attempts to create non‐traditional, partially autobiographical narratives that delve into gendered representations of selfhood as well as women’s relationships with the world around them (including relationships to men, other women, etc.). The epistolary form of Dear Alice emphasizes the role of address in narration and the representation of the self through written text. This form draws attention to the relationship between author and speaker, speaker and reader, and author and reader, as well as to the artifice of intimacy that direct address can create. Meanwhile, Isotope and The love of my life is emotionally inept use pop culture references, punning, and inventive line breaks to address similar questions of intimacy and representations of female desire and sexuality. ISOTOPE A Thesis Submitted to the Faculty of Miami University in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Master of Arts Department of English by Alice E. Ladrick Miami University Oxford, Ohio 2012 Advisor: Cathy Wagner Reader: cris cheek Reader: Keith Tuma Table of Contents ISOTOPE 1 REPEATEDLY BENT OVER AT THE OFFICE 3 MY MOONING COULD BE IT, YOU GUYS. 4 THESE POEMS AREN’T MINE, I CONFESS THAT I STOLE 5 SMELLS OF THE DARK ROOM STAINED BY MY HANDS 6 AFTER FEELING VERY PROUD OF MAKING UP 7 THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WANT ME AND I KNOW IT. 8 I’VE BEEN SPLIT BEFORE BY WHERE 9 LET ME START OVER, SYLVIA, 10 I SAY A LOT OF THINGS WITH MY MOUTH, MAN 11 SOMETIMES THE ENDINGS ARE MORE LIKE JOKES TO THESE 12 WHEN I WROTE THIS I HAD DIARRHEA 13 AM I COMING TO? 13 EVERYBODY’S MOVING IN WITH THEIR BOYFRIEND AND I 14 IMAGINING MAGNETS IS NEVER AS COOL AS 15 TO HAVE AND TO HOLD I’LL NEED YOU 16 WHEN I SAY “HATERS TO THE 17 MY MALE PRONUNCIATION PRO 18 I THINK MY CAT MIGHT BE MY BEST FRIEND 19 I’LL START IN ON THAT 20 THEY SAY THE HORMONES WE EAT 21 THERE HAS TO BE A THIRD 22 COMMUNICATION INCREASES AS THE INTERNET 23 RESTART THIS TIME WITH THE COUNT OF CHILDHOOD 24 THE HD RADIO PLAYS TRICKS 25 THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS EMOTIONALLY INEPT 26 BACK IN THE BIG HOUSE WE HAVE CORNERS ON THE COUCH AND A SEAT IS MINE EVEN AFTER I LEAVE. A 27 OBVIOUSLY THERE IS FLUID MISSING IN THE RELATION 27 BETWEEN MAN AND WOMAN WHEN MAN IS TOO FAR 27 BABY BABY WHERE DID OUR LOVE GO? OH I NEED 27 THERE WERE TIMES WHEN I LOVED YOU SO BUT BABY 28 OR CRIPPLED MIGHT BE THE WORD WITH WHICH HE LEFT 28 NAME ME WHAT YOU WANT I WILL 28 MY UTERUS WANTS NONE OF THIS BUSINESS BUT TO SPLIT THE BEES 28 DEAR ALICE, 29 I GOT BORED WITH YOU AND GAVE YOU AWAY BUT NOW THAT I’M LIVING 30 I WATCHED A MOVIE ABOUT POLAR BEARS WHERE THE MOTHER LOST HER 31 WE TWO STRETCHING APART, BLOWN AS GLASS. PUSHING MY BREATH 32 MY SISTER PLURALIZED MY NAME AS THOUGH SHE KNEW THAT ONE 33 YOU’LL BE DISAPPOINTED WHEN I COME BACK. MY STOMACH IS FULL 34 ii ON THE FIRST NICE DAY THE SUN SETS ANYWAY AND I PICTURE YOU 35 WHEN I FOUND MY ASIAN FATHER IN THE GROCERY STORE MY ARMS 36 YOU’RE ASKING ME TO DIG UP LANDMINES ONE BY ONE. MY SENSE OF 37 MY SISTER HELD THE LITTLE PEOPLE IN HER FISTS AND I HELD PACIFIERS 38 THE CROCUS CAME AS THOUGH IT KNEW THE THREAT OF FROST. I WAS 39 THIS IS AMERICA, THERE IS NO RAINY SEASON. YOUR EYES HAVE BEEN 40 TOUCHING THE WORMS IS HARD WITHOUT SPLITTING THEM INTO TWO 41 ISN’T IT ENOUGH TO SHAVE THEIR HEADS BALD WITH SCISSORS OR DO I 42 IT’S HOT OUTSIDE AND THE GRASS IS TURNING BROWN. I DON’T KNOW 43 I COULD HAVE DIED YOU KNOW, YOU SAID AND MY HALF OF THE ROOM 44 REMEMBER HOW YOU PUSHED ME IN AND I SHOUTED AND I SAID I 45 I’M BROKEN WHERE LIVES COME FROM BUT THERE IS SOMETHING 46 PEOPLE START NESTING AS THEY GET OLDER, BUILDING LITTLE HOMES FOR 47 I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR FACE LOOKS WITHOUT TURNING INTO MINE. 48 YOU USED TO COME EVERY SUMMER BUT IT’S BEEN YEARS. I NEED YOU, 49 I HAVEN’T SHOWERED IN DAYS AND THE SALTINESS COMING OFF ME IS 50 TIMES AND TIMES AGAIN MULTIPLIED I CRIED ON MY FINGERS FOR THE 51 I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME IN A 52 THE PAPER SEALS THE VIOLETS IN AND THEIR DEPRAVITY IS FREE. I 53 iii Isotope 1 I had this whole thing written out about being a sock and having this foot inside you and stretching out and out and sweating all over it ended with wanting to be fergie and pissing myself on stage in concerts only you can totally see the urine running down her legs. The thing got scrapped because there wasn’t anything to it my friend reading about radiation poisoning when all the bad scientists died because they radiated themselves and disagreed with madame curie like all those dopes in phantom. I’d rather paint my nails than be here. The physical gains are collecting at a rate of 1% a month. Multiplication leads to answering machines. They asked me to take my bra off for the x‐ray my back to them and to the side, breasts propped on a forearm then dangling hardly romantic. 2 Repeatedly bent over at the office they found the spine to bend to the right where it would knock hard on the ribs just so sweetly leaving to rub against my tailbone. My walk is crooked for reasons not to be shared during confessions through cracked doors. My bloomers served me well when I knew dying early is a thing for movies or if you have a white lighter in your pocket when you’re twenty‐seven. I’m wrong‐ handed except for the times I could do both, obviously not at once unless in multiples of two, but that’s not okay at school. Ending sentences like lines is easy until you sneeze. The generic blue seems less so then. Round‐ headed so much like a circle, she said I was round. 3 My mooning could be it, you guys. The process of howling could take months at the end of this phase so hurry the fuck up. (Sure that language is an excuse, though I got on well with an ass like that. The only girl I knew named Jenny was a bitch with a tattoo that looked like marijuana behind a vagina.) You can say Georgia O’ Queef again, it made my dad laugh. (Anyway the tattoo was on this girl’s thigh just so when she got fat so did her vagina.) I wonder how many times I can make it so that people leave when I say vagina. Really it’s just a place to store things like tampons and the future of huge manatees. Alright I’m joking but it really does sound like humanity. On my face your hands, webbed. 4 These poems aren’t mine, I confess that I stole them from the internet. Is everyone happy? Should I keep it? When I told everyone it was hard to be brilliant even though I know that really nobody is supposed to call me out because I won’t answer anyway. What good is golden hair if strangers don’t come up and tell me I’m made of flax and straw like ‘little dolly I could burn you but my white lighter’s all out of fluid.’ That sounds like a gross inyourendo and there I’ve done it. Alienate the audience with your sexuality. Again I find somebody looking into me, scoping my pelvis for anything tractable and deserving of a beating or bearing. My dream about the little fetus that I threw down the toilet. 5 Smells of the dark room stained by my hands I didn’t know were awake even when they pushed me out of bed. It was all mine anyway until I got there, some more purple than others in the hallways. Yes it was very specific when I lit it up in the attic though it may not have been real. There’s a question of how I walked having played in the mens’ room several times a week. If you’re thinking about the Rosenberg’s you’re on the right track with me the way she thought about getting vodka straight. Oh, signing is alright but I’d prefer the museum part of your hair drifting onto my fingers; brush it behind my ear for me as a new favor sweet and crippled by electronicity. Heat is expensive in this climate. In trying to make their own lives accumulate the poison showed up only on the plates. 6 After feeling very proud of making up this form I decided not to google it to keep my originality full of itself and rising so it hits the point where the reactors can’t stop the heat from getting out of control. That’s total bullshit and I know it, but radiate it all over Japan. Monkeys testing themselves while wearing necklaces can be problematic because they can get caught on things or submit incorrect readings from the machines around their necks.

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