October 29, 2008 #968
The President Erect Oh, Lord, let this cover be accurate come Erection... er, Election Day! inSIDE Impalin’ Palin with Around the World in 100 Pretzel Logic. Drag Queens at Sidetrack. page 16 page 8, 25
out in the stars by Charlene Lichtenstein Get on the campaign trail as little pieces. slid by on oily charm may have this presidential November a second chance to prove gets underway. Lucky Jupiter LEO (JULY 24 - AUG. 23) themselves. By the end of the trines stern Saturn and gives Proud Lions want to slim down month you could be the main us an extra vote that insures for the holidays. Strike while corporate flavor. Let’s hope it our success. So don’t sit on the spirit and flesh are willing. is not roasted turkey. October 29, 2008 your stump. Get Out and At the same time you find #968 vote... twice! ingenious ways to enjoy life CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 - JAN. and lust to the fullest without 20) Pink Caps need a bit of cover ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL the extra calories. As you well zest and can put the zip back 20) Your great ideas hit their know, sugar is better spread into their current life course KRIS mark. Say what’s on your than eaten. or find even greener pastures photos by Kirk mind to both superiors and to explore. Viva la difference; subordinates. (Be diplomatic...) VIRGO (AUG. 24 - SEPT. Not only can you discover new INDEX Soon you forget the day to 23) Queer Virgins may have things about yourself, you can THAT GUY day grind and concentrate on trouble focusing on one topic also find some new and excit- 6 the bigger picture—yes, long for an extended period, but ing travel mates. THE DJ, THE MUSIC lunches and afternoon naps on who cares? The idea is to ac- & YOU your office couch. cumulate all sorts of seemingly AQUARIUS (JAN. 21 - FEB. 12 useless and frivolous ideas. 19) Paging Dr. Freud: What PRETZEL LOGIC TAURUS (APRIL 21 - MAY You will be amazed at how you is it that is holding you back 16 21) Queer Bulls unleash build on snippets and create a from true affirmation and hap- MARRS ATTACKS! their gay muse and create a master plan. piness? By Thanksgiving you’ll 24-25 masterpiece. Don’t fritter this tire of staring into your navel DATELAND energy on party pranks and LIBRA (SEPT. 24 - OCT. 23) and seek to stare into some- 28 cheap thrills. Later all those Be politic if you can around one elses navel. Of course, as INTERMISSION artistic ideas evaporate and family. Anything you let Freud said, sometimes a navel 32-33 you’ll become just another cog drop will create a sinkhole... is just an orange. CALENDAR in the corporate wheel. Axle or stinkhole. Secrets are 38-39 grease anyone? exposed. But this may not be PISCES (FEB. 20 - MARCH WHERE MY BAR AT? a bad thing. Oftentimes vulner- 40 20) Guppies are more focused WHAT’S UP? GEMINI (MAY 22 - JUNE 21) ability is attractive and sexy. I than usual on partnerships. 42-43 Problems from the past bubble guess you will find out if this is Put your cards on the table FROM THE BOOTH under the surface and need one of those times. and see the points add up. 44 to be expressed before they By Thanksgiving you can erupt. Good; pink Twins can do SCORPIO (OCT. 24 - NOV. lustily trump your partners ace what they need to do to pave 22) Queer Scorps feel like a and win the trick. (Don’t be a over disagreements and live chameleon trying on different dummy; I suggest that some life to the fullest. Don’t kowtow personal styles to see which Fish should go for the rubber.) to anyone. (Ha! As if you ever one fits. Take several tries could!) before the lavender you (c) 2008 THE STARRY EYE, LLC., All emerges. In the meantime, Rights Reserved. For Entertainment Purposes Only. CANCER (JUNE 22 - JULY seek affirming social groups 23) Do the necessary fiscal but don’t go for consensus. Can’t get enough? Join the blog: research, focus your thoughts Test the limits to get a true thestarryeye.typepad.com/queer and create a compelling read. Lichtenstein’s “HerScopes: A Guide strategy. Gay Crabs angle for To Astrology For Lesbians” is an a cushy financial pillow. Take SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 - international sensation and has just time to study the small print and DEC. 22) Gay Archers who “come out” in its 6th printing. Buy it fit the puzzle together later in have been working hard will and feel the vibration. the month. First collect all the reap rewards. Those who have
DOWNload: www.WindyCityMediaGroup.com
October 29, 2008 #968 PUBLISHER Tracy Baim ASSISTANT PUBLISHER Terri Klinsky Managing Editor Kirk Williamson Photography Mel Ferrand, Kat Fitzgerald, DJ Greg Haus, Kirk, Kizzy, Ryan Kolodziej, Steve Starr CAST OF CHARACTERS Andrew Davis, DJ Res-5, graysong, Michael Hampton, Joan Jett- Blakk, Charlene Lichtenstein, David J. Magdziarz, Homer Marrs, Jennifer Parello, Randy Pubert ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVES Terri Klinsky, Suzanne Kraus, Kirk Williamson, Kathleen Ulm, Amy Matheny, Jerry Nunn, Cynthia Holmes, Terry Wiegel, Shawn Murray NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE RIVENDELL MEDIA (212) 242-6863 Promotions Kathleen Ulm DIRECTOR OF NEW MEDIA Jean Albright Office Cynthia Holmes Calendar Editor Amy Wooten
Copyright 2008 Windy City Media Group/Lambda Publications Inc. All rights reserved. Reprint by permission only. Back issues available for $3 per issue (postage included). Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and photographs submitted if they are to be returned, and no responsibility may be assumed for unsolicited materials. All rights to letters, art and photos sent to Nightspots/Windy City Times will be treated as unconditionally assigned for publication purposes and as such, subject to editing and comment. The opinions expressed by the columnists, cartoonists, letter writers, and commentators are their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of Nightspots/Windy CityTimes. Publication of the name, photograph, or likeness of a person or organization in articles or advertising in Nightspots/Windy City Times is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such person or organization. While we encourage readers to support the advertisers who make this newspaper possible, Nightspots/Windy City Times cannot accept responsibility for advertising claims.
The President Erect nightspots 5315 N. Clark St. #192, Chicago, IL 60640 Oh, Lord, let this cover be accurate come erection... er, election day! 773.871.7610, fax 773.871.7609 www.WindyCityMediaGroup.com inSIDE [email protected] Impalin’ Palin with Around the World in 100 Pretzel Logic. Drag Queens at Sidetrack. page 16 page 8, 25 DOWNload: www.WindyCityMediaGroup.com that guy by Kirk Williamson
Night of 100 Drag Queens... and $18,000! Yes, that’s how much money Sidetrack raised for Equality IL with the 16th annual Night of 100 Drag Queens - Around the World In 100 Drag Queens. Teri Yaki claims to have toned it down for this high-tone show, but you know every word out of that skanky hole was “fuck” and “bitch” and C’mon, I had to! Look at him! “shit.” Hey, it helped bring in $18,000 bucks, so methinks I’ve had this week’s exact cover it wasn’t a problem. in mind since March. Luckily, Kris is a good sport. We’ll just Un applauso to all the folks who worked very hard donat- have to wait and see if a copy ing their time and efforts for this great cause! of this issue makes its way to the Obama camp. Here’s hop- ing we elect a president with a sense of humor (and a killer smile)!
And if you don’t vote this year, don’t ever, EVER talk to me again. You don’t deserve my carbon dioxide.
As if ABC’s The View didn’t provide enough comedy on its own steam, now we have The Spew, playing every Sunday through November 16 at Comedy Sportz, 929 W. Belmont Ave. (in the old Ann Sather’s building).
The girls (and yes, they are all women-born-women playing the roles) stay timely and still manage to snatch a wig or two in the process. You’ll spew your reasonably priced beer, I guarantee.
Check out the antics of Babette, Whoopsi, Gay and What’s-Her-Name at The Spew. To bring The Spew to you, contact Liz Cloud at 847-421-5173 or liz@grosshan- 6 dler.com October 29, 2008 “They’re heeeeere!”
All good children go up to the mic.
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for booking and hiring info: 773-539-5925 or [email protected] Drag droppings at Night of 100 Drag Queens at Sidetrack photo by Kirk
8 October 29, 2008 Wednesday Speakeasy Wednesdays DJ Rene Romero, $4 Well pints, $5 Stoli drinks, $5 Jamesons, NO COVER! Thursday Tom & Jared’s Frathouse Thursday Wii, 40 oz. beer specials, 32 oz. mini-pitchers of Long Islands, snacks Friday FridayAfter Work Party DJ Scott Brandon & Nick Marquette Saturday All the Way From the UK DJ Veritas until 3 a.m. Sunday Scarlet Sundays - The First Ward Ball Come to THE place to party on Halsted St. Hosted bar from 5-6 p.m., $6 Effen specials, $100 Effen bottles Monday Filmmakers’ Lounge followed by... Hosted by Playground Theater’s Sarcastic Squad Jeff’s RED Wednesdays 8-10 p.m., $5 well, $7 Stoli cosmos $3 Long Islands, $2 Wells and $3 Buds/Bud Lights and no cover. Private Party Room Available – Birthdays, Events or Parties. Ask Dusty for details Wear something red and [email protected] win a Friday After-Work Party!
3320 North Halsted • Chicago 773.348.1053 Perpetually indulging (as always) at Jackhammer photos by Kirk
Sexy style, sexy-style at Halsted’s photos by Kirk
What the
Bucks photos by Kirk
10 October 29, 2008
the dj, the music and you by Res-5 Where My Girls At?: Another divalicious column
Wow, so right after press time last week, my inbox blew up with new music. There are two new Beyoncé tracks on MySpace music, with videos for both. I am truly lov- ing “If I Were A Boy.” The song and video are both well Art of Gold - from the Bret Grafton/Matt Lew art executed and loveable. Beyoncé, where have you been exhibition at Spacio. all summer? Oh, I guess I should mention the other song photos by Steve Starr, SteveStarrStudios.com “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” sounds like it could have been lifted from Solange’s clunker... err, breakthrough sopho- more release. Now, I can’t say baby Beyonce’s (Solange’s) album was all bad. The remixes to “Sandcastle Disco” are pretty good from what I have heard so far from DJ Escape and Lost Daze.
Another one of Destiny’s Child-ren is hitting hard with remixes to two new tracks moving right now. Michelle Williams has remixes to both “Hello Heartbreak” (a personal favorite in original form) and “The Greatest” currently circulating. Of course more DJs will likely lean toward “The Greatest,” as they are being served remixes of the track through Promo Only right now, on top of the promo single line-up containing remixes of the track from Mr. Mig, Jason Nevins and Maurice Joshua.
Christina Aguilera’s and Britney The Spears’ previously covered sin- gles have remixes now. Bimbo Cafe Jones, Tom Neville and others 1029 W. 35th St. have turned in some remixes Chicago, IL 60609 in the for “Keeps Gettin’ Better,” but Zhou B Art Center I am still loving the bootleg by Josué Escobedo as my mix of choice. “Womanizer” already has too many mixes to keep track of, but I am loving Tommie Sunshine’s re-rub.
Last word is on Brandy! The label is really trying with “Right Here (Departed)”; there are remixes now.
Check me out Fridays at Crew for the best in current and classic music videos. Look for the Res-5 page on Facebook to get my new DJ mix.
12 October 29, 2008
Sexy so-and-sos at Cocktail photos by DJ Res-5
Threesomes at Star Gaze photos by Pubert
Take a shot at Hunters photos by Kirk
14 October 29, 2008 HALL -O- WEEN AT ENCOMPASS FRIDAY OCTOBER 31
$1000 IN CASH AND PRIZES Judging at 1 am
2415 Rush St., Lake Station, IN (35 min. SE of Chicago) 219-962-4640 encompassnightclub.com 16 October 29, 2008 pretzel logic by David Magdziarz Sarah Get standard feature. the “realsuckingaction”isa blow-up KarenWalker doll– Specifically, shelookslikea Will And Graceless inflatable sextoy. reminded meofananimated, looking features,isthatshe wound hairdoandherplastic- her weird,slightlytrashy, tightly my firstimpressionofher, with Sarah Palinissupposedtobe, press abouthowgood-looking For allthetalkinstraight She’s A RealDoll with, too)? she’s beenhangingaround Palin (andthatcrankyoldguy a PretzelLogiclookatSarah week’s columnisgonnabe Whatcha wannabetthatthis is athttp://www.youtube.com/ Palin praising BarackObama A videoofapre-VP pickSarah Men Sarah Palin’s GoodTaste In pitchforks. commemorative torchesand start sellingMcCain/Palin2008 ficial campaign Web siteshould Palin appearances, McCain’s of- at JohnMcCainand/orSarah the mentionofBarackObama as “terrorist”and“killhim”at are nowyellingthingssuch Since McCain’s supporters His LastNameTo “Lynch” John McCainShouldChange Half-Baked Alaska. coming outwithanewdessert: In honorofSarahPalin,they’re She’s SoSweet! than not? To-Spell-Potato lookmoreoften had thatDan-Quayle-Trying- views, “didja”noticethatPalin In herdisastrous TV newsinter - Mrs. “Potatoe”Head Your Gun.” lead inarevivalof“AnnieGet like shewasauditioningforthe you betchas,etc.,thatitwas VP debatewithherdontcha’s, Palin wassooverlyfolksyinthe Y ourself Gone town --that wasanon-partisan the jobas a mayorofsmall an AIP memberbeforeshegot vice-chair statedthat Palin“was conventionthe year’s AIP’s Republican since1982. At this that Palinwasaregistered voter registrationcardsshowing ment. The McCaincamphas later retractedthatstate- a memberofthegroup,but that SarahPalinhadbeen The AIP’s chairwomanstated What About 1981? feature=related com/watch?v=sVUNFBFFZhQ& AIP, seehttp://www.youtube. as Sarah’s “Sarah-nade”tothe of JoeVogler’s rhetoric,aswell God blessyou.”Foranexample “Keep upthegoodworkand with herclosingthoughtbeing AIP’s conventionviaavideo of thisyearsheaddressedthe their conventions,andinMarch one (andmaybeuptothree)of Sarah Palinattendedatleast and hascursedtheUSflag. hatred oftheUSgovernment, Joe Vogler, hasexpressed from theUS,anditsfounder, advocating Alaska’s secession 2002. The AIP isaradicalgroup dependence Partyfrom1995to tered memberofthe Alaska In- Palin’s husbandwasaregis- Sarah’s Ties Are Palin’ ComparedTo Obama’s SupposedTerrorist vox06.article letters/1203805,CST-EDT- com/news/commentary/ go tohttp://www.suntimes. two centsabouttheVP debate, Times, inwhichIprovidemy edition oftheChicagoSun- the Monday, October6,2008 written bymeandpublishedin To readalettertotheeditor Sign O’ The(Sun)Times and replied“Depends.” A: Heshruggedhisshoulders briefs?” when hewasasked“Boxersor Q: WhatdidJohnMcCainsay Ol’ Dependable watch?v=Ws4Tl3vHryQ Don’t beshady!Getdownwiththeladiesat [email protected]. just e-mailmeatPretzelLogic - To jointheSarah Palinfanclub and talksatthesametime! Sarah Palinactuallychewsgum related foraninterviewwhere atch?v=C4Yexjyf4Qs&feature= See http://www.youtube.com/w Sarah Palin,Overachiever group’s conventioneither. attended noraddressedsucha Iran, andBarackObamanever groups thatpartneredwith any virulentanti-American Michele Obamaneverjoined Republicans I GuessThey Aren’t Good his anti-Americanharangue.” government ofIrantosponsor secessionist hadpersuadedthe Alaska’s freedom. The Alaska the entireworldandtodemand United States’ ‘tyranny’ before United Nationstodenounce states) “hewastospeakatthe shortly before(asSalon.com trying tobuyplasticexplosives a fellowsecessionistwhile Joe Vogler wasmurderedby Bomb, BombIran” To “Bomb,Bomb, Tehran WhenMcCainDecides I HopeThePalin’s Aren’t In Vogler.’ ” … shesoundsjustlikeJoe gal. ‘She’s Alaskan tothebone that SarahPalinisherkindof Talbot, ofSalon.com]recently woman Lynette Clarktold[David palins_unamerican/ “AIP chair - com/opinion/feature/2008/10/07/ According tohttp://www.salon. Aping The AIP members-of-frin.html com/politicalpunch/2008/09/ See: http://blogs.abcnews. to herformermembership.” and isprettywellsympathetic an 80percentapprovalrating, into that.Shealsohadabout their ethics,andwell,Iwon’tgo had allkindsofproblemswith the Republican Party, where she along –sheeventuallyjoined job. Butyougetalongtogo photos by Alexandra Klimczak Slip on a mask and come to the ball ...
Saturday November 1, 2008
DJ Dave Roberts & Kristine invite you to Planet Earth’s New Wave Masquerade Ball!
Chicago’s most popular New Wave dance party — since 1994
at Subterranean • 2011 W. North Avenue • Chicago Buy tickets online at www.subt.net • $8 advance / $12 at the door Doors open at 10pm • 21+ • Visit us at www.planetearthchicago.com
photos by Alexandra Klimczak Peacin’ out at Hydrate photos by DJ Res-5
Double delights at @mosphere photos by Pubert
Doin’ it all for volleyball at Cell Block photos by Kirk
18 October 29, 2008 photos by Pubert
The boo-tiful people at First Ward Ball - Haunted Bingo at Scarlet photos by Kirk
The Closet’s 6th Annual Meow Mixer a benefit for Tree House Animal Foundation Thu. October 30 Raffles prizes giveaways Party starts at 7 p.m., Karaoke at 9:30 p.m. Bring in an item from their Wish List or make a cash donation. All proceeds go to Tree House no-kill, cage-free cat shelter and their food pantry for dogs and cats. Kitty make-up and costumes encouraged! 3325 N. Broadway (773) 477-8533 New winter hours: www.myspace.com/theclosetbar Open at 5 p.m. Mon. - Fri.
My Name Is Thorn
My name is Thorn. Damien I’m not sure yet. (Man, that ready it for my dominance.” Thorn. I am the Antichrist. book is weird! I wonder if there’s a Cliff’s Notes.) I thought it sounded funny, And I’m a homosexual. but who am I to argue with We watched the movie pretty The Desolate One? I awoke I’m not sure what I should late so Jamie, Scot Goodhart pretty quickly and took a start with first. I feel like I’ve and Geoff with a “G” all fell few deep breaths to take
by Homer Marrs got a lot on my plate for a asleep halfway through. I in what’d just happened. I fourteen-year-old. Granted, see now how that was all looked at Jamie, Scot, and I’m no ordinary fourteen- part of Lucifer’s plan for me Geoff with a “G” and thought year-old, in fact my age may so we could have quality about kissing them all. I be irrelevant because I’ve father/son time. I stayed up paused a minute because been foretold by prophe- until The Omen ended, and Geoff is pretty dorky-looking cies eternal, but everyone then I fell asleep, and then until I remembered Satan thinks I’m fourteen. Except the vision came. It was The telling me I could skip him marrs attacks my step-dad, Rick (the Prince of Darkness, but he if I wanted. Then I thought, Dick), who treats me like wasn’t scary or anything. “Hell, if I’m the Antichrist, I’d I’m six. I’m so glad I’m the He kind of looked like Liev better get a move on! I’ve manifestation of an ancient Schreiber with his shirt off. got a world to unite.” evil and not that dickhead’s actual son. “Alan, my son. Alan McAlis- I leaned over and kissed Ja- ter, I have chosen you,” said mie on the lips. I think I was I suppose I should explain Mephistopheles. “I arranged too excited at discovering my the whole Antichrist thing, this night for a reason: to tell enormous destiny because by which I mean my destiny, you who you truly are. You I kissed him pretty fast and first. They say the Lord are Damien Thorn, Alan. You bumped his head when I works in mysterious ways, are the Antichrist.” did it, which woke him up. but I’ve come to realize Then he had to make a big the Devil works in even Here I would have said scene about it. “Alan! What mysterious-er ones. I don’t something but I was both the Hell, man?! Did you just question him, since he did speechless and chained to a kiss me? Scot, Geoff, wake choose me as the vessel of wall in my dream. Also I had up! Alan tried to kiss me on his incarnation, but I admit on a muzzle (my dreams are the lips!” his method of revealing my weird). Being in conversation true identity to me was a little with a supreme evil is kind of I went home after that. I weird and embarrassing. intimidating, especially when can’t wait ’til I rule the world he looks like Liev Schreiber and trick shitheads like It happened two weeks ago with his shirt off. Jamie into thinking I have at Jamie Newland’s slee- any intention other than pover. We were watching “I arranged this night for a to thrust their whiny souls horror movies and Jamie’s reason, Damien. Your friends into Hell, where—surprise, dad said we should watch are my gift to you. You must surprise—I’ll also rule. He’s The Omen. I think now kiss them each on the lips, so screwed. I’m never giving Jamie’s dad might be my except Geoff with a ‘G’ if you back his Beck CD. False Prophet, but I haven’t don’t want to. You must do finished reading the Book of this for me, my son. Then I’m still learning to accept my Revelations all the way so you will unite the world and heritage, but it gets easier
24 October 29, 2008 every day. Like in gym class last Friday when I tripped over the obstacle bar on the track field and fell down and broke my glasses, I thought, “Man, who cares about this earthly crap? I’m the Antichrist! I can trip over the obstacle bar if I want to. They can laugh all they want. Mortals.”
Now there’s also the issue of my gayness. I guess I’ve known about this all along, like I’ve always known I wasn’t Rick the Dick’s real son and that an unholy destiny awaited me. But first is the question of if I should tell people. It’s kind of hard, because on one hand I don’t want people to treat me differently for being queer, but at the same time I know I’m going to lead these foolish humans “from out of the east” after I “rise from the eternal sea,” so who cares? The dawn of the Armageddon has to be bigger than who I sleep with, right?
I guess I’ll have to sit on it awhile. My dad, The Morning Star, will come to me again soon, and What a trip! Around the World in 100 Drag Queens for Equality IL at then I’ll get it straightened photos by Kirk out. Maybe in my dream Sidetrack tonight. Maybe as a young Kiefer Sutherland, with his shirt off.
25 October 29, 2008 A hell of a party at photos by Kat Fitzgerald, Chix Mix mysticimagesphotography.com
Flowers in the Mary’s Attic photos by Pubert
Out of the blue at Circuit photos by DJ Res-5
26 October 29, 2008 A hell of a party at 28 October 29, 2008 dateland by Jennifer Parello I feltapresencebeforeme. Just asIsecureditinplace, working mybottomtowel. removed mytopandI’m locker room,andI’vealready So, thismorning,I’minthe barely know. ing feveredemailstopeopleI one willeverpatentandwrit- creating inventionsthatno to stayupintotheweehours me inweirdways,causing me introuble.Itseepsoutof don’t keepitincheckgets lot ofmanicenergyandifI off excessenergy. Ihavea to stayinshapebutburn an houraday, notsomuch out hard.Iworkoutforover nearly everyday. And Iwork not oneofthem.Iworkout regular exerciseroutineis them! Butneglectingmy a lotofbadhabits. A lotof First, alittlebackstory. Ihave my gym. morning inthelockerroomof I foundmyselfdoingthis And, yet,that’s exactlywhat naked. from acharacterassaultwhile never havetodefendyourself Above all,though,youshould matter). any otherhotliquidforthat action. Servehigh-tea(or of gettingmangledinthe free-flying breastsstandrisk or anyothersportwhereyour Play golf,volleyball,tennis, a heavyobject,forexample. while naked.Benddowntolift you shouldn’tbeaskedtodo There arecertainthingsthat Spanx me insulted whilenakedthatgot was somethingaboutbeing I agreewiththem.Butthere an idiot,Iletitgo.Basically, Usually, whenpeoplecall me in disgustandlumberedaway. otic column. Then shehuffed She wasreferringtothisidi- she continued. Yes, readers! “You writethatidioticcolumn,” further. them withoutexposingmyself no dignifiedwaytoreachfor the lady’s feet. There was ably atmytowelsthatlay chest. Ilookeddownmiser- at mynowveryvulnerable shoving anaccusatoryfinger “I knowyou,”theladysaid, alarmingly purplishhue. causing fattobubbleinan was cuttingintoherthighs, overweight, andthethong at mewasabout50pounds woman staringmenacingly ally looksgoodinthem. The percent ofthepopulationactu- thing isthatonlyabout0.5 uncomfortable? The worst wholly impractical,aren’tthey get them.Besidesbeing A wordaboutthongs.Idon’t to coverherprivatearea. that wasstretchingheroically was nakedexpectforathong of mewasratherlarge.She The womanstandinginfront unfurled andfelltothefloor. as ananchor, thetoptowel the bottomtowelserving I droppedthetowel.Without flesh thatsostartledme glanced upandfacedawallof Books, andon Amazon. Children First,Unabridged buy DatelandatWomen and Hey, Iwroteabook! You can thin towels. my breastscontainedbythe muster whilewrestlingtokeep ard, butitwasthebestIcould Okay, notexactlyNoelCow - of Spanx.” trading thatthinginforapair “You reallyshouldconsider at hersadthong,andsaid, lady whoinsultedme,pointed Then Imarchedovertothe around mewithpurpose. the floorandwrappedthem So, Igrabbedmytowelsfrom to lingerie,Itakenotice. anything remotelyconnected that DianeSawyerdiscusses undergarments, butanytime tion toastoryaboutrubber wouldn’t havepaidanyatten- modern girdle.Normally, I invented Spanx,asortof interviewing theladywho which featuredDianeSawyer ing GoodMorning America, was workingout,Iwatch- idiot. Luckily, though,whileI hard forme,becauseIaman a clevercomeback,whichis I struggledtocomeupwith on abra. boudoir, Iimmediatelystrap argument breaksoutinthe from aromanticpartner. Ifan even somethingI’dputupwith my bloodboiling. That’s not Friday, October 31 WATCH THE PARADE on our screens from 7pm
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Touché photos by Kirk
Intermission 2.0 PSME JEF 8FJSE 0111010101110101011010101101011010101101010101011101010101110by graysong Cute Fix O’ the week upsidedowndogs.com
OK, I have shoved LOLcats and CuteOverload on the doglovers among you plenty of times in the past, so here’s a site just for them. The premise is simple: you know how Fido likes to lie on his back and look at you upside-down? Well, snap a pic and then flip it so he’s right-side-up. The things that gravity can do to droopy dog face parts are pretty damn amusing.
De leg bone’s connected to the rib? Bone! kumhianao.com/quirky-news/hilarity-ensue/creative- kfc-art Art can be found anywhere, even in the leavings on your KFC plate. This blog features a series of pictures of “artwork” created from picked-clean KFC bones. Sure, Mom told you not to play with your food, but creating art isn’t exactly playing now is it? I particularly like the slam dunkin’ bone Colonel.
Onward Christian Nymphos christiannymphos.org A Web site (and a Facebook group and a MySpace page) devoted to women who really like to fuck—their husbands. It has nice little sections maintaining that good Christian girls can go backdoor, and that the oral thing is A-OK with the J-Bird as well. I particularly enjoyed the blog sections with helpful tips about how to get the man-goo down. One tip: dump a cup of your favorite yogurt on your hubbie’s cock and the yummy down on it. When he splooges, the yogurt will mask the cum flavor. Christ, no wonder straight men hang out in restrooms looking for blowjobs.
Literally Speaking www.funnyordie.com/videos/e062d7b4d5 Dust Films first came to my attention a few weeks back with this video, The Literal “Take On Me.” The schtick is to play the original video but redub the song so that it literally describes what is happening on screen. I promise, it’s way more amusing than it sounds. Now, the folks at Funny or Die are also hosting the sequel, The Literal “Something Happened.” Clearly, Dust Films is ‘80s-obsessed. I wonder if they are working on a literal version of Rio, Thriller, or anything by the J. Geils Band. 0111010101110101011010101101011010101101010101011101010101110 32 October 29, 2008
October 29, 2008 29, October 33
Through the leaves, lightly over the pool tables at Spin.
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MALE DANCERS EVERY TUESDAY, THURSDAY, FRIDAY AND SATURDAY EVERY DAY IN NOVEMBER $2.50 WELL MIXED DRINKS $2.50 DOMESTIC BOTTLES OF BEER $5 16 oz. LONG ISLANDS (ANY FLAVOR)
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MILLIONDOLLARQUARTETLIVE.COM ★ DISCOUNTS FOR GROUPS! CALL GROUP THEATER TIX AT (312) 423-6612 K?<LE@M =\Xkli`e^1=89,=I<;;P#PFBFFEF# ALE@FIM8JHL Wednesday, Oct. 29 Keynote speaker: Denyce Roscoe, free registration Berlin Madonnarama with DJ Scot’s Scaryoke, 8 p.m. - mid- Graves. McCormick Place, 5:30 p.m. at Spin (800 W. Riley York, 954 W. Belmont night, 1840 W. Montrose info at www.cfw.org Belmont), www.lakeviewciti- Ave., 773-348-4975 Ave. Circuit Halloween party, zens.org/halloween.asp Chicago Humanities Festival Uncommon Ground 4 $2500 in cash and prizes Touché Perverted Hallow- Mark, Doty, Achy Obejas: Women Only series. Each for best costume contest, een, treats, tricks and raffle Queer Lyrics. 3:30 p.m., $5, Wednesday, four female doors open at 8, $6, $3 for prizes, 6406 N. Clark St., Harold Washington Library performers showcase their members, 3641 N. Halsted touchechicago.com Center Cindy Pritzker Audi- talents. 9 p.m., 1401 W. De- St., circuitclub.com Man’s Country Sean Paul, torium, 400 S. State St. von, 773-465-9801 Congregation Or Chadash Giorgio & Luciano, 5017 N. Touché 31st Anniversary beer Women and Children First Shabbat Services every Clark St. bust, 50¢ Bud drafts, food Bookstore Reading of So Friday at Chicago’s GLBT Touché Perverted Hallow- and raffles, 5 p.m., 6406 N. Many Ways to Sleep Badly synagogue. 8 p.m., 5959 een, treats, tricks and raffle Clark St., touchechicago. by Mattilda Bernstein Syca- N. Sheridan Rd. (Emanuel prizes, 6406 N. Clark St., com more. 7:30 p.m., 5233 N. Congregation building), touchechicago.com Windy City Cowboys World Clark St., www.womenand- 773-271-2148 or office@ Velvet Rope Costume contest premiere of Cowboy Love childrenfirst.com OrChadash.org. See www. with $400 first place prize, Story (which they will OrChadash.org for details Scaryoke with DJ Luis, 728 perform Nov. 8 at a San Thursday, Oct. 30 and other programs. W. Lake St., Oak Park, IL, Francisco country-western The Closet 6th Annual Meow Berlin Devil Bunnies: Wax 708-358-8840 dance convention). 3 p.m., Mixer, to benefit Tree House Trax Halloween showcase, River Park Auditorium, 5100 Animal Shelter, raffles, 9:30 p.m. - 1:30 a.m., fol- Saturday, Nov. 1 N. Francisco Ave., www. prizes, giveaways, bring lowed by Cosmix with DJ Bottom Lounge Bitch + windycitycowboys.com in an item from their wish Greg Haus, 954 W. Belmont The Exciting Conclusion Windy City Gay Naturists list or cash donation, kitty Ave., 773-348-4975 performs with Girl in a “Members only” M2M Mas- make-up and costumes en- Crew Rocky Horror Hallow- Coma. 8 p.m., 1375 W. sage. No fee. Limited to couraged, 7 p.m., karaoke een, costume contest at 11 Lake St., 312-666-6775 or nine men. 5:30 p.m., BYOT, starts 9:30 p.m., 3325 N. p.m., special raffles prizes 866-468-3401, see www. RSVP 312-494-2654 Broadway, 773-477-8533 for those in Rocky Horror- bitchmusic.com Jeffery Pub Halloween, the themed costumes, 4804 N. Chicago Lesbian Brunch Monday, Nov. 3 pre-party. Door prizes, drink Broadway, worldsgreatest- Group Fall Hike at Starved Uncommon Ground Dylan specials, live entertainment. bar.com Rock State Park. 10:30 Rice (with Dave Mendez) Halloween show hosted by Encompass Halloween cos- a.m., Visitor Center at and Levi Kreis perform. 9 Ms. Nava’a. Showtime 12 tume contest, $1000 in SR-71 & Illinois Route 178 p.m. (Kreis), 10 p.m. (Dylan a.m., $5, 7041 S. Jeffery cash and prizes, judging at in Oglesby, Ill., pphd1226@ Rice), $10 suggested dona- Blvd. 1 a.m., 2415 Rush St., Lake yahoo.com, http://gaypros. tion, 1401 W. Devon Ave., Women and Children First Station, IN, emcompass- meetup.com/283 www.uncommonground. Bookstore Reading of Na- nightclub.com Hydrate Artist of the month: com ture Ethics: An Ecofeminist Hunters Under the Big Top, Hydrate staff, reception from Perspective by Marti Kheel. costume contest with over 9-11 p.m., $10 donation to Tuesday, Nov. 4 7:30 p.m., 5233 N. Clark St., $2000 in cash and prizes, TPAN, 3458 N. Halsted St., Crew Watch the election re- www.womenandchildren- DJ Lawrence K, 10:30 hydratechicago.com sults on our big screens, first.com p.m., 1932 E. Higgins Man’s Country Dustin, Lon- 4804 N. Broadway, worlds- Rd., Elk Grove Village, IL, don & Angel, 5017 N. Clark greatestbar.com Friday, Oct. 31 847-433-8840 St. Sidetrack Watch The Vote 3160 JJ and the Glamour Jackhammer Welcome to Planet Earth New Wave Mas- from 6-9 p.m., 3349 N. Hal- Ghouls Revue, featuring JJ Hell night, costume contest querade Ball, DJ Dave Rob- sted St., sidetrackchicago. Lasalle, Vera Storm, Nicole at midnight with hundreds erts, 10 p.m., $8 in advance, com Evangelista and more, cos- in cash and prizes, hosted $12 at the door, Subterra- Uncommon Ground Dylan tume judging after the show, by Chanel Exotique, Fetish nean, 2011 W. North Ave., Rice (with Dave Mendez) 10:30 p.m., 3160 N. Clark Hell in the Hole with hole- planetearthchicago.com and Levi Kreis perform. 9 St., Chicago3160.com tender Rob, 6406 N. Clark Spin Costume contest, $1500 p.m. (Kreis), 10 p.m. (Dylan Berlin Devil Bunnies: Wax St., 773-743-5772 in cash and prizes, with Fri- Rice), $10 suggested dona- Trax Halloween showcase, Lake View Citizens’ Coun- da Lay and DJ Chris Eterno, tion, 1401 W. Devon Ave., 9:30 p.m. - 1:30 a.m., fol- cil Northalsted Halloween 800 W. Belmont Ave., spin- www.uncommonground. lowed by Cosmix with DJ Parade, a costume contest nightclub.com com Greg Haus, 954 W. Belmont for kids, pets, adults and Touché Bears and Boo party, Ave., 773-348-4975 groups. Theme: “Franken fun with Great Lakes Bears, Wednesday, Nov. 5 Chicago Foundation for Rat.” 7 p.m. step off from 6406 N. Clark St., touchechi- Uncommon Ground 4 Women 23rd Annual Melrose and Halsted to cago.com Women Only series. Each Luncheon & Symposium. Brompton, before return- Wednesday, four female ing south to Halsted and Sunday, Nov. 2 performers showcase their 42 October 29, 2008 talents. 9 p.m., 1401 W. De- Windy City Media Group synagogue. 8 p.m., 5959 or 773-506-8860 von, 773-465-9801 Gays Got Talent contest N. Sheridan Rd. (Emanuel Velvet Rope Sean Wiggins (dance, comedy, magic, Congregation building), live with Paul & Chandler Thursday, Nov. 6 impersonation, drag, bur- 773-271-2148 or office@ for two sets. 8:30-10:30 Breast Cancer Network of lesque, music and more). 6 OrChadash.org. See www. p.m., 728 W. Lake St. in Strength Life in Balance, p.m. sign up, 7 p.m. start, $5 OrChadash.org for details Oak Park a survivorship conference. cover, $10 sign up for talent, and other programs. Youth Outlook (formerly Nov. 6-8, Chicago Hilton and $100 to winner with most Flesh Hungry Dog Show Questioning Youth Cen- Towers, register at www.net- votes at each bar, Mary’s “Celebrate or Commiserate: ter) and NCO Youth and workofstrength.orc/lifeinbal- Attic, 5400 N. Clark The Electoral Hangover,” Family Services 2nd An- ance or 312-294-8576 featuring performances nual Forgotten Youth Con- Chicago Lesbian Gay In- Friday, Nov. 7 by Major Tom, Aleks and ference. 8 a.m.-3:30 p.m., ternational Film Festival Better Existence with HIV the Drummer, Charles S. professional $50, student Reeling 2008, showcasing Fundraiser and opening McVey. Also Girlie-Q Bur- with ID $25, $ CEUs $20, groundbreaking LGBT films reception for “Emerging lesque, Flesh Tones Bur- College of DuPage, Student from all over the world. Energy,” BEHIV’s annual lesque and DJ Sky. 9 p.m., Resource Center Room, Through Nov. 15 at various exhibition of artwork from $8, 21+, Jackhammer, 6404 Lambert & 22nd Street in locations. See www.chica- Art Therapy clients and sup- N. Clark St., www.fleshhun- Glen Ellyn, register at www. gofilmmakers.org, www. portive individuals. Runs grydog.com ncoyouth.org/lbgtq.htm reelingfilmfestival.org through Dec. 6. 5:30-7 p.m., SOFA Chicago 2008 15th NewTown Writers Meeting Center on Halsted’s Irving Annual Sculpture Objects & for Chicago’s GLBT writing Harris Family Foundation Functional Art Fair. Through workshop. 7:30 p.m., Ger- Reception Hall, 3656 N. Nov. 9. $15 for single day ber/Hart Library, 1127 W. Halsted St., www.behiv.org or $25 for three-day pass, Granville Ave., frauman8@ Congregation Or Chadash Navy Pier’s Festival Hall, yahoo.com or 773-528-3637 Shabbat Services every 600 E. Grand Ave., www.so- for info Friday at Chicago’s GLBT faexpo.com, 800-563-SOFA VOTE Don’t miss your chance to be part of one of the most crucial elections of our times! Make sure to make use of our ELECTION GUIDE CHARTS in this week’s issue of Windy City Times and online at www.WindyCityMediaGroup.com 43 October 29, 2008 from the booth by Randy Pubert & Dick Groeper This Ain’t the Munsters from Hustler Video Starring Lee Stone as Herman and Roxy Deville as Lily First scene has a lady of science in her G: The retro vibe adds to the sex. Too many spooky lab. stars take themselves too seriously. P: These people aren’t afraid to look the part. P: Does her scientist coat make her smarter? JUDGING G: No, I think it’s the glasses that do that. It’s Lily and Herman’s anniversary and they A PORN P: In a puff of smoke she turns into Grandpa. have a date to meet at the cemetery. Before BY ITS He almost smoked the dildo she had instead they arrive, a couple of punks wake up the COVER of his cigar! dead in the cemetery. G: This is some kind of intro! Pubert: Happy P: He has that rock star look, like the lead Halloween! The story begins with Marilyn having the singer of Sugar Ray. This video is haunted house to herself as she is reunited G: The girl has a run in her fishnets--not cute. going to be with her boyfriend. P: You know I have a snake phobia, right? hilarious! G: I think she’s more scared of his trouser Groeper: We P: Does the boyfriend talk? snake than you are! have reviewed G: He’s kind of creepy with those facial P: Nice shot through the spider webs. so many Hal- expressions. G: Herman just scared them away! loween tricks P: I think they are going for the cartoon look. P: He has the original Herman laugh down and treats. G: Marilyn has the role down pat, very to a tee. P: And still impressive. G: He surprised Lily with a new magic dick. more to go. P: The transitions are cool, just like a TV P: I guess all those experiments with Grandpa This one is on show. paid off! Blu-ray but still G: OMG, he just did the crossed eyed look has a regular Next scene screams with pleasure as while she sucked him. DVD version Grandpa turns into a longhaired stud to P: They are both completely green. I wonder for those old romance a girl. how long their makeup took to put on. school peeps. G: To paint his cock green must have been an G: I like how P: He looks like Fabio. undertaking! it’s available in G: Is that what straight people like? He looks P: I like how they stay in character during color or black crazy with that long hair. sex. Lily just said, “I have been waiting two and white with P: I think it’s his big dick that got him the job. hundred years for that cock!” just a click of G: The old tittie fuck. I haven’t seen that one G: He’s shaking the ground when he cums. the button. in a while. P: And it’s still white, folks! P: Doesn’t work as well with two guys. G: The budget is big for this flick and they have fun special effects. In the next scene Eddie Munster is a rock star P: This has been better than some of the with a groupie. recent gay parodies that we have seen. G: Yeah, our companies better step it up! They P: Eddie’s wee-wee looks skinny. could make a gay Addams Family after this. G: They could have at least made him gay P: Next week we are reviewing a porn cartoon for us. so that should be a step in the right direction! P: I wonder if there are any skeletons in his closet? Pubert: Thumbs up the pumpkin butt. G: He’s howling with pleasure! Groeper: Thumbs up the green butt. P: This video is going to make nerds cream in Not scared of straight porn? Flap over to www. their pocket protectors! munstersxxx.com. For past horrifying reviews visit www. 44 windycitymediagroup.com. October 29, 2008 A couple of real dolls at Jackhammer photo by Kirk 46 October 29, 2008