A Play About Hazel and Gus First Meeting with Peter Van Outen

Unrealistic Expectations A play about Hazel and Gus’ first meeting with Peter Van Outen

(Hazel and Gus approach the house and hear rap music playing. Hazel knocks the knocker. They wait.)

Gus: Maybe he can’t hear over the music?

(He grabs the lion’s head and knocks much louder. The music stops.

Peter Van Houten (PVH): (shuffles to the front door.)

Gus: (in a squeaky voice) Mr Van Outen?

PVH: (Slams door) (shouts) LEEEE-DUH-VIGH!

Lidewij: Are they here Peter?

PVH: There are – Lidewij, there are two adolescent apparitions outside the door.

Lid: Apparitions?

PVH: Phantasm, specters, ghouls, visitants, post-terrestials, apparitions, Lidewij. How can someone pursuing a postgraduate degree in American literature display such abominable English-language skills?

Lid: Peter, they are not post-terrestials. They are Augustus and Hazel, the young fans with whom you have been corresponding.

PVH: They are what? They, I thought they were in America!

Lid: Yes, but you invited them here.

PVH: Do you know why I left America Lidewij? So that I would never again have to encounter Americans.

Lid: but you are an American! PVH: Incurably so, it seems. But as to these Americans, you must tell them to leave at once, that there has been a terrible mistake, that the blessed Van Houten was making a rhetorical offer to meet, not an actual one, that such offers must be read symbolically.

Hazel: (Looks at sickeningly at Augustus).

Gus: (shoulders slacken and he stares intently at the door).

Lid: I will not do this Peter. You must meet them. You must. You need to see them. You need to see how your work matters.

PVH: Lidewij, did you knowingly deceive me to arrange this?

(Silence)

PVH: Opens the door. Looks at Gus and Hazel and back to Gus and back to Hazel again.

Which one of you is Augustus Waters?

Gus: I.. um..I, Hazel, um, well..

PVH: (to Lidewij) This boys seems to have developed some kind of developmental delay.

Lid: Peter!

PVH: Well, (holds out hand to shake Hazels’ hand) it is at any rate a pleasure to meet such ontologically improbable creatures.