<p> Unrealistic Expectations A play about Hazel and Gus’ first meeting with Peter Van Outen</p><p>(Hazel and Gus approach the house and hear rap music playing. Hazel knocks the knocker. They wait.)</p><p>Gus: Maybe he can’t hear over the music?</p><p>(He grabs the lion’s head and knocks much louder. The music stops.</p><p>Peter Van Houten (PVH): (shuffles to the front door.)</p><p>Gus: (in a squeaky voice) Mr Van Outen?</p><p>PVH: (Slams door) (shouts) LEEEE-DUH-VIGH!</p><p>Lidewij: Are they here Peter?</p><p>PVH: There are – Lidewij, there are two adolescent apparitions outside the door.</p><p>Lid: Apparitions?</p><p>PVH: Phantasm, specters, ghouls, visitants, post-terrestials, apparitions, Lidewij. How can someone pursuing a postgraduate degree in American literature display such abominable English-language skills?</p><p>Lid: Peter, they are not post-terrestials. They are Augustus and Hazel, the young fans with whom you have been corresponding.</p><p>PVH: They are what? They, I thought they were in America!</p><p>Lid: Yes, but you invited them here.</p><p>PVH: Do you know why I left America Lidewij? So that I would never again have to encounter Americans.</p><p>Lid: but you are an American! PVH: Incurably so, it seems. But as to these Americans, you must tell them to leave at once, that there has been a terrible mistake, that the blessed Van Houten was making a rhetorical offer to meet, not an actual one, that such offers must be read symbolically.</p><p>Hazel: (Looks at sickeningly at Augustus).</p><p>Gus: (shoulders slacken and he stares intently at the door).</p><p>Lid: I will not do this Peter. You must meet them. You must. You need to see them. You need to see how your work matters.</p><p>PVH: Lidewij, did you knowingly deceive me to arrange this?</p><p>(Silence)</p><p>PVH: Opens the door. Looks at Gus and Hazel and back to Gus and back to Hazel again.</p><p>Which one of you is Augustus Waters?</p><p>Gus: I.. um..I, Hazel, um, well..</p><p>PVH: (to Lidewij) This boys seems to have developed some kind of developmental delay.</p><p>Lid: Peter!</p><p>PVH: Well, (holds out hand to shake Hazels’ hand) it is at any rate a pleasure to meet such ontologically improbable creatures.</p>