Virginia Commonwealth University VCU Scholars Compass

Theses and Dissertations Graduate School

2018

Onlone 00:00

Junyun Chen

Follow this and additional works at: https://scholarscompass.vcu.edu/etd

Part of the Fine Arts Commons, Graphic Design Commons, and the Interactive Arts Commons

© The Author

Downloaded from https://scholarscompass.vcu.edu/etd/5429

This Thesis is brought to you for free and open access by the Graduate School at VCU Scholars Compass. It has been accepted for inclusion in Theses and Dissertations by an authorized administrator of VCU Scholars Compass. For more information, please contact [email protected].

MFA, Virginia Commonwealth University Main Advisor Second Advisor External Advisor School of Arts, Richmond, Virginia Lap Le Nicole Killian Aaron McIntosh May 2018 Assistant Professor, Assistant Professor, Assistant Professor, Department of Department of Department of BFA, Xiamen University Graphic Design Graphic Design Craft and Material School of Arts, Xiamen, China May 2018 Junyun Chen a.k.a Jun

A thesis submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the I would like to express my sincere gratitude to my thesis committee for the degree of Master of Fine Arts in Design, Visual Communications continuous support of my study and research, for encouragement, and at Virginia Commonwealth University. insightful comments throughout the thesis process. © 2018 Onlone 00:00 Contents Onlone Onlone Onlone Onlone Onlone Onlone Onlone Onlone Abstract Introduction Discussion Process Exhibition Interview Evaluation Bibliography 00:01 00:03 00:05 00:38 01:39 02:11 02:52 02:53

Onlone 00:00 Contents 00:01 Onlone Abstract Onlone Abstract 00:02

Being alone is not the only definition of loneli- ness. Loneliness can be felt even when sur- rounded by a lot of people, especially in the virtual online world. Our digital devices play an important role in connecting everyone together without the restriction of time and space. Communication became more and more convenient in this era. Mostly we are digitally connected, but sometimes, we are mentally disconnected. We are online and together in this virtual world, but loneliness is always a never ended situation that we are suffering from. As a visual communicator, My works focus on using performance as an approach to explore the evolving relationship between the online communication and on- line loneliness. In my thesis research, I want to investigate how does the online world cre- ated more loneliness to individuals digitally and physically, and how people release their spiritual desire and overcome loneliness in the online world. 00:03 Onlone Introduction Onlone Introduction 00:04

It’s 00:00 am. A message, “hi” with a twin- inheritance. Each human being comes into kle face emoji shows up on my phone the world alone, travels through life as a screen accompanied by a funny notification separate person, and ultimately dies alone. sound from Grindr. I swipe to read the mes- Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings sage as usual. When I try turning off the app, about a lack of connection or communication because I find that my contact has a blank with other beings, both in the present and ex- profile page, the guy sends me another tending into the future. Loneliness can be felt message:”lookin?” with a purple colored evil even when surrounded by other people. Just emoji . It seems like just another boring like what we are experiencing in the online Grindr guy again today. I try to ignore his world. Technology makes individuals have message, but it seems that he doesn’t want more connection with each other, however, to give up. After couple minutes, he sends a in many ways, virtual online communication third message. “Lonely? Horny?” with a burn- generates more loneliness in our virtual and ing fire emoji . I am kind of stunned and real life. don’t know how to reply. The word “horny” is overused in the Grindr world. It’s like peo- ple use the word, “Hey” in the real world. But this is the first time I’ve seen the word “lonely” on a Grindr message. Am I lonely? Of course, most people on Grindr are lonely, but no one wants to admit it, or maybe they Online, we are all together, but in truth, we don’t even realize that loneliness is human are Onlone Together. Onlone Discussion 00:07 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:08 nect to my real life. We are experiencing nected, but actually we are mentally discon- the hustle and bustle of the cities in our nected because something daily life and co­nnecting with each other is changing and missing. in the online virtual world, but why are we still suffering from the loneliness? To answer the question, I tried to fig- ure out what exactly loneliness is. Loneli- ness is human inheritance. Each human being comes into the world alone, travels through life as a separate person, and ulti- mately dies alone. Loneliness is a univer- sal human emotion that is both complex and unique to each individual. Common definitions of loneliness describe it as a state of solitude or being alone. For me, loneliness is actually a state of mind. It is the mixed emotion of empty, helplessness and frustration. Loneliness is not about being alone, but a lack of connection or communication with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future. It can be felt even when surrounded by other people. The internet gives us powerful ac- cess to hundreds of thousands of peoples without the restriction of time and space. We are lonely around with more people in the online world. We are all digitally con- 00:01 Onlone DiscussionDiscussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:11 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:12

Part 2. Online Loneliness

A dating app is like a solitude island, but it isA datingdifferent app than is likethe aisland solitude where island, Robinson but it lived.is different It is a than floating the islandisland whereaccumulating Robinson all thelived. lonely It is ahearts floating in the island online accumulating world. all the lonely hearts in the online world. 01 Loneliness as Invalid Communication Being a queer, I find it difficult to find someone to connect with in the real world. So I turned to the online world to find more connections. In the beginning, I was so surprised and excited about using Grindr. (online dating app for the gay community) The infinite scroll presented hundreds of thousands of users around me, creating a delusion that we are all together and firmly connected to each. But after my first year of the Grindr experience, I realized 00:13 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:14 that it was just a delusion. What I got from ple recognize who are they are talking the app is not communication but tons of with? Are they talking with a real person repeated cliche messages left in my cell or just a robot? phone. “Hey” “Hi” “How’s it going” “look- 01 Loneliness ing?”I am tired of this invalid communica- as insecurity tion in the online world. A couple of months ago, Grindr Online, we can claim to changed their interface design and intro- be whoever we wish. Behind the screen... duced a new function called “taps” which I Like actors playing a role, we can deliber- find useless and confusing. Once someone ately choose to put forth identity cues or is interested in someone else they don’t claims of self that can closely resemble even need to send a text message, but or wildly differ from reality. With the rise just need to use the tap button to send an of social platforms, the virtual spaces for emoji icon of: “hi” (a friendly greeting), “fire” these portrayals of alternate identities (meaning hot) or an “evil face” (meaning seem near endless. looking for a hook-up). It’s easy to under- Dating apps provide users with the stand that this function is an attempt to most competitive performing stage, en- make our online communication easier couraging people to present their per- and more efficient. However, the commu- fect, idealized side. Everyone strives to nication is inadequate and limited, making disguise and perform themselves in the the online environment a more indifferent limited space of profile pages to get more space. attention within the chance couple of sec- When people talk to each other—or onds they appear on their audiences’ cell even text—each conversation is different, phone screen. The presence of online revealing the diverse characters of the catfish (people who deliberately create users. While using the default emoji icon fictitious online identities) makes us ques- to communicate, everyone sends and re- tion who the real person is behind these ceives the same message. How can peo- perfect profiles. He may be a charming 00:15 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:16 guy who is enjoying the endless attention Grindr in Asia, it is common to see that or maybe a creepy man looking for the most guys present a similar appearance next ‘prey’ in the online world. Or maybe on their profile: short haircuts, whiskers, just another lonely heart waiting behind the sideburns, and heavy eyebrows. These screen and looking for the next match. specific elements are regarded as the When everyone is performing them- most attractive aesthetic in an Asian male, selves in the online world, I got lost. I don’t so more and more people try to follow the know who is the real one I can trust. The trend to become the perfect “ideal type” to intangible communication experience gen- gain more attention from their online audi- erates an insecure online environment. I ence. tried to mentally isolate myself from this Online, everyone looks the same by crowded island. I turn off my phone and following the same standard, creating the stare at my reflected image on the black delusion that what we see and talk to is phone screen. I am so overcome with an the same person over and over and we ineffable loneliness that I haven’t felt be- are keep searching and looking for the fore. Living in the online island I am frus- same unrealistic ideal type. This phenom- trated because there is no one I can trust enon generates further loneliness and here. The only one I can trust is myself. alienation in the online island. 03 Loneliness as Sameness Growing up as a queer in Asia, I found an interesting phenomenon where a lot of people are striving to perform themselves to become an ideal type in the online dat- ing community. Young Asian queers prefer very short hair, both in their own hairstyle and for their ideal partners. When I open 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:23 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:24

Part 3. Online Satisfaction

Living on the lonely internet, our natural inclination is always to find a way to feel better, seeing a cozy corner to gain com- fort and satisfaction on this isolated island. The internet is a stage of delusion. By definition, everything online must not necessarily be real. It is all about a spiritual comfort. It is just like the magi- cal placebo, once we believe in it, it will work. Although our online status is always shifting among performer, audience, and sometimes consumer, after all, our online behavior is mostly about satisfaction. 01 Lonely performer Being a lonely performer, accumulating followers is definitely the most direct and efficient way to dissolve the loneliness. Whenever we post a picture to Instagram, a post on Facebook, a video on Youtube, 00:25 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:26 we carefully choose what to be seen on 02 Lonely the public and when to publish to get more Audiences attention. In return, all these elaborate per- The Internet blurs the formances bring us increasing numbers of boundary between vir- followers. After we post something on our tuality and reality, cre- Instagram, most of us can not help check- ating the unbelievable ing our phone frequently. Seeing the grow- watching experience for ing number of “likes” makes us feel satis- the online audiences. Online Mukbang Videos fied and also implies the great expression The live stream provides http://www.afreecatv.com of self-ego. We tend to use the increasing real-time communication between the self-ego to fill up the lonely emptiness be- performers and audiences, changing the cause the more we focus on ourselves, we passive audiences to active participants. can more easily ignore the frustrating and Being an audience online, we take advan- never-changing fact that we are still alone tage of technology to seek for temporary either online or offline. virtual companions to get rid of the nev- There are lots of “match collectors” in er-ending online loneliness. Tinder recently. They perform themselves Mukbang is one of the most popular by presenting their perfect profiles online, online performance formats. Mukbang and there is no doubt that they get a large (or muk-bang) is an online broadcast in number of matches. But they never want which a host eats large quantities of food to talk with anyone after matching. Seems while interacting with their audience. Usu- like they are pretentious performers. They ally done through an internet webcast are not looking to use communication to (such streaming platforms include Afree- dissolve their loneliness. Instead, the in- ca), Mukbang became popular in South creasing number of matches is the trophy Korea in the 2010s. Foods ranging from that gave them the greatest delusion of pizza to noodles are consumed in front of satisfaction and assured them that they are a camera for an internet audience (who never alone.

00:27 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:28 pay or not, depending on which platform expression in the Mukbang performance. one is watching). Eating aloud is regarded as impolite bea- Mukbang is a direct reflection of the viohr in real life, however, when using the loneliness inherent in the online environ- sound in the Mukbang performance, it has ment. Eating alone has traditionally been the magical power that enhances the re- regarded as a negative clue of personal ality of digital companionship by creating loneliness. Thanks to Mukbang, it’s much an ineffably intimate and private watching easier to get dinner companions online. experience. For the audience, sitting in front of the Having a nice dinner with someone digital screen and watching the Mukbang in real life is getting difficult and need to performance becomes a daily ritual to put a lot of effort on it. We need to care- dissolve the loneliness. The audience gets fully dress up to make a good impression companionship through the screen based on each other. We have to wait for a long communication. When the host reads and time before going into a popular restau- responds to the comments from the au- rant. We try our best to bring up new dience, the audience then gains the at- topics to avoid embarrassing awkward tention and companionship in the online moments during the conversation. While world. eating with the virtual Mukbang compa- Besides the virtual visual accompani- nies, all we do is just open the laptop, ment, sound plays an additional important wearing the comfortable pajama, eating in role in the performance. Some Mukbang our cozy apartment, joining the chatting performers incorporate aspects of ASMR whenever we want, because no one is (autonomous sensory meridian response) seeing us and judging that we are eating videos to their performances.. Audienc- alone, because we are all alone togeth- es get physical and spiritual satisfaction er. However, when the Mukbang perfor- through listening to the exaggerated sound mance ends, and the host turns off the of chewing food. Compared to the visual camera, seeing myself reflect on the huge elements, the sound has a more powerful black laptop screen, I realize the truth that 00:29 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:30 loneliness never disappears from my life. form. 03 Infinite Consumer “You design a ritual of unpacking to make the product feel special. Packaging We are content not only with performing can be theater, and it can create a story.” and watching, we are also looking for ob- — Jonathan Ives, Apple designer taining. We are the most ambitious con- sumers in the online world, searching for the information, downloading the music, and even shopping from the online store. Shopping is cheaper than a psychi- atrist. Besides eating, shopping is an ac- tivity that most people use to overcome loneliness. Loneliness can make us mate- rialistic. The dark side of materialism as a tonic is that shopping boxes aren’t a great replacement for human accompaniment. Feeling isolated makes us anxious, which makes us less likely to get up the energy to make and maintain connections that would make us feel less alone. So, in the hunt Unboxing is the ceremony of loneliness. for immediate pleasure, we turn to shop- There is a sensuality in watching some- ping. There is a vicious cycle between the one open a box and slowly examine all growing appetite for material aspiration and the elements of the product, from the online loneliness. This growing phenome- inner and outer wrappings to the actual non makes the recent phenomenon of “un- product itself. boxing” videos (people providing an online performance of unboxing the commodities they have bought) an increasingly popular 00:31 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Process 00:40 - I shot original videos from Reedy Creek, My initial idea is inspired by scarecrows who I used mylar to make a costume for the par - met, I set up an iPad screen which presents a kinetic video. a water source that feeds into the James River in Richmond and deconstructed the videos based on Nature-deficit disorder is a concept first put forward by Richard Louv in his book, Last Child the Woods. psychological and It refers to a series of children’s behavioral problems caused by the lack of exposure we have chances to access to nature. But in reality, live with the sunshine, plants, We nature every day. live inside the natural world, however, We and water. mostly we are disconnected from it. face the same situation as us, inside natural environment but unable to have subjective feelings This project is composed of three main about it. parts: costume design, moving image installation, and documentary video. ticipant because this material can reflect the outside surrounding environment, and can create an isolated experience inside the suit. In addition, I made a mylar helmet to present my moving images. Inside the hel - - Dis- connected In the beginning, I am interested in re lationship between loneliness and discon nected. I wonder how the digital devices create the disconnected between human and nature space. Projec #1 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Process 00:42 - - In this project, I use design as a tool to cre - Lastly, I created a character—Mr. Scare - I created a character—Mr. Lastly, tant and still confused about his next destination... ate a ritual experience or performance for audiences nature. of absence the upon reflect and experience to the growing and moving direction of each video. The the growing and moving direction of each video. tree video was split by vertical bands, the other of The the flowing creek was split by horizontal bands. participant inside the helmet is unable to connect All the visual informa with the outside environment. They see tion they get is from the small iPad screen. and hear the natural world through digital device, what they see and hear is not real but just however, glitch fiction. crow—who has lost his way and is disconnected from the outside environment. I took a documentary video to record his exploration of Reedy Creek. He is hesi Dis- connected Projec #1 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Process 00:44 2016 Fall Video GDES 610 Costume Grad Workshop Performance Touch & Control 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Process 00:46 - - - Everyone is being controlled by the intensive The button suit gives me a new identity as The button is the tangible mediator that help people communicate with mechanical devices. However, mostly this kind of communication is unidirectional. always in the dominant position and place com We mand. By pressing the button, our physical action The result in the virtual world. changes the different performance is about Identity replacement between human and machine. It is an interesting start to explore the relationship between control and being controlled. social pressure. Not only an actor or a performance artist but every individual; a policeman, hotel stuff, model; is trying to persuade oth a violinist, Vogue do this they need To ers to believe in their character. to deliver a performance. the button suit Wearing loyal and precise mediator. as a remote in real life, I am controlled by my audi All their commands change my reaction in the ence. parallel virtual world. - Touch & Control Touch Loneliness is about the lack of communica tion. I am interested in the mechanism that how people communicate with the digital machine through touching and controlling the buttons. Projec #2 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Process 00:48 2017 Spring Video GDES 692 Performance Independent Study Installation Hi:-) 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Process 00:50 - - - Dating apps provide users with the most als of alternate identities seems near endless. competitive performing stage, encouraging people to present our perfect side. Everyone strives to dis guise and perform themselves in the limited space of profile pages to get more attention within the chance cell phone of couple seconds showing on audiences’ after the continuing identities screen. However, performing, we get lost. Who are the real ourselves? The one who keep performing and nearly perfect in the virtual world or one who are anxiously waiting behind the screen and looking for next audi ence... Online, we can claim to be whoever we wish. Like ac - tors playing a role, we can deliberately choose to put forth identity cues or claims of self that can closely With the rise of from reality. resemble or wildly differ social platforms, the virtual spaces for these portray - - Hi:-) Online provides us a stage to perform our selves. I am interested in the authenticity and our multi identities performance in the digital space, and how the falsity inse curity contribute to our online loneliness. Projec #3 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Process 01:04 2017 Spring Video GDES 611 Performance Grad Workshop Installation NÜWA MADE MEN 女娲造人 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Process 01:06 - - - I enjoy in looping process of shaping and re The work begins with an ancient Chinese Legend Nüwa was the celestial being who used story. clay to create the human beings in world. In this video performance, I tried to reinterpret the story. Being the God and having strongest power to make and shape human, I used the white clay my shaping tools to create own perfect “human The being”(the perfect white cylinder) in my world. suspend video installation is the working desktop Through the overlook for Nüwa to execute her work. perspective, everyone is the god in my work. fining my human, and be pleased with perfect tro phies, although the truth is that all these ten humans are almost the same after my delicate refining pro cess.What are the criteria of perfect? When referring to those perfect and successful stories, everything Everyone tried to copy others’ seems to be similar. story to become the next perfect people. However, the truth is that all humans will be assimilated into the same perfect white cylinders eventually… Nüwa Made Men During my research, I found that the online assimilation is one of the main reasons of the current online loneliness. I want to explore how to use the performance reinterpret this phenomenon. Projec #4 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02

01

06 05

03 06

10 04 04

05

07 08

10 08 01 07

02

09

03 09 02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02

03 02

09

08

04 07

01

10

06

05 00:0000:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone DiscussionDiscussion 00:0100:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Process 01:16 2017 Fall Video GDES 611 Performance Grad Workshop Installation MUKBANG 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Process 01:18 - The democratic culture of the Internet is Sitting in front of the webcam, Mukbang This project starts with the idea of online Mukbang video. Mukbang is an online audiovisual broadcast in which a host eats large quantities of food while interact ing with their audience. increasingly a part of daily life. If somebody wants their voice heard, they can do it with a couple of clicks. When everyone can easily broadcast themselves on the Web, The something changed in our online performance. online performance gives the performers strongest power to execute the performance without spatial and time restriction. tra - culture starts to be the apotheosis of humankind’s jectory away from face to interaction. Sitting in front recording the of my laptop camera, I am the performer, Meanwhile, Mukbang video for myself on the next day. I am also the only audience, watching video from In this project, I tried to reinterpret the format of last day. and using it as a platform to explore the Mukbang Video inconsistent but concomitant relationship between the performer and audience. Mukbang video is the product of our online loneliness, in my pseudo Mukbang video, being the only performer and audience at same time is a looping and doubling loneliness. But if being alone is an inevitable part of our life, why not just enjoy it, enjoy a slice of pizza by yourself. Mukbang Projec #5 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Process 01:32 2017 Fall Video GDES 611 Performance Grad Workshop Installation Video Performance Publication UNBOXING 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Process 01:34 - - - My video installation Unboxing is the continue explora tion of the online loneliness after previous Mukbang project. It was inspired by the online “unboxing” videos (people providing an online performance of unboxing an online the commodities they have bought online). It’s phenomenon where people tend to use shopping as an These unboxing videos approach to get over loneliness. growing appetite for material aspira satisfy people’s tion and online loneliness by presenting the intimacy of touching and opening the delivery boxes. In my size boxes, Unboxing video, I keep unboxing different The subject, myself, keeps but nothing is inside the box. a touching and opening the box, with no result. It’s vicious cycle between the growing appetite for recog The nition, being notices, and the curing of loneliness. boxes are just the containers of looping and endless loneliness. Unboxing Projec #6 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 01:39 Onlone Exhibition Onlone Exhibition 01:40 To see, to hear, 2018 Spring Video to touch the loneliness GDES 699 Website Thesis Research Installation Loneliness is an abstract and broad word. As the project evolved I began to narrow down my research into issues of queer loneliness and find more connection with other queers who are suffering from the experience of online loneliness. Loneliness is ineffable, and most people don’t want to talk about this .My previous works were more indirect and met- aphorical approaches to access and express loneliness. For my thesis, I explore the online loneliness directly through the a series of interviews. How to make the interview access other people’s lone- liness more appropriately and comfortably was a challenge. I created the interview space in my apartment and invited people to come to have some informal conversation in my bed. The soft pillow, blanket, and the provided pizza created a cozy and intimate environment for my interviewees. The selection of the interviewee was based an in- vitation I posted on my Grindr profile. I talked to people and invited them to my place for the interview. They are all from the different background, sharing their stories. It’s risky, but the reality and uncontrollability also reflect and amplify our online

environment. ONLONE 00:00 After collecting six interviews from selected men, the next question was how to present the interviews in a public gallery space. I wanted to create an interaction between the audiences and the edited interviews. All the interview text con- tent will be archived on a website which will be presented on a standing touchscreen. I invite people to reveal the content by touching the screen to create the intimate interaction between the audience and the interviews. Even as the audience uses the touchscreen to erase a solid color covering the text and the interview, parts of the text—but only in fragments— are re- vealed. The illegible reading experience in some way protects the privacy of my interviewee, but also aroused the audience’s curiosity to approach others’ loneliness. Throughout the thesis project, I developed a new understanding of the prominent experience of loneliness for the queer community online. The internet is a stage of delusion. Everything online must not necessarily be real. It is all about an attempt for spiritual comfort. It is just like the magical placebo, helping us temporarily get rid of the loneliness. But the truth is that the loneliness is still there, and we are onlone together. 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Exhibition 01:42 01:43 Onlone Exhibition Onlone Exhibition 01:44 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02

00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 00:01 Onlone Discussion Onlone Discussion 00:02 02:11 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:12

#01 Richard. R April 2, 2018 JY: okay so when was your last all the information like history, RR: mm hmm JY: so before grindr how did you time using Grindr? chatting history. Do you think JY: controlled by yourself or meet other gay friends? RR: ten minutes ago it’s kind of refreshing or do you RR: mmm RR: clubs JY: did you talk to someone or just think it’s like... JY: do you think the internet helps RR: myspace haha looking? RR: I guess like it’s interesting to you to feel less lonely or does it JY: what is clubs? You mean in real RR: only looking think about how people start to generate more loneliness? life? JY: did you say hi to anyone or tap archive like online experienc- RR:  I think by comparison more RR: gay club yeah anyone? es right so you can befriend loneliness JY: okay and myspace is more RR: mm mmm *no* someone on instagram after JY: more loneliness? internet stuff JY: why are you online on grindr? Grindr cause you’re connected RR: mmm hmm RR: mm hmmm RR: um to try to find people to con- with them via another platform JY: what other question…. So what JY: is it like… do you feel like inse- nect with in Richmond because so if you suddenly becomes do you do when you feel lonely curity when you meet people i’m a new person friends with them on another online? Talk with people or just online? JY: So you’re looking for like friend- site then maybe the refreshes talking? RR: sometimes yes but most of the ship? is sort of like cleansing the RR: mhh mmm for the most part time no RR: more friendship yeah people you haven’t connected yeah. JY:` so did you...like when you see JY: really? completely with you know? JY: do you feel it’s weird to come other people’s picture do you RR: mm hmmm And you can still go to another to someone’s place to do an worry about if it’s a real person JY: When you’re using grindr do platform to find your people but interview? Cause if we don’t or a fake picture? you think it helps you to feel I think you have to cleanse your know each other and we’re RR: I usually don’t care less lonely? instagram at some points too just chatting on grindr and you JY: so just talk with them? RR: mm mmm JY: So that’s why you have a lot of come to my place for an inter- RR: yeah JY: no? instagram followers? view do you think it’s weird? JY: will you meet everyone you talk RR: no, I think that it is kind of a RR: mm hmm RR: no to or just - placebo effect for loneliness JY: do you think the more friends JY: okay. Do you think that queer RR: no usually just one person out but I consciously know that i’m you get you feel less lonely? loneliness is different than other of the people that I talk to still lonely but I still use it at the (3:00) people’s loneliness? JY: when was the last time you felt same time so I think it’s like RR: not necessarily, I thin out of, RR: I think that queer loneliness is like you were lonely? a conscious decision to use for every ten people that you somewhat different because of RR: maybe like a day ago grindr in a way that is still very meet maybe one or two people the structures that society has JY: what happened? Were you much still by myself you know? become actual friends and placed for us in that we don’t alone or just in you apartment? JY: I know you’ve deleted your grin- I think that’s a problem with have necessarily a right or a RR: By myself in my apartment dr a couple times, why did you online culture and the way that conclusion to become married JY: were you in your bed? delete it? we are experiencing like culture or in a normal family and so RR: mm hmmm RR: I think there becomes an in general now, suddenly you’re navigating JY: so the bed is always related to obsession with checking it’s JY: do you think that loneliness a space that is a lot different loneliness almost like an analogy to a slot is different in the online world than maybe some of your other RR: in some ways yeah not neces- machine where you pull a lever than it is the real world? ~ eat ~ friends who are not queer so I sarily always but yeah and you see what you’re going RR: I think that um, I think that think you can quickly feel more JY: and do you feel weird eating to get it’s like you refresh grindr they’re kind of similar but also isolated or alone in that regard alone? What do you eat when or you press the refresh button pretty different at the same time but I think it also allows you you eat alone? and suddenly there’s like a so online loneliness is like a to access maybe other queer RR: I usually eat with my studio new person but sometimes you controlled loneliness and the people who are feeling similarly mates so maybe like fast food need to step away from things real world loneliness is maybe to build community (6:00) and if i’m eating alone so that’s why I deleted it (1:54) less controlled so I think that there’s a lot of JY: what is the loneliest food you JY: But when you delete it you lose JY: control? potential in queer loneliness think? 02:13 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:12

RR: maybe like ramen noodles or selves so we won’t feel lonely something, ramen maybe is anymore? more lonely cause it’s an individ- RR: mm hmm. Yeah I think that’s ual package of food good advice from people in the JY: or instant noodles, that is lonely past RR: mm hmm pretty sad JY: being alone, learn how to be JY: so all the lonley food is un- happy being alone healthy? RR: learn how to be happy RR: I think that’s pretty safe to say being alone yeah JY: uh huh JY: because lonely is unhealthy. RR: and then you’ll feel better about What do you think of loneliness? being with other people What is loneliness? JY: okay I think that’s a nice end- RR: Um I think of loneliness as more ing, thank you like the relationship of your past RR: thank you and less about like feeling like you’re not connected to people. I think loneliness feels more lonely in relation to how you felt more connected with people in the past so like the more you feel connected with people the more lonely you feel when you’re lonely. But I think it’s hard to de- fine what loneliness is. Because some people feel lonely when they’re around people and other people feel lonely when they’re alone so I think it’s more of like a feeling of um not being a part of something and less about need- ing one partner or a relationship or something like this JY: Do you feel lonely when you have a boyfriend? RR: sometimes yeah JY: why? Cause you want some- thing? RR: I think in some places you know there’s it’s impossible to connect completely so you find loneliness in the lack of connection JY: So maybe we need to learn how to find a connection with our- 02:15 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:16

#02 Jack April 4, 2018 JY: how do you feel when you meet trust trying to meet someone or 100% i mean there are guys who, this is how bad it was, someone from grindr but you even just get pics of somebody out there who are into older he didn’t want to have sex, don’t know them before: cause you’re horny. (1:27) you men, who are into older and he didn’t want to hook up, he JK: nervous, always, it really just know especially as you get bigger men. You know basically just wanted someone to tell depends, but if you’re going older and you get turned down bears. You know, you would be him some jokes. And I knew a just to meet and meet them as a lot you’re like you don’t care considered a twink. I would be couple of great jokes, I know a person it’s not about sex it’s if they’re telling the truth or considered a big bear. And you some good jokes and was like still nervous but you’re a little not. You don’t care what pics know there are guys who are into if you want me to call you it’d more like relaxed and you’re they send you because you’re that and it’s just more few and be easier for me to tell you and wondering. BUT if it’s about sex probably not going to meet and far in between. You know if you he goes “yeah okay that’s cool” you’re nervous. you’re probably gonna have line me up with you and a jock and he goes “okay where’s JY: mmm some type of talk, some type and a weight lifter and you had your pics” and i sent my pic and JK: a lot more nervous. Again of discussion some type of sex a young guy sit and pick one of he blocked me. So I’m like okay especially if you’re going to talk you’ll exchange picture em I would get picked last. (3:04) because i’m old and fat you them or they’re coming to you whether they’re real or not and It gets numby, you know, you don’t want to hear my jokes? cause you just don’t know. You that’s it you know? You know become numb to the block bite, What does that have to do with don’t….just… it’s a stranger. the genuine ones. You know? cause that’s the thing I hate the anything? (4:34) And in today’s society you You can just tell, you can most. Is that block bite because JY: maybe the joke is just an know it’s a scary thought, you tell when they send pics like it becomes, it becomes to me excuse and he just wants or hear about people doing this all “where’s yours?” “send a pic rude. I don’t mind no one being needs something more than the time, I mean, I remember of you holding your fingers up” into me, it’s doesn’t bother me, if jokes or just… on Craiglist you know that guy you know? Be real. You know you’re not into me that’s fine. But JK: I don’t know! I mean, it’s possi- just went to look at property for I’ve talked to several guys , one don’t strike up a conversation ble but he had to know that or those two guys and they killed guy i’ve been talking to, I hate with me then when you get my he would have said, he didn’t him. (00:44) you know? You lying to him, I’m lying to him pic you don’t say a word you’re want to hook up. don’t know who to trust. The (2:02). Cause he’s so attractive, just blocked. To me it’s discour- JY: mmm smart thing to do, the thing that but I was just like, I just said aging, it’s rude, i’d rather you be JK: So you know but yeah it, it can I do is to take precautions be hello, I never lied at first but he forward, i’d rather you just come be a little discouraging, I mean smart, let people know where went into this whole spiel, we up front and say ‘oh man well and a little off putting when you’re going. If you’re not fully just start talking and then next you know I gotta be honest with you’re the big older guy (4:58) out, you know, if you’re not, thing you know after a couple of you i’m more into my age or i’m JY: and the next question: so do if you’re still someone in the days, we didn’t talk about pics. more into my body type.” but you you think being lonely in the closet um find someone who’s We just talked and it was going know you seem cool I don’t mind online world and the real world close to you you know you can great and then all of a sudden talking to you down the road but is different? trust let em know you’re out he wanted pics and I knew or you know you’re just not my JK: Honestly I think the real world, you’re gay and that you wanna right then and there as soon as type. I’d rather someone say that I mean to me there’s not a ton use them as a security blanket. he gets my pic he ain’t gonna to me (3:56) and then i’ll be like of difference. Lonely is lonely, You know there’s a lot of guys talk to me no more. So I lied. “oh that’s cool we can maybe doesn’t matter if you’re online who are genuine. They put their Because it was nice talking to talk and maybe if you get the or if you’re in the real world. real stats their real pics and you him, he was a friendly guy. urge towards a big guy one day JY: mmhmm know there’s a lot who don’t, JY: So you feel like being a big give me a holler” and i’m cool JK: But I do think in the real world I’ve lied. You know? But like older guy on Grindr is pretty with that but to sit there and once it’s a little more. cause online you said it’s not about insecu- lonely? (2:34) you see my pic you just walk. you can lie. (5:19) it’s a fantasy rity you know usually it’s about JK: yeah definitely. It’s not, it’s not JK: yeah I had one guy on there world. You can lie, cheat, that’s 02:17 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:18

what catfishing is. Everyone that out a lot of young people after a while then another he it’s a bandaid because most does, everyone can have that don’t realize it they think that passed away she ain’t dated no people you know they don’t re- stupid show you know I think high school and college friends one in years. I know she wished alize they need to get out there it’s bullshit, everyone catfish- are forever it’s not you know? even now she had someone and i’m just as guilty I I get on es. And everyone will always People graduate, people move, everyone does, everyone wishes my phone and get on Grindr catfish. (5:32) whether it’s people pass away. (7:03) and they had a companion or a great and I spend too much time on for jokes, for friends, for sex then your herd, it starts to be- friend they could see every day it and I got friends out there I doesn’t matter. When you’re come lonely online you can talk all the time. But it doesn’t matter know want me to come out and online and you’re in the chat to anybody anytime anywhere who it is whether your orientation do stuff and that’s my choice room people create a persona without anything be anyone it is or race, lonely is lonely. (10:30) you know right now that’s not real (5:42). and to the cold but it’s not as lonely JY: hat’s a good answer (8:53). cause i’m out of shape and stuff ones that don’t eventually will JY: and do you think that gay/queer so do you think the internet is I choose not to go out too many down the road just for the fun loneliness is different than other something that can help you to places but to me it’s a bandaid of it. But i think in the real world people’s loneliness? relieve the loneliness or or is it a it’s not real in that sense you’re it’s a lot harder. Because you JK: Being alone? place where you generate more better off out here you know make friends, you have family, JY: yeah loneliness? (9:07) meeting people whether it’s on most people do, but a lot of JK: no. (7:32) lonely is lonely. JK: I think it’s a place that’s a ban- grindr, at a bar, you know at a times people grow appart you Whether you’re male, female, daid for loneliness party even at some time of get know i’ve grown up with tons gay, bi, straight, transgen- JY: oh bandaid together like something the city of friends I have a big family, der, doesn’t matter. Lonely is JK: again you can go online and be is sponsoring you know I come from a big family um lonely you know? My brother’s anyone and talk to anyone about JY: when did you start using grin- but you know I see them when straight but I know he’s a lonely anything but it’s not real you can dr? (10:57) I can you know I live with my guy he’s one of those guys that still make a great friend but what JK: oh man, I think in the beginning brother and just a couple years grew up shy always to himself, if that great friend is in England. of 2017 I was on and off again, ago our mother moved in with never dated. You know, when You know are you truly gonna I had two emails and I had two us because she’s turned old he’s online he talks his head meet are you truly gonna get accounts and a lot of times she turned 81 so we take care off, he’s a big football fan he together or just be online friends I would delete my accounts of her. Um I got brothers and can go to football sites and talk and there’s nothing wrong with because you have too many sisters I had tons of friends about football all day. He’s met that being online friends, real people that always you know growing up but I don’t see them all kinds of friends online about friends. But it’s still not the same hit you up like “hey how you much anymore my last friend, football he’s even talked to a as having that friend to meet doin” you try to clear em off and my boy, that I hung around with girl online just as a friend. He or relationship, someone to be sometimes they come back the last twelve years I don’t grew up having a few friends with. To hold. To be either in and your list starts growing too see him barely at all. I talk but over the years he stays at love with or hang out with. The big and so sometimes I would to him by text. (6:31) Maybe home. He’s online, he watches family member you can get delete it I never knew but once once a month, maybe once tv, he goes for treatment when together with. It’s not the same. you delete it grindr goes if you every other month cause he’s he needs it, he has a kidney It will never be the same. And do this too many times we’re married, gotta kid, so that kind problem so he goes for dialysis. it’s not to say you can’t meet this bumping you off. Well I did it of loneliness now you know, But you know he’s straight person and be friends and you like three times and on one of people go out and search for I know he’s a lonely person never know, move in together, be my emails they bumped me off. those friends they try to search I know he wished he had roommates, be in a relationship, They won’t let me back on. So for those things but you know someone um my mother is 81 doesn’t say that it can’t happen it I use my other one but it was it’s a lot harder especially the she dated after our father left does but in the overall spectrum about 2017 that’s the one I use older you get (6:48) it will find us she had one guy she dated no it’s not the same you know it “JJ” 02:19 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:20

JY: which is the J? how well you know the area, but it can be fun, you meet some JY: yeah JK: the one you saw, the J is “jack” were you born here? Were you cool guys and I tell you right now JK: oh man, it’s been probably, a few people I grew up with born in virginia or richmond? cruising is not about talking not since they booted me off, it’s called me jack jack so JJ JY: no about a meeting usually almost been over seven months. I JY: JJ, that’s cute JJ *laughs* JK: where were you born? 95% of the time about sex so but don’t know if i’m ever gonna JK: But most people call me jack JY: china one time I was down in forest hill keep Grindr but i’m too afraid to JY: do you know jj has another JK: oh so you’re from china park and there was a guy down delete now cause if you keep meaning in chinese? JY: yeah there who was rubbing himself deleting the profile they’ll even- JK: what does it mean? JK: um so I don’t know how well a little over his jeans I you know tually bump you off and not let JY: penis you know it but like down you didn’t do anything I got back in you back on, I don’t know why JK: I chose good then! know sims avenue? my car I went up to the restroom that is but I guess that they feel JY: when I saw JJ I was like ugh JY: mhh hhmm and you know I’m not hung that you’re covering something JK: I should of put in Joy JJ JK: alright well if you go down or nothin I gotta small I kinda up (15:04) JY: uh huh sims and forest hill avenue showed myself a little and he’d JY: do you think one day you’ll JK: JJ means penis? there’s forest hill park has a rub himself I left the bathroom totally delete it and never JY: nickname of the penis big green area but behind it is got back and he kept following re-download it? JK: ooohh (12:11) okay so like a big drive in picnic area you me I went down to the river he JK: you know for a while I didn’t slang can drive your cars in it’s got followed me he had a nice big JY: really? JY: yean like chinese slang, like JJ shelters back there, grills and convertable mustang uh and he JK: yeah for a while I just left it JK: cool, that’s awesome they’ve got more control on it kept following me and I thought alone JY: how did you know other people now but specially years ago, “well he must be interested” so I JY: how do you feel? before grindr? and now guys used to go down went to a shelter and I exposed JK: When it was gone? JK: um you mean like meeting there and cruise down there. myself there and you can’t do JY: yeah people? They go down into the park anything in a bathroom cause it’s JK: no different. I mean, I couldn’t JY: How do you meet new people and sit in their cars and they’ll a bathroom you can’t get naked care less, I mean, I know i’m JK: uh hmm I don’t know there pull up next to you and think in a bathroom doesn’t matter but not gonna get to hookup a were online chats, craigslist, I if you’d be interested there’s soon as I did he pulled a badge ton at this age I get here and didn’t like craigslist much but a bathroom, guys went in, I out and said “don’t try to run” there you know unfortunately there was a few uh sometimes I hooked up down there a few and i said “I ain’t gonna run no that’s just how it’s gonna be would go to places that people times. But uh cruising is much where” where was I gonna run? you know so it’s something i’m would cruise like parks, um different than online because (15:18) and he gave me a ticket I not struggling to worry about been busted at a park before again you can’t lie about your had to go to court pay a fine you too much, I have other things doing that persona you can’t hide who you know but I don’t go down there to worry about unfortunately as JY: like cruising? are they see you for what you if I do cruise down there I don’t you get older that’s just how it JK: yeah cruising are and i’ve always been a big anything like that anymore, you is, sex.. when you’re young sex JY: is the cruising in real life the guy, sometimes I was thinner, know, so… but it’s totally differ- is second nature it’s always, same as looking at a profile on but you know this is the biggest ent. Totally different. Online, like especially on a guy’s mind Grindr? i’ve ever been but I used to be I said, is a different world from especially gay guy’s minds, it’s JK: cruising is way different be- thinner, smaller, and some guys your real life you can’t hide who always there but as you get cause you see em in person, who were into me, and some you are. older it fades to the back some they get a look at you, and they guys would wave me away they JY: when was the last time you you don’t worry about it nearly either want to do something or didn’t want nothin to do with deleted Grindr? (15:38) as much you know if it happens they don’t and it depends on me, just was rude but it’s fun it JK: From grindr? it happens, it don’t, it don’t. where you are like I don’t know can be fun it can be dangerous (16:59) 02:21 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:22

JY: when was the last time you felt JY: get online it happens (19:53) yeah but you on the top of your list of things like you were lonely? JK: watch tv sometimes I’ll get up get online just for that yeah it to worry about. JK: um, never...I never feel as and go driving, I enjoy driving can cure...that’s what i’m saying JY: You think loneliness is an un- much online lonely, in real life a lot uh I’ll call call and talk to online to me isn’t the loneliness healthy thing? right now all the time. You know friends if they’re available , um of real life because you can get JK: oh yeah I think it can be I mean not 100% lonely I have you know used to play video online and do anything be any- unhealthy, I don’t think it’s the friends but I just don’t see em games a lot one. worst thing in the world again but I do have family you know JY: oh really? JY: But after like masturbation or some people like it, some I live with my brother and my JK: Yeah, i’m a big video game fan anything like this you get online people are into it, some people mom or you know they live with my consoles a little busted right do you feel more loneliness? want it. But i do think it can me. Um I take care of them now don’t know what’s going on JK: nah some people might, yeah be unhealthy because I think cause he has dialisis and she’s haven’t gotten it looked at but and of course you wish it was a you can become bitter when 81 so it’s a little harsh but I‘m grew up playing video games, real person there with you you’re lonely and don’t wanna not alone, I have family I can you know i’m a child of the JY: mmhhmm be, if you want to be left alone talk to and if I have to I can eighties so I was around when JK: but it is what it is and again like you can be better and you can get on the phone and talk to video games started hitting I said I can’t speak for people become a bitter old man, bitter any of my brothers and sisters their stride, but that’s what you who are in their twenties, teens old woman, whatever, that’s I have friends I can call and know sometimes or thirties for me as you get if you want it but if you don’t my friend Doug I don’t see JY: Do you ever think about how in older yeah I want someone there want to be alone and or for him anymore but i can call him a video game you can create I would love to hook up with some reason you can’t hook up anytime and he’ll sit and talk another avatar or something somebody and do anything or with people well get out there with me for hours um (7:45) that’s pretending as yourself leave in a few minutes and enjoy and try to make a try even get but when in general as far as JK: it’s the same as online that satisfaction but again I’m online and lie and make friends companionship or going out JY: yeah just like online not gonna let it rule my life, you it can make you, you know, just and doing things and being JK: oh yeah know, i’m not gonna let it ruin outwardly (22:16) an angry per- with someone all the time right JY: is there some place to get my day because I had to use my son, a depressed person, you now. You know, all the time. some satisfaction online? hand instead of my mouth on know kind of bitter at people. It’s just how it is and I can’t say (19:22) somebody you know, or I had to Yeah I get mad at people online if I lost a bunch of weight and JK: as in like of loneliness or satis- look at videos instead of being when they treat me the way got plastic surgery and looked faction as in sex? with a real person. You know? they do. beautiful that I still wouldn’t be JY: both. it’s not the end of the world you JY: do you think that one day you’ll lonely you know good looks JK: yeah of course there is I mean know that’s the sad thing that’s totally get rid of loneliness? don’t guarantee that you won’t when you’re alone the big- the sad things about the state of JK: I hope so. I think everyone can be lonely at all. You know it’s a gest thing you’re gonna do is the things in the world we are in if they try you know again I state of what you put yourself mastrubrate and you do that by today you would think it’s gonna believe in fate, I believe some in and right now i’ve kinda put getting online you don’t have be the end of the world with all things just happen, they hap- myself into this predicament someone you can meet up the governments uh but as far pen I like when couples, you maybe one day i’ll get out of it with, have some type of sex as sex and being with someone hear about couples meeting on but it’s my choice but right now with or companionship with you (21:16) god there’s just so much a whim, not some forced crap pretty much all the time. (18:23) get online you’re gonna get on more to worry about you know you know I hate anything that’s JY: what do you usually do when grindr or get on websites and let sex happen if it happens, forced in a relationship, unless you feel lonely? look up porn or look for friends masturbate to mastrubate, have you’re just meeting for sex or JK: uh I get online and exchange pictures or vid- sex to have sex, whatever hap- a hookup that’s different, I’m eos and then when it happens pens happens but it shouldn’t be talking friendship or compan- 02:23 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:12

ionship there’s a difference when work constantly now, he has a it’s fate you know if you bump new home and when you lose into that person, you talk to that something like that it bug you person and something clicks for a while you’re kinda like it’s the best thing in the world you miss it, it’s like a family cause you know there’s a spark member passing away that you there’s a chemistry there that saw often it’s something in your you really really want to pursue life that was there, you’re used and you hope it goes and I don’t to, and now it’s gone so you mean it’s gonna go all the way feel it, but then the one thing it could go to a certain point that’s in our DNA that I believe and then a blockage could hit in is that time does make it so the way you find out you hate you get used to that you know each other or it could span your when someone passes *clear lifetime and that’s the best thing throat* , excuse me, you know, in the world and I feel like that’s when your mother, father or what I would like to happen, I brother, sister, someone close don’t mind going out and looking to you passes it hurts and you for friends or making friends miss them but in our DNA it’s on grindr or wherever (23:43), designed to tell us that natural, at a job, or something else you we’re all gonna die, it’s meant somewhere become friends with to happen so naturally you start someone but it’s greater when it to get used to it. You miss them just happens you know it clicks less. You’ll always want them, cause i’m a person who believes you’ll always remember them, there’s you know reasons for a but your body gets used to it. lot of things or just about every- When it’s companionship it’s a thing you know there’s fate that little different but again as you happens to people so… get older you’re like you hate it JY: are you okay with your current but it’s not something you worry feeling about loneliness now? about as much , you learn to JK: i’m okay with it (24:09) again let it happen, if it happens it everybody, again everybody happens wishes they had that someone JY: okay, I think that’s all my ques- you know I miss my friend that tions. Thank you! I hung out with for years, I miss him, we were tight you know we had similar personalities, similar humor you know we, we would had similar taste in movies and music, we took trips together, we went places together, but it had to end cause he has a wife now, he has a kid now, he has to 02:25 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:26

#03 Shuainy Boy April 5, 2018 JY: are you lonely now? North Carolina and um I didn’t sex (3:06) or once you get a SB: (4:50) I was in a new town SB: i’ve been feeling lonely recently have anyone to talk to and I friend, I don’t know, I think that JY: oh...yeah, do you think it’s a JY: why? Because of friendship or was really lonely and had no like it’s hard to know when to good way to get to know people relationships? outlet, and I used to go on stop using it instead of just when you go to a new place? SB: I think both these stupid chat things where continuing to use it and like it’s SB: hhmmhh I think something JY: both? you’d just chat with a random hard to when when to be happy that’s hard about being gay or SB: yeah I don’t want like a real person around the world and with someone you’ve met or queer, especially nowadays relationship but I want like I used to do that when I got just keep looking for someone because I think people are someone who cares about me really lonely, they were always better acting more queer in gen- JY: Like a friend or more than looking to fuck girls so they’d JY: so you think that Grindr is a eral even straight people or friends? always ask you if you were gay tool to relieve your loneliness whatever are acting more gay, SB: like slightly more than a friend, and if you said yes they would or do you sometimes feel more I think it’s like nice to know but not as much as like a, skip you. But I used to do that I loneliness from it? (3:37) ahead of time who is available. JY: starting like a friend was really lonely back then so I SB: um, I think when no one’s I feel safer approaching people SB: yeah, like well, uh my friend think that like, talking to me I feel worse about after I see them on Grindr Richard haha am I allowed to JY: was it a website? myself but in general I feel like and they’ve seen you too so say that on camera? SB: yeah, but I forget what it’s it’s helped me relieve some assuming like, if you have your JY: haha yeah called loneliness. I think I approach it profile photo showing but yeah SB: You can bleep it out later SB: omeggle in a pretty healthy way I’m not and then when you move to a JY: yeah JY: oh so it’s like for both straight too obsessive about it new city you know it’s a good SB: so yeah I’ve been lonely, like and gay people? JY: when was the last time you way to meet people if you’re I go through like times where SB: yeah it’s kind of just like a deleted it? (grindr) just like visiting somewhere i’m feeling like totally fine then random chat that just links you SB: last time I? and like don’t know what to do other times where I am obses- up with someone random you JY: deleted- otherwise you would just be like sively looking for people to talk have no control over who you SB: deleted it? A few weeks ago, I wandering around and I think to talk to it just links two people had it off for two weeks. like, I’ve met up with people in JY: so when was the last time you together JY: why? cities off of Grindr and had a used Grindr? JY: so you don’t even know if SB: hmm I think I was just feeling really nice time seeing things I SB: right now they’re in the same city as you depressed and it wasn’t helping wouldn’t have seen otherwise JY: okay *both laughing* that’s a or and I think that when I’m feeling (5:59) very true answer. So when did SB: no, nowhere, you have no idea really sad I think it doesn’t help JY: what do you usually do when you start using Grindr? JY: that’s exciting because it doesn’t give you you’re lonely? SB: Last September so like six SB: It was cool I mean I liked it but anything meaningful it’s just like SB: what do I do when I feel lonely? months um I had more friends well I - I want something meaningful JY: yeah JY: After your breakup? don’t have anymore friends from it, i’m looking mostly for SB: I usually put on a tv show, get SB: a year after I broke up here I have, my social life is the friends or like intimacy and snacks, and then look at Grindr JY: So how do you feel about the same here, but I think i’ve been other people are just looking while i’m watching a tv show loneliness online and is it differ- happier with being on Grindr for, you know, quick sex JY: oh that’s really nice ent between online loneliness I think it like makes you want JY: so intimacy and quick sex is SB: mmhh hmm and real life loneliness? (1:29) more different? JY: Do you feel lonely when you’re SB: um, I think it’s helped me, JY: more attention or more ... SB: mm hhmm I mean sometimes around a lot of people? where I used to live before I SB: yeah, like once you get a I’m just looking for sex too but SB: no, when i’m with people I think had a smartphone I was in the little attention you want more JY: so why did you re-download it it’s like an instant cure for me middle of the mountains of attention or sex you want more again? but then the second I go home 02:27 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:28

or leave...you know (6:30) I or one or two hot dogs from the SB: like I just think that queer chatter bate think grindr has made people gas station and go home and people have a history of sort of JY: chater bate ooohh cahtter bate. more impatient or more able to eat them making their own communities So like do you think it’s a way like be alone cause you want JY: oohh by yourself? : visible, supportive, interest- for you to release the loneli- that like instant contact, have SB: mmm hmmm. Or chips, or ac- ing communities and I haven’t ness? those meaningless base level tually what I usually do is I steal found that here SB: sometimes, I mean I like conversations that don’t mean my housemate’s food JY: so you have a lot of friend here watching like people like me anything cause you’re just say- JY: *both laugh* why is loneliness SB: I have a lot of friends here but like pronstars kind of annoy ing the same thing to each oth- always related to drunk food? but like - me but ammeuteur porn or like er over and over again, “what SB: I think for me cause loneliness JY: small group of people together? watching these people on chat- brings you on here?” “what’s and boredom go together alot SB: yeah, and there’s not like you ter bate and like they talk to the your name” “where are you and when i’m bored I eat know there’s not like a queer camera (11:59) They communi- from?” i’m like it’s not that fun to JY: yeah housing cooperative or a queer cate with the people that they’re tell people that. But I think that SB: plus like salty things make you art center or a queer...it’s not um that are like paying them, i’ve gotten worse at just sitting feel good in the short term, what I expect there to be in like they’ll ask for them to do alone and being okay with it salty or sweet other cities there are things. They all have limits and JY: do you feel like one day you’ll JY: yeah, do you think loneliness is JY: really? you pay for them to do things, I totally get rid of loneliness? something unhealthy? SB: larger cities. But but also I don’t never paid anything but um but SB: no, SB: (8:46) not necessarily, I think know, I don’t know, I’ve just they’re funny they talk to the JY: So you think it will go with you it can make you do unhealthy had an easier time finding like camera sometimes like they’re through all of time? things. I think it’s natural to feel social groups of queer people having a conversation with you SB: I mean I think like during times, lonely every once in a while in the past than I have here so so it’s fun sometimes I mean I wouldn’t describe like JY: do you think that queer peo- i’ve been feeling like a queer JY: how do you feel the difference the, i’m like on a regular day ple’s loneliness is different than loneliness I guess you may since it’s coming through your i’m more often than not feeling other people’s loneliness? call it here because I’m like monitor, the screen? good, you know i’m usually SB: I don’t know, I think that maybe lacking this larger community SB: I mean they’re not actually feeling good so I don’t say i’m like it’s more frustrating for me I have plenty of friends but i’m interacting with you they’re just horribly lonely all of the time, because I think of like queer lacking connection to this larger like interacting with viewers so but I think that it always comes people as wanting to be part community (10:54) that I want, it doesn’t feel as similar um and goes (7:36) of a community and wanting to if that makes sense JY: when you’re watching them do JY: when you had a relationship did make social events happen and JY: yeah...and what do you do you pretend they’re only talking you feel lonely at that time? just be outside of their houses online when you feel lonely? to you or you’re realizing this is SB: I was really lonely in my last re- doing things so like in this city Just talk to people or do you do not for me it’s for everyone lationship because we weren’t especially I don’t see a lot of other things? SB: no , I think it’s more funny to really compatible the queer community out and SB: Um, I look at porn, um I watch follow other people’s conversa- JY: mmmm so you still feel lonely about, so I feel like, I feel like this thing called Chatter Bate tions SB: mmm hmmm both individually lonely but also JY: chatter bate? JY: oh cause they’re talking JY: what do you eat when you’re a community loneliness, like i’m SB: it’s like live performances that SB: mm hmm so I don’t really pre- lonely? lonely looking for this commu- people pay. You don’t have to tend that they’re doing it for me SB: (7:55) well last winter a year nity that I think I haven’t found pay people just watch too (13:00) ago, I was very lonely probably here that I expect queer people JY: is it like erotic or just normal JY: what kind of conversation is it? more lonely than I ever have to create in cities. If that makes SB: mm hmmm it’s all sex SB: it’s actually pretty funny it’s like been and I got a lot of gas sta- sense JY: ooohh they become friends and they tion hot dogs. I would get two JY: queer the city? SB: it’s like chat and mastrubate, know each other like you know 02:29 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:30

rich men who have favorites don’t know this doesn’t really SB: Last night. Just got in a fight JY: really? and so they’ll have relation- answer the question but I think with my friend SB: I don’t think i’m their demo- ships with each other, they’ve the difference is that real life is JY: so what did you do after when graphic. Am I allowed to finish never met they just like they kind of online now. I think fewer you felt sad last night this pizza? know like do that thing you did and fewer people - I think that SB: uh I drank a lot and I watched JY: mm hmmm, yeah! Finish it. for me last time and i’ll give there are still cruising places a movie, I got on Grindr, then SB: I’ve downloaded like random you 500 tokens and they’re you know? Where guys go to I watched more movies and I ones here or there one’s that like oooh and they know their meet up but I think that online was up until very very very late are there for like finding a screen names so they’ll talk to has becomes sort of real life JY: Does the bed space make you cruising site or one that say their screen names a lot and dating and social time for a lot feel lonely? they’re like for queer people or will call out people’s screen of gay men, especially gay men SB: umm I’ve had friends recently I guess I use Tinder every once names. It’s funny. than other people (15:04) who just stay over and cuddle, in a while I have Tinder I don’t JY: so it’s a live show? JY: Do you think you talk to people which I’ve told you about but really… I’ve met a few people SB: mm hmm more easily online because you like just you know no sex at all off it but not much JY: that’s really interesting don’t feel as shy? and that’s been really nice I’m JY: why don’t you like using tinder? SB: yeah SB: definitely, I mean like I freely not looking for sex i’m looking SB: (19:06) I don’t have a good JY: cause that’s where the internet send pictures of my dick and for like personal connection, so profile on their I haven’t had the can give you virtual companion- ass to people all the time which that’s, I think that’s been really time to put a profile out there ship I would never do in person really nice so I just haven’t really done SB: sometimes I just text friends haha JY: body connection anything with it and call people and watch a JY: have you blocked anyone SB: mm hmm it is, it’s when i’m JY: how do you feel about the sad movie before? alone in my bed is when I feel matching system? JY: sad movie? SB: mm hmm! (15:45) lonely SB: matching system? SB: cry myself to sleep. I’m not JY: and have other people blocked JY: have you met anyone using a JY:  yeah on tinder lonely that often you before? fake account on Grindr? SB: I don’t know, some people on JY: do you think there’s a difference SB: mm hmmm SB: mm hmm there seem okay it’s weird to between loneliness in real life JY: how do you feel about this? JY: yep not have a chance to convince and online? (13:59) SB: it sucks! It feels really shitty SB: no… I had a fake scruff for a someone that you’re interesting SB: I think so, I don’t know if I JY: when you find you’ve been little while, it wasn’t fake, it just you know I guess it’s what the answered it, but I mean I think blocked do you get angry or like didn’t have my face , I didn’t profile is for like I said I have online is real life now you lonely or really talk to people I was just one photo and I think it says know? I think that like gay SB: I get sad cause that’s some- using it, I moved here, I was like three words so I haven’t people especially I imagine are thing you can’t do in real life just using it to see who was in really put the effort in so people getting less and less likely to JY: yeah block someone town like if I was out who is gay usually don’t swipe right meet in person SB: you can ignore someone but just so I could like you know JY: so um tinder you need to put JY: really? you can’t completely prevent know if there was someone I more effort on it? SB: and more and more likely to them from looking at you or could talk to or whatever SB: I think so, meet online, like I haven’t made talking to you or you know JY: so what other apps are you JY: like it means you’re more seri- - there are people I have dated getting a chance to using? ous in person but - I have never JY: it’s the power of the internet SB: I don’t use scruff very often it’s SB: there’s what? hooked up with somebody just SB: it’s weird, yeah it’s weird usually just grindr JY: you’re more serious about the by randomly meeting them (16:28) JY: just grindr relationship or something they’ve all been pre-arranged JY: When was the last time you felt SB: people don’t talk to me on SB: I guess so yeah online. I think that it’s really...I lonely? scruff JY: Okay thank you 02:11 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:12 02:33 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:34

#04 Malachai April 8, 2018 JY: So when is the last time you work], and I think about it, and quells the loneliness in a way. MA: It’s very possible because it use Grindr? I’ll be sitting in my room, just Even if I was just by myself and doesn’t really end the loneli- MA: Well, (long pause) everyday kind of sit there and watch TV missing him, he was still there ness it just masks it. Yeah, kind actually. lonely. (pats chest where the heart is). of hides it, for myself; I can pre- JY: Everyday? JY: Do you think that everyone’s And then we broke up, well, tend. Some people drink to stop MA: Mhmm. ‘lonely’ different? he broke up with me: rejection the loneliness, some people do JY: So what are you looking for MA: Yeah, I think it has to be. again. So that just threw me drugs, some people go online [here]? Because it’s a very personal into this deep [4:43] of loneli- to just chat with people. MA: Well, ultimately a husband; but I emotion, so different people ness, mixed with depression JY: Do you think that in that way, know that’s not the place to find feel lonely for different reasons. from rejection. I’m over that drugs and Grindr are similar? [him], so whatever, you know. Different people combat their now, he was a dick, obviously. MA: In a way. Although you can’t Just whatever. Most of the loneliness in different ways. To [pass of] something like this. really overdose on Grindr, so time I just use it to see what’s JY: About loneliness: do you feel I’m over that now, but I’m alone. maybe that’s a little bit healthier out there and have somebody like that there’s a difference My family— my parents still than doing drugs. to talk to ‘cause just sitting in between feeling lonely in the live in Florida, my sister lives in JY: Have you ever deleted it be- my room and watching TV get real world and feeling lonely in other places with her beautiful fore? boring. And I have friends but the online world? husband and beautiful family MA: Oh yeah, like every time I actu- either they’re busy or they live MA: Yeah, I guess so. Because in and beautiful lives, so I don’t ally find a boyfriend that means out of state, so I don’t really go the real world it’s just kinda a really see them that much. something to me. ‘Cause I don’t out very much. constant ‘lonely’, you know? JY: Do you really think that one day need it. JY: So is Grindr the place [you’d And then, when I get on Grindr you’ll get rid of this loneliness? JY: Why did you redownload it look] for friends? and talk to somebody, it makes MA: I have faith that true love exists. again? MA: Well, for whatever, you know. me a little bit less lonely. But And I would like it to happen to MA: Because he would no longer be Just wanted somebody to talk when I say “hi” to guys and they me, I’d like to find that special there, and I’ll be back to being to. And if that clicks, and it turns ignore me, then it’s even worse someone, but as the years go lonely again. out that we want to go on a because it adds rejection to the by I’m starting to lose faith, JY: And you have to move on? date or something, I’d be down whole loneliness. not in true love but that it will MA: Yeah. for that. Oh, I’m kind of picky so JY: So some part of “online lone- happen to me—actually, lasts, JY: Do you think Grindr is the right that doesn’t happen often. liness” comes from the online ‘cause true love never dies. So place to cure loneliness? JY: Do you feel lonely? rejection? if you’re in love with some- MA: The right place? Probably not, MA: Like, in general? MA: Yeah. That would make it body, and you don’t love them but it’s easy. ‘Cause I can just JY: Mhmm. worse. But, you know, not anymore, it was never true love pick up my phone and do it. MA: Yeah, kind of. to the point where it’s like, in the first place. So I felt true I’m not really—I used to go JY: When is the last time you feel depressingly worse. I’d just love, it was with every boyfriend out a lot when I was younger, lonely? be like “eugh,... alright fine, I ever had, but with the ones but I don’t go to gay clubs are MA: (sighs) Well it’s hard to say next”. There’s an underlying that break up with me, I feel like even straight bars or anything because I’m so used to it now, loneliness that’s there. But, I they never felt true love. I’ve anymore. I’m much more of a and it kind of—I mean I’m not mean—the last boyfriend I had, never had that coming in my homebody, sort of introverted— lonely when I have work, when it was about a year ago, and we direction. well, I wouldn’t say introverted, I’m busy and I have all of the lived together and we actually JY: So when you’re on Grindr, do but I would prefer to have work friends and everything; were engaged, so I wasn’t you feel like the loneliness friends over, or boy over just to they’re there, but they’re just lonely at all. And even when he there in some way can help you cuddle on the couch and watch work friends. They’re not hang- wasn’t around, I knew that he remove a really ---6:47--- the TV and have some beers in out friends. But when I’m [off was in my heart. So that kind of loneliness to you? the house rather than go out 02:35 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:36

and be in town. So Grindr is, means that people would talk it is hard to meet another gay JY: What’s his name? like I said, easier, but I don’t to me for me, and not because guy, because there’s less out MA: Metix. M-E-T-I-X. So I guess, have many other option, unless they want a sugar daddy and there. Straight people can just he’s in my heart, but it’s not I want to go to Carytown and, they’re 19 and I’m gonna be meet each other, gay people quite the same. like, “Whoo!” about tonight, their sugar daddy or they don’t have to seek out specifically a JY: Do you think it’s because he’s which I don’t do anymore. talk to me because they don’t gay person, like if I were to go someone who [loves] you for JY: Do you think the internet cre- want to talk to people over 25. to a grocery store or something you? Someone never rejects ates more loneliness or gets rid This is stupid, you know? A and see a cute boy, I wouldn’t you, is that why you feel [he’s of it? conversation is a conversation, go up to him and hit on him, better than the boyfriends]? MA: Well the internet, I love the I don’t care how old you are. because he’s probably straight. MA: Yeah, I think so. Many other internet, not just for Grindr but JY: What is your Grindr profile However, if I were straight and reasons. ‘Cause he’s fun and where I get my news; from BBC picture? Talk about it. I saw a woman, I’d more apt to he’s sweet and adorable, I’m website and other new sites, I MA: It’s just me. hit on her because she’s prob- a dog person anyway. Yeah, just love reading and research- JY: Why did you choose that pic- ably straight too. The chances it’s much better to come home ing. So when there’s nothing ture? of coming across another gay from work and having your dog on TV, or whatever, there’s MA: Because I hate the way I look in man are much smaller than jump up on you and lick on always the internet to stimulate pictures and that’s the one that coming across a straight man, you because he’s happy to see my brain. Because there’s no I hate the least. I don’t think I so I think it is hard in that you ‘cause you’ve been gone one in my heart, and I’m not in take pictures really well. aspect because it is hard to find forever and ever and ever. And somebody else’s heart. And I’m JY: Do you think Grindr profile somebody. Not that it’s more he’s probably lonely when I’m looking for a boyfriend or any- pictures are important? lonely or less lonely than, but not home. It’s so much better thing because I know that if you MA: Probably. If someone without a I think it’s more likely you’d be to have that to come home to look for it, you’re never gonna picture talks to me, I’d ask for lonely if you’re gay. nothing and silence and no one find it. As time goes by, and the one, because I like to see the JY: What do you do when you feel comes up to you and says they older I get, the lonelier I get. person I’m talking to. Talking lonely? miss you. JY: How old are you? to someone without a picture MA: If I were home, I’d binge-watch JY: And When did you start using MA: I’m 44. is like talking to a dark room. Netflix. It’d give me something Grindr? JY: Do you think part of your loneli- And again, what they look like to take my mind off of it. MA: For the longest time I didn’t ness [correlates] to your age? doesn’t matter for conversa- JY: You have a dog, is it because have a smartphone, because MA: I think it increases, because I’m tions, it’s just a pallette kind of you want the companionship I’m not very technologically getting older and still there’s thing. Why do you have to hide from him? intelligent. Computers: I know nobody here (pats chest where your face, are you ashamed MA: Well that’s not that I have nothing about computers. the heart is). of being on Grindr? ‘Cause it’s him, I inherited him. He is my And so I have this little flip JY: Do you [include] your age on not like people are going on roommate’s. Long story short, phone, and it did everything Grindr? Grindr to find you and out you my roommate went to jail, so that it needed to do, which MA: No. Because gay men are so to the world. I feel like if you all of the sudden I’m left with was [calling people and texting judgemental. And for some don’t show your picture you’re this dog. Metix and I got along people and having voicemail; reasons age is so important paranoid about something. I really well from the beginning, literally all I’d use a phone for. to being young and pretty and don’t know, maybe not. and so when David went to jail It was the year I was living with cute. I don’t care, as long as JY: Do you think queer loneliness is I was like, sure, I’ll keep the Jonathan, I guess it was three there’s a connection age and I different than straight loneli- dog. And since then, he’s been years ago, he convinced me to find someone attractive doesn’t ness? better than any boyfriend I’d go and get a smartphone. And I matter to me. So I just figured MA: I’ve never thought about it, but I ever had, as far as like being a knew about Grindr because my not putting my age on there suppose it’s possible. Because constant. friend in Chicago was telling me 02:37 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:38

about it, so I knew what it was. seen him walking down the JY: How do you feel about your MA: Mhmm. I have been, and I have So I got a smartphone and filled street I wouldn’t know that he’s loneliness now, how do you had boyfriends so I might very it out with apps, or whatever. gay. deal with it? well get another one. I want And after he abandoned me JY: So Grindr is like a filter to help MA: Well I accepted it, but I don’t the one that will stay. Having also I downloaded it to see you to know who is the gay guy really welcome it. I don’t want a boyfriend for a year and what’s it all about and see if I you can say hi to. to be lonely, I would love to then breaking up, yeah great, can replace Jonathan, I guess. MA: Yeah kind of. Like if you’re on have somebody in my life that I mean, you had a year and JY: How do you know gay people Grindr and you’re straight, what have the potential being my last you had some good memories before Grindr, before the inter- even is the point of that. So I boyfriend. Ideally I’d want to but— Even if you break up and net? guess it opens up the possibil- find someone that gives me a it’s not a bad breakup, if it’s just MA:  There’s this internet site I’d go ity a lot more. Which I think is reason to delete Grindr. a mutual parting and you’re still to: Adam for Adam, or okcupid. probably everybody is on there, JY: Forever? friends or whatever, you’re still Things like that. to start off at least. A lot of guys single again, lonely. JY: And before the internet? go on Grindr just to find cheap MA: Oh, I didn’t. My very first boy- sex. That doesn’t necessarily friend was when I was 18, and make them lonely but—I think he was 17. I guess that was at least half of them, looking for when the internet was first com- long-term-relationship-oriented ing out, AOL and all that, but I and blah blah blah, they’re didn’t use it for that. He and I probably on there because would go out to club [Name] in they’re lonely too. And they’re DC, it’s a gay club, every Sat- looking for someone to fill their urday night and we just make heart. friends because we’re around JY: Do you believe that sex can them. This was back when I help you relieve loneliness? was more extroverted and not MA: For that night, yeah. a homebody like I am now. We JY: After that night, do you feel would go out and meet people more lonely? that way. But really it was the MA: No, because, I mean I don’t only way back then, just go up hook up that much. I have, I to people and say “hey, are you won’t lie, I have, and I may gay? ‘Cause you’re cute”, and again, but you know. But when get your ass beat. I did I went into it knowing that JY: Is meeting gay people in the it’s not gonna be anything other real world different than it is than just sex. I mean something online? could grow from that like: it was MA: Oh yeah, it’s a lot easier to amazing sex and you wanted to use Grindr and plentyoffish or hang out and found the connec- something like that. tion and there’s a possibility of JY: Why? something growing from it but MA: Because there’s more access. I don’t go into it with the hope I can meet someone who lives that it’s gonna Because if I did across town I wouldn’t normally that, and it didn’t work, which run into. Even if I did, if I had would be most of the time, 02:11 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:12 02:41 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:42

#05 James April 12, 2018 JY: Are you lonely? really lonely. know, what’s the word, we’ll persona are just scared, out JA: Yeah! I would definitely say JY: How do you feel about people call it [persistent]—but they’d of fear to face themself in the I’m lonely. But, we’ll see it; like blocking you? message and tap me and for mirror. But with me, nothing --- I was ---0:20--- lonely without JA: If they’re not interested in me, hours and I’d say “I’m sorry, I’m 7:00---, I know I’m not perfect, Grindr in some ways. then I’d tell them to just block not interested”, and sometimes and I try not to put myself as JY: Have you talked about your me, ‘cause now they’re just --- if they don’t quit, I’d resort to the perfect person. I can be loneliness with other people 3:06---. I’ve had plenty people blocking them. “Just because I really sarcastic and mean, and before? who said they’re not interested don’t want to talk to you, sorry.” some people don’t like that. I JA: Mhmm, yeah. in me, like in any way, and they JY: Do you think the loneliness in try to be as honest as possible JY: How do you feel talking about don’t block me, then get upset real life and the loneliness on- with people I talk to on Grindr. your loneliness with different at me when I mute-message line are different, or the same? JY: When is the last time you feel people? Are you comfortable them, ‘cause I may lose my JA: I feel less lonely in real life. lonely? with it? messages, and I may ---3:17- Just mundane, daily life: I have JA: The last time I truly feel lonely JA: I’m comfortable with it! (pause) -- have a profile picture, or they housemates that I live with; we is probably this last Saturday. I’m more comfortable with may not have a profile picture. cook each other dinner and Not because of Grindr or any- discussing my loneliness than So sometimes I’m okay with we eat together, we do a lot of thing, but my housemates had other people. It’s just ‘cause I’m people blocking me, but then things together. And so when their friends over from college used to it and there are a lot there are times when— after I work at a school, I don’t feel and one had her girlfriend over of people who are lonely, and the dates, or something like lonely ---5:26---. When I’m by and they were spending so so— that, and they’d delete me or myself and I’m reminded that I much time with each other, I JY: What do you do on Grindr? Just block me, and I feel like it’s don’t have a boyfriend or some- was just left by myself in my talking, or—? really mature: you’re willing one that I’m dating and so I do room and I just felt very lonely; JA: I talk, I casually meet up with to meet me and—I was very get lonely in those moments. kind of felt like an outsider in people, maybe at a bar, or a upfront [about blocking] and Grindr does sometimes remind that moment. My major reaction restaurant, and we talk in per- everything, so no surprise. me of that. But then Grindr also was just to get onto Grindr just son. Or we’ll take a long walk JY: Have you blocked other people tells me that hey, maybe I can to have someone to talk to. I down to the river, stuff like that. before? go on a date with one of these can totally find someone, [just] JY: Does Grindr relieve your loneli- JA: Yes. guys. not enough to to talk to about ness, or does it generate more JY: Do you feel guilty about it, JY: Do you think the internet gener- video games or movies or loneliness? or—? ates more loneliness? shows that they like and stuff JA: I would say a little bit of both? JA: Sometimes. But other times, JA: Yes. like that. There are some days where no, just because the times I’ve JY: [Then why do they still use it?] JY: How often do you meet people? people who I talk to on a reg- blocked people is when they JA: I feel like the reason why JA: Not a lot. I’ve honestly maybe ular basis go offline or delete are asking for money. I’ve had the internet generates more met, out of two years of being [their] account, and I feel more a few people asking “hey, if you loneliness and people still on Grindr—I probably have met lonely— because I had started give me four dollars I’d sleep use it is they’re scared to face five or six people in real life, to develop a relationship with with you.” And it’s a no-zone reality, I guess? Online you can maybe even less. them, not in a romantic way so I block people. Or, if they’re make yourself to be a different JY: So most of [the interactions but like a friend, but they just married, like older men who type of person: you could be a with them] were just talking disappear, and it’s really lonely. are married and they’re asking really terrible person in real life online? Or when you go on a date, and me to sleep with them and I’m and you can make yourself on JA: [Most times are like] “come after the date they delete you or like “no”. So, block. Or it’s just Grindr look like a kind, sweet over and sleep with me” and block you, you know, like when people who I’m really not inter- person, even if in reality you’re I’m just really like “no, I just you’re ghosted, I definitely feel ested in and they get—I don’t not. And so people build this want to be friends”. I’ve had a 02:43 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:44

few guys I met on Grindr who— music and talk to someone. For JY: Do you think part of your lone- in meant to be a relationship, we’d just sit and talk. Not in a me sometimes it’s fun just to liness is from the pressure that not so much with a husband or sexual way, but just make jokes talk to people and see why they you tried to get more attention whatever, but just like friends. and just different things, like have a Grindr, stuff like that. from other people? I think when you’re lonely you play video games. JY: You mentioned that you stay JA: Possibly. I’m also a very intro- lose touch of yourself and JY: Have you ever deleted Grindr here with big people; do you verted person, so I really like everything around you. I think before? think that within the gay com- being alone. Sometimes it’s that’s what makes it unhealthy: JA: Yes. Approximately three munity, being big is—? just hard for me to get people’s just being lonely all the time. times? JA: I used to think that, for a very attention, so I guess I try to put JY: Going back to Grindr and being JY: Why? long time. ‘Cause everyone I myself out there sometimes. online: when you’re on Grindr JA: Just because— The first time would see within the gay com- Just to get people to notice me. you see all of these people was probably when I moved munity are muscular or very But in those moments, trying ‘around’ you, and we see the back home from college. I thin or [has] really toned body to hard would make people an- distance that’s so close, then lived in a very rural area, and and when I started receiving noyed so I’d try to act normal. why do we still feel so lonely? because I’m not out with my messages from people who JY: What do you usually eat when Why do feel lonely even when family, I didn’t want my family to were around my age—thinner you’re alone? we’re with a lot of people? find out without me being ready and smaller—saying that I was JA: I really don’t eat. I don’t eat a JA: I think we feel so lonely even to tell them. And I deleted then very attractive and handsome, lot. I may have a snack or two when we’re around other people but after a while I [installed it] and I’m like “okay, maybe it’s throughout the day but I only because we don’t take the time but I took off my picture, just not the fact that I’m big, maybe try to eat breakfast or supper. I to build relationships or bond to—not because I wanted to it’s more because some people just eat two times a day. I drink with people. We don’t take the talk to people, but because I like big people, some people a lot, not alcohol but juice and time to treat friends like family was curious about who has don’t like big people”. My two water or soda or stuff like that. sometimes. For me, I have a Grindr in my area. Then when I boyfriends I’ve had my first So when I say I’m eating I’m small group of 3 or 4 people was dating a [boy] here in Rich- boyfriend in high school is very actually drinking a huge thing of that I’m really close to, I make mond, I also deleted it, and just small, like, very thin. He was water, or something like that. time to talk to them everyday. have that app removed from my the same height as me, but he JY: Someone told me if they get I think people don’t have that phone for a while, without delet- was very thin, and we dated. lonely they’d eat pizza by them- sometimes. I think that’s why ing my account. There’s been My last boyfriend, he was very selves, or a big hamburger, or we always feel so lonely. At a few times where I deleted my small and he was into bigger unhealthy foods. least living here in America, I account. guy so. After experiencing that, JA: If I do, it’d be more like crackers think we don’t give relationships JY: Why did you downloaded it I just got over-self conscious or chips or something. For me, time, we’re always doing some- again? about being a bigger per- I [don’t tend to] go out and buy thing. We’re never simply just JA: Mmm… boredom? I guess be- son—’cause I used to not put pizza all the time. talking with people, in person cause I get bored really easily, my weight on Grindr—if I did JY: Do you think being lonely is an or face-to-face. I think Grindr and now I do it to make friends earlier on I would make myself unhealthy thing? can be good to help to [adjust] but also because I’m bored and seem smaller. I would just put JA: I think long-term loneliness that if you use it to meet up with it gives me something to do. a smaller weight down, without is unhealthy. Everyone goes people and go on dates and And it fills up my time when I’m being too obvious. So: I was through modes where they feel actually talk face to face. I think not at work and don’t have any 300 lbs in college, and I would lonely, a few times even within it’s those moments where peo- housework to do. I can just go say I’m 250 lbs. But after a a day sometimes. But feeling ple’s longing can be relieved. on a walk or sit at the desk and while I just got bored with I’m lonely all the time, I think is un- JY: Do you think there’s a differ- read Grindr messages and find a bigger person, and I accept healthy. I don’t really believe in ence between queer loneliness someone to talk to, or listen to that. That’s their problem. soulmates but I think everybody and straight loneliness? 02:45 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:12

JA: Sometimes I think so, but I one really can fit those stereo- don’t think there’s a much types. I feel like people just difference between straight want to fit those stereotypes and queer. We’re both groups and when they can’t they’d of people who want to find feel depressed and they’d get love, and we have all of these lonely. expectations: “you must be JY: Do you think one day they can short”, “you must be this tall”, get rid of this loneliness? “you must be tanned” or “you JA: I hope so. I don’t expect to must be pale”, “you must have get married. I think that once I perfect teeth/perfect hair”. I eventually get rid of my loneli- feel like those expectations are ness, either through really close fair and natural and [because] friendships or finding a place people think that they’re not where I can belong to, stuff like perfect, they just feel alone in that. I think I’ll eventually get that moment. When I re- rid of this loneliness. I mean ceive— guys on Grindr who are there’s probably days where muscled and thin and [no] body I’d feel lonely, but I think I’d not hair—that’s the stereotypes have perpetual moments where presented for men to be. No I feel like “I’m always lonely”.

02:47 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:48

#06 Wei April 17, 2018 JY: When was the last time you I’ve used apps, a Chinese ver- being with someone or just just browsing Instagram, you use Grindr? sion of Grindr, I think it’s both relationship in general I feel like feel lonely or bored or weird, WE: Today. based on Grindr and Jack’d, I’m lonely sometimes. but the next moment you lock JY: Why you use it? another gay dating app. I think JY: Do you feel more lonely when your phone and go back to your WE: Sometimes I feel like I check based on the users, LGBT you’re using Grindr? actual life, your life are filled up out Grindr out of a certain rea- community, especially gay WE: Umm.. a lot of the times when with all the tasks you are doing. son, because I have the habit people, they are pretty similar I’m using Grindr I am not think- So in my opinion online relation- of... when I bored I just unlock because some people choose ing about using it. In that sense ship or friendship feels virtual in my phone and just randomly to use their face as their profile I feel like I’m not very lonely. some ways. open apps. So sometimes picture and some people do But sometimes when I’m bored JY: So you thinkit would be better opening Grindr on my phone not. I think all the conversations or using Grindr when I’m not to meet up in person instead of is almost like a reaction I don’t on those apps are basically doinganything else, and I talk to just chatting online? even think about. I randomly based on people talking to people and they’re not reaching WE: This is actually a trick question click it and close it. people with profile pic or people back to me, I feel a sense of for me because I actually enjoy JY: Do you think Grindr is part of talking to people without profile loneliness. talking to people online first your life? pic and all that, and the conver- JY: So part of the loneliness comes out of several reasons. First, WE: I think it is because I actually sation always starts from “Do from rejection. as a foreigner here English is got to know some people and you want to exchange pics?” or WE: Yes, especially as an Asian not my first language, I actually even one or two become my “Do we want to remain faceless queer person here. I feel like feel more comfortable talking to friends from Grindr so.. I don’t for a second?” So almost all people have strong stereotypes people online because I have get to know a lot of people the conversations start from towards Asian people, either time to think what message I here, so I think Grindr actually this and then grow from this, they’re super into Asians, like should input or I can even like is a part of my life. so yeah, no matter what kind yellow fever, or they are not go back and revise my gram- JY: What are you looking for on of app it is, a Chinse app or into Asians at all. So yeah. mar mistakes or what I’m trying Grindr? American app, they’re all kind JY: Do you feel the loneliness is to say. And I’m not a super WE: Umm.. on Grindr, basically of similar in a way. different in the online world and introvert person, but sometimes everything, yeah. JY: Do you feel lonely? in real life? I still get nervous especially JY: When did you start using it? WE: Umm.. actually as a very busy WE: I think it is different, because using a second language to WE: Umm.. I think.. I’m an inter- student I seldom feel lonely the whole relationship or talk with people or meet with national student, I think even now because there are so friendship built online and in new people, so I do enjoy the before I came to America I many projects I have to do I real life are so different, I can process of talking to people on- knew about this app and I don’t even have time to think sense that, but right now I don’t line first. But also, sometimes I downloaded on my phone, but about loneliness. But yeah, for know what exactly makes them wish, because a lot of the times there weren’t a lot of people me I can say I almost I’ve never different. I think online relation- I want to meet queer people in using this app from my home had an actual relationship ship or friendship is virtual and actual life because it feels more country. before ever in my life. So I’m sometimes feels unreal if you real. And sometimes some JY: Have you deleted it before? always imagining my “perfect” have friends made just from people talk to you online, they WE: No, never actually. relationship or if I’m with some- Internet and they’re very differ- feel like bored or I don’t even JY: Yeah, because this is part of one what it would be like. So I ent from the friend you know know what reason, they can just your life you can’t live without. still feel like there’s a part of my from real life. Sometime the block you, and that connection There are other apps. How do life that is incomplete. Because loneliness you get from Internet will disappear in a second. So it you use dating apps in China? I have friends who I talk to almost feel unreal, too. It’s like, feels like very.. not secured. So Is it different than here? everyday, so in that sense I’m maybe sometimes you talk to it’s like 50/50. WE: Umm.. I think it is pretty similar. not lonely, but thinking about people on Grindr, or you’re JY: You mentioned about block, I think block is an very interest- 02:49 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:50

ing, it has such a strong power, want to talk to you but they try everyday, I’ll make sure I get a WE: Right now my life is pretty busy you can only get in online to be nice and still talking to lot of snacks from supermar- with my school life, so I’m okay world. Because you can’t block you.. eventually it’s going to ket. Usually I’ll eat all kinds of with loneliness because I don’t people in real life. happen. They will block you. So snacks, like chips, cookies, ice really have time to think about JY: Have you blocked people be- it’s better to block you instantly creams, whatever. it. But yeah, maybe if I get more fore? or in the beginning stages than JY: So you’re trying to eat healthy time when the school is over WE: Yeah, I did. after. when you’re lonely? during summer or winter break I JY: Why did you block them? JY: Gotcha. Do you think the Inter- WE: I think I usually just eat healthy might feel more lonely. WE: I try to be nice and modest net helps you to relieve your in general. When I’m lonely JY: So maybe it’s better for us to when using an app. I would say loneliness or it generates more I don’t feel like I need to eat accept loneliness. compare to some people who loneliness? healthier or trashier food, basi- WE: Yes. I’m a very positive per- block people all the time, I try to WE: I think it’s both. I’m a very cally I just make myself full. son. I believe everything has not block people. But sometime contradictory person. I think JY: Do you think one day you will its benefits. So I would say everyone turns a bit more im- why it relieve my loneliness is get rid of loneliness totally? embrace loneliness, because patient.. because it’s so easy to even if I am physically alone WE: I don’t think so, I think you will you can do a lot with it, you can block, it’s just a button but it is in my room, or haven’t seen feel lonely throughout your enjoy a movie by yourself when very powerful. Sometimes you anyone that day, I could still talk whole life, but I don’t think you’re lonely, or you can even don’t realize how powerful it is. to people or even just look at this is a very negative thing, create some art if you’re an art The reason why I block some other random stuff online to kill because I imagine one day I student. So definitely I think it’s people mainly because I didn’t the time. In this sense I feel I’m got married with someone or a good thing. want to talk to them anymore not lonely because my mind is have a family of some sort, JY: WNice ending. Thank you so and I tried to be nice at least, filled up with something else. my life is happy and full and I much. but they were probably still But sometimes, a lot of the have a lot of things to do, I can WE: Thank you. harassing me or even throwing times I think people will feel the still feel lonely. It could be very out bad words, and that makes same way after this process, random, maybe you’re having me uncomfortable, so if I tried you feel even more emptier and a really great day, you’ve done and they’re still acting weird or lonelier, because you feel like all those things, then you got acting rude, I’ll block them. you wasted your time or you’re five minutes alone time, and JY: How do you feel if someone not actually interact with people you’re thinking about some- blocks you? in real life. It feels like eating thing or even nothing. There WE: I feel very sad at first when food. You ate a lot, then you’re will probably be just a moment I first got blocked by certain full physically, but you still feel you’ll suddenly feel lonely. I feel people. I even tried to create empty, because some of your people’s emotions are not very another account and tracked needs are not satisfied. stable. I’m not saying we’re them down and asked them JY: What do you usually eat when all crazy, but there are some why did you block me. But now you’re alone? moments random emotions or when someone blocks me I can WE: So I know a lot of people will memories will occur and you’ll actually think in their shoes. eat trash food, but me, as an in- feel something else. So I bet in Maybe they’re just busy, maybe ternational student here, I’m too the future no matter what kind they just don’t want to talk to lazy to get out and buy food, of life I will be having I’ll proba- you anymore. Sometimes I feel usually I’ll just make food from bly feel lonely sometimes. like they block you because the materials I get once a week JY: How do you feel like your cur- they don’t want to hurt you. from the supermarket. Since I rent situation about loneliness? Are Because if they don’t really basically make the same food you okay with it? 02:11 Onlone Interview Onlone Interview 02:12 02:53 Onlone Bibliography

01 Richard Dodwel. 05 Kevin Bewersdorf, 10 Brown & Weiser, Not here. A queer an- Spirit Surfing The Coming Age of thology of loneliness. LINK editions Calm Technology Pilot Press, 2017 Brescia, 2012 Xerox PARC October 5, 1996 02 Constant Dullaart, 06 Susan Orlean Balconism Man and Machine: 11 Maciej Cegłowski, Art Papers http://art- Playing games on The Website Obesity papers.org/feature_ar- the Internet. Crisis ticles.html The New Yorker, http://idlewords.com/ March 2014 February, 2014 website_obesity.htm 2015 03 Marisa Olson, 07 Miltos Manetas, On the Internet, No In My Computer 12 Anthony Dunne & One Knows You’re a LINK Editions, Fiona Raby Doghouse Brescia, May 2011 Design Noir, The e-flux Architecture Placebo Project December 05, 2017. 08 Turkle, Sherry. Birkhauser, 2001 Alone together: why 04 Jessica L. James, we expect more from 13 Susan Orlean Mobile Dating in The technology and less Man and Machine: Digital Age from each other. Playing games on the Texas State University New York:Basic Internet. May, 2015. Books, 2017. The New Yorker, 2014

05 Jack Turban 09 Miltos Manetas, 14 Gene McHugh, We need to talk about In My Computer Post Internet how Grindr is affecting LINK Editions, LINK editions gay’s mental health Brescia, May 2011 Brescia, May 2011 May, 2015. 00:01 Onlone Discussion