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FRIDAY MAY 14TH 2010 THE INDEPENDENT STUDENT NE SPAPER SINCE 1947 ISSUE NO 718 | VARSITY.CO.UK CAMBRIDGE HUMANITARIAN CENTRE 6 Tabs in Suicide Sunday Cameron’s faces police cabinet clampdown O AA IDDII Six out of 22 of David Cameron’s new cabinet members are Cam- bridge alumni. Author t es to restr ct ‘ rrespons ble’ Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime dr nks o ers Minister, read Social Anthropol- ogy at Robinson. During his time at a person’s mouth, thereby banning Cambridge, Clegg reportedly acted IZAT IGG the popular drinking game known as alongside Helena Bonham Carter ‘dentist’s chair’, a traditional fi xture and Sam Mendes. Cambridge end-of-term drinking at Suicide Sunday events all over Clegg is also said to have been parties are facing a potential police Cambridge. a member of the Cambridge Uni- clampdown after a series of drunken Peter Sinclair, Cambridgeshire versity Conservative Association incidents last year. Police’s Licensing Offi cer, cautioned (CUCA) . Cambridge police have issued students to be practice responsible Also involved with CUCA during direct warnings to organisers of drinking and keep their personal his time here was Ken Clarke, the undergraduate drinking societies safety in mind. Justice Secretary, who served as and other student events that they According to PC Sinclair, “Clearly chairman of the society. Clarke read could risk breaking the law. this is a time of celebration for stu- Law at Gonville & Caius, and was The warning comes on the eve of dents and the chance to let their also elected president of the Cam- the Cambridge May Ball and Garden hair down.” However, he added that bridge Union. Party season, including the infa- “they need to be mindful of dangers On the other end of the politi- mous ‘Suicide Sunday’, the Sunday of excessive consumption and the cal spectrum was Vince Cable, who immediately following the end of Full harm that can result.” was president-elect of the Cam- Term, when a large number of drink- Student reactions to the new licens- bridge University Liberal Club. ing events are planned. ing rules were mixed. According to Cable, the Business Secretary, read The warning also comes amidst one member of the Cheerleaders’ Natural Sciences and Economics at increasing alarm over post-exam stu- Drinking Society, “I can understand Fitzwilliam. dent behaviour. that it’s really irritating for the local Other Cambridge alumni on the At the 2008 Wyverns Garden people, but at the same time we cabinet include David Laws, Chief Party, an event run by Magdalene’s behave really well all year, and Sui- Secretary to the Treasury, who drinking society the Wyverns, a stu- cide Sunday is the one day of the year read Economics at King’s, Andrew dent was cautioned for assault after when we drink as much as they do at Mitchell, Secretary of International allegedly punching a fellow student other universities.” Development, who read History on the nose. A Queens’ second-year felt that at Jesus, and Francis Maude, the This year, police and local busi- students were being targeted Cabinet Offi ce Minister, who was at nesses are working together to deal unfairly. “It just seems like students Corpus Christi. proactively with binge drinking and are always being blamed,” she said. In contrast, ten cabinet members anti-social behaviour. A Trinity student was more sym- Huppert elected as Cambrdge MP attended Oxford. New licensing rules have been in pathetic to the new restrictions: aroness Shirley Williams, a founder of the Social Democratic Party effect since April 6th, restricting “Students have a bizarre attitude to Band leader of the Liberal Democrats in the House of Lords from 2001 > certain drinking games and “irre- alcohol. I would drink a whole bottle to 2004, joined Julian Huppert for a visit to the Cambridge Humanitar- Commentp6 9 sponsible” drink promotions. of wine at formal, but I realise that ian Centre on April 29th. Baroness Williams and Huppert are pictured 1 In particular, the police are aiming that’s excessive drinking, which is Underrated above with Ian Steed (right), manager of the centre. A week later, Hup- 2 0 to target offers which, in their words, essentially a socially acceptable form Gordon 0 pert was elected MP for Cambridge, retaining the seat for the Lib Dems 4 promise “all you can drink for so of self-harm. 4 with 39.1 per cent of the vote. Conservative candidate Nick Hillman Brown 4 many pounds, discounted student “What we drink and what the gov- came in second with 25.6 per cent, pushing Labour’s Daniel Zeichner into 8 5 nights, drink four pints and get a fi fth ernment recommends is so far apart, 7

a close third place with a 24.3 per cent of the vote. Huppert greeted his 1 pint free, and so on.” and the police and the NHS have to 7 victory by saying, “It’s a very great honour to be given the chance to rep- 7

The new restrictions also pro- deal with the consequences of alco- 9 resent Cambridge at Westminster.” OSCAR WILLIAMS GRUT hibit pouring alcohol directly into hol, which isn’t fair on them.” 2 Friday May 14th 2010 News Editors: Charlotte Runcie & Osama Siddiqui NEwS www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Breast cancer could be Murray Edwards is Corpus manuscript Sainsbury’s set to most hygienic College library goes digital close tomorrow until genetic, say Cam scientists Thursday Murray Edwards College has been The entirety of Corpus Christi’s are associated with risk. It is not the awarded the Five Star rating for Parker Library of Anglo-Saxon Regular patrons of Sainsbury’s cathy bueker whole picture but it will contribute Food Hygeine in Cambridge City manuscripts has been digitised and might find themselves at a loss for ultimately to genetic profiling of risk. Council’s annual Scores on the Door made available to the public online food options when the store closes A team of University of Cambridge It also contributes to our understand- campaign. The College also received for the first time. The collection, tomorrow for a five-day renovation. scientists, led by Dr Douglas Easton, ing of why the disease develops and a Five Star ranking last year. which dates from the sixth century The Sidney Street location, which is has discovered five new genetic will lead to a better understanding of The Five Star rating is the to the sixteenth, was compiled a regular haunt for hungry students factors associated with one’s risk of the biology of the disease.” highest possible, and is by Matthew Parker, the all over Cambridge, has been under- developing breast cancer. Women with a distinct family awarded on the basis Archbishop of Canterbury going renovation for the last several The study, which was published in history of this cancer already undergo of three critera: between 1559 and 1575, weeks. The process now seems to the journal Nature Genetics, is the early screening for tumours, and are hygeine, structure, an alumnus and Fellow have entered its final stretch, with largest of its kind to date and was also currently eligible for genetic tests and confidence of the College. a planned closing on Saturday May funded by Cancer Research UK. if one of their close family members in management. The website, which 15th. The store’s new look will be By scanning the entire genetic has or has had breast cancer. Murray Edwards was built by the College unveiled on Thursday May 20th. makeup of approximately 4,000 However, the eighteen genetic attained the highest in conjunction with the Several students expressed alarm British patients with a family history variations, including the newly identi- level in all three University Library and at the closing. One first-year of breast cancer, then studying the fied five, are not currently screened categories. Stanford University, hosts lamented, “I don’t know what I’m DNA of a further 24,000 thousand for, and are considered accountable The rating comes at 200,000 individual pages from going to do for five days! I practi- women with and without the disease, for roughly eight percent of all breast a time when Colleges are the manuscripts and books. cally live on Sainsbury’s.” the researchers were able to identify cancer cases. about to enter conference season. The collection of some 550 five locations associated with a Members of the breast cancer With no shortage of venues in manuscripts represents some of the greater likelihood of breast cancer research community hailed the Cambridge catering to weddings most important Anglo-Saxon texts history in close relatives and within discovery as an important break- and conferences, ratings such as this in the world, and includes the St a family. through. “This research takes us a can provide a welcome boost. The Augustine Gospels from the sixth This brings to eighteen the number step closer to developing a powerful College website had already adver- century, the Anglo-Saxon Chroni- of identified ‘spots’ of common genetic test for the disease,” said Dr tised the rating on its website. cles, and writings by the Venerable genome variations linked to a higher Helen George, head of science infor- According to one Murray Edwards Bede. breast cancer risk. mation at Cancer Research UK. student, “This is great news. I’m so Parker Library on the Web was According to Dr Easton, “We know 45,500 new cases of breast cancer proud of my College, and it makes launched on April 27th at http:// for sure that these gene variations are diagnosed every year. me want to go hall even more.” parkerweb.stanford.edu. Caius JCR inches towards hall reform TK Maxx moves into Fellows agree to meet with students after email campaign Borders’ old shop

advance at the start of each term. in Michaelmas Term 2009 found that Buckley, an engineering student. ben richardson charlotte runcie Last term Caius students voted only 31 per cent of students used all The site is unusual in offering overwhelmingly in favour of propos- their tickets. Students on average a relatively large degree of floor Students at Gonville and Caius have als to ensure a reduction in the waste £150 per year in missed The former location of Borders book space in such a desirable area, made a breakthrough this week in number of compulsory dinner tickets meals. store, 12 - 13 Market Street, is due to with TK Maxx providing what Tim their campaign to secure reform of to 30 and the introduction of a kitchen GCSU is also concerned that the be occupied by TK Maxx, a discount Hance, Head of In-Town Retail, the College’s deeply unpopular hall fixed charge. College oversells dinner tickets. In retailer, in the coming months describes as a “lively addition to a system. Students opposing the current the form email sent to tutors and The new, three-storey store will busy trading area”. After three days of a targeted email system have claimed they seen by Varsity, the JCR claims that become one of the largest in the Barry Robinson, Vice-Chairman of campaign to Fellows, the Master waste money if they choose to the College sells 2850 tickets in total area, alongside such retailers as Cambridge Retail and Commercial of Caius, Sir Christopher Hum, has dine elsewhere or are unable to to students each year, which exceeds Marks & Spencer, Monsoon, and Association agrees: “Every empty agreed to set up a meeting between attend hall because of unforeseen the capacity of Caius hall. Fat Face. shop is dead space so anything that fellows and students specifically to circumstances. Caius Fellows were unavailable Among students, there is both fills that gap is good.” discuss reform. A survey carried out by Caius JCR for comment last night. residual disappointment at the Accroding to Property Magazine The meeting will be attended by bill collins closing of Borders and excitement International, TK Maxx has taken senior College staff including the at the prospect of a cheap clothes on a 15-year lease on the location, Senior Tutor and Senior Bursar, along retailer in the centre of the city. and expects to pay £650,000 per with two members of Caius JCR. According to Matt Russell, annum in rent. Gaurav Vohra, Vice President of an English student, “although I Known for its “no frills” policy, GCSU, will be one of those attend- enjoyed taking a copy of Sartre up TK Maxx specialises in buying up ing. He told Varsity that news of the to Starbucks for the afternoon, it’s designer clothing, before selling meeting was “a huge step in the right good that some less expensive shops it on at considerably lower prices. direction. Until now, members of are opening in central Cambridge.” Customers are attracted to its low College staff have only agreed to see A second-year History student prices and wide variety. us on an individual and informal basis. was more disappointed at the The store will be the retailer’s “Now we’ve shown that our prospect of reduced space for reading second in the city, supplementing message is clear: students want and lounging. “This just means that an existing store at the Beehive change.” there is one less place in the town centre. The new location is expected 90 emails were sent to tutors in centre were you can hang out and to provide fifty new jobs. the 36 hours between the campaign’s read a book. It seems that there are Borders UK went into admin- launch on Monday and a tutors’ already too many clothing stores.” istration last year, after losses of meeting on Wednesday. The current He added, “I was sad to see over £25 million, largely due to system at Caius requires students to Borders go.” out-competition from high street eat in hall for at least 43 nights per Some, however, are apathetic: rival Waterstone’s and online retail- term at £6.40 each, buying tickets in Gonville and Caius hall “Times change”, says James ers such as Amazon.

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Get involved this issue of varsity was edited by Hugo Gye, Katy King, Emma Mustich, Lydia Onyett, Rob Peal, Charlotte Runcie, Osama Siddiqui & Zing Tsjeng Production manager Colm Flanagan [email protected] designer Dylan Spencer-Davidson [email protected] design consultant Michael Derringer To find out how to get involved business & advertising manager Michael Derringer [email protected] board of directors Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof. Peter Robinson, Dr Tim Harris, Mr Chris Wright, Mr Michael Derringer, with Varsity or VarsiTV in May Mr Elliot Ross, Mr Patrick Kingsley (VarSoc President), Miss Anna Trench, Mr Hugo Gye, Mr Michael Stothard, Miss Clementine Dowley, Mr Robert Peal, Miss Emma Mustich & Mr Laurie Tuffrey Week or Michaelmas 2010, visit: NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT Varsity, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications also publishes BlueSci and The Mays. RECYCLING Recycled paper made ©2010 Varsity Publications Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or up 87.2% of the raw www.varsity.co.uk/jobs material for UK newspapers in 2008 otherwise without prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Iliffe Print Cambridge — Winship Road, Milton, Cambridge CB24 6PP on 48gsm UPM Matt Paper. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office. ISSN 1758-4442 NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT RECYCLING News Editors: Charlotte Runcie & Osama Siddiqui Friday May 14th 2010 3 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NEwSS

Women’s Campaign blasts Union ‘sexism’ Cambridge Spies CUSU campaign withdraws from debate due to Union apathy

JESSICA LAMBERT

AnnA herber

The CUSU Women’s Campaign has decided to withdraw from a public discussion on institutional sexism and the Cambridge Union, accusing the Union of failing to take the event seriously. The two groups had co-organised the event in response to criticism of the Union’s events programme, which has recently come under fire within the University and in the national press for offering pole- Nights at Newnham dancing lessons. Both parties had worked together In these dizzying modern times to organise a debate at the Union to we live in, the must-have acces- discuss the issue. However, failures sory for any girl about town is in communication within the Union a gay best friend. But one of led the Women’s Campaign to lose Cambridge’s wannabe Carrie CUSU Women’s Campaign claims that the Union has too many male speakers confidence in the event. Bradshaws may well be rethink- In an open letter to the Union, institution, as the event was instead Head of Press Alex Küng said: the Women’s Campaign. However, ing the titles ‘best’ and ‘friend’ CUSU Women’s Officer Natalie billed as a discussion on “women, “As this was an ad hoc event it was myself and others within the Union after inviting her own Stanford Szarek said: “The CUSU Women’s sexism and society”. not possible to publicise the event on are very much in support of address- to sleep on her bedroom floor. Campaign voted to hold the discus- According to Szarek: “Despite the termcard, and with a large team ing this important issue, and most But she was woken in the dead sion in conjunction with the Union on being willing to address institu- of incredibly busy students during of us will be attending the new of night by some very suspi- the understanding that it was willing tional sexism in wider society and exam term it is common for phrasing forum.” cious sounds... In the darkness to critically examine and discuss in Cambridge University (through of event descriptions to be inexact.” The Union was also encouraged she slowly began to make out ways in which it could improve. the vastly popular ‘Is Cambridge After the dissolution of the origi- by the discussion at the forum. Press her GBF engaged in relations “However, the way that the Union University institutionally sexist’ nal event, the debate entitled ‘Is the Officer Rebecca Bailey said: “the with another young man - right participated in the organisation of debate last academic year), the Cambridge Union institutionally Union has accepted that some things on the very carpet she had the event suggests that the Union Union is unwilling to subject its own sexist?’ was instead held at King’s have to change. However, many offered so generously. Shocked is unwilling to engage with these practices to such scrutiny.” College on Wednesday. grounds for constructive action by the unexpected pornographic issues.” Szarek went on to criti- When asked about these public- Events Officer Juan Zober were discussed, and we are looking spectacle, she quickly fled the cize the Union’s failure to advertise ity failures, Union representatives de Francisco said, “There was a forward to taking some proactive scene. But on returning an hour the event on Facebook as specifi- denied that there was any inten- disappointing breakdown in commu- steps to tackle institutional sexism later, our Carrie was bemused cally addressing sexism within the tional attempt to sideline the event. nication between the Union and within the Union”. to find the pair still caught in the throes of passion - only this time, their chosen location for the horizontal conga was between Dons refuse to change employment statute the sheets of her very own bed. Fabulous, darling!

that redundancies were to be made. contracts and by offering more The list of positions to be cut would MPhil courses; we have to stop the Gift of the Gob no longer have been voted upon. growth in central administrative Opponents, who had feared that staff; and we need to kill the North- One kindhearted young fresher the new proposals would have West Cambridge project.” from Queens’ was feeling partic- restricted academic freedom, On the other hand, Professor ularly philanthropic one night. expressed relief at rejection of the William Brown, Master of Darwin Paying a late visit to a male proposals. College and Montague Burton friend, she offered him her body According to Ross Anderson, Professor of Industrial Relations, to enjoy as he pleased, hoping to Professor of Security Engineering, who led the committee charged with be ravished ‘til dawn. Unfortu- and a leading critic of the propos- reviewing Statute U, expressed nately, he was less than thrilled als, “It’s a good job that Cambridge disappointment at the rejection of at the proposal. Instead he took remains a self-governing community the proposals. pity and offered a very 2010 of scholars; we had the chance to According to Prfessor Brown, coalition-style compromise: she vote down this damaging and foolish “Naturally those who have been could do something else if she measure, and we did so.” working on these reforms are disap- really wanted - just as long as he Professor Anderson explained pointed by their rejection by Regent could keep his eyes closed. The further that the changes were an House. But, in such dire economic deal was sealed with a kiss… but attempt to deal with funding cuts circumstances nationally, it isn’t not on the lips. that the University expects to face. surprising that any change to the by a vote of 988 to 625. A secondary He said, “The strategic question status quo might be perceived as a osAmA siddiqui proposal, which would have intro- is this: Over the next two to three threat to job security, even though duced different employment rules years, we might see a 10-20 per in this case it definitely was not.” A controversial proposal that would for teaching and administrative cent reduction in our government Nevertheless, Professor Brown is have changed employment and staff, was rejected by a vote of 1,119 funding. I suspect the administra- optimistic that an mutually-satisfac- 52 Trumpington Street dismissal rules for academic and to 491. tion was planning the lazy response tory agreement would be possible Cambridge CB2 1RG academic-related staff was rejected According to current rules, which – closing a few departments. By in the future. “It does not mean the last week by Regent House. will now remain in place, redundan- rejecting the statute U reforms, reforms are blocked,” he said. FREE CHELSEA BUN Regent House, which is the self- cies to academic staff can only be we’ve made that harder.” “There is a large area of agree- With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop governing body of the University’s made following two separate votes in Professor Anderson believes that ment. Cambridge’s uniquely clunky OR nearly 4,000 staff, voted last week Regent House: the first to approve, the University needs to employ process of decision-making is a poor FREE MORNING two reject two ballot measures that in principle, that job cuts will be creative solutions and cost-cutting way of making subtle policy. I am were aimed at reforming Statute made, and the second to approve the to deal with the funding cuts, rather confident that we can negotiate a COFFEE/TEA (9am-12pm) U, the set of guidelines that govern specific list of staff to be sacked. than rely on redunduncies. very satisfactory package embody- With any cake or pastry in the restaurant dismissal, disciplinary, and grievance If the new proposal had passed, He explained, “We need to raise ing the many uncontroversial on presentation of this voucher procedures for University officers. University authorities would have more money by getting better elements which Regent House will and proof of student status The main proposal was rejected only needed a single vote to approve at winning research grants and find acceptable.” Life after exams It can seem a little daunting to think about what’s going to happen after you leave the familiar surroundings of the University, but panic not!

The Cambridge Alumni Relations Of ce (CARO) is here (along with your college Alumni Of ce) to keep you in touch with Cambridge and provide you with a wide range of bene ts.

Cantab.net If you’re graduating this year, don’t forget to sign up for cantab.net, the University’s alumni email service. You will soon lose your hermes email address, so make sure you can stay in touch with your friends and contacts, however often you change jobs, location or email addresses.

The following will soon be available to you:

CAMCard, giving you access 1 to a wide range of discounts

issues of CAM, the alumni magazine, dropping through 3 your letterbox every year

e-bulletin updates bringing you the latest news each 12 month

network groups connecting you with other alumni across 330 the globe

pages (and counting) of news, events, information and links at 1600 www.alumni.cam.ac.uk

Keep in touch www.facebook.com/cambridgealumni www.twitter.com/CARO1209 www. ickr.com/photos/cambridge-alumni-relations E-mail: [email protected] Website: www.alumni.cam.ac.uk Tel: +44 (0) 1223 332288 Comment Ed tor Emma Must ch Friday May 14th 2010 5 comment@varsty co uk www varsty co uk COENT

“Brown’s real problem is the fact that he has been in charge of some spectacularly incompetent people.” Comment NATHAN BROOKER The case for Proportional Representation

Convers on to “the system that elected H tler” would actually represent a nod to the long JULIA RAMPEN Br t sh trad t on of electoral reform – and serve our d verse, modern nat on well

ver since the fi rst televised cool-headed members of the politi- Charles I were made up of individu- PR also provides a timely scale. This makes sense in a country debate, the hype about Nick cal establishment, no other issue als, elected according to their local mirror to our society. It forces us like Britain, where the party system EClegg had been growing. has generated as many closed-door reputation and contacts. Only in the to confront the ugly voting traits may be binary, but the society is Real enthusiasm greeted him on the conferences in the last few days as late seventeenth century, with the as well as the beautiful - and to not. Class divisions have blurred, campaign trail, and even in America that of Proportional Representation. divide between the Whigs and, yes, act accordingly. That any BNP regional and national cultures vary, some of the journals were comment- Gardiner touches upon a theme the Tories, did the fi rst glimmer of and new forces, such as the Green ing on ‘Cleggism’. News fl ash: the dear to the average British heart: ‘party politics’ appear. An electoral movement, have emerged. Why, Liberal Democrats were popular. tradition. But if our current voting system that makes perfect sense “Something old then, should we have to continue to And indeed, in last week’s system, where the winner takes with regards to individuals is poorly vote unenthusiastically for parties election, while Labour received 29 all, is tradition, then so is electoral designed for accommodating the is not necessarily we don’t like, just because we hate per cent of the vote, the Lib Dems reform. The extension of the party politics of the modern era. the other ones even more? came up close on 23 per cent. Yet, franchise, the introduction of a The second contention commonly well thought out, In the House of Commons, the under our system of First Past the secret ballot, votes for women… you made about PR is that it lets in benches face each other, ready Post, Labour took over four times can take your pick. None of these extremists. This argument is or good.” for confrontation and the inevi- the amount of seats. The outside reforms passed without opposition. often followed by a reference to table taunts of Prime Minister’s observer might venture that this None of these reforms have been the Weimar Republic and 1930s candidates became MEPs after Questions. Step into the German was odd, unfair even. They might regretted by posterity. Germany. OK, so we haven’t just the European elections last year Bundestag, or the youthful Scottish even suggest that electoral reform It is also important to remember been defeated in a world war, racial is a national shame. Yet I would Parliament, and you will fi nd would be in order. that something old is not necessarily eugenics isn’t exactly popular, and argue that the incident has had something different. The seats form But no. Electoral reform, well thought out, or good. we have an extremely long history some productive consequences. It a semi-circle, prepared for dialogue. suggested Nile Gardiner in the Although we associate of democracy. But you have been has taught mainstream parties not Yes, that might also involve some Telegraph this week, is a “pernicious First Past the Post warned! to take voters for granted. It has compromise, the delaying of some move that could end up destroying with a two-party In fact, most working PR increased vigilance on the part of favourite scheme. But it could also centuries of tradition and the very system, the systems include safeguards the anti-fascist majority. And it has result in policy that everyone can fabric of a great nation”. Gardiner’s electoral against this kind of highlighted how disenfranchised accept as legitimate. Under Propor- verdict seems reserved next to system problem. A common some people feel. tional Representation, the number that of Boris Johnson. Proportional predated innovation is to only allow More important, however, are the of politicians from each party Representation (PR) is “the system the latter by representation to parties unique strengths of PR. In a propor- corresponds with their share of the that elected Hitler”, according to centuries. The that win over fi ve per cent tional system, there is no need to popular vote. And when politicians the London mayor, who interest- parliaments of the vote: such a policy ‘vote tactically’, or mourn your under PR do what normal people do ingly also insists that it would force that gave Henry was key, for instance, to quixotic ‘wasted’ vote: PR operates in their every day lives, and work out those “with any independence VIII his Reforma- establishing stable government on the basis that people’s opinions together, they are truly represent- of spirit”. Even amongst the more tion and argued with in Turkey. count on a national as well as local ing the nation. Putting the ‘College’ back in ‘collegiate’ Shouldn’t the Un vers ty’s Colleges work n closer harmony this Mason girl? I must write in College has a host of alluring could do this more cheaply. Econo- College websites boast of their KATE MASON and recommend her a therapist.” things to offer and an identity that mies of scale dictate that, were the squash courts: Cambridge contains At times like these, you need makes it unique, but have you ever Colleges to work together to order the greatest density of courts an uplifting read. After you’ve thought about the ineffi ciency of so their food en masse, they could anywhere in the country – about e’re reaching that point fi nished Varsity, pick up a copy many independent tribes jostling, easily achieve better deals on food forty-fi ve. Only six are maintained in Exam Term when of the University of Cambridge Celt-like, for precedence? costs from their suppliers: savings to a decent standard. Wuncertainty really starts prospectus and treat yourself Every College in Cambridge has they could then pass on to their This is not to say that I dislike to take hold. When you discover to the single most ego-boosting its own Bursary, and each college students. the collegiate system itself. that you only ever knew one thing experience you’ll enjoy this year. is nominally run by a clan of (often) Similarly, while we still lack a Rather, that infi ghting and general about Milton after all, and you Even if you haven’t seen one aged academics, with as many University Sports Centre, the disregard for the University as learnt that in sixth form. When the recently, you must remember: the personal vendettas and unruly proper management of available an entity has led to institutional only look to be seen rocking is 90s aura of self-confi dence emitting egos as might be expected of any College sports grounds is a neces- selfi shness which short-changes Kate Moss: mad-eyed, unwashed from glossy pages riddled with middle-class clique. Not only is the sity if both College and University Cambridge students. What the and emaciated from meal-forget- glossy undergraduates; the effi cacy of your supervisor often teams are to be able to train. Yet, University should encourage is ting and nerves. (Incidentally – an clamourings of Selwyn or Emma determined by which DoS gets on because each College stridently better relationships between aside: who are you, Peach Blazer, to be recognised as ‘the friendly with whom, but your College is also asserts its own independence College Bursars, and the pooling Perfect Eye Make-up UL Girl? College’; the endless pictures of in charge of how much your food rather than acting for the good of of general resources. For a model Spending that much time getting sun and/or snow and ducks. It’s is going to cost, and what facilities the University, University teams of such University spirit I refer dressed still? Surely you’ll fail?) enough to make you want to apply you are entitled to use. and those from other Colleges you to Peterhouse: a College When a treat involves running into all over again. If, like Pembroke, your College often have to pay vast sums for so community-minded that it town to grab more revision statio- Cambridge is built on competi- kitchen daily churns out delicious the privilege of using a particular regularly welcomes the University- nery. When reading this makes you tiveness. Nowhere is this clearer organic food at a reasonable price, College’s grounds. Such privileges wide Adonian Society to hold their think “Oh God, I’m not working than in the way the Colleges then you’re probably not too can be withdrawn at the College’s dinners in its Hall. Match that, hard enough,” instead of “Who is deal with one another. True, each bothered. But even Pembroke whim. And think how many ‘friendly’ Selwyn. 6 Friday May 14th 2010 Comment Editor: Emma Mustich CoMMENt aNd Editorial www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Established in 1947 Issue No 718 Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge, CB2 3RF Telephone: 01223 337575 Fax: 01223 760949 Don’t Cry ‘Sexist!’

It is impossible to fault the intentions of the CUSU Women’s Campaign. Its officers, fired up by decades of historical injustice and oppression of women, are passionate and committed to their cause. Nonetheless, their attacks on the Union Society for its supposed “institutional sexism” are misguided and, like so much activism, ultimately counter-productive. Let us look at the facts. The Union has had a very impressive line-up of speakers over the last few terms, including female public figures such as Shami Chakrabati, Ulrika Jonsson and our own Vice-Chancellor, as well as the CUSU women’s officer, Natalie Szarek. Nonetheless, the large majority of Union speakers are men, just as the last four Union presidents have been male. Women are clearly underrepresented at the Union. However, to assume that the Union’s gender imbalance is a result of sexism seems rash. Many of the society’s key personnel are women, including the executive officer, secretary and director of publicity. Most recent presidents have been elected unopposed, and it is not the Letters to the brainwashed by society and therefore Katie Taylor writes very cogently Union’s fault that few women have put themselves forwards. Last can’t be trusted to make a respon- on the need for nuclear disarma- term’s debate on the question “Is Cambridge institutionally sexist?” Editor sible decision. I am happy to accept ment (Comment, April 23rd). I shows that the society is willing to engage with feminist ideas. that some people are opposed to the believe that we do not need to There are many reasons for the lack of female speakers, but sexism classes, but I find Jessica’s tactic of have nuclear weapons and that seems unlikely to be one of them. Most of the Union’s guests come trying to invalidate any views antag- the cost is too great – £100 billion from the worlds of journalism and politics, from whose higher echelons In response to Magus Lynius onistic to hers by invoking the idea over 25 years. I also believe that women are often absent; we may regret this inequality, but it is hardly Shadee’s decision to set up an occult of misogynistic brainwashing highly our moral authority to persuade the Union’s fault. Besides, many Union speakers are themselves centre in Cambridge, you reported objectionable. And I see no conflict other countries such as Iran not to Cambridge alumni, and it is only in recent years that the University Father David Paul of St Laurence’s between the Union having female- develop such weapons is greater if has educated equal numbers of men and women; this imbalance too is Roman Catholic Church as having only classes and asserting their we disarm ourselves. Otherwise we out of the society’s control. non-sexual nature: it is the avoidance simply look hypocritical, arguing Yet the Women’s Campaign wishes to dispute the Union Society’s of there being potential spectators that we should be allowed weapons supposed sexism. It is to the society’s credit that it agreed to debate that removes the sexual facet from that others are not. the issue in a joint event, and perhaps understandable that the Union the activity. Julian Huppert was not over-eager to promote an event in which it would be under Chloe Mashiter MP for Cambridge expressed concern that “it will Pembroke College attack. The Campaign’s reaction to this supposed reluctance – pulling appeal to people who are in distress out and organising their own talk – seems calculated to promote not or are vulnerable. It really is a Having examined in careful detail Clarification: reasoned debate but the Women’s Campaign itself. manipulation of people’s fears and a the crotch of your fashion page’s The heading for Katie Taylor’s Frankly, does all this even matter? The Union is not an official complete fraud.” This, I submit, is poolside hunk, I was left disap- Comment piece in the last issue University body, it is a private society, and it is answerable only to an admirably succinct summary of pointed. He was not parading of Varsity (‘The election goes its members; the Women’s Campaign has no business interfering in the function of his own Church. Armani trunks, as was promised in nuclear’, April 23rd 2010) was its invitations policy. Surely they must have more important issues to Peter Yates the small print, but rather his lycra misworded. It should have used address. Women are far less likely to get firsts than men, the faculties St Catharine’s College cladding was evidently from Adidas the phrase ‘multilateral disar- are very male-heavy and incidents of rape are unsettlingly frequent. (as betrayed by the logo). This mament’ rather than ‘unilateral Might not Ms Szarek’s energies be better spent in tackling these ills, Whilst I find both sides of the debate was not, I might mention, the only disarmament’. through initiatives such as the recent ‘Reclaim the Night’ event, than over pole-dancing at the Union respect in which I found the in directing unreasonable accusations at the Union? interesting, Jessica Jennings’s recent subject of my examination to be Few Union members, male or female, will have considered that the Comment piece on the subject (April lacking; however, since my second society might be “institutionally sexist”. The Women’s Campaign will 23rd) was simply offensive. I plan reason for complaint is rather a on attending the classes yet am not, small one, I’ll leave it be. email [email protected] for the force them to do so; undoubtedly, nearly all will decide that it is not, chance to win a bottle from the and will curse that regressive institution for wasting their time and as her article suggested, a vacuous, Name withheld Cambridge Wine Merchants. Letters brainpower. Let us hear no more of this non-issue. impressionable bimbo who has been may be edited.

minimum wage! Civil partner- Manish Sood dubbed Brown “the Minister Brown was (or wasn’t); it people thought? And perhaps he’s Underrated ships! Tripling overseas aid! “Come worst Prime Minister we have highlights what an utter shower of not quite as bad a PM as people home,” he crowed, “Come home to had in this country” – which is a dog shit the campaign architects think either? Week 4: Gordon Brown Labour.” Ladies and gentlemen: the touch unfair, no? I predict histori- managed to be. One, Sue (Nye), or The crucial decisions that will Iliad and Odyssey for our times. ans will reveal that Brown’s real whoever it was, should never have cement Brown’s legacy one way or Okay, hang on a minute. What problem has never been personal put Gordon in that position. And the other will be the steps he took about those huge shit-strewn inadequacy. Rather, it is the fact Two, who was it who failed to take immediately after the markets hit pottyholes he managed to stumble that he has been in charge of some Gordon’s microphone off him before the machine guns and razor wire. his great leaden foot into time and spectacularly incompetent people. he got into the car? That is straight Paul Krugman of the New York again? Where were they? Where Consider, for instance, Bigot- incompetence. Times certainly thought Brown did were the whole letter-writing gate: a charming vignette which Similarly, if Gordon was a terri- okay, hinting that the old PM might debacle; the odd knife-in-the- involved the former PM meeting ble PM, it’s only because he fronted have “saved the world financial back ousting plot; the massaged 66-year-old pensioner and life-long a terrible Cabinet. system”. unemployment figures; the Labour supporter Gillian Duffy. Now, and this is where it gets Only time will tell how successful massaged defence budget figures; Commander Gordon managed to serious: what part did Gordon play Brown’s economic policy will be. If not to mention that minor beef be all nice and lop-sidedly smiley in the economic downturn? One it turns out, as it just might, that he ike most great epics, Gordon he had with the economy? Erm, to her face and then called her a might argue that any fiscal turds he helped stem the global depression Brown’s closing address redacted? “bigoted woman” when he got back found under the bed as PM he made and led a fiscal approach that saved Lto the Party faithful at So, what does it matter? Brown into his ministerial car. for himself as Chancellor. Perhaps. the world’s banking infrastruc- the Manchester conference flour- is toast. True, but what will the So far, so Brown. But here’s But, then, perhaps – as William ture from ruin, then I think he ished with a triumphant litany of history books say? The heart- the rub: this wee story doesn’t Rees-Mogg points out – Brown was might just be owed the odd, muted past battles fought and won. The warmingly loyal Labour candidate highlight what a terrible Prime not quite as good a Chancellor as apology. Don’t you? NathaN Brooker Features Ed tors Rob Peal & Z ng Tseng Friday May 14th 2010 7 features@varsty co uk www varsty co uk FEATURES Varsity Festival Guide You’ll never get a Glasto t cket, so don’t even bother Here are the summer fest vals that Vars ty wr ters are spend ng the r student loans on T me to break out the well es

PAUL SMITH

Latitude Green Man Reading & Non-camping >> Suffolk, 16-18 July >> Wales, 20-22 August For those allergic to mud

B g names: Belle and Sebastian, B g names: Billy Bragg, Doves, Leeds Hop Farm (Kent, 2-3 July) Vampire Weekend, Florence + The Flaming Lips, Beirut, Joanna >> 27-29 August How much earnest acoustic guitar- Machine, Grizzly Bear, Spoon Newsom B g names: Arcade Fire, Weezer, based music can you take? Find out Guns N’ Roses, Pendulum in this camping-optional festival They dye the sheep different If you fi nd Latitude is a little that promises to take music festi- colours, there are poetry readings, too well-mannered and SGP too Most people popped their festi- vals back to basics. Folk Stuck for a t cket and they put on Shakespearean anarchic, Green Man might just val cherry at either one of these the world! £65 weekend Try th s plays in woods. In short, it’s like a be your ideal compromise. It’s summer behemoths. Then they ticket festival run by extremely genteel ethically-conscious but not to the mature and realise that getting Alternative eBay Cambridge students who spend a point of smugness and it consis- pissed on Carling at 2 in the after- B g names: Van Punters who can’t be bit too much time at Jesus Lane. tently hauls in quality left-fi eld noon and listening to Lostprophets Morrison, Bob Dylan, Ray bothered with exorbitant eBay Also, they give out the Guardian talent and promising up-and- is a terrible way to spend a Davies, Laura Marling fees will be trying their luck every morning. Heaven if you can comers. This year, look out for hundred quid. However, this year on sites like Gumtree and get past your sense of middle-class Darwin Deez, Efterklang and Reading and Leeds have magically Lovebox (London, Scarlet Mist. If you’re going to guilt. £155 weekend camping Girls. £104 student camping engineered Libertines and Blink 16-18 July) go down this route, make sure 182 reunions – it’s enough to make Impressive line-up you get sellers to forward you Known for: Families who shop Known for: Freaky folksters anybody’s inner teenybopper shed that with big names their ticket confirmation email at Waitrose, a general pervasive and people who insist on buying a tear. £75 day ticket and up-and-comers like Joy as verification. gumtree.com, atmosphere of civilised tweeness records on vinyl because “the Orbison, as well as DJ sets from scarletmist.com (see: Belle and Sebastian). sound quality is sooo much better”. Known for: Spontaneous rioting, legendary London club nights like Do say: “Hurry, Simon Armit- Do say: “Joanna underage drinking, tent-burning Trailer Trash. £99 weekend, £45 Facebook age is on in fi ve minutes!” Newsom is my ideal on an epic scale and big crowd- day ticket It never hurts to advertise Don’t say: “Aren’t woman.” pleasing headliners. for a ticket on your FB status. those chemicals bad for Don’t say: “I prefer Do say: “I just fi nished my B g names: Grace Jones, Empire of A Varsity section editor sheep?” Lady Gaga.” GCSEs!” the Sun, Hot Chip, Crookers managed to get a ticket to see Don’t say: “I’ve just fi nished my Radiohead play Reading from degree!” F eld Day (London, 31 July) a RAG blind date. Sometimes Victoria Park in Hackney turns charity does pay. Secret Creamfields into a village fête for East London >> Cheshire, 28-29 August Bestival hipsters, complete with ironic Break in Garden Party B g names: David Guetta, >> Isle of Wight, 9-12 September morris dancing events. If you wear Smaller festivals like SGP tend >> Cambridgeshire, 22-25 July Deadmau5, Tiestö, Paul van Dyke your jeans skinny and your shirts to have lax security and won’t B g names: Gorillaz Sound System, B g names: The Prodigy, The xx, plaid, you will probably enjoy this check wristbands for entry Mercury Rev, Marina & The Creamfi elds has become a world- Chic, Dizzee Rascal, Roxy Music, festival. £40 day ticket into the main arena. If you’re a Diamonds, Mano de Dios wide festival brand, with outposts Fever Ray, Jónsi (of Sigur Ros) dab hand at May Ball break-ins in everywhere from Poland to B g names: Phoenix, Caibou, Silver and can get into the camping SGP isn’t so much a music festival Argentina. Its original British The fi nal party of the summer Apples, The Fall, Simian Mobile site, you’re home free. as a drugs-and-booze-fuelled party incarnation is half an hour from kicks off with the theme of Disco, Lightspeed Champion that culminates in the burning of Liverpool and has exclusive ‘fantasy’. Isle of Wight Festival Work a massive sculpture in the middle festival performances by bigwigs may have scored The Strokes and 1234 Shored tch (London, 24 July) Who said manual labour was of a lake. The Guardian recently like Guetta and van Dyke. If you Jay-Z, but Bestival has probably Do you think Field Day was so 2 dead? Sign up fast, because described SGP as having an enjoy all dance music all the time, the more diverse line-up. By this, years ago and has, like, totally sold the best shifts go quick. oxfam. “artistic temperament”, which is and appreciate a rough and ready we mean that Bestival actually out (Last.fm as a sponsor – UGH)? org.uk/stewards, hotboxevents. journalistic shorthand for “every- crowd that’s up for raving till the attracts bands that don’t entirely 1234 Shoreditch is for you. com, festivalvolunteer.com, body is on drugs and dressed like sun comes up, this one is for you. comprise of skinny white boys with We don’t know most of the workersbeer.co.uk, festaff.co.uk, an escapee from an asylum”. Not £100 weekend camping, £59 day guitars, and rapping onstage won’t bands, but that’s okay, stuartsecurity.co.uk for the faint of heart, but it does necessarily result in bottle abuse. because we hear they’ll reward the adventurous. £142 Known for: Fluoro So Dizzee should feel safe. £150 be totally big next Turn up on the day weekend camping Kanye West sunglasses, weekend camping year. Good after- Ignore the touts and make a sweaty dance tents, parties, though. beeline for the youngest, most Known for: Hippies, freakish art people who can’t Known for: Extravagant costumes, £15 adv. ticket miserable-looking punters installations, and people who go to afford Ibiza fairground rides, a delightful lack with hand-drawn signs. Their festivals for “the atmosphere”. You Do say: “Do of market stalls selling fl uores- B g names: friends have probably ditched know what we mean. you have any cent legwarmers These New them, leaving them with a Do say: “This morph suit is an poppers?” Do say: “I’m dressed as an Puritans, spare ticket. You can also take expression of my inner artist. So is Don’t say: abstract representation of Dum advantage of their youthful me not wearing an underwear.” “Do you the solar system!” Dum Girls, naivete and bully them into Don’t say: “So, when are Black have any Don’t say: “I think fancy Wavves, selling cheap. ZING TSJENG Eyed Peas on?” earplugs?” dress is a bit lame, really.” Comanechi 8 Friday May 14th 2010 Fashion Editor: Katy King FASHION www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

All mens’ shirts, bowties and cravats from a selection at T.M.Lewin in the Grand Arcade.

Photography: Katy King

Creative Assistants: Caedmon Tunstall-Behrens & Tobias Vernon

With thanks to Lara, Laurie, Laura, Alice, Phoebe, Caedmon, Tobias, Joe, Avantika, Charlie, Zing, Tristan, Lucas, Julien, Lizzie & Hugo Fashion Editor: Katy King Friday May 14th 2010 9 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk FASHION katherine spence

katherine spence

10 Friday May 14th 2010 Features Editors: Rob Peal & Zing Tsjeng FEaTuREs www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] The Zeitgeist Tape The fortnight’s entertainment water-cooler gossip, digested for your pleasure

erhaps the highlight of Our first dispatch from the glitzy pouted as if Dynasty was still on award, Brucey could barely wait the ol’ non-response. If only Neil the BBC’s coverage of last pirate ship of screen time-filler saw primetime. With a face like cling- for his turn. “Well, I’m uncomfort- had asked “can you express your PThursday’s election night Neil on deck with a respectable film stretched over yesterday’s able, Andrew,” he began. Here we feelings about the election in the was Andrew Neil’s sporadic reports backdrop of Westminster: “I’m roast, and a smile like a PG Tips go, a concise witticism from one of form of a tap-dance?” then Brucey back from their celebrity boat going to be talking to an eclectic monkey, it wasn’t long before Britain’s most beloved broadcast- could have offered some true party, a cavalcade of drunken celebs mix of opinion-formers and celebri- Collins produced some humding- ers? Or a golden memory from way enlightenment. and verbal histrionics. ties,” he explained, “and maybe, ers of quotes. Why do you like back when, perhaps? Guess again... Had Henry Conway held his In between Jeremy Vine playing just maybe,” pointing his finger at David Cameron, Joan? “I think he’s “because I never have my back to ‘Elect Me!’ party a night earlier, Wii Election and some prime the camera in a move just short of very serious but he has a sense of the audience!” Forsyth promptly the BBC could have at least saved live telly – Paxman pulling his a cheeky wink and a knee slap, “a humour.” Well, gee, we really hadn’t turns around to a bewildered some money on ship rental costs. exasperated face through a failed few surprises.” Was one of those thought of that. Do go on. “I think gaggle, only to get a whimpering Plus, that way we’d get some live link-up with David Miliband surprises just how diabolically naff he’s going to be very good for the response to his ‘nice to see you...’ astute, incisive analysis of quantita- – the lively Neil popped up with a the ‘Ship of Fools’ (so named by family, which, for me is very impor- catchphrase, but the moment is tive easing from Britain’s leading selection of inebriated guests (the the internet’s very own opinion- tant.” The same David Cameron, given a beautiful pathos by Ben foppish-offspring-of-disgraced- calibre of their celeb status and the formers) would be, Andrew? He Miss Collins, who is planning to Kingsley touching Forsyth’s arm as Tory-MP-dressed-as-Maggie- timing of their appearance were in may as well have cut the formali- skimp on child tax credits? if to say “now’s not the time for that Thatcher. And let’s face it, if that’s inverse ratio), asking for comments ties and gone for something a little Hmm, perhaps someone a little Bruce.” Then comes the clincher: not a good, relevant interview, then on the unfurling election situation. more fitting. “Ahoy election night more informed could guide us a question. What did Bruce make what the hell is? Laurie Tuffrey Now, Zeitgeist Tape would be the mateys, an’ welcome aboard Aunty through the election muddle. Surely of the exit poll? “Well, I thought...” first to jump to defend the much- Beeb’s ship o’ inane punditry!” only one man can stand up to the Panic, panic, what did he think? Full archives of ‘Victoria Beale: criticised BBC, though this was, would have fit the bill nicely. mark; yes, step forward Bruce “I thought it was, as you said, self-help’ and ‘the Zeitgeist admittedly, a mixture of the ridicu- First up was Joan Collins. She Forsyth. Undoubtedly winner of high, and I think anything could tape’ are online at varsity.co.uk/ lous and the ridiculous. eagerly eyed up the camera and the night’s Most Vapid Comment happen.” Phew, side-stepped it with features now.

GINGERs THERMOs FLasK IRON MaN 2 aNDREW LLOYD WEBBER this? We are already doomed. The Soulless Ones Do you like your library time to Just scored the fifth biggest Over the Rainbow: ALW in a throne are headlining be hot and steamy? Then buy a opening weekend in American staring at teenage girls in REVIsION JEaLOusY festivals (Florence Thermos flask. All of the history. Best line in the film? gingham dresses as they sing “How’s work?” “God, I’ve only + the Machine for caffeine with minimal outlay. “Congratulations, you have about the Yellow Brick Road. done seven hours. I’m so NOT Latitude), time- created a new element.” Suspicious. screwed!” We hate people like travelling with the KNOWYOuRMEME.COM you. HOT Doctor (Karen Gillen), Can’t tell a roflcoptor from JOHN LEWIs aDVERT JOHN TERRY’s INJuRED and being shot in the your lollerskates? Don’t know Lifestyle porn for the FOOT HuNG PaRLIaMENT head in M.I.A. videos. what monorail cat is? Know aspiring middle-class. First Beckham’s Achilles, Used to be interesting,now it Welcome to the age of Your Meme will explain all of That’s all we have then Gareth’s ankle, then is infuriating. Shall we address the ginger. the Internets for you. You win! to say. Wayne’s groin, and now you Cleggeron, or Camerlegg? My week by Lord Byron’s Statue*

Monday kept a bear in his room,” some That afternoon, I overheard some pimply dweeb related to his equally simian in a rugby shirt recounting to unprepossessing friend. “Yes I did his friend his activities on ‘Caesar- keep a bear in my room!” I wanted ean Sunday’. Apparently, he had sex to shout back. “And it was an with his girlfriend’s sister. “Banter”, absolute bloody disaster. You know his friend replied. “Banter?” I ask. the saying ‘Do bears shit in the Absolute hogwash. When I was woods?’ well the answer is yes, and a buck, I bedded my own sister. they also shit in your room. So until Repeatedly. That, my friends, is you have spent a year clearing up ‘banter’. an unholy mound of bear shit each Week 1: Machiavellian Revision morning, I’d prefer it if you students Tuesday stopped dining out on my whims!” The most frustrating aspect of being But I could not, as I am made out cast in stone is the sculptor gets to of stone. Justice - ‘stress’ Claudia StoCker decide your pose for you. Anyone What do you do when your tightly-planned revision schedule stalls? who knew Byron when alive knew Easy. Instil fear in your rivals: their stress is your means of success. Friday I always sat so to best show off my Thursday Today was much like every other preposterously large appendage. To After 27 Red Bull-soaked hours Malcolm Middleton - ‘We’re all Going to Die’ day for the past hundred and fifty draw a modern comparison, it was in the library, a delirious student When you casually drop into conversation that you’ve been working years since I was cast in stone somewhere between a beer can and overcome by the sheer pressure 20 hour days, your mates’ faces fall. They obviously haven’t heard of and placed in the Wren Library. a Pringles tube. Enormous! Large turned to me and implored “Lord Cambridge Fit Finder. I watched in dismay as an array enough to scare away even Venice’s Byron, what would you do?” of Trinitarians filed in, fondling most obliging concubines. Due to my state of stone, I could The smiths - ‘Girl afraid’ highlighters, caressing staplers and But I have for posterity been not reply. But, if my enquirer is Your feigned plaintive sighs in the UL reading room have a contagious effect. moaning about their exams. Dismal! memorialised with a shawl drawn reading now, here is your answer. The girl beside you is visibly shaking and tearing out clumps of hair. What sorry fools. I spent the week over my crotch so that passers by Ignore your exams, rack up colossal before my finals at Newmarket can appreciated the man, but not the debts, father half a dozen illegiti- The National - ‘Brainy’ Racecourse gambling away the legend. Damn shame. If I lived today mate children, get chased from Storming out of revision lectures early, muttering “I so knew all that money I made from pawning the I would have been a boaty. The Britain for sexual deviance (sodomy, already,” you’ve become an academic force to be reckoned with. college silver. When it came to the sight of me in lycra would have been since you ask), and die leading a exam, I wrote an Ode to the Granta, terrifying. revolutionary war. And write a Clap Yours Hands - ‘The skin of My Yellow Country Teeth’ got dragged out by debt collectors, couple of poems along the way. 10pm. Your five day batch of exams starts tomorrow. Yikes. OMG. The but was still awarded a first for Wednesday UL’s closed. AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH. sheer bravado. “See him, that’s Lord Byron. He * As told to Rob Peal KATHERINE SPENCE

Features Ed tors Rob Peal & Z ng Tseng Friday May 14th 2010 11 features@varsty co uk www varsty co uk FEATURES Food and Drink Come Rosie Corner o ers a historical sweep to advise diligent workers on how to eat in Together adversity

Some would say that hours of revision make your sex drive pack up and leave, but stress relief, library love, and FitFinder mean these tests do not have to be testing.

Happiness is rarely a sweat-stained A lot of your fortune in exam term an early night. Thump. Newnham is desk in the library, piled high with depends upon your work place of not the only college with thin walls. four books deboned for quotations choice. Library tour. Mix things up. Don’t keep people awake in the next and half a timed essay. Exam term is There is not a dark corner to be had few weeks. The indignation that not perceived to be hot. But it should in the Law library. Glass is not your even LoserFresher is getting some be. There’s nothing like the frustra- friend. College libraries are incestu- just adds insult to sleep-deprivation tion of hours of research, pent-up ous highlighter-heavens, and there injury. Besides – silent sex is a Monkey meat. Would it feel like cannibalism? stress and competitive little glances will always be one confused and unique and experimental art, if you between the faculty bookshelves. pitiful being contemplating suicide have the ego for it. As I am sure you are all now and offer catharsis and a sense of Abandon the timed essay; shove the by biro at 7am. The UL really is This is the term when there’s aware, Sainsbury’s is about to peace. The slightly sickening but books aside. That sweat does not your fi nest option. The wings are no such thing as being used: close for four days. Scenes of also morbidly addictive website need to be from your palms. quiet. The shelves are a very healthy when everybody is happily using starving students and bread riots deadmaneating.com catalogues The big sexual proof for this is height. And, bent over a wooden somebody else. Your boyfriend in the Market Square are already fi nal meals of convicted criminals FitFinder, which is not a new lard- desk in one of the fronts, there are is too tired and your girlfriend is being predicted, but fear not. before they face the chair. On buster for the clinically obese, but some very pleasant views to be had. crying over Cicero. It is not cheat- People throughout the ages have 26 June 2007 for example, John the best procrastination device since If things from behind are fl agging. ing. It is relief, as vital as caffeine learnt to manage, even to prosper, Washington ordered “four fried Zuckerberg decided he needed to Public locations do not need to be and Ryman’s stationery. This is the on the most limited resources. pork chops, collard greens with get some. This is the way to organ- promoted for the thrill of the catch term when conversation is vastly Take the Siege of Paris. In boiled okra and ‘boiling meat’, ise your liaisons. Dark-haired geek alone. Frustration explodes in the overrated, and it is the term when 1870 the people of Paris barri- fried corn, fried fatback, fried with the Ramones T-shirt, meet in strangest ways. You spend two happiness is fl eeting at best. An old caded themselves against the green tomatoes, cornbread, the UL tea room in 5. Sex in the terms living next to a quiet fresher Cherwell survey found a small but Germans, and as the supplies of lemonade, one pint of straw- North Wing in 10. Those nooks are who apologises profusely for playing signifi cant correlation between an fresh meat dwindled, Dobbins berry ice cream and three glazed nicely dark. And most people don’t Snow Patrol past 10pm. You are active sex life and a good degree. Do started to look like mighty fi ne donuts.” Such a request for a fi nal know how to work the lights. lying in bed, basking in the glory of yourself a favour. eating. Before long everything blow-out provides is a voyeuristi- from equine consommé to horsey cally intriguing personal history charcuterie could be found the of a Georgia-born boy who took a Vampires of Venice. If Tennant fi nest restaurants of the world’s wrong turn. was on the verge of euthanizing a gastronomic hub. However, even Now, I’m not suggesting that BOXED giant space whale, as Smith does in the meatiest Percheron won’t sitting exams is like facing the The Beast Below, you would have sustain Paris’s population indefi - charge for homicide, but one could seen the pain and anger written all nitely. By mid-winter cats, dogs potentially draw some parallels. IN over his face in neon capital letters. and rats joined the bill of fayre, My advice is simple: keep eating Smith underplays it. Or maybe and once the municipal zoo was (but not in the library, you’ll get The weekly guide that’s because he doesn’t have any breached, no antelope, elephant or caught), balance your intake of eyebrows. It’s diffi cult to tell, but kangaroo was safe. Interestingly, all the food groups (i.e. if you’re to staying in and at least it’s different. At times, the monkey-house remained out of going to have a life-affi rming switching on Tennant’s ‘I’m The Last Of My bounds, since such articulate and ice-cream sundae for lunch, try Kind, With Great Power Comes intelligent animals were consid- and have some pasta pesto during Great Responsibility’ schtick ered too akin to humans. your ten-minute dinner break) and Remember the time when every- grated – here, the writers seem It is often the meals that we reward every half-hour of revision body sneered at Matt Smith? Too keener on downplaying it. take in times of hardship that with a raw mushroom dipped in young and inexperienced to be the Instead, we get the mysteri- have the most profound effects on hummus. Those sun-fi lled hours Doctor, they said. Face like a root ous cracks in space that are food memory. In the case of prison spent sipping G&Ts in freshly vegetable carved out of granite. slightly ponderously set up to inmates on death row, food serves mowed meadows are almost in Those were the days. Now your be a major plot device, and the to reawaken precise memories sight. ROSIE CORNER girlfriend is a bit in love with him, new Companion’s crush on the SEARCH: he’s dating underwear model Daisy Doctor. It’s written for laughs Beyoncé+don’t+love+me Lowe, and sales of Topman bow rather than angst, and Amy Pond ties have shot up by 94%. Appar- declaring that she “really wasn’t Recipe: On the Go... ently owning a sonic screwdriver suggesting anything long term” just isn’t enough for some people. as she pins the Doctor up against It was always going to be diffi - the wall is a welcome relief after Is the 80-hour week starting to Omnomnom.) cult to pull off post-Tennant Doctor the weighty are-they-aren’t-they burn? Fear not, for if anything is 1 x Funsize banana (tiny fruit: Who – Tennant, after all, was voted drama between Rose Tyler and going to get you through, it’s the highly unethical but strangely the best Doctor ever. Smith acquits the Doctor. Karen Gillen is ballsy, Varsity ludicrously cheap no-cook, endearing) himself well, but sometimes still forward and charming enough, no-cutlery pick-me-up picnic. 1 x small packet of raisins (Sun falls prey to certain Tennant-ish but it’s likely her fi xation on the Maid are particularly good- if you affectations, like the hyperactive Doctor at the expense of her You will need: do go crazy through overwork need to explain everything in one adorably dorky fi ancée might wear you can always talk to the buxom gulp of breath. He plays the mad, thin after a while. Doctor Who is 1 x tub of Sainsbury’s Basics grape harvester on the packet) adolescent eccentric better than at its best solving mysteries and Smoked Fish Paté (I never 1 x Sainsbury’s Basics Chocolate Tennant did, possibly because at fi ghting off terrible monsters, though I’d say this, but with a Mousse (I wonder if my plugging 27, he’s a far better embodiment which is why episodes like Flesh dash of pepper it’s actually highly these will produce the same level of those traits than a 34-year-old and Stone (featuring the terrifying appealing) of rioting as the Delia-Waitrose- in Converse trainers. There’s Weeping Angels) work so well. Jacob’s Cream Crackers (like a rhubarb fi asco?) Beyoncé is looking retro and something a little bit arch and Any pathos that does come out of fl aky, creamy hug in a packet) 4 x Ladies’ fi ngers (to eat your gorgeous in this new video which removed about this Doctor: he the series emerges as a by-product Fenland celery (local, leafy, takes mousse with; alternatively just moots the implausible idea that gets overexcited about fi sh fi ngers of a rollicking good alien-fi ghting a long time to eat, thus extending coat a spoon with sugar) the beautiful and loaded singer is and custard in the pilot, but seems time, and the writers would proba- your lunch break exponentially) 1 x can of Relentless, 3 x Pro-Plus suffering from unrequited love. relatively unfazed by condemn- bly do well to remember that. 1 x Philadelphia mini tub and 1 tbsp of ground coffee. Shame about the song. ing an entire race to extinction in ZING TSJENG (for dipping your celery in. (You’re set.) 12 Friday May 14th 2010 Theatre Editor: Lydia Onyett THEaTrE www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Michelle PhilliPs View from the Hitchcock Groundlings Blonde aDC tHeatre  adies and gents, I’m sorry to do this, but I’m going to Lhave to say something about Hitchcock Blonde, the ADC’s latest production, that I never thought I’d say about anything or to anyone ever. Here it is: I’m not angry that this play wasn’t as good as I expected. I’m disappointed. Very disappointed. Much as I tried to leave my expectations at the Cambridge Theatre auditorium door, the hype gener- ated by a fortnight’s worth of aster Term. Two night- publicity packed with images of mare-inducing words sexy blondes, hacked celluloid and Ethat strike fear into the nonchalantly half-finished drinks hearts of even the most stoic generated a tidal wave of excite- among us and transform the ment that, from the play’s opening a normal person who’d somehow was the guiltiest culprit, drivel- the context of the play as a whole, Cam into a swirling whirlpool of scenes, swiftly turned into nothing wandered into the midst of a ling on about Dover sole, after especially after Hitchcock’s more blood. Well, not really, but I do more than a small and rather Hitchcock-based panto, complete about ten frustrating minutes of interesting musings on how to hear Christ’s is on suicide watch. underwhelming puddle of awkward with its very own desperate, self- which, if anyone had so much as capture nudity without showing So, in preparation, you’ve all lines and people gratuitously importantly garrulous blonde and a someone explicitly naked. presumably taken drastic but getting their tits out. whining, self-pitying media student It was the play’s ending that responsible steps towards total To be fair, though I’m who’s out to ‘find herself’. There “I’m disappointed me most. Long lockdown. You’ve said a tearful unimpressed with the play as a was even a part when said student before it had properly finished, it goodbye to Cindies, grudg- whole, it did have some redeem- talked about herself as though she disappointed. felt as though it was drawing to ingly acknowledged the dusty, ing features. The mysterious film were two girls – the normal one a quiet and unassuming close, in cobwebbed pile of books on your reel, whose plot is being unravelled and the off-the-rails one she was Very which Hitchcock and Alex have desk and blocked Facebook. And throughout the play, is beautifully afraid Alex might not be able to an implausible conversation about student theatre will soon curl up evocative of Hitchcock’s work and love. Oh per-lease. disappointed.” his obsession with blondes, cut and hibernate until May Week – contains some gorgeously arranged However, after sitting through with whiny student’s thoughts even more of an excuse, then, to stills, which frankly I could have an hour of this, what really began on life after the breakdown of catch the last of it this week. happily watched instead of the to grate was the way that charac- mentioned fish to me again, my her relationship with Alex. Short The Odd Couple continues action on stage. That’s not to say ters constantly sustained two first reflex would either have been of beaming Hitchcock up off the at the ADC: in brief, two that all of the roles were badly entirely different conversations at to weep uncontrollably or simply stage, there was no way such an completely different women put together: Simon Haines’s once. It was funny for all of about to punch them in the face. Matters anti-climactic ending could be (one a slob, the other mildly performance as Alex, a semiotics five seconds of any given scene. were not helped along by the way saved. The reason I’m so disap- obsessive-compulsive) are forced professor in a mid-life crisis, was After this, my patience began that, in an attempt to inject some pointed is that Hitchcock Blonde to share a house and hilarity compellingly and brilliantly natural to wear thin as the play became interest, some of the characters wasn’t an entirely bad play: it’s just ensues. Yes, you’ve heard it amongst a crowd of shrieking increasingly dull and disjointed. had nude scenes that I still cannot that it could have been so much before, but some gentle, light stereotypes. In fact, he looked like Hitchcock himself (Will Seaward) justify as having any coherence in better. augustina Dias comedy might be just what the doctor ordered. And it’s produced by the intriguingly- hree long illness attrib- unny story: was sometimes named John Lewis Drama Group years have Guys and Dolls uted directly to my dad chose Entertaining absent, with a – there might be free lipstick or Tpassed arts tHeatre her unmarried Fto cement his Mr Sloane perplexing grimace

pepper grinders. Or at least a since I last saw  status – deliv- marriage proposal COrpus playrOOM filling the void. discount voucher. a musical – Lord ered with a to my mum with a  Oliver Marsh, If instead it takes comedy of the Rings, to be precise. It was a frustratingly catchy song – but production of Joe however, perfectly as black as the clouds on the disconcertingly inspired choice of also with the complete fabrication Orton’s Entertaining Mr Sloane. manifested his character’s struggle horizon to convince the extra- my mother’s, who was, at the time, of five children, so desperate is she Last night, I finally saw the method to control his sexual desires. His dedicated among you to leave rather smitten with the idea of for a sequin-free world of “wallpa- in his madness. In this excellent back-lit explosions of spittle in an your prime position in the nimble-footed, top-B-belting Orcs. per and bookends”. Maitland’s production the eponymous hero, an impassioned rant in the second library – next to the window, Yet the other night I ventured into brilliantly played disheartened enigmatic young thug, exerts his act were a spectacle, although his close enough to the coffee the Cambridge Arts Theatre in showgirl, by turns saccharine hypnotic influence over both Kath, baffling choice incorrectly to conju- machine and far enough away search of more uplifting musical and vulnerable, is at the continual his sexually voracious yet mother- gate verbs such as “you says” and from the guy sobbing in the matter, and – despite the initial mercy of her “cheap bum” fiancé ing landlady, and her brother Ed, a “I kicks you” jarred with his other- corner – try Entertaining Mr predictability of the lone, trilby- Nathan Detroit, played with a besuited (and remarkably hirsute) wise cut-glass RP delivery. Sloane at the Corpus Playroom. wearing figure on stage as we filed convincing swagger, yet a refresh- manager battling his homosexual Spot-on comic timing did justice Finally, if our beloved institu- into the auditorium – this version ing splash of self-doubt. demons. to the plethora of wonderful double- tion’s recent successes over the of Guys and Dolls impressed. The most enjoyable scenes, Orton’s kitchen sink realism entendres at the actors’ disposal, enemy haven’t filled you with It was a pleasure to see the origi- however, involve the tambourine- demands versatile, powerful acting deployed by Marsh with a suitable quite enough team spirit, watch nal script’s humour and dynamism toting ‘Save a Soul’ missionaries, and this is precisely where director amount of lascivious hand-wringing, doppelgänger jazz orchestras take centre stage, yet the charac- whose eldest member in full regalia George Johnston’s interpretation as did the inspired soundtrack that CUJO and OUJO scat to the ters’ deeper emotional complexities has more than a touch of Captain thrives. The exceptionally talented included that wilfully misheard death at the ADC on Friday in were far from neglected. Adelaide’s Birdseye about him. The mission’s Eleanor Hardy plays Kath with and ever-amusing Hendrix lyric the one-off Varsity Big Band (Jenni Maitland) claim that the church forms the brilliantly incon- intelligent tones of pathos and “Excuse me while I kiss the sky.” Battle. Or if you’re really intent absence of an anniversary present gruous setting for the exuberant, cunning; the mock-modesty with The true star of the show, however, on musical procrastination, I’ve from her fiancé of fourteen years gospel-inspired ‘Sit Down You’re which she takes up her knitting was Mr Sloane’s wardrobe, heard rumours of a Sing-Along- doesn’t bother her because it Rockin’ The Boat’, for which the while wearing a nipple-flaunting comprising a leather ensemble A-Sound-Of-Music evening at “makes her feel like she’s married” choreography, unlike other rather nightdress and insisting that her worthy of the Village People, and a the Corn Exchange. Good lord. was the best example: it not only hat-reliant routines, was witty and new lodger call her ‘mama’ hints dangerously thinning pair of white Take an evening off. You can garnered a deserved laugh, but captivating. The brassy bliss of brilliantly at some sort of inverted pants. All in all, the perfect play to leave the prison for two hours. nicely straddled the line between Loesser’s eternally infectious score Oedipus complex. As Mr Sloane, conclude a marriage proposal deliv- And those black clouds? Not so comedy and poignancy. This was well and truly honoured: Orcs Stephen Bailey’s cock-sure swagger ered in a battered Toyota on the intimidating. Not so apocalyptic. speech gathered momentum with ain’t got nothing on these guys and convinced, but the psychological Seven Sisters Road, I’m sure you’ll And, most importantly, due to a self-diagnosed psychosomatic dolls. Haxie Meyers-Belkin complexity this character requires agree. Haxie Meyers-Belkin break on the glorious morn of May Week. See you on the other guide to star ratings:  Chlorine green  dishwater blonde Cheap highlights  peroxide power side. lyDia Onyett  blonde bombshell Theatre Ed tor Lyd a Onye Friday May 14th 2010 13 theatre@varsty co uk www varsty co uk TEATRE

Two to and focuses on in light of every only be an improvement in direc- Moth and Maudie, and not just for ADC BAR other failed couple who wander in tion, the following couples felt the way that Moth attempted to Outgoing  and out of the pub. less stilted and the play’s overall chat up random members of the If Two had but one fault, it was oop-North-ness was far more audience with a pathetic spiel, must say, the blurb for Two its slow start. It was as though subtle. but as someone with a penchant made me pretty sceptical. the actors were surprised at how In Two’s defence, all of the other for 80s pop I also appreciated his IThere are two actors, fourteen stereotypically Northern they characters were crafted with a chronic dancing to ‘There Must roles, and it all takes place in the could be. You know what I mean: huge amount of attention to detail, Be An Angel’. On the fl ipside, the (relatively cramped) ADC bar. The the landlord a middle-aged, oblivi- and displayed superb comic timing. claustrophia and unpredictability words ‘weird’ and ‘avant-garde’ ous husband shuffl es in to the bar You also fi nd, over the course of the of the Igers’ abusive marriage had sprang to mind. I was expecting whilst his wife, realising she too play, that you end up picking your me perched right on the edge of my lots of shrieking and deep, meaning- could be from Yorkshire, irascibly favourite couples, the ones that barstool. ful lighting changes; perhaps some waved a pint-glass in his face. made you laugh out loud the most, But the crowning moment came nonsensical but self-pitying drivel Thankfully, down to what can or even cry. I loved the hapless at the end. As much as you see about the futility of life, after which MICHELLE PHILLIPS the ups and downs of every other The Year at a Glance I would be advantageously situated couple’s lives, the pub’s owners are near enough to the bar to drown the one mystery. They snipe at each ll aboard fl ight ADC the sorrows of a wasted hour in other inexplicably – why? You fi nd (Destination: Theatre) for white wine and Maltesers. out at the end. Without giving too Aa whistle-stop run-down In fact, I was very pleasantly much away, Soden’s performance of 2009-2010, beginning with surprised. Two, a play by Jim moved me to as tearful a state as three tours. CAST opened the Cartwright (of Little Voice fame) him – and I don’t cry at plays. year with a fun, solid produc- is funny, endearing and tragic in The real strength of Two is that tion of Shakespeare’s mediocre equal measure. It centres on a small you don’t feel as though you’re Two Gentleman of Verona; Northern pub and the comings and watching a play set in a bar. You Footlights offered a tourshow goings of its regulars, all of whom feel as though you’re in the pub that had some nice moments are in some kind of dysfunctional with the couples, despite what but too few laughs; and ETG yet inextricable relationship. What turned out to be very good lighting gave a Dream which was makes it all the more impressive is changes and speeches on life’s futil- visually spectacular but lacked that only two actors, the eye-water- ity. It’s quirky and thoughtful, and depth. ingly talented and versatile Oliver what’s more, it had me humming The Footlights’ Spring Soden and Lowri Amies are playing Eurythmics songs all the way Revue, another big establish- not only all the regulars, but also home. What’s not to like? ment production, was an the owners, whom the play returns AUGUSTINA DIAS innovative attempt to solve the structural problem of the MICHELLE PHILLIPS mainshow sketchshow slot, but et’s and forced was also, like a Wagner opera engage The Red Shoes dancing of our or a Footlights Panto, overly HOMERTON AUDITORIUM Lin a tiny red-hoofed long and thereby diluted its thought experi-  protagonist is truly excellent moments with ment. Imagine interrupted by uncontrolled, samey quarter-of- you’ve stumbled upon the oldest, a quick tango with an elderly, near- an-hours. dustiest corner of the library, and blind woman, for example. Next stop, musicals. CUMTS’ from the top shelf you pluck the The story is essentially a Wizard of Oz was blighted by a oldest, dustiest book. You open redemptive one, based upon poorly-chosen divaish director its tattered shell to fi nd that the temptation, desire, and being whose Big Concept resulted pictures inside are dancing; one careful of what you wish for. in incommunicable rubbish agitated tableau after another. Of course, if what you wish for that nearly undermined some The moving marionettes make happens to be a simple pair of red good performances and some you smile, and like a Victorian tap shoes my suggestion would inspired Munchkins; CUADC’s music-box it’s somehow daintily be to raise your sights a little. Annie Get Your Gun was mesmerising. Hans Christian Andersen, on the paper-thin, but fun, with strong Imaginatively staged and other hand, issues a more sinis- performances and stronger brilliantly conceived, The Red ter warning: you may soon fi nd choreography. Shoes looked and felt exactly like yourself dancing until you “are just The highlights of the journey, this; as though it were sketched skin and bones”, and nothing but however, are non-establish- teel hairstyles. upon crusting, brown paper. I’m “entrails”. ment: the well-deserved Magno- Steel Magnolias Yet to leave not saying it was jaded or conven- This may seem less than charm- opportunities for actresses Slias was ADC THEATRE it at such a tional – the cross-dresser at the ing, but perhaps my description and the stunning end sequence originally a  shallow evalu- piano would beg to differ – in fact, does little justice to the vivid of The House of Bernarda fi lm starring ation would be it artfully married nostalgia and tangibility of the production. Alba; the glorious silliness of everyone ever famous in the 1980s. wrong: these women can act. innovation. Moments of stand-alone Perhaps you have to see it to Armageddapocalypse; excellent On my arrival, the auditorium was Initial stereotypes expanded narrative were cleverly woven understand, and urge you to see it script, staging and acting in half full, and consisted primarily hugely as the play progressed, into a fast-paced overarching plot, I would. You require more cajol- The Blue Room; opportunities, of women who looked like they’d resulting in some of the best perfor- which meant that moments of high ing? Then I remind you that entry energy and accomplishment probably remember Julia Roberts’ mances I’ve seen in Cambridge. emotional temperature were often is free, and that Homerton isn’t in The 24-Hour Plays; Josh birth, let alone her role in the fi lm The development of the relation- abruptly dissolved in a burst of that far away, honestly. Higgott’s very, very strong – a fact that did nothing to allay my ship between Truvy (Hannah mirth or bathos: when the painful RHYS JONES performance in Skylight; and, pre-show trepidation. Not that the Blaikie) and her assistant (Alice fi nally, the charming loveliness older lady cannot be discerning, but Wainwright) was entirely believ- DANIEL STRANGE of The Story of a Great Lady the primary audience demographic able. Jess Labhart as Clairee was (Tamara Astor onstage is an suggested Steel Magnolias was both funny and caustic during her irresistible force of nature). going to be stuck in its dated mould. exchanges with Liane Grant, who Gripe of the year? Scripts. A More fool me. showed impeccable comic timing poor script is like a plane with As Dolly Parton began to ring as Ouiser. It was the relationship passengers but no wings. But, out over the speakers, and the between Shelby (Charlotte Reid) of course, what also makes curtain revealed a pink-and-cream and her mother M’Lynn (Phoebe for crap theatre is the inevi- beauty parlour complete with Haines) that drew us closest to table uninventive, unengaged sashaying owner and pink sweater- the characters – their beautifully re-hashing of a GCSE set-text ed employee, I confess I began pitched exchanges and Haines’ ‘classic’. So this coming year, to worry for the few men in the fi nal speech were, quite honestly, give us good plays that people audience. The dialogue was fast, perfect. are passionate about, labours funny and frivolous, and the Louisi- Gush over. This play is admit- of love. And I won’t care if the ana accents were credible, but the tedly something of a chick fl ick, plane doesn’t fl y, as long as the play still took some getting used to. but most boys will probably, very passengers fl ap their arms like By the end of the fi rst act, however secretly, enjoy it. See it – and wear Tamara Astor. I wanted to be friends with these waterproof mascara. SIMON HAINES women – hell, I even wanted their KIRAN MILLWOOD HARGRAVE 14 Friday May 14th 2010 Listings Editor: Hugo Gye ListinGs www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Listings Pick of the Term The Beethoven Ensemble trinity college chapel, may 29th 20.00 (£3/8/12) One of Cambridge’s finest orchestras returns for its final concert of the year with an evening of “folk song, dance and merriment”. They will be playing Beethoven’s Violin Concerto and Sibelius’ Third Symphony. Tickets are only £3 for students. This is a ruddy bargain.

Music Talks Film & Nightlife Theatre Arts & Events

Out now Today The Odd Couple Today Wednesday May 19th Robin Hood Mr Hudson adc theatre, fri & sat 19.45 (£7/10) Museums at Night The world of espionage: the My name is Robin of Loxley, com- junction, 19.00 (£12.50) Is that the sound of the ADC barrel fitzwilliam museum, 18.00-20.30 (free) Cambridge connection mander in the crusader armies, You know him. He had a song about being scraped? The protagonists’ Part of a national initia- university library, 17.30 (free/£3) loyal servant to the true king Rich- taking over, being a supernova, etc. names alone (Florence and Olive, Pick tive, this is a unique Peter Martland is giving a talk to ard the Lionheart, and I will have He was friends with Kanye West. now you ask) might put you off. But of the chance to wander round link in with the current UL exhibi- my forest, in this life or the next. He was on Buzzcocks. YOU KNOW. give it a chance – it’ll probably beat term the Fitz at night, see tion, ‘Under Covers: Documenting We’re hoping for a Gladiator, it’ll Anyway, no unaccompanied under- revision. Arts Maggie Hambling’s new Spies’. Given the notorious links probably be a Kingdom of Heaven. 14s allowed, so at least it won’t be exhibition (below) and between Cambridge alumni and the full of paedos. Entertaining Mr Sloane take part in a variety of nautical- Secret Service, this should be both Friday May 21st corpus playroom, fri & sat 19.30 (£5/6) themed activities. The cafe’s open Joe Orton overload? This time Pem- enlightening and entertaining. The StreetDance 3D Kettle’s Yard Lunchtime too (sigh) but it should be a wonder- broke Players give the heavyweight talk is free for students. In order to win the Concert fully civilised evening out. Pick kettle’s yard, 13.10 (free) playwright a go: this one centres on Objects of History ‘Street Dance Champi- Talented undergrads Jo Songi, a con man, a landlady and a rather of the onships’, a dance crew fitzwilliam museum, 18.00 (£8/10) term Kate Whitley and Matt Fletcher brutal-sounding murder. Ongoing Exhibitions Neil MacGregor, have to learn ballet. Film perform music by Janacek, Intriguing. Check Sculpture Promenade 2010 Pick Director of the British Britain’s Got Talent hits of the Messiaen and Britten. out the trailer at fitzwilliam museum lawns, until october Museum, delivers a the big screen in this treasure trove 25th (free) term Musos don’t like being http://tiny.cc/ special lecture on the of a film: N-Dubz do the soundtrack, The celebrated Sculpture Prom- Events told that their music pndl3 role of physical objects Diversity and Flawless star, music enade is returning to the grounds is ‘relaxing’ – none- in understanding history. The talk by Cheryl Cole, and did we mention of the Fitzwilliam for a second year. theless, this sounds Varsity is part of the ongoing ‘History of it’s 3D? It’s a free installation of work by tal- pretty relaxing. Big the World in 100 Objects’ project. ented, contemporary sculptors from Band Despite the hefty entrance fee, this Friday May 28th the Royal British Society. Set in the Monday May 17th Battle is an unmissable opportunity to Tooth Fairy glorious weather, the North Lawn Dinosaur Jr adc theatre, hear the views of one of Britain’s The Rock implausibly teams up fri 23.00 (£5/6) Café will also be open for hot drinks, junction, 19.00 (£18) most prominent public intellectuals. with Stephen Merchant (of Ricky For obvious reasons, University cakes and light refreshments. Gervais fame) to make a bid for the Challenge, Nirvana won’t be play- Agnes Martin Friday May 21st worst film of all time. Minor League ing in Cambridge any the Boat Devil’s Advocate: The kettle’s yard, until july 11th (free) Hockey player becomes a tooth time soon; but you CAN Race, the Agnes Martin is the sort of artist Fashion Industry Has Been fairy after he robs a dollar from his go and see one of their most Goat Race... who says things like “My interest Bad for Feminism girlfriend’s daughter. Tagline: “The influential forerunners, Dinosaur No pressure on is in experience that is wordless judge business school, 19.30 (free) Tooth Hurts”. Jr, somewhat legendary 80s grunge our jazz orchestra to beat and silent, and in the fact that this The last in a series of Radio 4 pioneers. Unfortunately, your the loathed enemy, then. Perhaps Sex and the City 2 experience can be expressed for me programmes, presented by David decision may be affected by their they’ll use their trombones as After 94 episodes, 6 seasons, and 1 in art which is also wordless and Aaronovitch, in which public figures delusion that they can still justify weapons? film, the HBO franchise which just silent.” Nonetheless, her paintings must argue positions which they charging £18 for a ticket. won’t die takes an oh-so-typical English Touring Opera are rather nice and colourful. Go for do not hold. For free tickets to the recording at the business school, sojourn to Abu Dhabi. It was Thursday 10th June arts theatre, may 26th-29th 19.30 (£15-35) a genial revision break. going to be filmed on location until Blondie A rare chance to catch three stellar e-mail [email protected]. authorities realised ‘sex in the city’ operas: Don Pasquale, The Mar- corn exchange, 19.30 (£35) Monday May 24th is precisely what they don’t like. This band, on the other riage of Figaro and A Midsummer Filming took place in Morocco. Night’s Dream. The programme 37th Cambridge Beer Pick hand, can charge as Festival of the much as they like for promises “A Season of Happy Prince of Persia: jesus green, mon: 17.30-22.30 (£3.50); tues-fri term tickets. Because they’re Endings” – sounds like the perfect 12.00-15.00 (free) & 17.30-22.30 (£3.50); sat 12.00-22.30 Sands of Time Music BLONDIE. The perfect exam-stress antidote. (£2.50) Based on a video game, Jake Gyllen- For a less cerebral but equally lead-in to May Week, Witness for the Prosecution haal plays a Persian street urchin in surely: one of the greatest bands edifying experience, head to Jesus Disney’s follow up to Pirates of the arts theatre, may 31st-june 5th 17.45 (£10-27) Green for the latest CAMRA beer of the 70s, playing “a combination For those of you wanting an easier Caribbean. Gyllenhaal becomes heir of new music from their upcoming festival. An unbeatable selection of to the throne, but has to rescue the problem to solve than that mind- refreshing beverages and bearded album and classic hits”. You can go boggling maths question, try an Sands of Time (which control time) and get a drink during those new middle-aged men. from Ben Kingsley’s preposterously evening of Agatha Christie. Good bits. kitsch fun. Maggie Hambling: The Tuesday June 8th evil nobleman. Wave Innovation in India: A Every Tuesday Chess Friday July 2nd TCMS Evening Recitals fitzwilliam museum, until august 8th (free) Threat to the West clare hall, 18.00 (free) Shrek Forever After trinity college chapel, 22.00 (free) adc theatre, june 1st-5th (£7/10) Grouchy artist Maggie Hambling Cunning, smooth-talking sneak Trinity College Music Society The ADC plays host to a (above) unveils a series of paint- Professor Jaideep Prabhu, Jawaha- Pick rlal Nehru Professor at the Judge Rumpelstilskin tricks Shrek into presents a series of recitals at of the more thought-provoking ings based on the North Sea. They entering an alternative version of night to help us all escape from term musical, centring on were inspired by the Suffolk coast, Business School, talks as part of Far Far Away. Donkey is a cart the horrifying reality of existence. Theatre the love-lives of two so might be a lazy alternative to Clare Hall’s India Week. Even if puller who has never met Shrek, Trinity’s finest musicians are professional chess play- visiting said coast. For a lazy alter- you have no interest in the world’s Puss in Boots is fat and lazy, and performing a variety of music, from ers. And if that’s not enough, it was native to visiting this exhibition, future, there’s a reception after- Fiona can’t stand Shrek. Did we jazz to romantic German songs (this composed by those hairy guys from there’s a video about it on the Fitz wards. Something for everyone, mention it’s 3D? is not an oxymoron). ABBA. website. then. to have something listed on these pages, e-mail [email protected] by no later than monday on the week of publication. CAMBRIDGE WINE MERCHANTS CAMBRIDGE AND OXFORD WINE SCHEME DRINK THE BEST FOR LESS

Cambridge and Oxford Colleges get to buy the very best wines at the lowest prices. They’re big buyers – cautious, intelligent, informed. As prestigious customers they get sought-after al locations of the best stu and amazingly low prices from the wine trade. Cambridge Wine Merchants has been a major player in this super-competitive market for 15 years. We represent many of the world’s top wineries for sales into Oxbridge Colleges and act as the conduit for discounts and sponsorship deals from major drinks brand owners and Champagne Houses etc. We’re o ering Varsity readers and their families the chance to bene t from exactly the same hot deals that colleges get on wine. There’s no fee, no obligation to buy, and a minimum order of only one dozen bottles per order. we’ll send you our latest college o ers by email every few The Varsity Politics Surveyp4-5 We asked who you would support �n the 2010 elect�on� weeks, no junk mail or marketing calls. We have a limited Check out the results �ns�de Edit this paper. Edit the website. number of free membership places available.

FRIDAY MARCH 5TH 2010 THE INDEPENDENT STUDENT NE�SPAPER SINCE 1947 ISSUE NO 716 | VARSITY.CO.UK

MICHAEL DERRINGER Hawking will Mansigani stay in Britain, despite funding Applications are invited to be a section editor, critic or voted CUSU cuts President �IC�A�D �OO�� Contrary to media reports this week, To join or for more info email [email protected] Stephen Hawking, the former Luca- sian Professor of Mathematics, has New leader pledges to make CUSU “a no plans to leave the UK for Canada in protest at the Government’s cuts more relevant, connected Un�on” in funding for higher education. This summer, Professor Hawking reporter in Michaelmas 2010. meaningful change for students, intends to make a two-month visit G���A O�� showing them how much CUSU can to the privately-funded Perimeter empower them to do.” Institute for Theoretical Physics, in Rahul Mansigani will be the new The positions of CUSU Coordina- Ontario, where he already holds the CUSU President after a decisive win tor, Ethical Affairs and Access were visiting position of Distinguished in the CUSU elections. uncontested, electing Chris Lillycrop, Research Chair. Mansigani won the vote with an 11 Sophie Hemery and Jamie Gibson, A report in the Daily Mail sug- per cent majority over rival candi- and Andy McGowan respectively. gested that this visit was a precursor date Beccy Talmy, taking a total of The numbers of voters who chose to to taking up a permanent position at 1403 votes. Talmy took 1103 votes, reopen nominations for his Coordina- the Institute. According to Profes- while 232 people voted to reopen tor position was 20.4 per cent, which sor Hawking’s website, though, this nominations. represents a much higher proportion is untrue: “It looks like Stephen’s This year’s turnout was lower than than that for the same position last graduate assistant, Sam Blackburn, Cambridge Branches: that of last year – only 13.1 per cent year, Clare Tyson, where only 9.8 per has been misquoted again.” of the electoral roll voted, down from cent of votes were for R.O.N. The University released a state- a turnout of 21.2 per cent last year. The Womens’ Offi cer position was ment on Wednesday which stated: Speaking exclusively to Varsity, closely contested, with Sarah Peters- “Professor Stephen Hawking is Mansigani said that he was “thrilled” Harrison narrowly coming ahead of Director of Research in the Centre Application forms are available for download from varsity. with the results and was looking Anna Goulding, taking 48 per cent of for Theoretical Cosmology in the forward to working for Cambridge the vote. Department of Applied Mathematics students next year. Although the proportion of stu- and Theoretical Physics at the Uni- “I really hope to develop CUSU into dents voting in this year’s elections versity of Cambridge. He will remain a more relevant, connected Union, fell, Maria Helmling, Education so in the long term. As part of his King’s Parade – near the mental clock and will be putting all my effort into Offi cer Elect, has described voter research he expects to make annual making sure that we’re there to interest as “extremely encouraging”. visits to the Perimeter Institute for actively support JCRs, MCRs and She added, however, that CUSU Theoretical Physics in Waterloo, individual students, as well as put- could do more to boost the profi le of Canada.” ting pressure on the University on the elections and awareness of who Professor Hawking has been issues like the sports centre, rents can vote. sharply critical of the Government’s co.uk/jobs and access,” he said. Of the new CUSU team she said, plans to cut £1 billion of funding for Runner-up Talmy said that she “I think the new sabbatical team has When Jesse Came To Town higher education in the UK. hoped her campaign had changed the real potential to change CUSU, ivil rights activist and Baptist minister Jesse Jackson visited Cam- the way people think of CUSU as a Faculties and Colleges for the better Bridge Street – near Magdalene Bridge Cbridge on Monday to give a speech at the Union. The minister was > student voice in the University. She and achieve concrete change in given three standing ovations and an honorary membership, with his Essayp11 9 said, “I feel incredibly glad to have Cambridge”. speech addressing the world fi nanical crisis and the tragically high 0 convinced over a thousand people Mansigani was also elected as an Charlott e levels of gun crime in the US. Earlier in the day Jackson, who had been 2 0

that it’s more important for CUSU NUS Delegate for the forthcom- 0

a key member of Martin Luther King’s Southern Christian Leadership H�gg�ns� 4

to campaign for greater fairness and ing year along with Fatima Junaid, 4 Conference, attended a tour of the American Cemetery in Madingley. Class�cs for 4 equality within the University and Amy Taylor, Beccy Talmy and Luke Refl ecting on casualties caused by war, Jackson condemned the wars in 8 5

beyond, than to provide discounts Hawksbee. Morgan Wild was elected 7

Iraq and Afghanistan, stating “there are some wars that must be fought, everyone 1 and throw parties. Student Support Officer whilst 7 and there are others made for TV dramas it seems”. See p6 for the Var- 7

“I can only hope that [Rahul] Amina Rai Mumtaz is the new Presi- 9 sity interview. LAURIE TUFFREY Mill Road – corner of Covent Garden will fi ght hard to bring about truly dent of the Graduate Union. The deadline for applications is Friday May 28th.

If you have any questions, please e-mail the Michaelmas 2010 editor, Joe Pitt-Rashid, at [email protected]

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Season ends Church ll w th Tr n ty’s unbeaten f rst Cuppers so far as v ctory s nce Cuppers gets 1974 underway Football SPORT Cricket

FOOTBALL Blues lose Varsity Match on penalties

ED THORNTON

The Cambridge team just after losing the penalty shoot-out often promise impressive perfor- after it pinballed its way to the goal helpless Ferguson into the bottom- issued the only yellow card of the CAMBRIDGE mances but both teams failed to line before being scrambled away left-hand corner in the 88th minute. game, though he denied Cambridge 1 display their known quality through- by right back Michael Johnson, From open-play Oxford threat- another penalty for the fi rst of the out. As hundreds of Cambridge later substituted after sustaining ened to equalise throughout the two challenges. OXFORD supporters arrived late to outnum- an unfortunate injury. His replace- half, de Walden looping a thirty yard However, Mason judged a weari- 1 ber the mediocre support from ment Chris Peacock wasted no time effort over the bar replicating the some push into the back of Oxford’s Oxford they may have regretted introducing himself to the fi nal with landing place of his previous headed striker, Alex Biggs, worthy of the AI OGANVAN missing one of Cambridge’s betters enlivening ferocity. attempt. As Oxford loosened their free kick which Kelly dispatched chances in the game, which saw Goalkeeper Stuart Ferguson stranglehold on the game in search emphatically. The quality of the goal Changing the location of the 126th centre-back Dan Gywnther striking was reduced to a kicking game but of the leveller, it was clear that more was unarguable, in contrast to the Varsity Football Match from over after 10 minutes. his clearance on the half hour was space for Cambridge’s impressive disfi gured performance from both Craven Cottage to Cambridge Gywnther was one of few players fl icked on by striker Hylands for Matt Stock would follow. teams. Bettering Kelly’s technique United’s Abbey Stadium may have who acclimatised to the jittery the rapid Matt Stock whose pace With overdue passes to his feet was beyond even Stock’s set-play returned the teams to the home city environment as the Cambridge and trickery put Oxford left-back and with time to turn, Stock threat- ability as he dipped a free kick of modern association football, but midfield struggled to overcome Squires in a trance, conceding a ened to put the game beyond Oxford narrowly over the bar during extra it was Oxford who left victorious as Oxford’s strong positional plan. reckless penalty. Baxter made no setting up Paul Hartley to strike a time. their goalkeeper, Bahamian inter- Obstinate and compact, Oxford mistake, sliding it past the keeper. long range effort into the gloves of Ending the affair in live play was national Dwayne Whylly, saved withstood increasing pressure The crowd were ecstatic for at Whylly and forcing an opportunity not to be as the fi nal Oxford corner miraculously from Mark Baxter’s from lofted passes into their box as least a minute as hesitant chants for James Day who headed wide. landed innocently on the top of penalty in a shoot-out which had Cambridge’s midfi elders looked to refl ected the diffi dent performance. The energised Stock stood out as, the Cambridge net. If Cambridge looked inevitable. the sky in frustration. Only after a couple of good saves after 75 minutes, players dropped appeared the more deserving they Springing horizontally to tip the Oxford’s defensive intentions from each keeper could both teams simultaneously to the ground to were left praising the hands of the penalty – destined for the top corner mirrored their attacking threat. rethink their approach for the stretch tiring legs. Introducing Jamie Oxford goalkeeper who produced – onto the inside of the left hand Piling their ‘big men’ into the box at second half, which proved more Rutt and Danny Kerrigan to ease the fi nest moment of creativity in post, Whylly’s minor touch proved every possible opportunity resulted eventful. the strain, Cambridge tormented the game to accompany fi ve fault- decisive in a game seldom blessed in tame headers bouncing wide. James Kelly, Oxford’s technically Oxford for a second goal. Kerrigan less Oxford penalties. with creativity and stifl ed by major Despite their physical prowess, gifted left midfi elder, provided the soon felt the brunt of two horren- hype. the Dark Blues were harmless and outstanding moment with a twenty- dous hacks from Oxford for which Head to varsiTV.co.uk for full highlights of this year’s Varsity Match. Ceremonious sporting occasions only a long throw proved troubling fi ve yard free kick fl ying beyond the Premier League referee Lee Mason