Script 3 Sparta

Cast needed: Tyndareus, Leda, Clytemnestra, Helen, Agamemnon, Menelaus, Odysseus

Tyndareus: I’m so relieved that I’m marrying our oldest daughter Clytemnestra off to Agamemnon, king of Mycenae. It’s the most powerful kingdom in Greece, so she’ll be set. So what if he’s a ruthless thug who’s just hungry for land, money and women. Women in ancient Greece are considered items to be bought and sold. I’m just complying with the times.

Leda: Oh goody! A wedding party! As queen, I get to be in charge of decorating. Since I’m a fairly empty headed woman, and even if I wasn’t I would have no say in the matter of marrying off my daughter, so I agree. If only we could get her little sister Helen married as well. She’s so pretty. I’m surprised that you haven’t lined someone up for her.

Tyndareus: Well, first of all, she’s the daughter of a swan. Right, I know, you said it was Zeus in the form of a swan, but either way, it’s a little wacky. Second, she’s so pretty that no matter who I pick there will be a war. Some other bloke will think I should have picked him as husband, and all kinds of fighting will break out. It’s too bad her brothers Castor and Pollux can’t be here to help out, but they keep getting into trouble.

Leda: What about that nice Theseus man? He’s a king and he had a real interest in Helen.

Tyndareus: You moron! He kidnapped her! Besides, he’s dead now.

Leda: I know! At Clytemnestra’s wedding, we can have some kind of contest and let the suitors themselves decide.

Tyndareus: Great idea Leda. Here come the suitors now. Hey suitors, I’ve decided to let you guys decide for yourself who gets to marry Helen.

Clytemnestra: Hey! I thought this was my wedding! This is supposed to be about my special day. What’s going on here!?

Leda: Oh hush Clytemnestra. You’ve always had more spunk than is appropriate for a Greek woman. Learn your place and be quiet.

Agamemnon: Although I’m a boorish prig and would like nothing better than to have multiple wives, even I see the how this would be a bad decision to marry sisters on one day. But who gets her?

Odysseus: I have an idea Agamemnon. But first let me tell you a little about myself. I’m king of Ithaca, a small island off the western cost of Greece, and I have a wife named Penelope. I’m also considered very clever with lots of good ideas. Finally, I’m quite the ladies man, if you know what I mean. Why don’t we have all the available suitors draw straws and whomever wins, gets Helen. But to make it fair, all have to promise that no matter who wins her, they won’t ever raise arms against the husband and they’ll all defend the husband against other men who try to take Helen.

Agamemnon: What a good idea. You really are clever Odysseus. It’s as if Athena was guiding you. Let’s try that.

Straws are drawn.

Agamemnon: And the winner is my baby brother Menelaus! And as an added benefit, Menelaus will also become king of Sparta once Tyndareus kicks the bucket.

Tyndareus: But what about my sons Castor and Pollux? Shouldn’t they inherit?

Agamemnon: I’ve got a feeling that once you’re gone, they’ll be gone as well.

Helen: But I don’t want to marry Menelaus. He has red hair and it clashes with my many outfits.

Menelaus: Too bad woman. My fiery temper just matches my hair. Let’s go!