Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 news2
Stony Brook? More Like “Evict Yo’ Ass” Brook . e notice stated that Campus Resi - Keller College, said that even though sity, called the construction disruptive. dences would offer the “several hun - she was able to stay at a friend’s house, “It takes a lot away from the university.” By Erin J. Mansfield dred” displaced students other housing she was still very resentful of the situa - Adding that it is dangerous, the RA said, arrangements on campus for the night, tion: “We have to get up at seven, bring “ere aren’t even warning signs placed Residents of Kelly and Roosevelt but went on to warn that, “In this case, our stuff back and then go to class.” anywhere. ey had three months [in Quads returned to their dorms the you would be required to bring your Jabsky added that aer her four the summer] to do this when the night of ursday, February 5, to find own pillow and blankets to make your - years at SBU, she was not surprised. “I ground wasn’t frozen. It doesn’t look out that both their heat and hot water self comfortable on a carpeted floor feel like everything [Campus Resi - like they’re getting anything done.” would be shut off from Saturday morn - But the students on campus got very ing until Monday aernoon in order to creative. One student said he would put fix a broken pipe. his clothes in the dryer before he wore “Please make appropriate accom - them, in order to keep warm. Another modations for your comfort,” the signs said that she had to heat water on the plastered around their buildings read. stove in her kettle to bathe on Saturday “Personal space heaters are not permit - morning. Some wanted to stay in their ted in the residence halls.” dorm rooms and just bundle themselves Most students found that the only in sweatshirts and blankets until Mon - answer was to leave campus on Friday, day morning. but some have jobs in the area on the David Meis, a freshman from New weekends and were obligated to stay. Jersey who lives in Stimson College, For students who do not live in the area, said that the short notice meant he especially out-of-state and international could not get a discounted price for an students, this was an even bigger prob - LIRR ticket to get away from campus on Roman Sheydcasser lem. Residents who stayed resorted to One of many evicted students. Friday. Asked if he intended to return to cold showers, or trekking across cam - SBU next year, Meis said, “I don’t want pus to the SAC gym or neighboring overnight.” dences does] is kind of backwards,” she to, but I have to.” He is still living in a dorms. is is the latest of events over the said. “Why couldn’t they fix this before freshman triple. On Sunday night, RAs went door- past school year where utilities have the students moved back in?” Asked if “I don’t really have anywhere to go, to-door to ask their residents to vacate been cut off due to construction, caus - she intended to write to Campus Resi - because I’m from Buffalo,” said fresh - their rooms because temperatures ing students great discomfort. In other dences to be reimbursed, she said she man Brittany Kalosza, a resident of would be below freezing. At 7:19 p.m., situations, water was completely cut off hadn’t decided. Greeley College who works at the Kelly Campus Residences posted an alert on from the buildings, meaning that resi - Both Quad Directors and Residence Dining Center on the weekends. “All my the front of the SBU’s homepage telling dents could not even flush the toilet. Hall Directors are not allowed to com - friends live in my quad, so it’s not like I all residents of Roosevelt Quad and res - is is the first time, however, that res - ment. can go to a friend’s dorm.” idents of Baruch, Eisenhower and idents have actually been asked to leave An RA from Roosevelt Quad, who is As of Monday, Campus Residences Dewey buildings in Kelly Quad to find their dorms. also forbidden by contract from dis - had not reported any intention to reim - other arrangements for the night. Marina Jabsky, a senior who lives in closing information about the univer - burse students for the inconvenience. Where Have All The Internets Gone? the Internet since the start of the se - Some students, like Venka, who is a affected. at includes all the RA’s, the mester, which has been caused by the Student Assistant at the Tabler Arts RHD, our office computer, which has By Alfred Esposito use of unauthorized use of wireless Center, were skeptical of this excuse. some information we need to access routers, according to support services. “at’s what the IT people told us but online,” Cheng said. e outages have effected most that’s not a real reason in my opinion,” Christal Endler, resident of Sanger, Tabler students have one more thing buildings in Tabler Quad as recent as Venka said. Other students feel that the is uneasy about RA’s searching for wire - to gripe about besides the long walking Sunday aernoon when only Hand wireless routers are being used as a less routers. “I had a couple of instances distances to class: the Internet. Since College was le mostly unaffected ac - scapegoat in light of a larger problem where the RA’s are knocking on our the beginning of the semester, students cording to the Division of Information that IT has yet to uncover. doors cause they are hunting for router have dealt with unreliable Internet con - Technology's website. is has been the situation in Tabler and I got yelled at for room contra - nectivity due to improper wireless “It’s a dead zone,” Venka said. Quad since the end of November ac - band.” Endler said, “It’s just an invasion setup. According to Charlie Bowman, Di - cording to some. Wireless routers have of comfort for us”. Tabler SINC site attendant Shenkar rector of Client Support, wireless been getting cheaper, which allow stu - “One night when there were prob - Venka has been getting the brunt of routers give out their own IP addresses. dents to bring them from home, and lems, we found 3 or 4 wireless routers student frustration, especially this past “If you plug it in backwards it gives IP giving them the added luxury of free - plugged in incorrectly,” said Bowman. Wednesday when both resident halls addresses to the rest of the network.” If dom from the Ethernet cable while in It appears that unauthorized use of and the Tabler Arts Center SINC site you plug a router in backwards, it can their dorm rooms. wireless routers does not have an easy had no Internet access. “ere is noth - cause network problems for the whole To resolve the problem, Resident solution. “As RA's we cannot confiscate ing we can do about it on our end, we building said Bowman. Assistants and Resident Hall Directors anything,” Cheng said. “All we can re - just have to wait for client support,” When a wireless router assigns an IP took action by checking rooms looking ally do is document the residents of the Venka said. address to other users on the network, for unauthorized wireless routers. room that they have a router and ask e sign on the whiteboard on the the switch in the building rejects this Helen Cheng, an RA in Sanger Col - them to turn it off and unplug them.” door to the Tabler Arts Center SINC unrecognized IP address. e switch lege in Tabler Quad, started by putting e Tabler Quad Office refused to site read, “Internet is up (for now).” does not allow Internet access to those up signs and casually informing stu - comment on this story. Residents of Tabler Quad have been IP addresses assigned by the wireless dents. “It’s not just residents that are af - having severe problems connecting to router. fected, but all of us in the building are The Stony Brook Press News 3
Who’s Insuring The Insurers?
dent Health Plan, which is the default like for buying textbooks,” Sophomore a health care company does something plan for students who do not have Stephany Pena, a student who once had like this,” Flanagan said. “Their con - By Natalie Crnosija health insurance prior to enrollment, University Health Care, said. “This duct is a symptom of the corruption in costs $959 per academic year. Through whole situation shows the overarching corporate America.” Aetna Student Health, Aetna this plan, there exist stipulations to re - dishonesty of the insurance system.” Aetna, whose stock plunged from Health Insurance’s subsidiary, whose in - ceive health care on campus, including Katie Flanagan, a fifth year part- $57 per share to $23 between mid 2007 surees include Stony Brook students the requirement that Student Health time student, found Aetna’s conduct up - and late 2008, is slowly regaining its through the University Health Plan, un - Services (SHS) must evaluate students footing on Wall Street. Their stock derpayed $5.1 million in health care re - before they are allowed to visit the dipped upon the announcement of their imbursements by using outdated emergency room if they want to receive Student Health subsidiary’s misman - reimbursement rates between 1998 and full reimbursement, according to the “Aetna Student agement. 2008, said New York State Attorney SHS website. Though stocks have little play in General Andrew Cuomo. “Students who qualify for reim - Health...underpayed students’ view of Aetna as a company, Aetna’s underpayment of student bursement will receive notification in $5.1 million in health Stony Brook students have a poor view health charges was discovered by an in - the mail within 30 days,” said Leta Edel - of the Health Insurance company. vestigation by Cuomo’s office. It was re - son of the Student Health Center’s In - care reimbusements.” “If I had their insurance, I would be vealed that over 73,000 students at 200 surance Office. The office was reluctant very frustrated and upset,” a Stony colleges across the United States were to give further comment. Brook Junior said. affected by the rate foul-up. Of these “If you pay tuition out of pocket setting but not surprising. colleges, twenty were in New York State. and have to pay for this insurance, you “So many people do not have health The Stony Brook University Stu - could have used the money elsewhere, care who need it and it is horrible when He Thought He Could Get Away with It... But He Was Wrong! dent Affairs and Career Center, was ar - formation. “At no point were these breached. In a news release last week, rested just as he was to begin his final numbers given to [Owoseni],” Savoca police said, “The investigation indicates By Caitlin Ferrell semester. The Student Affairs office de - said. “No students have security access.” that the security of the school’s student clined to comment, but Marianna Sav - The two victims’ information was at the database was not breached and the A Stony Brook senior was arrested oca, Director of the Career Center, said Career Center as part of a scholarship number of students affected is very Jan. 26 on identity theft charges. Olu - Owoseni worked at the center only dur - program of which Owoseni had not small.” The Computer Crimes Unit, wole Owoseni, a computer science now handling the case, is continuing to major, was arraigned on Jan. 27 and contact students whose information charged with one count of first degree may have been endangered. identity theft, two counts unlawful pos - “He was a good kid,” Savoca said, session of personal identifiers and crim - adding that the office was “shocked.” It inal possession of stolen property. The is not known exactly how Owoseni ob - identity theft and stolen property tained the information. “The students charges are felonies and, if convicted, need to understand that no one ever could result in one or more years in wants these things to happen and when prison for each charge. things happen you don’t expect, you Owoseni is accused of using two must take swift action.” Students do not students’ information to apply for a Sal - have security access at the Career Cen - lie Mae student loan and credit card. ter, and Savoca said even interns who Owoseni applied for the loan online, review résumés are stressed to protect which was approved and sent directly to students’ confidentiality. the university, before the victim notified ing the summer of 2008. taken part. Owoseni did not return requests for Stony Brook police. The case was re - Savoca said Owoseni worked in Suffolk Police believe the violation comment. Stony Brook and Suffolk ferred to Suffolk County Police. clerical support and on office projects, was minor and that the Stony Brook County police did not immediately re - Owoseni, who worked for the Stu - but never had access to the students’ in - student database system was not turn requests for comment. Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 4 Editorial Board editorials Executive Editor James Laudano Managing Editor Andrew Fraley What (e Hell, Campus Residences?! Associate Editor Najib Aminy Apparently these hard economic pathetic friend’s suite elsewhere on to deal with this. Why did this problem times are a lot worse than we originally campus. Some braved the cold settings persist for so long? Business Manager thought. of their Roosevelt or Kelly rooms and Look, Campus Residences, we know Katie Knowlton In fact, these days, it seems that refused to leave. e University offered that Stony Brook is under perpetual Production Manager $2,902 doesn’t buy what it used to. A to bus students to SB Southampton for construction. It’s even kind of impres - Tia Mansouri sum that used to buy you reliable heat - the night, but we’re being told that few, sive. When we’re feeling generous, we News Editors ing and hot water, or consistent wireless if any, students took them up on it. e even enjoy likening it to some sort of Natalie Crnosija Internet, just doesn’t pull its own weight official cause of all this was the need to Classical Roman or Greek drive towards Cindy Liu anymore. is past Saturday, the heat - repair a broken pipe. What we, and creating the perfect center of learning Features Editor ing and hot water services in Roosevelt many students, want to know is, why and power. But, when we’re not feeling Alex H. Nagler Quad and three of the buildings in Kelly wasn’t this fixed earlier when we weren’t super generous, it’s goddamn ridicu - Arts Editor Quad – namely Baruch, Eisenhower all living here? lous. is isn’t the first time that this Uh-oh, spaghetti O’s... and Dewey – gave out and were not re - With regards to Tabler’s missing In - chronic construction has caused utility Photo Editors stored until late Monday morning. In ternet, one would have imagined that failures. Hell, it isn’t even the twentieth Roman Sheydvasser addition, the residents of Tabler Quad campus services would have repaired time. Either the contractors who are Liz Kaufman have been claiming that they’ve had the problem within the first few weeks screwing this up need to be replaced, or Copy Editors only three or four full days of working of class. However, students were still re - you need to knock it off, entirely – es - Erin Jayne Mansfield internet through the first two weeks of porting sporadic Internet access as late pecially when it’s the middle of a cold Chris Mellides Kelly Yu this semester. So, this all begs the fol - as Monday, February 9. Not even the and snowy winter! lowing question: “Hey, Campus Resi - SINC site in the Tabler Art Center was We’re encouraging all residents who Webmaster dences, what the hell?!” up and running in any consistent mat - were displaced by this snafu to write a Chris Williams e Roosevelt Refugees, as we’ve ter. We are being told that the cause of letter to Campus Residences expressing Audiomaster taken to calling them, were caught be - this error lies with the unauthorized their disgust. In addition, we’re encour - Andrew Fraley tween a rock and a cold place this week - wireless routers being used throughout aging each and every resident of Tabler Ombudsman end when an SB Alert text message on the quad. Considering that every quad Quad to send an angry email to Cam - Jowy Romano Sunday evening instructed students to is home to dozens, if not more, unau - pus Residences, as well. at is if your find other sleeping arrangements for the thorized wireless routers, we wonder Internet is working when you try to night. Many found sanctuary in a sym - why the university isn’t more prepared send it. Good luck.
Minister of Archives Jesse Schopefer
Layout Design by Jowy Romano
Staff Habib Aminy Frank Loiaccono Kotei Aoki Justin Meltzer Ross Barkan James Messina Vincent Barone Steve McLinden Raina Bedford Samantha Monteleone Matt Braunstein Frank Myles Tony Cai Amyl Nitrate J.C. Chan Daniel Offner Doug Cion Chris Oliveri Caroline D’Agati Ben van Overkill Joe Donato Laura Paesano Nick Eaton Grace Pak Michael Felder Rob Pearsall Vincent Michael Festa Jon Pu Joe Filippazzo Aamer Qureshi Amelia Fischer Kristine Renigen Ilyssa Fuchs Dave Robin Rob Gilheany Jessica Rybak David Knockout Ginn Joe Safdia Joanna Goodman Natalie Schultz Jennifer Hand Jonathan Singer Stephanie Hayes Nick Statt Andrew Jacob Rose Slupski Liz Kaempf Lena Tumasyan Elizabeth Kaplan Marcel Votlucka Jack Katsman Alex Walsh Yong Kim Brain Wasser Rebecca Kleinhaut Matt Thrillemain Peter Langone Jason Wirchin Iris Lin Jie Jenny Zou
The Stony Brook Press is published fortnightly during the academic year and twice during summer session by The Stony Brook Press , a student run non-profit or - ganization funded by the Student Activity Fee. The opin - ions expressed in letters, articles and viewpoints do not necessarily reflect those of The Stony Brook Press as a whole. Advertising policy does not necessarily reflect editorial policy. For more information on advertising and deadlines call (631)632-6451. Staff meetings are held Wednesdays at 1:00 pm. First copy free. Additional copies cost fifty cents. The Stony Brook Press Suites 060 & 061 Student Union SUNY at Stony Brook Stony Brook, NY 11794-3200 (631) 632-6451 Voice (631) 632-4137 Fax Email: [email protected] The Stony Brook Press 5 E-mail your letters to [email protected] letters
Yesterday, it was brought to my attention that Stony Brook Press printed on the back of the paper a statement against "Jesus" that stated F.... Jesus, Santa Rules (See attached). I was appalled and flabbergasted to see such a statement printed in the Stony Brook Press Paper. As a Christian, Physician, and Stony Brook Alumnus I denounce such use of language as well as disrespect displayed. How in the world do you permit to print such freedom of speech? is is totally inap - propriate.
Mark M. Melendez, MD, MBA Senior Resident Clinical Assistant Instructor Stony Brook University Medical Center Department of Surgery
Mr. Melendez,
Yes, the back cover of that issue was both offensive and inappropriate. Too often, we find ourselves insensitive to the Christian crowd; considering the majority of our content, you can imagine how crucial that demographic is for us. Our left-wing beliefs of civil liberties, absolute separation of church and state, and scientific education are the reasons The Stony Brook Press has been able to hold on to our loyal Christian readership for so long. We also understand how, with just a little bit of work, an edgy, anti-authoritarian publication can effectively never offend anyone. Making bold statements and challenging popular thought is a time-tested exercise in inoffensiveness, and there is no reason The Press should be any different. It is clear that, with the piece in question, the real problem lies not in the quality of humor, nor in its effectiveness in making an intelligent point. The only thing that matters here is that we offended Christians, which we never wanted to do. Until we can make our paper wholly inoffensive, we will be switching our focus onto offending Jews, African Americans, Muslims, women, Canadians, rednecks, Hoosiers, Hispanics, Haitians, Atheists, Agnostics, Jehovah Wit - nesses, Mormons, Scientologists, Wiccans, Pagans, Druids, Chinamen, the Irish, the French, ze Germans, Cylons, and worshippers at the Shrine of the Goddess Athena. If you would feel offended by The Stony Brook Press insulting or mocking any of the groups listed above, please let us know and we will cease said buffoonery as part of our larger ef - forts to be wholly inoffensive. You’re right when you suggest that we should not permit such freedom of speech. Freedom of speech can only truly be free when it is not permitted. We have rectified this misunderstanding, and are currently employing efforts to over - turn the long-standing logic that something identified by name as a “freedom” works best when not banned. Furthermore, we feel the need to clarify our intentions with the piece in question. “Fuck Jesus, Santa Rules,” as a quote, was forged after an extensive pre-holiday book club meeting. Certain editors of The Press were assigned, among many other brilliant works of fiction, the riveting and successful books The Bible and T’was the Night Before Christ - mas. After researching the cultural impacts of both books, the editors came to a conclusion. The Bible’s second part, known as “The New Testament”, sees its protagonist betrayed by his followers and gruesomely murdered by crucifixion. Inspired icons depict these final moments, so that all fans of this book carry around the image of a homeless man bleed - ing to death on a cross. T’was the Night Before Christmas, on the other hand, sees its protagonist bring joy to children everywhere by al - truistically showering them with gifts. He is considerably better fed than Jesus, has a home, dresses in red, and is char - acteristically jolly all of the time. When the editors had to choose which icon to carry with them and show their families, they chose the jolly fat guy carrying a bag of gifts over the dying homeless man. Please understand that this is our view, and we apologize for any offense it may have caused.
Request an ad packet: 20 [email protected] News Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 6
A Brook of Problems From limited hours to a dead week - thy. “Apathetic students want it right in dents, said. “ere are no firm plans but end life, students say there really isn’t their back door,” said DiMonda, who there has been discussion.” By Najib Aminy too much to do on the weekend. Stu - has been working at the University 21 Like DiMonda, Barnett said he is dents are le to make the best of it. “I years. “ey don’t want to reach out aware of the rankings and student atti - Coming off a game of pool in the am fortunate enough to know many and find it. My philosophy is the way to tudes similar to Levy’s. “ose students lower level of the commuter lounge, people in my building so I just go room make Stony Brook better for you and that are unhappy are vehemently un - Senior Paul Lyons said his Stony Brook hopping,” Cochran said. “I have fun.” your career is to find your niche.” happy, Barnet, an alum of Stony Brook, experience is not a great one. Like 6,000 Stony Brook, known to proudly dis - Junior Josh Levy found his niche said. “I don’t know if you could say that other undergraduate students, Lyons is play its accolades, is ranked third with when he joined the Wrestling Club two attitude is consistent through the cam - a commuter student and said he is “e Least Happy Students.” It is a and half years ago but said he was still pus.” But, Barnett said that it is impor - treated differently because of it. Lyons ranking that may not go in any Univer - displeased with his Stony Brook expe - tant to look at these attitudes as well as was quick to answer what he thought of sity newsletter, but a ranking that Stony rience. “It seems like people here don’t past accomplishments to know what his experience at Stony Brook. “I would Brook’s Director of Student Life, Dr. want to really do anything,” said Levy, works and what doesn’t. say it’s kind of awful. At times I feel like Susan DiMonda, takes very seriously. who was bundled up due to lack of “Our job is how to inspire students I am second class citizen just because I As a result, more programs are cre - heating in Roosevelt. “ere’s nothing and how to motivate them in the right am a commuter.” ated to try and get and students in - to do so students don’t want to do any - ways and we need to be smart too.” Lyons said commuters are treated volved and active. rough a grant of thing.” Levy said that there is very little Granted, Barnett said it is important to this way because they are unable to par - focus on large-scale events such as ticipate in school functions or become Brookfest, Stony Brook Idol, Roth Pond as active as students who dorm. “You Regatta and Strawberryfest, as it leads don’t realize it but it’s hard for com - to building tradition. “What is very im - muters to go to a professor’s office portant for a thriving student life are hours or wait around for exams at those large student programs on a night.” is alongside long waiting lines macro level that lots of people can con - at the SINC sites and expensive food nect with and create that buzz.” prices are just a few reasons Lyons said Barnett said he expects to see an in - cause his unexciting time at Stony crease in school pride and appreciation Brook. “I treat school more like a job starting with the whole campus learn - then what others might treat it like.” ing the “Go, Fight, Win” song, the e commuter lounge resembles marching band increasing membership much of how students perceive Stony to 200 and performing in the Macy’s Brook University: An enigmatic search Day Parade, an increase in televised for a bit of joy. is quest, combined athletics, and a stronger rivalry be - with the many problems of Stony tween Hofstra University and Stony Brook, leaves students dissatisfied and Brook. “ese kind of things can only administrators oblivious. ough ad - happen if students think it is important Najib Aminy ministrators say they believe factors Lyons canʼt be beat, Cochran is reading her sheet, Levy ainʼt got no heat. and if they join in on it,” Barnett said. such as school pride and involvement Whether those goals are reached, are on the rise, some students still ex - $50,000 from the President Shirley student life because of the layout of the Levy said that Barnett is not the only press extreme discontent. Strum Kenny, DiMonda has set up university. “My friends come from one that feels like he does. “Half of the Entering her second semester, Shan - weekend events where students can go other colleges and can’t believe that this conversations I have with people I meet non Cochran le her home in Pember - on trips from basketball games to ski - is it,” Levy said. “ey have a street full are about how bad Stony Brook is and ton, NJ to enroll in Stony Brook. She ing. “We are committed to one or more of bars, a row of frat houses, what do we they can’t all be wrong.” too treats it like a job but said she en - off campus trips a month to make sure have? If we are bored we go hang out in Pointing to a collapsing closet that joys meeting new people. we are reaching out,” DiMonda said. a dorm room and even that gets old both he and his roommate share, a win - at is, at least during the weekdays. e same goes for on campus aer a while.” is means that another dow screen that was broken when he While commuters face the problems of events, DiMonda said there is always factor of student dissatisfaction is its lo - checked in, and an orange sign that in - traveling to class or staying on campus something going on. “Just a calendar cation. formed him he wouldn’t have heat or all day to take an exam, resident stu - from the end of January to March 15 e lack of an identifiable main hot water for the duration of the week - dents face what they call the problem of covered two and a half pages and I’m street is something the university is end, Levy sighed in resignation. “is living here on the weekends. “I hate it,” not sure if I got everything,” DiMonda looking into. “People who work with place flat out it drains you. I hate this Cochran said. “ere is no one here proudly said. From athletic events to the university are aware of how that place but I have fun because I make my and everything has limited hours,” program sponsored events, DiMonda changes us culturally as an institution,” own fun,” Levy said. “at’s the point. Cochran said. said part of the problem is student apa - Jeffery Barnett, Assistant Dean of Stu - You can have fun anywhere.” The Stony Brook Press News 7
The SAB, Hard at Work present at the meeting (10 on the exec - utive board), about 25 of them had vot - By Cindy Liu ing rights, some of whom are currently on the E-board. This means that of the There is something oddly circular 24,000 students on campus, 25 people about Stony Brook University’s Student decide on activities in which, ostensibly, Life. Ineffectual Student Life leaves its everyone may participate. students apathetic. At the same time, Anthony Dobrini, a Stony Brook ineffectual Student Life is a result of the graduate and former member of the indifference that characterizes the stu - Student Activities Board, wanted to dent body. One example of this phe - make a change. Now booking concerts nomenon is the Student Activities outside of school, Dobrini had sug - Board (SAB). gested a year ago coordinating small- Created for the purpose of coordi - scale music acts. Some bands suggested nating activities and events for the en - at the time included Personnel, Starting tire university, the Student Activities Line, Boys Like Girls, and Envy on the Board is currently the campus’ largest- Coast. According to Dobrini, he at - funded organization by the Undergrad - tempted to get Envy on the Coast for uate Student Government. “ SAB works $5,000 and got turned down and the These guys have probably never heard of the SAB... hard to plan events and they do a very topic never arose again. He then the meeting were the two vacant posi - comment. good job of planning some fun activi - pointed out that in 2007, the Student tions of Chair of Cinematic Arts and According to The Stony Brook Press ties for the students,” said Alexandra Activities Board allocated $100,000 to Chair of Large Events, both of which staffer Jon Singer’s “Stony Brook Rocks! Duggan, Director of Student Activities. Nas and the carnival for Brookfest. He the President of the Board gets to ap - Well it Used to, Anyhow” (Oct. 2008), While it is clear that those involved with also mentioned that at Nassau Commu - point. The President, Mojibola Stony Brook University had a history of the SAB focus their energies on plan - nity College, he was able to book 4 con - Adeshuko, made a point of emphasiz - being a “renowned concert venue” that ning events, one must examine the certs of different genres with a budget ing that the Chair of Large Events is hosted artists such as The Who and Jimi scope of both these events and the peo - of $90,000. “I wanted to help and do “not just music,” but includes booking Hendrix at a rate of three shows per ple in charge of decision-making something worthwhile on this campus lecturers and comedians. week. 1970s Stony Brook had a “homo - processes. At an SAB meeting held on in the two years before I left…it’s their Finally the meeting arrived at Open geneous audience” that has since then Feb. 9 at 7 p.m. in SAC 302, approxi - loss,” Dobrini said. Agenda. Adeshuko opened up the floor diversified. Now, with a wider range of mately 40 people attended. Taking into At the Feb. 9 meeting, the Student to suggestions and ideas. Out of the ap - people to reach, the task of engaging the account the initial purpose of the SAB, Activities Board allocated $3,000 for DJ proximate 40 attendees, two people majority of the student body has be - these 40 attendees represent the desires Envy to provide ambient music at stepped forward to propose the ideas of come more difficult. Maybe with time, and concerns of the rest of the student United Skates. their special-interest groups. someone will find a way to penetrate body. Of the approximate 50 people Among other topics discussed at Adeshuko could not be reached for the campus’ Byzantine silence. StonyBrookSucks.com For Sale “beaf patty” to a fluorescent orange sign to rant and complain,” Joe wrote in an ing who I am. After all, I hated the By Najib Aminy that reads, “annual heat and hot water email. “This was a site designed to bring school, the last thing I needed was fail - shutdown notice.” This was posted in students together as a community. It ing classes and having to stay any 2005 in the Chapin Apartments and has just so happened that the uniting factor longer.” In 2001, a disgruntled commuter no connection with the recent heat and was a shared notion that our school “I’ve maintained this site for the student created what is now a primitive hot water shutdown in Roosevelt and sucks.” better half of a decade. I’ll be the first site encouraging Stony Brook students Kelly. Through massive advertising, to admit, I haven’t done it justice lately,” to come together, share their grief and, Webmaster Joe, as he calls himself, which ironically was done through tiny Joe said. “I know that there is a student in a way, work towards making their was an undergraduate student from post-its and the scribbling on desks and out there who wants to make the most Stony Brook experience better. Eight 1998 to 2001 where he majored in busi - chalkboards, Joe said he is proud to see of this site, update it, promote it, and years later, Stonybrooksucks.com is now ness and economics. “It really didn’t that there are over a quarter of a million even profit from it.” up for sale by the site’s webmaster. take me long to realize something. visits to his site. Stony Brook University is currently “Being disconnected from the cam - There is no gentle way to phrase it, The site features a heavily com - ranked 3rd in the category of the Least pus and having ‘moved on’ in life, I feel ‘Stony Brook Sucks’.” Joe said he found mented message board that includes Happiest Students in the 2008 Prince - the responsible thing to do is pass the himself in the commuter lounge eating posts that date as recent as this February ton Review Rankings. “To this day, peo - torch,” wrote the Webmaster Joe X. “I cheese fries and passed the time by and has features ranging from an events ple say things like, ‘If it sucks so much, am committed to selling StonyBrook - reading The Press and as he put it, board to a pre-web 2.0 list of professors, why are you still here?’ I won’t answer Sucks.com in the first half of the year. I “Ughh and even The Statesman .” He both good and bad. Joe says that there is that question for myself, but to say that am entertaining all serious offers and tried to get active, but said that Stony an ongoing argument with the modera - [the] answer is to leave is just absurd. I have two offers on the table.” Brook wasn’t really doing a good job in tors of Wikipedia on whether it is a rel - intended on fixing the school,” Joe said. The website, though heavily out - helping him connect. evant link. Bids for the site can be found on the dated, was once a site where students During his senior year, Joe was Under the alias “Joe,” the webmas - message board. could get the latest information on both tired and decided to post his mantra for ter said he did not want to reveal his news and obscure things happening at the world and specifically students to name in fear that it would result in him Stony Brook. A library of photos is still see, “Stony Brook Sucks.” “To answer staying at the university longer. “I really up exemplifying some of the oddities the many critics, this wasn’t a site simply didn’t trust the University with know - seen over the years from a misspelled News Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 8
Bernie ‘Made Off’ with Stony Brook he had a very low risk measure and had steady returns,” Frey said. “They By Najib Aminy & weren’t quite unbelievable, but they Cindy Liu were really good.” However, qualita - tively, the foundation noticed some In light of the current economic cri - risks, specifically with the lack of sis, which has served as the catalyst for transparency. That detection ulti - many drastic changes, it becomes al - mately led to a reduction in its in - most painfully obvious who has been vestment from 15 percent down to 5 practicing good financial habits. This over the period of a few years. environment forced financier Bernard Frey said he doesn’t believe Mad - Madoff to expose his 40-year operation. off started off his business in 1960 Thousands of investors have lost mil - with the intention to run a Ponzi lions of dollars with Madoff through his scheme. Simply put, a Ponzi scheme alleged Ponzi scheme. The Stony Brook requires an exponentially increasing University Foundation—a privately number of investors in order to con - governed non-profit organization cre - tinually sustain itself. Eventually, it ated for the benefit of the University— collapses under its own weight. Ac - is no exception. cording to Frey, it was the recently Like many other charities and uni - declining economic climate that fa - versity endowment funds, the Stony cilitated this incident. Investors who Brook Foundation became a victim to normally would not ask for returns one of the world’s largest pyramid suddenly found themselves in dire schemes, losing $5.4 million of its $120 need of them. “It was probably not a million endowment. planned fraud, but once it got away We said PONZI scheme, not FONZIE scheme. EEEEEEEEEEEYYY! The Stony Brook Foundation man - from him he just embraced it,” Frey the only endowment fund involved One reason that The Stony Brook ages donations for the benefit of the said. linked to a state university. However, it Foundation’s loss was minimized is be - University, Medical Center and Veter - One potential warning sign that did not suffer as badly as other schools. cause of the approach that it takes to - ans Home, and is responsible for dis - may have tipped people to Madoff’s Compared to the $20 million lost by wards investments. “Rather than hit a tributing scholarships and improving scandal was that he was not using a cus - Tufts University, $24 million lost by return target, we actually have a risk tar - student life. Donations go into the en - todial bank. However, not everybody New York University, and the $110 mil - get,” said Frey, who is also a professor in dowment fund where the money is in - does. A custodial bank is a third party lion lost by Yeshiva University, Stony Applied Mathematics and Statsics at vested in hopes of creating a larger in which the investment manager Brook University remains in good Stony Brook. Frey said that a lot of other return and giving more back to the Uni - would direct the bank manager to put a shape. “There is the absolute sense in people focus on getting a high return re - versity. certain amount of money into specific which you hate to lose money at all, but gardless of the level of risk, which is not Yet there won’t be as much of a re - funds and so on. The bank serves as an there is the comparative sense in which always a good approach. Rather than turn as prior years. According to Dr. administrator and manages the books we were losing half as much as every - investing everything with one investor, Robert J. Frey, Co-Chair of the Invest - and records of the investment company. body else,” Frey said. the foundation holds funds in approxi - ment Committee, the foundation lost “Madoff formed his own custodial Many investors were connected mately 25 separate investments. 4.5 percent of its total endowment fund shell around his assets, which is not un - through feeder funds, also known as Taking these numbers into account, to Madoff and is 15 percent down from common, but one of the things that al - fund-of-funds, which conducts its in - the impact of the loss was minimal. the end of last November. While the lowed him to perpetrate this fraud.” vestors through managing other funds. “Times are bad, but they’re not that total amount invested is unknown, Frey At the same time, Frey says the In this way, people who were indirectly bad,” Frey said. is certain that it was a significantly large foundation ranks in the top 10 percent linked unaware of their connection lost The Stony Brook Foundation of - number. in the nation in terms of college en - millions of dollars. The Stony Brook fices could not be reached for comment The foundation’s direct investment dowment funds. Foundation was directly invested with in time for the publication of this issue. with Madoff dates back to 1994. “What The Stony Brook Foundation was Madoff. happened with Madoff, quantitatively, Vote or Die...Again.
Tim Mazzei is a councilman from polluters in Port Jefferson Station. voting in this specific election, that it is Brookhaven’s Fih District (Stony e Town Supervisor is a job akin to the job of the town and the town alone By Alex H. Nagler Brook resides in the First). He is a for - the mayor of New York City. ey over - to decide their next supervisor. is is mer Suffolk County District Attorney see the Council, but unlike the mayor, false. Students who live on-campus live Election season is not over. With and Chief of the Homicide Division. He they have one vote along with the rest in this community, too. We drive on Brian Foley’s (D.) victory over Caesar is also head of the Brookhaven Repub - of the council. ey also service as town roads, frequent local shops, and Trunzo (R.) in the State Senate election, lican Party. Brookhaven’s ombuds, making them contribute to the economy merely by the position of Brookhaven Town Su - Mark Lesko is a former Assistant also akin to New York City’s Public Ad - being here. It is our right to vote. pervisor is now up for grabs. A special U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District of vocate. As a reminder, the Brookhaven Su - election has been called for March 31 to New York. He lead the government’s e election of Town Supervisor is pervisor Election is March 31. Students decide the next Town Supervisor. Com - case in the Muttontown Slave Trial, an election that Stony Brook students will be able to vote in the Student Ac - peting for the job is Democrat Mark which received national attention, and can and should vote in. It has been said tivity’s Center. Lesko and Republican Tim Mazzei. the Lawrence Aviation case to arrest by some that students have no place in The Stony Brook Press News 9
Capital Drive to $300 Million Reached Another multi-million dollar gi members. e University claims to from former faculty comes from Drs. have $150 million of the funds on hand By Alex H. Nagler Henry and Marsha Laufer, who do - for current use projects. Despite a gloomy financial situation nated $10 million to create the Louis Whether the trend of charitable giv - in Albany and the rest of the country, and Beatrice Laufer Center for Compu - ing will be able to continue in the cur - Stony Brook University announced that tational Biology and Genome Sciences. rent economic climate is unknown. the drive to raise $300 million of finan - Dr. Henry Laufer is also a former Stony Universities with endowments far big - cial capital by June has been reached Brook mathematics professor and is ger than Stony Brook’s have lost mil - ahead of schedule. e capital drive, the Head Scientist at Renaissance Technol - lions, if not billions, due to the financial largest in the history of the State Uni - ogy. Dr. Marsha Laufer is a speech markets. Harvard University’s endow - versity of New York system, is still on - pathologist and currently serves as the ment lost an estimated $12 billion, fol - going, but the goal of $300 million was Chairwoman of the Brookhaven Dem - lowed by Yale University’s loss of $5 broken when the University declared it ocratic Party. billion. had successfully raised $312 million. e university boasted success ese losses were solely in the mar - e project to raise the money, which when it came to recruiting alumni to ket and discounted any deliberate de - began in 2002, showed quick success give smaller gis. Richard L. Gelfond, ception, such as those perpetrated by with the donation of the Charles B. mons, who gave a lump total of $106 CEO of IMAX Corporation and Chair Bernard Madoff. With the unsealing of Wang Center, valued at $52 million. million to the school, over one-third of of the Stony Brook Foundation Board the Madoff client list, the Stony Brook e money was raised under the in - all donations. Dr. Jim Simons is the for - of Trustees, claimed that one out of Foundation was announced as a victim dependent entity of the Stony Brook mer chair of the Stony Brook Mathe - every five alumni made a donation, of the Madoff Ponzi scheme. According Foundation through the drive “e matics Department and current CEO of though the figures provided by the to Professor Robert Frey, the Stony Emergence of Stony Brook.” A mixture Renaissance Technology. e bulk of Foundation claim only 18,479 alumni Brook Foundation lost an estimated of alumni and “friends of Stony Brook” their gi is directed towards the cre - made donations. $5.4 million through Madoff. Other gave the money. None of the “friends” ation of the Simons Center for Geome - Of this money, $72 million was di - “friends” of the university who lost are alumni, though many have relations try and Physics and the endowment of rected towards endowments and en - money through Madoff are the Simons’ with the school. Such friends of Stony chairs for professors and post-doctoral dowed chairmanships, which will be and the Laufers, though their losses are Brook include Drs. Jim and Marilyn Si - fellows. used to hire and keep esteemed faculty unknown. Controversy Looms over Stimulus Package for Your Mom
not mortgage the future of other moms from the Market Street Deli? at’s ab - and children by the kind of fiscally un - surd—everyone knows that isn’t nearly By Ross Barkan wise spending embodied in this legisla - enough to stimulate her.” tion,” said Senator John McCain Stanton McMichaelweller, an econ - A stimulus package is needed for (R-Ariz), a chief Republican opponent omist and philosopher at the non-parti - your mom, sources close to your mom of the proposal. san think tank Cunnilingus, contended say. Critics of Senator McCain point out that your mom needs to export more if Democrats and Republicans have that he has history of stimulating your she expects any definite stimulation to agreed to a preliminary bill to stimulate mom inside pork barrels and other fis - be evident. your mom at the approximate cost of cally irresponsible locals. Despite his “She’s a service-sector woman at this $800 billion to the federal government. history with your mom, Republicans point,” he said. “And that’s the issue. If “It’s a great day for America,” said contend she should not be entitled to so she exported more, in the way of cos - the Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid much stimulation. metics or maybe a fresher personality, (D-Nev). “Aer oh so many years of “Yes, we know how much your the country wouldn’t be mired in such a flaccid failure from your dad and as - mom is ailing in this time of crisis,” said recession. e billions would not be spite an obvious handicap, he was able sorted prostitutes, your mom can finally Senate Minority Leader Mitch Mc - necessary.” to legislate inside that crumbling, gin- get the stimulation she needs.” Connell (R-Kent). “Employment within All politicians, economists and ex - soaked snatch. Obama clearly has the “Mhmmmm,” he added, as he licked the vaginal sector is down nine percent, perts seemed to agree that the breadth tools—intelligence and physique—to his lips furiously. but we can’t panic. America was not and scope of this stimulation package is accomplish the very same with your Exact outlines of the package, which built on hand jo—I mean, handouts. the most audacious since the Great De - mom. He must take an extremely ag - lacked the girth and size originally Shit.” pression, an era in which your mom’s gressive approach, or all hope is lost.” thrust by President Obama, were not Many economists and experts ar - mom required extra stimulation aer As of press time, your mom is lying immediately available, but the senators gued that a stimulus package of some an all-night bender in October of 1929. in her bed caked with Doritos and de - agreed to cut some lubrication in order sort was absolutely necessary. Liberal President Franklin Roosevelt—though spair, waiting for the government to to gain enough Republican support. economists, like Wilbur Silverberg, wheelchair bound—provided adequate walk in, stimulus package in tow. Her e stimulus package was contro - looked to a larger stimulation as a rem - stimulation for her body, propelling whining has been heard from as far as versial among centrist Democrats and edy for your mom, who has been per - your mom into a more prosperous sex - the living room, causing unease inside Republicans because they were not cer - forming quite poorly since December ual era. your soul. tain if it was wise to spend so much 2007. “e American government must “Calm the fuck down, bitch,” said money on your mom, especially when “At this point you need to be living realize that your mom requires stimu - President Obama, sauntering smoothly a historically large bill conflicted with under a rock not to understand the lation on par with that doled out by to your mom’s doorstep. “I’m coming. the small-government ethos of the Re - severity of the situation. Your mom Franklin Delano Roosevelt,” said Adam ey didn’t call me Barry O’Bomber in publican Party needs it bad,” he said. “Just look what Cohen, author of FDR: e First 100 high school for nothing’.” “We want to stimulate your mom, she’s been importing lately. Hu-Tao Days…of Fucking Your Grandma. “De - Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 features10 Astronomy Domine Welles are to be believed. “The temperature of Mars is 220 Enrico Fermi, the creator of the first Methane, a gas which is a waste Kelvin,” Calder said. “There is a place sustainable nuclear reaction: By Natalie Crnosija product produced by living things, is in Siberia which is -60 degrees Fahren - “If there are other solar systems, then one of the key indicators of biological heit and if you do the calculations, those we are not special and are in a universe Stony Brook University’s Dr. Alan life on a planet. Its 2005 discovery, two numbers are very similar. Mars teeming with life. And yet we have not Calder of the Astronomy Department -- apart from the ice in Mars’ soil and isn’t so different from Earth after all.” encountered beings from other plan - began 2009’s first Astronomy Open the unearthing of massive amounts of The requirements for life on any ets.” Night on February 6, with a lecture on hydrogen on the planet’s surface in planet, according to Calder, are: mole - “Maybe they don’t care,” Calder the possibility of intelligent life in the said, “or maybe they are watching us.” universe. “That is,” Calder said, “if The program for Search for Extra- there is intelligent life on Earth to begin Terrestrial Intelligence (SETI) was once with.” sponsored by NASA but is now inde - Calder, a graduate of Vanderbilt pendent and open to the participation University and an expert in the field of of internet users who still search for Thermonuclear Supernovas, said he 1977’s elusive Wow! sequence of radio teaches AST 248: Search for Intelligent telescopic data which suggested extra - Life in the Universe because he is fasci - terrestrial interaction with Earth by nated by the burgeoning field of Astro - using radio waves. SETI and their mis - biology—the study of the origin, sion to discover extra-terrestrial life is evolution and growth of organisms in still relevant, their research having set the universe. the foreground for astrobiology. This hybrid subject is researched by After the lecture, attendees where physicists, astronomers and biologists invited onto the roof to observe the of every stripe, according to Calder. night sky through the Astronomy De - The lecture focused on the implica - 2004, has made Mars the focus of astro - cules to build organisms, energy and a partment’s telescope. tions of the physical findings on Mars biological investigation. liquid medium to carry molecules. “These types of talks are quite fun,” and the moons of Jupiter, including the The presence of carbon, nitrogen Apart from the atomic essentials, an said Liz Strong, an Earth Science recent discovery of methane on Mars by and oxygen, found in what may be a atmosphere must exist in order to sus - Teacher from Longwood School Dis - the National Aeronautics and Space Ad - rod-like bacterial fossil, was put in tain life. trict in Yaphank, NY. “And looking ministration (NASA) and has heated up sharp contrast with the human expec - The discovery of 163 planetary sys - through the telescope is always awe - debate on the possibility of life on tation of belligerent Martians, Calder tems, 154 planets and 14 multiple solar some.” Earth’s nearest and most menacing said. systems begged the question as asked by neighbor, if popular fiction and Orson ‘I Eat Because I am a Woman’
control. “I don’t encourage you to inhibit Dopamine activity in the brain was yourself,” Wang said. “You should un - By Krystal DeJesus also monitored. Previous studies have derstand the problem. It’s more your shown that the level of dopamine activ - behavior.” When it comes to controlling ity in the brain is connected to a per - e cause for women to have less in - hunger, a recent study shows that men son’s desire for food, according to the hibitory control could be related to evo - can suppress their desires more easily hunger study published in the Proceed - lution because women needed to store than women. ings of the National Academy of Sci - energy more than men for pregnancy. Researchers at Brookhaven National ences last month. Dopamine regulates But according to Wang, in this country, Laboratory studied 10 men and 13 many areas of the brain including the food is abundant and everywhere, so women using positron emission to - orbitofrontal cortex, which is responsi - when you see it, you immediately mography to scan brain activity while ble for inhibitory control. choose it and you can’t control that. study subjects tried to control their Obese people tend to have lower Training yourself to eat the right hunger. dopamine activity, so they crave more foods could be a benefit because the All participants were required to food, but a person with higher brain will remember those foods as you fast for 14 to 16 hours before the study dopamine activity does not crave food eat them more oen. Wang suggests and when a researcher presented the the same way, Wang said. “ey don’t switching white and bleached grain for food, the subject could only smell and react to the same amount of food as whole and instead of fried foods, try look at it. Foods, such as cinnamon lean people. ey need more.” baked. Food is not bad, but certain buns, pizza and hamburgers were pre - According to Wang, people with combinations of food can have negative pared in front of the subject to enhance lower dopamine activity tend to have effects on the body, such as refined brain stimulation, said Dr. Gene-Jack addictive behaviors, but it is possible to grains and sugar. Wang, lead author of the study. hungry aer inhibition, brain images manipulate your dopamine receptors. “Food is innocent, but some ingre - “Most of the area activated is in the showed little change from before inhi - For example, food restriction will in - dients of the food make you have a ten - orbitofrontal cortex,” Wang said. “is bition to aer. But when men inhibited crease dopamine activity in the brain, dency to keep eating it,” Wang said. area controls our self control. You can their hunger images showed decreased but aerobic exercise, eating the right “You have to eat the right food.” inhibit it.” brain activity in the orbitofrontal cor - food and having good social skills will Although women said they were less tex, which is responsible for inhibitory also benefit. The Stony Brook Press features11 Ask A Straight Guy Vol.2
By Josh Ginsberg -Straight Guy Dear Straight Dear Straight Guy, Guy, I am a single, swingin’ dude and am I met this somewhat distressed that last semester chick recently and ended without me having gotten any. see her around a What can I do to get laid soon, and what lot. I was wonder - can I do to get chicks in the future? ing what to do Thanks Brah. about my interest Stay Black, in her and my bro Rick Eaton Rob told me I should get some Dear Rick, beer and ask her Dude, your problem is simple. I am to hang out with going to assume your given name is me in my dorm. Richard, but you don’t even call yourself The notion of the DICKMASTER! If there’s one thing chilling with her a woman loves, it is when a dude lets in my dorm and her know in advance that he is a totally getting wasted is expert fucker. There is nothing more se - very appealing to ductive to a woman than that. I guaran - me, but I can’t tee you if you go home and change your help but feel that Facebook name to DICKMASTER (last this is somewhat name must be changed, Dick Eaton shady and the no - sounds like you’re into suckin’ d’s), you tion of liquoring a are going to get friend-ed by a shitload girl up with the If you can correctly guess how many polo shirts are being worn in the above picture, then you have effectively rendered yourself a loser. of hot chicks who are simply D.T.F., intentions of get - DOWN TO FUCKKKKKK. Dickmas - ting with her are a she could have a coke or chocolate milk tions, they only make us both less het - ter, as long as you got the booze and a little date rapist-y. What do you think I (for the record, this is my favorite bev - ero. pimp ride, with a name like yours you should do? erage other than a brewski) if she does - Mucho Bro-Love. are going to be to pussy what little fat -Ben n’t want a beer. If she wants water she’s kids wearing crowns are to Burger King probably either a damned hippie or like -Straight Guy - up in it all the time! Also, dude, have Dear Ben, bulimic or some shit, so drop her ass. you tried Axe? Shit is rad, the commer - Dude, you’re being a little bit of a Alcohol shouldn’t really affect the PS: I still can’t get over it. Dickmaster. cials don’t lie. As for meeting girls over bitch, but shit, you need some help, so chances of you getting any. As long as Fuck! I should get a Comedy Central winter break, I’m gonna assume you got the doctor is in da house and I’m about you don’t force yourself on her and Special, I’m like the next Chappelle. some high school exes you can bang the to give it to you. If you ask a chick to make sure she doesn’t get wasted you DICKMASTER! Shit’s gonna be on t- hell out of for four weeks. Just hit it and hang out with you, especially one-on- should be in the clear. But be careful, shirts everywhere. It could also be a quit it, ain’t nothing wrong that. Holla. one, she probably gets the idea. It isn’t a shit is dangerous. piece of exercise equipment for making Ha. Dickmaster…still gets me every terrible idea to have a drink or some - To the other readers, please quit your dick more ripped. Man, I best time (Man, I’m a genius. Dickmaster is thing, but you shouldn’t push it on her. sending me these queer Hallmark ques - copyright it. the greatest nickname ever). You should make sure she knows that Transformers, Bailout in Disguise Company, during a press conference America back to work,” said Frederick last weekend. “We are working towards Henderson, President of GM, “but it By Najib Aminy making it safer and more luxurious for also will pave the road to beat them the average American while trying to damn Japs and put the A’s back in auto - Troubling times mean desperate stimulate what’s left of the economy.” mobile world supremacy.” measures for the American automobile By “safer”, Mullaly refers to the Popularized in the 2007 summer industry. standard option presented to interested blockbuster, Transformers, the Big Ditching its plans for alternative energy buyers: Dual laser-guided missile Three are looking to manufacture and and quality-made vehicles, Detroit’s Big launchers, titanium armored plating, as mass produce cybernetic-robotic or - Three have joined together to announce well as both front and side-passenger ganisms from the war-torn Cyberton the 2011 release of commercial trans - airbags. Buyers can choose to upgrade and exploit them for commercial use. formers to the public last week. and equip their transformer with a gun asked to remain anonymous. Working closely with the Witwicky that fires 22’-inch platinum rims, Center for Scientific Research and Ro - wards the future. mount a tank cannon, or place a 12- botics, Ford, GM, and Daimler- “The world can be a scary and un - inch LCD monitor in the back seats. TRANSFORMERS continued on page 12 Chrysler said they are throwing away comfortable place,” said Allan Mullaly, “The manufacturing of these mam - the ideas of the past and building to - President and CEO of Ford Motor moth-sized vehicles will not only put Features Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 12
Home to a mountainous terrain, as - tronomers have confirmed that the sur - face of Cybertron is lined with large trees holding the remains of the dead from the multi-century long war, ac - cording to a Wikipedia insider who asked to remain anonymous. The war is believed to have come to an end soon after the Autobot’s leader, Optimus Prime, inserted the All Spark, a life-creating cube, into the Decepti - con’s—a rivaling faction—leader, Mega - tron. No formal treaty has been brought to the attention of any inter-galactic non-governmental organization. Currently residing on Earth, the Big Three look forward to meeting Opti - mus Prime and his compatriots in hopes of bettering the American econ - omy and preserving the automobile in - dustry. However, inside specialists have been vocal about how unrealistic this plan may be. Dale Smith, a senior ad - This is why women shouldnʼt drive: things explode. vising consultant for Ford has voiced his opposition to the plan. “This clearly by some debris. All I remember is that I ton, Assistant Treasurer of Say No To American. “Yeah, I’m thinking about won’t work because the All Spark has was in the Grand Canyon.” Transformers. “I saw that from a movie getting one for my kid Mike,” said Louis been destroyed,” A team of the nation’s top scientists once and I also saw Transformers . Peo - Valentino, Jericho, NY. “He’s 16, hope - said Smith placing his H3 keys on his and scantily clad women were spotted ple died.” fully he passes his road test by then. I desk. “That is like trying to have cars in the area Serrings described, accord - Armed with missiles, bullets, can’t think of anything else the little shit run on water or something as perplex ing to park rangers. They were unsure grenades galore, one could connect the likes besides video games.” like that.” whether it was pertaining to the filming dots between catastrophic destruction Working on his ‘92 Chevy, Richard The All Spark is a cube-shaped tool of a movie or a government investiga - and transformers, but some argue that Trickle, of Brundige, Alabama, ex - that creates and regenerates the life of tion of the site. A source close to Daim - there should be no transformers and no pressed content just to know that Amer - all cybernetic organisms and is the ler-Chrysler leaked the confirmation of cars. “I like to walk,” said Georgia Tim - ica was finally ahead of foreign cause of the war between Autobots and a new source of energy that could fuel mons, an 18 year-old high school sen - competitors. “I am just sick of those Decipticons. Afraid that Megatron the Transformers but did not specify ior. “Cars hurt the environment and so damn Jap cars going up and down these would gain control of the cube, Opti - what it was. will Transformers. We all need to walk.” paved roads of freedom and liberty,” mus Prime launched the All Spark into Though the source of energy is still But some look at the glass as if it Trickle said. “I’ll be damned if any of my space where its location remained un - in question, politicians are mixed in were full. “Look, if things are destroyed children’s grandchildren drive one of known until 2007. support of the Big Three’s decision to that means they need to be rebuilt,” said them Nazi cars. Now they have no ex - Human and robotic rights activists leap ahead. “I commend the nation’s au - Robert Pinter, a 34-year-old who sells cuse.” have held protests on planet Cybertron tomakers in making the right step for car insurance. “Rebuilding creates jobs Fans of the long running franchise condeming the genocide of Autotbots America and humanity,” said Senator that leads to making money that ulti - that inspired this shift in automobile de - but have since rejoiced after reading Jay Rockefeller (D-WV), chairman of mately leads to another happy Ameri - sign will be glad to know that the Peter - about Prime’s successful victory. “Justice the Senate Committee of Transporta - can family having their very own bilt Trucking Corporation is on board has prevailed,” said a Mountain Dew tion. “Now our children have at least Transformer.” and ready to cooperate to release their dispensing machine. “My life used to be one thing to look forward too.” Given the power of the All Spark, first transforming semitruck as a part of extreme bro, but it hasn’t been the same Senator Kay Hutchinson (R-Texas), manufacturing a Transformer is less their 2011 line up. The AFLCIO de - since I lost my family. Now I know I can ranking member of the Senate Com - complicated then one would think. A clined to comment on the impact these finally move on.” mittee of Transportation, scoffed at De - lot of sparks would fly, objects would vehicles will have on the trucking in - However, with the loss of the All troit’s latest decision and said she was shift and turn, noises would be made, dustry. A trucker, who wished to remain Spark, scientists argue that it is physi - ashamed to have driven her Cadillac and music would preemptively be play - anonymous, told us that “I’d like to see cally impossible to power these trans - CTS to work. “And this is why they ing in the background, and thus a trans - that fuck stick manager at the Pathmark formers. That is unless there is another wanted to be bailed out?” she asked. former is made. Transformers would be tell me I’m late with the shipment once All Spark. Roger Serrings, a professor at “Give me a break.” equipped with a state-of-the-art anti- I’m driving one of these.” the University of Chicago, has studied Some criticisms of Transformers theft system comprised of anti-ballistic meteor impacts since 1937 and cata - are the inevitable damages in national missiles and army turrets and a versatil - logues all his findings. Sadly, his records infrastructure. Depicted in Michael ity option in which an automobile may were all lost when his house flooded be - Bay’s summer-hit blockbuster, one sim - shift from a sedan to a four-story trans - cause of plumbing issues. Nevertheless, ple transformation from vehicle to a former in a mere matter of seconds, Serrings said he recalls one meteor im - bordering cybernetic-vigilante would though it remains unclear how many pact that was much different from the result in the destruction of roads, passengers may be in the car for this to rest. “I remember seeing lights and bridges, and tunnels. Commuters happen. One unique feature that has hearing a loud noise,” said the 86-year- would drive to work in snarling traffic gained attention at this year’s latest car old Serrings. “When I approached the caused by the prior day’s events. expo is the complex voice activation crash site, I saw a small cube and then Additionally, many fear that some and response system that enables fea - saw the sky light up with shooting stars. drivers would recklessly use their trans - tures such as cruise control, mass de - I realized it happened to be a number of former and endanger the lives of several struction and cleaning the windshield. meteors falling towards the surface and thousands. “With great power comes The recent news has left many shortly after I was knocked unconscious great responsibility,” said Matt Hamil - Americans excited and eager to buy The Stony Brook Press Features 13 Want your club/organization to be featured in a future Club Spotlight? ASIAN AMERICAN E-ZINE OP ED: One of the Dumbest Things You Can Do is Pay to be Insulted and products that use racist advertis - by Min Ping Mei ing. Hollywood is a quick learner and once they realize they're losing the One of the dumbest things you can Asian and Asian American market do is pay to be insulted, yet many they will change their ways. Asians and Asian Americans do it on a regular basis. Both Asians and 2) Send polite emails to companies Asian Americans indiscriminately responsible for producing movies pay to see movies - movies that con - and ensuring they make a profit (ex., stantly depict them in stereotypical Universal Studios, Columbia Pic - roles, martial arts masters, accented tures, Warner Brother Pictures). Tell untrustworthy foreigners, sneaky them you will be boycott particular dragon ladies, terrorists, or evil gang - movie as an Asian or Asian Ameri - sters, exotic, submissive sex objects, can because…… and you will tell asexual, or chauvinistic Asian men your friends to do the same. Sending and Asian women who exclusively a handwritten letter is even better be - date White/Black men (as depicted in cause emails are easy to ignore. And media), or who are oppressed. finally, if you can call, do so. Contact Needless to say Asians are por - information can be found on com - trayed negatively and repeatedly in pany websites. mainstream media. This has long lasting implications. First, constant 3) Support positive images of Asians exposure is detrimental to Asian and in media. According to one Holly - Asian American youth. Asian and wood executive there are few Asians FOX AND CHARLIE CHAN, 2003 Acrylic on canvas, 20 x 24 inches. FOX network Asian American youth are essentially in media because “There is no de - rescinded its decision to air The Charlie Chan Mystery Tour due to protests from the brainwashed into believing they are mand for Asians. Asians and Asian Asian American community. The old Charlie Chan movies featured ethnic stereotypes and "yellow-faced" white actors, considered offensive to many Asian Americans. The inferior and will eventually harbor Americans spend like whites.” Essen - Organization of Chinese Americans (OCA) stated, "Charlie Chan is a painful reminder self-hate. tially Hollywood does not need to of Hollywood's racist refusal to hire minori ties to play roles that were designed for Second, mainstream media perpet - reach out to the Asian market. That them, and a further reminder of the miscegenation laws that prevented interracial inter - uates and enforces existing negative demand must be created through action even on screen." - Roger Shimomura stereotypes about Asians. The per - support of movies and television George Nozuka petuation and enforcement of these shows that depict Asians as multidi - Asians and Asian Americans have a Make a ripple. stereotypes promotes hate crimes mensional human beings. Show Hol - lot of spending power. It’s time to against Asians and reduces Asian lywood Asians wanted to see Asians throw that weight around. Asian Pass what I have written here along. Americans to second class citizens. in film. Americans alone have over 200 bil - Quite simply the media is responsi - Some good mainstream films to lion dollars in spending power and Translate it into Chinese, Korean, ble for how Asians are perceived. support include Harold and Kumar that figure is expected to increase. Vietnamese, Japanese, Hindi, Urdu Ask yourself have you as an Asian Go To White Castle and Harold and If you are Asian or Asian American and more. Let’s take the war against or Asian American recently paid for a Kumar Escape from Guantamano and after reading this article you do Hollywood to Asia. movie ticket or bought a DVD where Bay. Many great Asian American not feel compelled to act and would Asians are depicted in one of the films have also been produced in - prefer complacency believing that The writer of this article may be con - stereotypical roles listed above? cluding Better Luck Tomorrow and you alone can do nothing, remember tacted at: [email protected] Sadly, the answer is probably yes. Shanghai Kiss. to words of Robert Kennedy. "Few Take a minute, breathe, yeah you Asian Americans should also con - will have the greatness to bend his - were paying to be insulted and hu - tinuing supporting Asian films if they tory itself, but each of us can work to miliated. Paying to perpetuate and are not already doing so. Films pro - change a small portion of events, and enforce stereotypes about yourself! duced in China, Korea and Japan are the total of all these acts will write the Paying to have racist thugs spray just as entertaining. You may need to history of this generation... It is from paint “Chink and/or Gook” all over read subtitles, but at least you’re not numberless diverse acts of courage your house! Paying to have several paying to be insulted so that should and belief that human history is thus racist thugs beat you down with base - put a smile on your face. shaped. Each time someone stands ball bats, spit in your face and proba - Supporting a film means buying a up for an ideal or acts or strikes out bly get away with it! movie ticket and/or buying it on against injustice, he/she sends forth a If you didn’t already know Holly - DVD, not downloading the pirated tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each wood’s reach is global. By now I hope version. other from a million different centers at the very least you’re asking your - Support Asian American Actors of energy and daring, those ripples self what can be done to remedy your such as Ken Leung, Sung Kang, build a current which can sweep pitiful situation. Roger Fan, Aaron Yoo, John Cho down the mightiest walls of oppres - Support Asian Artists and Bands sion and resistance." 1) Boycott movies, television shows Ex: Stevie Hoang, Tatum Jones, Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 arts&entertainment14
Best Picture: (e Reader
whose own progressiveness and moder - binds them together, fusing the two in psyche and her calloused, rough ways nity hides the haunt of the Third Reich. the minds of both Hanna and Michael. have not changed, apparently even from Natalie Crnosija Through a rough shuffling of flashbacks Sex and literature. What could be bet - her days as an employee of the Reich. to his late teens, his life is forever ter? Michael’s deep affection for Hanna She is the stereotype of the stereotype— “If you want to win an award, do a the cold, disciplined German who does Holocaust movie,” said British come - not hide her wrongdoing. Her guilt dian Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globe pierces Michael to his pit and he wavers Awards after Kate Winslet won the Best on the edge of aiding with Hanna’s de - Supporting Actress Award for her per - fense. Michael’s ambivalence is as evi - formance in The Reader . It was uncom - dent as that of New Germany, quivering fortable commentary because it was on the point of accepting guilt for and true. Uncomfortable because the film condemning the Holocaust. The alle - was so obviously groomed, like a prize gory is not very discreet. Like Kate Schnauzer, for the 2009 Film Award Winslet’s naked body. Season. Uncomfortable because the Winslet’s SS-role is sensual but se - Holocaust has become a setting where vere, honest but rough, the tried and people, who were once exploited be - true bit of cinematic tackle which nabs yond belief are further exploited by the Oscars. Michael, as the innocent, is her film industry to put filmgoers in Cine - sexual plaything and the end of a long plexes. The Holocaust movie has be - string of Hanna’s emotional casualties. come a regrettable cliche, Michael, as much as the Marshall Plan contextualized and turned into cine - German Government, is putting Hanna matic currency. Kate Winslet is naked a lot in this movie. That is why it is our favorite (to win at the Oscars). on trial—for her effect on his life and The Holocaust will always be rele - marked by a fateful meeting with a morphs from a 16 year-old’s love of sex her crimes against humanity. vant in the public consciousness, but woman named Hanna Schmitz (Kate into love and the center of his life until “Great pain creates great art.” An - will films that mine and use it as a back - Winslet). Their affair, prompted by she abruptly leaves the town and her other crystalline cliché but could also be drop be as enduring as the subject itself? their rather unexpected encounter in a position as a trolley ticket collector. understood as “A great amount of pain The film opens in Modern Ger - bathroom, is sustained by a goodly Years later, Michael, a Sturm and creates a great amount of art.” The many, that of Gerhardht Schroeder amount of erotic play and languid for - Drang law student, encounters Hanna Reader falls into the latter category. rather than of Adolph Hitler. Michael ays into world literature. Michael’s again as he observes the trial of former Berg (Ralph Fiennes), a sad lawyer reading to Hanna pre and post coitus Nazi Prison Guards. Hanna’s simple Odds: 27.4% Slumdog TRILLIONaire
The movie tells the story of a young timid contestant, but, once again, it sitar jams and even last year’s darling man named Jamal who is being interro - does little to harm the overall experi - song, “Paper Planes” by Sri Lankan pop By James Laudano gated by the Mumbai Police over al - ence. Patel has probably earned him - star M.I.A. leged-cheating on India’s “Who Wants self a few new gigs with his turn in All in all, Slumdog Millionaire is a With our nation’s economic disas - to Be a Millionaire.” As the film pro - Slumdog . The rest of the cast turns in a rather enjoyable film that will certainly ter growing more dire by the day, it gresses, we are taught just how Jamal very solid ensemble performance as put a smile on your face at the end of seems that the Academy – and all of knew all the answers through a series of well. the night. It’s an interesting step in di - America – really wants to award this flashbacks to his youth. Eventually, the The cinematography is also strong, rector Danny Boyle’s career (this is cer - year’s “Best Picture” to a happy, feel flashbacks and the interrogation meet with the film containing numerous tainly not anything like his past works, good movie that has the power to help chronologically and we are presented chase scenes that don’t fall into the trap such as Trainspotting or 28 Days Later ). us forget the millions of missing jobs with the climactic resolution to the tale. of becoming too clustered and confus - The trend lately in the Academy is to and billions in economic bailouts. That While the coincidences shared be - ing. The viewers get a good sense of the award Best Picture to the more serious, movie, film aficionados, is Slumdog Mil - tween the flashbacks and the “Million - squalor that many in the slums of dour and depressing films (see: No lionaire , and it seems poised to take aire” questions do seem a bit convenient Mumbai live. I would have liked to see a Country for Old Men, The Departed, home Oscar’s greatest honor come at times, it never really detracts from the bit more of that examination of the Million Dollar Baby) . Perhaps, though, award time. experience as you’re watching. The hardships of slum life, but perhaps that’s it’s high time we’re treated to a plucky, I’ll be brief since chances are you al - actor playing Jamal, Dev Patel, tends to just the social studies geek in me com - heartwarming story from Mumbai tak - ready know what this movie is about, or veer radically back and fourth between ing out. The soundtrack is pretty ing home the award this year. you’ll soon learn more in the coming playing a sarcastic and defiant detainee damned cool too and it features a bevy weeks as we approach the ceremony. to an incredibly quiet and seemingly of South Asian pop hits, scintillating Odds: 75.51% The Stony Brook Press arts&entertainment15
(not-so)Honorable Mentions: Gran TURDino thing) as an initiation for a gang he truly ethnic slurs. same concept we see in Gran Torino . doesn’t want to join. Walt is then forced As for the movie, we may view this The idea that they need to tell the world By Justin Meltzer by the boy’s mother to make Thao do as Clint Eastwood’s public service an - not to count them out and that they are chores to teach the boy a lesson. You nouncement to the world. As he bonds still good for something. Bruce Willis When it comes to Clint Eastwood, might be asking yourself why chores are with Thao by making him do gratuitous did it with Live Free or Die Hard . Harri - you can count on him for two things. an acceptable punishment for almost yard work, he also sets out to teach him son Ford did it with Indiana Jones and The first is that he always sounds con - stealing a priceless car. Isn’t jail time to be less of a “pussy.” It is through this the Way to Line Lucas’ and Spielberg’s stipated when he talks. The second is more appropriate? But this is Clint East - process that we see Clint’s deeper inten - Pockets . Sylvester Stallone did so with that he just doesn’t know when to quit. wood we’re talking about here; he does - tions. He isn’t just a crotchety old man Rocky 6 and Rambo 4 Part 1 . But Clint Take Dirty Harry for example. That n’t know the meaning of the word in the movie, who is fed up with young Eastwood just doesn’t know when to character was a tough and gritty cop appropriate. people and their “ways.” This is who he quit. This movie was actually rumored who didn’t take shit from anyone. When Speaking of which, there are more is in real life, or as us young people call to be the final chapter of the Dirty his Chief forbids him from doing some - derogatory words for Asians in this it, the RL. His commentaries come in Harry films, and while it technically thing against the law, he says ‘FUCK movie than a George Carlin stand up the form of scowling and lots of it. The wasn’t, if you view the movie as such it THAT!’ and he does it anyway. When seems to make more sense. He’s a tough moviegoers say he’s too old to still be and gritty war veteran who doesn’t take acting, much less directing, movies, he shit from any Asian gang that rolls into says ‘FUCK THAT!’ and then he still ex - his neighborhood. When they start pects them to cough up $10.50 see his fighting on his lawn he takes out his gun latest work. Such is Gran Torino . and says, “Do you feel lucky punk?” No First off, the movie’s title is actually wait, he says, “Get off my lawn.” But he quite misleading. You may be wonder - does it in a scowly voice so it’s still quite ing what a Gran Torino is exactly, and intimidating. The real moral comes at why Clint Eastwood name his movie the end of the film when - SPOILER after it. A Gran Torino happens to be a ALERT - he dies. He gets himself shot type of car built by Ford in the 60s and in order to get the “gang” (which con - 70s, named in Italian after the city of sists of only five members!?!) arrested Turin, which is considered the Detroit for his death. So instead of Rocky 6, of Italy. The movie is named Gran where the moral is to never count out a Torino after the mint condition car of man just because of his age, Gran Torino the same name that Clint Eastwood’s says, old people are only good for dying. character, Walt Kowalski owns, and At least he died in a Christ-like manner, everyone in the movie either wants to and that has never been done in film be - steal, inherit, or just take from the old fore, right? bastard. The rest of the film really does - n’t have much else to do with the car, and I believe we never actually see Walt Afterthoughts drive the damn thing. We only see him washing it, but my question is why? He By the way, this garbage about this never drives it so why wash a car you being one of Eastwood’s best perform - “Gerroff of my lawn, grrr” don’t drive? That’s like buying porn on ances is total bullshit. His performance VHS and then rewinding it without was just a series of scowls and it only having seen it. It just doesn’t make any special in Shanghai. Clint lets loose trailer is actually a great indication of seemed like a good performance com - sense. every word in the book to insultingly what the movie offers. As Clint’s char - pared to the terrible acting of the rest of The movie, however, has more to describe Asian people, and most of the acter would put it, “My granddaughter the ensemble. No offense, but the gooks do with his new next-door neighbors time it’s directly to their faces. Now it’s attends my wife’s funeral dressed in a in that film just can’t act. who happen to be Hmong (pronounced understandable to write movies more mini-skirt with her midriff showing. mong) immigrants from Vietnam. As a realistically by using realistic dialogue *scowl* An Asian family moves in next If you want to hear more ranting from Korean War Veteran, Walt holds many that includes cursing, but this was just door and brings with them their tradi - Justin you can watch him on Film prejudices against Asians, even as they fucking ridiculous. Chink this, gook tions and customs that are different Stripped weeknights at 5, 8, and 11p.m. continue to overpopulate his once pre - that, fish-head, zipperhead, rice-eater. than mine. *scowl*. My face hurts from on SBU-TV Channel 20. dominantly white Michigan neighbor - He just kept them flying throughout. scowling too much, so I cough up blood hood. Walt’s call to arms is when the And it wasn’t just the Asians, oh no, the constantly. scow - *cough** So much potentially troubled next-door youth, blacks, Latinos, and even Clint’s Polish blood!” Why it wasn’t nominated: Thao, attempts to steal his mint Gran character were not spared the wrath of Other directors have exercised this It sucked. Torino (after he just washed the damn Arts & Entertainment Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 16
Big Bloody FAILentine My Bloody Valentine 3D is a remake hearts on or near Valentine’s Day. After ously very dead people bleeding pro - of the 1981 original of the same name. a mining accident, he supposedly kills fusely out of their head holes right in By Justin Meltzer The only difference is that the remake the people he’s trapped in the mine with front of you? Really? Well, no worries, is in 3D, and almost the entire story is to “conserve air” and then goes on a because now your screaming has alerted “Wow!” you say to yourself. “A hor - different as well. The original is a story killing spree because, well, actually they the surprisingly slow killer to your pres - ror movie in 3D. That sounds fantastic. with a message of responsibility, while never say why. Probably because the ence and in the three minutes it takes I can’t wait to pay two dollars EXTRA the remake throws that right out the producers thought it was scary. The him to turn around, he’ll quickly make to see that!” Upon receiving your over - original, however, at least had the killer chop meat of your once lively flesh by priced ticket, you enter the theater and deliver a message never to let the acci - throwing his pick ax directly in to the take your seat. You slowly take the dent that trapped him in the mine hap - camera. Holy shit IT’S COMING chintzy 3D glasses out of your pocket pen again, and he doesn’t want people RIGHT TOWARD MY EYE, AHHH! and put them on your face. Then you to throw a Valentine’s day party, because Cool 3D. gaze in marvelous wonderment at the that was how he got trapped in the mine So, aside from the terrible story, screen as it shoves bloody carnage di - in the first place. People were being ir - acting, plot and plot twist in the end (I rectly to your frontal lobe. “Boy howdy, responsible. But just like the movie, the won’t give it away but trust me, it’s stu - what a good time,” you exclaim. “3D is people making the re-make were them - pid) this movie only had one four things the shit,” the shit indeed. selves irresponsible, and they took lib - going for it. 3D, 3D Gore, and 3D Now that scenario is something erties - crappy ones - with the story. boobs. That’s right, there was nudity in similar to what you might find if you go Pretty much everything else that three dimensions and it was revolution - see the breathtaking film know as My could go wrong with this film did, and ary. Not in an “affecting change and Bloody Valentine 3D . It is a horror film acting was no exception. The acting was progress” type of way, more of a “going in 3D, which, if you are not familiar horrifying, and not in the good way a around in a circle over and over again” with the term, is just one whole dimen - horror film should be. It was the bad type of way. But hey, when Jamie King sion more than what you are accus - way that makes you wonder how peo - runs outside in the buff and bounces tomed to seeing in the theater. The ple like this could get leading roles in a around, you know that those boobies movie, however, left much to be desired major motion picture. In one scene, are coming right toward you, - OMG in almost every other aspect. But hey, Even the posterʼs in 3D! while in the mine where a party is being THEY’RE GONNA HIT YOU RIGHT you came to see a movie in 3D right? window and in to your face - oh my thrown, a kid looks around and sees ON THE CHIN AHHHH! Cool 3D. You don’t care how bad or cheesy it is, God watch out IT’S COMING RIGHT four or five of his buddies lying dead on as long as it’s something exciting. Well, FOR YOU! Cool 3D. The new movie the ground, and yells out, “Guys, are Why it wasn’t nominated: sadly, if that is your attitude, you may just has the killer as an evil psychopath you there? You’re really scaring me.” Re - still walk out upset. with a penchant for ripping out people’s ally dude, you didn’t notice the obvi - It came out in 2009, duh. The BESTler was massive! I really thought he wres - one viewing. And lets not forget Bruce tled in real life. On top of that, he Springsteen’s heart wrenching (for those By Justin Meltzer laughed, he cried, and he kicked ass. who have seen the movie no pun in - Simply incredible. This is not to down - tended) song of the same title. The fact Have you ever seen a one trick pony play the performances of Marisa Tomie that that was not nominated for a best in the field so happy and free? If you’ve and Evan Rachel Wood. They too were song Oscar is practically a crime. ever seen a one trick pony you’ve seen amazing and brought Rourke’s per - What I’m really trying to say is that The Wrestler , bitches! Darren Aronof - formance to new heights. this is my pick for the best movie of the sky’s latest film is a departure from his Pretty much everything about this year. In fact staff writer John Singer typical outing into the bizarre, as this movie rocked. It should have been treats this movie as his bible, his movie movie focuses on one down and out nominated for everything and it should bible! And despite what John Singer wrestler 20 years past his prime who re - have won in that category. Aronofsky may have said, Vince McMann did not fuses to give it up. It’s a simple story of crafted a film of such epic magnitude ruin professional wrestling. one man and his will to continue to be that angels in heaven weep every time super gay… in the ring. they see it. As for the story, say what you Why it wasn’t nominated: Seriously though, Mickey Rourke will about professional wrestling, but gave a spectacular performance that this movie will change your whole mind We haven’t the slightest was utterly amazing. His physique for about it. It made wrestling so loveable idea. Oh wait, yes we do. the film was an achievement in and of that even the most adamant adversaries itself. Seriously, did you see him? He The Academy Awards are of the “sport” will have to adore it after Mickey Rourke ought to give the academy a one big circle-jerk. slamjam! The Stony Brook Press Arts & Entertainment
A Sequel to Titanic ?
Revolutionary road.” They both agreed this film. Instead, I got a hurried and charming actor, Winslet is the real that nothing was special about them kitchen counter lift up my dress let’s do star in this movie. She effectively ex - By Kelly Yu and that they needed a change, so they this quickly before the kids wake up in - udes the desperation and desire to leave decide to move to Paris. Despite the tercourse. The sex scene in the car be - the suburbs and fulfill what seems to be I’m sure when people heard that predictable plot progression, the best tween Kate Winslet and David Harbour her only dream: to become so much Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet part was this was all portrayed in the was awkward at best, but at least that more than a housewife. She makes were going to star in a movie together first third of the film. April Wheeler a woman still looking for again, they thought, “Yes! Titanic 2! I Revolutionary Road tries to break her purpose while being tethered to a wonder what they are going to do with the stereotypical view of the 1950’s and life she never wanted. By the end of the Jack’s frozen dead body!” When they does it by injecting the dichotomy of the movie, Winslet makes you wish there found out that it was about a young dis - “normal” people versus the “crazy” peo - was another way for her character to illusioned couple in the 50’s moving to ple. Kathy Bates (you know, that crazy achieve everything she wants in life. the suburbs, they thought, “Righteous.” lady from “Misery”? No? Alright then.) Other than showing how some Revolutionary Road is a cultural plays a realtor who sells the Wheelers dreams never die and some dreams are commentary about family and life dur - their home and is the quintessential killed, Revolutionary Road taught me ing the 1950’s. Leonardo DiCaprio is neighbor. She also introduces Michael that Leonardo DiCaprio may never win Frank Wheeler, the typical man of the Shannon who has had a stint in an in - an Oscar. Ever. No matter how hard he house, working hard for the money in sane asylum. However, he seems to be tries. Overall, Revolutionary Road is a an occupation too boring to even re - the only one approving of the Wheelers’ film that doesn’t try too hard to impress member. Kate Winslet is his perfect fleeing to Paris. Anything against the people, but does so with its timeless wife, April Wheeler, who stays at home norm is considered insanity and indi - portrait of a family that could be any - to care for their quaint Connecticut viduality is trumped by conformity. one from anywhere. house and their perfect nuclear family. Billy Zane does not reprise his role as the fillmʼs While I appreciated the underlying main villain, Iceberg. The beginning of the film shows the themes of the film, I was disappointed progression of their relationship from with the lack of any really great, steamy, was its intention. Why it wasn’t nominated: when they first met and believed that monogamous sex. I expected hotter sex From wide shots of a mob of mov - they were both destined to be some - scenes from this movie. Let’s face it, Ti - ing fedoras at Grand Central Terminal Limit one Kate Winslet thing special. However, as time went tanic set a standard of condensation-in - to a labyrinth of cubicles, Director Sam movie per award. on, the couple assimilated to suburban - ducing, hand-on-the-window, Mendes portrays the sense of a mass of ite culture and lost their individual animalistic panting while I orgasm people and loss of individuality in the identities to become “The Wheelers on backseat car sex. I got none of that in film. While DiCaprio is a very effective The Remaining Categories: Best Picture: Best Adapted Screenplay: Best Musical Score: Slumdog Millionaire -Apart from being a good e Reader -Because it’s about World War II. Slumdog Millionaire -e soundtrack is all hip movie, Hollywood loves minorities nowadays. Best Original Screenplay: and ethnic and stuff. Hollywood Loves that. Best Actor: Milk -It’s about to lose in every other category, so Best Musical Song: Mickey Rourke-Because he goddamn deserves it. the academy will give it this one. Hollywood’s love Slumdog Millionaire -e more ethnic sounding Best Actress: affair with the homosexuals ended aer Brokeback one will win. Meryl Streep-Because if she’s in a movie, she’s Mountain , but Milk is up against loser films like In Best Documentary Feature: automatically nominated, and she always wins. Bruges and Happy-Go-Lucky (whatever that is). Encounters At e End Of e World -We just Rumor has it she recieves her oscar before agreeing Best Animated Film: chose this at random. to work on a movie, sometimes as much as 20 years Wall-E -Were it not for the bullshit rule that ani - Best Documentary Short: in advance. en she melts the statue down and buys mated movies can’t be nominated for best picture, e Conscience Of Nhem En -Careful analysis and crack cocaine with it. Wall-E would have been a contender for that crown. expert know-how makes this one a lock. Take this Best Supporting Actor: Best Art Direction: one to the bank, we guarantee. Heath Ledger-He was awesome. He died tragi - e Dark Knight -Because Heath Ledger died. Best Animated Short: ically. And Hollywood loves comic book movies. Best Cinematography: Presto -Look at the cute little bunny. Best Supporting Actress: e Dark Knight -Because Heath Ledger died. Best Live Short: Marissa Tomei-She probably won’t win, but she Best Editing: New Boy -We chose this one at random also. deserves it, and so does e Wrestler . e Dark Knight -Because Heath Ledger died. Best Director: Best Makeup: Danny Boyle-Because he is awesome. Not as e Dark Knight -Because Heath Ledger died. awesome as Darren Aronofsky, but he got snubbed. Best Foreign Film: Best Costume: Waltz With Bashir -Because Hollywood is run by e Duchess -period pieces always win. the liberal Jewish elite, duh. Arts & Entertainment Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 18
Ghostbusters: The Interview Glenn Gamble greets me through voice of Peck – if you remember him – chapped, frayed lips. It’s Sunday, day the wonderful EPA agent from the first three of New York Comic Con, and film. while Glenn looks physically worn down, he sounds like the most enthusi - Everybody loves Peck – absolute com - astic guy in the room. edy gold with him. Basically, he is the li - aison officer between the city and the The reason, it seems, is because he loves Ghostbusters. The Ghostbusters are his game. As Senior Environmental employed by the city to keep New York Artist/Effects Artists at Terminal Real - clean from paranormal activity. They ity, Glenn is one of the people behind both need each other to keep their jobs, the next-gen Ghostbusters due out in but they both hate each other. There’s a June for Xbox 360, PS3 and PC. lot of backstabbing, and it’s great stuff.
Red Ring Circus: Tell us a bit about RRC: Is it a linear action game, or is it Ghostbusters . What kind of game is it? more of an open-world game?
Glenn Gamble: It’s a third-person ac - GG: It’s a linear action game because it tion game. The player assumes the role is set on a script that they wrote. It takes of the rookie. He’s basically Egon’s ex - place two years after the second film. perimental equipment technician. It You can go from the first film to the sec - sounds great on paper, until you realize ond film and then play the game. Each all this dangerous stuff is getting area is free to explore at your own strapped to your back. leisure. When you go to the Sedgewick Stay-Puft makes an appearance. Hotel you can go up the elevators to ex - GG: Right, and the reason we did that drop dead laughing. The story is written by Harold Ramis plore the other stories. But it is very is because you don’t know how to play and Dan Akroyd, the two guys respon - much a linear experience within the Bill Murray. I don’t know how to play Once we determined that the player is a sible for the films. We also got all the story confines. Bill Murray. Bill Murray is a comedy ge - fifth Ghostbuster, on the outside look - voice talent and the likeness rights for nius. I can give you some of his lines out ing in – basically Winston’s role when all the major actors: Bill Murray, Dan RRC: So you play as a rookie, alongside of the game and you’ll look at me like, they hired him – it helped bring every - Akroyd, Harold Ramis, Ernie Hudson, the main characters? “Huh?” He delivers them, and people one together. Annie Potts and William Atherton, the One of the things people ask is why we don’t have custom character creation. The reason for that is because people identified more with the rookie when he was actually in the high res cutscenes. We’d have to cut him out of the cutscenes because we wouldn’t know how he looks if we give every - body the ability to put a beard and a backwards hat on him. Overall most people said they did want him in the cutscenes, so that’s where we made that decision early on.
RRC: Is there any kind of multiplayer? Co-op or anything?
GG: I can answer very little about mul - tiplayer. We haven’t announced it yet. For the Wii and PS2 they have an - nounced co-op multiplayer. With our game I can say yes there’s multiplayer, Fightinʼ ghosts and other ectoplasmic baddies. yes, it’s really cool, and yes, it’s very dis - tinctly Ghostbusters . I can’t answer more The Stony Brook Press Arts & Entertainment 19
Who Ya Gonna Call? Clenn Gamble! questions than that. away with it, or they can just grab an air conditioning unit RRC: So I played the demo earlier. and ram it into you. What’s going to do more damage? GG: What did you think? I want to hear what you think. I’m actually working on RRC: As someone who the game. This is stuff I will tell people worked on the game, I’m sure at my office. I’m going to interview you you can explain one issue I now. noticed with the demo - it seemed linear to a fault, RRC: I really liked it. I thought the where the next doorway graphics were great, and I really liked wouldn’t open right away. I the destructibility of everything. thought, this is where I’m supposed to go, but nothing GG: You have no clue how deep that happened. Then I’d run goes. When you’re in the library level away... you can actually blow every book off the shelf. It’s not just for eye-candy either. GG: And then Ray would The ghosts will use that. If you got to open the door for you. the construction workers at the end, you noticed they can possess objects RRC: Right. and run into you. They can use them to teleport around the environment. We GG: Yeah, I hate to say it – actually have golems that form them - this is a great demo, don’t get selves up from items. There’s nothing me wrong, I love it – but it is more pants-wetting than having a 20- our most contained spot in foot golem attack you in the library. the game. That’s why we’re Action Walking! using it as a demo. People tacked on? But we did treat the Ecto-1 RRC: I noticed there’s a mix of trapping would sit here if they could play the like a character. When I was talking GG: You know, that’s another question ghosts and fighting off those marsh - game all the way through. The reason about the Times Square mission before - for Atari. I’ll always talk, but I’m an mallow monsters... we use this as the demo is because it’s hand, the Ecto-1 is with you, it actually artist and I’m always down in the fast moving, we could push the player has a purpose. You do get to ride in the trenches, and those kinds of decisions GG: Yeah, we have non-corporeal through. We wanted it to be all about Ecto-1 - there’s different events like that. happen well over my head. ghosts which the player doesn’t have to the action. You’ve got a little hunting in There are upgrades to the Ecto-1, there’s worry about trapping. They’re just there, if the player wants to try scanning actually the Ecto-1A. It’s heavily modi - RRC: Okay. ghostly energy formed up. There’s usu - something they can, but it’s very linear. fied. It does help you out when you’re ally a cause for it. Those marshmallow It’s very obvious where to go next, and actually playing. It’s not just for am - GG: But I would hope so. guys, they’re spawned off of Stay Puft – that’s why we chose this area as the biance. you don’t want to know where they demo. RRC: Any last things you want to say come from. Believe me. RRC: Are there any other departures about the game? In the actual game, I mean, the level from the standard gameplay? We also have the ghostly ones, and right before this you’re in the Sedgewick GG: Well I’d like to give a shout out to they’re the ones that can really use the Hotel and then you work your way GG: There’s a little bit of puzzle solving, everyone at Terminal Reality. It’s not environment to their advantage. They through the streets of New York to get a little bit of hunting as you notice in the just me working on the game. I got the don’t have to deal with the laws of real - to Times Square. The game itself is very demo. But overall, the game is all about benefit of coming out to Comic Con. It’s ity. They can hang a chair from the ceil - straightforward, but it’s within the con - the action and the storyline, and the been great. I wish everybody could ex - ing and no one questions it. They can fines of the area you’re in. Most archi - blending of the two together to really perience the energy of the people here. possess an object and have it run after tecture firms tend to be very linear like give the player the feeling that they’re We’ve got animators, programmers, you, stuff like that. that. the next Ghostbuster, and that this is the sound guys, level designers, environ - next step in the Ghostbusters’ story, and mental artists, character artists, pro - RRC: Yeah, I noticed there was a steel RRC: Do you get to drive the Ecto-1? to make you feel like a Ghostbuster, be - duction people, you name it. It’s just a box flying at me out of nowhere. cause everyone knows bustin’ makes huge group of people who are all pour - GG: No, you don’t. The reason for that you feel good. ing in their best effort – their blood, GG: It’s the inside of an air condition - is that we wanted everything to be top- sweat, and tears – to make this the ab - ing unit. What’s better? They can have notch AAA. How many games have RRC: Are there any plans to do any solute best game they can. a puny rivet gun and hit you from a mile played in which the driving sections feel download content or anything like that? Arts & Entertainment Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 20
Animal Collective is Weird textural cloak of the band’s 2007 single “My Girls” gives way to a low-end Indies influenced bridge, into a lover’s “Peacebone.” The song eventually cli - tribal rhythm, hazy sunlight and vocal ear, “Don’t cool off, I like your warmth.” By Josh Ginsberg maxes as Panda Bear, the Collective’s melisma create a portrait of a whirling Just as the lull begins, it ends and the second songwriter/singer, and Avey forest with lusting fauna, heartwarming Geologist pulls Animal Collective back I anticipated Animal Collective’s harmonize, lamenting that they cannot family and the contemplation of being into the lurching body of music which Merriweather Post Pavilion in a big way. hold the beautiful image of the careless fear. The theme of dreaming arises in parades onward with the same Its predecessor , Strawberry Jam , took dancer in time. But just as the song un - waves throughout the song, which is hunched, teetering posture of its me by total surprise last year. After ravels, its arpeggiated chords sinking punctuated by a throbbing bass note singers. hearing 2005’s Feels and becoming more down into the depths of water from and the wailing harmonies of Avey and “Daily Routine” is darker in mood interested in the band, Strawberry Jam which they were forged, what might be Panda. and features one of the records best blew my mind and eventually attained the most accessible pop song on an “Summertime Clothes” rivals “My vocal melodies, which is meticulously the status of my all-time favorite album. album that is bursting and swelling with Girls” as the most violently infectious composed by Panda, whose voice has That album made me a devoted fan, and quality starts to twitch out of the murky summer jam on MPP. Opening with the been compared to Brian Wilson and while sifting through the band’s whose background in singing in - dense back catalogue, I stumbled cludes time as a choir boy and a upon recent live bootlegs, start - very impressive solo career. The ing with last year’s set from the song chronicles a tired Noah Coachella festival, where I first Lennox walking his daughter to heard MPP highlights such as school throughout the cold, ugly, “My Girls” (then named polluted world. The song is “House”) and “Summertime somewhat mellow, with the ex - Clothes” (known as “Bearhug”). ception of a frantic organ sample, Strawberry Jam is amongst a which tears through melodic fills ridiculously small number of al - like a shred guitarist. The second bums that I think are totally flaw - half of “Daily Routine” pits Panda less. Yet, Merriweather Post against a wall of distorted organ Pavilion holds up well in com - swirls, ambient squalls, delayed parison. piano chords, and a trembling, “In the Flowers” starts just as wet sound occupying the lower the dam bursts and the room is register. filled to the top with water. The What sounds like an acoustic sounds soak you, you black out, guitar chord with delayed hops and then you’re dry on a river - throughout the backdrop like a bank. A distorted voice repeats cartoon rabbit, but subtly, in the its mantra, “I’m a dancer,” your violet space of sound, coasts until head throbs and then a winding, the end of the song, gives way to organic melody rises from the another standout track, “Bluish,” surface of the water. Avey Tare, which has never been played live one of Animal Collective’s two and was the only new song on singer/songwriters, guides you MPP for many obsessive fans, through the dark forest to a clear - like myself. “Bluish” drifts like an ing where you sit and watch a aquatic “Don’t Worry Baby,” young girl, intoxicated by the starting with a high-pitched natural high of her own body’s vocal, piano and the sounds of movement. Different samples, Itʼs an optical illusion! water, before the main theme some rhythmic clicks, some tex - comes in on a synthesizer. Avey tured bursts and waves punctuate the space and illuminate the ears. The voice sounds of children playing in a pool, describes getting lost in the safety and mellow, thoughtful song, whose chords that rises to the forefront is Panda’s, low and what sounds like a sampled and security of a monogamous love, de - pulsate with a gentle tension. You long croon. slightly processed guitar, Avey Tare scribing the closeness of long term love. for the purity of that sensation, and then “My Girls” is the first single and starts to sing about the unbearably hot, “Bluish” is intimate, and its chorus rev - a different kind of dam bursts. Instead contains within its nearly six minute insomniac nights that no summer is els in the exclusivity of “that dress [Avey of water, the world you knew becomes skeleton the most exquisitely, saccha - without. He describes this restlessness Tare] likes,” stockings kept on. the ecstasy of movement, love, light, rine chorus ever composed. Panda sings impeccably, and the thick, distorted, “Bluish” conveys a sensual closeness temperature, a palpitating heart as the of longing to buy a home for his wife low-end samples heighten this tension. familiar to anyone who was once in a bass and drums kick in on such a scale and daughter and then blushes apolo - With the help of Panda, whose voice happy, long-term relationship. Listening that it would be dismissive to declare it getically in light of what he fears is a compliments Tare so much better than to “Bluish” is like being cuddled by the anything short of cataclysmic. It is the greedy interest in material things. The John’s ever did Paul’s, punctuates the one you love. Its sexuality isn’t brash or most physically shattering dynamic songs driving beat and gorgeous build lyrical passages, Avey sweetly and ea - showy, but is nonetheless passionate change ever captured on magnetic tape. would render it a major club hit in a gerly croons, “I want to walk around and satisfying. Where “Summertime It is impossible to describe that single perfect world, thanks to Bear and Tare’s with you.” Avey Tare will always be Clothes” is a love song that revels in the second without resorting to unfath - unparalleled gifts for melody and pro - thought of for his abstract, complex excitement of going out and cooling off omably dense run-on sentences. There ducer Ben Allen, who has helmed the rants, but is no less a fantastic writer of with a lover, “Bluish” professes the won - is an eruption of clicking cicada, croak - work of pop artists such as Gnarls earnest, evocative love songs than any der of staying in and growing warm. ing bullfrogs, and the now classic elec - Barkley, and his ability to create a fully who has ever graced magnetic tape. He tronic twitching that first served as the polished sound-scape. sings gently after the wild bridge, West The Stony Brook Press Arts & Entertainment Now in Theatres 21 The Bleeder Slumwhore Chamillionaire The Curious Case of Benjamin Netanyahu My Bloody Coraline 3D
Further Statistical Evidence to Prove that Animal Collective is a Really Awesome Band MPP. “Lion in a Coma” has an awk - By Josh Ginsberg ward gait and is probably the most lyrically dense song on the album. “Guys Eyes” is a devotional love It features more indiscernible lines song by Animal Collective, this time de - than the other songs, but might be livered by Panda Bear, one of the two the catchiest in some ways, with a singer/songwriters. Much more sub - demented sounding pulse and dued than its live version, “Guys Eyes” is didgeridoo. Again, the lyrics seem a swirling fog of samples, snatches of to reflect upon regular life and the vocalizations, delivering every once and releasing the caged urges of physi - a while with a flourish of piano and per - cal love, a strangely present theme cussion. Retaining the wet, spacey feel on MPP. “No More Runnin” is the of the rest of the album, the song gets slowest song, and mellows the lis - hooked on a trance-like groove, over tener out. It evokes croaking am - which Panda repeats, “I need her,” until phibians, and features a pretty the chorus returns. The next two songs piano passage. It is a plea for stay - are immediate Avey Tare helmed songs. ing in place, looking for a sedentary “Taste,” which is carried on a jaunty solace. beat, and finds Avey wondering aloud And then there is “Brother - about how much his taste in things de - sport,” which is wordplay on fines him about him. “Taste” is the “brother support.” Written for shortest song on the album, and with a Panda’s brother Matt, the song strange, vibrating, rippling synth line, it serves as a piece of reassurance. Trippy young fellows... feels too off-kilter to be a single. But it is The song starts immediately with a pallingly (in a manner that actually in - Then they grow up and realize that it is the most played song on the album, ac - synthesized “Ooh!” and then, the Afro- cited anger in me), suggested to refer - cooler to like angst that means some - cording to my iTunes, and features a ton Brazilian influenced vocal, urging Matt ence a blow job in the horrendous thing, so artists with political agendas of the dual vocalizations that define to “open up his throat,” which ap - Rolling Stone review of MPP. or literate ruminations on lost love be - “Brothersport” has four sections. come en vogue. Eventually kids should The opening section, with a minor get to the point where their interests key vocal section, is a rave-up in - drift back to real life. strumental break, punctuated by Merriweather Post Pavilion takes you to differences between the back - an underwater kingdom on some far ground and Avey’s primal yelp, and out Star Wars planet, but it also makes a vocal sendoff that will serve as a you appreciate your girlfriend, or if you lesson in melody for many genera - don’t have one, it makes you reminisce tions of songwriters to come. It still over an ex, and look hopefully toward blows my mind that this vocal sec - something new. It reminds you how tion, which lasts nearly three min - much you love that little brother you ig - utes, always feels like it is being nored when you head banged to “Serve taken away from me too soon. the Servants” in the eighth grade, and it Panda’s lyrics are straight ahead makes you yearn in that simple way for and simple, not masterworks of stable, never-ending, familial and ro - lyrical dexterity in any capacity. mantic love. Panda instead opts to offer his Merriweather Post Pavilion is better brother love in a simple, motiva - than Revolver . It is better than anything tional way. The end of the song released by anyone else, ever. Every time seems to fade out at a point and on it ends, I am certain I have just listened what was at least the fourth or fifth to the greatest album of all time. Buy it. time I listened to “Brothersport.” I Download it. Learn from it. You’ve got a actually felt my eyes begin to well real good shot. up when it jumped back in. Some kids, including Animal Collective, They totally rule. Theyʼre from Queens, we think. listen to Nirvana for catharsis. Arts & Entertainment Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 22
Songs about Whiskey and the Devil
Balliet has much more to do, and I feel it contributes more to the overall dark By Katie Knowlton feeling of the songs. This album gives bassist Matt Armstrong a chance to The bearded and Western shirt- show his talent, as he also plays the role clad masses congregated at the Bowery of rhythm guitarist, in a sense, as well as Ballroom last Friday, Feb. 6, to see Mur - bassist. Until I saw them live, I never der By Death play their brand of knew how much he contributed to the rock/post-hardcore with a Western sound. The build up on this album is in - twist. credible, and it translated very well to a Openers, Fake Problems and The live setting. You could feel the audience Builders and The Butchers, started out anticipation before they launched into the evening. Fake Problems, a four piece “A Master’s in Reverse Psychology” and punk band from Naples, Florida played “That Crown Don’t Make You A a strong and energetic set. The crowd Prince,” two of the heavier and darker did not seem to have much of a reaction songs on the album. The last song of to their music, neither positive nor neg - their set, “End of the Line,” was a nine- ative, but that did not stop them from minute masterpiece, the crowd shout - putting on a hell of a show. Fake Prob - ing every word with the same ferocity lems plays their punk with a pinch of as Turla. It was an incredible thing to Americana thrown in, much like older experience. Against Me! or The Gaslight Anthem. After a short break, the band came Lead singer Chris Farren’s voice was back out for a three-song encore. They rough around the edges, which fitted led with “Brother,” their single from the music being played, and bore a their 2006 album, In Bocca Al Lupo. Af - striking resemblance to that of Against The Ironically named Murder By Death. terwards, they took requests for their Me!’s Tom Gabel. The lead guitarist, last two songs. Both of them, “Fla - der By Death to come on. In spite of every word. Casey Lee, showed quite a bit of talent menco’s Fuckin’ Easy” and “I’m Afraid their slow second half, The Builders and The second half of their set was the by incorporating slide guitar, which was of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf,” The Butchers were a very good act, and highlight of the night. They played incorporated into songs you would not come from their first full length, Like a number of the members sported ex - through their 2003 album, Who Will expect to feature such technique. Amaz - The Exorcist, But More Breakdancing, a cellent facial hair. Survive, and What Will Be Left of ingly, he did not make it seem as though fan favorite. Finally, at 11 p.m., Murder By Them?, which is my favorite album in he was showing off. Fake Problem’s set, Murder By Death put on an amaz - Death took the stage to thunderous their discography. It is a concept album, while not well-received by the audience, ing show, but the brilliance would prob - cheering from the relatively small the culmination of their Devil Show - was still an excellent way to start the ably be lost on those who are not fans of crowd. Then the five piece (including down epic. It is a much heavier and at - show. They set the energy level high, the band. They are on tour through original keyboard player Vincent Ed - mospheric album than Red of Tooth and and it carried all the way through to early March, so if you have the chance, wards, who had not played with the Claw , and it showcases the talent of the Murder By Death’s last song. so see them; it’s probably one of the best band since 2003) from Bloomington, entire band much better. Cellist Sarah The second opener, The Builders shows you can see this year. and The Butchers, were an interesting Indiana proceeded to play two albums act. An entirely acoustic (except for an all the way through in sequence. electric keyboard), six-piece folk-punk Dubbed “The Desert Series,” these two band from Portland, Oregon, The albums tell the story of a man’s journey Builders and The Butchers are probably through the desert, which culminates in one of the oddest bands I’ve ever seen a battle against the Devil in a small perform, despite the fact that their Mexican town. According to music is, by most standards, relatively vocalist/guitarist Adam Turla, the story normal. The two multi-instrumental - is like that of The Odyssey , “only with - ists, who mostly played drums, out the honorable character at the cen - switched off between melodica, shakers, ter.” The first album they played and mandolin, in addition to playing through was 2008’s Red of Tooth and bass drums and bongos set up on the Claw , their latest release. Turla’s deep floor, instead of a traditional drum-kit. baritone voice was reminiscent of The lead singer and guitar player, Ryan Johnny Cash as he sang of good, evil, Sollee, was so intense that he looked like whiskey and revenge. In spite of a few he was going to have an aneurysm the technical difficulties, the first half of the entire time he was on stage. His poten - set was incredible. The songs from Red tial death aside, he had a decent voice of Tooth and Claw really shine in a live that worked well for the imagery-laden setting, as they are easy to sing along songs about women, life and death. Un - and pump your fist to. And much of the fortunately, the second half of their set crowd did just that. Turla remarked, at dragged with songs that were too long one point, that it was incredible that a and lost the momentum (and the band could go out and do a tour in this crowd’s favor) they had built up earlier, “MySpace Age,” when only their single and the crowd’s favor. The audience be - matters, perform of two full albums in a Hanginʼ out in a field, not at the Bowery Ballroom. came quite restless, shouting for Mur - row, and people still come out and sing The Stony Brook Press opinion23 Why I Flipped Off Roger Taney By Alex H. Nagler Inauguration fever swept through Washington D.C. and some - how, the city emerged in one piece and successfully sworn in its 44 th President. Eleven hours on my feet had left me with a mild feeling of numbness that was successfully counterbalanced by dinner with a former Press staffer and a decent night’s sleep. The real reason I had come down to Washington would be the next day, and unlike the inaugu - ration, it would not be televised. I, after years of admiration, months of study, and an entire January devoted to an Excel spreadsheet, would be attending oral arguments at the Supreme Court of the United States. Ever since the year 2000, when the election was arguably decided by a 5-4 Supreme Court decision, I’ve been interested in the operations of the nine robed individuals who sit atop the high - est bench in the land. Unbeknownst to me when I arrived, Stony Brook is home of one of the preeminent Supreme Court scholars, Dr. Jeffrey Segal. Subse - quently, most of my studies within the Political Science Department have been tempered by his influence on the de - partment, and therefore, interested in the Court. It came as a surprise to me when the Supreme Court’s docket re - vealed not just one, but three cases up We imagine this is pretty much self-explanatory for oral argument on January 21. I real - ized there was no way I’d make it to the more frightening in person and against President Lincoln’s repeal of the emoniously smashed. I have no such early morning cases, so I decided it was nowhere near as cuddly as I imagined writ of habeas corpus in Ex parte Mer - power to do that, so I did the next best my best bet to make it to the 1P.M. case, her. Clarence Thomas looks like the ryman , sided with the majority in the thing. In the hall of the Supreme Court Nken v. Phillips. Court bores him. Amistad case and made major impacts chambers, I gave Roger Taney the one- I got to the Court around After the case was over, I went to the commerce clause. However, he is fingered salute of my generation. I 11A.M., when the second case was al - down to the lunchroom and museum to also best remembered for one of the flipped him the bird. ready under way. Waiting on line, I ig - take pictures of things, but then I re - most shameful chapters of Supreme Chief Justice Taney, we’ve nored the groups of students who were called the gallery of Chief Justices in the Court history. elected one of those people you claimed here mainly because their tours of Con - main level. Here, marble busts of all the Roger Taney wrote the opinion to be inferior president. In your view, gress hadn’t gone through or the muse - Chief Justices of yesteryear, sans Chief for Dred Scott, proclaiming slaves to be the new Attorney General is unfit to as - ums were too crowded. After the noon Justice Rehnquist. Among these august “of an inferior order and altogether sociate with “the white race.” That’s why, lunch was over, we filed in and were busts is that of Chief Justice Roger B. unfit to associate with the white race.” with all due respect, sir, I told you to go checked by security. Then the “oyez”s Taney. Regardless of these words, he has a bust fuck yourself. started and we were seated. Roger Taney did some good in the chamber of the Court. Some have Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a lot things as Chief Justice. He fought joked it should be removed, or even cer - 2-Page VMFX Special! Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 24
2008 World Series of Poker Championship Round-up Hellmuth at one point was com - vealed to the viewing audience. When maining nine players made their inter - plaining that his opponents were disre - Motoyuke Mabuchi splatters his chips views and good charity work to try and By Vincent M. Festa specting his raises by check-raising him. all in, Justin Phillips calls. distract themselves from the amazing In one hand, Christian Dragomir bets stress and unreal expectations of the The 2008 World Series Of Poker with 10/4 Diamonds and Hellmuth re- The result? Phillips reveals his royal final table. Broadcast on November Championships televised on ESPN gave raises with A/K offsuit with Dragomir flush (K/J Diamonds) while Mabuchi 11th on ESPN (with two entire days of poker fans on all levels a chance to see calling him. The flop (9/10/7) allows throws down a totally worthless four- action edited down to two hours), a their favorite poker players and quality Dragomir to raise on Hellmuth causing of-a-kind with Aces (As/Ac). Yes, you sold-out crowd of Vegas regulars, poker hands, but more importantly the bluffs, him to fold. Applause ensues and so read that right: a worthless four-of-a- fans, poker legends, and supporters of steals, and crushing defeats leading to does Hellmuth’s wrath calling Dragomir kind with Aces. the final nine were at hand to witness the final table. With the broadcast of the an idiot and the worst player in history. poker history. finale at the Rio’s Penn & Teller Theater In another hand, Hellmuth’s K/10 Castaway sails home. A good num - The November Nine were Dennis in Las Vegas, Nevada, viewers saw a Hearts misses the board entirely to San - ber of celebrities made their way into Phillips, Craig Marquis, Ylon Schwartz, much more exciting and rousing final teri Valikoski’s pair of Fives. After the this year’s WSOP, including former Sur - Scott Montgomery, Darus Suharto, table unlike before. hand, Hellmuth jumps out of his seat in vivor contestant Jean-Robert Bellande. David “Chino” Rheem, Ivan Demidov, 6,844 players entered hoping to be - frustration and calls Valikoski an “idiot Unfortunately, he was sent packing after Kelly Kim, and Peter Eastgate. come the 2008 world champion and from Northern Europe”. Hellmuth suf - suffering a very unexpected bad beat As seen on TV, all nine players were separated into four Day 1 player fers another loss by having his Trip from Sarkis Akopyan. played Aces and optimal hands no less pools. The top 666 cashed out starting Eights beaten by Adam Levy’s straight Bellande goes all-in with A/Q off- than a Ten and certain pocket pairs at at $20,000, leading all the way to about %90 of the time, then play - the top prize of $9,152,416. And ing marginal and lesser hands for the first time in WSOP’s his - starting at the top four (Dennis tory, the conclusion of the tourna - Phillips, Peter Eastgate, Ivan ment was delayed four months Demidov, and Ylon Schwartz). after the 10 th place finish to create With Phillips and Schwartz elimi - enormous hype for the final table. nated, it all came down to Russia’s For its finalists: extreme pressure Demidov and Denmark’s Eastgate. to win it all. In the final hand, Eastgate de - In big money events where feats Demidov holding an A/5 off - everything is on the line, there will suit and completing his bicycle always be moments of glory, straight (Ace to Five). While heartbreak, and some that beat all Demidov does a big service to Rus - odds. Read on for this year’s most sia by boosting his hometown memorable tournament mo - poker scene, Eastgate makes more ments. important poker history: he be - comes the youngest ever to win the From interviewer to Queen of championship (22), breaking Hell - Hearts. One month, Tiffany muth’s record. Hellmuth is eating Michelle reports on the action for his own words about Northern Eu - Pokernews.net. The next, ropean “idiots”. Michelle finishes in the main What started out with only event in a miraculous 17th place. seven contenders from Texas in Michelle becomes one of poker’s 1970 has now evolved into a world biggest overnight sensations not competition with comers from all only of her surprise jump from four corners of the world. Since correspondent to top-finisher, but also with Hellmuth ranting about poker suit (considered to be a very supersti - Chris Moneymaker’s 2003 champi - because her finish lead many to believe players not being able to spell the word tious hand on poker) versus Akopyan’s onship win, the entries now run into the that a first female world poker cham - ‘poker’. 10/9 offsuit. With a flop of A/2/8, Bel - upper thousands with the top prize well pion finally would be possible. lande felt he could double-up. Akopyan in the upper millions and amateurs have Aces flushed down the toilet: Think caught a turn Six and a river Seven to taken over to sweep the title away from Take a number: They don’t call for - fast: what happens once every earn him a back-door straight draw and the pros. As always, the World Series of mer world champion and 11-time 877,963,124 tries, or %.000001139 of eliminates Bellande from the tourna - Poker main event continued to surprise bracelet winner Phil Hellmuth “Poker the time? ment. many a fan and contender. It delivered Brat” for no reason. After all that he’s ac - In one of the amazing hands ever million-dollar thrills and action of the complished, he still wants more and ex - documented in WSOP history, the ta - The November Nine: It took four highest caliber. pects it, too. And when he doesn’t get bles reads Ah/9c/Qd/10d/Ad. Only months to build up momentum leading what’s expected, watch out. until the very end are the hole cards re - to the legendary final table. The re - The Stony Brook Press A VMFX Extravaganza! 25
Omega This will be my very last article with fierce internal struggle. Ever since I cause I believed that either you needed to grateful for all you’ve done. the Stony Brook Press. That’s it. walked out on my job of five years I lost a express yourself to validate being an indi - Isobel Breheny-Schafer, Norm Prusslin, After so many record reviews, poems, lot of things, most importantly a burning vidual, or, if something was wrong you and Jim Wiener : without them, WUSB short stories, satires, observations, pop- desire to be me. What kept me going was had to come out to say it. These pages would be nothing. Music diversity, per - culture references, and photos, I’m an - being taken away from the outside or were the perfect way of going for it and sonal and local identity, and our presence nouncing an end to an era. I can’t begin to could no longer continue because the seeing what happened. My only complaint would not survive without those who cre - tell you what I have witnessed over the five means were no longer there, replaced by was not doing it enough. ate and protect it. They are owed a lot . years and all the types of people I have hunger, fear, and uncertainty. Meanwhile, My advice for all the good people? Dustin Herlich : for giving me a chance met. Indies, art school girls, gossip queens, outside forces were numerating and com - FIGHT. Better yet, fight back. If your at taking the programme director’s helm drop-outs, true punks, skaters, gamers, ing after whatever little I had left. I had no enemy pushes you down to the ground, at WUSB. Thanks for the opportunity. nymphos, gays, lesbians, hackers, anar - time or energy to write for this paper be - you get right back up and take action. If Judas : My (closest) cousin. Thank you chists, protesters, feminists, hipsters, kit - cause all that went into fighting for sur - you don’t stand up for yourself, then you’ll for selling your own flesh and blood out ten lovers, and so many others I can’t even vival. The letter “I” was never more let others vandalise you. No one deserves to join a sorority. Without you, I have no think of. When I see the roster over the important. to be robbed and raped on the inside and meaning in what I do or what I stand for course of five years, I feel honoured to be Some days I wasn’t sure if I still belong be set on fire afterwards. If something is and against. Keep smiling. part of the epicentre of creativity, trend- despite being in the scene like I always wrong, then you fix it yourself and do Thanks to Marco, The Brothers Ear - setting, and eccentricity on campus. It’s have been. Recently I felt like I’ve turned whatever it takes to get up and running ley, Brandon 350, Corey and Kevin, Ray - was our own Andy Warhol’s Velvet Un - my back on the paper because I’m always again. Life is too short to be locked in mond Fry, Pud, and everyone at derground. It’s been an absolute pleasure. facing towards the screen whether it was bondage and submission, so fuck the Brentwood who still gives a damn. I’ve been part of seeing an era of USG finding a newfound career, or more likely drugs. Really. You only have one life to live I would also like to thank The Press versus CORE and a student being rough- supplying myself the new addiction of on - and I pray that you had better decide to 2004-2008, WUSB, and everyone else that housed by university police in one of those line Texas Hold ‘Em. So I apologise to the stand on your feet and fight for it all rather I’ve come in contact with over the last five meetings. A vote to reject the publishing Press for not being there like I should. than to lie on your back, spread your legs, years. There are just simply too many to of the Muhammed cartoon. Ask Amberly Even some of the past writers and and take it with a smile. mention. You know who you are. Jane and Gorilla Salad Express. Voting staffers who moved on that I still keep in ********** VMFX would also like to thank: Mass scandals. The Statesman ripping us off of touch with tell me that it’s just not the I would like to thank the following: Appeal Magazine, Industrial Nation, the the food plan spread. Conspiracy theories same anymore. Five years ago, The Press Jenny : we been through so much and Atari 2600, The Designers Republic, De - on how 9/11 was an inside job (a real was a different animal. Extremely militant, I hope we go through a lot more because I signers Shock, Mean Magazine, Yellow Rat funny article). Hitler Bush on the front aggressive, and controversial. And when always need your support and you by my Bastard, DHR, Invisible, Def Jux, Utopia page. The problems with pornography in we took a break from being that we went side. I can’t thank you enough for every - (Hicksville), Hospital Productions, Under our pages. And our all-time personal fuck-all at the parties mixing it with for - thing you’ve done for me. The Volcano, Raygun, Creation Books, favourite: “Gay Ass Fucker”. mer 80’s kids, the Brat Pack progeny, and Joanna : without a doubt, you’re one of Susan Lawly, Maxell, industrial/noise cas - I’ve taken many photos of our staff the art crowd. Not to say that we don’t fuck the most unique and stand-out people I’ve sette tapes, Club Moral Stock List, LIRR, getting piss drunk in public through many shit up like we used to and we still do, but ever met. As a friend, you’ve made a very Long Island Hardcore, Kings Mob, comp - a Beerfest. One night I walked into the of - the energy and the underground that ex - big impact on me and you are the reason style, Wasted German Youth, Cross Fade fice only to find out that a (sex) Tupper - isted back then is totally different now. why I keep on going. You have no idea. Entertainment, Flying Dutchman, Hip ware party was going on courtesy of Different people, different modus Mike Nevradakis : You backed me up Hop Site, the-breaks.com, Relapse, Warp, Amberly Jane. And I’ve found friends, operandi. To expose, be loud, and cause when I needed it as I have also backed you Rephlex, Record Stop (Ronkonkoma), staffers, and even myself, having some trouble is all done a little differently while by staying to talk about the pressing issues Permanent Records (NYC), Infinity very heated conflicts with each other and we still maintain our identity to cater to at hand. Never stop sharing the wonders Records (Massapequa), Cop Shop (Smith - with other factions. our underground roots. At some point of 80’s pop music culture, Greek media, town), Peel Magazine, Ubu, Ghoul-A-Go- I’ve seen the Patriot surface to be - most staffers end up growing out of it be - and the many stories of insanity of people Go, Metropolis, RRRecords, Avalanche, come a parody of ourselves before they cause they wish they could go back and I we know of. U.S. Playing Card Company (Cincinnatti), started to become a true paper. Black - don’t blame them. Notice how I said Mistress Lena : with an interest in each Subconscious, Blue Marlin, True Force world closed down while the Independent “most”. others’ music, recordshopping ability, and Productions, and Cheapo’s (Commack). gained ground, and the Statesman still What did come out of this? I took full the weird, I could swear you are my twin. ********** continued being little bitches (it’s still a advantage of the absolute freedom of No doubt we will get together more and I decided that I’m not done yet. Far poodle). SBU-TV and the Asian E-zine is speech and the anti-censorship that The cause more mischief. from it. Not by a longshot. I will still con - still hip, and WUSB is making everything Press offered and rode that train all the Sailor Marcel : my go-to guy for all tinue to express myself as VMFX (my alias cool again. I saw damaged property, dirty way out. Since my first semester here I ex - things Japanese. Thanks for coming out for everything I do) and say what needs to couches, fiery debates, and a prank on the perimented with many ways of writing and for your support and feedback. Don’t be said no matter how popular or not, no Statesman involving their crumbled is - styles, subjects, and articles that haven’t ever stop thinking outside the box. matter what medium of print, sound, or sues, many yards of tape, and a pink dildo. been covered or seen before. I went with Brandy Alexander : you’re too sweet. digital. For those still interested, you know Don’t ask. every range of emotion and thought I had Really. where to find me. That’s said, it’s been an absolute pleas - and expressed it the way it should. Being Bomi : the best Times Square New ure. yourself is the most important thing and Year’s celebrations couldn’t be had without There’s no need to say good-bye and But my mind tells me that it’s about if someone else is choosing your friends, you. Hope to see you make it in the big there’s no such thing until our time comes. time, really. At this point it’s time to move point-of-view, or style then you might as city. Until then, keep going and never give on because I’m getting too old for this. I’m well pull the plug on yourself. Emily Full of Grace : going way beyond up… done. I also never believed in the many the call of duty. You helped get me the an - Over most of last year I had a real years people of telling me to shut up be - swers I’ve been looking for and I’m very -VMFX Comics Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 26
Avantgarde by Werner Von Blur The Stony Brook Press Comics 27
We love your comics, poems and illustrations! Send them to us at sbpressnews@ gmail.com and show this campus what you ’re made of!...Artistically, that is. Comic Con in photos Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 28
Photos by Tia Mansouri & Roman Sheydvasser The Stony Brook Press Comic Con in photos 29 Vol. XXX, Issue 8 |Wednesday, February 11, 2009 30 Sports Why SBU Basketball Is More Than Just a Game ere i s no packed, and th e neergy rseonated question thta throughout thew hole cuort. Stony Brook is e osunds of hte mraching currently over - band, the sgiht of hceerleaders cart flowing with wheeling across the floro, thef eeling problems: aac- of that ever so needed school pirde demic resources and spirit that hsa ben so eahvily Najib Aminy are dwindling, discussed. uSrprisingly, thsi has bene our Byzantine the acse fro hte mjaority fo the agmes bureaucracy is played this season. frustrating, the infrastructure isc rum - Students continually fill up seats, bling, nad tsudents are sufferin g. administrators who deal with budg - Stony Brook pride is prcatically non - ets nad lcasses dress in edr, nad veen existent among its 240,00 tsudents, who the heavily rciticized Prseident openly express apathy and dsisatisfac - Kenny hsa tatended more hatn a tion. e oevrpriced Stony Brooko thcl- handful of gma es. Does this mean ing is just a façadeo f school spirti. Eevn that all the problems are fixed and the Candyland-like Zbera Path s cihip - the university is great? ping wa ay to show tis tru e monochrome Not necessarily, but it brings hope nature. tI exemplifies that , nom atter to a school clouded with such high how much paint uyo put no smo ething, negativity. For just a couple of hours, the true colors will show. But trhee is students can escape to a world where one ecxeption tot his depressing rop- shouting degrading comments about logue: tSony Borok Baksetball. the physique of an opposing player For a etam htat i s 13-11 ,hte Mne’s makes them feel better about them - Basketball etam kpet fans, acfulty nad selves. As juvenile as that may sound, Other than last homecoming, when stu - and Women’s Soball teams won the administrators ailke entertained in a it relieves the tension between a student dents rushed onto the field aer a nail- America East Conference to advance to close game against Binghamto. n and his or her problems at Stony Brook, biting win, basketball is becoming the their respective NCAA tournaments. ough the Saewolves los t by baa sket and, most importantly, expresses school precedent of what other athletic teams Women’s Cross-Country won its second in overtime, nothing can take aawy spirit and pride. and events should look to follow. conference title. Edwin Gowins was re - from the ripde and shcool spirit xheib - ere is no other location or time With the spring season on the way, cently awarded the Freshman of the ited byt he gamse ’ attending. where students are as spirited or in - athletics continue to be a vital role in Year award by College Sporting News Very arrely doe s noe experienc e the volved with the university than basket - how students look at Stony Brook. becoming the first Seawolf to win the sight of students cheeirng for toSny ball games at Pritchard Gymnasium, ough judged by wins, which is un - award. Women’s Soccer is coming off of Brook or shouting, “G,o Fight, Win!” which dwarfs even the football games at doubtedly heavily marketed by the ath - its most successful season since 1994 by which include s other sporting evnets. LaValle Stadium. Basketball games have letic department, Stony Brook sports winning 11 games this season. Yet, for some erason, at this arpticular become an oasis of what students may have found success in the past. Sure, it seems like athletics are tran - basketball game–the first of is thsemes - expect to experience from a university Just last year, both the Men’s Baseball sitioning their program from focusing ter–the arena, though smal l, was compared to their time at Stony Brook. on development to competitiveness, but, it is rare that there will be the same type of student involvement and activity seen in basketball games in other types of athletics. For an institution 50 years young, there is no defining tradition that stu - dents can relate to; there are only prob - lems. Nonetheless, that is the beauty of sports: it allows one to escape from re - ality while bettering the experience. Invited by the Stony Brook Athletic Department, Ohio State Football Coach Jim Tressel shared his experience with athletes and coaches alike. His advice for Stony Brook was simple. “What we did at Ohio State is we would build on all past traditions, even if it wasn’t that well established,” he said. “We would then talk about what we wanted to build, and celebrate every step.” ough Stony Brook may seem like it means well, any progress is to be over - shadowed by its current lingering prob - lems. at is, unless there are more basketball games. The Stony Brook Press 31 Sports Fame, Fortune and Folly alleged steroid use would have had bust. As for Mr. Notorious, look no fur - peaks is a testament to Simpson’s blunt ey are the Maris rolling in his grave. ther than OJ Simpson. A Heisman win - idiocy. With little regard for the oppor - kings of sport, With the world watching six years ner, No. 1 dra pick, five-time Pro tunities provided by his career, he acted the heroes of our later, Bonds shattered Hank Aaron’s all- Bowler, and four-time rushing cham - thoughtlessly and in line with the psy - childhoods, and time home run record of 754, his mile - pion, Simpson racked up over 14,000 che of a madman. If fans weren’t disil - perennial back stone accomplishment scarred by PED career yards. A stalwart with the Buf - lusioned by the charges against him, page superstars. speculation and strong public distaste. falo Bills and San Francisco 49ers, he they were most certainly baffled by his Jason Wirchin As kids, we e disgraced le fielder was accused of was inducted into the Pro Football Hall acquittal. would emulate perjuring himself aer he told a grand of Fame in 1985. en his most famous Of similar disappointment is ex - their every move jury that he never knowingly took dash was done behind the wheel of a pelled New York Giant Plaxico Burress. – their swings, steroids. white Bronco. Aer making the game-winning catch their jump shots, their Hail Mary passes Perhaps the game’s darkest day came In June 1994, police accused Simp - in Super Bowl XLII last year, the wide – aspiring to one day be the athletes we receiver accidentally shot himself in the loved. leg this past December. Authorities hit But once the spotlight fades, we see Burress with criminal gun possession that all that glitters isn’t gold. Before we charges, and later seized ammunition can come to grips with the feats they and other weaponry from his New Jer - have accomplished, our on-field idols sey home. Big Blue? Try Big Blew. become off-field fools. Like clockwork, For whatever reason, violence is an the most immaculate sportsmen deflate all too common way for athletes to our expectations, destroy our trust and botch their legacies. Take former Yan - disenchant our dreams. Call it the kee Jim Leyritz, famous for his two se - byproduct of money, naivety, and self- ries-defining home runs during the indulgence. 1996 and 1999 Fall Classics. e slug - As our national pastime, baseball ger now faces DUI manslaughter deserves first licks. During the 1998 charges for striking a woman in De - Home-Run Race between St. Louis Car - cember 2007. If convicted, he could dinals Mark McGwire and Chicago face up to 15 years behind bars. Cubs’ Sammy Sosa, fans nationwide As if this circus of clowns couldn’t be forged a renewed interest in the game. more disappointing, leading the pack is roughout that summer, both sluggers none other than merman Michael slammed dinger aer dinger until McG - Phelps. Aer shocking the world in wire broke New York Yankee Roger Beijing this past summer, Phelps won a Maris’ single-season record of 61 in record eight gold medals, and surpassed early September. Mark Spitz as the most decorated With every swing, the duo drew us Olympic champion in a single games. always closer to believing they were the He hypnotized audiences around the real deal. But it was a trap. Both used globe with his last-second finishes and steroids knowingly, but what did they unparalleled endurance. But when that care? ey were rich, they were on top fateful photo surfaced of Phelps, bong of their games and they were the beat - in hand, a god was made mortal and a ing pulse of an American love affair. swimmer drowned in his own igno - When rumors surfaced that both rance. men used performance-enhancing on December 13, 2007. In former Sen - son of killing his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Athletes are people, and as people, drugs (PEDs) to shatter Maris’ mark, ator George Mitchell’s report on steroids Simpson, and her friend, Ron Gold - they make mistakes. Perfection is however, love turned to lamentation, and other illegal substances in Major man. A low-speed car chase in Los An - nearly impossible to attain, even if tro - and lamentation turned to lost hope. League Baseball, nearly 100 current and geles followed before he surrendered to phy rooms prove otherwise. But with Suddenly, Big Mac wasn’t so big and former players were implicated as hav - the police. Over a year later, on October great power comes great responsibility. Slammin’ Sammy was far from slam - ing had some level of involvement in 3, 1995, despite substantial evidence de - Celebrities are superheroes in the eyes min’. And this was only the beginning. banned drug transactions. Several nouncing Simpson’s innocence, the of many, and their follies send a sour In 2001, San Francisco Giants slug - names were expected, others came as a once-beloved star was found “not message to their fans. A message, per - ger Barry Bonds crushed McGwire’s shock. Even so, role models betrayed guilty” of double murder. haps, that the champions on our three-year-old homer record of 70 with the fan base and giants became goats. Here lies the bombshell of all bomb - Wheaties boxes are nothing more than a season total of 73. As if our icons’ im - Moving onto the gridiron, the NFL shells. at a man so envied and estab - a bunch of flakes. ages weren’t tarnished already, Bonds’ has had its fair share of legends gone lished could fall from football’s highest Death Egg Zone