Page 18 THE DECEIVER WEEKLY FLUFF & STUFF April 1, 2003 When I Grow Up By:Allison Houseworth Scopin’ Out the Future All Grown Up by Your Mom

Dear Readers, has been extraordinarily busy dealing We regret to inform you that due to with the acclaim she has received since Aries (March 21 - April 20) Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) unforeseen circumstances Alli recently curing cancer. According to the stars, you will have The stars tell me your floor is sticky Houseworth has indeed grown up. Again, we apologize for any incon- a fatal toothpick accident. But what do and disgusting. Get thee a mop and a Therefore she will no longer be able to venience this may have caused. those Hollywood types know anyway? bucket of sudsy water, cretin. write this column. She has informed us that if you Sincerely, Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) care to send her emails sending love she will graciously accept them. The Retriever Weekly Staff Many literary awards will be Possible side effects of your However, she wanted us to clarify that heaped upon you for you work in pop- dietary supplement include: headache; her response may be delayed, as she Email Alli: [email protected] up non-fiction picture books. Your nausea; exploding internal organs; pop-up memoirs won’t sell as well dizziness; and bleeding from the eyes. though. But you’ll feel really strong. Who’s Got Crabs? Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) Your idea for Gorgonzola flavored It turns out that the changes involved and the fastidious Iron Chef Japan. Popsicles will be a huge success. Seek a in turning fries from “French” to from STORY, page 17 MTV: “Chess Life” patent right away. “Freedom” aren’t FDA approved. For pos- on the bus is a crack whore! Following “Sorority Life” and sible effects of this action, see Scorpio. NBC: “The Crab” “Fraternity Life,” “Chess Life” caters to What’s that burning itching sensa- a new breed of MTV viewers: the nerdy Cancer (June 22 - July 23) Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) tion? It must be your desire The voices in your head are talking A secret Duct-Tape Conspiracy is to get to the about you behind your back. plotting the downfall of gullible people couch and everywhere. catch NBC’s latest hit, Leo (July 24 - Aug. 23) Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) “The Crab.” Once you achieve mastery of the A lawsuit will be brought against Someone in bagpipes, we will all rejoice and cele- you by Liquid Plumber after you advise this rural brate your talent by throwing spitballs people to stop shoving mass quantities of West Virginia and pinecones. food down their drains. town, popula- tion 220, has crabs. And Virgo (Aug. 24 - Sep. 23) Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) it’s spreading Hey, Virgo, no one’s fooled by the If you stop blindly following every- like wildfire. “innocent” act so you might as well one else, you’ll have an easier time Can our eight drop it. avoiding the nets. detectives find out who the source is? Or will they one by one ACIV: “Good Times, Bad become the victim of Courtesy of the Photo Editor “The Crab?” Get on the Bus: Find out who the crack whore is on CBS’s Times” Started with Dope The WB: “Temptation MTA Bus.” from ZOSO page 16 “American one too many puffs from his joint, in the light Busboy” ones. The members of the University of Out on the tiles surrounding the of the midday sun. “How many more times is The nationwide search for America’s Buffalo chess team are expanding, but Commons, reactions to the decision were that gonna happen?” joked his buddies. “This next hot table-clearer is on, baby! Watch they have to put their aspiring members mixed. Undeclared sophomore James is the most high I’ve seen him since last week, these talented men (and women!) com- through several rigorous tests before they “Jimmy” Page was so shocked, or in his when he went running naked, like a fool, in pete for the opportunity to work as a bus- can offer them bids to join the team. Will words, “dazed and confused,” by the decision, the rain,” said an onlooker, casting into doubt boy at the Denny’s in Forest Lake, the chess hopefuls survive? Or will they that he “went in through the out door” on his his claims of marijuana distribution among Illinois! How low will the salaries go? quit and opt to join the less prominent way to class, and was almost trampled under- high-ranking school administrators. How fast can they clear those glasses? Dungeons and Dragons club instead? To foot by the oncoming crowd. Addressing the All official campus maps will be updat- Who suffers the most spills? Judges be honest, who cares? Don’t waste your Administration Building, Page shouted, “You ed, with the online version to be completed include Wolfgang Puck, Emerill, Cher, time with this one. shook me! Your time is gonna come! Babe, Feb. 1, at 4:20 in the evening. Unfortunately, I’m gonna leave you! I’m going to California!” according to officials in the OIT Department, and other chants, expressing his outrage at the an error was made in the revision process, name change. leaving “Zoso,” née ACIV, “Untitled.” One student, who works as a dyer maker, “There was a communications breakdown,” describes herself as a “living, loving maid,” said Carouse Lambra, who is in charge of and wished only to be identified as “Black www.umbc.edu’s online visitor guide. “Hey, Country Woman,” was very pleased by the hey, what can I do?” exclaimed Lambra, decision. Enjoying tea for one, a hot dog, and whose frustration at the university’s ever- a slice of custard pie, she declared this a “cel- changing policies and initiatives was quite ebration day! I feel like I’m on a stairway to palpable. “These constant modifications are heaven.” Comparing herself, presumably, to a really wearing and tearing on my ability to do J. R. R. Tolkien character, she said she want- my job right.” ed “to do the misty mountain hop. Dancing With regards to other name changes in days are here again!” she confirmed. store for UMBC, an unnamed source hint- “When I heard it, I was like, ‘good times, ed to the Deceiver that Physical Plant is bad times,’ man,” said one student who under consideration for alterations in the wished to remain anonymous. “Actually, it’s near future. Substitutes currently being probably nobody’s fault but mine, since I was tossed around include “Physical Graffiti” the one who scored that Dean some totally and “Robert Plant.” To quote the source, choice dope. He said he’d pay up, but the these proposals are likely to go over “like a cheap bastard never did, so I guess he figured lead balloon, or, what do you call those this would keep us friends. BFD, it’s not like things? Uh, dirigible? No... it starts with a it’s one of the houses of the holy or some ‘z.’Well, you know what I mean, like a lead shit.” He then passed out, apparently from blimp or something.”