News

President's Underdevelopment Burglary mm BY MIKE INGRAM The College Conference Office in Southside suffered a burglary over the weekend. The break-in, discovered on Monday morning, involved the theft of equipment worth over £3,500, including fax machines and a laser printer. The office appears to have been entered by the removal of a small panel of glass in the door (allowing access to the lock). The burglars left no sign of entry on the outside of the building. College Security are requesting anyone who has seen anything suspicious in the Southside area to contact them. They can be found in the entrances of most departments. Along with other incidents, the burglary has prompted a fresh campaign to cut down on easy targets for theft. From now on, Security will regularly be checking for unlocked and unattended rooms; those found will be logged. A reminder to lock the room will The Sherfield Walkway: before and after. Photo: Ivan Chan also be left. The thefts have also raised the BY MIKE INGRAM delay is due to "clarification on had been deliberately removed, but possibility of College making it issues such as fire regulations". He it is possible that they had merely compulsory to wear swipe cards in The promised development of retail said that the development is now been blown down by the wind and the College grounds. Security are premises on the Sherfield walkway being handled between the Union cleared up. Charles Leary, Deputy recommending that people wear (Felix 979) has been delayed. and the College Estates division. President (Clubs and Societies) their cards around College to help The plans to improve services on Investigations are also being commented: "ICU is aware that combat petty crime. the walkway were approved by the made into the disappearance of certain posters have been taken Management Planning Committee posters from the walkway. down and we will be investigating." (the top advisory body at Imperial Several groups, including the The Union would like to point Outlook College) last term. Union President, City and Guilds College Union out that the chocolate machine in Andrew Wensley, speaking to (C&GCU), complained at the last the foyer of the Union Building BY LYNN BRAVEY Felix, had estimated that the plans Union Executive meeting that now charges 25p for each bar of would be ready after Christmas. He posters they had placed on the chocolate. The refilling of the Employment prospects are on the has now said that the plans will be noticeboards along the walkway machine has been taken over by the up for this years graduates, accord- finished by the end of March. had been removed. Union, so it will also be restocked ing to a report by Incomes Data According to Mr Wensley, the It was suggested that the posters more frequently. Services (IDS). The document, printed this week, estimated that employers will increase their recruitment of graduates by 16 Colleges To Enter Stock Market percent this year. The IDS also claim that salaries BY MIKE INGRAM plans for the scheme, which has markets. for recently recruited graduates are been approved by both the "The blueprint may well give increasing by more than ten per The Committee of Vice Chancellors Department for Education and the rise to a need to re-examine the cent, compared with rises of the and Principals (CVCP) has revealed Higher Education Funding Council. Treasury's restrictions on univer- rest of the workforce of about two plans for universities to enter the A spokesman for the CVCP sities' powers to borrow against per cent. stock market in order to raise extra commented: "The new company their assets." The reasons given by employers income. A group of approximately will employ people who know what Universities have set up an for the upturn forecast in the ten universities is heading the they are doing, rather than dabbling advisory group to take care of the demand for graduates is an scheme which would involve in an amateurish way. Universities scheme, chaired by Sir William increased economic confidence and setting up a financial consortium to would have to put up money to Fraser, the principal of Glasgow a belief that the worst of the job- deal with investments. Institutions become shareholders. It is a form of University. The group also includes cutting exercises are over. would guarantee these investments privatisation. representatives from the Depart- However, the report cautions with their property (including "The function [of the company] ment of Education. against "over-optimism", arguing campuses). would be to enable universities and Imperial College is, as yet, not that most employers are simply A financial adviser has been other higher education institutions directly involved in the scheme. returning to 1992 levels of appointed to produce the detailed to raise funds from the capital recruitment. Deadline for Access Fund applications is 25th February News 3

Access Thieves Target Southwell Hall

BY SHAUN JOYNSON of another student. student was woken up at night by Fund College Security believe that the the sound of someone trying her Imperial College students have been thieves gained access to the Hall by door. When she investigated, she warned to be on their guard after following students as they entered found a man outside who claimed to Forms walk-in thieves stole property from the building using their magnetic be looking for a friend who lived Southwell Hall in two separate keys. there. He left the building shortly BY MIKE INGRAM incidents in the last month. Following these incidents, afterwards. In the first, a wallet was stolen Southwell Hall's Warden, Ken Though thieves have only struck Application forms for the second from a room. A man was later Young, has called for students to be twice, it is thought that they are round of Access Funds requests are arrested in Hackney in connection more vigilant in checking the choosing halls of residence because now available from the College with the theft. Two weeks later a credentials of visitors. they regard them as an easy target. Fees Office, room 334, Sherfield hi-fi unit was stolen from the room In another incident, a female Building. The funds are made available by the Government to help students suffering serious financial hardship. Term Time Jobs Affect Courses Potential applicants are invited to collect and complete a form. The BY LYNN BRAVEY Ted Neild, spokesman for the Christmas and Easter vacations. forms must be returned to the Fees Committee of Vice Chancellors and A speech made by Liberal Office before 25th February. Taking on part-time work could Principals commented: "It cannot Democrat peer Conrad Russell in Students who have received seriously affect your degree, be beneficial for students to work the House of Lords last week assistance from Access Funds in a according to officials. Vice Chan- part-time when they should be highlighted students' plight. Lord previous round of applications are cellors are launching a nationwide studying. They should not have to Russell, Professor of History at not automatically disbarred from survey to uncover the extent of do that." King's College, London, said that applying again. However, previous student poverty and the numbers A number of Oxbridge colleges the inadequacy of Government applications will be borne in mind working part-time during term. have already recognised the prob- support for students meant there when the assessments are made. With the basic student grant lem as serious and banned students had been a rush into paid employ- Please ensure that you collect currently remaining frozen at the from taking on part-time work ment. He also commented that it and return your form in good time 1990 levels students are being during term-time. Some are even was doing "a great deal of harm" to since it will not be possible to forced to take on Saturday and sending out letters to parents the quality of higher education. accept late applications. evening jobs to pay rent and living requesting that students do not expenses. undertake employment during the

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¥ My Dearest Sweetie, ¥ To Uncle Choo Choo 's? To the boyfriend from hell. I ¥ To Mr Carp, How can you say your eyes are From Auntie Chuff Chuff hope we always make everyone Is it true what I've heard about dull... All my love on Valentines Day. chuck on the tube and I hope your cod piece....You can slap When they have the power to I know I'll discover the route to we're always this happy me with a wet herring anytime. start a world war. your heart one day. together. Today South Love from your Old Trout. I love you now and forever... Kensington, tomorrow the Koochie koo. V To Michelle. World. ^ Dear Calvin, Well; just for one day!! From Love Nit. You haven't got a chance S? Miss Dynamite, North. without a necktie for your butt. I'll light your fuse anytime ¥ Dearest Koochie Koo, Love Susie. Love from Pyroman. ¥ Rebecca, you can Land on me With the dawn of each day new, anytime. Love from your tall I think of little else but you, ¥ Yvonne - love your sticky ¥ To the gorgeous man in 388,1 dark handsome stranger. Your kind and caring patient buns. can see you from across the ways, gardens and I like what I see! S? Ishbel C. Do you know the Touch my heart day after day, S? To Oedipus I have another But I'm not sure about your effect you're having on me?? And on this special lovers day, riddle for you. Bring your rubber plant fettish. Since the first day I saw you 24 I love you more than words can mother. hrs a day you're on my mind, say, Love Sphinx. S? To Monsieur Michel, when I eat, sleep, drink, go to And hope that all the joy you You are my Rampant Love lectures you just pop inside my bring, ¥ To my lovely Union Steward Puppy but please leave the head. You're driving me I reflected back in everything... - Please don't deny our love. Andrex alone in future...it's insane! HAVE A GREAT VALENTINES DAY!! getting very expensive! Secret Admirer. S? To my flightless friend, Loads and loads and loads....of I love your wordy ways. love. ¥ To J.J. ¥ Sam, Sam, Love from your little nest egg. Lemme shake your can you Do you know who I am? 'v' Toa furry bear on Valentines russet haired moptop - Mary L. Love Olivia. ¥ Brendan Day. Remember this time last year? Love from the Tiddlypom. face anywhere. Do you S? Old Crocodile, wear that balaclava all the time? I'm filled with enrapture, At your smile, Oh James, you make my knees Oh how grim, weak, my heart flutter, come Capture! around mine for some toast and butter (and Vegemite). Love...? ¥ To Raj, You're a precious gift sent from ¥ Charlie, heaven above, and I'll treasure Take a jump, you always. Do a dunk, Love N. xxxx. And you may score, In my bunk!! 7 Dearest SWEETIE PIE If all the stars fell down, S? Andy, I heard all about your I'd gather them and back passage, please let me paint them with moonlight, enter. to make a necklace for you my eternal love. ¥ Neil, I'm sorry for what we've Hunny Bunny. 'bin' through, all my love, Gez.

¥ To: Beck,

I got a Valentine's card once. Eleven years old understands me. "Nah, it's all too commercial treading Kings Road at 2am. So it's not and horrified. The idea of one of those skinny now," Matt says, although I wonder if he's dangerous? "Only if you're very insecure." Me? creatures thinking of me whilst listening to biased when I discover he works in the Her friend Bill tips the balance towards the Tainted Love, tongue to the envelope, licking bookshop. He's undecided about whether he'll love camp when he claims Valentine's cards are it...I destroyed the card in a wave of disgust. My do anything with his girlfriend on Valentine's a good idea and that he once worked out who siblings pieced back together the goobledegook. Day, but I wouldn't hold your breath; he was sent him a card by the handwriting. Hmmm...try ("Shmugbug please be my bedrug.") They were "exhausted after being with her using a typewriter next time Bill. looking for something more psychotic - my last night." My kind of man. Andy, from Mech Eng, tells brother had been sent Cindy doll parts all week; Score one to my side. me that he will be sending a his name scored into the plastic with a Stanley Our next victim is sitting card. He was pressured into it by knife. So the sibs, unimpressed, sauntered back nervously beside a pillar. He his flatmates (her mates). inside to watch Taxi Driver, Me, I forgot about it looks as scared as I am. Why? There's "no romance involved at until I reached fourteen and suddenly wanted to It's the prospect of going up to all" although he hurriedly adds know which of those pouting sexpots had lusted an Imperial Man and potential that his romance "lies for me. Unfortunately, they were now too busy rugby player and asking him elsewhere". Nice recovery. being driven around in Ford Capris by their sweetly if he still believes in Am I the only decent cynic sixth form boyfriends. I cursed my late love and romance. ("Yeah, kiss here? No way says Sally, who development and my early good taste. this!" Cue flying fist and studies Biology. "I don't think Honestly, males should be held back from spiralling reporter. I make a people believe in it. I know I'll school for five years. When the female of the mental note not to talk to anyone Kevin, The Sexual Chemist get one but I've already told him species is holding slumber parties, playing in a stripey shirt and shorts.) I I won't be sending him one." Eat Twister and wondering just why she likes the ask Mr Nervous about the day. He looks about your cake and get someone to bake you another. shower so much, the male is in the toilets and as he reads his paper says conspiratorly: Momentum is definatly swinging my way. I challenging his mighty mates to 'hit the ceiling'. "Yeah, it means something. It's a chance to tell notice a sturdy gent with a worldly wise glint in Every year I'd fall for someone, end up thinking someone how you feel about them." Worse, he his eye. He proves a noisy one. the excellent pre-printed rhyme quite sufficient calls it "an excuse", implying that we'd send "Valentine's Day? It's a chance for desperate and sign it 'from Owain'. Why did I never learn? each other pink paper with 'snookie bear' men to find desperate women - with the As regularly, the girls would point, not giggling written on it every day if only we could possibility of a shag at the end of it!" he rattles like in a movie but smirking. "HimT, they'd overcome our existential solitude. out. Ouch. He carries on "I mean it's a joke! For say, with a quizzical mix of shock, dismissal and He admits that he has a girlfriend and will be one day in the year a man will get romantic - repugnance. After several years of these annual taking her out on the fourteenth. The man is too what about the other 364?" public humiliations I finally soppy for words, I have to Come on Kevin, haven't you ever wined and caught on. Women don't write photograph this. "No!" says Mr dined, sent flowers? "Flowers! That's it! It's all cards for men, they write them Nervous, holding up his hands. part of the world wide Interflora conspiracy!" for each other. "No photo, no names." He then His friend shakes her head. "Yeah, lets get Think about it! It's one of questions who to ask about 'the woman's perspective' now," says Kevin, those bonding things. Going putting mascotry articles in cottoning on to the corny language. She replies: down to Athena together, FELiX. That's the reason for his "If you're a couple it's a chance to be nice to picking your cards, writing your reticence, he says. As quickly as each other" but Kev's not going to be silenced. cringy lines together and then you can say "fasten your seat "Where's the spontaneity in that!" he laughing at the recipient belt please Mr Rushdie, we shall screams. "Send cards in October. No - send together. And the codes! Show shortly be landing in Iran," he's Bananas! Fruit for Valentine's Day! And another me a man who understands gone. All I can say is if you think thing, why don't people put their names on? You 'SWLAK', 'GYKOQYMCH' or he's your man, send an anonymous one and TWAN2FUKU' and I'll show your best bet is some other bloke gets the girl on you a cross-dresser. to carry an eight your behalf! No wait, that gives I've just been informed by a passing hackette foot by three foot Valentine's me an idea! Why not send that I'm bitter, twisted and that the acronym is card with you to lectures. yourself one and claim it was 'SWALK'. Oh, and Valentine's Day is all about Next up is Miss X, a physics from someone really pretty, use love - yeah, like Silence of the Lambs is all student. "Valentine's Day is cute it to ask her out?" Too about cooking. "Go out and ask people then." if you're in love. But if you're commercial? Try too psychotic! Hold still, trembling heart! There hasn't been not, it really means nothing". I I whirl out with my notes and such a forgone conclusion since General ask her if it could actually be my photographer. Leaning 'Geographically Challenged' Custer said to dangerous - ostracising the against the wall I catch my lieutenant; "Indians? Indians? Pull yourself lonesome and single population, breath. I see Kevin was the together man, this is California not Calcutta." leaving them with nothing to do natural extension of myself. I I set out in search of Cupid's February Fools. but eat chocolate and watch Anna sells tea and hearts walk with my head hung low. I'll ask them about the hearts and roses stuff; if Baywatch, nothing to listen to On the way, I stop to buy a any of them come over all dreamy Diana will but The Red House Painters, no hope of a hand chocolate bar. And Anna, of the Concourse Tea snap them for posterity...and prosperity too, in to clutch in the godless February evenings, when Bar revives my spirits: "Nah, it's all for fun! the subsequent blackmail for the negatives. the neon burns so bright and warm and you're so People have been sending cards for as long as I First up, a strapping young man is sunning alone, unwanted, walking the streets and can remember. I'll be getting one from my himself in the JCR. I rush over and mumble anyway, she says "no" though judging from the husband! Lovely." something about Valentines and the trooper look of her she's ne'er worn down the leather See, I told you so. Love is in the air. Win £100 of vouchers for high street stores on page 19 Feature 1 Valentine Cards: Principles and Practice Michael Ingram, the noted naturalist, talks about the birds and the bees.

Preface messages to their secretaries. Thus you should be on the look out for any shorthand in the card Fate is taking the piss; it is its nature to do so. (eg. 'I wnt t g t bd wt u'). It may be that your Worked Examples I had thought that I'd write a nice admirer is something in the city (like a road). If you still find yourself stumped, despite introduction about who the real Saint Valentine the symphony of advice I have granted, here actually was. Maybe even get something funny 3. If the card contains extensive usage of the are some examples to use: out of it. So off I went to the library to hit the word 'mother' (or its derivatives), then, unless history books. Unfortunately, the history books I you have children, it is almost certainly from Roses are red found seemed to have been written by David Ice-T (or his derivatives). And violets are blue Lynch. Basically, what they said was this: I know you like solvents There were in fact two St. Valentines. No one Giving So I've sent you some glue really knows who either of them were. Neither does anyone know why they were made saints, At this time of year, those with a yearning for You've the loveliest eyes or why they were immortalised as a date in our their beloved may become bitter, twisted and That I've ever seen calendar. The duo were so mysterious that they malodorous if they find they can't express their But my parts have been caught probably didn't tell anyone their names when feelings. Thankfully, many conventions have In a threshing machine they were alive, so people would have had to been established which enable even the most call them 'bloke' or 'hey you'. Perhaps clueless amourant to produce a card so Roses are red typically, the ancient Romans decided to solve blisteringly erotic that the reader won't know And violets are blue the problem once and for all and martyred them what's hit them. And Brezhnev is dead both. Physical gestures have a special notation - a So you '11 just have to do On top of that, I doubt that anyone except cross means kiss and a circle means hug. Thus Zen masters will see any connection between the 'xxo' means 'two kisses and a hug', and 'oxo' Your eyes are like diamonds saints and sexual potency. means 'hug, kiss, hug' (or 'stock cube'). If you That shine in your mirth So, I thought. That's my original idea down find yourself facing a complete game of noughts But your razor tipped thumbs the toilet. and crosses, I suggest you consult the Karma Sutra. Are like nothing on earth Receiving Verse conventions such as 'Roses are red, violets are blue' are very common. This is a Roses are red Yeltsin is red Many people maintain that giving is always good thing, as it ensures the prospective mate is Yeltsin! Yeltsin! Yeltsin! better than receiving. In the case of Valentine totally clear about flower colours. It can also be cards, however, this is definitely not true (so if used to impress them with the depth of your Roses are red anyone tells you it is, stand on their toes). The knowledge. And violets are blue reason is obvious: being on the business end of a Here are some rhymes that will be useful if When the pentangle 's ready serious card greatly increases one's chance of a you are writing an innuendo-strewn masterpiece: We '11 sacrifice you shag. However, in order to transform probability red, the Grateful Dead Violets are blue into reality, you first need to identify your blue, ague, shoe, achoo And roses are red admirer. This can be extremely difficult, but yellow, bordello When you're plucking a chicken there are a number of useful clues to look out hips, apocalypse Must you bite off its head? for: stallion, Pygmalion failure, genitalia "Roses are blue 1. If it is signed, then read the signature. This domination, irrigation And Violets are red will give you the name of whoever wrote the toast rack, Bennallack Oh I do like these Poppies" card. Well, it will give you a name. libido, aikido The Mad Hatter said 2. Busy executives will often dictate Valentine Okay Lurve Cadets, let's go to work!

Kinoes?, yoH'U. .fVMUty «OM«#V**. HTJ THAT a Clubs and Societies Boardsailing Bruno Interviewed on STOIC Frank Bruno was interviewed last weekend by season of films is also about to start on STOIC. the Student Television of Imperial College at his This is a collection of films made by London Club Update training camp in Leicester. Frank gives his students with a wide variety of themes including The following months will see a lot of activity views on every thing from pantomime to sex. gangster and horror. for the Windsurfing Club. As well as running This will be the first programme in a series STOIC is about to go back on air to the trips to Queen Mary Reservoir every called "Simon Says" based around the workings college halls of residence after rebuilding the Wednesday afternoon, we are also planning of a television studio with a guest star in each studio. If you cannot wait then just watch in Da three longer trips. programme. A parallel series of interviews is Vinci's bar during the day or evening. If there is The first of these will be to Gosport on the also being run on a more serious note by Carlo a particular programme you want to watch then South Coast from 18th to 20th February. As Massarella. The first in the series was filmed last please ring on (0)3518 or visit the studio on the well as being a club trip for all standards of week with "Blockbusters" star, Bob Holness. A top floor of the Union Building. sailor, this will also be the location for trials from the ULU windsurfing team. This team is being set up to take part in the first ever On Their Way To Motspur?! ULU/Oxbridge Challenge at Datchett. The next trip for the club will be a week long IC lsts 4 - Goldsmiths 0 scored a scrappy goal, but it was not until the trip to Penzance over the Easter holidays, from Having already beaten two of the top three second half, that IC scored what has to be 30th March to 6th April. teams in the last couple of weeks, IC were full considered the goal of the season. The ball was Soon after returning from that trip, we will of confidence as they faced the remaining top swept around the defence, until Dixon played a be going to Clacton to take part in the second team, Goldsmiths. They then proceeded to peach of a ball to Tellis Botzios, who flicked it Student National Windsurfing Championships expose Goldies inadequacy and give them a into the path of the Owambala, who headed into from 29th April to 2nd May, the Bank Holiday lesson in football unseen since Tottenham 1981. the top corner with great aplomb. weekend. This event is again being sponsored The defence was a picture of stability and keeper Alex de Stefano, in his winger-role, took the by Bic Sport UK, who are providing a selection Mark Nally's most difficult moment was dealing piss out of several defenders, then went back of their new kit to try out. with a dangerous Rob Williams back pass. and did it again and again. The final whistle If you would like any information about Within minutes, good work down the right saved Goldsmiths' agony and IC were honour- these trips, or any details about the club, please led to the ball ending up at the feet of American able in victory. A spokesman for the team said: come along to our next meeting on Tuesday at Ian Palmer. The debut-boy walloped it past the "It was a game of two halves, both dominated by 1.00pm in Southside Upper Lounge and we will Goldsmiths' goalkeeper. Soon after kickoff, IC IC and we're over the moon, John." be happy to help you out. were awarded a free kick, which Richie Dixon IC next face Kings in the semi-final of the took. He scuffed his shot and the ball ballooned cup and having annihilated them once in the onto the head of the left back/centre forward league are confident of reaching the finals. IC Ben Willis making the score 2-0. Ian Palmer are on the way to Motspur...!

IC Radio Programme Schedule I.C.Radio Top SO DAY FRI SAT SUN MON TUE WED THUR TIME 11th 12th 13th 14th 15th 16th 17th Campus Chart BREAKFAST] 8-9 WITH THE BREAKFAST WITH THE POSSE POSSE Help us to compile the Imperial College Radio Top 50 Campus Chart by telling us your 3 favourite songs ~ they can be singles 9-10 OR album tracks. By doing so you could win yourself any of the MUSIC glorious prizes (CDs, T-Shirts, etc) in the Jukebox Give-Away! 10-11 JAM MUSIC JAM This chart will both be played on I.C.Radio in the last week of 11-12 MATT term and published in FELiX in the same week (we hope). AROUND DAN THE 12-1 MIDDAY MAN'S Your top 3 songs: LUNCH- 1-2 BOX WED'DAYl Artist Title. 2-3 ALEX MUSIC WEEK MUSIC C. Artist Title. 3-4 AL AL'S TOP JAM GROOVE JAM Artist Title. 40 4-5 SHOW ALBUM UK RICHARD CHART SAW Your Name 5-6 TOP WITH Your Address KICK UP THE 40 6-7 (THE ARTS; LOFT JUKE BOX ANDY'S MiyyiuN RICHARD 7-8 IMPOSSIBLE SHOW MONDAY SAW MELTDOWN TIM DOM& Contact Number 8-9 DAN THE FAT APOC- BLOKE BACK TO PATRICK Please return this form to one of the special I.C.Radio 9-10 OLYPSE WOOD POSSE POSSE BASICS CLASSICAL boxes in I.C.Radio, FELiX, the Union Office and in a JAMES hall kitchen near you. Clubs and Societies S

i p r i a I c So You Wanna Be A Star ! m a r a d I After a complete new amplifier was fitted over Christmas, London's best Student Radio Station is back and better than ever. Here are some of the things that have been happening, some that are going to happen and how you can become a star on Imperial College Radio.

You can pick up LCRadio on 999AM, and listen Jukebox & Top 50 to it on high quality land-lines in hall kitchens, IC Radio Buffet the JCR, FELiX and Southside bar and laundry. To mark the launch of the various things Every Weekday 6 - 7 pm, starting Monday 14th happening this term, IC Radio present the February is the all-new IC Radio Jukebox. opportunity of free food, music and lots of fun Recognising the need for a regular request at the IC Radio Buffet. So if you're vaguely show, the Jukebox will be taking requests interested in the Radio come and join us. It is during the hour and playing them immediately being held during the evening of Wednesday (well, as immediately as it takes the presenter to 23rd February in the New Southside Disco find them). Don't worry if you've not phoned Room (the old Belushi's). Come along and find down for a request before. It's easy - 789 from out more. halls, and 3440 from anywhere else in College. It's on the internal telephone system - so it's all free. Interviews So...what do you fancy listening to between The IC Radio Committee ~ a bunch of more Recent interviews on I.C.R. have been of a high 6 and 7pm each day? friendly people you couldn 't hope to meet. standard with a range of famous groups Along with the regular requests we shall interviewed including (excuse the name also be playing people's top three songs with dropping): The Boo Radleys, The BMX spot prizes for some played. This too is a new Information Bandits, Pulp, St Etienne and Chicory Tip (the feature for this term and is part of the bid to If you want to know more about any of these top 70s Band). compile the IC Radio Top 50 Campus Chart. things then come down for a coffee. The station is Future interviews will include: Slint, Citizen Vote for your top three songs and you stand manned most lunchtimes and every evening. We Fish, Mark E. Smith (The Fall) and Beat to win a spot prize (CDs, T-Shirts and the like). are located next to the Southside Shop just down Happening. Obviously we have a great need at Entry forms and collection boxes can be found the ramp from the Southside security lodge. present for interviewers, so if you think you're in IC Radio, FELiX, the Union Office and in a So if you've great ideas for a new show and able, come down and have a chat. Hall kitchen near you. There is also a form on haven't yet got round to putting them into Although we can't guarantee it, if you have a the opposite page. The Top 50 will then be motion - now is your chance. Especially now particular favourite group that you'd like to played in full at the end of term. that our new purpose built editing suite over in interview let us know and we'll try and get it for So...grab a form and give us your choice. Northside is nearing completion. you. Most take place at gigs where your Queries will happily be taken by: entrance is free. We also need music reviewers Jukebox ~ WEEkcUys 6 - 7 piw James Handley - Station Manager for the latest releases, so come and see Donna Requests ~ 789 (Halls) or 3440 (College) Steve Dunton - Technical Manager (Publicity) or Neil (Head of Music) at the Radio Neil Bond - Head of Music Station. We want You ! Regular Shows Now that we've had a term to find out who's Back to Basics Tuesday: 9-10pm A Kick Up The Arts Friday: 7-8pm good and who's best, we have allocated this No, not a tory show or even a catering advert, but Join this fusion of up-to-the-minute news (top term's regular shows. Below is a brief listing of Rahul and Jamie, our friends from across the politicians interviewed live on air) and a compre- the presenters, style of show and of course the pond in an up-to-date indie show (with more). hensive rundown of the arts listings for the Time: Dan The Man's Lunchbox Wednesday: 12-2pm capital, including cinemas, theatres et al. Breakfast with the Posse Every day: 8-9 am A show that just keeps running. Now in its third Matt Around Midday Saturday: 11.30am-lpm Wake up every morning to the riotous sounds of glorious year this mix of music, information and Saturday lunchtimes just wouldn't be the same Jaymz Pace and the Breakfast Posse (if he ever chat is the perfect lunchtime combination. without waking up to Matt Cornell around finds one)! Wednesday Week Wednesday: 2-3pm midday. A lively chatty show playing great Mission Impossible Monday: 7-7:30pm Gareth Mitchell returns this time with an hour of music. Some old, some new, the mix is endless. The most up-to-date science programme around. interactive radio, phone-ins, requests and the Top 40 Album Chart Saturday: 3.30-7pm Easy going with fun captivating articles on the usual cutting wit of the man himself! Surveys show that students buy albums more latest scientific reports and developments. Al's Groove Show Wednesday 3-5pm than any other format. So join Lofty every Monday Meltdown Monday: 7.30-8pm The perfect way to complete Wednesday Saturday afternoon for the chart that you decide! Join the awe-inspiring Gareth Mitchell for his afternoons (the one day you're in all afternoon), first show of the week. "Humourous, topical and with Alistair's casual talkative style. Don't forget there are plenty of other shows just close to the edge." Richard Saw Wednesday: 7-8pm as good on a semi-permanent basis and You Dom & The Fat Bloke Posse Monday: 8-10pm Anyone who's allowed to name a show purely could be amongst them. Training is easy, Some of the best new talent this year. A main- after himself must be.good and with training in membership is cheap, and after the initial surge stream show with a fun lively approach. These professional radio, this is perhaps the most of the first term there are now spaces appearing guys work well together and it shows. technically correct show on IC Radio. on the schedule once again. Go on...Be A Star ! Listen to IC Radio on 999kHz AM anywhere round the College 10 Clubs and Societies The Overseas Students Committee Page OSC Notices: Welfare for Overseas Students

Volunteers required, experience essential. All If you are an overseas student at IC, then the Committees with an OSC presence: costs will be covered by the OSC. Places are OSC represents you. Members of the OSC Exec limited so place apply by 18th February. sit on various committees in order to safeguard Union: Executive Committee Photographers, Artists for stage backdrop your interests. If you, as an overseas student, are Finance Committee Contact S. Ratnam via OSC Exec pigeonhole in worried about any aspect of College life and you Accommodation Committee the Union Office. think that we could help by voicing your College: International Committee concerns on the relevant committee, please Welfare Committee Two comperes (male and female) are needed to contact the OSC Welfare Officer via the OSC External: Executive Committee (Kensington host International Nite '94 on Friday 4th March. Exec pigeonhole in the Union Office. Also, the Committee of Friendship for Overseas Members of any OSC society interested should Union Adviser offers free confidential advice. Students) contact the OSC Exec via the OSC Exec pigeonhole in the Union Office. Applications must include name, department, society and experience. Deadline: Friday 11th February. Soccer Tournament

A full Overseas Students Committee meeting Last week, the Cypriots and Iranians qualified The Iranians beat the Mauritians 8-0, but the will be held on Monday 14th February at 1pm in for the next round of the OSC Soccer score could have been worse if it wasn't for the the SCR, Union Building. All presidents of OSC Tournament. Both sides looked very strong and excellent saves by the Mauritians' goal keeper. societies and the OSC Exec must attend. played impressive football. It was very nice to see some support this In their game, the Cypriots took control of week and I would encourage more supporters to Meetings for all OSC society treasurers will the match, overpowering the Iranians and come down to the football court on Sydney be run at 1pm, Tuesdays in the Brown scoring five goals in the first eight minutes. The Street as the football played is of a very high Committee Room, Union Building. All OSC game looked as if it was over, but the Iranians standard and enjoyable to watch. society treasurers must attend. started to play as a team and came back strongly. There was a time in the second half when the match could have gone either way, but the Wednesday 16th February Cypriots managed to hang on and win 9-6. Results - Group 3 Both the Cypriots and the Iranians beat the 3.00pm African Caribbean vs Sri Lankan Mauritian team, but the Mauritians did put up a 3.45pm Sri Lankan vs Singapore Pakistan 7 - 3 Lebanese fight. Against the Cypriots, they were only a 4.15pm Singapore vs African Caribbean goal down at half-time and were causing quite a Lebanese 12 - 0 Japan few problems for the Cypriots. But they Teams are required to be at the football court on Japan 0-13 Pakistan collapsed in the second half and lost 9-1. Sydney Street at the times stated.

Football Editor Wanted

IC 2nds 2 - 6 RFH It was a tough afternoon at Harlington. Rob We want YOU to stand for the prestigious post It drizzles, and when it doesn't, it rains on the Franolic, imported from Wimbledon, battled of Rag Mag Editor 1994. The elected person(s) Imperial College 2nd XI this season. Yet last hard in defence; East End hard-man Nadarajah will have the sought after task of putting Saturday's glorious sunshine provided a sense of jumped into all potentially volatile con- together jokes and cartoons for our Rag Mag, spring like optimism before the league match frontations with the opposition, in the fashion of keeping up its infamous reputation throughout against Royal Free Hospital (RFH). However, it the excitable Stelike who played for Real British Universities! If you think you would like takes only one second to score a goal, and after Madrid and West Germany; and Matteo Farina to do this job, come and talk to Jane or Helen at just two minutes, RFH had scored two, in the tried his best to be sent off, in an attempt to one of our meetings or in the Rag Office. style of Bryan Robson in 1982 and San Marino emulate his childhood hero, the notorious On the events side, we have a collection at somewhat more recently. Claudio Gentile of Italy. Disgusted at the Covent Garden for those of you in City & With cool heads and brave hearts, IC 2nds referee's lack of attention, Farina eventually Guilds. This is the second part of the CCU started to spin a cobweb of passing around the walked off the pitch voluntarily. challenge, so if you are a member of C&G and hapless medics. They were soon rewarded with a Despite their continued efforts, IC were would like to try and win a hamper of condoms goal by a orderly header by Dennis Nadarajah unable to score and frustration, tired limbs, and plus another unnamed prize, join the collection off a precisely delivered corner kick by the still fading concentration soon merged to form a on Sunday. Also there is Rag Tour happening unshaven Abs Said. A few minutes later Billal disastrous cocktail of vulnerability. RFH scored next weekend, along with a collection at the Al-Quitab, playing with a six million dollar four more goals. However, as Socrates explained Mission concert at the Forum on the 18th knee, equalised for Imperial in a carbon copy to his colleagues after he missed a vital penalty February with guaranteed entry for six people. move of the preceding goal, opening the against France in 1986; life is like an April day, To find out more then come along to our floodgates of memory to Brazil's first two in the a little sun, a little rain, and the night steals meeting today at 1.10pm in the Ents Lounge or 1958 World Cup final. across the plain. pay a visit to our office during the lunch hour. Fancy editing a Rag Mag? See Jane or Helen in the Rag Office Clubs and Societies 11 MathSoc Identity Crisis On 22nd November 1993, a new departmental society sprang into life. The Mathematics or Personality Society (Maths Soc) was born, heir to the late MOPSoc and promising to promote Maths and its applications to the best of its abilities. Clash? Now, a quarter of a year on, we welcome the Head of Department, Prof Adrian Smith, in a Is that Prince Charles, Peter Beardsley or Dame pseudo-maths talk entitled 'Statistics, Money Edna? No, hang on it's, now don't tell me, it's and Sex - How to make decisions about the Jo Brand, no, Trevor Brooking or is it Simon really important things in life.' As with all Bates. Surely you couldn't get Ronald Reagan Maths Soc lectures, anyone is welcome and the and Julian Clary in the same room. Well, talk, on Thursday 17th February in Huxley room perhaps not in real life but Alistair McGowan 340, starts at 1pm. Make sure you don't miss will do his best to bring them all together. this rare opportunity to see the mystical master Alistair is one of a new breed of of Mathematics at work! impressionists. He provides many of the voices Previous lectures have included the as-seen- for Spitting Image, the football fanzine m-Felix 'Afterglow of Creation' by Marcus programme Standing Room Only and the list of Chown, 'Colouring Maps' featuring the Four radio appearances is truly impressive, trust me, I Colour Map Problem, 'Connections (?) between couldn't fit it on this page. Not only can he mix Maths and Chess' and a tutorial on Euclid's it with the best of the impressionists but he is Algorithm. More talks are planned featuring also a very funny stand- up comedian as well. both guest 'outside' lecturers and departmental He should be really; since 1989 he has Alistair McGowan - the man of a million voices staff displaying their unique talents. All these worked extensively at all the major London lectures are open to anyone in College and we comedy venues including the Comedy Store, friends ready to entertain you. Just think about are taking suggestions for speakers. Red Rose Club and the Chuckle Club. Building some of the personalities in his repertoire, there But that's not all. We're also involved in on this success he had two successful shows at is the potential for the intellectual might of The activities ranging from chess to football to darts the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, firstly with 'Two Word's Terry Christian pitting wits against to a quiz and even a newsletter, Epsilon. Girls Wot Sing', then with Harry Hill in 'When Newsnight's Jeremy Paxman or Henry Kelly Unfortunately these events are open to just Harry Met Ally' which later became a four part coming face to face with Chris Eubank (now Maths Soc members but we're willing to take on series on Radio 4. Alistair can be caught once a there's a prospect). So, come along, watch and any teams in College! If you're interested in week on the Diana Luke show on GLR listen; this bloke is going to be big, huge even, more details, contact Sai Hong Lee, Maths 3. previewing the week's comedy in the capital, and this is possibly your last chance to see him Remember, 'Statistics, Money and Sex', not a bad idea if you're in the game yourself! before you won't see any change out of £10 at Thursday 17th February, Huxley room 340, He's popping into Da Vinci's Bar at Imperial some teeny London venue with 400,000 other lpm. College Union along with his voicebox full of people.

Silent Bladerunning New Music Next Monday's ICSF video projected double bill ICSF members. Membership costs just £3 and consists of the New Zealandish The Quiet Earth gets you in free to our full programme of video For Haldane (6pm) and the environmentally sound Silent double bills, gives the chance to borrow over Running (8pm). Both films are being shown in 3,000 books, videos and graphic novels from our As some of you may have noticed, the shelves Chem Eng LT1 and are free to members of library in the corner of Beit Quad and offers in the Jazz, Folk and Pop music recordings ICSF, Third World First, EATS and EnviroSoc reduced entry to our 35mm presentations, section of the Haldane Library are looking quite (who will be giving a brief talk before the film including your first film free. bare. Despite the efforts of last year's record and giving you the chance to join their societies) On Tuesday at 7pm in the Concert Hall we're buyer, Dave Goddard, who boosted the size of Silent Running is 'effects man' Douglas just thrilled to present Bladerunner: The the collection by 70 odd (and not so odd) titles, Trumbull's first attempt at direction. The story Director's Cut in glorious panavision. Far these are on loan virtually all the time. Acting as concerns three star arks containing the last plant superior to the original cinematic release, this this year's buyer I shall expand the collection, life from the now ravaged Earth. When the crew version features a darker ending and is more buying new titles with the £1,000 Union budget. are ordered to jettison the geodesic domes atmospheric without the embarrassingly Mickey I envisage a large portion of the titles to be holding their previous cargo and return to Earth, Spillane-style voiceovers. The powerful story new releases from the nine months since the last one of them rebels, kills the others and sets off concerns a special unit police officer, a bout of buying in July. In addition, since the into space with only three robot drones for Bladerunner, called in to hunt down real humans. Haldane sold off its vinyl collection at the end company. The film is very moving and Freedom As the plot unfolds, the Bladerunner begins to of last year, I will attempt to replace some of the Lowell is one of the most complex SF cinema questions his own humanity as he tracks the 'classic' titles with CDs. Cassettes will still be characters yet. steadily more human replicants until a kind of bought, but only in the ratio of one cassette for More strong characterisation features in The parity is achieved between himself and the every four CDs. Quiet Earth, the story of how a man tries to cope replicant leader after a nailbiting cat and mouse Suggestions are welcomed - the library is when he attempts suicide then wakes to find chase through a wrecked tenement. Brilliant representative of the tastes of the entire College. himself alone on an Earth seemingly devoid of performances, an intense script and Ridley Simply fill in a form at the Central Libraries all other life. The study of this relationship first Scott's stunning visual hand combine to make Issue Desk and watch out for lists of latest with his own self and later with two other this a true SF classic. purchases to be posted regularly in Felix or on survivors of 'the effect' is sharp and often Entry is £1.50 to ICSF members (member- the library notice board. uncomfortable. Entry to both films is free to ship £3, details above) and £2 to non-members. Sagar Das, Chem Eng 3 See Alistair McGowan next Friday evening in Da Vinci's diary 11th - 18th Feb STA TRAVEL Happy Hour 7.00pm Happy Hour 7.00pm COME AND Friday 11th Monday 14th Da Vinci's with pancakes being Da Vinci's Bar. 20% off all drinks. served all day. 20% off all drinks. Club Libido 9.00pm Fencing Club Meeting....l2.00pm Fencing Club Meeting....l2.00pm ICSF Presents: Union Lounge, Union Building. The ONLY worldwide Union Gym. All standards welcome. Union Gym. All standards welcome. Bladerunner Free entry. Groove on on until lam Chess Club 12.30pm ArtSoc Meeting 12.30pm (The Director's Cut) 7.00pm Table Tennis Room, Top Floor Union Dining Hall, Union Building. Union Concert Hall. ICSF members Thursday 17th student travel company Union Building. Regular Meeting. IC Fitness Club 5.30pm £1.50 (membership £3 including 1st Friday Prayers 1.00pm Regular meeting in Southside film free), non-members £2. French Society 12.00pm from from rtn o/w rto Southside Gym. Organised by Gym. Beginners aerobics. AudioSoc Event .730pm Weekly meeting in Union Gym Paris £44 HAVE A KISS Islamic Society. Dance Club 5.30pm Trip to the Cornflake Shop. Contact (2nd Floor Union Building). £66 Los Angeles £137 £257 Rag Meeting 1.10pm Union Dining Hall, Union Building. D Pollington EE3 for details. MathSoc Lecture 1.00pm Dusseldorf £52 £88 Mexico £179 £359 Ents Lounge, Union Building. Leonardo (Fine Arts) Caving Club Meeting 8.00pm Statistics, Money and Sex by Prof. Geneva £71 £135 Nairobi £239 £405 Special Valentines Kiss Wing Chun Kung Fu 4.30pm Society 6.00pm Regular meeting in Southside Upper A. Smith in Huxley Rm. 340. Union Gym. Beginners welcome. Civ Eng 101. Art classes for Lounge until closing time. Spanish Society 1.00pm Athens £96 £156 Rio £289 £479 everyone. £4 staff membership, £2 IC Fitness Club 5.30pm IC Radio Presents: Weekly in Southside Lounge. New York £109 £198 Bangkok £299 £499 Cocktail for Two! Regular meeting in Southside students. £2 per class (2 hrs). Back to Basics 9.00pm STOIC Lunchtime Gym. Step aerobics. ICSF Presents: With Rahal and Jamie every week. News Training 1.00pm Toronto £130 £229 Hong Kong £309 £510 Pop along to the Love Zone in DaVinci's Atmosphere 8.00pm The Quiet Earth 6.00pm Mountaineering Meeting....9.00pm Top floor of the Union Building. Union Ents Lounge for a night of Silent Running 8.00pm Regular meeting in Southside. Members free, non-members £2.50. London-New York-Sydney-Bangkok-DeM-London from £697 on Monday 14th Feb and get SERIOUSLY slushy funky fat beats from Huggy and the Chem Eng LT1, free to ICSF ICYHA Club 1.00pm Bears plus DJs. Admission £1 members (membership £3) and Wednesday 16th Regular meeting in Southside Upper For information on special student deals to these or worldwide destinations please (adv.), £2 (door), £1 (Ents card). Bar members of TWF, EATS and Lounge. extension 'til lam. EnviroSoc. Parachute Club 12.00pm SCC Exec Presents: STA Travel Happy Hour 8.00pm Chess Club 6.00pm Table Tennis Room. Top floor, ICU Cinema, 2nd Floor, Union Imperial College, Sheffield Building Da Vinci's Bar, Union Building. Brown and Clubs Committee Rms. Union Building. Building. Entry £1. London SW7 Mi 20% off all drinks. Bar 'til lam Valentines Cocktail Labour Club Meeting ....12.00pm IC Fitness Club 5.30pm IC Radio: Party 7.00pm Regular meeting in Southside Regular meeting in Southside In the Love Zone (aka Da Vinci's). SL/i S&M, It's Orgasmic 9.00pm Upper Lounge. All welcome. Gym. Intermediate aerobics. WHEREVER YOU'RE BOUND. WE'RE BOUND TO HAVE BEEN. STA TRA VEL Tune in to 999kH AM. Happy Hour 7.00pm Third World First Girls Basketball 6.00pm 20% off all drinks in Da Vinci's. Talk 1.00pm Meet at South Kensington Station Saturday 12th Volleyball Club 8.00pm Structural Adjustment: A Case or Fulham Cross School, Munster Kensington Leisure Centre, Study of Uganda by Ian Taylor of Road at 7pm. See Tuesday's entry. Edinburgh Festival Walmer Road. Men's training Oxfam. Room W2, under Beit Arch. Christian Union 6.00pm Fringe Auditions 2.00pm session. Regular meeting. War Games & Roleplaying Room 308, Huxley Building. All Senior Common Room (above old Club 1.00pm fab bunnies welcome. Union Bar). Contact Jim Kingston Tuesday 15th Senior Common Room, Union IC Choir Rehearsals 6.15pm (Physics 2) for more info. Building. Regular meeting. Weekly meeting in Room 342, BAR & RESTAURANT FilmSoc Presents: Yoga Society 12.15pm Hoverclub 1.00pm Mech Eng building. DrNo 12.30pm Southside Gym. New members Build a Hovercraft. Meet at Tenpin Bowling Club 6.15pm On Her Majesty's SS 3.15pm welcome. Regular meeting. Southside Garages near Southside Meet in Hollywood Bowl, EVERY SUNDAY NIGHT Live and Let Die 6.40pm CathSoc Mass 12.00pm Shop or E-Mail j.bell@ee for more Tottenham Hale (Victoria line). Living Daylights 9.30pm Sir Leon Bagrit Centre, Level 1, info. Every week. All welcome. FilmSoc Presents: ICU Cinema, 2nd Floor Union Mech Eng. Followed by lunch. IC Fitness Club 1.15pm Dragon: 7.00pm until 10.30pm Building. All seats £1.20 plus 20p Ski Club Meeting 12.30pm Southside Gym. Intermediate/ The Bruce Lee Story 7.00pm annual membership. Weekly in Soufhside Upper Lounge. Beginners aerobics. See FilmSoc's Saturday entry for Saturday Sports Sailing Club Meeting 12.30pm Wing Chun Kung Fu 1.30pm details. Special 1.30pm Weekly in Southside Upper Lounge. Union Gym. Beginners welcome. Time Out/K Cider ALL YOU CAN EAT Da Vinci's for Carlsberg at £1 per Yacht Club 12.30pm Leonardo (Fine Arts) Student Quiz 7.00pm pint and classic rugby and football Meeting in room 101, Civ Eng. Society 2.00pm Chance to get into the finals and results. Liberal Democrat Weekly art classes in Civ Eng 101. win the trip of a lifetime. Da Society Meeting 1.00pm £4 staff membership, £2 students. Vinci's. Free nibbles for each £5.00 UNION GENERAL MEETING Sunday 13th Weekly in Southside Upper Lounge. £2 per class (2 hrs). team. Ents Meeting 1.00pm Tenpin Bowling Club 2.15pm Happy Hour 7.00pm Barbequed Spare Ribs to be held on Sunday Service 1030am Ents/Rag Office above Traditional Meet in Aero Eng foyer for a trip Da Vinci's, Union Building. Gently cooked in a tangy hickory smoked barbeque sauce Friday February 25th West London Chaplaincy presents Union Bar. Regular Meeting. to Charrington Bowl, Tolworth. Cocktail night with wide selection interdenominational worship and Boardsailing Meeting 1.00pm Transport is provided. at low prices. or (fortnight today) teaching. Regular meeting. Southside Upper Lounge. Info OSC Football Tournament: IC Jazz Big Band Shell-On Fresh Water Prawns War Games & Roleplaying from J. Mayhew, Mech Eng. Afro Carib vs Sri Lankan—3.00pm Meeting .7.00pm Union Ents Lounge Club 1.00pm Circus Skills 5.00pm Sri Lankan vs Singapore 3.45pm Rehearsals in Table Tennis Room, Table Tennis Room, Union Union Lounge. Regular meeting. Singapore vs Afro Carib..4.15pm Union Building. Regular meeting. Served with a garlic mayonnaise dip Building. Regular meeting. IC Fitness Club 5.30pm Chelsea Sports Centre's outdoor Dance Club ...7.00pm Deadline for Motions: IC Fitness Club 2.00pm Regular meeting in Southside football court on Sydney Street. Beginners Class in the Junior Gym. Advanced aerobics. DON'T MISS THIS Friday 18th Regular meeting in Southside Gym. Flamenco Dancing 6.00pm Common Room, Sherfield Step and intermediate aerobics. Dance Club 6.00pm Regular meeting in Union Lounge. Building. Regular Meeting. (next Friday) FilmSoc Presents: Beginners class in the Junior For more info, contact Pablo on STOIC: 'Into the Night' (Motions to be handed into the Union Office, 6pm) Sleepless in Seattle 8.00pm Common Room. Regular Meeting. 4999. Organised by the Spanish Soc. Training 7.00pm GREAT VALUE!! Girls Basketball 6.00pm 071-228 9824 See FilmSoc's entry on Saturday Chess Club 6.00pm Top floor, Union Building. 245 LAVENDER HILL - LONDON SW11 1JW for details. Meet at Southside. Contact Julie on Regular meeting in Brown and Members free, non-members ext 3681 or 071 584 0029, Rm 25. Clubs Committee Rooms. £2.50. 14 Reviews

Lush Tunes, Bland Interiors

After the exposed nipples of the Barbican's Bill What really matter of course are Strauss's Brandt/Alphonse Mucha exhibition posters, it wonderfully lush and tuneful music and the must have come as something of a surprise to characters of Hofmannsthal's giddy plot, and the ENO marketing department to learn that here too there are pros and cons. John their Rosenkavalier poster had fallen victim to Tomlinson relishes the part of the oleaginous London Transport's blue pencil. No doubt the Ochs, the bawdy Baron who must be thwarted latest London Underground Charter pledges to before his intended bride, the young heiress protect its passengers - or rather, customers - Sophie, can find true love with the eponymous from the sleaze and depravity of the un-basic Count Octavian. Tomlinson's voice is stretched street-level world. To see the original, benippled by the lowest notes of the Baron's music and he version of the poster, you'll have to go to the sometimes adopts a parlando-style, delivery in Coliseum in St Martin's Lane. rapid passages, but the lyrical music is However, after careful scrutiny of Jonathan gracefully delivered. And from Act II onwards, Miller's actual production, your critic is able to his portrayal is genuinely funny: a bandy-legged, report that this is one ENO staging to which amiable (but thick) Don Giovanni. The silvery- even the most prudish of London Transport voiced Rosemary Joshua is very attractive as officials could safely take his granny. Act I can Sophie, particularly in the opening love-duet of The oleaginous Baron Ochs (John Tomlinson) be summed up in one word: bland. (Not an Act II - surely one of the most ravishing pieces and Annina (Claire Powell). adjective often applied to the products of this of music ever written. Elsewhere she tends to house.) The set is straight from the National become submerged and indeed muddled and much characterful wind-playing, such as the indistinct ensemble singing was a problem Trust School of Interior Design, the decor vulgar squawks that accompanied the entrance throughout the evening. Minor roles too were on dominated by what looks like the hybrid of Octavian disguised as eegorblimey servant- the whole underprojected. offspring of a Doric column and a dustbin. Act girl Mariandel. II, with its elegant, windowed corridor, looked It certainly wasn't all the fault of the Patrick Wood much better. But after Act III, in which the plot orchestra under Yakov Kreizberg. It's no bad In rep at the Coliseum, St Martin's Lane WC2N. allows the designer's imagination freer reign, thing, in this sometimes overpoweringly rich (071) 836 3161. Tube: Leicester Square. Until one was left wondering what Stefanos Lazaridis music, to opt for a lean sound and the consis- March 16th. Starts 6.30pm. might have done, had he not been lured away to tently beautiful, flowing phrases were a design Duran Duran's current tour. highlight of the performance. And there was

ICU Ents presents A LI STAIR

atmosphere 0 mcgowan X star of Spitting Image, ^ Edinburgh Festival, 0^ & Acclaimed Impressionist *S & support

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Fri 18th Feb Disco ti| 2am, Doors 9pm Bar 'til lam Reviews 15

Accustomed to Gormenghast Imagine a castle vast as mountains, its ancient Her Face towers reaching high above the clouds, its cancerous roots buried deep in the wounds of the Hilarious, raucous, crude and highly enjoyable. world. Within, a tangled knot of rough-hewn The play is set in Scotland and centres around corridors carry the kingdom's blood to every the visit of an American student, Erin, to the part of the ruined castle, from the Earl of house of two down-and-out Scottish lasses, Groan's library to Swelter's hellish kitchen. The Basher and Maxy. Welcome, she is not. As she blood of the kingdom is bittersweet and steeped tries to fit in, you don't know who to feel sorry in webs of ritual. It is a world to itself and the for but end up laughing at all of them. stench of decay hangs heavy in the air. It soon transpires that Erin is a lesbian and Gormenghast. the rest of the play concerns her seduction of The world of Gormenghast is the creation of the, hereto, very straight, Basher and Maxy's Mervyn Peake, whose classic trilogy of novels feelings of loss of her best friend. tells the story of Titus, the 77th Earl of Groan The romance that follows is sweet and funny, and reluctant Master of Gormenghast (although until Erin's holiday ends. Heart breaking and he isn't actually born until the end of the first cruel, this play, with all its humour, has such a book). In bringing Peake's sprawling fantasy to sad ending. A play that proves that all a woman the stage director David Glass and writer John really needs is a good shag to sort her out. We Constable have taken on a mammoth task - and highly recommend it. succeeded brilliantly. Rach and Jane This acclaimed adaptation takes the first two Drill Hall, 16 Chenies St, WC1. 071 637 8270. parts of the trilogy and distills the essence of Tube: Goodge St. Until 19th February. Peake's rich and evocative style into two hours Barquentine, Master of Ritual and undisputed of enthralling physical theatre. Every moment Gurning Champion of Gormenghast provides a new delight for the audience: challenging and inventive stage effects, The Lyric is perhaps not the best venue for a impressive performances from a strong cast and play of this type, since the theatre gives an lifi stunning music which fits the action perfectly. impression of distance between the stage and the I111S1 Glass makes intelligent use of simple props audience. Otherwise, Gormenghast is an and creative stage design to transport us into a immensely enjoyable play - even if you haven't Soft Vengeance strange and fascinating world, where madness read the books. Go see it! and death lurk in the shadows. The cast is more Joe Graeae (Grey-Eye), Britain's most distinguished than equal to his vision, combining physical Lyric Hammersmith, King Street W6. 081 741 theatre company of disabled people, sets their virtuosity with a sure grasp of character. Ewen 2311. Tube: Hammersmith. Tickets from £7.50. latest play in Maputo, Mozambique. On 7th Bremner takes over the role of Titus, doing a Until 19th February. April 1988, Albie Sachs, exiled South African solid job of protraying the reluctant heir. Civil Rights lawyer and prominent member of the African National Congress (ANC) opened his car door to begin a trip to the beach for a leisurely jog. A massive explosion destroyed Sachs's right arm, embedding shrapnel in his body and causing him to lose the sight in one eye. That's how his new battle starts, a fight to overhaul his body and mind. Angels in America As Sachs heals physically, he struggles mentally to adjust to his injuries and disabilities Part One: Millennium Approaches and renews his political battle. His altered ego questions his beliefs and ideas, making his fight In short: Fiery Fast and Dynamic. New York's hallucinates. Certain scenes, really bring home even more difficult. Necessity to learn to do pace and aggression is captured using loud the reality of this disease, the difficulties facing things from scratch makes him rephrase music, frequent set changes and scenes acted in homosexuals, their families and their relation- Descartes' famous statement to 'Joke, therefore tandem. I found this confusing at the start but ships. The frailty of human relationships and the I am', or even 'Shit, therefore I am'. At the end soon got caught up in the excitement. pain involved when we fail those we love are it was declaration of faith in the power of the Kushner's play is about Mormons, Ray Cohn well illustrated. spirit that won and which made him, seven and AIDS. Cohn is the ruthless right wing All this is heavy stuff, packed with punches months after the bomb went off, reach the beach extremist who worked for the McCarthy witch but the play's wit and humour makes it easy to and continues his interrupted jog. hunt to root out communism in America. For take it all on board. The end is dramatic. Graeae brings special intelligence, authen- Cohn to be successful in his 'work' it is I was fascinated and look forward to seeing ticity and power to the story and makes Soft imperative that he hides his homosexuality. the second part of this epic, Perestroika. Vengeance an unusual play worth seeing. Bitter yet ruthless his character is to be pitied. Ailish Elena (In fact, his sexual orientation prevented him Cottesloe Theatre of the Royal National Theatre, Battersea Arts Centre, 176 Lavender Hill, running for the Senate.) Southbank, SE1. 071 633 0880. Tube: Waterloo. SW11. 071 223 2223. Train: Clapham junction AIDS touches almost all the characters. One Until 5th March. BR. Cones £5. Until 13th February. exception is Harper, a junky housewife who

A Doll's House at the New End Theatre is reviewed next week BASICS PIZZERIA Open: Monday - Friday 1:45 a.m. - 10:30 p.m.

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Southside Saturday & Sunday overlooking 11:45 a.m. - 2:30 p.m.

Princes Gardens (last orders 1:45 pm) 5:30 p.m. - 10:30 p.m.

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Buy 9" Pizza - Save 20p Buy 12" Pizza - Save 40p [two beers] New Pot Meals: Fishermans Pie Chicken & Broccoli Bake Broccoli & Cream Cheese Bake Reviews 17

The Three Musketeers Starring: Charlie Sheen, Kiefer Sutherland Director: Stephen Herek

Nice concept - shame about the movie! That really sums up the latest would-be blockbuster from the Walt Disney stable - a fairly straight adaptation of the classic novel by Alexandre Dumas. With such a basis you'd think it is difficult to go far wrong, but director Stephen Herek handles the film with a sloppy touch. Not too surprising considering his other films include Critters and ...Mom, the Babysitter's enough. The young hero, D'Artagnan played by are in the original novel, why change them? Dead. Chris (Scent of a Woman) O'Donnell is weak Joe Roth said: "We struggled to finally do it If there is a major fault, it is that the film and hardly worth a mention. right on screen" and I couldn't agree with him really tries too hard to be another Robin Hood: If anyone stands out at all it's Oliver Piatt as more, though I don't think he meant it quite the Prince of Thieves. It gets blase to the extent that the fat Porthos, who's been in the background of way I took it. There really isn't enough humour purely profit expectant sequels do. In fact you loads of good films for far too long and is now and not enough suspense to make up for it. The can almost imagine producer Joe Roth saying to coming to the fore. He gets all the good one- action scenes are mild at best and yes, you've his team: "Well it's bound to be great anyway, liners and classic scenes. Ironically, though, his guessed it, the funniest bits are all in the trailer. so we'll take it easy on the filming, OK." character comes across closer to that of the Come back Dogtanian, all is forgiven. The main actors aren't as strong as you'd book's suave Aramus than the lumbering Bonnie (& Clyde) hope, with Kiefer Sutherland's Athos being too Porthos, which does beg the question, if the On general release today moody and Charlie Sheen's Aramus not heroic story and characterisations are as good as they

Win The Prize of Your In The Name Of The Father Dreams! Starring: Daniel Day-Lewis, Emma Thompson Gerry and his father's struggles in prison. At Director: Jim Sheriden first they face hostility from the other prisoners, ...provided your nights are filled with a but through constantly proclaiming their haunting desire to own the soundtrack for As the lights went down, I relished the panning I innocence they gain their fellow inmates' The Three Musketeers, that is. The good was going to give In The Name Of The Father. respect. Meanwhile, a young lawyer called people at A&M records have given us a Daniel Day-Lewis, public school educated, RSC Gareth Peirce (Thompson) starts to expose the copy of this small but perfectly formed trained and under the sad delusion that he's inconsistencies in the prosecutor's case. musical extravaganza, and it is our duty - Irish, couldn't possibly do justice to the In The Name Of The Father succeeds both as nay, our pleasure - to run a competition so Guildford Four story. Particularly when his a critique of mob justice and a touching portrait you can win it. The soundtrack features the partner in pretension was Emma Thompson, the of a sometimes difficult father-son relationship. recent 'hit single' by those purveyors of most detested luvvie of her generation. An ultra- It avoids the sloppiness and over-simplification fine musical taste, Messrs Sting, Bryan pretentious score by pop poseur Bono seemed to one expects in a movie so obviously pitched at Adams, and Rod Stewart (but don't let that confirm my worst fears. But such is the power of an American market. Day-Lewis and Thompson put you off). the story and the supporting acting that The manage to control their innate smarminess, but In order to win this highly desirable Name Of The Father overcomes these terrible the film belongs to Pete Postlethwaite, whose CD, simply cast your eyes up the page to obstacles and succeeds as a genuinely moving quiet, understated portrayal of Guiseppe Conlon the Three Musketeers review and ponder film. blows the posturing 'method' of the stars out of the photo contained therein. The lack of In 1974, the Guildford Four were beaten into the water. Special mention also for Britta Smith caption is not a sad reflection of the confessing to the horrific pub bombings in as Annie Macguire, whose quiet dignity in the declining standards of the Felix Cinema Ed, which five people died and 75 were seriously face of such odds is one of the film's most but instead provides you with the chance to injured. Under pressure to find the bombers, the moving aspects. flex your creative muscle, and win the police arrest a young immigrant from Belfast, Although a 'feel-good' movie at heart, there soundtrack. Scribble down a caption for Gerry Conlon, and his friends Paul Hill, Paddy are enough hard lessons and even harder the photo (no more than fifteen words, Armstrong and Carol Richardson. They also disappointments to make even the most cynical please) along with your name and dept and arrest the whole of Conlon's family in England, think twice before condemning anyone without get it to the Felix Office by next Friday. the McGuires, on conspiracy to murder charges, looking at the evidence. For this alone In The The most original and witty caption wins, as well as Gerry's father Guiseppe. They are all Name Of The Father deserves to be seen. the final decision being left in the convicted, despite the tenuous evidence, and Tony eminently capable hands of the Editor. No sentenced to life. The rest of the film focuses on On general release today Felix-type people need apply (so there!).

Next Week: Reviews of Schindler's List and A Bronx Tale 18 Reviews

There's a fallowness in the air, even the 12"s Tori Amos come packaged in clinical white sleeves, as if they are afraid to own themselves. I'm still Under The Pink recovering from a nightful of Madder Rose, a band who have touched me like a rainy dusk at This is the story of a little girl who got lost in the the edge of the world. And yet still I have to lay sky. She liked to sit and watch the stars, in all before you all the fruits from the loins of what is their perpetual, frozen grandeur. One night she sometimes laughingly referred to as 'the Biz'. forgot to look away; forgot the teeming, I've always hated 'Take the Weather With overripe, gloriously human world around her You' but there again I'm not reviewing and was borne up by the music of the spheres to Crowded House's new single, 'Locked Out', became a star. And of course, stars take no that pleasure goes to Vik. "These Antipodeans notice of those who stare up in rapt wonder... specialise in well-crafted, honest pop songs. The first thing you notice is the sense of 'Locked Out' is another lively example, but distance; Tori no longer needs an audience, throws in some '80s indie guitar to create an she'd carry on making celestial music whether night; tasted the melancholy strings of 'Pretty unorthodox Smiths-meets-Squeeze sound." we listened or not. Epics like 'Yes, Anastasia' Good Year', became enveloped by the numbed Sleeper, on the other hand, are one of the take your breath away, but give nothing back. heartache of 'Past the Mission', the clattering dubious recipients of the New Wave of the New We miss the playfulness which rescued 'Little menace of 'Waitress'. For a moment I danced Wave millstone. A grinning Mr Happy takes to Earthquakes' from mordant angst. For all their amongst the stars and understood; then back to the stage and in his best voice projects on their beauty these songs seem unfinished, an empty earth, with a bump. There were too many stars, 'Swallow' EP..."Despite the fact that the Pixies room housing a collection of aborted ideas. and not enough sky. (7) are sadly missed, there is no need for such a And yet...I listened again, in the lees of the Joe blatant rip-off. I even had to check the sleeve to make sure I hadn't put 'Doolittle' on." PI usuuu

in this vein while being more instrumental. Mark Lanegan There is an impressive list of of guests playing in the background. Kurt Cobain Whiskey for the Holy Ghoststrummed on the first album. This time drumming duties are shared by Tad's Tad Mark Lanegan is the singer with the Screaming Doyle, Mudhoney's Dan Peters and Dinosaur Trees, one of the longest lived and most Jr's J Mascis. underrated bands on the Seattle label, Sub Pop. The style of the songs veers from Nick Cave Their trademark is a much imitated wall of to Neil Young and back again. The standout guitar, probably best illustrated on their last track is 'Carnival', where Mark ponders the album, 'Sweet Oblivion'. But their secret was similarity between his life on the road and the Mark's nicotine stained voice. Telling tales of freakshows that used to visit his childhood town. loves lost and sorrow drowned. Alcohol, As for the rest, the song titles say it all - And above, we see Sleeper, fresh faced, cigarettes and other drugs have played a large 'Kingdom of Rain', 'Dead on You', 'Beggars pouting and incarcerated in leather. The future's part in his life, alternately threatening his career Blues' and so on - all tales of ghosts from the so bright... and inspiring it. past, regret and guilt. Like Nick Cave, he can If only the packaging on Rose Chronicle's His first solo album, 'The Winding Sheet', make it seem so rivetting and you find yourself amazonianly named 'Dead And Gone To took the press by surprise. The sparseness of the absorbed in his tales of woe. If you can stomach Heaven (awaiting eternity)' were a portent of music allowed his vocals to lead rather than it then this is the record for you. (9) what lay inside. Swiftly did Owain grasp the compete with the guitars. 'Whiskey' continues Ridley Dash lovely object that arrived one day. Now he can only scrawl: "Can you chart the course of the soul with the voice of the beautiful but earthy All about Eve? Only the last track, nine minutes of thunderstorms, speeding cars and aboriginal pipes, lends gravitas to the question. Still, promising." Magnapop Things start to liven up and this continues for Camille is a-knocking on my door, ready to most of the album, with 'Piece Of Cake', 'Free rattle off a hit or two, well, maybe. With a skip Hot Boxing Mud' and 'Idiot Song' being the best. and a hop enter the Loop Gurus clutching a There are exceptions, though, one of the copy of 'Sus-san-tics'. "They cherish dreams of The blurb that came with this album calls it most obvious being the seventh track, 'Leo', a musical Utopia. Revolving around the antics of 'truly firesome', which isn't altogether true. It which starts off with the producer playing with avant-garde singer Sussan Derhim, they bring starts off with a song called 'Slowly, Slowly', the level and speed of the recording. It's together sounds from all over the globe." also their current single. The title describes it pretentious, stupid and the worst on the album. Ho humm. I depart leaving the last two lines rather well which doesn't bode well for the rest All in all, if you can cope with the songs for that most warm hearted bird, Mr Penguin on of the album. However, once you get to the third sounding pretty similar, it is a fairly good first a certain Joe Roberts: "Promising in its track, 'Lay It Down', the producer Bob Mould album. If you can't, wait for 'Lay It Down' on soulfulness but ends up a bit weak. Look out for comes into effect (although it sounds more like single, 'cos it's smart! (5) the next one." I can only bow gently, navel the Breeders than Hiisker Dii). Timsi glaze and remain, happy to be, Tintin. ...you best pray that I bleed real soon, how's that one for you... Feature 19 Off the Blocks for Tanzania When David Knight sets out amongst the hardy runners in this year's London Marathon he'll be thinking of more than his own health and a cold bath.

I was born in Nsam nearby a missionary hospital state-sponsored socialism, which had the support Programmes (SAPs) have caused much in Kampala, the capital of Uganda. When I tell of many western academics, and produced great economic turmoil in the last decade, and the people this, it is often met with some interest improvements in the health and education health system has certainly suffered. Many because many people who are born overseas systems in the poorer parts of his country. people view these SAPs as a form of have had interesting childhoods. However, my Despite the artificial borders created by reconciliation. By our standards health care is father's work caused us to leave poorly funded. A general practice of Uganda in 1969 when I was just three 12,000 people has, in this country, a months old, so these names don't mean budget of £2million. This is same budget much to me. My parents met and that the whole of the Tabora region of married while they were both working central Tanzania has with a population of there so our house is full of images and 2 million. carvings from East Africa and these jtBk The charity HPA works closely with have always reminded me that I have <$8lS9 rural communities to provide facilities for some latent desire to return to that part primary health case. Rather than being of the world. 1 cannot justify saying directed from outside, the projects are that I am returning to my roots, but tiiis initiated by the local people and HPA phrase does partially explain why ! then provides the resources to realise their need to go back. plans. I will be working with about I have never liked the idea ol twenty other volunteers in the Tabora travelling as a tourist on safari and so region of central Tanzania, helping to over the years I have been on the build various projects. The work will be lookout for a more solid reason to go ' supervised by engineers from Britain and to East Africa. While I was studying : Tanzania and also the local craftsmen. for my MSc at Imperial College I One reason for us travelling out is to found one, hidden in a crack in the provide labour because the local people paving-stone jigsaw of cannot work full time on the projects. advertisements in the Careers I Another is that it is a gesture of goodwill Guardian. One phone call, and to the community. The work will also selection weekend later, 1 found myself provide a unique opportunity to learn due to leave for Tanzania in May 1994, L about African life at grass roots level. to work for the charity Health Projects Each volunteer has to contribute £2,450 Abroad (HPA). to the project costs and to help me reach my target I have organised a competition The United Republic of Tanzania W based on the London Marathon, which I will run was formed a few years after independence was Europeans in the 19th century (just look at all in April. I would also be very grateful for any gained in 1961, before which time it was a those straight lines on the map), he managed to straight donations. British protectorate. The ever-popular president engender a cohesive national identity. This was Dr Julius Nyerera, who held power until his subdued the inter-tribal rivalry which has One returned volunteer explained to me that retirement in 1985. Previously he had studied at destroyed many other African countries and is a while he was there he learnt to walk slowly. I Edinburgh and was in fact Tanzania's first remarkable achievement. Debt crises and the hope that I will know what he meant when I university graduate. He led a programme of remedial IMF Structural Adjustment return. Tick-a-Place' Marathon Competition Win £100 worth of vouchers with a clean conscience...

In cooperation with Health Projects Abroad, David Knight is giving you the opportunity to win a whole handful of vouchers for various goodies! The task? As mentioned above he will be running in this years London Marathon. The competition is to guess his finishing position! Easy? Well there could be up to 30,000 runners so there is plenty of choice. The nearest guess will receive £100 worth of vouchers for various high street shops. To enter each guess must be accompanied by a £1 donation which will go to the charity Health Projects Abroad. So you can't lose!!! (Of course larger donations will be gratefully received).

p Your Name

Your Address

David Knight Hand your completed form into the Union Office together with a minimum of £1 c/o Health Projects Abroad donation or send the form and a cheque (made payable to Health Projects Abroad) HMS President (1918) to the address given on the right. Victoria Embankment All entries must be received by April 11th. The winner will be contacted on April 21st. London EC4Y 0HJ In the event of a tie, a draw will determine the winner.

i J 20 Feature A Terrible Beauty is Born So to business. We've got work to do. This The world is full of year's Phoenix will be organised under five chapter headings which will ostensibly follow beautiful things and the life of a Phoenix. Starting with birth and growth, then maturity, onto the decline of years riddled with terrible and penultimately to death. Yet the pedigree of the Phoenix is that it is reborn from the flames of things and the Phoenix its death to new life. And so we finish with the last chapter heading, rebirth. The idea is that is a thing of terrible contributors can work around this skeleton plan and together we can build a perfect, well beauty. Once a year our rounded beast that will be the envy of the world. In previous years the predominance of work own Phoenix rises from has been poetry and short pieces of prose but the stage is open for your choice. Photographs, the white hot flames of drawings, graphics, play scripts, whatever, will be welcome. We especially need artists to design test tubes, superstrings frontispieces, covers and chapter headings. We don't really want long stories, though, but come and the intertwined and talk to us if you are feeling Tolstoic. The twin-headed editorship this year consists strands of deoxyribo- of Owain Bennallack and Jon Jordan. Please come over to the Felix Office and rattle our nucleic acid which cages, discuss schemes and plan marvellous ma azines. We are usually resident during make up our Imperial ...I refer to the annual art magazine of Imperial lunchtimes, so don't delay. There is also a College of Science, Technology and Medicine. pigeonhole in Felix for you to drop things into living. Together we can With CP. Snow's ghost still weeping quietly and Owain can be reached on email: into his ale, the time has come for scientists, [email protected]. The deadline for work will be fly, laugh, love, dance engineers and doctors to stand up tall and think the end of this term and the proposed publi- big. For Phoenix is an opportunity for us all to cation date will be early in the summer. and live again... advance over the divide of Science and Art. We shall see you soon. Valentines Cards from ICU Bookstore are...

liyPY I II arty cards available too. Don't forget our extensive range of ALLlWrWT cute soft toys! iCV IMPERIAL COLLEGE UNION BOOKSTORE Union 21 Nominations, Campaigns, Elections ...

Monday 14th February. Valentine's Day and the Monday 14th February to when they come On the following Monday and Tuesday, 14th start of the '94 Imperial College Union down, 6pm, Friday 25th February to get both and 15th March, voting takes place across Sabbatical Elections. The posts on offer are: your proposer and twenty seconders to sign the College, St Mary's and Silwood Park. Voting President, Deputy President (Finance & papers. Remember no 'Mickey Mouse' or 'B. stations record your secret voting slip in ballot Services), Deputy President (Clubs & Societies) Clinton'; your proposers and seconder have to boxes. Voting closes on the evening of the 15th. and Felix Editor & Print Unit Manager. be fully registered students of Imperial College. All the votes are then counted. Later that night So how do you go about being elected? After the papers come down, all proposed the winners are announced. The first thing to do is to get nominated. You and fully seconded candidates start their For anyone thinking of standing, make sure need someone to propose you for the post. This campaigns using posters, flyers, manifestoes, you talk to the current holder of the post to get means that they think you are the right person speeches...the candidates must convince you that an idea of what the job entails and the responsi- for the job and you have the right personal and they are worthy of your vote. bilities that go with it. You need also to talk to professional qualities. Twenty people have to In the second week of the campaign, there are Andy Wensley (President) as he is the returning second you to show that other people support the hustings. The hustings are where you get to officer for the elections. He will talk you you and the views of your proposer. hear the candidates and their proposers speak through the rules and procedures that control our The nomination is recorded on the election and, more importantly, where you get to elections. You need to know these as you may papers which are displayed opposite the Union question them on any issue to do with the be disqualified if you break these rules. Office, 1st floor, Union Building, Beit Quad. campaign. The dates, locations and times are Remember the dates and get ready to vote. You have from when the papers go up, 9am, advertised well in advance. Hull, Hell and Hall Students and If you are a first year undergraduate, chances are been put into 'study bedrooms' in Southside, you'll be one of the quarter of all IC students Weeks and Garden. The decision to fit the Benefits living in a hall of residence. In my opinion the boards was made last year, in an attempt to 'hall experience' is one you grow to love or protect the walls from students in general and Overseas students with a restriction on 'recourse loath, depending to some extent on whether you blu-tac stains in particular. Next year the notice to public finds' cannot claim the following and your hall are compatible. boards will be the only space where posters will benefits: Income Support, Family Credit, I remember, prior to arriving here from the be permitted. This was debated at length by the Housing (Rent) Benefit, Homelessness primitive northern reaches of Hull two years hall reps, and unearthed a lot of student disquiet. Accommodation. If any of the above are ago, reading in the College accommodation Every Easter, hall residents panic over claimed by a student, the right to stay in Britain literature that I would be 'guaranteed a top of whether storage space will be available, this is will be jeopardised. the range, single room with at least some mod largely because no-one is quite sure of the Any benefit not included in the above 'public cons (bed, door, windows etc.) for about £50 a procedure for finding out. I have been promised funds' list can be claimed without affecting the week.' Allowing for inflation, it makes IC that space will be available, providing residents right to stay. This includes Child Benefit, One accommodation some of the most expensive in go and see their housekeeper and add their Parent Benefit, Council Tax Benefit, the country and indeed in London. names to the list now. Southside and Linstead Unemployment Benefit, Sickness Benefit, Now, as the ICU Accommodation Officer, I will be used for external conference letting, over Disability Living Allowance. Students can claim am concerned with trying to get value for money the vacation but Evelyn Gardens won't. So if if eligible, eg. child benefit if they have a child. for the residents. The quality of facilities varies you need to stay in London over Easter and only Students cannot normally claim Council Tax tremendously from one hall to another and have a 34 week let, go to the Accommodation Benefit, but currently a non-student partner can encompasses a great many factors; from the Office, 15 Princes Gardens, again now, and they claim as it is not a 'public fund'. From 1st April structural health of the building to the number of will try to accommodate you. 1994, Council Tax Benefit will become a students per cooker hob. I sit on various College committees discuss- 'public fund'. This means partners of students A lot of concerns can't be addressed ing future strategies (as yet confidential) for the with a restriction on public funds cannot claim overnight. However discussing them now, might running of student residences. Some issues that Council Tax Benefit from 1st April 1994 as it mean in a couple of years time, (everything have recently been resurrected are common will affect the right to remain in Britain. costs money!) something can be done. The rooms and the Accommodation Booklet which is Students may be able to claim urgent case accommodation committee establishes a given to all first years. The booklet is currently payment if funds from abroad are temporarily network of hall contacts, so ICU can keep more under review by the College and will hopefully disrupted. Obtain advice before making a claim. informed and liaise more effectively with incorporate some descriptions of halls by the Different rules apply to home students, EEC College staff. Hall Representatives. students, refugees and if the partner is settled in Each hall 'elects' a housing representative, Potential common rooms (in both Clayponds Britain. If in doubt, advice should be sought. who attends accommodation meetings. This and Willis-Jackson/Holbein) have been given a Further advice from the Union Adviser, gives them the opportunity to sort out routine good airing and we are currently awaiting Minever Kavlak, or Citizens Advice Bureau. hall problems by discussing them with residence decisions from the College. staff and gives the chance for two-way Finally, if you don't know who your Hall Do You Need Financial Help? communication. The residence staff encourage Rep is, find out from a Subwarden or me, and 'Access funds are available for home students. the opportunity for our (constructive) comments. then make sure you go and harass them with Application forms from the College Fees For instance as a result: some halls now have your comments and complaints. Office, room 334, Sherfield Building. Forms more microwaves and Southside laundry is open Alternatively, do not hesitate to contact me if must be returned by 25th February. longer. We can also discover what 'invisible' you want to make your opinion known about People who do not qualify for access funds action is been taken on our behalf and some of any accommodation matters, either through my (eg. overseas students) can apply for a the logistics behind particular decisions. pigeonhole in the Union Office, Dave Goddard hardship fund. Deadline is 14th February. See The committee also provides a source of in the Union Office (ext 03502) or in Falmouth- tutor because you must be nominated for it. student opinion and debate on various issues; Keogh hall in the evening (ext 94 722). Further details can be obtained from Tony such as the huge notice boards which have so far Cullen, room 335, Sherfield Building. The Union Adviser can be phoned on ext 3507 22 Opinion

Answers To Last Editorial Week's Crossword I see cream eggs are back in the shops again. Was it Play School that used to show that sort Every Easter they make a comeback with their of thing? There used to be a two or three minute nana a a 'How Do You Eat Yours?' advertising cam- clip of how something was made in a factory. HDDDDDDDD DD A N K paign. How many different ways are there to eat The best bit if you ask me! And why did they ODD D take Play School off, only to replace it with Play an egg-shaped lump of chocolate with some odd DDDDDDDD ODD e E R sticky goo inside it? Answers on a postcard to.... Bus or something. Play School was much better. D D D D There is only person I know who eats them At least they are still showing Sesame Street! R 0 N any different to anyone else and he eats them But going back to those wonders of the DDDD DDDDD a p upside down. I don't mean that he turns the egg modern world - cream eggs. Does anyone else K i D the other way up; he actually turns himself the besides me try to get the wrapper off in one ODDODDD DDDD other way up. He refuses to eat them any other piece without ripping it? Not an easy task, I can no on way. Strange man!! tell you. It's a bit like trying to take the lid off a ODDDDODD iODIfl M One thing that has always puzzled me about yoghurt pot without tearing it or peeling an D D D D D D cream eggs is how do they get the yellow orange in one go. It's silly how these things uDDDDD uDDDDD D E become almost an obsession. Why? It's not as if coloured bit of goo inside the white bit of goo? D D DO D anything depended on it. But I'll do it every It's a bit like how they get toothpaste to come QDDDD uDDDDDD 0| T time. out of a tube in stripes. One of life's great DO ODD D mysteries, I suppose.

Credits CAREERS INFORMATION

Typesetter: News: Puzzles: Cinema: Milkround: Details of interviews are put up on Rose Atkins Mike Ingram Sphinx Joe McFadden the noticeboard outside the Careers Office a few Lynn Bravey days before the interview date. Two companies Printer: Joe McFadden Theatre: Opera: have joined the Milkround: Ford and Maunsell. Andy Thompson Shaun Joynson Rekha Nayak Patrick Wood Summer Vacation Training Opportunities are available on the new database in the Careers Business Manager: Photography: Features: Office. Apply to UROP for research opportunities. Simon Govier Ivan Chan Owain Bennallack Collators Last Week: 'Test Practice - Preparing For Psychometric Diana Harrison Mike Ingram Joe McFadden Tests' is a short course for all on Wednesday Advertising Manager: Mike Chamberlain David Knight Steve Newhouse 16th February in Huxley 344 from 2pm-4pm. Steve Newhouse Donna and Penguin Jon Jordan Sign up in the Careers Office. Cartoons: Glyph Owain Bennallack For further information come to the Careers Layout & Proofing: Nigel Reyes Mike Ingram Office, Room 310 Sherfield, open 10am-5.15pm Monday to Friday. A Duty Careers Adviser is Kin Wei Lee Michael Ingram Music: available for quick queries from lpm-2pm daily. Simon Shaw Phill Henry (Cover) Jon Jordan

Lent '94 No Parking SMALL ADS For the week beginning 14th February Lunch Time Series there will be no parking along Free Rugby at Twickenham. If you fancy Prince Consort Road. seeing any rugby matches at Twickenham for 15 Feb What are we looking for? Any bikes chained to railings along the free then why not work as a car park attendant, Dr Tom Weil, Computing Services, IC road will be removed. get paid and see the match. Contact Adam 22 Feb What will make us happy? Sutcliff, Mech Eng II, tel 071 384 2206. First Revd Stephen Williams, Senior match on 19th February, England vs Ireland. Anglican Chaplain, London Univ. 1 Mar How do we cope with suffering? Exam Stress Noovobrassik - Poets of the Recession. Pippa Fr Tony Skillen, West London King and Leonie Mansell are now working as a Catholic Chaplaincy Workshop duo - two for the price of one! Rude, romantic, 8 Mar What value is Holy Week? slapstick, satirical, erudite, earthy, passionate Revd Barry Newton, Chaplain, St. This workshop will be held at the Health and political. Available for gigs, women's cabaret, workshops, schools etc. Phone 071 405 Mary's Hospital Centre, 14 Princes Gardens over three 2966 or 081 747 0391. 15 Mar Is there any mystery in life? sessions on 16th February, 23rd February Fr Alexander Fostiropoulos and March 2nd, 3pm-4pm, led by Claudio Registering with the Health Centre. If you Orthodox Chaplain, London Univ; Calvi, Psychotherapist. started College in Oct 1993 and haven't Priest, Russian Cathedral registered with the Health Centre (14 Princes 22 Mar Where do we go from here? Everyone suffers from examination stress. Gdns), feel free to do so. If you live in Hall (not Dr John Wyatt, Consultant If you have a significant examination stress Clayponds), Kensington & Chelsea, Paediatrician, University College problem, these workshops are for you. Hammersmith & Hounslow or Camden & For bookings, please ring Liliane Carter on Ealing, you should be eligible to register. Talks are on Tuesdays at 1pm, venue to be Students who registered but didn't have a arranged. Lunch available from 12.30pm 071 589 5111 ext 3088. This is entirely For more information call ext 8633 free of charge, so don't hesitate to register. 'new patient medical', please make an appoint- ment - it will only take about 10 mins. Small Ads can be placed free of charge. Deadline: Monday, 6pm Opinion 23

Making enemies of Buju Banton and Shabba and family that their likelihood of marriage is must be a legitimate reason for even hetero men rather slimmer than they may have hoped, they «l3 Pi 42. to start shaving their legs and squeezing into go out and enjoy themselves. It is as if they want little Chanel cocktail dresses. These fascist to make up for the time they have lost in the matriarchs whose trade mark decadence and hetero master-race. objectification of women could popularise them I wish I could be as confident, uninhibited to demi-god status with any Neo-Nazi activist and free as the gay men I have met and chatted group or IC drinking club, save for their little to; but I cannot. I am a cog in the hetero oversight of not being quite Caucasian enough. breeding wheel and there is nothing I can do My own sexuality having been called into about it. Keanu Reeves does nothing for me and question by four separate people in recent times unfortunately not a single tear could I muster at leaves one with the temptation to simply say: the sad demise of River. I am trapped in the cold "Yes, I am." I doubt myself often enough, sweats produced by the feminine touch and particularly with the allure of gay culture as addled by idiotic games that are required of me strong as it is. The best clubs are gay. Not for a regular dosage. But on Wednesday nights I simply because of their frenzied freedom and the can be found in the Powder Room at Heaven in uninhibited 'freak-out' manner in which they are Charing Cross, watching the TVs bitch each approached, but the happy nature, the lack of others eyeliner and trying to make some sort of pissed bastards out to badger women into bed sense of the whole spectacle. and, of course, the kitschy music make it an If that is the sort of sentiment that inspires intimidation-free night out. Gay pubs, immersed you to violence, then examine the reason why. Is with good humour (Kings and Queens on the lav it the perceived submissiveness of gays that doors. Take your pick!) and cheap ale, are again gives you the confidence you require to take one easy places to go simply to watch people. But on? Or the basic fear of being gay yourself and what do you see? Gay men on the pull are very the social ostracism that would follow it? Why is easy to spot: they approach their quarry (often as it that weakness is always dubbed being queer? obviously receptive as they themselves are Is it a re-enforcement of your own masculinity, inquisitive) exchange a few words and a new or reassurance to your confused mind? I can't friend is made. None of the fear and 'my friend decide for you, but remember how much guts it fancies your friend' shenanigans of the breeding would take you to bring this hatred down upon population, or none from my limited view of yourself. Far more, I think, than clubbing their world at least. someone to death with baseball bats because This is essentially what inspires my envy of they chose to be different to you. homosexuals. Having thrown caution to the So girlfriend...YOU BETTA WORK! wind and announced to the world, their friends Glyph

The Concreteers Of Your Dreams

Dear Felix, case it is the politics which are to blame. The motorway fly-over are strangely silent about the When I came to Imperial I was prepared for Government is not prepared to pay for great, Government's love of aesthetic death machines. the fact that the phrase "Hello, I'm studying beautiful structures and we are left with Could it be that their love life is restricted to Mechanical Engineering" wasn't going to be the functional objects instead of glorious temples to themselves and their country, whereas the wilful best chat-up line in the world. I wasn't however, technology. (Recently, for instance, a killing of foreigners is laudable? prepared for the vehemence of contempt people memorable Calatrava design for the new East Surely we have reached a stage in the hold towards engineers, not just outside, but also London river crossing was rejected in favour of development of the world when such within, this College. I feel compelled to ask why a cheaper, but worthless, design.) nationalism is a dangerous absurdity and the this is the case. Ironically, the only area in which nationally only sensible way forward is internationalism. The first problem is that engineering is funded engineering is supported properly is the Surely it is time that we stopped glorifying essentially politically incorrect. Engineers build Military - where many of the most exciting new ourselves at the expense of others and worked motorways and power stations. They pollute and developments are being made. The Government for a better world? destroy. Engineering only reaches the news is prepared to kill people in the most advanced And, once the political bickering has ceased, when people campaign against it, when and inspirational manner possible, but will not who better to attempt to achieve this 'environmentalists' protest at the unnecessary fund machines which enhance life, rather than monumental task than those maligned destruction of our landscape. (Unnecessary, even death. concreteers of dreams, the Engineers. though these same protesters undoubtedly drive To add insult to irony, one might notice that Yours, somewhat ramblingly, to the protest site and probably brew cups of tea those environmentalists who are so vocal about Marcus Alexander, during advert breaks thus necessitating extra the extinction of some pretty butterfly by a Mech Eng 2. power stations.) Yes, engineering work has polluted, has killed, has maimed - but these are mistakes to be Applications for re-applicant places in IC learned from, mistakes which can be rectified by the engineers to build a better world. residences for the 1994-5 session are now invited. The other problem is that engineering, Please note that these places are for people who will help run the social programme for freshers at apparently, is boring. OK, it frequently is, but it the start of next session. You are unlikely to be selected unless you played a prominent part in the need not be. Look, for instance, at Calatrava's social life of your hall. Application forms can be obtained from the wardens. bridges; compare the French and British channel tunnel terminals. Why is the European terminal The deadline is Friday 25th February. so beautiful and the British so mundane? In this

Articles Deadline: Friday, 6pm Letters Deadline: Monday, 6pm 24 Puzzle Page

Elimination^ Sphinx Eliminate two words from the right hand columns for each clue on the left. Which word is left over?

a Sucks up to a dirtbag! 1 Boy 22 Grief b Two homophones 2 Oil 23 Reign c The prime reason for plants getting water ? 3 Off 24 Right d Two synonyms 4 Evil 25 Slope e XX 5 Fire 26 Snare Double f Two anagrams 6 Good 27 7 High 28 Hidden g Ninja plane h Two suggesting Cape 8 Horn 29 Orange i Gives offenders a shock 9 Jury 30 Saddle j Two drums 10 Rain 31 Spirit k "It is easier to denature Plutonium than to 11 Root 32 Stealth denature the of man" (A. Einstein) 12 Lady 33 Vacuum 1 Two words going with grand 13 Time 34 Admirer m Eve or Hillary Clinton 14 Town 35 Cleaner n Two words with alarm 15 Angle 36 Fighter 0 The correct point of view ? 16 Blood 37 Incline p Two linked with side 17 Cause 38 Married q Peak hour ? 18 Chair 39 Electric r It might make a gory fruit juice 19 Clock 40 National s Two with old 20 Cross 41 Testament t Healthy distress ! 21 First Cracking Cryptic Crosswords Lesson 4. Abbreviations ST - Street, way, road or saint, good man DEC - December, last month Abbreviations are often used as building-blocks UN - United Nations, multinational MON - Monday, before Tuesday for words. Dictionaries may list abbreviations organisation etc... separately and all common ones are valid in a US - America, the States cryptic clue. Of course, they will rarely be Think of all the abbreviations for a doctor: MD, Units / Quantities written out in full within the clue - that would DR, GP, MP, MO... D - (old) penny PA- Pascal be too easy. Instead they will probably be It's that time again: H - Henry S - second suggested with a reference to their meaning or 1. Let the soldiers take the New Testament (4) N - Newton T - time definition. 2. In the morning by the states, the English P - penny etc... In the following examples, and indeed in all entertain (5) 6. Tense was Pascal the second time (4) cryptic clues, there is no distinction made 3. Test I have to take for a reason (6) between upper- and lower-case letters. The Names examples, incidently, serve to show a few Compass Points AL - Albert ER - Queen common abbreviations or illustrate the ways in N - North, Northern, Point, Quarter, Direction, DI - Diana TED or ED - Edward which an abbreviation might be indicated. Bearing, Pole DOT - Dorothy etc... E - East, Eastern, Point, Quarter, Direction, 7. Robert and Edward got dressed (5) Common Abbreviations Bearing Single letters S - South... Roman Numerals Take the letter P: it can be an abbreviation for NE, SW etc. are also possible. Since they are abbreviations for Latin words, I page, penny, pence or quietly (pianissimo) 4. Information from all quarters (4) can mention them here. They are of course: among other things. U can stand for Universal I - 1, one, unit L - 50... (film rating), University, Upper-class etc. Chemical Symbols V - 5, five, a few, C - 100, many, lots Common ones are gold (AU) and silver (AG) some D - 500... Multiple letters but being at Imperial, I would expect you to X - 10, ten M- 1000... AC - Alternating Current or account, bill know a few more common elements' symbols. 8. An engineer that adds 104 and 49 (5) AM - in the morning, before lunch 5. Carbon Monoxide and Aluminium make a BA - Bachelor, scholar, graduate, degree good fuel (4) The last two words are built up from dissimilar IVE - I have abbreviations: NT - New Testament, part of bible, book(s) Months / Days 9. March South to the planet (A) RE - With reference to, about, regarding or FEB - February, after January etc... 10. Numerous take a degree in New York (4) Royal Engineers, soldiers etc. MAR - March

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mm mm* m m Felix is produced for and on behalf of Imperial College Union Publications Board and is printed by the Imperial College ft™ ft™ I I jKL Union Print Unit, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB (Tel: 071 225 8672). mmm mmm I M^m. Editor: Rebecca Land, Business Manager: Simon Govier, Advertising Manager: Steven Newhouse. The Student Newspaper of Imperial College Copyright Felix 1994. ISSN 1 040-0711