www.read.forumsplace.com www.read.forumsplace.com DIRTY JOKES AND BEER STORIES OF THE UNREFINED www.read.forumsplace.com DREW CAREY DIRTY JOKES AND BEER STORIES OF THE UNREFINED BANTAM BOOKS SYDNEY • AUCKLAND • TORONTO • NEW YORK • LONDON www.read.forumsplace.com DIRTY JOKES AND BEER A BANTAM BOOK First published in Australia and New Zealand in 1998 by Bantam Bantam hardcover edition 1997 Published by arrangement with Hyperion, 114 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10011 USA Copyright 1997 by Work Hard, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, store in a retrieval system, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, with­ out the prior written permission of the publisher. National Library of Australia. Cataloguing-in-Publication Entry Carey, Drew. Dirty jokes and beer: stories of the unrefined. ISBN 0 73380 192 7 1. American wit and humour. I. Title. 818.5402 Bantam books are published by Transworld Publishers (Aust) Pty Limited 15-25 Helles Ave, Moorebank, NSW 2170 Transworld Publishers (NZ) Limited 3 William Pickering Drive, Albany, Auckland Cover photograph by Robert Sebree Designed by Kathy Kikkert Printed in Australia by McPherson's Printing Group 10 987654321 www.read.forumsplace.com This book is dedicated to everyone at Hyperion for having such a tremendous amount of trust in me, considering that I've never written a book before and was kicked out of college twice. I would dedicate this book to my mother and my family, but they haven't given me as much money as Hyperion has. THE THANK YOU PAGE Thank you to Bruce Helford, the Executive Producer of The Drew Carey Show, and the guy I created the show with, for all of your honest opinions; and your ability to say that something really sucks without coming right out and saying it. Thank you to my managers, Rick Messina and Richard Baker, to my lawyer, Dennis Ardi (glad you're on my side), and to all of my agents at the United Talent Agency. The check's in the mail. Thank you to my accountant, Walter Lesley, and my publicists at Wolf-Kasteler, Christina Papado- poulos and Ame Van Iden. Thank you all for fight­ ing for me and being my friend. Thank you to Mort Janklow, my book agent, who closed this deal while he was holed up in his bathroom with the flu. No lie. Thank you to Marcy Woolard, my assistant. How do you put up with it? The good boss, the nice car, the easy hours? Thank you to all the writers on The Drew Carey Show. Without you, what would I say? Thanks for accepting me as one of your own. Thank you to Sam Simon, who I am lucky to count as more than just a friend, but a role model. The only way I could be as funny and as nice as you, is in my dreams. Thank you to all my cast mates on the show: Die- drich, Ryan, Christa, Kathy, Craig, Ian, and every­ one else, including my great crew. I'm the luckiest guy on the face of the earth. Thank you for all of the last-minute editing help that I got from Les "King of the Big Dick Jokes" Firestein (punch-up and editing) and Betsy Voinov- ich (very helpful story note's, and much needed thought organization on some of the essay's), who both came in about five day's before the deadline and helped calm me down and show me where the apostrophe's are supposed to go. Thank you everyone who's ever touched me, seen me, or pumped my gas. I love you all. A NOTE TO THE READER Thanks for taking the time to read my first book. I hope you enjoy it. I just wanted to remind you that I didn't use a ghost writer for this. I could have. I probably should have, it would've been easier. But because of pride, I didn't. It's all mine, except for a couple of jokes that I got from my friends, and the jokes at the be­ ginning of the chapters. So, if you're a "real writer" and you're thinking to yourself "I could've done better than this," you're probably right. But then, you don't have a TV show, so . I'm sorry. I know that I only write "pretty good for a celebrity"; I am to writing what Bruce Willis is to the Blues. But I didn't make the marketplace, I just took advantage of it. While writing this book, there were a few tools I used that I couldn't have done without: My Macin­ tosh computer (Macs Rule!), and Microsoft Word 6.0.1 (I had Word 5.1 until just this year, and now I kick myself for not upgrading sooner). I also used two great programs, Inspiration®, and IdeaFisher®, both available at your local computer store. I couldn't have written this book without them. My biggest help, though, was from the publishers of Writer's Digest Books. I have a whole slew of "how to write" books from them that were like my own personal "English Professor on a shelf." They were full of invaluable advice, and I can't recommend books from WDB highly enough for the first-time celebrity book writer. CONTENTS HELLO • xi i i DIRTY JOKES VEGAS • 3 BASIC HOME THEATER • I I HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS • 19 SNOWBOUND • 26 HAIL TO THE CHIEF • 32 FUN AT AIRPORTS • 39 LIFE WITHOUT FOOTBALL • 43 LIVE LONG AND PROSPER • 49 SINGLE MAN BLUES • 53 101 BIG-DICK JOKES • 60 BEER WHAT'S MIMI REALLY LIKE? • 73 THE CRITICS SPEAK! • 75 THE DEPARTMENT OF BROADCAST STANDARDS AND PRACTICES • 87 HARD COPY MADE EZ • 104 TABLOIDS MADE EZ • 114 FAQ.COM • 122 MY NIPPLE'S GOT A HOLE IN IT AND I MIGHT DROWN • 136 MY SHORT, HAPPY LIFE • 140 STORIES OF THE UNREFINED Ml PELEA • 168 THE CHRISTMAS STORY • 183 A FRIEND IN NEED • 200 THE ROYAL • 228 TACKLING JIM BROWN • 250 HELLO A woman is at a bar drinking and depressed. A man walks in and sits next to her. He, too, is drinking and depressed. After a time, the man asks the woman, "What are you so depressed about?" She says, "My husband left me because he thought I was too kinky." He says, "Really? My wife left me because she thought I was too kinky!" They order another drink, and she says to him, ''Hey listen, we're both adults here, and it looks like we might have a little something in common . whaddya say we go back to my place and see what happens?" He says, "Sounds like a great idea!" And they finish their drinks and leave. When they get to her place, she says to him, "Wait right here, I'm going to go change into something a little more comfortable." She goes to her bedroom and puts on some black leather boots with six-inch heels, a leather mini­ skirt, a rubber bra with the nipples cut out, a dog collar, and a leather hood. She then grabs a riding crop and some handcuffs and saunters seductively out to the living room where she sees the guy putting on his coat and hat and heading out the door. "Where ya going?" she asks. "I thought we were going to get kinky?" "Hey," he says, "I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse . I'm outta here!" You can tell that joke a hundred different ways, but it's never as funny as when you say "fucked" and "shit" in the punch line. Believe me, I've tried. "I shagged your dog and spit in your purse." No. "I had sexual relations with your dog and defe­ cated in your purse." No. "I blew your dog and pissed in your purse." Close, but still no cigar. I mean, you get the same information if you don't use the dirty words, so you don't really need them. You just need them if you want the joke to be as funny and entertaining as it can possibly be. That's the fun of the joke—that it's ribald. The same thing is true with this book. Yes, there are a lot of vulgarities in here and I wouldn't recom­ mend it for small children or the easily offended. But I only left them in because I didn't think that the things I'd written would be as funny without them. I wish, for the sake of those easily offended, that I could be as funny in some other way, but I really can't. Oh, I can get laughs if I work clean all right, no problem. Even now, I do plenty of corporate work where they want me to do a clean show and I do just fine. I just can't get enough of the kind of really big laughs it takes to satisfy me the way my regular vulgar act in front of a regular crowd does. I found this out years ago when I was doing nothing but my stand-up act for a living. I started out working squeaky clean and getting respectable laughs. Then, wanting to get more road work and make more money, I started talking to the audience with the same words I used when I talked to my friends in a bar. I went from respectable laughs to belly laughs.