Death and Mourning
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The New Shul Guide to DEATH AND MOURNING Prepared by The New Shul Ritual Lab Under the guidance of Rabbi Niles Elliot Goldstein The New Shul Guide to DEATH AND MOURNING Prepared by The New Shul Ritual Lab Under the guidance of Rabbi Niles Elliot Goldstein ©2010 The New Shul, New York City, newshul.org With appreciation to Anita Kushner for gracing the cover with her artwork Rabbi Joyce Reinitz for contributing her wisdom to "The Gift of Your Presence" section Joan Hirsch at the Marton Agency for her tireless work securing literary permissions * * * The printing of this book was made possible by contributions from members of The New Shul Ritual Lab. Special thanks to Cathy Gins and Tonda Marton. Contact Information for The New Shul As of July 2010 The New Shul office 212-284-6773 Listen to the recording for numbers to call outside business hours. Email [email protected] We are always available to offer guidance and assistance to members of The New Shul in their time of need. Please do not hesitate to call or email Contents Introduction........................................................................................... 1 Four stages ........................................................................................... 3 Prior to death ........................................................................................ 4 Jewish laws and customs ................................................................... 4 Offering comfort .................................................................................. 5 Psalms and prayers ............................................................................ 7 Ethical will ........................................................................................... 9 Deathbed confession ........................................................................ 11 Planning ahead ................................................................................. 13 How The New Shul can help ............................................................ 14 The moment of death ......................................................................... 15 Jewish laws and customs ................................................................. 15 Arranging for the funeral and burial .................................................. 15 Caring for the body ........................................................................... 18 How The New Shul can help ............................................................ 19 How friends and family can help ...................................................... 19 Funeral and burial .............................................................................. 21 Jewish laws and customs ................................................................. 21 Funeral and burial............................................................................. 21 Psalms and prayers .......................................................................... 23 How The New Shul can help ............................................................ 26 Mourning ............................................................................................. 27 Jewish laws and customs ................................................................. 27 Psalms and prayers .......................................................................... 29 How The New Shul can help ............................................................ 30 How friends and family can help ...................................................... 31 Jewish views of death ........................................................................ 32 The gift of your presence .................................................................. 34 Selected unanswered questions ...................................................... 36 Readings ............................................................................................. 40 Resources ........................................................................................... 54 Dedications ......................................................................................... 57 About The New Shul .......................................................................... 58 Guide to Death and Mourning 1 Introduction he New Shul Guide to Death and Mourning was created for those of you facing the loss of someone close to you— T someone whose death promises to shake your world. It will introduce you to the Jewish practices designed to see you through this loss, from the moment you learn it is coming to the time when you mark the anniversary−and beyond, through the rest of your life. There is also, we hope, something here for the individual who is facing death personally. Whether your time is imminent or mercifully distant, there are Jewish practices to help you pull together the loose strands of life. Also included are guidelines for friends, family and members of The New Shul community. The role you have to play for the dying and the bereaved is more important than you can possibly imagine. Some of the practices described in this booklet are considered “laws” or “commandments.” They are the ones that a traditionally observant Jew is obliged to follow. Others are customs that are considered voluntary from a religious point of view. In fact, all of these practices are voluntary in the sense that it is up to you to decide whether or not to take them upon yourself. We can only recommend them for their surprising power to comfort, honor, support and console. As with all rituals, the more consciousness−or kavanah−you bring to them, the more meaningful they will be. If you discover a certain practice puts you in a bind, you may need to interpret it in light of your situation. Interpretation, too, is part of the Jewish tradition. You will find in this booklet a beautiful story from one of our members on how and why she found it necessary to reinterpret a basic tenet of Jewish law that is traditionally interpreted to ban cremation. Since death must be dealt with not just psychically but practically, there is information here about arrangements that must be made. As you may wonder what The New Shul can do to help, we have included information about that as well. But please do not bother checking the booklet in your time of need. Just call. The New Shul staff and community are here for you. 2 The New Shul Lastly, we have included a variety of readings, from the religious to the secular, for different casts of mind. A poem, song or reflection that speaks to you can be a comforting friend in a dark time. The New Shul Ritual Lab Rabbi Niles Goldstein Cathy Gins Sheryl Eisenberg, co-chair Tobey Klass Amy Mereson, co-chair Sasha Malamud Sean Baldwin Tonda Marton Natalie Cohen Maia Wechsler Marty Friedman June 2009 A Note on Language: While The New Shul community endeavors to use gender-neutral language in worship, the readings in this booklet reflect the translators’ choices. We encourage you to choose language consistent with your preference and practice. Guide to Death and Mourning 3 Four stages rom a Jewish perspective, there are four stages to loss: the time prior to death when your loved one is ill or dying; the F moment of death; the funeral and burial; and mourning. We have followed these stages in this booklet. In the first three stages, the main task of the relative or friend is to comfort, care for and then honor the loved one. Only in the last stage is the mourner completely free to attend to his or her own needs. The different Jewish practices prescribed for each stage recognize this reality, and attempt to give it structure and meaning. 4 The New Shul Prior to death Jewish laws and customs n the period leading up to death, or during any grave illness, Jewish law obliges us to I observe the ancient principle of bikkur cholim, that is, personally visiting and caring for the sick or infirm. A visit can take place at home, at a hospital, or at a hospice. The vital element is that you offer your physical presence, and comfort, to the person in need. In situations where you may have to make critical medical decisions for the person who is dying, there is a fundamental Jewish principle that may be a guide. The law states that we must never do anything to hinder or hasten the dying process. In other words, let nature take its course. Unfortunately, given the complexity of today’s medical realities, it may be unclear how this principle applies in specific situations. The Rabbi is always available to offer guidance in such cases. Directly prior to the death of a loved one, it is customary to offer prayers for that person and, specifically, to read from the Book of Psalms. For the person who is dying, there are two customs to help close out this phase of life. (Why is this considered a “phase of life” rather than the “end”? Because according to Jewish belief, life will continue in ha’olam ha’ba, the world to come. Read Rabbi Goldstein’s explanation in "Jewish views of death" below.) One custom is to prepare an ethical will (in addition to the traditional will that directs the allocation of material possessions). An ethical will expresses your wishes and dreams for those who live on. It can, of course, be written at any time of life, not just when facing death, and revised as your ideas change. We have included one written by the father of a member of The New Shul in the pages that follow. Another custom is to recite the Vidui, or “deathbed confession,” just prior to death. This recitation enables you to “set things right” with