Tip Line 301-863-BUTT * FAX 862-0462 POINT NEWS Breaking Local News Around The Clock TODAY http://www.smcm.edu/pointnews listings for Atheist events & services Dedicated to our reapersi (Thursday, April 1,1999 Vol. X X X No.l St. M ary’s City Editorials Pg. 7 Masturbation Pg. 4 Yo’Momma At M y House

N EW S for Drunken Heathens

Sheriffs return to townhouse green Voorhaar, Medved come back to "finish the job," say they won't rest until "every last pampered preppie gets pepper-sprayed"

In c h a r g e , i n c o n t r o l I Arrests, dogs keep students in line

Sgt. Pentoffel Puck keeps the peace, despite incompetent leadership by Maybe now the spoiled Birkenstock-clad pinkos will know what’s so-called Sheriff Voorhaar. good for them. The Point News Today Photo New student center named Exotic dancing introduced after SMC to “liven up" registration alumnus Charles Looking back on 50 Hall years of the Bulletin COMMENTARY EDITORIAL Balloonists have renewed Not enough libel? A promise my faith in mankind to our readers: We'll lie more! 15 bucks for sex?! One student complains FREE BEER TOMORROW!! Go to Dean Freeman’s office POINT NEWS TODAY April 1,1999 Freshman Girl Freshman Helicopters, pepper spray used to subdue rowdy rowdy faithful subdue to used spray pepper Helicopters, Ask a Drunk a Ask Hell for all eternity. We knew then that we that then knew We for all Hell eternity. well, acting, were and they pun, the excuse When we first started dating, he always always he dating, started first we When Girl: Freshman Drunk Dear Of­ Freely. ficer added heads,” our over way in were in oil flaming in boiled was I that it to see personally would he radio that touched I if that me told perps the of one but down, said. Morebutts Officer mal,” inside the loony-snap-whack-job positively you’ll if level, ungodly an at tunes Talk ra u te odet hita Fellow­ Christian rowdiest the up break law­ the September, last unlike However, slobbering spray, pepper wielding pus, cam­ Maryland of College Mary’s St. the the Trueschler townhouse block. townhouse Trueschler the of in vicinity the violation noise an alleged out check to responded Morebutts C. and p.m. I.P.when Safety officers Public Freely oih ad dak lk, ie lk, like, like, like, like, drank, I and tonight my in girls other nine the and Me now. back!? man my get I play­ and guys the with out hanging time call would he and dinner, to out me took nor­ weren’t just it Well lee. loopy-dee ship meeting this campus has ever seen. ever has campus this meeting ship to here were they students; of mob sloshed up an to not were here men break unwieldy helicopter. a spotlighting and dogs, attack upon descended officers police of swarm ers. Jeez, I can hardly stand up. Do you you Do up. stand hardly can I Jeez, ers. to. used he as me to attention much as ing Dear Confused: Confused: Dear do How HELP! games. video stupid ing his all spends he just Now day. every me cheapskate friends ducked out, sticking sticking out, ducked friends cheapskate shoot­ drop lemon three and Oh, punch. grain of cups giant three and beers whole two drank I yeah, Oh saying? I was what crawl hall this to went clique Q.A. little D.C. band rap Christian cranking were el w ae n daK ut a i, but bit, a quite dranK and ate we Well, one? akwtotaintn y friends? my alienating without back money my get I do How off. me blowing keep they but back, them me pay asked to I’ve repeatedly $40. for bill a with me What Creek. Dawson’s on wear they kind Dear Drunk Freshman Girl: Freshman Drunk Dear Police break up Christian Fellowship meeting Fellowship Christian up break Police iz” ih ad ed o u a tab. a run myallof bill to the pay to time eed it came when I and night and Pizza” “Pitcher for Door Green the to went have I Can beer? A drinking? you are is the This It’sDKNY. baby-tee? my like ADVICE COLUMN ADVICE ON E S NEW POINT h tobe tre ysedy t 11:01 at yesterday started trouble The Lately, my boyfriend has not been pay­ been not has boyfriend my Lately, radio the turn to inside proceeded “We For the second time in seven months a months seven in time second the For ofsd n Calvert in Confused “The noise was unbelievable. They They unbelievable. was noise “The at ody ih tre red ad I and friends three night Monday Last TODAY isdofi P.G. in Pissed-off os o lk i nm rnucd "see-un" pronounced name his like not does SEAN MUSSENDEN SEAN I am, like, so drunk right right so like, Idrunk am,

a’eyu okn at? looking you hat’re W outdrinking. What’s your major? I’m a I’m major? your What’s outdrinking. biology major. Oh, jeez, my head’s spin­ head’s my Oh, jeez, major. biology Iwas knew they if me kill My would parents life. whole my in before drunk this omno wn ad a sekn in speaking was the and into wine noted gotten Communion had there,” kid in “One Medved, madhouse a was “It abandon. reckless with door the through chances this time with you damn kids, kids, any damn variety you you take kids of the Christian especially with to time going this weren’t chances “We ers). hat­ Christian (noted 9th of Moors century Dear Pissed-off in P.G.: P.G.: in Pissed-off Dear Oh jeez am I drunk. I’m serious, I’ve I’ve serious, I’m drunk. I am jeez Oh that fridge in your anything Is there ning. tongues about Leviticus about or Leviticus 16-headedtongues some knocked and scene the on first ar­ rived department s Sherrif County Mary’s is. or her whatever name McGilleechoweoski, going to kill me. Can I have another ICan beer? to another going have kill me. cn a? hr dd o g t high Jones? to Billy know go you did you Oh, did school? Where eat? can I . . . what with your God and all,” noted noted all,” and God your with what . . . band a and tank, Sherman a snipers, men 19 two helicopters, stealth bombers, marks­ three chiuaua), bell taco lovable that (and K-9 units pincher Doberman angry bering, Christians, rowdy the with deal to officer available in every called McGillicuddyski better nothing had police County Mary’s officers the green light to call in the boys- boys- the in call to light green the officers Dear Half-naked: Half-naked: Dear red-handed? thief the catch to t- my stealing been someone’s think I are more and of missing. mymore clothes Girl: Freshman Drunk Dear are parents My before! drunk been never to do, county dispatcher JoJo JoJo with 17 armed lethalpepper spray, Tabasco-brand slob­ officers police 26 including dispatcher county do, to Do I want to check out your Phish posters posters Phish your Do Iout to check want the gave Freeman in. called be backup shirts and jeans. Any suggestions on how Anysuggestions and shirts jeans. be doing this. My parents would kill me kill would parents My this. doing be in-blue. on t b tgte frvr O, m I am Oh, forever. together be to going I jeez, boy­ a got Oh, I’ve you; kissing be shouldn’t me. to speaks music their Phish, Ilove Yeah, bedroom? your inup that request to Freeman Michael Affairs another beer? another spinning? Yeah, I guess I’ll lie down down lie I’ll Oh, withI guess while. you fora really shouldn’t I Yeah, spinning? ’ gna ue BEH Cn have I Can BLEAH! puke, gonna I’m god, Oh now. was I where knew they if feeling drunk. How come the room's room's the come How drunk. feeling we’re him, love I home. back friend fie hitpe evd fte St. the of Medved Christopher Officer vr tm I o anr i ses like seems it laundry do I time Every Fearing the worst, and knowing that St. that knowing and worst, the Fearing The two officers called Dean of Student Student of Dean called officers two The Half-naked in Harrington in Half-naked Oh, am I feeling sick. Iamfeeling Oh, I’ve never been I’ve never then proceeded to die. to proceeded then ING APART MY BRAIN. BRAIN. MY student The Amen.” God. of children all are we for APART inpeace, Go AHHHHHHHH! ING pepper- I So love. about other or thing some­ and beast the of mark the and devil dusters. feather with senseless other eachbeating while INSIDE MY HEAD AND ARE CHEW­ ARE AND HEAD MY INSIDE LIKE IT FEELS IT’SMELTING. FACE, sweet!” it was Oh, face. inthe Right him. sprayed LITTLE TROLLS, AHHHHHH, GOT GOT AHHHHHH, TROLLS, LITTLE MY “AUGHHH, saying, later actions his againover andover Call” Caedmon’s Call, “Caedmon’s chanted members Fellowship Christian these frustration, pent-upsexual with Overwrought Architects’ AssociationTentgives designers“BestUse of StrangeGreen Plastic-Looking Stuff” Award The Architects’ Association of America honored the structure last week structure the honored of America Association Architects’The shiftiest food. for nominated also was Tent The cool.”kinda stillbut it“freaky, calling fe te nta avne y Medved, by advance initial the After defended student pepper-sprayed The Now accepting AMEX, lOUs, Buttons, lOUs,NowMonopoly acceptingAMEX, window drive-thru convenient our use While-U-Wait TermPapers http^ww wjnMni

audy 00a -5:00pm 10:00am Saturday udy 20p -5:00pm 12:00pm Sunday - . :5m-8:00pm 7:45am r. u h .-T n o M Friday 7:45am -5:00pm 7:45am Friday : S R U O H by DavebyMatthews In-StoreConcert Hell. The end. Except for me. I just hung I just me. for Except end. The Hell. cheese snacks. cheese circular formation to protect themselves from rud o awie n ae heo brand Cheetos ate and while a for around to went else everyone and heaven to went added K-9 Officer BillK-9 added Officer Mcgrandtavishstien. So I told sparky to bite him in the wee-wee,” him that he had Noah wished let him drown. of the kids went up to my and Doberman told “Onward Christian Soldier.” singing Christian “Onward began and cops of onslaught the one te hitasgn-op. “One Christians-gone-loopy. the rounded several of the K-9 units moved in and sur­ and in moved units K-9 the of several EVERYFRIDAY Band-FREE! Then everyone died andall died the everyone Christians Then The into then moved The Christians folk-song We’re Here Here We’re Photo by Robet Mapplethorpe for You!!

POINT NEWS! ITODAY Stop staring at me! Hot, barely legal sex in B.A.T. $100 M accidently donated to Mt. St. Mary’s w Peer Health Educators offer fornication demonstrations CHARLES “ALOYSIUS” SUTTON tionable means, to further the mission of does layout naked ELLIOT SCOTT ing out condoms and hosting forums for this seminary by advancing the works of is still trying to piss off the last 2% of the campus queries and discussions. In an embarrassing gaffe for College God.” fundraisers, a prominent donor has do­ St. Mary’s College President Maggie The Peer Health Educators plan to Miller says that the group has not sim­ nated $100 million to Mt. St. Mary’s by O’Brien was despondent. “This is hor­ demonstrate sex acts in the tent tomor­ ply “jumped to the point of sex in public. accident. rible. It used to be the biggest donation in row as part of an effort to teach students It is the natural climax after months of The donor, Amanda Meyerhoff about proper sexual relations. Student intense, gratifying buildup.” The Peer St. Mary’s College history. Now it’s the educators will offer a wide variety of Health Educators have lectured on the Hungenkiss, apparently did not realize biggest donation in Mt. St. Mary’s his­ that the two Maryland schools had similar tory.” helpful sessions on everything from fella­ attributes of the perfect “blow job” and names. In fact, she had not been notified tio to standard coitus. how to use condoms, but the message did The two colleges have very distinct his­ of her mistake until contacted for this Health Educator Wellness Coordina­ not sink in. Poremski opines, “This is an tories. St. Mary’s College is a Catholic tor Dennis Poremski believes “that stu­ ‘hnors college,’ but our students are hu­ article. school of about 1400 students in dents at the College have a basic misun­ man. We can’t ignore the reality that sex When told of her mistake, she said, Emmittsburg, Md., founded in 1808 by Father John DuBois, a Catholic escaping derstanding of how to pork and such. is not intuitive; kids are not going to “What? There’s two St. Mary’s? You’re Our job is to show them the proper way,” know how to bump their nasties unless lying! Get out of my bedroom!” the French Revolution. Mt. St. Mary’s POINT NEWS TODAY April 1,1999 The Educators plan to bring in several we show them.” Later, Hugenkiss explained her mix up. College and Seminary, on the other hand, “dorm-sized” beds and couches so the The mission to educate students about “I lost the business card [College presi­ is a fervently nonsectarian liberal arts col­ lessons will be relevant to the special sex is not only a practical endeavor; dent] Maggie O’Brien gave me, so I just lege of about 1700 students, founded in needs of col- Choices hopes took the address from the first thing I 1840 at the site of the original capital of lege-aged stu- to gain the found with ‘St. Maryland. Mt. St. Mary’s’ on it. Ap- dents. moral high Mary ’ s has been con­ parently, it was a sistently listed among Poremski also ground by en­ This is horrible. It used plans several couraging sex. brochure for Mt. St. the top 50 liberal arts d e m o n s tra ­ Condom trees, Mary’s. So, I sent fo be the biggest dona- colleges in the coun­ tions of love- lewd top-ten the check to the , • • cx ti/t / 11 try inA/on^yand U.S. wrong place.” tt0H ttl S t M anJ S College making in un­ lists, and sala­ News and World Re­ common ven­ cious public officials from Mt. history. Now it's the port. ues. “We’re discussions St. Mary’s said they fogwgf donation in Mt. This is not the first going to have have failed to were surprised by 0 0 time the two schools the accidental dona- a mock- bring all stu­ St. Mary's history." have been confused. shower, a stan­ Peer health educators take a break from dents around to tion. Vice President — President Maggie Three years ago, a dard dorm toi­ their orgy to pose for a “money shot.” the value of for Institutional Ad- • company that runs let stall, and of anonymous sex vancementatMt.St. D T te n ______jello-wrestling con­ course, the back seat of a car.” outside of marriage. Senior Ben Libby Mary’s, S. Frank tests at colleges sent a Though some of the students refused says, “students here have to leam that as DeLuca, said, “We just got the check in jello-wrestling crew to Mt. St. Mary’s in­ to take part in the planned debauchery, long as sex is marginally safe. It is a the mail, completely ouf of the blue.” stead of here. (We did not make this up.) most are pleased at the opportunity to moral imperative. If some chick has to Mt. St. Mary’s Director of Accounting Three weeks ago, when Mt. St. Mary’s help their peers. Sophomore Lisa Miller suck my dinghy in the B.A.T. in front of James T. Pierce said, “When we got the was supposed to play Michigan State in explains that “we are trying to help stu­ everybody for everyone to realize that, check in the mail, at first we thought it was the NCAA men’s tournament, the NCAA dents learn to make sweet monkey love, then so be it.” for a student’s tuition bill. Then we real­ sent the invitation to this College by acci­ and I am willing to sacrifice my dignity The new initiative is part of the con­ ized that the check would be enough to pay dent. for that.” tinuing efforts of the volunteer student for a student taking 199,995 credits. That’s The Seahawks lost 66-45. About not Where a fringe minority sees perver­ group, which is sponsored by the Health when we realized something was amiss.” getting his team’s rightful bid in the tour­ sion and poor taste, Poremski and his Center, to protect the physical, sexual, Mt. St. Mary’s officials plan to use the ney, Mt. St. Mary’s coach Jim Phelan was supporters see the logical “next step in and emotional welfare of the student body windfall to pay for a new chapel. Rev. stoic. “It’s a shame St. Mary’s played in sex education.” The Peer Health Educa­ and the world. Though no one in the Kevin Rhoades, rector of the seminary at the tournament instead of us,” he said. tors have pursued many avenues in the organization is trained in medicine, psy­ Mt. St. Mary’s, said, “It is a pleasure to use “Our boys really deserved that game.” continuing mission to bring students into chology, or ethics, everyone in Choices this money, although obtained by ques­ Okay, we did make that up. sexual enlightenment, including pass- has lost his/her virginity.

will be held at St. Mary’s. “Basically, as a “pencil,” “wet,” “fuck,” and “Virginia.” C U R g E N T part of the ‘honors college’ image we are His friends give him props. trying to create, we need a more diverse offering of courses and activities. Sailing Calvert resident gets stoned EVENTS is kind of pass6,” said O’Brien. She plans to transfer funding for the sailing team to in HSMC the new surfing team. Charles Hall renovations and take obscenely long breaks, but we After wandering into Historic St. Mary’s have too many dedicated employees and Student amused by the word City for a nice trip away from the prying on schedule an awful amount of good weather.” eyes of College administrators, a student “dinghy” got more than he bargained for—really In a disappointing memorandum to Surfing now allowed in St. bad rocks. Senior John O’Donnell incited the College, Director of Facilities After reading an article entitled, “Once a crowd of 17th century re-enactors with Charles “Chipper” Jackson announced John’s Pond again, dinghy team ranked #1 in nation,” his scathing sarcasm about the town’s au­ the construction of the new Charles in the Oct. 6, 1998, issue of The Point thenticity. “Seventeenth century my ass— Hall will be complete by the expected In a reversal of almost 50 years of Col­ News, sophomore Jim Rauman was com­ I saw some chick drinking a Coke. And in date. Jackson writes, “unfortunately, lege policy, President Maggie O’Brien pelled to make a crude pun on the word that Kitchen place, there’s like hamburgers construction isn’t an exact science. We approved a new statute yesterday that reads, “dinghy,” much to the amusement of his and soda and jonx. There’s no gruel in tried to work with the builders to delay core of three friends. “I think my dinghy “Surfing will henceforth be allowed on St. sight.” O’Donnell was then seized by the the process as long as possible, but they team’s #1 in the nation,” Rauman said to John’s Pond.” O’Brien decided to change crowd and pummelled with cobblestones. couldn’t do it.” The College has a his amused friends upon reading the pa­ the long-standing rule in an attempt to He is in stable condition at St. Mary’s lawsuit pending against the builders, increase potential students and also poten­ per. Rauman is noted for his unique ability Hospital. Jowett, Inc. for breach of contract. tial donors by marketing the College as a to find humor in the most mundane of James Riley, the Jowett representative, “Surfer’s Paradise.” She hopes that by words. Among his favorite sources of —compiled from staff reports and lies claims that “we tried to waste money next year, all the national surfing contests double entendres are the words “come,” POINT NEWS TODAY April 1,1999 ers. Results were sent back to the Core Core the to back sent were Results ers. 77% were residents and 23% were commut­ were 23% and residents were 77% responding the of 58% Demographically, completed classes 33 end the in and classes reality of our campus. How does our par­ our does How the see campus. “I our to of reality explains, information intelligent survey, wanted the organized who sum­ executive an and tabulated, Institute, students were female and 42% male while while male 42% and female were students enrollment. student total the of 32% equal­ ling responded, students 515 survey. the different 37 was target The information. standard­ longer the use to opted Mary’s St. ticipated. par­ have colleges 920 and students 500,000 over which in University, Illinois Southern of group select a and faculty, students, the dctd decisions.” educated necessary is information This monkey? the spanking about think and use college ticular the of all with along returned was mary ized questionnaire in order to compile more more compile to order in questionnaire ized a on Tuesday. period 11:50 class a.m. to a.m. td cnutd y h Cr Isiue at Institute Core the by conducted nationwide a study of part was It administrators. h pooto o msubtr i average, is masturbators of proportion the toward and moralizing from away geT to surveys. original M asturbation, by th e numb* e th by asturbation, M h Survey The ON E S NEW POINT h uvywshne u uigte 10 the during out handed was survey The L Director of Counseling Dr. Eric Kafka, Kafka, Eric Dr. Counseling of Director According to the abstract, Kafka finds that that finds Kafka abstract, the to According TODAY ; ' % who have masturbated in the past 30 days days 30 past the in masturbated have who % ' ; - % who did not binge in the past 2 weeks weeks 2 past the in binge not did who % - ■ results compiled from last year’s survey year’s last from compiled results a ps MasturbationCampus % who binged 3 times or more in the past 2 weeks weeks 2 past the in more or times 3 binged who % ; k, ••• e e w per times of number Average year) past the in once least (at masturbate who % % % who binged (5 or more orgasms'per sitting) . sitting) orgasms'per more or (5 binged who % a t r a in . - ,•* . - Masturbation reporting an average of zero orgasms per week per orgasms zero of average an reporting concerning masturbation among among masturbation concerning ministered an anonymous survey survey anonymous an ministered ast spring semester the College ad College the semester spring ast pare it to national averages.tonational it pare Are St. Mary’s students masters of reThe domains? own their of St.students masters Mary’s Are survey held last spring quantify self-gratification on campus a campus on self-gratification quantify last spring held survey hs h di subtn -. ' . - ' . - • asturbating m admit who Those gis atrain ’ .. ' . . 38% ■’ - Masturbation Against y6ar past regularly- masturbate %who h i-ieie • '!7 .’ • . lie-lifetime % who uulMsubto •' ^ ; \ ^ ;, • ' Masturbation Mutual % t tmof er' .• * ...• , year"' / item off gt Vio o i tV v ‘\?n r‘ • - atmrt 24% mpr\th past v- • ; have "others help help "others have - ’ ;v tretmswe 8.5% times/week .three ;v ; ’ . ot 3.5% month year year "• "• ot i 7.7% i month exaggerated perceptions and reality of mas­ of reality and perceptions exaggerated core of poly-substance users accounts for for accounts users poly-substance of core a that and others, use to tend will dildo one use who of that those it make obvious Patterns cross-use toys. sex of variety a uses core another not that but do all, at students themselves of pleasure core solid a that clear turbation. sensationalizing. avoid to “conservative” under­ to itself lends survey self-report a of beenhave “could Responses time.at the pied occu­ otherwise were students Other questions blank. certain leave to opted or ticipate eot ta a iprt eit bten the between exists disparity a that reports the altered have might which absent, were students some and unannounced was survey is “It institutions. four-year other than more so do masturbate excessively who those but tics were solid and considered his approach approach his considered and solid were tics statis­ all sure made intentionally he plains masturbation. as such issues troversial con­ with dealing when especially reporting the nature Similarly, use faculty or of findings.” administrative of mistrust by influenced much of the masturbation at the College.” the at masturbation the of much n ahei ivleet Frhroe he Furthermore involvement. athletic and off-campus, GPA, residency race, lower Caucasian age, gender, male onanism: with par­ not did simply students Some findings. lre rsrsnaie ape” e ex­ He sample.” respresentative large, a from responses get to able were “We went, Certain characteristics are also associated associated also are characteristics Certain vrl Kfa s aife wt hw it how with satisfied is Kafka Overall ak nts oe fte iiain: the limitations: the of some notes Kafka ^ • .. ; 18%-;- v v >r,/ .... x "■<; ~, " 17% " st, Mary’s % 2 2 34% 54% 46% 83% 6.1 72% . % 2 1 Institution, o? 1992-94 Cor?. ainl 4-yr. National ,12% 4.7 37% 61% 39% 65% 85% % 6 1 3.1% 4.1% 28% 2.5% 7.1% 16% 12%

, , but Caucasians tended to ierk off more often. more off ierk to tended Caucasians but ob ev bingers.” heavy be to non-ath­ than non-masturbaters or non-bingers be to likely less significantly are asathletes self-identify who age. legal the of 78% to compared month past inthe torpedo females. for 17% compared week a women. for 3.80 men,and in oprd o .2 o eae non-atheletes. female for 3.52 to compared sions non-athletes. male for 7.62 versus week allthat however, is “It clear, that, writing off and jerking week. per orgasms 0 average and year a times less or six ff’ o “whack who people masturbaters, students. Mary’s St. region. southern the for 33% and 39% was institutions four-year for average national end. one the between variation wide The 2.15. was Mary’s St. of “sessions” per week week per “sessions” of letes, and that athletes are also significantly more likely likely more significantly also are athletes that and letes, Core The administered. was survey the before weeks or: values extreme few a indicate median and average ainly '—— — ' nationally. all. at masturbate not did Stats The was 6.13 compared to 4.7 to 4.7 compared 6.13 was liars. all were They dur­ once only it spanked year. last form as defined was masturbating Binge self-love. mutual as or chicken, the choking seed, the spilling dolphin, the ing the same period. same the ing sitting. one in orgasms five r • 29% of males queeged the flobe three or more times times more or three flobe the queeged males of • r29% Athletics: • No majority of any ethnic group choked the chicken chicken the choked group any ethnic of • majority No • Athletes reported significantly more peer pressure peer more significantly reported Athletes • ses­ self-spelunking 4.64 average per athletes Females • “encounters” 11.83 average atheletes Male • Ethnicity: pink the armed less or 20 aged people of 68% • for is 9.32 week per sessions of number •average The Kafka notes the direct correlation between athletics athletics between correlation direct the notes Kafka Gender: minimal as known is what were students of 30% • by the jizzings of 48% for account students 10%of • two the in binging reported students the of 46% • • The median number of self-pleasurings per week at week per self-pleasurings of number median •The • The average number number average The • students all of 17% • students all of 6% • some in masturbated students Mary’s St. of 83% • General Findings: General flogging pole, the squeeging as defined was yank A .... v . cidents on campus. on cidents in masturbation the of half for account 11 ----- % of the students students the of ™ ------newspaper staff, did n did staff, newspaper Me involved. not ones explo; less in engaged and other media organi media and other no the than less “faith” san the in participants involved. us but pom less used as iileaders themselves dent also and isalso p dent older, resid on-campus than non-athletes for 44% omsubt ih 64 with masturbate to hs novd bu involved Those • atcpnsi reliin Participants • Residence: Te vrg off-c average The • Natioi negatively e negatively experience ign i h in binging factors such factors ign wei binging The portant. haviors. an< lifestyle, 44% of of 44% the st that while while that yanke:binge ated to ated binge signifi were ooiy a< sorority, Professor Di Professor be to ered fiv research the women women the of 50% the r pery, but the but pery, aos surv famous tdns w students 17,000 stud stud 17,000

Frequent 1Frequent h defin The

POINT NEWS! TODAY

How much do we masturbate, anyway? 1,1999 April TODAY NEWSPOINT fcrs Average amount of masturbation in a week at SMC £

3 a , nd com-

D -O B 3

Student Mean 6.13 % reporting pressure compared to

mpus student masturbates more nts. The average commuter stu- obably has more privacy in which to enjoy themselves.

Extracurricular Activities: * Music and performing art­ sS' ists, traditionally more self-ob­ (n=number of respondees in each category) sessed than the norm, pleasured themselves more than non-per- The Reactions formance artists. Leaders in the Response to the survey has been mixed. A there was another student not willing to either. Students were most surprised, how­ music and performing arts gen­ series of Masturbation-Awareness Week admit the truth. “That way it balances out,” ever, by the association between men, ath­ erally masturbated more than activities focusing upon the survey results explains Kafka. letes, and choaking their chicken. “Those non-leaders. were poorly attended, and many students Junior Heather Kinsley commented that are a lot of the people who would probably • The 20 who self-classified are distrustful of the survey results. “It seems “The survey results are interesting in that be at the frats if they went to bigger schools,” international and language groups like they wanted to make a point-that if you they show that we aren’t that much worse said Curran. “You’d think they would be d more complex fantasies than row your dinghy, your grades are worse, than other schools. People here seem to masters of their domain.” : category. and if you don’t, you’re a better student,” have the opinion that we jerk off all the time, The Health Center, in their Masturbation- ious organizations explored their commented sophomore Michael Curran. “I like we’re machines or something, but the Awareness Week promotions, emphasized m. Leaders of such organizations could have told them that. I don’t feel like reality is that we don’t launch ^ the idea that most stu­ ation than those involved or not the results reflected the throbbing pulse of our ships any more than other dents are in the ‘major­ the campus.” institutions.” “That’s a lot of ity’ who jerk off respon­ not leaders in newspaper, radio, Many students noted that people may Junior Graham Pilato self-pleasuring sibly and do not binge. nations masturbated more than the have taken the survey as a joke, and falsi­ notes, “The results are con­ Concern over masturba­ lia leaders, especially those on the fied responses, however, the Health Center sistently above the average. for just a small tion has been raised by t masturbate at all. Ever. was quick to point out that for everyone who The statistics also don’t show number of the Health Center and the made a joke and overstated their answers the impact masturbation has people” administration this year on the community.” over past events on this ial profile of college masturbation Freshman Karissa Jones - Freshman campus, such as vandal­ was most surprised by the ism and jerking while yankers do not consider themselves to be Karissa Jones tion of binge yanking is slip- idea that 10% of the students ____ driving. Forexample,the reality is inescapable. In most problem yankers and do not seek counseling. have half the orgasms. state of Massachusetts re­ Almost half (47%) of the frequent binge orgasms in a sitting is consid- “That’s a lot of self-pleasuring for just a cently banned masturbation on all of its >inge masturbating. Harvard yankers in this study experienced five or small number of people. I don’t know how state college campuses after auto-erotic fa­ . Henry Wechsler conducted a more different masturbation-related prob­ they get any work done.” talities at Massachusetts Institute of Tech­ ey of 140 colleges and over lems since the beginning of that school year, Students, on average, were not surprised nology and the University of Massachusetts nts and reported in 1994 that such as excessive laundry bills and unplanned by the breakdown of who milks their snake at Amherst. dents binged, roommate interruptions. en and 39% of Students at schools with Cam pus Perceptions 19% of the 46% o f the college had high masturbation rates The survey found that students prefer to use several different aids while sre frequent fringed in two weeks who said they did not mas­ s. He explains turbate themselves, were masturbating. demographic prior to the survey. The more likely to experience Percentage of students who use them s sex and race national average is 39%. problems because they are Magazines 23 ;antly associ- stupid liars. Videos 35 yanking, prior A sampling of compiled Fantasies 5 gh school was even more im- reports of the events of past year due to hand­ Baywatch 37 strongest predictors of college held coitus reveal the disparity between i residence in a fraternity or bingers and non-bingers. Non-bingers expe­ 93% believe that the average student masturbates weekly while in reality only 47% do option of a party-centered rienced 26 instances of arguments or fights 83% believe that the social atmosphere at St. Mary’s promotes masturbation engagement in other risky be- compared to 103 for bingers. 27 non-bingers 49% believe that masturbation is promoted reported driving while jerking compared to 39% felt peer pressure to masturbate inge yankers are more likely to 91 for bingers. The Point News will explore 93% believe that masturbation is central to the social life of men, 77% to women, 89% to .erious health problems and the impact of masturbation in detail next atheletes, 57% to alumni, and 34% to faculty and staff feet other students. Most binge issue. 24% of the campus preferred no masturbation be available at local parties (30% nationally) 40% of students expressed concern about the level of masturbating students on campus so POINT NEWS TODAY April 1,1999 Bulletin eral agency that subsidizes unemployed unemployed subsidizes that agency eral Amalgamated Philosophers’ of federal the bureau of head McGillicutty, Elijah f h Clee s hy tn up stand they as College the of members “Join event: the of tion of oonder- Instead happen. never re­ wouldn’t they event, coming events so that that so events coming ors. chronic unemployment, frequent use, drug frequent unemployment, chronic cially alarmed by the rising number of of number rising the by alarmed cially nuac fr oepomn, h fed­ the Nonemployment, for Insurance All are welcome.” are All member. community anonomous a be will There violence. against scrip- tl read can just ing, one tin shooting like thanks But I people.” gun. my bring think, would They ing to happen. go­ was what know ally Week Awareness Safety to not or whether de­ cide they before events col­ hours spends tion pretty paper. I like col­ like I paper. pretty community College Mary’s St. existence, and spending the rest of their their of rest the spending and existence, of thinkers profound most the of some of lyet s asd y n nrae in increase an by caused is ployment of life a on out setting May, in to graduate omr hlspy tdns “’ espe­ “I’m students. philosophy former phi­ federal on strain unbearable almost story of sexual violence told by an violence story of sexual I if can Iwonder Hmm. “Safety? abet­ will have everyone up­ of details the lecting well. Plus, it's printed on really really on printed it's as Plus, well. administration the by made choices but programs, on deci­ sions staff and faculty, only student, not influenced has which stoned. lives of questions fundamental the on time all thoughts the examine to years four taking stu­ curiosity, intellectual their college indulging dents of trend nationwide a flects society. of fabric the to burden and hlspy aos t oe universities. some at majors philosophy country, the around graduates philosophy losophy unemployment programs, said said programs, unemployment losophy the Of love. of nature the about tificating pon­ while wine cheap on trashed getting okd t fyr o a for flyer a at looked just someone If attend. approximately three currently have jobs. have currently three year, last approximately degree philosophy a with ated harassing Agora, the ning around Athenian market job shrinking the with combined ter understanding of of understanding ter locals about the meaning of justice, and and justice, of meaning the about locals run­ as jobs philosophy-related such for Looking back at the past 50 years of of 50 years past the at back Looking 000 tdns ainie h gradu­ who nationwide students 10,000 Philosophy major to graduate, become burden to society to burden become graduate, to major Philosophy POINT NEWS POINT h wel publica­ weekly The years, 50 past the Over h lrigrs npiooh unem­ philosophy in rise alarming The The rise in unemployment has created created has unemployment in rise The xet sy cwrzs rdain re­ graduation Schwartz’s say Experts Philosophy major Dana Schwartz plans plans Schwartz Dana major Philosophy TODAY hs ye f ofso will confusion of type this a bthfra roommate a for bitcha has has been a constant in the a has been constant DIANE DIXON CHARLES SUTTON uue efr mom welfare future ioThe Bulle­ ioThe nOBKMUGn and Latattavaa Sanor 'Mir. 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POINT NEWS! TODAY W h in y B a s t a r d s A call for increased libel in The Point News The Point News Today Mt. St. Mary’s Girls’ Seminary We, The Point News, in order to better serve you, the St. Mary’s misrepresent don’t actually take legal action. But for you, our Tight Assed Tent College of Maryland community, have decided to make a con­ faithful readers, we will be blatantly wrong as much as we can. Phone: (301) 862-6969 certed effort to improve upon the content of the newspaper. There To ensure that we reach our goal, we’ve agreed to sign a contract Fax: (301) 862-0911 is one major area in which we hope to make great strides; stipulating that if an impartial judge deems that we’ve not in­ Email: boyznet@youngn'homy.com specifically, we’ve noticed some concern for the truth value of creased our libellous content by the promised amount, we’ll resign A d r ia n “ im pe a c h h im ” D e a l what we print in each issue. as a staff collectively and allow someone else with less experience Kansas City-Chiefs “M o n a ” L isa B r a l o v e Because we take your opinions of The Point News very seri­ to run the newspaper. By handing the paper to someone who has Bossy Bitch ously, we are proud to announce officially our plan to increase the never even written for The Point News before, we will ensure that E rin “ H o w M a n y ?” C a r m a n y amount of libel printed in the paper by 50 percent. In fact, we hope more mistakes will be made, which can only result in more libel. Likes cheese whiz to reach this lofty goal by the end of this semester. At the end of the semester, we will give a philosophy professor a D ia n e “C hix W it h ” D ix o n Has never been in a porno We understand that by increasing the amount of libel in each six-pack and the complete set of issues from this year. If last H ilary “ C linton” W o o d w a r d issue, we’re making the difficult promise to print more unfounded semester’s total amount of libel is greater than this semester’s, we Whines about shit rumors, more wild exaggerations, and more outright lies. But we will resign immediately and go work for the St. Mary's Today. H eath er “ W h a t ’s E a ting G il will try our best to achieve our goals. We are willing to guarantee We hope that you enjoy the changes we’ve made to the newspa­ bert G r a pe ” so n Also likes cheese whiz a greater proportion of misquoted sources on every single page. per, and continue to write us those angry letters that let us know D e v o n “ D av id L ee ” R o t h ’s Libel isn’t always easy to recognize, and often those whom we just how effectively we can distort the truth. C hild Is a Sammy Hagar fan B enja m in “ S l a c k e r ” W y s k id a LETTERS Is a funny clown man S ar ah “D ar ia” L off Large Editor S e a n “S a n d M ” M u ssen d en E llen “ L ibel” S cheible

A reader tries to complain about some other C harles “F uton” S utton Out to Pasture

T im “E .T . P hone” H om a n reader’s comments about another reader’s Making Copies Editor E lliot “I hate all” S cott letter to the editor about a staff writer’s ideas Gianluka Paluka Staff Concubines /Eunuchs Several months ago, The Point pelled to write a nasty response to argument used be the first reader sues brought up by the real com­ K a r e n “T w o t u r n t a b l e s News printed a letter. That’s not the original commentary, claim­ was much worse than the second mentary writers. a n d a m i c r o p h o n e ” B e c k , T ucker “W hat’s the color of my problem actually. I am instead ing it was written by “a no-talent reader’s ad hominem argument, I’d like to thank The Point News S h i t ? ” B r o w n , R e b e c c a concerned with a commentary George F. Will wannabe” who primarily because I agree with though for giving me the chance “P o o per S .” C o o p e r , M olly written six years ago. This com­ committed a “travesty of opinion the second reader. to write and clear up the confu­ “Tov C o c k t a il ” C u r t i s s , mentary was a well-thought-out opining,” which is a stupid phrase, Ultimately, I think the issue sion surrounding the original K e isha D aw son “C reek” , H al “ a to sis” D e r a n e k , exercise in analytic thinking, and if you ask me. really at stake here is the question commentary that was printed. A nnemariejuliacarolcissy - I enjoyed reading it very much. Thankfully yet another reader of who really knows anything at May all future letters be more JOANNECONCHITA ALONZO Yet apparently I was the only one decided to speak out against the all—certainly not the readers who precise and specific, so as to avoid D e R o c h e , A n d r e w F a r r is who was touched by the writer’s first reader’s cruel remarks (May respond to letters written by other this type of confusion in the fu­ “w heel” , A m a n d a F iore “ nose s t r i p s ” , M at t “ F il e t O ” careful words. 26, 1996), calling them “un­ readers (who in my opinion must ture. F is h e l , K e v i n “ B a r n e y ” Instead, The Point News re­ founded ramblings from a de­ not be very good readers if they Carol-Sue I. Ambic- F r a n k , B r i d g e t t e G a l l ceived a letter from another reader ranged, silly man.” I am of the come up with such stupid com­ Pentupmatter “B l a d d e r ” , M a r k “ K in g of t h e W o r l d ” H e r s h f i e l d , (Feb. 14, 1995) who felt com­ firm opinion that the ad hominem ments all the time) about the is­ —Senior, townhouse resident. L a u r e n “ P o r g y & ” H e s s ,

H olly “ S ch eistk ” H o f m a n n , C orrection H ea t h e r J a c k s o f f , K o r in n e An April Fool’s Day complaint, written “F ruit o f m y ” L o y n e s , J o h n In the Feb. 29. 1999 issue “tooli” M ar zulli, K im P arker of The Point News, we stated “ I d o n ’t even know her”, G r a ­ in anticipation of offensive material incorrectly that President h am “y o u say P ilato, I s a y ” Maggie O’Brien had been P il a t o , C a r a “ P a c k a g e ” R o v ie l l o , L a u r a S t e w a r t In the past few years, The Point for one person to enjoy (or so I’ve same things you do. A humor convicted of killing Dr “S m a l l e y ” , S u s a n n a h “ T he News has consistently used April heard). Why must you make light issue could include different Kervorkian and sentenced to H u m a n ” S t o rch , M ike “ 7 ,8 ,9 ” Fool’s Day, a harmless and fun- of the very act that continues our kinds of articles which are funny 25 years in jail. In reality, Dr. T e n n y s o n , A aron “ S ub” U r- loving holiday, as a forum for existence? in a clean, wholesome way. Top­ Kevorkian was actually the b a n -Z u k erber g , C arrie “ N o” W eih , H a n n a h “C ut off her their crude, unfunny, and offen­ Secondly, you insist upon ics like, “Top Ten Ways to Play one who was tried and con­ b o y f r ie n d ’s” W ood sive sense of humor. This year I mocking the fine professors of Hide and Seek with Your Dog,”or victed, and President O’ Brien Photographers thought I’d get my objections in our acclaimed institution, the very “When Religion Strikes!” or didn’t have anything offi­ S ara “A rrrrgh, l a n d o f f t h e port” B a u m a n n , M ark “I g ot early, so as to avoid the rush of professors who teach you how to even, “Amusing Practical Jokes cially to do with the “assisted s o d r u n k a n d p a s s e d o u t on letters that will surely come into write the smut you put in your to Play on the Homeless,” can all suicide,” which the courts t h e ” B u e n a f l o r , M e g h a n “I your hands after the public is paper. Wait, that didn’t come out reach a wide audience and still classified as illegal. GOT TWO FIRST NAMES” JOHN, once again subjected to your “hu­ right. What I mean to say is that not offend anyone. Please con­ In the Nov. 31,1999 issue B rice “T he V irgin” M a r y m a n , mor” issue. you should be a little more grate­ sider taking the high road once. we accidently labelled the M alia “M an O ” W aro First of all, why, oh why, must ful to those who spend their lives Pavilion as the Big-Ass Tent. W. N eil N B ob Irwin you use sex and its related sub­ trying to educate and enlighten Oh, wait. That wasn’t a mis­ Republican jects for simplistic jokes? Sex is you. Maude Flanders take. Jon “Ice C ream ” B radbard a beautiful, sacred experience Finally, I’d like to remind you — Concerned Springfield resi­ We also inappropriately Josh “ B G o sh ” D avis Staff Gimps between two people, or one even that not everyone cares about the dent, dutiful wife used sports lingo when try- L auren “H erm an” H ess i ng to create some semblance Funkmaster General of a Sports section. It’s just B rice “L ice” M a r ym an Obligatory Disclaimer that none of us have ever Office bitch This the place where we remind you that as this is the April Fool’s issue been in a “tourney” before. D r . R obin “the cr a d le” B a te s of the newspaper. You may want to question the veracity of the content And finally in an issue we Head Dude therein. All jokes were meant to be funny, though due to legal reasons, we haven’t yet printed, we will In recent years this part »/The Point make 50 percent more mis­ News staff box has been funny. Nope. are unable to make any guarentees as to their actual humor value. Finally, takes than we should have. Not this year. Just turn right back around to the top of the page. In fact, we wish you a happy April Fool’s. May your beds be short-sheeted and your The Point News does not you can kiss our office in the big ass tent. toilet seats covered in saran wrap. regret any of these errors; in Send us a letter. Go ahead. You know fact, we rather enjoyed them. who the last person was that sent us a -The editors o f The Point News letter? Lyndon Johnson. What about him? H e’s DEAD. That’s a warning to you. You can try and call us, but our machine says really nasty things on it. About your mother. Suck on that nerd- boy. Go home and cry to your little doll. 8 Thursday, April 1,1999 T he W a s h in g t o n P r o v o s t SMC President Implicated in Alumni Lodge-Gate Cover-up (HILARY)/¥ TIT A n X WOODWARDJ 1/ A If II & r. nsigned * m /~l 4 from- ** /a ftheir positions m f i rv M p ao AoTSncemeincement, *-» 4- BrianU rt m Clarke I n •• I/- /> (ANDREW) BERNSTEIN month ago after White House leaked that document to The En­ editorials editor and special contributor staffers were connected with the terprise, which published the to The Point News scandal. piece. Brian Clarke’s office was The Alumni Lodge-Gate scan- later burglarized by the plumb­ ST. MARY’S CITY, MD— dal surfaced almost four years ers, at the command of O’Brien’s Seri Wilpone, Assistant to the ago when five men, one of whom top aides, according to sources President, has told Board of said he used to work for Public close to the Board of Trustees Trustee investigators that she dis- Safety, were arrested at 2:30 a.m. investigators. cussed aspects of the Alumni trying to bug the Alumni Lodge Other conspiracies to gather in­ Lodge-Gate scandal with Jane where candidate interviews for telligence information through Margaret O’ Brien or in the pres- the presidency were to take place. Public Safety about President ence of President O’Brien on at Interviews with candidates Dr. O’Brien’s opponents have also least 35 occasions between Janu­ Borden Painter and Dr. Bill been linked to the plumbers and ary and March of this year, ac­ Durden were set to take place in the president’s advisors. Mel Top: At a recent Board of Trustees meeting, President cording to reliable sources. the Alumni Lodge in the coming Endy, former Provost, has been O’Brien holds center stage. Assistant to the President, Wilpone plans to testify under days. connected with a secret fund that Seri Wilpone, sits to her left. oath at the Board financed Bottom Left: Then presidential candidate Jane Margaret of Trustee’s Trustee Ben Bradlee, who is also the CREAM. When O’Brien hits the campaign trail. President O’Brien is said Alumni Lodge- former e(m or an(( current Vice-President- questioned to have been aware of the break-in and wiretapping of the Gate hearings, re- J about the ties Alumni Lodge during the interviews and selection process gardiess of at-large of The Washington Post,expressed from CREAM in 1995. whether she is ^ ^{smay af fhe implications of Alumni fundraising to Upper Bottom Right: Executive Vice-President of granted full im- ** ' . J the Alumni Administration, John Underwood. munity from pros- Lodge-Gate: God Dammit! Lodge-Gate Lower Bottom Right: Dean of Student Affairs, Michael K. ecution, and will burglars, Mel Freeman. Both men acted as advisors to the president and allege that President O’Brien was The break-in was first linked to Endy, the former Provost and participated, according to Seri Wilone’s testimony, in deeply involved in the cover-up, President O’Brien, who was then current head of CREAM, discussions about the Alumni Lodge-Gate cover-up. the sources said. candidate O’Brien, and the Com­ stated,“That Adrian Deal is go­ Wilpone has told investigators mittee for the Rightful Election ing to get his tit caught in the that O’Brien had prior knowl­ of Almighty Maggie (CREAM) ringer!” edge of payments used to buy the when it was discovered that one Executive secretary to the presi­ silence of the Alumni Lodge-Gate of the Alumni Lodge burglars’ dent, Vivian Jordan, also declined conspirators and of offers of ex- bankaccountcontaineda$25,000 to comment on Wilpone’s allega­ ecutive clemency extended in her cashier’s check earmarked for tions, though she did say that the name, the source said. CREAM. president maintains her innocence Wilpone is also said to claim Through a series of connec- in the scandal. that Executive Vice-President of tions from the original break-in, Trustee Ben Bradlee, who is Administration John Underwood many White House staffers were also the former editor and current and Dean of Student Affairs implicated as “plumbers,” named Vice-President-at-large of The Michael Freeman, two of the for their role in plugging leaks in Washington expressed his president’s top advisors, were the administration. The most dismay at the implications of also present for and participated damaging and public leak is the Alumni Lodge-Gate: “God in the discussions concerning the secret report written by the White Dammit!” break-in at the Alumni Lodge House discussing why St. Mary’s Wilpone is set to testify within The William and subsequent cover-up. College has such a small endow­ a few weeks. Donald Underwood and Freeman re­ ment. Former Vice-President of Schaefer Third Urinal From the The Green Door Right is a popular invites you for a night of stop on Open House tours. drinking and partying The urinal, pictured at left, is a underage style! 'part of the College’s Bring this fake I.D. to The Green new named-gift initiative. Door, located on Rt. 5, According Legal Identification to and we promise to let Birth Date: 3-19-78 Dorchester / Height: 5-07 RHC Brice you in and not make Eyes: Brown-Blue Maryman, Robin Pat Mirra it’s a 222 Great Head Ct. favorite of you feel icky or East Marsh Wl, the 32465 ------I residents of immoral about it! Third right.