President Promises New Car to Combat Declining Enrollment

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Volume 69+69, Dinner for four President promises new car to combat declining enrollment By Heather Seely "When Daddy pointed out to me that it News Goddess "Well, most of the students we only cost $4,000 more per year to attend Harvard, I decided why not," high school Citing high costs as the primary reason, surveyed on why they did not decide senior Stew Dent gabbed. over half. of the already small number of to come here said that rising tuition "Not that it really matters much to me students who were granted enlistment into was a big factor., but we are still since Daddy is paying anyway, but he said the university declined the offer. working on developing theories as to it was a better business investment, and I "Apparently students finally figured out need to learn these things if I am going to how damn expensive this school is," junior the real cause. We primarily think it is take over his company," Dent complained Rich Whitekid extolled. the poor performance of our athletic with a scowl. The admissions office, however, was teams." President Tea Kake, however, automati left scrambling for alternative theories that cally blamed the admissions office, claim could possibly make the school look bet Rob Silver ing they had "poor and unaggressive" re ter. Admissions Director cruiting techniques and that the office, as a "Well, most ofthe students we surveyed whole, "sucks." on why they did not decide to come here Kake decided to take matters into his said that rising tuition was a big factor," missioned the admissions office. to come own hands and devised the Plan for the admissions director Rob Silver said, "but up with something else. Class of 2004, which automatically got we are still working on developing theo The admissions office passed the task on rubber-stamped by his fishing buddies on ries as to the real cause. We primarily think to ERRORMARK employees. the Bored Trustees. it is the poor performance of our athletic Sid the salad guy presented his findings In the plan, Kake plans to woo students teams." to the trustees yesterday. by giving each freshman a new Lexus and In response to this theory, the football According to his research~ after tuition replacing it when they are juniors. Al team has replaced the basketball team. has more than doubled in the past decade, though Kake said the cars do not help the Don Beat' em, the basketball head coach, reaching the heights oflvy League schools, learning environment of the school, he reasoned that "if we can't beat the other many prospective students realized that for explained they add to the campus beautifi teams, at least we can scare the shit out of a couple thousand dollars more they could cation by replacing some ofthe "old, cheap them." attend a well-known university in a real cars our poor students drive." Kristen Nancey/ However, the Bored Trustees decided town instead of a small, southern school in Who needs a silly little FrinkPad when this approach was inadequate and has com- a hick town. See Lexus, Page 2 you could get a Lexus instead? ·Plans for Year of Gluttony in works for 2000 By Travis Langdon compiled, the committee will ultimate party, but I think our stu Cow Jamboree," "The 72-hour cated students are more likely to ~Vonder Dogg make a collective decision about dent body expects a lot more than Grain Alcohol Love-In" and "Il complacently obey any regulations which one best suits the univer that," Egghead said. "The way I licit Drug Experimentation Week or restrictions that the administra With the "Year ofGlobalization sity. see it, if we're still around on Jan. end." tion chooses to implement, and, if and Diversity" drawing to a close The first recommendation I, 2000, then we probably have a However, the administration has they chose not to, at least they will and the university anticipating the came from a survey conducted full I ,000 years before we have to its own ideas about what approach know the consequences. events scheduled as part of the by Sloppy Government, and is even consider facing the angry to take with the year's theme. Presi "At this point, the most impor impending "Year of Science and tentatively called "The Year of wrath ofGod. By then, we'll all be dent T .K. Horny suggested "The tant thing is just making sure stu Technology,"thethemeyearcom Gluttony and Intoxication." Jun dead and gone, so I say 'Let's live year of systematic manipulation dents know that their time as free mittee is currently hard at work ior Susie Egghead, the president it up."' by college universities" as a pos thinking individuals is truly lim • trying to determine what theme of SG, said that she feels the SG'spreliminary outline for the sible way to let students know the ited," Horny said. will represent the year of2000-0 1. theme will appropriately reflect year includes several campus plans that the administration has "We realize that we made a big To ensure that the interests of all the sense ofrevelry and reckless wide parties, hosted by visiting for them. mistake by ever giving students are at least considered, the theme over-indulgence that the student students from larger universities Horny said that the idea arose any freedom in the first place, and year committee is taking sugges body expects for the upcoming with more extensive experience from his frustration at watching the time has come for us to do tions from various groups on cam millennium. in having fun. Special events for students resist the university's ef something about it. If you give a pus and in the university area. Once "A lot of people expect New the year are to include "Party Like fort to control all aspects of cam all of the recommendations are Year's Eve in 1999 to be the a Rock Star Week," "The Eat a pus life. According to Horny, edu- See Gluttony, Page 2 2Thursday~ April1, 1999 Same Old Schmack Ooze 0 nation and Homogeneity." The - Other ideas in the works organization hopes to collabo ,. Gluttony rate with other supremacy groups 3 new sororities include "The Year of in the Winston-Salem area to Solicited Sex in America," infonn students about the ben Continued from Page 1 "The Year of Destruction efits of an Arian society. .. and Anarchy," "The Year of The group is concerned that student an inch, he' 11 take a mile, white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant mean triple fun!! and I think this theme year would Dirty Syringes and Filth," students are becoming entirely be a big step in helping us tighten "The Year of Environmental too tolerant ofothers and need to the reins." Apathy," "The Year of understand the feasibility ofwhat In keeping with the year's they call "a pure nation." c1 Sisters to 11Ulke life easier for freshmen theme, new rules will be im Tobacco" and "The Year of Other ideas in the works in w posed and more privileges will NASCAR and Professional clude "TheYear ofSolicited Sex tc By Heather Seely be taken away until it is deter Wrestling." in America," "The Year of De rn Don't hate me; it's only a joke "You don't have to worry mined that students are no longer struction and Anarchy," "The ti: IUIIIIItCIIIUUOfiiUIUIIDIUIIIIIIIIfll 21FIIIIIII~C! IIIIIIIIIIIUIIIIIIIIIUII!tOIHIIIIIIUIIIIU Year of Dirty Syringes and about making friends or acting on their own impulses. Because ofthe increasingly high Although Horny has not fin Filth," "The Year of Environ g~ pledge class, the Panhellenic Coun which parties to attend, ished compiling his list of ideas, divisional requirements. mental Apathy," "The Year of ~ cil voted to add three new sorori because you pay for all of some changes expected to occur Several other ideas are also Tobacco" and "The Year of S< being given serious consider NASCAR and Professional . ties and a fall Rush for freshmen. that in your pledge fee." will include the instillation of Sl Senior Buffy Ho, the president video cameras in all off-campus ation by the theme year commit Wrestling." tr of Panhell, said adding the sorori Ally Koholic student residencies, mandatory tee. The committee expects to T ties and fall Rush would allow President of Kappa Epsilon Gamma lights out at 10 p.m. and the One theme suggested by the reach a decision by the end ofthe IS freshmen girls more options to find inclusion ofa course called "The Eastborough Baptist Church as year so that its members can group affiliation earlier. importance of blind adherence a response to this year's theme head to Myrtle Beach for post G "Freshman year can be a tough Junior Donna Spelling, presi to authority" into the university's was "The Year of Global Domi- exams. time. There are so many decisions dent of Sigma Alpha Kappa, of "sc to make, and you often feel like fered an explanation of why so E you don't fit in," Ho said. "If girls rorities were becoming so popular "I think it is ludicrous," sophomore Mary Spoild join sororities within the first on campus.

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