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fttmtp Hitmh VOL. 40OZ. NO.3 THIS HOUR PUBLISHED BY A WET BAG OF MICE AT 4:09 AM APRIL 13,1999 Hillary Clinton Replaces Dobelle As President husband would be joining her on campus, stating, "Am I the BY DEEP THROAT in her move to Hartford, only one worried? 1 am an at- Whistleblower Rodham Clinton refused to tractive young woman, and I comment. Aides later stated don't think he would be able to Ending months of specula- that a final decision had not control himself around me." tion concerning her plans fol- been reached, but it is expected Another student added, "Will it lowing the end of her husband's that Rodham Clinton will re- still be safe to wear my party presidency, First Lady Hillary side in the President's House pants to the Party Barn?" Rodham Clinton announced in while Bill lives off campus near In addition to assuming the a Friday press conference that the Kappa House. responsibilities of the presi- she will assume the presidency Discussing her plans for Trin- dency, Rodham Clinton plans to of Trinity College in Fall 2001. ity College, Rodham Clinton teach a first-year seminar en- Until last week, national me- stated, "I believe Evan has done titled "Standing By Your Man: dia believed that Rodham a wonderful job leading the stu- How to Endure Public Humili- Clinton was preparing to cam- dents, faculty and administra- ation After Your Bastard of a paign for a New York Senate seat tion of the college. But I will put Husband Cheats on You." Her being vacated in 2000. Explain- the Liberal back into the liberal husband will also be teaching ing her decision for not running, arts, and make this a college a senior seminar in the Rodham Clinton cited a CNN- worth attending." Women's Studies Department NY Times Poll that estimated 78 President Clinton appeared called, "Redefining Sexual Eth- percent of New Yorkers felt New via satellite during the press ics for the 21st Century: It Ain't York City Mayor Rudolph TRINrrYCOIXEGE conference. Expressing support Immoral If It's Oral." Giuliani would kick her ass in for his wife's decision, he stated, Commenting on bringing the theelection. "Look, if they want "Trinity College is a wonderful liberal First Lady to Trinity, the a racist, ignorant, authoritarian institution. Evan has explained President of the College Repub- Hillary Clinton announces that she will assume the for a Senator, that's their how the students work and play licans stated, "It's not that 1 don't Presidency of Trinity College in January 2001. business...those aren't the kind hard, and that's a philosophy I support her, but discussing of people I want to represent," she will bring tremendous en- tency drug Viagra. "We may be could really get behind. Trinity plans to abolish our organiza- Rodham Clinton stated. ergy to the position, and I wish at opposite ends of the political has some of the most intelligent tion is going a bit too far. I mean, Also present at the press con- her all the best." Discussing his spectrum, but impotence cuts and best looking co-eds in the it's not our fault that her hus- ference was current Trinity plans after leaving Trinity^ across party lines. Together country, and I'm looking for- band was impeached by Con- President Evan Dobelle. "I've Dobelle announced that he Bob and I will advocate a bipar- ward to making contact with gress. I'm very afraid that her known Hillary for a number would be joining former Senate tisan solution to sexual dys- each and every one of them." presidency will become a totali- years, since we were both Re- Majority Leader Bob Dole in function" One student expressed con- tarian regime advocating lib- publicans. I am confident that promoting the sexual impg- Wh^nasked whgtherher #l eral ideologies,"» Milosevic Named New Director Of Project 2002 The Pentagon Responds By Asking For NATO A irstrikes Against Strategic Sites On Campus Master Plan, which now in- provide Trinity with the kind of concerned about possible hu- sues with the Health Center." BY GEORGE F. WILL cludes relocation of all fresh- press that money simply can't man rights abuses at Trinity, In his first action as Executive s JL Famous Trinity Alum/ man to the North Campus buy." and urged all students to wear ^ Ex-Tripod Editor Director, Milosevic nullified the Internment Center. Many members of the Trinity blue jeans or black party pants results of Thursday's SGA elec- Lame-duck SGA President Community were outraged by in protest. tions, and appointed Mahoney In a surprise announcement, William Mahoney '99 believes the hiring, especially consider- Vice President for Student President for life. Milosevic also Yugoslov President Slobodan this action will grant seniors the ing it occurred over Spring Services Sharon Herzberger, officially closed the border be- Milosevic was named the new land which is rightfully theirs. Break. Chair of the Search Committee, tween Trinity and Frog Hollow, Executive Director of Trinity's "Of course some people will be "It's scandalous," said Ameri- claimed that she has heard no setting up armed checkpoints Project 2002. inconvenienced," said Mahoney, can Studies professor Jerry negative reaction from students on Summit Street and Allen Milosevic replaces Jim "but when we're through, Trin- Watts, about Milosevic and would not Place. Mullen, who recently defected ity will be the model Liberal "The hiring of Slobodan comment on the record about U.S Secretary of State to be Chancellor of the Hartford Arts republic in this region." Milosevic certainly puts the dis- the hiring. Madeline Albright quickly de- Liberation Army (HLA). Trinity President Evan appearance of Dean of Faculty Later, in a carefully crafted nounced the hiring of Milosevic According a Trinity press re- Dobelle said, "Mr. Milosevic has Raymond Baker in a new light," statement, Herzberger said, "I and called upon NATO to au- lease, Milosevic was hired based made some mistakes in the past, said History professor Eugene look forward to working with thorize military action against on his "ten years of experience but his credentials are out- Leach. Mr. Milosevic on the alcohol see WAR CRIMINAL on with neighborhood revitaliza- standing. His reputation as a Janet from ConnPirg was policy, housing policy, and is- inside back cover tion in the former Yugoslavia." ruthless war monger and mur- In his new position, Milosevic derer does not signal a change •. .1 will be charged with imple- to our mission in the commu- menting the first stages of the nity. Besides, this hiring will Inside This Week's Issue • ...-,•,.. Tr_ mimiirr Patrick Noonan discusses intellectualism at Trinity News 40 oz. Slap. Slap again. Jen Dare on bondage m&..:£- Opinion PS- 69 Trinity College: A Bevy of Whores? Features ext. 2974 Nude pictoral of Bradley Dallas Arts www.otripp.com The return of Around Trinity Announcements. PS-18 Ten-page spread on Women's Basketball New Executive Director of Project 2002 Slobodan Milosevic greets Rev. Sports..... ..yeah, right Jesse Jackson and President Evan Oobelle at Jackson's speech in February. PACE 2 OPINION THE TRINITY LIEPOD -APRIL 13,1999 $Wl ftnfoftt* FROM THE GREAT UNWASHED I Have Dr. Armageddon To the Editor: Number three, the anarchy Jennifer "Vladimir" Antoniazzi '99 infected lair and office of The Ian "Che" Lang'99 Liepod, which bulges on this EL CAPITAN As you fools were partying MISUNDERSTOOD VICTIM and making merry last week- campus like a festering boil, end 1 put my genius to work and shall be torched and burned. As LIARS THE COOK kidnapped your beloved Dr. Ar- the flames climb high into the Kristen "Mao" Burns '02 Renay "Fidel" Smallcomb '01 Rocio "Jean d'Arc" Herrera '99 mageddon. That's right, you night sky Trinity will be puri- will never see or hear from him fied of their retched stench of WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DO, EITHER THE THIEF again unless Trinity meets my anti-authoritananism. Dan "Idi" Bennan '01 Devin "Margaret Thatcher" Pharr '00 Chad "Josef M. Bennett '00 demands. 1 promise no harm Number four, the old Liepod will come to him if you follow a office shall be replaced with the UNINFORMED RANTS His WIFE few very easy steps. Project 2002 Office, also known fames "Karl" Griffith '99 Andrew "Robespierre" Weiss'01 Andrew "Pol Pot" Pearl '02 Number one, you will leave as The Trinity Information Min- $1,000,000 in a large plain istry (TIM). The new space will brown shopping bag in the be perfect for this group to carry WNBAFANHS HER LOVERS form of small unmarked bills out its mission to help Trinity Colin "Augustus" Ruane '01 Stark "Spartacus" Tovmend '01 John "Top" Akin '01 Owen "CromvxWTripp '01 under the tricolored flag on and the outside world better re- Vernon Street. late to each other. Over the past POP CULTURE REPORTING SHE KILLED AROUND TRINITY Number two, since The Lie- few years TIM has worked tire- Beth "Stonewall" Gilligan '01 Virginia "Lee" Lacefield W Katherine "Nero" Khnber '02 pod has so recently become the lessly to institute the Strategic voice of unwarranted rebellion Plan. TIM will expand until its PORNSTARS and bolshevism, we demand glorious task is fulfilled and all Katie "Saddam" Bryant'01 Andrew "Subcommander Marcos" Shepard '01 The Mosaic be named the new is homogenized. official school publication. The If these demands are met, Dr. ANCIENT MEMORIES: Ernesto C. "Ho Chi Minh" Anguilia'99, Julianna "H Duce" Bogdanski '99, Mosaic presents a more honest Armageddon will be returned Jason "Washington" Gabriele '99, Lisa " Thomas Paine" Harrison '99, Katie "Kane" Kurz '99 appraisal of the Trinity com- immediately and with out SPEL TCHECKERZ: Brian "Quadaffi"Price '99, Terry "Yasir" Rijkin '99, Justin "Khomeni" Smith munity than The Liepod's in- harm, or else you will find his '99 surrectionist intellectuals.

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