Human Blade Runner 2049, the New Dystopia And
Total Page：16
File Type：pdf, Size：1020Kb
Friday 06.10.17 Friday Are friends electric?Blade Runner 2049, the new dystopia and what it means to be human Marina Hyde Seagal v Foreman Terence Trent D’Arby AKA Sananda Maitreya Kristin Scott Thomas Brexit stage left Saving Tom Cruise In 10 easy steps! 12A Lost in Showbiz George Foreman fi ghting Steven Seagal in Las Vegas would be the cultural event our troubled times sorely need By Marina Hyde t has become a clich e of the George Foreman because he was demoted to chef after inventor and blues guitarist . Ditto the era to say we are getting what fi ghts Steven a bungled special forces operation to headlines he drew for his stint as an I we deserve. We get the politi- Seagal in our take out General Noriega. Arizona border-control guard – as part cians we deserve, we get the fevered But at this stage, whe n Seagal of the “posse” of recently pardoned presidents we deserve, we get imaginings; has pointedly yet to respond and horror sheriff Joe Arpaio – following the world we deserve. Without getting (facing page) everything still seems possible, which Seagal was accused of killing overly L’Oreal advert about it all, surely Sylvester let’s get down to the background. a puppy during a raid on a house. we deserve a respite from these just Stallone in A few days ago, former two-time (“Animal abuser is a role I will not des erts? Can’t something hilarious Rocky Balboa heavyweight champion of the world accept,” ran a rebuttal that primarily and magical come along that we can and noted countertop grill retailer reminded completists like me of all the all welcome with open arms, realising George Foreman took to Twitter to roles he has accepted. Some of the later that we are, without question, getting issue a challenge to cinema’s Steven performances are arguably on a par the thing that we deserve – and that it Seagal . As all of us adrift on the strange with canicide.) is good? tides of early 21st-century culture And of course there is more – so Yes. Yes it can. George Foreman has should know, Seagal is something of much more. Just when you think you challenged Steven Seagal to a proper a renaissance man himself , combining know him, Seagal unfurls himself fi ght . This is the cultural event that age-inappropriate, straight-to- gif in another direction. Crimea expert . should have you telling yourself action roles with functioning both Ukrainian national security threat . “because I’m worth it”. Clearly, the as a hench-sensei/fat best friend Aikido trainer to the Serbian special best time to enjoy it is at this dare-to- to Vladimir Putin, and as an occa- forces . Like a series of lotus blossoms, dream stage because I sense that one of sional spokesmodel for the Russian his career decisions constantly rise the parties may ultimately decide the arms industry . above the shitty waters in which they bout can’t go ahead. Maybe because That is not the half of it, although germinated. And then they die and he’s too good. Maybe because he’s space constraints mean we must rot away again, and it all really stinks afraid of hurting the other guy. Maybe gloss over his stint as an energy drink somehow much, much worse than it 2 The Guardian 06.10.17 On the web Take part in these important debates theguardian.com/lostinshowbiz did before. But I think the message is “How did this guy get into motion the eternal cycle, or something. pictures?”, you may like to know that Anyhow, on to Foreman’s challenge, he used to train legendary former Crea- which may or may not be provoked tive Artists Agency overlord Michael by Seagal’s recent outburst on Good Ovitz. Seagal’s stardom is largely down Morning Britain . Beamed in from to the fact that Ovitz couldn’t have Moscow, where he now lives, he raged a single second of the day where he about US athletes taking the knee in wasn’t packaging some kind of deal, protest , declaring: “I myself have risked including at 5am or whatever ungodly my life countless times for the American hour he was shouting “judo CHOP!” at fl ag.” Mmm. As a young Katherine Heigl Steven, probably in some Beverly Hills reveals in Under Siege 2: Dark Terri- aerobics studio where the part of “the tory: “Uncle Casey’s got medals at home Far East” was played by a silver bell and that are so secret he can never show three jossticks. A star was born – and the them to anybody.” No doubt, no doubt. rest, as they say, is history. Seagal certainly has a purple heart in Seagal has a Seagal, with both of them clocking in It’s certainly in the past, anyway, with dismissing domestic abuse lawsuits. seventh dan a little older than the age that Rocky Seagal’s activities these days confi ned to Shortly after this well-publicised got back into the ring in Rocky Balboa. touring Russian schools and arms fairs rant, and indeed after the mass black belt Which was pretend. with Putin, cheerleading for Trump and shooting in Las Vegas, Foreman in aikido Weight? Look ... I’m not sure we explaining impatiently to western media tweeted: “Steven Seagal, I challenge and a 10th dare speculate here. George’s grill obvi- that all governments dick around with you, one on one. I use boxing, you can ously indicates an interest in retaining other countries’ elections (I paraphrase use whatever. 10 rounds in Vegas.” dan in lean muscle, while in his DVD outings, slightly). Foreman’s history is a little Well. I think you’ll agree those few making it Seagal is mostly shot in shadow so dark more ... well, seriously historical. characters contain multitudes, but the sound like it makes Marlon Brando’s lair in Apoca- Still, there you have it. Think of big-fi ght trash talk has been formally lypse Now look striplit. the buildup. Think of the training opened with that “you can use what- he was In terms of other liabilities, Seagal’s montages. Think of the press confer- ever”. As students of Seagal’s work will given his widow’s peak is now being compre- ences. Think of the undercard (prefer- know, Steven has a seventh dan black powers by hensively out-acted by even John ence: Holyfi eld-Van Damme). Think of belt in aikido, and a 10th dan in making Travolta’s, and he may be terrifi ed the ponytail lumbering for the hills. it sound like he was given his powers the Buddha of experiencing something of what It’s not going to happen in Vegas, but by Buddha at a mountain rendezvous Andre Agassi went through during the perhaps some ambitious dictator might in Nepal, sometime between the 1990 French Open fi nal . As the tennis oblige and stage it, as Mobutu Sese mid-Mahajanapada era and the North star later revealed, there’d been some Seko did for the Rumble in the Jungle? American theatrical release of Above kind of toupee malfunction the night Perhaps Putin could use it as a World the Law . He has spent a lifetime talking before, resulting in him squaring up to Cup curtain-raiser next year? After up his “whatever”, whil e always Andrés Góme z with it held together by all, Seagal now seems a wholly owned remaining suffi ciently adaptable to paperclips, and being so worried about subsidiary of the Russian state, rather improvise a weapon from a bar towel, his rug coming off that he lost. like Ivan Drago, and could be introduced microwave or Native American some- On the plus side, Seagal is a sort as fi ghting out of his home town of thing-or-other. To hear this art form of demigod, having been formally Moscow. That might swing the scales in – the sweet pseudoscience – dismissed declared a tulku (a reincarnated lama) his favour (probably literally). Though as “whatever” by Foreman will surely by the oldest sect of Tibetan Buddhism. this would obviously be a contest less send him up the wall. That may come with powers of which morally shaded than even Rocky IV. As Where better to settle this than the we are as yet unaware. for the name of this epochal meeting, ring? While Seagal desperately tries He is, however, slightly less known it should be thrown open to all of us to come up with credible and face- for actual fi ghting than George prospective pay-per-viewers. I’ll start saving answers to that question – and Foreman. Seagal’s martial artistry was the ball rolling with the Oh-No in the Foreman continues to goad him – we only brought to a wider audience by his Dojo and the Twatting on the Matting, should consider the tale of the tape. At most famous client. Yes, if you’ve ever and invite further suggestions at your 68, Foreman is three years older than watched a Seagal movie and wondered earliest convenience. GETTY/GUARDIAN DESIGN; ALLSTAR DESIGN; GETTY/GUARDIAN SONY PICTURES PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHS COVER COVER 06.10.17 The Guardian 3 n the face of it, dystopian movies are the hardest sell in cinema. Who O wants to see a fi lm telling you that everything goes wrong and we all live miserably ever after? But increasingly, it seems, that is what we want to see, looking at recent hit sagas such as The Hunger Games , Planet of the Apes , Divergent and now a Blade Runner sequel .