Charlie Hale Copyright and Licensing

Playing Around

A Short Introduction to Kink for the Curious Charlie Hale Copyright and Licensing

This book is provided under the CC BY-NC-ND license: You can share it as much as you like, as long as as you don’t modify it or use it for commercial purposes.

Further details on the CC BY-NC-ND license can be found here: http://creativecommons.org/ licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/

If you feel like tipping/donating1, you can use my paypal email address ([email protected]) or, if there’s some other way you’d like to throw money at me, send me an email and I’ll try to accommodate it.

Charlie Hale

Charlie is a blogger and activist for LGBT/QUILTBAG, feminism, BDSM and polyamory issues. They’re a Computer Scientist, pervert and all-round nerd. Email [email protected] Primary Blog Feminist Halestorm: http://www.charliehale.net

Tumblr Feminist Halestorm Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.charliehale.net Twitter @C Halestorm: http://www.twitter.com/C_Halestorm

Credit Xandra George The main editor for this book. Thank you for nagging me to write, editing, and providing encouragement and cuddles.

Max Watson Thanks to Max Watson for being an incredibly pedantic editor.

1Someone, on being shown a draft, declared “let me give you money!” and I was very confused.

2 Contents

1 Introduction to Kink and BDSM 5 1.1 BDSM? ...... 5 1.2 Jargon ...... 6 1.3 So - What Are You Into? ...... 7 1.4 Dominants and submissives, Tops and Bottoms, Switches and More...... 7 1.5 Bedroom Play and the BDSM Scene ...... 8

2 Doing It Right! 9 2.1 Consent and Communication ...... 9 2.1.1 Consent ...... 9 2.1.2 Communication ...... 10 2.1.3 Negotiation ...... 10 2.2 Safety ...... 10 2.2.1 Learn about your toys ...... 10 2.2.2 Safety equipment ...... 10 2.2.3 Plan for the worst ...... 11 2.2.4 Safewords & safesigns ...... 11 2.2.5 Safer sex ...... 11 2.2.6 Playing while drunk or under the inﬂuence of drugs ...... 12 2.3 Pain: Hurt and Harm ...... 12 2.4 Types of Pain ...... 12 2.5 Aftercare ...... 13 2.6 Your Kink Is Not My Kink ...... 13

3 Ideas and Activities 14 3.1 Bondage and Restraints ...... 14 3.1.1 Basic bondage safety ...... 14 3.1.2 Cuﬀs ...... 15 3.1.3 Rope ...... 15 3.1.4 . . . and after they’re restrained? ...... 15 3.2 Roleplay ...... 15 3.2.1 Roleplay basics ...... 15 3.2.2 Ideas ...... 16 3.2.3 Costumes and props ...... 16 3.3 Painful Things! ...... 16 3.3.1 Impact play basics & safety ...... 16 3.3.2 Spanking ...... 17 3.3.3 Paddling ...... 17 3.3.4 Flogging ...... 18 3.3.5 Caning ...... 18

3 3.3.6 Pegs and clamps ...... 19 3.4 Less (or differently) Painful Things ...... 19 3.4.1 Sensation play basics & safety ...... 19 3.4.2 Temperature play ...... 19 3.4.3 Being nice and fluffy ...... 20 3.4.4 Pinwheels ...... 20

4 Further resources 21 4.1 Books ...... 21 4.1.1 General reading ...... 21 4.1.2 Rope bondage ...... 21 4.2 Blogs and websites ...... 22 4.3 Shops ...... 22

4 Chapter 1

Introduction to Kink and BDSM

You would expect that the success of Fifty Shades of Grey and the springing up of a thousand different copycats would be considered a good thing by kinksters. After all, it means that BDSM is more socially acceptable and that more people than ever will be discovering their interests in kink. Not so much, however: the general consensus of people in the BDSM community is that Fifty Shades of Grey portrays BDSM badly and - more importantly - exposes people who may be interested in experimenting to unhealthy and dangerous ideas about how to go about it. That is what this book is about. If you are reading this, you probably have some sort of interest in experimenting with kink - perhaps you yourself have read Fifty Shades of Grey or similar and found yourself intrigued, or perhaps you’ve caught yourself fantasising. Whatever the case, this book will serve as an introduction in how to - and how not to - get into kink. Misportrayals of kink are depressingly common and I recommend you try and put any information or ideas you have about kink from mainstream sources out of your mind. This book isn’t for experienced BDSM practitioners - I do oversimplify and skim over things in places, so please don’t come and burn my house down! On the other hand, if you wish to comment on or correct something (or, indeed, tell me how wonderful it was) you can find my contact details at the start of this book. This book comes in five main parts. This is the introduction which goes over basic concepts and def- initions. Chapter 2 is all about doing it right - that is, safely and consensually. Chapter 3 talks about some things you might want to try out some time. Chapter 4 is a list of other resources that you can find information in. Disclaimer: While I’m trying to provide information about how to experiment with BDSM safely and consensually, the author accepts no liability for any fuck ups.

1.1 BDSM?

While BDSM technically stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism, it actually encompasses a huge number of activities that are “kinky” - you probably have some ideas about what this entails: whips, chains, cages, rope, spanking, leather, PVC, etc. A range of. . . unusual activities which consenting people participate in for mutual enjoyment. You may get bored of me saying this throughout this book (especially in section 2.1), but it’s absolutely essential: if all parties are not consenting to what is going on, it is not BDSM; it is unethical, abusive, and illegal. Before we go into more specifics, let’s look further at what “BDSM” actually means - the acronym is a funny one - it consists of three different acronyms in one: B&D - Bondage and discipline. Bondage - Enjoyment of restraining and/or being restrained. This can be done in a number of ways: handcuffs, leather straps and cuffs, rope, bondage tape, chain and so on.

5 Discipline - A mental and psychological aspect of BDSM. Refers to enjoyment of giving and following orders. D/s - Domination and submission - Enjoyment derived from consensual exchange of power between partners. Typically, one partner takes the submissive role; and the other, the dominant role (see section 1.4) - this can be for a short period of time for a scene or over a longer period of time in a more permanent arrangement.1 S&M - Sadism, masochism or sadomasochism. Sadism - Enjoyment from giving2 pain to a consenting partner. Masochism - Enjoyment from receiving pain. Note that this (usually) doesn’t refer to enjoying everything painful: for instance, it is the very odd masochist who enjoys stubbing their toe. Some people think of this as “feeling pain as pleasure” - which is not necessarily true3; most masochists still feel pain as pain but nonetheless enjoy it in kink scenarios. This is discussed further in part section 2.3.

1.2 Jargon

Over the course of this book, you’ll probably run into a lot of new terms - or terms used in different ways than you’d hear in vanilla-land4. Here are some of the basic terms: Vanilla - A non-kinky person. Example: “Make sure you dress in street clothes, don’t frighten the vanilla people.” Kinkster - A kinky person. Example: “I’m meeting up with a couple of kinksters this weekend.” Play An kinky activity. Often “play” is appended to a word to talk about a specific activity: as in “waxplay”, “knifeplay”, “petplay”, etc. Examples: “Oh yeah, Bob and I have played together” and “I’m interested in doing some fireplay.”

A scene - A session of BDSM play. Example: “That was a really great scene!” The scene - Confusingly, “scene” can also refer to the BDSM community. (See section 1.5.) Example: “I’ve met some great people since I’ve been on the scene.” Toys - Anything you might use in BDSM play/sex. Such as: ﬂoggers, vibrators, canes, rope or even a pair of £3 handcuﬀs from Amazon.5 Example: “Come over tomorrow, bring your toys.” Limits - Something that a person won’t do. Sometimes seperated into “soft limits” (things someone won’t do most of the time) and “hard limits” (things that a person will not do under any circumstances). Example: “Knives are a hard limit.”

1This book doesn’t cover long-term power exchange or D/s relationships. If you’re new, you don’t want to be considering it at all - start slowly, see how your desires and feelings evolve and learn to communicate and explore. 2Note the use of “giving” as opposed to “inﬂicting” here. One of the main principles of S&M is the idea of hurt but not harm. See section 2.3 3Although sometimes I wish it was. 4Yup, that’s one of them! 5Not advised.

6 1.3 So - What Are You Into?

If the answer is “I don’t know”, that’s ﬁne! Some of the most fun you can have is experimenting and ﬁnding you enjoy new things! You might have some ideas as to what you want to try - this is good too.6 A few general questions to ask yourself are: 1. How do I want to feel when playing?

2. Why do I want to play? 3. What are my limits? After you have some sort of idea, you can ask some more speciﬁc questions. Not knowing is still a valid answer; discovering things over time is to be expected.

1. Do I have any fantasies I want to play out? 2. Do I want to give or receive pain? Or maybe both? 3. Do I like the idea of being restrained or restraining my partner? 4. Do I want to be giving or following the orders? Or both, at diﬀerent times? Do I, instead, want to explore other things (sadism/masochism) without any power exchange? 5. Do I want to include sexual things in my play?7 There is no need to be guilty or embarrassed - there is no wrong way to be kinky, so long as it’s safe and consensual. Whatever you’re into, there are probably a million other people also into it. You don’t need to have a perfect idea of what you want to do: “I’ll give it a go and see how I like it” is a perfectly good response!

1.4 Dominants and submissives, Tops and Bottoms, Switches and More...

There are a lot of different terms for people’s “roles” within kink. Loosely speaking, a Dominant (Dom/me)8 or top is the “active” partner - the person in control, giving the orders or holding the flogger. A submissive (sub) or bottom is the “passive” partner - the person restrained, following orders or being hit.9 These labels can be used to both apply to a person’s preferences (a person is a Dominant if they take the Dominant role in general) and also to their role in a particular scene. Some people identify as a switch10 - that is, they enjoy being both roles at different times. This is in no way a exhaustive list: there are so many different labels people use for their preferences, but these are the mostly commonly used. If someone isn’t kinky at all, kinksters will often refer to them as vanilla. Quick note: despite common misconceptions from the media, Dominant does not mean “man”, nor neither does submissive mean “woman.” Don’t feel confined by expectations and scripts from vanilla-land when you’re experimenting with kink. Go with what you feel comfortable with and what you want to explore.

6I seriously recommend Cliff Pervocracy’s kink/sex/relationship worksheets, which can be found here http://pervocracy.blogspot.co.uk/p/worksheets.html. 7Whilst kink and sex can complement one another, they are not essentially intertwined. 8Some people like to capitalise Dominant to emphasise the power differentials. 9Some people will distinguish Dom/sub and top/bottom. Dom/sub usually refers to scenes/relationships with a power element, while top/bottom is often used in scenes/relationships without one. There’s no universally agreed on definition, though. 10Like me!

7 1.5 Bedroom Play and the BDSM Scene

The BDSM scene is a general term for the community of kinksters who attend events including munches (social, low-pressure events) and play parties (parties with... well, play). This book isn’t so much about becoming a member of the BDSM scene - there are plenty of other resources available if that’s something you’re interested in doing.11 Playing in the bedroom with a partner is a very different experience to being in the scene, but both are legitimate kinkiness. A lot of people may feel uncomfortable when it comes to playing in a public environment, and that’s completely okay.12 Playing in private is great fun and there’s still a lot to experiment with, so you won’t be bored. If you’re reading this and this stuff is new to you, it’s likely you (or any partner(s)13 you might have) haven’t really explored kink before - one of the main disadvantages of playing in the bedroom as opposed to being a part of the scene is that you don’t have access to the expertise and experience of other fantastic kinky people. It means that a lot of the time you’re going to be bumbling through and seeing how it goes - which is fine (and can often be a lot of fun) - but can also sometimes cause issues.

11I recommend Cliﬀ Pervocracy’s (I’ll stop recommending their stuﬀ when it stops being amazing) BDSM 101, found here: http://pervocracy.blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/how-to-get-into-bdsm-short-version.html 12Fun fact: I thought I would be very uncomfortable with it. Turns out? Not so much. 13Keep an eye out for Sharing and Caring - an introduction to polyamory.

8 Chapter 2

Doing It Right!

As I previously mentioned, many mainstream portrayals of kink and BDSM are both inaccurate and unhealthy. Whilst there’s no one right way of being kinky, there are deﬁnitely wrong ways - and the ubiquitous Fifty Shades of Grey highlights many of these: it has an incredibly poor view of consent (a contract is most deﬁnitely not a good way of going about consent - section 2.1. And complaining about safewording? section 2.2.4), portrays abuse as BDSM (and vice versa), and ultimately implies that kinkiness is a problem from which to be saved... 1 However, many people (including, perhaps, you!) are showing an interest in BDSM as a result of it - and it’s important that they are aware of how they can responsibly explore their newfound kinkiness.

2.1 Consent and Communication 2.1.1 Consent Consent - as I speak about ad nauseum - is essential to BDSM (and sex in general, in fact). It seperates sadomasochism from assault, bondage from kidnapping and D/s from slavery. Consent is:

Freely given - Consent obtained through manipulation or coercion is not real consent. Neither is it valid consent if you pester your partner until they cave. Informed - Consent without a proper understanding of what the person is consenting to is not real consent. Active - Not objecting is not the same as consenting.

Continuous - Someone can withdraw their consent at any time. Dossie Easton2, in The Ethical Slut defines consent as “[A]n active collaboration for the benefit, well-being and pleasure of all persons concerned,” and adds, “If someone is being coerced, bullied, blackmailed, ma- nipulated, lied to, or ignored, what is happening is not consensual.” I’m a real fan of this definition (in most circumstances3) - it emphasises that BDSM (and, again, sex in general) is an experience people have together - all the parties involved work together for everyone’s enjoyment.

1I could take up this entire book with reasons why 50SoG is bad. Instead, here’s Cliﬀ Pervocracy’s readthrough (http: //pervocracy.blogspot.co.uk/search/label/Fifty%20shades%20of%20grey) - it’s both amusing and informative! 2Author of The Ethical Slut, When Someone You Love is Kinky and some other good books. See chapter 4 for recommendations. The quotes here come from The Ethical Slut, page 20 of the 2009 version. 3Consent doesn’t have to be enthusiastic or motivated by pleasure to be real. A sex worker is capable of consent. So is a person with no desire for it having sex for the purpose of pleasing their partner - but if you’re just playing around with a partner and have no reason to be dealing with these issues, enthusiasm is a good thing to shoot for.

9 2.1.2 Communication However you intend to include BDSM in your relationship(s)- as an introduction to an existing vanilla relationship, futher exploration in a relationship where you have done some experimentation, as an active member of the scene, or anything else for that matter - you will need to communicate your needs and desires (and listen to theirs) to any partners you play with. Be honest - proper communication can only happen when everyone involved isn’t overly embarrassed or scared of voicing their feelings. You don’t have to agree to try something they want to - perhaps it’s a trigger for you or maybe it just doesn’t tickle your fancy - but you do have to be polite and accepting of their desires. Deep conversations - particularly on the topic of sex and kink - can be really scary. It’s unlikely that you’ve discussed some of the things you’re talking about with many people before - but to get the most out of it, you should be as honest as you can possibly can. It’s likely that your partner is going to be feeling the same fear and uncertainty - be supportive!

2.1.3 Negotiation Before you do anything, you will want to negotiate with your partner. Talk about your tastes and desires (section 1.3), take a look at chapter 3 or come up with your own ideas of what you want to try and make sure you know all the relevant safety stuﬀ. Not only that, though - you need to be more speciﬁc. Who is going to be what role? What do the participants want? Where can the scene not go under any circumstances? What may/will be included in the scene? How long will it take? Are there any health or other issues that might need to be taken into account?4 Will there be any sex involved? What are your safety precautions and safewords? As you play more with a person and get more experienced, you will not need as extensive negotiation - but it’s still worth a small pre-scene chat in any circumstances. A quick point - with safewords and other in-scene communication, make sure you use things that can’t be confused. “Harder” and “no harder” will get confused and bad things will more than likely happen, particularly if one or both of you is making a lot of noise. It may seem menial or boring, but the alternative is possible mental, bodily or emotional harm to one or more of the participants. Don’t screw around - BDSM play is serious and can have serious consequences.

2.2 Safety 2.2.1 Learn about your toys Knowledge is power! Learn about the sort of play you intend to do - not only will it be safer, it’ll also be a lot more enjoyable. As far as possible, you should test your toys out on yourself before using them on someone else - know what they feel like. You can learn in a lot of different ways: reading or watching videos online, finding someone more experienced than you and learn from them, practice hitting a pillow or chair with toys to practice your aim, find a friend who will let you tie them up to practice ropework and so on and so on. The more you learn and the more experience you get, the better your scenes are, so learn away!

2.2.2 Safety equipment First aid kit - In case of wounds, cuts or accidents. EMT scissors - Also known as EMT shears or trauma shears, they’re often used by paramedics to cut clothes oﬀ people in emergency situations. They’re sharp and designed to not injure the patient - which makes them very handy for cutting someone out of restraints (rope or leather) in case of emergency. You can pick up a pair cheaply online.

4Does someone have a bad back or a funny elbow? One of my play partners can’t have the word “useless” to describe them because it makes them feel terrible. That sort of thing.

10 Food and water - BDSM can be quite. . . energetic and tiring and there can be a serious risk of dehydration or low blood sugar. Keep a supply of things to eat (I recommend cereal bars, biscuits/cookies or something similar) and water around. If you’re likely to need to give a drink to a bottom while restrained, have a straw handy. Food/water is also useful to have around during aftercare (section 2.5).

2.2.3 Plan for the worst What happens if the top faints while the bottom is tied up? Or the bottom has an asthma attack? You need to have a plan in case the worst happens. Here are some things you should consider: Medical conditions - Make sure your partner knows about any medical conditions you have (and vice versa) and any medication that you may require is on hand. Safe bondage - Don’t tie someone up in a way that means they’d be injured if they fell over or collapsed. What if the top faints while the bottom is tied up? Can they get to a phone, the key, some method of getting out of their restraints? If a bottom faints while tied up, you should carefully untie them and check their breathing. More on bondage and bondage safety in section 3.1.

Fire or natural disaster - Do you have a way of quickly releasing the bottom in the case of ﬁre or similar? Trauma shears (section 2.2.2) in the case of rope/leather straps, quick release methods in ropework (section 3.1) and so on are a good idea.

2.2.4 Safewords & safesigns A safeword is a pre-negotiated word which is used as an immediate “stop” button to any scene. It’s preferably short and something that’s unlikely to come up in the context of the scene. You should use the safeword if you are in physical or emotional distress. Good examples of this include “red”, or something absolutely ridiculous like “kangaroo.” If anyone participating (top or bottom) in a scene uses the safeword then you should immediately cease play (including, obviously, undoing any restraints) and provide them with anything they need (comfort, warmth, cuddles or maybe even just leaving them alone). Don’t ever comment on (or wonder about, for that matter) whether someone was justified in safewording. They were. This doesn’t mean you should disregard someone saying “stop” or similar - unless otherwise negotiated beforehand and it’s part of the roleplay of the scene, you should at the very least take it as a sign to check in with them. Even if you have agreed to ignore someone saying “stop”, if you think their distress might be genuine you should have another way of checking in with them that doesn’t break the flow of the scene. Having a safeword in place does offer an entirely unambiguous method of signalling distress. In some scenes, using a safeword might not be possible - the prime example of this is when you’re using a gag. If you’re doing this you need to negotiate some way of unambiguously getting this across such as having the bottom hold a ball they can drop, checking in with them with the “two squeeze” method5 or think of your own method (but be careful).

2.2.5 Safer sex If you’re having sexual contact along with your play, it’s important to utilise all the safer sex methods you would usually use when having sex with your partner. BDSM does not magically make you impervious to infection or pregnancy. This includes measures such as condoms, dental dams and gloves. It’s very important to note that blood can also be a concern, depending on your play. Ensure that all of your toys - particularly ones used for penetration - are cleaned thoroughly. Investing in some antibacterial wipes is a good idea and some toys will have explicit cleaning instructions and/or needs - if in doubt, check the instructions or look it up on the internet.

5Set up a system where the top squeezes the bottom’s hand twice. If the bottom squeezes back twice, it means “carry on, I’m ﬁne” - if they squeeze back once, or not at all it’s a sign you need to check in on them in a more direct way.

11 Fluid bonding toys is a method of minimising the risk of disease transmission. The principle of bonding is simple: once a high-risk bodily ﬂuid (blood, semen, vaginal ﬂuids) of a person that toy should only be used on that person in future.6 This is less applicable for certain toys (dildos, for instance) which can be protected with condoms.

2.2.6 Playing while drunk or under the inﬂuence of drugs Don’t do it. Ever. If you’re bottoming, you’ll be less knowledgeable of when you’re being harmed and if you’re topping you’ll be less capable of making judgments as to how the bottom is doing. In general your decision-making abilities and dexterity can be signiﬁcantly inhibited.

2.3 Pain: Hurt and Harm

Pain is often considered to be the opposite of pleasure, but for those kinkily inclined the two have a much more interesting relationship. As discussed in section 1.1, masochism is deriving enjoyment and pleasure from pain. You will often hear masochists refer to “good pain” and “bad pain” - “good pain” refers to pain that the masochist can accept, enjoy and isn’t outside of their limits, while “bad pain” is the opposite. Every masochist will have different preferences when it comes to pain - some people will be able to enjoy and take more, say, spanking than flogging or vice versa. This may even change over time, or with different circumstances. Another popular phrase is “hurt versus harm”. Pain can be good and enjoyable, harm is not - you don’t want to cause any permanent or long-lasting injuries to a partner. The typical rule is if you’d need to go to a doctor or visit A&E, it’s harm - don’t do anything that can’t naturally heal in a short time. Better to be too cautious than end up injuring someone or getting injured. Section 2.2 has more information on safety in play. It is also worth talking to your partner about marks and bruises - the bottom’s circumstances will determine whether and where they can have marks and bruises. Maybe they wear a uniform at work which they can’t have bruises in certain areas or maybe they just don’t want them at all.7 You (most probably) don’t want to draw blood and if you accidently do, it’s probably worth stopping and treating the wound immediately. (See section 2.2.5 on the issues with getting blood/other fluids on toys.)

2.4 Types of Pain

Pain isn’t just one sensation - the feeling of burning yourself on a stove and stubbing your toe, to name two particularly unsexy examples, are very different. This applies to pain in a BDSM context, too - people’s tolerance and enjoyment of certain sensations varies. When it comes to impact toys (the hitty variety, see section 3.3.1) there are two generally accepted sensations: thuddy and stingy. Thuddy pain comes from a solid blow and is a deep and more dull sensation, while stingy pain is sharp and often lingers after the strike. Toys can’t be simply sorted into “those with a thuddy sensation” and “those with a stingy sensation”, though - a toy can (and often, does) give both in varying different quantities. For example, canes often give a small thuddy sensation along with their stinginess and floggers can give a whole range of combinations based on the way they’re made. Toys that are heavier and have a larger surface area tend to be thuddier and vice versa. With other toys, it’s possible to produce a whole range of sensations and, again, different people will respond to each one differently. This book contains a lot of ideas for things to do, but there are a whole range of different activities - and hence, sensations - that you might absolutely love. There’s no real way

6The exception to this is probably needles, which should be medically sterilised after use. 7I love marks. I can look back at them later and have reminders. Others don’t, though. One of my partners is a teacher, and has a “no bruises in term time” rule.

12 to know until you try it - remember to learn about your toys and how they feel before you play, though (section 2.2.1).

2.5 Aftercare

BDSM play is a very emotionally and physically intense experience and it’s important to ensure that both you and anyone you’re playing with are suitably attended to. Different people have different needs when it comes to aftercare - some people will want to be left alone while others will want cuddles and affection, some people may require food, drink or warmth. This applies to anyone participating - not just for bottoms/submissives - the experience of “coming down” after a session as well as the session itself are very draining. It is true, though, that submissives are typically in need of more aftercare and are often not really in any sort of condition to do anything.8 Sometimes people can experience “sub drop” or “top drop” after a session. The highs involved with BDSM play can often lead to a large crash at the end of it, which can lead to feeling down, lethargic, worried or all manner of unpleasant feelings. If you experience this, do try and get hold of your partner and be good to yourself - it will pass with time and care. It’s also worth checking up on your partner again a bit after the session - I wouldn’t recommend having a deep conversation about how it was directly after, but you can certainly exchange a few words at that time. Somewhere between a few hours and a couple of days is probably a good idea for a follow up conversation to talk about what worked and what didn’t, and possibly for planning of further shenanigans! (See section 2.1 for more on communication.) You should note that it’s also possible for someone to feel the effects of sub drop or top drop days after the actual play, so you should be willing to offer your partner all the attention and aftercare they need in that case, too.

2.6 Your Kink Is Not My Kink

“Your Kink Is Not My Kink”, or YKINMK, is a common saying in the BDSM world - it’s often followed by “...but Your Kink Is Okay.” It’s the kink version of different strokes for different folks - if you’re socialising with kinky people at all, you’re going to meet a lot of people who don’t have similar interests to you. This is perfectly fine! It’d be horribly boring if everyone’s tastes were the same - you don’t have to find what people’re into hot, you just have to be okay with it. This is particularly important if you’re looking to be a member of the kink scene (section 1.5).

8After a beating it can take me quite a long time to be able to walk or hold a proper conversation again.

13 Chapter 3

Ideas and Activities

For all equipment you may need, there are recommendations for good online retailers in section 4.3. Also, there may be shops in your area that could meet your needs, if you feel comfortable. Do shop around though, as a lot of sex shops are overpriced. I would recommend that you not just rely on the information here: a lot of the explanations are simpliﬁed and there are resources available that cover things more comprehensively. Some resources are provided in chapter 4, but there is always your favourite search engine.1 You went through and read all of chapter 2, right? Alright then, let’s talk about the fun stuﬀ!

3.1 Bondage and Restraints 3.1.1 Basic bondage safety • Don’t leave someone who is restrained alone. • Make sure you’ve planned for the worst (section 2.2.3) - this is specifically important when restraints are involved. • Make sure that the bottom has blood flow to their arms and feet. Restraints - rope in particular - can cut off circulation. Bottoms should speak up if their hands start getting tingly or cold. As a top, you can check blood flow by squeezing a finger/toe and seeing how long it takes for the colour to reappear - if it’s considerably longer (take a baseline), there may be problems.

• If you suspect that there may be blood ﬂow issues - either through the above test or your bottom telling you - start untying them immediately. • If you’re using cuﬀs or something else with a key, make sure you have a spare set of keys that are somewhere safe and/or some method of getting the bottom out of the restraints.2

• Take into account all the safety information in section 2.2. Bondage usually isn’t (although it can be!) done for its own sake - it can be combined with other forms of play, so make sure that you keep everything into account.

1Bing is not covered by YKINMK. 2Several BDSM handcuﬀs have safety catches.

14 3.1.2 Cuffs Cuffs are probably the stereotypical “spicing it up a bit” toy - they offer a quick, cheap and effective method of restraining someone. There are a few kinds of cuffs: the traditional metal handcuffs (plus their adorably fluffy cousins) and more sturdy leather versions. They can lock in a few different ways: straps, locks and clips. Cuffs are especially good for beginners as they require no skill or knowledge. If you’re considering cuffs, get something comfortable - the extra money for a leather and cushioned set is well worth it. Cuffs are usually quite limited in their use, only allowing you to bind the wrists together (or, in some cases, the ankles.) You can still be very creative with this, though: handcuff them to a radiator? A bedpost? Tie Leather cuffs. one of your hands to one of theirs?3 Or just tie their hands behind their back?

3.1.3 Rope Rope is a considerably more powerful and flexible method of restraining someone than cuffs; but with flexibility comes complexity. To get the most out of rope bondage, you really need to put time into it. If it’s something that interests you, there are many resources available to learn - look at section 4.1.2. There are some basic things you can do, though - and you don’t necessarily need rope for them. A tie or scarf can work perfectly well for quickly immobilising hands or ankles, or a wrist to a bedpost. Whatever you’re using, make sure you can easily untie knots from it and don’t use anything you don’t want to cut.4

3.1.4 . . . and after they’re restrained? Bondage can be enjoyed as a stand-alone thing; to some, the feeling of not being able to move is enjoyable and/or exciting. However, it can also be combined with a lot of fun goodies! Sex is the obvious one: tie your partner down and use them as they want? Or keep them from touching themselves as you tease and tease until they beg for a good seeing to? It can also be combined with most of the other things mentioned here, too. Keep your prisoner tied down while you interrogate them? Tie their hands so they can’t cover their butt when they’re bent over your knee... Or maybe tie them spread eagle to the bed and tickle them into submission5. With some imagination, bondage can be a good addition to any fun.

3.2 Roleplay 3.2.1 Roleplay basics BDSM is a great opportunity to explore many facets of yourself. There are a whole range of diﬀerent roles you can play, from a slightly bossier version of yourself to a full-blown character: a stableboy, a secretary, a teacher, and so on. Scenes can be lighthearted or serious, sexual or non-sexual - the only real limits are your imagination and consent. Your roleplaying scene can also involve other elements of kink and/or sex: the roleplaying and other elements can be complementary and add to the experience.

3...before you do that, I recommend you think of how you’re getting out. 4Your partner’s hands are typically regarded to be more important than a fancy scarf. 5...make sure they won’t murder you when they get out before you do this.

15 3.2.2 Ideas When trying to come up with ideas for roleplaying scenes, here are some things you should consider: • Discuss the vague parameters of the scene and deﬁne limits.

• Don’t feel obligated to script out everything in advance, but do check in with your partner periodically. • Don’t feel obligated to take things too seriously - feel free to laugh and have fun. • What role(s) do the participants feel comfortable in and enjoy? • Do you want to be a whole diﬀerent character or an alternative version of yourself?

• What sexual and/or kink things will you be including in the scene? Remember that standard safety advice will apply to all scenes. Here are some ready made ideas for you to experiment with, alter and use as you wish. • On a secretary’s first day at an office, they discover that their duties include a lot more than was in the job description. . . They also discover their boss’ way of motivation involves being bent over the desk and caned. • After being locked alone in the tower for years, the princess is rescued by a charming young hero. Overcome by frustration, she chains the hero to the wall and has her wicked way with them. • When writing their new book about BDSM, an author faces their greatest challenge yet: an unyielding editor who has a nasty punishment for them every time they make an error in their punctuation or grammar. • In the University library, the new librarian has some. . . unusual fines for late books. A freshman student, hearing of the rumours, rushes to renew their book - but they were too late...

3.2.3 Costumes and props A roleplaying scene can be enhanced with appropriate costumes and props - they can help you get into character and enhance the fantasy. While sex shops will try and sell you overpriced costumes, there are many places you can get things cheaper: charity (or thrift) shops are a good way of getting clothes for cheap6 and online shopping (particularly eBay) is also good. Think about how many times you may be using the costume - it doesn’t usually have to be perfect to be good, and saving money is great.7

3.3 Painful Things! 3.3.1 Impact play basics & safety “Impact play” is, essentially, hitting. While not all of the things that are painful fall under the category of impact play, a lot of the things we talk about here do. There are a few basic things you have to keep in mind when doing impact play: • There are certain zones of the body which take impact a lot better than others. Typically, you want to be hitting the butt, upper back (avoiding the spine) and the breasts. Avoid the spine and ribs. Other areas of the body can take a lesser amount, but it depends on what it is8 - as you’re probably a newbie, stick to the safe areas.

6and are very good if the scene will end up in the destruction of an outﬁt. 7Especially as it means you can buy more toys! 8Cane feet!

16 • However conﬁdent you feel, your accuracy when you start out is unlikely to be high. Before going nuts, make sure you can hit your target - otherwise you can do serious damage to your bottom. Practice your aim before you go anywhere near a human - pillows are good for this. • Know what your toys feel like. Test them on yourself ﬁrst. Know what the pain you’re giving is like. Not only is that safer, it allows you to have better control over the pain you’re giving and lets you craft the experience. • When you’re starting out, start slow. You need to give your partner time to warm up and get into the mood to process pain - warm ups are essential for allowing your bottom to process pain properly and start to enjoy themselves. To put it frankly, if you go in at full power straight away, it will hurt. In a bad way (section 2.4). Really - don’t.

• Hitting an area will make it more sensitive: strikes that would be okay seperately can often be overwhelming if applied to the same spot. • There are a couple of good “games” you can play to explore your partner’s wants; start gently, ask your bottom to say “higher”, “the same” or “lower/stop.” Or whatever works for you - take it slowly for the ﬁrst couple of times.

• Pay attention to your partner’s response. Over time you’ll see the patterns in it - when they’re enjoying it, when you’re giving them too much and so on. Also, the moans and screams are hot. • Wrapping is a problem that can happen with ﬂoggers (and similar) where the end(s) wrap around a rounded part of the body. This is often painful in a bad way.9

3.3.2 Spanking Seems fairly self explanatory, but there is some nuance. Spanking is the striking of the buttocks (or thighs. . . or clitoris!) with a hand or other implement. The butt can take a lot of punishment because it’s mostly fat. Spanking can have a strong emotional impact, as well - of feeling humbled or humiliated - and can be very erotic. Even with just hands, you can get a lot of different feelings: powerful strokes, quicker strokes or use both hands like you’re playing their butt like bongos. If you just swing your hand as fast as you can into their butt, it’ll probably start hurting pretty quickly, so you might want to try different ways of hitting, such as letting your hand roll of their butt after you make contact. Additionally, you can alter the feeling by spreading your fingers (for a more stingy feeling) or cupping it (for a more thuddy feeling.) For information on different types of pain, see section 2.4. The position of the spankee will really alter the experience - if the spankee is laid flat, it’ll typically hurt less than it does if they’re bent over something. It’ll also change the atmosphere of the scene; your partner bent over a desk, legs spread wide and all exposed? Or bent over your knee, begging for forgiveness for some wrongdoing? Take into account the atmosphere you want to produce and how much pain you want to give. Whatever you do, start slow and work up to it: try different things to see what your partner enjoy, listen to and feel their reactions10 and, as always, communicate.

3.3.3 Paddling A paddle is a (usually) ﬂat piece of material with a handle. They come in all diﬀerent shapes and sizes and sometimes with things attached (like studs or holes.) They’re useful as they allow you to get a range of feeling that’s not possible with just your hand, but are used in much the same way as you spank.

9Two reasons. 1. Physics: when the toy strikes and wraps, the ends are going faster than the rest of the strike was. 2. Often the ends wrap around and hit a more sensitive part of the body - it’s best to avoid it: be conscious of where the whole length of the toy is striking. 10There are other reasons why you might want to do this, too.

17 How a paddle feels can very much vary. Thinner paddles typically give a stingier feel (section 2.4) while bigger ones are thuddier. Some paddles have holes in them, which reduces the drag when swinging the paddle - others have studs or diﬀerent shapes. This is why going to a physical shop can be a good idea, you can try before you buy. You don’t necessarily have to buy at all, though. There are a number of household objects you can repurpose for spanking: wooden rulers, hairbrushes (try using the brush side as well), spatulas. . . Try things! They might not work for you, but you may end up getting yourself a cheap toy.

3.3.4 Flogging A flogger is a set of tails attached to a handle that are used as an impact toy. The best places (for a beginner) to use a flogger is on the back (avoiding the spine) and the butt. The easiest position11 to flog someone in is probably leaning against the wall with both hands against it. The idea of practising until you can aim reliably is especially important when it comes to flogging - floggers are harder to control than any of the other toys mentioned here. There are many ways you can throw a flogger: light caresses, firmer strokes, with or without follow through, skimming the surface of the skin with the tips...Mixing up these different methods will make for a more interesting experience. The number, material and length of the tails can vary - leading to A pair of floggers different sensations. When you’re buying a flogger, I recommend you go to somewhere specifically aimed at kinksters rather than a more mainstream store; the floggers on sale there are usually bad quality. There are recommendations for shops in section 4.3. I would - even more than usual - recommend that you look up other resources before trying flogging.

3.3.5 Caning A cane is a flexible rod that is used in impact play. The most common place to strike someone with a cane is the butt and upper thighs - and this is probably where you want to be aiming. The positions you can cane someone in are basically the same as those used in spanking or paddling. If your bottom is someone with testicles, take a lot of care to make sure they’re not in any danger. As with other toys, canes feel different depending on how they’re made. Thicker, heavier canes will produce a thuddier sensation while thinner and more flexible canes are stingier. The way you strike will also affect how it feels: flicking with the tip, slightly pulling back the cane and letting it go and striking with the whole cane will all feel different. Caning can be quite intense and can leave an area very sensitive - potentially more so than the other toys mentioned. Be especially aware of the areas you have hit and the pace at which you strike: it can very quickly become overwhelming. I would - even more than usual - recommend that you look up other resources before trying caning.

11for someone without a St. Andrew’s cross to tie someone to

18 3.3.6 Pegs and clamps Pegs and clamps are very different from the other things I’ve discussed here. Clothes pegs applied to the skin give a gradually building or a “humming” pain; there’s a small amount of pain when it’s put on and a larger amount when it’s taken off - the amount of pain when it’s taken off depends on how long it’s been on (and how you take them off.) There will also be some soreness and tenderness afterwards, so don’t be too mean at first. To be even nastier - if you thread a piece of string (also known as a “zipper”) through the pegs, you can pull off a large number of pegs in one go for a rather intense (read: excruciating) sensation. You can also tweak and play with the pegs/clamps for a little bit of added pain. It’s difficult to fully describe the feeling - so make doubly sure you Me, about to be very sore know how it feels before you try it on someone else. Still, pegs are cheap, easily obtainable and a good addition to anyone’s toybag - just be sure not to use wooden ones, as they can leave nasty splinters. If you like pegs - particularly on the nipples (or clit!) - it might be worth investing in some nipple clamps. Clamps tend to be more intense, stay on better and have more options than clothes pegs.12 Still, pegs are a good place to start before you spend any money.

3.4 Less (or differently) Painful Things 3.4.1 Sensation play basics & safety Sensation play is about manipulating and playing with a bottom’s senses13 - this encompasses a huge variety of different activities which makes giving general advice somewhat more difficult, but there are a few things to keep in mind: • Practically anything can be an “interesting” sensation. If you think you have an idea, it might be worth bringing up with your partner and trying - although keep in mind safety.

• If you have an idea, chances are others have had that same idea - try searching for advice. • Know what the toys you’re using feels like (section 2.2.1). If you’ve played with your partner a lot before, you might know their preferences and be better placed to predict their responses. • Mix it up! However interesting the sensation, it can always be more interesting: switch between sensations, experiment with several sensations at once and so on. • Lack of sensation is a sensation of itself. Blindfolds are an obvious example of this - a break in sensation to build anticipation or just plain deprivation might have its place in your scene, too.

3.4.2 Temperature play Hot and cold are also interesting sensations you can play with. Ice cubes are a popular favourite for beginning to experiment with this - try running them over a (preferably sore) back, kiss with them in or use them in or on the genitals: giving oral sex with ice cubes in your mouth is an interesting experience for the lucky receiver. 12Often, nipple clamps will be attached together on a chain. The chain can be used for various nefarious purposes - such as pulling someone around by it or tying it to something. 13It’s possible to argue that impact play comes under sensation play - after all, it is sensory - but I tend to use it to refer to other sensations. Diﬀerent people’s opinions will vary.

19 Glass dildos are also very enjoyable - they can be cooled in the freezer or heated in a bath of warm water. Due to the sensitive nature of places you typically stick dildos, it can be quite. . . stimulating. Whatever you’re doing, make sure that your toy is a reasonable temperature before you use it - especially if you’re using it on or in the genitals, unless nasty burns are your idea of fun. If you’re playing with cold things, you might want to make sure you have something to warm them up with (and a towel for when any ice cubes melt).

3.4.3 Being nice and fluffy Glass dildos. Image used with You don’t want to be mean all the time - breaking up a painful activity permission of Amberglow. with something a little more pleasant can help the bottom process the pain and make the experience more enjoyable. Try gently running something fluffy or with an interesting texture: the sensitivity of sore skin often makes the sensation more intense.

3.4.4 Pinwheels [Trigger Warning: mention of knife use.] Pinwheels or Wartenberg wheels are devices - originally designed for medical use - gives a sharp prickly feeling. The business end of a pinwheel is a disk with sharp spikes evenly spaced along it which turns as it is rolled over the skin. It sounds scary (and it can feel it), but a pinwheel will not typically break the skin at all - it takes quite a bit of pressure to actually puncture the skin. Being pinwheeled can be an incredibly intense experience: some people may completely dislike it or absolutely adore it. A word of warning: due to the similarity in feeling to a knife, some people may not want to try it or have it applied to certain areas. For instance, I will not have pinwheels applied to the inside of my arms. Make sure you know where your bottom is happy having it applied - a good strategy is to start on the bottom’s back.

A pinwheel and case.

20 Chapter 4

Further resources

4.1 Books 4.1.1 General reading

SM101 by Jay Wiseman - A somewhat old and occasionally waﬄe-prone introduction to BDSM. Available from bookstores or from Amazon (dead-tree form or Kindle).

The New Topping/Bottoming book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy - Books speciﬁcally about topping and bottoming - not just in activities and technique, but in emotional and ethical concerns. As with all books by Dossie Easton, the book is littered with spiritual commentary which is not to my taste - but still has value beside that. Available from bookstores or from Amazon (dead-tree form or Kindle).

When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt - A decent thing to read through with a friend, family member or partner who is having problems understanding kink and your lifestyle. Available from bookstores or from Amazon (dead-tree form or Kindle).

4.1.2 Rope bondage

Complete Shibari by Douglas Kent - An introduction to rope based on building from a very basic set of skills. This is probably the best way to learn, but it’s quite diﬃcult to get your head around - but once you do, you will have a ﬁrm understanding. Available from Amazon in dead-tree form.

Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macram by Lee “Bridgett” Har- rington - A basic introduction to rope, with some practical and some decorative rope work. Fairly easy to work from. Available from Amazon in dead-tree form.

21 4.2 Blogs and websites

FetLife - http://www.fetlife.com Probably the most popular BDSM-orientated social networking site. It’s a good way to get into the scene, get information about various types of play and talk to like-minded people. Check out http://pervocracy. blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/how-to-get-into-bdsm-short-version.html for a short “how to get into the scene” post.

Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macram The Pervocracy - http://www.pervocracy.blogspot.com The Pervocracy - a blog by Cliﬀ Pervocracy - is on a large variety of subjects, including: BDSM technique, ethics, queer/feminist theory and their personal sexy times. I’ve used a number of their posts in the making of this book.

Kinkology - http://kinkology.tumblr.com A (now defunct) tumblr with a large number of posts talking about various kink issues. It’s worth a read through their archive.

FetInRealLife - http://www.youtube.com/fetinreallife A (now defunct) YouTube channel with instructional videos about how to make and use various toys.

4.3 Shops

Lovehoney - http://www.lovehoney.co.uk UK-based sex toy shop. Despite being aimed very much at the “mainstream” market, it’s a good place to start.

Bondara - http://www.bondara.co.uk Quite similar to Lovehoney. Their range is probably a little bit more advanced.

Intimate Torment - http://www.intimatetorment.co.uk/ Independent UK-based sex toy retailer. Includes a mainstream range, but is run by kinksters for kinksters.

Extreme Restraints - http://www.extremerestraints.com/ US-based sex toy retailer aimed primarily at kinksters.

Uber Kinky - http://www.uberkinky.co.uk/ UK-based sex toy retailer aimed at a semi-kinky audience. Can be a little expensive, so be sure to shop around.