Domestic Violence in Kink & BDSM

Domestic violence is a systematic, (e.g. condoms) when desired, photos or escalating pattern of coercive behavior video taken or shared without consent. where one partner gains and maintains control over another. Relationships can be Contractual: ignoring or changing any abusive even if there is no physical written or verbal contract without consent. violence. Abuse can be verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, financial, or a combination Note: some of these behaviors are common of any of these. in D/s scenes, but if consent is not explicit, informed, and continued, then it It can be particularly difficult to recognize is abuse, not play. Remember that play abuse in a relationship dynamic that already should always be safe, sane, and pushes the limits of control and consensual. autonomy. However, consent and respect are integral to the foundation of a healthy relationship involving play around dynamics Aftercare is an important component of of power. safe play for everyone involved, regardless of role. A person’s need for it should never Examples of Abuse be ridiculed, refused, minimized, or used as a source of shame, guilt, or manipulation. Emotional: manipulation, gaslighting, blame, denial, guilt-tripping; not knowing when a scene begins or ends; feeling Our emotions can be complicated. trapped in a specific role; isolation from You might be feeling: friends, family, or other members of the kink  Shamed or humiliated community.  Angry  Afraid or depressed Verbal: ignoring safewords, blackmailing,  Isolated or abandoned threatening to ‘out’ a partner based on  Ostracized by your friends, family, or sexual preferences/activities or breaching community confidentiality, shaming a partner for  Misunderstood, especially by people boundaries or wanting/using a safeword. unfamiliar with kink

Financial: controlling a partner’s income or access money; using a partner’s money or Some things to know about kink: credit to purchase specialty items without “Safe, sane, and consensual.” consent.  “Safe” is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns Physical: hitting, slapping, pushing, pulling involved in what you are doing; hair or limbs without prior consent; inability  “Sane” is knowing the difference to refuse an activity, especially one that’s between fantasy and reality (e.g. illegal or dangerous. what is physically possible or reasonable; consideration is taken Sexual: the use of tools or objects without for long-term consequences of prior consent, coercion of sexual behavior, actions taken during a scene, acts during a sexual scene that violate prior especially anything physical); consent, refusal to use safe sex practices

Domestic Violence in Kink & BDSM

 “Consensual” is respecting the limits  You deserve to have your imposed by each participant. boundaries respected and not to be (tnlr.org) mocked for them or have them used  Dominant/submissive dynamics against you. occur in a time and place that are mutually agreed upon. It does not have to include every aspect of your If you’re a dominant: life or relationship - in fact, for most  You have the right to safeword out of kink relationships, it rarely does. a scene for any reason at any  Clear communication is time. Doing so does not make you essential. Never assume what is weak or a bad dominant. allowed. Written contracts outlining  You are allowed to have your own limits for all involved are perfectly limits; for example, if a sub requests acceptable and even encouraged. a style of play that makes you  Sometimes people’s preferences uncomfortable or which you feel and “play styles” simply don’t match unprepared for, you have the right to up. Your limits should still be say no. respected. If you can’t find a  You deserve to have your limits compromise that leaves everyone respected and not to be mocked for feeling good, not everyone’s play them or have them used against styles may be a healthy fit. you.  Scenes that address issues of consent, such as rape roleplay or If you’re a switch: consensual non-consent, need to be  You are just as legitimate a dom or negotiated extremely carefully and sub as anyone who is not a switch, thoroughly before anything occurs. and you have the same rights  Aftercare is valuable for everyone relevant to the role you’re in. regardless of role.  Safewording out of a scene does not make you less of a dom or sub than If you’re a submissive: anyone else who identifies more  You have the right to safeword out of strongly with only one of those roles. a scene for any reason at any time; this might include an act with which you’re uncomfortable, or one which causes too much discomfort or pain. You know your limits best, and there’s a difference between a dom reasonably pushing your limits and ignoring them entirely. Using a safeword does not make you disobedient, weak, or a bad submissive.  You deserve to know that your choice to submit is respected and valued. Being a submissive doesn’t mean you’re inherently weak or less valuable as a person.