C O N E H E A D S

DIALOGUE CONTINUITY PRINTED IN USA C O N E H E A D S

SPOCK: (OVER T.V.) ...Lieutenant, just in case. BONES: (OVER T.V.) What about the Captain? Where's the Captain, Mr. Spock? SPOCK: (OVER T.V.) ...he's out there, doctor. Out there somewhere in a 1,000 cubic parsecs of space... SPOCK: (OVER T.V.) ...and there's absolutely nothing we can do to help him. MAN'S VOICE: (OVER INTERCOM) Bogey inbound... MAN'S VOICE: (OVER INTERCOM) ...500 miles from Rockport. Do you copy? TECHNICIAN: (INTO RADIO) Roger Tac-com. You got it too? CAPTAIN: What is it? TECHNICIAN: I don't know, Captain. TECHNICIAN: (OFF) But sat' signal has it at 500 miles inbound real fast. TECHNICIAN: Whoa, that's not one of ours. MAN'S VOICE: (OVER RADIO) We have a confirmed inbound... MAN'S VOICE: (OVER RADIO) ...bogey... PILOT: Werewolf flight camera's now on. PILOT: Whew, man is he moving. Unidentified aircraft... PILOT: (OVER RADIO) ...you are violating restricted airspace. Reduce speed to mach one. Repeat, slow down, descend to... PILOT: (OVER RADIO) ...three thousand feet and identify or we will force you down. BELDAR: (OFF) (LAUGHS) CONEHEADS Page 2 PILOT: Command, this is Werewolf leader. Bogey not responding and he's walking away fast. Suggest Air National Guard in Franklin attempt intercept. ANG PILOT'S VOICE: This is Cowboy, flight. ANG PILOT: I got a lock on. Request permission to fire. CONTROLLER'S VOICE: (OVER RADIO) Cowboy, you are cleared to fire. PRYMAAT: Mebs! PRYMAAT: You should have activated the cloaking device. BELDAR: I cannot... BELDAR: ...remember everything. ANG PILOT: It's disappeared. ANG PILOT: (OFF) He just disappeared. BELDAR: Greetings. CLERK: You need a room? BELDAR: Correct. CLERK: Uhm, fill out this applica... CLERK: Just a form there. BELDAR: I also seek out techno-industrial center where I can purchase two or three simlats of platinum paste. CLERK: Oh, uhm, this time of night, huh? Oh, geeze, uh, let's see... See, I'm kind of new to the area, uh, I don't... BELDAR: Do you know where I could obtain a helio- ison grafting device operable at eight fathoms? CONEHEADS Page 3 CLERK: Uh, you know, the day guy, he knows this area really good. I'm, I'm sorry I can't help you. I'm... CLERK: Is this a double occupancy? BELDAR: Correct. That is my mate. CLERK: Yeah, right. Uhm, I'm sure she is. CLERK: That's fine. Okay. Uhm... CLERK: Will that be cash or charge? BELDAR: Huh? CLERK: How are you going to pay for the room? PRYMAAT: We shall remunerate with metallic tender- discs. BELDAR: Correct. CLERK: This is fine. Yeah. PRYMAAT: (LAUGHS) BELDAR: This is a primitive device. We must find one with the necessary components to... BELDAR: ...communicate our distress to Remulak. PRYMAAT: When the Highmaster hears about the destruction of our ship he will be most displeased. BELDAR: Affirmative. He will surely cut off my parg and hand it to me. PRYMAAT: Ugh... BELDAR: But do not despair, Prymaat. We will be rescued. Until then, we must adapt. When the hydrogen droplets have ceased, we will go forth and live undetected on Earth amongst the blunt skulls. PRYMAAT: Beldar, how can we live amongst the blunt skulls? BELDAR: We will blend in. CONEHEADS Page 4 ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: (OVER T.V.) My goodness, Mike Sanders... ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: (OVER T.V.) Wow... ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: (OVER T.V.) Here's the man that made it happen... ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: (OVER T.V.) ...last night... CONEHEADS: (OFF) (MOAN) Aaaagggghhh! CONEHEADS: (OFF) (MOAN) Aaaahhhhh! CONEHEADS: (SCREAM) Aaaaahhhhhh! CONEHEADS: (OFF) (SCREAM) Aaaaaahhhhh! MALE CUSTOMER: Hey, Otto, this dude's almost as fast as you are. OTTO: No, man, this boy is the best. Shows up on... OTTO: (OFF) ...time. Gives me an honest day's work. You can't find... OTTO: ...people like this anymore. MALE CUSTOMER: You know that's right. OTTO: Now these other dudes, these white boys and the brothers show up late and they loaf around. All they want is a check. CUSTOMER: I heard that. BELDAR: Here is your Superjuicemaster. For future reference... BELDAR: ...frequent cleaning of blades will prevent... BELDAR: ...motor wear and accumulation of Earth bacteria. OTTO: (CHUCKLES) OTTO: (OFF) I told you... OTTO: ...the boy is good. If I could find three more like him, I could retire. CONEHEADS Page 5 BELDAR: Excuse me, Otto. I believe it is time for midday cessation of activities for protein- carbo intake. OTTO: Yeah, sure, take your lunch break. BELDAR: Lunch. BELDAR: Lunch, lunch... OTTO: The boy loves to eat. BELDAR: Lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch... BELDAR: Greetings Earth woman. (LAUGHS) Time for the midday consumption of mass quantities. PRYMAAT: I have re-radiated... PRYMAAT: ...left over starch disc. BELDAR: (OFF) Ah... BELDAR: ...pizza. I will enjoy it. PRYMAAT: There. Warning... PRYMAAT: ...do not sear the top of your neck hole in the molten lactate extract of hoofed mammals. PRYMAAT: (OFF) Excellent. PRYMAAT: The final component for the intergalactic... PRYMAAT: (OFF) ...communicator. BELDAR: Correct. PRYMAAT: There. BELDAR: Perhaps a final tightening of the spiral dimension fasteners. PRYMAAT: Beldar! Activate the device. Address Marlax. Inform him of our situation. PRYMAAT: (OFF) There is no advantage to delay. REPORTER'S VOICE: (OVER COMMUNICATOR) ...the President's a crook! CONEHEADS Page 6 PRESIDENT NIXON'S VOICE: (OVER COMMUNICATOR) No, I'm not a crook. PRYMAAT: Verscrub! PRYMAAT: (OFF) Phone home. BELDAR: Omglath Marlax... (ECHOES) MARLAX: Greetings Beldar, we haven't heard from you in clarsogs and are glad to see your life functions are still active. BELDAR: Greetings, Marlax. MARLAX: I trust you have enslaved the planet and are waiting further instructions. BELDAR: Eeng! BELDAR: Unanticipated... BELDAR: ...failure of mentanglion drive has caused us to abandon our vessel in a fluid mass. BELDAR: At what time coordinate might we expect a rescue vessel? MARLAX: Rescue vessel? You Tarpaath! MARLAX: (OVER COMMUNICATOR) I would not like to be in your cone when the Highmaster hears of your failure. MARLAX: (OFF) He will not take it lightly. I will try to arrange for a... MARLAX: ...star cruiser to enter your solar system in about, oh... 7 zerls. BELDAR AND PRYMAAT: 7 zerls! MARLAX: Flargans... Remulak... Narpail. BELDAR: Narg.... BELDAR: 7 zerls. PRYMAAT: Beldar, there is something we should discuss that is far more important than planetary conquest. CONEHEADS Page 7 BELDAR: What, what could be more important than planetary conquest? PRYMAAT: Beldar... I am with Cone. BELDAR: You...I...a young one? PRYMAAT: (FACE OFF) Affirmative. OTTO: Eight thousand dollars. (CHUCKLES) This is the best week I've ever had. And there's twelve hundred for you, Beldar. BELDAR: Thank you. OTTO: By the way, Beldar, you haven't given me... OTTO: (OFF) ...your social security number. BELDAR: My social security number? I... I am sorry, I keep forgetting. OTTO: Look, man, I need that number. I got state payroll forms, workman's comp. OTTO: (OFF) You do have a number, don't you? BELDAR: Of course. I am a citizen of this planet. OTTO: All right, my man, give me the numbers. BELDAR: 0... BELDAR: ...2...5... BELDAR: (OFF) ...6... BELDAR: ...X...point...3... BELDAR: (OFF) ...O...B... BELDAR: ...8...7... OTTO: Beldar, my man, you're trying to tell me you don't have a social security number? BELDAR: Correct. OTTO: Why not? BELDAR: I am an illegal alien. OTTO: Oh...for... I knew you were too good to be true. Everytime I make some money this happens. So where are you from? CONEHEADS Page 8 BELDAR: The planet Remulak. I am Fuel Survey Underlord for your entire... OTTO: Never mind. Never mind. Never mind. OTTO: Look, we're gonna work this out. CARMINE: Okay, here's the deal. Your name is Donald R. De Cicco. CARMINE: (OFF) Got that? BELDAR: Donald R. De Cicco. CARMINE: Yeah, that's you. D-E Capital C-I-C-C-O. You were born August 11, 1951 in Brockton Massachusetts. BELDAR: Brockton, Massachusetts. CARMINE: Oh, it's a lovely town there. And your name is what? BELDAR: Donald R. De Cicco. CARMINE: (OFF) That's right. You are. CARMINE: (OFF) It's nice... CARMINE: ...to see you. Your wife's name is Mary Margaret Rowney. Born... CARMINE: (OFF) ...June 26, 1955 in... CARMINE: ...Narragansett, Rhode Island. But you're from where? BELDAR: Brockton, Massachusetts. CARMINE: Hey, my mother's from there! You two were married... CARMINE: ...June 4th 1975 in Koros, Greece where you met on a fellowship following your graduation from Hobart College. BELDAR: Hobart. CARMINE: Hobart College. BELDAR: College. CARMINE: Let's put 'em together. CONEHEADS Page 9 BELDAR: Hobart College. CARMINE: The man's a wizard. CARMINE: Everything else you need is in here. CARMINE: (OFF) Birth certificate, family names... CARMINE: ...school records, employer's addresses, grandmother's... CARMINE: ...maiden name. Not that they'll ask, but it's in there. CARMINE: Most important... CARMINE: ...your social security numbers. What's your name? BELDAR: Donald R. De Cicco. CARMINE: Donny De Cicco, nice to meet you. Welcome to the United States. CARMINE: Right in there. CARMINE: Up and down. BELDAR: This is a fine craft. It can be operated with some ease. OTTO: Yo, man, come on...hey not so close, all right? I mean it's not that I'm against closeness, it's just not my thing, man. You see in America, we got this thing called space. BELDAR: There you go. OTTO: Beldar, if you're gonna live here and have kids, you're gonna have to get yourself together. Buy yourself a car. Maybe get a hat for that head. And you got to do something about those teeth. BELDAR: Teeth. OTTO: (OFF) Beldar, do you know what the key to success in this country is? CONEHEADS Page 10 BELDAR: I do not. OTTO: Well, I'm gonna tell you. Look good. Be your own boss. Never get chained to a desk. And when it comes to business, take cash only. BELDAR: "Look good, be own boss, no desk, cash only. OTTO: You've got it. You got anymore of that gum, man? BELDAR: Of course. OTTO: On second thought... OTTO: ...I better not chew and drive. I might hit something. HISPANICS: (OVERLAPPING CHATTER IN SPANISH) HISPANICS: (OVERLAPPING SPANISH) TURNBULL: (OFF) Please, I...I'm really... TURNBULL: ...better with English. All I'm getting is clicking noises over here. HISPANICS: Clicking? Clicking? Clicking? TURNBULL: Could you be a lamb and have a seat? Take a un-seatado. Por favor. TURNBULL: Hi, there. I'll take that. TURNBULL: Mr. Seedling can't see anyone today. He's... TURNBULL: ...having one of those days. Thanks. TURNBULL: Isn't that cute? Okay. That's not yours. WOMAN: (IN ITALIAN) SEEDLING: Now bear in mind these figures are not to scale. You see... SEEDLING: ...I'm suggesting we put these electronic collars on all the deportees. And then we... CONEHEADS Page 11 SEEDLING: (FACE OFF) ...bury a wire along the border forming... SEEDLING: ...an invisible fence. SEEDLING: (OFF) Now the next time this illegal... SEEDLING: ...wants to enter the country... SEEDLING: Pow... A jolt he won't soon forget. SEEDLING: (OFF) It'll send a nice message to the rest of... SEEDLING: ...the population. Let's get on this. ENGINEER: Yes, right away, sir. SEEDLING: Why am I the only one who can see the problem? TURNBULL: I don't know. SEEDLING: Everyone else just ignores the problem hoping it will go away. But it won't. TURNBULL: (OFF) You're absolutely right. It's not gonna disappear. SEEDLING: Maybe I should just give up too. TURNBULL: (OFF) Oh, no. SEEDLING: Sure. Just give up. Be like everybody else. TURNBULL: That's not you. SEEDLING: Go the easy route. Let the country be over- run. TURNBULL: You wouldn't be happy. SEEDLING: Well, that's why I have to give it everything I have. One hundred percent. I know everyone thinks it crazy. TURNBULL: And obsessive. SEEDLING: That I'm a mental case. TURNBULL: Whacko. Completely insane. CONEHEADS Page 12 TURNBULL: I have something for you. That deceased S.S.I. number you flagged. SEEDLING: De Cicco? He's back. That's the tenth job he's taken this month. Not bad for a guy that was shot to death in a clam bar in Sheepshead Bay. TURNBULL: It seems now Mr. De Cicco is working as an appliance repairman in Jersey City. SEEDLING: Let's see, Donald De Cicco's one through five turned out to be a Samoan, a Vietnamese, a Sicilian, a Canadian... TURNBULL: ...and a Belgian. SEEDLING: And a Belgian. Yes. He skipped back to Belgium. SEEDLING: I lost him, Eli. This one I want. HYGIENIST: (OFF) Doctor Rudolph... HYGIENIST: ...this is Mister De Cicco. He wants his teeth capped. All of them. DENTIST: Okay. We'll just take a look. DENTIST: Hello, Mister De Sicco... BELDAR: De Cicco. The name is De Cicco. DENTIST: Mister De Cicco, I'm Dr. Rudolph. Can we send for your regular dental records? BELDAR: Ah, when I was a young one, I chipped a tooth horn on my rocket sled in a vurl storm. But... BELDAR: ...there were no records which we could send from...where...we come from. DENTIST: All right. Now I understand you want to have your teeth capped. BELDAR: Correct. DENTIST: Let's just take a look. CONEHEADS Page 13 DENTIST: And open please. DENTIST: And close please. DENTIST: And open please. DENTIST: Okay. We'll start the caps right about here, Mr. De Fasco. BELDAR: (MUFFLED) De Cicco. DENTIST: And open wider... DENTIST: (OFF) ...if you can. DENTIST: Headrest comfortable? BELDAR: Fine. DENTIST: All right. DENTIST: I'm going to give you some nitrous oxide. Now if you feel any pain, just let me know. DENTIST: And breathe. PRYMAAT: Beldar! Beldar! Mebs. Mebs! PRYMAAT: Human authority figures. Mebs! PRYMAAT: Mebs! We must egress immediately. PRYMAAT: Oh! They're at the portal. We're scrabnord. SEEDLING: (OFF) I.N.S., open up! BELDAR AND PRYMAAT: Aaaahhhh! PRYMAAT: Beldar... AGENTS: (OVERLAPPING) Around back. Come on. SEEDLING: (OFF) There they go. PRYMAAT: Mebs. Mebs. SEEDLING: Turnbull! TURNBULL: (OFF) Okay. No foreign passports, letters, correspondence, newspapers... TURNBULL: ...nothing to indicate their country of origin. Except for these Mardi Gras suits. SEEDLING: Let me see. Maybe they're Brazilian. AGENT: Sir... CONEHEADS Page 14 TURNBULL: Hi. TURNBULL: You know what, it really would be better if that went through me. He's not in a good mood. Thanks. TURNBULL: I think I found something, sir. Ah, that symbol also appears on this card. SEEDLING: (FACE OFF) Let me see that. SEEDLING: Possibly Korean. TURNBULL: Possibly. SEEDLING: Have this text analyzed. TURNBULL: Okay. TURNBULL: Run this. SEEDLING: Look at this filth. It's filthy. SEEDLING: Human beings don't live like this. SEEDLING: (OFF) Find out... SEEDLING: ...where they're from. TURNBULL: On it. SEEDLING: Because wherever that is... I'm seeing to it that they go back there. MAN: La Guardia Airport. Delta terminal. BELDAR: La Guardia. Do you wish I take the BQE, Van Wyck, or my suggestion, Woodhaven boulevard to the Grand Central parkway? There are more signal lights, but less traffic. MAN: Whatever. Just as long as we get there. BELDAR: Woodhaven, Grand Central. (INTO RADIO) 345, drop off La Guardia. BELDAR: Good evening. BELDAR: Greetings. PRYMAAT: Greetings, my geneto-mate. How was your day ferrying humans across the grid? BELDAR: Acceptable. Tips could have been better. CONEHEADS Page 15 PRYMAAT: Ooohh... PRYMAAT: The impending Cone prepares for its emergence. BELDAR AND PRYMAAT: Aaahhhh! BELDAR: It's Khoudri. PRYMAAT: (OFF) Ahh. BELDAR: Welcome my employer and landlord. KHOUDRI: Beldar, forgive my intrusion. Ravi is sick. Can you work the midnight shift? Use my car? BELDAR: Most certainly. However this will be the last triple shift. The birth spasm is near. KHOUDRI: (OFF) Beldar, once again... KHOUDRI: ...you have pulled me from the fire. BELDAR: Yes. PRYMAAT: Beldar, you have been working through your slar phase again. Guz deprivation is not good. BELDAR: But this dwelling is no longer acceptable. Even by Earth standards it is not good enough for you and our young one. We must strive to settle in a safer neighborhood. One with better schools and a stronger local economic matrix which will not tax us to death. We are no better off than we were two zerls ago. PRYMAAT: This 15 year old ranch style dwelling is available at 6,900 dollars down with an assumable 9 percent fixed rate mortgage. BELDAR: (OFF) But how? Our currency stock is insufficient. PRYMAAT: Incorrect. CONEHEADS Page 16 PRYMAAT: You have been working nights. I have been saving. BELDAR: Ah, I praise you, Earth woman. BELDAR AND PRYMAAT: Mmmm. PRYMAAT: My pluvarb has broken. The birth spasm has begun. BELDAR: Ahh! Ahhh! KHOUDRI: Nothing to this. Childbirth is a simple gentle act of nature. OTTO: You just take care of Prymaat. We'll get plenty of good pictures. PRYMAAT: Uhhh... I hate you, Beldar. I hate you! NURSE: Breathe! KHOUDRI: (SCREAMS) OTTO: (OVERLAPPING COMMENT) DOCTOR: Okay, one good push. BABY CONE: (CRIES) OTTO: It's so cute. KHOUDRI: (OVERLAPPING) (CRIES) DOCTOR: Would you like to cut the umbilical cord... DOCTOR: ...Mister Conehead? SEEDLING: (OFF) No, no hair. SEEDLING: And bring the top of the head up higher. SEEDLING: (OFF) No, higher... SEEDLING: ...like a point. TURNBULL: Sir, we have the analysis from Lexcom Labs on the card found at the subject's dwelling. No known language, script or characters within the foreign catalogue nationality encodes. SEEDLING: (OFF) No, no, you're not listening to me. SEEDLING: Look, you see where my hand is? That high. CONEHEADS Page 17 SEEDLING: What else? TURNBULL: Okay. The lab did a study of the Mardi Gras costumes. TURNBULL: They contain fibers with five wholly unknown polymer strands. Nothing like it anywhere. SEEDLING: So what are they saying? They're from another planet? TURNBULL: That theory has been advanced. Yes, sir. SEEDLING: This is big. TURNBULL: Uh-huhm. SEEDLING: This is really big. TURNBULL: Ah, permit me, sir. Should they in fact be creatures from another planet, isn't that Air Force responsibility? SEEDLING: If they're just visiting, sure. But the moment they try to work here, they're mine! SEEDLING: (OFF) Any sign? TURNBULL: No, sir, nothing yet. TURNBULL: Wait... TURNBULL: (OFF) (INTO RADIO) Subject vehicle... TURNBULL: (INTO RADIO) ...coming your way. FEMALE AGENT: (INTO RADIO) Copy. I have him in sight. TURNBULL: Go? SEEDLING: No. TURNBULL: Go? SEEDLING: No. TURNBULL: Now? SEEDLING: Go. AGENTS: (OVERLAPPING) Freeze! All right, get your hands where I can see them. SEEDLING: This isn't him. What's going on here? TURNBULL: Sir, look at this. CONEHEADS Page 18 SEEDLING: Where did you get this key chain? KHOUDRI: It's a gift. From one of the finest men I've ever known. SEEDLING: Where is he now? KHOUDRI: He moved out a week ago. KHOUDRI: (OFF) I have no word from him. KHOUDRI: (OFF) I only wish I had more drivers like him. Diligent... KHOUDRI: ...punctual, his cab invariably sweet smelling. SEEDLING: Take him in and check him out. TURNBULL: Check him. SEEDLING: We find this insignia, find these illegals. AGENT: Sir... TURNBULL: Hi there. I'll take that. Thank you. TURNBULL: Sir, sir...good news from Washington. Your promotion came through. They must have loved your electrified border idea. We knew they would. On site Field Enforcement Head for the entire Southwest. SEEDLING: Assistant Deputy Commissioner. TURNBULL: That should pay quite a bit more, shouldn't it, sir. SEEDLING: Are you kidding? It's an extra 1500 a year. Of course I'll take it. TURNBULL: Question, about this De Cicco case. We've already invested so many man hours. SEEDLING: Who cares. Let the next guy handle it. I'm outta here. SONG: (IN) "When I think back to all the crap I learned in high school, it's a wonder I can think at all." CONEHEADS Page 19 SONG: (OVER) "And my life with education hasn't hurt me none. I can read the writing on the wall." SONG: (OVER) "Kodachrome.... Give us the nights bright colors, give us the greens of summers, makes you think all the world's a sunny day, oh yeah." SONG: (OVER) "I got a Nikon camera, I love to take a photograph, say mama, don't take my Kodachrome away." SONG: (OVER) "If you took all the girls I knew when I was single...and brought them all together for one night..." SONG: (OVER) "I know they would never match my sweet imagination...and everything looks worse in black and white." SONG: (OVER) "Kodachrome...give us the night's bright colors, give us the greens of summers..." SONG: (OVER) "...makes you think all the world's a sunny day, oh yeah." SONG: (OVER) "I got a Nikon camera, I love to take a photograph, say mama, don't take my Kodachrome away." PRYMAAT: (HUMS) BELDAR: Ah, good morning, consumption of mass quantities. Grid like breakfast slabs, extruded mammal tailings, seared strips of swine flesh and flattened chicken embryos. I will enjoy it. PRYMAAT: What is a seven letter word for a tomb in ancient Egypt which is a quadrilateral CONEHEADS Page 20 masonry mass having smooth steeply sloping sides meeting in an apex? BELDAR: A Flindar! PRYMAAT: Ahh... CONNIE: Good morning parental units. BELDAR: Dawn greetings, young one. PRYMAAT: What would you like for consumables? Pop Tarts, Chicken embryos? Seasoned patties of ground animal flesh? CONNIE: I'm not really hungry. Just some Tang. PRYMAAT: Ah, Tang. The drink the astronauts took to the moon. BELDAR: Astronauts to the moon. (LAUGHS) PRYMAAT: The pro shop called. Your new putter has arrived. BELDAR: Ah, my Hawk True Flex Power Point with graphite shaft. A secret of golf pros everywhere. A truly manly putter. BELDAR: Ahh... BELDAR: (FACE OFF) What have you done to your cone? CONNIE: Nothing. BELDAR: No? Turn around. BELDAR: Ahhh... CONNIE: Ahhhh! It's not a real tattoo. BELDAR: Mebs. Mebs. Unacceptable. CONNIE: It's just a decal. Everyone's wearing them. BELDAR: If everyone jumped into the Bitumious Cauldron, would you jump in, too? CONNIE: I am not a little cone anymore, Dad. BELDAR: Maintain low tones with me. Maintain low tones. Now go to the hygienic chamber and CONEHEADS Page 21 remove it. Also you are wearing far too much lip and cheek enhancement. CONNIE: Mom? My makeup looks okay, doesn't it? BELDAR: Do not invoke the approval of your other parental unit. Now, if you wish to accompany me to the enclosed retail compound, you will make the necessary corrections. And remove the decal. CONNIE: Fine. PRYMAAT: Beldar... BELDAR: She looked like a common flathrag on payday. LISA: I don't know what went wrong with these roses this year. Maybe I need a gardener. LARRY: Look sweetie, I'm not going to pay some guy to dig in the dirt. LISA: Larry, I told you to take that thing to a professional. LISA: (OFF) You'll save money in the long run. LARRY: I should have got an electric one. LARRY: Beldar is that you? BELDAR: Correct. LARRY: Bel... (CHUCKLES) Pry...ah, buddy you got a minute? BELDAR: Of course. LARRY: The damn lawnmower won't start. You know, you're so darn good with machinery. Would you mind taking a look at it? BELDAR: I do not mind. PRYMAAT: (OFF) Greetings... PRYMAAT: ...Lisa. Excellent crop of decorative growth. LISA: You're being nice. CONEHEADS Page 22 PRYMAAT: Yes. BELDAR: (OFF) Uhm, standard three horsepower... BELDAR: ...internal combustion chlorophyll-stalk slicer. There is fuel in the device? LARRY: Oh, yeah, yeah. There's plenty of gas in there. I just can't get the damn thing to kick over. PRYMAAT: Perhaps you and Larry will join us for consumption of mass quantities this weekend. We will ignite our new flame pit and char some mammal flesh for you. LISA: That sounds like fun. I'll make some coleslaw. PRYMAAT: Ah, coleslaw. We will enjoy it. LARRY: Thanks, Bel... GIRLS: (OVERLAPPING) Connie... How are you? Hi, Mister Conehead. Oh, my god, I love your hat. Let's go. It's so cool. GIRLS: Mister Plummer! Can you... Get to the part where he... No... Guess what? No... Oh my god! This song! Oh! SONG: (IN) "Sometimes I feel I've got to runaway. I've got to..." SONG: (OVER) "...get away from the pain you drive into all of me. The love we shared..." RONNIE: Sorry, it's not ready. BELDAR: I do not understand. I have returned at the agreed upon time coordinates. RONNIE: Well, I'm very sorry Mister Conhead... BELDAR: Conehead. The name is Conehead. RONNIE: (OFF) Well look, uh, Mister... CONEHEADS Page 23 RONNIE: ...Conehead, uh, we got a little backed up and it took a little longer than we expected. BELDAR: Unacceptable. BELDAR: Not only have you delayed my departure from... BELDAR: ...here, but the entire series of events which was to follow. What reason could you have for such deception? RONNIE: Look, I don't know who you are or where you're from but... BELDAR: France. We come from France. RONNIE: Fine, sir. The point is it will be ready when it's ready. RONNIE: (OFF) So if you want to... RONNIE: ...take a seat over there, we'll call you when your car is finished. BELDAR: I will comply. What choice do I have? It is as if you've seized me at the base of my snarglies. CONNIE: Hey, Ronnie... RONNIE: What? CONNIE: I just have one question. CONNIE: How can it take so long to do a simple alignment on an American sedan... CONNIE: ...with standard rack and pinion steering, Mac Pherson... CONNIE: ...struts when your garage is equipped with the proper Borg Warner digital hydraulic radiometer? RONNIE: Maybe because I was out back finishing a beer. CONEHEADS Page 24 CONNIE: Okay. SENATOR: (OFF) Now Deputy Commissioner Seedling, before this committee can recommend your appointment to the position of Commissioner... SENATOR: ...there's still several questions regarding your tenure as Mid Atlantic District Chief we'd like answered this afternoon. SEEDLING: Well, Senator, that was a long time ago and, ah...very busy office. I won't be able to recall everything that came across my desk. SENATOR: Well, we won't be asking you about everything. SENATOR: (OFF) Just case number 889343-B. SENATOR: The so called... De... De... TURNBULL: De Cicco. SENATOR: (OFF) De Cicco file. SEEDLING: Yes, I... I do remember that case. SENATOR: In an unsuccessful pursuit, labeled by some as excessive, you authorized the expenditure of... SENATOR: (OFF) ...a quarter of a million dollars to apprehend what you believed was an illegal alien from another planet. SENATOR: A spaceman. SEEDLING: Excuse me. SEEDLING: Actually, Senator, I, ah... I never said on the record that I thought they were spacemen... SEEDLING: (OFF) ...uhm...and the case... SEEDLING: ...is still open. And I... I feel that when we make this apprehension, the expense CONEHEADS Page 25 will be well justified... (NERVOUS PAUSE) ...is what I feel. SEEDLING: I can't believe my appointment's being held up by that piece of crap De Cicco case. TURNBULL: I know, I know. SEEDLING: I want the whole file put back in the system flagged at red levels. TURNBULL: Yes, sir. Right away. SEEDLING: Why me? Huh? Why me? TURNBULL: I don't know. SEEDLING: The system always screws the guy that works the hardest. TURNBULL: It's unfair. It's not right. SEEDLING: And politicians? Ah...they don't even care. TURNBULL: It's the system. SEEDLING: The phone's ringing. TURNBULL: The phone rings all the time. SEEDLING: No, Eli... TURNBULL: Oh, the phone! I'll get it. I'll get it. SEEDLING: This guy's out there somewhere, and he's going to make a mistake. And when he does, we'll nail him. RONNIE: You know, I've never dated a girl taller than me before. CONNIE: Oh, really? CONNIE: I've always been tall. RONNIE: So, both your parents from Europe, or... CONNIE: Ah ha. RONNIE: When did they come to America? CONNIE: Ah, before I was born. RONNIE: Yeah... RONNIE: ...my grandfather's from the old country. CONEHEADS Page 26 CONNIE: Oh... CONNIE: ...really? Which one? RONNIE: Mm... I'm not sure. One of the big ones. CONNIE: Oh. RONNIE: (OFF) Wow! RONNIE: My mom's the only other woman I've ever known who could take a sandwich like that. God! CONNIE: Are you going to eat that? RONNIE: No, no. RONNIE: You're something special. RONNIE: You know that? LISA: So, Beldar's giving this woman beginning driving lessons for the fifth time, huh? That's interesting. PRYMAAT: Interesting. Why is that interesting? LISA: I mean, the same woman. Think about it. PRYMAAT: The same woman. LISA: It's been my experience that the more you think about it, the more you probably should worry... LISA: ...because, all men are pigs. PRYMAAT: Ah...pigs. An omnivorous domesticated cloven hoofed vertebrate that defecates in the same place it consumes. LISA: Exactly. You should be very careful with Beldar. He's got that continental accent that some women find... LISA: (OFF) ...irresistible. PRYMAAT: (SCREAMS) PRYMAAT: (CONTINUES TO SCREAM) PRYMAAT: (LAUGHS) CONEHEADS Page 27 GLADYS: I really like it when you watch me drive. GLADYS: Whoops. WORKMAN: Watch it, lady! GLADYS: (OFF) It's funny. It's like you've been... GLADYS: ...instructing me all my life. GLADYS: Yes. It's almost as if you've controlled me completely. GLADYS: (POUTING) Beldar, I just don't think I'm ready for this test yet. I really don't. I can't... Oh, listen to me. GLADYS: I'm okay. GLADYS: I'm just...human. GLADYS: (OFF) And, uhm... GLADYS: ...weak. BELDAR: Gladys... BELDAR: ...look at me. GLADYS: Oh, yes. BELDAR: I am your teacher, you are my student. BELDAR: It is natural that you harbor certain feelings for your driving instructor. BELDAR: But you must understand, nothing can come of this. BELDAR: Fifty-eight U.S. dollars... BELDAR: ...please. GLADYS: You are one of the finest men I have ever met. BELDAR: When my species comes to rule this planet, your name will be on the protected rolls, and you will come to no harm. GLADYS: You are wise, but there's a sadness to your wisdom. CONNIE: Ronnie, don't. Please? CONEHEADS Page 28 RONNIE: Come on, Connie. I told you how I feel about you. RONNIE: Doesn't that mean anything? CONNIE: It means a lot. RONNIE: Well, it's like...you know, I pick you up, I take you out... RONNIE: ...I bring you home, we say goodnight....and you never kiss me. What, is there something wrong with me or something? CONNIE: Of course not. It's just... My parental units... Well, we've never been really affectionate, and... I'm afraid I don't know how. RONNIE: It's easy. All you do is lean forward and kiss, like this. CONNIE: Ronnie, don't. CONNIE: Ronnie... I am not ready! RONNIE: Oh, you're ready. CONNIE: Don't. Ronnie! PRYMAAT: Greetings. How was your date with Ronnie? CONNIE: Daddy was right. Earth boys only care about one thing. PRYMAAT: You mean Ronnie was behaving like a flairndep. CONNIE: Flairndep? PRYMAAT: Flairndep. An uninvited grasper of cone. A masher. A hustler. BELDAR: Flairndep?! RONNIE: Hi, Mr. Conehead. BELDAR: I find you unacceptable! RONNIE: Yes sir. CONEHEADS Page 29 BELDAR: If I did not fear incarceration by human authority figures... BELDAR: ...I would terminate your life functions by applying sufficient pressure to your blunt skull so as to cause its collapse. RONNIE: Tha... Thank you. BELDAR: Do not worry about the flairndep Ronnie. You will not see him within the Laurel Hills quadrant again. CONNIE: I can't believe you did that. You've ruined my life. BELDAR: Na... Young one, when we return to Remulak, all this will... CONNIE: (OFF) (OVERLAPPING) I don't... CONNIE: ...care about Remulak. That stupid starcruiser is never coming anyway. BELDAR: But...she said... I thought... PRYMAAT: I will attend to the young one. CONNIE: Come in. PRYMAAT: You know, Connie, I read in a magazine you can talk to me about anything. CONNIE: Mom, what does it feel like to...hone? PRYMAAT: Well, for me, the first time it happened so fast I hardly knew I'd honed at all. And after that, it was more repetition than anything else. Oh, my young one, your cone is changing and you feel unsure. CONNIE: How would you know what it's like? You've been married to Daddy for so long. PRYMAAT: I was a young cone myself once. Before I met Beldar I was very attracted to a young Thorasian forger and as far as I was CONEHEADS Page 30 concerned, there was no other life force in the universe that mattered. But then he got a job working at a volcano complex on some moon in the Butumius Cluster. I never saw him again and it broke my blood-valve chamber. I got over it and it worked out for the best, because then I met your father. And I knew then that I had found my true life mate. CONNIE: I love you, Mom. PRYMAAT: The currents of chromobonding between you and your parental units are infinite. BELDAR: Mebs! LARRY: Good shot. So, have you given any thought to what I said about, ah...you know, hair? BELDAR: I do not understand. LARRY: Ah, Beld, it's me, Larry. You don't have to pretend it doesn't bother you. (CHUCKLES) You're a young man, my friend. No reason for you to be skinny up top. I'll let you in on a little secret. It's not all my own hair. Hard to tell, isn't it? BELDAR: Only from a very high altitude. LARRY: Daaa! Well, I'll say no more. Think it over. If you want, I'll be happy to introduce you to my man. BELDAR: Thank you. RONNIE: Hey, Mr. Conehead. RONNIE: Way to blast out of the bunker, huh? RONNIE: It's me, Ronnie. I hope you didn't cut your hand when you tore open my car. (BEAT) I'm fine. CONEHEADS Page 31 BELDAR: Yes, thank you. No problem. Goodbye. RONNIE: Okay. GUEST GOLFER: Hey Chubby, come on! LARRY: All right, Conehead, that puts me four behind you at the turn. BELDAR: Correct. RONNIE: Hey, Mr. Conehead, I'm miserable. I feel so bad for what I did. It feels like somebody's ripping my guts out. She won't take my calls. GUEST GOLFER: Hey, kid... I'm not paying you to yak. GUEST GOLFER: Buddy... GUEST GOLFER: ...what's with the head? (CHUCKLES) LARRY: Forget him. He's not a member. ANNOUNCER: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) That concludes the one meter competition. ANNOUNCER: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) Next will be the three meter board category. ANNOUNCER: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) First diver from the home team, Connie Conehead. COACH: You'll execute a one and a half flip with a twist... COACH: ...and the head and the body enter the water with as little splash as possible. CONNIE: All right. BELDAR AND PRYMAAT: Aaahhh! COACH: Good girl. Keep it up. You've got one more dive. ANNOUNCER: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) Next, diving for Union High, Gale Jenson. RONNIE: You were great. I'm sorry about the other night. I was a real... CONEHEADS Page 32 RONNIE: ...jerk! Okay? PRINCIPAL: (OFF) Connie's our best hope for the state championship finals. BELDAR: Correct. We believe this also. PRINCIPAL: (OFF) You know... PRINCIPAL: ...tell me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I've ever seen you two at any of the parent meetings. What committees are you on? BELDAR: Eeeennnggg! PRINCIPAL: You know, we still need volunteers for the Homecoming gala. BELDAR: Home... PRYMAAT: Coming... Coming... BELDAR: Home... RONNIE: Hi. Look I'm sorry if I... CONNIE: No, I mean I shouldn't have been so... RONNIE: Hey, it was me. Sometimes I just... CONNIE: Me, too. Me, too. RONNIE: If I thought I did anything to... CONNIE: No, you didn't. I mean...I...I mean it. RONNIE: Seriously? CONNIE: Yeah. RONNIE: Wow! I'm glad we talked. PRINCIPAL: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) And now, parents and students alike, if you will direct your attention to... PRINCIPAL: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) ...the sky above the playing field, you will be treated to a display of amateur fireworks, courtesy of... PRINCIPAL: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) ...Beldar Conehead, father of Paramus High's own... PRINCIPAL: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) ...Connie Conehead. CONEHEADS Page 33 MARSHALL: Careful there, Conehead. CROWD: (MOANS AND BOO'S) MARSHALL: Pretty cheap, Conehead. BELDAR: Cigar? PRYMAAT: Is the light keeping you awake? BELDAR: No. BELDAR: Your breathing has become erratic. A torg for your thoughts. PRYMAAT: Beldar, are you content with me? BELDAR: Of course. Why would I not be? Now, I would like to enter my slar phase. PRYMAAT: Let us suppose for some reason my life functions ceased. What would you do? BELDAR: I would incinerate your carcass in the tradition of Ovahdar the Obtuse and put it in a clean dry place. PRYMAAT: Would you find a new geneto-mate to bring to our guz chamber and propagate? BELDAR: Ah, my most precious one. I would collapse. I would draw the shades and I would live in the dark. I would never get out of my slar pad, or clean myself. My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I would die miserable and lonely. The stench would be great. PRYMAAT: Oh, Beldar, you have made me very happy. BELDAR: Yes, I know. Goodnight. PRYMAAT: Life on Earth is good. BELDAR: I agree. Stability and contentment have been achieved. AMPLIFIED VOICE: Lay by and put about. Lay by and put about. CONEHEADS Page 34 SEEDLING: Attention, return to your port of embarkation. SEEDLING: There is no work for you in the United States. SEEDLING: You have no job skills, you'll be a drag on our economy. We appreciate your situation, but we have problems of our own. SEEDLING: Thank you. AGENT: Phone, sir. SEEDLING: (INTO PHONE) Seedling here. TURNBULL: Sir, a FAX just came through on the secure channel. I think we found him. SEEDLING: Don't toy with me, Eli. This time it better be real. PRINCIPAL: Oh... Oh... PRINCIPAL: Hello, Mrs. Conehead... Oh, I've been meaning to talk to you about the Christmas tree lighting ceremony. PRINCIPAL: We've found someone else to... PRINCIPAL: ...head up that committee and won't be needing Mr. Conehead's services after all, so... PRINCIPAL: ...if you could please thank him for me. PRYMAAT: Ah. He will be very disappointed. PRINCIPAL: Mm-hm. LARRY: (OFF) I'm telling you, Bels... LARRY: ...if you just stay on your game, you could win that trophy this year. BELDAR: Ah... A meaningless piece of metal and wood. I compete only with myself. I appreciate the game for its physics, its CONEHEADS Page 35 high level of skill, its self-control and of course, spirituality. LARRY: You're full of it, Conehead. The only reason you're coming to the costume ball is because you think you got a shot... LARRY: (OFF) ...at winning that trophy. BELDAR: (OFF) Negative. BELDAR: Of course, if I should win the trophy I would accept it with limited enthusiasm. BELDAR: Ron... Harv... RON: Beldar, what's happening? HARV: Hey, Conehead, what kind of costume are you wearing to the Halloween dance? BELDAR: I'm not about to tell you, Harv. BELDAR: (OFF) Ehh? BELDAR: (OFF) (READS) Consume alco-beverage. Come get me. BELDAR: (OFF) Ah! Mai-Tai! BELDAR: I will enjoy it. PRYMAAT: Greetings, Earth man. BELDAR: Ha...Ha...Ah...Ehh.... PRYMAAT: It is good to hone in places other than our guz chamber before slar phase. BELDAR: Who said? PRYMAAT: Good Housekeeping. PRYMAAT: (GROWLS) BELDAR: (OFF) Aaahhh... AGENT: What are they doing in there? TURNBULL: It sounds like they stepped on a cat. TURNBULL: (INTO PHONE) Comdec Three. OPERATOR: (OVER PHONE) Forwarding Commissioner Seedling. CONEHEADS Page 36 TURNBULL: Go ahead. SEEDLING: (OVER PHONE) Turnbull? TURNBULL: Yes, sir. We're on them, sir. SEEDLING: (OVER PHONE) Don't make a move without me. TURNBULL: Roger, I understand. No, we won't make a move until you get here. BELDAR: Greetings. SEEDLING: Hello there. We just stopped by to introduce ourselves. We're Jehovah's Witnesses. BELDAR: How do you do? I am Beldar. TURNBULL: We attend the Kingdom Hall... TURNBULL: (OFF) ...on Cove Neck Road. BELDAR: Ah yes. Next to the dry cleaners... BELDAR: ...across from Seven Eleven. TURNBULL: Exactly. SEEDLING: May we ask you a question? BELDAR: Proceed. SEEDLING: Do you agree that the world is headed towards a terrible calamity? BELDAR: Most definitely. In fact I have direct personal knowledge that this is so. TURNBULL: Great. May we come in? BELDAR: Of course. BELDAR: Enter. Assume comfort. BELDAR: My mate, Prymaat. PRYMAAT: Greetings. Be seated. BELDAR: (OFF) So... BELDAR: ...what do you know of the doom awaiting this planet? SEEDLING: Oh, well, as ah...as Witnesses we believe that the end of the world is approaching... CONEHEADS Page 37 SEEDLING: (OFF) ...and that only 144,000 people will be saved to reign. PRYMAAT: I do not believe it will be that many. TURNBULL: Ah, no, the Bible clearly states 144,000 will be saved to reign. BELDAR: That is a very optimistic estimate...considering the primitive weapons the Earth people will use for their defense. PRYMAAT: Some Earth weapons are not so useless. BELDAR: Mebs. Drop it. SEEDLING: Well, ah...when the time comes...no weapon of this Earth shall avail mankind. BELDAR AND PRYMAAT: Correct. SEEDLING: Where are you people from? PRYMAAT: France. We come from France. BELDAR: (OFF) But... BELDAR: ...we are American citizens now. SEEDLING: Do you have proof? BELDAR: (OFF) Proof? SEEDLING: (NERVOUSLY CHUCKLES) CONNIE: I'm going over to Christina's. CONNIE: (OFF) She's gonna give me a ride to the dance. So, uhm... CONNIE: ...I'll see you there. BELDAR: (OFF) All right. SEEDLING: I take it your daughter was born here. BELDAR: Yes. She is native to your plan...ah... BELDAR: (OFF) ...country. SEEDLING: Eh vous le parlez encore ici en Amerique? BELDAR: Oui. Absolument. Mais c'est difficile a practiquer dans cette ville. II n'ya pas beaucoup... CONEHEADS Page 38 BELDAR: (OFF) ...des Francais continentales ici au New Jersey. SEEDLING: Eh vous aussi? PRYMAAT: Oui. PRYMAAT: Je le parle souvent avec mes amis francophones. BELDAR: (BACKGROUND) (SPEAKS FRENCH) SEEDLING: (SPEAKS FRENCH) Oui. Je... BELDAR: (SPEAKS FRENCH) MARLAX'S VOICE: (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Scarlab... Modtrubium... Beldar. Scarlab... Modtrubium... Beldar. PRYMAAT: (SCREAMS) BELDAR: (SPEAKS FRENCH) PRYMAAT: Beldar... PRYMAAT: ...phone for you. BELDAR: Ah. Tell the caller that I will return his call at my next earliest convenience. PRYMAAT: No, Beldar, the Big Phone! BELDAR: (OFF) The Big Phone... BELDAR: Nnnnggggeeehhh! BELDAR: (OFF) I hope that... BELDAR: ...you humans have enjoyed your visit. BELDAR: Come again now. BELDAR: You are leaving. SEEDLING: We haven't finished. How did you arrive in this country? BELDAR: I think you are finished. PRYMAAT: Thank you for coming. TURNBULL: I don't think they bought it, sir. SEEDLING: Well, you just can't talk religion with some people. CONEHEADS Page 39 BELDAR: Connie... CONNIE: Ronnie's gonna give me a ride home tonight, so I won't need a ride. Okay? BELDAR: Negative, young lady. We must speak now. It is imperative! BELDAR: I have good news, my young one. After zerls of waiting... BELDAR: ...our rescue vessel from Remulak is coming tonight. CONNIE: What? BELDAR: You are finally going to see the unparalleled joys of your home planet. CONNIE: I've got to tell Ronnie. BELDAR: Irrational. BELDAR: You will tell no one. CONNIE: Well, what if I said I don't want to go? BELDAR: Oh, my infinitely valuable incarnation. BELDAR: Watching you grow up on this savage planet has caused me great pain. Your young optic receptacles never having observed the sacred peaks of Aardsnaap, the Crater of Culdroth, the Mergziod Labyrinthe. CONNIE: I know. I know, and I'm sure it's all great. CONNIE: And I know that you don't believe me, (BEAT) but I'm in love with Ronnie. BELDAR: (GROANS) CONNIE: Daddy, if you really care... CONNIE: ...you'll let me say goodbye to him. BELDAR: Although my blood valve chamber weighs heavily with your feelings, tonight we must remain together. CONEHEADS Page 40 LISA: You're moving away tonight? LARRY: I...I guess when you get the call to be the driver for the President of France... LARRY: (OFF) ...you gotta go. CONNIE: I have to tell you something really important. RONNIE: What is it? CONNIE: Not here. We have to be alone. RONNIE: All right! MASTER OF CEREMONIES: The awarding... MASTER OF CEREMONIES: ...of the Fairfield Country Club Golfer of the Year Trophy... Not so fast, Carl...for most improved handicap through the season. And the winner is...Beldar Conehead! AGENT: (OFF) The daughter and boyfriend are on the move. CONNIE: Ronnie, before we do anything at all, there's something I have to say. (SIGHS) I'm different from other girls. RONNIE: I know. That's why I love you. CONNIE: Oh, Ronnie! PRYMAAT: I cannot believe she left after you told her not to. Something has corrupted her judgement. BELDAR: When we get back to Remulak, I am grounding her for an entire zerl. And I mean it! BELDAR: (OFF) Nnnaaahhh! BELDAR: Senso-rings?! Where did you get those? CONNIE: Under your bed. BELDAR: Unacceptable. Your cone is too young. BELDAR: Get up. You're coming to Remulak right now. CONEHEADS Page 41 CONNIE: I am staying with Ronnie. BELDAR: Maintain low tones. Impossible. Undesirable. Inadvisable. RONNIE: Then I'm coming with you. I love you. PRYMAAT: Mebs! Human authority figures. BELDAR: We must egress immediately! SEEDLING: (OVER BULLHORN) It's over, Conehead. This is the I.N.S. Come out with your hands up. You're under arrest. SEEDLING: They're going for it! AGENT: Don't move. AGENT: Hold it right there. AGENT: (OVER RADIO) It's the boyfriend. TURNBULL: Sir, it's the boyfriend. BELDAR: Aaaeeehhh! PRYMAAT: Eeennngg! CONNIE: (OFF) Daddy! SEEDLING: Nice maneuver, but it's all over, Conehead. PRYMAAT: Beldar... PRYMAAT: ...I think that is the Jehovah's Witness. BELDAR: Eh? AGENT: Let's cover him. PRYMAAT AND BELDAR: Aaaaeeheehhh! PRYMAAT AND BELDAR: Eeeaahhhhh! AGENT: (INTO RADIO) (MUFFLED COMMANDS) CONNIE: I love you, Ronnie! RONNIE: I love you... AGENT: (OFF) Get back in the car! RONNIE: (OVERLAPPING) ...Connie! TURNBULL: (WHIMPERS) TURNBULL: Gorman, let go! TURNBULL: Gorman... Gorman, I'm serious! CONEHEADS Page 42 SEEDLING: You're not getting away this time, Conehead. You're completely surrounded. SEEDLING: Put the car down! CAPTAIN: (OFF) This is the ship's Captain. CAPTAIN: Secure yourselves into the formplat. We'll initiate mentaglion surge as soon as we go past... CAPTAIN: ...the only moon of this planet. CAPTAIN: No problem. CAPTAIN: (OFF) We have successfully passed their moon and are... CAPTAIN: ...preparing now for mentaglion surge. BELDAR: Remulak! SUPPLICANT: Vlenglariat pla, Highmaster. I know every cone is allowed but four uses of the Bitumius Pleasure Spool, and I partook six. SUPPLICANT: I realize the error of these actions and I vow they will never be repeated. I throw myself at your mertex. Fairnob, smerthail. HIGHMASTER: Smordit. HIGHMASTER: I realize the Pleasure Spools are a difficult... HIGHMASTER: (OFF) ...temptation to resist. Therefore... HIGHMASTER: you will...knarftle the Garthok! SUPPLICANT: Noo! Noo! MENTOT: Fuel Survey Underlord Beldar Florhone... MENTOT: ...and Marlax Zehemsto from... MENTOT: (OFF) ...Protoid Fuel Administration. MARLAX: Gemgleb, Om klath, Marlax im Beldar. HIGHMASTER: Ah, Beldar, survivor of the wilderness planet. CONEHEADS Page 43 HIGHMASTER: (OFF) What offerings do you bring me from the conquered worldlet? BELDAR: Greetings, Revered One. Allow me first to present the gift of two living native beings from the planet. SEEDLING: (OFF) You can do what you want to me... SEEDLING: ...but I will not apologize for doing my job. The United States of America can no longer solve the employment problems of the rest of the universe. HIGHMASTER: (OFF) Silence the slave. HIGHMASTER: Delightful. HIGHMASTER: They will make a fitting sacrifice to Krathnor. HIGHMASTER: What else did you bring me? BELDAR: A multitude of gifts... BELDAR: (OFF) ...from the blunt skulled civilization. BELDAR: A tire iron with four way lug wrench. BELDAR: An owner's manual... BELDAR: ...for a Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable. HIGHMASTER: Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable? BELDAR: A personal conveyance named for its inventor, assassinated ruler, a character of Greco-Roman myth and a small fur-covered mammal. HIGHMASTER: Ah. BELDAR: (OFF) And a dashboard... BELDAR: ...icon. HIGHMASTER: This is all? BELDAR: Certainly not. BELDAR: (FACE OFF) Some... CONEHEADS Page 44 BELDAR: ...chewing gum? HIGHMASTER: (OFF) Sporf. HIGHMASTER: (OFF) More than sporfed. HIGHMASTER: Flarged by this. HIGHMASTER: Kremnots. Beldar... HIGHMASTER: ...come close. HIGHMASTER: Close. HIGHMASTER: What have you done to your face portal? BELDAR: Eehh? HIGHMASTER: Your trelgs? MARLAX: (OFF) Excellency, there is good reason. Beldar lived among the blunt heads... MARLAX: ...so long, he had to adapt to survive. He offered his trelgs. BELDAR: It is known as dental bonding. HIGHMASTER: (OFF) I do not care what it is known as to the blunt skulls. HIGHMASTER: Here, it is known as treason. CROWD: (OVERLAPPING) Treason! Treason! BELDAR: Treason? HIGHMASTER: (OFF) Since it is the festival... HIGHMASTER: ...it is at my discretion to settle things in the ancient ways. HIGHMASTER: (OFF) Therefore, Beldar, you will... HIGHMASTER: ...knarftle the Garthok. CROWD: (OVERLAPPING) Knarftle the Garthok! Knarftle the Garthok! BELDAR: I am no traitor! CONNIE: What's a Garthok? LAARTA: Every zerl since the ancient times, when the three moons align, and the melded light of the crescents causes a garthok to emerge. CONEHEADS Page 45 CONNIE: Ah ha. So, what's a garthok? LAARTA: Our seats used to be way up in the back. LAARTA: These are much better seats! CONNIE: That is a garthok? LAARTA: You can really see it from this vantage. These are very good seats, Marlax. MARLAX: Aaahhh. GUARD: It is time. ATHLETIC CONE: I am Lagtar, disgraced Guardsman. ATHLETIC CONE: I am prepared to fight for my honor. LAARTA: These are great seats! MARLAX: Aaahh. MUSCULAR CONE: I have learned much from watching the garthok battle. It has weaknesses. When my turn comes, I believe I can take him. BELDAR: Ah ha. And let me know when Elvis gets here. GUARD: (OFF) You are next. SEEDLING: This is a first for me. GUARD: (OFF) You are next. SUPPLICANT: No, he's next. BELDAR: No. He said you are next. SUPPLICANT: No. Look, he is next. He is next. BELDAR: Ah, you were ahead of me in the Highmaster's court. I do remember. SUPPLICANT: That was then... SUPPLICANT: ...this is now. GUARD: Knarftle like a cone! SUPPLICANT: No! Yeeaahhgh! GUARD: (OFF) You are next. CONNIE: Daddy! BELDAR: (OFF) (SINGS) Sometimes... CONEHEADS Page 46 BELDAR: (OFF) (SINGS) ...I feel I want to... BELDAR: (OFF) (SINGS) ...eehhh-eehhh... BELDAR: (OFF) (SINGS) ...run away. BELDAR: (SINGS) I want to eehhh-ehhh, get away... BELDAR: (OFF) (SINGS) ...from the pain you... SEEDLING: It's a song. FEMALE CONE: Hmm? TURNBULL: Big hit on Earth. BELDAR: (OVERLAPPING) ...drive into me. BELDAR: (OFF) (SINGS) Part of me... BELDAR: (OFF) (SINGS) ...eehhh-eehhh... HIGHMASTER: (OFF) Combeen. HIGHMASTER: The day is yours, Beldar. HIGHMASTER: (OFF) You have successfully knarftled the garthok. HIGHMASTER: Therefore, a request may be granted. BELDAR: And I have such a request. HIGHMASTER: (OFF) Speak freely. BELDAR: That I be... BELDAR: (OFF) ...permitted to return to Earth. BELDAR: And on my return I will conquer... BELDAR: (OFF) ...the planet Earth and enslave the blunt skulls in the name... BELDAR: ...of my cone heritage. HIGHMASTER: Request granted. BELDAR: I also wish to take the Earth slaves with me. HIGHMASTER: Narg. You may only take one slave. BELDAR: Then I take Seedling, the one with higher office. SEEDLING: (BACKGROUND) Thank you. HIGHMASTER: So be it. CONEHEADS Page 47 HIGHMASTER: Welgrub. HIGHMASTER: Let it be written... HIGHMASTER: Are you writing this? That Beldar shall return to the Humo-carb planet where he shall conquer the blunt skulls... HIGHMASTER: This is vifiscal. Yet I speak and they do not hear. TURNBULL: No one listens. HIGHMASTER: They do not realize the degree of difficulty imposed upon me by my office. TURNBULL: Power is not easy. Ah-ah. HIGHMASTER: I sit in judgement and rule. That is all there is for me. TURNBULL: You have no interior life. MENTOT: Highmaster... TURNBULL: Hi there. Why don't you let me take care of that. He's having a really tough day. Thank you. BELDAR: (OFF) Omglath. Remdreb. BELDAR: Remdreb. Krathnor. Attention all battle unit commanders. Entering outer atmospheres of target planet. BELDAR: (OFF) Hold your global ranging positions. Array mesoton cannon. Stand ready for my attack order. MARLAX: The starfleet has entered the Earth's atmosphere. TURNBULL: They've entered the Earth's atmosphere. HIGHMASTER: Ah! The moment of glory is upon us. TURNBULL: Really big day for you, sir. BELDAR: Landing enabled. Arm cannon. Verify global targets. CONEHEADS Page 48 BELDAR: (OFF) Hold your weapons release until my order. BELDAR: Warning! BELDAR: Warning! BELDAR: (OFF) Danger to battlefleet. BELDAR: (OFF) Presence of enemy laser gun... BELDAR: ...emplacements in satellites detected. BELDAR: (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Proceed to secondary target in Pulsumium chain. BELDAR: (OFF) Lorbsled. Warning. Warning. BELDAR: Danger to battlefleet. BELDAR: Danger to battlefleet. CONE PILOT: Lorbsleb! Lorbsleb! Lorbsleb! BELDAR: Quickly, my family! Run! Run! BELDAR: Your happiness and positive perception of me is vital to my existence. Besides, it is not everyday that a father can give the world to his child. CONNIE: I love you, Daddy. CONNIE: Whoa! MARLAX: Beldar's life functions have ceased. The Earth weapons have silenced him. HIGHMASTER: He died bravely in battle. There is no death more glorious. TURNBULL: He will be missed. HIGHMASTER: He will walk the chosen. TURNBULL: Super guy. BELDAR: I make this proposal to you, Earth creature. Your life in exchange for a green card. SEEDLING: Agreed. Provided you can demonstrate a special job skill that no U.S. citizen possess. CONEHEADS Page 49 BELDAR: That should present no challenge to me. SEEDLING: Ah... I have no objection. BELDAR: Good. BELDAR: Move. Eh-heh-heh-heh. RONNIE: Good evening, Mr. Conehead, Mrs. Conehead. BELDAR: Good evening, Ronnie. Welcome. Enter. BELDAR: You look handsome, yet uncomfortable in your pubescent ceremonial garb. RONNIE: Yeah. You mean my tux, right? BELDAR: Correct. PRYMAAT: Connie is completing her beautification ritual. I will summon her. BELDAR: Ronnie... BELDAR: ...may I have 55 words with you? BELDAR: The frightening statistics of young Earthlings mangling themselves in internal combustion vehicles on the night of prom ritual makes me insist that we use maximum safety awareness. Return at the predesignated time coordinates, and, in fact... BELDAR: ...take my car. Its reinforced alloy superstructure is far superior to that of your broken down rusted-out shit-box. RONNIE: Gee, thanks, Mr. Conehead. CONNIE: Hi, Ronnie. Hi, Daddy. BELDAR: Ah...eh-he...ha... RONNIE: This is for you. CONNIE: Thanks. BELDAR: Present yourselves for image emulsification. PRYMAAT: Say "lactate extract of hoofed mammals". RONNIE AND CONNIE: "Cheese". CONEHEADS Page 50 BELDAR: Excellent. RONNIE: (OFF) Goodnight, Mr. and Mrs. Conehead. CONNIE: Goodnight. BELDAR: Goodnight. PRYMAAT: Goodnight. BELDAR: Ah...Memory. PRYMAAT: We will enjoy them.

THE END