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Ole and Lena Jokes Jokes Compiled and Sometimes Creatively Massaged by Dean Hostager – Norskarv.Com Ole and Lena Jokes Jokes compiled and sometimes creatively massaged by Dean Hostager – norskarv.com Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, "There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant." A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a stinky pig barn. They all went in at the same time. After only two minutes the Dane came running out. Five minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After ten minutes, all the pigs ran out. Ole was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife, Lena, was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 PRETTY DAMN FAST! The next morning Ole got up early and left for work. When Lena woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, Lena put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Ole has been missing since Friday. Ole called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take ta fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Ole, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus." Sven says to Ole "I found dis pen, is it yours?" Ole replies - "Don't know, give it here" He then tries it and says "Yes it is" Sven asks "How do you know?" Ole replies, "Dat's my handwriting!" Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven. God says, "There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It's very serious up there. I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell." So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously. On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell. On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke. Ole doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate. Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, "What are you laughing about?". Ole replies, "Oh dat's funny. I yust got da first yoke!" Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains." "Vy's dat?" Ole asked. "Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know..." Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn't even home last night!" The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $800 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a vile I'll try ta chip in a few bucks myself." Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN." Lars: "Ole, stand in fronna my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking". Ole: "Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No...." Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely, he grumbled: "Vell, der gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance! One fine spring day Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone. "Oh, no", Ole protested. "I vas only doing tirty Officer." "No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop. "Really, Officer, I vas only doing tirty", Ole replied stubbornly. "Well", bellowed the cop, "I clocked you doing FIFTY!" At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. "Officer...you really shouldn't argue vit Ole ven he's been drinking." Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats". Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith." Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'." The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale." Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes. Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven? Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet! Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it! Ole and Sven went fishing one day in a rented boat and were catching fish like crazy. Ole said, "We better mark dis spot so ve can come back tomorrow and catch more fish." Sven then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large 'X'. Ole asked him what he was doing, and Sven told him he was marking the spot so they could come back to catch more fish. Ole said, " Ya big dummy, how do ya know ve are going ta get da same boat tomorrow?" Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the North woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for something to eat, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out. The genie says, "I am the great genie of the North and I can grant each of you one wish. Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof, Ole was gone. Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole." Poof, Lena was gone. Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "What is your wish?". Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena vas back here with me". Ole says to the doctor at the Mayo Clinic: "I got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day." Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?" Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7." Ole went to the doctor for a physical. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live". Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the kitchen. Soon a heavenly aroma came from the kitchen. Lena was making his favorite cookies! "Lena must really love me" he thought. Ole went into the kitchen and started to take a cookie. Lena slapped his hand away and said "Get avay! Dese cookies aren't for you, der for da funeral!" One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and, having just returned from church with Lena, he was feeling a little religious. "God," said Ole, "Ven you made Lena, vy did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant ta hold?" Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole." "Vell then vy, oh vy," asked Ole, "vy Lord did you make her so stupid?" "So she would love YOU," said the voice. Ole, Lena, and little Ole went to the big City for the first time. They were walking down the street and looking in the windows of the big buildings.
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