Ole and Lena Jokes Jokes compiled and sometimes creatively massaged by Dean Hostager – norskarv.com

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, "There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?"

The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."

A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a stinky pig barn. They all went in at the same time. After only two minutes the Dane came running out. Five minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After ten minutes, all the pigs ran out.

Ole was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife, Lena, was really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 PRETTY DAMN FAST!

The next morning Ole got up early and left for work. When Lena woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, Lena put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ole has been missing since Friday.

Ole called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take ta fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?

"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.

"Vell, said Ole, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."

Sven says to Ole "I found dis pen, is it yours?"

Ole replies - "Don't know, give it here"

He then tries it and says "Yes it is"

Sven asks "How do you know?"

Ole replies, "Dat's my handwriting!"

Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven. God says, "There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It's very serious up there. I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously. On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke. Ole doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate. Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, "What are you laughing about?".

Ole replies, "Oh dat's funny. I yust got da first yoke!"

Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains."

"Vy's dat?" Ole asked.

"Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know..."

Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn't even home last night!"

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $800 a month for support."

"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a vile I'll try ta chip in a few bucks myself."

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I'm Norvegian?"

"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

Lars: "Ole, stand in fronna my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking".

Ole: "Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No...."

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely, he grumbled: "Vell, der gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!

One fine spring day Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.

"Oh, no", Ole protested. "I vas only doing tirty Officer."

"No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop.

"Really, Officer, I vas only doing tirty", Ole replied stubbornly.

"Well", bellowed the cop, "I clocked you doing FIFTY!"

At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. "Officer...you really shouldn't argue vit Ole ven he's been drinking."

Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats".

Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale."

Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?

Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!

Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

Ole and Sven went fishing one day in a rented boat and were catching fish like crazy. Ole said, "We better mark dis spot so ve can come back tomorrow and catch more fish."

Sven then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large 'X'. Ole asked him what he was doing, and Sven told him he was marking the spot so they could come back to catch more fish.

Ole said, " Ya big dummy, how do ya know ve are going ta get da same boat tomorrow?"

Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the North woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for something to eat, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.

The genie says, "I am the great genie of the North and I can grant each of you one wish.

Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof, Ole was gone.

Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole." Poof, Lena was gone.

Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "What is your wish?".

Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena vas back here with me".

Ole says to the doctor at the Mayo Clinic: "I got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day."

Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?"

Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7."

Ole went to the doctor for a physical. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live".

Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the kitchen. Soon a heavenly aroma came from the kitchen. Lena was making his favorite cookies! "Lena must really love me" he thought. Ole went into the kitchen and started to take a cookie. Lena slapped his hand away and said "Get avay! Dese cookies aren't for you, der for da funeral!"

One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and, having just returned from church with Lena, he was feeling a little religious.

"God," said Ole, "Ven you made Lena, vy did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant ta hold?"

Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole."

"Vell then vy, oh vy," asked Ole, "vy Lord did you make her so stupid?"

"So she would love YOU," said the voice.

Ole, Lena, and little Ole went to the big City for the first time. They were walking down the street and looking in the windows of the big buildings. Little Ole spotted something that caught his eye and ran into a building. Big Ole and Lena followed him.

There they all stood in front of a shiny metal door that was cut into a wall of black marble. A chubby, elderly, gray haired lady walked up and pushed a button on the wall next to the door. The door opened and she walked into the little room behind the shiny door. The door closed and the numbers above the door counted up and then down again. The shiny doors opened and a beautiful, curvacious young lady walked out.

Little Ole said, "What kind of machine is dat, Pa?"

Big Ole replied, "I don't know little Ole, but push dat button and shove your Ma in der."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Vy sure," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Ver ya from?"

"Norvay," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norvay too! Let's have anudder round to Norvay."

Curious, the first man then asks: "Vere in Norvay are ya from?"

"Bergen," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have anudder drink to old Bergen."

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, vere did you live?"

"On a boat, at da fishin docks," replies the second man.

"Dis is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I lived on a boat at da fishin docks, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."

Ole went to the Doctor because he was feeling a little sick. After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease that is incurable and you are going to die in 6 months. But to help you out I'm going to prescribe that you move in with your mother-in-law."

Ole replied, "Criminy, dat's bad Doc, but vy should I move in vit my old mudder-in-law."

The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life."

Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

Ole says, "Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

Ole says, "I tried ta call da doctor."

Lena asks her boyfriend Ole to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, Lena tells Ole that after dinner, she would like to go out and (vell ya know) for the first time. Well Ole is ecstatic, but he has never (vell ya know) before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection.

The pharmacist helps Ole for about an hour. He teaches Ole everything there is to know about protection and (vell ya know). At the register, the pharmacist asks Ole how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. Ole insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night Ole shows up at the Lena's parent's house and meets her at the door. "Ole I'm so excited for you ta meet my parents, come on in." Ole goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where Lena's parents are seated. Ole quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and Ole is still deep in prayer with his head down. Three minutes of praying pass and still no movement from Ole. Finally, after five minutes of praying with his head down, Lena leans over and whispers to her Ole, "I had no idea you ver so religious."

Ole turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your fadder vas a pharmacist."

Ole and Lena visit New York City. Caught in traffic on East 46th, a homeless person starts washing the windshield. Ole rolls down the window.

"Eh how's it going?" the homeless guy says.

"Ohhh it's OK.” Ole says.

"Hey where are you folks from?"

"Ohh ve're from Minnesota."

"Ohhh Minnesota, I've been there. I met the ugliest woman I ever saw in Minnesota!"

Lena asks "Vat's he saying Ole?"

"Ohhh he says he knows you Lena."

Ole answered the phone one day and came back to the living room crying.

"Vell, Ole! Vat in da vorld is da matter?" asked the sympathetic Lena.

"I yust had bad news, Lena," Ole replied, "My fadder yust died!!"

Just then the phone rang again, Ole went to answer it and came back crying again.

"Vell, now, Ole, vat is da matter?" asked Lena.

"Dat vas my brudder." said Ole. "His fadder yust died too!"

Sven & Ole were working for the city of Minneapolis. Sven would dig a hole - he would dig, dig, dig. Ole would come along and fill the hole - fill, fill, fill. Sven and Ole worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally, he had to ask them.

He said to Sven the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes along behind you and fills it up again!"

Sven, replied, "Yeah, I suppose it does look funny, but Lars, da guy who plants da trees is sick today."

Ole always caught his limit of fish and he would never tell anyone his secret. Finally, the Game Warden threatened to take away Ole's license unless Ole taught him how he did it.

Ole finally agreed to meet him early one morning to go fishing. The Game Warden came with six rods and three tackle boxes, so he'd be ready for anything. Ole showed up with a small brown paper bag.

They climbed in a row boat and Ole rowed out to a spot on the lake. Ole then opened his bag and pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit it and tossed it into the water. After an explosion and shower of water, dozens of fish floated to the surface. Ole started to row the boat around picking up fish.

The Game Warden was surprised and furious. He shouted, "Ole, you can't do that! It's against the LAW!"

Ole calmly reached into his bag and took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He tossed it to the Game Warden and asked, "Vell, are ya gonna to talk? Or, ya gonna fish?"

Sven and Ole were busy shingling a roof when Sven noticed that Ole was throwing away about half of the nails.

Sven asked, "vy are ya trowing avay all dose nails"?

"Vell, dey got da heads on da wrong ends!", replied Ole.

"Ole, you sure are stupid. Dose nails are for da udder side of da roof!"

Ole and Sven die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around a fire. The devil asks them "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?

Ole and Sven reply, "Vell ya know, ve're from Nordern Minnesoda, the land of ice and snow and cold. Ve're yust happy for da chance ta varm up a bit, don 't ya know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you two feel that?"

Again Ole and Sven reply, "Vell, like ve told you yesterday, ve're from Nordern Minnesoda, the land of ice and snow and cold. Ve're yust happy for da chance ta warm up a bit ya know."

This gets the devil a bit steamed and he decides to show these two just who is in charge down here. He cranks up the heat as high as it can go. The rest of the people are screaming and miserable. He stops by to see if his two Minnesota tenants are the same, and is astonished to find them in light jackets and baseball caps, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The devil says "Everyone down here is in absolute misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves! Why?"

Ole and Sven reply, "Vell, ya know ve don't get too many varm days up dere in International Falls, ve just got to have a fish fry vhen da vedder is dis nice."

This absolutely incenses the devil. He can barely see straight. He finally comes up with a plan to set these two straight. These two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives, so he decides to turn off all the heat. The next morning, the temperature in hell is below zero, icicles are hanging off the ceilings, people are shivering so much that they don't even have the strength to complain. The devil smiles and heads over to check on Ole & Sven.

He arrives and finds the two back in their parkas, hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, and giving each other hi-fives. The devil is now quite dumbfounded, "I just don't understand, I turn up the heat and you're happy. Now I turn off the heat, it's freezing and you're still happy. Why?"

Ole and Sven stop their celebration and look at the devil with a surprised look and say "Vell, don't ya know, hell froze over... dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl!"

It seems Ole had at last scraped up enough money to fly back to Norway to visit his relatives. He was excited and happy and when he boarded the airplane he took the first seat he came to, in first class. Very shortly another passenger came up to him and said, "Sir, you'll have to move. That's my seat. I have the ticket for it."

"You don't understand," Ole answered. "I'm going back to Norway for the first time and I'm so excited and I need this front seat."

No amount of talking could get Ole to move, so the passenger summoned the stewardness who said, "Sir, that is this gentleman's seat and you'll have to move."

"You don't understand," Ole said again. "I'm going back to Norvay for da first time and I need dis seat so I can get off da airplane quickly to see my relatives."

The stewardess tried and tried, but couldn't get Ole to move. She finally called the captain, but he couldn't do any good either until he finally leaned down and whispered something in Ole's ear.

Ole then said, "Oh. All Right." And he quickly moved to his assigned seat in the rear of the airplane.

"What did you tell him?" the amazed stewardess and other passenger asked. "We couldn't budge him."

"Oh," the captain replied. "I just told him this seat didn't go to Norway."

Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that it's a Caesarian."

Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it vould be a Norvegian."

Sven was just pulling his boat up on shore when Ole wandered up with a puzzlement:

Ole: Sven! Vat cho been doin?

Sven: I bin fishin, Ole. Wha cho tink I bin doin with dese here rods?

Ole: Ditcha catch anythin?

Sven: (Under his breath: "Dumb svede.") Of course I catch somethin. Sven alvays catches ven he fishes.

Ole: If I guess how many you catch will you gimme one o' dem?

Sven: If you guesses how many I catch I'll give you BOTH a dem!

Ole: I guess TREE!

Sven: Dat ain't bad for a Svede. You only missed it by TWO!

Sven and Ole were building a house. Sven was holding a board and Ole was sawing it. All of a sudden, the saw slipped and cut off one of Sven's ears. They both were digging through the sawdust to find it, and Ole picked up an ear.

Ole says, " Is this it?

Sven says, "Naw, mine had a pencil behind it."

Ole and Lena had been married seven years. Lena was getting worried that Ole might be getting the seven-year itch. She thought he was cheating on her. Lena says to Ole "You never tell me you love me. Is there someone else?"

Ole replies "When ve got married I told you I loved you. If I ever change my mind, I'll let ya know."

Ole and Lars go ice fishin. Ole pulls out his new thermos and Lars says to him, "Ole, whatcha got der?".

Ole says, "Well Lars, dis here's a thermos. It keeps hot tings hot, and it keeps cold tings cold."

After awhile, Lars gets curious and says, "Vell Ole, whatcha got in dat der thermos?"

Ole says, "Vell Lars, I got a popsicle, and two cups a coffee."

Ole decides he will go into town to buy some groceries. So off he goes. Within a few minutes, he comes to a river. He looks up and down and across, but cannot see either a bridge or a spot to cross. Just as he is about to give up and go home, his good friend Sven arrives on the other side. Ole calls out and asks how to get to the other side. Sven is surprised by the question. He looks up the river and down, then down at his feet and then across at Ole.

Sven responds: "You are on da udder side!"

Ole and Lena had an argument while they were driving down a country road. After a while they got tired of repeating themselves and neither wanted to back down, so they drove along not saying a word.

Than, as they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, Lena sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yup," Ole replied. "In-laws."

Ole and Sven are working on a barn. The wind comes up and blows their ladder over. Ole asks Sven, "How are ve going ta get down?"

Sven looks around the roof for a while then says, "Well ders a manure pile on dat side a da barn ve could jump in to soften da landing."

Ole said, "OK Sven, but you go first, it vas your idea!" So Sven jumps off into the manure. Ole yells down to him, "How deep is it Sven?"

Sven yells back, "Its only up to my ankles!" So Ole jumped down too and they both climb out of the manure pile.

Ole turns to Sven and said, "Sven vat da hell did you mean it vas only up ta your ankles? It vas up ta my EARS!"

Sven replies, "Ya, but I jumped in head first."

Lena stepped up to the clerk in the department store and said, "Can I try on dat dress in da window?"

The clerk responded, "We'd really prefer that you try it on in the dressing room."

A neighbor asked Ole why the Norwegian government doesn't draft men until age 45.

Ole Explained, "Dey vant to get dem right otta high school."

Ole was getting ready to go to work one day when Lena stopped him and complained, "Ole, the vashing machine is broke down don't ya know, I vant ya to fix it!".

Ole walked out the door yelling, "Lena, vat do I look like, da Maytag repairman?"

That evening when Ole got home Lena was standing in the yard and said to Ole, "Ole, da car it von't start! Please Ole, fix da car".

Ole kept walking into the house yelling, "Lena, Lena, vat do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

The next day when Ole came home from work Lena said, "Look Ole, da car, it is fixed and the vashing machine, it is vorking too! Lars down da road come by and I asked him if he would fix it for me".

"And vat did he charge ya for doin' it?", Ole asked. Lena replied, "Vell Ole, he said he would do it for some romance (Vell ya know) or if I baked him a cake."

"Vell, vut kind of a cake did you make him?", asked Ole

Lena replied, "Vat do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

Ole and Lars worked on a construction crew. One day Lars noticed that the foreman always left the project about an hour early. "Say Ole," suggested Lars, "Vy don't WE take off a little early too... yust like da foreman."

So they agreed to try it. As soon as Ole got home, he looked all over for Lena. Finally, he opened the bedroom door...and there she was (Vell ya know) in bed with the foreman. Ole silently closed the door and tiptoed out of the house.

The next day Ole confronted Lars. "Ve better not try anudder stunt like ve did yesterday. I almost got caught!"

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, "Yep, dat's her!"

Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.

"Ole, vere did ya get dat car?" Sven asked.

"Lena gave it to me".

"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?".

"Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off alla her clothes and said, "Ole take vatever you vant."...So I took da car"

"Ole, you’re a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."

Ole and Sven, the old retired Norwegian boys, lived at the Old Retired Norwegian Home.

One afternoon they were sitting on the front porch looking at the sunset and talking about this and that. Lena, who lived there too, was standing around the corner and heard the boys talking. Being a mischievous lady, Lena decided to play a trick on the boys.

Taking off all her clothes, she ran around the corner and raced past Ole and Sven as fast as she could run.

Ole and Sven watch in astonishment as Lena runs past. Finally, Ole asks, "Vasn't dat Lena?"

Sven replies, "Yah, ay... ay tank so..."

Ole says, "But, vat vas she vearing?"

Sven shakes his head and says, "Yah, ay don't know, but vatever it vas, it sure needed ironing!"

After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?"

"Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?" "Well, er, yes - but only tree times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed.

"Hmmm, tree times?" questioned Ole. "Dat's not so bad. Do you remember dose tree times? Can you tell me when?"

"Vell Ole, do you remember ven you wanted to build an addition, but had to get da okay from da building inspector?" she asked. "Dat vas da first time."

"And do you remember ven you wanted ta build da store and you had a hard time getting approval from da City Council?" asked Lena. "That vas da second time."

"OK, Lena, when vas da tird time?" asked Ole?

"The third time vas " Lena paused. "Do you remember ven you were running for president of da Sons of Norway and you needed dose 125 votes?"

Ole and Lena were lying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "Vell, how da hell should I know, dats over 2,000 miles away" and he hung up.

Lena say's "who vas dat Ole?"

Ole say's "Hell if I know, some guy vants ta know if da coast is clear."

Sven runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. Ole the Vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. Ole examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells Sven that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

Sven, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

Ole goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at Ole and meows.

Ole looks at the Sven and says, "I'm sorry, but da cat tinks dat your dog is dead too."

Sven is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. Ole then brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at Ole and barks.

Ole looks at Sven and says, "I'm sorry, but da lab tinks your dog is dead too."

Sven, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks Ole and asks how much he owes.

Ole answers, "$650".

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaimed Sven.

"Well," Ole replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 vas for da cat scan and da lab test."

A bar customer asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a Norwegian joke. The bartender pointed to a large man at the end of the bar and said, "He's Norwegian.'' Then the bartender pointed to a burly policeman near the door and repeated, "He's Norwegian.'' The bartender finished, ``Now think about whether you want to tell that joke, because I'm Norwegian, too.''

The customer replied, "I guess I won't tell that joke after all. I'd have to explain it three times.''

Every year for the 17th of May parade the Swedes line up on one side of the road for the parade, the Norwegians on the other side. Those crazy Swedes would throw firecrackers at the Norwegians. Of course the Norwegians would get mad and light the firecrackers and throw them back.

Ole goes into a lumber yard to buy some 2x4's."May I help you", asks the salesman. "How long do you want' em?"

Ole replies: "Oh, for long time. I'm building a house."

Sven came home to his apartment one night, all upset. "Dat yanitor, vot a bragger. He says he's (Vell ya know) been with every voman in dis building except one."

"Hmmph," said his wife Lena. "Must be dat snooty Mrs. Johnson on da tird floor."

Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come da girls aren't friendly to me?"

"Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a big potato in your swim trunks, dat would help."

So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried vat you told me with da potato, but it doesn't help."

"Um, Sven, you're supposed to put da potato in da FRONT!"

In the middle of the show, Ole stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, "HEY! You've been making too many jokes about us Norwegians! Knock it off ya bum!"

The ventriloquist replies, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!"

Ole replies, "You idiot, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to dat little guy sitting on yer knee!"

Ole was on his deathbed and implored his wife Lena, "Lena, ven I'm gone, I vant you to marry Sven Svenson".

"Vy Sven Svenson?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all of your life!"

"Still do," gasped Ole.

The Swedes and the Norwegians had a football game, starting at 10 a.m. For two hours they played a scoreless game.

When the lunch bell rang at high noon, the Norwegians walked off the field to go home for lunch.

Three plays later, the Swedes scored.

Ole and Sven are standing on a bridge fishing in the river below. Suddenly Sven sees in the distance a funeral procession coming. Sven reels in turns, toward the road, places his fish pole over his shoulder and stands at attention until it passes by

Ole says "Vy Sven dat vas such a respectful ting to do. I am really proud of you for doing it."

Sven says "Sure Ole, but do ya know I vas married to dat voman for tirty-five years".

Ole and Sven go moose hunting every winter without any success. Finally, they come up with a foolproof plan. They get a very authentic female moose costume and learn the mating call of a female moose. The plan is to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, don their costume, and begin to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call is answered when a bull comes crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull is close enough, Ole shouts, "Okay, let’s get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Sven in the back shouts, "Da zipper is stuck! Da zipper is stuck! Ole, vat are ve gonna do?"

Ole says, "Vell Sven, I'm going ta start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Ole and Lena were married for 40 years. When they first got married Ole said, "I am putting a box under da bed. You must promise never ta look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Lena never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1934.87 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Lena could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry Ole. For all dese years I kept my promise and never looked inta da box under our bed. However today da temptation vas too much and I gave in. But now I need ta know vy do you keep da cans in da box?"

Ole thought for a while and said, "I guess after all dese years you deserve ta know da truth. Whenever I vas unfaithful ta you I put an empty beer can in da box under da bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Lena was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all dose years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess dat 3 times is not dat bad considering da years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Lena asked, "Ole, vy do you have all dat money in da box?" Ole answered, "Oh, whenever da box filled with empties, I cashed em in."

Lena goes to the doctor and complains that her husband Ole is losing interest in (Vell ya know). The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into some of Ole's mashed potatoes at dinner.

About a week later, Lena is back at the doctor.

Lena says, "Doc, da pill verked great! I put it in da potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes, and Ole jumps up, rakes all da food and dishes on da floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on da table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Naah," Lena says, "Dat's okay. Ve aren't going back ta dat restaurant anyvay."

Ole is traveling on a train and learns that he and pretty woman who he's never met before have to share the same sleeping carriage.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, Ole on the lower bunk.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes Ole and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

Ole leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend ve're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," Ole replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

One day Ole gets a plan to make some money so he goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. Ole rings the door bell and says, "Hello, is der anyting I could do for you ta make some money?"

The man thinks and says, "Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage."

Ole says, "O.K., How much vill ya pay me?"

The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?"

Ole quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, "50 bucks, I hope he knows the porch goes all around the house!"

Two hours later Ole knocks on the door and says, "O.K. I am done. Can I have da money now?"

Surprised the man replies, "OK, let me get the money"

He comes back and Ole says as he is leaving, "By da vay, Dat's a Ferrari, not a Porch-e!"

Wanting a portrait with which to surprise her husband, a beautiful woman asks talented artist Ole to to paint her in the nude.

"No," Ole replies. "I don't do dat sorta ting."

"But what if I double your fee?" asks the woman.

"Nope, sorry. Von't do it." replies Ole.

"How about I give you five times what you normally get?" pleads the woman.

"Oh, okay den," says Ole, "But I'm keeping my socks on. I need a place ta put my brushes."

Two bowling teams, one Swedish, one Norwegian, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament. The Swedish team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the Norwegian team rides on the top level.

The Swedish team, down below, is wooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the Norwegians upstairs. So, he decides to investigate.

When the Swede reaches the top, he finds the Norwegian team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

"What's going on up here?" asks the Swede. "We're having a great time downstairs!"

"Ya," screams a terrified Norwegian, "but you've got a driver!"

Ole was driving in traffic when he was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the Ole's car and asked, "Are you going to Oslo?"

"Sure," answered Ole, "Do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said Ole.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of Ole's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Oslo when suddenly he was horrified. There was Ole walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.

With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the Ole. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Ya, I know ya did," said Ole, "but yust as ve got der it looked like it vas goin ta rain, so ve decided to go see a movie instead."

Ole walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.

"But I alvays buy it here", Ole says. "I bought one last month".

Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, " I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time". "Sure", Ole replies. "I'll bring it vith me tomorrow"

The next day, Ole walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. "This is just a normal deodorant", the pharmacist tells Ole, "You use it under your arms".

"No, it is not", Ole answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom".

Ole tried to sell his car. He was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, he told his problem to a Sven who worked at the gas station. Sven told him, "Ole, der's a way ta make da car easier ta sell, but it ain't legal."

"Dat don't matter," replied Ole, "If I only can sell the car, dat's ok."

"Okay," said Sven. "Here's da address of a frienda mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell em I sent you and he vill turn da counter in yer car back ta 50,000 miles. Den it von't be a problem ta sell yer car anymore."

The following weekend, Ole made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, Sven asked Ole, "Vell Ole, did ya sell yer car?"

"No," replied Ole, "Vy should I ya dummy? Now it only has 50,000 miles on it."

Ole and Lena were always out of ice in their home. They couldn't make it. They could never remember the recipe!

Ole gives Lena a new cell phone for Christmas. The next day she's at Wal-Mart and the phone rings. Ole is on the phone and asks her how she likes her new cell phone.

Lena replies, "Great Ole but howda know I was at da Wal-Mart?!

Ole, Sven and Lars are in jail for stealing Lutefisk when they decide to break out. To their amazement, their plan works and they find themselves free and on the run.

Ole sees a barn. "Let's hide in da hayloft of dat barn, dey'll never find us in dere!"

After sleeping the night in the barn, Ole hears police officers outside. One of the officers yells, "Come out with your hands in the air you lousy Lutefisk lifters!"

Ole says to Sven and Lars, "Hide in dose baskets over dere. Dey'll never find us in dose!"

So Ole gets in the first basket, Sven gets in the second basket and the Lars gets in the third basket.

Meanwhile, the officers get a ladder set up and are climbing up to the loft. Once they get up, one officer starts kicking the baskets.

He kicks the first basket. Ole's inside and shouts, "RUFF-RUFF!"

"It's just a dog in this one!" yells the officer.

He kicks the second basket. Sven's inside and shouts, "MEOW!"

"It's just a cat in this basket!" yells the officer.

He kicks the third basket and the Lars yells out, "POTATOES!"

Lena is taking a shower when the doorbell rings. Ole, in the bathroom upstairs, yells for her to get the door. Lena throws a towel on and runs down to open the door. Sven, their neighbor is there. Sven looks at Lena with only her towel on and says, "Lena if you drop da towel, I vill give you five-hunnerd dollars."

So Lena drops her towel. Keeping his promise, Sven gives her the money and leaves. Lena closes the door and goes back to the bathroom. Ole asks her, "Who vas dat?

Lena replies, "Oh, dat vas Sven from next door." Lena thinks fast. "I don't know vat he vanted doh."

Ole then asks, "Did he say anyting about da five-hunnerd dollars he owes me?"

Ole goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch with my finger hurts."

The doctor asks "What do you mean?"

So Ole shows him what he means. He touches his knee and says "Ouch!" Then he touches his chest and says, "Ouch!" Then he touches his shoulder, "Ouch!"

The doctor looks at Ole and shakes his head. "Ole you dummy, you got a broken finger!"

Ole went to the Sons of Norway Hall one night and finally won the door prize, which was a toilet brush. He was so excited that he won he brought it home and used it often. Someone asked him during the next meeting what the prize was and if he liked it or not. Ole replied, "Yea I like the toilet brush, but I think I'm gonna go back to using paper."

Ole goes out one day to use the outhouse, and he finds Sven there. Sven has his wallet out, and he's throwing money down into the hole of the outhouse. Ole asks, "Uff da! Sven, watcha doin' there, fella? You're throwing the five-dollar bill and the ten-dollar bill down into the hole of the outhouse! Whatcha doin' that for?" Sven answers, "Well, when I pulled up my trousers I dropped a nickel down there—and I'm not going down into that mess for just a nickel!"

One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, 'Good morning Ole.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, vat is dis?' The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, Ole's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ”Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?”

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

So, Ole leaves Duluth to get a job as a chauffer driving a huge limosine in New York City. The Pope arrives at the airport and Ole picks him up. The Pope wants to do the driving. Ole says that's against company rules, but eventually gives in. The Pope is a terrible driver, he goes up on the sidewalk, he doesn't stop to pay the parking lot toll, it isn't three minutes before a policeman pulls him over. The policeman sees right away that he has a problem on how to hand out the ticket, so he calls his supervisor down at the station & says "I need help in how to give a ticket to someone here who's really important." "Is it the Mayor?" "No, more important than the Mayor?" "Is it the Senator?" "No, more important than the Senator." "Well, then who is it?" Policeman says "I'm not sure. I don't recognize him, but he's got the Pope driving for him."

Ole and Sven are standing at the base of a flagpole in West Salem, looking up.

A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

“Ve are supposed to find da height of da flagpole,” says Sven, “but ve don't haf da ladder.”

The woman takes a wrench from her purse, loosens a few bolts, and lays the pole down. Then she takes a tape measure from her pocketbook, takes a measurement, announces, “Eighteen feet, six inches”, and walks away.

Ole shakes his head and laughes. “Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!”

Lena was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket near Boyceville, WI. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?' Lena replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied that there were six. The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, Ole stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

Ole said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Ole gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I jus von da lottery! Pack your bags!"

Lena says, "Great! Vhat should I pack for? Da ocean or da mountains?"

He says, "I don't care! Just be out by da end of da week!"

Ole is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

Ole says, "Sure." and shows him a picture of his wife, Lena.

The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

Ole says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

Ole wasn't feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife, Lena, aside, and said, "your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn t have to do anything himself."

On the way home Ole asked with a note of concern "Vhat did he say?

"Vell," Lena responded, "he said it looks like you probably von't make it."

Sven and Ole were talking one afternoon when Sven tells Ole, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only dis year I'm a gonna do it a little different. Da last few years, I took your advice about where to go."

"T'ree years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Lena got pregnant."

"Den two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Lena got pregnant again."

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Lena didn't get pregnant again."

Ole asked Sven, "So, what ya gonna do dis year dat's so different?"

And Sven says, "Dis year I'm taking Lena with me!"

Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery here early this morning.

Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Ole and Lena are driving down the road one day when she sees a baby skunk by the side of the road, next to its dead mama.

"Stop, Ole!" she cries. Lena jumps out, picks up the baby skunk.

"Ole, what do I do with him?"

Ole says, "well, you could hold him in your lap, while we drive home."

"But Ole, what about the smell?"

"Oh, I don't think he'll mind."

Did you hear farmer Ole won a prestigious award? They found him to be out standing in his field.”

OLE WAS walking along a beach and found a lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and told him, "I will grant you one wish but on one condition; whatever you ask for, your mother-in-law will receive the double of it."

Ole thought for a while and said, "All right, give me fifty million dollars and beat me halfway to death."

Ole was searching frantically for a half dollar when Sven strolled by.

"Where did da lose it?" asked Sven.

"Over dere by my car," answered the Ole.

"Well, why don't you do your looking over by your car?"

"Because," said Ole, "Da light is much better here."

Ole gave his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for her birthday. The next year he gave her nothing. When Lena asked why not, Ole answered, "Well, she didn't use the present I gave her last year."

Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Ole answered, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asked.

There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How about if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Ole tried hard but failed at being an inventor. His inventions included:

1. The inflatable dart board.

2. Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.

3. A book on how to read.

4. The solar-powered flashlight.

5. A screen door for a submarine.

6. An Automatic parachute that opens on impact.

7. Helicopter ejection seats.

Ole was driving home from work when he was pulled over for speeding. Two days later he was given another ticket by the same officer for speeding on the same road.

“So,” the officer asked, “Ole, have you learned anything today?!”

Ole said. “Ya, I learnt I need to take a different vay home from verk!”

Ole and Sven are traveling to New York for the first time. Before they leave home, Lena gives the two some advice, "You watch them New York cab drivers. They'll rob you blind." Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.

At the airport, Ole and Sven catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be fifty dollars, gentlemen."

Sven speaks up, "Oh no you don't! Lena warned me about you. You'll only be getting forty dollars from me!"

Ole speaks his mind too, "And you'll only be getting forty from me too ya thief!"

Little Ole is troubled and asks his father Ole, "Did God make me or did Evolution make me?"

Ole tells him, "God did. First, Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies grew up and made more babies, and so on."

Little Ole then goes to his mother Lena and asks her the same question.

Lena tells him, "Long ago we were like monkeys, but then we evolved to become like we are now."

Little Ole runs back to his father and screams, "You lied to me!"

"No I didn't”, Ole replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of da family."

Ole and Lena are on the patio barbequing when Ole says to her, "Lena your butt is getting pretty big. Ya, it's even bigger than da BBQ grill!"

Lena is not amused.

Later that night in bed, Ole asks Lena, "Say, do ya want to, vell ya know?" Lena turns away and grunts.

"What's wrong?" asks Ole.

Lena answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire-up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

Ole said to his wife, “Lena, what would you do if I won da lottery?”

Lena thought for a minute and replied, “I’m sorry Ole, I would take half and leave you.”

Ole looked back at his lottery ticket, “Great, I won twelve dollars. Here’s six. I’ll miss you.”

Ole approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled.

Ole replies, "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, Lena appears out of nowhere."

Ole and Lena have six children. As a joke, Ole began to call his Lena “mother of six” rather than by her first name.

Lena is amused at first. But a few years down the road, she grows tired of it. "Mother of six," Ole would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" Lena gets very frustrated.

Finally, while attending a party with her, Ole jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!"

Lena immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"

One day Ole came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in sexy lingerie.

“Ole, you can tie me up and do anything you want!", Lena declared.

So Ole tied her up and went golfing.

Lena tells Ole, "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"

Ole seems puzzled, "How can I do dat? I don't even know her."

On the advice of Sven, Ole goes to see an old Norwegian Shaman. Ole tells him, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

"Maybe," says the Shaman, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

“Oh sure”, replies Ole, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Lena asked Ole one day, “Ole, will you still love me when I’m old and overweight?”

Ole replied, “Yes, I do.”

Ole tells Sven that somebody stole his credit card a few months ago.

Sven asks, “Dat’s terrible Ole. Did you report da card stolen?”

“Heck no!” says Ole. “He spends less than Lena!”

Ole goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.

Ole then goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.

Lena replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

Ole and Sven walk into a bar and they order some beers. After drinking his, Ole looks into his shirt pocket. They order another round and Ole looks into his shirt pocket again. This goes on for a few more rounds.

Sven is curious, “Ole, why do you look in your pocket after each beer? “Whatcha got in der?”

Ole confesses, “I have a picture of my Lena in der, and when she starts ta look good, I go home.”

Lena is in labor at the hospital ya know. The doctor tells them that he invented a pill that transfers some of the labor pain to the father. To Ole’s dismay, Lena takes the pill.

Lena delivers a boy and Ole is happy it didn’t hurt too much.

Soon after they return home with their baby only to discover the mailman dead on their lawn.

Lena passed away and at the funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bumped the casket into a wall. They heard a faint moan inside the casket. To everyone’s amazment, they opened the casket and found that Lena was still alive!

Well, Lena went on to live another ten more years before she died again, and they held another funeral for her.

While the pallbearers were carrying her out, Ole yelled, “Vatch out for da vall!”

Ole tells Sven, “I’ve been in love with the same woman for 25 years now Sven.”

Sven replies, “Ole that’s vunderful!”

Ole gets a serious look before he replies, “Sven, if my wife Lena finds out, she’ll kill me.”

Ole and Lena are sitting on their porch and Ole is enjoying a beer. Ole says, "I love you."

Lena turns to Ole and says, "Ole is dat you talking or da beer talking?"

Ole says, "Dat's me talking to da beer!"

During a bank robbery, the thief's mask slipped off. He fixed it and asked a hostage.

"Did you see my face?" The hostage had, so the thief shot him. He asked the next hostage, same result.

The thief scowls at Ole and asks him if he saw his face.

"No, but I tink my wife got a good look at you.”

Lena comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says, "Ole just look at me. My legs are heavy, my thighs are getting big, and my boobs are sagging. I could really use a complement right about now."

Ole replies, "Lena your eyesight is a good as ever!"

Sven is at work one day, when he notices that Ole is wearing an earring.

Sven walks up to Ole and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

Ole responds sheepishly, “Don’t make such a big deal out of this, it’s only an earring.”

Sven falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So how long have you been wearing one Ole?”

Ole responds, “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

Ole came home and saw a note on the refrigerator from his wife, Lena.

Lena wrote, "Ole, this isn't working. I'll be staying at my mother's."

Ole opens the fridge, the light turns on, and he says to himself, "What da hell? Da fridge is verking fine!"

Ole asks Sven one day, “Sven, vut does IDK stand for?”

Sven tells him, “I don’t know.”

Ole is digusted, “Cripes, nobody knows!”

Ole was excited when he completed a jigsaw puzzle in six months. Sven told him, “Ya know Ole, dat doesn’t sound so good.”

Ole replied, “Vell Sven, da box says right here, “two-to-four years.”

Lena is watching the news with Ole when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." Lena starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!"

Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always dat risk involved."

After a minute, Lena, still sobbing, says, "Ole, how many is a Brazilian?"

Ole walks into a shoe store and tries on a new pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk.

"Well, they feel a bit tight," replies Ole.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and Ole’s feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.

“Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” Ole replies.

Ole and Sven are sitting on the porch when Sven notices Oles socks. “Ole, did you know that your socks don’t match? You are wearing one blue sock and one red sock.”

Ole replies, “Yep I know, funny ting is I have anudder pair just like it in my drawer at home.”

Lena: "Ole I had a dream. I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."

Ole: "Ya I had da same dream and I saw your dad paying da bill."

Little Ole asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

Ole replies, "That's disgusting son. Don't talk about things like that over dinner!"

After dinner Ole asks, "Now, son, what did you vant to ask me?"

"Oh, nothing," little Ole says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

Ole tells his doctor that he can’t do all the chores around the house like he used to. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English – what’s wrong with me?

“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”

Ole nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell Lena.”

Ole is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. Lena suggests that he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does.

“Well, what did you write in the ad?” asks Lena.

“Here boy!”, Ole replies.

A doctor peroformed a medical procedure on Lena and then warned her, “After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days.”

“Did you hear that?” she asked Ole. “No sex for three days.”

“Oh, I heard,” Ole said. But she vas talking to you.”

Sven and Ole were drinking some suds when Sven started looking peeved by the text message he’d just received.

“Ole, you ever have an ex-girlfriend that just won’t go away?” Sven asked.

“Yeah,” Ole replied. “Dat would be my wife Lena.”

Lena is scrambling eggs when Ole bursts into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he cries. “Careful! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble dem! Now! We need more butter They’re going to stick! Careful! Now scramble dem again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don’t forget to salt dem. You know you always forget to salt dem. Use da salt. Use da salt! Da salt!”

Lena turns and asks, “Ole, what is wrong with you?”

Ole calmly replies, “Vell, I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Lars asks Ole, “Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?”

“I’m all set”, replies Ole. I have da address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

“What da heck is a GPS override.” Asks Sven.

Ole says, “Dat woud be Lena.”

Lena asks Ole, “Ole if I were to die first, would you remarry?”

“Vell,” says Ole, “I’m in good health, so why not?”

“Would she live in my house?”, asks Lena

“It’s all paid up, so yes.” Replies Ole.

“Would she drive my car?”

“It’s new, so yes.”

“Would she use my golf-clubs?”

“No. She’s left-handed.”

At the marriage retreat, the instructor talked about he importance of knowing what matters to each other.

“For example,” he began, pointing to Ole, “do you know your wife’s favorite flower?”

Ole answered, “Pillsbury All Purpose.”

Ole and Lena were attending Lamaze class, when Ole was given a bag of sand to wear to simulate the weight of pregnancy. Ole stood up and shrugged, saying, “Dis doesn’t feel so bad.”

The teacher then dropped a pen and asked Ole to pick it up.

“You want me to pick up a pen as if I were pregnant?” Ole asked.

“Exactly!” replied the instructor.

Ole quickly turned to Lena and said, “Honey, pick up dat pen for me.”

Ole realizes that it’s lunchtime, little Ole is getting very hungry, and Lena is in the shower. So he pokes his head in to ask, “Lena, vat should I feed little Ole for lunch?”

“That’s up to you,” replied Lena. “There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not home?!”

A few minutes later Lena’s cell phone rang and she hops out of the shower to answer it.

“Yeah, hi honey, dis is Ole, vat should I feed little Ole for lunch?”

On Lena’s birthday, Ole decided to wash clothes for once to make her happy. Soon after entering the laundry room, he yelled, “Lena, what setting do I use on da vashing machine?”

“It depends,” Lena replied. “What does it say on one of your shirts?”

“University of Oslo.” shouted Ole.

Ole had double-bypass heart surgery and was in recovery. His doctor came in and explained, “Ole, in six weeks you’ll be able to walk up three flights of stairs, lift 20 pounds, and you can resume your normal sexual activity.”

Ole responded, If I’d have known about dat sex ting, I would’ve had da surgery a long time ago!’

Lena lost her voice during an attack of laryngitis. Ole was helpful and devised a system of taps to help communicate.

One tap meant “Yes.” Two taps meant “No.” Six hundred and forty-three taps meant “Take out the garbage.”

After an impromptu song at church, Lena mused to Ole, “I wonder what key I sang dat song in?”

Ole replied, “I tink mosta dem.”

Ole decided to get a tattoo and had some words tattoed on his back. A few hours later the tattoo artist gets a call from an angry Ole. “Ya bum, you did my tattoo backvard!”

The tattoo arist is confused, “It’s backward?”

Ole continues, “Ya I’m looking at it in da mirror right now!”

Sven was filling out an application when he appeared stuck. “Ole,” asked Sven, “What should I put for length of residence?”

“Oh,” said Ole, “I tink yours is about forty feet.”

Ole and Sven are hunting when Sven keels over. Frantic, Ole dials 911 on his cell phone and shouts, “My friend Sven yust dropped dead! Vat should I do?”

A calm voice on the other end says, “Don’t worry, I can help. First let’s make sure he’s really dead.” After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Ole comes back to the phone.

“OK,” he says nervously to the operator. “Vat do I do next?”

A man is pulled over by a police officer for a broken headlight. The cop looks in the car and sees a collection of knives on the backseat. “Sir,” he says. “Why do you have all those knives?”

“They’re for my juggling act,” the man replies.

“Prove it,” says the cop.

The man gets out of the car and begins juggling the knives just as Sven and Ole drive by.

“Cripes,” says Ole, “I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety test look pretty hard.”

Ole and Lena were walking in the park when a bird splattered Ole on top of her head. Lena offered to go get some toilet paper.

“Von’t do no good.” Said Ole. “Dat bird will be miles away by da time ya get back.”

Lena and Margrit walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?"

Lena chuckled and replied, " No, we aren't even Catholic."

Why did Ole bring a ladder to the bar?

He heard that the drinks were on da house!

Ole orders a pizza and is asked if he wants it cut into 6 or 12 slices.

Ole responds, “Six please. I could never eat 12 slices.”

Ole went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy dis TV," he told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to Norwegians," he replied.

Ole hurried home and put on a hat and fake mustache, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy dis TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to Norwegians," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," Ole thought.

Ole waited a few days, put on a complete disguise and approached the salesman again. "I would like to buy dis TV!"

"Sorry, we don't sell to Norwegians," he replied.

Frustrated, Ole exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Norvegian?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Ole goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, he comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "Dis book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."

The librarian says to her coworkers, "Hey I found the person who took our phone book!"

Sven, Lars and Ole are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. Sven immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" He turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. Lars jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" He turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn.

Ole is at this point so excited that he jumps off the bridge without thinking of his wish. He panics. "Crap!"

Every day after work Ole and Sven would look for their cars together. Since they could never remember where they parked, they would sit around until all the cars were gone and they could spot their vehicles.

Ole says "We need ta find a faster vay ta get home."

The next day, they come to work on a donkey. After work they come out and see a donkey tied to the fence.

I think we're going to have to wait again, " says Ole. "I'm not convinced dis is our donkey."

"Why not?" asks Sven.

Ole, "Well, dis donkey only has one asshole, and dis morning when we rode in, I distinctly overhead someone say, 'Hey look at those two assholes on that donkey.’”

“Say Ole,” Sven said, “Did ya hear dat Lars got a bicycle for his wife?”

“How in da vorld did he get such a lucky trade?” asked Ole.

Ole and Lena had been married 12 years without any chldren. One day Lena announced that Ole was going to become a papa. Uff Da! Ole was so overjoyed… in fact, he exclaimed that he was going down to the newspaper to put in a notice so their friends would know the good news. When he got back home, Lena asked, “Did you put da notice in da paper Ole? “Yah, I did,” said Ole. “How much did it cost?” asked Lena. “$1,800,” answered Ole. “Uff-da!” exclaimed Lena. “Dat’s an awful lot. Vot dey tell you?” “Vell,” said Ole, “Da lady asked me ‘how many insertions?’ So, I said three times a week for twelve years.”

Doctor: Ole, you seem to be healthy for a man of 75. How is your love life? Ole: Vell, almost every day. Doctor: That’s remarkable. Tell me more. Ole: Vell, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Vednesday, and so on.

Ole and Lena go to the fair and see a helicopter ride. Ole says, “Lena, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter now, I might not get another chance.”

Lena angrily replies, “Ole that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is FIFTY BUCKS!”

The pilot overhears the couple and says, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word, I won’t charge you a penny! But, if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”

Ole and Lena agree and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but Ole and Lena don’t say a word. He does his daredevil tricks over and over but they still don’t say a word.

When they land, the pilot turns to Ole and says, “By golly, I did everything I could to make you yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

Ole replies, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Lena fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is FIFTY BUCKS!”

Ole tells Lena, “I’m going out, but I promise I’ll be home by midnight!”

Ole then goes to his favorite bar and proceeds to down drink after drink until he’s drunk as a skunk. Then, after a long night of drinking, Ole makes his way home. Just as he enters the front door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway cuckoos three times for 3 a.m. Thinking quickly, Ole cuckoos another nine times to make twelve.

The next morning, Lena asks Ole what time he got the previous night. “Oh I got home right at midnight.”, Ole offers. Lena doesn’t complain and Ole feels quite proud for getting away with one!

After a bit, Lena tells Ole, “Well, we need a new damn cuckoo clock.”

Ola is puzzled and asks Lena, “Why do we need a new cuckoo clock?”

“Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘Oh shit!’. Then it cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”