REGULARS

These turkeys in the THE BATTLE OF CAMPERDOWN US had literally“ taken Clone Wars strike at home. my studio photo from Text: Rick O’Neil the Turtlerock site and pretended it was their own… ” So I logged on to the worldwide waste of press the button on suspicious email links unless see pictures of far-off lands and peer inside So what do you do? If you’d been working your It could take a little while.” BATTLE PLAN: time the other night to check my mail – you know the sender. buildings you’d never otherwise visit without a whole adult life to eventually own a studio that’s Make Turkey Head Mastering take my picture Now I don’t know about you but I want what wonderful devices these computing machines huge travelling budget… about as good as you ever dared imagine, and down! But here’s the thing. I knew of the sender, and I want, when I want it, and I wanted Mr with their algae rhythms, terrier bytes and all someone from overseas simply swings by and I presumed by his candid email that he knew So there I am, inside a ‘bona fide’ American Turkey Head and friends to cease and desist Cunning in its simplicity, I know. But let’s that stuff… steals an image of it, what would you do? You’d me reasonably well. We’d previously exchanged mastering studio and you’ll never guess what it immediately, drop my image from their site and face it, I was stuffed. I had nothing except the never have guessed that the next step in the And there it was; a message in my electronic comments on a forum on the web, and I’d looked like. Amazingly, Turkey Head Mastering shrivel up and... well, you know what I thought. truth on my side, and you know what they say evolution of your studio would be to protect it mail basket that wasn’t some guy from Texas always figured him to be a straight-up and polite has a studio exactly the same as mine! Well, not Unfortunately, that’s not how you do things on about the truth; it’s a powerful friend and a from electronic thieves in need of a new ‘look’ worried about the size of my willy, or a lovely guy. So I figured, what the hell, I’m going to exactly the same. I mean, they have the same the worldwide waste of time is it... well is it? devastating enemy. for theirs! These turkeys in the US had literally lady from Russia worried about the size of my press the link to this ‘stolen website’… what’s the one-of-a-kind, only-one-in-existence mastering taken my studio photo from the Turtlerock CASING THE JOINT After the 24-hour ‘deadline’ came and went (by bank balance. A letter had arrived from a well- worst that could happen? console that I’ve been working on for years. But website and pretended it was their own… to I asked my new IT-savvy mastering engineer 30 seconds at least!) I unleashed my devastating meaning mastering engineer in Melbourne. He anybody could get one of them, right? They The guy responsible for the email was Adam convince clients they were ‘professional’! I to find a contact number for Turkey Head forces upon them. I politely and quickly joined thought I might like to know that a mastering have all the same analogue outboard gear; they Dempsey – put your hand up Adam. Could mean, hey, who needs to build a studio when Mastering and in less than an hour he not only every pro audio forum I could find and asked website in the USA was using the Turtlerock even have the same two-tone vanilla and cream somebody who knows that guy standing in a you can just cut & paste one from Down Under? had their email address and phone number, the community at large what they would do promotional picture under false pretenses, roof highlights, which Andy Stewart painted room by himself reading this with his hand up, Geez, that two-tone cream Andy painted on the he also had their personal mailing lists, the if they were in my predicament. That’s right, claiming the studio image as their own. He even while balancing precariously six metres up in please buy him a beer and send me the bill. I’m roof must really be something! parent company’s name, the webmaster, the site there was no real battle plan, no real force to be inferred that the company had ‘stolen it’. the air on the dodgiest ladder we could find. not going into a pub in Melbourne any time creator, Head Turkey’s work extension, his home reckoned with… When he made me buy the extra eggshell cream So what did I do? Well, after a few more ‘Stolen it’, I thought! What madness is this? soon… but I digress. address… his dog’s name, shoe size, etc etc. I tint for the paint, Andy assured me that it was boisterous O.F.F.S's in any number of modulated While I was waiting for the rest of the world I’m sitting in my studio right now; how could was flabbergasted at the info he pulled up. So there I am… finger poised. I press the link ‘the little things that nobody notices that make frequencies, I calmed down, returned an email to wake up and join me on the forums, I somebody steal it without me noticing? I slowly and down the rabbit hole we go! all the difference’. Well, if you haven’t already to Adam Dempsey and asked him how long he I quickly logged onto the parent company’s pulled together every review and mention of glanced around the room just to be sure. Turkey Head Mastering I could find – even the What Adam had found on the worldwide waste guessed where this is going, let me fill you in. thought the photo had been up. He figured it website, and then I really started shouting at Now if your electronic mail basket – ah hell, I’m had been there a while. the computer screen! Turkey Head Mastering Head Turkey’s name – and posted polite but of time was a lovely little company called... well The dodgy thieves at Turkey Head Mastering going to coin a new phrase here to save us all was run by another company that did mass CD confronting messages showing both my website let’s just call them Turkey Head Mastering for had nicked the photo of my studio and pasted So I tried to find Turkey Head’s phone number some time – If your ‘email’ has a message asking duplication, and this particular website had its and Turkey Head’s Mastering’s equivalent. Each now. it up on their website and presented it as their on the website, but guess what? Turkey Head you to go to a certain website, where the subject own flashing photo –again of my studio – that time I asked the simple question: ‘Take a minute own mastering facility! I was flabbergasted! I Mastering was a ‘send it in’-only facility matter seems too good to be true (like the one Turkey Head Mastering’s USA website seems read: “Leave mastering to the experts!” to decide whether you think this is the right mean, who does this stuff?Why would you do (surprise, surprise), where you write your details that says you can increase the size of your willy okay at first. There are some flash graphics, kind of behavior for Turkey Head Mastering to this stuff? down, send them a deposit along with your Once more the cry rang out across my suburb at by 63.78% in two days, or graduate with a PhD including the THX copyrighted logo that you’re be engaging in!’ tracks, and upon receiving the files Turkey Head levels high enough to send any ribbon mic out in brain surgery online in one easy payment), not allowed to use without permission. As it Anger swelled in my toes like a surging geyser, Mastering will ‘professionally master’ them for for repairs: “Oh, for f##k’s sake! Only one person told me the right thing to do you wouldn’t click that link button, would you? loads, a low note sample comes flying through rising faster than I could ever have imagined. you, even making duplicates if you like. Those would be to stop spamming the forums... Fair Surely the electronic doom brigade has trained the speakers and now we’re looking at a lovely Before I could control myself the new Rick Thishas to stop and it has to stop today!” clever Turkey Heads… with no clients around, enough I thought, and stopped that approach. us all well enough by now to avoid junk mail photo of their mastering studio. And what a O’Neil T-shirt motto came gushing out: “Oh, you presumably don’t need a real studio... and I jumped on the email and sent Turkey Head I was done with this form of attack anyway and that hides Trojan Worms (or is that Tunneling great-looking mastering studio it is! for f##k’s sake!” Okay, so now I’m shouting. Let’s who would ever think to check whether the one (and all his gobbling friends) an email saying the threads will no doubt serve as land mines Horses?). Either way… we all know you don’t calm down a bit. I love the worldwide waste of time. You get to portrayed on their site was actually their own they had 24 hours to take the photo down. for Mr Turkey Head for years to come. There were two issues at stake here: one was facility? Well done turkeys! Of course, by this time – like some nuclear war the bill for the copyrighted image they were movie – Europe woke up first and came online. With no phone number and no email address about to receive from the photographer’s agent, ! The forums lit up with gossip all over the place, SPOT THE for their ‘professional mastering house’ on and the other was the fact that this photo was and then the mother-load followed – North DIFFERENCE offer, I went to bed and constructed some of my studio… and they had no right using America started up and before you knew it, a Here are screen dumps war plans. When I awoke the next morning it fraudulently to attract their unsuspecting hundred guys had told a hundred guys. These of two websites. One is the plan I’d concocted was simple. I rang the clients. I added to this request the sincere hope Turtlerock Mastering in guys then let a thousand other guys in on the photographer who took the original photos – that we could solve this problem amicably… and Camperdown, Sydney: a story, and pretty soon poor old Turkey Head real studio with walls you he’s coincidentally an American, so I figured that was that. can touch. The other is he’d understand the copyright issue… Mastering had every audio dweeb with a minute Turkey Head Mastering. Now I’m not sure if that next 24 hours was the to spare emailing and ringing him on my The lucky AT reader When I rang him he said: “Sure Rick, I’ll get longest time I’d ever had to sit on my hands behalf, trying to get to the bottom of the story who spots the greatest my agent in The States to send them a bill for before, but I assure you it whizzed by. I plotted, themselves. “This stunt wasn’t for real was it?” number of photoshopped $7,000, for the use of the copyrighted image. researched, schemed and even wrote myself a they repeatedly asked. One guy even sent out differences (yes, they did That will slow them down!” do some work on their complete war manifesto about what I was going his own electronic deluge, going as far as setting facility) and sends them “How long will that take do you think?” I asked. to do to Mr Turkey Head if he didn’t remove the up a link to ring them every 30 seconds with a to andy@audiotechnology. Turtlerock image from his site. It read exactly voice message. com.au will win a prize “Don’t know,” he replied. “But leave it with me. that’s yet to be determined. like this:

AT 112 AT 113 Me, I spent about an hour looking at a photo of Mr Turkey Head wondering what he would do next. Would there be a counter offensive or did I have him locked down? Was he really a crook with an insecurity problem, and is that why he stole my photo? If he couldn’t face his own reality was he perhaps going to attack me for showing these insecurities to the world? After an hour or three it was clear I wasn’t going to get an email or phone call from the Turkey camp, so I went to bed. IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS Overnight I had this surreal dream that I was inside the Turkey compound and a messenger ran in like one of those guys in the Gallipoli movie... “Err boss, you know that mastering studio photo we stole from Albania? Well, we’re in deep shit; it wasn’t Albanian at all! It was actually from Australia… and they’re not happy. Boy are they NOT happy! When I woke up the next morning I surveyed the electronic wave of battle reports about Turkey Head Mastering and clearly the turkey shoot was now way out of control. The question from everybody was the same: “Did the Turkey Heads really do this? That is outrageous! Not in our United States of America!” Then I got the email… Dear Mr O’Neil. I am a close friend of [the Head Turkey] and I can assure you this is all a misunderstanding. The [Turkey Head Mastering] website was created by a third party who informed them that they got the image from the same place you got it from: a copyright free web image bank, and you will shortly be getting notice from their lawyers regarding damages caused by you in the last 24 hours. Please cease and desist all damaging actions towards my friends! My reply read something like this: Dear Mr Turkey Head’s friend. Geez, what are we, five years old? Tell your friend that not only do we know that the Turkey Head website was created by the Head Turkey himself, maintained by the Head Turkey and promoted by the Head Turkey, we also have transcripts of forums from last year where people “laughed at him for not showing a studio picture on his site.” We also have a copy of the last 234 emails he has sent in the last two days, however, none of that really matters… the fact remains unchanged. I am currently sitting in my studio – the one in the photo that you foolishly claim comes from an image bank – and your friend knows all too well that he is defrauding his customers. Please remove my image from your site and all links to it within the hour. I will not ask again… So sure enough, within the hour, the aberration was gone. I thanked everybody who supported me publicly, and the battle was officially over. Hopefully those hundred guys who told a hundred guys will always remember what happened in that short but fierceBattle for Camperdown. Lest we forget. The web post I enjoyed the most throughout all of this was this one: “So Rick, which is best in life: Turkey Head Mastering crushed and fleeing before your eyes, or the lamentations of their women?” And this one I’m still pondering: “Yeah, Turkey Head Mastering – those guys are jive!” Rick O’Neil runs Turtlerock Mastering in Camperdown. He believes in communication, not litigation.

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