ISSUE 003: the LOVE & SEX ISSUE Editor's Note
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SISI MAG ISSUE 003: THE LOVE & SEX ISSUE editor's note At Sisi Mag, we work hard to try and represent the views and experiences of Black women and non-binary folk that often go untold. We hope that this ode to Black sexuality helps more of us get in touch with our truest, sexiest most authentic selves. tayo bero EDITOR-IN-CHIEF C O N T E N T S My mother warned me to avoid men like my father; I 0 4 finally understand why. My Female friendships hold the truest meaning of 0 7 love. Finding true love with myself — and more than 0 9 one man. Pain without fear: How BDSM taught one woman 1 1 to honor her desires. Shame, trauma and self- love. What this sex educator wants you to 1 4 know about yourself. I S S U E 0 0 3 C O N T E N T S As a Black woman, interracial relationships can be tricky. Here’s 1 8 everything I’ve learned. Unlearning the misogynistic “rules” for women and embracing my 2 4 sexuality. How venturing into the history of my Zimbabwean 2 7 people helped me accept my fluid identity Growth, me-time and other lessons: 3 Black women on dating through 2 9 a pandemic When was the first time 3 3 you felt sexy? I S S U E 0 0 3 PAGE 4 MY MOTHER WARNED ME TO AVOID MEN LIKE MY FATHER; I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHY B Y A L E X M I L L S our family (financial difficulties, death, depression) became a yellow flag I noticed in men as I began to As a child, I always had a ready-made hero for date, and a red one once I began to date seriously. my Show and Tells and career days: my dad. Reflecting on those tough years, I realize that while Tall, handsome, and a respected firefighter for the my mother had a penchant for making me face the city of Detroit, I was convinced that my dad was the truths I really didn’t want to hear, she also had the coolest around. We did everything together; book sage gift of providing me with the advice that would reports and science fair projects, Saturday afternoon carry me to healing and self-awareness. roller-skating, and trips to the Upper Peninsula to camp and fish. He was my rollercoaster buddy, my These past few months, her lessons have become parent chaperone for my first out of town trip to even more of a comfort as I dealt with my latest Chicago, and the guy who made the perfect heartbreak — one that came a mere six days before chocolate cake for every birthday. While a lot of kids Valentine’s Day. When my latest guy, Theo, dumped wondered whether or not their parents had a me with a dismissive, “I like spending time with you, favorite child, everyone knew that I had a favorite but think we should stop seeing each other,” I parent. definitely felt more foolish than wise. Dating throughout this pandemonium (pandemic) has not But at the age of 11, I discovered that my hero was been easy. battling a drug addiction and he checked himself into rehab. I think it was then that I truly began to The ups and downs of the process have been see my mother in a new light. No longer was she the nothing short of maddening, as I find myself diving fussy woman who made me double check my into the deepest parts of my insecurities. Self-care homework or rewash the dishes. In a blink, she had has become priceless, as I explore new versions of transformed from the parent I avoided, to the one I happiness through therapy, classic Disney movies, confided in most. Over time, my father’s sudden lack and of course, a circle of girlfriends who of emotional awareness when things got hard for encouragingly remind me that I hold value, whether single or paired up. PAGE 5 As I worked to come back to myself, I also created a As a teacher, Monday evenings off are a rare feat for weekly standing appointment with my mom, of all me, so Mondays with my mom always called for a people; a budding relationship that I have come to victorious glass of wine. But what I also noticed with accept with both an incredulous and understated every visit was, despite being off from work, my appreciation. The tumultuous relationship with my father was never home. While I often joked that he mom started to shift when she lost her own mother, was a stereotypical Scorpio with all his secrets, I my Nana, to a combination of COVID-19 and a body knew that he was also a creature of habit; usually in already frail from heart disease and dementia. My our basement, tinkering with his model airplanes or mom, having been appointed her legal guardian, watching the latest heist movie. Still, I was was balancing her job as a college admissions beginning to realize that I had no idea who my director, her role as a wife and mom (and dog- father was these days, and it appeared my mother mom!), while also trying to find herself again in the didn’t either. face of tremendous loss. Still, as my mother fought to hold onto both her life and my Nana’s, I knew for a When I pressed my mom about this, she gave a fact that neither of them were okay. I also knew that small smile and said, “Your father has his life and I something else was not right: my mother’s have mine. We do our own things and enjoy our own relationship with my father. time.” Whenever I’d visit, my mom would meet me at the As a hopeless romantic, that’s definitely not what door with Beyoncé, our cocker poodle, who we you want to hear about the status of what was your adopted when I was in the 8th grade. first real example of a relationship — a twenty-five- PAGE 6 year investment seemingly heading down the tube. It seems that while I was careful to avoid these Surprisingly enough, of all the things that my major flags with my father, I was still running into mother could be sad about, my father’s emotional the stop signs. Why was I still allured by men who detachment wasn’t one of them. “Your father is a desired my “just-so” but were never able to provide solitary man. He likes to keep his own company, my “just-so” in return. Selfish partners often led to especially when he has down time. I’m not like that, me sacrificing aspects of myself to keep a man so I let him be.” Taking a sip of her own wine, she happy. This was certainly the case for my mother, also added, “Your father doesn’t handle emotions who, when my father turned to drugs, admitted well. I’m glad we raised you to deal with your own through tears that she felt like she was living two truths.” And it’s true; they did. different lives: one of chaos with my father, and one of peace and control without him. Such was the My mother and I often talked about dating people wonder of her parenting that my younger brother who were honest about their feelings, while being and I never witnessed this turmoil. My mother not transparent and consistent with their actions. only managed to keep our household afloat, but she Perhaps most importantly, she emphasized did so while obtaining her MBA. When I asked my choosing a partner who would be able to give and mother why she didn’t leave my dad permanently follow through with a sincere apology. It’s funny that (they separated for a while in junior high school), she while these were traits she made sure to instil in me, replied, “I love your father. I need to see it through.” I sometimes found myself attracted to men like my Though such a declaration may seem sweet, it was father: handsome, intelligent, seemingly great on the complete opposite from the feminist who often paper, all while avoiding all the serious work of any stated that marriage was about partnership, not emotional engagement. projects. Like many men, my father took pride in being able On one memorable Monday catch-up, my mother, to “handle” things with money and gifts, and when again through tears, expressed, “I’m so glad you’re on all else failed, platitudes. When those failed, which your journey to loving yourself, Kai. You are a they often did, gifts were replaced with anger, beautiful, educated woman. You deserve to be able indignation, and sadly, a lack of empathy or self- to communicate your emotions — all of them — out awareness. This dynamic often mirrored itself in my loud and have them heard, and met with action, in relationships, as quick accusations and manipulative return.” Joining her, my eyes welled up because I conversations often led to me apologizing for almost knew that when she said this, she was also speaking every interaction; a pattern highlighted during my to herself. Still, if there’s anything that can short time with Theo. When I told my mother this, counteract the demons of my father, it’s the she shook her head and remarked, “Still not avoiding warnings of the woman who loves him — and me.