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Showtimesfriday, AUGUST 27 – THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 CALENDAR ( COMMUNITY SPORTS ARTS F ILM MUSIC) LIST I N GS self-seriousness in the Twilight films. Being D: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Takers VAMPIRES SUCK that wooden without actually having a stake Seltzer; with Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Chris Riggi, Diedrich through your heart is a difficult task, but Bader, Ken Jeong, Anneliese van der Pol, David DeLuise, Proske shows the only pseudo-adult sense Kelsey Ford. (PG-13, 80 min.) of humor throughout the film and really nails Spoofing the teen vamps vs. werewolves it. The same can’t be said of the extremely Twilight series and its exsanguinary fanbase loose collection of repetitive sight gags, sounds like an exercise in pointless redun- god-awful puns, and soul-crushingly lame dancy and, as this bloodless, humorless kinda/sorta impersonations of everyone offering from the filmmakers who brought from the Black Eyed Peas to American Idol. us Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet the Vampires Suck isn’t likely to kill anyone, but Spartans proves, it, like, totally is. Proske it will make you appreciate the compara- plays Becca Crane, who, after moving to tively brilliant satire of the Wayans broth- Sporks, Wash., finds herself torn between ers’ Scary Movie series, which is in itself pale vamp Edward Sullen (Lanter) and bud- a scary thought. You want vampiric satire ding wolfdude Jacob White (Riggi). Lady with actual laughs? Try Mel Brooks’ Dracula: Gaga jokes follow. References to pop-culture Dead and Loving It, Love at First Bite, or However, the question on everyone’s mind is D: John Luessenhop; with Chris Brown, idols Jonas Brothers? Check. Buffy? Check. even Roman Polanski’s The Fearless Vampire TAKERS whether the starring presence of ex-jailbird Hayden Christensen, Matt Dillon, Michael Ealy, Idris Elba, Lindsay Lohan? Check. Damn! Everything Killers. Anything is better than Friedberg and T.I. and girlfriend-beater Brown will affect Steve Harris, Tip “T.I.” Harris, Jay Hernandez, Johnathon is relentlessly skewered with the cheeky Seltzer’s endless, bargain-basement, sub- the box office. – Marjorie Baumgarten Schaech, Paul Walker. (PG-13, 107 min.) aplomb of a 3-year-old, and very little head- Cracked magazine un-comedy. – Marc Savlov Alamo Drafthouse Lake Creek, Barton Creek way is made on the satire vs. parody front. / Barton Creek Square, CM Cedar Park, Hill Not reviewed at press time; not screened Square, CM Cedar Park, Hill Country Galleria, The best thing about Vampires Suck, and I Country Galleria, CM Round Rock, Southpark for Austin press. This Los Angeles-set CM Round Rock, Southpark Meadows, Highland, use the term guardedly, is Proske’s dead- Meadows, Highland, Gateway, Lakeline, heist movie looks visually stylish and well- Gateway, Lakeline, Tinseltown North, Tinseltown on lampooning of Kristen Stewart’s grave Tinseltown North, Tinseltown South, Westgate appointed with loads of muscled men. South, Westgate showtimes FRIDAY, AUGUST 27 – THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE AT THE RITZ 320 E. Sixth, 476-1320. ARBOR CINEMA @ GREAT HILLS 9828 Great Hills Trail (at Jollyville), CINEMARK HILL COUNTRY GALLERIA 14 12812 Hill Country Blvd., CINEMARK SOUTHPARK MEADOWS 9900 S. I-35, 800/FANDANGO. Weird Wednesday: Boss Nigger: Wed, 12mid 231-9742. Discounts daily before 6pm and all day Wednesdays. 800/FANDANGO. Call theatre for Sept. 1-2 showtimes. Cost for 3-D shows is regular ticket price plus a $3.50 premium. Call theatre Master Pancake: The Breakfast Club: Fri-Sat, 7:00, 10:00 Animal Kingdom: 1:10, 4:10, 7:40, 10:15 *Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (3-D): Fri-Sun, 11:10am, 1:40, 4:10, 6:40, for Sept. 1-2 showtimes. The Expendables: Fri, 7:40, 10:30; Sat, 2:00, 4:45, 7:30, 10:30; Sun, 3:45, 4:45, 7:30, Farewell: 1:00, 3:50, 7:10, 9:55 9:10pm; Mon-Tue, 1:40, 4:10, 6:40, 9:10 Dinner for Schmucks: Fri-Tue, 12:40, 6:55 10:15; Mon-Tue, 4:45, 7:30, 10:15; Wed-Thu (9/2), 4:45, 7:30, 10:20 Get Low: 12:20, 3:10, 7:00, 9:40 *Despicable Me (3-D): Fri-Sun, 11:40am, 2:20, 4:45, 7:15, 9:35pm; Mon-Tue, 2:20, *Eat Pray Love: Fri, 1:45, 5:00, 8:15; Sat-Sun, 10:35am, 1:45, 5:00, 8:15pm; SXSW Presents: The Happy Poet: Mon, 7:00pm The Girl Who Played With Fire: 12:30, 3:40, 6:50, 9:50 4:45, 7:15, 9:35 Mon-Tue, 1:45, 5:00, 8:15 Action Pack: Nineties Alternative Sing-Along: Thu (9/2), 9:40pm I Am Love: Fri-Mon, 12:40, 3:30, 6:40, 9:35; Tue, 12:40, 3:30, 9:35; Dinner for Schmucks: Fri, 12:40, 6:30; Sat, 12:40pm; Sun-Tue, 12:40, 6:30 The Expendables: Fri, 12:55, 1:55, 3:45, 4:40, 6:30, 7:20, 9:15, 10:00; Stay Gold: Wed, 9:30pm Wed-Thu (9/2), 12:40, 3:30, 6:40, 9:35 Eat Pray Love: Fri-Tue, 12:15, 3:30, 6:45, 10:00 Sat-Sun, 10:15am, 11:15, 12:55, 1:55, 3:45, 4:40, 6:30, 7:20, 9:15, 10:00pm; Terror Tuesday: Thou Shalt Not Kill … Except: Tue, 9:45pm The Kids Are All Right: 12:50, 4:00, 7:30, 10:05 *The Expendables: Fri-Sun, 11:20am, 2:05, 4:50, 7:30, 10:10pm; Mon-Tue, 2:05, 4:50, Mon-Tue, 12:55, 1:55, 3:45, 4:40, 6:30, 7:20, 9:15, 10:00 Viva the ’Nam: Wed, 7:00pm Restrepo: 12:05, 2:30, 5:00, 7:50, 10:10 7:30, 10:10 Inception: Fri, 2:25, 5:45, 9:10; Sat, 11:00am, 2:25, 5:45pm; Sun, 11:00am, 2:25, Celluloid Handbag: Waiting for Guffman: Tue, 7:00pm Winter’s Bone: 12:00, 2:20, 4:50, 7:20, 9:45 Inception: Fri-Sun, 11:05am, 2:40, 6:15, 9:40pm; Mon-Tue, 2:40, 6:15, 9:40 5:45, 9:10pm; Mon-Tue, 2:25, 5:45, 9:10 Action Pack: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory Sing-Along: Thu (9/2), 7:00pm *The Last Exorcism: Fri-Tue, 12:25, 3:00, 5:25, 7:50, 10:15 *The Last Exorcism: Fri, 12:30, 1:30, 2:55, 4:00, 5:20, 6:25, 7:45, 8:50, 10:05; Winnebago Man: Sun, 7:00, 9:30 BARTON CREEK SQUARE (AMC) Barton Creek Square mall, MoPac & *Lottery Ticket: Fri-Sun, 11:45am, 2:25, 5:20, 8:00, 10:30pm; Mon-Tue, 2:25, 5:20, Sat-Sun, 10:10am, 11:05, 12:30, 1:30, 2:55, 4:00, 5:20, 6:25, 7:45, 8:50, 10:05pm; Music Monday: Zachariah: Mon, 9:40pm Highway 360, 888/AMC-4FUN. Matinee discounts available before 6pm on 8:00, 10:30 Mon-Tue, 12:30, 1:30, 2:55, 4:00, 5:20, 6:25, 7:45, 8:50, 10:05 *Nanny McPhee Returns: Fri-Sun, 11:15am, 2:00, 4:55, 7:40, 10:20pm; weekdays and before 4pm Friday through Sunday and holidays. *Lottery Ticket: Fri, 1:20, 3:55, 6:45, 9:25; Sat-Sun, 10:45am, 1:20, 3:55, 6:45, ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE LAKE CREEK 13729 Research, 219-5408. Mon-Tue, 2:00, 4:55, 7:40, 10:20 9:25pm; Mon-Tue, 1:20, 3:55, 6:45, 9:25 *The American: Wed, 1:30, 4:20, 7:10, 10:00; Thu (9/2), 1:00, 4:00, 7:00, 10:00 *The American: Wed-Thu (9/2), 11:25am, 2:05, 4:50, 7:25, 10:05pm The Other Guys: Fri-Sun, 11:00am, 1:45, 4:30, 7:20, 10:05pm; Mon-Tue, 1:45, 4:30, *Avatar: Special Edition (3-D): 11:55am, 3:20, 7:10, 10:40pm *Nanny McPhee Returns: Fri, 12:45, 3:35, 6:20, 9:05; Sat-Sun, 10:00am, 12:45, 3:35, Anime at the Alamo: The Count of Monte Cristo: Gankutsuou: Tue, 10:00pm 7:20, 10:05 6:20, 9:05pm; Mon-Tue, 12:45, 3:35, 6:20, 9:05 Dinner for Schmucks: Fri-Sun, 10:10pm; Mon, 10:00pm; Tue, 10:05pm Eat Pray Love (closed captioned and descriptive video): Fri-Sat, 10:30am, 1:55, 5:05, *Piranha 3D (3-D): Fri-Sun, 11:25am, 1:55, 4:25, 7:05, 9:30pm; Mon-Tue, 1:55, 4:25, 8:15, 11:05pm; Sun, 1:55, 5:05, 8:15; Mon-Thu (9/2), 1:55, 5:05, 8:15, 11:05 The Other Guys: Fri, 1:00, 3:50, 6:35, 9:20; Sat-Sun, 10:25am, 1:00, 3:50, 6:35, Eat Pray Love: Fri-Sat, 12:00, 3:15, 6:30, 9:35; Sun, 11:15am, 2:20, 6:30, 9:35pm; 7:05, 9:30 9:20pm; Mon-Tue, 1:00, 3:50, 6:35, 9:20 Mon, 12:15, 3:20, 6:30, 9:45; Tue, 12:15, 3:20, 6:30, 9:25; Wed, 12:15, 3:20, 6:30, The Expendables: Fri-Sat, 10:15am, 12:50, 3:40, 6:20, 8:35, 11:15pm; Sun, 10:15am, Salt: Fri, 3:40, 9:15; Sat, 3:40pm; Sun-Tue, 3:40, 9:15 12:50, 3:40, 6:20, 8:35pm; Mon-Thu (9/2), 12:50, 3:40, 6:20, 8:35, 11:15 *Piranha 3D (3-D): Fri, 12:35, 3:00, 5:25, 7:50, 10:10; Sat-Sun, 10:20am, 12:35, 9:50; Thu (9/2), 12:15, 3:20, 6:30, 9:45 *The Switch: Fri-Sun, 11:35am, 2:15, 5:10, 7:55, 10:25pm; Mon-Tue, 2:15, 5:10, 3:00, 5:25, 7:50, 10:10pm; Mon-Tue, 12:35, 3:00, 5:25, 7:50, 10:10 The Expendables: Fri-Sat, 11:00am, 1:25, 4:05, 6:55, 9:45pm; Sun, 11:00am, 1:25, Flipped: Fri-Sun, 10:05am, 12:45, 3:25pm; Mon-Thu (9/2), 12:45, 3:25 7:55, 10:25 Get Low: Fri-Sat, 11:40am, 2:15, 4:35, 7:05, 9:25, 11:45pm; Sun-Thu (9/2), 11:40am, Scott Pilgrim vs.
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