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Home , Pete Davidson

G-MAMMY

Written by

Kevin Christenson

[email protected] (937) 219-4356 POSSIBLE CAST LIST: G-MAMMY: JAY PHAROAH HUGH G NORMUS: TARAN KILLAM DIXIE NORMUS: HARRY PITTS: SHEILA BLIGE: KATE MCKINNON MIKE LITORIS: PETE DAVIDSON

INT. HOUSE People mill about a holiday party, eating snacks and making small talk. HARRY, the only black person at the party, stands awkwardly at the side, making comments to himself. DIXIE, the hostess, stands up to make an announcement as her husband, HUGH, joins her. DIXIE Welcome everyone! Thank you so much for joining us at the Normus’ seventh annual multiculturally sensitive, nondiscriminatory holiday party. HUGH (Overly peppy) Ninth, if you were here before the divorce. DIXIE (To HUGH) We...agreed not to talk about that. HARRY (To himself) Multicultural? I’m thee only black guy here. Move to the suburbs they said. You won’t like L.L. Bean and Nickelback they said. DIXIE Please grab some food and drinks. Hugh made burgers and fries and, I know he burnt a few, but hey, black fries matter! HARRY Really? Did...did nobody else catch that? MIKE enters. SHEILA, an attendee, walks over to greet him. SHEILA Hey Mike! What’re you doing here? 2.

MIKE Oh, well, the Normuses sponsored me to go to private school after they found me in their backyard trying to smoke their poison ivy one time. They’ve treated me like family ever since and invited my G-Mammy and I to come to their party. I didn’t think it was a good idea for G- Mammy to come but they insisted. SHEILA Well why the ever not? MIKE Eh, she’s kind of a bit much to handle. SHEILA Oh, aren’t all grandma’s? MIKE Well, G-Mammy takes a lot of liberties with her stories. Like, she thinks she has HBO when she really just owns a pair of binoculars and we have some kinky neighbors. G-MAMMY, a sassy, independent, no-nonsense, black grandma (played my a man) enters. G-MAMMY Well hand me a tiara and call me Ms. Universe, this party’s deader than a pride parade in Russia. HARRY (To self) I now no longer regret coming. SHEILA I’m sorry, who are you? G-MAMMY Oh child, my name’s Ethel, but you can just call me G-Mammy. I raised Little Mikie on my own for 27 years! MIKE I’m 22. 3.

SHEILA Wait, you’re his grandma?

HARRY SPITS COFFEE IN SURPRISE G-MAMMY That’s G-Mammy to you. But yes, I still remember the day little Mikie was born. His little white self sliding out like a booger on a windy day. MIKE It’s ok G-Mammy. I know I’m adopted. Kinda figured that out when I got denied that NAACP scholarship you made me apply for. HARRY (To self) You white people are slower than I thought. SHEILA So, um, G-Mammy, have the holidays been treating you well? G-MAMMY Well? Well?! I should say not! First of all, I had to fly to Berlin to see family and nearly missed the flight. SHEILA Oh wow! Germany? G-MAMMY No. Berlin, Ohio. Anyways, after assembling my hair, I got in my stationwagon and was doing 45 on the highway when suddenly I felt a tha-thunk. SHEILA You had a hit-and-run?! G-MAMMY Heavens no! It was more like a hit...stop...backup...hit ‘em again...then get out and make sure you did it right. 4.

MIKE G-Mammy always said, “Do something all the way or don’t do it at all.” She’s the best! G-MAMMY Poor guy had a sign that said, “The end is near,” and, well, I guess he was right. HARRY (To self) I’m hoping the end of this party is near. G-MAMMY I didn’t have time to fill out no reports. Ain’t nobody got time for that. So I drove my car into the Bay, but don’t worry, it was technically on the side so no one will notice. (Noticing the food table) Ooh! Are those brownies. G-MAMMY leaves conversation to go to food table. SHEILA Mike, you should probably get away for awhile. MIKE Yeah, people keep tellin’ me that. G-MAMMY goes to pick up a brownie. HARRY stops her. HARRY Mmmm trust me, you don’t need those. I thought bringing those might be my only source of entertainment at this party tonight. Then, well, you showed up. G-MAMMY Oh I’ve always been the life of the partay. Back in my day, I was the hottest young thang you ever did see. All the boys wanted to get dem some G-Mammy. After I showed up to a party, it was all people talked about the next week on Myspace! HARRY Wow, I forgot how old Myspace was. 5.

G-MAMMY This one time I met a boy at a party and he wanted to take me out. So I suggested gettin’ some icy cream down by Jimmy John’s market. Well, little did I know that he was lactose intolerant. And he didn’t know either, till later that night that is. So, as we were walking out my blouse caught on the half-broken water spigot and turned it on. Suddenly I was attached to the spout like a malfunctioning bidet. HARRY Oh my! G-MAMMY It was like Moby Dick’s blowhole was bustin’ out my blouse leg. I immediately headed back to his car, just in time for his lactose intolerance to kick in. Woo-wee, it was like Armageddon itself was going down in his intestines and there was about to be a time of trouble in his Mustang. HARRY I...don’t need to know any more. G-MAMMY You right. Besides I need to get little Mikie back to bed. I’m thinkin’ ‘bout breaking the news to him tonight that he’s adopted. HARRY Oh, I think he knows. G-MAMMY Well, this party’s fading faster than a date with Bill Cosby. Blessings! G-MAMMY leaves. HARRY My black friends are never gonna believe this. FADE TO BLACK.