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Home , Aidy Bryant, Alex Moffat, Beck Bennett, Kyle Mooney, Mikey Day, Pete Davidson

SNL SUBMISSION PACKET

Written by Kelsey Amentt

Nora May and Jermaine Johnson 3 Arts Entertainment [email protected] 212-242-6741 [email protected] 310-888-3200 COMMERCIAL PARODY: STRONGER THAN FAMILY , , , , , , Melissa Villasenor, , and Kate McKinnon EXT. HOME DINING PATIO - EVENING A family sits silently around a table. Their plates are brimming with food. CECILY, KENAN, and AIDY sit awkwardly. BECK narrates. BECK (V.O.) Dixie® brand paper products understand you’ve got a lot on your plate already. CECILY But sweetheart, Jesus has a plan. Aidy rolls her eyes at this, and crosses her arms. KENAN Don’t take that tone with your mother. AIDY I didn’t even say anything! KENAN Go to your room, young lady! EXT. BACKYARD BBQ - DAY MIKEY stands uncomfortably as ALEX and MELISSA stare him down, angrily. BECK (V.O.) With family, friends and a divisive political climate, the art of dinner conversation has gone the way of the land line: extinct. ALEX Dude, you’ve known Maria since we were 25. Why would you say that? MIKEY It’s just one guy’s opinion. MELISSA You don’t really believe that, do you? 3.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT KYLE piles food onto his plate, angrily. KATE judges him relentlessly. BECK (V.O.) But in this unreliable time of defriending people on Facebook for their political views, Dixie remains a truly bipartisan product. KYLE What if the children find it, Linda? KATE Then maybe it’s nature’s way of saying we shouldn’t have children? BECK (V.O.) Carrying the left and right, the red, and the blue, we’ll be there to keep your meal together when you’re relationships start falling apart. EXT. HOME DINING PATIO - EVENING BECK (V.O.) So whether you’ve just told your strict, Catholic parents you’ve always identified as a man... KENAN No daughter of mine is having sex reassignment surgery! AIDY Yeah, cause I’m not your daughter. I’m your son, you ignorant ass! Cecily bursts into tears at this. EXT. BACKYARD BBQ - DAY BECK (V.O.) Accidentally blurted out to your green card married cousin-in-law that you think there should be a travel ban... MIKEY I just think we shouldn’t let anyone in who doesn’t belong here, okay? Melissa shakes her head, frustrated, throws her paper plate at him, and storms off. 4.

MIKEY (CONT’D) See, I told you those Hispanic girls have tempers. You better watch it. ALEX You better watch it! INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT BECK (V.O.) Or you finally admitted to your husband that you’re a card-carrying NRA member... Kyle throws a paper plate at the wall. KYLE Who the hell orders a glock off of Amazon Prime, Linda? Who? KATE You better watch it, pal, or I might test it out on you. KYLE Ooh, I’m so scared. Kyle takes a paper plate from the pile and goes to get seconds. A shot is heard, and we see that the paper plate caught the bullet. Kyle looks frightened and amazed. BECK (V.O.) Know that Dixie® brand Paper Plates will catch the fallout. Super: Dixie® Stronger than Family BECK (V.O.) You may have a broken home, but Dixie® is stronger than family. (sotto) Dixie® Brand Paper Plates will not catch speeding bullets. Please do not use them as shields or try this at home.

END OF SCENE : AN INTERVIEW WITH COLT GRANGER and Beck Bennett WEEKEND UPDATE DESK MICHAEL In today’s ever-changing political landscape, people are taking to the internet to share their point of view. Colt Granger is one American who’s made a reputation for himself online, petitioning congress for a new party. BECK, a beer-bellied, entitled slob with a lazy eye, sits. BECK Hello! Thanks for having me. Some people have said my ideas are prejudiced, but America was founded on prejudice. Racism is a large part of our history: slavery, the trail of tears, the black power ranger. But that’s the problem, everybody’s butthurt nowadays. MICHAEL You’re referring to the PC movement? BECK A black guy gets into the White House, and now we’re supposed to be politically correct? I’ve got a deep- seated, white male privilege burning inside me that says otherwise. So I waited, patiently, in my mother’s basement to be appreciated. MICHAEL And you found it. To quote your twitter bio, “You reign over the trolls and trollettes of 4Chan.” BECK Everybody’s online. Anonymity gives people the license to be the assholes they really are. I became the voice of the alt-right agenda, and I was a God. And then, as if by some peyote-induced dream, Trump was elected president. MICHAEL And that was the inspiration for your new political party? 6.

BECK I wondered what kind of America are we living in? This orange butt plug of a person ran on a platform of hate, and somehow this country voted for him? And then it hit me. There must be liberals who are just as prejudiced as I am! They just hide it better with their curated Facebook posts and bookstore tote bags. So why do they get the better rap? Maybe all the alt- right needs is some re-branding. So I’m campaigning for a new party that I call The “That-Ain’t-Right.” MICHAEL You think there’s an audience for it? BECK No one wants to be labeled the right- wing nut job. So why not have your cake and eat it too? Snap pictures of lattes for likes and try to defund affirmative action programs at the same time. I see the faux liberal bandwagon, and I say hitch a ride to that luxury yacht of an idea! MICHAEL So your hope is to create a political party that has the look and feel of the liberal elite with nationalism and xenophobia at the center of it all? BECK I don’t know what that means, but if I’ve learned anything from sitting back and watching the democratic process and Wikipedia and Breitbart, it’s that words don’t mean anything anymore. Not if you don’t want ‘em to. Say what you think they want to hear, and then do what you’ve always done. MICHAEL Thanks for the insight, Colt.

END OF SCENE G20 GOODBYE , Beck Bennett, and Aidy Bryant INT. G20 SUMMIT MEETING ROOM - DAY BECK and ALEC as Putin and Trump, respectively, sit across from each other staring intensely until Beck blinks. BECK Derrmo! Damn contact lens. ALEC Don’t be a sore loser, Vladdie. I lost out on a staring contest to Kim Jong- Un once, but he was cheating. Did the whole thing with his eyes closed, but they said it’d be racist to prove it. BECK Show me how to do bear trap vice grip again. To use on enemies. Alec extends a hand showing off his handshake skills. ALEC You gotta make them feel like you could squish them with your pinky. BECK Yes, it is quite a chubby pinky finger you have. Good for cutting off and showing as proof of life in ransom. AIDY as Angela Merkel enters the room and approaches them. ALEC Ugh. Merkel. I was hoping for that Irish reporter with the nice smile. She wanted a piece of the Donald. AIDY Trump. Putin. This was supposed to be a thirty minute meeting. You’ve been here for two hours. I hope you had a good discussion... ALEC Good. It was great. It was giant! We discussed so many important things. All the things. Big things. Huge! AIDY Great. So you’re finished then? 8.

ALEC We’ve just started. But you know what I’d really like to see, Angie? I want to meet the Von Trapp Family Singers. AIDY Excuse me? ALEC That famous group of singers, they escaped the Nazis, sang songs on some hills. Like the documentary on them from 1965 with all the music. The whole works! I’m not leaving Germany until I meet them! AIDY I see. Excuse me one moment. Aidy leaves. Alec nudges Beck. ALEC I always had a thing for the eldest, Liesl. A girl with a lot of smarts. Alec motions to large breasts as he says this. BECK I like Christopher Plummer. He could be true Russian with steely gaze. ALEC I thought you hated the gays? She returns in lederhosen and a blonde wig. AIDY Guten Tag! I’m the eldest of the Von Trapp family singers. ALEC Liesl! She’s been hitting the strudel pretty hard, but I’d still grab her by the pfeffernuss. Aidy rolls her eyes at this. AIDY (singing to the tune of “So Long, Farewell”) There’s a mad sort of banging of the heads on the wall, and red flags flying too. (MORE) 9. AIDY (CONT'D) And up in the summit is an orange little bird who’s driving his country cuckoo (cuckoo). Regretfully they tell us, the U.S. is so zealous to say goodnight to you! So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodnight! ALEC (singing) I’d hate to go and leave this pretty sight! Alec smacks Aidy on the bottom. She glares at him and then puts back on the smile as she rounds the other side. AIDY (singing) So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye, I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye. Goodbye! Aidy shoves Alec to the door, but he rebounds back. BECK (singing) So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye, I’m glad to go I can not tell a lie. (beat) I lie! Beck heads out as Aidy pushes him out. Alec gets sleepy. ALEC (singing) The sun has gone to bed and so must I. AIDY (singing) So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye! Goodbye! Aidy covers Alec in a blanket before sneaking off. AIDY (CONT’D) (singing) Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! (to self) We’ve got to get rid of this guy.

END OF SCENE. SHOWTIME , , Kyle Mooney and Alex Moffat INT. SUBWAY TRAIN - NIGHT The subway doors open. PETE, LESLIE, and KYLE get on the subway train with their boom box and sweat pants. PETE Showtime! Showtime! Showtime! We’ve got the moves to make you groove. LESLIE Spittin’ rhymes, feeling fine, all while traveling on the L line. Stand back, stand back, folks, and watch us go! Anything helps! Pete hits a button on the boom box and a sick beat plays. Pete and Leslie begin to dance: doing flips on the bars, spinning around on the poles, but Kyle moves much more carefully, making sure he doesn’t hurt himself. LESLIE (CONT’D) (to Kyle) What the hell, man? PETE Why are you as stiff as my dead Gam Gam? Rest in peace, Gam Gam. You the OG Grandma up in Heaven now! KYLE I’m so sorry, guys. I know I’m usually Mr. Dance Like No One’s Watching, Senor Loco-Motive, Sashay of the Subway, but I had my qualifying event. PETE LESLIE Oh! What? KYLE A qualifying event. You know, like I turned 26 and got booted off my parent’s health insurance. PETE Shit. That’s rough, man. That’ll be me in a couple of months. 11.

LESLIE Same here. And that’s what they call it? It sounds like something out of some sci-fi movie. KYLE I just can’t afford to get hurt, or impaled, or bruised, or pregnant, or kicked in the face. Even if it is for my art. They don’t cover that. PETE Don’t worry. We’ll work around it. (beat) Showtime! Showtime! Showtime! For a dollar, we’ll make you holler. LESLIE Showtime! Showtime! Showtime! It’s everybody’s favorite pastime! KYLE We’re not on welfare. We just want healthcare. Seriously, the ACA does not cover anybody’s ass anymore. Pete hits the boom box, and Leslie spins around the pole, kicking in Kyle’s direction. Kyle ducks and dodges, almost getting kicked in the face. Leslie lands to applause. LESLIE Shit. Sorry. Forgot we couldn’t do the fake face kick into a back flip move. KYLE Yeah, that requires dental. And that costs extra. I’ve even cut out all hard foods just to be safe. PETE Shit, man. What do you eat then? KYLE Mashed potatoes and ice cream. LESLIE Aren’t you diabetic? KYLE Another reason why I can’t afford it. LESLIE You can’t keep living like this! 12.

KYLE You’re right. I can’t go through life afraid of what might happen. I just have to live it! Showtime! Showtime! Kyle swings around the pole and goes to break dance when he FALLS and BREAKS his arm. He screams in pain. KYLE (CONT’D) Shit! Shit! I think I broke it! LESLIE And just when we were getting good. Pete nudges ALEX, a nurse, who’s got headphones on. ALEX How much does it cost to fix an uninsured arm? ALEX (CONT’D) Wow.. well, uninsured it’s gonna be upwards of $16,000. LESLIE That’s like a year and a half of rent. PETE In a rent controlled building though. KYLE What do I do? I can’t afford that. PETE You’re almost better off dead. Leslie and Pete shrug. Kyle pulls himself up with his good hand and walks to the subway car doors. KYLE For my last performance. Kyle walks out of the moving subway car and JUMPS. Leslie and Pete, look at each other, mortified. LESLIE Better start saving for that health insurance. PETE Showtime! Showtime! Showtime!

END OF SCENE. WORST CASE EVER SEEN Kenan Thompson, Kyle Mooney, Pete Davidson, Aidy Bryant, Kate McKinnon, Cecily Strong EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - DAY KENAN, a reporter, stands in front of an academic building as an ambulance behind him treats people in shock. KENAN Tragedy has struck our local campus today as the Fighting Hen’s lose one of their own in a freak accident. A picture of a sleazy, frat bro appears on the screen. KENAN (CONT’D) Chaz Proster III died this afternoon from one of the worst cases ever seen. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY KYLE, a stoned slacker who’s got the attention span of a goldfish, looks into the camera, wide-eyed. KYLE It was a freakin’ mess, man. Bits of Chaz all over the place. The dude exploded like a hamster in a microwave just cause he wasn’t getting any. KENAN (V.O.) Blue Balls. Many men have complained about it, but few know the dangers that lurk inside those tighty-whities. KYLE Like, yeah, sure. I’ve had blue balls before. But like not that bad, dude. That was like a Michael Bay movie. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY - REENACTMENT SUPER: REENACTMENT WITH REAL ACTORS PETE sits uncomfortably in class. He shifts awkwardly in his seat. AIDY, the teacher, points to pornographic pictures. 14.

KENAN (V.O.) After a week of pleasuring his girlfriend and her not returning the favor, Chaz Proster III, unknowingly put his life in danger when he decided to go to his Sociology and Porn class. Pete keeps twisting in his seat, uncomfortable, but not trying to draw too much attention. KENAN (V.O.) Normally the class just deals with the effects of porn on society, but this week’s lesson showcased actual porn. Girl on girl. Guy on guy. Pterodactyl. Pete looks intrigued, then pained, then intrigued. KENAN (V.O.) According to the head of the Biology department on campus, the combination of blue balls and educational porn forced the pent up swimmers to rip a hole in his Vas Deferens, filling his bloodstream with sperm. They multiplied exponentially until... Pete looks euphorically queasy. He EXPLODES as pieces of him go everywhere. INT. DEAN’S OFFICE - DAY KATE, a middle-aged preppy mom who sobs through a box of Kleenex sits across from Kenan. KENAN I’m here with Chaz’s Mom who’s just heard the news. What are your thoughts on Chaz’s accident? KATE It was avoidable! What kind of Pillow Princess doesn’t give a BJ? In my day, no one had a gag reflex. And if we did, we suppressed it like the good dates we were. But these girls don’t know how good they’ve got it. They all think they’re feminists, voting for Hillary, but they forget that even she lost her man to a woman who could unhinge her jaw like a double-jointed snake. She must’ve been a tease. Or a Woman Studies major. Or a lesbian. 15.

KENAN So you believe it was negligence on the part of his girlfriend that led to this horrific accident? KATE Chaz would always complain of blue balls after coming home from dates. I’d offer to help relieve him, but we got in trouble for that last time. I’m planning to press charges against that puritanical slut. EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - DAY CECILY, an artsy girl, stands dumbstruck next to Kenan. She has an EMT blanket on her. KENAN Do you blame yourself? CECILY Every minute of every hour of every day. I always tried to give him what he wanted, but my acid reflux would always act up. Damn Nexium. I offered him a hand job when I could. KENAN What man wants a hand job from some girl he’s dating when he knows he can give a better one himself? CECILY Don’t you think I know that now!? She begins to sob as Kyle enters to get his extra fifteen minutes. KYLE It was like a Strawberry Sundae hitting the floor of a Dairy Queen. Cecily starts to sob heavier at this. KENAN If you or anyone you know is suffering from blue ball abuse or domestic withholding, please call this number. 1-800-BLU-BALL appears on the screen.

END OF SCENE