SNL SUBMISSION PACKET Written by Kelsey Amentt Nora May and Jermaine Johnson 3 Arts Entertainment [email protected] 212-242-6741 [email protected] 310-888-3200 COMMERCIAL PARODY: STRONGER THAN FAMILY Beck Bennett, Cecily Strong, Kenan Thompson, Aidy Bryant, Mikey Day, Alex Moffat, Melissa Villasenor, Kyle Mooney, and Kate McKinnon EXT. HOME DINING PATIO - EVENING A family sits silently around a table. Their plates are brimming with food. CECILY, KENAN, and AIDY sit awkwardly. BECK narrates. BECK (V.O.) Dixie® brand paper products understand you’ve got a lot on your plate already. CECILY But sweetheart, Jesus has a plan. Aidy rolls her eyes at this, and crosses her arms. KENAN Don’t take that tone with your mother. AIDY I didn’t even say anything! KENAN Go to your room, young lady! EXT. BACKYARD BBQ - DAY MIKEY stands uncomfortably as ALEX and MELISSA stare him down, angrily. BECK (V.O.) With family, friends and a divisive political climate, the art of dinner conversation has gone the way of the land line: extinct. ALEX Dude, you’ve known Maria since we were 25. Why would you say that? MIKEY It’s just one guy’s opinion. MELISSA You don’t really believe that, do you? 3. INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT KYLE piles food onto his plate, angrily. KATE judges him relentlessly. BECK (V.O.) But in this unreliable time of defriending people on Facebook for their political views, Dixie remains a truly bipartisan product. KYLE What if the children find it, Linda? KATE Then maybe it’s nature’s way of saying we shouldn’t have children? BECK (V.O.) Carrying the left and right, the red, and the blue, we’ll be there to keep your meal together when you’re relationships start falling apart. EXT. HOME DINING PATIO - EVENING BECK (V.O.) So whether you’ve just told your strict, Catholic parents you’ve always identified as a man... KENAN No daughter of mine is having sex reassignment surgery! AIDY Yeah, cause I’m not your daughter. I’m your son, you ignorant ass! Cecily bursts into tears at this. EXT. BACKYARD BBQ - DAY BECK (V.O.) Accidentally blurted out to your green card married cousin-in-law that you think there should be a travel ban... MIKEY I just think we shouldn’t let anyone in who doesn’t belong here, okay? Melissa shakes her head, frustrated, throws her paper plate at him, and storms off. 4. MIKEY (CONT’D) See, I told you those Hispanic girls have tempers. You better watch it. ALEX You better watch it! INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT BECK (V.O.) Or you finally admitted to your husband that you’re a card-carrying NRA member... Kyle throws a paper plate at the wall. KYLE Who the hell orders a glock off of Amazon Prime, Linda? Who? KATE You better watch it, pal, or I might test it out on you. KYLE Ooh, I’m so scared. Kyle takes a paper plate from the pile and goes to get seconds. A shot is heard, and we see that the paper plate caught the bullet. Kyle looks frightened and amazed. BECK (V.O.) Know that Dixie® brand Paper Plates will catch the fallout. Super: Dixie® Stronger than Family BECK (V.O.) You may have a broken home, but Dixie® is stronger than family. (sotto) Dixie® Brand Paper Plates will not catch speeding bullets. Please do not use them as shields or try this at home. END OF SCENE WEEKEND UPDATE: AN INTERVIEW WITH COLT GRANGER Michael Che and Beck Bennett WEEKEND UPDATE DESK MICHAEL In today’s ever-changing political landscape, people are taking to the internet to share their point of view. Colt Granger is one American who’s made a reputation for himself online, petitioning congress for a new party. BECK, a beer-bellied, entitled slob with a lazy eye, sits. BECK Hello! Thanks for having me. Some people have said my ideas are prejudiced, but America was founded on prejudice. Racism is a large part of our history: slavery, the trail of tears, the black power ranger. But that’s the problem, everybody’s butthurt nowadays. MICHAEL You’re referring to the PC movement? BECK A black guy gets into the White House, and now we’re supposed to be politically correct? I’ve got a deep- seated, white male privilege burning inside me that says otherwise. So I waited, patiently, in my mother’s basement to be appreciated. MICHAEL And you found it. To quote your twitter bio, “You reign over the trolls and trollettes of 4Chan.” BECK Everybody’s online. Anonymity gives people the license to be the assholes they really are. I became the voice of the alt-right agenda, and I was a God. And then, as if by some peyote-induced dream, Trump was elected president. MICHAEL And that was the inspiration for your new political party? 6. BECK I wondered what kind of America are we living in? This orange butt plug of a person ran on a platform of hate, and somehow this country voted for him? And then it hit me. There must be liberals who are just as prejudiced as I am! They just hide it better with their curated Facebook posts and bookstore tote bags. So why do they get the better rap? Maybe all the alt- right needs is some re-branding. So I’m campaigning for a new party that I call The “That-Ain’t-Right.” MICHAEL You think there’s an audience for it? BECK No one wants to be labeled the right- wing nut job. So why not have your cake and eat it too? Snap pictures of lattes for Instagram likes and try to defund affirmative action programs at the same time. I see the faux liberal bandwagon, and I say hitch a ride to that luxury yacht of an idea! MICHAEL So your hope is to create a political party that has the look and feel of the liberal elite with nationalism and xenophobia at the center of it all? BECK I don’t know what that means, but if I’ve learned anything from sitting back and watching the democratic process and Wikipedia and Breitbart, it’s that words don’t mean anything anymore. Not if you don’t want ‘em to. Say what you think they want to hear, and then do what you’ve always done. MICHAEL Thanks for the insight, Colt. END OF SCENE G20 GOODBYE Alec Baldwin, Beck Bennett, and Aidy Bryant INT. G20 SUMMIT MEETING ROOM - DAY BECK and ALEC as Putin and Trump, respectively, sit across from each other staring intensely until Beck blinks. BECK Derrmo! Damn contact lens. ALEC Don’t be a sore loser, Vladdie. I lost out on a staring contest to Kim Jong- Un once, but he was cheating. Did the whole thing with his eyes closed, but they said it’d be racist to prove it. BECK Show me how to do bear trap vice grip again. To use on enemies. Alec extends a hand showing off his handshake skills. ALEC You gotta make them feel like you could squish them with your pinky. BECK Yes, it is quite a chubby pinky finger you have. Good for cutting off and showing as proof of life in ransom. AIDY as Angela Merkel enters the room and approaches them. ALEC Ugh. Merkel. I was hoping for that Irish reporter with the nice smile. She wanted a piece of the Donald. AIDY Trump. Putin. This was supposed to be a thirty minute meeting. You’ve been here for two hours. I hope you had a good discussion... ALEC Good. It was great. It was giant! We discussed so many important things. All the things. Big things. Huge! AIDY Great. So you’re finished then? 8. ALEC We’ve just started. But you know what I’d really like to see, Angie? I want to meet the Von Trapp Family Singers. AIDY Excuse me? ALEC That famous group of singers, they escaped the Nazis, sang songs on some hills. Like the documentary on them from 1965 with all the music. The whole works! I’m not leaving Germany until I meet them! AIDY I see. Excuse me one moment. Aidy leaves. Alec nudges Beck. ALEC I always had a thing for the eldest, Liesl. A girl with a lot of smarts. Alec motions to large breasts as he says this. BECK I like Christopher Plummer. He could be true Russian with steely gaze. ALEC I thought you hated the gays? She returns in lederhosen and a blonde wig. AIDY Guten Tag! I’m the eldest of the Von Trapp family singers. ALEC Liesl! She’s been hitting the strudel pretty hard, but I’d still grab her by the pfeffernuss. Aidy rolls her eyes at this. AIDY (singing to the tune of “So Long, Farewell”) There’s a mad sort of banging of the heads on the wall, and red flags flying too. (MORE) 9. AIDY (CONT'D) And up in the summit is an orange little bird who’s driving his country cuckoo (cuckoo). Regretfully they tell us, the U.S. is so zealous to say goodnight to you! So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodnight! ALEC (singing) I’d hate to go and leave this pretty sight! Alec smacks Aidy on the bottom. She glares at him and then puts back on the smile as she rounds the other side. AIDY (singing) So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye, I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye.