THE ROOM Final script for RiffTrax Live 5/6

Bill 00:26 (Golden Gate Bridge ­ let it come into full view) Our story begins in an unidentified city...

Mike 00:39 (dock) The Room, there it is! No wait, that's The Dock...

Kevin 00:48 (Alcatraz) The Room! No wait, that's The Rock... ​ ​

Mike 00:54 (Greg Sestero) Greg Sestero, now known as "The other guy from The ​ Room" ​

Kevin I loved "the other guy from “The Room" in...what was that movie? ​ ​

Mike The Room? ​

Kevin That's the one!

Bill 01:07 (“Juliette Danielle” fades) You may also recognize some of these other actors from their work in... um...

Mike The Room?

Bill Yeah, pretty much.

Kevin 01:21 (casting by Chloe) "Casting. The new fragrance by Chloe."

Mike 01:32 (“Safowa Bright”) Safowa Bright, Mladen Milicevic...all our credits are in 'Junior Jumble' form.

Bill 01:40 (just a few beats after Mike) Let's take care of all the Bay Area cliches at once here! Cut to a hippie with flowers in her hair eating Rice­a­Roni while taking a Google Shuttle Bus down Lombard Street, towards the Folsom Street Fair!

*Kevin 01:53 (row of houses comes into view) This week on Full House, the Tanners ​ ​ get a creepy new neighbor!

1 Bill 02:02 (trolley goes by) There he is, the man himself: Mr. Ronnie James Dio!

Mike 02:13 (directed by) Writer, producer and director ­ he's like M. Night Shyamalan, ​ ​ only slightly less embarrassing!

Kevin 02:22 ("hi babe") Augh! A catfish in a suit!

Bill 02:31 (“little something” few beats, then he gives her box) I'm guessing there's a severed foot in there.

Kevin 02:42 ("it's beautiful, thank you" as her) You’ll look great in it, Johnny.

Mike 02:50 (2nd "try it on right now" as her) Soon as I Brillo off the residue of that kiss.

Bill 02:58 (stairs) Wait, there’s a second The Room upstairs? I’m confused already! ​ ​

Kevin 03:06 ("look so sexy Lisa") In an off­the­rack way!

Mike 03:20 ("oh hi Denny") Denny Kramer, Cosmo’s unfunny nephew.

Bill 03:35 ("to see you Denny") Now go try on your red dress. ​ ​

Kevin 03:44 ("gonna join him", laughter) He's the writer, producer, director and the ​ ​ laugh track!

Bill 03:54 (Denny picks up apple) He’s the kind of guy who HOPES there's a worm in it.

Mike 04:04 (Denny follows them) Denny: he's imagined Pokemons having sex.

Kevin 04:13 (weird noise he makes / doesn’t quite commit to) ...I guess?

Bill 04:19 (Denny comes upstairs) I just ate an entire apple, even the core!

Mike 04:32 (CU Denny) Denny: named for the restaurant where his mom gave birth between dishwashing shifts.

Bill 04:50 ("three's a crowd") Or some combination of those words, or words like

2 them.

Mike 05:06 ("bye dinny") Dinny? Danny? Denny? Donny?

Kevin (a beat after, on Denny) Poor kid, has to do homework instead of watching his gross neighbors bone, like most kids.

Bill 05:20 (music starts) This music should be familiar to anyone who's ever watched Cinemax after 2AM.

Mike 05:28 (fade to black; beat after Bills line) Yes folks, those of you who still have positive associations with the word “sex,” we’re sorry. That will be changing, forever.

Kevin 05:43 (song “feel this way about you”) Boyz II Repulsive Men.

Bill 05:52 (“in this world without you”) From the album "Music to Put on For the Dog When you Leave the House."

Kevin 06:02 (“dream come true”) Tommy bought up all the gauze in San Fran; the burn ward resorts to wrapping its victims in used dryer sheets.

Mike 06:19 (CU candles) The candles double as an altar to his god, Denny.

Bill 06:29 (“do for you”) I feel like we're about to be witnesses to a horrible crime.

Kevin (after a beat) Woah, things get gristly really early in this film.

Bill 06:47 (past curtains, Tommy more visible. Queasy) Oh god, he looks like "Weird Al" as Rambo in UHF!

Mike 06:55 (beat after change of shot) Yep, she’s in bed with a human piece of seasoned beef jerky.

Bill (few beats after) His whole body is made of Madonna’s arms!

Kevin 07:08 (water on window) The water symbolizes the tears of film school graduates who made actual good movies that you will never, ever watch. ​ ​

Bill 07:23 (2nd “I will, I will”) Tommy had a body double for this scene. It was one of

3 those skinless cadavers from The Bodies exhibits.

Mike 07:37 (Tommy grinding on top of her) Gah, I hope this poor woman got combat pay.

Bill 07:47 (more grinding) The worm­y thrusting, that’s what really dares you not to run screaming into the night.

Mike Yep, y’know after this movie came out? ...there was a huge uptick of young people joining monasteries and cloistered convents.

Bill 08:05 (shot fades. more grind) Besides being repulsive, kinda technically wrong?

Kevin He had a hip dick installed. Lots of people on Tumblr are doing it, Bill.

Mike You’ve gotta respect it.

Bill 08:24 (Tommy’s groan) Sexual ecstasy, or charley horse?

Kevin 08:34 (Lisa goes “uhh”) The overdubbed sounds ­­ I keep thinking there’s a dog in the room with them, sighing and farting.

Mike 08:44 (Lisa lowers her arm) Poor Usher.

Bill I don’t think the singer was Usher...

Mike No, poor theater Usher, I think someone in the audience just barfed in the aisle. Not everyone has our tolerance for hip dicks.

Kevin 09:06 (alarm) Who sets their alarm for twenty eight minutes past the hour?! ​ ​

Mike 09:21 (picks up rose) Well, roses had a good two thousand year run as symbols of love and beauty. But that's all over now...

Bill 09:31 (Wiseau ass) [turns] The Director’s ass, ladies and gentlemen.

Kevin Luckily that’s not how Hitchcock did his cameos.

4 Mike 09:41 (her with rose) Yeesh, how did he get this rose to smell like old cat food?

Kevin 09:51 ("yes I did") Except the parts when you were there?

Bill 10:00 (“OK” "bye" “bye” as Tommy ) Have to go, got a busy day of frightening children ahead of me!

Mike 10:12 ("hi Mom, how are you") Her enthusiasm is at near­Denny entrance level! ​ ​

Kevin 10:22 ("lets go to the couch") The Couch: a subdivision of "The Room."

Bill 10:30 ("what's happening with you") Mom has Kid and Play hair!

Kevin 10:40 ("why not?") I saw my fiance naked.

Mike 10:53 ("you're engaged" mocking exposition) Didn’t you know those things??

Kevin 11:03 ("can't support yourself") You majored in Communications!

Bill 11:11 ("position is very secure") Being a professional gargoyle...

Mike 11:27 ("talked to him about it") Does having revolting sex count as talking?

Kevin 11:36 ("promotion very soon") [as mom, whispering] I read ahead in the script! ​ ​

Bill 11:48 ("as my son in law") The best son in law since Pauly Shore.

Mike 12:01 ("born yesterday" as mom) I’ve been taking guys to the mat since the Crimean War.

Bill 12:18 ("what I told you OK? mm­hm") Mom, everything you've ever told me has been debunked by Snopes.

Kevin 12:28 ("thanks mom") Call my friend and tell her how I burned my mom by saying “Thanks Mom!”

Bill 12:40 ("what's going on") [as Lisa] Just sitting next to a framed picture of a ​ ​ spoon...

5 Mike 13:02 ("wants to control my life") But enough about Martha Stewart.

Kevin 13:16 ("You should enjoy your life") [as Mark] Me, I'm too busy to enjoy my ​ ​ ​ ​ life.

Mike 13:29 ("alright, see ya") She'll pencil him in between her 11:00 AM sitting on the couch and her 1:00 PM sitting on the couch.

Bill 13:40 (trolley from back, a few beats after change of angle) The Establishing Shot Express is right on time.

Kevin 13:53 ("I'm fine, come in") Glad you could get time off work, whatever it is you do and whoever you are.

Mike 14:01 ("have a seat", then beat) Congratulations: you just reenacted Lisa's day in its entirety.

Kevin 14:08 (hand on Mark’s ear) [as Lisa] Can I interest you in some Funyuns? I ​ ​ kinda hit the wall after two and a half bags...

Bill 14:17 (she pours wine) It’s a selection from Tommy Wiseau Vineyards. Nobody knows what country it's from and most people don’t want it near the table while they're eating.

Mike 14:32 ("it's hot in here") Johnny gnawed through the power cord on our air conditioner.

Kevin 14:45 (She takes off wrap/ then on Mark) She finds his "understudy LL Bean Model" look irresistible.

Bill 14:53 (strokes his arm) How did you get gravy on your arm? ...you just came from work.

Mike 15:06 ("what's going on here") You’re trying to sell me Herbalife, aren’t you?

Kevin 15:22 ("loverboy") I wanna be working for your weekend.

Bill 15:33 ("I'm your girl" sotto, to himself) So THAT’s what a girl is, hmmm.

6 Mike 15:41 (“my best friend”) Really?? (“next month, come on”) Do these two know there are other non­Johnny people on the planet?

Bill 15:56 ("between you and me") And Denny, who's videotaping us from the window.

Kevin 16:09 ("I'm leaving now") Bennigan’s ain't gonna manage itself.

Mike 16:19 ("I don't love Johnny") I was only into him for his looks.

Bill 16:27 ("make love to me") Also, I need help unclogging the toilet...I don't care which order we do those things in.

Kevin 16:37 ("gonna be fine, I promise") Now get off me, I have to go fix someone's cable on "Red Shoe Diaries."

Mike 16:49 (out of focus shot) Focus gets a little blurry here, the director intentionally signalling that they are “blurring” a moral line at this moment and they both know it ...very artful cinematic touch ...HA HA just kidding Tommy Wiseau directed, he eff­ed it up.

Kevin 17:08 (she walks off) I'm gonna go roll out the sex tarp.

Bill 17:17 (she pulls him in) You into unfulfilling and really uncomfortable sex too, baby? Oh yeah... OW.

Mike 17:30 (he moves in) [as mark] Oh yeah, call me Johnny...

Kevin [As lisa] Only if you call me Denny...

Bill Argggghh I need an adult!

Mike 17:41 (his bare shoulder) [as him] Ow, babe, now I think I'm kneeling on some Legos.

Kevin [as her] Yeah, Denny likes to play on the stairs.

Bill 17:54 (she pulls off his shirt) The year this movie came out, seventy percent of homes with spiral staircases had them demolished.

7

Kevin 18:03 (her hand up on his chest) So, when you gonna get your hip dick? ​ ​

Mike 18:15 (her in ecstasy) [as her] Ow, these railings are iron, they're pressing ­­­

Bill [as him] Well, my foot's caught in between two stair treads, I can't ­­

Mike [as her] Don't pull, not from ­­

Bill [as him] I'm not pulling, I'm pushing so that I can turn my foot, then I'll pull ­­

Mike [as her] Ouch, no, don't push, your toenails are slicing into my shins, do you ever trim them?

Bill [as him] Well, why did you choose the worst place in the world to attempt this?! I think we'd have a better time of it up on the fireplace mantle.

Mike [as her] (18:48­ish, hand in pants) Well maybe we shou­­­ OW! Button fly jeans! Great, now there are five sharp metal objects pressing into my vitals.

Bill [as him] Well, I'm starting to feel a sneeze working up. Do you ever dust these stairs?

Mike [as her] Have you ever tried dusting a spiral staircase, mister smart guy?

Bill [as him] So you haven't, which explains why I'm about to ­­ ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOO!

Mike [as her] Ow, every time you sneeze you are killing my back ­­ wait, I hope you're a three sneezer...?

Bill [as him] No, I'm a five. ACHOO!

8

Mike [as her] OW!

Bill [as him] ACHOO!

Mike [as her] OW (19:23­ish) Maybe we should move.

Bill [as him] No, hang on. I think I found a position I can live with.... Only, now I can see Denny smiling and waving through the window.

Mike [as her] Ok, let's move.

Bill [as him] Yeah, ok.

Kevin 19:43 ("do this to me") I was minding my own business when you fell on my penis!

Mike 20:00 ("I love you Mark" as him, resigned) Yeah… I love me too.

Kevin 20:09 ("we can't do this anymore") Or at least we have to do it on a larger staircase.

Bill 20:18 ("he's your best friend") He is?!

*Mike 20:24 ("be our secret") Also, please don't tell anyone about the "Powerpuff Girls" tattoo on my thigh.

Kevin 20:35 (outside florist) [listing the possibilities of when this might be] Later that ​ ​ day...Next week...Er, three months from now...

Mike [offering a suggestion] It doesn't matter... ​ ​

Kevin [adding it to the list] It doesn't matter... ​ ​

Bill 20:46 (walking into store) Quick stop to get some more weed­killer for his hair. ​ ​

9 Mike 20:57 ("know it was you") [as florist] I'm blind and a moron. ​ ​

Kevin 21:08 ("thanks alot, bye” “buh bye") Why can’t the sex scenes be that efficient?

Bill “Here’s some sex.”

Mike “‘Bye!”

Bill “You’re my favorite sex partner.”

Mike “Oh hi doggie.”

Kevin 21:28 ("light on the cheese") Ah yes, the Domino's "I Was Born Without Taste Buds” special.

Bill 21:37 ("who is it? Denny") Got my foot stuck in a bucket again!

Mike 21:45 ("something to drink") Gah!!

Kevin [do cartoon head­shakey thing]

Bill 21:58 ("love you and Johnny') I collect your nail clippings!

Mike 22:08 ("bye Denny") The plot races along without regard for human life!

Bill Catch your breath ­ IF you can find the time! [beat as car parks] And now ​ ​ ​ ​ would actually be a pretty good time, it appears...

Kevin 22:23 (Lisa reading) [patronizing] Awww, they want us to believe she was ​ ​ "reading"...

Mike 22:38 ("get your promotion? Nah...") Looks like another year as assistant to the ​ ​ guy who dresses up as Chuck E. Cheese.

Bill 22:46 (as Lisa, walking into frame) Well I watched six hours of “Cash Cab” ​ ​ today!

Mike 22:55 ("within free months") [quickly imitate pronunciation] Fhree months? ​ ​ 10

Kevin 23:04 ("and I don't care anymore") Maybe not in that exact order...

Mike 23:15 ("I am the fool") [bemused, noting the absurdity of his career] He's a ​ ​ banker!?! (23:28 "is too competitive") [same tone as 23:15] And Lisa is in "the ​ ​ ​ ​ computer business."

Bill 23:37 ("think about everything") True, why she hasn’t succeeded in “the computer ​ ​ business” is mystifying!

Kevin 23:53 (lisa enters) I found some drinks outside!

Mike 24:01 (sets down glass. narrate along w/ visuals) Take two glasses of whiskey… add vodka… serve warm.

Bill (a beat after) The cocktail equivalent of her insane pizzas.

Kevin 24:30 ("drink this") It might cause me to slur my words and be hard to understand.

Mike 24:39 (“you’ll drink this”) Seven words you don’t want to hear Bill Cosby say.

Bill 24:52 (“I know, I am right”) You don’t get ahead in The Computer Business without a few good ideas.

Mike 25:04 (scene change) Well, we tried having fun. Wow, did we fail!

Bill (as her) Even putting a tie on my head didn’t work. Just made me sadder.

Kevin 25:15 (Lisa stops drinking, Tommy starts dripping) When he said “I don’t drink” he meant “I don’t know how to drink.” ​ ​ ​ ​

Bill 25:27 (“you have nice pecs”) “Pecs” is what she calls “greasy clumps of stringy hair.”

Mike 25:36 (“make love to me”) I’m afraid that would violate the 8th amendment.

Kevin 25:47 (“I love you Johnny”, tears shirt) My banking shirt! I needed that for banking!

11

Bill 25:55 (smooching) Just regurgitate a little artichoke with pesto into your mouth here...

Mike 26:05 (past candle) Well, here we go again, folks. The movie has entered a wormhole.

Kevin Please don’t say “wormhole” while his ass is on camera.

Bill 26:15 (candelabra) They lit up twelve candles while drunk as sows and loaded up on pizza?! They're way better at sex than me!

Mike 26:28 (he produces rose) AND, while drunk, he drove back, bought another dozen roses, said hello to doggy, got told he was the flower shop's favorite customer, and made it back in time just as Lisa was lighting the twelfth candle.

Kevin They're gross, sure, but their technical mastery is unimpeachable.

Bill 26:50 (after rain, his thrusts) Hip dick! Good to see you again.

Kevin Hip dick is fast becoming my favorite customer. ​ ​

Mike 27:02 (after change of shot, closer on them) Johnny please stop humping, Lisa is not even under you anymore, she left hours ago!

Bill 27:12 (row houses) This week on Full House: Mom’s still dead!

Mike 27:24 (“it’s a surprise”) Denny’s agreed to jump out of a cake.

Kevin 27:37 (“a share of my house”) I told him to take his purple crayon and shove it!

Bill 27:46 (“he’s your brother”) Quit being unreasonable and give your brother your house!

Mike 27:57 (“he’s seeing dollar signs”) This is worse than someone telling you about a dream they had...

12

Kevin 28:15 (“of people every day”) Lisa didn’t last long at the Susan G. Komen foundation.

Bill 28:26 (“glad I divorced him”) Always making me those asbestos smoothies...

Mike 28:34 (“you’re wrong”) He’s actually some sort of mollusk.

Kevin 28:45 (“and he hit me”) [as mom] Eh, things happen...

Mike [as Lisa] Then he showed me his butt.

Kevin That monster!!!

Bill 28:57 (“afford to ignore this”) Like you ignored my cancer.

Mike 29:08 (“ready to meet him”) So can you help me roll out the sex tarp?

Kevin 29:18 (mom’s shadow crosses Lisa) [as Lisa] Good luck with the chemo! [beat, then yelling after her] I’m not cutting my hair to make you a wig!

Mike 29:30 (Michelle enters) The parts of Johnny and Lisa will now be played by even less well known actors.

Kevin 29:43 (“couple hours at least”) Tonight on “House Hunters After Dark.”

Bill 30:00 (“symbol of love” “feed me”) “Feed me.” Golden Corral’s new slogan.

Mike 30:08 (her hand on his neck) Oh yeah, now shove a Snickers up my nose…

Kevin Wait, wha—

Mike Crack a Cadbury cream egg on my forehead...

Kevin I have to go!

Bill 30:18 (she leans back) This is what grownup Charlie Bucket did with his hookers.

13 Mike 30:32 (“arms up”) [as her] And into the red dress you go!

Bill 30:44 (“is a symbol of love”) And that’s why Russell Stover was just drowning in ​ ​ poon!

Mike 30:57 (Michelle starts to lower) [as him] Oh yeah baby...Check for dust bunnies under the couch...That’s right, make sure the remote didn’t fall down there either...

Kevin 31:08 (houses) This week on Full House: Uncle Joey and Uncle Jesse re­enact that scene we just saw!

Bill 31:19 (“characters doing here”) She speaks for the audience!

Mike 31:28 (“this is my mother”) And this is Michelle’s boyfriend Mike’s girlfriend, Michelle.

Kevin 31:36 (Lisa waves) [really chipper] Thanks for drenching our couch in bodily fluids!

Bill 31:43 (she sits) No don’t sit on the—SQUISH!

Mike 31:57 (“grand central station”) Nice to meet you too, ya friggin' harpy.

Kevin 32:07 (“come back later”) It’s been bitter ever since Denny dumped Lisa’s mom.

Mike 32:18 (“to adopt Denny”) But turns out adopting 30 year old adults is illegal.

Kevin 32:29 (“graduates from school”) Weird Little Perv school.

Bill 32:42 (“to our place”) So to answer your question, that’s what Denny does.

Mike 32:52 (Mike running in) I left a symbol of love on the ottoman!

Kevin 33:08 (“don’t worry about it”) Harsh, she gets the same response for that as she did for "I have breast cancer."

Bill 33:20 (“OK mom”) Come back and see me again here in The Room.

Mike 33:31 (“oh my god”) That was Roger Ebert’s entire review of this movie.

14

Kevin 33:43 (shot of Chris R) The last remaining member of The Funky Bunch! Run Denny!

Bill 33:58 (“been looking for ya”) You not on Grindr anymore?

Mike 34:12 (“where’s my money”) Paypal’s customer service has really improved.

Kevin 34:26 (2nd “five fucking minutes”) Who needs a gun? You could intimidate Denny with a medium sized Elmo doll.

Bill 34:38 (“fucking money denny”) You said you’d back my Kickstarter then never did you jerk!

Mike 34:48 (they tackle Chris R) [as Chris R] Gentlemen, please! I am wearing a beanie!

Kevin 34:59 (“to the police”) [as Chris R yelling back] You’re my favorite customer Denny!

Mike 35:16 (2nd “What kind of money”) It was bitcoin, oh god I’m such an idiot!

Kevin 35:29 (“Denny’s with me and Johnny”) This is suddenly the most important thing ever, to both of us!

Bill 35:39 (“some drugs off of him”) Midol, I’m guessing.

Mike 35:52 (“get involved with drugs”) Scarface had the same conversation with his ​ neighbors.

Kevin 36:03 (“pay off some stuff”) Which explains why I was buying drugs, I needed money.

Mike 36:11 (back on Denny) [Jerry Lewis] With the yelling and the questions and the ladies.

Bill 36:31 (“something around here”) And that someone? Michelle’s boyfriend Mike.

Kevin 36:48 (“what’s clear”) My Thetan count, thanks Scientology!

15

Bill 36:58 (“Why?” “I’m sorry”) So was there a police station in the stairwell, or…?

Mike 37:09 (“we’re gonna help you”) Johnny will grab your hair for as long as it takes.

Kevin 37:28 (“I love you”) This is Chris R’s one phone call.

Bill 37:42 (“I do care”) But I’m very busy...

Mike 37:55 (“I do care”) But I’m very busy...

Kevin 38:01 (“OK bye”) I DO care…! Wait...

Bill 38:11 (“Oh hai mark”) Whoa, mood swing! Er, I think…?

Mike 38:23 (“up here thinking you know?”) It's not going very well.

Kevin 38:38 (“Lisa is loyal to me”) On an unrelated note, is that lipstick on your crotch?

Bill 38:53 (“what a story Mark”) It’s not funny, she’s in a coma!

Mike 39:04 (“have a girl Mark”) The girl in the hospital isn’t seeing anyone...

Kevin 39:16 (“Betty that’s her name?”) Last name, Bam­ba­lam?

Bill 39:25 (“too many arguments”) Turned out she was just a smiley face I drew on my hand.

Mike 39:36 (“flat out stupid”) Leave Tara Reid out of this!

Kevin 39:48 (“bothering you Mark”) Is the green screen giving you a headache?

Bill 39:59 (“well whatever”) Just don’t write a book about all of this and we’re cool, OK!

Mike 40:13 (“cranky today hahaha”) That’s great, I just testified against Chris R in federal court.

16 Kevin 40:29 (“may not come out right”) Like the time I planned to see a Transformers movie, then saw a Transformers movie.

Bill 40:39 (“shoot Denny”) Ryan Leaf takes furious notes on their quarterbacking technique.

Mike 40:52 (“I’m in love with her”) Or that could be the heroin talking, I’unno...

Kevin 41:03 (“and tell her that I love her”) But then I worry that my My Little Pony doll would get jealous.

Bill 41:18 (on Tommy) Coit Tower’s giving the movie the finger back there.

Kevin 41:36 (“better place to live”) He just wrote a Coldplay song!

Bill 41:51 (“like her son”) A son who’s her friend who wants to kiss her, look it’s really not that complicated!

Mike 42:01 (“Well…”) My last dick pic went over pretty well...

Kevin 42:14 (“that’s the idea”) [as Tommy] One day Lisa will hatch my young too.

Bill 42:31 (“come on let’s go”) That’s how I proposed to my wife, Let’s go get married HUNH, come on let’s go.

Mike 42:42 (“so how’s Johnny”) Is he lying on the couch really weirdly too?

Kevin 42:51 (“drunk last night”) He took a shot every time Big Bang Theory wasn’t funny.

Bill 43:05 (“marry him anymore” “WHAT?”) You were going to marry that thing?! ​ ​

Mike 43:18 (“with another guy”) And you're not involving chocolate at ALL?

Kevin 43:34 (“it’s Mark isn’t it”) Ooh, he’s so dreamy in a "Macaroni Grill waiter" kind of way.

Bill 43:45 (“honest with Johnny”) “Somebody might get hurt”, she tells her friend ​ ​ who just said her fiance hit her.

17

Mike 44:02 (“about this wedding”) Yeah, so was Robert Durst.

Kevin 44:18 (“is gonna happen”) I think it’s happening as we speak!

Bill 44:27 (goes for paper) Oh hai Jeffy from the Family Circus.

Mike 44:38 (“is safe with me”, Johnny) I ate the newspaper in the hallway!

Kevin 44:50 (“get a new dress?”) One that looks like a shirt and a pair of jeans?

Bill 44:59 (“scuse me”, beat) [as Michelle] You looked at me, so I gotta go cry in the shower a while.

Mike 45:09 (“remember what I told you”) Now I’ll just leave you alone with your abuser to go eat chocolate off my boyfriend’s johnson. Bye!

Kevin 45:21 (“I just told you that”) [as him] I giff away toaster at bank job today...?

Bill 45:32 (“I’m your future husband”) Husband...OF THE FUTURE!!

Mike 45:45 (“all the time”, laughter) He thinks this is her stand­up act.

Kevin 45:56 (“tell me everything”) [as Tommy] Did you poop today Lisa? DID YOU!?!

Bill 46:16 (“me apart Lisa”) James Dean’s Bulgarian zombie brother, folks!

Mike 46:27 (Lisa gets up) I’m gonna order another weird pizza. Half marshmallow, half ceviche. Extra vinegar.

Kevin 46:37 ("drive me crazy") In addition to aforementioned tearing of me apart.

Bill 46:45 (“goodnight Lisa”) Wait, why is that bannister dented, like someone have the sex against it?

Mike 46:53 (on bridge long enough after last line) Weatherman’s calling for sun, with a 30 percent chance of evening Birdemics.

18 Kevin 47:07 (“Tragedy on my hands”) [as bro Mike] I definitely have breast cancer, bro.

Bill 47:18 (“walked in on us”) It was this actor's improvisational skills that won him ​ this coveted role.

Mike 47:28 (“I get my shirt”) I get my chain wallet, I assume...

Kevin 47:42 (“looking for my book”) Cool that he later adapted this story into a TED Talk.

Mike 47:58 (“that’s life”) Sadly, Mike’s life really is just one long series of underwear stories.

Bill 48:15 (Denny: “I’m not sorry”) By the time this scene ends, all three of them get drafted by the Cleveland Browns.

Mike 48:30 (“oh hai Mark”) Sorry guys, misread the email, thought we were meeting on the fake roof, not the fake alley.

Kevin 48:41 (Mike collapses) Mark’s football coach was Ray Rice.

Bill 48:51 (Mike’s arm around Mark) Argh, I think I broke me underwears!

Mike 49:02 (“see you guys”) [as Tommy, reflecting fondly] Underwears, haha.

Bill 49:14 (“are you feeling okay?) I ­ HAVE ­ CANCER.

Mike 49:33 (“little more generous”) It is pretty customary to buy your mother­in­law’s friend a house.

Kevin 49:46 (“sex with someone else”) [as mom] What KIND of sex???

Bill 50:08 (“see me tomorrow”) [same tone] You’d better hope the cancer takes me tonight or you are in big trouble, young lady. ​ ​

Mike 50:16 (closing door) And they’re off to, oh who cares.

19 Kevin 50:28 (“I’ll record everything”) Every episode of Saved by the Bell, it’ll clog the DVR, that’ll show them!

Bill 50:38 (tape deck) [as Tommy] The play is de thing where I catch consciences of the de kings, hanh!

Mike 50:48 (picks up phone) You can tell it’s San Francisco, with all this cutting edge technology.

Kevin 50:55 (random kissy face) MWA!

Bill 51:01 (plugging cord in) This was my least favorite season of The Wire.

Mike 51:10 (closes tape deck) Perfect, now he can find out if Lisa’s cheating on him.

Kevin But he just heard her say she was.

Mike Exactly, but NOW he can find out if Lisa’s cheating on him.

Kevin Ahh ­­ wha?

Bill 51:26 (he smirks) He’s like Richard Nixon setting up the Watergate recordings, only not as sexy.

Mike 51:35 (rounding stairs) You don’t have to sneak Tommy, there’s nobody here. You saw them leave!

Kevin 51:49 (“what man does”) [as him] Least of all me, Karl Rove Junior.

Bill 51:59 (“what do you mean”) Also who am I and what’s my role in this movie?

Mike 52:10 (“Lisa, are you sure”) [amazed] Somebody else is into Lisa? (52:20 “Lisa we’re talking about?”) That is just not possible!

Kevin 52:29 (“do you have some advice”) If you’d made an appointment and paid me, sure.

Bill 52:39 (“between you and Lisa”) Plus my face melted at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, so...

20

Mike 52:57 (“love is blind”) After those sex scenes, we all wish we were blind.

Kevin 53:06 (“unexpected can happen”) Like new characters can show up with no explanation.

Bill 53:15 (“hear the door?” “yeah”) Yeah, it's too unexpected, I can't deal with it!

Mike 53:29 (“talking about wommin”) "Wommin?" Is that singular? Plural? Maybe 1.5 women?

Kevin 53:39 (“women just confuse me”) Not like jean jackets, man. Jean jackets make total sense to me.

Bill 53:49 (“mention this before?”) ‘Cause HE JUST GOT HERE!

Mike 54:02 (“away from you”) Haha, neither of those are plausible responses to what he just said.

Kevin 54:15 (“psychologist with us”) You JUST asked him to do that two minutes ago.

Bill 54:28 (“don’t know what to do”) Well definitely don’t make love again, please. ​ ​

Mike 54:37 (“together forever”) Forever? So, since Lisa was what, 12?

Kevin 54:50 (“making some good money”) Thanks Mark!

Bill This has been the “how Mark’s doing report.”

Mike 55:02 (“Bay to breakers this year?”) Please Mark, try to focus.

Bill 55:17 (“too many weirdos there”) Yeah, you wouldn’t wanna hang out with any weirdos. ​

Mike 55:33 (“barbecue chicken was delicious, rice”) “The barbecue chicken was delicious rice”?

Kevin Damn good rice that chicken.

21 Bill 55:44 (“king of the house?”) [as Mark] Speaking of houses, I’m thinking of moving to a bigger place, man, I’m making some good money.

Mike 56:07 (“out of state bank”) It was a check from the Bank of Mars.

Kevin 56:17 (“she was so beautiful”) [as Tommy] Even though she kept pointing at me and screaming.

Bill 56:28 (“she paid for dinner”) WHOA! That’s your movie, right there. ​ ​

Mike 56:35 (Tommy puts hair behind ear) He’s gonna whip up some barbecue chicken rice.

Kevin 56:48 (“hi Lisa” see Denny) And Denny...you just do your thing, Denny.

Bill 57:03 (“gotta work early”) [as Mark] I’m making some good money, man, thinking of moving to a bigger place.

Mike 57:12 (Peter waves) Tommy forgot to give me a line, seeya!

Kevin 57:28 (“only a month away”) You should listen to Denny, he’s sitting on the floor.

Bill 57:37 (“is there a problem”) There is a chair RIGHT in front of you.

Mike 57:46 (“I am happy”) [her tone] Can’t you tell?

Bill 58:00 (back on Peter at door) [bland unaccented voice] I did not hit her, it's not true, it's bullshit, I did not hit her, I did not…

Mike 58:11 (“up here isn’t it”) The title of this movie was a typo, supposed to be called The Roof.

Kevin 58:22 (“it’s good bro”) Almost as good as sitting on the ground when there are chairs nearby, which is very hot right now.

Bill 58:37 (“feeling in my stomach man”) That’s called the munchies.

MIke 58:44 (“forgive myself” shot change) [as Peter] Look, we all agreed to be in this movie, stop kicking yourself.

22

Kevin 58:59 (“crazy like that”) Between those two options, I’d say go with “running.”

Bill 59:13 (“you don’t know shit”) Hogwarts changed you Harry!

Mike 59:21 (“chill out Mark”) Pot’s known for making people really active and violent, right?

Kevin 59:32 (“what are you, nuts”) And why the leg humping??

Bill 59:42 (“sorry”) Hey, what’s a little attempted murder between friends.

Mike 59:50 (“about your problem”) Which problem, the sudden rage, the drugs, the beard? (kicks table) Ah, the sudden rage it is then.

Kevin 00:09 (“well you’re right, it’s Lisa”) Mark flunked out of secret­keeping school.

Bill 00:24 (“want my advice?”) Act like you knew this was supposed to be a comedy all along.

Mike 00:42 (“can’t love anyone”) Sounds like a balanced diagnosis from a trained psychologist, sure.

Kevin 00:50 (approaching door) So Peter, do you live in this building too?

Bill Who knows.

Mike 1:10 (“gonna look great”) Course they’re not for 2 weeks, not sure why we’re wearing tuxes today.

Kevin 1:18 (“oh hey Peter”) [as Tommy] Hey Peter, my shoes are glued to the floor.

Bill 1:24 (Denny laughs) Maybe all come in at once, instead of Bruce Lee enemy style?

Mike 1:40 (“play some football?”) I mean, what better way to celebrate a recent shave in formal wear?

Kevin 1:49 (“c’mon Peter”) Peter will deny ye three times.

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Bill 1:57 (cut to brick wall) And the entire Bluth family leaves the theater, disgusted.

Mike 2:04 (“all right Peter”) None of these guys have ever seen, let alone thrown a football before, right?

Kevin 2:22 (“you’re clumsy”) I landed on a broken beer bottle, you smug son of a bitch.

Mike 2:32 (random car footage) And now, some cars!

Bill 2:41 (dome) Nice break, let’s take in some of the beautiful sights of San Francisco, the loveliest­­ (Tommy enters frame) Ah dammit, don’t do that to me!

Kevin 2:58 (“extra whipped cream please”) Tommy accidentally left the camera at a coffee shop, didn’t he.

Mike Best scene so far!

Kevin 3:11 (“great, sure”) 10 more orders and we’ll get back to the movie.

Bill 3:26 (“mint tea”) Hot chocolate and a mint tea? You guys headed to Lilith Fair?

Mike 3:35 (“so tired of girls’ games”) Oh no, Mark’s a GamerGater.

Bill 3:52 (“life is too short”) I dunno, it’s feeling pretty long right now.

Kevin 4:00 (“real good”) [as her] Cheep­cheep­cheep­cheep­cheep!

Mike 4:09 (“lot of money”) Y’know who ELSE is making some good money, man…

Kevin 4:17 (“how is your sex life”) The soothing, natural rhythm of a conversation with Johnny.

Bill 4:25 (“yeah I’m sorry”) I have to carry around this manila folder full of expired Quiznos coupons.

Mike 4:35 (on Mark) [to himself] What the hell was that. Ah well, no chance this scene makes it into the movie.

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Kevin 4:51 (“What’s going on?”) Mark’s just not very bright, is he?

Mike 5:05 (his shirt finally off. as her) Just one more time, just 10 more seconds of bliss before you peter out like usual.

Kevin 5:15 (they kiss/vocal “ooh’s”) [as her] Oh baby... talk naughty to me, in an incomprehensible accent.

Bill 5:26 (sound of big sigh in song) That huge sigh? ...that was actually God, wondering “How did it come to this?”

Mike 5:36 (slightly after shot change) At Mark's apartment he hung up a bunch of dishtowels he stole from the 99 Cent Store, but it doesn't have the same effect.

Kevin 05:48 (“Your love”) [as Mark] Lisa, what’s going on here?

Bill 06:00 (Lisa leans up to take off bra) Luckily for us, there will be no actual sex because Mark was chemically neutered by his Mint Tea.

Mike 06:12 (Mark groans) [repeat groan and then] Can't stop thinking about work 'cause I'm sooo busy, Oooohhh.

Bill 06:23 (fade off Lisa’s boob) In terms of erotic moments, this rates right in between Craig Stadler’s win at the ‘82 Masters and President Taft’s inauguration.

Mike 06:35 (“you are the reason”) This feels strange to Lisa because she’s not used to getting it on with guys that are warm blooded.

Bill 6:49 (“you are the one for me” re his groan during that line) Now Mark sounds like a kid pretending to enjoy his grandma’s green bean and celery casserole.

Kevin [lying kid] Mm, good Grandma.

Bill 6:59 (shot change, ass thrusting) Her fiance is normally hissing and spitting venom at this point.

Mike 7:08 (shot change to wider shot) [as Mark] Oh yeah, so good ­­ oops hang on a second, just got one of Tommy’s long black hairs stuck to my tongue.

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Kevin 7:18 (shot change to closer) Please bear with us folks, only about 30 minutes of sex left and then it’s the end of the movie.

Bill 7:28 (slow humping; “my everything...innnn”) Take note, porn directors: apparently the sexiest thing in the world to look at is a man’s back.

Mike Don’t forget dirty sheets wadded around the waist!

Bill Of course, how could I?

Kevin 7:44 (golden gate) [threatening gangster] Pretty nice landmark you got there, be a shame if somebody came along and associated a long, horrifying dry­hump scene with it.

Bill 7:57 (2nd support first visible) After appearing in The Room, the Golden Gate bridge is fantasizing about jumping off itself right now.

Kevin 8:07 (car parking) Phew, found a spot!

Mike 8:18 (they clasp hands) At least 80% of this movie is people greeting each other.

Kevin 8:28 (shot change) Whoa whoa whoa, this is all wrong, this isn’t how people play football. Where are the tuxes??

Bill 8:38 (longer throw) No tuxes, and now they’re actually throwing the ball instead of handing it to each other? Has the world gone mad?!

Mike 8:47 (opera singing) There’s never been a scene that called for opera singing more than this one.

Kevin [joins in with her until end of city scene at 9:00]

Mike 9:13 (opens door) Makin’ some good money these days!

Bill 9:29 (“always ready, for you”) And pretty much anyone else who wanders into this apartment that I never leave.

26 Mike 9:38 (pulling off shirt) Oh come on, we just went through this!

Kevin 9:50 (“you’re so beautiful”) You make Helen of Troy look like a pile of shit.

Bill 10:02 (knocking, they jump up) Anti­Awkward Sex League, open up!

Mike 10:09 (“hang on, hang on”) Shirts are hard, I need more time!

Kevin 10:17 (Mark’s face) HEAD GO IN SHIRT HOLE!

Bill 10:29 (“what are you talking about”) Mark never made it to the end of the alphabet.

Mike 10:38 (she snorts) [as her] Your flagrant infidelity is just cute as heck!

Kevin 10:52 (“move the coffee table”) Only if we can giggle the whole time!

Bill 11:02 (“his zipper”) Yeah, that’s what he was “taking out.”

Mike 11:17 (“Mark’s his best friend”) Well this comes out of nowhere!

Kevin 11:34 (“I want it all”) [as her] Plus I finally got a good look at Johnny, and he’s like incredibly gross.

Bill 11:46 (“so manipulative”) Lisa’s mom is so manipulative, having cancer like a big jerk.

Mike 12:00 (“so different from mine”) Sure, that’s something people say to each other.

Bill Talking like Anakin Skywalker!

Kevin 12:13 (“big deal is” sets bread down) [as Count] One! (sets next thing down) Two! (sets third thing down) Three! Three grocery items on the table, ah ah ah!

Bill 12:33 (hits her with pillow) Ugh, wonder how much Tommy­grease just oozed out of that pillow.

Kevin 12:50 (running) [as Tommy] Did I tell you yet how beautiful and sexy Lisa is?

27 Bill Yes, like thirty times, now leave me alone!

Mike 13:00 (Tommy grunts) I dunno, without close­up football tossing this just leaves me cold.

Kevin 13:12 (“loans like these days”) Hard to hear, but Mark is asking about property loans.

Bill Perhaps for the sake of moving to a bigger place??

Mike Word on the street is, he’s been making some good money, man.

Kevin 13:27 (“8:00?”) Also hard to hear, but Tommy just referred to eight o’clock as the “late afternoon.”

Bill All is right with the world!

Mike 13:37 [car goes past red car] See that other room up there? Tommy made a movie about that one called That Other Room Up There.

Kevin 13:50 (Greg gets out) [as Greg] Man, that football we played in the car was the best.

Mike 14:00 (shot of blue building) Ahh, night in San Francis ­­ [changes to day] er. DAY, I guess, in San Francisco.

Bill 14:17 ("Bye") Please be Mark next time so I can say, “Oh hi, Mark.”

Kevin 14:30 ("not Johnny") I have another tumor... ("planning his party") it's really aggressive...

Mike 14:43 ("financial security") Talk to my friend Henry Winkler about a reverse mortgage.

Bill 15:01 ("marry your father...") ...Who is Denny, by the way.

Kevin 15:13 ("nothing to do with love.") Ask any of Tom Cruise’s wives.

Mike 15:24 ("Don't love him") I love flower store doggy. It’s very complicated.

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Bill 15:43 ("alone right now") [as Lisa] Gonna read a book called, How to Order a Pizza.

Kevin 15:50 ("my precious") I’ll bite your finger off later.

Mike 16:02 (Johnny appears) [as Johnny] Pretend you can know how to walk like a human, c’mon, you can do it… Damn.

Bill 16:16 (scene change) Kids are still screaming in the Disney Store.

Mike Mommy, what was that?!

Kevin 16:27 (opens door) [as Johnny] Oh, hi darkness, my old friend.

Mike 16:40 ("birthday to you...") Quiet, please. Not in front of the room.

Bill 16:56 (They toast) [sing] For he's a jolly good ­­ lifeform…?

Kevin 17:09 (Johnny charges glass) What the hell are they all saying?.

Mike 17:20 [scene change] This is a helpful scene in case you were still unclear ​ where the movie was set!! ​

Bill (couple beats after) I guess we’re going around again.

Mike 17:50 (Tommy / Mom) [as her] The doctor said unequivocally I have no more ​ ​ than a week to live.

Kevin [tersely insistent] Don’t worry about it.

Mike 18:05 [shot of Mark] Oh, hai, me.

Kevin 18:15 [shot of Tommy] I wonder if I really am her favorite customer….?

Bill 18:25 [shot of foursome] (As bland white person) “Me underwears,” well that is just terrific!

Kevin 18:35 (dick­face with cake) Theirs is a repulsive, dessert­based love affair.

29

Bill 18:43 (few beats after) He stole that watch from a 5 year­old on the way here.

Mike 18:54 (“Yeah”) Fresh air?! Da­umn riiigghht! WOOOO! How cool is that?!

Bill I’m gonna break into Denny’s apartment and steal drug money.

Kevin Yeah! Wait, what?

Bill 19:16 ("oh really") Yeah, I've got Peter the psychologist tied up in the closet.

Kevin 19:28 ("a surprise") Hope you like Mr. Salty mini pretzels.

Mike 19:45 ("all outside") Looking in through the windows.

Bill 20:00 ("are you doing this") [as him] As a new character, or possibly an old character re­cast, I object.

Mike 20:14 ("in your pocket") [as Mark] Just came up with that, now I realize how ​ ​ dumb it sounds. ​

Kevin 20:31 ("make me sick") Well, it would have made the other guy who was playing me previously, would have made him sick. ​ ​

Bill 20:46 ("I do") Inviting my friends was a much better plan than inviting hostile strangers.

*Mike 20:55 ("mm hmm") Well, if it’s hot, we could turn the heat do ­­

Kevin BACK OUTSIDE. EVERYONE!

All [cheer and celebrate] Woo­hoo! etc.

Bill 21:09 (her back) Wait a minute ­ this is all available outside? Why the hell ​ ​ would they ever go inside?

Mike 21:21 (pushes in on Tommy) Careful, he’s about to molt!

30 Kevin 21:30 ("we're expecting") [in his tone] ­­the cocktail wieners to be ready any minute!

Mike 21:42 ("talk to you") [as her] I’m pretty sure your boyfriend is a dried apple in a wig.

Bill 21:51 ("I agree with that") I was hoping he would weigh in on the matter...

Kevin 22:06 ("talking about") As a party guest I was so excited about coming outside, and now this?!

Bill 22:18 ("eventually anyway") [echoing guy] I agree with that.

Mike 22:30 ("me too") Millions could die, Lisa!

Kevin 22:48 ("our friendship") "Tearing me apart," you might say.

Bill 23:00 ("my future") As a titan of “The Computer Business.”

Mike 23:15 ("Mark really loves you") Because you don’t keep all your stupid ​ ​ comments in your pocket.

Bill 23:25 ("if you don't") [as weird guy] I agree with that.

Kevin 23:32 (“”) Yeah, let’s get some cake up in here!

Mike 23:48 ("Lisa looks hot tonight") Think I'll do her before I come home to you and the kids.

Bill 24:14 ("Want from me, huh?") Don’t sit in the crab dip ­­ too late.

Kevin 24:25 ("I'm sorry Mark") The unspecified banking industry has just been hell lately.

Mike 24:34 ("come out here please") Fresh air? Yeah!

Bill Let’s all go!

Kevin Woo­hoo!!

31

Kevin 24:47 (night­scape) Boston?The hell?!

Bill 24:56 (camera tilts up) At a … similar party … with the same people, wearing the exact same clothes...

Mike 25:06 (Johnny returns) Weren't we gonna... talk? Cause I've been outside waiting for four hours.

Kevin 25:14 ("none of your business") You're right, I should go. Hey, wait a minute!

Bill 25:25 ("planet are you on") Whoa, there’s a lot of comments coming out of a lot of pockets right now.

Mike 25:42 (Mark trips) All right, everybody back outside.

Bill 25:53 (“get out my house” they struggle) Fight coordinator: Timmy from third grade.

Kevin 26:06 (“cheep cheep”) That’s not how I sound when I do my chicken impression!

Bill 26:17 ("fed up with this world") [as him] I going back to Brazilo­Romani­Slovakia...stan.

Mike 26:30 (Old bint climbs stairs) Well, you're out of prune juice, and metamucil and milk of Magnesia.

Kevin 26:37 ("worry about that") [as her] And Johnny’s in my car, he decided to buy Harold a house.

Bill 26:51 ("going to be okay") He took a lot of magazines in there.

Mike 27:03 ("M­hm") [as mom] I stole your silverware.

Bill [as Lisa] What's that, Mom?

Mike Don't worry about it!

32 Kevin 27:12 (turns handle) Please turn the fan on. Please.

Mike 27:28 ("in a few minutes, bitch") Okay, honey ­ hey!

Bill 27:41 (dials phone) Euro­trash infesting your bathroom? Call 1­800­EUR­OUT.

Mike 27:52 ("what's goin' on?") I don't wanna talk about it.

Bill 28:01 (Johnny at door) [as Johnny] Tell them to go light on the pesto and artichoke this time. And pass my half under the door.

Kevin 28:22 ("want your body') I need you to help me pry up a loose floorboard.

Mike 28:30 (CU Johnny) [as him] You tell him? About the artichokes?

Kevin 28:39 ("we'll see about that") “We’ll see about that?” So he at least partially accepts that she was talking to nobody?

Bill He’s gonna hire a private investigator. See if there isn’t some way to poke holes in her story.

Mike 28:54 (cassette) Bob Seger mix tape. This will prove my undying love for you.

Kevin 29:08 ("Hello?") [as Johnny] Oh, hai, Mark.

Bill No, Johnny. Mark’s not actually here.

Kevin 29:24 ("sparkle of my life") Their conversation has bonus deleted scenes.

Mike 29:44 ("for seven years") Obama just said the same thing to Biden.

Bill 30:00 ("how could you love him?!") He drink mint tea!

Kevin 30:11 (lisa "be with you") Oh, crap, I taped over the Jerky Boys!

*Bill 30:19 (throws tape deck) Heh...supposed to shatter...

Mike 30:28 ("friend in the world") Well, there’s doggy.

33 Bill 30:38 (few beats after she leaves) Buy a new cassette player while you’re out.

Kevin 30:50 ("get out of my life" as her) Yep, totally doing it, bye!

Bill 31:02 (down stairs) Still out of my life? Good. Didn’t want you in it anyway.

Mike 31:15 (them in silhouette) What a rotten time to start passing a kidney stone.

Bill 31:27 (intercut w/humping) Well now it’s our turn to go “aaaaaggghhhhh”.

Kevin 31:36 (trashing) He's tearing it apart!!

Bill 31:44 (throws TV) Lisa hollowed out his TV, too, that whore!

Mike 31:52 (he babbles) He's speaking in tongues!

Kevin No, I clearly heard him say "Muuurway haaalllummbuhh!”

Bill 32:02 (trashes bed) Tommy’s trashing the room, much like the critics.

Mike 32:16 (breaking mirror) The mirror thanks him.

Bill 32:27 (sitting on floor) Nothing a cool blanket fort can’t cure.

Kevin 32:36 (smells dress) Mm, still smells of Marlboro lights and skin bronzer.

Mike 32:47 (3rd jerk­off scream) Ladies and gentlemen, RiffTrax is proud to present, The Last Thing in the World Any Sane Human Being Wanted to See.

Bill 33:02 (throws dress then says “aagh”) Women, please know that not all men react this way; crying, ripping your dresses in half and rubbing ourselves on them.

Kevin 33:15 ("why is this happening to me why?") I think the dress was just wondering the same thing...

Bill 33:25 ("everything will be all right") [start normally and then speak with something in your mouth] Oh, hi gun barrel.

Mike 33:31 (Bang) D'oh ­ sonuva ­ I thought this was my novelty Pez dispenser!

34

Bill 33:40 (starts dipping to black) Out. Out brief candle. Life is but a walking shad ­­ oh, hi, Mark.

Mike 33:54 ("is he dead") Cause he's as clammy as ever so it's hard to tell.

Kevin 34:03 (she draws in breath) [re blood as Mark] Sorry, I was eating buffalo wings when I heard the shot.

Bill 34:18 (Lisa weeps) I just ordered us a pizza. [*It’s gonna be terrible.]

Mike 34:25 (Mark bends to kiss) *sniffing* Even in death he smells of expired buttermilk.

Kevin 34:35 ("oh my God") He looks more alive as a dead person! (ALT: He got a boner after you kissed him!)

Mike 34:46 ("still have you, right? Right?!") She needs someone to keep her supplied with cassette players.

Bill 34:59 ("be together") We can have a combination funeral/wedding.

Kevin 35:12 ("don't love you") I’m too busy to love you. ​ ​

Mike 35:28 ("it's not right, it's not right") [as Denny] He hadn't paid my last semester's tuition!

Bill 35:35 ("leave us") I need to inhale his soul before it dissipates.

Kevin 35:48 ("be with him") What kind of leave, Denny?!

Mike 35:54 (Lisa & Mark at stairs) No, Denny, leave his pants on ­ Denny don't!!

Bill 36:07 (Mark goes to him) Johnny, where did you put the football?

Mike 36:19 (dead Johnny) Oh Hi Mark, hi Denny, hi Lisa. I'm dead you know, haha.... Now that everyone betray me, I gonna come back and haunt you, okay? Maybe float above you when you sleep or shower, I dunno yet. Anyway, Doggie will avenge me, hunh?

35

Bill 36:46 (couple beats later) He makes a really convincing corpse. I mean, for the whole movie, not just now.

Kevin Denny’s still trying to get his pants off. Denny, stop it!

Mike You are now released from The Room, thanks for joining us, everyone.

BIll Oh bai, everyone!

[plug future shows, tickets on sale now]

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