THINGS No One Ever Tells You
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THINGS No One Ever Tells You By Jim Aylward I believe that nutrition is very important. Healthy foods – natural foods – and whole grains are a part of my daily diet. But I still Vienna has a new orchestra need Cheese Doodles. They The University of Iowa lost mil- that turns vegetables into A 16-year-old girl tried to rob help my attitude. lions due to state budget cuts. musical instruments. Mem- the HSBC bank in Rochester, If I go a day without The professors decided to bers of the First Viennese New York, but her handwrit- those crunchy, cheesy counteract the shortfall by Vegetable Orchestra are ac- ing was so bad that the teller corn things in my life, I’m holding a bake sale. complished at instruments had trouble reading what she depressed – in a funk. A “Yes, the oatmeal cookies like the carrot flute, the had written on the note and Cheese Doodle or two, and are $3,000 a dozen, but we pumpkin harp, and of had to show it to another I’m restored. The sun is give you 13! The strawberry course, the ever-popular teller. By the time they figured high, and so am I. The shortcake is just $2,000 a leek violin. Spokesperson it out and handed her a bag of lakes and the rivers flow slice!” Mathias Meinharter, who money, it was closing time, effortlessly; the news is plays a trumpet carved and the employees were tilted toward funny. I laugh While surgeons in a hospital in from a cucumber and a locking the doors. She was at the slightest thing. I’m Kjellerups, Denmark, were re- bell pepper, says the or- trapped in the foyer and even amused by pompous moving a mole from a man’s chestra plays everything arrested. politicians with down- buttock, the electric knife from marches to African “Well, first we had to home accents (who might being used somehow ignited a music. translate, ‘Gib me all yur talk like anybody else if I spark. The man’s privates had “Oh, man, that zuc- mummy,’ then it was three yelled, “Fire!”) and those been swabbed with antiseptic, chini wails!” o’clock!” endless TV commercials for and so they were singed by the prescription drugs with resulting flare-up. A Lincoln, England, couple A tanker truck filled with deadly side effects (“May “You may experience a fell in love while playing a wine went out of control while cause heart attacks, itchy slight burning sensation for cow in a show. The Sun news- rounding a curve on Highway rash, or sudden death”). the next several years, but...” paper says they’re getting 16, east of Petaluma, One Cheese Doodle or two, married. The groom-to-be, California, rupturing the and I think the world is re- A man near San Francisco is Kevin Blackburn, doesn’t tank and releasing a river ally a great place after all. facing a $1,000 fine and possi- mind that he met his bride of wine onto the road. One I admit it: I ate a lot of ble imprisonment for voter when she was playing a cow’s policeman said, “I think it was Cheese Doodles as I pre- fraud. For more than two rear end. He says, “It was love chardonnay.” pared these “Things No years, he had his toy poodle at first sight!” I detect a heady, crisp, One Ever Tells You.” registered as a Republican. but somewhat petrol-like Perhaps you can tell. The city of Honolulu mis- exhilaration. India is being exposed to the counted the sewer-valve re- A mother of four children was Washy Talky, a very verbal pair kits in inventory. The New Zealand’s broadcast forced to spend two nights in a washing machine that speaks in number listed on the city minister has now decided Santiago, Chile, jail because both English and Hindi. records was 19,998. The num- that one out of every five she kept “a sloppy garden.” Electrolux says the new smart ber the city actually has is songs played on the radio I’m so glad my grand- machine says things like, “Drop two. Officials blamed an anti- there has to be Kiwi in origin. mother taught me weeding detergent, close lid, and relax!” quated inventory system for Well, the good part is, and deadheading. Through all Uh, huh. When it’s smart the problem. that will cut down on all those of these years, they’ve kept me enough to recite Robert Frost, Let’s see: What comes boy bands they keep foisting out of the slammer. let me know. after two? 73? on us. VOLUME 26, NUMBER 1 POSTED WITH PERMISSION. COPYRIGHT © LEADERS MAGAZINE, INC. LEADERS 193 When a college professor in A Florida man placed a per- Ottawa read the essays his stu- sonal ad for a love interest, de- dents had submitted, he found scribing himself as a bon vivant that 31 of them had commit- who “enjoys Mediterranean ted plagiarism. The subject of food, the poetry of Keats and the papers was ethics. Kavafy, and Baroque music.” He didn’t mention that he A National Science Week ex- makes his home at the state periment challenged three penitentiary for the murder of competitors to predict the his two ex-girlfriends. best buys on the London “I never said I was Stock Exchange. They were perfect!” a financial analyst, an as- trologer, and a five-year-old A new study shows that 60 girl. The little girl won. The percent of rural Chinese resi- financial expert came in dents never brush their teeth. third. Officials in Bangkok have They scratch them with a twig “Debbie, honey, want to decreed that people are no A British pilot and a female or rinse them with strong help Daddy make a lot of longer allowed to leave cadet reportedly had a sexual tea. money?” their pets unattended in encounter in the back of a “Jenkins, make a note. public places. The new law Lynx helicopter aboard the Let’s do research on introduc- Guards at the open-air Village was written to include cats, Royal Navy warship HMS ing Twig Tea Toothpaste. If we Museum in Bucharest have dogs, water buffalo, and Cumberland while the vessel can sell green ketchup – and been caught accepting bribes elephants. was at sea. we can – we can sell anything!” from people who want to have “But Captain, my water The cadet, they say, sex in the facility’s ornate cot- buffalo is on a leash!” was on a “familiarization It’s the newest Japanese tages. The amount? $3. cruise.” food treat: A Shimonoseki Isn’t that more an insult Lertrak Panjanawaporn cor- restaurant, Kujiraya, is pack- than a bribe? rectly answered 16 questions An attorney in Bethesda, ing them in now with its in a row to win Thailand’s ver- Maryland, has invented a cubi- whale burger, served with bar- An Italian court has ruled that sion of “Who Wants to Be a cle survival kit. Christopher becue sauce between two rice a wealthy father must continue Millionaire?” The show’s Ryan’s kit includes a rearview cakes. to pay for his son’s support, shocked producers couldn’t mirror, earplugs, an “I’m I love a good, crunchy even though the young man is believe the Bangkok street busy!” sign, a white-noise ma- whale burger – and magnum in his 30s, has a law degree, vendor could be so smart. It chine, and a poster that simu- of extra-strength antacid. and has turned down several turns out that, due to a com- lates an office window with a job offers. puter glitch, the correct an- really great view. Police investigating a report of If I were his daddy, I’d swers were highlighted on “Honey, I’m home!” a man carrying a dead woman send him to his villa, cut off her viewing screen. into his Munich apartment dis- his cable TV, unplug his PC, So maybe she isn’t so The price of a dancing- covered the corpse was really and withhold all 100 percent smart, but she isn’t stupid, chicken, singing telegram just the man’s new silicon sex durum semolina until further either! has gone up. Last year in doll. He owns four others. A notice. the United States, it was police spokesperson said that, A Japanese bank robber gave $85. This year it’s $95. when they knocked on his A 15-year-old in Cambridge, up a heist before he finished it, Sure, but when your door, the suspect told them he New Zealand, was suspended had his victims call the police, chicken dances with a top had just been testing out his from school after writing and then waited patiently to be hat and cane, you have to new acquisition. an essay about having an arrested. He said he decided to pay extra. erection in front of his class- quit when he realized he had Silvia Umile, a fortune-teller in mates. He says he was only left his mask at home and was Las Heras, Argentina, accused a following the topic he was therefore easily identifiable. local woman of sneaking into given: “How Does Your Body His doctor told him he her dreams at night and steal- Betray You?” was just suffering from Lone ing her powers to predict lot- Yes, Josh, but I suggest Ranger Syndrome, and that tery numbers. Authorities have you look up the meaning of after 21 sessions, he would thus far declined to file charges.