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The Special Circumstances of Death in an Interfaith Family

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The Special Circumstances of Death in an Interfaith Family A NEWSLEHER BY AND FOR JEWISH-CHRISTIAN FAMIUES volume three, number four February/March 1995 The Special Circumstances of Death in an Interfaith Family he topic of death is one most of us Christians who have been conditioned DOVETAIL'S generally choose to avoid. We to "get on with Ufe" as soon as possible. Editorial Advisory Board T prefer to ignore the unpleasant Jews generally put little stock in consid• reality that someday we will be sepa• eration of a life after death, \vhile such a IRWIN H. FISHBEIN rated from beloved family members and possibility is a central tenet for many Director r.''i- •• ' friends. Yet, for interfaith families Christians, so the phrasing of beliefs forResea- especially, it is a topic that cries out for and philosophy for the comfort of all We&tfiold discussion. The time surrounding a family members during a funeral Liisiit Go( Co-Auth'. Ji. family member's death is always tragic service can be extremely hard. Even the Choices and emotional, and if the complicated seemingly straightforward questions of jemish-Ch details of interfaith funerals and mourn• how ornate the casket should be and LF.R F. GRiJ/fN ing rituals have never been discussed, it whether or not it should be open have Author ot Raising 1 our le:ri>h brings with it an unnecessary layer of quite different answers for members of Christian Child: Hoic Intcrtaith confusion and painfully forced decision• the two faiths. Christians generally Parents Can Cm Children the Best of Both Their Heritages making. choose a more ornate casket and surround it with flowers. Jews are PETER K. MEEHA.N Perhaps the hardest aspect of dealing Pastor of St, Emeric's CJwrch, with death in an interfaith family is the buried in a simple, unordained pine New York; conflict between contrasting sets of box. Christians usually embalm the Co-A«thor oi Happily Intennar' icd: mourning rituals. Jewish and Christian bodies of their deceased, Jews do not. Auttmritatiw Advice for a Jowus approaches to death are quite different, In recent decades, some of these Jeu'i^'Ckristian Afej-w?? and finding a common ground where traditional funeral and mourning JOHN WADK PAVNK Pa'itor of Park A vpnup Christian both partners in an interfaith mar• practices have become less definitive, as Church, New York; riage—not to mention their families— people look more deeply at the meaning Co-Author of tiajipily Intermartied: would be comfortable is difficult. Susan of death rituals and adapt them to Authoritative Advice for a joyou< Weidman Schneider, author of Inter• changing times and beliefs. Cremation Jcwish'Christian Marriage marriage: The Challenge of Living has become a more popular option; BRUCE ROBBINS with Differences Between Christians & continued on next page General Socretarv, General Commission on Christian Unitv Jews (New York: The Free Press, 1989), and Interreiigious Concerns, cites the interfaith family's "conflicting United iMethodist Church loyalties—to the tradition of a deceased IN THIS ISSUE ROY A. ROSFNBKRG parent or spouse, and to their own The Tie That Unbinds 3 Rabbi ot Temple of Universal needs for comfort in a time of grieving." Iiidaisni, New York; Estate Planning Issues 5 The potential conflicts are easy to Co-Author of Hsppily Intvaimrried: When Two Faiths Grieve Authoritative Aditice for a foyous spot, once a couple begins to look. Together 6 femish-Christimi Marriage Stoicism, a typical Protestant response Blocl< 53, Section C, Plot 7 8 AMIRIW S. VV AISUN to a painful situation, is foreign to Jews. ft-ofessor Emeritus of Psychiatrv & The seven-day shiva period, when Resources on Mourning 9 Professor Emeritus of Law, Jewish family members do not cook or Letters from Readers 10 University of Michigan go back to work, may seem excessive to Reader Survey Results 11 Membership on DOVETAIL'S Editorial Bulletin Board 12 Advisory Board does not necessardy imply Please complete and moll SPECIAL IN THIS ISSUE: endorsement of the articles and opinions expressed lierein. your Reader Survey today! Reader Survey 11...... 13 continued from page 1 Indeed, parents and children alike Turn to page 11 for a summary of answers to the question of afterlife are may realize that our experiences with what we have learned about DOVE• no longer taken for granted. This death can be a tremendous resource. TAIL readers so far. And don't miss increasing openness will probably be As Elisabeth Kiibler-Ross, the world- our new advertisers on pages 15 and helpful to interfaith couples who are renowned authority and counselor on 16. We hope, as always, that this forced to deal with the death of a death, wrote in her 1975 book. Death: issue will give you food for lots of loved one. Some couples may feel The Final Stage of Growth (New thought. T less constrained to follow religious York: Simon & Schuster), "death does traditions that are no longer the not have to be a catastrophic, destruc• standard for their denomination, and tive thing; indeed, it can be viewed as instead will be freer to create the kind one of the most constructive, positive, of funeral and mourning rituals that and creative elements of culture and are most comforting to them. life." She goes on to hope that her Nevertheless, differences in culture readers can realize that "all people are and religious practice make it essen• basically alike; they share the same tial for interfaith couples to talk about fears and the same grief when death what they want for the marking of occurs.... In the decades to come we their own deaths. In their article in may see one universe, one human• this issue, Mary Helene and Stanley kind, one religion that unites us all in DOVETAIL'S mission is to provide a chan• Ned Rosenbaum raise many of the a peaceful world.... Through nel of communication for interfaith couples, specific questions that Jewish-Chris• understanding that in the end we all their parents and children. The more families tian couples should address when share the same destiny—that just as can share their ideas, experiences, resources, and support, the more they can make peace in considering how they want to be surely as we are alive, so we will their homes and communities. Jewish and buried. Attorney Dan Josephs ad• die—we may come also to understand Christian perspectives can dovetail. dresses a number of legal consider• that in life also we must be as one, Believing that there are no definitive answers ations surrounding planning an aware and appreciative of our differ• to the questions facing interfaith families, interfaith funeral and estate in his ences and yet accepting that in our DOVETAIL strives to be open to all ideas article on page 5. humanness, we are all alike." and opinions. Editorial content attempts to balance and respect the perspectives of both If all of this seems morbid and you Through her work on death and Jewish and Christian partners in interfaith find it painful to discuss, consider the dying, Kiibler-Ross has developed a marriages, as well as the diverse perspectives fact that you are helping your partner well-considered vision of a world of parents and children of interfaith couples. Inclusion in DOVETAIL does not imply en• by easing the difficulty of planning where religious and cultural differ• dorsement. DOVETAIL accepts a thought• should tragedy occur. By making the ences are celebrated, where interfaith ful and constructive discussion of all related hard decisions now, you and your marriage is expected and respected. issues in the Letters to the Editor section, and partner will be freed from the awful In this issue of DOVETAIL, we ask reserves the right to reply. situation of being forced to make you, our readers, to share your views DOVETAIL (ISSN 1062-7359) is published them in the midst of crisis later. and experiences regarding interfaith bimonthly (6 times per year) by: Dovetail "For the survivor," writes marriage. Our second Reader Survey, Publishing, P.O. Box 19945, Kalamazoo, MI Schneider, "having these arrange• found on pages 13-14, offers Jewish- 49019; (616)342-2900. ments in place in advance can mean Christian couples an opportunity to DOVETAIL welcomes your comments, the difference between experiencing share with other readers the details of letters, and suggestions. Please send them to Joan C. Hawxhurst, Editor. the normal pain of grief or living their courtships and weddings. How through the additional cruelty of did your family respond to the news A one-year subscription is available for $24.99 from theaboveaddress (Michigan residentsplease [details like] searching for an appro• of your engagement? Did you find add 6% sales tax). International subscriphons priate burial ground in an urgent supportive clergypeople to help with $35.00. Single Issues available for $4.50 each. situation." your ceremony? The answers to these DOVETAIL welcomes article submissions If couples can be open and honest and other questions will be tabulated and letters to the Editor. Send query or about what they want for their death, and reported in a future issue of completed manuscript tojoan C. Hawxhurst, they will be helping each other plan, DOVETAIL. Editor, at the above address. We look for• ward to hearing from you. and they may come as well to a Also in this issue are the fascinating Copyright © 1995 by Dovetail Publishing. renewed appreciation of each other. results of our first Reader Survey. All rights reserved. 2 DOVETAIL FEBRUARY/MARCH 1995 ERSONAL EXPERIENCE Ties that Unbind by Mary Helene Rosenbaum and Stanley Ned Rosenbaum, Ph.D. e are a practicing Catholic idea. 1 don't like it and an observant Jew. The myself, much.
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