Vol. 2 Issue 4 February 2006 Monthly
America
We’re the fast food nation and we like it that way!! Page 5
It’s Good to Be The King
WHAT’S GOING ON AT I’m Not Geostrophic Geoff! THE SMITH HAVEN MALL? Answers to questions on the never ending construction Page 3
THE BEST FILMS COMING YOUR WAY IN 2006 From Superman to My Super Ex-Girl- age 4 friend... Page 12 Inside: P This Issue USG Judicial Scandal
By Justice Alexsandra Borodkin the president filled up the remaining seats- void and the document I had written re- --all without violating the USG Constitution placed them. I was appointed to the Undergradu- or the Judiciary bylaws of 2003. The court’s retaliation, however, was ate Student Government Supreme Court in That meeting was the beginning of the unprecedented. After receiving several very February of 2005 by former President Jared court’s descent into illegitimacy. The chief memorable e-mails, the remaining justices Wong. But my appointment had come in the justice due to the audacity of his charges, decided to risk the creation of a terrible prec- midst of a great power struggle between the disrespect for the senate, and flagrant tem- edent and the imminent downfall of the third president and the then presiding Chief Jus- per, at the end of the night ended up with branch of government. The chief justice al- tice Vlad Frantz. I remember sitting at the lowed his girlfriend, Justice Susana Katz to beginning of the senate meeting in which file a brief to their own court concerning the the chief justice was going to ask for the Judiciary bylaws with me as the defendant. Unhappy with both parties? impeachment of the president. I was holding One justice was filing a case against another, my notes in my hands, looking over them in front of a court that had already rendered There’s always the Libertarians. nervously. I was going to defend the presi- a negative opinion about its own governing Page 7 dent no matter what the consequences were. document. To make matters even more “help- I looked around and saw that the chief ful,” the supreme court placed an injunction justice was there already, and his girlfriend, on the new bylaws. So now the whole ju- Justice Susana Katz, was beside him. There dicial branch was left without a governing were no members of the Judicial Council in document: A dangerous free-for-all. the gallery, even though the former Chief For the case hearing, I chose the then Judge Artie Flynn, had helped me prepare Elections Board Chairman, Robert J. Ro- my counterarguments against the impeach- mano, to be my co-advocate. The Elections ment. Though it was not that apparent at the Board had many things to lose. The chair time, there was a significant rift between and the Elections Board members had spent the Judicial Council and the supreme court. a whole semester reorganizing the agency The Council was tired of the oppressive and and implementing reforms, including free- morally corrupt environment that members dom of speech, into the candidacy process. of the supreme court were forcing them to And now, with the new Elections Board by- work under. How deep the corruption ran, I laws, the agency needed to make sure that Right Wing Girls Are Hot... would discover soon enough. the candidates had the option of taking their Page 9 The reason for the impeachment fell grievances concerning the elections process more on the grounds of blackmail than it Justice Alexsandra Borodkin or results to the appropriate governmental did on “presidential neglect of duty,” as the body. That meant that the courts had to be WTF?! Picture chief justice claimed. At that time, before impeachment charges against him. And the working legitimately. Guy steals cell phone, takes photos my appointment, there were five members court remained at a standstill. After my ap- The case hearing lasted for over four sitting on the supreme court. But there might pointment, I tried to push in the few meet- hours, where I and my co-advocate defend- of himself, ending up on the net. as well have been two. The Associate Chief ings that we actually had (office hours were ed the document that had received practi- Page 14 Justice, Chris Macchio was in Amsterdam not required of the justices) to dismiss the cally unanimous support from the other for the whole semester, and Justice Christina injunction and move on with the court case, two branches of government. Justice Katz Rodriguez and Justice Matthew Mroz never or declare a mistrial. The court was willing complaint against the Judiciary bylaws in- XM Radio Vs. Sirius rendered any personal opinions on anything. cluded many strong, legal arguments, such Howard Stern or Opie and Antho- But technically speaking there were five “I rewrote the Judiciary as “justices holding office hours violate the ny? The case for XM radio. justices on the supreme court and the court principle affirmative action” and creating was functioning constitutionally. There was bylaws... and set up an supreme court accountability would “violate Page 7 no dispute on this fact, but there was a dis- accountability system. I the principle of double-jeopardy.” Justice pute involving the C.O.R.E. laws and the did not inform any of my Katz would later be offered by the current Canada becomes a “Red” State. case had been filed before the supreme court. president, Diana Acosta, the position of What about the liberal refugees? It was not a legal dispute, however, but a bit- colleagues on the supreme chief justice. ter, political one. We lost the case. The court had now Page 12 court.” That year the C.O.R.E. coalition had finally legalized its corrupt actions. It had al- gained significant seats in the senate and to do neither. I waited for over two months lowed four openly biased justices to sit on The Stony Brook Ice Hockey Team had begun to pass legislative reform involv- until I decided to do what I thought was nec- a trial, it had allowed a justice to file a brief ranked #1 in the Northeast. ing political and religious clubs as well as essary to save the Judiciary. With the support to her own court, and it had struck down its Page 13 organizations. At the beginning of the year, of members of the Judicial Council and the own governing document. The precedent set those involved in the opposition to C.O.R.E. president, I rewrote the Judiciary bylaws. I by the Katz v. Borodkin case was a disaster. filed a case with the supreme court against wrote a completely new document, I added My co-advocate, however, was a little less Ted Kennedy’s Drink of the the C.O.R.E. laws. The supreme court then office hours, created time limits for injunc- grim. In his opinion, we had won also. We Month: Angel’s Kiss decided to use that case as means of politi- tions and set up an accountability system. I had broken the court’s silence---it was the New! Drunk of the Month cal blackmail and placed an indefinite in- did not inform any of my colleagues on the first time in eight months that the court had junction on the C.O.R.E. case. Although the supreme court. After two senate meetings heard a case. Page 16 court could function constitutionally, it just and one executive council meeting, the old refused to hear any judicial business until Judiciary bylaws were declared null and Continued on page
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Please send submissions to: [email protected] Editor-in-Chief News Editor Staff Writers: Enduring Freedom Alliance: Erik Berte Erica Smith Nathan Shapiro President Erik Berte Visit us online at: www.stonybrookpatriot.com Managing Editor Advertising Manager Justin Cleveland Vice President Virginia Morgan Rachel O’Brien Chris Dolley Robert Romano Secretary Rachel O’Brien A paper of the Enduring Freedom Alliance: Jason Frank Treasurer Chris Dolley Art Director Public Relations Manager http://www.ic.sunysb.edu/clubs/efa/ Brian Holt Virginia Morgan Andrew Curran Leslie Mescallado Disclaimer: The views expressed in the opinions Legal Advisor Staff Photographer Davey Jones Alexsandra Borodkin James Davis columns are not necessarily the opinions of The Chris Pitera Patriot or its editorial staff. Proofreading Editor Contributing Photographer Byung Min Sa Megan Gaffey Mark Murphy Brett Denyer
The Patriot - February 2006 Smith Haven’s Big Plans The Pill Shown to Decrease Sexual Desire By Erica Smith The birth control pill may decrease sexual desire, even months after women stop taking it says a new study from Boston University Medi- cal Center. The leaders of the study were Claudia Panzer, MD and Irwin Goldstein, MD. Panzer is now in practice in Denver. Goldstein is Edi- tor-in-Chief of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. The study appeared in the January issue of this journal. The study followed three groups of wom- an. 62 were using birth control pills of various kinds, 39 had used the pill for at least six months but stopped at the beginning of the study, and 23 had never used the pill. The average age for the groups was 32, 32 and 36, respectively. The researchers found that the group who continued using the birth control had increased amounts of a protein in their blood stream called “sex hormone binding globulin.” High levels of that protein can lower testosterone, which can cause decreased sexual desire in men and women alike. And yes, women do have a small amount of testosterone in them. Study co-author Dr. Andre Guay, director of the Center for Sexual Function/Endocrinol- ogy, said, “We have known for a long time that 30 to 40 percent of women on birth control pills have decreased libido.” The surprising part was that the group who had stopped taking the pill continued to have higher levels of this protein than the women who had never taken the pill. These women were followed for up to a year and continued to Sears entrance looks barren as small stores are being moved out to make way for new ones. Inset: a pardon our appearance have low testosterone levels and low sex drive. sign, explaining the new renovations at the mall. Dr. Goldstein said, “Everybody thought that when you stopped the pill that everything returned to normal. What we are finding is that Lifestyle Center Planned in Mall Expansion is not the case.” Dr. Panzer pointed out the importance of By Rachel O’Brien An open-air shopping center which will ry, which at the moment has no locations in physicians telling their patients of potential be called the “Lifestyle Center”, is planned Suffolk County. A Dick’s Sporting Goods, side effects of the pill, such as decreased desire, The Smith Haven Mall, long overdue to be built where Stern’s is currently lo- a Barnes & Noble and a Macy’s Furniture arousal, decreased lubrication and increased for a makeover, is receiving a face lift at the cated. The old Stern’s location will provide Store will also be added. Between the Life- sexual pain. She added that if woman complain price of $75 million. Located on Route 347, approximately 240,000 square feet of space style Center and the existing mall, 20 other of these symptoms, “it is crucial to recognize Nesconset Highway, the mall is home to and an additional 185,000 square feet will new stores are expected to open within the the link between sexual dysfunction and the oral over 130 stores including Eddie Bauer, Ann be added to build the Lifestyle Center. next year. There is no word yet on what contraceptive and not to attribute these com- Taylor, Hot Topic, Abercrombie and Fitch, The open-air shopping center, as the these new stores will be. plaints solely to psychological causes.” Victoria’s Secret, FYE, H & M, Banana Re- spokesman described it, will be a building The demolition of Stern’s is expected The researchers acknowledged that more public, Spencer Gifts, Gap, Bath and Body separate from the mall where shoppers will soon, with construction of the Lifestyle studies will need to be done to support these Works and Foot Locker. be able to enter individual stores with side- Center soon following. findings. In the meantime, it’s important to According to a spokesman for the mall, walks, walkways and manicured landscape. The mall has recently been relocating consider these drawbacks when choosing a con- Smith Haven is scheduled for a major con- One of the major projects of the Life- the smaller stores, formerly near the Sears traceptive. struction project that could take up to a year style Center will be the addition of a very wing, to other areas of the mall to make way to complete. popular restaurant, The Cheesecake Facto- for new stores to set up shop.
The End of the Movie Business? Our Mission: The goal of The Patriot is to offer an alternative point of view to the high definition cable channels. They have Wagner believes that his new way of By Andrew Curran students of Stony Brook University. It is created a studio that could revolutionize the distribution will help provide new growth a paper dedicated to raising awareness of It could be the beginning of the end movie industry. opportunities for the industry. “Only about student issues on campus, and conservative for the movie industry when the low budget By itself this is not something that 10 percent of the population are active mov- issues on the national scene. While it does movie, Bubble, hits theaters on January 27. would cause Hollywood to crumble, al- iegoers, I want to reach that other 90 per- not actively seek controversy, The Patriot On opening day, the film will be released not though it could hurt the studios and movie cent.” He believes that people who don’t go strives to offer opinions and news that will only in the theaters, but also simultaneously theater chain revenues. Currently, studios to the movie theater will pay up to view the encourage the students of this campus to ask on DVD and high definition cable channels. release a film in the theater for six weeks newest releases from their living room. themselves what their true values are. It is The innovators of this controversial distri- or longer, and then it comes out on DVD, Many think that change is long overdue dedicated to building upon and fostering the bution channel are Mark Cuban and Todd where consumers pay the industry again to in the movie industry, with tickets costing conservative views that are strong among so Wagner. They have produced other films buy or rent it. Next, the film goes to pre- over ten dollars per show in major theaters. many of us, yet suppressed in our community. as well including, “Good Night and Good mium cable channels who pay the studios to People like Todd Wagner and Mark Cuban But ideology aside, all of our news will be Luck.” show the film. Then the networks pay the believe that by challenging the established bound to three standards; we will always be They started with a production com- studios to air it on free television. It’s easy path, they’re creating alternatives that will factual, sensible, and reasonable. pany and added to it with the purchase of to see why the studios would be reluctant provide a more economically competitive the Landmark Theater chain along with two to change. environment.
The Patriot - February 2006 After the huge response we received from last issue’s epic account of the legendary Geostrophic Geoff, The Patriot decided to give our readers a little follow up. I Am Not Geostrophic Geoff! By Brian Holt You seemed angry that You obviously read the you think of one? people mistake you for article on Geoff in the last I have a few. There’s Billy “Who is this guy and where are his shoes?” You and many others here at Geoff. How often does that issue of The Patriot. Now Dick cause of my name – Stony Brook may have asked this very question as found on the “Who the Hell happen? that you know all about him, William Richard. There’s also is the Napoleon Dynamite Look Alike Around Campus?” profile on Facebook. In the beginning it happened in what ways are you not Red Cup Willie because of the Many have seen the real Geostrophic Geoff and wondered what his deal was, every day. Up until the story like him? red cup I carry around with me but then there’s Stony Brook University Senior Will Richard. Due to a few came out, maybe once a week Well, first off… the bare feet at all times. physical similarities combined with the general confusion over the real Geoff, I’d get it. There’s even a thing. I mean sometimes I poor Will was forced to field almost as many questions about Geoff as the real Facebook thing on it and they do that but only during the Sounds like you both kind Geoff himself. Many of the perplexed masses thought Will was Geostrophic write to me and ask. summer or only when I’m of have superhero names. Geoff. His build and curly blond hair may have confused the less enlightened drunk. I’m Irish. I drank right Superman has an arch rank and file, but make no mistake –this guy is no Geostrophic Geoff. Can you give some examples before I sat down here. nemesis named Bizzaro who By the end of last semester, Will had grown somewhat complacent to all of what they ask you? may resemble him but is his this. However, after seeing last issue’s cover story, his attitude changed. Why were you doing yoga in That’s a big difference right polar opposite. Would you “I hate this guy!” Will yelled as he slammed down the Geostrophic Geoff your tighty whities outside the there. Geoff doesn’t drink at consider yourself the Bizzaro covered edition of The Patriot. “Now they won’t ever leave me alone!” Clearly library yesterday or something all remember? He won’t go version of Geostrophic frustrated by all this, Will decided to clear the air. “I AM NOT GEOSTROPHIC like that? I just tell them that near alcohol. Geoff? In other words, GEOFF!” I’m not that guy, but that’s not Ha! I have a keg-o-rator in do you think you’re his enough for them sometimes. I my room. I’ve gone through complete polar opposite? get it all the time. 13 kegs this semester. They I guess so. I mean obviously all had girl names like Betsy. there are a lot of differences We named them like naming between us, but we do have hurricanes. some similarities too. We both run. Although, I wear shoes Speaking of names, Geoff when I do it. We both are has a cool nickname. Do you going to be studying abroad. have one too? If not, could Different places though. He’ll be in Russia and I’ll be in Australia.
So lastly, now that you’re finally face to face with the one and only Geostrophic Geoff, are there any questions you want to ask him? Dude, what’s with those tighty whities?
The Patriot - February 2006 It’s Good to Be The King! By Erik Berte is that kids can’t buy cigarettes until companies like McDonald’s they’re 18 in most states anyway, 19 are out to make money off of Okay so Americans, in gen- here in Suffolk County thanks to our addicted customers (yeah, he Have You Had Your Break Today? eral, are getting fatter… But even benevolent county legislature. actually claimed that people if they are, recent studies show that But junk food and fast food can become addicted to the Americans are also growing (no pun is something that kids can get hold food there) and are caus- intended) more accepting of people of. We all remember begging our ing the obesity problem in with “more to love” body types. mom’s to get this or get that for us at America. He also claimed That aside, the “obesity epidemic” is the supermarket. A lot of times we that the companies manipu- being blown way out of proportion first saw the product that we wanted late children by creating car- in many aspects and much of this is on a television commercial. toon characters like Ronald Nickname Mickey D’s BK Lounge (Thanks Dane) due to typical media hysteria. Well now, believe it or not, McDonald and The Burger Current Motto “I’m lovin’ it” “Have it your way” Furthermore, kids are be- there are actually law suits being King. Sound familiar? Trademark ing denied the tasty goodness of brought against companies such as The way he does this, Big Mac Whopper Coca-Cola and potato chips in high Kellogg’s for marketing products though, is pretty ridiculous, Burger schools across the country, and there like “sugary cereals” that they deem I think. The guy ate 5,000 Calories in isn’t even any evidence that moder- unhealthy to kids. And we’ve al- calories worth of McDon- Trademark 560 670 ate consumption of these so-called ald’s every day for thirty Burger “empty calories” is as detrimental to days. That’s 3,000 calories Current their health as some “experts” make more than what most people Number of Over 30,000 Over 11,000 them out to be. need in their diet. Then he Locations A lot of this hysteria is a result acted surprised when strange of the next round of big law suits, things started happening to First Restau- San Bernardino, CA Miami, FL following the same pattern of suits his body. It’s all McDon- rant Location against “Big Tobacco.” And it all ald’s fault, right? Of course “Manipulat- follows the strange logic that people you’re going to get fat and ing” Cartoon Ronald McDonald The King are stupid and so easily manipulated sick from eating that much, Character into believing anything that they but the point is that almost couldn’t possibly be responsible for no one actually eats like that. their own actions. So what was he trying to We’ve known about the dan- Being obese isn’t all bad. do? Well, just like all those evil fast an apple pie in my bag instead of gain . . . it is not the place of the gers of smoking for decades. Thanks to her size, look what food corporations, Spurlock wants my apple dippers doesn’t mean I’m law to protect them from their own Health professionals and the gov- this woman can pull off! to make money too, as do the law- going to say, ‘Oh, I can eat the apple excesses. Nobody is forced to eat at ernment have warned against it for yers who will likely make big bucks pie.’” McDonald’s. . . . Even more perti- the longest time. As we all know, ready seen suits over the past few off of this next round of law suits. The fact of the matter is that nent, nobody is forced to supersize there are even large warnings on years against McDonald’s. They To further disprove the film, a Spurlock could have eaten 5,000 their meal or choose less healthy cigarettes that basically say, “yeah, believe these items to be increasing few people actually went on “Mc- calories of food each day at practi- options on the menu.” smoke these and you’re gonna get childhood obesity in the country, Donald’s Only” diets. One of them, cally any restaurant and would have I don’t think that could have lung cancer and die.” Apparently another claim yet to be substantiat- 35-year-old mother, Merab Morgan, still seen similar results. It’s ridicu- been put any more perfectly. So it that’s not enough for some of the ed. How many of us grew up eating ate three meals a day at a McDon- lous to target one fast food chain seems at the moment that this is- people who sue tobacco companies Lucky Charms or Captain Crunch? ald’s restaurant chain for ninety and say that it’s their entire fault. sue has been temporarily resolved, and charge that they’ve been manip- These are “sugary cereals” and have days and actually lost 37 pounds. What ever happened to personal but if the big lawyers get their way ulated into smoking them and were they made us all incredibly obese, She counted calories and limited responsibility? People choose what and the media continue their trend unaware of the dangers. unhealthy young adults? At least I her intake to 1400 per day. And she they eat and no one can force them of fast food and junk food hysteria, Big lawyers then went on to know I’m not fat. wasn’t only eating salads; she in- to eat anything they don’t want. we could see a recurrence of suits. make the case that evil tobacco Much of this trend can be at- cluded burgers as well. “I thought Thankfully in 2003, U.S. Dis- Or worse yet, this could replace companies purposely target kids in tributed to the media, just like many it’s two birds with one stone — to trict Judge Robert Sweet ruled that the dwindling number of tobacco their advertising with cartoon char- other forms of hysteria. Movies lose weight and to prove a point for “any liability based on over-con- cases. acters like Joe Camel. Whether this like Morgan Spurlock’s “Super Size the little fat people,” Morgan said. sumption is doomed if the conse- is true or not, the fact of the matter Me,” attempt to convince people that “Just because they accidentally put quences of such over-consumption “Birdy, was your father a meat burglar?” are common knowl- “Here’s why I ask... because it looks edge… If a person like someone stole two fine hams and shoved them down the back knows or should of your dress.” know that eating copious orders of supersized McDon- ald’s products is un- healthy and may result in weight
According to James Painter, professor at Eastern Illinois University, even cheeseburgers and fries can occasionally be included in a healthy diet. Healthy choices can be found at every fast-food It’s Snow White and the “Seven Kings”: Wheezy, Puffy, Stuffy, Burpy, restaurant. Fatty, Baldy, and Kingy.
The Patriot - February 2006 Opinions The Hebrew What About B e n Hammer Microsoft’s answers Rights? painting had to be created? Would that go over very well? I think not. Erik Berte At least in this country, that would be considered an infringement on America the first amendment, the freedom of speech and expression. I think Dear Hebrew Hammer: Poor Microsoft! The South software can be seen as a form of I recently attended the premiere of your latest book HammerTIME: The true story of the Hebrew Hammer. Korean Fair Trade Commission expression too. Although I love your book, I think that asking $29.95 for an autographed copy is simply highway robbery! I recently decided that Microsoft The reason I mention our have written many letters to you as well as to your agent, your publisher, and every major newspaper in the did something wrong by includ- country is because, as almost ev- United States. To this date, I have not received a response from anybody which acknowledges my complaints. I ing Windows/MSN Messenger eryone knows, Microsoft was fac- have been in contact with my lawyers about what to do about this situation, and I am considering filing a class- with Windows XP. Apparently this ing lawsuits in the U.S. for similar action lawsuit on behalf of everyone who was overcharged for your book. is something very wrong because “crimes.” I’d argue that antitrust Dr. Linda Rosenblatt Great Neck, NY The Hammer Says: Linda- your constant kvetching reminds us all of our mothers, and is a source of terror to all young Jewish boys worldwide. In fact, I would rather face down a battalion of terrorists than put up with any more of your meshuggeneh nagging. On the advice of my attorney (yes, The Hebrew Hammer has an attorney) I have decided to refund 15% of the purchase price, as well as awarding you a $25 gift card to Abercrombie and Fitch which was given to me as a present that I would probably have never used.
Dear Hebrew Hammer: As a Jew living in the Scottish Highlands, it is more than a wee bit difficult to keep up with events that relate to us Jews, you know. I wrote this letter just wanting to know if the legends are true. Are you really 7 feet tall? Can you shoot fireballs from your eyes and lightning out of your arse? Moishe McFadden Inverness, Scotland The Hammer Says: Bill Gates was actually once arrested for a traffic violation. Moishe- The only person I know who can do those things is William Wallace, national hero of Scotland. As a neurotic Jew, I would never consider doing such unsanitary things even if my life depended on it. As for my they’re not only being fined, but laws essentially violate the first height, I have an average height for a Jew, which is about 5’2. being told that they have to re- amendment and I’d love to see the lease another version of Windows Supreme Court rule on this. Dear Hebrew Hammer: XP in that country that doesn’t in- Anyway, Microsoft at one One of the junior partners in my law firm introduced me to your column about six months ago.The letters clude the messenger program. The point even threatened to remove you publish are oftentimes offensive and serve to perpetuate negative stereotypes about the Jewish people. commission argues that Microsoft their operating system from South Therefore, I have cancelled my subscription to The Patriot, and will ask my friends to do the same. wasn’t giving smaller companies in Korea all together, which I think Forsythe E. Bernstein III the area a “fair” shot at having their would be the best thing for them to Director, Kantrowitz, Bernstein, & Broflovski, LTD messaging program used. do from a moral standpoint (though What’s so unfair about Micro- maybe not financially since they The Hammer Says: soft including another Microsoft would likely lose money on it). Forsythe- (If that is actually your real name) As a Jew working in a prestigious law firm, you should not be program with their operating sys- Governments that restrict freedom lecturing me about stereotypes. In fact, I am actually breaking down stereotypes by being a Jew who is not tem that they created? This kind should have to face consequences trying his best to rule the world with an iron fist. As for cancelling your subscription to this newspaper, I would of logic just never has and never for what they do and this would like to let you know that The Patriot does not offer subscriptions, but I will be, nonetheless, refunding your will make any moral sense to me. be a perfect way for Microsoft to money to avoid a possible lawsuit. So what if most computers around make its point. South Korean citi- the world run Microsoft Windows? zens would have a very difficult Dear Hebrew Hammer That doesn’t change anything. As time getting their hands on a copy far as I’m concerned, they own of Windows in the future if Micro- Hammer! When was the last time you went to synagogue? Your mother is always asking when you will come the product and should be able to soft took such action. Maybe then to services so she can show you off to all of her friends, and wants to find you a nice Jewish girl to marry, do anything they want with it. If they’d think twice about messing unlike that shiksa you were going out with a few months ago. You’re not still going out with her, are you? they wanted to make it impossible with the company’s rights. Because you promised me that you were done with shiksas, and it would just break your mother’s heart to find for consumers to use any other I can’t help but compare this out that you were lying to her. program for messaging that would sort of situation to Ayn Rand’s Rabbi Leonard “Lenny” Kravitz even be fair, in my opinion. The book, Atlas Shrugged (Actually, I Managing Rabbi, Temple Beth-El key idea here is that it’s their oper- can compare tons of things going The Hammer Says: ating system. No one can tell them on in this world to the book). In the what they can do with it. book, the creative, intelligent, pro- Rabbi, I have said before and I will say it again: I am too busy defending the Jews of the world to attend your Here’s a good analogy I ductive people of America essen- services on every single Saturday. Besides, all of the attractive girls in the synagogue are already married to thought up a while ago. Software, tially protested the government’s doctors, lawyers and businessmen. If those women looked beyond the fact that I am not paid well, I wouldn’t like Windows or any application socialistic abuses on them. One by have to date goyim. But unless I have six zeros affixed to my salary, I am a failure in the eyes of a Jewish really, is copyrighted material that one they disappeared, and the coun- woman. is arguably a work of art. It was cre- try fell apart in a matter of months. Note to readers: The Hebrew Hammer is looking for an administrative assistant to help him with paperwork. ated by someone. It was their idea These productive people create ev- Must be between the ages of 18-24, female, attractive, preferably blue eyes and blonde hair. Must be willing to to make it. Now what would people erything we take for granted in this travel extensively to such dangerous places such as Hawaii, Aruba, and the French Riviera. No job skills needed. think if a government put out strict, world and leeching off of them is mandatory guidelines on how a not only wrong, but dangerous.
The Patriot - February 2006 Sirius-ly Not That Cool What Grinds ball broadcasts, and traffic and weather invented everything from shocking radio My Gears for every city in the nation. However, to the phillips head screwdriver. Opie the most important reasons for XM’s and Anthony have come on very strong Jason Frank superiority lie within their equipment, since their return to radio after they were and featured radio talk show Opie and exiled because of the now famous St. Anthony. Patrick’s cathedral stunt. This stunt was There is a new trend in today’s ra- While Sirius offers oversized radio conducted back in 2002 while Opie and Peter Griffin dio-listening society. An alternative to units, and the dated and past-his-prime Anthony were featured on 102.7 WNEW the traditional terrestrial-based radio Howard Stern; XM offers the highest in New York City, and the show was syn- options, known as AM and FM is now technology, and the genius of radio per- dicated in many other cities including being offered and its popularity is grow- sonalities Opie and Anthony. In fact, Boston, Philadelphia, Washington DC, ing rapidly. This innovative choice is be- Sirius does not even offer a device for and Cleveland. 1. When you’ve accidentally broken something ing offered by satellite radio. Currently, listening on the go. They claim to, how- While exact ratings are not avail- in someone’s house and the host doesn’t try to comfort there are two satellite radio companies able, XM has more than twice the sub- you afterwards. You know, by saying something simple competing closely for a share of this scribers than Sirius. This means Opie like, “Oh… it was broken already,” or “It does that all booming market: Sirius and XM. and Anthony now have a larger audi- the time.” First, what are the advantages of ence than Howard Stern. This is likely 2. When one of those annoying little brats rolls by on satellite radio? Well, for one, it offers assisted by the genius impressions con- their Healies shoes and you have the sudden urge to knock uncensored music the way it was meant ducted by Anthony, and the brutal, yet them violently to the pavement but know at the same time to be heard. As its name suggests, satel- refreshing comedy of Mr. Jim Norton; that society does not permit you to do so. lite radio is broadcast by way of satellite, whose birthday is actually occurring 3. When you’re sitting on one of those leather sofas so the sound is unmistakably clearer. No as I write this. None of this would be and you’re thigh rubs against it, emitting a loud, ripping more bleeps or awkward silences during possible without the radio formula put noise, and you know you have to rub your leg against it a good song, and the DJs do not have to ever, with tricky wording. The fact is, forward and enforced by the boyish, yet again in an attempt to make the same noise to prove to the worry about using the dump button when this device allows you to record Sirius handsome, Opie. Together, they work as public that it wasn’t a fart, but it sounds nothing like the a caller is on the phone. broadcasts, and listen to them at a later a team, to put on the best radio show they initial noise at all. Another great aspect of satellite ra- time. XM offers a device called the XM can on a consistent basis. 4. Wondering if the guy who just prepared your meal dio is the wide selection that is offered. MyFi, which does indeed allow you To put the icing on the cake, XM is the one who scribbled “Shove it!” on the sign that reads Both Sirius and XM each offer hundreds to listen to XM on the go. XM is also ingeniously gave themselves a name “Employees must was hands after using rest room.” of music channels, catering to essential- on the verge of debuting a new device, which can easily become a household 5. Those asinine new Dunkin’ Donuts commercials. ly everyone’s taste. Regardless of your similar to the MyFi, but it will be even name. With everyone familiar with the Haven’t heard one yet? I’ll give you an example of my mood, there will be a channel to suit your smaller in size and also include the abil- traditional radio bands of AM and FM, own: “Hi my name is Peter and I was on my way to the pleasure. There are also channels for ity to download and play MP3s, much XM seems like a logical third option. clinic to get my girlfriend the morning after pill, but I news, traffic, weather, sports, and com- like an Ipod. Sirius is named after a star, and has a dog needed my morning cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. The edy. The variety of satellite radio greatly Those who are not familiar with for the company symbol which has far closest one was thirty miles out of my way so by the time exceeds the selection, or lack thereof, Howard Stern and/or Opie and Anthony less radio relevance. This makes XM I got to the clinic it was closed. And while I’d like to be that is available with terrestrial radio. must know the differences to make a wise the obvious option for those looking able to proudly introduce you to my family, my girlfriend So, which company is the one to decision. Howard Stern was no doubt a into getting satellite radio. As far as cost died during childbirth and Jr. was born retarded and is cur- choose? Well, in my view, the choice is pioneer in radio many years ago, but in is concerned, XM is $12.95 per month, rently institutionalized in a home, but damn that was one obvious. XM satellite radio offers more recent years he has turned into a whin- while Sirius is $9.95 per month. The 3 fine cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.” channel options, live major league base- ing, sniffling baby who claims he has dollar difference is more than justified. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what really grinds my gears.
The Libertarian Alternative We in the United States are worse than being the party seen as ey and simply gives it to others, as Having the distinction of be- living in a time during which the corrupt, unpopular, and generally with welfare? Do you think that the ing the country’s largest third party, true meaning of freedom has been prudish is to be the party that was government should deny you the the Libertarian Party, simply stated, Brett Denyer all but forgotten. It is a time of war, beaten by the corrupt, unpopular, right to manage your own money combines all the positive aspects of of great political division, and of and prudish party, a la, the Demo- and then fund someone else’s re- both the Democrats and the Repub- spying on American citizens by a crats. tirement with it, leaving you up the licans with none of the negatives. government that has far exceeded The Democrats believe that creek just like social security will? To sum, these are: limited gov- all the hot air from the recent Alito its legitimate bounds. Moreover, freedom entails the confiscation Do you think that the government ernment, free markets, and peace. confirmation hearings will highlight according to a recent MSNBC poll, and redistribution of private prop- should deny any of its citizens the Libertarians call for the immediate this enough to make one sick. But over seventy percent of Americans erty (though so does the GOP, albeit legal privileges of marriage just repeal of the income tax, a major what we really need is not leaders feel that both major parties are to a lesser degree); the complete government bureaucracy overhaul who will protect individual rights equally corrupt. Perhaps the sad- inability for individual citizens to to reign in spending of your hard- when cornered by the confirmation dest part of the current situation manage their wealth, necessitating earned and unfairly-taken money, of a new judge and ignore them the is that both major political parties what will likely become the world’s and a removal of the government’s rest of the time; we need leaders routinely advocate policies that are largest fiscal disaster, i.e., social clumsy hand in the economy. Ac- who will unfailingly and unflinch- completely antithetical to the idea security (though this somewhat cording to the National Libertarian ingly declare the sovereignty of the of freedom, seemingly leaving us overlaps with the confiscation of Party website (http://www.lp.org/ individual regardless of the way in with nowhere to turn. It is time for private property); a large and in- article_85.shtml — check it out for which the political wind may blow. a change. efficient government bureaucracy lots of cool info), “Libertarians be- The Libertarian vision of The Republicans, who cur- that sucks down money like a 1985 lieve that you have the right to live America is a return to the original rently have a majority in both hous- Chevy Suburban guzzles gas; and your life as you wish, without the principals upon which this nation es of Congress, claim that freedom foreign policy that kowtows to the government interfering — as long was founded, of the America that is a state of existence where the rest of the world through the most as you don’t violate the rights of the framers of the Constitution set government may spy on its own anti-American organization in the because they have a different life- others. Politically, this means Lib- out to create, where everyone is free citizens at its leisure, where citizens history of the world, the U.N. style? Do you think that the gov- ertarians favor rolling back the size to live, love, dream, buy, spend, and should not have the ability to marry I encourage all readers to ask: ernment has the right to spend our and cost of government, and elimi- think in their own way, without the whom they choose, where women is this really how you want to live, money, and more importantly, our nating laws that stifle the econo- government telling you what you should not have the option to be the to live in tyranny that a nearly om- soldiers’ lives in a war that we initi- my and control people’s personal may or may not do. If you feel dis- ultimate authority over their own nipotent government passes off as ated on incomplete information? If choices.” enfranchised by both parties (and bodies, and where the United States freedom as it consolidates more and the answer to the above questions is Note that the Democrats and there are many of us who do) then may depose foreign leaders as it more power for itself? Do you like no, then there is a party comprised Republicans both cite their devo- you should consider the advantages pleases on bad intelligence. Fortu- the fact that the government effec- of people with just your predica- tion to individual liberties when of the Libertarian alternative, the nately for the GOP, the only thing tively steals your hard-earned mon- ment: the Libertarian Party. it is convenient; a quick review of road to the truest kind of freedom.
The Patriot - February 2006 How To Get Rid of a Roommate Your Worst Nightmare...
Okay, here’s the situation: You have a shitty room- must be called. Scores must be settled. This stalemate must mate. This person must be corrected. And if this person come to an end. One of you isn’t having this anymore. cannot be corrected? They must be destroyed! But maybe it isn’t so bad. Maybe you just have an- Male or female, chances are you will get a shitty other person who would make a better fit and this stubborn roommate. It will happen. You will draw the short straw obstacle is just getting in the way. and you will get stuck with some worthless loser who There’s no malice; this is all business. WRONG. That continually smells bad, possibly ruins your life, and just kind of mentality will only serve to ruin your chances in generally makes everything miserable. Or maybe you are winning this battle of will. The opposition must be eradi- that asshole and you smell bad, and make everything mis- cated, mercilessly. erable. You must ruin this person’s life as they continue to It doesn’t matter; bottom line is your counterpart ruin yours. REVENGE MUST BE HAD… and here’s must go. It’s spring semester and there hasn’t been any your little checklist of what to do when such an occasion let up with this continual downpour of dysfunction. Bluffs arises.
John Law Sleep Deprivation Poo Psychological Warfare Everyone hates lawyers. If you’re This is Waco, Texas and that ass- Feces is rarely enjoyed by anyone. You’re smart. Use your head. This in the dorms you can use residential hole is Davis Koresh. You are the FBI This is the 2,000 pound bomb in your fool isn’t paying attention. Enlighten life as your unwitting pawn. If you’re and this asshole is going to be listen- arsenal, old and reliable. Everyone has them. If they are paying attention? Then off-campus it’s the landlord. Dress up ing to Billy Joel at 3am. Oh, wait, this it just lying around and the results are mess with them. First rule: whatever like a square, put on a happy face and is Long Island; people actually enjoy always the same. Don’t be squeamish. they do, you do to them times ten. If get to them first. It makes you look like that retard around here. Whatever, pick If you don’t use it, they will. Remem- they stink? You stink. If they’re messy? the goody-goody in their eyes and they something obnoxious. ber: this is war! You’re messy. Show them the error of hear your side first. This will cement in their ways. MAKE THEM PAY. If they their stagnant minds whatever “truths” The Stink Bully Nair are unreceptive you’ll have to engage or “facts” you need to foist on them. Don’t have a life? Don’t bathe. Nair isn’t going to make hair fall them. Grab their attention. Everyone They won’t enjoy seeing you There’s no reason you should be do- out. You can empty out your room- comes back to their room when they and they don’t want to put too much ing anyone any favors in this situation. mate’s shampoo bottle and replace it need to relax. STRIKE WHEN THEY thought into you and whatever paper- If you can’t go full on and just cease with nair, but it won’t have any kind LEAST EXPECT. work you might be causing them. This all bathing at least stop changing your of dramatic effect. It will eat away at is their 9-5 and basically you’re screw- socks. If you don’t wear socks start hair and weaken it. And it will smell Drugs ing up their coffee break. You may hap- wearing one pair and only one pair. In a terrible. But only truly weak hair that’s Does your roommate keep drugs pen upon some suit-and-tie nerd who week they’ll be unbearable. Proceed to been bleached and permed into some around? Steal them. Nothing pisses actually enjoys these things. As long as soak them in water and wipe them on kind of god awful 80’s nightmare anyone off more than stolen drugs. It two plus two equals four, they aren’t a mattresses, the insides of dressers, etc. would fall out because of a little nair. doesn’t even matter if you use them or concern. Stay on their nerdy good side. Oh, what’s that? Your roommate is not because the worst part about losing Remember, you aren’t ratting anyone Invading Privacy some kind of metrosexual frat boy and drugs is that you can’t cry about it to out yet. In the end this’ll be settled as only he bleaches his tips? Meh, it still anyone. You look like a total pussy if it was meant to be. You’re just laying Rifle through this asshole’s shit isn’t going to do anything. Just gouge you whine about misplaced drugs and the ground-work and cutting off their when they aren’t around. Take pictures his head with a buzzer. If you really if this asshole is stupid enough to leave options. No interlopers. “Nothing hap- of what it looked like before you do. want to make hair FALL OUT, you’d drugs unattended in a room with a per- pening here, Officer. We’re all fine This way you can put things back ex- need some truly caustic chemicals like son they aren’t even going to share upstanding citizens. Yes, Sir. No, Sir. actly as you found them. All kinds of lye or something. Sure you might go to them with well then they freaking de- Blah blah blah...” secrets lie just beneath the surface. jail, but whatever. serve it.
Still No USG Chief Justice
Continued from page The Executive Council, headed by President Acosta vetoed the President Acosta, complied with Judiciary bylaws on grounds of Your Ad Here At the beginning of this the petitioner’s request and took personal preference, not on mat- year, there was a strong legal the matter to the senate, where the ters of constitutionality. Accord- matter pressing before USG. Executive Council’s decision to ing to the Constitution it takes 2/3 And it meant that I had to make raise the Student Activity Fee was of the senate override the presi- amends with the rest of the court. upheld. The actions taken by the dent’s veto. At the last meeting The petitioner in the case, Robert Executive Council satisfied the of the Senate, the legislative body J. Romano, filed a brief against petitioner, and he withdrew the had done its job. Contact Chris Dolley for the Executive Council claiming matter from the court. However, The position of Chief Justice that the Student Activity Fee was even though the case was never is still open. Justice Katz never more information. raised unconstitutionally. It was held, the court had reasserted its took the president up on her offer this brief that had actually saved authority. Constitutionally. of what’s probably the most im- the court. Working for the first After the case, myself and portant office in USG; member- time together, we considered the other members of the court met ship to the judicial branch requires petitioner’s brief. The decision in an informal meeting and re- direct approval of the administra- Rates starting at was unanimous---the ten (10) considered the Judiciary bylaws tion. The nominating committee dollar increase per semester of the that I had written last year. This approves all candidates for the Student Activity Fee (the amount time, the decision was in my fa- courts, including that of the chief disputed) was to be frozen by a vor. The court was going to adopt justice. One member of the nomi- $40 temporary injunction until this the document I had written with nating committee comes directly matter was either resolved by the the more recent modifications: from the Dean of Students’ Of- supreme court hearing the case or the new Judiciary bylaws undid fice, and the other representative by the senate voting on whether the precedent of Katz v. Borod- comes from the Provost Office. the referendum should be over- kin. The Judiciary bylaws of 2005 The president has yet to choose a [email protected] turned. The matter in question was were unanimously adopted by the chief justice. Until then, the judi- never decided upon by the court. senate. cial branch is without leadership.
The Patriot - February 2006 Right Wing Girls are Hot! Like most “Righties” in Hollywood, little information is available on Sarah Michelle Gellar, known for her role as Buffy in the WB series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, as well as her role as Daphne in the Scooby Doo movies. However, she was featured as the Republican Babe of the Week on the New Jersey GOP website and she’s married to Freddie Prinze Jr. who is also a sus- pected “Righty.” Here at Stony Brook, we’ve got smart, beautiful conservative-leaning girls. Among them is a huge fan of Buffy herself, Shawna.
Shawna, 21, Psychology Major
Tell us about yourself. “I am a full-time student at Stony Brook University, majoring in psychol- ogy, where I am the VP for the Stony Brook Roller Hockey team. I love online gaming and talking about politics (I am a loyal Republi- can). I am a huge movie buff, I like go- ing to the beach, and watching hockey. Go Islanders!! I am laid-back and I like meeting people who think like me.”
Sarah Michelle Gellar, 28, Actress
What do you think about the celebrities who constantly “Bush Bash”? “I’ve had it. Spike is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that’s fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend.”
What are your thoughts on the U.S. action on the Bird Flu? “I don’t know what that is, but I’m certain I don’t have it. I bathe quite often.”
Is it just me or are these all quotes from Buffy? “You think?”
Got a camera and a conservative girl? Send photos to [email protected]
The Patriot - February 2006 Upcoming Movies Superman Your guide to the big films of 2006 Returns By Erik Berte 5.5.06 6.30.06 Mission: Impossible III Not much is known about the plot of this third installment of the Mission: Impossible series at the time of publishing. The trailer showed footage of a man threatening Special Agent Ethan Hunt (played by Tom Cruise) with the murder of his girlfriend. This time the film is being directed by J.J. Abrams, the creator of TV series Alias, Lost, and Felicity. Laurence Fishburne, known for his role as Morpheus in The Matrix, stars in the film as well.
5.12.06 Poseidon In the remake of the 1972 classic, The Poseidon Adventure, a luxury cruise ship out on a New Year’s celebration gets hit by a gigantic tidal wave that flips it over and practically destroys it. The remaining survivors must find a way out by moving to the lowest parts (or at this point the “highest”) of the ship. Starring Richard Dreyfus, Kurt Russell, and Josh Lucas.
5.19.06 Da Vinci Code One of the most popular novels of our time comes to the big screen. Directed by Ron Howard and starring Tom Hanks. Expert in religious symbols, Dr. Robert Langdon (Hanks), is asked to help figure out what happened in the case of a murdered curator of a museum. A clue left beside the body leads to clues hidden in Leonardo Da Vinci’s works of art.
5.26.06 X-Men 3 When a “cure” is discovered that could change mutants to average, everyday humans, even sharper differences appear between the X- Men and the Brotherhood of Mutants, led by Magneto (played by Ian McKellen). Jean Grey, apparently, returns as the Phoenix, and it appears that she joins forces with Magneto’s Brotherhood. Patrick Stewart, who plays Professor Charles Xavier, said about the movie, “It’s very intense, it’s very emotional, it’s very personal about the individuals that we’ve already got to know in the first two movies. It has some astonishing set-piece sequences. It has a number of quite significant deaths. [From] what I’ve seen so far, I think, it’s likely to be extraordinary.”
10 The Patriot - February 2006 Syriana Review
America will not Anti-American let it grow. Film Justifies The movie makes the claim Terrorism, that America’s interest in Irani- Victimizes Iran an oil has created an atmosphere By Jason Frank in that country which is ripe for Currently in theaters, Syriana is tyranny. This is the film which George Clooney execu- not a surprising tively produced and starred in. Taking viewpoint com- place in the present, the movie focuses ing from Cloo- on the relationship between major ney, who plays American oil companies and the cor- devils advocate so much that he may and placing the blame squarely on the rupt leadership of Iran. Clooney plays actually be mistaken for Lucifer him- United States of America. a CIA operative working on the inside self. To top it all off, it was not even a of Iran. The movie also featured such Syriana also makes the ma- positive cinematic experience. Cloo- familiar faces as Matt Damon, Aman- jor players in the U.S. energy busi- ney was average in his role at best. In the first Superman movie since 1987, the beloved da Peet, and Jeffrey Wright. Damon ness look like heartless sub-humans. The passive aggressive, melodramatic hero (played by Brandon Routh) returns after a long was a higher up in an American en- Granted, many leaders in the energy style of Clooney in the film eventually absence, while he spent time on planet Krypton. While ergy company, and Peet was his wife. industry are less then honest and rath- wears thin. Damon was also sub par, an old nemesis attempts to make him forever powerless, Wright played the role of a prominent er greedy, but the portrait painted by but it was not totally his fault. His Superman tries to win back the heart of Lois Lane (Kate lawyer in the political scene of Wash- this movie was far over the top. I was character was hardly developed, unin- ington, D.C. surprised that the film did not have teresting, and relatively unimportant. Bosworth), who has since moved on with her life. Kevin This is where I would normally scenes of puppies and orphans being The plot was hard to decipher, Spacey also stars in this film as Lex Luthor. describe the plot in detail, had I actu- murdered in cold blood by the hands and resolutions were not clear. Sev- ally understood it. I’m certainly not of the savage businessmen. eral storylines intertwined to form one the only one who couldn’t figure out In my eyes, this movie was not conglomerated, complex, and utterly what was going on. After seeing the even liberal. As much as it may be confusing movie. I most certainly 7.7.06 movie, many people were left wonder- bothersome to have a politically mo- would not recommend this film. I ing what had just happened. There tivated film, it can still be well done. would also submit that anyone who were a series of storylines revolving However, this film was not politically praises this film is simply blinded Pirates of the Caribbean: around one main theme: America is biased; it was treasonous. This movie by their own personal agenda, which bad. This movie spent two hours try- was so blatantly anti-American it made agrees with the messages represented Dead Man’s Chest ing to preach that the only reason Iran me sick. It was two hours of justifying in the movie, and is not providing an is a struggling dictatorship is because terrorism, rationalizing dictatorship, objective assessment. In the greatly anticipated sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, infamous Captain Jack Sparrow (played by Johnny Depp) Underworld: Evolution returns. Sparrow learns that he owes a blood By Damon Vetere moments in Evolution. Since most of the characters have al- debt to Davey Jones, That stated, if you enjoyed Un- ready been introduced in the original the captain of the Flying Despite what you may have heard, derworld you will love Underworld: film, there is considerably less dia- Dutchman. Halting the Underworld: Evolution isn’t The Ma- Evolution. More action, more gore, less logue, which allows director/co-writer wedding of Will Turner trix with vampires. In fact, the only dialogue, and much improved special Len Wiseman to get right to the good (Orlando Bloom) and thing that the Underworld franchise stuff: violence. Evolution works Elizabeth Swan (Keira shares with The Matrix is leather. best when the monsters come out Knightley), Jack must That said, Underworld isn’t the to play. Something about seeing a find a way to repay his greatest action/horror series made vampire and a werewolf want to debt or else he faces in the last 5 years, let alone the best kill each other is just cool. What eternal damnation and ever made, made in the last 5 years. helps this is that the special effects servitude in the afterlife. What the Underworld franchise in Evolution are great. Impale- does provide is a healthy dose of ments and beheadings never looked action, monsters, and full moons. so good, and the werewolf transfor- Underworld: Evolution fea- mations still look great. Above all tures the return of super-hottie else, maybe the best thing that the Kate Beckinsale to the big screen Underworld franchise has going for 7.14.06 as Selene, a vampire Death Dealer itself right now is that it still takes who was betrayed by her clan in itself seriously, something that ac- the original film. The story picks tion/horror fans will appreciate. My Super up right after the original ends, Even if you don’t particu- with Selene and the werewolf/vam- larly like the story, there aren’t any Ex-Girlfriend pire hybrid Michael Corvin (Scott cheesy moments or appearances by Speedman) searching for the truth Triple-H or Jessica Biel. Wiseman behind the war between “Lycans” definitely has a vision for his war. If Average New York guy and “Vampyres”, that continues to this still hasn’t convinced you to go (played by Luke Wilson) rage on in the sequel. check out Evolution, just remem- breaks up with his girlfriend, While Evolution attempts to ber, Kate Beckinsale is in leather who he thinks is too needy, help any newcomers to the fran- the entire time. only to find out that she’s chise by revealing several flash- actually a superhero. G- backs of the previous film, I would Girl (Uma Thurman), as highly recommend that anyone in- RATING: 7.5/10 she calls herself, attempts to terested in seeing the film start by view- effects really help to elevate this film make his life a living hell. ing the original Underworld first. There beyond its predecessor. There are some is a lot to digest, and there are far too particularly fun action sequences, in- What to look forward to: many characters that have already been cluding the opening scene, that help to Feb.. 17: Night Watch (Nochnoy dozor) introduced to fully appreciate the key keep the film moving at a decent pace. Mar. 17: V For Vendetta
The Patriot - February 2006 11 Canada Becomes “Red State” Liberal- refugees. Some have considered traveling to the Caribbean com- American munist paradise of Cuba, or even to Castro-wannabe Hugo Chavez’s Refugees Once Venezuela, but their proximity to Again Seek Out the U.S. lends to fears that the Bush administration may target them New Home next for acquisition. Even former socialist safe-ha- Satire By Nathan Shapiro vens in Europe have been under- mined by conservative movements. The recent election in Canada Germany’s new Chancellor, Angela swept the 12-year Liberal regime Merkel, comes from a conservative out of power and has given the Con- party and has placed improving re- servative Party of Canada control lationships with President Bush on of the government, adding Canada her agenda. The European Union to the multitude of so-called “red constitution, which was being tout- states” already conquered by Presi- ed as a means to counter American dent Bush. power, has been stalled. While such The Prime Minister-desig- events seem insignificant, some nate Stephen Harper is expected to American who requested we only Despite fear of CPC-backed ment too,” notes Oliver Queen, liberals worry it may turn into the strengthen relations with the United identify him by his initials. “It was Gestapo troops, many Liberal Ca- “and look how that turned out!” opening salvo of a conservative States and push for domestic re- a lot like home, except not an evil nadians are determined to stay in The LADL insists that the fall coup d’état in Europe. forms as well. capitalist dictatorship.” Now AB the country, pointing to the fact that of Canada to the “red-state men- No matter how many nations While many view the election must board his private Hollywood Prime Minister Harper has only ace” represents the establishment the liberal-American refugees find results as liberation from a corrupt jet and find a country more tolerant managed to win a plurality 36.3% of a North American axis power, themselves moving to, conserva- Liberal government, the large Lib- of his socialist beliefs. of the vote, forcing him to lead a drawing parallels to the alliance of tives are apt to point out that they eral-American refugee population The mass migration of liberals, minority government. “It won’t be Germany and Italy in the 1930s and cannot escape reality with an air- that immigrated to Canada fol- both Americans and Canadian, has that bad, eh” said Liberal Canadian 40’s. plane ride. The conservative tenets lowing George Bush’s re-election evoked charges that these emigrants James Howlett, who now carries a Mr. Queen added: “Unless the of strong national defense, coun- is dismayed. Barely a year after are unpatriotic. The refugees vehe- set of hockey sticks with him for United Nations stands up to them, ter-terrorism, small government abandoning their own country, they mently deny such charges. “We self-defense “just in case.” Bush and Harper won’t stop until and free-market economics appear again find themselves without a love Canada,” said one infuriated The liberal-American Anti all of the Americas are theirs.” to eventually stand out as the right home. man standing in line for his pass- Defamation League, or LADL, Those nations in which con- path for any country, whether it’s “We had thought we found the port, “just not enough to stay when takes a different stance on the mat- servatives may next gain power Canada or the very heart of social- perfect nation,” said AB, a liberal we don’t get our way.” ter. “Hitler had a minority govern- weighs heavily on the minds of the ist Europe.
Picture Blog: America at War with Venezuela Interesting Pictures we King Bush II Came Across Continues Empire This Month Expansion
Satire By Erik Berte
Bored with the troubles in Iraq, King Bush II decided it was time to yet again expand the Amer- ican Empire. His latest target: Venezuela. Responding to “Presi- dent” Hugo Chavez’s accusation of Wait a second! Is that Shirley Washington’s “imperialism,” His Strum Kenney? Majesty felt it necessary to clarify that the U.S. is a monarchy, not a Chavez makes a toast to King Bush II attempting to appease his supreme dictatorship. Bush ex- imperial ambitions. plained, “Chavez needs to realize that there’s a clear distinction be- dictator,” his majesty said. “We the King plans several more attacks tween the two types of government. shall force the country to live un- to expand our imperialist nation. Venezuela, growing ‘progressively der the same tyrannical monarchy Canadian Prime Minister Paul more autocratic and antidemo- which rules our American Empire, Martin met with Disgraced Former cratic,’ is sharply different than the and which our satellite Empire Iraq U.S. Prince Bill Clinton to talk Bush Dynasty.” now faces. Following the same about climate change last Decem- Chavez has repeatedly ac- strategy used in Iraq, we will estab- ber. King Bush II had opposed cused the United States of plan- lish a democratic, free government the Kyoto Protocol for fear that it ning to overthrow his dictatorship and give all citizens a say in their might harm our evil corporations. and has recently threatened hold- country’s liberated future. In this As punishment for further discuss- ing back oil from the US Empire. way, we shall take all of their oil ing such things, his majesty plans King Bush II, worried that such ac- and continue our terror campaign to nuke several key locations across tion would impede his aspirations across the globe.” our northern border. of world domination and terror, Asked if it was really neces- Mexican President Vincente quickly responded by declaring war sary to go this far with Venezuela, Fox could not be reached for com- on the country. “We will continue His Majesty replied, “That guy re- ment. His spokesperson explained to expand the American Empire by ally pissed me off, so yeah.” And as that Fox was afraid of “pissing off” ridding this country of its elected if that weren’t enough excitement, King Bush II.
12 The Patriot - February 2006 Sean Most Winning Team at Martin’s SBU Not a Varsity Sport! Sports
By Nathan Hould and Minute Drue Santora
In the last few years the Stony Brook Ice Hockey team has emerged as a top contender Sean Martin for the Division II American Collegiate Hockey Association (ACHA) National Title. For six consecutive years now the team *The New York Jets continue to resem- has been invited to the ACHA ble a circus. Coach Herman Edwards bolted Division II national tournament, to Kansas City but the Jets received only a and in the last three years they 4th round draft pick in exchange, which is by have ranked 2nd, 3rd and 7th in far the least compensation ever received by the nation out of the more than an NFL team for a current head coach. (It 150 Div. II ACHA teams. The should be noted that when the Chiefs hired team also won the Super East Edwards’ predecessor, Dick Vermeil, the Title in the 2003-04 and 2004-05 St. Louis Rams received 2nd and 3rd round seasons by defeating top ACHA picks.) Hiring the 35 year old Defensive Co- opponents from the Northeast- ordinator of the New England Patriots, Eric ern United States including Penn © 2006 Mark D. Murphy Mangini, to replace Edwards should have al- State, NYU, and Holy Cross. lowed the Jets to save face and start fresh, but Stony Brook senior Dan Valente drives to the net and scores his third goal of the game for a This year, the Stony Brook we then learned that Mangini would not be hat trick in Stony Brook’s 8-0 victory over Siena College on October 15, 2005. Ice Hockey team is ranked #1 allowed to hire his own staff. In fact, several in the Northeast and will travel who they later avenged in a 4-3 turns last year’s All-Americans aspects of the team, and are key coaches would be held on staff against their to Rochester, NY for the ACHA victory. Anthony DiMichele and Drue leaders both on and off the ice. wills. This was followed by a backlash in the Div. II national tournament with The team’s optimism is Santora. Seniors Mike Mitchell, You can watch Stony Brook media, causing the team to back down and re- high hopes of carrying the mo- strengthened by team captain Dan Valente and Michael Grag- Ice Hockey team in action at the lease the coaches. When you combine these mentum from their 16 game win- Steve Plackis and assistants Pe- nano have displayed outstanding Rinx in Hauppauge. For direc- continued front office antics with major sal- ning streak straight through to ter Marek and Angelo Serse who play as they pursue what may tions and other team informa- ary cap trouble and the questions surround- the national title. Currently, the are looking to channel the team’s be their last chance at a national tion, including schedule and ros- ing quarterback Chad Pennington, Jets fans team boasts a phenomenal re- abundance of talent in hopes title. Players/board-members ter, check out the team website: shouldn’t expect to put away their ‘same old cord of 20W-1L, with their only of forming a group of national Nathan Hould and Matt Muller http://www.ic.sunysb.edu/clubs/ Jets’ signs anytime soon. loss coming to Wagner College, champions. This year’s team re- handle the behind-the-scenes hockey/ *The New York Mets continued their make-over this month dealing away starting pitcher Kris Benson for another power arm in the bullpen (Jorge Julio.) While wife Anna Seawolves Basketball On Rise Benson’s antics and revealing outfits will be missed, Kris’ lack of gamesmanship certainly By Frank Loglisci will not.
With head coach Steve Piki- *In case you hadn’t heard, the NHL still ell at the helm, Stony Brook Sea- in fact exists. In the so called, “New NHL”, wolves Basketball as we know it stricter rule enforcement insures higher scor- has changed. In spite of a 3-15 ing, shootouts insure that there are no longer (1-7) record this year, the Stony any ties and young stars like Sidney Crosby Brook Seawolves have shown insure that you’re left on the edge of your great promise for this year and seat. I’m not sure they remembered to send for the future. It appears that out the memo, however, as celebrity poker Coach Pikiell is going to rebuild matches continue to draw several more mil- the basketball program from the lions of viewers weekly. bottom up. Coach Pikiell has engineered *Prior to the start of the 2006 season, Ma- one of the top 50 basketball re- © 2006 Mark D. Murphy jor League Baseball will hold an International cruiting classes for 2006. Stony tournament. The World Baseball Classic will Brook is a large university and is Coach Steve Pikiell at recent give professional players the chance to rep- located near a hotbed of basket- Seawolves game. resent their countries in a true World Series. ball talent. With the right recruit- Mid-March is an awkward time to hold such er it could build itself into a top schedule in the program’s histo- © 2006 Mark D. Murphy a tournament, though, and one wonders how Division I basketball program. ry; going up against top Division competitive it will be with several superstars Coach Pikiell has this year’s I programs such as Villanova and and put the team on the map in the NCAA Tournament, and may- already pulling out. Barry Bonds is one such players playing the game hard University of Connecticut. While the college basketball world. be one day as Luther Vandross star who removed himself from Team USA’s and paying attention to quality. the team hasn’t produced the re- Sooner rather then later we may puts it best at the end of every roster claiming that he didn’t want to risk his So far this year Stony Brook has sults some seek, the team mem- be turning on CBS to watch our basketball year, we’ll have our season. We hear that Barry has the time to do worked through the most difficult bers have played determinedly own Seawolves in the big dance, “One Shining Moment.” a reality TV Series, however….hooray.
The Patriot - February 2006 13 Sex at The ‘Brook
By Virginia Morgan an acceptable social norm it is not all you’ll find is: “A deep, tender, With Valentines Day just an acceptable way to determine ineffable feeling of affection and around the corner, there’s one four whether or not you are in fact in solicitude toward a person, such letter word that will be on every- love with someone. Just because as that arising from kinship, rec- one’s mind: love. Love has always you choose not to say, “I Love ognition of attractive qualities, or a been and will always be perhaps You” does not mean the love be- sense of underlying oneness.” the most confusing part of the en- tween you and your significant oth- So what’s a person to do? I tire “dating game.” er isn’t there. In the same regards, have found the best “definition” We, as individuals, never have it also does not mean it is there. of love comes from the Bible. It’s a problem with casual dating and for For example look at hate, the op- found in St. Paul’s first letter to the good reason: it’s easy, fun, and low posite emotion of love. When you Corinthians and it states, “Love is commitment. We have no problem hate someone you know it. You just patient, love is kind. It is not jeal- asking someone out to dinner or to get this feeling in your gut and no ous, [love] is not pompous, it is the movies because if they say no, matter how hard you try to shake it, not inflated, it is not rude, it does it’s easy to accept it and move on. you can’t. You don’t even have to not seek it’s own interests, it is not Nothing ventured, nothing gained. say, “You know, I really hate Bob- quick tempered, it does not brood However, once we have passed the by Sue!” because it will be obvious over injury, it does not rejoice over casual dating stage and moved into to everyone that you do hate her by wrongdoing but rejoices with the a relationship, a problem surround- way you carry yourself around her truth. It bears all things, believes all ing the “l-word” tends to arise. or the way you act at the mention of things, hopes all things and endures Obviously, we have strong her name. Now think of the times all things.” (1Cor 13:4-8) feelings for the person we are with, when you have said, “Gosh I really I use that as a guide and go otherwise we wouldn’t have let it hate
Depressing WTF?! Picture of the Month
Poetry Corner Once a month, we shall publish an odd picture that can only make you go, as you would on AOL Instant Messenger, “WTF?” For those times when you This month we came across a picture that many of you may have seen on www.stonybrooksucks.com. Apparently some guy stole a think your life sucks. cell phone at the Full Moon Cafe and then actually took photos of himself with it, which were automatically uploaded onto a website that the owner could access. There can be only one answer... And you have it! Please send in your explanations, and we’ll publish them alongside the picture as a caption. Tell us what you can discern from this picture, and the events which might have brought it about. I Miss You Love Send in your submissions to [email protected] By Alexsandra Borodkin with the subject line, “WTF?!” Can you identify this guy? This month’s photo was taken from www.stonybrooksucks.com Funny how the only thing I remember when I close my eyes at night is how you looked at me Submitted Captions: Last Month’s Picture: before everything was alright.
Neither one of us knew it would get this far “Once a fly always a fly.” to much love and sorrow to tell God knows I’m waiting for heartbreak “Making his contribution to the world of high for not everything is well. art.” But there is one thing certain and I swear this to Him above “So that’s where he’s been since indepen- that the only thing I know tonight dence day.” is that I miss you love.
14 The Patriot - February 2006 GOT STONY BROOK HOCKEY?
© 2006 Mark D. Murphy
© 2006 Mark D. Murphy
ONLINE: www.mmurphyphoto.com
The Patriot - February 2006 15 Ted Kennedy’s Drink of the Month Satire By Virginia Morgan Angel’s Kiss
*Not intended for the weak of stomach, faint of heart or for those who are under 21 years of age.
Ingredients: 1½ oz. lime or lemon juice ½ oz. orange juice ½ oz. Cointreau Soda water
Directions: Pour lime (or lemon juice), orange juice and Cointreau into a tumbler full of ice. Fill with soda water. Yield: 1 serving
When not ambling through the halls of Congress or filibustering judicial nomi- nees on the floor of the Senate, there’s nothing Senator Kennedy likes more than kicking back on the shores of Chappaquiddick with a nice, cold drink in his hand. Each month this column will highlight one of Senator Kennedy’s favorite drinks. This month’s drink: Angel’s Kiss.
Official Drunk of the Month Get Wasted Like Ted at These Fine Locations David W. Jones III Stony Brook Area Port Jefferson Area Lake Grove Area Best Drinking Story: Three Village Inn Tara Inn Printers Devil John Harvard’s Brewhouse I was on vacation in South Beach Florida with my 150 Main Street 1519 Main Street 105 Wynn Lane Smithaven Plaza girlfriend at the time. Deciding to go out at around 8 Stony Brook Port Jefferson Port Jefferson Lake Grove o’clock, I polished off a fifth of vodka and preceded to 751-0555 473-9602 473-1130 979-2739 then go out to the club. Happy Hour: 5-7 Happy Hour: 5-7 Happy Hour: 4-7 Happy Hour: 4-7
In order to get a VIP table I purchased two bottles of J&R’s Steakhouse Village Way Billies 1890 Saloon Absolut Mandarin and proceeded to drink one of those 1320 Stony Brook Road 406 Main Street 304 Main Street Stony Brook bottles myself and let the rest of my group split the other Port Jefferson Port Jefferson 689-5920 among themselves. This is where the story gets a little 928-3395 331-1890 Happy Hour: 4-7 foggy. Happy Hour: 5-7 Happy Hour: 5-7
We left and went to another club, named Pearl, and I started to drink bottles of Amstel Drinking Philosophy: light and shots of Jack Daniel’s. Then I decided to go to a strip Stick with the beer and whiskey. joint named Club Madonna. My girlfriend wouldn’t leave me alone Drunkest Ever: in there. After a short while, I fell St. Patrick’s Day 2005. I beat up my best friend for no good reason while wearing a kilt with no asleep next to the stage. Apparently, underwear and then spray painted his car and cursed out every one I knew and then passed out. when my girlfriend left to go get help lifting me up I got up on my own and Favorite Drink: passed out outside in the street. Guiness with champagne. Its called a Black Velvet. Also a shot of Jameson. While I was sleeping a stripper woke me up and offered me a ride to the hotel. She drove me back, but I lost Favorite Bar/ Bartender: my key so she talked the doorman into letting us in. It was Buckleys in Center Moriches but sadly it burned down last summer. I I passed out again and the doorman put was there literally every night. a card in my front pocket that read, “If found please return this guest to room 306 My favorite bartender is Jay Mazzio at the Clevelander.” who is currently working at Baysides To this day that ex-girlfriend of mine still thinks that I walked to the hotel all by in Center Moriches. So I guess that is myself. currently my favorite bar nowadays.
16 The Patriot - February 2006